Order of Man - Masculinity： When Men Cry ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 If you're trying to be a father in the moment and your kids need you to not cry because they need you to be strong and stoic and present and available mentally, emotionally, so they can cry, then it's not appropriate for you to.

00:00:11.400 If you're really upset about, for example, your mother passing away, but you're at work and you're sitting down with a client, probably not appropriate to bawl your eyes out in front of them because you have work to do as a man.

00:00:21.580 But yes, sometimes you need to stuff it and say, hey, I'm just going to put a pin in that crying for a minute.

00:00:26.980 I'm going to do my work. I'll come back to that when it's appropriate.

00:00:30.780 So when is it appropriate?

00:00:34.020 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest.

00:00:37.080 Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:40.000 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time.

00:00:43.360 Every time you are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.

00:00:49.020 This is your life. This is who you are.

00:00:52.040 This is who you will become at the end of the day.

00:00:54.740 And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:01:00.080 All right, Kip, now that we got all the banter out of the way pre-recording, we can actually get started.

00:01:05.120 So I figured, you know, some of the banter is good for the guys.

00:01:08.000 Some of it, they probably just don't give a crap about any of the things that we talk about.

00:01:12.040 Although it is a little bit of a necessity just to touch base really quick before we hit the record button.

00:01:19.020 It's always good, so.

00:01:21.660 Just to ease us into it a little bit.

00:01:24.340 Well, good.

00:01:24.740 Well, should we get to some headlines and then we'll get to some questions for today?

00:01:28.260 Yeah, you're first on the headlines.

00:01:29.580 I might disappoint on the headlines, to be honest with you.

00:01:32.860 But I have some opinions to share nonetheless.

00:01:36.440 Okay.

00:01:36.980 Well, we're never at a loss for opinions.

00:01:39.300 So that's good.

00:01:41.820 You know, obviously this week or weekend, the big headline is opening ceremonies for the 2024 Olympics.

00:01:51.360 And the outrage right now is that the opening ceremonies consisted of drag queens, essentially, 1.00

00:01:57.820 and a guy that looked like a smurf.

00:01:59.580 I don't really understand what that was about.

00:02:01.340 That's kind of dope.

00:02:03.000 And did you see it?

00:02:04.020 I saw, I've heard all the upset about it, but I didn't watch it.

00:02:08.840 Yeah, he's like blue.

00:02:09.580 He's like painted as a smurf.

00:02:10.980 I'm like, I don't know what that is.

00:02:12.220 But anyways, they basically, essentially, they recreated Da Vinci's The Last Supper.

00:02:17.560 And everybody's all outraged and upset.

00:02:20.860 And I'm not outraged about it.

00:02:22.460 It's really disrespectful.

00:02:25.180 And it's by design.

00:02:27.940 Most of these people, these deconstructionists, they hate modern civilization.

00:02:34.620 They hate God.

00:02:35.900 They hate religion.

00:02:37.380 They hate goodness.

00:02:38.840 And so they just attempt to make a mockery out of it.

00:02:41.480 And they do it on purpose, deliberately and intentionally, to get a rise out of people.

00:02:47.140 I have friends like that.

00:02:48.340 They'll jump on Facebook and they say the most outlandish things, not because they actually

00:02:52.440 believe it, but because they just want to piss people off, it seems like.

00:02:57.440 And to a degree, it's funny.

00:02:59.340 But that's what these people do.

00:03:00.920 And what's frustrating to me is that we give them platforms and we take them seriously.

00:03:09.680 And the best thing that we can do is to not participate in the shenanigans.

00:03:17.140 Meaning, just turn off the Olympics.

00:03:19.860 Yeah.

00:03:21.180 Just don't watch the Olympics.

00:03:24.640 Don't support the Olympics.

00:03:26.840 Don't buy from the sponsors who are sponsoring the Olympics.

00:03:30.000 Don't go to those countries during the Olympics.

00:03:32.780 We can vote with the most important thing, our time, attention, and our money.

00:03:38.800 And the more that we drop all this stuff all over social media, that they're getting exactly

00:03:44.720 what they want.

00:03:46.040 They want the attention.

00:03:47.560 They want the eyeballs. 0.90

00:03:49.560 They want the outrage because it drives traffic to their videos and their events and things

00:03:57.760 like this.

00:03:58.160 And then they can profit off of it.

00:03:59.580 So if you just cut off the fuel source, you know, I've got a candle that sits on my table

00:04:05.880 out there.

00:04:06.420 And so I lit the candle the other day.

00:04:07.980 And then to turn to, I can't even think of it, but not to have it go anymore.

00:04:14.160 You just put a lid on it, right?

00:04:15.300 Because then all of a sudden it chokes itself out.

00:04:17.540 There's no more oxygen for that candle to burn.

00:04:21.000 So that's what we need to do.

00:04:23.520 We cannot give these people platforms.

00:04:25.160 We cannot give them our hard-earned dollars.

00:04:27.480 And instead, why don't we take our money and take our attention and our energy and start

00:04:32.060 shifting it and focusing it on good, wholesome entertainment, uplifting, edifying content,

00:04:39.000 educational, inspiring, entertaining mediums, and all of that other stuff.

00:04:45.780 Just let it go.

00:04:46.700 I mean, some stuff we need to get brought up and we need to pay attention to because it's

00:04:50.640 so egregious that we can't allow it to even exist.

00:04:53.420 But in most cases, it's just fake outrage.

00:04:57.940 They're trying to work you up and let's just divert our time, energy, and resources into

00:05:02.660 more productive activities.

00:05:04.640 Do you think, so there was an apology that was given, right, by the Olympics for that

00:05:14.400 opening ceremony.

00:05:16.280 That implies, do you think they didn't know or is this all part of the strategy?

00:05:20.860 Like, they knew what it was about.

00:05:23.260 It would generate clickbait.

00:05:25.080 It would create a wildfire.

00:05:26.880 And then if it gets too high or too heightened, we'll do an apology.

00:05:30.260 No harm, no foul.

00:05:31.660 We're all better off for it.

00:05:33.520 Of course they knew.

00:05:35.220 Yeah.

00:05:35.660 Because they did the Last Supper on purpose.

00:05:40.080 Or how would the committee not know what the entertainment.

00:05:42.200 They deliberately intentionally did that.

00:05:43.040 Yeah.

00:05:43.620 Yeah, exactly.

00:05:45.260 Like, that's the point of it.

00:05:46.560 Yeah.

00:05:46.780 And then we live in this culture now where apologies and accountability, apologies exist,

00:05:54.700 but a real apology doesn't.

00:05:55.760 Yeah.

00:05:55.980 Accountability does not exist.

00:05:57.560 A great example of that, and this is a little different now because the, I can't remember

00:06:03.440 her name, the director of the Secret Service, you know, it's the charade.

00:06:07.320 It's you go in front of Congress, you say, you plead the fifth, or you give them no answers,

00:06:12.320 and you say, I don't recall, and we're in an investigation, there's no answers, there's

00:06:16.840 no accountability, and then she just decides to stick around.

00:06:19.240 Now, at this point, there may not be a great example because she ultimately did step

00:06:24.000 down, but there's zero accountability, so I could just say the most outlandish thing to

00:06:30.180 anybody or about anything, and then I could just come in and say sorry, and, you know,

00:06:34.320 the next minute, somebody will be outraged about something else.

00:06:37.020 So, it's, it was deliberate, it's intentional, so don't even apologize.

00:06:42.320 It's better if you don't apologize because you don't actually really care.

00:06:46.220 What you care about is that other people got upset, not that you did the wrong thing.

00:06:50.860 Yeah.

00:06:51.680 Yeah, totally.

00:06:52.860 Totally.

00:06:53.180 You know, I, for me, I think the, the main thing that crossed my mind, obviously, this

00:06:59.560 was all over the internet, and so I was thinking about the, the same thing about how much of

00:07:06.320 this was, like, highly intentional, just knowing it would be controversial, knowing that it would

00:07:14.480 fire people up, you know, it would just create a wildfire of awareness of what they're doing

00:07:20.980 because that's what happens even when we complain, like, look at us, right?

00:07:24.480 Anybody that didn't know about it, no, now, now knows about it because we're even talking

00:07:28.320 about it, right?

00:07:28.900 So, it, it drives awareness of something.

00:07:31.480 Um, and then the only other thing that crossed my mind this weekend that just, I don't understand

00:07:37.700 how we've gotten here.

00:07:38.680 And I don't have a strong, uh, believe it or not, a strong opinion about, I have a strong

00:07:44.540 opinion about the event, but I don't have anything to say for it other than I'm just,

00:07:48.720 I'm amazed how naive we are about history.

00:07:53.360 And, and that really is founded in the people that were, uh, the American communist protests

00:08:00.200 in, in Philadelphia, right?

00:08:01.860 Where we have U.S. citizens march in the streets of Philly, suggesting that we need to go in the

00:08:10.480 direction of communism.

00:08:11.560 And it blows my mind that we are so naive that that has been tried and it doesn't work.

00:08:21.440 And, or even what it means for them, right?

00:08:24.920 Like, are you honestly okay with no private property?

00:08:29.600 You don't own private property, right?

00:08:33.320 It's given to you.

00:08:34.080 That's what you want, right?

00:08:36.140 Like, I don't know if people ever complete the thought, right?

00:08:40.820 Or if it's just tribalization and they feel like they're fighting.

