Order of Man - Make Yourself Proud ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.020 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.460 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.500 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.760 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:24.720 Hey, gentlemen. What is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler, and I am the host and the founder of this podcast and this movement, The Order of Man.

00:00:32.460 I want to welcome you to The Order. This is a show dedicated to helping you become a better man, a better man in every facet of your life.

00:00:41.020 So we've got interviews. You get to hear me on this show, The Friday Field Notes.

00:00:45.240 We've got an Ask Me Anything show that comes out each Wednesday.

00:00:47.820 Essentially, I just want to give you the tools and the guidance and the direction and the framework and the conversations that you need in order to improve your life.

00:00:56.500 Be a better father, a better husband, a better community leader, a better business owner.

00:01:00.480 Again, every single facet of your life.

00:01:02.940 If you want to learn more because you're new and you're just joining us, which there are tens of thousands of new men joining us each and every week,

00:01:09.680 then I would encourage you to check out orderofmen.com.

00:01:13.380 I'd also encourage you to check out our Facebook group.

00:01:16.440 I think we've got close to 50,000 members of that Facebook group and you can do that at facebook.com slash groups slash order of men.

00:01:24.700 And then Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, wherever you are, wherever you're doing the social media thing, that's where we are.

00:01:30.560 And I just want to jump right into this conversation today.

00:01:33.180 Again, this is your Friday Field Notes and you get to hear some of my thoughts from throughout the week.

00:01:37.780 And as I was thinking about what I wanted to talk with you about today, I was going through our Facebook group

00:01:43.200 and I noticed that there's a lot of men inside of that Facebook group and just life in general who are continually seeking external validation for who they are and what they do,

00:01:54.120 whether they're looking for it from me or other members of the Facebook group,

00:01:57.820 or they're looking for it from their parents or their kids or their wives or their bosses.

00:02:02.540 And I'm just here to tell you that trying to be proud in the eyes of other people is not inherently bad,

00:02:11.060 but it poses some very real problems because I think a lot of the times when we do this,

00:02:16.320 we actually achieve the exact opposite of what we should be striving for, which is making ourselves proud.

00:02:23.040 Like if we can look in the mirror, the guy in the mirror with a sincere understanding that you are doing everything that you can do to be the best possible man that you can be,

00:02:36.480 to be the type of father, husband, business owner, employee, entrepreneur, leader in the community, coach, mentor, whatever that looks like.

00:02:46.580 If you can look that guy in the mirror and be proud of the man staring back, I think that is the ultimate objective because being proud in the eyes of other people is typically an inferior way of approaching your life.

00:03:00.520 And there's all kinds of problems that we run into when we try to make others proud at the expense of making ourselves proud.

00:03:05.260 I'm going to talk about that here in a minute, but it truly is a recipe for disaster and I think a life less than what you're capable of.

00:03:14.620 So today I wanted to share some thoughts and some insights around that.

00:03:17.640 Of course, give you some tips like I always do on the Friday field notes.

00:03:20.460 But before I do, let's talk about some of these problems when you are seeking validation from other people.

00:03:26.680 Number one, you've got to understand that if you're looking to be approved of or validated by some external resource, it's just not reliable because those external resources change for a variety of reasons.

00:03:39.700 People leave, people come, people go, people change their minds and their opinions.

00:03:43.560 Uh, it's just, it's not reliable.

00:03:45.900 And so if you're always chasing and that's exactly what it is, I see this so often in men who are desperate, desperate for attention, desperate to be validated, desperate to be approved.

00:03:58.340 And I think a lot of this might have to do with, uh, maybe some issues and not getting enough love as a child or not getting enough attention even now as an adult.

00:04:06.520 Uh, but it's, it's not reliable.

00:04:09.300 External validation is beyond your control.

00:04:12.080 So if you're seeking for that, be prepared for disappointment, be prepared for a roller coaster, the ups and downs of people's whims and desires and wishes and changes and being wishy-washy.

00:04:24.820 It's just not reliable again.

