Order of Man - Losing Your Job, Raising a Step-Son, and Making Payroll ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 If I see an angry bison, I'm gonna go the other way. 0.99

00:00:04.320 I'm a rational human being. 1.00

00:00:06.020 I'm not gonna walk towards it.

00:00:07.940 And so we think we've evolved past this.

00:00:09.860 You haven't. 1.00

00:00:10.780 Your wife is not an angry bison, 1.00

00:00:13.540 but damn if it isn't scary. 1.00

00:00:15.320 So you're not gonna bring it up. 0.98

00:00:17.680 You're not gonna rock the boat.

00:00:18.860 You're not gonna ruffle any feathers.

00:00:20.580 Because the alternative is that you speak

00:00:22.180 what's really on your mind

00:00:23.200 and you talk about what really bothered you,

00:00:24.960 but the risk is that she gets more mad and more upset,

00:00:27.620 says meaner things, 0.53

00:00:28.640 and then it becomes a bigger problem.

00:00:30.500 And so most men will say,

00:00:31.620 well, I'm not going to address that.

00:00:34.580 Kip, what's up, man?

00:00:35.560 So good to see you.

00:00:36.560 I was teasing you a little earlier.

00:00:37.820 You're looking like Grizzly Adams over there.

00:00:41.460 You know, when the beard gets a little longer,

00:00:43.240 you start to notice a lot more gray in that beard, bro.

00:00:46.340 I gotta tell you.

00:00:47.180 Dude, so much gray.

00:00:48.600 Yeah, the good part about the whole scenario

00:00:52.440 is I know if I just want to look 10 years older,

00:00:54.960 I just got to shave.

00:00:56.120 So at any moment, I can hit the reset button

00:00:58.260 and go back 10 years uh in age i always look younger when i when i shave but i look older

00:01:04.760 with all this gray man it's bad what's your okay so what's your take on you know wait how old are

00:01:10.120 you kip you're 46 47 yep 47 okay so i'm 45 so what's your take on dying a beard a man dying

00:01:21.000 his beard what's your take it's not my thing i don't even like the idea of coloring my hair

00:01:27.960 thank you like i i i just like the idea of just there's power in accepting where you are

00:01:36.020 and there's you give over your power when you're unwilling to and if especially if it's something

00:01:42.940 outside of my realm of control so i i just double down on those things like i'm just going to

00:01:47.700 embrace this and just say hey it is what it is you said it a lot more eloquently than me to me

00:01:53.960 when you dye your beard you might as well be a woman who puts on mascara eyeshadow blush and

00:02:00.060 lipstick like you don't need to do that besides the other thing what's cool about being a man at

00:02:05.520 least part of it is women actually like gray hair guys they like it i don't know if asia has said

00:02:12.960 anything about it but women actually like gray hair and most guys like try to dye it and make

00:02:18.520 it look younger. Don't be, be the authoritarian, be the authority figure, be the, the wise elder.

00:02:25.000 I never understood dying your beard. It's silly. Yeah. We luck out. We, we actually, I, I've heard 0.99

00:02:31.320 multiple times that we look better with age. We do. And men do. Women don't. Men do. Yeah.

00:02:38.380 Well, and I think it's actually biologically driven. So if you think about the sexes men,

00:02:43.360 i'm i'm i'm generalizing but i think everybody will understand the concept and if you're being

00:02:48.800 a rational person you get it but men are looking for a partner with youth and vitality right so

00:02:55.900 that's why women wear makeup that's why they have mommy makeovers that's why women tend to dress 0.75

00:03:01.640 younger than they actually are that's why they dye their hair because they want to look younger 0.99

00:03:08.380 and oftentimes they're actually doing it to compete with other their female counterparts 0.55

00:03:12.640 because they're competing for, guess what? 0.97

00:03:17.360 The stable man, the strong man,

00:03:20.580 the emotionally secure man, the man with provision 0.95

00:03:24.360 because women are generally looking for somebody

00:03:26.580 to protect, provide, and preside for them. 1.00

00:03:29.940 So women drew the short end of the stick on that deal. 1.00

00:03:34.680 So women are always looking to be youthful 0.98

00:03:38.400 and vibrant and vitality, 0.51

00:03:39.980 and men ought to be leaning towards being the authority figure wisdom uh emotional temperance

00:03:49.920 that's what women are looking for that's why if you look even just the marriage rates that's why

00:03:54.420 men generally i don't know the statistic but it's probably 80 to 90 percent of the time are older

00:04:00.040 than their partner obviously yeah that's why yeah and and part of our short end of the stick is 0.90

00:04:06.240 we were dumb in our early twenties. We're, our brains are still developing and we're really

00:04:13.980 immature. So it kind of takes us a while to grow up. Well, that's actually part of the reason that

00:04:19.740 women thrive so well. It's part, not the only, but part of the reason women thrive so well in 1.00

00:04:24.600 school, uh, pre, pre, you know, like elementary school, high school, and then post post-education, 1.00

00:04:31.520 post-secondary education is because their brains just mature faster so they're like why are boys 0.96

00:04:37.140 so stupid because we're acting three years younger than our age that's why yeah yeah because we 0.99

00:04:43.340 actually are stupid exactly but it is interesting even even in in the dating world you know and it's 0.99

00:04:53.500 often said that that men's value or worth from from a female's perspective goes up but as they 0.99

00:05:02.400 get older but the converse is also true that a woman's value to a man as they get older goes

00:05:09.440 down so that's kind of an interesting phenomenon and it should give hope to any man who maybe go

00:05:15.320 through goes through a divorce um later in life like your stock's still going up brother i'm

00:05:21.640 telling you your stock is still going on time yeah so all right cool enough of that should we

00:05:28.940 get into wholesome or not or whatever we're calling it yeah whatever you want to call it

00:05:34.600 let's do it i have two all right so yellowstone and ufc is what i'm calling this yellowstone and

00:05:41.400 ufc um okay where do you want to start the show or the national park the national park i'll let

00:05:47.840 you pick where you want to start yellowstone or ufc where do you want to start uh let's let's kick

00:05:52.260 off with ufc all right ufc obviously big fight weekend two big fights we had patty the baddie

00:05:58.860 which i think his nickname's wrong his his it's wrong it's daddy patty the daddy like yeah that 0.59

00:06:05.420 guy is fucking incredible i mean the i don't know if it was a darse or an anaconda he threw on that 0.84

00:06:11.440 guy uh it's like a dar slash peruvian necktie yeah dude yeah and then he and then he was he was 0.99

00:06:19.440 actually very uh creative like he pulled him into him into his guard essentially and he threw his

00:06:26.660 left leg over and his right leg notice how he kicked his hand his arm out and secured his other

00:06:32.300 free arm out with his right leg i'm like dude that's very creative and he put that i don't even

00:06:38.620 know who he fought but he put that dude to sleep i mean that guy was out you saw when the guy woke

00:06:44.560 up he was like am i still fighting he didn't know what happened yeah yeah that dude he is amazing

00:06:51.180 and i know gaichi you know touched him up pretty well but even still as he says scousers don't get

00:06:56.880 knocked out like he stood his ground with gaichi i'd love to see that fight and run that one back

00:07:01.700 but dude what a cool fight and then conor mcgregor dude i don't know what you think

00:07:09.080 i'm conflicted on this one all right so hear me out so you have some greats right you have like

00:07:17.980 i think about the world of football you have guys like joe montana who's a childhood hero of mine

00:07:25.720 And then you've got guys like Tom Brady and, um, you know, just, just incredible players who don't know when it's time to leave. And as a competitor, I think, no, I Brett Favre is another one. And I'm like, I get that. I respect that. And also know your, know your role a little bit.

