Men, Be More Assertive ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
175.89554
Summary
The world is filled with men who are unable or unwilling or incapable of asserting themselves, telling people what they want, being direct and clear in their communication, not manipulating, not playing games, and ultimately not achieving their heart s desire. And part of that is because their inability to be assertive, to be clear and bold, and to be a man of action.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
The world is filled with men who are unable or unwilling or incapable of asserting themselves,
00:00:11.180
Today, I'm going to talk with you about being more assertive.
00:00:13.460
And specifically, we're going to address three key ways to do that.
00:00:16.580
And then when we close this thing out today, I'm going to share with you five key exercises
00:00:21.760
that you can implement on a daily basis that will help you be more assertive.
00:00:31.600
You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart your own path.
00:00:35.980
When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
00:00:40.420
You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
00:00:49.740
At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
00:01:00.260
The world is filled with men who are unable or unwilling or incapable of asserting themselves,
00:01:07.500
telling people what they want, being direct and clear in their communication, not manipulating,
00:01:12.420
not playing games, and ultimately not achieving their heart's desire.
00:01:16.540
And part of that, a large part of that, is because their inability to be assertive, to be clear
00:01:26.540
There's so many recovering nice guys in society today, and these guys let people railroad them.
00:01:35.040
And ultimately, they build up resentment, bitterness, contention, and animosity.
00:01:40.360
Today, I'm going to talk with you about being more assertive, and specifically, we're going
00:01:45.920
And then when we close this thing out today, I'm going to share with you five key exercises
00:01:51.900
that you can implement on a daily basis that will help you be more assertive if you tend
00:01:56.540
to be either a passive communicator or even a passive aggressive communicator.
00:02:01.560
Now, before I get into that, guys, I just want to mention my good friends and the sponsor
00:02:08.700
If you're looking for a good quality knife, whether you're going out in the field this
00:02:11.820
spring or summer or even in the winter or fall for hunting, look no further than Montana
00:02:18.280
Or if you enjoy being in the kitchen and you want a great culinary set, I have their culinary
00:02:24.320
I use it just about every day, and I love how easy it is to slice through the veggies and
00:02:29.020
the meat and everything that I'm cooking for my children.
00:02:31.560
But again, if you're interested in a really high quality, made in America knife, go check
00:02:39.580
And when you do, use the code ORDEROFMAN, all one word, ORDEROFMAN at checkout, and you'll
00:02:47.400
Really, ultimately, if you want to have more in life, you're going to need to learn to be
00:02:55.780
Number one, and these aren't in any order, but you have a passive communicator.
00:03:02.020
A passive communicator is somebody who may know what they want, but ultimately is unwilling
00:03:07.280
or incapable of communicating it to other people.
00:03:14.820
And they're not going to risk anything in order to put themselves out there.
00:03:20.640
On the opposite end of the spectrum, you have an aggressive communicator.
00:03:24.940
This is somebody who just runs over people, runs roughshod, doesn't really care about other
00:03:35.360
He goes after what he wants to hell or high water.
00:03:38.120
And if anybody gets in his way, that's on them, not on him.
00:03:43.020
You're not going to have, you might get compliance, but you're not going to have a commitment from
00:03:49.660
Somewhere in the middle, you have this version of communication, which is passive aggressive.
00:04:03.420
He makes snarky, backhanded, underhanded comments, and he's just annoying and obnoxious.
00:04:12.340
But if you're hiding behind humor or hiding behind sarcasm, we all know, we know that it's
00:04:23.440
And that's the, the one thing that those three communication styles all have in common.
00:04:28.280
They're afraid, afraid maybe of different things, but ultimately they're afraid.
00:04:33.420
The passive person is afraid of being ostracized from the group, is afraid of being mocked and
00:04:41.760
The aggressive communicator is afraid that he will be unnoticed or that he won't get what
00:04:49.160
he wants and he won't get the attention that he desires.
00:04:52.880
And the passive aggressive communicator is afraid probably of both of those things.
00:04:58.120
And so he cloaks his fear behind humor, behind comedy, behind sarcasm.
00:05:03.600
And again, there's nothing wrong with being humorous and funny, but if it's a hundred percent
00:05:07.360
of the time, I can't help, but wonder what is it that you're trying to hide and why are
00:05:11.580
you being the way you are to everybody around you?
00:05:14.560
Now, the most healthy form of communication is assertive communication.
00:05:27.360
He's certainly willing to communicate what it is that he desires with other people, but
00:05:32.420
he also takes their perspective into consideration.
