Order of Man - Marriage - What to Expect？

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.220 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,

00:00:27.780 and I am the host and the founder of this podcast and the movement that is order of man. I want to

00:00:32.720 welcome you back to your Friday field notes, which is obviously a little different than our

00:00:36.900 interview shows that we do on Tuesday. And then our, of course, our ask me anything that we do

00:00:41.120 on Wednesday. This one, you just get to hear from me. Some of my thoughts and ideas and ramblings

00:00:45.980 from throughout the week. And today I want to talk with you specifically about marriage, what to

00:00:51.000 expect and how you can combat some challenges that you might experience. This one is going to be

00:00:58.260 great for those of you who are getting married soon, or maybe you've been married for a short

00:01:06.080 amount of time. Actually, if you're married at all, or planning on getting married, this is the

00:01:09.780 podcast for you today, because we're going to talk about some things that I've learned in almost 16

00:01:13.800 years of marriage. My wife and I have had some ups and downs and a lot of adventures, goods,

00:01:20.280 bads, ugly. We've had it all, and we've managed to make it work over 16 years. And hopefully that

00:01:25.180 will continue to work over the next 16 years. And I think if you implement some of the things I'm

00:01:28.720 going to share with you today, then you will have a lot of success in your marriage as well.

00:01:33.400 So we'll get to that, get to that in just a minute. I do want to let you know, guys,

00:01:37.220 one of the things that we haven't talked about for quite a while on the podcast is our exclusive

00:01:41.700 brotherhood. It's called the iron council. This is a band, an organization, a fraternity,

00:01:47.600 if you will, of over 500 men. Now all working together to achieve the best results in our lives

00:01:55.040 as fathers and husbands and leaders in the community and owners of businesses and employees,

00:01:59.540 and just aspirational men in general. Every single month we have a new assignment in those assignments

00:02:06.440 focus on a specific topic. This month is all about living heroically and the virtues that

00:02:11.680 we espouse and the virtues we want to live in accordance with, in order to produce in our

00:02:16.220 lives. We also have challenges twice a week. We have weekly calls. You can get on up to two weekly

00:02:22.120 calls throughout the week. And of course you have the camaraderie, the accountability, the brotherhood

00:02:27.020 that comes with finding motivated and ambitious men. I know that a lot of you are struggling

00:02:32.460 to find high caliber men in your area. I think that's kind of just natural. It seems to be that

00:02:40.320 the men who want to achieve are a few and far between. And sometimes within your area, it's

00:02:46.120 difficult to find these types of guys like, like you are. I don't think you'd be listening to the

00:02:49.500 podcast if you weren't to some capacity. So what we've done in iron council is brought them all

00:02:54.500 together and you can tap into it by heading to order of man.com slash iron council. Again,

00:03:00.240 order of man.com slash iron council. All right, guys, with that said, let's just jump right into

00:03:04.700 the conversation today. Obviously we're talking about marriage and what to expect. If you're

00:03:10.160 newly married or are engaged or have some desire in the future to be married, to commit to one woman

00:03:17.480 for the rest of your life, then this is the podcast for you. And you know, if you're, you've been in

00:03:21.560 your marriage for 10, 15, 20, 30 years, then hopefully there'll be some good reminders and refreshers

00:03:26.960 in here that will help you take that marriage to the next level. So let's get into it. You know,

00:03:32.440 marriage is a great, a great commitment. We'll call it a commitment. And that's what it is. I

00:03:38.040 mean, and with any commitment, there's benefits of course, that come with it and their sacrifice.

00:03:41.780 And that's what you need to understand is that regardless of how strong and successful your

00:03:48.900 marriage is, there's going to be ups and downs. There's going to be some give and take. There's

00:03:52.600 going to be some sacrifices made. And hopefully the idea is that in exchange for the sacrifices you

00:03:57.380 make by committing to one woman, there will be some net gains, some benefits that come from

00:04:02.320 that. And that's certainly what I've experienced. My wife is strong and capable and independent,

00:04:08.180 but she also brings an element to my life that just would not be present in any other way. We

00:04:14.340 make a great partnership. She thinks differently about a lot of things than I do. We're on the same

00:04:19.580 page in a lot of ways, which is also important. But she gives me a new perspective. She gives me the

00:04:24.960 support and the comfort and the guidance that I need from time to time as I'm going into the world and

00:04:30.260 doing what it is that I want to be doing. Of course, she's a great partner when it comes to

00:04:34.420 raising our children. And we've had a lot of success together. We've had a lot of fun as well. And I'm

