Order of Man

00:00:00.000 The people behind you are going to pull you down.

00:00:02.860 The people in front of you are going to pull you up.

00:00:05.980 So if you want to serve other people, you can't be behind them or even as a peer.

00:00:10.800 You have to be in some sort of elevated position.

00:00:13.360 Even if it's not expressed, there's some implied element of that person following you as a leader.

00:00:20.480 Detach yourself from the outcome.

00:00:22.500 Attach yourself to the effort and do everything that you can to get this guy out of his current environment.

00:00:29.160 You're a man of action.

00:00:30.820 You live life to the fullest.

00:00:32.260 Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:35.200 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time.

00:00:38.600 Every time.

00:00:39.660 You are not easily deterred or defeated.

00:00:41.960 Rugged.

00:00:42.740 Resilient.

00:00:43.760 Strong.

00:00:44.700 This is your life.

00:00:45.800 This is who you are.

00:00:47.200 This is who you will become.

00:00:48.940 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:56.240 Kip, what's up, brother?

00:00:57.220 So great to see you.

00:00:58.080 Last week we had our uprising.

00:01:01.420 I know we talked probably a little bit about that last week, but man, still thinking about that a lot and how incredible an event it was.

00:01:07.840 And what it got me thinking is how important it is for men to get together, but how infrequently men actually do it.

00:01:16.760 And I'm glad that we're providing a solution, but I want to encourage men to be able to get together in their areas because this is obviously much needed.

00:01:25.940 Totally.

00:01:26.440 Totally.

00:01:27.280 How much of the impact of that event do you feel is a result of men showing up intentional as well?

00:01:35.920 Oh, 100% of it.

00:01:39.160 Because most of the time when men get together, the only thing they're intentional about is their NBA or MLB or NFL draft team or what kind of beer they're going to consume and what kind of chips they should buy for the chip dip and all this kind of stuff.

00:01:55.380 And so if you're intentional about that, then you'll get really good at doing that.

00:01:59.660 If you're intentional about other things, then you'll get good at doing other more relevant things.

00:02:04.800 But obviously life just has a way of just slowly coming to a stop if you're not vigilant about it.

00:02:15.560 And I think we talked about this on a podcast a couple of weeks ago.

00:02:18.420 It's not even a drift because it's more than that.

00:02:22.060 There's forces that are actively working against guys.

00:02:24.440 So, yeah, we're being inundated.

00:02:26.980 We're being bombarded.

00:02:28.000 We're being dumbed down by media and entertainment and even knowledge and information.

00:02:32.920 And then I heard an interesting commentary from Matt Walsh the other day talking about how more and more states are attempting to legalize marijuana.

00:02:41.100 We can debate about the efficacy of that or the morality of that or whether it should or should not.

00:02:47.240 But he brought up an interesting point.

00:02:49.500 He says, why does the government all of a sudden want millions and millions of people to be consuming more and more marijuana?

00:02:57.620 When we know it makes you lethargic, it makes you tired, it makes you unmotivated, it makes you undisciplined by its very nature.

00:03:05.560 So why all of a sudden does the government have such a vested interest in dumbing us down and getting us drunk and high and sedated against what I think their motives and intentions are?

00:03:16.380 It's interesting.

00:03:17.360 Yeah, very interesting.

00:03:19.500 So today we're going to field questions from the Foundry.

00:03:22.700 We have a couple of questions from the Foundry and Instagram.

00:03:25.820 But before we get to those, you're going to kick us off with your headline.

00:03:30.140 Yeah.

00:03:30.540 So we never discuss our headlines ahead of time.

00:03:33.980 So I'm not sure if I stole yours or not or you stole mine.

00:03:36.320 But here goes.

00:03:37.220 So this one comes from PBS and it's all over the place and many people have probably heard it.

00:03:42.240 But this is titled Why Boy Scouts of America is Changing Its Name.

00:03:46.500 So last week, this article came out May 10th.

00:03:50.480 Boy Scouts of America decided to change its name to Scouting America.

00:03:56.220 Now, what's interesting is five or six years ago, I don't know if you remember this, Kip, maybe even longer, maybe seven years.

00:04:03.200 I was pretty vocal about what Boy Scouts was doing.

00:04:07.420 And do you know how much flack I got?

00:04:09.220 I got so much flack, mostly from past Eagle Scouts who said, well, that's why we need good people to be involved.

00:04:17.140 And I said, if the tree is rotten, the fruit is rotten.

00:04:22.280 You can't have enough good people in the Boy Scouts program to change the trajectory of this sinking ship to mixed metaphors.

00:04:31.420 So I'm just going to read this quote here.

00:04:37.260 This comes from Amna Nawaz.

00:04:40.920 And I'm not exactly sure who that is right now.

00:04:44.720 I'm not.

00:04:46.000 Yeah, I don't know if she's associated with Scouts or not.

00:04:48.360 But here's what she says.

00:04:49.940 Or he, Amna.

00:04:51.280 I'm not sure if that's a boy or a girl.

00:04:52.800 So in a move towards rebranding and embracing inclusivity, the Boy Scouts of America announced this week that it's changing its name to Scouting America.

00:05:01.800 And as Ali Rogan tells us, the organization, which already includes thousands of girls in its program, is aiming to attract a more diverse membership.

00:05:12.120 There's another quote I want to read here.

00:05:13.420 The change comes as the organization continues to emerge from bankruptcy, which is something I called and everybody mocked it seven years ago.

00:05:21.780 And this was interesting to me, paying out more than $2 billion to men who say they were sexually abused as Scouts.

00:05:32.980 $2 billion.

00:05:34.600 $2 billion.

00:05:36.180 Men that were sexually abused when they were younger as Scouts.

00:05:39.980 Correct.

00:05:41.700 Now, that's a whole other issue and it needs to be addressed.

00:05:45.520 And we'll touch on that.

00:05:46.860 I'm going to be as succinct as possible.