00:07:49.740 like at some point it's time to evolve into a different stage of your life and from where I

00:07:56.180 sat in the videos I've seen I don't I don't want to totally pass judgment on it but it's hard for

00:08:02.780 me to believe that Conor Greger wasn't compromised before the fight but if you don't go fight you

00:08:09.080 don't win your your purse so yeah I think he was kind of compromised before I mean even on the 1.00

00:08:16.760 walkout you saw like he couldn't even get out of his shoes without like having a little gimp or

00:08:20.840 something so i don't like that i think it's i think it's very disingenuous i think it's i think

00:08:28.600 it it taints the game a little bit i don't know not wholesome to me conor mcgregor's return

00:08:35.440 was not wholesome um patty the dad i'm just gonna call him patty the daddy now instead of patty the

00:08:41.020 batty. Wholesome. That guy is awesome. I love that guy. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. What's great 0.84

00:08:49.060 about Patty is his stock went up. Here's the wholesome element of him. His stock went up by

00:08:55.580 losing to Gaethje. Oh, totally. He won, even though he lost. Absolutely. Absolutely. Because

00:09:01.280 of the way he showed up. Exactly. Exactly. I've, I've known guys, I've seen fights where a guy

00:09:07.920 lost but their character showed in the fight and you're just like i love that guy even more

00:09:15.860 even though they lost the fight and and and that's that's patty obviously amazing jujitsu

00:09:22.580 i saw the interview which i just love this because i was like man did he practice that move like i've

00:09:28.240 never seen that before because i actually love an approvian necktie and so the fact that he did

00:09:33.520 like a version of it with a darse i'm like what the crap and in the interview it was so great is

00:09:40.060 he's like i've never even done that before right he's like i was just feeling it it was there 0.89

00:09:45.840 that and and of course you know he's cocky he's like that's how good my jiu-jitsu is you know

00:09:50.380 what i mean but it's like dude that is true right but it was it was awesome you know the thing about

00:09:57.360 connor that comes to mind is i like to just look at it a little bit deeper right why come back and

00:10:03.980 you're right right there's there's a lot of evidence that would justify one to come back

00:10:09.440 even though they're compromised and that's why we question it because it's like well if he is

00:10:14.100 compromised and he canceled the fight what's on the line a lot of things so really not a lot

00:10:19.100 millions of dollars millions of dollars yeah and reputation so you can't help but go if he was

00:10:25.260 compromise would he still show up and most people would i would yeah so of course i would yeah so

00:10:32.520 you can't help but assume that the the part i like to talk about a little bit around connor is

00:10:38.400 the same thing you see with dustin poirier and the same thing we see with probably the guy that

00:10:44.140 we were talking about before we hit record people tie their identities to things and they tie their

00:10:51.400 identities to things that expire. And be careful that you're not defining who you are based upon

00:10:58.980 something you're going to lose. And I think Dustin Poirier alluded to that with his mishap at the

00:11:07.280 airport and his kind of in this moment of depression after his retirement, I would argue

00:11:13.520 it's the same demons that Conor McGregor is fighting with letting go is who he is, his

00:11:19.780 intrinsic value he believes is in him fighting and eventually that's going to expire so what do you

00:11:26.780 do with it i like i like the terminology don't tie your identity to things that will expire

00:11:34.020 that could be fighting that could be law enforcement that could be corporate executive

00:11:38.620 that could be father and that won't expire just evolve a soldier i i do take a little bit of issue

00:11:44.980 kip hear me out on this one tell me what you think when you say that mishap that happened at the

00:11:50.640 airport i i take a little issue with that because that is so such passive language and when i saw

00:11:58.380 that yeah i wasn't bought i was i was i was a little bothered by that but i wasn't disappointed

00:12:05.200 in him i actually had empathy for him in that moment but let's not call it a mishap let's call

00:12:12.020 it a breakdown he created it yeah let's call it for what it really is and that's what guys need

00:12:17.260 to understand like when you have a brother and he steps out on his wife or he gets into substance

00:12:24.480 abuse or he gets himself in trouble or he makes bad financial decisions let's not call it a mishap

00:12:30.120 let's say you made poor decisions and also i have empathy for you i can see why you might feel that

00:12:39.600 way but let's we really do need to call it for what it is i like i saw that breakdown from dust

00:12:44.860 and i was like dude i had so much empathy because obviously he was he was inebriated i don't know

00:12:51.240 if he was drinking or doing drugs but he was inebriated yeah yeah and it's like dude that's

00:12:57.080 not a mishap that was a conscious choice and i also understand where some of that might spring

00:13:03.600 from especially somebody who's trying to constantly fight the temptation of alcohol abuse like i get

00:13:09.580 it. I understand, but we need to call it out for what it really is. Yeah. And anyone that's

00:13:14.960 listening that goes, well, you know, that's too harsh, Ryan. No, listen to Poirier. He knows

00:13:20.240 that when he's in a certain mental state, he shouldn't be drinking. He admits to that. Like,

00:13:25.340 yeah, I know I shouldn't have been. Yeah. And, and he did anyway. So what do you expect when you,

00:13:30.620 especially if you have a history and you have knowledge of how you're going to react in those

00:13:34.680 circumstances yeah no i feel dude i feel for those guys like especially when i feel i wonder

00:13:41.380 how dana white feels about this stuff like i i gets talked about sometimes but i'm like dude

00:13:48.420 you're you're making guys fight against you're not making them that's not the right word i'm

00:13:54.520 trying to use proper proper verbiage like be precise with your language um you're not making

00:14:01.240 them but you are exploiting it you're definitely exploiting it and a lot of these guys come from

00:14:08.060 broken homes they come from broken families they come from tragedy they come from substance abuse

00:14:14.520 and you're giving them a way out i understand that but i'd actually be curious about and maybe

00:14:21.440 there is i don't know so i'm not going to jump to conclusions but i wish the ufc focused

00:14:26.600 heavily on mental health like how do we train these guys to be mentally healthy how do we

00:14:35.180 train them to rise above their circumstances outside of the octagon i would love if maybe

00:14:41.660 they do i'm not saying they don't maybe they do but i would love to see that aspect of ufc

00:14:46.680 i really would yeah or even retirement assistance you know to help them exit well at least yeah

00:14:54.680 yeah yeah all right so ufc all right so we talked about yellowstone and ufc did you see this thing

00:15:01.920 in yellowstone where this this bison threw this guy eight feet in the air oh man well i i no i

00:15:10.040 didn't but i didn't i did i already knew what was gonna like the minute you said the park i was like 0.88

00:15:14.480 oh got it another retarded tourist doing a selfie with a bison maybe or i actually i'm not gonna 0.80

00:15:22.040 pass judgment because it's hard to tell in the moment that the the tourist was so the bison was 0.92

00:15:27.620 on one side of the road and this is a big bull and he's like tearing through a camp and messing

00:15:33.680 things up and people are taking video or whatever and across the street and i mean based on what i

00:15:39.060 saw i'd probably say it was like 50 to 80 yards if i had to guess but again sometimes pretty far

00:15:45.200 that's a good distance if i had to guess that's about what it would be and so there was this

00:15:49.640 older gentleman and his wife just i don't even think people say he's taking video but then

00:15:55.840 there's other video that looks like he's actually just looking through binoculars

00:15:58.620 and and so i don't i don't know i didn't look at it that deeply but this this bison decided to be

00:16:05.420 pissed and ran across the street and chased him around some bushes around and around and around 0.79

00:16:11.620 and the guy was running through it and um i'm trying not to laugh because i'll go to hell 0.86

00:16:18.700 But, I mean, picked him up, threw him eight feet in the air.

00:16:24.760 I think he's in serious condition.

00:16:26.340 And look, whether you brought it upon yourself or not,

00:16:29.000 I don't wish harm on people.

00:16:30.760 Unless they're communists and socialists, then I do.

00:16:36.380 Is he like an elderly guy?

00:16:38.360 Elderly guy, yeah.

00:16:39.220 He's a little heavyset, long white beard.

00:16:43.240 He's an elderly guy.

00:16:44.080 He's in serious condition.

00:16:45.600 I don't wish that on people.

00:16:48.000 But also, we tend to believe as human beings that we've just evolved past all of this,

00:16:54.240 and largely we have.

00:16:56.160 But when you go into a wild habitat, whether it's a bison or a mountain lion,

00:17:00.800 or years and years ago, there was a deer that just,

00:17:03.960 do you remember this video?

00:17:04.760 It's like the first viral video probably ever.

00:17:07.320 This deer just stomping this dude in the forest.

00:17:11.040 This is real stuff.

00:17:12.640 Have some reverence.

00:17:14.480 And so wholesome, the bison is wholesome.

