Order of Man - Managing Expectations, Overcoming an Inferiority Complex, and Eliminating Cover Contracts

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.020 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.480 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.520 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.760 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:25.300 Kip, what's going on, man? Thanks for being a little bit flexible on your schedule today.

00:00:29.040 You're going to hear in my voice. I'm a little under the weather, so we had to change some things around,

00:00:33.680 but I wanted to make sure we got this Ask Me Anything done today so we can have it ready for the guys.

00:00:37.460 We haven't missed a single episode since we started. Four years ago.

00:00:41.420 That's how we roll. Four years ago.

00:00:43.260 Yeah, and you have actually saved my bacon like three times now, specifically.

00:00:48.640 Otherwise, we would have missed some episodes, so I appreciate you, man.

00:00:51.580 Yeah, no.

00:00:52.320 In addition to some other reasons, I appreciate you beyond just saving my bacon a couple of times.

00:00:56.500 For sure. And it's funny that we'll see if you do a better job than me than last week.

00:01:03.280 Because you know how we've talked about this, how we always listen to previous episodes just to kind of critique.

00:01:09.420 Yeah.

00:01:09.760 And I was totally hacking up along a couple of times on that last episode.

00:01:13.860 You were, man.

00:01:14.560 I didn't mute, at least.

00:01:16.640 Well, I'm sure I'll do a better job than you, so I don't think there's much of a question there.

00:01:19.980 It's just kind of a given.

00:01:21.480 That's right.

00:01:22.020 That's right.

00:01:23.800 Well, hey, look, because I'm under the weather, I already told you, guys, I'm not feeling awesome today, but I'm into this thing.

00:01:30.720 So let's do it.

00:01:31.620 Let's just jump right into the questions.

00:01:33.580 For those of you guys who don't know what this is all about, this is our Wednesday show, Ask Me Anything.

00:01:38.860 We get questions from our Facebook group, from our Patreon account, and from the Iron Council.

00:01:45.340 And I think the questions this week are leftover questions from, what, a couple of weeks ago, and they're all Facebook questions, right?

00:01:50.800 That is correct.

00:01:51.680 Sweet.

00:01:52.120 That is correct.

00:01:52.760 So usually we take about 10 minutes leading into the thing before we get to the first question, but where I don't want to be on this call forever, quite honestly.

00:02:00.880 Let's just jump right into this, man.

00:02:02.460 And this might actually be good, because I know the guys are more interested in hearing the answers of the questions than us rambling about who knows what.

00:02:08.860 For sure.

00:02:09.660 And we have to give mad props to the Facebook guys this round, because these questions are solid.

00:02:15.940 These are really good questions.

00:02:17.800 Because sometimes we get a little dicey on the questions, but for the most part, I'd say 90% of our questions are pretty dang good.

00:02:24.740 Yeah.

00:02:25.040 Well, and hopefully I didn't set the expectation really high, and now we go over these questions, everyone listening going, oh, that was a lame question.

00:02:30.300 It's kind of like, have you ever been to a movie, and you just had these high, high expectations for it, and you went, and you're like, oh, it's so disappointing.

00:02:37.460 And then you go to this movie, I remember, gosh, it must have been a couple of months ago now.

00:02:42.860 My wife's like, hey, we're going to go see A Star Is Born.

00:02:47.240 And are you familiar with that movie?

00:02:48.960 Yeah.

00:02:49.260 Yeah.

00:02:49.560 So she's like, we're going to go see this.

00:02:50.800 And I'm like, oh, that sounds stupid.

00:02:52.920 But she planned the date.

00:02:54.920 She was so excited.

00:02:55.940 So I didn't say a thing about it.

00:02:57.100 I was like, hey, that sounds great.

00:02:58.720 And I went just like, oh, just so hesitant about it.

00:03:02.140 But that was a dang good movie.

00:03:03.780 And I don't know if it was because it was a good movie or because my expectations were so low.

00:03:08.040 But I really liked that movie, and we had a good time because I didn't set those expectations up front.

00:03:13.480 Yeah.

00:03:13.720 Well, and that's why when you read the book for a movie and then you go watch the movie, you never enjoy the movie.

00:03:19.020 Because you created expectation, hours and hours of expectation in regards to how it should be played out.

00:03:25.940 And then it ends up failing you.

00:03:27.700 Well, I think this is life, too.

00:03:29.100 You know, there's a lot of people, for example.

00:03:30.480 I just got a message from an in-law who's considering starting a podcast.

00:03:36.720 And I get a lot of questions about that because we do manage a pretty successful podcast.

00:03:41.700 And if you don't have the right set of expectations, it's going to lead to failure.

00:03:47.720 Whether that's starting a podcast or getting into jujitsu or archery or starting a business or anything.

00:03:55.220 If you have misconstrued expectations about what it'll actually take, you're just teeing yourself up for failure.

00:04:02.800 So you've got to manage those expectations for sure.

00:04:05.640 Totally.

00:04:06.100 And when it involves a relationship, then communicate those expectations.

00:04:10.620 Yes.

00:04:11.080 And be clear on that communications.

00:04:13.460 And, you know, we talk about this, about having, what's the term that we use?

00:04:18.220 Like covert contracts.

00:04:19.420 Covert contracts.

00:04:20.220 Yeah.

00:04:20.640 Yeah.

00:04:20.860 Like you have to communicate expectations to even see if they're viable.

00:04:24.420 You know, especially when someone else is involved.

00:04:26.780 Well, and I, we hear that a lot in the Facebook group is guys will say, Hey, me and my wife are struggling with X, Y, and Z.

00:04:31.980 And I might say something like, well, what did she say when you told her that?

00:04:34.860 Well, I haven't talked to her yet because fill in the blank.

00:04:37.100 It's like, well, go talk to her, man.

00:04:39.260 Like you guys are just guessing about what each other is thinking and the assumptions that you're making.

00:04:44.480 So, you know, stop the nonsense and just go communicate.

00:04:48.320 You know, there's so many people who just, who really fail to communicate because they think somebody should understand.

00:04:53.780 Or, and I'm guilty of this, is that I'm so set in my ways.

00:04:58.240 I'm stubborn.

00:04:58.820 A lot of you guys probably know that.

00:05:00.360 I'm so stuck in my ways and frankly, so convicted in my ways that it's hard at times for me to think that anybody else would have a different thought process about any given scenario.

00:05:10.300 I'm like, this is so painfully obvious.

00:05:13.700 This scenario is so clear.

00:05:15.320 The answer is just right there in front of me.

00:05:17.140 How could anybody not see this?

00:05:18.960 And I make these dangerous assumptions that people think just like I do, or they're able to read my mind because this is how everybody thinks, right?

00:05:26.580 Yeah, yeah.

00:05:28.540 And that, this, this principle that we're talking about is, is applicable to, I mean, your expectations going into a project, a venture, communication with the spouse, jobs, expectation responsibilities for, for, with a client.

00:05:47.400 I mean, this is, this is, this raises its head everywhere, this concept.

00:05:53.600 Yeah, for sure.

00:05:54.380 A lot of people ask too, is they'll say things like, you know, if you, I get the, we get these questions like what's, what's the number one skill you should have?

00:06:01.040 Or what's one skill everybody should learn?

00:06:02.920 And I always, always include communication in that list because it is the skill of all skills.

00:06:10.360 It seems like it's, it's hard to think of another skill that permeates so much of our life that, as, as it relates to communication.

00:06:20.920 So yeah, it's definitely, definitely a skill worth developing at all times.

00:06:25.820 Yeah.

00:06:26.000 And we're working on our communication skills before we get into the first question.

00:06:31.060 So here's the first question.

00:06:32.040 All right.

00:06:32.920 All right.

00:06:33.440 Tyler Kellogg, how does a man help his wife with tasks yet not enable her?

00:06:40.660 Hmm.

00:06:41.220 Well, I think this does come back down to communication, right?

00:06:45.360 If we can communicate what, I don't want to say the roles necessarily, but I guess we could use that term like within our household.

00:06:52.280 You define them.

00:06:52.840 Right.

00:06:53.300 My wife and I have specific roles.

00:06:55.060 Now that doesn't mean that we can't step outside of those roles if needed.

00:06:58.060 You know, if I, if I happen to be gone for a couple of days that she can't do some things around the house that I normally do.

00:07:02.920 Or vice versa.

00:07:03.820 If she's out with her girlfriends, you know, that doesn't mean that I can't do the dishes or whatever it may be.

00:07:08.720 But having those clear set expectations, having those clear roles defined really helps in this scenario.

00:07:17.400 And then understanding, you know, that sometimes somebody's going to drop the ball or not even drop the ball, but they have other priorities they need to get to.

00:07:25.260 And so having this open dialogue, one thing that my wife and me and our family, our kids do every single morning is after we get done with reading scriptures and saying our prayer is we just get on the same page with what's going on throughout the day.

00:07:40.040 You know, where, where is she going to be?

00:07:41.940 What kids have, what sports activities or dance recitals, or do I have to go coach a team or we just get on the same page and getting on the same page is so powerful because if there are little things that might get dropped because somebody is doing something else, then we can communicate that.

00:07:57.880 And so it's not me enabling anybody.

00:07:59.800 If I need to go pick up my kids from school where normally maybe my wife would do that, it's not enabling her.

00:08:05.680 It's just assisting in the day-to-day activities of, of running the household.

00:08:09.780 So I think having those communication meetings, getting on the same page, knowing what the expectations are, but then at the same time is like, don't allow boundaries to be crossed.

00:08:20.520 So I'll give you an example.

00:08:21.560 Uh, the other day my wife came down and a lot of you guys are probably going to frown on this, but it is really helpful for us.

00:08:29.760 So she came down into my office in the middle of the day and my office is downstairs and she'd been doing this over the last couple of days.

00:08:36.400 And I said, hon, you know, as politely as I could, I said, you know, we're getting a little loose with you coming in here in the middle of the day.

00:08:43.240 And it keeps me from being able to do my work as effectively or efficiently.

00:08:47.400 And at first she was kind of like put off, like, I'm just coming to say hi, but we agreed on that.

00:08:52.240 You know, if I was in an office somewhere else, that wouldn't be able to happen.

00:08:55.460 And because we agree upon that, we were able to have that conversation.

00:08:59.220 Feelings weren't hurt because we were just meeting those expectations.

00:09:02.300 It allows me to stay busy here.

00:09:03.860 It allows her to do her thing and what she needs to do.

00:09:05.980 And this all comes down to having that communication taken care of handled upfront.

00:09:11.860 And I think that will eliminate a lot of the, uh, the enabling type situations.

00:09:18.140 Uh, another one I think of is this was months and months ago, maybe even a year ago, she came down and she said, Hey, hon, will you take the trash out?

00:09:25.960 And I said, no, I won't take the trash out.

00:09:28.620 It's the middle of the day I'm working.

00:09:30.760 We talked about that.

00:09:31.660 I'm not going to do that during work.

00:09:32.780 I'll do it after work, but I'm not going to do it right now.

00:09:35.840 And so I can't remember if I did it or she did it or whatever else, but we have those boundaries for a reason.

00:09:41.020 And it's so easy to let those boundaries go because you can say, Oh, it's just going to take a minute.

00:09:45.620 It's just going to take a minute.

00:09:46.400 I can go do it real quick, or I don't want her to feel bad.

00:09:49.100 And, and we cross the own, our own boundaries and expectations.

00:09:53.260 And then that creates all sorts of compounding problems down the road.

00:09:56.980 Cause we keep doing it, keep doing it, keep doing it.

00:09:59.120 And what it does is it builds up animosity and resentment because you can't even stick to your own commitments.

00:10:04.820 And you're allowing other people to railroad you as well.

00:10:07.640 So you've got to uphold those boundaries.

00:10:10.520 Yeah.

00:10:11.140 That's a lot.

00:10:11.800 That's great.

00:10:12.080 That's a lot.

00:10:12.780 Is there anything you would add to that?

00:10:15.240 No, no.

00:10:16.220 I mean, the one thought that crossed my mind is, is, and I was going to suggest an example of the enabling portion, but I, I think you covered that in those examples.

00:10:26.160 And I think that's spot on.

00:10:27.400 And I think it really comes down to just maintaining a healthy relationship.

00:10:31.220 It's not about enabling her.

00:10:33.440 It's about being clear in expectations, communications, and making sure that you don't have resentment because that's what happens.

00:10:39.640 Right.

00:10:40.100 In these scenarios where we don't keep those boundaries, what happens is, oh yeah, sure.

00:10:44.500 It's not a big deal, but is it?

00:10:46.420 Yeah.

00:10:47.140 Like for sometimes you'll get pissed off.

00:10:49.940 Right.

00:10:50.400 And then you're not communicating that you're upset about it.

00:10:52.580 Right.

00:10:52.800 It was completely disruptive, you know, and now you're, you're the complete opposite of what we're talking about earlier and having a clear communication.

00:10:59.580 Instead, you're just having these covert, uh, upset sessions and, you know, and opinions and you're not communicating them because you, you didn't stay true to the boundaries in which you established.

00:11:09.960 Right.

00:11:10.320 Right.

00:11:10.720 The other thing I think about on this is let's just think about what that means.

00:11:14.700 What does it mean to enable?

00:11:15.900 It means that you, it's kind of almost like that parable of, of teach a man to fish, right?

00:11:21.740 If you give a man a fish, he'll, he'll eat for a day.

00:11:23.580 You teach a man to fish.

00:11:24.420 He'll, he'll eat for a lifetime.

00:11:25.760 Well, it's the same thing with, with a spouse.

00:11:28.260 So if you're doing something for your spouse, like changing a tire and you are continually doing that because she doesn't know how to do that.

00:11:35.960 Yes.

