Man in the Arena | FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
Life has a way of inevitably knocking us down. It s what we do in those moments of challenge and adversity that really define us and tell us whether or not we have what it takes. And all too often we let other people dictate that.
Transcript
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When you improve in one aspect of your life, for example, your health, then your relationship will
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improve because now you're going to look better. You're going to feel better. Your stress levels
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are down. Your heart rate is down. You're not as agitated. You feel good about who you are.
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You're performing well. Your energy levels are high. You're sleeping right. You're fueling and
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hydrating correctly. How is that not going to improve your relationship? How is that not going
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to help you serve your clients better? Gentlemen, by now, I'm sure every single one of you has heard
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Theodore Roosevelt's famous speech, at least a portion of it, titled, it's an excerpt titled,
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The Man in the Arena. I wanted to share this with you today because I'm constantly reminded
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of this quote and the premise and information behind it as life has a way of inevitably knocking
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us down. One minute you're riding high and thinking everything is wonderful and good and your
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finances are in order and your kids are happy and your relationship is thriving and the next
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minute maybe you have a breakdown in a relationship or one of your kids is dealing with a hardship
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or you lose your job and you're dealt with some financial constraints and hardship or you have
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a medical diagnosis. It's not really a matter of if that's going to happen. It's a matter of when
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it's going to happen and what that's going to look like. And I think more importantly than
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when and what it's going to look like is how will you handle yourself? And to me, that's really what
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the Man in the Arena excerpt and story is all about. Not only about not listening to others or
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allowing other people to judge you harshly or unfairly, although that is an important component,
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but what you're going to do with yourself and how you are going to handle those moments of
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challenge, trial, and adversity. I've been talking about manliness and masculinity for
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over 10 years now. And I think for the most part, it's relatively easy to be a quote unquote man
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when everything's going well. Relationships are thriving, money situation's good, everybody's happy
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and content. You're leading well. It's what we do in moments of obstacles and trials and challenges
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and adversity that really define us and tell us whether we have what it takes or not. And that's
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a little bit of a nod to the author John Eldridge in his book, Wild at Heart, which was life-changing
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to me. He makes the case that every man is attempting to ask the question, do I have what it takes?
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And all too often we fall short. That's bound to happen. And all too often we let other people
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dictate whether or not we have what it takes. But I found in my own life that the more fulfilled and
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satisfied that not only I am, but the people around me is when I'm striving to answer the question,
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do I have what it takes in the affirmative? And the only way to figure it out is to put yourself out
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there and to take risks and to do hard things and to expose yourself to critique and ridicule and
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risk. In fact, I don't think you could fully be the man that you're supposed to be unless you're
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willing to take those risks and risk looking foolish or stupid or dumb in front of other people.
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Now, obviously we don't set out to go do that, but the inevitable outcome of trying new things,
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putting yourself out there, getting into new relationships, taking investment risks,
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approaching life from a different perspective, starting a new business,
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the inevitable outcome for some of that is that it's not going to work. It's not the end of the
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world. Everything can be recovered from and you will recover as long as you're able to remember the
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words of this quote, an excerpt, Man in the Arena, and some other things I'm going to share with you
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today. Let me go ahead and read it. I wish I had it memorized. I don't. So I'm going to go ahead and read
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it for you. It's not the critic who counts, not the man who points how the strong man stumbles or
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where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in
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the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes
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up short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming, but who does
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actually strive to do the deeds, who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a
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worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he
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fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid
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souls, who neither know victory nor defeat. If that doesn't give you a little chill up your spine, I
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don't know what is. And I think that perfectly encapsulates what I want to talk with you about
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today. And of course, the objective when it comes to being a man is to protect, provide, and preside,
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all of which take an element of daring and enthusiasm and the risk of failure. But today, I want to talk
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with you about a couple of things that I think you can do to help you be more adequately prepared for the
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battles of life that all of us will inevitably face, and how we can hold our heads up high when we
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succeed. And even when we fail, we can still keep our shoulders back and walk proudly and upright in
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our heads up, knowing that if we do the right things, as we have done before, hopefully, that life will get
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better, your relationships will mend, your finances will be brought in alignment, that business will
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eventually work out, you'll have the relationships with the kids that you want, and life will be
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fulfilling for you. Let's break this down. Number one, and this is one of the hardest things I think
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to do is, and this ties right in line with that excerpt, Man in the Arena. First is you have to stop
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seeking approval from other people. Now, that's, I don't want that to be conflated with not going out
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to look for credible, accurate feedback and insight, because you don't know what you don't know.
