Men： Masters of Disguise ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
In this episode, I discuss the importance of putting away the disguise that keeps us feeling like we are not capable of doing the things we need to do in order to be the best version of ourselves. I talk about how to stop hiding behind false bravado and start being the man you are meant to be.
Transcript
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And to overcome this master of disguise where we just walk around saying, I'm fine, I'm
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Like we just walk around like these empty vessels of who we could otherwise be is to
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You know, obviously we're coming up on the new year, 2025.
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I know that's a great time of the year to start thinking about and refocusing on goals
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And there's one tactic that I've employed for the past 11 years, 10, 11 years now.
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And that is, I set my goals in 90 day increments.
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You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time.
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Every time you are not easily deterred, defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
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This is who you will become at the end of the day.
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And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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I don't know what it is this time of year, but it seems like more than throughout the
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rest of the year, men are really struggling with their mental and emotional health.
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I titled this podcast and conversation today, man, a master of disguise, because even though
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so many men are really struggling in their lives, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, they're
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down, they're depressed, they're anxious, potentially even suicidal, men are very, very good at hiding
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And because we're good at hiding it, we don't get the help and the support that we could
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Part of the reason we don't get that support is because we believe that if we do get the
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help that we need, and I'll talk a little bit about what those concepts are, that will
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And it says something, at least from our perception, about our capabilities and who we are as men.
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But I've never really found that to be a compelling case.
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Anytime that we are weak in an area, it's never a problem to go shore that area.
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So, for example, if you are not as healthy as you could otherwise be, nobody would ever
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criticize you or mock you for going to the gym and trying to get in shape.
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That's doing the help and the work that you need.
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If you're deficient in some skill set at work and you want to advance in your career and
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you invest time and money and energy into developing that skill set further, you would not consider
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In fact, if anything, you would think the opposite.
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Well, the same is true about our mental health.
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We deal with death of loved ones, loss of a job, health challenges, breakdowns in relationships,
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And we can do everything that we can to not have to put ourselves in those situations or at
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least to some degree lower the likelihood that we will, but it does happen.
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And we as men need to be able to address those things from an emotional and a mental perspective
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And the first step to doing this is to stop hiding, stop being in a disguise.
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Now, there is a time and a place where you can't break down and have a sob story and wallow in
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your own self-pity and throw yourself a pity party and all of those things.
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Of course, there's a time and a place, but there's also an appropriate time and an appropriate
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way to deal with what you are actually confronted with.
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Again, those examples that I may have given you earlier.
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And then also, I would suggest that even though you may not feel like you're in that position
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right now, I can guarantee you with 100% certainty that there's a man in your circle and in your
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He's hiding behind his desire to look capable, to have everything together.
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And you'll hear this in a man's voice when he says, I'm fine, or things are okay, or things are good.
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But if you look for subtle clues, like a change in behavior typically, if he's usually excited and happy
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and outgoing, but you've noticed over a period of time that that seems to be dwindling.
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Or maybe he was very active in a group text, and all of a sudden, he's not participating anymore.
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If you're noticing things that are off, don't let those things go unsaid.
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Make sure if you are really a friend or a father or a brother or a colleague, a co-worker,
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when you start to notice these trends in other men, you acknowledge it, you ask them about it,
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and also, you push just a little to try to get to the bottom of it.
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Now, ultimately, they can decide whether or not they want to share, but if you are the
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kind of guy who has created an environment where he can share with you, free of judgment
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and critique, then I think that man will be more prone to open up.
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I've known people who have taken their own lives, and in that moment, I can't help but think,
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And looking at it now, the reason that person might not have reached out is because, frankly,
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they weren't in the mental and emotional headspace to do that.
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So my second thought tends to gravitate towards, why didn't I reach out?
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Why wasn't I aware of what that person was dealing with?
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Or if I was aware, why didn't I bring anything up?
