Order of Man - Men, Be More Assertive ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 The world is filled with men who are unable or unwilling or incapable of asserting themselves, 1.00

00:00:07.060 telling people what they want.

00:00:08.800 Guys, life will give you exactly what you ask.

00:00:11.180 Today, I'm going to talk with you about being more assertive.

00:00:13.460 And specifically, we're going to address three key ways to do that.

00:00:16.580 And then when we close this thing out today, I'm going to share with you five key exercises

00:00:21.760 that you can implement on a daily basis that will help you be more assertive.

00:00:26.580 Just say no.

00:00:27.720 You don't owe anybody an explanation.

00:00:30.000 You're a man of action.

00:00:31.600 You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:35.980 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:40.420 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.

00:00:45.260 This is your life.

00:00:46.620 This is who you are.

00:00:48.000 This is who you will become.

00:00:49.740 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:56.360 Man, I want you to be more assertive.

00:00:58.520 Not for my sake, but for yours.

00:01:00.260 The world is filled with men who are unable or unwilling or incapable of asserting themselves, 1.00

00:01:07.500 telling people what they want, being direct and clear in their communication, not manipulating,

00:01:12.420 not playing games, and ultimately not achieving their heart's desire.

00:01:16.540 And part of that, a large part of that, is because their inability to be assertive, to be clear

00:01:23.440 and bold and precise and courageous.

00:01:26.540 There's so many recovering nice guys in society today, and these guys let people railroad them.

00:01:31.960 They let people run all over them.

00:01:33.960 They don't get what they want.

00:01:35.040 And ultimately, they build up resentment, bitterness, contention, and animosity.

00:01:40.360 Today, I'm going to talk with you about being more assertive, and specifically, we're going

00:01:43.560 to address three key ways to do that.

00:01:45.920 And then when we close this thing out today, I'm going to share with you five key exercises

00:01:51.900 that you can implement on a daily basis that will help you be more assertive if you tend

00:01:56.540 to be either a passive communicator or even a passive aggressive communicator.

00:02:01.560 Now, before I get into that, guys, I just want to mention my good friends and the sponsor

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00:02:45.680 Guys, let's get into this today.

00:02:47.400 Really, ultimately, if you want to have more in life, you're going to need to learn to be

00:02:52.300 assertive in your communication.

00:02:53.840 Let's talk about communication styles first.

00:02:55.780 Number one, and these aren't in any order, but you have a passive communicator.

00:03:02.020 A passive communicator is somebody who may know what they want, but ultimately is unwilling

00:03:07.280 or incapable of communicating it to other people.

00:03:10.060 They're timid.

00:03:11.080 They're bashful.

00:03:12.140 They're shy.

00:03:13.040 They're fearful.

00:03:13.920 They're afraid.

00:03:14.820 And they're not going to risk anything in order to put themselves out there.

00:03:20.640 On the opposite end of the spectrum, you have an aggressive communicator.

00:03:23.760 This is a bully. 0.95

00:03:24.940 This is somebody who just runs over people, runs roughshod, doesn't really care about other 0.98

00:03:30.380 people's opinions or what they think.

00:03:32.280 It's very selfish.

00:03:34.000 He knows what he wants.

00:03:35.360 He goes after what he wants to hell or high water.

00:03:38.120 And if anybody gets in his way, that's on them, not on him.

00:03:41.700 That's a problem.

00:03:43.020 You're not going to have, you might get compliance, but you're not going to have a commitment from

00:03:47.500 people.

00:03:47.820 And that's clearly a problem.

00:03:49.660 Somewhere in the middle, you have this version of communication, which is passive aggressive. 0.96

00:03:55.100 This is the class clown.

00:03:56.480 This is the guy who's sarcastic. 0.95

00:03:58.200 He can't seem to take anything seriously.

00:04:01.060 He mocks, he belittles, he's rude. 0.91

00:04:03.420 He makes snarky, backhanded, underhanded comments, and he's just annoying and obnoxious.