00:17:18.000 and also bison's doing what a bison does be smart man be smart there's a story a fable about a young

00:17:26.940 boy and a snake and i think it's aesop's fables and there's 12 or 13 of them or whatever and a

00:17:35.560 boy comes to a river and he's going to cross the river and he runs across a snake and the snake

00:17:40.200 says hey will you help me cross the river and the boy says i'm not going to take you across the river

00:17:45.020 you're a snake you'll bite me he's like no no no I won't bite you I just need to get across the

00:17:48.880 river and he's like no no I'm not gonna take you like you're gonna bite me he's like no I promise

00:17:53.980 I won't so the boy says okay well I'll carry you in my arms and so he picks up the snake and he

00:17:57.720 starts to ford the river and the snake says it's cold can you put me in your jacket and the boy

00:18:02.480 says no I'm not gonna put you in my jacket like you'll bite me if I put you in my jacket he says

00:18:07.540 no no I'm just cold put me in your jacket so I can be warm and then when we get to the other side

00:18:13.040 let me go and I'll leave. And so the boy says, okay, I'll put you in my jacket. So the boy puts

00:18:17.480 the snake in the jacket and he fords the river and he gets across to the other side and he's

00:18:22.120 going in to take the snake out and the snake bites him. And he says, hey, you said you weren't

00:18:29.600 going to bite me and you still bit me. And the snake says, you knew what I was when you picked

00:18:34.940 me up and you still chose to pick me up. And then the snake slid it off and the boy, I don't know

00:18:40.560 if he died or whatever but that's the story here you know a bison is a bison you know a mountain

00:18:48.100 lion is a mountain lion you know that conniving woman who you're trying to escape is a conniving 1.00

00:18:53.080 woman you know your boss is an asshole you you know all those things and and still you try to 0.99

00:18:59.180 talk yourself out of it because you want to be a quote decent human being well you know we're still 0.99

00:19:06.020 human beings and we're still animals and we ought to be prepared and aware of what could potentially

00:19:10.480 happen to us because if we don't we put ourselves and we put the people that we love and care about 0.93

00:19:16.280 in risk women are notorious for this they're too nice for their own good and this is why a lot of

00:19:21.980 the times and i'm not victim blaming but this is why a lot of the times they put themselves in

00:19:26.080 compromising positions there's been studies that actually show that women and men actually will put

00:19:32.240 themselves in compromising positions because they're too afraid of looking racist or judgmental

00:19:39.800 or bigoted. And yet they'll put themselves in dangerous situations because they don't want to

00:19:45.820 be called a bigot or a racist or fill in the blank. It's really wild, man. And this is the

00:19:53.120 plight of evolution and being at the top of the food chain. Yeah. Well, and I think a part of

00:19:59.820 this comes down to, we don't like, you know, we don't know bison. We don't know these things

00:20:05.980 because we don't hunt and we don't see our food and we get it from grocery stores and that's part

00:20:11.620 of the issue issue like even something as simple as a cow people might be like oh cattle cows oh

00:20:18.380 they're they're soft i don't remember some of those cows being soft when i was a kid

00:20:24.000 like i mean we intentionally run into the corral wait for one to chase us and then sprint to the

00:20:32.760 to the corner and like squeeze out really quick before they trample us right like trample us so

00:20:38.000 like and that's a cow that's not even a predator and he's trying to kill me you know what i mean

00:20:44.760 so it's like we we have an unhealthy relationship with the animal kingdom i think in in general and

00:20:52.420 nature yeah for that matter yeah bro i i i remember a situation just for the sake of time

00:21:00.620 I won't get into it it was with my oldest son I thought we were gonna die I really did I'm like

00:21:07.700 and I told him at the time like bud you need to know like we're dehydrated we don't have any water

00:21:15.760 left we're we're we're beginning to see the early stages of heat exhaustion and like people hear

00:21:26.480 that. And they're like, Oh no, you're no, I'm not exaggerating. I was, I was actually really worried

00:21:31.840 and it wasn't even a predator. It was the sun and lack of water, bro. And I like,

00:21:41.260 obviously everything was okay, but it's, it's the real deal. When you start getting out there,

00:21:47.760 I remember my oldest son also, um, when you talked about the cows, I remember, uh, years ago,

00:21:54.520 probably 10 years or plus at this point yeah it's probably about 10 years ago so he's eight or so

00:22:00.460 and I look out in the pasture and we had this big billy goat this big rad billy goat at the time

00:22:07.500 and it was getting to be you know like mating season and so he's out there in the pasture and 0.55

00:22:12.620 I see the billy goat like stomp out and he saw him and I'm like oh shit I gotta get out there

00:22:18.640 and so this billy goat like runs up to him and just like squares up with him like he's

00:22:24.400 gonna ram him and my kids like seven or eight years old at the time like god so i ran out there

00:22:29.540 and the billy goat kind of nudges him a couple of times and then i see him start stomping like

00:22:36.080 he's gonna ram him and breckin starts running he starts running and he turns around he's like

00:22:43.180 he real i could see it in real time breckin's like i realize i can't make it to the fence in time

00:22:47.920 so he turns around and there's this two before on the ground in the field and he picks it up

00:22:54.280 and that billy goat comes at him and he just wham baseball bat swings him across the forehead

00:23:00.060 and the billy goat kind of like stumbles and like what just happened and as soon as he hit him he

00:23:06.500 just ran to the fence and like hopped over the fence and the billy goat was like on his heels

00:23:10.360 and i get out there about the time he gets across the fence and he's like his eyes are

00:23:16.140 and he's like yeah that was scary i'm like yeah i bet it was he's like he almost got me i'm like

00:23:24.260 like, yeah, he almost did good work. And he's like, I'm not going in there again. I'm like,

00:23:29.840 good lesson. Good idea. It's real, man. But people aren't exposed to that the way we used to be.

00:23:36.740 Yeah. Even chickens, right? Those, those suckers are like for little kids,

00:23:41.680 those chickens would be dangerous. Totally. Yeah, totally. All right, man. Well, 0.61

00:23:45.960 good reminiscing, good talking about these things. So I think what we decided is that,

00:23:50.360 at least what i decided is that patty the daddy is wholesome conor mcgregor was hurt before the

00:23:58.400 fight that's not wholesome and animals in the wild protecting themselves is wholesome that's

00:24:05.220 what i decided yeah and and we live with we live in their environment so we have to respect him

00:24:11.360 yeah all right yeah all right let's get to some questions yeah so we're gonna kick off with uh

00:24:17.800 Matt Mattucci, he says, why does it feel like it's nearly impossible to have genuine and authentic thoughts, emotions, and actions in everyday life?

00:24:29.320 What are the main things that steer you towards being in alignment with your authentic self?

00:24:39.280 Okay, so I'm thinking about this from two angles.

00:24:41.260 When Matt says impossible, do you think he's talking about his own self-assessment or do you think he's talking about the criticism from other people?

00:24:51.780 I think it's the driving force in himself to just not be himself, right?

00:25:00.020 To appease, to look good, all that.

00:25:03.080 Yeah, because you're not incentivized to do it.

00:25:06.420 That's it.

00:25:07.700 Human beings, we work on incentives and disincentives.

00:25:11.260 if if kip if if you came to me and you said something and you knew i was gonna beat your 0.97

00:25:19.660 ass because you said it you'd be less likely to say it if you came to me and you said the same 0.96

00:25:25.080 words but you knew i'd praise you because i said it then you would be significantly more likely to 0.73

00:25:30.540 come to me and say it that's it it's a payoff yeah that's all it is and so you're filtering

00:25:37.760 your words through the way people will respond will my wife oh here's a great here's a great

00:25:43.840 suggestion or a scenario let's say um you're upset about something that your wife said earlier that

00:25:53.560 morning and it really bothers you it's been eating at you you've been at work and it's been eating at

00:25:59.240 you and she was either cold or distant or aggressive or made a a really nasty slight

00:26:04.780 because she knows exactly what buttons to push

00:26:06.840 and she was feeling threatened and so she pushed back

00:26:09.200 and so she said this thing and it's just been eating at you.

00:26:15.520 Most men will not say anything about it

00:26:18.120 because what's the incentive?

00:26:22.160 Well, there is none.

00:26:22.980 The disincentive of saying it is that she's now going to be even more bad

00:26:26.440 or she's going to say something even nastier

00:26:28.440 or you're going to threaten your marriage 0.98

00:26:31.240 and there's financial consequences with that.

00:26:34.240 and so the threat of that changes your behavior same thing with the bison if i see an angry bison

00:26:41.720 i'm gonna go the other way if i'm a rational human being i'm not gonna walk towards it

00:26:48.500 and so we think we've evolved past this you haven't your wife is not an angry bison but 0.97

00:26:55.360 damn if it isn't scary so you're not gonna bring it up you're not gonna rock the boat you're not 0.90

00:27:01.760 going to ruffle any feathers because the alternative is that you speak what's really on your mind and 0.99

00:27:06.580 you talk about what really bothered you but the risk is that she gets even more mad and more

00:27:10.340 upset says meaner things and then it becomes a bigger problem and so most men will say well i'm

00:27:15.040 not going to address that i'm not going to bring that up i'm not going to broach that and that's

00:27:19.080 all it is like it's as simple as that incentives and disincentives there's nothing else to it it's

00:27:24.100 just human psychology so yeah what's the fix that's the question what's the fix that's the

00:27:29.900 real question we should be asking here what do you think it is well i i agree with the incentive

00:27:39.800 but i think it's short term i think it's a quick win but i think it has long-term negative

00:27:47.300 consequence and i think that's the fix right okay but let me stop you though kip real quick because

00:27:52.760 I would agree with that totally agree with that but human beings because we're just evolved

00:28:01.040 neanderthals it's like what's the immediate threat so of course you have to fix the threat

00:28:08.200 now so I would agree and also I'm like okay what's the biggest threat to my well-being right 1.00

00:28:13.260 now that bison that's staring at me not what my life is going to look like in 20 years yeah hard 1.00

00:28:19.340 to address firefighting when there's a fire that needs to be put out right yeah just right deal 0.99

00:28:24.960 with it immediately yeah so i i think i mean i think you have to realize that there is long-term

00:28:32.460 consequence just to just be present with it and that there is a cost right to to to the short-term

00:28:39.660 win um the second part though like to answer your question specifically it is that there is an

00:28:47.440 immediate cost as well. And it's to your energy. It's to alignment. It's to how you feel. And,

00:28:55.260 and it's easy because let me pause. Actually, I'm stumbling a little bit. There's an, there is some

00:29:01.080 immediate drawback and immediate benefit to addressing it as well. And I'll explain it here

00:29:05.760 in a second. But the other part is we always assume worst case scenario. And then we, we look

00:29:12.100 at the outcome to determine the action. And so I always like to address it this way is

00:29:17.360 if there's something that needs to be addressed, ask the question, should I do something? Should

00:29:22.260 I say something? Is something unaddressed? And if the answer is yes, then decide that you're going

00:29:28.300 to, and then work through how to do it in a way that it doesn't have immediate negative impact.

