Order of Man - Maintain Your Frame as a Man

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.240 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.

00:00:27.800 I am the host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here and welcome

00:00:33.120 back. I've been looking at our download numbers over the past three weeks or so, and I've been

00:00:40.220 happy to report that our podcast download numbers are up over the past timeframe, but today I have

00:00:46.380 to announce that our podcast download numbers are down, and there's a reason for that. The reason

00:00:51.860 for that is because it's being throttled. All right, guys, our accounts, our podcast,

00:00:57.400 our social media channels, they're all being throttled. So it's an indicator that we're on

00:01:03.020 the right path. I don't like to paint myself as a victim or play the victim card at all, but

00:01:09.460 what I am telling you is the reality of the situation is that Instagram is limiting our account.

00:01:15.060 YouTube is throttling our accounts. Now it appears that the Apple podcasts are limiting our reach

00:01:24.700 and availability because I've seen a sharp and drastic decrease in the number of people who are

00:01:32.260 apparently listening to our podcast. And it's not coincidence that all this stuff is happening

00:01:36.540 together. So this is not about playing the victim. This is not about even necessarily complaining.

00:01:41.740 It's about coming up with a plan to make sure that we overcome this and we will overcome this,

00:01:47.140 but I need you to share the shit out of what we're doing here. It's as simple as that.

00:01:51.080 I need you guys to share. I need you guys to comment. I need you guys to post. I need to

00:01:54.920 take screenshots. I need you to tag me if you can. Instagram won't let you guys tag me.

00:02:01.220 It's infuriating at this point. And again, I'm not here to complain and gripe and bitch and moan

00:02:06.000 because what we've been able to do over the past six years has been pretty incredible,

00:02:09.260 but I think we're on their radar. And when I say they, I'm talking about our social media

00:02:15.000 overlords who would love nothing more than for us to toe the line, do what we're told,

00:02:20.180 sit down, shut up, color within the lines and be the good little boys that they would have us be.

00:02:25.980 I'm not interested in that. You're not interested in that. So I need to ask for your help.

00:02:31.780 I need to enlist you guys. I hope that you've been getting value over the past six years or

00:02:35.840 however long you've been connected to what we're doing here. But I need you to help. So step up,

00:02:40.920 help, share, comment, post, talk about it. Tag me if you can subscribe, download, leave ratings and

00:02:47.920 reviews. You guys all know how to do it. Yeah. It's going to take a little time on your part,

00:02:51.840 but like I said, I've been adding value hopefully to your life for the past six years. So please

00:02:56.940 ante up as well. You know, I've put, I put the ante up on my end. I'm asking you guys to put the

00:03:03.060 ante up on your end and it doesn't take very much or very many resources on your part. Just

00:03:08.760 takes a few minutes to do whatever you can do to share what we're doing here. Okay. And with that

00:03:13.980 said, let's get into the meat of the discussion today. I'm going to be talking about maintaining

00:03:19.340 our frame because it's very important that we maintain our frame. And I've seen a lot of guys

00:03:25.080 break down and completely undermine their own ability to perform and their own ability to influence

00:03:31.500 other people and to get what it is they want and to produce results for other people in their lives.

00:03:35.520 Now I've been thinking about this concept as it comes in, in some lessons that I've learned in

00:03:42.740 jujitsu. And so there's this concept of framing in jujitsu and basically a frame is essentially

00:03:49.520 different moves, different things that you can do to keep your opponent from advancing their

00:03:55.540 position. So for example, a frame in jujitsu might be that somebody has mounted you and they're going

00:04:04.440 to try to move up and up and up to try to incapacitate you to some degree. And your job is to

00:04:12.240 maintain your frame. That might be with your arms and your forearm. That could be with keeping a knee

00:04:18.720 between you and your opponent, something between you and your opponent so that you don't completely

00:04:24.760 crumble, break down, they advance their position and then they have the advantage.