00:05:36.120
He also considers their point of view and what they might bring to the table.
00:05:40.660
And he's more about cooperation and commitment from himself and other people than he is simply
00:05:51.260
But he's also humble and he's gracious and he's willing to listen to the input of other
00:06:03.340
Just like you aren't always one way or the other.
00:06:05.760
But I think all of us, myself included, could do a whole lot better job of being more assertive
00:06:10.880
than we are passive aggressive or passive aggressive.
00:06:14.100
I tend to gravitate naturally to more of an aggressive communication style or if I'm feeling
00:06:20.400
snarky to get into that passive aggressive stage.
00:06:23.580
But I'm always striving to be more assertive in the way I communicate.
00:06:28.880
Number one, you have to know exactly what it is you want.
00:06:31.640
It seems like most of the time when I do these Friday field notes, that's always step number
00:06:38.380
How many how much time on a daily basis do you spend thinking about what do you want
00:06:43.720
to accomplish in your relationship, in your business with regards to your physical health,
00:06:48.660
your mental stability and well-being, your spiritual growth and evolution, the kind of relationships
00:06:53.860
that you want to have with other people, the kind of hobbies and activities and life that
00:07:03.260
And I spend a lot of time, specifically every quarter, thinking about what we call our vision,
00:07:08.220
what I envision my life to look like over the next quarter or year, five or 10 years.
00:07:15.580
But it's all based on the ultimate objective of the kind of man that we want to be.
00:07:21.060
Too many men know inherently and instinctively that they want to improve their life, but they're
00:07:26.700
not real clear on how to do it or what that actually might look like.
00:07:31.980
If you don't, I'd highly recommend the 12-week battle planner.
00:07:34.960
You can get it at the store at store.orderofman.com or I believe at orderofman.com slash TWBP, TWBP
00:07:45.800
And we're going to walk you through how to create a vision, how to identify quarterly objectives,
00:07:51.360
how to identify tactics, things you can do every single day to ensure you're achieving
00:07:58.060
And then we help you come up with checkpoints to make sure you're on the path along the way.
00:08:02.420
But we got to get past this, I don't know mentality or I don't care.
00:08:11.940
I think, yeah, probably there's some things where you may not really care about.
00:08:16.900
But for the most part, I can't really think of too many things that I genuinely have no opinion
00:08:26.920
But if you're saying, I don't care, or it doesn't matter, or I don't know, then you might
00:08:32.220
be defaulting into this passive communication style that certainly is not going to allow you
00:08:37.500
I spend a lot of my time, most of my, almost exclusively my adult life in career pursuits
00:08:50.020
And we know that the number one reason that people don't get the sale they're after is
00:08:57.880
Guys, life will give you exactly what you ask of it.
00:09:00.900
If you ask very little and nothing of life, and you just let it happen to you, that's exactly
00:09:07.520
If you demand a lot from this experience that we have, and you're willing to put forth the
00:09:11.980
work and articulate what it is you want, life will give you exactly that.
00:09:16.800
Number two, we need to practice being assertive.
00:09:20.420
Guys, if you are not assertive, you're aggressive, you're passive, or you're passive aggressive,
00:09:32.380
I wish I could just say, just be more assertive.
00:09:37.260
If you're not used to asserting yourself and just kind of slinking away into obscurity
00:09:42.540
for me to tell you that you need to do X, Y, and Z and tell people what you want, I acknowledge
00:09:54.740
If you're a jerk and aggressive to every single person that you come in contact with, scaling
00:10:00.080
it back a little bit and teaching you a way to communicate, not less than, not inferior
00:10:06.780
to, but in communicating a more effective way to get what you want over long and sustained
00:10:11.700
periods of time, it's going to be difficult for you not to be that aggressive communicator.
00:10:17.020
So the best way to do this is to practice and acknowledge that you're going to feel uncomfortable,
00:10:21.580
but that the discomfort you're experiencing is worth the result that you will achieve
00:10:27.220
when you decide to clearly articulate what you want and enlist other people, platonic,
00:10:33.480
personal, professional relationships to achieve not just what you want, but help other people
00:10:40.560
Now, I'm not going to break this down too much further than this.
00:10:44.220
It's going to take practice and commitment and dedication to improving.
00:10:47.240
But when I get to the last point I wanted to share with you today, I have five exercises
00:10:51.400
that you can employ every day to help you practice the concept of being more assertive
00:10:59.640
Number three is we have to constantly evaluate our performance.