00:29:35.680 And because this is, this is why we avoid hard conversations. Cause I go, oh man,

00:29:40.080 if i have this conversation with ryan it's going to go blah blah blah blah blah and then i decide

00:29:44.100 not to do it because i've assumed all the worst case scenarios versus should i have a conversation

00:29:49.040 with ryan actually i should okay now how do i do it in a manner that i get the outcome and address

00:29:56.080 it in a way that's appropriate okay and we don't workshop it let's debate that for a second because

00:30:02.720 I don't totally agree with that because doing the right, like 80% of it, but the 20% I want

00:30:11.280 to address is when you said, Hey, let's address it in the short term and do it in a way where

00:30:18.260 there's no downside that doesn't exist, man. Well, yeah, there may always be a form of downside,

00:30:25.000 but I think, I still think that the benefit is greater than the drawback. I agree with that.

00:30:30.980 i agree with that yeah but i just i i would just caution men to believe that you can create an

00:30:36.520 environment where there's no sacrifice required yeah fair enough yeah like so for example the

00:30:42.460 courage to have it may always be required yeah yeah and and i think if we're honest about that

00:30:47.240 like so for example i think about jujitsu or football practice or lacrosse practice or whatever

00:30:52.080 i don't know about you but when i played football i love football i love the game i love the friday

00:30:58.580 night lights I loved hearing my name when the announcer said hey you got a tackle or a sack

00:31:03.800 I loved it I fucking hated practice but practice was worth it because I knew what it would feel

00:31:13.300 like on Friday night and and I think we need to be realistic about that when you go to talk with 0.96

00:31:19.700 your wife I need you to be realistic about this is not going to be comfortable guys there's no

00:31:26.080 environment like you can you can be tactful and you can soften it and you can tease it out a little

00:31:32.120 bit and make it in a way that's beneficial for both of you but also it's still gonna be scary

00:31:36.880 and she's still gonna have her like porcupine quills ready to go like it's gonna be scary

00:31:44.460 and also it's worth it yeah i totally agree

00:31:50.060 i think some things will just always have immediate impact and and we just need to be

00:31:58.980 like really truthful about it and say and ask ourselves is this worth it

00:32:03.960 yeah i think you and i would both agree that yeah it's worth it it's worth it to ruffle

00:32:10.160 feathers a little bit and by the way if you do it now you can actually do it in an environment where

00:32:14.980 it's not so agitated or frustrated or reactive which will be definitely better so yeah a lot

00:32:22.020 of guys will wait subconsciously for a fight with their wife for example to actually say what's on

00:32:28.380 their mind but by the time you wait to have a fight she's pissed you're pissed everybody's

00:32:33.740 bothered and you're digging your heels she's digging your heels but what if when you guys

00:32:38.400 are both doing really well let's say you had a really great night last night and um you went out

00:32:44.980 on a date and you really leaned into her and you had a great conversation and maybe you were a

00:32:51.080 little intimate later that evening what a lot of guys will do is they'll be like well i don't want

00:32:56.500 to i don't want to like bring this up now because i don't want to ruin a good thing no now's the time

00:33:00.920 to bring it up because you put some capital into the bank account now you can take a withdrawal

00:33:05.960 for a minute and i i wouldn't use it like right after sex like pillow talk is probably not a good

00:33:11.800 time to tell her what all the things she's doing wrong but but maybe the next day it's like hey

00:33:18.360 baby i had a really good night with you and it was like so good because um i've been i feel i've

00:33:22.900 been feeling so distant i've been feeling so disconnected and that's why last night was so

00:33:28.400 good how do we recreate that because i don't want to feel distant from you i want more of that and

00:33:34.440 that's a great time to bring up those discussions yeah yeah totally and and matt like you you have

00:33:42.900 this in the iron council but meant like talk it out with someone beforehand too right like you

00:33:51.880 know i can't i'm sure ryan you get this all the time right where where guys will ask for advice

00:33:56.520 and they're like i need to have this conversation you're like oh what were you planning and then

00:34:00.600 they share it with you. And you're like, dude, that is going to backfire. That is a bad idea.

00:34:06.500 Like get some advice, right. On, on how to have that conversation because so much,

00:34:12.540 what we share is accusatory and is in the space of interpretation and story that most cases is

00:34:20.580 very damaging, but we're not even self-aware, right? Like, and maybe that's part of this man

00:34:27.560 is just, you know, and I know that what Matt's alluding to here is like being in alignment

00:34:31.700 with yourself. It's exhausting when you're out of alignment. It's exhausting. I mean,

00:34:36.720 it's like going to jujitsu every week and pretending to be a purple belt when you're

00:34:41.460 just a white belt. It's exhausting hiding and avoiding conversations and avoiding certain

00:34:48.580 roles and just let it go you suck and just show up on the mats and admit that you just suck 1.00

00:34:58.240 and and that you're failed and that you make mistakes and you're not perfect 1.00

00:35:04.720 there's there's there's power in accepting where we are and and sometimes man like i don't know i i

00:35:13.500 i get exhausted just talking about how exhausting it is to keep on the personas of things there's

00:35:20.880 power in letting that shit go you know what's really crazy so i was on facebook i don't know 0.60

00:35:27.220 facebook like a local facebook group about four weeks three four weeks ago and a guy had posted 0.99

00:35:34.540 in there in a local facebook group he's like hey i've got a i've got a you know a gym in my garage

00:35:39.360 with mats and i train i'm a brown belt i've been training for you know 11 years 10 years whatever

00:35:44.220 it was and uh if you want to come train like there's a group of us that get together come

00:35:49.060 train with us i'm like that sounds cool i'll go do that awesome so i sent a message to the guy

00:35:53.560 and i'm like hey bro i can come up on sunday it's 20 minutes from my house i'm like i'd love to come

00:35:57.420 up and train with you he's like cool yeah here's the address meet us there at sunday at 8 a.m or

00:36:02.560 whatever i'm like cool i'll be there and i went up there and there was three other guys and me so

00:36:09.380 there's four of us and you know i met i met all the guys solid dudes like really good dudes they're 0.89

00:36:16.740 all big and strong i'm like i'm gonna get my ass beat this week like this is gonna be rough i

00:36:21.020 haven't trained real heavily over the past couple of years and i'm like these guys are gonna just 0.98

00:36:25.260 beat my ass today i was like bring it on let's go let's do it and you know they asked all of 0.78

00:36:32.020 ask me, they're like, how long have you been training? And I think what a lot of men will do 0.99

00:36:36.040 is like, I've been training for seven years and I'm a purple bell and I did this competition and

00:36:42.300 I did this and this and this. I don't understand why you would do that. I don't understand, but

00:36:48.400 guys do it all the time. And so for me, I'm like, you know, I trained for about three years, like

00:36:53.420 very consistently, but it's been about a year, year and a half since I like I've trained sporadically

00:36:59.580 here and there but it's been about a year year and a half before i did anything and so i said

00:37:03.520 i'm bait like i would consider myself a white belt today and like okay cool and they all beat 0.96

00:37:10.980 my ass like i thought they would but like why why would i why would i like but they were all 0.98

00:37:17.600 gracious about it they weren't just like pounding me for the sake of making it hurt for me they were 0.99

00:37:21.780 all very gracious why do we make it harder on ourselves just be honest i'm like hey guys like

00:37:27.180 I've been, I'm out of the loop. And so I would tell him like, Oh my gosh, the cardio, I need my

00:37:31.320 cardio back. Just like brutally honest because the performance spoke for itself. So anything that I

00:37:38.200 would have said or not said would either be out of or in alignment with my performance. And they

00:37:44.100 would have known and seen right through me like that. But I just decided to be honest and nobody

00:37:49.840 cared. Nobody cared. They're like, dude, that was fun. Like come back next week. We'd love to have

00:37:55.980 you back. Like, let's grow together. It was awesome. Yeah. I love it. So let me ask you

00:38:03.420 this, Ryan, like really specific to Matt's question, right? The main things that you do

00:38:08.520 to steer your tour yourself towards being in alignment or more authentic honesty. So

00:38:15.180 just honestly, like any scenario that comes up, just pausing and going, no, I'm just going to

00:38:21.100 say say and do the way it is and not try to maintain some type of persona or anything like

00:38:27.860 that it's just honesty people talk about vulnerability and your soft side and your

00:38:32.700 feminine side and being in touch with yourself no it's just honesty be honest you know i'm i'm

00:38:40.120 dating you know when i when i date and i go on a date and i had this happen recently i went on a

00:38:46.880 date with a woman I took her to dinner and I wasn't feeling it like I just I didn't I wasn't

00:38:52.640 feeling it and we had a great night you know I took her to dinner we had a great conversation

00:38:57.260 she's a lovely woman she's she's built a business and she seems like she does well with her kids

00:39:02.740 but it wasn't like I'm not I didn't like it like not that I didn't like it it just there was no

00:39:08.320 connection there and so after dinner I took her home was fairly early I didn't ask her to do

00:39:15.400 something else because I didn't want to do anything else. Like there's nothing here.