00:04:41.860 excited about what the future holds for us based on what we're implementing. Now, I will say that

00:04:45.620 the inspiration for today's podcast came from Carson Phillips, who is a member of our Facebook group

00:04:51.760 with over, I think we're just under actually 67,000 members in our Facebook group, which is a huge

00:04:59.180 testament to the work that we're doing and how important this is. So Carson, I appreciate you

00:05:03.080 asking this question. I did answer this to a small degree on another podcast a week ago, but I thought

00:05:09.700 this was important that we talk about in greater depth and greater detail. So hopefully this helps

00:05:14.220 you. And by the way, guys, if you aren't part of the Facebook group, then head to facebook.com

00:05:18.840 slash order of man. All right. So what I'm going to do, I've got 10 points here, and I'm going to

00:05:24.220 talk with you, not only about what to expect, because a couple of weeks ago, I said, we shouldn't

00:05:28.820 just look for problems. We should look for solutions. And I talked about that on becoming a man of value,

00:05:34.180 which was a podcast. I did a Friday field notes two weeks ago, I believe. And so we're going to talk

00:05:39.880 about what to expect and some of the challenges that arise in a marriage. And then we're going to talk

00:05:43.940 about specifically 10 things that you can do in order to ensure that you overcome these challenges,

00:05:49.920 that you combat these challenges, and that you have a healthy thriving marriage, the way that

00:05:54.380 those of you who are listening have a desire to be engaged in. So number one is keep that

00:06:00.180 communication open. All right. It's natural that as you partner with another woman, that there's going

00:06:08.200 to be differences of opinion, that there's going to be some contention and animosity. This is natural.

00:06:12.820 Don't think that just because you're in a marriage and it doesn't always go smoothly and according to

00:06:17.080 plan, and you guys always get along or don't always get along that it's indicative of a negative

00:06:24.020 relationship. Sure. It can be, but not necessarily. Right. So you've got to understand that she comes

00:06:31.600 from different experiences, different culture, potentially a background. She views the world

00:06:37.520 differently than you do. She's been raised differently. She's been exposed to different

00:06:42.500 experiences and just like you have. So you aren't always going to agree. And I think we have a

00:06:49.060 tendency specifically men, I think more generally than women to shut down, right? We shut down if

00:06:55.880 something isn't going our way or someone doesn't see it the same way we do, or there's this contention

00:07:00.020 and animosity, or even just a simple disagreement. It's very easy for us just to shut the walls down

00:07:06.440 and to go about our life independently of each other. And we can't do that. We've got to keep

00:07:14.000 the lines of communication open because if you don't, it's going to create animosity and contention

00:07:19.980 and bitterness. And by the way, guys, this is very important. You shutting down the dialogue

00:07:25.160 because you're pissed or upset or whatever doesn't mean that the problem goes away. And I think there's a

00:07:30.440 lot of guys who actually believe that. Hey, you know, if I don't talk about this and we ignore it,

00:07:34.100 then it'll just go away and everything will be fine. It doesn't go away. It just gets covered up.

00:07:39.860 And the more that it gets covered up, the more likely it is that at some point it's going to come

00:07:43.580 to a boiling point and you are going to explode or she's going to explode. And it's going to create

00:07:49.400 some real rifts within the relationship. So you've got to let the steam off. I think I've used this

00:07:54.140 analogy before, but my wife, she enjoys canning and food preservation. And occasionally what she'll do

00:08:02.660 when she's canning vegetables or salsa or whatever, whatever, whatever she's doing, she's got this

00:08:09.080 pressure cooker. And I don't know a whole lot about pressure cookers, but I do know that the way that

00:08:13.500 it works is it heats it up. And then it uses a vacuum essentially, I believe to seal the lid to the

00:08:20.580 can so that the no air is getting into the, into the jars and it preserves the food. Well, it's got this

00:08:26.820 little steam, this little release valve on the top of that pressure cooker. And that release valve

00:08:31.700 is when the pressure builds, the heat is too much. Then that opens up and it lets off some of the steam

00:08:38.280 and vents. And that's a good thing. Otherwise you are literally creating a bomb. That's what it is.

00:08:44.820 She's making a bomb in our kitchen without that release valve. That's what it would be. So it's very

00:08:51.260 much the same when it comes to communication. If you aren't willing to talk about difficult things and

00:08:55.360 have difficult conversations, you're basically building a bomb or she's building a bomb.