00:11:36.360 You are enabling her, but if you're doing it because you want to be helpful and you feel like that's your role and you know, she knows how to do it anyways.

00:11:43.180 Cause that's not enabling that's just assisting.

00:11:45.780 Yeah.

00:11:46.260 So there might be even, and it sounds kind of funny when you're talking about a peer and specifically your wife is there might just be some things where you need to teach her how to do those things, whether it's changed the tire or I don't know if it's basic plumbing or electrical or whatever, you know, things that might come up that you're capable of doing, but she doesn't quite know.

00:12:08.480 And that's a good opportunity to show her so that she is more capable of handling those things down the road.

00:12:14.600 Yeah.

00:12:14.940 Yeah.

00:12:15.180 And this goes both ways.

00:12:16.420 I mean, obviously in this example, you know, Tyler's talking about enabling her, but we need to also respect the boundaries established by our spouses and, and do that.

00:12:25.040 And I, and I think there's all kinds of implementate implications of, of this applicable to our kids, obviously, where we enable them all the time and we don't let them suffer the consequences of their actions.

00:12:38.540 We constantly, um, are like kind of an escape code of their bad behavior and, and I mean, it's even something as basic bad behavior.

00:12:47.480 Yeah.

00:12:47.620 Yeah.

00:12:47.760 Yeah.

00:12:48.000 I mean, it's even as basic as tying their shoes when your kid knows how to tie their shoes.

00:12:51.640 Like it's easier for me to tie my kids issues.

00:12:54.260 It's significantly faster and easier for me to say, we gotta go, let me tie your shoes.

00:12:58.820 Then it is to say, no, just take a breather, take a break, figure it out.

00:13:02.460 It's going to take a couple minutes longer, but it's important that you do those types of things, especially with your, your children.

00:13:08.440 Yeah, totally.

00:13:09.060 Well, and a, and a good example of, I mean, not that we need to rail on this question anymore, but you know, I, I'm seeing this right now, uh, at our house where my fortune rolled, um, is struggling waking up and, and getting off to the school bus on time.

00:13:22.380 Right.

00:13:23.340 I, and, and, you know, I had a heart to heart with him yesterday on the way home and I'm like, dude, you got a man up.

00:13:30.340 Yeah.

00:13:30.640 Like, seriously, you are 14, you should care enough about your future.

00:13:36.180 You're old enough to care about your future and your education to ensure that you wake up on time.

00:13:41.800 Right.

00:13:41.960 I'm not going to wake you up anymore.

00:13:43.240 Or give you a ride to school or yeah.

00:13:45.200 Well, we already stopped.

00:13:46.560 I mean, I'm already not doing that.

00:13:48.500 Right.

00:13:48.760 Like I'm just saying a lot of people, if they missed a lot of parents, if a kid misses a school bus, they'll give them a ride to school.

00:13:54.620 Oh, well, why would I want to go to the school bus then?

00:13:56.840 Yeah.

00:13:57.060 I'm beyond that.

00:13:57.860 Right.

00:13:58.020 Yeah.

00:13:58.260 I'm like, I wake you up.

00:13:59.200 You want back to sleep.

00:14:00.140 All right.

00:14:00.640 Go ahead.

00:14:01.220 Yeah.

00:14:01.900 Walk to school.

00:14:02.800 Oh, but now I have to stay after.

00:14:04.180 Oh, that's going to suck walking home too.

00:14:05.680 Right.

00:14:06.340 Right.

00:14:06.660 Like, dude, you got to, you got to learn.

00:14:08.960 You got to learn at this age that you should know better.

00:14:11.700 So, but yeah, good stuff.

00:14:14.120 All right.

00:14:14.560 Next question.

00:14:15.420 Jesse Beddingfield.

00:14:18.300 Do either of you practice yoga and do you feel like it's helpful when training jujitsu?

00:14:23.800 I don't do yoga.

00:14:25.340 I've, I've almost a little bit of a negative tone there.

00:14:29.120 I don't do yoga.

00:14:29.840 No, no, I'm not saying it like that.

00:14:31.080 I think there's value in it.

00:14:32.220 I really do.

00:14:32.900 Um, I've done some yoga sessions and a lot of them are like, ground your feet to the floor

00:14:39.280 and thrust your pelvis so you can feel the chakras of the earth and whatever.

00:14:42.720 And I'm like, I don't, I don't subscribe to that.

00:14:45.400 Like that does absolutely nothing for me.

00:14:48.080 I don't know why, why you can't just call it stretching.

00:14:50.300 Cause that's really just right.

00:14:52.080 It's just stretching.

00:14:53.080 It's dynamic stretching.

00:14:54.300 And I think stretching is important, but I, I'm not going to take even the meditation thing

00:14:59.800 is even hard for me.

00:15:00.620 Like I can't, I just can't wrap my head around sitting down and just like being in silence

00:15:06.620 and folding your legs.

00:15:08.640 And I don't know, it's just weird.

00:15:10.880 It's, it's weird.

00:15:11.880 It's hard for me to wrap my head around.

00:15:13.240 And I know guys are listening to this and they're like, well, you're not doing it right.

00:15:16.200 And this and that.

00:15:16.880 Okay, good.

00:15:17.900 I'm receptive.

00:15:18.620 If you have something that's going to work for me, there is one Dean Pullman's been on

00:15:23.540 the podcast a couple of times, yoga fitness for men.

00:15:26.680 I have his book and it's actually really good because it's not that food food type yoga

00:15:34.320 spirituality stuff.

00:15:35.800 It's dynamic stretching.

00:15:37.000 And that to me is, it maybe it's just semantics, but that to me is more relevant than, than yoga.

00:15:44.800 I love yoga.

00:15:46.200 Do you?

00:15:46.680 Yeah.

00:15:46.900 I love yoga.

00:15:49.700 The original purpose of yoga was actually to prepare the body for meditation.

00:15:56.540 And, and, but the problem is, is like, I don't have a whole hour to prepare to meditate.

00:16:03.200 You know what I'm saying?

00:16:04.420 Like that's a long time.

00:16:06.420 And, and some of the chakra and stuff, like it's not like my thing.

00:16:11.160 But I do like the calmness of it and the clarity of mind.

00:16:16.300 And it is a, I personally feel, I think it's a great workout.

00:16:19.260 I think it's, I mean, those stretches are great for your body.

00:16:22.900 One, one of the, no doubt.

00:16:24.140 I don't doubt that at all.

00:16:25.800 One of the strongest guys I know.

00:16:28.060 Uh, I used to train with him in New York.

00:16:31.080 I used to train with him in New York.

00:16:31.100 He's, he's probably a one 35er.

00:16:33.020 His name's Jason.

00:16:34.520 And, uh, he just did yoga every day.

00:16:36.940 And he was so insanely strong.

00:16:40.660 And I, and I, I, we'd crack her crack a joke or two.

00:16:44.320 Like, dude, how are you so freakishly strong for your size?

00:16:47.220 And, and he was always like, dude, I wasn't always this way.

00:16:49.800 It's yoga.

00:16:50.420 Like he doesn't lift weights or anything.

00:16:52.620 No, all he does is do yoga.

00:16:54.500 Yeah.

00:16:55.380 And he just insane grips and just, he was just really strong.

00:16:58.820 But, but my point being, of course, the stretching helps.

00:17:01.940 Does it help jujitsu for sure?

00:17:04.040 No doubt.

00:17:04.600 Right.

00:17:04.960 Like guys that have the ability to recover guard.

00:17:07.260 It's because of a lot of that is due to flexibility.

00:17:10.560 Well, and one thing I struggle with personally is flexibility in the hips.

00:17:15.040 So even being in guard is, is hard, um, because I can't get my legs to where they need to be

00:17:21.300 to get it.

00:17:21.880 You know what I'm saying?

00:17:22.540 So totally.

00:17:23.480 Yeah.

00:17:23.860 That, that no doubt.

00:17:25.180 Um, but the whole like yoga ambiance or whatever you want to call it culture, maybe culture is

00:17:30.800 the right word is, is just strange for me.

00:17:34.040 I can't wrap my head around it or my chakras, your chakras, whatever that means.

00:17:40.160 Yeah.

00:17:40.640 But I mean, but all in all, I think, I think we're both in agreement beneficial to jujitsu.

00:17:45.800 No doubt.

00:17:46.440 No doubt.

00:17:47.040 I mean, even we had Goggins on the podcast.

00:17:49.200 A lot of you guys know that last week, I think it was last week.

00:17:51.520 And he's, he flat out said that stretching is safe, saved his life and his health because

00:17:58.240 he worked so hard and broke his body down so much that he was having, um, problems in

00:18:04.460 his psoas muscles, which I'm, I'm not entirely sure which, uh, which muscle that is, but it

00:18:08.980 connects the lower body basically to the lower spine.

00:18:11.280 And so it's basically the core of your body, but it was so tight that he had big softball

00:18:18.020 type lumps on his hips.

00:18:19.740 And then he had one on the back of his, his, uh, his head where a spine met a skull and

00:18:25.000 that's where all of his tension was.

00:18:26.360 And I, and I saw it like literally saw it.

00:18:29.040 And he said that stretching is what alleviated a lot of the health problems that he was having

00:18:33.540 because he was just going so hard and he was never getting that stretching in.

00:18:37.700 So there's definite value in it for sure.

00:18:40.180 For sure.

00:18:41.100 Yeah.

00:18:41.420 I had, um, so it was my, what was it?

00:18:45.380 It was my glue.

00:18:46.820 Like my left glute was just shot.

00:18:48.820 This is like a couple of years ago.

00:18:50.220 It was so painful.

00:18:51.280 Like I'd sit in my car, drive for like 30 minutes and then just my back and my left glute

00:18:56.260 would just start hurting, like sharp pain kind of stuff.

00:18:59.600 Went to sports med, you know, they put me on the.

00:19:02.180 Uh, electric, you know, little pads, right.

00:19:05.640 That shock your muscles.

00:19:06.540 And they give me these stretches.

00:19:07.620 And I did that for like five times.

00:19:09.720 And then one of the guys at the gym is like, Hey, you got to meet with this, this guy.

00:19:13.820 He's, uh, what they call a rolfer.

00:19:16.360 He does rolfing.

00:19:17.940 Rolfing.

00:19:19.140 Rolfing.

00:19:19.620 I never heard of this.

00:19:20.400 Think of it as like insane, like insane deep tissue massage.

00:19:25.400 Right.

00:19:25.620 Oh, do they like scrape it with one of those little tools too?

00:19:28.900 No.

00:19:29.220 Okay.

00:19:29.600 No, he, he didn't have the tool, but let's just say.

00:19:32.180 That I was like tapping out when I was, when I was busy with him, I always did so much

00:19:37.380 pain and no joke.

00:19:38.280 I had like fingerprint bruises.

00:19:41.200 Oh wow.

00:19:41.660 Yeah.

00:19:42.300 On my hips.

00:19:43.000 And, and the irony was like, I was at the sports med and they're like, Oh yeah, it's your

00:19:47.500 glute, your glute, your glute.

00:19:48.900 I meet with him and he's like, all right, walk around, check my posture.

00:19:52.620 He's like, yeah, it's your psoas.

00:19:54.160 I'm like, I don't even know what that is.

00:19:56.180 And it's actually like insanely deep into your groin.

00:19:59.520 Yeah.

00:19:59.780 It's like where your hips connect.

00:20:01.160 Right.

00:20:02.120 And, and he just worked me over it.

00:20:04.880 And here's the crazy, this is like voodoo stuff, right?

00:20:08.040 Two hours later, done.

00:20:10.800 Really?

00:20:11.820 Yeah.

00:20:12.660 Isn't that crazy?

00:20:13.320 I never had the pain in my glute and my lower back for years.

00:20:17.840 Wow.

00:20:18.520 There's this term, I think it's called, and if you're a chiropractor, I think you'll probably

00:20:23.260 correct me on this, but I think it's subluxation is what it's called.

00:20:26.660 And if I understand it correctly, it's where you might have a problem in a portion of your

00:20:31.840 body, but it's manifesting itself in another portion of your body.

00:20:35.620 Totally.

00:20:35.980 So the, the thing I think of is, is the phrase, I think we've all heard it is like the problem

00:20:41.580 is rarely the problem.

00:20:43.320 Yeah.

00:20:43.920 Right.

00:20:44.180 Like we might manifest, and this is not just in the body, but this is the result of a

00:20:48.100 problem.

00:20:48.620 That's right.

00:20:49.140 And so what do we do?

00:20:50.040 Most of the time we put a bandaid on what we believe is the problem.

00:20:53.560 And yet the root of it, in this case, you're so as muscle, uh, or in a marriage, it's, it's

00:20:59.360 not the fight you got about argument you got in about the TV show you wanted to watch.

00:21:03.460 It's all the other stuff that led up to it, the animosity or lack of communication.

00:21:06.580 That's the actual problem.

00:21:07.780 Right.

00:21:08.580 So it's really, really important to get down to the root of things and not just address

00:21:12.680 the, the symptom of the problem, if you will.

00:21:15.540 So yeah, I, I think there's value in it, but I haven't gotten into the quote unquote

00:21:19.500 yoga thing.

00:21:20.460 Yeah.

00:21:20.960 I love what you just said because how much, uh, political issues and social issues are

00:21:27.460 even seen that way.

00:21:28.480 Yeah.

00:21:28.920 Where we say, Oh, that's the problem.

00:21:30.720 No, no, no.

00:21:31.100 That's the result of a much bigger issue.

00:21:34.380 That's more complex.

00:21:35.580 Right.

00:21:35.880 I am so tired.

00:21:37.100 I'm going to totally get on a sub box.

00:21:38.240 I am so tired of everyone simplifying everything.

00:21:42.480 It is not so simple.

00:21:44.200 And, and there's way more to every damn story.