00:08:44.100 I don't understand where the naiveness is coming from or the lack of critical thinking,

00:08:51.500 but it just, I don't know.

00:08:53.260 It blows my mind, man.

00:08:54.720 And, and more and more, I was talking with our, I have some theories on that.

00:08:58.120 Well, and I was talking with our good friend.

00:09:00.280 Um, she's in town from London and she was asking me about politics and she's like, well,

00:09:05.040 what's your take on this and take on that.

00:09:07.120 And, and I, I'm like, you know what, Susie, I go in the grand scheme of things.

00:09:12.240 We're, I think as citizens, we get what the, where our government is an outward expression

00:09:18.600 of where we are socially.

00:09:21.640 Definitely.

00:09:22.320 And that's, that's the sad part.

00:09:24.000 Collectively.

00:09:24.340 That's the sad part is collectively we're getting exactly what we've asked for.

00:09:29.960 And, um, and that, that makes me sad, but it also reinforces what we're doing.

00:09:35.040 What we're doing here in the iron council within order of man and the way we show up in our

00:09:40.700 homes is ultimately the most critical thing.

00:09:44.500 Um, and so maybe that's my takeaway is just what we're doing is, is on the right path.

00:09:49.580 Um, and we need to keep up the fight.

00:09:52.780 What was your thoughts though?

00:09:53.940 Yeah.

00:09:54.100 Of why people are not only, not only keep it up, but maximize it.

00:09:59.520 Continue.

00:09:59.900 Um, well really there's, there's two camps.

00:10:03.780 There's evil people and then there's ignorant people and evil people are the ones, uh, making

00:10:09.300 the decisions, calling the shots, the ignorant that you also often hear them called useful

00:10:13.400 idiots.

00:10:14.100 They are, they're idiots.

00:10:15.300 They're naive.

00:10:16.080 You said naive.

00:10:16.960 They're ignorant.

00:10:17.720 They don't know.

00:10:18.900 And the reason they don't know is because of this.

00:10:21.080 This is my theory.

00:10:21.720 Anyways, there's the Overton window.

00:10:23.300 Are you familiar with this?

00:10:24.160 Yeah.

00:10:24.420 Glenn Black wrote a book.

00:10:25.720 So the Overton window.

00:10:26.940 Around this concept.

00:10:27.880 Oh, he did.

00:10:28.500 Okay.

00:10:28.660 I haven't read it, but the Overton window is basically in this context, the window of

00:10:34.340 that, which is acceptable in the political space.

00:10:36.820 You know, you have the far left and you have the far right, but there's the Overton window.

00:10:41.680 That's where 99% of the population exists.

00:10:45.100 And so what ends up happening is if you push too hard past the Overton window, it's not comfortable

00:10:51.400 for people and they revolt against it.

00:10:53.220 A great example of that was Bud Light.

00:10:54.980 Bud Light pushed too far outside of the Overton window and they got hurt bad because of it,

00:11:02.180 which is good.

00:11:02.940 But you know what?

00:11:04.160 The Overton window just shifted a little bit.

00:11:07.480 Yeah.

00:11:08.220 It doesn't stay there.

00:11:10.020 It just shifts a little bit.

00:11:12.100 So when Pepsi, or not Pepsi, excuse me, Bud Light takes three steps forward past the range

00:11:18.600 of the acceptable Overton window, when they backpedal, they only take two steps back.

00:11:25.280 They don't take the three steps back.

00:11:26.880 They take the two steps back.

00:11:28.380 And then the next time they take their three, two, three, two, three, two.

00:11:32.360 And all of a sudden now you have this Overton window that shifts so far that you have guys

00:11:38.000 like Bill Maher and Joe Rogan and Elon Musk and even Mark Zuckerberg was making comments

00:11:47.000 about Trump being badass after that assassination attempt.

00:11:50.340 And it's been pushed so far that the Liberal Party, the Democratic Party is no longer recognizable

00:12:00.600 as what it was 20, 30 years ago.

00:12:04.040 So in order to combat that, the reality is you can't just be neutral because people are going

00:12:14.300 to keep pushing on you.

00:12:15.220 At some point, you have to fight back and you have to push the Overton window back this

00:12:22.340 way.

00:12:23.300 And I hope that's what conservatives can do.

00:12:26.880 I hope that's what Christians will do.

00:12:28.980 Christians don't do that. 0.99

00:12:29.960 Christians are weak. 1.00

00:12:31.040 Modern day Christians are weak. 1.00

00:12:32.380 Yeah.

00:12:33.420 Agreed.

00:12:34.000 Their biggest virtue is niceness.

00:12:39.600 Just be nice.

00:12:40.420 You have to be nice.

00:12:41.240 Jesus wants you to be nice.

00:12:42.500 Jesus was nice.

00:12:43.200 Oh, it's so misconstrued.

00:12:45.820 So really.

00:12:47.000 He wasn't nice.

00:12:48.160 He was kind, empathetic, compassionate, but he was also passionate.

00:12:52.980 Totally.

00:12:53.500 He was also convicted.

00:12:55.620 He died a horrible, gruesome, miserable death for what he believed in.

00:13:02.800 He was not a pacifist.

00:13:04.360 Yeah.

00:13:05.020 He was a champion of Christianity, of those virtues.

00:13:09.500 So we need strong people who are not going to just simply say, yeah, it's okay.

00:13:15.560 Like, I don't want to make it kind of resist.

00:13:17.440 No, we need fighters.

00:13:18.680 Yeah.

00:13:19.520 We need fighters who are going to push back in hard ways.

00:13:22.740 And that's a little bit about the point I was making with where you spend your money

00:13:27.540 and your time, your energy.

00:13:28.800 Fight back and put it into other avenues that are better for you.

00:13:33.640 Totally.

00:13:34.480 Totally.

00:13:35.120 I love it, man.

00:13:35.780 All right, let's tackle the foundry first.

00:13:39.000 We have some questions from the Iron Council.

00:13:41.440 To learn more about the Iron Council, go to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil.

00:13:44.980 And then we'll jump over to our Facebook group.

00:13:47.060 That's facebook.com slash group slash orderofman.

00:13:50.880 Adam Lewis, how to address a passing of a parent, mother in particular, suddenly while also having

00:13:58.080 your first son within a week.

00:13:59.560 Um, he said, he mentioned this internally within Iron Council, which is one of the greatest

00:14:05.620 benefits of our, of our mastermind, because these guys, we can deal with real things in

00:14:11.040 the real world, but he wanted to also, um, get our opinions on this as well.

00:14:16.440 Yeah.

00:14:16.940 I mean, first and foremost, I'm really sorry for that, for that loss.

00:14:20.920 Um, I've never dealt with this specifically, but, um, when my daughter was born, my ex-wife's

00:14:29.480 grandfather passed away just a couple of days later and they were really, really close.

00:14:37.140 And fortunately he got to see our daughter before he passed away.

00:14:42.120 But I know that was a really hard time on her because she felt so conflicted.

00:14:46.900 And there was almost a little bit of guilt about being so happy about this new addition

00:14:52.060 to the family, knowing that her grandfather, somebody who was the patriarch really of the

00:14:59.480 family had passed away.

00:15:01.160 And that was a hard thing I remember for her to wrestle with, like being happy and joyful

00:15:06.560 and then being sad and sorrowful.

00:15:08.720 It was really, really difficult.

00:15:10.140 And here's what I would say.

00:15:11.880 You can be both.

00:15:13.680 You can be both.

00:15:15.240 You can be sad about the loss and you can be really grateful and happy for the addition

00:15:20.300 to the family.

00:15:21.980 Um, I think that's probably, did he say his mother passed away?

00:15:27.520 I think that's what she would want.

00:15:31.040 I think she would want you to take the lessons that she taught you, the experiences that you

00:15:37.960 guys have had together, the good times, the bad times, the hard times, the up to all of

00:15:42.000 it and pour into that little girl, little boy, little boy, did it, did he say little

00:15:47.860 boy, little boy, pour into that little boy and, and take those lessons and pass those

00:15:52.780 things down.

00:15:53.320 Um, I wish there was something I could do, like just say, Hey, step one is this step

00:15:57.480 two is this.

00:15:58.120 And step three is this.

00:15:59.060 And this afternoon, you'd be feeling a lot better.

00:16:01.880 I would just say, it's okay to be sad and happy and just remember what your mom would

00:16:08.480 want and how, if she was still here with us, how she would treat that little baby boy and 0.83

00:16:14.640 you can be her proxy.

00:16:16.620 Yeah.

00:16:17.060 I haven't dealt with this obviously either, not this specific scenario, but I mean, what

00:16:21.980 a great example of the cycle of life.

00:16:24.660 I mean, this is what it is, you know, um, amazing blessings and new life and the creation

00:16:31.220 and, and, and we all have mortality knocking on our doorstep and, and that's beautiful

00:16:39.180 too, you know?

00:16:40.920 So I know it's not easy with a parent passing away and it's not maybe ideal, but we, that

00:16:49.360 we will all experience that and thus we die prematurely early before our parents, but it

00:16:56.560 is, it is part of the cycle of life.

00:16:58.500 And so I, I, you know, I, I think we talked about this the last week a little bit as well.

00:17:02.760 It's like, it's okay, right?

00:17:05.500 That's the other thing.

00:17:06.200 It's, it's okay that you're sad and it's okay that you're happy.

00:17:08.880 Like, don't, don't make it wrong.

00:17:11.320 Sit with it, be with it, embrace it, see it for what it is.