00:09:00.380 So if you aren't married, I would definitely, definitely look for the ability to communicate

00:09:06.560 and express herself. I would look for that in a woman, because if she can't do that, you guys are

00:09:11.920 going to have a very difficult time in your marriage. And that's a red flag. That's not a deal breaker.

00:09:16.660 It's just a red flag that needs to be addressed. And my wife and I have had a lot of communication

00:09:21.800 issues early in our marriage because that's the way that she was raised. You don't talk about those

00:09:26.440 problems. You just, you just deal with them. You just drive on. And so that created a lot of

00:09:30.720 contention and animosity. So if you're dating, look for somebody who can communicate effectively,

00:09:35.800 learn to communicate effectively yourself, and then keep those lines of communication open

00:09:40.560 within your marriage. All right. Number two is keep things interesting, right? It's inevitable

00:09:46.260 that your marriage is going to get bland. It's going to get boring. It's going to get mundane.

00:09:50.860 It's going to get monotonous, especially, especially when you start having kids because you're going

00:09:57.280 to be at home and you're changing diapers and you're feeding them and you can't go out because

00:10:02.360 you've got to watch them. I mean, this is the way of life, married life, and specifically the

00:10:07.240 fatherhood life. It's a great thing. It's an amazing, incredible blessing, having children

00:10:11.680 and being in a marriage, but it will get boring and it will get monotonous. So that being said,

00:10:17.660 find ways to keep it interesting, keeping the spark and the spice alive. That's going on vacations.

00:10:22.980 That's going on trips. That's bringing her gifts. That's planning little adventures. I mean,

00:10:29.620 these aren't extravagant things. Maybe you just get a hotel room for the night somewhere else and

00:10:33.720 you guys go and you get away and you get out of the house and you change up your environment.

00:10:37.500 I don't need to get into a lot of detail on this, but you got to keep it interesting guys.

00:10:41.620 And if you fall into the same rut of doing the same thing over and over and over again,

00:10:46.600 and just sitting down and watching TV at night and doing things the same way and having sex the

00:10:51.820 same way and eating the same food and having the same conversations or the same disagreements and

00:10:56.360 and, and, uh, and, and debates it's, it's going to be miserable. And I think this is one thing that a lot

00:11:04.640 of men rail against. And that's why guys will say, you know, we're not meant to be, uh, monogamous,

00:11:10.840 right? We're, we're, we're supposed to have more than one partner. Well, I don't think that's true.

00:11:15.900 I just think that you have to keep things alive. You have to keep things interesting. So find hobbies,

00:11:22.120 find passions, do things together, take some risks, go on some adventures and keep that spark alive.

00:11:27.240 Very, very important. Uh, number three, this one's critical. And this happens to just about every man

00:11:33.260 that I know. Uh, and, and it can be taken to an extreme. So we got to be careful of that. But number

00:11:38.160 three is don't ditch your friends and your hobbies. All right. The problem within the marriage is that

00:11:43.160 it's going to be, especially early on, it's going to be very, very enticing to want to spend all of

00:11:47.960 your time, all of your attention, all of your waking hours with her. I can appreciate that you

00:11:53.640 love this woman. You're infatuated with her, especially early on in the marriage and the

00:11:57.300 relationship. You want to be with her all the time. That's great. That's wonderful. But if you're

00:12:02.360 only with her at the expense of maintaining the relationships you have with your buddies and your

00:12:07.320 family or your brothers, uh, the expense of the hobbies, the hunting, the hiking, the whatever,

00:12:13.060 whatever your hobby is, that's a recipe for disaster. Um, I know that, uh, early on, uh,

00:12:18.900 within our marriage, within the first, uh, three or four years, my wife and I went through a separation.

00:12:23.680 And what I had done up to that point is essentially ditched all of my friends, all of my buddies,

00:12:30.160 because I spent all of my time with her. And as we went through that separation, I found out very,

00:12:34.580 very quickly that I didn't have anybody else around because I had forsaken all of those,

00:12:39.240 those buddies and I didn't have any hobbies. So as we were separated, there was a lot of times where

00:12:44.200 I was bored and didn't have anything to do and couldn't figure anything to do out.