00:11:04.500
When you go from passive communication to assertive communication, you are probably going
00:11:15.360
If we're to look at this as a sliding scale and on one end of the scale, you have a passive
00:11:21.440
communicator and on the other end of the scale, you have an aggressive communicator.
00:11:25.800
The passive communicator, if I'm telling him to move into being more assertive is going to
00:11:31.340
believe that he's going too far and he's becoming aggressive.
00:11:35.900
The aggressive communicator, if I'm telling him to ease up, pump the brakes, learn to involve
00:11:42.360
other people in the process, maybe deliver that a little bit differently to land a little
00:11:49.380
That person's going to feel like they're being too passive in life.
00:11:53.760
So we have to constantly evaluate our performance.
00:11:56.560
And we do that by looking at and evaluating how people are responding to us.
00:12:02.820
That's the greatest indicator of your ability to communicate effectively.
00:12:06.760
If you aren't getting what you want out of life, it's probably because you haven't articulated
00:12:15.500
If you have articulated it clearly, but you're having a hard time enlisting the buy-in of other
00:12:20.480
people, they don't trust you, they don't believe in you, they might do what you want, but you
00:12:26.820
That's a pretty good indicator that you are probably being too aggressive in your communication.
00:12:33.000
If you find the sweet spot, which is, I feel like I communicate effectively.
00:12:38.460
I feel like we're on the path to achieving my desired results.
00:12:42.700
The people around me seem to enjoy being on this ride.
00:12:46.080
They seem to be willing to communicate with me when they have fears or doubts or concerns
00:12:50.620
or frustrations or even wins and successes that are willing to share with me.
00:12:54.300
And they seem like they're bought into what we're doing.
00:12:57.740
You could look at this in a romantic relationship.
00:13:01.140
If you have ideas for the family dynamic and your wife seems to be on board, that's a good
00:13:08.200
indicator that you're communicating in a way that lands with her.
00:13:11.240
If in a professional front, you have a business partner who bucks your ideas all the time, isn't
00:13:23.420
If alternatively, you have a business partner who never takes your thoughts into consideration,
00:13:28.740
who never considers what you might think, who never considers that maybe he doesn't have
00:13:34.640
all of the answers and that you might have some, that's an indicator that you might be
00:13:40.460
So let's look at the way people are responding to us.
00:13:43.240
And that's not to say that you need to change your opinions about things necessarily.
00:13:48.780
There is a time for that when you have new information that changes things.
00:13:51.640
But you might want to be flexible in the way that you communicate with people.
00:14:06.280
No, if they don't understand and you need them to understand, then you're the idiot because
00:14:11.500
you're not communicating in a way that's powerful for them.
00:14:14.280
An assertive communicator is able to ebb and flow and weave through this interpersonal dynamic
00:14:26.780
He's not changing who he is at his core or his opinions about things.
00:14:30.920
He's not being dishonest with himself, but he's able to articulate concepts, ideas, desires,
00:14:40.600
requests in a way that lands with other people.
00:14:46.080
So we as men who want to influence and inspire other people to do things need to be able to
00:15:00.220
What can I do in my communication to move the mission forward, but to get them on board?
00:15:06.680
These are all things we need to become more aware of.
00:15:09.160
Now, guys, let's break down five really cool, really uncomfortable things that you can do
00:15:16.660
on a daily basis that are going to help you be more assertive in your life.
00:15:22.100
Number one, and some of these are, a couple of these are going to feel maybe a little trivial,
00:15:25.680
but just try them and let me know what you think.
00:15:28.800
Number one, when anybody asks you about something or your opinion about something
00:15:35.520
or asks you to make a choice, force yourself to make the choice.
00:15:40.740
A classic example is everybody at the office wants to go to lunch and everybody's kind of
00:15:45.580
him-hawing around about where we're going to go and what we're going to do.
00:15:53.540
Now, they can agree or disagree or come up with something else, and that might happen,
00:15:58.000
but ultimately, the exercise is you communicating what you want.
00:16:04.300
If somebody asks your opinion, your wife asks your opinion about which dress you like,
00:16:18.060
Hey, babe, I like the blue dress, or I like the summer dress, or I don't like any of those
00:16:28.260
Whenever you're presented with an opportunity to communicate your opinion, share it.
00:16:37.120
Don't believe that just because you share your opinion, the other party's obligated to take
00:16:41.660
it because you're going to be let down and set up for disappointment.
00:16:46.220
I just want you to get comfortable with sharing your opinion.