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And another person's life is not our responsibility necessarily, but if that person is somebody
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that you care about, then you can take some of the responsibility to reach out to connect
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Now, what I want to share with you are six things that you can do personally to drop the
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disguise, drop the ego, drop the bravado, again, when appropriate, so that you can actually
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address the mental toils and stressors and challenges and insecurities that you are dealing
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with as a man, not because you're weak, but because you want to make yourself the best capable
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man. So you have happiness, fulfillment, enjoyment, purpose, so that you can serve the people that
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you love the best, your wife, your kids, your clients, people in your community. You can't do that
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unless you're taking care of yourself. It's easy to go to the gym and look the part, but unless you're
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really addressing the spiritual, mental, and emotional component of your life, you're leaving
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a lot of room on the table that could otherwise serve you and the people that you care about.
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So let's break this down. Number one, first things, and first and foremost, is just building
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the kind of friendships that support you. Now, there's going to be a lot of different types
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of people that come into your life. Romantic interests, friends, people that you work
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with, family member that you are born into. There's a lot of different people in your life
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and everybody has a place, I think. Well, I shouldn't say everybody, but the people you're choosing
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to have in your life, they have a place and not all of those are going to be appropriate
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at all times. A great example of that is the somewhat polarizing subject of communicating
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all of your problems with your wife. Now, on one side of the table, there's people who say,
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oh, that's my best friend and I need to tell her everything. And I understand that argument.
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The other side says, well, no, it's not my responsibility to dump my baggage on her.
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I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle on that. But what I will say is that your wife
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is not going to fully comprehend or understand what it is you might be going through as a man.
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And that's not to be an indictment on her. It's just that she doesn't realize everything that could
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potentially be going on with you. There's a lot of expectations to take care of the family,
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provide for the family, do it with a smile on your face, put your head down,
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nose to the grindstone type stuff. And a lot of the times we don't share those burdens with other
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people, probably because we're not real sure if they would even understand what those are.
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And so I think there is a place and a time for being honest with your wife about what you are
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struggling with, but it can be different with men. We can talk to each other differently.
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A lot of times we're a little bit more harsh with each other. Hopefully that's coming from a loving
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position, a place of care. But also there's just a level of understanding. And if you bring up an
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issue about a relationship issue, for example, or a performance issue at work, most other guys are
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going to understand exactly what you're going through because they've either gone through it
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themselves or they're in the midst of it themselves. So it is crucial that we build up those kind of
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friendships. And the first thing I would tell you to do is to start to look in your circle now and
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ask yourself, who are the people that I want to get closer to, that I want to build a better
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relationship with. There's probably three or four that I can think of right now personally, that I
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would love to build and foster a deeper, more connected group of friends and spend more time with
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these guys. So you can find them in your current circle. The next thing that you can do is go where
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these men are. Business meetings, the gym, you know, invite friends to bring friends. So you start
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to connect and widen out your reach and your influence as a man. You're going to start meeting
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really cool people who you're going to form a relationship with. The gym, jujitsu, other
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activities and hobbies that you have a desire to engage in. We'll talk a little bit more about that
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shortly. And then the third is you could always go to conferences and events, join programs and
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courses or brotherhoods or masterminds. We have one's called the Iron Council. It's opening up here
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in two days. And that's a great way for you to build friendships with guys that you never would have been
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able to do. And a lot of those guys are already qualified. At least they're qualified to the point
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that they're interested in building a better life for themselves and getting some accountability from
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other men in doing it. And so that's a pretty good qualifier. And what's beautiful about what
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we're doing there is these guys are getting together face-to-face and they're doing meetups and
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they're meeting up for breakfast and they're going on hikes and they're going on, you know,
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camping adventures. It's pretty cool to see what these guys are creating all because there was a place
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that qualified, again, men to some degree that they had a desire to excel and be part of a
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brotherhood. You can check it out, orderaman.com slash ironcouncil. That's one avenue of an infinite
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number of ways to connect with other men. But the second point that I wanted to make is that you
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actually have to be the kind of person that you need in your friend circle. It's a give and take
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relationship. All relationships are hopefully reciprocal in some way. And so if you want other
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people to step up and be part of your board of advisors, people that you can bounce ideas off of
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and share your struggles and get insight from, then you try to be that for somebody else. It's not
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enough just to say, I need a relationship with other guys so that if I need something, I have somewhere
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to turn. There's nothing wrong with that. But if that's the only reason, you're going to have a
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harder time doing that than if you spend time focusing on being the kind of person you need in
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your life. When you do this, it's interesting because if you're feeling cautious about opening up
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and building a powerful relationship with other men, it's safe to say that other people are feeling
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that way. So when you go first as leaders do, in a way, even if it's subconscious, you are giving
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other people permission to do the same. And when they start to open up and start to share, encourage
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that, foster that growth and that commitment and that desire to build a tight-knit, solid group of men,
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not just golfing buddies. Nothing wrong with golfing buddies. But in this case, I'm talking about ways
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that we can go even deeper, be that kind of man first. And how do you do that? Well, you have to
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be open and honest about what you're feeling so that other people know they can give you feedback.