00:12:49.440 Uh, which then led to me thinking more about her and the relationship. And that was a real dark time

00:12:55.200 for me. Uh, it's healthy to have a relationship with a woman and be infatuated with her and want to

00:13:01.600 spend time with her. It's also healthy to have some boys. All right. It's healthy to have the guys

00:13:07.160 to go shooting with, or to go camping with, or, uh, do some martial arts together or go on a hike

00:13:13.400 or whatever it is that you do. That's a healthy practice. And you will come back into the relationship,

00:13:19.580 more engaged, uh, more involved, greater capability of loving her, of loving your family,

00:13:27.760 leading your children, because you're focused on taking care of yourself. Now this can be taken

00:13:32.540 to the extreme. I know that there's guys out there, for example, during hunting season that

00:13:36.560 for three or four months out of the year, they're nowhere to be found. And you know, if that works

00:13:40.860 for your dynamic. Okay. Uh, but I would tread lightly on that, uh, because that's might be too much

00:13:47.520 and it might place too much strain on the relationship. So there's a healthy balance. And, um,

00:13:52.520 I don't know what it is exactly, but you can find it and you've got to find it. Uh, and, and just,

00:13:59.520 just be aware of how much time you're spending with her relative to how much time you're spending away

00:14:03.520 and with your buddies and, and continue to work that balance until you feel like you've got it to

00:14:08.440 a point where, where it makes sense for both of you. Uh, number five, I'm going to switch up the

00:14:14.240 order real, real quick on this. Number five is also encourage her to take care of herself. I noticed a

00:14:20.600 lot of guys in, uh, in our Facebook group and guys who messaged me, who say things like, you know,

00:14:26.100 my, my wife is, is, is lazy. Uh, she doesn't take care of herself. She doesn't have any girlfriends.

00:14:31.340 She doesn't do anything for herself. And obviously that's a problem. Uh, I used to be the guy that

00:14:38.440 when my wife wanted to go do things with her friend or her mom or sister, uh, and really go take

00:14:44.060 care of herself, I would make her feel guilty for that. I would make her feel bad for wanting to be away.

00:14:50.600 And so she wouldn't go because she didn't want to feel like that. And so I felt like I had one,

00:14:54.960 well, I didn't win because she ran into the same issues that I ran into because I forsaken all of

00:15:02.540 my friends and all of my hobbies. And, uh, it created some animosity and contention within the

00:15:07.380 relationship. It was, it was, it was purely selfish for me not to encourage her to foster and to

00:15:15.100 create the environment where she felt comfortable going out to spend time with the girls, going out

00:15:22.020 and spending time doing things that were important to her. I wasn't letting her do that because I was

00:15:27.440 emotionally manipulating the situation. Now I'm to the point where I want her to go take care of

00:15:33.740 herself. I want her to be involved in classes and courses and have girlfriends and they go do things

00:15:38.140 together again, not to the extreme, but because I know that when she goes to take care of herself,

00:15:43.680 then she can come back into our marriage as a wife. And as a mother, more engaged, more interested,

00:15:51.060 more capable of being the type of wife and mother that she has a desire to be. So don't make her feel

00:15:57.180 guilty. Don't make her feel bad for wanting to take care of herself. In fact, foster it, encourage it.

00:16:02.260 Cause I know there's plenty of men out there who are in a situation where their, their spouse does

00:16:08.760 not take care of herself. And she really needs to do that. And you need to be the catalyst to be able

00:16:13.960 to make that happen. So that's number five, number four. And again, I switched these up a little bit

00:16:18.660 because that made more sense to go there. But number four is creating boundaries and standard

00:16:23.300 operating procedures for disagreements, boundaries and standard operating procedures for disagreements.

00:16:28.460 You have to decide the way that you're going to respond in the heat of the moment before the heat

00:16:33.580 of the moment. All right. You guys are going to have disagreements. You're not going to be on the

00:16:37.560 same page on everything. Maybe it's a financial issue or a health issue or a raising kids and

00:16:44.200 disciplining issue, but there's going to be some contention. There's going to be some disagreeing

00:16:48.460 here, especially on these important things. But if you don't have some sort of boundaries that

00:16:53.460 you've established with her and she doesn't have those boundaries as well and standard operating

00:16:58.440 procedures for the way in which you'll have discussions and debates, that's going to create

00:17:02.620 a real problem. I remember specifically that there's been times in my life where I have in

00:17:08.200 our relationship where I have said to her, I won't be talked to like that. We can have this discussion.

00:17:13.860 We can get on the same page. We can compromise. We can do what we need to do, but I will not be

00:17:19.560 talked to like that. And she said that to me. And because we established these rules, we uphold these

00:17:26.420 boundaries with each other. We call each other out because step number one is keeping the

00:17:31.000 communication open. Everything seems to run that much smoother. Yeah. It's difficult when somebody

00:17:36.080 says, I won't, I won't have you talk to me like that, but we've already established this. There's

00:17:40.860 no guesswork. It's, it's written in stone and we are willing to uphold this with each other and things

00:17:48.220 go better. Everybody is so not everybody, but a lot of people are so unwilling to uphold boundaries

00:17:54.420 because they think, uh, it having boundaries poses a risk to the relationship. It's not true.