00:39:19.820 And so I dropped her off and walked her to the door and gave her a hug. And I said, good night

00:39:24.180 and I'll be in touch. And I reached out to her. I think, I think not the next day, but the following

00:39:31.000 day. And I sent her a message and I said, Hey, look, I just, I didn't really feel the connection

00:39:36.540 that I'm looking for. I really enjoyed dinner with you, but I wasn't feeling the connection.

00:39:40.720 and I just want to shoot straight.

00:39:44.280 I think that's the fairest thing to do.

00:39:46.020 So I just wanted to shoot straight

00:39:47.080 and I wish you all the best.

00:39:49.980 And she sent me a message back.

00:39:51.520 She's like, Ryan, thank you for the night.

00:39:53.700 Like I really had a fun night with you.

00:39:55.520 Thank you for taking me to dinner.

00:39:57.440 I didn't really feel the connection either.

00:39:59.680 And I just appreciate you letting me know

00:40:01.620 and not ghosting.

00:40:03.600 Bro, that's it.

00:40:06.140 Do it with tact, do it respectfully.

00:40:08.040 But all you need to do is tell the truth.

00:40:10.020 if you're frustrated with your wife and it's been looming over your head for a day or two

00:40:14.680 just go to her and say hey babe look this is as honest as you can be in that situation i've had

00:40:20.780 this situation happen where it's like hey babe look like i don't know what's been going on the

00:40:24.820 last week you know we had that little argument a week ago and i was mad at you and you were mad at

00:40:31.600 me and i've been thinking about it and i'm still a little bothered about this this and this but

00:40:37.320 also i'd rather work through it than just be distant bitter with each other like this is the

00:40:43.860 issue that i took and this is what i want to do to fix it you do you want to do that with me

00:40:49.440 she's gonna say yes like she's going to say yes um it's just being honest that's all not

00:40:59.000 vulnerability not not in touch with your feminine side it's just being honest and connecting your

00:41:04.940 heart with your words that's it yeah and that's where we'll get more growth anyway which is a

00:41:11.860 beautiful thing well and not to mention it's fair to the other person like why are you gonna abuse

00:41:17.300 the other person through distance and ignoring them and the silent treatment that's not fair to

00:41:22.920 them either yeah yeah i like it all right colton reyes i lost my job six months ago after 15 years

00:41:33.340 at the same company. I've applied everywhere and just landed something, but it's a pay cut

00:41:38.980 and a title downgrade. How does a man process that hit to his identity as a provider without

00:41:46.980 spiraling into shame every time he walks in the door? You have the wrong definition of provider,

00:41:53.580 bro. It's the wrong definition because the definition you're currently using is

00:42:02.560 have the best job in the world make the most money you can that's not a provider you know

00:42:07.340 what a provider is somebody who sacrifices on behalf of the people that he loves and that's

00:42:13.860 what you're doing right now bro if order a man went under business out of business and i couldn't 0.59

00:42:18.900 find another job i would go flip fucking burgers at mcdonald's if i had to to put a roof over my 0.95

00:42:24.260 head and my kids's head and put food on their table i would do that and i i wouldn't it wouldn't 0.98

00:42:29.800 be a permanent situation but i would do that and i would be proud about it i would be proud i'd be

00:42:37.380 like i don't this is this is work that's quote unquote beneath me and i'm still doing it because

00:42:42.480 i'm the provider for my children you have nothing to be ashamed about when you do work that you

00:42:49.240 consider beneath you because you're sacrificing on behalf of the people that you love hold your

00:42:55.780 head up high, bro. Be proud. Now, do work to find a better position or elevate you within the company

00:43:04.160 that you're with, but you don't need to. This world will just like, especially in social media,

00:43:11.340 will chew you up and be like, oh, you're flipping burgers. You're damn right I'm flipping burgers.

00:43:15.720 I didn't take welfare. I didn't take government handouts. I didn't ask for random strangers on a 0.93

00:43:22.480 GoFundMe account. I fucking went to work and I flipped burgers so I could make rent this month. 0.98

00:43:28.880 You should be proud about that, not discouraged about it. And then go to work on building up 0.98

00:43:34.440 your resume, building up your skillset, keep putting your applications out there,

00:43:39.340 keep doing interviews, but do what a man does, which is sacrifice for the people that he loves

00:43:44.460 and cares about. Amen. Yeah. The phrase that comes to mind is you're not defined by your

00:43:51.140 circumstances, you're defined by how you show up in spite of them. So how you show up in the

00:43:58.940 circumstance, man, that's everything. And guess what? Maybe this is Dylan reality moment, right?

00:44:06.720 The market says that you were probably maybe being overpaid. Maybe not. I don't know. But it is what

00:44:13.620 it is. So what are you going to do about it? But that doesn't define you. That just means that,

00:44:18.180 how's this you know what this means it means that you're making less than you made before

00:44:24.760 that's what it means that's it that's all the other stuff that you've added meaning to

00:44:29.960 that's all just made up the truth is you're making less than you did before

00:44:37.040 why figure that out temporarily by the way yeah yeah i got a guy so i'm in southern utah i've got

00:44:47.180 a guy who I went to Iraq with and he and his family own, I don't even know, probably a dozen

00:44:56.300 or two, two dozen McDonald's franchises here in Southern Utah. If I was out of work and I couldn't

00:45:04.760 find a job, I would call him humbly and I would say, Hey, I need a job. Can I come work the

00:45:13.480 registers? And he would say yes. And I would also tell him, hey, I just want you to know,

00:45:20.120 I want to run this store in the next four months.

00:45:25.540 So I'm all in. Like I will, I will be here on time. I will work late. I will put in extra hours.

00:45:33.640 I will teach everything I know to, to the team. I will be a team player. I will follow the system.

00:45:39.460 if there's opportunities for me to go to any training or to jump on mcdonald's calls that

00:45:44.560 you guys do i'll do it all i'll do everything whatever and i'd run that store in six months

00:45:51.280 and maybe i would or maybe i wouldn't maybe i'd go find another job or whatever else but you're

00:45:58.380 damn right that i will do everything i can to be the best employee that mcdonald's has ever seen

00:46:03.440 and i would have no shame in that at all yeah none yeah keep your head up colton absolutely 0.94

00:46:10.980 it's tough right like it is tough you know it's easy for us to say oh man just change your attitude

00:46:15.320 like most men would feel how you're feeling right i would too not that it that is ideal

00:46:21.160 but take action i would still feel that way too but i'd still get after it yeah yeah you can you

00:46:28.340 can do it all right you lost your job you know what here's i'll say one other thing to colton

00:46:32.280 i don't know how i don't know how old colton is i'm 45 maybe he's younger maybe he's older i don't

00:46:39.760 i don't know how old he is it's gonna be okay man like if you're younger let's say you're 25 30 years

00:46:48.060 old i promise you in 15 years you're gonna look back and say you know what i'm so grateful that

00:46:55.420 happened this doesn't feel like it but you will if you do the right things if you just cry and 0.69

00:47:01.060 bitch and moan and complain then you'll always be resentful but if you do the right things you'll

00:47:05.700 start looking back and saying oh thank god literally thank god that happened because look 0.98

00:47:12.220 where i am now yeah yeah all right micah sorenson quick question what's a piece of the manosphere

00:47:22.760 advice you actively disagree with oh this is easy that women are the enemy 0.97

00:47:28.600 like that's such a ridiculous thought like how could you ever consider a woman who you can 0.91

00:47:38.620 partner with and fit with literally and figuratively to bring a child into the world 0.94

00:47:45.540 to raise them in righteousness to help soften some of your edges to help toughen her up to 1.00