00:21:47.000 Like it's every single time.

00:21:49.080 Like I was, I was talking to my son about this is like, we're talking about feminism

00:21:52.420 and masculinity and wage gaps and whatnot.

00:21:55.960 And I, and, and really what I, my point that I was trying to make to him is there is always

00:22:01.620 more to the story.

00:22:02.680 The reality of it is everyone regurgitates bullshit that they hear.

00:22:06.600 Yeah.

00:22:07.140 Especially in social media.

00:22:08.620 Yeah.

00:22:09.100 I heard some news and they regurgitate it.

00:22:11.100 Well, did you read the ports?

00:22:12.620 Did you see the raw data that generated for that statistic to be true?

00:22:16.200 What other evidence or what other details are undermining?

00:22:19.380 Like there is so much more detail to everything and we need to be a little bit slower to like

00:22:25.140 minimalize and simpleize things and place judgment when we are naive and ignorant about

00:22:30.060 a situation.

00:22:31.060 That's a good point.

00:22:31.660 Everybody thinks they're an expert, right?

00:22:33.120 I mean, so do we, we're doing to ask me anything, but, but everybody thinks they're an

00:22:38.660 expert.

00:22:39.240 And I even think about not to get too political here, but, uh, the wall and the government

00:22:44.600 shutdown, I mean, do we honestly believe that this is a debate about a wall?

00:22:48.960 That's a power play, right?

00:22:50.340 It's a power play.

00:22:51.080 It goes so much deeper than spending just a drop in the bucket.

00:22:55.760 And I know it sounds crazy when we're talking about $5 billion, but a drop in the bucket,

00:22:59.760 uh, with regards to our, our budget, it's not about that.

00:23:03.940 It goes so much deeper.

00:23:05.380 There's something more.

00:23:06.200 We got to address the real problems.

00:23:07.940 Yeah.

00:23:08.480 And it's about more about demonizing one another and making other people look wrong and placing

00:23:12.920 blame.

00:23:13.460 And then, you know, there's just so much more.

00:23:15.060 Yeah.

00:23:15.620 Yeah.

00:23:16.040 And there's so much more about the border, right?

00:23:17.840 I have a good friend that's a works in Yuma as a border patrol agent.

00:23:22.140 Well, don't you think that's a pretty good resource to tap into and figure out what is actually

00:23:26.360 happening down there?

00:23:27.200 Dude, when I talk to him, I am shocked.

00:23:30.440 I am shocked what happens at the border.

00:23:33.020 I'm like, are you joking?

00:23:35.360 Like, it's like a, almost like a war zone down there and it's nuts.

00:23:40.020 Right.

00:23:40.380 But that's not, that's one of the, one of the angles, right.

00:23:43.580 That we don't see often.

00:23:44.800 Sure.

00:23:45.060 Right.

00:23:45.340 So it's a good example of that.

00:23:46.720 All right, dude, we need to be, I, I need to stop chatting.

00:23:49.420 All right.

00:23:50.040 George Sykes.

00:23:51.380 George has a great question here.

00:23:52.500 He says, has, has either of you been codependent in your lives?

00:23:56.760 And, uh, George being the man he is kind of gives us the definition of codependency.

00:24:01.080 And I, and I think it's what's, what's share it, uh, before you answer the question.

00:24:04.480 Cause I think it kind of sets the tone for it.

00:24:06.120 So codependency is a controversial concept for dysfunctional helping, uh, helping relationship

00:24:12.060 where one person supports or, or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity,

00:24:18.760 irresponsibility, or underachievement among the core characteristics of codependency.

00:24:23.960 The most common theme is excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of

00:24:28.520 identity.

00:24:30.360 Yeah.

00:24:30.840 The short answer is yes, absolutely.

00:24:33.480 I mean, a lot of you guys know about my separation with my wife, uh, which was gosh,

00:24:39.080 about 10 years ago now.

00:24:40.380 And prior to us being able to, to salvage and reconcile, uh, I was very codependent on her.

00:24:47.440 I was relying upon her to, to provide all the, uh, emotional and mental support for everything

00:24:52.700 that I was doing.

00:24:53.400 I was going through a stressful time, trying to get the business up and running the financial

00:24:57.040 planning practice.

00:24:57.780 And, um, I was very unsure.

00:25:00.220 I lacked a lot of confidence.

00:25:01.580 I think a lot of that stemmed from, from not having a father figure in my life growing up.

00:25:05.600 Uh, and, and so I, for a long time, even into my childhood that I specifically remember,

00:25:11.260 uh, really wanting to be accepted by people, you know, and, and, and going out of my way and

00:25:18.480 bending over backwards at the expense of my own wellbeing to please other people so that they

00:25:24.140 would accept me.

00:25:25.520 And I did this with my wife and essentially I ended up becoming a puppy dog, frankly.

00:25:31.540 And so as I became more and more codependent on her, I, she wasn't attracted to that.

00:25:37.720 That might be cute for a little, for a very short period of time, but eventually a woman

00:25:43.340 is going to be completely repelled and repulsed by that behavior.

00:25:48.160 And I think that's a lot of what drove the wedge between her and I, and even into our

00:25:55.480 separation, I blamed a lot of, uh, the, the actual separation on her.

00:26:00.440 How could she do this to me?

00:26:01.920 I was doing all the things that I should have been doing and I was trying to get a business

00:26:05.280 going and I really took it as a personal rejection.

00:26:09.280 Now, looking back on it, it was a rejection for sure.

00:26:12.120 Let's not sugarcoat that.

00:26:13.640 But the reason it was, is because I was so dependent on her and she was drained, man,

00:26:20.140 physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

00:26:22.980 She was drained because what I was asking her to do essentially is to provide the energy

00:26:30.500 in the relationship for herself and for me, because I wasn't providing it.

00:26:35.580 I was relying upon her and I burned her out.

00:26:37.700 So a lot of guys will say, Oh, my wife said she's not attracted to me anymore.

00:26:41.500 Or she doesn't love me anymore.

00:26:42.660 Or the, the spark is not there.

00:26:44.820 Yeah, man, you extinguished that because you sucked up all of the resources and all of

00:26:51.200 the energy and all of the fuel, and you didn't provide any of it for yourself.

00:26:56.200 So long story short, what I realized, and this wasn't overnight, but what I realized through

00:27:01.940 a series of events and we can talk about this at different times is that I need to be able

00:27:06.100 to stand on my own two feet.

00:27:08.500 I need to be able to find some energy for myself.

00:27:11.800 And so as I began to do this and I built up my band of brothers and I started to get in

00:27:17.160 shape and I, and I was exercising and I had some, some goals and aspirations and some ambitions

00:27:22.500 outside of what was happening within our relationship.

00:27:24.940 She kind of turned in like, Whoa, I'm, I'm attracted to this.

00:27:29.700 I'm fascinated by who Ryan is becoming because now she realizes, Oh, this is a guy who has

00:27:35.080 energy.

00:27:36.080 This is a guy who can help, who can actually provide and bring something into the relationship.

00:27:40.940 So codependency, man, it's a real problem.

00:27:43.340 It's going to create all sorts of problems.

00:27:45.400 Um, two, uh, two great books.

00:27:48.400 We've had both of the authors on, on the podcast, no more, Mr. Nice guy by Robert Glover

00:27:54.220 and, um, not nice by Dr. Aziz Ghazipura, I believe is his last name.

00:28:00.380 Dr. Aziz is what he goes by, uh, called not nice, but yeah, I would definitely recommend

00:28:04.640 both of those books because we, we really have to be careful of being dependent specifically

00:28:09.900 on our significant others.

00:28:11.120 It's, it's a real problem that a lot of guys are dealing with.

00:28:14.060 Yeah, for sure.

00:28:15.000 And to answer your question as well, George, um, same scenario.

00:28:19.600 I mean, I think that was at the very center of my divorce was the same concept that my

00:28:24.520 happiness, my self-worth, everything was, uh, put on her.

00:28:29.280 And I was kind of like, Oh, well I'm not worth it.

00:28:32.260 And it's cause she's not giving me the satisfaction or she's not a re reassuring that she loves

00:28:37.340 me.

00:28:37.580 And you know what I mean?

00:28:38.260 It was, it was horrible, highly, uh, highly toxic, right.

00:28:42.240 And an unfair, it was too much for anybody, any, anybody, man or woman to bear to have

00:28:48.160 to provide the energy for another person.

00:28:50.080 Totally.

00:28:50.680 Now here's an interesting thought, Ryan, and I want to get your thoughts on this is, you

00:28:55.580 know, I I've seen this, I've seen this a couple of guys in the IC and what happens is especially

00:29:01.620 single guys is these single guys will, will get in the iron council.

00:29:05.740 They'll, uh, start working on their sovereignty, which is almost like the opposite of being

00:29:11.180 codependent.

00:29:11.820 Yeah.

00:29:12.660 They'll, they'll put themselves first, you know, focus on growing themselves and then

00:29:16.520 they get in a relationship and they think that codependency is what that woman wants.

00:29:23.880 And in fact, I think there's a little bit of a dichotomy here where some women would actually

00:29:29.580 even say some behavior that they are seeking is codependent almost like subconsciously, like

00:29:37.320 they see that as a good thing.

00:29:39.360 Well, these are probably codependent women too.

00:29:41.920 Yeah.

00:29:42.480 But, but I see these guys that go codependent and then all of a sudden like, oh, the relationship's

00:29:46.360 going south.

00:29:46.900 It's like, dude, it's because you threw everything into the relationship.

00:29:50.140 You, you stopped working out, you stopped growing personally, stopped hanging out with

00:29:54.820 your friends.

00:29:55.600 Yeah.

00:29:55.940 You made the entire world about her and we think that's what they want.

00:30:00.280 When in reality, even those that are codependent, I think are, don't really want it.

00:30:04.720 Like they may say they do, but they really don't.

00:30:06.720 Well, like I said, they may want it for a minute.

00:30:09.200 Yeah.

00:30:09.680 And they may want it cause they like the, who doesn't like the attention?

00:30:12.440 Come on, let's be real.

00:30:13.080 Yeah.

00:30:13.720 Yeah.

00:30:14.080 But at, at, at some point it's like, oh, please leave me alone.

00:30:17.920 It's overbearing.

00:30:18.840 Yeah.

00:30:19.040 It's just too much.

00:30:20.820 So yeah, I think a lot of guys do that.

00:30:23.660 They get rid of their friends, they get rid of their hobbies and, and they make the woman

00:30:28.020 the center of their universe.

00:30:29.220 Who should be the center of your universe?

00:30:30.940 You should, you should, you should be the center of your own universe.

00:30:35.260 And yeah, you know what?

00:30:36.600 Sometimes that means being a little selfish.

00:30:39.140 Sometimes that means, Hey hon, I'm going to go out with the guys tonight.

00:30:43.100 And if you need some help around here before I leave, I'm happy to do that, but I'm out.

00:30:47.600 But then also supporting her and doing that too.

00:30:50.060 And my wife goes out with her girlfriends and they, they play bunco and they go on dates

00:30:54.700 and do their thing or whatever.

00:30:55.600 But, but I support that fully.

00:30:58.260 I want her to be able to go do that because I want to be able to do it.

00:31:00.880 And I know she comes back a better woman, more engaged, more energetic.

00:31:04.120 And I come back more engaged and more energetic when I'm able to provide my own energy, bring

00:31:09.340 my own energy to the relationship.

00:31:11.220 Yeah.

00:31:12.500 Good question, George.

00:31:13.840 Yeah.

00:31:13.980 That's what some, a lot of guys are dealing with for sure.

00:31:16.940 Yeah.

00:31:17.220 Chase Saxton.

00:31:18.380 How does a man measure his level of success in three main areas, protect, provide, and

00:31:23.220 preside?

00:31:25.540 So how would you measure?

00:31:27.280 Well, I mean, there's, gosh, there's so many metrics.

00:31:29.540 Let's just talk about the provide one.

00:31:31.300 Cause that's, that can be fairly easy.

00:31:33.400 I mean, just look at your income.

00:31:34.340 Yeah.

00:31:35.100 Yeah.

00:31:35.380 Look at your debt, look at your income, look at your financial situation.

00:31:39.260 It's pretty easy.

00:31:40.440 Are you, are you stacking up?

00:31:41.820 Are you paying your bills?

00:31:42.980 Are you living an enhanced life?

00:31:44.840 If you're not, well, okay.

00:31:45.800 You got some, you got some room for improvement.

00:31:47.680 Maybe that's a new designation or a new job or a second job in some cases, or getting the

00:31:51.920 debt paid off or whatever, whatever it is you have to do.

00:31:54.220 But I think that's pretty easy.

00:31:55.760 Yeah.

00:31:55.900 And if you, and if you are providing well, then I think the next level to that, right,

00:32:00.920 is savings and investments, you know, food storage, those kinds of things.

00:32:05.380 It's almost like a Maslow's hierarchy of needs, right?

00:32:09.180 Totally.

00:32:09.700 Yeah.

00:32:09.980 And we're just isolating to the financial component right now, but yeah, there's some

00:32:13.220 certain things you got to take.

00:32:14.260 You got to have enough cashflow to come in.

00:32:16.240 Like if you don't have cashflow coming in, that's the blood, right?

00:32:19.100 If you don't have that coming in, nothing else matters.

00:32:21.600 So you got to get that cashflow coming in.

00:32:23.360 You got to minimize cashflow going out.

00:32:25.560 And then yeah, you can worry about investments in food storage and all that kind of stuff.

00:32:30.860 That's, that's provide, obviously there's other provision.

00:32:33.160 I mean, there's, there's a mental provision and emotional support and love and guidance

00:32:38.060 and all of that.