00:18:00.500 Not having boundaries poses the greater risk to the relationship. If you have the boundaries in

00:18:05.900 place, they're set. You both know what they are. You've both communicated with each other.

00:18:09.840 The expectation is clear. And then you're willing to uphold those conversations, those boundaries

00:18:14.600 and standard operating procedures. Everything will go more smoothly, not completely smooth without

00:18:19.780 friction, but more smoothly than it would had you not had those in place. So think about what

00:18:24.180 those are, communicate those and work through those. All right. Number six. And I talked about this a

00:18:30.340 couple of weeks ago on that Friday field note podcast, where I talked about becoming a man of

00:18:35.960 value. What I'm talking about here is proposing solutions, not just whining, right? There's a lot of

00:18:44.940 guys who will whine and they'll complain and they'll talk about how hard work was and how bad their life is.

00:18:52.780 And they got passed over for the promotion and they're not doing what they need to do. And that's

00:18:58.060 pathetic. All right. It's, it's, it's, it's a turnoff to women. Like when, what women are looking for is

00:19:05.280 strong, bold, confident, capable men. And when you whine and you complain and bitch and moan and gripe about

00:19:14.920 woe is me and how hard work is and life isn't fair and all of this other stuff, you were undermining, you were

00:19:22.260 literally digging out the foundation of confidence and competence with her. And that's what she's after. That's why she

00:19:30.580 married you because she either saw potential in you or recognize something that you were already doing that showed

00:19:36.200 her that you were a man who was capable of protecting, providing, and presiding for her and your future

00:19:43.620 children together. And when you whine and you gripe and moan about everything that's going wrong in your

00:19:49.220 life, you are undermining that. Now let me be clear on this. I'm not telling you that you shouldn't talk

00:19:55.320 about these things. I think you should use some discernment. I don't talk about all the, the, the range

00:20:00.840 of emotions or challenges I'm, I'm struggling with in my life with my wife. I don't talk about

00:20:05.320 everything. I use discernment, but if there's something that's truly bothering me or something

00:20:09.080 I'm dealing with, yeah, I mentioned it, but not from the context of griping and moaning and complaining

00:20:13.920 from the context of, Hey, you know, I have this thing going on with work and I'm really struggling

00:20:18.540 with X, Y, and Z. And this is the key. And here's what I'm going to do about it. What do you think about

00:20:25.500 that? Right? That's different than just whining about it. Now you're proposing solutions. You're

00:20:30.700 being solution oriented. You are acting like a man. Here's the problem. Here's the solution.

00:20:35.600 I would love your perspective and input because you think differently than me. Isn't that the

00:20:40.280 point of a marriage? You think differently than me. You behave differently than me. You can see things

00:20:46.040 that I am not capable of seeing on my own because I'm looking at it from my, my perspective, my

00:20:52.460 experiences, my biology, my makeup, and who I am as a man. I need you as a woman with your

00:20:59.440 perspective and your makeup and your biology to look at it and tell me if there's some areas

00:21:04.300 that I ought to consider, but you come with a solution to your problems, not just the problems

00:21:09.800 themselves, which leads nicely into point number seven is you're not there to be her child.

00:21:15.820 All right. She didn't marry you so that she could have a son to take care of. And a lot of guys do this.

00:21:22.960 Surprisingly, they act like their wife's son, the child, and they think it's cute, right? And maybe

00:21:30.000 even the wife thinks it's cute for a minute because she gets a lot of attention and she feels special

00:21:36.460 and she feels wanted, but just like a new puppy, it gradually wears off and you become more of

00:21:43.860 annoyance than anybody excited to have you around. So don't be immature. Don't weigh on her so heavy

00:21:53.040 that she's got to be not only the woman, but also the man of the relationship. We see this with a lot

00:21:59.780 of single mothers. They're burnout. They're burn up because dad's not around for whatever reason.