00:05:48.260 I listened to the CEO or whatever his title or position president, I don't know what his title is, of Boy Scouts kind of explain this change a little bit.

00:05:59.220 And he said his job as the head of the Boy Scouts of America is to ensure that it's continuance and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 1.00

00:06:07.920 And he's an idiot. 1.00

00:06:11.680 And I'll tell you why. 1.00

00:06:12.660 You cannot change the trajectory of any movement, any organization, any company, anything, by sacrificing the organization's values.

00:06:28.240 You just can't.

00:06:30.260 I get it.

00:06:31.100 Toy.

00:06:31.260 When the company is flailing and kicking and screaming and dying and wallowing and all this stuff, I get it.

00:06:37.200 So his job is to retain new members.

00:06:40.000 But you know what?

00:06:40.520 It waters everything down.

00:06:41.800 Imagine for a second we had dwindling listenership on the Order of Man podcast.

00:06:47.700 And instead of figuring out what I needed to do to be a better marketer, to bring different people on, to get exposure in new and interesting ways to other people who haven't heard us before, I decided, well, now we're going to speak to men and women.

00:07:04.340 Yeah.

00:07:04.740 Okay, here's the problem.

00:07:08.520 I might get a few more women listeners, but probably not because they've already got their outlets and their resources and everything. 1.00

00:07:14.780 And then I would lose 10 times the amount of men who are no longer interested in this because we no longer speak to men.

00:07:22.300 So it's like tripping over a dollar to pick up a dime.

00:07:25.460 It just doesn't make any sense.

00:07:28.480 Instead of, and this is a longer term strategy, I get it, but he's going to run this thing into the ground.

00:07:33.380 He already has.

00:07:34.800 Instead of acquiescing to all of this and assuming that the best way to prop up numbers is to sacrifice your values, to let women in, to let homosexuals and transgender and all this other stuff in. 0.50

00:07:48.560 And well, I'm not even debating on whether or not you agree with it or not.

00:07:51.440 That's the chartered principles of the organization.

00:07:54.940 Instead of doing that, you would be better off going harder on your principles, being more exclusive, not inclusive.

00:08:10.060 And there's one other thing I want to make a point here is boys need a space to be with boys.

00:08:17.580 And I know, I know girls and women who say, when we talk about these things, well, scouting is for everybody.

00:08:26.100 It is now.

00:08:27.020 It wasn't when it started.

00:08:28.440 Well, it should be who, who says, who says.

00:08:32.180 An organization or a person is allowed to include or should be allowed to include or exclude whoever they want.

00:08:40.440 And I think there needs to be an environment where boys can learn from other boys and boys can learn from men free of the influence of women.

00:08:50.560 Now, some people who want to be offended will hear that and think I'm being sexist.

00:08:55.200 I'm being a misogynist.

00:08:56.420 No, I'm not.

00:08:57.700 Women, we love you. 1.00

00:08:59.700 Do your thing.

00:09:00.460 And by the way, I'm not saying I want you necessarily barefoot, pregnant and cooking brownies for all the teams. 0.95

00:09:07.040 Like, whatever you feel like you need to do, go do your thing.

00:09:09.740 But it's not on some other organization's shoulders to make a program for you or to help you feel included in the process.

00:09:18.900 You know what just happened?

00:09:21.020 Not only did you not make scouts available for girls because it's not meant for girls, you just ruined it for all the boys.

00:09:28.040 You ruined it for millions and millions of boys who could have been in an environment exclusively with other boys and righteous men leading, teaching, educating, inspiring.

00:09:39.240 And now it's there for nobody.

00:09:43.120 So thank you very much for being inclusive.

00:09:46.380 And now Boy Scouts is done.

00:09:47.900 They're down to a million members is what I read.

00:09:51.940 A million.

00:09:52.700 That's nothing considering how long this organization has been around.

00:09:57.740 So I'm very upset about this.

00:09:59.700 There's also, of the million, one million members, 176,000 of them are girls.

00:10:06.100 So roughly 17, 18% of those 1 million are already girls.

00:10:10.060 It's going away for everybody.

00:10:11.600 It's unfortunate.

00:10:12.580 And this is the reality when we try to be as inclusive as possible, we step away from our values and virtues, and then we try to make everybody feel good.

00:10:20.980 Everybody loses.

00:10:22.700 Yep.

00:10:22.880 Well, and it's unfortunate because we have a problem on our hands where these boys, you know, are, if we look at single parent homes, fatherless homes, you know, you had organizations like the Boy Scouts that was kind of stepping in to some extent, right?

00:10:41.280 Creating a framework for these boys to be around, you know, godly men that might be great examples and lead and show them what it looks like to be a man.

00:10:52.240 And now that's gone.

00:10:53.860 And it's like, what, what a major unfortunate scenario for society, for America as a whole, not just the business aspect of it.

00:11:03.520 It's just really, really unfortunate.

00:11:06.800 Agreed.

00:11:07.640 Sad.

00:11:07.980 So I'm not going to say I'm a fortune teller or, or a prophet, but I'm also not going to say that either.

00:11:17.980 Legacy.

00:11:20.320 All right.

00:11:20.900 Legacy events, right?

00:11:22.280 This is why I love those events.

00:11:24.100 That's why those events are super impactful.

00:11:27.180 Hopefully those are in the future of, of order of man.

00:11:31.840 Yeah.

00:11:32.900 No pressure.

00:11:33.520 What's your headline?

00:11:34.560 Okay.

00:11:35.280 Here's my headline.

00:11:36.200 It's not actually a headline.

00:11:37.200 I'm, I'm doing another funny headline, but I wanted to share this cause I think it is so awesome.

00:11:43.880 So we've, you guys know, uh, we had the uprising event during that event.

00:11:50.420 Anthony Miller, his wife and, and had a, had a team and they came on site and they did some training.

00:11:56.940 Uh, they had some com combat medics.

00:12:00.100 We're doing rapid assessments, C, uh, CPR, uh, compressions, tourniquets, number of things, super cool stuff.