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And I actually think it's courageous to share what you're experiencing. Now we don't have to share
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everything. And I'm not just telling you to be a completely open book and just regurgitate everything
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that, you know, you happen to be thinking about and just dump it on somebody's lap, especially when
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it's not the time or place. But I am saying that if it's appropriate, be honest. If somebody is
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genuinely asking you, hey, man, how are you doing? Be a little bit courageous and tell them, hey, you
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know, I'm not doing so well right now, actually. You know, my mom passed away two years ago today and
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it's been hard. Or, you know, one of my kids is really struggling. They just graduated high school
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and they're out in college and they don't know what they're doing. And I see them going down the
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wrong path and I'm struggling with it. Or work isn't as productive as it's been in the past.
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You know, it was good a couple of years ago and then COVID hit and the economy and just work's never
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been the same. And I'm trying to figure out how to get back on top of it. Be honest. Now, I think you
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can tell when somebody is just being friendly, like, hey, how you doing? And in that case, it's I'm doing
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good. How about you? Fine. No problem. But if somebody is genuinely asking, hey, how are you?
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That's a good opportunity to be honest with that person. And look, I know I get it. A lot of guys
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are like, well, I don't trust people. And I've had trust people. I've had people let me down. I mean,
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welcome to life. You are going to be let down and you're going to let other people down. But we're not
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talking about brain surgery here. And we're not talking about catastrophic consequences. If you tell
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people you're having a bad day, but like, what is the worst case scenario? They're not interested
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or they brush you off or blow you off. It's really not that big of a deal unless you make it a big
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deal. So you can be trusting because you decide to trust. It's not this it can be, but it's not
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exclusively this internal thing where somebody has built up this level of trust and it's just happened
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over time. Sure. But also you have to be trusting. You have to make the decision to trust that other
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people will handle what you're sharing with some class and some grace. Now, if they prove they can't
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do that, then you wouldn't go any further. But again, we're not talking about deep, dark secrets that
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could potentially get you in trouble or, you know, your wildest thoughts and dreams. Like,
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obviously you're going to use some discretion in what you share, but you can be open and honest.
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And I've also found too, this has helped me because even this morning I was talking with some of the
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guys in the iron council and we're on a team ourselves and I hold them accountable. They hold
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me accountable. And we were talking about our plans coming up into 2025 and everybody went and,
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you know, it's kind of my turn and I'm thinking to myself, man, I do this for a living. And I was
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still thinking, man, I don't know if, I don't know if I want to share these things, but I did.
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And what helped me in that moment and has helped me in the past is by asking questions. We get so
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wrapped up in how we're looking, how we'll be perceived, you know, what will people think of us,
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that sort of thing. When instead you can drop all of that by just asking questions. So if you're
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struggling with a business venture, let's say a very simple question is asking them, Hey, I'm in the
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midst of this business venture. Uh, I'm, I'm struggling with a couple little things here and
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there. I'm curious, have you ever found yourself in this position? The difference between that and
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complaining is that now it's directional. A lot of guys won't share what's on their mind because
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they don't want to complain. There's sometimes there's no value in complaining, right? We've,
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we've all heard that. It's just whining. Nobody's interested in it. And I'm not interested in whining
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to other people. But when you ask questions, you are suggesting that you have a problem. You wouldn't
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ask the question if you didn't have a problem, but you're not focusing on the problem. You're focused
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on the solution. You're being solution oriented and men are solution oriented. We are constantly,
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whether it's conscious or subconsciously looking for problems in society, in culture, in the way
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the office culture is in a project that we've been tasked with in a relationship, or if your wife or
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girlfriend had a bad day, like you're trying to, we're always looking for problems. Now it doesn't
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always do us well if we're trying to solve every problem that we're presented with. But if you have
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a problem, instead of whining about it, you can be open and honest with the people who are closest to
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you because they might have a solution. And guess what? If you feel valuable when you provide
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solutions to other people, then what you're doing by asking other people, qualified people,
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I should say, the questions that you're struggling with, you're providing them with an opportunity to
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serve you. So don't think that you're only extracting from the relationship when you ask somebody a really
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good question. You're actually giving them a gift, an opportunity to be valuable, but you have to go
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first and being open and honest. And instead of whining about things, asking questions. So it's not,
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yeah, my wife and I, oh, it's so hard right now. We're having such a problem. No, it's my wife and
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I have been having, you know, some problems with our communication. Like, have you ever been in that
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situation? And what did you do? See the difference? You're addressing the problem, but you're not doing
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it from a place of complaining. You're doing it from a place of trying to solve the problem.