00:04:30.540 So this also applies to real life. And we as men need to maintain our frames because as I said a

00:04:38.260 second ago, I've seen so many men crumble and break down and let people manipulate them and get taken

00:04:45.580 advantage of. They don't even know what's happening. They have no insight into what's happening. And it

00:04:51.000 causes some fallout, some real problems for these individuals. If you are the kind of guy who lets

00:04:58.860 people walk all over you, step all over you, is constantly apologizing, you feel like you're the

00:05:06.220 nice guy, as Robert Glover would say in his book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, then it might be that you're

00:05:13.160 losing your frame. And you need to find a way to maintain that frame, to maintain who you are as a

00:05:21.300 man, to keep your position as a man, and then to have the authority and ultimate influence over other

00:05:28.140 individuals who you would like to serve. And that is an important distinction and an important word that

00:05:36.360 I used right there. I said, to serve. Guys, this is not about manipulating people. This is not about

00:05:42.240 coercing people. This is not about getting people to do exclusively what you want them to do. This is

00:05:49.020 about serving others. And who are those other people? It's your sons. It's your daughters. It's

00:05:54.900 your wife. It's your clients. It's your employees. But you need to maintain and establish some boundaries.

00:06:00.440 And you need to make sure that your frame is where it needs to be so that people can't take advantage

00:06:06.920 of you. And you have positioned yourself for ultimate success. Financial success, physical,

00:06:16.120 health success, success in your relationship, success in all of your endeavors. So I've identified

00:06:23.360 seven points that I wanted to share with you today that will help you maintain your frame. And

00:06:29.220 ultimately, more importantly than that, will help you, A, feel more like a man. And that's what we

00:06:36.060 want. We want to feel like a man. John Eldridge, in his book, Wild at Heart, says that all men are

00:06:44.140 attempting to answer the question, do I have what it takes? And a critical component of this is your

00:06:50.600 ability to maintain frame, your position, your status, your influence, your authority, your credibility

00:06:57.940 with other people. If that crumbles at the slightest sign of adversity, then people are going to look at

00:07:02.820 you less favorably. And you're going to feel uncomfortable or inadequate. And you will not be

00:07:08.040 able to answer the question in the affirmative, do I have what it takes? So let's break this down.

00:07:13.900 Number one, know that people are going to work against you. Know that people are going to work

00:07:23.140 against you. Some of this is deliberate and intentional, and some of it is subconscious.

00:07:31.100 Some of it is that there's just conflicting goals and desires and ambitions. So this isn't always

00:07:37.580 devious. It's not always deceitful. It's not always that people are out to get you, but know that people

00:07:43.360 are going to, at times, work against you. Your children, let me give you an example. Your children

00:07:48.960 are going to work against you. My son, my oldest son, he's 13 years old. And right now he's pushing

00:07:54.820 the buttons. He's testing. He's experimenting. He's seeing where the lines are. He's trying to gain

00:07:59.880 some authority over his own life, which actually is a healthy thing. But when it goes too far,

00:08:07.600 he's trying to actively work against me as his father, my wife as his mother, and the dynamic of the

00:08:15.480 family. It's not devious. It's not deceitful. In fact, it's completely natural. But the frame is

00:08:22.000 the father needs to be maintained. And so there's some work that I need to do. You might have a client,

00:08:28.120 for example, who thinks or misunderstands the relationship. You know, a lot of us have been

00:08:35.380 fed this line that the customer is always right. Well, that isn't true.

00:08:39.600 You know, if somebody hires me as a coach or a consultant, they're hiring me because they want

00:08:45.360 my expertise and my insight and my input. And if I just assume that that customer is always right,

00:08:53.040 am I going to be able to show up effectively as a coach for that individual? Well, no, probably not.

