Order of Man - Live by a Code, or Die Without One

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.020 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.500 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.760 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:25.360 Gentlemen, what is going on today? Welcome to your Friday Field Notes.

00:00:28.300 This is a show where you get to listen to me about some of my ramblings and thoughts from throughout the week,

00:00:32.420 and I've got a good one lined up for you today.

00:00:35.000 If you are joining us for the first time, I want to welcome you to what I would consider the manliest podcast available.

00:00:41.300 Of course, I'm a bit biased when it comes to that idea, but frankly, guys, we're out there trying to improve men's lives in every facet of their life,

00:00:50.720 whether you're showing up as a father, a business owner, a community leader, a husband, again, every single facet of your life.

00:00:57.120 It's my goal to give you the conversations with some world-class men, athletes, scholars, New York Times, bestselling authors, warriors.

00:01:06.620 If they've got a story to share and they're doing incredible things in their lives, then it's my goal to interview them and share with you.

00:01:12.820 We've also got our Wednesday show, which is relatively new. We've had that for a couple of months now.

00:01:17.500 We've gotten some incredible feedback with my co-host, Kip Sorensen. That's called the Ask Me Anything, where we just answer whatever questions you have as it pertains to the topics that are important to us.

00:01:28.660 And then again, you have this show, your Friday field notes, which is me.

00:01:32.440 And again, what I said earlier, some of my thoughts and ideas and things that have been bouncing around in my brain from throughout the week.

00:01:38.860 And today I want to talk with you about living by a code and why this is so important over the past several weeks ago, since our legacy event, which if you're not familiar with, that is our live in person, three and a half day experience for fathers and sons.

00:01:56.620 We just did our first one a couple of weeks ago, and we've got another one planned for the spring of 2019.

00:02:02.400 If you are interested in that, by the way, you can head to order of man.com slash legacy, order of man.com slash legacy.

00:02:09.960 You can sign up to be notified when we, when we release the dates, you'll want to do that quick because that thing's going to sell out.

00:02:15.460 We only have 20 spots available for those experiences.

00:02:18.360 And as I was talking about the experience that we had with the fathers and sons that came out with some of the guys and just a recap of what

00:02:26.600 we did, uh, a lot of guys noticed that we had put together a code of conduct with our boys and have had a lot of questions about that since.

00:02:34.660 So I thought today, that's exactly what I'd talk with you about.

00:02:38.640 Uh, but one other thing I would ask you to do before we get into this is if you would leave a rating and review, all right, go in to iTunes or wherever you're doing the podcast thing, leave us your rating and review.

00:02:49.400 It only takes a couple of minutes and I can guarantee you that it goes such a long way in promoting the show in bumping the show up the charts.

00:02:58.620 And then ultimately what's in it for you is that I can secure some powerful guests, uh, to interview, to have conversations with and gain and extract some of their knowledge and wisdom.

00:03:10.480 Uh, next week we've got Evan Hafer.

00:03:12.500 If you don't know him, he is the founder of black rifle coffee company.

00:03:15.960 He came on and we had a conversation about, uh, marketing and purpose and passion and profits.

00:03:22.080 So make sure you subscribe.

00:03:23.640 So you don't miss that one.

00:03:25.000 Uh, Ed Milet is coming on here very quickly.

00:03:28.120 I mean, we've got so many incredible interviews, so make sure you subscribe, make sure you leave your rating and review.

00:03:32.980 Uh, that way we can continue to secure some incredible conversations with some incredible men.

00:03:37.840 All right, guys, that's enough of that.

00:03:39.440 Let's get into this conversation today, which is again, living by a code or dying without one.

00:03:45.540 That's what I titled this podcast.

00:03:47.060 I mean, frankly, there is just, there's a lot of crazy stuff going on in the world with, uh, sexual misconduct allegations, whether they're credible or not.

00:03:55.700 That's just one example of what's going on.

00:03:59.040 Of course, we always get the question or the thought of is masculinity really under attack?

00:04:03.860 And some people believe that masculinity is others don't, but I certainly believe there's a dismissal, a general dismissal of what it means to be a man.

