Order of Man - Lessons Learned in Divorce

00:00:00.000 Do not get complacent. Do not get lazy. Do not think that just because you've got a 20-year

00:00:05.860 marriage that you're bound and determined to make that a 50-year marriage. You're not.

00:00:10.920 In fact, I would suggest to you that if you've been married for a long period of time,

00:00:16.640 you become complacent. You've become satisfied with the status quo. Be vigilant. Be aware.

00:00:23.960 Address red flags often and frequently and early in respectful ways, and I think you can keep

00:00:28.940 yourself from being complacent and finding yourself in a position you don't want to be in.

00:00:34.100 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your

00:00:39.280 own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time. You are not easily

00:00:45.260 deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who you are. This is

00:00:52.580 who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself

00:00:57.960 a man. Welcome to the Order of Man podcast. Gentlemen, today I'm going to share with you

00:01:03.740 five lessons that I've learned regarding my own personal divorce. If you've been listening

00:01:08.520 for any amount of time, you know that I had a breakdown in my marriage, the marriage that

00:01:13.340 lasted 18 years, and I was with her for two decades, but some of that was self-inflicted

00:01:19.600 and some of that is beyond my control. But these are things that I don't want to talk with you

00:01:24.300 about today, quite frankly, because they're very personal. But also, I think if I have

00:01:29.160 information that can help and serve you, whether you're on the verge of divorce or a separation

00:01:34.620 or maybe even in a new relationship, and you want to make sure that you address these red

00:01:39.800 flags and concerns that come up often and frequently before it gets into a dire situation, then it's

00:01:47.740 my responsibility to share that with you. Now, before I get into the conversation today on

00:01:52.360 these five lessons that I've learned over the past several years, I do want to mention very briefly

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00:02:43.940 When you do, and you'll save some money and you'll also be letting them know that you heard about

00:02:48.600 them here on the ORDEROFMAN podcast. All right, guys, let's get into this conversation today.

00:02:54.440 You know, obviously, again, I don't want to talk about this. These are things that are not fun or

00:02:59.100 enjoyable for me to address. And I've had a lot of things that I do want to talk with you about on

00:03:03.160 the podcast. This is not one of them, but I want to share these things with you because if you're in a

00:03:09.420 long-term relationship, I want that thing to thrive. If you're in a new relationship,

00:03:13.580 I want you to win or to get out as quickly as you possibly can so that you can find a relationship

00:03:18.920 that you can build and develop over a long period of time. And I think these five lessons that I've

00:03:24.520 learned over the past several years will help you do that. All right, let's just jump right into it.

00:03:28.940 Number one, complacency kills. Guys, when I was in the Middle East, I was in Iraq in 2005 and 2006 in

00:03:37.320 Ramadi, there was a sign at one of our gates that said complacency kills, as in literal death. Meaning

00:03:44.600 that if you went out and you were not trained, you were not adequately prepared, your mind wasn't

00:03:50.360 right, then you are at the real risk of dying or having one of your other soldiers killed. Now,

00:03:57.360 obviously, in life, the odds of us dying because we're complacent are significantly less than if we

00:04:03.840 were in a combat zone. But it's also very important to know that if you just become passive and don't

00:04:10.400 think about or don't concern yourself or don't address the red flags and the issues that come up

00:04:16.300 in your relationship, you're bound to struggle. Some of you know that I struggled with my own personal

00:04:22.940 battle with alcohol abuse. And in those moments, I thought that I was doing okay. The income was coming

00:04:33.640 in. The money was doing well. I thought the relationship was good. You know, we had this

00:04:40.660 dream life that I had envisioned and that she had envisioned. And yet, at the same time,

00:04:46.400 I was overlooking all of the challenges and struggles and just minor little things that I

00:04:54.040 should have been aware of because I was complacent. And what I would suggest to you is that if things do

00:05:00.540 come up in your relationship, whether it's been decades or whether it's been a couple of weeks

00:05:05.860 that are red flags, that are concerns for you, I would suggest that you bring those up. Now,

00:05:11.520 we fail to bring those up because they're uncomfortable conversations. Nobody wants to

00:05:15.600 have a difficult conversation with their significant other. But I would suggest to you that if you have

00:05:20.160 these frequently and often, then maybe, just maybe, you won't have to have the bigger conversations

00:05:27.500 down the road. If she's not showing up, if she's not supporting you the way that you feel you need

00:05:34.760 to be supported, or maybe you aren't, and she's bringing those conversations up to you, don't look

00:05:39.440 at those things as a negative. Look at those things as a positive. Look at those things as opportunities

00:05:45.300 to grow and develop and to build and to nurture the relationship and to really pay attention to what's

00:05:51.620 actually going on versus the wall that we tend to pull over our eyes. And I did that in my relationship.