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Number four, get healthy and get fit. I know every time I do a list on Friday, it's always something
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about being healthy and being fit. And I've been on both sides of the equation where I've been
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out of shape and lazy and a little pathetic, if I'm being honest. And I've been on the other side
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of the equation where I've got everything dialed in, locked down, strong, building strength and doing
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good in that department. And I can tell you, even though it does take sacrifice to eat the right things,
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to go to the gym every day, to move your body, to get the sleep, to get the water, all the things that
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you need to do, I can tell you, and I think you know this, that life is just better when you're
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more fit. From a physical standpoint, you look better, but also you have more energy, you have
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more focus, you have more clarity, you have more determination, you have more strength to handle
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the physical aspects of life. But we're not really talking so much about the physical side today,
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but on the emotional and mental side, when you're fit, that's a level of confidence that you can't
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manufacture. It's there because you know you want to battle today by going to the gym or by losing 20
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pounds or by not eating the cheeseburger that you really wanted and you went with the chicken breast
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and vegetables instead. When you start winning those little battles and they compound over time and then
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you look in the mirror and you look a little slimmer or you got to punch a new hole in your belt
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because you need to tighten up your belt since you've lost two to four to six inches around your
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midsection. Those are good feelings and outside of the physical benefits of it, the mental and the
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emotional benefits of being healthy and in shape cannot be overstated. It is hugely, hugely important
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and if that's enough to get you out of bed because you're have this internal struggle of not going in,
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then that that's enough and that hopefully that does it for you. But I'm telling you, the benefits
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of it outweigh the cost, that's for sure. I said it was a sacrifice earlier and I said this to
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a friend of mine. I said, oh, it's a sacrifice. He said, no, it's not a sacrifice. It's an investment.
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It's an investment in yourself when you get up and you go to the gym or it's an investment in yourself
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when you eat the proper food and delay gratification on the other stuff. It's an investment, not a
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sacrifice. And I like that distinction. Number, let's see, that was four. So number five, engage in
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hobbies that uplift and challenge you. I threw challenge in at the end as I was writing notes
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and thinking about what I wanted to talk with you about because I think for most men, it's not enough
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just to have fun or to be happy. Those have never really been goals of mine. Now I know I'm a
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serious person, so there's other people who probably have those goals. And I'm not saying
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I don't want to have fun or I don't want to be happy, but that really isn't the ultimate
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driver of the decisions that I'm making. Instead, I like to be challenged. I like to be pushed.
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John Eldridge in his book, Wild at Heart, talks about the question that every man is answering,
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which is, do I have what it takes? So if I go on a hike, I want to know I have what it takes.
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And so I'm going to train for that to the best that I can. And the hikes that I have not trained
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for don't go well. And so the answer, do I have what it takes is in some cases, no.