00:16:50.000
If you're in a board meeting and somebody says, hey, Joe, what do you think about this?
00:16:55.720
We're really struggling in this one department.
00:16:59.940
Whatever you guys think, that's not an acceptable answer if you want to be more assertive.
00:17:04.880
If you're okay with where you are, then sure, by all means.
00:17:07.560
But if you want to be more assertive, share your opinion.
00:17:13.160
What you share is probably not going to be polished because you're not used to doing
00:17:19.260
Number two, ask for a discount every place that you go.
00:17:33.880
And you're going to have all sorts of stories like, oh, they're going to think I'm cheap or
00:17:38.520
gosh, I'm slowing down the line like I should just do it.
00:17:45.060
Because you're going to learn to be uncomfortable in interpersonal communication.
00:17:53.040
You're not going to always feel comfortable about what needs to be said.
00:17:56.380
The other party isn't always going to be comfortable about what you need to say.
00:17:59.780
And if you can put yourself into this environment of discomfort, when it comes to communicating
00:18:04.800
with other people, you'll find out that it's not as scary as you think.
00:18:09.560
Oftentimes, probably the majority of times you'll get the discount, which is the object
00:18:15.240
of the game to get what you desire, which is to save some money.
00:18:22.860
And you're going to find that you can still articulate what you want, even though you don't
00:18:27.960
So that's lesson number two, or experience number two.
00:18:38.560
I think a lot of people can say no, but they usually come up with an excuse as to why they
00:18:46.520
He calls you up and he's like, hey, can you help me move this weekend?
00:18:53.380
So you say, well, man, I'd really love to, but.
00:18:57.960
I'd really love to, but I made a promise to somebody else.
00:19:02.420
And well, we might go out of town, but we don't know yet.
00:19:09.560
What I want you to get good at is saying no without an explanation.
00:19:27.280
Now, if he asks why, you might clearly communicate that and I'll get that in a minute.
00:19:33.220
But that's going to be really, really difficult for you.
00:19:36.400
Not especially if you're used to coming up with excuses.
00:19:46.000
Now, maybe some people you do, but for the most part, the overwhelming majority of the time, you don't owe people an explanation.
00:19:53.160
And it's not about whether you owe it to them or not.
00:19:55.300
It's about just learning to be vocal, to be bold, to be assertive, and not to have to feel like you need to justify your reason for doing something or not doing something with other people.
00:20:11.840
Some people I will because I have a commitment.
00:20:13.540
My kids, for example, the woman I'm dating, for example, because there's some commitment there above and beyond just saying no.
00:20:20.520
But for the most part, no, I don't owe anybody an explanation.
00:20:24.760
If your boss says, hey, can you work overtime this Friday night and you don't want to?
00:20:32.640
I appreciate the opportunity, but I'm not interested in that.
00:20:39.160
But I promise if you can get better at that, you're going to learn to be more assertive.
00:20:45.320
And that's to constantly be evaluating your language.
00:20:52.720
And I want you to start being more precise with your words.
00:20:57.440
If you say you can't do something, and I'm focusing on the word can't, what that means, by definition, is you're unable to do it.
00:21:10.580
Physically, mentally, emotionally, time-wise, etc.
00:21:23.980
I want you to be more clear with your words because when you learn to use your words precisely, you're going to say exactly what you mean.
00:21:32.400
When I was doing retail management, part of my job was to recruit and bring on new employees.
00:21:42.680
And I remember vividly some of the instruction that we received was if we were turning somebody down for a position, the verbiage that we used was, we do not have a position for you here.
00:22:08.500
Now, one habit I got into, which is wrong, by the way, is we do not have a position for you here right now.
00:22:23.420
We don't have a position right now because what does it actually mean?
00:22:27.000
Well, it means that we might have something for you down the road.
00:22:31.640
These are individuals that I'm not interested in hiring now or later.
00:22:39.380
So if I'm using the verbiage, we don't have a position for you right now, it's just kicking the can down the road.
00:22:47.400
And it's giving them a false sense of hope that you shouldn't do anyways.
00:22:53.260
So the correct verbiage was we do not have a position for you.
00:22:57.560
If I said we do not have a position for you here now, then they would ask, oh, when do you have something else available?
00:23:05.100
And because I was being soft and passive, I'd say, I don't know, you know, check back in a couple of months.
00:23:10.220
They don't need to check back in a couple of months.
00:23:14.820
So why are we using language that doesn't clearly articulate what exactly we want?