00:22:05.100 He passed away. There's a divorce. He's out of the situation, whatever it may be. And now this,

00:22:11.120 this, this, this wife, this mother is having to play both the feminine motherly wife role,

00:22:19.680 and also the masculine fatherly husband role. It's not productive. It's not healthy. And you need to

00:22:29.880 step up as the man. If you can step up as the man, it gives her the opportunity and the freedom

00:22:37.140 to step fully into the feminine role, which is what you want, right? Don't we all want a feminine

00:22:43.500 woman? Like I don't, I don't want to be married to a masculine woman. And I don't want to put her in

00:22:49.120 the position where she feels like she has to be the man of the house. I want a feminine woman. And in

00:22:54.260 order to create that freedom and flexibility and the, the space for her to do that, then I need to be

00:23:01.060 assertive in stepping into the manly role so that she can step into the womanly role. And this is how

00:23:08.460 the relationship works. That goes back to not whining. That goes to the third component of what

00:23:14.260 it means to be a man, which is preside leadership, having clear vision, having an expectation,

00:23:19.540 being able to cast and communicate that vision effectively, being able to have a plan and a strategy

00:23:26.040 and start working towards that plan for your career, for your kids, for her, for life in general

00:23:33.100 is your job to do that. And if you're acting like a boy, and let me tell you the difference between a

00:23:38.720 boy and a man is personal accountability and responsibility. That's what it is. Has nothing

00:23:43.820 to do with age, right? I know some young men who act more manly than 30, 40, 50 year old males

00:23:52.960 because they're accepting more responsibility and accountability in their own life. That's the

00:23:59.360 difference. So if you're blaming other people or outside circumstances for your lack of performance

00:24:06.840 or, or not getting what it is that you want out of life, then you're acting by definition like a boy.

00:24:14.080 And if you're acting like a boy, then you're forcing her to step into the motherly role.

00:24:20.120 And she doesn't want to be your mom. She wants to be your wife. She wants to be your partner.

00:24:25.220 She wants to be an advocate for you. She wants to believe in you. My wife probably believes in me

00:24:32.720 more than she believes in my boys. Why? Because I've proved it to her that I have accountability

00:24:39.520 and responsibility, not only for myself, but for her, for my kids, for our life in general. So be a man,

00:24:45.320 not a child. Number eight, pick your battles. All right. We've talked about this. You guys aren't

00:24:51.800 going to agree on everything. Not everything's going to be the same different experiences, cultures,

00:24:55.740 backgrounds, et cetera, et cetera. You're not always going to agree on this stuff, but you have to be

00:25:00.320 willing to pick your battles. Not everything is worth a fight. And I'm not saying roll over and I'm

00:25:05.480 not saying be passive or be weak or cowardly or pathetic. That's not what I'm saying. But what I am

00:25:10.600 saying is that there are certain things that just aren't worth fighting about. And if you can,

00:25:14.860 if there was a point system, if you could save the points, then allocate those effectively.

00:25:22.500 And there's just certain that you're gonna have to decide what they are, but there's just certain

00:25:26.220 things that aren't worth the battle. Are you willing to die on every Hill that you could potentially

00:25:32.180 run up against? I hope not. I hope that there's certain things that you, you take very seriously.

00:25:37.400 And I hope there's other things that, you know, she can, she can have the W on that one.

00:25:42.280 You know, like if it's where you want to go eat or the way the house is decorated or whatever,

00:25:47.960 there's all sorts of different scenarios. Then, you know, maybe it's okay. It's all right. Or what

00:25:53.520 she wants to do that evening together or what movie you guys want to watch. Okay. Yeah. You win.

00:25:57.900 I'll do that for you. Right. And then the things that really matter to you, then you get to stand firm

00:26:04.320 and claim those as victories for yourself. And by the way, I say this like victories, like there's

00:26:08.280 a winner and a loser. There shouldn't ever be a winner and a loser. You should both win. Right.

00:26:13.680 And just because somebody had to compromise doesn't mean they didn't win, but you've got to

00:26:18.780 make those compromises. You got to make those sacrifices and frame it in a position that, you

00:26:23.360 know, this isn't a zero sum game that if I win, you lose or you win, I lose. It's not, we can both

00:26:28.240 win, but some battles just aren't worth fighting for. You identify what those are and don't be so

00:26:33.480 hard-headed. All right. Both men and women can be hard-headed. My wife is hard-headed, but so am I.

00:26:38.400 And we have a tendency at times to want to fight battles that we don't even care about just so we

00:26:43.520 can say we won. It's ridiculous. And yet we both do it. We both fall into that trap. So it is something

00:26:48.420 to be aware of. It's something to expect, especially if you have a strong willed wife, which I like having

00:26:54.580 a strong willed wife that that's actually what I want. I mean, I can't imagine having a spineless

00:26:59.100 coward as a, as a companion, like that would be miserable. So she pushes on me. She challenges me

00:27:04.660 in a good way. And isn't that also what we want? I actually want challenge. I want push and pull and

00:27:12.500 strain and tugging in the relationship, healthy, healthy strain. But I want that strain because

00:27:17.680 that's what helps us be better. If there was no tension in the relationship between husband and wife,

00:27:23.040 like would either one of us be improving? No, not at all. So that healthy tension is a good thing.