00:08:58.440 So is the customer always right? No. In fact, the customer is seldom right. Because if they were right

00:09:05.080 and knew everything about what you want to do, they wouldn't have to hire you in whatever capacity

00:09:10.060 to be able to assist them in what they need. When it comes to your employees, they have their own

00:09:20.360 personal goals and desires and ambitions. And in many cases, those align with yours. And in many cases,

00:09:28.220 they don't. And you do need to acknowledge when they do and do not align with you. And you need to

00:09:34.780 maintain that frame. And you need to understand that people are going to either A, intentionally

00:09:40.440 and deliberately work against you because they don't want you to succeed, or they're trying to

00:09:46.240 push you down and they want to get up, or they're going to subconsciously do it because their desire,

00:09:52.560 as in the case of my son, for example, their desire, which is completely natural and right,

00:09:58.040 doesn't necessarily align with yours. But you can't maintain your frame unless you know that people

00:10:05.540 are subconsciously, or even in some cases, intentionally working against you. The first

00:10:11.800 step is always acknowledgement, whether we're talking about maintaining our frame, or we're

00:10:16.420 talking about alcohol, alcoholics, anonymous, it's always to acknowledge that there's a problem,

00:10:23.700 that there's a conflict of interest here. So that's point number one. And point number two

00:10:28.940 is in alignment with this is that you have to evaluate what people are doing and why you need

00:10:35.820 to know their motives, you need to know their intentions, because if you know what it is,

00:10:40.460 then you can accurately assess what your plan of action is going to be moving forward. So let's go

00:10:44.960 back to the example with my son, my son, who's 13 years old, he's, he's a young man, he's got the

00:10:52.580 testosterone flowing and pumping and it's being being developed and he's acting on that completely

00:11:00.920 natural. In fact, I'm glad that's, that's what I want to see. I want to see him come into his own.

00:11:08.460 So his intention, whether he realizes it or not, is to test, right is to push and to test and see

00:11:16.580 where he falls in this weird dynamic of wanting to be an independent young man and still being my son

00:11:23.700 who needs to learn things. And what is his, his, his motive? Well, his motive, well, again, whether he

00:11:31.540 realizes it or not is to find out where he falls in, in the hierarchy of our relationship. He doesn't

00:11:40.520 understand it right now. And so he's testing and he's poking and he's prodding and he's seeing where he

00:11:45.800 falls and where he stands and how it's all going to work out completely natural. I can appreciate

00:11:50.600 that. And because I understand it for what it is a natural thing. In fact, a healthy thing, I can

00:11:57.780 approach it in a, in a, in a meaningful way, a productive way, and we can drive on now counter

00:12:05.800 that with, uh, let's say a peer at work who started around the same time you did, who's vying for the

00:12:15.340 same position that you are. Well, what is that individual's intent and motive? Their motive is

00:12:20.960 to get the promotion of a promotion or a new job opportunity comes available. Their motive is to

00:12:28.180 get that promotion. And that means that they're competing against you, right? Some people like

00:12:35.160 to say the things like, Oh, there's no competition. No, there's competition. If there's a job available

00:12:40.880 and there's you and one other guy or one other gal at work, who's vying for that position. I hope that

00:12:46.940 you're going to pursue that in a, in a noble way, in an honorable way, but let's not assume that

00:12:54.600 everybody's going to do it that way. And so they may be throwing you under the bus. They may be making

00:13:02.020 up lies about you. They may be manipulating you or a boss or whoever's doing the hiring.

00:13:10.580 You need to understand that you need to know the game. You need to know the rules of the game.

00:13:16.140 And although you may want to be honorable and noble and do it the right way, please understand

00:13:20.720 that not everybody's like that. And if you can understand that and recognize what people's motives

00:13:25.780 and intentions are, then you give yourselves more armor and more ammo to be able to do this thing,

00:13:31.500 the right way, and to be able to secure your interests and the things that you're after.