00:04:26.740 And I don't know how else to say that other than you've got to understand that internal validation being validated by yourself, knowing that when you got up this morning, that you accomplished everything you wanted to accomplish.

00:04:37.600 And you're doing exactly what you need to do in order to accomplish those things.

00:04:41.360 I'll give you an example.

00:04:42.600 I was at the gym this morning and it was a pretty intense workout.

00:04:46.060 I happened to be doing CrossFit.

00:04:47.380 And at the end of the workout, I looked at my results and I knew, I knew that I didn't give everything I could have given that I could have got a half dozen or maybe even a dozen extra reps.

00:04:59.360 And I didn't use that as an opportunity to beat myself up, but an opportunity to recognize there's got to be some things I do better here.

00:05:06.140 And it wasn't about what my coach said to me or what everybody else got around me.

00:05:09.860 It was that I knew I could have done better.

00:05:12.500 So rather than looking for external validation, which is a problem again, because it's not reliable, seek for internal validation.

00:05:20.560 Number two is you sell yourself short.

00:05:22.960 Look, if you're relying upon somebody else's metric of success or what they define as being successful, I think quite frankly, you probably aren't living life to the full degree that you're capable of.

00:05:36.340 Because most other people have low expectations, not only of themselves, but also of you.

00:05:43.080 And so when you're trying to win over the approval of other people, you're basically operating at their metric, which may be a metric lower, a standard lower than you know that you're capable of.

00:05:54.600 And I've seen this in studies.

00:05:56.800 I've seen this in conversations with men, guys who really don't care, for example, about how much money they make just as long as they make more than the next guy or that they weren't the first one to quit some task or some assignment or that they just barely edged out the competition.

00:06:12.720 I don't know about you, but from my perspective, that's not living the type of life that you're capable of living.

00:06:19.060 If you're measuring yourself against somebody else who's producing inferior results and you just barely edge them out, how successful can you really be?

00:06:27.840 Your metric, your framework or benchmark should be the highest standard by which you can think, by which you can operate.

00:06:40.420 Do not operate under other people's standards because you're selling yourself short.

00:06:44.400 The next one, guys, you overlook your unique talents and gifts and abilities.

00:06:51.020 I got into this for a long time.

00:06:53.100 I compared myself to what other people were doing and how they did it and why they did it.

00:06:57.520 And I should get involved in this experience and this hobby or this interest or this activity because this individual is doing it this way.

00:07:05.020 And I thought that I was a loser because I wasn't achieving the level of success that I had in my mind that I wanted to achieve.

00:07:12.740 And a big part of that, a big reason for that is that I was overlooking what I was inherently good at, what I was uniquely qualified in ways in which I could excel.

00:07:24.480 When you do it like everybody else and you think you have to say the same things and write the same way and talk the same way and have the same interests and have the same hobbies, you are again selling yourself short.

00:07:36.980 There are things about your experience, your culture, your background, your beliefs, your ideas, everything that you've done up until this point that have made you unique, that have made you an individual capable of doing something that the guy right next to you can't do because he hasn't had those same experiences and cultures and beliefs and ideas and life in general.

00:07:58.520 So, don't compare yourself to other people.

00:08:01.940 Don't do it somebody else's way.

00:08:03.820 Do it your way.

00:08:05.140 If something sounds meaningful and engaging and interesting to you, do it that way because you're going to have infinitely more success doing it that way than you ever are by trying to do it someone else's way so they can pat you on the head, give you a little kick in the back or the pants and say, good job, son, you did it.

00:08:21.460 I don't care what other people say about what I did and didn't do.

00:08:25.880 I care about what I can tell myself.

00:08:28.240 And the last problem that I wanted to share with you here, and then we'll get into some of these tactics, some of these strategies for you is that you are in a way living by other people's definitions of success.

00:08:40.860 And that's a slippery slope.

00:08:43.080 One of the questions I get asked all the time is, what does it mean to be successful?

00:08:47.420 The only answer that is correct, that is accurate, and 100% of the situations in which the asker is asking that question is autonomy.

00:08:58.200 Success is about autonomy.