00:32:38.740 That's the kind of stuff that frankly, you can do an inventory with your family.

00:32:42.940 Just go inventory with your kids.

00:32:44.600 Hey guys, I wanted to ask you some questions.

00:32:47.100 If you don't mind, do this at dinner, make it really like, it doesn't need to be formal.

00:32:50.800 Just do this at dinner.

00:32:51.520 Say, Hey, what do you guys think about the way that I'm fathering?

00:32:55.920 What a powerful question, man.

00:32:57.800 It's like, what do I do really well?

00:32:59.420 Excuse me, really well.

00:33:01.340 And they'll tell you, okay, well, what are some ways that I need to improve?

00:33:04.600 Don't defend it.

00:33:05.300 Just say, oh, okay.

00:33:06.120 Well, I didn't know that.

00:33:06.900 That's because you're going to find out a lot.

00:33:09.320 And you'll be tempted to defend it.

00:33:10.800 So just shut up.

00:33:11.720 Yeah.

00:33:12.120 Not only will you be tempted, like you will be like, it'll just be eating at you.

00:33:16.600 Just shut up and listen.

00:33:18.060 Cause your perspective doesn't matter right now.

00:33:20.340 You're asking for their perception.

00:33:21.680 So take it, absorb it, learn from it, grow.

00:33:26.080 So that's, that's, that's the, sorry, my mind's escaped.

00:33:31.020 Preside a little bit.

00:33:31.620 Preside.

00:33:31.820 Yes.

00:33:32.120 No, no, provide.

00:33:33.680 Right.

00:33:34.400 Yeah.

00:33:34.580 I guess it could fall into that as well.

00:33:35.980 I think this cold is starting to get to me.

00:33:38.360 The protect component, physical fitness, man.

00:33:42.300 How much body fat do you have?

00:33:44.320 How strong are you?

00:33:45.460 How fast can you run, uh, a mile, uh, do you know how to defend yourself?

00:33:52.300 Are you in some sort of martial arts?

00:33:54.140 Uh, do you know how to handle yourself around a firearm?

00:33:57.040 These are all little metrics that you can use to really improve yourself.

00:34:01.500 Have you been through any tactical courses for situational awareness or emergency training,

00:34:06.860 medical supplies and training?

00:34:08.620 These are all metrics that you can improve in order to help you be a better, uh, protector

00:34:13.240 and then preside leadership.

00:34:15.240 I think we kind of touched on that.

00:34:16.540 You're right.

00:34:16.940 That is a little bit of a crossover and asking how you're leading and are you being effective?

00:34:20.920 And if you're looking at work, for example, let's say you're a team leader or a manager

00:34:25.040 or, or the employer, uh, how productive is the team?

00:34:28.740 Are people growing?

00:34:29.740 Are people learning?

00:34:30.460 Are they being more productive?

00:34:31.660 Is the, are the numbers moving in the right direction or the wrong direction?

00:34:35.300 These are all little metrics that you can look at and they're going to be different

00:34:38.900 for everybody, right?

00:34:40.180 Everybody's going to look at them differently, but I think the more that we can codify or

00:34:44.760 or maybe even gamify the system a little bit.

00:34:47.520 And that's why the 12 week battle planner is so important because it puts a, it puts

00:34:51.700 a system in a process to something that might be hard to quantify.

00:34:57.240 Like, how do you, cause I know a lot of guys, for example, say, I just want to be a good

00:35:00.540 husband and father.

00:35:01.320 Cool.

00:35:01.660 I think that's worthy.

00:35:03.080 What the hell does that even mean?

00:35:05.400 Yeah.

00:35:05.780 When we get into the 12 week battle planner and we're not talking about, I want to be

00:35:08.760 a better dad because everybody wants to be that, but we're talking about, okay, what

00:35:11.860 does that mean?

00:35:13.260 What does that look like?

00:35:14.240 What does that look like?

00:35:14.940 What does that feel like?

00:35:16.000 Yeah.

00:35:16.160 What are you doing?

00:35:17.120 What are your tactics every single day that are helping you become that quote unquote,

00:35:20.780 better dad.

00:35:21.260 So you've got to spend a little time thinking about what it is, but the metrics are everywhere.

00:35:26.240 They're everywhere.

00:35:27.120 You just have to look at them, track them.

00:35:28.980 And, uh, you'll see those things improve.

00:35:30.960 What gets measured gets improved.

00:35:32.720 Yeah.

00:35:33.200 And I think chase the, the level of success is being on the path and improving.

00:35:38.860 I don't think there's, there's each of these areas is forever improving, right?

00:35:44.260 Like I could feel decent about protect, but is there more I could do?

00:35:47.940 Yeah, for sure.

00:35:48.860 Is there more I could do provide?

00:35:50.020 Yeah, there is, you're like all of these areas is, is a continuous path of improvement.

00:35:55.880 And there is no, like I I've graduated, right?

00:35:59.260 Well, I would say maybe, maybe there is a graduation.

00:36:02.560 I kind of think of jujitsu in this manner.

00:36:05.340 You're never at the top of your game, but there are advancements certainly.

00:36:09.820 Yeah.

00:36:10.260 And those are, those advancements are really, really important because they're a signifier

00:36:13.820 that you're improving, that you are getting there.

00:36:15.580 Very literally, quite literally a visual representation of improvement of effort and progress and growth

00:36:22.520 and expansion.

00:36:23.920 Those things are very, very powerful.

00:36:25.620 So, so allow yourself to graduate, but know that it's like when somebody says they're full potential,

00:36:31.660 it's like, what does that even mean?

00:36:33.320 I don't even know if that's possible because when we hit some measure of potential or growth,

00:36:38.880 it's a moving target.

00:36:40.380 It expands.

00:36:41.260 So I don't know if anybody could ever reach their full potential.

00:36:45.700 Yeah.

00:36:46.360 I love it.

00:36:47.100 It's a good question.

00:36:47.740 I like that one.

00:36:48.420 All right.

00:36:48.980 Ryan Gillette having trouble with three-year-old daughter.

00:36:52.020 She can be defiant, disrespectful, and is talking back.

00:36:54.880 We have stepped back and looked at how we talk to her and to each other, and it is not a learned.

00:36:59.880 We feel like it is not a learned behavior from us.

00:37:02.620 We have tried timeout, spanking, taking away favorite toys, none of which seem to work.

00:37:07.780 Now to my question.

00:37:08.840 I know you have both have children, and this is just a three-year-old.

00:37:12.600 Is this just a three-year-old phase that is going to go away?

00:37:16.420 Have you experienced this?

00:37:17.560 And if so, what methods work for you in correcting this behavior?

00:37:21.200 You know, I've actually thought a lot about this because I have a five-year-old who sounds

00:37:24.480 a lot like this, and she is a fireball.

00:37:28.660 Like she's just sassy and a fireball and has attitude.

00:37:31.460 And it's funny, man, everywhere she goes, whether it's the football game or the basketball

00:37:35.860 game for her brothers, or we're going to the mall or the park.

00:37:38.840 I don't know how she does it, but she always finds two or three little girls and they form

00:37:43.140 a little posse and she's always the leader of the posse.

00:37:46.160 Like it's funny, you know, she's marching around and they're following her.

00:37:49.040 And, and, and I kind of, I've got to ask here, Ryan is what you're recognizing.

00:37:53.420 Was it in his daughter or son?

00:37:55.000 Did you say his daughter, three-year-old daughter?

00:37:56.700 I've got to ask if what you're identifying, is it a bad thing?

00:38:02.300 Like, think about this for a second.

00:38:04.120 You're, you're immediately thinking it's wrong and I've been there too.

00:38:08.460 Yeah.

00:38:08.900 But what if it isn't wrong?

00:38:10.840 What if this is actually something that's very powerful that will serve her well throughout

00:38:16.480 her life?

00:38:17.360 And more importantly than that, how could you begin to harness it?

00:38:22.340 How could you begin to allow her to explore these personality traits in a constructive

00:38:28.820 manner?

00:38:29.260 So maybe, maybe, maybe she's fighting for authority.

00:38:33.760 Why not give her some authority?

00:38:36.100 Now she's three.

00:38:37.180 How much could you possibly give her?

00:38:38.520 But could you give her authority over her room?

00:38:40.920 Absolutely.

00:38:42.140 Could you give her authority over clothes that she wants to wear?

00:38:45.980 Sure.

00:38:46.920 Why not?

00:38:48.140 There's things that you could, maybe even dinner is like, Hey, on Tuesday nights, you decide

00:38:52.560 what's for dinner and you help us cook.

00:38:53.960 Maybe, maybe what she's exhibiting is potential leadership.

00:38:57.680 And if we try to squash it and tell her that she shouldn't do this, are we, are we crushing

00:39:04.840 potential leadership instead of learning how to harness it and develop it?

00:39:08.660 Now, sure.

00:39:09.700 There's gotta be parameters, but that's why I think it's okay to let her explore that a

00:39:14.220 little bit in a set of parameters so that she begins to see how to utilize this in a

00:39:19.780 healthy way and not a destructive way.

00:39:22.740 Yeah.

00:39:23.360 I love that.

00:39:24.120 I was, I was reading a book years back.

00:39:26.440 I wish I could reference the author, but he was saying as a parent, what you, you kids

00:39:32.320 with strong personalities, the worst thing you can do is crush their spirit.

00:39:38.180 Like it is better that your child is defiant and has a strong spirit, right?

00:39:45.040 And, and gets after it when they're older or whatever, then you just crush them into defiant

00:39:51.420 or into like submission.

00:39:52.980 Yeah.

00:39:53.720 Like, what does that look like as an adult?

00:39:56.260 Right.

00:39:56.780 And now it's, or a teenager who wants to rebel because you've been squashing them under your

00:40:00.900 thumb for the last 15 years.

00:40:02.380 Yeah.

00:40:02.660 Now, is it easier to deal with the submissive one?

00:40:05.560 For sure, no doubt, but maybe not the best.

00:40:09.340 And, and I have a permanent example of, of this Ryan is my, my five-year-old.

00:40:13.940 Now, um, we've done this a couple of times where I let her be the boss for the day.

00:40:19.220 Yeah.

00:40:20.180 And I just, I tell her, Oh, today's Kulani is the boss.

00:40:23.200 And she's just, yeah, I'm the boss.

00:40:25.120 You know, and obviously she's not having us quote unquote, she's not, um, it's within

00:40:31.480 parameters.

00:40:32.320 Yeah.

00:40:32.740 Yeah.

00:40:32.940 She's not practicing unrighteous, you know, for us and it's super cute.

00:40:37.760 And I kind of guide her, but, but it's in, it's empowering her, you know, because she's

00:40:43.900 the baby, right.

00:40:44.700 Or was the baby.

00:40:45.460 And so she had this kind of this feeling like, man, I'm never the boss.

00:40:48.520 And I'm like, okay, well, guess what?

00:40:50.460 You get to be the boss tomorrow.

00:40:51.800 Yeah.

00:40:52.660 And I let her decide what we're doing.

00:40:54.360 And I give her choices of what we're going to eat and, you know, and, and let her taste

00:40:58.880 that leadership a little bit.

00:41:00.060 Man, I think that's, I mean, one small example that we, we do is on a, on a hike or something,

00:41:06.320 you know, we'll all go as a family on a hike and I'll put my, my, my son out front and I'll

00:41:10.820 say, Hey, you lead us.

00:41:12.040 Okay.

00:41:12.140 You're leading us right now.

00:41:13.080 And we'll get to a fork in the road and he'll say, I don't know which way should we go?

00:41:15.700 I'm like, I'm following you, man, your pick.

00:41:18.800 And he'll pick a road and I'll know it's wrong.

00:41:20.620 Cause I'll know it leads to a dead end.

00:41:21.900 And I won't say a thing because it's not my place at that moment.

00:41:25.700 And he'll go, and it's like, Oh man, dead end.

00:41:27.420 What should we do?

00:41:27.880 I'm like, I don't know.

00:41:28.420 What should we do?

00:41:28.900 He's like, well, let's just turn around and go the other way.

00:41:31.020 Okay, cool.

00:41:31.840 Sounds good.

00:41:32.740 These are all opportunities.

00:41:34.380 Excuse me.

00:41:34.820 I'm losing my voice here.

00:41:35.800 These are all opportunities to allow them to experience some of that, some of that leadership

00:41:40.180 opportunity, and then also take this personality and use it in a constructive manner.

00:41:47.860 One of the things that we hear a lot about, this is being thrown around so much is this

00:41:51.640 idea of toxic masculinity, right?

00:41:54.640 I don't, I don't subscribe to the term.

00:41:56.660 If you guys listen to my last Friday field notes, you can go back and listen to it.

00:41:59.520 I don't subscribe to it because it's, it's so, it's so mixed up with what other things

00:42:05.100 mean.

00:42:05.480 And do you mean that some masculinity is toxic or some behavior?

00:42:09.400 Do you mean all masculinity is toxic and nobody knows what the hell anybody's talking about

00:42:13.340 when they use the term?

00:42:13.960 So I don't use the term, but what I will acknowledge is, is undeveloped masculinity.

00:42:19.200 So I'll look at my boys, for example.

00:42:21.300 Um, and, and my boys will be maybe the roughhousing in the house, or, you know, maybe they're outside

00:42:27.540 and they're being a little destructive now.

00:42:29.280 Is that toxic?

00:42:30.160 No, I don't think it's toxic, but there are certainly better outlets.

00:42:33.900 So how can I teach them to utilize the raw aggression and the violence when they're rolling

00:42:39.500 around and harness it in a way that's going to serve them and other people?

00:42:43.280 How can I take a little boy who want my son?

00:42:47.160 He buys these cars.

00:42:48.500 So he earns money and he buys these cars and these cars are like, they're little, the

00:42:52.280 little metal ones.