00:17:16.080 Um, and, and my, my apologies, man, I, I feel for you losing a parent that's super tough.

00:17:22.320 And I'm also excited for you.

00:17:24.400 Um, having your first son.

00:17:25.920 I mean, yeah, it's a, it's a miracle and it's a beautiful thing.

00:17:29.480 So I, sometimes I feel weird when people have questions about things like this.

00:17:33.640 It's, it almost, whatever, any advice I could give almost comes across as insensitive because

00:17:40.720 I don't really know what you're dealing with.

00:17:42.480 I don't really, even though I might've had similar experiences, maybe even if my mother

00:17:46.020 had passed away, knock on wood, she has not, but it's still different.

00:17:50.420 And for me to give you an opinion or input or advice almost seems like, again, insensitive.

00:17:58.360 So I think my biggest thing, I guess, like both of us said is it's okay.

00:18:02.620 Like you can feel how you're feeling and you can experience all the range of emotions.

00:18:07.080 The only other thing I would say is just be careful of how you react to your emotions because

00:18:13.760 you're probably going to be really angry on one S you know, that's the process of grief

00:18:19.440 is some of that.

00:18:20.160 It's going to manifest as anger and that's going to create problems.

00:18:24.020 Your wife's probably stressed out because of the baby and nobody's sleeping the way they

00:18:28.900 should.

00:18:29.620 And so there's a lot of factors here that can exacerbate the problems that come with being

00:18:33.960 angry and upset and hurt.

00:18:35.840 So just be careful.

00:18:37.440 Make sure you take time for yourself.

00:18:39.100 If you need to get out of the house for a little bit, go get a workout in, go for a walk

00:18:43.800 around the block.

00:18:45.940 You've got guys in the Iron Council, call them up, talk with them, release some of that

00:18:51.060 stuff, that frustration in appropriate ways so they don't come out in inappropriate

00:18:54.840 ways.

00:18:55.460 Yeah.

00:18:55.760 Yeah.

00:18:55.960 Good call.

00:18:57.520 All right.

00:18:58.200 Jay Lowry.

00:18:58.900 I've heard you often say in my, in my words that crying is not masculine.

00:19:04.020 Can you give us some examples of when it may or may not be appropriate to cry?

00:19:08.380 I didn't, he, he's saying, I said crying is not masculine.

00:19:11.840 He says in his words, you know, he's saying in his words, it sounds like you're saying,

00:19:17.640 um, you know, it's not appropriate.

00:19:20.440 So when is it and when is it not?

00:19:22.160 Okay.

00:19:22.460 God, I'm like, I don't think I ever said crying is not masculine.

00:19:25.060 Like we all, in fact, if anything, I, I said, we all cry.

00:19:27.760 He's owning his interpretation.

00:19:30.640 Yeah.

00:19:30.720 Okay.

00:19:31.160 Got it.

00:19:31.740 Got it.

00:19:32.420 But he's asking when is it appropriate and when is it not?

00:19:36.060 It's not appropriate when you have shit to do.

00:19:39.300 That's it.

00:19:40.160 Like if you're trying to be a father in the moment and your kids need you to not cry

00:19:45.080 because they need you to be strong and stoic and present and available mentally, emotionally

00:19:49.560 so they can cry, then it's not appropriate for you to.

00:19:52.540 If you're really upset about, for example, your mother passing away, but you're at work

00:19:57.960 and you're sitting down with a client and you're talking with them about what you need

00:20:02.620 to address and how you're going to work on their financial portfolio, probably not appropriate

00:20:07.560 to bawl your eyes out in front of them because you have work to do as a man.

00:20:12.100 And so sometimes it requires you to stuff it a little bit.

00:20:15.800 I know that's not going to be popular in modern culture, but yes, sometimes you need to stuff

00:20:20.180 it and say, hey, I'm just going to put a pin in that crying for a minute. 1.00

00:20:24.000 I'm going to do my work.

00:20:25.180 I'll come back to that when it's appropriate.

00:20:28.580 So when is it appropriate?

00:20:30.360 Well, it's appropriate when you're alone, for sure.

00:20:34.720 It's appropriate when there's a significant life event that crying is not going to hinder

00:20:42.980 you from performing.

00:20:45.020 So for example, at your mother's funeral, I think it's completely appropriate to cry and

00:20:49.920 feel that like nobody's expecting you to step up in some powerful way.

00:20:54.200 Now, if you give the eulogy, probably wouldn't be wise to get up there like a blubbering idiot

00:20:59.560 because nobody's going to understand.

00:21:01.660 And you're not even honoring who you're giving the eulogy for.

00:21:04.700 So that's the litmus test to me is when you have things to do.

00:21:12.040 And also, I would also say this, what do people need from you?

00:21:16.940 Yeah.

00:21:17.780 Your kids at the funeral, for example, they actually might need to see you cry.

00:21:22.780 And sometimes they might need to see that, oh, you know what?

00:21:26.400 I know dad cries because I've seen him cry, but he's not crying right now.

00:21:30.660 And there's something powerful about that too.

00:21:33.040 So that's my litmus test.

00:21:36.500 Like when I have things to get done, I'm trying to think who else, maybe that's another question.

00:21:43.320 Like who can you cry around?

00:21:46.160 Definitely people very close to you when it's appropriate.

00:21:51.180 Crying on social media is not appropriate.

00:21:54.940 You see people like they'll set up their phones and they're like, I'm so lonely on Valentine's

00:21:59.320 Day and I'm making this cake by myself.

00:22:01.200 I'm like, it's not appropriate.

00:22:03.040 To cry.

00:22:03.720 It's not even real.

00:22:04.640 It's all manufactured anyways.

00:22:07.760 Maybe if you're sitting down with your therapist and you're drumming up some old painful memories

00:22:13.340 and you get emotional, that's an appropriate time.

00:22:16.040 That's why you're there.

00:22:18.220 Maybe if you're talking with a friend about real issues and you're getting, I've cried in

00:22:24.420 front of friends.

00:22:25.600 Kip, I may have even been emotional in front of you that way at a couple of times over the

00:22:29.540 past several years.

00:22:30.980 But it's not like we were training jujitsu while I was doing it or, you know, like hanging

00:22:36.100 out with the family at the lake and I'm crying my eyes out in front of you.

00:22:39.700 Like it's okay to do it.

00:22:42.060 You just have to do it at appropriate times.

00:22:44.060 Yeah, I think it's spot on.

00:22:46.520 I mean, is it undermining your ability to serve those that you need to take care of?

00:22:56.180 And it's just like everything else, right?

00:22:57.820 Like, hey, does it benefit you?

00:23:00.140 What's the price?

00:23:01.180 Is it serving you?

00:23:02.740 Yes or no?

00:23:03.780 And I love what you said, Ryan.

00:23:05.140 Like sometimes it does serve our families to let them know that we're hurt, right?

00:23:11.260 Or that we're struggling.

00:23:13.300 But make sure of that, right?

00:23:15.540 And don't be selfish in our position of looking for attention and using that as a tool for ourselves.

00:23:25.380 And so just don't undermine yourself is ultimately, I'm just saying it a different way.

00:23:29.940 But I love that you said that.

00:23:31.920 And I think there's nothing I'd really add.

00:23:34.880 In fact, I shouldn't have said anything at all.

00:23:37.220 There you go.

00:23:40.020 That's about 90% of what I deal with, guys.

00:23:42.400 Kip interjecting when he shouldn't have said anything at all.

00:23:44.620 You're like, you just said it a different way.

00:23:49.140 No, I always appreciate.

00:23:51.820 It's good.

00:23:52.340 There's another factor I thought about, Kip, too, is this is hard to do in the moment.

00:23:58.160 If you're feeling very emotional and overwhelmed, the point to where you feel like you need to physically cry.

00:24:04.620 If it's appropriate, there might even be opportunities for you to explain that to your kids.

00:24:10.020 Like, hey, guys, I'm pretty upset right now.

00:24:13.460 Mom just passed.

00:24:14.600 Grandma just passed away.

00:24:16.100 And I'm having a really hard time.

00:24:18.120 I'm going to be okay.

00:24:19.040 But it's okay to be sad.

00:24:21.980 And I'm sad right now.

00:24:22.980 Like, I'm really upset.

00:24:24.060 So I'm going to take some time for myself in the room or go on a walk and, you know, probably a little bit of crying and things like that.

00:24:31.180 But I'm going to get through it.

00:24:32.240 When I come back, we're all going to have dinner together.

00:24:34.260 We're going to have a great evening or we're all going to go on a walk together.

00:24:36.860 But just be vocal about what you're experiencing because kids don't know how to process all of that.

00:24:43.720 We as adults don't know how to process it.

00:24:45.880 So if you've never cried and all of a sudden you're crying, the kids are like, whoa.

00:24:50.640 What?

00:24:51.800 What is happening here?

00:24:53.700 Yeah.

00:24:53.960 So I think just having a little bit of mindfulness in front of people who are impacted by the way you show up would suggest that you maybe explain a little bit about what you're dealing with.

00:25:04.240 Totally.

00:25:04.860 Well, and even that in itself is a great tip.

00:25:08.200 Why are you crying?

00:25:11.500 I love what you said.

00:25:12.720 Earlier, Adam had the question around, you know, dealing with a parent that passes suddenly.

00:25:17.820 And you said it's hard to give advice in that example because it's so different and what are you dealing with.