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I was talking with a group of men inside of our brotherhood today, and we were talking about
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exploring the fringes of our ideas, new hobbies, activities, interests, potential career pursuits,
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romantic relationship interests, but that the answer to what we want out of life is found in a
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different place than we're accustomed to looking. If the answer for what ails you was in the places
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you're currently looking, you'd already have the answer. If you spent your entire life with that
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relationship, you spent your entire life pursuing that career, you've spent your entire life reading
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those books, or listening to that podcast, or listening to this music, or surrounding yourself
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with those friends, or listening to that gospel, you've spent your entire life building and
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constructing a worldview that has served you to varying degrees in exactly where you are right
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now. If you want something different and something new out of life, then you have to explore the
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fringes. You have to start thinking about what hobbies have I always been interested but never done?
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What person have I wanted to have a relationship with but never have pursued?
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What business have I always wanted to start but was too afraid to do it?
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What conversation or questions have I had of other people but been too timid to ask?
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They wouldn't be problems if you didn't know the answers, and you don't know the answers because
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you're not looking in the right place. Now, the reason I bring this up is because when we start
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to explore the fringes of our ideas and minds, it requires a level of risk-taking.
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You're not going to be excellent. You're not going to be the best. And the guys with the largest egos
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are sometimes the ones who damage themselves the most because they're unwilling to look foolish and
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silly in pursuit of something that could actually be very meaningful in their life.
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The reality of this experience is that you're going to be judged.
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Your kids are going to judge you. Your wife or your romantic interest is going to judge you.
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Your clients are going to judge you. Potential employers are going to judge you.
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And I hear from so many men that say, oh, well, you know, it shouldn't be that way.
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I agree. I wish that you could walk around with a sign on your chest that says,
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here's what I've done and here's what I'm capable of doing and believe or trust in me
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because here's what I've produced. But that's not reality. And if we want to be successful in
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life, then we have to operate in reality, objective reality. And reality says that people
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are going to judge you all the time. And in many cases, it's going to be harsh. It's going to be
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unwarranted and it's going to be unfair. But that's part of the deal. And unless you can learn to get
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over that, you're never going to do anything great and meaningful. And you might as well just resign
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in life to a mediocre marriage, a decent career, a little bit of prosperity financially, a couple
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of good relationships, maybe a few buddies and maybe, you know, 10 days of vacation a year.
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And if you're satisfied with that, all the power to you. But I don't think you are because I don't
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think you'd be listening to this podcast if that were the case. So when it comes to
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not seeking approval of other people, most people don't talk about how to do that.
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I've got four very easy steps. Not, I should say simple, not easy. They're not always easy,
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but they are simple. And it's, it's what I call the confidence continuum.
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Confidence continuum. The first step is courage. Everybody wants to have confidence. When I have
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confidence in myself, I'm not looking around wondering who's applauding me or acknowledging
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me or telling me good boy or doing a good job because it's irrelevant. I'm able to validate
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myself. And I know through the work that I'm doing that I'm good and I don't need somebody else to tell
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me. But in order to get to that point, you have to exhibit some level of courage. And the beauty of
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this process is that you can just decide to be courageous. I can't decide to be confident today.
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I can't, I can decide to be arrogant or prideful or egotistical or exude some sense of false bravado,
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but that's not genuine confidence. In fact, those people who are prideful and egotistical like that
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are typically the least confident. They're the loud, obnoxious, least confident people
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that you'll ever run across. So I can't decide to be confident, but what I can decide is to be
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courageous. I can decide to ask that woman on a date, even though I might get rejected.
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I can decide to buy the domain name and register a business with, with the state just because I want
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to. I can ask for the sale, even though I know they might say no, and I might not get paid or add
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value to their lives. I can go to jujitsu. I can go on that hunt. I can go to the store and pick up
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the paint kit because I've always wanted to learn how to paint, become a masterful painter and a
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professional painter or cook a meal for my family for this first time. I've never done it before
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and I'll probably burn it and it'll be bland and gross, but I'm going to do it anyways because
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this is important to me. And all that requires is courage, enough courage to take the very first
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step. And what happens is if you exhibit enough courage over consistent and sustained periods of
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time, you start to develop the second C. The second C is competence. If I continue to cook for my
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family, even though I might be really horrible at it initially, I will eventually get better.
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And as I get better and I feel better about my skills and I start to experiment the fringes of
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taste and flavors and spices and cooking methods, et cetera, I develop a level of competency.