00:47:51.600 some degree and think this is an evil institution this is an evil design i hate that shit man now 1.00

00:47:59.420 look there's evil women there's damaged women the same as there's evil men and damaged men of course 1.00

00:48:07.220 but they're not the enemy they're they're an ally and your job is to become

00:48:14.020 a strong enough man a good enough man a capable enough man that you attract the type of woman

00:48:22.180 who will be a good partner for you i had this experience again i'm in the i'm in the in the

00:48:27.040 dating scene which is so weird at 45 but i had this experience and um several months ago i asked

00:48:33.480 this woman on a date and and i said hey would you like to go out this day and she said um

00:48:38.840 she says no she didn't even say no she said are you available these other two days

00:48:44.360 and i said no i'm not and i didn't explain i don't need to explain myself to a stranger i said no i'm

00:48:52.720 not available those two those two days but if that day doesn't work for you i can go out with

00:48:57.140 you next week and i never and i didn't hear back from her but i didn't chase her around like i

00:49:03.480 I don't, I'm not going to chase somebody around. And so she messaged me several days later and she

00:49:09.980 said, well, I date, this is what she said. She said, I date a lot. And if I'm low on your list,

00:49:16.200 then please just tell me now and I can just bow out. And that's a shit test. 0.99

00:49:25.980 Like she's poking and prodding. I don't know if she dates a lot or doesn't, but that's a way for 1.00

00:49:31.380 her to rub it in to say she's the catch. And so I messaged her back and I said, Hey, I asked you

00:49:37.120 out that day. You didn't say yes or no. You asked me if there was another day you could go out.

00:49:42.760 You didn't answer me back. I said, I can take you out early next week. You didn't answer me back.

00:49:48.880 So yeah, you're low on my list. You don't respond. You don't answer me back.

00:49:55.080 So it sounds like the timing's off. I wish you the best.

00:49:58.720 and what the reason I bring that up is because it speaks to worth right and that's that's what

00:50:06.660 you need to know is that there's a level of worth to you that you don't need to chase people around

00:50:12.960 you don't need to acquiesce to every person's whim and desire you don't need to play every person's

00:50:19.580 game that they require or request of you like go out make yourself who you need to make yourself

00:50:25.800 to be. Just live your life. Be bold. Create options. And the more you do, I think the less

00:50:34.080 likely you are to get sucked into things that aren't going to serve you well. Yeah. All right.

00:50:39.000 Elliot Marsh, tough situation here. He says, my dad is in the early stages of dementia.

00:50:44.840 In some days, he doesn't know who I am. I spent years wanting his approval, and now I'm not sure

00:50:51.620 I'll get closure on that. And the question just changed. How do you make peace with a relationship

00:50:58.860 that's ending before the grief even starts? How do you make ends? I thought the question was like,

00:51:07.320 how do I deal with my dad having dementia, not knowing me, not, I have an incomplete,

00:51:12.240 unresolved relationship with my father um a contract works both ways

00:51:22.680 one one party's supposed to uphold their end and then the other party's supposed to uphold

00:51:31.280 their end independently by the way like i don't only uphold my end because kip if you and i

00:51:37.460 entered into agreement let's say dependent on me no it's not because i made the agreement so

00:51:42.220 So, for example, if I said I'm going to pay you X dollars a month to help me do this podcast, like it isn't dependent immediately in the immediacy.

00:51:55.500 It isn't dependent on whether or not you show up necessarily or how you how you show up is probably a better way to say it.

00:52:01.940 I said I would pay you this amount of money a month.

00:52:05.420 Now, I'm going to evaluate and say, is it worth me continuing to pay this amount of month based on your performance?

00:52:10.740 and if the answer is no then we'll renegotiate the contract um but my word is my word like if

00:52:18.780 i said i'm gonna do this thing i'm gonna do this thing and it doesn't really matter about how you

00:52:22.520 show up now if you break the contract early enough i say to you hey i'll pay you this amount of money

00:52:27.700 per month if you show up and you don't show up then i don't owe you anything you made that decision

00:52:32.640 independent of our agreement so therefore i get to change my the way i'm not even changing it's

00:52:39.560 just you didn't meet the agreement, so I'm not paying you. And so the way that this applies to

00:52:45.060 your father is there's an agreement there in some ways, but there's also what we call a covert

00:52:52.920 contract. And the covert contract that you have in place right now says your dad was supposed to

00:52:59.740 show up this way. He was supposed to call me. He was supposed to be there on my birthday. He was

00:53:06.060 supposed to visit the grandkids for Christmas, but he had no idea. So you know what that is?

00:53:14.140 Not a contract. How can a person enter into a contract if they're incapable of entering into

00:53:21.040 a contract? Kip, if I had a contract between you and I, I was like, here's all the things I want

00:53:26.440 kid to do. Signed it, notarized it, but you didn't see it. Like, is that really a contract? No,

00:53:37.800 it's not. That's what you're doing right now. He didn't see it. So here's the beauty of it.

00:53:42.560 It's hard. It's really hard. But here's the beauty of it. Because he never entered into

00:53:48.360 the contract, you can cancel the contract anytime you want. You just have to make that decision.

00:53:56.440 and so you might say to yourself well i wanted him to show up for my birthday but he never did

00:54:02.640 okay he didn't owe that to you didn't talk to him about that he didn't owe that to you

00:54:07.580 should he have done it yeah did he no so he didn't do it so cancel the contract well he was supposed

00:54:17.260 to call my grandkids and be involved in their life and all these things well did he know that

00:54:22.520 no because you didn't talk to him about it okay cancel the contract he didn't do it cancel it

00:54:27.480 right now cancel it and give him some grace man because it's not so much about him it's about you

00:54:34.720 i didn't find the grace that my father deserved until after he died i started really analyzing

00:54:41.800 the way he showed up and the way that he didn't and what he did and what he didn't do and i'm like

00:54:46.400 you know, given his, given his circumstances, I probably would have done the same thing.

00:54:56.380 And so I'm going to go ahead and cancel that contract with my father that I had. I'm going

00:55:00.660 to go ahead and cancel that one. And I'm just going to now at this point be charitable

00:55:05.480 and the charitable, the charity that I have for my father is grace. It's forgiveness. I talked to

00:55:14.020 him occasionally, like, hey, dad, oof, might get emotional.

00:55:26.220 I might say, like, really wish you were here for Brecken's first college game.

00:55:39.380 That'd be cool.

00:55:41.760 But he's not.

00:55:44.020 And so it's like I talk to him.

00:55:46.600 I don't have a contract with him anymore.

00:55:50.360 I just talk to him, afford him some grace,

00:55:53.940 look at it through my own lens where I've messed up.

00:55:57.200 That's what I do.

00:56:02.020 Elliot, you put on the, towards the end of the question, right?

00:56:05.800 Make peace with a relationship that's ended before the grief even starts.

00:56:11.040 what i'm about to say i would suggest is to make peace with the relationship period so yeah what

00:56:20.080 i want to say has nothing to do with whether they're alive or not so don't think you know

00:56:26.180 guys listening don't think like oh well my dad already passed away so it's too late no no no

00:56:29.800 but but hear me out here first off give me a scenario where seeking someone's approval

00:56:38.540 actually gives you their approval.

00:56:43.300 Rarely. 1.00

00:56:45.720 You go seeking the approval of women 1.00

00:56:48.160 and you're beholden to their approval of you, 1.00

00:56:52.240 they don't respect you.

00:56:56.020 Because you're so, you lack the security,

00:56:59.520 the self-approval, right?

00:57:02.380 It won't work.

00:57:04.300 So now don't get me wrong.

00:57:06.460 I see it as the byproduct of doing it for yourself.

00:57:12.680 So Elliot, you want your dad's approval?

00:57:15.800 Get your approval first.

00:57:18.980 Be the man that you're in alignment with,

00:57:23.040 that you're a man of integrity.

00:57:25.000 Feel great about yourself, period.

00:57:28.220 And maybe dad will see that and maybe he won't,

00:57:31.640 but it doesn't matter.

00:57:33.060 You see it.