00:13:36.980 You don't want people to be able to advance their position on you again, maintain your frame,

00:13:42.080 but you have to know what people's motives and intentions are. And if you understand,

00:13:48.100 then you can create a better course of action, which I'm going to get to here shortly for moving

00:13:53.520 forward. So again, point number one is know that people are actively working against you,

00:13:58.540 whether they're doing it intentionally or subconsciously. And number two is you need

00:14:03.500 to evaluate what people's motives and intentions actually are. And when you do, you'll be able to

00:14:09.240 formulate a better course of action. Number three, you need to establish, communicate,

00:14:17.020 and uphold boundaries. There's three parts to that. Establish, communicate, and uphold boundaries.

00:14:24.040 Establishing the boundaries just means what I will and won't tolerate. Communicating the boundaries

00:14:30.160 means that I'm going to share with other people what I will and won't tolerate. And then maintaining

00:14:37.080 the boundaries is that if somebody does cross the line, that you fire the warning shot if needs be.

00:14:45.120 Hey, I won't be talked to that way. I won't be treated that way. Or if somebody does something

00:14:52.640 outside of the stated expectation, Hey, you failed to meet the standard or the expectation. Here's what

00:14:58.160 I expect moving forward. And if you can do that, great. We can continue our relationship. If you can't

00:15:04.160 do that or refuse to do that, then we're going to redefine our relationship. That's romantic

00:15:11.840 relationships. That's a client advisor relationship. That's an employee, an employer relationship,

00:15:17.560 but it's a three-part component. Again, establish what they are. What will you tolerate? And what will

00:15:24.600 you not? If we go back to jujitsu and somebody's in my mount, I'm not going to tolerate somebody

00:15:30.260 climbing my mount and getting me in a vulnerable position. That's not okay with me. Okay. So I need to

00:15:38.160 establish the boundary. I've thought about it in my mind. I don't want this person getting an

00:15:43.140 advantage over me. I need to communicate that. Now, when it comes to jujitsu, the way you

00:15:47.320 communicate it is actually move into the move, right? So how do you defend against this? Literally

00:15:52.180 framing with your arms or your knee or another part of your body to make sure there's separation

00:15:57.060 between you and that individual and upholding it is being a capable. And again, we're going back to

00:16:02.800 jujitsu being capable of actually defending against that advancement. But in your relationship,

00:16:09.860 it's talking with your wife and saying, Hey, you know what? You will not talk to me like that

00:16:14.080 because I've told you we're going to respect each other. We're going to communicate with each other

00:16:20.680 effectively. And right now you're not doing either. So we're going to disengage from this conversation

00:16:27.440 until you're ready to meet this expectation. That goes both ways, by the way. And my wife has told

00:16:33.760 me that, Hey, you're not going to talk to me like that. And every time she's ever said that, which isn't

00:16:38.300 a lot by the way, but every time she's ever said that I've honored that because I recognize, Oh, this

00:16:43.260 is her line in the sand. Got it. It's important to know. It's healthy to know, even in the most intimate

00:16:49.020 of relationships, same thing with a client. You know, if you've got an appointment, for example,

00:16:53.560 with a client at noon and that client shows up at 1210 and they say, Oh, you know, sorry,

00:16:58.900 I'm late. I had these things going on. And you say, Oh, it's okay. You know, I'm, is it okay?

00:17:02.880 No, it's not okay. That person doesn't respect your time. And so if it were my client, I would say,

00:17:10.700 look, I understand that you have things going on. I also have things going on. I have other clients.

00:17:17.580 I have other responsibilities and obligations. So I expect and ask that you make our meetings on time.

00:17:23.000 And since you're 10 minutes late, we have 10 minutes less to talk because we're done at one

00:17:28.320 o'clock. I'm not going to 110. I'm going to one if it's 1210 right now, there has to be some level

00:17:37.280 of accountability built into your boundaries. And if you're not upholding the boundaries, by the way,

00:17:46.340 guys, it doesn't mean that you're nice. It doesn't mean that you're being a nice guy.

00:17:51.340 It means most of the time in my experience is that you're being weak, that you're afraid.

00:18:00.300 And I get it. The first time you uphold a boundary is going to be very difficult.

00:18:03.900 The 10th time, the hundredth time, thousands time, the 10,000 time you've uphold a boundary.