00:04:10.640 Humor is fine.

00:04:11.580 And that's one thing.

00:04:12.340 But if you're hiding behind humor or hiding behind sarcasm, we all know, we know that it's

00:04:18.940 a, it's a, it's a coping mechanism.

00:04:20.880 It's a tactic to hide your fear.

00:04:23.440 And that's the, the one thing that those three communication styles all have in common.

00:04:28.280 They're afraid, afraid maybe of different things, but ultimately they're afraid.

00:04:33.420 The passive person is afraid of being ostracized from the group, is afraid of being mocked and

00:04:40.140 ridiculed and belittled.

00:04:41.760 The aggressive communicator is afraid that he will be unnoticed or that he won't get what

00:04:49.160 he wants and he won't get the attention that he desires.

00:04:52.880 And the passive aggressive communicator is afraid probably of both of those things.

00:04:58.120 And so he cloaks his fear behind humor, behind comedy, behind sarcasm.

00:05:03.600 And again, there's nothing wrong with being humorous and funny, but if it's a hundred percent

00:05:07.360 of the time, I can't help, but wonder what is it that you're trying to hide and why are

00:05:11.580 you being the way you are to everybody around you?

00:05:14.560 Now, the most healthy form of communication is assertive communication.

00:05:19.260 This is a man who knows what he wants.

00:05:21.640 He knows what he's willing to do.

00:05:23.100 He understands the cost.

00:05:25.180 He's willing to enlist other people.

00:05:27.360 He's certainly willing to communicate what it is that he desires with other people, but

00:05:32.420 he also takes their perspective into consideration.

00:05:36.120 He also considers their point of view and what they might bring to the table.

00:05:40.660 And he's more about cooperation and commitment from himself and other people than he is simply

00:05:46.340 getting people to comply.

00:05:48.140 He's bold.

00:05:49.340 He's direct.

00:05:50.460 He's assertive.

00:05:51.260 But he's also humble and he's gracious and he's willing to listen to the input of other

00:05:58.040 people.

00:05:58.920 That's the kind of man that I want to be.

00:06:00.840 And I strive to be.

00:06:02.080 I'm not always that way.

00:06:03.340 Just like you aren't always one way or the other.

00:06:05.760 But I think all of us, myself included, could do a whole lot better job of being more assertive

00:06:10.880 than we are passive aggressive or passive aggressive.

00:06:14.100 I tend to gravitate naturally to more of an aggressive communication style or if I'm feeling

00:06:20.400 snarky to get into that passive aggressive stage.

00:06:23.580 But I'm always striving to be more assertive in the way I communicate.

00:06:27.740 Now, let's talk about this.

00:06:28.880 Number one, you have to know exactly what it is you want.

00:06:31.640 It seems like most of the time when I do these Friday field notes, that's always step number

00:06:35.660 one.

00:06:36.540 You have to know yourself.

00:06:38.380 How many how much time on a daily basis do you spend thinking about what do you want

00:06:43.720 to accomplish in your relationship, in your business with regards to your physical health,

00:06:48.660 your mental stability and well-being, your spiritual growth and evolution, the kind of relationships

00:06:53.860 that you want to have with other people, the kind of hobbies and activities and life that

00:06:58.140 you would like to enjoy.

00:06:59.080 I have this tool that I use.

00:07:01.540 It's our 12-week battle planner.

00:07:03.260 And I spend a lot of time, specifically every quarter, thinking about what we call our vision,

00:07:08.220 what I envision my life to look like over the next quarter or year, five or 10 years.

00:07:13.560 And then we reverse engineer the process.

00:07:15.580 But it's all based on the ultimate objective of the kind of man that we want to be.

00:07:21.060 Too many men know inherently and instinctively that they want to improve their life, but they're

00:07:26.700 not real clear on how to do it or what that actually might look like.