00:25:23.960 That's really key there.

00:25:25.640 What are you dealing with?

00:25:26.960 Because if my mom passed away, the remorse and the sadness I'm going to have is different.

00:25:33.740 Why?

00:25:34.180 Because she was a different woman than Adam's mom.

00:25:37.220 And our relationships were different.

00:25:39.460 And what I'm struggling with is different.

00:25:41.300 And I might have regret where Adam may not and everything.

00:25:46.040 And maybe that's a little bit of advice in both these scenarios is be mindful of what is it that you're dealing with.

00:25:52.160 Because I think sometimes we'll sit, right?

00:25:54.860 We'll just sit with it and go, oh, I'm so sad.

00:25:59.280 Why?

00:26:00.660 What is it?

00:26:02.240 What is it?

00:26:02.860 Where's the lesson here?

00:26:04.080 What am I dealing with?

00:26:05.280 Why is this a struggle?

00:26:06.940 You know, and process the why behind some of our emotions so then that way we can grow from them.

00:26:14.660 Otherwise, you'll just be wandering around just, oh, I'm so mad and upset.

00:26:18.700 And we're not even dealing with it anyway, right?

00:26:21.060 And we're not growing from it.

00:26:23.040 Yeah.

00:26:23.980 Yeah, good point.

00:26:25.660 Nathan Strouble.

00:26:26.860 See, I pulled out some random shiz there just to provide some value. 1.00

00:26:31.440 Nathan Strouble.

00:26:32.120 My question has four parts.

00:26:35.780 Why do men need to be initiated? 1.00

00:26:38.240 Part number one.

00:26:38.840 Why does it matter that we are called men by other men?

00:26:43.500 And once you are considered a man, can you lose that status?

00:26:47.360 And do women have similar initiations? 1.00

00:26:50.020 I'm pulling up a quote while you're saying that.

00:26:52.040 There's a quote.

00:26:52.720 This is one of my favorite quotes.

00:26:58.040 It's a little bit different, but I'm going to give it some context.

00:27:02.600 And it's this.

00:27:03.880 A child that is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.

00:27:09.560 And it reminds me a little bit of initiation because if a young man, you said a man initiated, I would just change the verbiage.

00:27:17.860 And I know you meant this, but a boy.

00:27:19.320 Yeah.

00:27:20.060 If a boy is not initiated, he'll burn the village down just to feel its warmth.

00:27:24.500 Meaning he's not prudent.

00:27:25.660 He's dumb.

00:27:26.940 He's immature.

00:27:28.140 He doesn't realize the impact of his decisions and his actions.

00:27:32.020 He's making short-term decisions that have long-term negative ramifications.

00:27:38.220 And so a man needs to be initiated into manhood.

00:27:41.800 And there's a little bit of a lesson I want to share here that I've spent so much time thinking about, and I wish more people understood this.

00:27:51.760 A lot of people will say masculinity is good, or some people will say masculinity is inherently bad, right?

00:27:59.220 Toxic.

00:28:01.540 Masculinity is neither.

00:28:04.020 It's neither good nor bad.

00:28:05.620 Masculinity, by its definition, is a set of characteristics and traits that we attribute to males.

00:28:13.260 That's all masculinity is.

00:28:15.000 And masculinity is based on our biological hardwiring. 0.99

00:28:18.360 So if you look at men relative to women, we have a propensity for violence.

00:28:22.580 We have a propensity for competitiveness, for risk-taking, for physical violence.

00:28:29.300 Like, these are all things that men, as women can exhibit those things, but men generally are more prone to these behaviors.

00:28:37.920 But just because a man is competitive doesn't mean it's always bad.

00:28:43.940 Competition has driven innovation and life-saving technology and lifted more people out of poverty because of competition.

00:28:53.660 But also, it's caused us to do some shady shit up to murdering people because we're trying to compete over a limited amount of resources.

00:29:04.460 So is it bad or good?

00:29:06.700 It's neither.

00:29:07.820 It's how we use it.

00:29:09.580 And so the difference between masculinity, something that's amoral, and manliness is the distinction I make.

00:29:15.800 A man is somebody who can harness their masculinity, their just God-given traits, into productive outcomes for themselves and other people.

00:29:25.720 And that's what we would call a man.

00:29:27.720 So unless a boy learns how to harness his masculinity into something productive, he will never become a man because he's not acting manly.

00:29:37.820 He's not serving people with that.

00:29:39.420 Yeah, he's just reckless.

00:29:41.160 Right.

00:29:41.440 And in fact, he's reckless.

00:29:45.380 He's destroying.

00:29:46.500 He's stealing.

00:29:47.900 He's consuming.

00:29:49.480 He's not producing.

00:29:51.200 So this is why it's so crucial.

00:29:53.620 The second part of the question was, why is it important that we're called men by other men?

00:29:58.780 Is that right?

00:29:59.320 Yes, sir.

00:30:01.340 Because you have to know your place.

00:30:06.800 You have to know.

00:30:08.140 John Eldridge in his book, Wild at Heart, makes the case that men are always asking the question, am I capable and do I have what it takes?

00:30:16.920 Only another man can tell you that.

00:30:19.580 Or in relation to another man.

00:30:22.080 Because when I look and see what other people are doing with their physical health or with their business or in their family, Kip, I look up to you from a family perspective.

00:30:31.240 If I didn't have that frame of reference, I wouldn't have anything to judge my own performance on.

00:30:38.500 So I can look at you and say, well, Kip is doing awesome.

00:30:41.380 He's showing me what is possible.

00:30:43.460 I can't have that unless you're there leading the way.

00:30:47.200 There has to be another man leading the way.

00:30:48.980 And, yeah, you can fall into comparison trap and all these other things, but that's not what I'm talking about here.

00:30:55.540 Other men are able to show us what's possible, and I want to know that I have a seat at the table.

00:31:01.260 If I value our relationship, Kip, it's important for me to show up as a friend.

00:31:07.480 It's important for me to show up to these conversations ready and prepared.

00:31:11.360 It's the respect you deserve from the relationship that we have.

00:31:15.000 So I think it's really important that you view me as a man, and I would imagine it's important that I view you as a man because now we're peers.

00:31:26.120 We're brothers.

00:31:27.460 Totally.

00:31:28.360 We're on the same playing field.

00:31:31.280 So that's important.

00:31:33.160 How much of this would you say is also the importance of establishing standards, right?

00:31:37.580 Like, you know, regardless of the masculinity question or initiation into manhood, take anything that establishes baselines and standards.

00:31:46.880 Let's use – maybe it's a little bit controversial, but let's just use college degrees as an example.

00:31:52.440 We get rid of it.

00:31:53.440 There's no such thing.

00:31:54.840 There's no associates.

00:31:55.980 There's no bachelor's.

00:31:56.880 There's no doctorate.

00:31:57.460 There's just school.

00:31:58.980 How do you know?

00:31:59.640 Like, how does one go, hey, I've done it.

00:32:04.940 I've, you know, I've reached a level.

00:32:07.140 Or we take away belt systems in jujitsu.

00:32:09.280 We just train.

00:32:10.660 How do I know I'm black belt?

00:32:13.020 How do I know I'm an expert?

00:32:15.680 You don't, right?

00:32:17.920 And so part of this is just the value of frameworks and standards.

00:32:21.760 So people have something that they're progressing towards, and there's value in knowing that.

00:32:27.540 There's value in knowing that you've achieved something.

00:32:30.500 Now, of course, there's false dichotomies all – or there's dichotomies all over the place, right?

00:32:35.340 You could say, well, yeah, Kip, but then if they're always chasing the belt, then you're not learning.

00:32:39.560 Of course.

00:32:40.880 But there's benefits in the standards so we know where we are and are we progressing and have we reached something.

00:32:48.280 And so maybe that's part of this as well.

00:32:52.240 Yeah, I agree.

00:32:54.180 What was the third part?

00:32:55.780 Can you lose –

00:32:56.720 Can you lose it?

00:32:57.880 Your status as a man?

00:32:58.180 Yeah, can you lose your status once you've had it?

00:33:00.140 Yeah, of course.

00:33:00.760 Yeah.

00:33:01.280 Of course.

00:33:02.320 Like we all hear the man card.

00:33:04.040 Yeah.

00:33:04.440 You lost your man card.

00:33:06.100 But that's actually a true thing.

00:33:08.760 Criminal activity is a great example of that.

00:33:12.040 If somebody is – let's say somebody murders or rapes somebody else.

00:33:16.580 We take that individual out of society because he's proven he's no longer going to contribute in a manly way.

00:33:24.440 So we remove him from society.

00:33:26.600 We isolate him from all the normal people and he's punished.

00:33:32.420 Can he redeem himself?

00:33:33.520 Yes.

00:33:34.420 Prison sentences.

00:33:35.820 He can come out and we'll give him another shot depending on what the crime was.

00:33:40.340 And then he gets a chance to prove himself again.

00:33:43.280 But yeah, of course you can lose it.

00:33:44.900 Yeah.

00:33:45.000 You know, and in other ways too, Kip, again, to go back to our relationship, if you take advantage of me in some way, some egregious way, or you start talking negatively about me behind my back, then you lose your status in my eyes.

00:34:04.900 Yeah.

00:34:06.160 You are no longer my peer.

00:34:08.160 We're not friends.

00:34:09.460 We're not business partners.

00:34:10.640 And you're no longer my peer.