00:04:12.460 And, uh, I think a lot of this can be warranted in many ways and some of it certainly isn't, but either way, we have an opportunity to focus on the external.

00:04:23.440 And the external is all of the things that are happening around us and to us and whatever else.

00:04:27.400 And I think certainly that needs to be addressed, but I think more important than that is that we focus on the internal and the internal inevitably produces the results that we're after, which is that we are honored as men honored as husbands and fathers and business owners and community leaders.

00:04:44.400 And ultimately that has to be earned. And I believe that it's earned through our conduct. It's earned through the way that we behave. If we want to achieve any level of success in our families and our businesses and our communities and how we're showing up in the world, then I believe that is our obligation to go out and earn that.

00:05:01.840 And the best way, the best foundation, I should say for earning that level of respect as men is to live by a code and a code is an operating system. A code is the way that you will behave, the way that you will engage, the way that you will show up.

00:05:17.640 And I think if we can create these honorable codes in our own lives, and I think of course there's, there's going to be a lot of overlap here, but if we can create and adhere to identify and adhere to a honorable, strong, masculine code, then I think a lot of these external factors, uh, begin to go away as a by-product of us living the way that we should.

00:05:40.880 So that's what I want to talk with you about today. I want to talk with you about how to build a code, uh, why it's important, what it actually is, what should be included. And, uh, we'll get into that here in just a second. Now I do want to mention something here is again, I titled this living by a code or dying without one.

00:05:59.800 I think all of us understand what we mean when I say live by a code, but when I say die without one, obviously I'm not talking about literal death. I guess it could be, but that's not really what I'm referring to. I'm referring to all sorts of ways that we could potentially die without having to physically die. Uh, Ben Franklin said many people die at 25 and aren't buried until they are 75. So there's all sorts of different deaths, spiritual death, mental, emotional death.

00:06:28.880 And I think there's so many men out there who are wandering around like lifeless zombies in their day to day activities. And I think part of the reason that they're experiencing what they're experiencing without any passion, without any drive or motivation or ambition, and they're bouncing to and fro, whichever ways society and the winds blow them is because they don't have a foundational bedrock called a code in which they're living by.

00:06:53.760 And I found in my life when I wasn't adhering to and hadn't taken time to identify what was meaningful and significant to me and an operating system by which I would behave that I too felt that way, that I felt like I didn't have purpose, like I didn't have direction or clarity in my life.

00:07:11.280 And as I began to establish a code and think about what was important to me, it became my compass. It became the compass by which I measured certain decisions that needed to be made. And then of course, the way that I chose to show up in my work and in my family and in my business and my community. And again, every facet of life. So guys living by a code is critical. And I'm not talking about my code.

00:07:34.760 I'm not talking about even society's code. Although of course, we're probably going to incorporate elements of that. I'm talking about identifying and articulating a code that you feel is meaningful and significant. So this next 10 to 15 to 20 minutes isn't about giving you my code. It's not about telling you the way you quote unquote should do it.

00:07:59.380 It's about arming you with the information so that you can go out and you can write down and you can identify and you can develop and articulate what it is that you want to live, how it is that you want to live.

00:08:10.340 It's very similar when we're talking about establishing code to the concept of discipline equals freedom. We know that's Jocko's quote. Aristotle said something very similar 2000 years ago when he said through discipline comes freedom.

00:08:23.580 A lot of times when people talk about codes or guidelines or laws, most people think that's restrictive. And I agree. It is restrictive by design. It is restrictive. It's to restrict you from engaging in behavior that you know is not going to produce the results that you're after.

00:08:44.400 And the problem with not adhering to this, not having some level of discipline is that our emotions become our enemy. How does this work? Well, think about you, for example, valuing exercise. And when you get tired or you're down or you're feeling down because there was a project that didn't go right at work or there's a little rift in your relationship.

00:09:07.600 Well, you're less likely to work out because you're allowing that emotion of fear or anger or sorrow or resentment or frankly, just laziness get into the way of what you've already identified as being important. And that's what's so critical about the code. It's about establishing a framework before you get into the heat of the moment.