00:42:53.220 They're probably like six to eight inches long.

00:42:55.720 And they're like little replicas.

00:42:57.340 You know what I'm talking about?

00:42:58.880 Yeah.

00:42:59.340 Yeah.

00:42:59.600 So he takes these and it'll happen for like two days.

00:43:02.080 And he's like, dad, can I throw this against the wall?

00:43:05.220 And I'm like, no, what the hell is wrong with you?

00:43:08.840 I'm like, why do you want to throw it against the wall?

00:43:10.560 I just thought he was being destructive.

00:43:12.180 So I talked to him about it and he's like, oh, I just throw it against the wall.

00:43:15.780 Cause it comes apart and I can see how it moves.

00:43:18.300 I'm like, oh, okay.

00:43:19.260 Well, he's not interested in being destructive.

00:43:21.920 He's interested in seeing how the thing works.

00:43:23.980 But you had to ask him.

00:43:25.800 But I had to ask him.

00:43:26.520 I wouldn't have known that otherwise.

00:43:27.860 So now we find cars that he can actually take apart, get a little screwdriver, take these

00:43:32.520 little components apart, put them back together.

00:43:34.440 Now he's not being quote unquote destructive.

00:43:37.320 He's actually being constructive.

00:43:39.020 He's learning.

00:43:39.640 He's growing.

00:43:40.140 He's developing.

00:43:41.160 So it's not toxic.

00:43:42.820 It's undeveloped.

00:43:43.860 And I think for Ryan, this is the same thing that's happening potentially with his daughter

00:43:47.760 is how do you take this behavior that you could look at as negative and harness it in

00:43:53.720 a way that will actually be productive?

00:43:58.220 Cool.

00:43:58.620 John Wells, either of you have any experience with foster adoption family situations, new

00:44:06.040 territory for us.

00:44:07.360 I imagine blended family tactics apply practices that my wife and I should add or things to

00:44:13.340 look out for.

00:44:14.660 Um, I think you're probably more qualified to talk about this where you, where, you know

00:44:19.320 what I mean?

00:44:19.640 Like, cause I don't have, I know both of us don't have foster situations, but I don't

00:44:25.120 even have the slightest idea.

00:44:27.580 Yeah.

00:44:28.020 I have good examples.

00:44:29.600 I don't know if I, if I quote unquote have the idea, but let me just share a little bit.

00:44:35.160 So my wife's mom and dad, uh, were both adopted and, um, and their family 100%.

00:44:47.520 It's not, it's not, Oh, my adopted sister or my adopted dad or my, my biological or anything.

00:44:54.400 It is mom, it is dad, it is brother, it is sister, it is grandpa, it is grandma, it is

00:44:59.940 family.

00:45:01.360 And, um, and those examples in my life are amazing.

00:45:06.840 Like we, we have family dinner.

00:45:10.300 Um, this is not related to adoption per se, but we have roughly, we have family gets together

00:45:16.680 every Sunday and it's with divorced parents and their spouses.

00:45:23.160 And they all come together and they have dinner together on a regular basis.

00:45:27.740 I've had them spend the night in my house with their exes, like on Christmas Eve.

00:45:33.620 Really?

00:45:34.580 Yeah.

00:45:35.180 That's how close this family is.

00:45:38.320 And it, and I don't think it's like, Oh, well the, the exes love each other.

00:45:42.100 No, no, no.

00:45:42.920 It is.

00:45:43.340 That's how important family is.

00:45:44.840 And they've made it a priority and, and their grandkids have reached, uh, have reaped the

00:45:50.580 result of their maturity because they see no different in the matter.

00:45:55.560 So they are just amazing, just amazing.

00:45:58.720 And like my wife's mom, her adopted family here is she, so she, her, she's from Hawaii

00:46:04.860 and she was adopted from a family here in Utah.

00:46:07.880 And it's crazy.

00:46:10.140 Like I remember the first time, um, I met them right after we were dating and we got married

00:46:16.300 and I was shocked like how much it was not, it, they treated her just like their sister.

00:46:24.160 It was no different.

00:46:25.340 It was no different.

00:46:26.760 And you would, you would, I mean, other than the fact that they didn't even look the same,

00:46:30.740 you would never guess any different.

00:46:34.220 And so the only thing I could think, or, you know, coming into your, your question, John

00:46:39.740 is, is really just don't make it any different whether foster, whether adopted, whether step

00:46:44.840 or whether biological, like family's family and, and then make sure that they know that.

00:46:50.980 And Kip, how many, um, stepchildren do you have?

00:46:54.160 I have one step that's your stepson is your, okay, correct.

00:46:58.160 And then my two older boys are step sons to my, my wife.

00:47:00.880 Right.

00:47:01.200 And you don't even use the term stepson.

00:47:04.760 No, I, it, I makes me cringe a little bit.

00:47:07.900 Right.

00:47:08.440 I remember you talking about that a couple of months ago and that was interesting to me.

00:47:12.500 Um, yeah, that it is, it's not a stepson.

00:47:15.700 It's your son.

00:47:16.780 Yeah.

00:47:17.240 And we don't, and we never say that like, we don't even communicate that way.

00:47:21.560 Like when someone's like, Oh, whose kids are, you know, whatever, where it's like, Oh,

00:47:24.580 that's our son.

00:47:25.220 Kyavi.

00:47:25.540 Like my wife, if you asked her, she'll say she has six kids.

00:47:28.900 Hmm.

00:47:29.760 She doesn't say, Oh, well I have, you know, three, three are mine.

00:47:33.280 And he has, yeah, no, she doesn't even say that.

00:47:35.180 She says, I have six kids and people go, Whoa, you look great for having six kids.

00:47:38.140 And then, and then she just says, y'all, you know, whatever.

00:47:41.020 Yeah.

00:47:41.540 Thanks.

00:47:42.060 We don't, yeah, we don't even dive into it.

00:47:44.000 Yeah.

00:47:44.300 And the reason why is because we don't want like, let's be frank.

00:47:47.760 Like I do assume every kid does this.

00:47:50.920 Every kid assumes the world revolves around them.

00:47:53.040 They're going to look for evidence of like why mom and dad doesn't love me or they're

00:47:56.800 running some crazy story.

00:47:58.240 The last thing you want is for them to get this gist that they are different, that there's

00:48:04.480 some other standard in which you raise them or you love them than the other kids, but you

00:48:10.180 don't last thing you want to happen, but you don't hide it either.

00:48:13.240 I mean, cause there's a point too, right?

00:48:14.920 Where you're not being real about it as well.

00:48:18.460 Yeah.

00:48:18.680 Yeah.

00:48:18.840 It's not like we're keeping it a secret, right?

00:48:20.760 Right.

00:48:21.120 No, sure.

00:48:22.220 For sure.

00:48:22.920 Well, and, and, and he'll call me dad and he calls his dad, dad.

00:48:26.580 And you know what I mean?

00:48:27.500 It's, it's what it is.

00:48:29.160 Yeah.

00:48:30.260 So, yeah, I like it, man.

00:48:32.700 That's awesome.

00:48:33.100 I just have great examples.

00:48:34.320 So, but I don't have any advice, John.

00:48:36.360 Well, I thought that's why I turned to you because I knew you had, had that example.

00:48:39.940 So yeah, that's, that's good.

00:48:41.660 Cool.

00:48:41.940 What else, man?

00:48:43.280 Uh, Jordan Codd, uh, Caldwell, how do you handle micromanagement at workplace in the

00:48:48.680 workplace that is counterproductive when you confront, uh, when confronted with an issue,

00:48:54.300 sometimes I feel like I'm going, I'm doing myself a disservice if I don't say how I feel

00:49:00.060 in response, but I feel like I may get blacklisted or commit career suicide.

00:49:05.040 At the same time, I think it's important to stand up for what we believe in and stand for

00:49:09.300 our morals and our ethics.

00:49:10.480 Again, this is all surrounding, not being insubordinate or, but simply wanting to stand

00:49:17.300 up, stand my ground in morals and ethics in my career of law enforcement.

00:49:21.540 There can be a series of solutions to a problem.

00:49:24.040 I may handle things slightly different than the next guy, but neither one of us could be

00:49:28.680 wrong.

00:49:29.320 Be a man and stand tall in my beliefs or wait for an opportunity to climb the ranks and,

00:49:33.900 and be the change that I want to see.

00:49:36.500 I actually think this comes back.

00:49:38.200 Well, within law enforcement, there's certain parameters that you just have to operate in.

00:49:41.420 And, and a lot of that, and I've, I actually experienced this in the financial planning

00:49:44.620 industry, the way that we have to document and, and research everything in the disclaimers

00:49:48.640 and disclosures that we need to use as big of a pain in the ass as it is, it's there to

00:49:53.340 keep us safe and protected in the consumer safe and protected as well.

00:49:57.140 So within law enforcement, although it might be different, there's some things in place that

00:50:01.100 might seem like, oh, this is just red tape and this is bogging the system down, but it's

00:50:05.360 there to keep the civilians and yourself safe and protected.

00:50:09.740 That's number one.

00:50:10.780 Let's acknowledge that.

00:50:11.680 All right.

00:50:12.600 Sometimes the nature of the beast and your job, whatever that may be, is that you got

00:50:18.180 to deal.

00:50:18.980 This is the way it is.

00:50:20.360 Now, that being said, there are some areas in which there might be some wiggle room, but

00:50:25.700 I think if you wait until after the fact, you almost in a way have signed away your right

00:50:32.960 to bitch and complain about it.

00:50:34.980 And so what I would say is that you need to be more assertive upfront.

00:50:39.760 So if, uh, if, and I don't know how this all works, but, but, but if the higher ups

00:50:44.760 come to you and say, Hey, here's an assignment, we need to do this assignment.

00:50:48.280 We need to take a tackle this.

00:50:49.940 Then I would be very clear about communicating the expectations upfront.

00:50:53.160 Okay.

00:50:53.420 So what do you expect from me and how much wiggle room do I have?

00:50:58.180 And I've come across this scenario in the past and here's how we've been handling it,

00:51:02.420 but I think we might be able to handle it this way.

00:51:04.020 Do I have permission to do that?

00:51:06.200 These are the type of questions and conversations that you have with the boss in order to find

00:51:10.260 out, is there room here or, or why is there not room here?

00:51:13.700 And then you guys get on the same page.

00:51:15.340 Maybe he comes, the captain comes to you and says, yeah, actually, I think that's a pretty

00:51:19.400 good idea.

00:51:19.940 Why don't we, why don't we address it that way?

00:51:21.720 Or no, we're not going to do it that way because X, Y, and Z, maybe you didn't know about

00:51:26.280 that and he's got more experience.

00:51:27.840 And so he's giving a perspective you don't have.

00:51:30.580 Well, Jordan here says, you know, uh, micromanagement or workplace that is counterproductive.

00:51:35.840 Well, how do you know it's counterproductive?

00:51:38.140 Like how many times have we been in work scenarios where someone says do this, but they didn't

00:51:43.420 clearly communicate expectations and the reason why.

00:51:47.160 And so we're, we're coming from a place of, well, this is counterproductive.

00:51:50.620 Yeah.

00:51:50.880 But you don't know, maybe you don't know the full picture, right?

00:51:55.160 Maybe there's more to the reason, right?

00:51:57.280 And so based upon what you're saying, Ryan, you're going to hopefully through this conversation,

00:52:01.480 understand why you're being asked to do something.

00:52:04.880 And you should, especially, I think, especially in law enforcement, because we're not talking

00:52:09.680 about if, if you buck the system that, you know, we'll lose a couple of bucks.

00:52:14.620 Yeah.

00:52:15.080 We're talking about if you make a wrong choice, somebody dies.

00:52:19.060 Yeah.

00:52:20.080 The stakes or, or gets arrest wrongfully arrested or who knows any number of situate, you get

00:52:26.160 somebody killed any number of situations.

00:52:29.280 I think it's your right to understand what's going on, but you shouldn't for a second assume

00:52:35.020 that people are just going to disclose everything to you.

00:52:37.840 Be assertive, figure it out.

00:52:40.160 Ask some questions, not in a, not in a confrontational manner.

00:52:43.500 You don't want to do that, but I think you're well within your rights to say,

00:52:47.760 Hey, cap, you know, we've been doing this and here's what you got me doing.

00:52:51.240 And you kind of critiqued me on this last time.

00:52:53.120 I don't really understand why.

00:52:54.380 Can you help me understand that?

00:52:55.540 I think any reasonable individual would say, Oh, thanks for asking.

00:52:59.040 Yeah.

00:52:59.220 Here's why we do that.

00:53:00.120 Now you're on the same page.

00:53:01.280 Totally.

00:53:02.500 And I think there's, there's always an opportunity in it.

00:53:05.320 And, and Jordan, I'm not sure if you're alluding to this, but I'll, I'll use a, a small example

00:53:10.100 within the iron council is some guys will be on a battle team and they'll say, ah, you

00:53:15.820 know, my battle team's not as, Oh, we don't hold each other accountable.

00:53:18.640 We're not as stern or, you know what I mean?

00:53:20.620 And I, or they have an impression that the team should be different than it should be.

00:53:26.100 And numerous times, actually probably only just a couple of times I've told that individual

00:53:31.740 then change it.

00:53:33.060 Yeah.

00:53:33.460 But I'm not, I'm not the battle team leader.

00:53:35.500 So yeah.

00:53:36.940 Communicate to your team and say, Hey guys, this is what I'm envisioning.

00:53:40.100 This is what I'd want to do.

00:53:41.200 Like this opportunity for us to quote unquote, be a lighthouse is not tied to position.

00:53:48.460 Yeah.

00:53:48.900 It's not tied to that title.

00:53:50.080 You need to behave that way before you ever receive the title and position.