00:07:29.980 So if you have a tool, use it.

00:07:31.980 If you don't, I'd highly recommend the 12-week battle planner.

00:07:34.960 You can get it at the store at store.orderofman.com or I believe at orderofman.com slash TWBP, TWBP

00:07:44.340 for 12-week battle planner.

00:07:45.800 And we're going to walk you through how to create a vision, how to identify quarterly objectives,

00:07:51.360 how to identify tactics, things you can do every single day to ensure you're achieving

00:07:55.680 your objectives, which align with your vision.

00:07:58.060 And then we help you come up with checkpoints to make sure you're on the path along the way.

00:08:02.420 But we got to get past this, I don't know mentality or I don't care.

00:08:08.320 Sometimes my kids will say, I don't care.

00:08:10.660 I don't buy it.

00:08:11.940 I think, yeah, probably there's some things where you may not really care about.

00:08:16.900 But for the most part, I can't really think of too many things that I genuinely have no opinion

00:08:21.800 on.

00:08:22.620 I do care.

00:08:24.100 And that might be a personality thing.

00:08:26.920 But if you're saying, I don't care, or it doesn't matter, or I don't know, then you might

00:08:32.220 be defaulting into this passive communication style that certainly is not going to allow you

00:08:36.720 to get what you want.

00:08:37.500 I spend a lot of my time, most of my, almost exclusively my adult life in career pursuits

00:08:47.320 that are centered around sales.

00:08:50.020 And we know that the number one reason that people don't get the sale they're after is

00:08:56.100 they don't ask for it.

00:08:57.880 Guys, life will give you exactly what you ask of it.

00:09:00.900 If you ask very little and nothing of life, and you just let it happen to you, that's exactly

00:09:05.360 what your experience is going to be.

00:09:07.520 If you demand a lot from this experience that we have, and you're willing to put forth the

00:09:11.980 work and articulate what it is you want, life will give you exactly that.

00:09:16.800 Number two, we need to practice being assertive.

00:09:20.420 Guys, if you are not assertive, you're aggressive, you're passive, or you're passive aggressive,

00:09:24.620 then you have to practice.

00:09:27.460 And it's not going to feel comfortable.

00:09:30.100 It's not going to be easy.

00:09:32.380 I wish I could just say, just be more assertive.

00:09:34.500 That's it.

00:09:34.980 It's not.

00:09:35.640 It's hard.

00:09:37.260 If you're not used to asserting yourself and just kind of slinking away into obscurity

00:09:42.540 for me to tell you that you need to do X, Y, and Z and tell people what you want, I acknowledge

00:09:48.600 that that is not going to be an easy task.

00:09:52.080 It's simple, but it isn't easy. 0.99

00:09:54.740 If you're a jerk and aggressive to every single person that you come in contact with, scaling 0.99

00:10:00.080 it back a little bit and teaching you a way to communicate, not less than, not inferior 0.99

00:10:06.780 to, but in communicating a more effective way to get what you want over long and sustained

00:10:11.700 periods of time, it's going to be difficult for you not to be that aggressive communicator.

00:10:17.020 So the best way to do this is to practice and acknowledge that you're going to feel uncomfortable,

00:10:21.580 but that the discomfort you're experiencing is worth the result that you will achieve

00:10:27.220 when you decide to clearly articulate what you want and enlist other people, platonic,

00:10:33.480 personal, professional relationships to achieve not just what you want, but help other people

00:10:39.320 achieve what they want.

00:10:40.560 Now, I'm not going to break this down too much further than this.

00:10:43.100 It's going to take time.

00:10:44.220 It's going to take practice and commitment and dedication to improving.

00:10:47.240 But when I get to the last point I wanted to share with you today, I have five exercises

00:10:51.400 that you can employ every day to help you practice the concept of being more assertive

00:10:57.200 in your communication with other people.

00:10:59.120 All right.