00:05:58.360 And in some ways, I do that in my current relationship. And it's very important for me to

00:06:03.980 not be okay with just letting things coast. When I have something that needs to be addressed,

00:06:10.820 I want to bring it up. When she has something to be addressed, I want to be supportive of the concerns

00:06:17.560 that she has so that we can deal with these things in a respectful way, in a productive way,

00:06:24.180 and we can build the relationship. But guys, do not get complacent. Do not get lazy. Do not think

00:06:31.540 that just because you've got a 20-year marriage that you're bound and determined to make that a 50-year

00:06:37.000 marriage. You're not. In fact, I would suggest to you that if you've been married for a long period of

00:06:43.100 time, you become complacent. You've become satisfied with the status quo. And that isn't

00:06:51.900 what you want. And it probably isn't what she wants. So be vigilant. Be aware. Address red flags

00:06:58.800 often and frequently and early in respectful ways. And I think you can keep yourself from being

00:07:04.580 complacent and finding yourself in a position you don't want to be in. Number two is when you go

00:07:10.320 through a divorce or a separation, and I hope this gives you some hope and optimism if you're in

00:07:16.480 this and confronting a breakdown of a marriage or a breakdown of a long-term relationship, is that you

00:07:23.520 are going to learn a lot about yourself. Quite frankly, when we're in relationships, not only on a

00:07:29.940 positive note do we have a partner who believes in us and we believe in them and we can help them and

00:07:36.120 support them and they can help and support us, but what I found is that all too often we use

00:07:43.080 their strengths to shore up our weaknesses without ever addressing our own weaknesses, our own

00:07:50.520 deficiencies. And when that is taken away from you, whether it's self-inflicted or circumstances beyond

00:07:57.140 your control, you're going to start to learn about who you are, what triggers you, what motivates you,

00:08:04.540 what inspires you, what infuriates you, what pisses you off, what is a red flag for you. And I would

00:08:11.800 suggest to you to pay attention to that because if you're in a marriage and it's breaking down, maybe

00:08:17.960 to go back to point number one, you were so complacent that you never paid attention to the

00:08:22.840 things that you should have paid attention to. And maybe you didn't honor who you were and what you

00:08:29.800 needed in a relationship. You know, I've been in relationships where I have poured so heavily into

00:08:36.000 the other person at the expense of myself. And I don't think that's a healthy relationship.

00:08:41.060 I think the most healthy relationships that we can have are one that you can pour fully into her

00:08:46.680 and she's willing to pour fully into you. But if you're not receiving that, then that's not a

00:08:54.120 relationship that's going to work long-term. And so you owe it to her to have a conversation about that,

00:08:58.480 but ultimately, and to point number two, is you're going to learn about the things that you like

00:09:05.780 and the things that you don't. And I've seen too many men who know what they want, know what they

00:09:12.880 like, know what they don't like, and yet they'll just sit there idly and they'll let themselves

00:09:17.760 settle for something less than what they know they can have in their lives. And by the way,

00:09:24.100 I don't advocate for divorce. I believe in the nuclear family. I never thought that I would go

00:09:28.880 through a divorce, but I have. And yet I still believe in the power of a nuclear family. I still

00:09:34.640 believe in the power of one man committing to one woman and raising their children in righteousness.

00:09:39.800 It didn't work out for me, but I still believe in that. And I want you to have that because I think

00:09:45.160 that's going to help you accomplish your goals. And I also think that's going to help her accomplish her

00:09:50.680 goals. And of course your children together, but you need to address these things frequently and

00:09:57.040 often, and you need to be aware of what it is that you will tolerate, what it is that you like,

00:10:03.260 what it is that you don't. And one other thing is I found some comfort, uh, in being with myself,

00:10:11.220 you know, for guys that have been married for five, 10, 15, 20 years,

00:10:16.660 when's the last time you were actually by yourself? And can you look yourself in the mirror? If that's

00:10:21.980 the case, if you can't, then maybe you're codependent to some degree. And I'm not saying

00:10:26.080 you need to break it off just because that's the case. But I am saying that if you can't live without

00:10:30.880 her, that would represent a problem. I've heard so many guys say that I can't live without her.