00:27:28.420 So I look, I looked for a strong, assertive, independent, bold, confident woman. That's

00:27:33.400 exactly who I found. And she's become more so in a relationship because of her personality and because

00:27:38.620 I helped foster that. And she's helped foster it within me as well. So if you've got a strong,

00:27:43.980 bold, assertive woman, congratulations. If you don't like maybe work on fostering that within her

00:27:50.000 and letting her know it's okay to be that way. And we do that by deciding which battles are worth

00:27:53.940 fighting and which ones are not. All right. Number nine, be a good listener. Now, any guy who's been

00:27:59.040 married for any amount of time will tell you that not all women want, well, I would say all women

00:28:06.520 aren't always looking for a solution. In fact, in my experience, the majority of the time when women

00:28:13.000 come to me, my wife specifically, and comes to me and shares a problem or a struggle or something

00:28:17.840 she's dealing with, she's not looking for me to solve problems. I can, I can see it very clearly,

00:28:23.100 just like you can. It's like, well, don't do this, do this, do this. And that pistols are off even

00:28:26.680 more. Be a good listener, which means you actually hear what she's saying and not only hear it,

00:28:32.300 but you process it, right? Like it's easier to hear. It's like the Charlie Brown, like wah,

00:28:37.200 wah, wah, wah. That's here. You heard something, but did you listen? Did you process it? That's the

00:28:43.720 difference. And if you can't process what she's telling you and then respond accordingly,

00:28:50.420 which sometimes might just be nodding your head or saying, oh man, that does suck. Or that's really

00:28:57.200 hard. You know, what, what are you thinking? What are you going to do about it? Now, look,

00:29:00.260 it's hard because we, as men know, and we're solution oriented. That was point, I think number

00:29:04.020 two or three, right? Is like, or maybe it was, I don't know. It was one of the points I said,

00:29:08.280 be solution oriented in this context. I'm telling you that the solution is not to give

00:29:15.140 her the answer. Even though you feel like you clearly know what it is. The solution is

00:29:20.340 that she's not looking for the answer. She's looking for you to listen and to be a sounding

00:29:26.260 board. And for somebody that she can just work through and process some of her thoughts

00:29:31.200 is this very challenging. It's one of the most challenging things, believe it or not, inside

00:29:35.420 of a marriage is to just shut up. And obviously, because I've done probably close to 600 podcasts

00:29:43.400 at this point, I like the sound of my own voice. I like to talk. I'm never at a loss for words.

00:29:50.100 And so this poses a real challenge in our relationship. And the other day we were discussing

00:29:57.120 some, some issues. I'll say that some issues that she was dealing with. And it was with another

00:30:03.600 person. And I said, you know, you just need to be bold and assertive. And, and I saw something

00:30:08.980 on Instagram and I sent it to her and I said, Hey, I just sent you something on Instagram that

00:30:12.560 I think might, might help or give you some perspective. And she said something, what did

00:30:17.000 she say? She said, if it's a post that you made, like if it's from you personally, I'm going

00:30:22.640 to kick you in the nuts. And that's exactly what I'm talking about. Like sometimes they don't

00:30:29.720 want to hear any solutions from you. And I said, it's not something from me. It's from,

00:30:33.600 from someone else. She's like, okay, that's okay then. But that's a hard pill to swallow. It's like,

00:30:38.120 I have the, I have the solution. I just want to give it to you so bad. Don't do it. You just sit

00:30:42.100 there, shut up, listen, don't hear necessarily, but listen, and then respond accordingly based on

00:30:48.220 what she's looking for. That's the solution. All right. And the last one here guys is include her

00:30:55.660 in on your visions, your aspirations, your decision-making process, include her in.

00:31:03.100 If you make these decisions on your own, especially these big life decisions about what you're going to

00:31:07.900 do for work and how your day was and where you guys want to live and what you want to do as career

00:31:12.840 aspirations and how many kids you want to have and the vacations and everything about life.

00:31:18.360 If you're not including her and incorporating her thoughts and ideas and her into the decision-making

00:31:23.780 process, not only are you doing yourself a disservice, but you're doing her a disservice.