00:10:59.640 Number three is we have to constantly evaluate our performance.

00:11:04.500 When you go from passive communication to assertive communication, you are probably going

00:11:10.480 to feel like you are being aggressive.

00:11:13.340 That's because it's all subjective.

00:11:15.360 If we're to look at this as a sliding scale and on one end of the scale, you have a passive

00:11:21.440 communicator and on the other end of the scale, you have an aggressive communicator.

00:11:25.800 The passive communicator, if I'm telling him to move into being more assertive is going to

00:11:31.340 believe that he's going too far and he's becoming aggressive.

00:11:35.900 The aggressive communicator, if I'm telling him to ease up, pump the brakes, learn to involve

00:11:42.360 other people in the process, maybe deliver that a little bit differently to land a little

00:11:48.140 bit more effectively.

00:11:49.380 That person's going to feel like they're being too passive in life.

00:11:53.760 So we have to constantly evaluate our performance.

00:11:56.560 And we do that by looking at and evaluating how people are responding to us.

00:12:02.820 That's the greatest indicator of your ability to communicate effectively.

00:12:06.760 If you aren't getting what you want out of life, it's probably because you haven't articulated

00:12:12.040 clearly.

00:12:13.440 That's something that you should know.

00:12:15.500 If you have articulated it clearly, but you're having a hard time enlisting the buy-in of other

00:12:20.480 people, they don't trust you, they don't believe in you, they might do what you want, but you

00:12:25.220 don't feel total commitment from them.

00:12:26.820 That's a pretty good indicator that you are probably being too aggressive in your communication.

00:12:33.000 If you find the sweet spot, which is, I feel like I communicate effectively.

00:12:38.460 I feel like we're on the path to achieving my desired results.

00:12:42.700 The people around me seem to enjoy being on this ride.

00:12:46.080 They seem to be willing to communicate with me when they have fears or doubts or concerns

00:12:50.620 or frustrations or even wins and successes that are willing to share with me.

00:12:54.300 And they seem like they're bought into what we're doing.

00:12:57.740 You could look at this in a romantic relationship.

00:13:01.140 If you have ideas for the family dynamic and your wife seems to be on board, that's a good 0.99

00:13:08.200 indicator that you're communicating in a way that lands with her.

00:13:11.240 If in a professional front, you have a business partner who bucks your ideas all the time, isn't

00:13:18.520 really willing to negotiate on any of that.

00:13:21.820 Maybe that's going to tell you something.

00:13:23.420 If alternatively, you have a business partner who never takes your thoughts into consideration,

00:13:28.740 who never considers what you might think, who never considers that maybe he doesn't have

00:13:34.640 all of the answers and that you might have some, that's an indicator that you might be

00:13:39.180 passive.

00:13:40.460 So let's look at the way people are responding to us.

00:13:43.240 And that's not to say that you need to change your opinions about things necessarily.

00:13:48.780 There is a time for that when you have new information that changes things.

00:13:51.640 But you might want to be flexible in the way that you communicate with people.

00:13:56.540 We hear this thing of the zero F's mentality.

00:14:00.500 I don't care what anybody else thinks.

00:14:02.580 If they don't like it, that's on them. 1.00

00:14:04.360 If they don't understand, they're an idiot. 1.00

00:14:06.280 No, if they don't understand and you need them to understand, then you're the idiot because 1.00

00:14:11.500 you're not communicating in a way that's powerful for them. 0.99

00:14:14.280 An assertive communicator is able to ebb and flow and weave through this interpersonal dynamic

00:14:23.060 based on who he's talking with.

00:14:24.520 He's not changing his personality.

00:14:26.780 He's not changing who he is at his core or his opinions about things.

00:14:30.920 He's not being dishonest with himself, but he's able to articulate concepts, ideas, desires,

00:14:40.600 requests in a way that lands with other people.

00:14:44.140 And every single person is different.