00:10:36.560 She's the, she's the everything that that's good in my life. And she's the center of my universe.

00:10:42.300 And like, I mean, I get the sentiment and I appreciate the sentiment, but damn, if you're

00:10:48.380 making her the center of your universe, you're probably neglecting your own wellbeing and what

00:10:54.080 it is that you want. So you're going to learn a lot about yourself in moments of desperation and

00:10:58.880 divorce and separation and breakups. And those aren't bad things. Those are actually good things,

00:11:03.900 but you need to look at it from a long-term perspective. Uh, all right, let's go to number

00:11:07.820 three. Number three is build new and let go of the old. With relationships, especially those have

00:11:18.460 lasted a very long time. It's very difficult to move on because your whole identity is wrapped up

00:11:25.920 in a 10 or 15 or 20 or 30 year marriage, uh, as a husband, as a father. And it's very difficult to

00:11:33.100 let go of that. But I would suggest to you that the sooner you let go of your old identity and you

00:11:38.120 realize that in, in the wake of it being difficult, you have a real opportunity to make something new

00:11:45.060 in your life, to make something wonderful, to re-envision and revamp and consider how you want

00:11:51.220 your life to look in spite of everything that's happened to you. And it took me some time to realize

00:11:57.340 this, but I'm in a, in a really good spot knowing that of all the things that I failed at and all

00:12:05.960 of the things that I think maybe she could have done better, uh, that this is an opportunity for

00:12:12.140 me to create a new life, something that I want, something that I'm looking forward to building a

00:12:19.080 new relationship with a woman I'm dating or, uh, building relationships with my children or thinking

00:12:24.540 about how I spend my time and where my hours of the day are spent. There are opportunities through

00:12:30.960 separation and divorce that would not be provided to you otherwise. And again, I want to be very

00:12:35.800 clear. I'm not advocating for, if it's challenging, go through a divorce, but I am saying, if you find

00:12:42.220 yourself in this situation, maybe instead of considering it doom and gloom and the world is dead and

00:12:49.420 everything's ended and your life is miserable moving forward is that this is a new opportunity

00:12:54.960 for you to grow and to expand and to get better and to re-envision how you're going to create a new

00:13:01.520 life better than the one that was before. Not every challenge in your life is supposed to be a miserable

00:13:10.700 experience, but if you're choosing to look at it that way, then it will be. But if instead you're

00:13:16.380 choosing to look at it with hope and optimism that you can create something not only good,

00:13:22.460 but something better than you had before, I think it'll help you move on a whole lot quicker. And

00:13:27.340 that's what I want for you. I don't want you to forget the lessons learned. I don't want you to

00:13:31.280 overlook the invaluable experiences that you've had or even your, your care or love for her. But I do

00:13:37.560 want you to move on in your life knowing that you can create something that you did not previously have.

00:13:42.080 It takes being deliberate. It takes being intentional about what it is that you want to create. All right,

00:13:49.020 let's go into point number four. This is really important. Do not be spiteful. I found that over

00:13:55.840 the past couple of years, my, my emotions ebb and flow. Sometimes I'm in a really good space and

00:14:03.180 sometimes I'm frustrated and concerned and contentious and angry and all of the other broad array of,

00:14:09.220 of emotions that we experience. But I've made a decision. In fact, I made this decision

00:14:14.860 years and years ago that I would not be spiteful, that I would not try to get at her, that I would

00:14:21.240 not try to abuse her in any sort of way or manipulate the arrangement that we have decided on

00:14:28.540 in order to get out ahead. I made that decision years ago. And I know that it's hard. I know that

00:14:36.380 it's challenging. And I know that because I felt those things. I felt frustrated, angry, and I felt

00:14:42.380 victimized and I felt let down and all of the things that I'm sure you've been experiencing when you go

00:14:47.940 through a relationship, uh, breakdown again, whether it's a new relationship or one that's lasted for a

00:14:54.240 very long time, you're going to have those feelings and those feelings aren't wrong. It's not