00:18:08.740 It's not very difficult. And by the way, by establishing, communicating, and upholding the

00:18:14.900 boundaries frequently, you'll take care of a lot of these things on the front end.

00:18:18.620 When I was in my financial planning practice and I was meeting with clients, I told them,

00:18:24.200 hey, look, if we're going to work together, here's some expectations that I have of you.

00:18:29.160 Here's some expectations you can have of me. Do you have any expectations that I didn't hit on?

00:18:33.940 We need to establish this. We need to figure this out. And one of my expectations was that you show up

00:18:39.000 for appointments on time. If we have a meeting at 12, you show up at 12 or earlier, period,

00:18:44.580 end of story. And if you're not going to do that, then I'll wish you well, give you what you need.

00:18:51.160 And you're out on your journey because I got other people to work with. All right. Beating a dead

00:18:57.780 horse here. So that's number three, establish, communicate, uphold boundaries. Number four

00:19:03.380 is disengage when... So there's two different things you can do here. You can either defend or

00:19:10.260 disengage. Right? When people cross the boundaries, cross the line, you can do one of two things. You

00:19:15.700 can defend or disengage. And both are acceptable. You're not quitting if you disengage. Sometimes

00:19:22.980 defending is important because if you want to maintain a relationship with that individual,

00:19:27.100 then you might need to just defend the boundary. But if you aren't interested in that because they

00:19:31.900 continue to press and cross the line, then you need to disengage from that completely.

00:19:41.640 Look, we've had these conversations. We've talked about this. You continue to not show up on time.

00:19:47.560 It's clear to me that you don't respect my time. It's clear to me that the boundaries that we've

00:19:51.660 talked about and we've agreed to aren't important to you, but they are important to me. So at this point,

00:19:56.780 I'm going to go ahead and let you go on about your business, let you go on your way, do your thing.

00:20:04.320 Look, I'm even talking about leaving an employment. A lot of guys ask me like, when's the best time to

00:20:09.800 leave an employer? I'm not saying you need to be reckless. You should have things going on in the

00:20:14.380 background where your finances and everything will be taken care of. But if an employer continues to ask

00:20:19.800 you to step over your morals or is doing something unethical or is not advancing you the way that you

00:20:27.620 feel like maybe you should, and you've had these conversations, then at some point, you got to

00:20:32.740 disengage because this individual has proven time and time again that they're not interested in

00:20:38.980 upholding and maintaining and honoring and respecting the boundaries that you've established.

00:20:43.140 So disengaging is a completely respectable and appropriate form of maintaining your frame.

00:20:53.400 I had one of my early mentors tell me a story one time about him going into his boss because he was

00:20:58.580 planning on starting his own financial planning practice. And he told his boss how he's going to

00:21:03.300 do this. And long story short, his boss said, you'll never make it. You'll never be able to do it.

00:21:08.840 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I gave him all the reasons why you should stay. There's another lesson

00:21:12.140 there. I can tell you here in a minute. And I'll never forget what that mentor told me. He said,

00:21:16.580 he said, I'd rather live in a cardboard box the rest of my life than be your little bitch.

00:21:25.660 That's maintaining your frame.

00:21:30.080 That's believing in yourself enough that you won't be trampled on, that you won't be walked on,

00:21:38.180 and that you believe in yourself.

00:21:43.000 And again, I'm not saying be reckless because that could be reckless. If you don't have something

00:21:47.460 else lined up or you don't have a plan, that could be reckless. But that mentality is the right

00:21:51.620 mentality. The way you go about administering it is tact. And that's important too. The other

00:21:58.600 little story, the little side-off story I was going to tell you there is that you never want to ask

00:22:03.680 advice from somebody who has a vested interest in maintaining the status quo.