00:14:46.080 So we as men who want to influence and inspire other people to do things need to be able to

00:14:53.500 read what other people are feeling.

00:14:56.060 Hey, that person seems put out right now.

00:14:59.240 Good to know.

00:15:00.220 What can I do in my communication to move the mission forward, but to get them on board?

00:15:06.680 These are all things we need to become more aware of.

00:15:09.160 Now, guys, let's break down five really cool, really uncomfortable things that you can do

00:15:16.660 on a daily basis that are going to help you be more assertive in your life.

00:15:22.100 Number one, and some of these are, a couple of these are going to feel maybe a little trivial,

00:15:25.680 but just try them and let me know what you think.

00:15:28.800 Number one, when anybody asks you about something or your opinion about something

00:15:35.520 or asks you to make a choice, force yourself to make the choice.

00:15:40.740 A classic example is everybody at the office wants to go to lunch and everybody's kind of

00:15:45.580 him-hawing around about where we're going to go and what we're going to do.

00:15:48.980 You make the choice.

00:15:50.060 Just say, hey, I want to go to the steakhouse.

00:15:53.540 Now, they can agree or disagree or come up with something else, and that might happen,

00:15:58.000 but ultimately, the exercise is you communicating what you want.

00:16:04.300 If somebody asks your opinion, your wife asks your opinion about which dress you like,

00:16:09.300 you don't say, ah, it doesn't matter.

00:16:12.120 I don't care.

00:16:13.120 That's passive.

00:16:14.680 She's asking for your opinion, so give it.

00:16:17.060 And you can do this tactfully.

00:16:18.060 Hey, babe, I like the blue dress, or I like the summer dress, or I don't like any of those

00:16:23.600 dresses.

00:16:23.980 You know what?

00:16:24.320 I actually like that one thing in your closet.

00:16:25.980 You should wear that.

00:16:28.260 Whenever you're presented with an opportunity to communicate your opinion, share it.

00:16:35.280 Now, don't have any expectation.

00:16:37.120 Don't believe that just because you share your opinion, the other party's obligated to take

00:16:41.660 it because you're going to be let down and set up for disappointment.

00:16:45.180 It's not what I'm saying here.

00:16:46.220 I just want you to get comfortable with sharing your opinion.

00:16:50.000 If you're in a board meeting and somebody says, hey, Joe, what do you think about this?

00:16:55.720 We're really struggling in this one department.

00:16:57.260 What do you think?

00:16:58.100 I don't know.

00:16:58.980 It doesn't matter.

00:16:59.940 Whatever you guys think, that's not an acceptable answer if you want to be more assertive.

00:17:04.880 If you're okay with where you are, then sure, by all means.

00:17:07.560 But if you want to be more assertive, share your opinion.

00:17:11.420 It's going to be uncomfortable.

00:17:13.160 What you share is probably not going to be polished because you're not used to doing

00:17:17.080 it.

00:17:17.340 But this is what it takes.

00:17:19.260 Number two, ask for a discount every place that you go.

00:17:23.840 Every single place.

00:17:25.100 Do this for a week.

00:17:26.060 Do this for two weeks.

00:17:26.760 Do this for a month.

00:17:27.500 It's very uncomfortable.

00:17:29.600 It's not an easy thing to do.

00:17:31.200 It seems like it is, but it really isn't.

00:17:33.880 And you're going to have all sorts of stories like, oh, they're going to think I'm cheap or

00:17:38.520 gosh, I'm slowing down the line like I should just do it.

00:17:42.320 Just do it.

00:17:43.180 And I'll tell you why.

00:17:45.060 Because you're going to learn to be uncomfortable in interpersonal communication.

00:17:51.380 And it's okay.

00:17:53.040 You're not going to always feel comfortable about what needs to be said.

00:17:56.380 The other party isn't always going to be comfortable about what you need to say.