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Or if I'm trying to learn a new martial art or go to the gym or learn firearms or learning how to
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paint or pick your poison, whatever it is, I want it to be challenging. And I also want it to be
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meaningful. I think a lot of the times we will often do what the people in our lives do because of
00:22:49.600
proximity and convenience, or maybe even will look online to guys like me or somebody like Jocko or
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Cam Haynes or David Goggins, any of these other people that I know that you guys listen to. And I
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do as well. And it's tempting at times to do exactly what they do because you see this person has a good
00:23:11.280
life. They're succeeding, they're thriving, but I'm telling you, and I think I talked about this in
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the Iron Council the other day. If your ladder is up against the wrong wall, not only are you wasting
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your time, but you're not going to be satisfied and happy on that journey. You might even be
00:23:32.400
miserable. And you can know it if you're saying, oh, you know, I don't want to do this, but I have
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to do this. And yes, some things have to be done that you don't want to. But if you're not into
00:23:42.460
jujitsu, don't do jujitsu. If you're not into hunting, don't do hunting. Now I would say we
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should all as men try those things and pursue that. If you find something that's meaningful
00:23:54.540
and significant, then keep pursuing it. But don't put your ladder on my wall. You don't need to climb
00:24:01.920
my tower. Find your own tower and climb that wall because then it won't feel like work. It won't be
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stressful for you. It'll be hard, but it'll have purpose. And so even in the times that are hard,
00:24:14.360
you'll continue to do it. When I was at the gym this morning, I was doing squats. And I think I was,
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I think I did four sets of eight and I got to the fourth set and I got to six, five, six on my reps.
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And I remember thinking to myself, this is heavy. This is getting heavy. I was tempted to put it
00:24:38.020
away. I was tempted to rack the weight. It was heavy. My legs were burning. It was hard.
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But instead of racking the weight, I decided, you know, no, I'm not going to rack the weight. I'm
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going to finish my, my rep scheme and I'm going to get this done because this is important. And the
00:24:54.640
fact that it hurts and there, but there's meaning to it is the point. It is the point that it hurts.
00:25:01.560
It is the point that it's uncomfortable. If it wasn't uncomfortable, in many cases, it just wouldn't
00:25:06.420
be worth doing. So engage in hobbies that yes, uplift you, but also challenge you in a meaningful
00:25:14.860
purpose-driven way. And then the last point that I have right here, again, to overcome this master of
00:25:20.640
disguise where we just walk around saying, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm good. I don't need anything.
00:25:25.420
I'm happy. Things are good. I'm busy. Like we just walk around like these empty vessels of who we could
00:25:31.520
otherwise be is to set healthy goals. You know, obviously we're coming up on the new year, 2025.
00:25:37.940
I know that's a great time of the year to start thinking about and refocusing on goals and objectives
00:25:44.260
and things that you want to accomplish and things that you want to do in life. And that's great.
00:25:49.240
Like, I don't think you need to wait till the new year to do it, but if that's the catalyst that
00:25:53.820
propels you forward, then by all means use new year's resolutions as a way to do it,
00:25:58.640
but find some healthy goals. And we've all heard smart goals, specific, measurable, achievable,
00:26:08.060
realistic, you know, all those sorts of things. We've all heard that, but there's one tactic that
00:26:13.720
I've employed for the past 11 years, 10, 11 years now. And that is I set my goals in 90 day increments
00:26:22.620
one quarter at a time. Now I have bigger goals that I'm working towards. Um, I have a vision,
00:26:28.940
a greater, bigger way that I want to be in life. Yes, I have that. But when I get tactical,
00:26:34.720
I'm getting very specific, but I'm doing it in 90 day segments. I found that it pushes me to do
00:26:42.380
something that's challenging because I think I can do anything for a week, for example, but can you do
00:26:47.940
it for 12 weeks? So it pushes me into my discomfort zone a little bit more, but it also gives me enough
00:26:55.260
time to move the needle to where I can actually see and experience the results. So if we go back to
00:27:01.400
the gym, for example, if I say, I know this is a silly example, but you'll get the point.
00:27:06.100
If I say, well, you know, I'm going to, um, I'm going to go to the gym and I'm going to lose weight
00:27:11.640
this week. Okay. Like you can do that. Sure. And you might lose two pounds, three pounds, five pounds.
00:27:18.920
If you really hit it hard, you might, but anybody can do that. And I'm not saying it's insignificant.