00:09:00.820 It's about doing what you want, why you want to do it, how you want to do it, when you want to do it, and it's different for every single person.

00:09:08.740 I cannot define success for you.

00:09:10.800 You can't define it for me.

00:09:12.320 I can simply define it for me, what I want to accomplish, what I want to do.

00:09:16.380 And I don't want to live under anybody else's restrictions or thoughts about what I should and shouldn't be doing and how I should be doing it and what it actually means to be significant or successful in life.

00:09:28.940 Again, this comes back to looking the man in the mirror and knowing that you're doing all you're capable of in a way that you're designed and over time built to do.

00:09:40.060 Now, granted, there's probably a lot of other problems with trying to make other people proud and assuming that because they are, then you're successful.

00:09:47.580 But those are the four that I identified.

00:09:49.040 I want to get into these strategies and these tips because I think this is where it's going to be really helpful.

00:09:53.420 And I see so many guys out there who are lacking this sense of confidence, the X factor, if you will.

00:10:00.680 All of us have seen the guy who walks into the building and you don't even have to look at him, but you know, man, there's just something about this guy.

00:10:08.280 And I would argue that if it's legitimate and you're feeling that way, that that individual is not worried about what you think.

00:10:14.660 He doesn't care.

00:10:15.920 He's indifferent to it.

00:10:16.940 But the X factor is about being able to fulfill and uphold your obligations and your ideals and your responsibilities to no one but yourself.

00:10:28.380 And using these strategies that I've had to learn, frankly, the hard way has really improved not only my levels of confidence, but my level of success on just about every metric that I have identified.

00:10:41.740 Again, it's about what I identify for me and what you identify for you.

00:10:45.360 So number one, make a plan, guys, make a plan the night before, make a plan for a project, have some sort of plan in place.

00:10:54.660 If you're going at life haphazardly and the shotgun approach and hoping something that'll work and hoping that you're going to be successful or that you're going to accomplish what it is that you want to accomplish without having a strategy and a plan, what you're going to do is you're going to default to what everybody else says you should be doing.

00:11:11.440 And again, we fall into those traps that I talked about earlier.

00:11:13.640 You don't want to default into somebody else's standard.

00:11:16.820 You want to create your own standard and you do that by having a plan.

00:11:20.780 At the end of every single day, I get my notepad out and I write exactly what I'm going to be doing the next day.

00:11:27.540 Now, does it always work out the way that I planned it?

00:11:29.660 Of course not.

00:11:30.620 But having the plan in place is the thing that allows me to define and measure against what it is I want to accomplish.

00:11:37.640 I was at my son's football practice the other day and I actually think I may have talked about this last week, but I asked my son what he got accomplished, what he got done.

00:11:46.520 And initially, when we started talking about this, he said he didn't know, which is a problem because he didn't identify what he wanted to accomplish.

00:11:52.880 Now, he didn't maybe know any better or maybe I didn't explain that to him, but the more that we talked about it, the more that he realized it would be in his best interest to have a goal and objective for his practices so that he had a very clear expectation for himself, not anybody else, for himself on what he needed to improve.

00:12:10.000 So, guys, make a plan, have goals, have objectives, know what it is that you want to accomplish so that you can come back and measure.

00:12:17.400 Did I get this thing done?

00:12:18.440 Did I not get this thing done?

00:12:20.060 And you have the opportunity to feel proud based on the things that you've identified.

00:12:24.380 Number two, this is a good one.

00:12:26.340 This is one of the most important ones.

00:12:28.640 You have to do the things that scare you.

00:12:31.460 See, everybody talks about fear and fear is false evidence appearing real.

00:12:36.340 And it's not really a real thing.

00:12:39.620 That's not true.

00:12:40.880 Fear is real.

00:12:42.000 It's an emotion.

00:12:42.940 It's an experience.

00:12:43.820 It's designed to help you.

00:12:45.700 But a lot of the times it actually becomes a sabotaging experience because we are so afraid of doing the things that won't necessarily hurt or kill us, that aren't dangerous, but rather the things that make us feel uncomfortable.