00:17:59.780 And if you can put yourself into this environment of discomfort, when it comes to communicating

00:18:04.800 with other people, you'll find out that it's not as scary as you think.

00:18:09.560 Oftentimes, probably the majority of times you'll get the discount, which is the object

00:18:15.240 of the game to get what you desire, which is to save some money.

00:18:19.560 But you're going to find that you can do it.

00:18:22.860 And you're going to find that you can still articulate what you want, even though you don't

00:18:26.740 feel comfortable about doing it.

00:18:27.960 So that's lesson number two, or experience number two.

00:18:33.420 Number three, this one's tough.

00:18:35.160 Learning to say no without explanation.

00:18:38.560 I think a lot of people can say no, but they usually come up with an excuse as to why they

00:18:42.460 can't.

00:18:43.360 So for example, you have a friend.

00:18:46.520 He calls you up and he's like, hey, can you help me move this weekend?

00:18:50.800 And you don't want to help him move.

00:18:53.380 So you say, well, man, I'd really love to, but.

00:18:57.960 I'd really love to, but I made a promise to somebody else.

00:19:02.420 And well, we might go out of town, but we don't know yet.

00:19:05.440 But can I get back with you?

00:19:06.640 Like we all know the game.

00:19:09.560 What I want you to get good at is saying no without an explanation.

00:19:13.300 How does this look?

00:19:15.300 Hey, Joe, can you help me move this weekend?

00:19:18.620 No, I can't.

00:19:24.080 Period.

00:19:25.840 That's it.

00:19:27.280 Now, if he asks why, you might clearly communicate that and I'll get that in a minute.

00:19:33.220 But that's going to be really, really difficult for you.

00:19:36.400 Not especially if you're used to coming up with excuses.

00:19:38.520 Just say no.

00:19:42.860 You don't owe anybody an explanation.

00:19:46.000 Now, maybe some people you do, but for the most part, the overwhelming majority of the time, you don't owe people an explanation.

00:19:53.160 And it's not about whether you owe it to them or not.

00:19:55.300 It's about just learning to be vocal, to be bold, to be assertive, and not to have to feel like you need to justify your reason for doing something or not doing something with other people.

00:20:05.620 I don't need to justify why I can't or won't.

00:20:09.440 I don't need to justify why I will.

00:20:11.840 Some people I will because I have a commitment.

00:20:13.540 My kids, for example, the woman I'm dating, for example, because there's some commitment there above and beyond just saying no.

00:20:20.520 But for the most part, no, I don't owe anybody an explanation.

00:20:24.760 If your boss says, hey, can you work overtime this Friday night and you don't want to?

00:20:29.020 The answer is no.

00:20:31.160 Hey, I really appreciate you asking.

00:20:32.640 I appreciate the opportunity, but I'm not interested in that.

00:20:35.280 Thank you.

00:20:35.800 I'll see you Monday.

00:20:36.960 That's so hard to do.

00:20:39.160 But I promise if you can get better at that, you're going to learn to be more assertive.

00:20:43.220 All right, let's go to point number four.

00:20:45.320 And that's to constantly be evaluating your language.

00:20:50.700 Language is interesting, but it's important.

00:20:52.720 And I want you to start being more precise with your words.

00:20:57.440 If you say you can't do something, and I'm focusing on the word can't, what that means, by definition, is you're unable to do it.

00:21:08.460 Can't means you're unable to.

00:21:10.580 Physically, mentally, emotionally, time-wise, etc.

00:21:13.640 You cannot do it.

00:21:16.540 Can't does not mean I don't want to do it.

00:21:20.420 And there's a distinction there.

00:21:23.980 I want you to be more clear with your words because when you learn to use your words precisely, you're going to say exactly what you mean.

00:21:30.960 And that's really important.

00:21:32.400 When I was doing retail management, part of my job was to recruit and bring on new employees.

00:21:42.680 And I remember vividly some of the instruction that we received was if we were turning somebody down for a position, the verbiage that we used was, we do not have a position for you here.