00:09:26.460 You know, I talk with a lot of guys, for example, who go out and they step out on their wives. And then you hear these men who talk about losing themselves in the moment. Things just got heated. I lost myself in the moment. Well, you didn't have a strong enough code. You didn't adhere to that code. It wasn't internalized well enough for you in order for you to avoid what you knew, what you knew went against the morality that you have identified for yourself.

00:09:52.160 That's why this code and having this process in place is so critical. So now that we know a little bit about what a code is, we know why it's so important. We need to talk about what should be included in your code. And I'm going to list out, I think I've got five or so tips here that I wanted to share with you so that you can begin to articulate this for yourself. But before I do that, I wanted to share with you the code that me and my sons actually came up with together.

00:10:18.280 And I think I actually mentioned this on the podcast either last week or earlier this week, but I wanted to share this with you because I think it's going to articulate a little bit more clearly what it is that I'm suggesting you do. So this is the Mickler code of conduct. It's a one page document. I think there's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, nine bullet points on here that we as Mickler men adhere to.

00:10:45.000 So I'm just going to read this to you and then we'll get into my suggestions for you. All right. Number one, we will be disciplined in whatever we pursue because discipline equals freedom. When faced with difficult decisions and choices, we will always act with courage and bravery. We know it is our responsibility to protect, provide, and preside. And we act accordingly. We understand if we are to achieve our goals, we must work our hardest. We do our very best to keep ourselves physically, mentally, and spiritually strong.

00:11:13.280 We take responsibility for our thoughts, choices, and actions, and learn from our mistakes. We respect ourselves, our surroundings, and others. We believe in being honest and truthful in every way, even if it's hard. We think with our minds, feel with our hearts, and follow our souls. And then me, my oldest son, and my second son signed this document.

00:11:34.640 This is a work in progress. This is something that I'm actually having framed and will put on the wall, as well as having copies from my boys that will be framed and put into their bedroom on the wall as well, because we want to refer to this often.

00:11:48.060 But that gives you a little bit of an insight into what it is I'm talking about when I'm talking about a code. So let's break this down a little bit. First and foremost, I think this needs to be a one-page document.

00:11:57.940 It needs to be a literal, physical copy of something. I think it's great if you're thinking about this. I think it's great if you've articulated it in your mind and you're having discussions about the things that are important to you as an individual and as a family.

00:12:10.900 But I just think there's something more significant about having this documented somewhere. And there's been studies and research that suggest when it comes to goal setting, for example, that you are significantly more capable of achieving those goals if you make this simple act of writing those goals down.

00:12:32.760 So your code needs to be written. It needs to be articulated. I suggest that it be on one page. It doesn't need to be a document. It doesn't need to be a book or a chapter of the book. It just needs to be one page that clearly articulates the most important things to you. Not everything that's important to you, but the most important things to you.

00:12:53.280 So that's, that's tip number one. Tip number two, guys, list out, get a piece of paper out, get a journal, get your computer, whatever it is, list out the virtues, the qualities, the characteristics that you value above all else. If it's strength, honor, integrity, sacrifice, commitment, family, exercise, health, wealth, abundance, mindset, you name it. Don't

00:13:23.280 Eliminate anything that you want to eliminate anything that you want to write down right now. Don't narrow this down at all. What I want you to do is I just want you to brainstorm and I just want you to dump all of that stuff out of your mind, out of your consciousness, if you will, onto a document, onto a piece of paper, write down words, write down notes, write down phrases, write down anything that comes into mind that you value. And now that you have this idea or multiple, multiple ideas of what should be included.

00:13:51.200 Now I want you to start narrowing this down. I want you to consider this like a funnel. There's going to be some things, for example, honesty and integrity, very similar concepts. Do you need to list both? Probably not. Is there one overarching theme that you can use that would whittle that down into one? Because again, if you list everything that you could possibly value in your life, it's going to be too long.

00:14:14.020 You need it to be short. You need it to be punchy. You need it to be strong and you need it to resonate with you at an emotional level. So whittle these virtues down, these things that you honor, these things that you value down into the most important virtues.