00:57:33.780 and and that's that's what a man does as boys absolutely young men right we're seeking the

00:57:41.660 approval of our fathers and then we get to a point where we realize who's dad just another man 0.84

00:57:48.480 a failed man with struggles of his own with his own garbage with his own mistakes with his own

00:57:56.540 regrets yeah and we need to see our dads that way why so we can give them some grace 0.95

00:58:02.880 and how fair is that i've been in relationships where someone was adamant about seeking my

00:58:11.500 approval i didn't want that i don't want the weight of someone's

00:58:17.680 value of how they show up in the world is based upon how i see them day in and day out are you

00:58:25.360 kidding that's unfair to me i don't want that burden that's their job right so don't put that

00:58:32.640 on someone else that's your responsibility that is for you to own and and be an honorable man why

00:58:39.840 because you are and in most cases i believe our fathers will see that because why you're stepping

00:58:46.600 into manhood that's why and he'll see what kind of man you're becoming and also when he sees it

00:58:55.300 it won't really matter you don't need it yeah i don't need i don't need my dad to say you're

00:59:02.480 man i know i am yeah yeah i know i'm raising my kids i know i'm doing what i can to build my

00:59:07.860 business i know i'm doing what i can to help other people when they need help i know i'm

00:59:12.720 being righteous and trying to make good decisions i don't need him to tell me that anymore i already

00:59:17.380 know that and now if he says hey ryan i'm really proud of you thanks dad that means a lot to me

00:59:22.380 and also i don't need any of that yeah yeah absolutely and and by the way one more thing i

00:59:31.500 want to say if something's unresolved in the contract let's use that term own your part of

00:59:38.840 the contract why because you said you would to you it's the only reason so do your part regardless

00:59:46.000 of what they're doing and that's how you get complete with things by the way guys that's how

00:59:50.600 you resolve that's how you get complete with a broken marriage that's how you get complete with

00:59:55.700 a broken relationship with your dad is you identify where your shortcomings were and

01:00:01.920 you clean up your part and that allows you to walk away from it being complete with yourself

01:00:09.220 and and now you're in integrity right and that's really what it comes down to but if your integrity

01:00:17.020 is based upon what other people do that then you're going to find yourself waiting and hoping

01:00:22.000 for them to show up differently and it may never happen it probably won't ever happen actually not

01:00:29.080 just it may not it probably won't you know i remember kip we've had we've had a couple of um

01:00:35.340 i don't like miscommunications or things that i've done i'm like i should have done that i

01:00:41.360 kind of dropped the ball and then i reached out like i'm quick to apologize and i and i'm sincere

01:00:46.340 about it you know and i'm like hey dude i i shouldn't have done that like that was not cool

01:00:50.960 of me or whatever. Like we've had a handful of experiences like that. It's usually me apologizing

01:00:55.460 to you mostly because you're more stubborn than I am. You have a lot to apologize for.

01:01:02.540 Ryan's still waiting. Yeah. I'm like, hint, hint. No, I'm just kidding. Um,

01:01:06.640 but it doesn't really matter what you say. Like, it doesn't really matter to me. I mean,

01:01:12.600 I would love for you to say, Hey, I accept your apology. Thank you. Like let's drive on. That's

01:01:16.160 what I'm hoping for. But if you're like, no, I think you're an asshole. I don't accept it. 1.00

01:01:20.960 okay what more can i do like i said i'm sorry i meant it i'm trying to make amends i try to

01:01:28.780 change behavior and if you won't accept it that's no longer on me you can take that up with god

01:01:34.140 i'm gonna take up my issues with god and my issue was that i messed up i recognized it i tried to

01:01:40.180 make amends and i apologized out of my hands now and you'll feel great whenever i've done that i

01:01:48.240 feel so much better oh it's so like i it goes back to matt matucci's question around alignment i just

01:01:54.560 feel aligned now it's hard to do back to our original conversation that's not an easy conversation

01:02:00.840 to require some courage but you'll feel better yeah do you have time for one more yeah let's do

01:02:07.240 it okay um hunter blackwood what's your actual take on hunting as a tool for building men versus

01:02:16.160 just a hobby guys attach meaning to to affect to the after the fact i don't understand let me read

01:02:23.860 it one more time maybe i read that wrong what's your actual take on hunting as a tool for building

01:02:28.260 men versus just a hobby guys attach meaning to after the fact well it's not just hunting it's

01:02:39.940 any activity any act you i could i could pull out elements of this conversation and i can apply it

01:02:48.700 to my life in a meaningful way i can go train jujitsu and i can pull out elements of my life

01:02:54.800 in meaningful ways that'll that'll help other areas i can extract a conversation i had with

01:03:00.240 with a woman or with my kids or with a client and i could pull out elements of it to make my life

01:03:06.860 better um really my take is whatever you're going to do do it all the way doesn't need to be

01:03:16.660 permanent right but if you're going to do it do it right i i had this i'll just say i had this

01:03:23.520 person in my life i'll say it that way that we would all play like card games when i was married

01:03:30.920 card games was big like we played a lot of card games we had fun and family times and things like

01:03:35.700 that and there was a person go fish mostly is that what you guys are playing go fish totally

01:03:40.460 because that was like my level everybody else could have gone like pinochle or whatever and

01:03:44.420 i'm like i only know how to play goldfish and that's all i know how to play yeah exactly no

01:03:51.580 phase 10 was like way above my pay grade yeah yeah it's like a high school graduate yeah and

01:03:57.820 i'm like wait every hand is different i don't understand i'm confused what do you mean sequence

01:04:03.580 of numbers i don't even understand like i have to count to 10 do you have an eight yes that's

01:04:11.500 my level right there eight is bigger than nine okay i lose that's my level anyways this person

01:04:20.000 in my life and it was not my ex it was somebody else um was the most horrible card player of all

01:04:27.700 time like the most horrible what do you mean horrible like didn't follow the rules or was

01:04:32.680 just bad at the game bad at the game and most importantly didn't care just didn't care it's

01:04:39.580 like i'm just here for fun it's like well that's cool for you but everybody else is trying to play

01:04:46.520 and my ex-mother-in-law and i were super competitive with each other like

01:04:52.500 never vocalized but like i love to beat her and she loved to beat me the super competitive drive

01:04:59.680 between us unspoken i love that which i think it was fun i i enjoyed it and i know she did too

01:05:04.660 um but yeah one person just like i just i'm here to play and have fun i'm like we're all trying to

01:05:12.820 win and what was frustrating to me is like if you're gonna do it do it do it right

01:05:20.580 right like the the goal of a card game is not fun the goal of a card game is winning

01:05:29.440 and winning is what makes it fun losing it is what makes it not fun which then causes us to

01:05:38.040 get better at it and learn and use strategy so we can win i don't understand why people don't

01:05:44.860 grasp this concept the reason i bring this up is because whatever you're going to do

01:05:49.840 Just decide that this is going to be a good learning opportunity for me.

01:05:53.700 So to tie it back into hunting, yeah, go have hunting for fun.

01:05:58.080 Sure, go put food on the table.

01:06:00.540 Absolutely.

01:06:01.300 And also approach it with the seriousness that it deserves.

01:06:04.500 You're taking another life, an animal's life, but sure, a life.

01:06:08.740 You're impacting the environment when you do that.

01:06:15.460 Like you're tapping into the circle of life.

01:06:17.700 these are all reverent things so take it with the seriousness it deserves actually kip to pay you a

01:06:23.960 compliment this is one thing you're really good at i should say the one thing that you're really

01:06:30.780 good at though everything else yeah no this is this is actually one thing you're really good at

01:06:36.240 like i want dude i watch the way you interact with the world you're not you don't go to jujitsu for

01:06:42.660 fun. Now it is fun, I think for you, but you go to learn, to grow, to get better, to develop,

01:06:50.860 to develop a skillset, to match whatever you're learning with other ways that it might apply in

01:06:55.240 other aspects of your life. And a couple of years ago, when you started picking up bow hunting

01:06:59.800 and you came out to Hawaii, I saw you, you'd go out early in the morning and you'd sling a couple

01:07:05.740 of arrows. And it wasn't just like, eh, just throw a couple of arrows down range. It was like, no,

01:07:09.320 I'm going to hide behind this tree and I'm going to get on my knees and I'm going to reach around

01:07:14.680 the tree because that might be a shot I'll actually take. And I'm going to dial it in and I'm going to

01:07:20.420 make the best of this situation, which is why the last several hunts that you and I have been on,

01:07:25.440 you're successful. And then people will ask, well, how come I'm not successful? Because you don't

01:07:30.880 take it with the level of seriousness that it deserves. And the people who do, whether it's

01:07:37.840 hunting or jujitsu or underwater basket weaving are the people who get the most out of the

01:07:43.720 experience. So my job is to milk every single little bit of information and feedback and insight

01:07:52.480 and ideas and analogies that I can out of this conversation. I went skydiving last year. I didn't

01:07:59.140 go just to have fun. It was terrifying. I'll probably never do it again. But when I went up

01:08:05.520 there I told the instructor I said hey I'm never gonna do this again he's like why not I'm like

01:08:09.740 because it's terrifying why would I stand over this desert of rocks knowing that my parachute

01:08:16.520 might not open and then do it anyways why would I do that he's like it's fun I'm like I'm not here

01:08:21.420 for fun I'm here for development and so he's like all right well what do you want to do then I said

01:08:27.100 I want to do somersaults I want to do barrel rolls when I jump off this thing and he's like

01:08:33.440 you do? I'm like, yeah. He's like, have you ever done this before? I'm like, no, this is the one

01:08:37.120 and only time I will do this. So I want to do somersaults. He's like, all right, here's what

01:08:42.660 you do. I'm like, well, how do I know? He's like, just count to three. Just do like, I'm like, what

01:08:46.680 do I do? He's like, just do a somersault out of the, out of the thing. I'm like, all right. So

01:08:52.140 that's what I did. And we get to the bottom, like how many somersaults or whatever did I do? He's

01:08:56.740 like, you did three. That was awesome. Like that was awesome. And also he said, you're going to go

01:09:02.700 again? I'm like, no, I already told you I'm not going. That's why we did summer salts.