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When a man starts to develop competency, excuse me, competency because of the confidence that he's
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exhibit over consistent amounts of time, then and only then is he awarded the inevitable result,
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which is confidence. And confidence can still be humble. It can still be a sense of wonder and
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curiosity and wanting to improve, but it means that I feel good about my performance. And I know if my
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performance is not as good as I would like it to be, I'm confident based on my skills and the time
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I've invested that I can get better at this thing. Confidence doesn't mean you've reached the pinnacle
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of whatever it is you're pursuing. It just means you're confident enough to know that even though
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you're not as good as you want to be, you have what it takes to get there, to go back to John Eldridge's
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question. And I said, this is a continuum. What happens when you're confident is that you're able to
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exhibit greater levels and degrees of courageousness, which develops more competency, which builds
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confidence and so on and so forth. So if you're finding yourself wanting to seek the approval of
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others, I would have you ask yourself, where are you out of integrity in your life? Where have you
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been wanting to do something, but haven't? Where are you communicating to some people, even non-verbally
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that you're good at something, but you know, deep down inside, you're not because those types of
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people are looking for approval because they can't build it and foster it from within. And once you
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find where you're out of integrity, write it down if you have to. Once you start finding where you're
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out of integrity, maybe it's working out, maybe it's eating clean, maybe it's some vices that you're
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engaged in, maybe it's conversations you know need to take place but haven't. Write as many of those
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things down and then start acting on them. And I promise you, you're going to stop seeking approval
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as much and learn how to validate yourself. Number two is do what you know how to do.
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You know, so many men are just sitting back and they're waiting for conditions to be perfect and
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right. And they're, they're hoping that all the, all the obstacles are out of the way. The analogy I
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heard one time is if you're planning a vacation, let's say from Southern Utah, which is where I live
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to Southern California, depending on where you go, it's about seven hours. If I waited to leave until
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I knew every light was going to be green on my way from Southern Utah to Southern California,
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I would never leave. And we laugh at that about that because it is a silly example, but are you doing
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that? Are you waiting until conditions are perfect? And I'll tell you how, you know, when you say,
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hey, things are really busy right now, I can't do that. Even though it's something you want to do.
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Oh, you know, next year, next year, that'll be better next year. You know what? It won't be
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better next year. It'll be the same or maybe even worse. You'll be just as busy. You'll be just as
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distracted. You'll be just as pressed for time and money as you are this year, unless you finally
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decide, you know what? It's never going to be right. And I'm going to do something different.
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If you want next year to be different than what it is right now, then you have to say yes to some
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things that you're not currently doing. And it does require sacrifice. And there is an element
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of risk. And so what? That's the cost of being better tomorrow than you are today.
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There's another quote that I really like from Theodore Roosevelt as well. I think it's actually
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attributed to him. I'm not sure if it's him. You guys can do the fact check on that. The quote is,
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do what you can with what you've got where you are. Do what you can with what you've got where
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you are. Stop looking for things to be perfect. Stop waiting for all the signs to be right.
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Just start. I'm not telling you that you need to perform brain surgery tomorrow. I'm telling you to
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buy a domain name for your up and coming business you've always wanted to start. It's going to cost you
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50 bucks. I'm not telling you that you have to become the next Mr. Olympia because you're 100
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pounds overweight. I'm just telling you, go down to the gym today, talk with whoever you need to talk
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with, the sales department, and buy yourself a $30 a month membership. And then tomorrow, again,
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you don't need to have all the form down. You don't need to know all the program. You just need to know
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what you're going to do tomorrow. Maybe there's a relationship that you need to make right now.
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Stop jumping out ahead. Stop worrying about the 10, 20, 30, 40, 100, 1,000, an infant number of steps
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down the road. Start worrying about what is your next best step. Do what you can with what you've got
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where you are. You're not as good as you can be right now. It's not meant to be a slight or to put you
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down. I'm not as good as I want to be right now. But we improve step by step, day by day.
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One foot in front of the other. What is the next best step? Do that. And I also wrote here that
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action is the antidote to anxiety and frustration. How many of us are just frustrated and anxious and
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gosh, we just, we want to lose that weight or we want to build that relationship or we want to start
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that business or we want to get out of debt or we want to have a better conversation with our kids or
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we want to have that conversation with our boss or we want to get the promotion or the raise.
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And we're so anxious about it. Again, because we're looking too far down the road, but also because
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instead of spending more time working on achieving it, we spend more time being anxious about the
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things we know we ought to be doing. If I sit here all day, I've got a list. This is my battle planner.