00:14:30.880 And then you might have five or seven or 10 or 15 or 20. I wouldn't make it any more than that because at that point it becomes too cumbersome and too large to actually focus on any one of these things. So again, list out your virtues is number two, list out your virtues, qualities, and characteristics, and then narrow them down into the ones that are most important.

00:14:50.120 Now I think this is important. And as I was thinking about what I wanted to share with you today, I was judging what I was going to share according to the code that me and my sons had written.

00:15:00.780 And what I suggest to you is that you write these statements and they should be statements. Once you have the virtues and the qualities and characteristics that you value, now you should turn those into sentences, but they should be statements.

00:15:12.540 But I would suggest that you write them down as if you're already living them. And I'll give you a example where we didn't do that. Uh, in our code of conduct, the first one, for example, says we will be disciplined in whatever we pursue because discipline equals freedom. I would actually rephrase this in thinking about a little bit more. And we'll touch on this here in a minute, not to, we will, but we are, we are disciplined in whatever we pursue because discipline equals freedom.

00:15:41.200 The second bullet point is when faced with difficult decisions and choices, we will always act with courage and bravery. Again, I would change that to say when faced with difficult decisions and choices, we act with courage and bravery. That might seem like a small little nuanced difference that might just be semantics, but I think there's something to be said for making bold assertions into how you are currently living.

00:16:08.760 Because I think that we generally speaking have a vision for ourselves. And I haven't met another man who doesn't have a vision for himself, but we have these visions for ourselves and the way that we would like to show up. And we are constantly working towards that vision of ourselves. If the vision for yourself is that you act with courage and bravery, I think you're naturally going to be inclined to move towards that.

00:16:31.480 So it's not a matter of, so it's not a matter of, we will do it when faced with it, but we do this now. We live by this code. Now this code defines us. Now we are this code.

00:16:41.700 So don't make it a statement as I will do this or when faced with this, but this is how I behave. This is how I operate. This is my standard. This is my operating system. And I can see there's some aspects of me and my son's code of conduct that we need to tweak a little bit.

00:17:00.980 Next guys. So that was number three, write them down as if you're already living these, these virtues or these codes. Number four is you've got to refer to this thing often. All right. It's not enough to write this down once and the next 24 hours or whatever it takes and file it away in your filing cabinet or file away on the computer and then never refer to it. You have to refer to this thing often. Right now I've got it sitting right on my desk, which is why I could just pull it out and read it to you.

00:17:28.260 We're going to have it framed and it's going to sit right above my desk so I can read it and refer to it often. Me and my boys actually talked about reading one of these statements every single day so that we can begin to memorize and most importantly, begin to internalize the way we behave. Now, what's great about this, especially with kids is there's an expectation. So if my boys fall out of alignment with the things that we've identified as being important, it's very easy for me to refer back to the document and say,

00:17:56.280 Hey, bullet point number five, we do our very best to keep ourselves physically, mentally, and spiritually strong. And yet the activities that you were engaging in are keeping you from adhering to that code. I can now hold my kids accountable. And on the other hand, they will also hold me accountable, which by the way, they have done. This is good. This is accountability. You need to memorize this. You need to internalize it. It needs to be part of you. It needs to be you.

00:18:24.280 So refer to it often, have it somewhere in a location where you can see it, where you're talking about it. If you're including your family or maybe in a work environment, then I would consider incorporating this into meetings, into conversations and discussing these codes and even memorizing, which is what me and my boys committed to doing is memorizing our entire code of conduct.

00:18:47.200 So that's number four guys refer to this thing often. Now, the last thing that I wanted to share with you is that this is a work in progress. This is not a one and done a set and forget it. Once I document it, everything's fine. Nothing will ever change. Things change. You evolve, you grow, your kids evolve, your kids change.

00:19:04.600 The situation changes, priorities shift from time to time. And so you need to be able to be flexible, not so rigid in your code of conduct that you can't take in new information and new ways of looking at things and incorporate this into your life.