00:53:53.580 Totally.

00:53:54.020 And there's, there's influence where we can stand tall for our beliefs, right?

00:53:59.460 And even climb the ranks without that rank being given to us.

00:54:05.040 Well, and that's how you prove that you might actually be capable of this leadership thing,

00:54:09.660 right?

00:54:10.080 You exhibit leadership characteristics and skills.

00:54:13.220 Totally.

00:54:13.940 Yeah.

00:54:14.460 I like that question.

00:54:15.860 Cool.

00:54:16.420 Steven Payne Davis.

00:54:17.820 I've seen research that a man's beard and mustache help trap germs before entering the

00:54:22.620 mouth and nose region.

00:54:23.880 Have you researched or heard anything about this?

00:54:26.060 I'm sick.

00:54:26.620 I don't know if it works, man.

00:54:28.300 It's like, I don't know.

00:54:30.100 Maybe I would be more sick if it didn't.

00:54:32.060 I don't know.

00:54:33.000 Yeah.

00:54:33.200 It trimmed back too much.

00:54:34.280 Yeah.

00:54:34.780 Now you all of a sudden got sick.

00:54:36.640 I mean, there's gotta be a reason, right?

00:54:39.100 Like, look, I don't care if you believe in, in creation or evolution.

00:54:43.560 It's, it's apparent to me that we have evolved to some, to some capacity as human beings,

00:54:48.800 whether that's, we came from monkeys or we came from a, an earlier version.

00:54:53.720 We're just on the 2.0 version is, is left to be discovered.

00:54:57.080 But, uh, I will say that most of what we have in the way that we work is utilitarian.

00:55:05.460 So there's gotta be a reason that men grow beards.

00:55:10.340 And, and I would assume without knowing the research that that's probably a pretty good

00:55:14.900 hypothesis.

00:55:16.440 Uh, I, but I don't know.

00:55:17.980 That's, that's the short answer.

00:55:19.880 Copy.

00:55:20.660 All right.

00:55:21.300 This next question, there, there was a, one other thing on that note.

00:55:24.160 Yeah.

00:55:24.400 Yeah.

00:55:24.640 There was a, um, what was it?

00:55:28.000 An article two or three years ago about finding poop or something like little particles of,

00:55:33.680 of poop from animals or something in, in beards.

00:55:36.740 And there was like more prevalent.

00:55:37.860 And I can't even tell you how often I got that, that dang article sent to me.

00:55:42.580 Anytime, anything about a beard, just trust that I have received it at least two dozen times.

00:55:47.100 Or the, or the Ryan Mickler dog is the other, uh, the, what the dog, the dog that has like

00:55:54.300 a beard.

00:55:55.040 Oh yeah.

00:55:55.560 Yeah.

00:55:55.740 Yeah.

00:55:55.840 Yeah.

00:55:56.360 About being angry and ranting in his truck or something like that.

00:56:01.640 Yeah.

00:56:02.280 Yeah.

00:56:02.800 Okay.

00:56:03.220 There is a good book.

00:56:04.220 Hold on.

00:56:04.560 There is a good book called, um, hold on.

00:56:07.520 I'm looking at it right now or I'm, I'm trying to find it.

00:56:10.640 Uh, I can't find it.

00:56:13.760 I think it's called, I'm looking at my bookshelf and I can't see it.

00:56:16.120 I think it's called of beards and men of beards and men.

00:56:20.940 Yeah.

00:56:21.500 That's funny.

00:56:22.100 I think that's what it's called.

00:56:23.200 I'll have to find it and post it, but it's, it's actually really enlightening.

00:56:26.940 And it's, I thought it was going to be a funny book.

00:56:28.640 It's not, it's like the history of beards and men.

00:56:31.100 So maybe it's in there.

00:56:32.620 Maybe I haven't got to it yet.

00:56:34.400 All right.

00:56:35.500 All right.

00:56:35.960 So this next question, uh, kind of funny.

00:56:38.680 Well, not funny.

00:56:39.800 Interesting.

00:56:40.840 Um, maybe I'm just prude.

00:56:42.200 And so I'm already, already giggling, uh, keyed, uh,

00:56:46.120 I think he, I think he's trying to mess with me here on the name, but, uh, key, uh, tie

00:56:52.240 proof.

00:56:54.240 What's your guys's take on the issue, uh, of going days and weeks without ejaculation

00:57:02.080 before a match.

00:57:03.020 So I'm assuming like maybe like a jujitsu match or a fight or like before a big game

00:57:10.740 or, or something like that.

00:57:12.500 Um, I don't, I don't know.

00:57:15.040 I think sex is good, man.

00:57:17.820 So I would like my knee jerk reaction is you should have sex with your wife and that's just

00:57:27.040 what it is.

00:57:27.760 I don't think, I can't imagine.

00:57:30.160 Do you think you get better performance if you're, if you have some buildup going on?

00:57:34.400 No, I don't.

00:57:36.000 Cause then maybe you're stressed out for the wrong reason.

00:57:38.620 And you're pissed off.

00:57:39.600 Right.

00:57:39.800 And you're pissed off.

00:57:40.540 And so you're, you're maybe being a little bit hormonal as opposed to level headed in,

00:57:45.040 in a jujitsu match or something else.

00:57:47.100 I mean, I don't know.

00:57:48.260 You could probably make a case for either way.

00:57:50.580 I heard that's why Tyson, um, in that famous match where he bit Holyfield's ear.

00:57:55.400 That's what happened because he didn't have sex before or he had too much.

00:57:59.800 No, actually, no.

00:58:00.540 Now that you say that, no, now that you say that, I think him, he talked about that on

00:58:06.740 Joe Rogan.

00:58:07.540 Yeah.

00:58:07.980 Cause he was on Rogan like a month ago or something.

00:58:10.700 And, and he talked about that actually.

00:58:13.040 And I think he said that that was a, uh, he thinks that's, that's just made up.

00:58:17.900 I think that's what he said.

00:58:19.420 Okay.

00:58:20.000 So there you go.

00:58:21.060 Straight from, straight from Mike Tyson himself.

00:58:23.260 Yeah.

00:58:23.940 And he, obviously he would know about a really tough match on what you should or should not

00:58:28.640 do beforehand.

00:58:29.760 So I don't know, man, or jujitsu, I would, I'd certainly say being level headed would be

00:58:34.820 superior versus being frustrated.

00:58:37.280 Yeah.

00:58:37.520 I mean, think about how much unnecessary energy you're just wasting as you're flailing around.

00:58:42.160 And, and I'm not saying that not having sex is going to keep you from being that way.

00:58:46.780 I think, I think the greater thing to worry about whether you should have sex or not before

00:58:50.140 a match is to get good is to do a lot of jujitsu.

00:58:54.200 That's, that's a better equalizer than whether or not you should have sex before the match.

00:58:58.180 Like if, if that's, what's going to determine the match for you, like you got that, that's

00:59:02.760 that it's not going to make that big a difference.

00:59:04.560 I can't imagine.

00:59:05.440 Yeah.

00:59:05.840 With that said though, keyed, like I've heard this before, right?

00:59:09.200 Like, Oh yeah, I've heard it.

00:59:10.260 No doubt.

00:59:10.560 I've had this, I've had this conversation with guys and I've heard all kinds of scenarios

00:59:15.040 in regards to, you know, yeah, I never have sex, you know, a week before a match.

00:59:18.740 Cause you know, it gives me the fire I need to kill.

00:59:23.460 I say, I say have sex, find a different way to get fired up.

00:59:28.780 Caffeine.

00:59:29.540 Yeah.

00:59:29.900 Whatever.

00:59:31.180 Just wanted to dominate.

00:59:32.920 And that's enough for me.

00:59:34.500 Israel Carter.

00:59:35.900 Uh, when was it that you knew you were headed to lead the order of man?

00:59:39.620 Like it existed before you showed up.

00:59:42.300 Uh, what made you make the very first post into the world of order of man?

00:59:46.840 I understand you knew there was a problem with men or the lack or lessening of masculinity,

00:59:52.400 but how did you know what you had to offer would universally apply to men in their wild

00:59:58.200 at heart search?

00:59:59.360 I jammed a few questions in there, but I've been wanting to ask this since I joined.

01:00:03.900 Uh, who was this?

01:00:05.640 Uh, Israel Carter.

01:00:07.040 Israel has given me way too much credit, man.

01:00:09.620 Way too much credit.

01:00:11.040 I'm, I'm flailing around three quarters of the time still trying to figure out what

01:00:15.100 the hell it is we're doing here.

01:00:16.180 Yeah.

01:00:16.320 But at one point you had to know that like, this might be valuable.

01:00:19.940 Like, I mean, or were you so blunt?

01:00:21.800 Like, were you like, Oh man, I'm going to do this.

01:00:24.340 And, and were you wondering for months?

01:00:26.420 Like, is this even valuable?

01:00:28.560 You know what I mean?

01:00:29.100 Like, I'm curious too.

01:00:31.040 Yeah.

01:00:31.340 I don't know.

01:00:32.940 I don't know.

01:00:33.620 I, I, um, well, let me tell you why I started order of man.

01:00:36.400 I started order of man for very selfish reasons.

01:00:40.340 Um, I wanted to be a better father and husband and business owner and community leader, all

01:00:45.540 the same things I even say four years later.

01:00:48.480 And so I, I had this podcast.

01:00:50.320 It was a financial planning podcast and it was geared towards helping medical professionals

01:00:54.320 with their financial services.

01:00:55.860 And I realized very quickly, I love the medium of podcasting.

01:00:58.520 I just didn't want to continue to have that conversation.

01:01:00.280 I was getting so tired and burnt out of it.

01:01:01.980 Same thing over and over again.

01:01:03.200 I, it was lacking meaning for me.

01:01:05.780 Um, so, so I said, you know, I'm going to start this other podcast and I'm just going

01:01:10.060 to do it for selfish reasons.

01:01:11.000 Like why else would somebody who's very, very successful, uh, want to talk with me?

01:01:15.520 And I thought if I could have conversations with these guys through the podcast, it would

01:01:19.820 be cool to share it.

01:01:20.600 Cause I'm sure there's other guys out there who want to learn this stuff as well.

01:01:24.040 And so I started a podcast and initially when I started order of man, my goal was to create

01:01:28.380 something very similar to what Brett McKay, uh, with art of manliness has created.

01:01:33.720 And my first ever article, I wonder if it's still up.

01:01:37.820 It's probably still up.

01:01:38.780 But my first ever article was how to throw a baseball, which is like the furthest thing

01:01:45.680 from anything that we would talk about now.

01:01:47.980 Right.

01:01:48.680 And I go back and if you guys can go look at it, it's on YouTube.

01:01:51.680 It's my very first video.

01:01:53.180 It's ridiculous.

01:01:54.400 It's ridiculous.

01:01:55.460 I look like, like an idiot.

01:01:57.180 Not only do I have a smaller beard, but I just, I look like an idiot, but I leave it

01:02:00.620 up there because it's kind of a badge of honor.

01:02:02.160 Like you have to be willing to look stupid for a while.

01:02:05.180 Um, but I realized pretty quickly that Brett had a pretty good stronghold on, on that market

01:02:10.220 of teaching these types of skills to men, boys and men.

01:02:14.280 Um, and then I wanted to do something deeper that I wanted something more significant that

01:02:18.760 I'd really wanted to address more of the mindset and the way that we show up in those

01:02:23.380 soft skills as opposed to those hard skills.

01:02:25.300 Um, and you know, we got going, were you going to say something there, Kim?

01:02:30.160 Well, I was going to say, I mean, did you identify, like you didn't identify that mindset

01:02:34.380 portion until after you started, right?

01:02:38.440 Like it wasn't initially a massage.

01:02:40.980 And that's why I caution people, like be very, very careful of feeling like you have to have

01:02:48.160 everything planned out because you're going to change anyways.

01:02:50.740 And if you're not evolving in your business, you're, you're making mistakes.

01:02:53.940 Like you need to be evolving and growing.

01:02:55.540 So for me, uh, we got, so I started in March of 2015, the podcast and in November of that

01:03:04.340 same year, uh, my wife came to me and she said, Hey, you know, I really appreciate what

01:03:10.020 you're doing.

01:03:10.780 Um, you seem happy.

01:03:12.320 You seem like you're having great conversations.

01:03:14.400 This seems rewarding for you, but you're not working so much in the financial planning

01:03:18.760 practice and you're taking away income from the household, which was a hundred percent

01:03:23.140 true income was going down because I was spending so much time with this.

01:03:27.060 So I thought, well, how can I, how can I monetize this?

01:03:30.600 And, and people, you know, I still get grief, you know, Oh, you're not just doing this out

01:03:34.400 of the goodness of your heart.

01:03:35.400 No, it's both.

01:03:36.420 I am doing it out of the goodness of my heart.

01:03:38.420 And I want to make a lot of money doing it.

01:03:40.080 Like both can exist.

01:03:42.000 A lot of people think it's one or the other.

01:03:43.620 It's not, you can, you can have both.

01:03:45.600 So I said, well, how, how can I make money doing this?

01:03:47.980 And I was listening to a podcast maybe by Pat Flynn or somebody else.

01:03:51.260 And he had a guest on and the guest was talking about doing courses.

01:03:55.160 So I'm like, okay, well, I guess that's a way to do it.

01:03:58.160 So I, I said, well, we'll do a course.

01:04:00.300 I'll do a 12 week course.

01:04:01.540 I'll invite 12 guys to be part of it and I'll charge a hundred bucks for it, which is way

01:04:08.300 undervalued, but I didn't know this probably overvalued because I didn't even have the

01:04:12.400 thing planned out yet.

01:04:14.780 So I told the guys in the Facebook group, we must've had a thousand guys in the Facebook

01:04:18.720 group.