00:31:28.600 Like she has dreams. She has goals. She has aspirations. And what makes yours more important

00:31:34.240 than hers? And what makes her is more important than yours. You've decided voluntarily to enter into

00:31:39.640 this relationship, this agreement, this covenant between you and her. And you've agreed that you will

00:31:46.960 take her feedback and her, uh, her, her, her perspective into consideration and she will do the same

00:31:56.980 and, uh, be careful of making these decisions and living life without her. You know, you've agreed to be

00:32:05.180 with her hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder partners in life. That means that your partners, that means

00:32:10.940 she gets a say too. And I had a really interesting, I'll call it interesting. It was a very strange

00:32:16.580 podcast the other day. And we were talking about, uh, a man leading a woman. And he was talking about,

00:32:22.540 should a woman obey, obey her husband? And I said, you know, I don't really like that. That term obey.

00:32:28.760 I think, uh, I think it has a negative connotation. Like she just has to, she has to subject herself to me.

00:32:35.660 Now I will say that my wife respects me. She listens to me. She is led by me because I've earned

00:32:42.840 that. She's not obligated to obey me. I've earned the right to lead her well and to, uh, have her

00:32:51.540 voluntarily decide to follow me. But that doesn't mean that I don't include her in on the decisions

00:32:56.800 I'm making or the considerations that I'm mulling over. These are important things to share. And

00:33:01.620 you're going to get a new perspective again, that you haven't considered before. So there it is,

00:33:05.600 guys, that's, uh, that's 10, 10 strategies to, uh, overcome some potential pitfalls and

00:33:12.900 frustrations in a marriage. And of course, you know, some things to expect as you're entering

00:33:16.780 into a marriage as a, as a new husband or a fiance. Um, it's very important that we take these things

00:33:22.300 into consideration. So let me recap here and then we'll wrap it up and call it a day. Number one is

00:33:26.920 keep the communication open. Uh, number two is keep things interesting. Number three, don't,

00:33:33.320 don't ditch your hobbies and your friends. Uh, number four, encourage her to take care of herself

00:33:39.520 by having friends and hobbies that she can engage in. Number five is establish those boundaries and

00:33:44.220 standard operating procedures for disagreements. Number six is focus on solutions, not just the

00:33:50.360 problems. Don't be whining and complaining to her. Number seven is do not be her child. Be her husband.

00:33:55.120 Number eight, pick your battles. Not everything is worth fighting for. Know what is and, and is not

00:33:59.880 number nine, be a good listener. Listen, right. Don't just hear, but listen and then respond

00:34:05.220 accordingly. And then number 10, include her in, uh, the decisions and aspirations and goals and

00:34:12.140 everything that you have going to be better off. I know that's a challenge at times, especially when

00:34:16.420 you get into the thick of things and there's emotions and disagreements and challenges and

00:34:20.480 outside factors at play here. But I'm telling you, if you can take those 10 things to heart and then try

00:34:24.760 to incorporate those on a daily basis, you will be much more likely to thrive within your relationship

00:34:30.040 and, uh, and have the kind of, uh, marriage that you have a desire to have. I mean, isn't that the

00:34:35.960 goal? You know, you don't enter into a marriage for the hopes that one day it will end. You enter into

00:34:40.900 a marriage because you think this is a, uh, this is a partner that you can walk hand in hand with for

00:34:46.520 the rest of life and be better off for it. And then also, uh, make her life better for it as well.

00:34:51.360 So incorporate those 10 steps. All right, guys, if you have any more, let's continue the conversation.

00:34:55.740 If you're listening to this on the podcast, then you could follow along on Instagram, Twitter, or

00:35:00.560 Facebook at Ryan Mickler. Uh, if you're watching this on YouTube, then you can drop your comments

00:35:05.300 below and let me know if you agree or you disagree, or you would add any other things that other men

00:35:10.060 need to consider, but let's continue the conversation outside of this podcast, because, uh, this is

00:35:15.060 definitely, definitely one that we need to have. So with that said, we'll call it a day. I'll be back

00:35:19.820 next week for an interview and an ask me anything. And another Friday field notes, we're putting out

00:35:23.380 three podcasts per week. So make sure you subscribe. And also on a parting note, uh, again, check out

00:35:29.300 the iron council, which is our exclusive brotherhood. Uh, you can do that at order of men.com slash

00:35:34.620 iron council. All right, guys, get out there, go out there, take action, become the man you are meant

00:35:39.600 to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

00:35:44.440 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - March 20, 2020

Marriage - What to Expect？｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Hate Speech Sentences

Summary

Transcript