00:12:07.440 They did a great job.

00:12:09.380 And, uh, I think it was the next day.

00:12:11.940 Was it the next day or is it two days later?

00:12:13.900 I think it was two days later.

00:12:15.140 Okay.

00:12:15.880 So two days later, one of the gentlemen in attendance of the event, Greg posts on the Facebook group, how just a couple of days later, he went to Zion's up on angels landing.

00:12:30.780 Someone yells out CPR, need help.

00:12:34.500 Dude jumps into action, provides compression or, uh, yeah.

00:12:40.880 For like over an hour, he said, right over an hour.

00:12:44.600 Yeah.

00:12:45.180 He was performing CPR until, uh, paramedics showed up and they life flighted the guy via helicopter.

00:12:52.500 Um, he does say the guy actually ended up dying, but in super sad.

00:12:59.160 And I don't want to make light of that, but I just thought it was so awesome.

00:13:04.000 I don't think you're making light of it.

00:13:06.240 Well, I don't like the guy that he died.

00:13:08.660 I wish he would have lived.

00:13:09.760 Right.

00:13:10.060 But I just think it's so awesome that Greg got this training two days later in action on angels landing.

00:13:17.480 It was so, I don't know.

00:13:19.320 It was just so awesome.

00:13:20.260 And Anthony's wife, she said this when they did the training, she says one in three of you will need to perform these life-saving procedures in your lifetime.

00:13:30.960 And I was like, one in three, are you joking?

00:13:33.240 That's a lot.

00:13:33.960 Yeah.

00:13:34.420 I know.

00:13:35.260 Yeah.

00:13:35.540 It totally like, I don't know, puts it, puts it in reality.

00:13:38.580 And I just think it's awesome that that training happened and that Greg had a chance to use it like literally two days later.

00:13:45.760 It's, it's poetic in a way.

00:13:47.940 Yes.

00:13:48.280 It's unfortunate this gentleman lost his life, but he was going to lose his life anyways.

00:13:53.440 So, I mean, and I'm not trying, I'm not trying to dismiss or, or make light of, like you said, and he, he was going to die anyways.

00:14:00.460 At least Greg and, and there was other people too that jumped in.

00:14:04.380 I think they were doing rotations if I understand correctly, because I called Greg up and they were doing rotations.

00:14:09.260 And at least they were there to give the man a fighting chance.

00:14:14.000 I mean, how incredible if Kip, if you don't think, and I know you believe this, but if anybody's listening and they don't think that the work that we're doing here is literally life-changing, life-saving work.

00:14:26.300 Like, I don't know what to tell you.

00:14:28.560 Now that's a great physical example, but there's how many thousands of men have, have taken the gun literally out of their mouth because they listened to something that we shared or one of our guests shared, or they came to one of our programs.

00:14:42.820 John, while we were there at Uprising, talked about a week before the first, the very first Uprising we ever did, he came to, a week before he had a gun in his mouth.

00:14:52.440 He said the first Uprising, I remember this, saved his life.

00:14:56.080 The second Uprising changed it.

00:14:59.060 And now he's got a beautiful family.

00:15:01.820 They spent a little time with us here after.

00:15:04.320 He's got a, a, a multi, a seven figure business.

00:15:08.560 I mean, the guy is killing it right now.

00:15:10.840 And I'm not going to take all the credit for that, but man, we can't help but acknowledge that there's some tools and resources here that if implemented and used correctly, can drastically change your life, if not save it.

00:15:23.820 Totally.

00:15:24.260 And, and the men of the iron council know this because we're, we're in the trenches with our teams, uh, and having the difficult conversations and supporting each other.

00:15:34.140 And, um, and, um, and, well, you know, sometimes it's easy to, taking what you just said, it's easy to understand why I'm, why I'm around, you know, being part of the iron council and, and supporting you is like, dude, I mean, it's, it's my feel good.

00:15:54.040 You know, it's like, man, like it's not very many chances that you have in life to create that big of an impact, um, and to support other men that are like-minded and, and, uh, you know, the framework that you put in place certainly has done that.

00:16:10.140 So.

00:16:10.160 Well, Kip, I do love to make you feel good.

00:16:12.820 So if that's, if that's done, then mission accomplished.

00:16:15.960 Hey, also PSA though, and you're from Utah.

00:16:19.800 I have to say this cause I've heard you say it multiple times and I just can't, I can't hear without saying it at this point.

00:16:26.680 It's not called Zion's.

00:16:28.820 Okay.

00:16:29.140 Don't call it that.

00:16:31.160 It's Zion. 0.65

00:16:32.340 It's not plural.

00:16:33.820 It's just Zion. 0.85

00:16:35.200 So to you, Kip and every other foreigner and every other person that comes to Zion national park, it's not Zion. 0.92

00:16:44.180 I have this wrong.

00:16:45.440 I know it's not Zion and it's not Zion's it's Zion. 0.87

00:16:49.440 Just say it like that.

00:16:50.840 You won't sound as weird.

00:16:52.160 Okay.

00:16:52.400 There we go.

00:16:52.840 Okay.

00:16:53.180 All right, man.

00:16:53.700 Let's get to some questions today.

00:16:55.400 Okay.

00:16:55.800 So we got two questions from the foundry and then we'll jump over to, to the gram.

00:17:00.580 Rick, uh, Blaylock.

00:17:02.560 I've heard you mentioned in the past that you've had some lessons learned related to publishing between your first book sovereignty and your second, the masculinity manifesto.

00:17:12.000 Can you share tips on publishing your book as well as your thoughts on self-publishing?

00:17:17.800 Yeah.

00:17:18.400 So, yeah.

00:17:19.320 So, uh, sovereignty was a quasi self-published.

00:17:23.700 It wasn't 100% self-published.

00:17:25.600 I had a company come in after I had written it, after I had done a lot of the branding.

00:17:29.520 The book was about 85 to 90% there.