00:22:10.800 So for example, if you're planning on starting your own business, you don't want to ask your

00:22:15.080 current employer if they think that's a good idea. Why? Because they have a vested interest in you not

00:22:20.860 starting the business and you continuing to work with them. So never ask advice from somebody about

00:22:28.040 your future who has a vested interest. It's a conflict of interest in fact, but a vested interest

00:22:34.700 in maintaining the status quo. It's not smart. It's not a good idea. You need to get that perspective

00:22:40.420 from other people, from outside sources. All right. So number four was disengage, but I also add defend.

00:22:46.240 You either defend or you disengage and both are appropriate and both are acceptable. You need to

00:22:51.220 decide where to go. Number five, this is important. Do not unnecessarily react to emotion. And notice I

00:23:01.200 threw in the word unnecessary because look guys, here's the thing. Emotions are an indicator. That's

00:23:07.780 all they are. They're just telling you, Hey, things are right. Things are wrong. Things are off. Things

00:23:11.400 feel right. You're good. Hey, you're not good. You should be afraid or you're in danger. It's just an

00:23:16.520 indicator. And so what most of us will do as men is we'll react and respond based on these emotions

00:23:22.940 that we're experiencing. Hey, that feels good. I'm going to do more of that. Hey, that doesn't feel

00:23:28.040 good. I'm going to do less of that. You need to be very cognizant and aware of what your emotions are

00:23:35.480 trying to tell you and what they're trying to teach you. And then you can react and respond based on what

00:23:41.840 you're experiencing, but I don't want you to do it unnecessarily because I've been around people

00:23:47.140 who, you know, get angry for whatever reason, and then they blow up and they explode. And then they

00:23:53.440 just leave a wake of collateral damage in their path because they don't know how to appropriately

00:23:57.960 respond to the emotion they're experiencing. So please understand, I'm not saying do not react or

00:24:06.680 respond to emotion. I'm saying do not unnecessarily react or respond to emotion because what you end

00:24:13.260 up doing is leaving yourself vulnerable, making stupid decisions, and then ultimately putting

00:24:19.480 yourself in a worse position. If for example, your wife comes to you and talks to you about an issue

00:24:25.460 that you happen to get upset about, if you blow up at her and you completely lose your mind and break

00:24:33.180 down and lose all of your framing, you just undermined your own efforts. You no longer have

00:24:38.700 the same level of credibility and authority and influence over her. And you might explode in a way

00:24:44.720 that undermines what ultimately you want, which is to have the influence, to have the credibility and

00:24:50.460 the authority with her. So disengage if you need to, even temporarily to understand what's happening

00:24:57.660 right now. Man, I'm pissed. I'm fired up. Okay. Stop for a second, right? Disengage if you can in

00:25:06.300 the appropriate situation from the environment and start thinking about this stuff so that when you come

00:25:13.680 back to it with your wife, for example, you can do it with a level head and say, Hey hon, I'm angry

00:25:19.180 or I'm upset because of X, Y, and Z. And it's okay to be upset, but it's not okay to respond

00:25:27.040 unnecessarily and inappropriately to the emotion of being upset. Those are two different things,

00:25:35.160 the emotion and the response. They're not one in the same. When people are angry, they say,

00:25:41.300 well, when I get angry, I go crazy. Two different things, anger response. They're not married.

00:25:49.300 They're different. They're exclusive. I'm angry. And then we have a choice as men to decide how we

00:25:58.400 respond to that anger. And sometimes we need to disengage temporarily, come back with a level head

00:26:07.440 and a clear approach and communicate with our wife or our child or our employer or our employee or our

00:26:14.460 client or whoever it is you're dealing with in a level, rational, mature way of going about doing

00:26:20.880 it. All right. Number six, maintain the long-term perspective. If you're so wrapped up in what's

00:26:28.780 going on right now, like what's current, Hey, you know, I'm pissed and I got to deal with this and

00:26:32.820 chill for a second, because what you're worried about right now probably won't matter in two years.