01:04:19.040 We got like 53,000 now.

01:04:21.140 I said, Hey, here's what we're doing.

01:04:23.180 If you want to join, join, here's where you join.

01:04:26.000 Here's the page, blah, blah, blah.

01:04:27.600 So I sold the thing out overnight.

01:04:30.720 And like I said, it was a, it was a 12 week thing.

01:04:33.040 So it was a 90 day thing.

01:04:34.840 And we were going through the courses, going through the course and the program and everything

01:04:38.000 is going really, really well.

01:04:39.340 And the guys were saying, we're saying to me, what's next?

01:04:41.900 Like, what do we do when we done it?

01:04:42.980 When we're done?

01:04:43.560 Is there another one?

01:04:44.280 And I'm like, I don't know, I guess.

01:04:47.380 And so in January of 2016, I opened it up.

01:04:52.400 So when did the 12 weekend?

01:04:54.560 It must've been like the end of January.

01:04:57.040 End of January.

01:04:57.900 Yeah.

01:04:58.080 Okay.

01:04:58.420 So later that month or the next month, you started Iron Council.

01:05:02.520 I started where it already was the Iron Council, but we changed it, right?

01:05:07.080 It was.

01:05:07.640 And so if you look at, I'm looking at the Iron Council patch right now, it's got the

01:05:11.460 Eagle, which represents freedom, sovereignty, iron, which is the hat, you know, the hat tip

01:05:18.480 to the iron sharpens iron council, right?

01:05:21.640 We're working together.

01:05:22.320 If you look at the Eagle on Iron Council patch, there's 12 feathers to that Eagle that represents

01:05:27.140 the original 12 members of the Iron Council.

01:05:30.240 And then underneath the words Iron Council has the, the, uh, blacksmithing tools that

01:05:35.960 represents the tools that we use to harden and shape and mold ourselves into the men that

01:05:39.960 we're capable of becoming.

01:05:41.100 So a lot of meaning and significance behind that logo.

01:05:43.400 Yeah.

01:05:43.940 Um, yeah.

01:05:44.700 So we opened it up and here, here we are 500 plus members later.

01:05:48.640 Uh, then we evolved and grew into let's do, let's do events.

01:05:52.680 So we've done, I think four events now.

01:05:55.080 And then, uh, last year I'm like, well, let's do an event for kid fathers and their sons.

01:05:59.580 And so we're moving the second one, which is legacy event, by the way, it's that's order

01:06:03.720 of man.com slash legacy.

01:06:05.220 I think we have like seven or eight spots left.

01:06:07.620 Um, but yeah, it's, it's just evolved and it's morphed and it's grown.

01:06:11.880 And, um, I, I just, I don't know if there's like one point and I don't know if there ever

01:06:17.320 will be one point, but I know it will continue to evolve and grow and something else will catch

01:06:22.320 my eye within this movement.

01:06:23.460 And I'll, and I'll explore that, you know, like local and regional chapters is something

01:06:27.920 that's been on my mind, um, doing other events and all kinds of stuff.

01:06:32.800 Um, so I don't know if there is one event, but one thing I've always been really good

01:06:37.200 at, and I'm, I don't like, like to brag on myself at all, but I don't think I'm bragging

01:06:40.960 here.

01:06:41.100 I think this is true is that I've never been so afraid of taking one step into the unknown

01:06:46.000 that I wouldn't take it because what's the worst that could happen.

01:06:49.160 You know, I start a podcast for order of man, nobody shows up or I hate it.

01:06:53.800 And so I stopped doing it or I do an event and it doesn't work.

01:06:58.720 And I'm out a few thousand dollars and I don't do it again.

01:07:02.600 Or I start regional chapters and it doesn't work or people don't like it, or it's too,

01:07:08.000 too much of a logistical challenge or whatever.

01:07:09.660 And so we don't do it again.

01:07:11.160 I think the risks are so low, man.

01:07:14.380 And I, I never want to look back.

01:07:15.960 Like, this is this thing with our move to Maine and people ask me this all the time.

01:07:19.120 What, why would you do that?

01:07:20.320 Why not?

01:07:20.880 Why wouldn't I do that?

01:07:22.920 Why wouldn't I explore?

01:07:24.220 Like, I can't imagine.

01:07:25.900 And I try to project myself out in the future.

01:07:28.060 And this is a very valuable strategy.

01:07:31.200 Project yourself out into the future.

01:07:32.660 This is consciousness.

01:07:33.580 This is one of the things that actually makes us human is that we can look at ourselves

01:07:37.020 at a, at a future date and time and place too, and, and project yourself out into that

01:07:44.260 place and ask yourself about that history.

01:07:49.300 And I asked myself, if I'm sitting on my deathbed in 40 years, let's say, what will I have regretted?

01:07:56.880 Taking the risk to move to Maine or not taking the risk?

01:08:00.800 Taking the risk to start order of man and being out some time and some money or not taking

01:08:08.020 the risk and just playing it comfortable.

01:08:11.520 What will I have been more regretful about?

01:08:14.540 And I know the answer.

01:08:15.520 And everybody listening to this right now knows the answer as well, but there's, there's so

01:08:20.720 stuck in their current reality.

01:08:23.420 They're like, Oh, I have the bills to pay and I got to provide and I got to do this and

01:08:26.700 I got to do that.

01:08:27.280 And all that things, all that stuff's true.

01:08:29.100 I'm not discounting that, but what I'm saying is take a risk, be bold, be assertive.

01:08:33.920 If something's calling to you, even if it's a little voice in the back of your head and

01:08:37.160 saying, try that, try that, try that you owe it to yourself.

01:08:40.900 And from my belief, our creator to go try it and learn and grow and expand from it.

01:08:48.080 So to Israel, Israel, is that his name to his point?

01:08:52.780 I don't know if there was ever a moment, but there's always just a little calling to me.

01:08:56.540 And I've always been willing to explore that because I never want to regret not listening

01:09:01.120 to that voice.

01:09:03.000 Yeah.

01:09:04.000 I love it.

01:09:06.020 And I think there's evidence of, of your story, Ryan, in all of us.

01:09:11.080 Like I, I see, well, I see that in the iron council, right?

01:09:15.380 I see that like guys on echo and they'll come in and they're quiet and well, you know,

01:09:20.720 I don't like to share cause I don't really have any, you know, I don't think I have any

01:09:25.260 good feedback to provide or insight.

01:09:28.260 And then, and then they start opening up a little bit.

01:09:31.000 Then they start sharing and guys are like, Whoa, that was profound.

01:09:34.240 You know how valuable that was to me.

01:09:36.660 And then they start getting this idea like, Whoa, you know, like I do have something to

01:09:40.960 offer, you know, and then you see guys become battle team leaders and, and it's the first

01:09:46.060 time in their lives that they've like, they're taking a stand and they're passionate about

01:09:50.220 something that, that makes a difference in other people's life.

01:09:53.280 And they, they see the opportunity to become a lighthouse in some way.

01:09:56.260 Like I, I see that we have all these scenarios and situations in our lives where we can take

01:10:02.060 it an advantage or take the opportunity to become that lighthouse and they're everywhere.

01:10:06.680 Like the, the chance for me to be a lighthouse for people is at my work, in my home, in my

01:10:13.420 neighborhood with the guys within the iron council, like the, the opportunities are everywhere.

01:10:18.120 But I think we, I don't know.

01:10:20.040 I think a lot of guys cut themselves short, right?

01:10:22.200 They don't give themselves enough credit and they don't think they have anything valid to

01:10:25.780 share.

01:10:26.540 And here's the irony.

01:10:28.340 And I have to say this because I've seen a couple of guys make the mistake is they think

01:10:33.140 they, they misunderstand.

01:10:35.440 They think them preaching is what they have to share.

01:10:39.080 That's not the value.

01:10:40.600 What they have to share is who they are and what they're dealing with and the path that

01:10:45.620 they're on.

01:10:46.460 That's powerful.

01:10:47.800 We've seen a couple of guys.

01:10:48.920 I know a couple of guys that are like, okay, Oh, I'm going to podcast.

01:10:51.680 You know, Ryan's like, I swear, Ryan, you probably generate more podcasters than anybody.

01:10:55.780 Cause everyone's like, I want a podcast.

01:10:57.420 And it's funny because I'm like, I have no desire whatsoever to be on a podcast.

01:11:02.920 And here you are.

01:11:04.000 I know, which is quite ironic, but, but I've seen a couple of guys do that and they want

01:11:08.220 to preach.

01:11:09.780 And it's like, no, don't preach share, right?

01:11:12.840 You've used this term Ryan in the past of, you know, you light yourself on fire and let

01:11:16.400 people watch.

01:11:17.920 And, and that's part of being vulnerable.

01:11:20.420 It's part of being raw and just sharing.

01:11:23.320 And that's, what's really impactful.

01:11:25.220 It's the sharing that's impactful.

01:11:26.620 I think.

01:11:27.680 I agree, man.

01:11:28.760 I agree.

01:11:30.160 Well, cool.

01:11:30.880 Should we take a, should we take a couple of more?

01:11:33.000 Yeah.

01:11:33.300 Let's do a couple more.

01:11:34.540 Um, so Jeff Godfrey, um, he actually didn't have a question here, but, but he kind of

01:11:39.580 a statement and I, and I think it's profound and, and Jeff's kind of going through some

01:11:43.980 hard time here.

01:11:44.560 He says something I've been going through, um, as the family patriarch is dealing with

01:11:50.120 a critical ill grandchild.

01:11:52.440 I had a grandson born in April with an underdeveloped heart.

01:11:55.840 His mom left Virginia to have him at Boston children hospital.

01:11:58.860 He's been there since there's nothing more they can do for him, but he's not giving up

01:12:02.980 on life.

01:12:03.440 He's a fighter being the mom's dad and the granddad has been draining hats off to folks

01:12:09.140 that take care of special need kids.

01:12:11.720 And I just have to echo what Jeff said, man.

01:12:15.640 Some of the best people I know in this world are parents of kids, um, that have special needs

01:12:22.920 and it's because it hardens them.

01:12:25.180 It makes them better people.

01:12:27.080 It's like what we talk about all the time, you know, it's, it's through the process and

01:12:31.260 sometimes through the hardships that we become better.

01:12:34.060 And, uh, as crazy as this may sound, sound like this family will grow from this in a positive

01:12:40.900 way.

01:12:41.140 I think.

01:12:41.740 Yeah.

01:12:42.880 It, yeah, I, I agree.

01:12:44.880 This, this reminds me of one of my favorite quotes.

01:12:46.880 It's by, um, by David Gilmore.

01:12:49.080 And I think I've quoted it before.

01:12:50.320 He says the real man gains renown by standing between his family and destruction, absorbing

01:12:55.600 the blows of fate with equanimity.

01:12:58.500 And I feel like that's what he's doing right now.

01:13:01.820 He's absorbing the blows of fate.

01:13:03.700 This is fate.

01:13:04.740 You know, sometimes shitty stuff happens.

01:13:06.880 You know, it's not your fault.

01:13:08.220 It's not anybody else's fault.

01:13:09.480 It's the hand that you've been dealt or the hand that your family's been dealt.

01:13:13.120 And can you, as a man stand and absorb those blows and stand between destruction, emotional

01:13:20.560 and mental and physical destruction with equanimity, which is calmness, clarity, focus.

01:13:28.520 Uh, that's just one of my favorite quotes, because I think in what 15 words, it's just

01:13:32.680 sums up perfectly what it means to be a man and what our responsibility and obligation

01:13:37.740 as, as this gentleman said, the patriarch of our family, which by the way, is not a bad

01:13:42.280 word.

01:13:42.660 We need more patriarchs.

01:13:44.760 Yeah.

01:13:45.840 Yeah.

01:13:46.460 Good job, Jeff.

01:13:47.920 When, and, you know, on the, since you interviewed Goggins last week, you know, it's obviously

01:13:53.000 he's on my mind quite a bit.

01:13:55.980 And I, you wonder that if the hardships in which he was raised in were not present, if

01:14:03.080 he'd be the man he is today, he wouldn't be.

01:14:05.380 There's no doubt in my mind.

01:14:06.540 And frankly, no doubt in his, he would not be, he would not be.

01:14:10.980 Yeah.

01:14:11.820 Let's take one more.

01:14:13.760 DJ Allen.

01:14:14.760 Do either of you deal with feelings of being inferior around other guys or men?

01:14:20.120 If not, what are some ways to get past that feeling?

01:14:23.220 I deal with that every day, but you should feel that way because if you don't feel inferior

01:14:28.400 around other guys, you're not spending time around the right guys.

01:14:31.820 Yeah.

01:14:32.180 You're spending around guys that spending time around guys who aren't as good as you.

01:14:35.740 And I'm not saying, I'm not talking about worth.

01:14:37.560 Please understand me.

01:14:38.520 It's not about worth.

01:14:39.800 It's about a skillset, right?

01:14:42.080 So if all I'm doing is spending my time around broke people, well, how am I going to improve?

01:14:49.620 How am I going to build wealth?

01:14:51.080 But if I'm spending time around people who are wealthier than me, I feel inferior because

01:14:55.460 I am inferior at building wealth.

01:14:57.340 That's a legitimate feeling, but that's not a bad thing.

01:15:02.000 You just need to, and this is to your point that you always say, Kip, is like, stop attaching

01:15:07.960 meaning to it.

01:15:09.980 You are inferior to other men.

01:15:12.400 That is true.

01:15:13.800 You can't sugarcoat that.

01:15:15.680 You can't talk your way out of that or rationalize your way out of that.

01:15:19.200 There are some men who are better than you.

01:15:22.680 Again, not worth, not saying that, but I'm saying they're stronger.