00:17:32.820 I had an organization come in that is not a traditional publisher, but really what they do is they help edit it.

00:17:39.400 They help clean it up.

00:17:40.280 They do the marketing, the branding, and the distribution model behind it.

00:17:43.960 And that was pretty timely for me because at the time I was about ready to release it on Amazon and I was having a hard time figuring it out.

00:17:51.500 So, the fact that they came in for distribution on Amazon, paperback, hardcover, uh, but then also the Barnes and Nobles and the mom and pop stores and the brick and mortar stores and all the other online retailers was huge for me.

00:18:05.680 Unfortunately, what ended up happening years later is they went out of business, made a couple of bad decisions business-wise.

00:18:14.200 Uh, never, I don't, I don't think was never, never shady, but made a couple of bad decisions financially, got a little overextended, didn't receive payments for work they had done and they ended up going under.

00:18:26.720 So, I called the gentleman up, I said, what, my book's no longer available, what's going on?

00:18:31.300 He says, yeah, we, we're, we're out of business.

00:18:33.980 It was devastating because I lost three quarters.

00:18:38.700 So, do you have to find a new publisher then to keep?

00:18:41.600 Well, I'll get to that.

00:18:42.800 Okay.

00:18:43.860 So, I lost three quarters of revenue.

00:18:47.600 Uh, the, the, the previous three quarters were never paid out to me. 0.97

00:18:51.060 It was, it sucked.

00:18:52.800 It didn't break the bank, but that was money that was owed to me and I never got that.

00:18:56.720 Uh, but the silver lining was that I ended up recapturing and retaining the rights to my book, which the rights, I should say the rights to distributing my book.

00:19:08.080 Cause I always had rights.

00:19:09.480 It was my property, but I didn't have the rights to distribute it.

00:19:12.880 So, when they went under, talked with a gentleman, uh, and I ended up to your point, having the option to distribute it myself.

00:19:19.720 So, I could go self-published or then I could sell the rights to another publisher if I would like to do that.

00:19:25.300 And so, I've ended up working with a distributor to help me, although I retain rights to, to the material itself and also retain rights to distribution.

00:19:34.200 They are helping me as a revenue share for distribution.

00:19:37.120 So, it actually works out pretty well.

00:19:38.940 Uh, my second book, I went the traditional publishing route.

00:19:41.540 So, I had a traditional publisher.

00:19:43.340 They built up media.

00:19:44.440 They had a media team and partners for me.

00:19:46.420 Uh, they had an editing team.

00:19:48.540 They had a media and marketing design team.

00:19:51.020 So, they had a lot of control over it.

00:19:54.580 And I liked it because I got that distribution going, uh, and, and the help and the resources that I didn't have to pay for out of pocket.

00:20:02.100 The other beautiful thing is I got an advance.

00:20:04.660 So, that's nice.

00:20:05.660 Uh, but, the problem was I didn't have a whole lot of control over it.

00:20:11.820 And I'm somebody who likes control, number one.

00:20:15.120 And somebody who does a pretty damn good job in the marketing department.

00:20:19.440 And I was kind of felt like I was handcuffed a little bit.

00:20:22.580 So, it was a trade-off.

00:20:23.680 If I were to do it again, unless it was a massive, a massive publishing company that could actually help me with the distribution that I couldn't get myself, I would probably do another, another one of my own books.

00:20:40.400 Because I would rather have the control of it.

00:20:42.980 Look, if you want to hit New York Times and some of these other lists and things like this, having a traditional publisher is probably going to be more advantageous unless you're a guy like Goggins.

00:20:52.060 I think he self-published his book, but still hit New York Times.

00:20:55.940 That's few and far between.

00:20:58.000 So, I think the biggest thing is you just, you just have to decide, do you want to have control over it?

00:21:06.840 Knowing that you're probably going to sell fewer books?

00:21:09.580 Or are you willing to let go of some of that control and autonomy in order to reach a wider audience that you would never receive or get in front of otherwise?

00:21:17.420 I already had a built-in audience, too, which is a nice thing.

00:21:22.700 It's catch-22.

00:21:24.220 You can go so many ways because a publisher is not really going to want to give you a book unless you have an audience.

00:21:29.400 Like, there's just so much to it.

00:21:31.800 But unless you know what you're doing, you're probably not going to get a book deal.

00:21:35.440 There's so many books available, so many other outlets.

00:21:38.980 And unless you're willing to play that game, self-published is a pretty good route.

00:21:41.960 And it's becoming more viable than it's ever been via Amazon and some of these other outlets.

00:21:46.920 Got it.

00:21:48.100 All right.

00:21:48.600 Ian Swar, friend of 25 years, has been struggling with alcohol for years.

00:21:56.440 He's now on probation for DUI and leaving in a house with his ex and her boy toy.

00:22:02.740 He's got no money, no community.

00:22:04.580 What?

00:22:04.760 A job that gives him – yeah.

00:22:06.760 A job that gives – I read that twice, too.

00:22:08.600 A job that gives him no hours and everything he and his ex owns belongs to her father who enables her.

00:22:16.480 He says he wants to get sober.

00:22:19.160 He says he wants to get sober and called me recently at the edge of suicide.

00:22:23.980 He has nobody else and he's been my bro since middle school.

00:22:27.660 It's been incredibly emotionally taxing for me and I've not seen any meaningful change.

00:22:32.560 How do I know when to let him go knowing likely that the outcome is suicide?

00:22:40.000 You have to let go of the outcome today, right now.

00:22:46.120 You have to.

00:22:47.100 You cannot attach yourself to the outcome because he's going to do what he's going to do.

00:22:52.000 And heaven forbid he commits suicide, that's not on you.

00:22:55.960 I want you to understand that.

00:22:57.500 If he does that, that's not on you.

00:23:00.300 That is his decision.

00:23:02.720 And as hard as it is, we have to allow people to make their decisions.

00:23:10.740 We can give them everything that we can give.