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I've got a list. If I just sit here and I stare at it and you know, even this, if last night I just
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looked at this list thinking, okay, what do I need to do tomorrow? And I just sat here or even thought
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about it. All that does is create anxiety. That's why I don't, after I close out my day, I don't even
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look at the list until the next morning because I don't want to create anxiety. But the best way to get
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over that anxiousness and the frustration of not being where you want to be is by doing the work you need
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to do. There's a great book I'm reading right now suggested by a good friend, Kip Sorensen. He does
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the Wednesday podcast with me. It's called The Gap and the Gain. And we can look at the gap. The gap
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is what we need to achieve, but we also ought to look at the gain. What have you done? And be happy
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that you did something. You know, if you're a hundred pounds overweight, to go back to that previous
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example, and today you went in, you bought a membership, pat yourself on the back. I know in the
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current landscape of self-help, there's a lot of guys who might say, that's not a big deal. You got
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to go bigger. Like, yeah, you will. You can. But right now, pat yourself on the back. If you got up
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45 minutes or an hour earlier this morning to actually go to the gym that you just bought the
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membership to, give yourself a pat on the back. I'm not saying throw yourself a congratulatory party
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every time you do something, but honor it, acknowledge it, recognize it, and build on it.
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Again, action is the antidote to anxiety and frustration. Third, as you're doing these things,
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critique yourself. Not to beat yourself up, not to say you're a loser, not even to identify
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with your performance, good or bad. My oldest son had a lacrosse game earlier this week and they won,
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but it didn't go well. And he was very frustrated with his own personal performance. He didn't put
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it on the team to his credit. He put that on his shoulders. And truthfully speaking, he was right.
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He didn't have a great game. And I talked to him after the game and he was very frustrated.
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He was a little, a little bit of emotional because he, he just puts so much weight on himself. He's a lot
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like me that way. And I told him it's okay to not have a great day. It's okay not to perform the best
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that happens. It's not okay to wrap up your identity in it. It's not okay. Even if you do it
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subconsciously or quiet to call yourself a loser or a piece of crap or any other name that you might call
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yourself, when you temporarily fail, that's not okay to do that. You might have failed, but you're
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not a failure. You might have lost, but you're not a loser. Let's not wrap up our identity. And by the
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way, I don't even think it's a good idea to wrap up your identity in being a winner because sometimes
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winning is beyond our control. You know, I'm talking about obviously competitive sports in this example,
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but even in the business climate, I mean, think about what happened to the economy over the past
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week. I know we've had a slight rebound based on some changes, but if you're wrapping up your
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identity and, and building wealth and you think, well, you know, I'm, I'm amazing because I've built
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wealth. Well, how much wealth was decimated over the past week based on circumstances entirely outside
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of your control. But if you tie up your identity in the end result, man, you're going to feel like
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a loser a lot because there's things that'll happen that you have no control over. Relationships are
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that way. Employment agreements are that way. Politics are that way. Your economic status. Sure.
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You can influence these things. And we've spent 10 years talking about how to be more influential in
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those, in those realms. But a lot of it's just outside of your control. And as I told my son this
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the other night, I said, just figure out what you did wrong and fix it. That's it. Fix it. Just get
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better. You need to take more ground balls. Work on that. You need to work on your checks. Work on that.
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You need to hit the wall with lacrosse. Hit the wall. You need to communicate better. Work on
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communication. Read a book on it. Study. Do it. Ask the coach. Hey coach, here's what I think I did wrong.
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What can I do better? And he'll give you pointers. Find other people. Find mentors. Watch YouTube
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videos. Don't substitute doing work with the research side of it. But research it. Figure it out.
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Critique yourself. Ask other people who are credible to critique you and improve. So that's where,
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you know, we talk about the man in the arena and other people poking and mocking and ridiculing and
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demeaning other people as they're trying to achieve. Drown that out and instead surround
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yourself with people who believe in you. And by the way, the people who believe in you,
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you should want their critique. You should want their honest evaluation of your performance,
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especially if it's, I would say exclusively, if it's credible information.
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But the more you do that, the better you're going to get. And then the fourth element here
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is to take action. Just take more action. Do more. Work smarter. Stay up later. Get up earlier.
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Enlist other people. Outsource. Delegate. Stay focused. Eliminate distractions. Just work.
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Now, this is hard because a lot of things we can't do all the time. Like I, if I wanted to get in
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shape, I can't be at the gym 24-7. I can be there for like an hour to an hour and a half per day.