00:12:59.660 It keeps us from doing those things.

00:13:01.500 So I would be willing to bet, for example, that public speaking is one of the things that scares you just about more than anything else.

00:13:10.500 That to me is a great indicator that you should go do that thing.

00:13:14.360 I know when I started working out, I was scared to go in the gym.

00:13:17.040 I was 50 pounds overweight. 0.98

00:13:18.160 I looked like garbage. 1.00

00:13:19.000 I felt like crap. 0.99

00:13:20.020 I didn't want to go in there. 0.97

00:13:21.260 I knew people would be fit.

00:13:22.340 And yet I forced myself to go in there because I knew that was the very thing that would help me be proud of who I was.

00:13:29.960 That would help me feel like I actually accomplished something.

00:13:32.820 And when we avoid these things and we run away from these things, even if we manage to accomplish some small degree of success in another person's eyes, we know.

00:13:42.380 We know deep down inside that we didn't do what we were capable of, that instead of facing the fear, we tuck tail and ran and we cowered in the face of the thing that wouldn't scare us.

00:13:53.960 The thing that just made us a little bit uncomfortable.

00:13:57.880 Take a, take a notepad out guys and write down everything that you want to do, especially the things that scare you.

00:14:04.800 The things that make you feel uncomfortable, the things that you naturally maybe want to run away from and start checking those things off the list.

00:14:12.100 When you do that and you accomplish something you previously didn't think you could do, or you had to overcome, that's how you make yourself proud.

00:14:18.680 Number three, celebrate victories.

00:14:20.940 You know, there's a lot of self-help type gurus out there who say, don't celebrate the victories, just move right on to the next one.

00:14:26.900 And I can kind of see that.

00:14:28.660 I get that.

00:14:29.380 I understand that as a high achieving man, like a lot of you are.

00:14:32.780 Yeah, it's very simple and very easy to move on to the next thing and to want bigger and better and greater and faster and more money and better relationships and all the things that we're after.

00:14:42.300 That's great.

00:14:42.800 Nothing wrong with that.

00:14:43.860 But if you can't pause and think about what you just accomplished, and it doesn't have to be significant.

00:14:51.980 I mean, it could be very little things that you accomplish.

00:14:55.200 Maybe you completed a new project at work.

00:14:58.260 Maybe you asked an attractive woman on a date.

00:15:00.760 Maybe you had a difficult conversation with your wife or your child.

00:15:05.640 Maybe you took your first jujitsu class.

00:15:07.840 Again, it doesn't have to be some grandiose experiment in order for you to feel proud of it.

00:15:13.400 But it's something to build on, which I'm going to talk about here in a minute.

00:15:16.420 It's something to build on, guys.

00:15:19.020 Celebrate victories.

00:15:20.720 Don't relish in victories.

00:15:22.260 Don't live on past victories.

00:15:23.860 Don't worry about what you did 20 years ago on the high school football team, but celebrate your victories and then move on after you've celebrated, after you've rewarded yourself, after you've recognized that you've done something great.

00:15:36.800 And now you can step up and do something even greater.

00:15:40.260 Next, embrace things that are meaningful to you.

00:15:44.800 Not meaningful to other people.

00:15:46.780 Not the things that people say you should do.

00:15:49.640 Look, all of us are a little weird.

00:15:52.300 All of us are a little strange.

00:15:54.300 We all do things differently.

00:15:55.540 And there's probably things that are in my life that I enjoy doing that other people would think are weird.

00:16:02.380 And I used to avoid those things, especially in high school.

00:16:05.440 I used to avoid those things because all my buddies said, oh, that's not cool.

00:16:08.760 Don't do that.

00:16:09.280 You're supposed to do it this way.

00:16:10.340 And you know what?

00:16:11.180 It wasn't fun because I was doing what other people said I should do or what I thought I quote unquote should do.

00:16:17.280 Embrace the weirdness.

00:16:19.060 Embrace the things that make you unique.

00:16:21.300 Embrace the things that you find meaning and significance in.