00:23:12.960 We can pour into them.

00:23:14.240 We can pour over that.

00:23:15.200 We can do everything.

00:23:17.160 But if you think you can control or take any sort of responsibility for somebody committing suicide,

00:23:23.640 you're going down a bad path.

00:23:25.900 You don't have that much control over people.

00:23:29.500 So you have to be able to give these people autonomy.

00:23:32.260 Now, that's not to say you should detach yourself from the effort to keep them out of that situation.

00:23:37.660 You should do everything that you possibly can.

00:23:39.960 With this exception or this caveat, you don't go down to his level.

00:23:47.200 I think that's where most people make mistakes.

00:23:50.620 They go down.

00:23:51.940 They step off of the mantle that they're on in order to help somebody.

00:23:56.900 And I heard this.

00:23:58.040 I don't know if it was you or somebody else.

00:23:59.600 It was really interesting.

00:24:00.760 And the way they framed it was the first time I heard it.

00:24:02.800 But if the people behind you are going to pull you down, the people in front of you are going to pull you up.

00:24:12.940 I know it sounds simple, but that was really profound for me when I heard it at our uprising event.

00:24:18.340 So if you want to serve other people, you can't be behind them or even as a peer.

00:24:23.180 You have to be in some sort of elevated position.

00:24:25.600 Even if it's not expressed, there's some implied element of that person following you as a leader.

00:24:34.480 So detach yourself from the outcome.

00:24:38.600 Attach yourself to the effort and do everything that you can to get this guy out of his current environment.

00:24:45.800 Dude, he's got an ex.

00:24:49.880 He's in the same house as the dude she's sleeping with.

00:24:53.280 If that's not enough to kill a man, I don't know what is.

00:24:59.380 Plus, he picked a horrible time, if that's the case, to stop drinking, as the saying goes.

00:25:06.340 Because now he can't sedate himself from the mental and emotional anguish that would come with that.

00:25:13.840 Get out of that environment.

00:25:15.520 What are you doing?

00:25:17.980 Get help.

00:25:19.080 Get therapy.

00:25:20.500 Go to AA meetings.

00:25:21.640 Get yourself out of that chick's house that's sleeping around with another dude. 1.00

00:25:28.620 Stop that.

00:25:30.640 There's other places.

00:25:33.160 Maybe it's with you.

00:25:34.520 I don't know.

00:25:35.200 I don't know if he's safe, if he can or cannot be around you.

00:25:38.940 I don't know.

00:25:39.920 I don't want to jump to conclusions there.

00:25:41.840 But if you really care about him, you've got to figure out a way to get him out of that environment.

00:25:46.920 Even if that means putting him up in a place, maybe paying for an Airbnb for a couple of weeks or giving him some work to do.

00:25:54.860 Like, whatever you can do to get him out of that environment, that environment right there is killing him.

00:25:59.360 I don't want Ian to, your statement on letting go of the outcome is twofold.

00:26:09.200 And obviously, the outcome of his friend, if he ends up committing suicide, that's not on you.

00:26:15.020 But you also need to let go of the outcome of whether he's going to change or not either.

00:26:22.300 Otherwise, he's not going to meet your expectations.

00:26:25.400 So you do you.

00:26:27.100 What's the right thing to do as his friend?

00:26:29.880 And you do that and get over commit to the actions necessary.

00:26:34.280 See if you can help him.

00:26:35.960 But but don't get too tied up in like, oh, I haven't seen because we get this all the time.

00:26:40.420 And like almost every single week, we get the question.

00:26:42.720 I'm trying to change someone and they're not changing.

00:26:45.040 It's like, guys, you don't change people.

00:26:48.640 They have to make this choice on their own.

00:26:50.800 Now, do we give them a fair shake?

00:26:52.820 And do we provide an environment for an opportunities for them to choose the right thing and support them?

00:26:58.600 Absolutely.

00:26:59.880 But don't get too tied up on the outcome because that's not up to you.

00:27:04.520 It's up to him.

00:27:06.040 So you just show up powerfully as a friend, at least.

00:27:10.320 Here's a visual on that.

00:27:12.000 I think that might be helpful, Kip.

00:27:14.500 Let's say that you are each of you or you're 100 yards apart from the other person and you're trying to draw closer to that person, whether it's a romantic relationship or a platonic relationship or a friend that's really struggling and you're trying to draw the relationship closer.

00:27:29.160 If you're 100 yards apart, you, as the person trying to establish that relationship, has to take the first step.

00:27:36.720 So you take one step.

00:27:39.540 You do not take another step until that other person takes a step.

00:27:44.040 When that person takes a step, you take another.

00:27:48.900 They take one, you take one.

00:27:50.480 They take one, you take one.

00:27:51.900 If at any point they don't take their step, you stop.

00:27:55.240 You don't need to go backwards.

00:27:57.780 You don't need to retreat.

00:27:58.900 You just leave it open.

00:28:01.180 I'm right here.

00:28:02.060 When you're ready to take the step, I'm right here.

00:28:04.860 So what does this look like in practicality?

00:28:08.180 Maybe you have some work for this guy.

00:28:10.860 So you say, hey, role play with you, Kip.

00:28:13.440 Hey, Kip, man, I know things are tight right now.

00:28:15.580 You're a little down and out.

00:28:16.480 Like you lost your job.

00:28:17.720 Yeah, dude. 1.00

00:28:18.060 You're in a shitty living environment. 0.99

00:28:19.000 Yeah, I'm hanging out with my ex and she's sleeping with this other dude, man. 1.00

00:28:24.100 It's horrible.

00:28:25.540 Yeah, I want to help you get out of that situation.

00:28:29.540 Now, listen to the verbiage.

00:28:31.620 I didn't say I want to get you out of the situation.

00:28:35.020 I said I want to help you get yourself out of that situation.

00:28:40.460 It's not my responsibility, but I want to help you yourself get out of that situation.