01:09:09.100 Like make the most out of everything. Just squeeze every inch of possibility that you

01:09:14.560 can at everything. That's my philosophy. I love it, man. I love it. I remember I'll share a quick

01:09:23.360 little story. I remember I had an employee. He came to me. It was, it was, it was kind of like

01:09:30.100 a one-on-one meeting and i'm like how's how's how you like in the job how's things going he's like

01:09:36.060 oh it's great i just need more challenge i i feel like i haven't mastered and i'm seasoned in this

01:09:44.920 space and if i had to put him on a scale of one to ten he's like a four and i'm having a meeting

01:09:51.060 with him and he's saying i got it all and i'm like what yeah i was almost set back i'm like you 0.98

01:09:58.420 arrogant prick, right? You have no idea, but it was fascinating because he wasn't seeing the other 0.94

01:10:06.440 things for him to learn. Cause he's being told he wanted to be told what to learn.

01:10:13.660 And so he was thinking, Oh, I got it. Cause I, I don't have someone telling me to learn X next

01:10:19.300 thing. I'm like fascinating how he has put this lid on the jar of his growth. Cause he stopped

01:10:28.220 being curious and stopped pushing. And he was waiting to be told what to learn. And man, I see

01:10:38.380 this all the time and I've experienced this in my life. You know, I've never written, I've probably

01:10:43.280 written hundreds, hundreds and hundreds of statements of work or proposals, right? Where I

01:10:50.300 build up a scope for a client. Probably the most boring thing that you ever do as a consultant is

01:10:55.820 is building a statement of work to give to the client to sign off on, you know, with a dollar

01:11:01.040 amount on the last page that usually freaks everybody out. You know, I've never kept that

01:11:07.120 template the same ever, never. I have never used the exact same template. Every time I've ever

01:11:16.380 written a proposal, the next proposal has always been a better version of the previous proposal

01:11:22.740 always and in fact i wrote a proposal yesterday for a big contract and guess what that's the

01:11:30.920 best proposal i have ever written my entire life why i could have easily used hundreds of copies

01:11:37.080 that i've done before because i want to make it a better version because i wanted to make it amazing

01:11:44.000 because I cared so like it's an attitude more than it is anything else oh I like that it's an

01:11:52.800 attitude I like that I remember the first time I ever went and trained jujitsu I showed up and

01:12:02.640 I can't we did a little bit of like instructional training and then they moved pretty quickly that

01:12:07.720 night to open mats. And my, my instructor was like here, um, training against this guy. And

01:12:16.800 he was like, he's like a buck 40. And he's like a nerd and had this curly hair. And I'm like,

01:12:23.960 okay, training in this game. And I'm like, got like 60 pounds on the guy. And I'm like, okay,

01:12:31.440 well, what do you want me to do? And he's like, just try not to get submitted. I'm like, yeah,

01:12:34.400 okay i'll try thanks coach easy and this guy had me in a headlock within 20 seconds

01:12:41.740 head triangle not a headlock a head triangle yeah like a head and arm a leg a leg yeah head

01:12:50.340 and arm like a leg oh it was a leg triangle is what it was a leg okay yeah yeah and it wasn't

01:12:55.980 like yeah it wasn't uh it wasn't yeah that's correct it was a it was a leg triangle and i was

01:13:01.280 like what the heck just happened and so i got humbled really quick and then matt errington

01:13:06.640 who's just you know matt he's a beast of a human being he's what six four probably a good a good

01:13:12.740 230 240 at least i would say lean but he's and a lean 240 but he's lean and fit like he's a big

01:13:19.740 dude and he's the guy who got me into jujitsu he's like here come train with us i'm like okay

01:13:24.880 so and he was a brown belt at the time and i think he'd been training for maybe seven or eight

01:13:31.020 years and and he's like all right like come train with me so i wouldn't train with him and

01:13:35.480 um he got me in an omoplata which i didn't know what that was at the time other than it hurt 0.98

01:13:41.820 and it was advanced and the coach the instructor is like dude you're a jerk to matt he's like you're 0.98

01:13:48.520 a jerk he's like don't do that to him he's brand new and matt i remember i'll never forget what 0.99

01:13:54.400 matt said he's like no no no like you don't know like he would appreciate that and i actually did 0.99

01:13:58.840 like i did appreciate it and i got me like it was brutal but it got me thinking like what is this

01:14:06.360 magic art like what is this thing and i put it wizardly yeah yeah and i loved it and i'd still

01:14:15.160 love it and i think that's the attitude that you need to have is this humble heart and this idea

01:14:21.080 of like going into whatever you do to nth degree and like telling people don't take it easy on me

01:14:26.280 like teach me, like guide me, instruct me, help me learn. Don't, don't be, don't throw softballs

01:14:32.500 at me. Let's go. Like, I want to do this for real. And like you said, the attitude is what

01:14:37.540 makes the difference. It's always the attitude. I love stuff like that. Yeah. And it's the attitude

01:14:45.000 of humility, right? Maybe that's our mantra for the call, right? I think of Matt Matucci's

01:14:49.860 question around being authentic and not being overly concerned about what people think. And

01:14:55.200 And sometimes we just need to be a little bit more humble, you know, and even in the resolving a conflict issue with our fathers to do that, you need to be humble to have grace.

01:15:08.240 There's this level of humility that's required on your part, you know, and maybe we care a little, a little too much about how we look and, and need to let that ego go.

01:15:21.660 I would agree.

01:15:23.480 Yeah.

01:15:24.020 Awesome, man.

01:15:24.520 all right man call the action yeah call the action today yeah preview call so to sign up

01:15:32.140 or register for the preview call go to the iron council.com slash preview preview call is going

01:15:37.260 to be on july 15th at 8 p.m eastern time which is this is where tonight so just want to put that

01:15:44.560 oh that that is correct tonight tonight at 8 p.m so join us tonight uh the iron council.com

01:15:51.620 slash preview. And we pull back the curtains and talk all things Iron Council. So if you've

01:15:57.520 been on the fence, you're not quite sure what it's about, come prepare to join us with some

01:16:01.820 questions and learn more about what we're doing. That's it. I would love to have you guys join.

01:16:08.840 There's a lot of guys that I've talked with when they join. A lot of the times what they'll say is,

01:16:12.980 oh man, I wish I would have joined sooner. Yeah, I know. Because I wish I would have done something

01:16:17.860 like this, or even had something like this available sooner. I can't imagine where my

01:16:22.340 life would be. I just released, uh, six testimonial videos from guys who came out

01:16:27.900 to the forge and the stories behind what they're saying about, you know, Jay Larry, who has overcome

01:16:34.240 alcohol abuse and, um, and Joe Marino, who has, I mean, just leaned out and he's, he had surgery,

01:16:43.740 but he's running half marathons now and he he's it's funny because i always tease him he shows up

01:16:48.460 to our uh iron council calls with his shirt off because he's proud of what he's been able to do

01:16:53.880 over the past six months and so i tease him about it and i'm like no dude like cut every time come

01:17:00.540 with your shirt off because you got pecs and you got abs and you got biceps rock it man like show

01:17:05.860 it off but the guys are just doing incredible things and i love i love to see the growth in

01:17:10.880 these guys. I love to see what they're doing. And I want that for every man who might be interested

01:17:14.560 in joining us. So check it out again, the iron council.com slash preview tonight at 8 PM Eastern

01:17:20.840 time. We'd love to see as many of you as possible. Anything else, Kip? And if, well, I was just going

01:17:26.440 to say, if you can't make the preview call, go to that URL anyway, and you can watch these

01:17:30.940 testimonial videos, right. For some insights around, you know, the changes that the iron

01:17:35.620 counsels made in men's lives. And then just to wrap up to, you know, follow, you know,

01:17:40.540 connect with Mickler online on X and Instagram at Ryan Mickler, as always.

01:17:45.420 Excellent. Well, guys, great questions today. Hopefully we gave you some good answers or at

01:17:49.440 least something to consider or argue with us on Facebook about, and we'll keep getting after it.

01:17:56.020 I'll be back on Friday. Until then, go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.

01:18:01.680 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

01:18:04.700 If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be,

01:18:08.720 we invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - July 15, 2026

Losing Your Job, Raising a Step-Son, and Making Payroll ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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