00:19:18.680 So you've got to be willing to work on this. Maybe that's setting aside one day per week or one day per month where you're going to review this. And as I had just talked to you with you a minute ago, is there's some verbiage changes that we need to make within our code of conduct.

00:19:33.280 And we will continue to change these. And this will continue to evolve and grow based on where I am and based on where my children are and where we are in life in general.

00:19:42.880 So make this a document that molds and grows as you do. Now, there should be some rigidity to it in that you're not just manipulating it to get what you want or to do what you feel like you should be doing in any given moment that goes against what you know is a value of yours, but you should be able to evolve, grow and expand.

00:20:02.620 So those are the five steps that I wanted to give you guys. This is not a complex process. All right. This is not something that needs to be overthought or overanalyzed or scrutinized. Very simply for me, it's always served me well to have a standard, an operating system in which I live.

00:20:21.900 I mean, if you look at military, for example, I'm looking at Jocko's new book, the dichotomy of leadership. And I think about the seal code and I think about the warrior ethos. And I think about every military unit and branch of the military that has their own code of conduct.

00:20:39.100 And I think any great organization, any great family and frankly, any great man has a way in which he will live his life. And it's not blurry. It's not something he can't clearly articulate. He knows exactly what he stands for in any given moment.

00:20:55.100 And because he knows exactly what he stands for exactly what he will not stand for. He's able to make the best decisions in the heat of the moment when he gets angry or scared or sad or whatever.

00:21:09.220 When he's tempted to go against that, he won't because he's clearly identified what is important to him and how he will behave. So guys, let me recap here. First and foremost, make it a one page document. Shouldn't be a novel. Should be a one page document. You can refer to often and quickly. Number two, you're going to list out the virtues, qualities, characteristics that you value above all.

00:21:33.640 And then you're going to narrow them down into the few five, 10, 15 or so virtues that are important to you. Now you're going to write them down as if you're already living them. So these are sentences. These are statements. These are bold assertions of the way that you already live. I am disciplined. I act with courage and bravery. I am a protector, provider, presider. Those are the types of statements you should be making. Number four, refer to this often. Memorize it, internalize it.

00:22:03.780 So that you can live it when you get in the heat of the moment. And number five, make this a work in progress. This is not something you're going to do over the next 24 hours. You're going to be done. It's going to be something that you should do often for the rest of your life. So guys, I hope that helps you live by a code or die without one. I hope I've articulated to you the importance of having this code, having this system. It's been invaluable in my life. And quite frankly, knowing what I stand for, and it wasn't always as articulated as it is now,

00:22:32.860 but knowing what I stand for has been the foundation, has been the catalyst for growth and expansion and all good things in my life. So I'll leave you there today. Guys, if you would, please go leave us again, a rating and review.

00:22:48.540 So we can get the word out to more men, more men need to hear this society in general needs more masculine men. It's my mission to do that, but I need your help. So go out, leave a rating and review, share that. So we can get great guests. So we can bump ourselves up in the ratings. So more people, more men can see what we're doing.

00:23:05.480 Go out there, get your codes written. I would love to see what you've written down as your codes. So you can do that on Instagram. And if you go to my Instagram account at Ryan Mickler, a couple of weeks ago, maybe not even that long ago, maybe a week ago, I actually took a picture of the code I shared with you. So you can do that.

00:23:23.380 I would love for you to take a picture of your code that you've done with yourself or with your kids or with your employees. Take a picture, tag me at Ryan Mickler on that. I would, it would be cool to see what you guys are up to. Also in our Facebook group, facebook.com slash groups slash order of man. We're going to continue the discussion over there. And then lastly is our iron council, which is our exclusive brotherhood. And we all live by a code over there as well.

00:23:50.060 So we're doing these kinds of exercises and so many more that are going to help improve our lives and the lives of the people that we serve. So gentlemen, again, Evan Hafer on next week with Black Rifle Coffee. Make sure you tune in, make sure you subscribe and go out, have a great weekend. We'll catch you next week. Go out guys, take action, become the man you are meant to be.

00:24:09.620 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

00:24:20.060 You're ready to join the order of man.com.

Order of Man - October 05, 2018

Live by a Code, or Die Without One

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