00:28:45.000 I've got some stuff that I need done around the yard.

00:28:49.540 And it'll probably take a Saturday afternoon.

00:28:52.160 Man, I could pay you $100 if he could come over and help me lift some logs,

00:28:55.620 chop some wood, mow the grass, and pull some weeds.

00:28:58.660 Man, I don't know if that would help, but that $100 could help.

00:29:02.700 You know, maybe we could do that for two or three weeks.

00:29:04.340 You got $300, $400.

00:29:05.420 That might help you get back on your feet.

00:29:08.480 Maybe find a vehicle, put a deposit down on a rental, like whatever we can do.

00:29:12.700 Or buy some clothes and go do an interview.

00:29:15.180 What do you think?

00:29:16.340 If you say no, that's your step.

00:29:19.520 Okay.

00:29:20.060 Hey, Kip.

00:29:20.840 Like, that's cool.

00:29:21.660 No problem.

00:29:22.200 I just want to extend the invite.

00:29:23.360 If that changes in a week or two or whatever, let me know.

00:29:26.940 If you say yes, like, cool.

00:29:29.260 Come on over.

00:29:30.440 You do the work.

00:29:31.200 I pay you.

00:29:32.060 The next step for me is, hey, Kip.

00:29:34.200 I was thinking about, man, you busted this stuff out.

00:29:36.020 You're a hard worker.

00:29:36.960 I actually have a buddy.

00:29:37.880 He owns a landscape company, and he was telling me he needs some help for the summer.

00:29:44.220 If you can commit to me, because this is my referral, so this is a friend of mine, so don't fuck it up.

00:29:52.620 But if you can commit to me that you're going to show up and work hard and do good work, I would be happy to make that introduction for you.

00:30:01.600 And if the friend says, no, dude, I don't like landscaping.

00:30:05.320 I don't want to do it.

00:30:06.640 No problem.

00:30:07.900 It's open.

00:30:08.640 If you ever want that introduction, let me know.

00:30:10.600 If he's like, yeah, I would love that.

00:30:11.960 Say, good.

00:30:13.160 Remember what I said.

00:30:14.440 Don't screw this up.

00:30:17.420 And then you make the introduction.

00:30:18.720 This is how it works.

00:30:19.640 One step, one step, one step, one step.

00:30:21.460 That seems to me the best visual on how to help a friend.

00:30:24.420 I love it.

00:30:25.280 Help themselves.

00:30:26.080 And it vets their willingness to step into action.

00:30:31.860 Right.

00:30:32.380 And if they're not willing to do the baseline items, then you're going to be trying to help someone that doesn't want help.

00:30:38.380 Right.

00:30:38.780 In essence.

00:30:39.520 Exactly.

00:30:40.320 Yep.

00:30:40.680 Exactly.

00:30:42.040 Yeah.

00:30:42.360 Tough.

00:30:42.920 All right.

00:30:42.940 What's next? 0.99

00:30:43.980 Yeah, it sucks. 0.98

00:30:44.340 All right. 0.99

00:30:45.980 The Dollar Sportsman from Instagram.

00:30:48.960 You can follow Mr. Mickler on Instagram, at Ryan Mickler.

00:30:51.340 His question, how are you doing in the inside?

00:30:54.720 As in, I hope you're doing well.

00:30:56.260 If you need anything, let us know.

00:30:57.680 So just a generic question.

00:30:59.020 How are you doing on the inside?

00:30:59.960 But like right now or two days ago or like in general, it changes.

00:31:05.780 That's the point I'm making.

00:31:06.940 It changes.

00:31:08.400 No, it's good, man.

00:31:09.280 I've identified over the past several weeks some insecurities that kind of bubbled to the surface in a very strange and weird way.

00:31:16.720 So it was enlightening, not pleasurable or exciting, but enlightening.

00:31:20.560 And so I ended up – I've got a friend of mine, and he's a therapist, and he trains at the gym about the same time I do.

00:31:31.280 And we've had lunch together.

00:31:32.600 We know each other even from before I moved back to Utah, and he's a therapist.

00:31:37.180 We've talked a little bit about it.

00:31:39.180 I've never done anything about it, but I've always thought to myself, man, I should really go talk with this guy.

00:31:42.580 I should work through some of this stuff.

00:31:45.960 And I never did.

00:31:46.900 I never did.

00:31:47.360 I never did.

00:31:47.780 I dragged my feet.

00:31:48.500 I was doing some stuff on BetterHelp, which is an online like therapy thing.

00:31:54.000 And I was going through the motions, frankly.

00:31:55.880 Like I really wasn't doing it, but I was doing it, and I could check it off the box.

00:32:00.460 But I really wasn't opening myself up.

00:32:02.300 I really wasn't thinking about or being intentional about the conversations I wanted to have or the issues or the insecurities I wanted to address.

00:32:09.320 So finally through these couple of experiences I had over the past couple of weeks, I decided, okay, well, I'm going to finally reach out to this guy, and I did.

00:32:17.560 We had a good conversation last week, and he gave me some assignments, and I appreciate that.

00:32:22.920 I don't want to just sit there and spill my guts and not have any actionable steps moving forward.

00:32:27.520 But he gave me some assignments, which I had completed, which were way harder than they should have been or that I thought they would be.

00:32:33.900 Way harder.

00:32:35.040 Not physically, mentally, emotionally harder.

00:32:37.840 Very challenging.

00:32:39.880 And then I go back tomorrow.

00:32:41.820 So I'm going to meet with him on a weekly basis.

00:32:44.440 But the difference is – I don't have my phone.

00:32:46.600 It's over there.

00:32:46.980 The difference is that as I think about things that come up for me throughout the week that either get my blood boiling or that I find myself emotionally reactive to,

00:32:57.520 versus responding with logic and intelligence and rational, clear-headed thinking, I write that down in a folder on my notepad on the phone.

00:33:06.780 And then I'm going to bring that in.

00:33:08.140 Say it one more time.