00:34:12.320 So you didn't lose some objective status, but in my eyes, yeah, absolutely you did.

00:34:18.840 Totally.

00:34:19.300 So you have to be vigilant about continuing to behave in the way a man would behave. 0.77

00:34:24.060 Yeah.

00:34:24.780 Why do you think, and I know this question is obviously for Nathan more than you, why this question?

00:34:31.300 Why do you get this?

00:34:33.200 Why do we get these questions?

00:34:34.500 What is it that we're validating?

00:34:37.000 I don't really understand what you're asking.

00:34:38.400 Like if Nathan were on the call right now, I'd say, why, Nathan?

00:34:41.480 Why do you care?

00:34:42.320 Why do you think guys ask this question?

00:34:44.640 Because we get this, right?

00:34:45.840 The initiation.

00:34:46.780 How do I know I'm, like, this comes up all the time.

00:34:50.180 What is it that we're seeking for?

00:34:52.200 I think, I'm very, I want to be very cautious on this because I don't know what Nathan's experiencing.

00:34:57.700 But in my experience, a lot of this question comes from men who didn't have a father around.

00:35:06.120 Yeah.

00:35:07.260 And they don't feel like men.

00:35:08.740 And they're grabbing for straws.

00:35:10.080 I don't know if that's Nathan's case.

00:35:11.800 Yeah.

00:35:12.000 They want to feel like that.

00:35:14.140 They want to feel manly.

00:35:15.480 They want to feel valuable.

00:35:16.620 They want to answer John Eldridge's question.

00:35:18.620 Do I have what it takes?

00:35:19.820 Am I capable?

00:35:20.820 They want to do that.

00:35:22.640 But dad wasn't around.

00:35:24.200 I don't know how to change the oil on my truck.

00:35:26.080 I don't know how to change the tire.

00:35:27.240 I don't know how to do basic maintenance around the house.

00:35:29.580 I don't know how to shoot a gun.

00:35:31.220 I don't know.

00:35:31.980 I'm not physically fit.

00:35:33.200 So, like, all these things that we put value on as men.

00:35:36.520 And by the way, those things are all valuable.

00:35:38.520 Those are not just random activities that we just have deemed manly.

00:35:44.360 No, those are manly behaviors and activities.

00:35:46.820 Protect, provide, preside.

00:35:47.920 Yeah.

00:35:48.020 So, usually these questions come from guys who don't, I'm not saying they aren't.

00:35:54.620 I'm saying they don't feel manly because they haven't developed that or haven't learned that.

00:36:00.080 And they're at a stage now, whether they're 20, 25, 45, 55, where they feel like, I don't feel like a man.

00:36:08.740 Yeah.

00:36:09.220 What do I need to do in order to feel like a man?

00:36:12.060 And the answer is, be a man.

00:36:16.000 Do what men do. 0.71

00:36:17.240 Yeah.

00:36:18.020 Thanks for adding that.

00:36:20.320 All right, Philip.

00:36:21.220 Would you agree?

00:36:21.920 I agree.

00:36:22.960 I think so.

00:36:24.240 I think so.

00:36:24.860 I think it's also, how's this, just that, add a little.

00:36:31.900 I think most men see their value in the space of feeling respected.

00:36:41.800 In fact, I would argue that that's like what we attribute love.

00:36:46.560 That's what love looks like.

00:36:47.600 That's what love is respect.

00:36:50.160 And I think a lot of us are probably living lives where that's lacking.

00:36:55.400 We don't feel respected.

00:36:56.820 We don't feel respected by our kids.

00:36:58.500 Maybe our, we don't feel respected by our spouses or maybe even in the workplace.

00:37:04.260 And so we might even be doing quote unquote masculine things, but that, that confirmation of our value is not being fulfilled, whether it should be or not.

00:37:19.300 That's a whole other, you know, discussion.

00:37:20.900 We could probably go down that rat hole.

00:37:22.260 But nonetheless, I think it's a lack of meaning for themselves due to the lack of respect that they're getting.

00:37:28.800 You know, I don't, I don't disagree.

00:37:31.160 I would just say, and this might go down that hole you were talking about.

00:37:33.980 It's a lot of guys aren't respectable.

00:37:36.420 Yeah.

00:37:36.580 And I already know the answer to that, that some people are going to say, well, yeah, you know, I am.

00:37:40.920 I'm working hard.

00:37:41.640 I'm doing all these things, but my wife still dot, dot, dot.

00:37:44.120 Okay, then have you communicated that to her?

00:37:48.440 Totally.

00:37:49.120 Have you found out what your boundaries are?

00:37:52.140 Have you articulated that to her?

00:37:54.260 Are you treating her that way yourself?

00:37:56.600 And if you haven't done any of those things, then sure, you could work hard and you could check all the boxes, but also setting boundaries, communicating clearly and treating people the way that you want to be treated is also a measurement of being respectable.

00:38:11.500 And that's why we get guys that double down on provide, kind of easier maybe, and they just work their asses off and provide maybe really well.

00:38:21.140 And then presiding is not being addressed.

00:38:25.740 Protecting is not being addressed.

00:38:27.280 And the provide is financial, but we're not providing emotional safety.

00:38:31.340 We're not providing a home of spirituality and these other elements that aren't that easy, as simple as bringing a paycheck home.

00:38:41.500 I agree.

00:38:42.720 It's easy to get into that, provide that financial provision role, but we want to be well-rounded men.

00:38:48.500 We don't want to be one-dimensional.

00:38:50.200 We want to be robust, rounded men.

00:38:53.060 Yeah, totally.

00:38:54.080 Okay.

00:38:54.800 Next question.

00:38:56.540 Felipe de Ambros.

00:38:59.900 Let me know how he did on that one.

00:39:02.200 Is it Felipe?

00:39:03.840 Is it Felipe?

00:39:04.880 Felipe, I think.

00:39:07.200 I don't know.

00:39:08.140 Okay.

00:39:08.420 Anyways.

00:39:08.780 Yeah.

00:39:09.580 The Ambros. 0.97

00:39:09.940 Ambros.

00:39:10.800 Any steps one could take to help their brothers see that they need to grow up without coming across too forceful.

00:39:17.880 I have three younger brothers and the youngest is 29.

00:39:20.760 However, they all act like they're 15 or younger and all living with our mother.

00:39:25.880 Our father died 23 years ago and told 15-year-old me that I'm the leader now.

00:39:33.040 I failed.

00:39:33.600 I know it wasn't really my responsibility then.

00:39:36.500 However, I feel like I should be now.

00:39:39.120 Any advice?

00:39:40.180 Good question.

00:39:41.180 I like this question.

00:39:43.380 I'm excited.

00:39:44.820 I do too.

00:39:45.340 I don't, I mean, I don't know why you feel like you failed, but based on what you shared, it doesn't sound like you failed to me.

00:39:51.220 Yeah, but they're still living at home.

00:39:52.280 Okay.

00:39:52.760 Yeah.

00:39:53.020 And, and, and, you know, and dad told him, Hey, you know, step into that role.

00:39:58.140 And, and he's feeling like, you know, he failed his brothers.

00:40:01.320 Yeah.

00:40:01.720 This is a good question.

00:40:02.980 You know, we've, we've answered questions like this a lot.

00:40:06.400 Like how do you get somebody to see you change someone?

00:40:09.000 Yeah.

00:40:09.200 It's, yeah, it's hard because you can't.

00:40:12.360 And, you know, in a way, I don't know, but mom might really like having the boys around because dad's not around.

00:40:21.720 Totally.

00:40:22.320 You know what I mean?

00:40:22.880 Like her, she lost her husband.

00:40:25.160 This was a while ago, clearly, but she, there's no man in the house.

00:40:30.200 And so once the boys leave, that's it.

00:40:32.860 So she's probably enabling them is the reality of the situation and they're taking full advantage of it.

00:40:40.220 Whether it's conscious or subconscious, we don't know and to what degree, but they're taking advantage of her enabling behavior.

00:40:47.300 So I almost wonder if the real conversation is with mom.

00:40:52.120 Yeah.

00:40:53.140 Now, in the meantime, but I think you should have a deep conversation with her about it.

00:40:57.600 Like multiple conversations in a respectful way because she, I guarantee she's feeling a way.

00:41:04.380 I would put money on the fact that she's enabling it because it's her safety blanket.

00:41:08.880 Yeah.

00:41:09.180 It's her meaning and purpose and, you know.

00:41:12.720 Yeah.

00:41:13.720 Yeah.

00:41:15.120 Yeah.

00:41:16.360 But in the meantime, you, you need to take, there's three other brothers.

00:41:20.000 Is that right?

00:41:20.460 Three other.

00:41:21.040 And, and the youngest is 29.

00:41:23.580 Oh, so they're old.

00:41:24.620 So they're grown men.

00:41:26.180 They should be out.

00:41:26.840 Okay.

00:41:27.260 Yeah.

00:41:28.140 You, you need to get them out of their circle into your circle.

00:41:33.500 Yeah.

00:41:34.280 That like they're, I don't know who they're spending time with.

00:41:37.120 I don't know who their friends are, but I guarantee they're losers.

00:41:39.880 Yeah.

00:41:41.020 Cause winners don't hang out with people like that.

00:41:43.460 And that like, you might hear that and think I'm judging.

00:41:46.300 Yep.

00:41:46.780 I am.

00:41:49.360 Like I'm not me personally.