00:14:58.920 wrong to feel angry. It's not wrong to feel like you've been slighted. It's not wrong to feel sad

00:15:05.020 or sorrow or grief about anything that you've experienced. But I would suggest to you that

00:15:09.820 instead of wallowing in the grief and the sorrow and the anger, that instead you're not going to be

00:15:15.460 spiteful, that you're going to be hopeful and optimistic, that you're going to rise above the

00:15:20.400 challenge that you've been confronted with, that you're going to realize that this isn't the end of

00:15:24.380 the world. And this is just a period at the end of sentence in one chapter of your life. And you get

00:15:30.460 to decide what that new chapter looks like for you. But I've talked with way too many men who will do

00:15:37.340 some of the dumbest things imaginable because they're emotionally charged. And from a pragmatic

00:15:43.700 approach, not only is it dangerous to be emotionally charged because you're potentially alienating your own

00:15:52.120 rights financially to the custody arrangements that you have and all the other rights that go along

00:15:58.440 with the relationship that you once had. But it just creates a level of toxicity in your life that

00:16:05.040 isn't conducive for your own personal growth in any aspect of your life. I've had close personal

00:16:11.660 friends go through divorces and breakdowns in their relationships very frequently, not only that

00:16:16.900 frequently, but also often, and early, and recently. But guys, like, I see these guys, they're so angry,

00:16:25.920 they're so bitter, they're so contentious. And not only is it not helpful in healing, but it's also not

00:16:34.460 helpful from a pragmatic approach from their business to their health and their wealth and everything else

00:16:39.140 they're trying to create in the relationship with their kids. So we're not going to be spiteful. And you might

00:16:45.380 have a lot to be spiteful for. I mean, that's the challenge. I don't know your own personal

00:16:51.000 situation. I don't know what you're dealing with. But there might be some valid reasons for you to be

00:16:56.240 very upset. And yet we as men cannot act irrationally on the negative emotions that we're

00:17:03.400 experiencing, we have to rise above and be better and improve and be level headed so that we can not

00:17:09.000 only protect our own rights to our children and our financial assets, but that we can move on and

00:17:16.020 have other thriving relationships. And by the way, you will. If you're listening to this, you might have

00:17:21.400 clicked on this because you're going through a divorce or a separation right now. And you think,

00:17:24.800 man, I'll never find another woman. Trust me, you will. You will. There's plenty of women out there

00:17:29.920 who will love and support you and care about you and edify you and uplift you and be a partner to you.

00:17:35.980 There's an infinite number of women out there for you. So don't get too wrapped up on that right

00:17:41.300 now. We don't need to worry about that right now. But trust me that she isn't the only one. I hate

00:17:46.500 that. You know, this is the only one for me. This is my one and only true love that that doesn't exist.

00:17:54.500 You loved her for a reason. And those reasons are valid. But there's a million other women out there

00:18:00.100 that you can love and a million other women out there who will love you. So we don't need to get too

00:18:05.460 much into that right now. But don't get wrapped up and I'll never find another one. You absolutely

00:18:09.800 will. All right. And then the last thing I want to share with you is that you just need to focus

00:18:14.700 on the controllables. All right. You can't focus on what she's doing. You can't focus on how she's

00:18:20.140 behaving. Maybe she's being spiteful. Maybe she's being angry or frustrated or contentious or trying to

00:18:27.960 pit your children against you. She could be doing all of those things. I don't know. But that's not

00:18:32.480 an excuse for you to do it. If I was dropped into the same scenario that I am today down the road,

00:18:39.200 I can hold my head up high knowing that I would carry myself and hold myself the same way that I

00:18:45.340 have in this situation. So despite all my own shortcomings and flaws and failures, I can still

00:18:52.560 hold my head up high knowing that I carried myself like a man. I controlled myself. I focused on

00:19:01.640 what I could do. I didn't get wrapped up in how she was behaving good, bad, indifferent. I just

00:19:08.780 consumed myself with what am I doing? How am I showing up fully? How am I showing up for my kids?

00:19:16.980 Am I worrying about my business or am I so consumed and invested in her? And that's the problem. So many

00:19:23.160 guys that I've seen and talked with, they get so wrapped up in what she's doing and what her issues

00:19:28.600 are and who she might be dating now. That's none of your business because it's outside of your control.