00:26:40.760 It probably won't matter in two minutes or two hours. And yet you're treating it like it's the

00:26:47.220 end of the universe. It's the apocalypse. You know, your wife comes to you with upsetting news or

00:26:52.700 something. It's not the apocalypse guys, or a client comes to you and says, Hey, you know,

00:26:58.140 I no longer work together. Your life isn't over. Or even your employer comes to you and says, Hey,

00:27:04.620 I'm sorry, we've got to let you go. It's not over. Okay. You may be out of a job and that sucks.

00:27:11.660 I'm not saying it doesn't, but your life isn't over. All right. There's going to be other jobs.

00:27:16.740 There's going to be other opportunities. There's going to be other ways to make money.

00:27:20.520 Long-term perspective. All right. If you look at it in that short window of time and your boss

00:27:26.520 comes to you and says, Hey, you know, uh, we've been really having a really hard time because of

00:27:30.600 this response to COVID. And unfortunately I've had to let go 50% of my staff. And you're that

00:27:36.300 individual. I have to let go and you blow up and you cause a scene and you leave a wake of collateral

00:27:41.900 damage in your path because you're so focused on what's happening currently. And now thinking about

00:27:46.460 the long-term vision, man, you're burning all those bridges and you look like a fool

00:27:51.620 and you just crumble physically and mentally and emotionally. You think your boss is going to

00:27:58.760 think highly of you down the road. You think the other people that watched your little scene,

00:28:04.000 your little temper tantrum are going to think highly of you. And then when you get home and

00:28:07.740 you complain to your wife and you gripe and you moan and you bitch to her, do you think that

00:28:10.920 fosters and bolsters your credibility as a father and a husband and a leader of your home?

00:28:16.060 No, it undermines it. So deep breath,

00:28:22.220 relax, figure out what's going on. Think about this from the long-term perspective.

00:28:32.920 It doesn't mean it's going to suck less. You losing a job is going to suck.

00:28:36.960 Even if you're thinking about the long-term approach, but you ought to be thinking about,

00:28:41.540 okay, well, you know, like this sucks. Let me position, let me move around. If it was in the

00:28:45.200 jujitsu world, you know, let me shrimp away or let me establish that frame, put my hand in the right

00:28:49.980 place. You know, he caught me, got around my guard. Okay. Yeah. Come in trouble here. I can't freak out

00:28:55.940 because if I freak out, it's going to make things worse, but Hey, take a deep breath. Think about it.

00:29:00.400 Establish the frame. What do I need to do next? How do I get one of my feet in? How do I get back into

00:29:05.880 guard? Breathe long-term, not the short-term game. So let's recap. So number one, we've got

00:29:14.840 know that people are going to actively work against you consciously, or even subconsciously.

00:29:20.240 Number two is evaluate what people are doing and why, what is their reason for doing it? And what

00:29:25.220 advancement are they trying to make happen? Number three is establish, communicate, and uphold

00:29:31.500 boundaries. Number four is either defend or disengage. Both are appropriate in the right

00:29:37.260 set of circumstances. Number five, do not unnecessarily react to your emotions. Number six,

00:29:44.520 maintain that long-term perspective over the short-term results. And then number seven

00:29:50.300 is eliminate your ego. All right. You got kicked in the nuts. You lost your job. Your wife wants a

00:29:59.860 divorce. Your client doesn't want to work with you anymore. You're dealing with a medical condition.

00:30:05.740 You got sued. I mean, there's, you got in a car accident. There's so many things that can happen.

00:30:12.400 All right. And it sucks because it's a referendum on you, right? You lose your job and you think,

00:30:17.820 well, okay, so I'm not good enough. And that goes back to that question that John Eldridge talks about.

00:30:22.280 And do I have what it takes? And when you get fired, the answer is no, you don't have what it takes.

00:30:28.780 And that sucks. That's a hit, man. That hurts your ego.

00:30:32.740 Okay.

00:30:35.740 But when we focus on the ego versus focusing on the results of our lives over a long period of time,

00:30:42.280 we end up making stupid decisions. We say something to our spouse that we don't mean.