00:41:51.380 I'm not going to spend time with the 35 year old who lives at his house with his mom,

00:41:56.020 unless he's taking care of her cause she's terminally ill.

00:41:59.020 Yeah.

00:42:00.440 Okay.

00:42:00.800 There's an exception, but just to live there at mommy and daddy's hat.

00:42:04.300 No.

00:42:05.660 Cause I hang out in a different circle and it sounds like he does too.

00:42:08.620 So what I would say is get them out of the environment in bite-sized doses.

00:42:13.240 Like if you go out with your friends, invite one of your brothers, maybe not all of them.

00:42:17.340 Cause they probably feed off of each other and they're all like clowns, like the three

00:42:21.100 amigos together, like get them out one at a time. 0.98

00:42:25.320 Like, Hey, come train with me this morning.

00:42:27.960 Maybe you go to the gym or Hey guys, like I'm going to go run a Spartan race.

00:42:31.280 And we've got two or three other guys.

00:42:33.240 And, and I wanted to invite you to come do the Spartan race and train with us.

00:42:36.900 The more you can get them out of their current climate into your climate and not change your

00:42:42.180 standards.

00:42:42.720 Don't change your behavior.

00:42:43.960 Don't change your standards.

00:42:45.080 You just invite them in.

00:42:46.340 And if they decline and say, no, there's not a lot you can do, but just be open, open arms,

00:42:54.280 embrace them, bring them into your tribe.

00:42:56.480 And hopefully they'll see that in the meantime, start having some conversations with mom.

00:43:00.780 Yeah.

00:43:01.840 So what will happen for a lot of people is they will do this, right?

00:43:09.380 They'll, they'll reach out to the brothers.

00:43:10.980 They'll try to get some things and then we'll, and then we'll get upset.

00:43:14.760 They'll get sideways to, I'm trying this.

00:43:18.540 And those morons aren't listening to me.

00:43:21.020 And I'm, you know what I mean?

00:43:22.100 They haven't changed.

00:43:23.220 I'm investing all my time in them.

00:43:25.140 And, and it's all because we didn't ensure that we're in a position of influence.

00:43:32.560 So this is what I'd recommend.

00:43:34.580 I, I, I, you can use this like a hundred different ways.

00:43:37.780 We can use it with your teenage kids, with coworkers, with employees.

00:43:42.160 But the question is, are you in a position to influence them?

00:43:47.680 And this is how you ensure you are.

00:43:50.140 First, your mindset around them needs to be accurate.

00:43:55.320 Like it has to be genuine.

00:43:57.460 Dale Carnegie, what did, what's this?

00:43:59.460 No one cares about what you have to say until they know how much you care.

00:44:02.020 If you don't care for your brothers, right?

00:44:05.800 And this is kind of, you know, you have a heart at war towards them and you're just trying to change them because you're so annoyed by them.

00:44:11.880 They're going to smell this a mile away.

00:44:14.080 So get over that.

00:44:15.880 Love them.

00:44:17.020 They're crazy.

00:44:17.820 They live at home.

00:44:18.860 Love them anyway.

00:44:20.120 And just kind of get clear in that space.

00:44:23.320 Two, you have to invest time and have a relationship with them.

00:44:26.540 They have to know that you are their big brother and that you genuinely care about their well-being, that you know what's going on in their life, that you understand their struggles so you have a relationship with them, your mindset's clear with them, and then you're learning from them.

00:44:44.200 What are they dealing with?

00:44:46.140 And this ensures that we don't go into situations with too much ego, assuming too much.

00:44:50.720 So learn and listen.

00:44:52.960 And then you're in a position of correction.

00:44:55.360 That's how.

00:44:57.140 So that's how you.

00:44:58.820 And then what's great about that approach too is let's say your younger brother doesn't move out.

00:45:04.380 You're not going to get all sideways about it.

00:45:07.200 That's his call.

00:45:08.360 It's crazy.

00:45:09.160 Not for me.

00:45:10.260 Right?

00:45:11.320 But the mindset helps make sure that you're not doing this from a place of manipulation.

00:45:16.760 And then when your expectations aren't met and it does end up being a covert contract and you're going to get all sideways because your manipulation tactics didn't work.

00:45:25.760 So approach it from a genuine place.

00:45:28.340 And I think you'll set yourself up for success regardless of what they do because the typical response that we give to these questions is you don't change people.

00:45:38.080 So stop trying to change someone.

00:45:39.640 And just be a great example.

00:45:42.640 And that's all that you have anyway.

00:45:44.600 But there's an element to this.

00:45:46.460 You brought it up.

00:45:47.300 I just wrote down point number four is let the chips fall where they may.

00:45:50.920 Yeah.

00:45:51.080 You said it.

00:45:52.820 Like if they don't do it it's not your responsibility.

00:45:55.240 I'm going to say something that might be upsetting but I have to say it.

00:46:00.000 Your dad did you no justice in telling you that you are the man of the house now.

00:46:05.100 Yeah.

00:46:05.320 When you're 15.

00:46:06.160 Bro you were 15 years old.

00:46:08.060 Yeah.

00:46:08.200 Let go of that too.

00:46:09.760 You.

00:46:10.140 You.

00:46:10.660 Yeah.

00:46:11.080 You were not the man of the house.

00:46:12.720 You were a boy.

00:46:13.480 And I actually commend you for wanting to be that at 15 years old and commend you I don't know how old you are now.

00:46:20.260 At the age you are now I commend you for wanting to be that.

00:46:24.480 But there's there's some things that you need to let go of and maybe afford yourself some grace that at 15 years old you didn't know how to raise men.

00:46:33.520 What's wrong with you?

00:46:34.800 Like I don't know how to raise men.

00:46:36.660 I'm 43 years old.

00:46:38.420 Yeah.

00:46:38.760 Like of course you didn't know how to do it.

00:46:40.640 Of course.

00:46:41.380 And so now there's an opportunity for you to do what you can do but as you should have been doing all along like these they're men.

00:46:49.700 They're grown men.

00:46:50.260 They can make their own decisions.

00:46:51.420 That is not a decision for you to make.

00:46:53.080 Well and what's unfortunate we're kind of dissecting your family here but like the probability is when an older sibling is put in that type of position of quote unquote authority.

00:47:04.740 It's not going to go well anyway because your siblings are going to see you as as this person that's trying to control them.

00:47:12.760 At 15 you don't know how to influence people.

00:47:15.600 So what do you use fear manipulation shaming use all the wrong tactics at that age because you don't know any better.

00:47:24.640 And so you might even be fighting a little bit of an uphill battle because of that with your siblings.

00:47:31.720 Right.

00:47:32.360 So yeah.

00:47:33.560 Good call on on on dad and an admiral for you to be like hey you know what I mean I need to serve my family.

00:47:41.800 But but that's not on you.

00:47:43.180 Yeah I agree.

00:47:43.820 Tough man.

00:47:47.100 All right Tony Behel advice to shift from a more selfish taker mindset to a giver slash service mindset.

00:47:56.660 Oh you could this is beautiful.

00:47:57.820 You can actually be both.

00:47:59.860 The best way to get what you want is to help other people get what they want.

00:48:03.820 Yeah.

00:48:05.220 So if you're really selfish then you should help a lot of people because you're going to get everything you want.

00:48:10.740 Yeah.

00:48:10.880 How does he make sure that he doesn't come across like the guy that ends up having a relationship with me and I smell it a mile away and I'm like dude Tony's only hanging out with me because he's trying to get right.

00:48:23.820 And it's not genuine service and it doesn't come across genuine.

00:48:28.300 Well you have to believe what I just said is true.

00:48:31.740 Yeah.

00:48:33.260 Because if you actually I believe that that's the way that I view life.

00:48:37.520 Yeah.

00:48:37.700 And I don't there's nothing I could even do about it to not have that be the case principle like I can't help people and then not be rewarded for it.

00:48:50.260 Like it's impossible.

00:48:52.900 It might happen in the micro like there might be small examples where I help somebody and they can't do anything for me.

00:48:58.060 Totally.

00:48:59.140 But this is just a numbers game.

00:49:01.140 The more people I help the greater chance I have of getting exactly what I want out of life.

00:49:06.580 Relationships.

00:49:07.220 Personal relationships are the same way.

00:49:08.780 Man if you want a great relationship with a woman give serve love like do everything you can and it will it will be that way.

00:49:21.500 And I've seen both sides of the table.

00:49:23.900 You want a bad relationship like I had with my ex before things were done.

00:49:28.000 Stop giving.

00:49:30.400 Stop serving.

00:49:31.780 That's what I did.

00:49:32.560 Yeah.

00:49:34.240 And with the with my girlfriend now I I love to be in service.

00:49:40.640 Now some guys will hear that and it's very frustrating.

00:49:43.120 Like oh you're being a beta you're being a cuck.

00:49:45.740 It's such a dumb immature scared way of looking at life.

00:49:51.400 Yeah.

00:49:51.580 Like serving other people doesn't mean you're a slave to them.

00:49:55.460 It doesn't mean that you don't have boundaries.

00:49:58.060 It just means you're choosing to honor that person because you love them and care about them.

00:50:04.200 That's all it means.

00:50:05.080 It means nothing else.

00:50:07.120 So I think being selfish and being selfless are actually more closely aligned than we think that they are.

00:50:17.020 But you have to believe it to your question because if you don't believe it then you will use service as a manipulation tactic.

00:50:24.460 To get what you want.

00:50:26.180 It won't actually be true service.

00:50:29.480 Totally.