00:16:24.480 And don't worry that other people say, oh, that's weird.

00:16:27.080 You shouldn't do that.

00:16:27.920 No, that's the exact thing that you should do.

00:16:30.940 Assuming it's legal, moral, and ethical.

00:16:33.780 I better put that disclaimer in there because somebody listening who will take that to heart and say that I said it was okay.

00:16:41.500 As long as it's legal, moral, and ethical, go out.

00:16:44.420 Explore.

00:16:44.980 Try new things.

00:16:45.660 Do different things.

00:16:46.440 Be a little weird.

00:16:47.260 Embrace the weirdness.

00:16:48.980 And I think you're going to live a lot more meaningful and significant life and achieve that level of success.

00:16:54.060 Again, that you've identified.

00:16:56.140 Number five.

00:16:57.280 Embrace the Kaizen method.

00:16:59.100 Now, a lot of you guys have probably heard this before.

00:17:01.160 It's the 1% method. 0.90

00:17:02.920 I think a lot of us go out there and think that if we can't accomplish the biggest, the best, the greatest, all at once, right now, when we very first start, that somehow we're failures or we're losers.

00:17:14.300 That's not the truth.

00:17:15.280 Guys, you got to get started.

00:17:16.960 I'll give you an example of this.

00:17:18.060 About two and a half months or so ago, maybe three months, I started running.

00:17:23.820 I was going to go do a 5K.

00:17:25.160 I knew I needed to train for this.

00:17:27.040 Hunting season's coming up.

00:17:28.340 That's important to me.

00:17:29.300 So, I started to run and do trail runs.

00:17:31.880 And there's a hill.

00:17:32.820 I'm actually looking at it right now outside of my office window.

00:17:36.040 And it's a trail run.

00:17:37.000 It's about a mile and a half to the top.

00:17:38.700 And as I started two and a half, three months ago, I went and ran this trail and I couldn't get a tenth of a mile without having to stop and walk for a distance before I could start running again.

00:17:53.140 Well, just last week, I ran the entire thing.

00:17:56.480 I ran up the trail a mile and a half.

00:17:58.720 The next day, I committed to myself that not only was going to run a mile and a half up without stopping, I was going to run up and down without stopping.

00:18:07.340 And I was able to accomplish that.

00:18:08.820 But I would not be able to accomplish that if I wasn't willing to get into the game.

00:18:13.200 If I wasn't willing to run a tenth of a mile before stopping, you got to get yourself in the game.

00:18:20.640 And it's going to be awkward.

00:18:21.800 And it's going to be uncomfortable.

00:18:23.440 And you're not going to be as successful as the guy standing next to you.

00:18:26.480 And you're going to want to quit because you're not as good as you'd like.

00:18:29.680 That's what most people do.

00:18:31.600 And that's why there's so many men out there who aren't proud of who they are and the way they show up because they're not showing up.

00:18:38.940 They're hoping and they're wishing and they're praying that things will work out.

00:18:42.320 And somehow, miraculously, they'll be good at something they try.

00:18:45.380 Look, if you're good at something, the very first time you try it, you're not setting yourself up with high enough and lofty enough goals and ambitions and desires.

00:18:55.020 The goal is to create something that's not within your reach right now that you can be working towards.

00:19:01.140 And tomorrow, you can be 1% better.

00:19:02.880 So instead of a tenth of a mile, you run two tenths of a mile and then three tenths and four tenths and five tenths.

00:19:08.880 And eventually, three months later, you're running up a mile and a half and back down a mile and a half.

00:19:14.260 This is how we improve.

00:19:15.440 This is how we get better.

00:19:16.420 We build upon it slowly, steadily, consistently, and surely.

00:19:21.280 Ninety days later, you're going to look back and you're not even going to recognize the man that you were.

00:19:26.620 And you're going to be proud of the man that you are.

00:19:29.140 Now, I saved a very interesting one for the last point that I want to make with you here today.

00:19:34.780 And that is that you need to understand consciousness.

00:19:37.220 You need to understand consciousness.

00:19:38.780 What do I mean when I say this?