00:19:34.500 What you should be focused on are the things entirely within your control, which is how do I

00:19:39.060 show up for my kids? How do I continue to grow my business or my career? You know, how do I show up

00:19:44.580 powerfully for not only my kids and my family, but for other people? How do I take care of myself?

00:19:50.120 Do I need to go back to the gym and work out? Do I need to pick up the Bible and start reading the

00:19:54.340 scriptures? Do I need to serve other people? Is there a mission or a movement that I'm interested

00:19:58.800 in that I need to dive headfirst into? All the stuff about her and what she's doing and how she's

00:20:05.100 behaving and what she is or isn't doing according to you is not going to work for you. It's just a

00:20:12.680 futile exercise. It's a waste of time and energy. Guys, I really want you to be able to overcome the

00:20:19.960 break it down to the relationships and the divorces and the separations that you might be

00:20:25.680 dealing with. But I'll tell you what, I had a friend, his name is Keith Yaki and he's been on

00:20:29.160 the podcast. You can look it up. He said that focusing on you is the only play that you have

00:20:35.180 right now. And if you're in the midst of a potential divorce or separation, you may be thinking,

00:20:40.440 I want to salvage this marriage. But the only play that you have right now is to focus on the

00:20:45.100 controllables and focus on you. Show it fully. You cannot manipulate her. You cannot

00:20:49.660 control her. You cannot trick her into coming back. And even if she does, she's going to see

00:20:55.300 right through that in a very short period of time. You have to do what's right for you and what's

00:21:01.000 right for the people in your life, like your children, and then let the chips fall where

00:21:05.080 they may. And they're always going to fall in the right place. I'm not saying that divorce is right

00:21:09.940 by any means, but I am saying that if you're facing or confronting that, that doing the right

00:21:15.940 thing is going to poise and position you to be in the best place possible when a new woman comes

00:21:21.960 into your life or a new opportunity comes into your life, or you're just feeling better about who

00:21:27.160 you are. I know firsthand how challenging divorce can be. I deal with those and I confront those

00:21:35.400 struggles and those issues every single day. Just like those of you who have gone through divorces

00:21:40.220 yourself. As a single father, I'm trying to raise my kids. I'm dating an amazing woman and I'm trying

00:21:45.760 to be the best partner that I can be for her. And I'm also trying to be the best I can be for myself.

00:21:51.660 And it can be a challenge and it can be a struggle. But the message that I want to leave you with is

00:21:56.180 that you can have hope and optimism if you incorporate the lessons that I shared with you today,

00:22:01.820 that your life will get better and the relationship you have with your kids will get better.

00:22:06.100 And that's all you can control. Doing what you can do. And if you want her back, do what you can do.

00:22:16.220 And if you don't want her back, do what you can do. It doesn't matter. And that's the beauty of it.

00:22:20.540 It's not contingent upon how somebody else is behaving or responding to you. I hope that helps.

00:22:26.900 I hope that serves you. If you guys have any additional ideas, we're called the Order of Man for a

00:22:31.020 reason. This is not called Order of Ryan. It's called Order of Man because we as men are all

00:22:36.580 working collectively together to serve each other. And the things that you're struggling with, other

00:22:41.920 people might have an advantage with. And the things that you have an advantage with, other people might

00:22:46.440 be struggling with. So if you have some thoughts and insights and ideas, share those. Email me.

00:22:52.840 Share those on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook,

00:22:55.700 at Ryan Mickler and let other people know what you're thinking and help enlist in this fight to

00:23:02.420 reclaim and restore masculinity. So again, as a recap, guys, number one, complacency kills. Number

00:23:07.080 two, you're going to learn a lot about yourself during the scenario and situation. Number three,

00:23:11.840 building new and letting go of the old. Number four, do not be spiteful. And number five, focus on the

00:23:18.320 controllables. All that helps. I hope that serves you. Let me know if there's other ideas that you have

00:23:23.160 because millions of men are dealing and confronting with this. And I would love to be able to help

00:23:27.560 them. That's all I've got for you today. Guys, we'll be back next week for our interview. Until

00:23:32.840 then, go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.

00:23:40.780 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

00:23:45.400 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

00:23:53.160 Thank you.

Order of Man - November 15, 2024

Lessons Learned in Divorce ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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