00:33:08.880 So whenever you find yourself acting out emotionally and not logically, you jot it down.

00:33:15.960 Correct.

00:33:16.700 Did I misspeak?

00:33:18.140 No, I just didn't – I wasn't following.

00:33:21.280 Yeah, I notice.

00:33:22.520 I know when somebody says something or does something or I have an experience where I feel my blood boiling a little bit or I freak out or insecurities come to the surface,

00:33:32.640 that for me is a little trigger, a little indicator.

00:33:35.260 Okay, just write that down.

00:33:36.560 Like don't react to that right now.

00:33:37.880 Just write it down.

00:33:38.820 You can talk with him about this and you guys can work that out.

00:33:43.360 He can help you see where that comes from and give you an assignment or some work that you can do outside of our conversations that will help you move forward.

00:33:52.580 Love it.

00:33:53.520 I've kind of been torn on the therapy stuff because I've done it, but – and I've even said there shouldn't be a stigma around mental health for men, but there is.

00:34:04.700 And I even have that stigma for myself.

00:34:08.140 Like I shouldn't need that.

00:34:09.920 I shouldn't – it seems silly.

00:34:11.280 I have to go talk with somebody about this stuff. 0.84

00:34:13.520 That seems silly to me.

00:34:15.360 But I am forcing myself to do it, and I can't really give you guys any insight.

00:34:20.320 I only went once last week.

00:34:21.600 I can't give you any profound wisdom.

00:34:23.620 But I know what I did was challenging and hard, and it raised some interesting thoughts that I hadn't considered before.

00:34:29.160 So we'll see how that goes.

00:34:30.800 Because I – what I love about you sharing this, you're in it, and I don't –

00:34:37.880 Right.

00:34:38.740 But the point is, is we're all growing and evolving, and so this should never be different.

00:34:47.360 Meaning –

00:34:47.960 No.

00:34:48.440 You may tackle this.

00:34:49.820 Let's say you address some triggers or whatever, but in five years, you should be doing the same thing again

00:34:55.120 and going, hmm, interesting, why I wonder why I react in this particular manner, where's that coming from?

00:35:01.400 And that is called growth, period.

00:35:04.660 Right.

00:35:05.420 That's the path of growth is understanding oneself and how we're showing up and why we do what we do

00:35:11.700 and understanding human behavior.

00:35:13.360 It's awesome, and it should never end.

00:35:16.300 And that's what I like about it.

00:35:18.000 It's not like something's broken as per se.

00:35:20.700 It's just – that's part of being in it or on the path or whatever you want to call it, and it's a beautiful thing.

00:35:27.560 There's a great quote that says,

00:35:30.860 You can judge a size of the man by the size of the things that bother him.

00:35:37.180 And that quote has always stood out with me because what bothers me today

00:35:41.840 shouldn't be the same things that bother me in a year.

00:35:45.600 I'm going to still be bothered, no doubt.

00:35:48.260 Totally.

00:35:48.480 But it should be different things.

00:35:50.600 It should be evolved things.

00:35:51.820 It should be more challenging, more perplexing, complicated things than what bothers me today,

00:35:56.840 and that's what you're talking about.

00:35:59.360 When you have growth, your problems don't just go away.

00:36:03.700 It's just that you begin to focus on new, more interesting, challenging, unique problems

00:36:08.800 that actually might bring you some joy and fulfillment.

00:36:11.300 So, for example, financially, there was a time in my life where I was worried about making the mortgage payment.

00:36:17.640 That box has been checked.

00:36:19.440 And I'm not saying that arrogantly because I know that something could happen that would default me back to that.

00:36:24.740 But as of right now, that box is checked.

00:36:27.520 I'm not worrying about how to make the mortgage payment.

00:36:31.220 Now, right now, I'm worried specifically about how do I pay six figures in taxes?

00:36:37.840 That's a problem.

00:36:38.700 That sucks, but I like that problem better than not knowing how to pay the mortgage.

00:36:45.480 This is just an evolutionary process, and you'll always have problems. 0.87

00:36:49.920 It's just making your problems more significant.

00:36:52.800 Not blowing little problems up, but having real problems that are more interesting and challenging

00:36:58.460 than the ones you dealt with five years ago.

00:37:00.600 Yeah, yeah.

00:37:02.260 Someone said this to me once, and this is a little fun.

00:37:06.240 Everyone has problems.

00:37:08.420 What's powerful is when you choose them.

00:37:12.980 That's cool.

00:37:14.400 So choose your problems.

00:37:17.060 And there's ownership in choosing it.

00:37:22.020 When it happens to us, then we're being acted upon.

00:37:25.800 And so there's just power in that.

00:37:27.240 So that's your problem you're choosing right now.

00:37:29.760 And then choose another problem and another problem, right?

00:37:33.080 And now we're taking action.

00:37:35.660 We're being assertive.

00:37:37.700 You know, in practicality, Kip, it's important to address that.

00:37:40.620 I really like that.

00:37:41.340 Can you say that quote one more time?

00:37:42.520 And I have a thought on that.

00:37:44.080 Yeah.

00:37:44.440 Well, I think I slaughtered it, and I said it different than I normally said it, and that

00:37:47.560 sounded better.

00:37:49.940 See, I don't even know if I can re-say it again.

00:37:53.220 Well, I'll just say the spirit of it.

00:37:55.440 The spirit of it is that everyone has problems.

00:37:59.280 What's powerful is when you choose them.

00:38:01.760 Yeah, that's right.

00:38:02.580 Okay.

00:38:03.360 Yeah.

00:38:03.980 Well, here's the thing that we need to understand.

00:38:06.760 In order, you said just choose your problems.

00:38:09.120 Sometimes you can't, based on where you are right now.

00:38:12.000 And I want to acknowledge that.