00:21:55.440 Period.

00:21:58.000 Period.

00:21:59.180 There was no embellishment.

00:22:00.700 There was nothing.

00:22:01.360 It was, thank you for coming in.

00:22:03.620 Thank you for spending time with us.

00:22:05.040 Thank you for your interest.

00:22:06.380 But we do not have a position for you here.

00:22:08.500 Now, one habit I got into, which is wrong, by the way, is we do not have a position for you here right now.

00:22:18.720 That's a little bit of a change of language.

00:22:21.980 It's a little bit softer.

00:22:23.420 We don't have a position right now because what does it actually mean?

00:22:27.000 Well, it means that we might have something for you down the road.

00:22:29.960 Is that true?

00:22:30.760 No, it's not true.

00:22:31.640 These are individuals that I'm not interested in hiring now or later.

00:22:39.380 So if I'm using the verbiage, we don't have a position for you right now, it's just kicking the can down the road.

00:22:47.400 And it's giving them a false sense of hope that you shouldn't do anyways.

00:22:53.260 So the correct verbiage was we do not have a position for you.

00:22:57.560 If I said we do not have a position for you here now, then they would ask, oh, when do you have something else available?

00:23:05.100 And because I was being soft and passive, I'd say, I don't know, you know, check back in a couple of months.

00:23:10.220 They don't need to check back in a couple of months.

00:23:12.100 I'm not going to have a position for you then.

00:23:14.820 So why are we using language that doesn't clearly articulate what exactly we want?

00:23:19.600 The can't versus the won't, the we don't have a position for you right now, even the language of, I don't know, I don't care, whatever you think.

00:23:31.160 No, if you care and you actually have an opinion, then don't say that because you're lying.

00:23:37.780 Use precise language that articulates exactly what you mean.

00:23:43.140 This takes practice and you're going to slip up and you're going to foul up because you're trying to preserve other people's feelings and you're trying to preserve the way you feel about letting somebody down, but use precise language.

00:23:53.860 The last one that I have for you guys, and this one's going to sound like a throwaway, but it's very important, is just be honest in all things.

00:24:01.280 It's easy on the big things, very easy on the big things.

00:24:04.160 It's the little things that are harder.

00:24:07.420 Your wife says, did you like this meal that I made for you tonight?

00:24:10.280 If you didn't like it, you have to say it. 0.99

00:24:15.820 Now, there's a tactful way to say it, so I'm not saying that you need to be a jerk, because ultimately, you do need to tiptoe into a little bit of an asshole territory if you're used to being a passive person, because you don't know what's appropriate and what isn't. 0.98

00:24:29.200 You don't have that frame yet. 0.99

00:24:32.980 But I'm not giving you a permission slip to be a jerk to people. 0.91

00:24:37.020 But if she says, hey, hon, did you like the meal, and it was overcooked, you can soften the language a little bit by saying, hey, you know what? 0.97

00:24:47.000 I really appreciate you cooking dinner for us tonight.

00:24:49.820 But yeah, this one wasn't my favorite.

00:24:51.760 It just seemed like it was a little dry.

00:24:53.240 Like, you can say that.

00:24:56.260 You should be able to say that.

00:24:57.360 And by the way, in order to have the capital to be able to say something like that, you also have to be able to give the positives either in that moment or when there's other meals that she cooks, for example, that you really enjoy.

00:25:08.940 So if she makes a delicious meatloaf, then you need to say, hey, babe, this thing is amazing, juicy, tender, beautiful flavor.

00:25:18.140 This is like a top five meal for me.

00:25:20.400 And that way, when you come in and you have to say, no, that one wasn't my favorite, it doesn't derail everything.

00:25:26.760 It doesn't blow her world up.

00:25:28.060 She just chalks it up as, yeah, it's not his favorite.