00:23:19.600
The can't versus the won't, the we don't have a position for you right now, even the language of, I don't know, I don't care, whatever you think.
00:23:31.160
No, if you care and you actually have an opinion, then don't say that because you're lying.
00:23:37.780
Use precise language that articulates exactly what you mean.
00:23:43.140
This takes practice and you're going to slip up and you're going to foul up because you're trying to preserve other people's feelings and you're trying to preserve the way you feel about letting somebody down, but use precise language.
00:23:53.860
The last one that I have for you guys, and this one's going to sound like a throwaway, but it's very important, is just be honest in all things.
00:24:01.280
It's easy on the big things, very easy on the big things.
00:24:07.420
Your wife says, did you like this meal that I made for you tonight?
00:24:15.820
Now, there's a tactful way to say it, so I'm not saying that you need to be a jerk, because ultimately, you do need to tiptoe into a little bit of an asshole territory if you're used to being a passive person, because you don't know what's appropriate and what isn't.
00:24:32.980
But I'm not giving you a permission slip to be a jerk to people.
00:24:37.020
But if she says, hey, hon, did you like the meal, and it was overcooked, you can soften the language a little bit by saying, hey, you know what?
00:24:47.000
I really appreciate you cooking dinner for us tonight.
00:24:57.360
And by the way, in order to have the capital to be able to say something like that, you also have to be able to give the positives either in that moment or when there's other meals that she cooks, for example, that you really enjoy.
00:25:08.940
So if she makes a delicious meatloaf, then you need to say, hey, babe, this thing is amazing, juicy, tender, beautiful flavor.
00:25:20.400
And that way, when you come in and you have to say, no, that one wasn't my favorite, it doesn't derail everything.
00:25:28.060
She just chalks it up as, yeah, it's not his favorite.
00:25:30.520
If she says, hey, do you like this dress, and this one's a constant debate, but as hard as it is to say, if you don't like it, you might say, to soften the language, you know, that one's not my favorite dress.
00:25:45.220
But you know what dress I really like is I like that blue one that you wear.
00:25:51.740
You're being delicate in your approach, but you're being honest.
00:25:54.840
When people ask for your opinion as to whether or not you like something, what you think about something, it's important to be honest.
00:26:08.120
Well, I understand why you wouldn't, because you're afraid.
00:26:12.140
You're afraid of hurting other people's feelings, and you're afraid of the discomfort that you will experience if you do hurt other people's feelings.
00:26:22.160
It's something to be aware of, especially if they're people that you care about.
00:26:29.960
Because what I want in a relationship, whether it's with a friend or romantic interest or professional relationship, is I want to be a trustworthy person.
00:26:40.900
I want the other party to know, hey, when I ask Ryan about something, I may not always like the response, but I know I'm always getting a truthful answer from him.
00:26:50.880
And there is tremendous, tremendous value in that, especially because we live in a world of dishonesty and manipulation.
00:27:00.980
So it's really refreshing when somebody is tactfully honest.
00:27:09.240
I would love to see more of us be more assertive.
00:27:12.360
If you're going from passive to aggressive, you're going to feel like a dick at times.
00:27:15.400
If you're going from aggressive to passive, you're going to feel like a passive wimp at times.
00:27:20.440
You'll find it if you're willing to really pour into it.
00:27:25.820
Number two, practice being assertive over time.
00:27:29.900
Again, you're going to have to tiptoe into that asshole territory a little bit because you don't know what's appropriate and what isn't yet.
00:27:35.120
Number three, to evaluate your performance based on how other people are responding to you.
00:27:39.380
And then the exercises are telling people what you want when confronted with an opinion.
00:27:44.980
Number two, asking for discounts for the next week or month, wherever you go.
00:27:48.560
Number three, saying no to people without an explanation.
00:27:53.820
I can't do that versus I don't want to do that is good language.
00:28:02.680
Although the real answer is we don't have a position for you.
00:28:06.620
And then the last one is be honest in all things, especially the big things are easy.
00:28:14.400
Do it tactfully, do it politely and respectfully, but share your opinion and be honest.
00:28:20.920
If you're implementing this stuff, if you're trying these things for the first time, I know it's scary.
00:28:25.400
I know it can be a challenge, but I also know it's worth it.
00:28:28.580
And you'll experience big, big results in obtaining what your heart desires in this life if you're more assertive.
00:28:37.960
Until then, go out there, take action, be assertive, and become the man you are meant to be.
00:28:44.020
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
00:28:49.700
If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be,
00:28:53.720
we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.