00:30:47.860 We burn a bridge with a previous employer that we shouldn't have burned.

00:30:53.080 We eliminate and blow up relationships with clients that maybe we could have circled back around to

00:30:59.200 down the road under different circumstances. And we make a mess. And as I said earlier,

00:31:04.620 we leave that wake of collateral damage in our path because we're so focused on maintaining the

00:31:09.240 pride and the ego and the arrogance that we can't think about the results, the ultimate results that

00:31:14.380 we're after. Do you really care about that one client that you lost? Or do you just truly and

00:31:20.200 genuinely want to serve people, advance in your career, feel some level of meaning and significance

00:31:26.020 in your life and put food on the table and a roof over your family's head? That's the results that

00:31:31.020 you want. And yeah, losing a client sucks, but okay, learn from it. Don't let the ego get in the way,

00:31:37.560 learn from it, grow, develop. You know, a lot of guys will say, well, you know, I lost that client,

00:31:41.520 so it's not meant to be. No, it just meant that that's not, that client relationship isn't going to

00:31:46.480 work out. So what can I learn from it and how can I move forward with more skill, a better outlook on

00:31:54.480 it, and then ultimately the better results? Guys, it's very, very important that we maintain our

00:32:00.060 frame. And I think emotion and ego, and ego I think is related very closely with emotion, but I think

00:32:07.340 that these are the things that get, that get in the way more than anything else. And we do stupid

00:32:14.260 things. We're emotional. We're irrational creatures. So I'm telling you to take a step

00:32:19.940 back and think about maintaining that frame. Be a man, act like a man, maintain that long-term

00:32:25.620 strategy, that long-term approach. And you'll be less likely to be immature and wild and inappropriate

00:32:32.840 and leave that, that damage in your path. Okay. Let, let me recap. We'll call it a day. Please share

00:32:38.540 with me, talk with me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, wherever you're doing your social

00:32:42.400 media thing. And let me know how this is serving you. Let other people know, because again, as I

00:32:47.440 started this podcast, we need to share, right? The overlords of social media don't want this

00:32:53.720 information getting out. And I know why I've been talking about it for six years. It's because

00:32:57.240 they don't want strong, critically thinking, independent men operating, helping each other

00:33:02.840 out, serving each other. They don't want that because that's a threat to them just getting their

00:33:08.580 way and getting what they want. I'm not about that. You're not about that, but I need your help

00:33:13.200 in supporting this mission. So let me recap. Number one, know that people are going to actively

00:33:18.000 work against you subconsciously or consciously. Their alignment, their interests are not always

00:33:22.840 aligned. Number two, evaluate what people are doing and why. Number three, establish, communicate,

00:33:29.960 and uphold the boundaries. Number four, defend or disengage when you experience these things.

00:33:37.340 Both are appropriate in the right set of circumstances. Number five, do not unnecessarily

00:33:43.700 react to your emotions. That's where you do stupid things. Number six, maintain a long-term

00:33:50.480 perspective. It sucks in the short term, but over the long haul, it might be better that this thing,

00:33:56.680 whatever you're experiencing is happening right now. And number seven last year is eliminate your ego

00:34:04.500 focus on the results. Guys, I hope this served you. I hope it helps you. I want to see men who

00:34:11.500 maintain their frames. When I see guys who deal with difficult situations and I see them handle it like

00:34:18.240 men, that's somebody I'm inspired by. That's somebody I'm inspired to follow. And that's somebody

00:34:26.480 I think highly of. I want you to be that man. I personally want to be that man. Somebody who can

00:34:31.240 maintain their frame in any situation. It's more productive. It's more effective. You're going to be

00:34:35.480 more fulfilled and you're going to be able to serve people better. And that is guys, what exactly we

00:34:40.220 want. All right, guys, we'll be back next week. Until then, go out there, take action, maintain your

00:34:47.500 frame and become the man you are meant to be.

00:34:50.260 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

00:34:54.920 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - July 09, 2021

Maintain Your Frame as a Man ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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