00:25:30.520 If she says, hey, do you like this dress, and this one's a constant debate, but as hard as it is to say, if you don't like it, you might say, to soften the language, you know, that one's not my favorite dress.

00:25:45.220 But you know what dress I really like is I like that blue one that you wear.

00:25:49.920 Again, you're using precise language.

00:25:51.740 You're being delicate in your approach, but you're being honest.

00:25:54.840 When people ask for your opinion as to whether or not you like something, what you think about something, it's important to be honest.

00:26:07.040 Why would you not?

00:26:08.120 Well, I understand why you wouldn't, because you're afraid.

00:26:10.900 And you're afraid of two things.

00:26:12.140 You're afraid of hurting other people's feelings, and you're afraid of the discomfort that you will experience if you do hurt other people's feelings.

00:26:20.160 Other people's feelings are not your problem.

00:26:22.160 It's something to be aware of, especially if they're people that you care about.

00:26:26.360 But ultimately, honesty is the best policy.

00:26:29.960 Because what I want in a relationship, whether it's with a friend or romantic interest or professional relationship, is I want to be a trustworthy person.

00:26:40.900 I want the other party to know, hey, when I ask Ryan about something, I may not always like the response, but I know I'm always getting a truthful answer from him.

00:26:50.880 And there is tremendous, tremendous value in that, especially because we live in a world of dishonesty and manipulation.

00:27:00.980 So it's really refreshing when somebody is tactfully honest.

00:27:07.720 So guys, I hope that serves you.

00:27:09.240 I would love to see more of us be more assertive.

00:27:11.340 It's going to be interesting. 0.99

00:27:12.360 If you're going from passive to aggressive, you're going to feel like a dick at times. 0.98

00:27:15.400 If you're going from aggressive to passive, you're going to feel like a passive wimp at times. 0.97

00:27:20.440 You'll find it if you're willing to really pour into it.

00:27:23.020 Let's break this down again.

00:27:24.140 Number one, know exactly what you want.

00:27:25.820 Number two, practice being assertive over time. 0.99

00:27:29.900 Again, you're going to have to tiptoe into that asshole territory a little bit because you don't know what's appropriate and what isn't yet. 0.93

00:27:35.120 Number three, to evaluate your performance based on how other people are responding to you. 0.96

00:27:39.380 And then the exercises are telling people what you want when confronted with an opinion.

00:27:44.980 Number two, asking for discounts for the next week or month, wherever you go.

00:27:48.560 Number three, saying no to people without an explanation.

00:27:51.940 Number four, evaluating the language.

00:27:53.820 I can't do that versus I don't want to do that is good language.

00:27:58.360 Or the analogy I used was hiring people.

00:28:01.080 We don't have a position for you right now.

00:28:02.680 Although the real answer is we don't have a position for you.

00:28:06.620 And then the last one is be honest in all things, especially the big things are easy.

00:28:12.640 Be honest even in the little things.

00:28:14.400 Do it tactfully, do it politely and respectfully, but share your opinion and be honest.

00:28:18.680 I hope that serves you.

00:28:19.720 Guys, let me know how it goes.

00:28:20.920 If you're implementing this stuff, if you're trying these things for the first time, I know it's scary.

00:28:25.400 I know it can be a challenge, but I also know it's worth it.

00:28:28.580 And you'll experience big, big results in obtaining what your heart desires in this life if you're more assertive.

00:28:35.120 All right, guys, we'll be back next week.

00:28:37.960 Until then, go out there, take action, be assertive, and become the man you are meant to be.

00:28:44.020 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

00:28:49.700 If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be,

00:28:53.720 we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

00:28:56.900 All right, guys.

00:28:57.680 Thank you.

00:28:59.560 Thank you.

00:29:01.680 Thank you.

00:29:03.040 Oh, God.

00:29:03.500 Thank you.

00:29:03.800 Thank you.

Order of Man - May 17, 2024

Men, Be More Assertive ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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