00:27:25.860
So please don't take it that way. But what if instead of saying, I'm going to work hard this week at the gym,
00:27:30.940
you said, I'm going to work hard at the gym this quarter. I'm going to not do it for a week. I'm
00:27:37.740
going to do it for 12 weeks for 90 days. I'm going to get after it. It's more, it's, it's more
00:27:44.180
significant. Not that the other wasn't, but this is more significant and losing two pounds is
00:27:50.220
insignificant relative to 20 or 25 or 30 pounds that you might lose over a quarter. And it also
00:27:57.440
keeps you focused on something for longer. Same thing with debt. I want to make a $200 payment
00:28:03.280
towards my debt this month. Okay. That's good. Like again, nothing wrong with it. But what if
00:28:09.680
instead of saying that you said, I'm going to pay off $2,000 worth of debt this quarter. And then you
00:28:16.440
got to work on figuring out exactly where that $2,000 for the quarter is going to come from, which debts
00:28:22.520
you're going to pay off and which order and what the priority is communicating with your wife and
00:28:27.240
other people, your friends, and in a level of accountability for that. It's more significant
00:28:33.240
than doing something for a day or a week. I do all of my stuff for 90 day segments and that has seemed
00:28:39.500
to help. So when you're thinking about goal setting this, this year or the end of this year, beginning
00:28:44.440
of next year, think about 90 day segments. And if you want help on that, again, a great resource is
00:28:49.940
the Iron Council. Like I said, we're opening up on Sunday. So a couple of days from now, we're opening
00:28:55.740
up. And not only are you going to build the friendships and the brotherhood and the accountability, but
00:29:00.660
you're also going to have access to our battle planning system. That's our 12 week system that we use
00:29:05.040
that I just shared with you to some degree. And that has helped me create businesses and relationships
00:29:12.360
and financial acumen and building my health and getting strong and fit. And I look back over the
00:29:20.400
past decade. And I think for the times that I was really not doing well in my life were the times when
00:29:28.460
I wasn't following the system. And it's not that the system doesn't work. It's that we don't always
00:29:33.460
work the system, even though we know what we should be doing. So if that's of interest to you, check it
00:29:38.640
out order of man.com slash iron council. But ultimately guys, I want all of us to put down the
00:29:44.280
disguise that we wear when appropriate. You know, sometimes you have to put on that armor.
00:29:50.820
Sometimes you have to put on a facade. You have to put a little bit of a performance in a show on
00:29:55.820
sometimes you need to do that. As a man, your ability to do that oftentimes will determine the
00:30:01.240
success or failure of a relationship or a project or an assignment. But like any warrior,
00:30:07.940
sometimes you have to take the armor off and set it down and rest and recover and train and not be
00:30:16.340
so hardened against everything that is coming your way. I think our ability to balance that as men
00:30:23.140
is probably a greater indicator of our own health than always being this immovable object and figure
00:30:31.200
or conversely, always being a mental midget and falling apart when any little thing happens to us.
00:30:37.420
It's finding the balance, putting the disguise down, letting people know what's really going on when
00:30:44.040
appropriate, and then applying these six principles. Again, guys, my big ask, I guess I'd say for you,
00:30:49.320
but also hopefully it's a resource for you is the iron council. I'd highly suggest you check it out.
00:30:53.800
We're going to have a lot of people join. This is always the biggest time of year, but we've put
00:30:58.380
systems in place so that we're not throwing you to the wolves and saying, here's a system.
00:31:02.420
I actually just invested in a new, it's like a health program because I was curious about what
00:31:07.680
it was. And I signed up for it, paid the money for it. It wasn't a huge investment, but I was curious
00:31:12.920
and got in there. And there was, I was just bombarded and inundated with information. I'm
00:31:19.620
like, what is this? And there was, it wasn't real organized. And I felt like I just kind of got thrown
00:31:24.960
into the mix and figure it out. And I can, and you can too, if you're motivated enough,
00:31:30.580
but instead we've created a system for onboarding so that when you join, you'll know exactly what to
00:31:36.540
do. You'll be partnered up with other guys. You'll work with other guys. You'll have an opportunity for
00:31:41.440
phone calls and, and, uh, video sessions and chats with us. So we've created a pretty cool system so that
00:31:47.480
there's a, there's a framework for moving along the path and hopefully having you accomplish what you
00:31:52.600
want to accomplish in 2025. So again, check that out. Orderofman.com slash iron council. All right,
00:31:58.200
guys, there you go. We'll be back next week until then go out there, take action, put down,
00:32:04.080
stop being the master of disguise and become a man you are meant to be.
00:32:11.400
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
00:32:16.040
and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.