00:19:40.040 Well, consciousness can mean a lot of different things.

00:19:42.340 But the way that I'm defining and talking about it here is your ability as a man to look at yourself objectively and really study and ponder who you are, who you were, and who you have the potential to become.

00:19:58.800 See, humans are one of, if not the only species on the planet that can understand their point in space and time and then consciously choose a new path simply because they want to.

00:20:12.340 So, what we get to do when we understand our conscious selves is we get to look at who we are objectively.

00:20:19.140 This is not to beat ourselves up and this is not to be overly prideful in what we've accomplished.

00:20:26.000 It's to be objective, to detach ourselves from the outcome to some degree, to almost in a way be robotic about the performance and the results that will inevitably come.

00:20:36.680 See, we get so emotionally attached to, well, I didn't do as good as I should have or I got into trouble or I really messed up in the past.

00:20:45.980 And we're so emotionally attached to that and clinging on to that and holding on to that, that we can't ever let go of it and move forward.

00:20:54.160 You've got to drop the baggage.

00:20:55.480 You've got to look at where you were and who you were and how far you've become.

00:21:00.440 This is consciousness.

00:21:01.520 The more that you can do that, the more that you can objectively look at your life and recognize what you should be doing moving forward, what you need to add into your life, what you need to take away from your life,

00:21:13.900 and really give yourself an objective analysis about where you are again in space and time and who you want to be in space and time in the future.

00:21:24.380 I know that one might sound a little woo-woo, a little out there for the things that I normally talk about,

00:21:28.760 but man, the more that you're aware of who you are and how you show up, the more likely it is that you can dictate how you're going to be moving forward.

00:21:37.300 So guys, that's what I wanted to share with you today.

00:21:39.200 I want you to make yourself proud, not me proud, not your parents, not your kids, not your spouse, not your friends, not perfect strangers on the interwebs,

00:21:47.420 but I want you to be able to look at the man in the mirror and understand that you've done some great things,

00:21:53.440 that you've accomplished some big things, that you are the best standard of success.

00:21:58.420 Nobody else's standard, your standard.

00:22:00.440 When you start making some plans before you engage in activities, when you do things every single day that push you outside of your comfort zone and expand your potential to do more,

00:22:12.660 when you celebrate victories, when you embrace the oddities and the strangeness and the weirdness, quite frankly, that makes you, you and me, me.

00:22:22.340 When you embrace the 1% Kaizen method and when you understand and you are aware of who you are and who you have the potential to become.

00:22:31.460 And most importantly, you start working towards that.

00:22:33.920 That's how you make yourself proud.

00:22:36.180 That's how you stand in front of the mirror and look at the guy staring back at you and find yourself proud of who you've become, who you are and who you're capable of being.

00:22:46.560 Anyways, guys, I hope that helps.

00:22:48.600 I would love to get some feedback from you.

00:22:50.380 I would love to hear what's working for you, what isn't working for you.

00:22:53.760 I want to hear about your victories.

00:22:55.840 I'm just glad that you're here and that you're part of the order.

00:22:58.420 We could not do this without you.

00:23:00.280 And we need more men in this fight.

00:23:01.980 We need you to be proud of yourself so that you can go out and you can serve you and your families and your businesses and your communities and everybody and everything that you're working to serve in the best way possible.

00:23:11.540 And the way we do that is by becoming the men that we're capable of being.

00:23:14.340 So, guys, I'll leave it there today.

00:23:16.340 If you would, on a parting note, just leave a rating review for the podcast.

00:23:19.660 We're really on a big rating and review kick right now.

00:23:22.580 We need so many of those.

00:23:23.700 The more ratings and reviews that we get, the more awareness and attention and focus that we can bring to this critical mission of reclaiming what it means to be a man.

00:23:33.420 So, I'll let you go with that.

00:23:35.380 Until next week, take action.

00:23:37.820 Make yourself proud.

00:23:39.440 Become the man you are meant to be.

00:23:41.480 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

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Order of Man - August 24, 2018

Make Yourself Proud ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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