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Then it's just law of diminishing returns at that point. But what can I do during the day?
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Well, I can hydrate. I can drink the proper amount of fluids. I can eat correctly. I can get sleep and
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recovery. I can make sure I plan and execute my day and stay focused on my task at hand in order to
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reduce cortisol levels, which will help with our hormonal levels, which will help us perform better
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in the gym the next day. There's a thousand things I could do outside of the gym that will still work
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towards that thing. And you need to figure out what those are. You know, you can't call clients all day
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long. At some point, you actually have to do work to service the clients that you have. But what can
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you do? Well, I can ask for referrals. I can serve this client really well. So they want to introduce me to
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other people. I can look for other opportunities. If I'm out and about, I can network and shake hands
00:24:25.020
and get cards and get contacts and make connections. Don't just look at the thing as the only thing you
00:24:31.720
should be doing. Think about how you can build upon that when you're not doing the actual thing.
00:24:36.100
That's how we leverage our time, efforts, energies, and resources. And by the way, when you improve in one
00:24:43.440
aspect of your life, for example, your health, then your relationship will improve. Because now
00:24:49.820
you're going to look better. You're going to feel better. Your stress levels are down. Your heart
00:24:53.880
rate is down. You're not as agitated. You feel good about who you are. You're performing well. Your
00:24:59.080
energy levels are high. You're sleeping right. You're fueling and hydrating correctly. How is that not going
00:25:04.460
to improve your relationship? How's that not going to build intimacy within the walls of your home
00:25:11.220
in your romantic intimacy and then just connections with other people that you love?
00:25:16.480
How is that not going to help you serve your clients better? And the converse is true as well.
00:25:21.940
If you get to work and you've got your to-do list and you crank everything out today and you're
00:25:25.960
hyper-efficient and hyper-focused and you're not distracted and you're making calls and you're
00:25:30.420
connecting and you're doing your work and you're enlisting other people and you're delegating,
00:25:34.540
at the end of the day, when you punch out, how is that not going to help you be more engaged at home?
00:25:40.200
You're not worrying about what you have to do at work. You're not worrying about the tasks or the
00:25:43.560
projects or the assignments. You're not so stressed about money because you're making plenty of it
00:25:47.440
because you're doing a good job. Of course, that's going to help your relationship be better.
00:25:54.060
Do the right things in all of these realms and everything else improves.
00:25:59.300
Guys, you are the man in the arena. Whether you realize it or not, you don't get to absolve yourself
00:26:05.340
from it. You're in it. And you can perform poorly. And if we're going to take that analogy to the nth
00:26:13.600
degree, you can cower in the corner and get yourself slaughtered by another gladiator or,
00:26:19.420
and that gladiator sometimes is just life, just bad stuff that happens. Or you can say,
00:26:24.960
you know what? No, I'm not going to be the guy that cowers, that plays small, that doesn't live to my
00:26:30.800
potential, that isn't worth having around, that doesn't add value to the other people in the arena,
00:26:37.320
in my arena of life. I'm going to go out there. I'm going to exert myself. I'm going to learn new
00:26:42.080
things. I'm going to help other people. I'm going to build confidence. I'm going to take risk and be
00:26:47.260
courageous. I'm going to take action. You know, that courage, confidence, confidence continuum.
00:26:52.680
I'm going to do it all. And I'm going to learn to get over what other people say because it's going
00:26:57.380
to be less relevant to me because of all the good work that I'm doing and all the good I'm doing in
00:27:02.580
the lives of the people that I care about. Guys, if you want another resource on this, I'd encourage
00:27:06.440
you to check out our free resource. It's called the Battle Ready Program. And we talk a lot about the
00:27:11.820
specific actions that you can take when you're in the arena, in realms of life, money, wealth,
00:27:17.300
relationships, um, becoming a man of value, adding value to your community and to your business
00:27:23.420
finances, all of it. Uh, it's a free resource. It's 17 emails that you'll get over a course of 30
00:27:29.200
days. And at the end of 30 days, you'll have a program called the battle plan where you can
00:27:35.020
actually now just implement that on a daily basis and be very consistent and produce very effective
00:27:41.740
and replicatable results. Go to order of man.com slash battle ready. That's order of man.com slash
00:27:48.440
battle ready. Remember guys, you are the man in the arena. It's you out there. You can enlist other
00:27:53.340
people, but you are responsible for you and yours. Make sure you do it right. Guys, we'll be back next
00:27:58.540
week. Until then, go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.
00:28:06.840
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
00:28:11.500
and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.