00:50:30.480 Well and you say this Ryan and I actually think you're a great example of this.

00:50:34.660 But I think an element of this you have to have an abundant mentality.

00:50:38.820 An abundance mentality not a scarcity mindset.

00:50:41.460 Because what will happen is you may want to give serve help and provide service to someone that you feel is a competitor to you.

00:50:53.440 Right.

00:50:53.960 And then you're not going to be your willingness to help them may be diminished because you don't think there's enough to go around.

00:51:02.000 And I think that that could be a potential blocker that you have to look past.

00:51:06.660 I mean the competitor thing is that one's kind of an easy one for me because there's really when you're looking at it this way only two types of people.

00:51:15.160 There's the people who are going to do it with or without your help and there's the people who are not going to do it with or without your help period.

00:51:25.100 Yeah.

00:51:26.100 Those are the only – the people who are going to do it, they don't actually need your help anyways.

00:51:30.840 They're going to do it whether you help them or not.

00:51:32.200 Yeah.

00:51:32.640 That's a good point.

00:51:33.080 So you might as well help them.

00:51:34.000 Yeah.

00:51:35.100 Because then you build goodwill among each other.

00:51:38.080 And the people who are not going to do it, you could give them the blueprint to everything and they're still not going to do it.

00:51:43.120 So it really doesn't matter.

00:51:45.860 Now, look, I know there's industry secrets and trademarks.

00:51:49.740 Of course.

00:51:50.280 I'm not saying don't protect – I have trademarks.

00:51:52.600 I work with attorneys.

00:51:54.120 We have copyrights, trademarks.

00:51:56.080 Like we protect our shit.

00:51:57.900 But also like if somebody reaches out and they're like, hey, what about this?

00:52:00.780 I can share those things.

00:52:02.540 Like that's not a threat to me.

00:52:04.740 What else do you think might block someone from having this switch?

00:52:09.480 And let me ask this question, and I wish Tony were on the call, right?

00:52:15.660 What's the specific scenario, right?

00:52:17.800 Is this more in the workplace, taker mindset?

00:52:21.580 Where might this show up the most, someone that has a taker mindset versus that of service?

00:52:27.680 Yeah, I think probably in like romantic relationships probably is one area.

00:52:34.660 Definitely the work environment.

00:52:36.140 Like I'm going to get mine and you may raise.

00:52:38.120 It's a cutthroat world.

00:52:39.480 Lone Wolf.

00:52:40.520 Yeah, very posturing, egocentric.

00:52:43.180 It would definitely be there.

00:52:45.760 But you're asking what are the barriers to being a giver?

00:52:51.880 I don't know.

00:52:52.680 It's hard for me to resonate why you wouldn't.

00:52:54.680 Well, I have – like isn't that an amazing thing?

00:52:57.260 Yeah.

00:52:57.940 Well, I have some thoughts.

00:52:58.640 Like don't you feel good?

00:53:01.180 Yeah, let me finish this thought out and I want to hear what you have to say.

00:53:04.160 But doesn't it feel so amazing to give to other people?

00:53:07.580 I don't know.

00:53:09.680 It does for me.

00:53:10.500 Like when I see – like Kip, when we went to Hawaii earlier in the year, like that was a hunt that I invited you on.

00:53:20.640 And I know you didn't have a bow.

00:53:22.480 I had an extra bow.

00:53:23.440 I gave it to you.

00:53:24.180 Like I didn't need it.

00:53:25.920 Like it didn't take away from anything.

00:53:27.600 In fact, it was awesome.

00:53:29.860 I was like, oh, cool.

00:53:30.700 And then you shot your first deer.

00:53:32.240 Like I was – I felt proud for you.

00:53:36.180 Like I was part of that experience.

00:53:38.160 Totally.

00:53:38.640 Because at the risk of sounding arrogant or weird, but because I created that opportunity for you.

00:53:44.800 Yeah.

00:53:46.640 And – but like – but that doesn't take away anything that you – from what you did doesn't take away anything from what I did.

00:53:52.900 Like it was harmonious.

00:53:55.120 Like it was awesome for everybody.

00:53:57.220 And I think about that even with clients, you know, when people have these mental blocks around money and exchange of value.

00:54:04.700 Man, when I have a client, whether it's somebody who joins the Iron Council or comes to one of our events or a client when I was doing my financial planning stuff and they paid me and I saw them win, I was like, this is amazing.

00:54:17.580 I care about them.

00:54:18.680 I see them winning.

00:54:19.700 I see them building their family life or building their business.

00:54:22.960 I've got more money in the bank account now.

00:54:24.860 It's a reciprocal relationship that's good for everybody.

00:54:28.640 And that's the kind of relationships I'm interested in.

00:54:31.140 Totally.

00:54:32.240 Yeah, that's – it's interesting.

00:54:34.120 I wonder if how much of this is from a relationship perspective.

00:54:38.380 I think some guys might have the mindset of receiving first before giving because it – maybe they add meaning that it would – that it's more genuine if – like if I get in return because I had to give first, then it diminishes the giving to me.

00:55:01.440 To me, that sounds like a feminine thought where it's almost like the idea of like, well, he should just know.

00:55:07.160 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:55:07.780 It's like, well, you know –

00:55:09.660 Totally.

00:55:10.080 I don't know.

00:55:10.540 I don't – I've never felt that.

00:55:12.160 Have you felt that?

00:55:12.900 No, but I'm just – I'm trying to think of the scenarios by which –

00:55:16.620 You're just coming up with ideas, yeah.

00:55:17.820 Like that or maybe even in the work environment.

00:55:20.320 Like here's – I bet this could be relatable to some people is where we're worried about how we show up in the org and our ego and our importance and that's the priority over helping someone else win.

00:55:38.300 And if that's the case, then I would say people all know you anyway.

00:55:45.460 Like you're not – like the perspective or the perception of me as an individual in the workplace is exactly what it is.

00:55:55.040 If I help more people win, trust me, it's going to be perceived more positive than negative than me winning and other people not winning.

00:56:03.920 I don't know.

00:56:04.260 I think it's just scarcity mindset maybe.

00:56:07.160 Oh, yeah.

00:56:10.080 I was pulling up something here.

00:56:13.680 There's a scripture – sorry, I'm trying to pull it up.

00:56:19.220 So I'm not going to – I'm not going to pull it up, but it's in – it's in Matthew it looks like.

00:56:23.220 And I'm paraphrasing, but the scripture is, by their fruits he shall know thee.

00:56:29.920 And so if you want to know if a person is good, just look at the fruit.

00:56:33.500 Yeah.

00:56:34.260 Like is this a person who's producing?

00:56:36.540 Is this a person who's admired by others?

00:56:38.620 Is he respected by others?

00:56:40.640 Is he creating opportunities for other people?

00:56:43.360 Well, that's a good human being right there versus somebody who's isolated, alone, maybe perpetually broke, maybe takes advantage of other people.

00:56:53.100 Other people don't like him.

00:56:54.320 That's probably a pretty good indicator that something's wrong with the tree.

00:56:57.580 Yeah.

00:56:57.780 The tree has gone bad.

00:56:59.520 And I'm not saying it's not redeemable.

00:57:02.020 It is.

00:57:02.700 But if you want to know somebody – look, in a work environment where you're talking about this thing of posturing and getting mine and that sort of thing, you're going to be found out regardless of who you are.

00:57:16.460 If you're a scumbag piece of shit, we all know it.

00:57:20.960 Yeah.

00:57:21.160 And if you're a decent, kind, helping, abundant human being, everybody in the office knows it, including your supervisors.

00:57:29.760 And there's nothing you need to do about it over time.

00:57:33.940 I'm not saying don't champion for yourself.

00:57:36.260 I'm not saying you shouldn't market yourself.

00:57:38.220 You should.

00:57:38.640 But everybody already knows.

00:57:41.780 So just keep being more of that.

00:57:43.920 And over time, it will – it's going to happen.

00:57:47.200 I like it.

00:57:47.920 All right.

00:57:48.440 Matthew Rolls.

00:57:49.520 Let's take one more, Kip.

00:57:50.520 How did your meeting go with the mayor?

00:57:52.380 I don't know about this.

00:57:53.960 Apparently, I'm not up to speed on the latest of Mr. Mickler.

00:57:59.180 I haven't met with the mayor yet.

00:58:00.940 But I – well, I – I'm thinking about what it would look like to be politically involved at a local level.

00:58:12.940 And that's about as much as I really have thought about it.

00:58:16.600 Like I need to get involved.

00:58:18.860 I need – yeah, I just – I need to know what's going on with the community.

00:58:22.040 I need to be more involved in the community in a powerful way.

00:58:25.340 I don't know if that's getting into politics.

00:58:27.460 I don't know if that's supporting politicians.

00:58:29.340 I don't know if that's getting involved with the school board or sitting on city council.

00:58:34.000 I don't know.

00:58:34.880 And so this is just for me an exploratory meeting to see what that might look like and what I should consider.

00:58:42.720 Okay.

00:58:43.080 I like it.

00:58:43.800 Okay.

00:58:44.120 You have any more?

00:58:45.260 We have a couple more questions if you wanted or do you want to wrap up there?

00:58:48.760 Let's take one more.

00:58:49.760 I got a jet.

00:58:50.280 I got a hard stop.

00:58:51.240 So let's take one more question.

00:58:52.800 All right.

00:58:53.200 Here we go.

00:58:54.760 I don't know, man.