01:15:26.140 They're faster.

01:15:27.500 They're more connected.

01:15:28.740 They're better fathers.

01:15:29.980 They're better husbands.

01:15:31.480 They're wealthier.

01:15:32.660 They're more savvy when it comes to business.

01:15:34.700 That's true.

01:15:35.440 All of that's true.

01:15:36.460 And you can attach a meaning to it and say, well, I'm inferior.

01:15:39.720 So I'm a piece of shit.

01:15:41.460 Or you could say, I want to be like these guys.

01:15:45.700 Yeah.

01:15:46.420 I want to be like that business owner who is making great money and he's, he's home with

01:15:52.100 his family and he's serving people in his community and he's hiring people.

01:15:55.860 So I'm going to put myself in his presence and ask him questions so I can learn from

01:16:00.240 him.

01:16:01.240 Or I want to be around this, this guy who's a jujitsu black belt, because I want to be

01:16:06.880 able to understand how to best utilize my body and make my body a weapon.

01:16:11.980 So although, yeah, he can kick my ass all over the mat anytime, anytime he wants the

01:16:17.060 way that I improve is positioning myself in a position of inferiority with other men who

01:16:21.940 are better or further down the road than I am so that I can learn and grow from those

01:16:25.800 people.

01:16:26.140 So when, when somebody says that I'm inferior and they use it as an opportunity to retreat,

01:16:31.680 withdraw or self-destruct, it's because their ego is so fragile that they can't get over

01:16:39.540 themselves enough to recognize the reality for what it is that you are inferior.

01:16:44.220 And guess what?

01:16:45.540 It's okay.

01:16:47.500 What's not okay is staying in that state of inferiority.

01:16:51.960 You've got to grow.

01:16:52.880 You've got to expand.

01:16:53.680 You've got to improve.

01:16:54.360 And you're not going to do that by inflating your ego, by spending time around losers.

01:17:00.080 Yeah.

01:17:00.680 You got to spend your time around winners.

01:17:02.480 I think there's a direction that some guys take on this, Ryan.

01:17:06.060 I know people, I know people that do this is they, they accept the fact that they're inferior

01:17:11.900 and then they think, Oh, well then I need to be around these people more, but they still

01:17:17.460 bring their ego into the equation and they don't have the conversation with the individual

01:17:22.840 about them being superior at finances.

01:17:25.080 So they never get advice because they don't want the other person to know, right?

01:17:29.480 That they're inferior.

01:17:30.240 So they'll, they're, they know that they should be around these superior people, but they still

01:17:35.520 hold onto the ego.

01:17:36.560 Yeah.

01:17:37.140 And that ego prevents them from having the conversations necessary to grow.

01:17:42.040 You use the example of jujitsu is a perfect example of this guys that come onto the mat

01:17:47.240 with ego.

01:17:48.540 They, they avoid certain guys to roll with.

01:17:51.680 They get mad when they're training, like the certain things happen during training because

01:17:57.580 they're still holding onto the idea that, or their ego is still there and they don't

01:18:02.560 want to accept the fact that they are inferior versus if they just accept the damn fact that,

01:18:07.740 Hey, guess what?

01:18:08.160 He's better than me.

01:18:09.080 So guess what?

01:18:09.860 Now I'm just going to try to stay alive.

01:18:11.400 Now my game is to grow and now my mindset is a growth mindset versus protect, hide the

01:18:18.260 truth, you know, protect my ego or don't let them don't be found out and all that kind

01:18:23.100 of bullshit.

01:18:23.460 So I do feel like some guys avoid hanging out with people that are superior and then you

01:18:29.000 have guys that will say, Oh, I need to hang around these people as though like, it's going

01:18:32.620 to like soak into them and somehow they're going to get better even though they have their

01:18:37.000 ego with them.

01:18:37.760 Yeah.

01:18:38.100 So I have to call that out.

01:18:39.680 It's like, you got to look over the ego.

01:18:41.000 You got to let, let go of the damn story and accept the fact that, yeah, you're inferior.

01:18:45.500 Now what, now, what can I grow and learn from these people?

01:18:48.660 That's okay.

01:18:49.640 It's totally okay.

01:18:50.900 And it's encouraged.

01:18:51.820 It's, it's the whole fake it till you make it crowd.

01:18:54.420 Don't fake stuff, man.

01:18:56.120 Like if you know, you're not good, just be humble.

01:18:59.860 I, I, I'm going to put a plug in here real quick for something that I think guys should

01:19:03.000 attend.

01:19:03.980 And I'll have to find out the, the exact dates here in a second.

01:19:07.140 But when I started order of man, I went to a conference called style con and it was a,

01:19:12.460 it was a men's conference.

01:19:13.740 And it was, I recognized that there was going to be some other men there who were already

01:19:20.080 blogging and podcasting and creating content.

01:19:22.360 And that's the circle I wanted to run in.

01:19:25.040 So I called up the founders of the event, Antonio Centeno and Aaron Marino.

01:19:29.860 I know a lot of you guys probably know who those guys are.

01:19:31.740 Great, great men.

01:19:33.220 And I asked if I could speak at the event and Antonio was like, no, we don't even know who

01:19:38.560 you are.

01:19:39.120 And of course that was the right answer, but he's like, but come out anyways and, and

01:19:43.220 introduce yourself and I'd love to meet you.

01:19:45.100 So I went out there, this was like four years ago, right when I started.

01:19:47.660 And I've spoken at this conference every year since, but it was because, and I attribute

01:19:53.880 a lot of the early success with order of man to this actual conference and the connections

01:19:58.120 I made because I went with a humble heart and I, and I, I didn't pretend that I was something

01:20:05.020 that I wasn't.

01:20:06.520 And everybody that I went, I said, here, I'm starting this, I'm growing this, I'm trying

01:20:10.300 this, I'm experimenting with this.

01:20:11.900 What tips do you have?

01:20:12.980 What ideas do you have?

01:20:13.800 And every single person, every single man there that was creating content.

01:20:18.420 Was more than happy to share and impart some of their wisdom because I wasn't going in

01:20:23.780 there like some schmuck who was pretending he had everything figured out.

01:20:27.180 Now, some of these guys five years later have become, well, I think they're going to be lifelong

01:20:33.000 friends because I was humble and because I learned and because I've grown from them.

01:20:38.960 Some of these guys are still exponentially growing others.

01:20:42.660 I've, I've surpassed on some metrics that doesn't make them or me better or worse or anything.

01:20:46.980 It just is what it is.

01:20:48.940 But I went with a, with an open heart and mind and humility to learn and grow and expand.

01:20:53.920 And that's why we're seeing the success that we are.

01:20:56.100 So, so the plug I was going to make, if you guys are interested, I'm going to be out there

01:20:59.980 speaking and I would definitely, definitely encourage you to come out.

01:21:03.180 I think it's February, it's February 22nd and 23rd.

01:21:07.120 Uh, it's in Atlanta and it's called, uh, menfluential.

01:21:12.180 So they've changed it.

01:21:13.180 It's called menfluential.

01:21:14.540 So if you go to, uh, menfluentialconference.com, I think it's like 150 bucks.

01:21:20.980 Uh, it's, it's cheap.

01:21:22.920 Oh, you know what?

01:21:23.600 In fact, here's a special discount.

01:21:25.720 Um, this will give you a discount on it's menfluentialconference, menfluentialconference.com.

01:21:31.480 And then it's, uh, uh, slash pricing dash 2019 dash S P E C.

01:21:41.460 I'm going to say it one more time.

01:21:42.500 Cause that's where you get the discount.

01:21:43.620 S P E C.

01:21:44.360 Yeah.

01:21:44.580 So it's menfluentialconference.com slash pricing dash 2019 dash S P E C.

01:21:55.100 And it's February 22nd and 23rd.

01:21:57.420 I'm going to be speaking.

01:21:58.820 A lot of other great men are going to be speaking.

01:22:00.640 It's two days and it's in Atlanta, 150 bucks.

01:22:04.520 Get out there.

01:22:05.100 It's, it's incredible.

01:22:06.200 That's a shameless plug.

01:22:07.300 Well, not even shameless.

01:22:08.260 It's not my event.

01:22:08.980 I'm just helping these guys out.

01:22:10.620 So, um, anyways, go check it out.

01:22:13.120 Awesome.

01:22:13.800 Cool.

01:22:15.160 With that said, um, we have a couple other things on a timeline perspective.

01:22:19.780 So the menfluential conference that you said that was the 22nd and the 23rd.

01:22:24.020 Yep.

01:22:24.660 Of February.

01:22:25.620 Of February.

01:22:26.460 Then February 1st, uh, you're kicking off another tribe builder course.

01:22:31.320 Yep.

01:22:31.840 That's already, that's already filled up.

01:22:34.120 So, okay.

01:22:34.900 If you are interested, I mean, shoot me an email and we'll see, but, um, but it is filled

01:22:40.340 if somebody wants to come in or whatever, we might be able to make an exception there.

01:22:43.840 So just, just let me know.

01:22:44.720 Shoot me an email.

01:22:45.240 Ryan at order of man.com.

01:22:46.860 Okay.

01:22:47.260 And then April 14th is the father and son's legacy event.

01:22:52.180 April 11th through the 14th.

01:22:54.260 April 11th through the 14th.

01:22:55.740 Okay.

01:22:56.120 And you can learn more about that at order of man.com slash legacy.

01:23:00.140 Correct.

01:23:01.440 Okay.

01:23:01.980 Yep.

01:23:02.920 Uh, what else on it date wise?

01:23:05.480 I think that covers.

01:23:06.560 Yeah, that's pretty much it right now.

01:23:08.080 I mean, there's on the dates.

01:23:09.100 Yeah.

01:23:09.340 Okay.

01:23:09.540 For sure.

01:23:10.720 Cool.

01:23:11.120 Lots going on.

01:23:13.040 Great questions to get guys.

01:23:15.900 Yeah.

01:23:16.060 I really enjoyed a lot of these questions and it was a great conversation.

01:23:19.240 If you want to, uh, participate and submit questions for the AMA, you can do that really

01:23:24.960 one of three ways.

01:23:26.320 Uh, one, you can join, uh, and become a patron member, uh, get some perks as well as get your,

01:23:33.360 uh, questions answered here on the podcast.

01:23:35.840 You can learn more at patrion.com slash order of man.

01:23:40.060 The second way is to join us within the iron council.

01:23:44.040 Uh, this is an exclusive, uh, I don't even, I always struggle with how I just say brotherhood.

01:23:49.600 It's a brotherhood.

01:23:50.680 Yeah.

01:23:50.880 It's a brotherhood, 500 plus men, um, on the court on life, holding each other accountable,

01:23:55.900 working through battle plans.

01:23:56.960 And we talked about a number of aspects of today in regards to, you know, the battle plan

01:24:02.580 and the 12 week plan and working through, um, growing in those three different areas of

01:24:07.420 your life, whether it be protect, provide, or preside.

01:24:09.500 So, uh, that's what we do in the IC.

01:24:12.040 Um, you can also join, uh, to learn more about the iron council, uh, go to order of man.com

01:24:17.260 slash iron council.

01:24:18.320 And then the last way you can participate is on the Facebook group and that's facebook.com

01:24:23.040 slash groups slash order of man.

01:24:25.780 Please connect with Ryan Mickler on Insta at Ryan Mickler and Twitter at Ryan Mickler.

01:24:33.180 Perfect.

01:24:33.940 I think we got it covered.

01:24:35.340 Yeah.

01:24:35.820 And guys, if you've liked this message, invite people to the Facebook group, you're on the

01:24:40.640 Facebook group, invite more people to Facebook group, read a rating review on iTunes or Stitcher

01:24:46.040 or whatever aggregator using for your podcast, share the message.

01:24:49.860 Um, it's important conversation.

01:24:51.440 I think the sound bites and the YouTube video of your interview with, uh, Goggins is spot on.

01:24:57.700 I think it was super great conversation.

01:24:59.840 I loved him talking about, uh, racism.

01:25:04.160 Oh yeah.

01:25:04.720 That was good, man.

01:25:05.440 I got a lot of good feedback.

01:25:07.220 Yeah.

01:25:07.980 Yeah.

01:25:08.220 It was, it was a great conversation for sure.

01:25:11.240 Well, cool.

01:25:12.040 All right.

01:25:12.540 Well, we'll let you get going.

01:25:13.580 I'll go rest my voice and try to recover here a little bit.

01:25:16.560 Kip, I appreciate you guys.

01:25:17.820 I appreciate you as always, uh, glad to be on this journey with you.

01:25:20.700 I look, I look around and I, I see at a minimum, a dismissal of masculinity.

01:25:24.620 And I, I think, gosh, I think we're forgetting a little bit what it means to be a man.

01:25:28.440 I think we've let a lot of these traditional, uh, and when I say traditional, I'm talking

01:25:32.600 about some of these healthy, traditional practices of masculinity.

01:25:34.860 I think we're letting those slip, uh, which, which I believe is going to create some problems

01:25:38.300 and it already is.

01:25:39.380 It already is.

01:25:40.200 I mean, you just look at the metrics for, for men and boys and we're falling behind.

01:25:43.120 Uh, this is a mission about lifting us up and reclaiming what it means to be a man, man.

01:25:48.040 I'm just glad you guys are on the journey.

01:25:49.720 So we'll let you guys get going, uh, until let's see Friday, right until Friday for our

01:25:53.880 Friday field.

01:25:54.280 And let's go out there, uh, take action, become the man you are meant to be.

01:25:57.980 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.

01:26:00.800 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:26:04.780 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

01:26:10.220 Thank you.

01:26:13.120 Thank you.

Order of Man - January 30, 2019

Managing Expectations, Overcoming an Inferiority Complex, and Eliminating Cover Contracts ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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