00:58:56.020 The Facebook questions.

00:58:57.680 Well, you know, they're okay.

00:58:58.580 They're okay.

00:58:59.080 I won't be too harsh here.

00:59:01.120 So we can go with why do men suck at sharing knowledge or we can go with what do you do

00:59:09.600 when you set goals and plan for yourself because I have a hard time focusing.

00:59:15.220 I think we've answered the hard time focusing one enough.

00:59:20.120 I don't think that we've answered the why do men suck at sharing one.

00:59:23.760 Yeah, let's do that.

00:59:24.560 All right.

00:59:24.840 So Scott Brookens.

00:59:26.280 Let's do that.

00:59:26.720 Why do men suck at sharing their knowledge? 0.96

00:59:29.500 Suck at sharing their knowledge.

00:59:33.880 Well, there's a lot of reasons.

00:59:35.080 Number one, we're just oblivious to it.

00:59:36.680 Like we don't, we're so selfish and self-centered.

00:59:38.820 We don't even think about it.

00:59:39.740 Like we just do our thing and we're like, oh, wait, what?

00:59:42.000 Somebody wanted to know?

00:59:43.180 Like, yeah.

00:59:43.920 Yeah.

00:59:44.680 So we're just completely clueless of what's going on.

00:59:47.700 That might be one.

00:59:48.360 Uh, that's probably the biggest culprit.

00:59:52.280 Another reason that somebody might not share their knowledge is because if somebody else

00:59:56.200 knows it, then they're perceived as less valuable.

00:59:58.420 It's a growth mindset.

00:59:59.320 You're a commodity.

01:00:00.140 Yeah.

01:00:01.260 Yeah.

01:00:01.600 I mean, if you, if you, if you're the only one in the office who knows how to do that

01:00:06.000 thing, you are a commodity.

01:00:07.600 And what I would say to that, to go back to our previous question is share the knowledge,

01:00:14.360 be abundant, but here's the catch.

01:00:16.500 And this is probably why a lot of guys don't do it.

01:00:19.160 You have to continue to reinvent yourself because if you learn a new skill and you're the only

01:00:25.420 one in the office that knows it, so you're not going to share it with other people, then

01:00:28.420 there's no reason for you to reinvent yourself.

01:00:30.300 You can just rest on your laurels.

01:00:31.300 And there's no reason to promote you either into another position.

01:00:34.020 That's true.

01:00:38.460 But if I start sharing and teaching other people, my knowledge, then I'm going to have

01:00:44.880 to go get new knowledge.

01:00:46.780 Otherwise I might not be as valuable as I once was.

01:00:50.280 And I actually think that's a wonderful thing.

01:00:53.200 Kip, if I can teach you to do something that I'm previously doing, then that frees me up

01:00:57.020 to your point to go do something maybe better, but I'm going to have to exert myself to do

01:01:02.220 it.

01:01:02.360 So I think a lot of it just comes down to cluelessness.

01:01:05.000 And I think the other part of it is just ego, pride, and arrogance.

01:01:09.580 Yeah.

01:01:10.320 And the only thing I'd add to, I think most people don't know how to teach and coach very

01:01:19.220 well either.

01:01:21.460 So this could be an element of this where it's like, well, I share my knowledge with them.

01:01:25.960 You're like, yeah, but no one understood what you're saying.

01:01:29.340 You didn't coach very well.

01:01:31.580 No one was able to comprehend anything.

01:01:34.060 And so I do, and I do think it's a talent.

01:01:36.560 More and more, I get into learning and development.

01:01:39.760 People have no idea how humans retain information and learn.

01:01:46.860 And we all grab what we've done throughout our entire lives, and we go, well, when I was

01:01:53.340 a kid and I quote unquote learned, people spoke at me and I sat in a chair.

01:01:58.780 So I'm just going to regurgitate that same thing, and I'm going to preach at people, and

01:02:02.900 that's how you teach people.

01:02:04.880 And it's, of course, not an effective way of teaching anybody anything.

01:02:08.920 But regardless, I think we just, out of ignorance of how do you share effectively, I don't think

01:02:14.960 we do that very well either.

01:02:16.360 You know, to your point, one area of life I see this play out really frequently, jujitsu.

01:02:22.940 Yeah.

01:02:24.660 There are some incredible tacticianers, and I won't name any names, but they are incredible

01:02:31.720 at their skill, and their skill is not translatable to other people.

01:02:36.160 They're horrible, like their tone of voice, the way they explain things, their mannerisms.

01:02:44.560 I'm like, how are you so amazing at this, and so horrible at showing other people how

01:02:50.020 to do this?

01:02:51.420 It is a skill.

01:02:52.300 You said talent.

01:02:53.420 I think there's probably some talent.

01:02:54.900 I look at the difference between a talent and a skill.

01:02:57.260 Talent is more God-given, I think.

01:02:59.980 You're naturally inclined.

01:03:01.980 And a skill is something that you develop, so it's probably a little bit of nature and

01:03:05.400 nurture.

01:03:06.140 Yeah.

01:03:07.220 So if you're, if everybody should learn how to teach, because that's what we do as human

01:03:14.620 beings.

01:03:14.960 Yeah.

01:03:15.500 We teach.

01:03:16.720 Yeah.

01:03:17.860 It's, well, it's your conduit of influence.

01:03:21.600 So if you can't, if you can't coach and teach something to someone, then you, you can't impact

01:03:29.260 others.

01:03:30.320 Yeah.

01:03:30.520 Yeah.

01:03:30.700 It's a big deal.

01:03:31.300 I mean, you can look, you can look at people who share similar things, like take somebody

01:03:35.800 like Jordan Peterson, who shares really valuable information.

01:03:40.460 The, the way he teaches doesn't totally resonate with me, but it's, you can't argue he resonates

01:03:46.140 with people clearly.

01:03:47.740 Totally.

01:03:48.700 And then you could take somebody who shares very similar information, but maybe they share

01:03:52.680 it in an inferior way.

01:03:53.800 And so the information's great.

01:03:56.200 The knowledge is great on both sides of the, how many professors have an endless amount

01:04:01.160 of wisdom and knowledge and aren't sharing it like Jordan Peterson is.

01:04:05.480 So who's better?

01:04:06.780 Jordan Peterson.

01:04:07.900 Cause he has a bigger impact than the guy who has just as much knowledge, but hasn't learned

01:04:13.720 how to share it with people in a resonating way.

01:04:15.800 Totally.

01:04:16.720 It's crazy how that is, huh?

01:04:18.640 Yeah.

01:04:19.520 Well, it's awesome because then it means you just need to do a better job.

01:04:23.960 You need to learn what you need to learn in order to impact and reach more people.

01:04:27.420 And that's what we all want.

01:04:29.760 Like we all want to be more influential.

01:04:31.960 Totally.

01:04:32.180 Well, and this is where Jim quick is.

01:04:34.740 I love, that's why I love him so much as a, as a author and a thought leaders is really,

01:04:41.260 he's tackling that conversation of how do I, how do we get data and knowledge retained,

01:04:47.600 right?

01:04:48.480 How do you make it sticky?

01:04:50.040 So people actually apply it to their lives.

01:04:52.620 I mean, it's, it's great stuff.

01:04:53.860 And of course he's been on the podcast a number of times and a really good stuff that he has.

01:04:58.500 So, okay, man, let's get you on your way.

01:05:02.000 So a couple items, um, of course, if you want to learn more about the iron council, you can

01:05:06.740 go to order man.com slash iron council and sign up.

01:05:09.220 We're not open for enrollment, but you can sign up for newsletters, stay informed.

01:05:14.000 Um, maybe an update from you, sir, on, on the, um, divorce, not death.

01:05:19.060 Yeah.

01:05:19.480 So the, the, uh, website is available.

01:05:22.820 Um, we don't open until October 1st, but if you go to divorce, not death, this is for

01:05:27.560 men in their first 12 months or so of divorce.

01:05:31.600 So newly divorced, going through the divorce, um, what to expect, how to navigate it from

01:05:36.540 financial to legal ramifications to the rights that you have as a father, um, to, uh, maybe

01:05:43.380 on the tail end to going back into the dating pool to co-parenting anything and everything

01:05:49.920 in between.

01:05:50.460 We've got X, I don't have all the answers.

01:05:52.400 I'm going through it, you know, fairly early myself, but we're bringing in experts from

01:05:56.940 all of these different areas and realms to teach those of us who have gone through divorces

01:06:01.480 or in the early stages of a divorce, how to navigate it most effectively.

01:06:05.160 Very dark time.

01:06:06.260 Kip, you know, I know millions of other men know it's a very, very dark time.

01:06:10.920 Uh, and it doesn't have to be as long as it is for a lot of guys because they don't

01:06:16.500 quite know how to navigate it.

01:06:17.620 So that's what this course is all about.

01:06:18.840 So divorce, not death.

01:06:20.240 And that starts in October 1st, October 1st.

01:06:22.840 Excellent.

01:06:23.300 And then you can connect with Ryan on X and Instagram at Ryan Mickler.

01:06:28.520 Anything else, sir?

01:06:29.440 That's it, guys.

01:06:31.040 Great questions today.

01:06:31.960 Hopefully we gave you something to chew on, go out there, take action and become the man

01:06:35.620 you are meant to be.

01:06:40.020 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.

01:06:42.900 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:06:46.700 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - July 31, 2024

Masculinity： When Men Cry ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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