00:38:14.540 Because before, I might have said, well, just choose a better problem. 0.99

00:38:18.020 It's like, well, shit, I'd love to, but I got to pay the mortgage today. 0.99

00:38:20.680 Like, I don't get to choose whether or not I pay the mortgage. 0.99

00:38:23.780 So what I would say in that case, I know you're chomping at the bit.

00:38:26.940 I'll let you go.

00:38:28.180 Just wait one sec.

00:38:32.040 So here's what you need to do.

00:38:34.480 Do the things in your life where those current problems are no longer a problem.

00:38:39.720 So if it's mortgages, for example, then you need to be more prudent with your money.

00:38:44.000 You need to make more money, spend less.

00:38:45.760 If you're dealing with medical complications, I realize that your diabetes isn't just going

00:38:51.700 to go away today.

00:38:53.080 But over the next two months, three months, six months, 12 months, two, five, 10 years,

00:38:58.560 you can start eating right and exercising where maybe it doesn't fully go away.

00:39:03.180 It actually will in some cases, but maybe it doesn't fully go away.

00:39:05.960 But maybe you've got that so locked in that that's no longer an issue.

00:39:10.760 That's an afterthought, which gives you the space and the margin to then say, hey, I'm

00:39:16.600 not worried about my diabetes.

00:39:18.500 I'm not worried about making the mortgage payment.

00:39:20.880 So what should I concern myself with today?

00:39:24.760 And what is meaningful and significant at this point in my life?

00:39:27.940 Go ahead.

00:39:29.040 Totally.

00:39:29.620 All that I was going to say is most people don't deal with their problems though.

00:39:34.280 They sit with it and they'll go, oh, I got diabetes.

00:39:38.560 It's this problem I have to deal with.

00:39:41.860 But they're not choosing that as their problem.

00:39:46.860 They're like, oh, I'm a victim of it, right?

00:39:50.780 Versus if I'm like, my problem today is tackling diabetes.

00:39:55.220 That's my problem I'm taking on.

00:39:57.080 That just, what does that look like?

00:39:58.940 Well, I'm going to change my diet.

00:39:59.900 Like I'm addressing it.

00:40:01.260 Most people that are in debt, what do they do?

00:40:03.000 You talk about this all the time.

00:40:04.920 They don't check their bank account.

00:40:06.920 They avoid the call.

00:40:08.640 They avoid looking at their credit card balances.

00:40:11.920 Why?

00:40:12.780 Because they're not choosing that as their problem.

00:40:15.720 It's chose them.

00:40:17.800 And they're just in it.

00:40:19.420 And it's disempowering when we're not taking action against it.

00:40:23.280 I thought about this over the weekend.

00:40:25.280 And I don't know why I got thinking about it.

00:40:27.260 You guys are going to get a little glimpse into the mind that is mine.

00:40:29.780 It's weird.

00:40:30.800 I was actually talking with my girlfriend about, we were talking about the brain to mouth filter.

00:40:37.400 Like if it didn't work for anybody, how creeped out and disturbed we'd be by what everybody was thinking on any given moment.

00:40:45.360 If your thoughts were just communicated always.

00:40:47.780 Totally.

00:40:48.240 Yeah.

00:40:48.360 Totally.

00:40:48.760 Yeah.

00:40:48.900 Isn't that like a movie with Jim Carrey?

00:40:52.140 I don't know.

00:40:52.660 There's a movie.

00:40:53.680 Yeah.

00:40:54.060 I don't know.

00:40:54.740 Anyways, I was thinking about like if I had a limb that was amputated.

00:41:00.820 Like if, if I lost a leg in a car accident or lost an arm, I watched a video of this guy, like went to grab a shark out of the water that he had caught or something.

00:41:11.700 And the shark lashed onto his pinky and ripped his pinky off. 0.99

00:41:14.480 He's like, damn, I just lost my pinky. 0.87

00:41:16.040 He was surprisingly calm for having his pinky ripped off by a shark. 0.97

00:41:19.240 Like, but I was thinking about it over the weekend.

00:41:22.220 Like what, how would I respond to that?

00:41:24.200 Would I, would I wallow in my own self pity?

00:41:27.460 Would I, would I cry and throw in the towel? 1.00

00:41:30.080 Would I, would I think that life was over and just kind of amount to a pile of shit? 0.99

00:41:35.360 And then I got thinking about a friend of mine, his name is Sidney Smith and he is a double amputee, both legs. 0.99

00:41:42.320 He had a rare medical condition.

00:41:44.560 He's been on the podcast, but a rare medical condition that in order to address that, his legs had to be amputated.

00:41:51.780 And this guy's incredible.

00:41:54.480 I mean, he's hunting, he's running marathons.

00:41:57.920 He's an iron man.

00:41:59.960 He has an organization that does a hunts for disabled individuals.

00:42:05.160 The guy's incredible.

00:42:06.920 Yeah.

00:42:07.580 And so this is exactly what you're talking about.

00:42:09.480 Hey, I got to deal with my diabetes.

00:42:10.660 Sidney has to deal with the fact that he's missing two legs.

00:42:14.720 And instead of crying and wallowing and look, I don't, I don't know, but I'm sure he has those moments.

00:42:19.880 I'm sure of it.

00:42:21.440 But instead of dwelling on it, he's like, you know what?

00:42:24.420 No, I think I'll go run a marathon instead.

00:42:27.340 I think I'll get involved with an organization that helps people like me get out into the world of outdoors. 0.98

00:42:32.400 Like, damn, if that isn't awesome. 0.88

00:42:34.840 That's exactly what you're talking about. 0.98

00:42:37.000 Yeah.

00:42:37.360 That's super awesome.

00:42:38.280 WildEye Creative Company.

00:42:41.840 I know your work-life balance is largely a myth, but how do we really make time to do everything to do it well?

00:42:47.860 I work full-time.

00:42:48.840 I have a side business.

00:42:49.820 I'm trying to grow.

00:42:50.660 I do jujitsu.

00:42:51.540 I need to weight train.

00:42:52.420 Don't stop doing the jujitsu.

00:42:54.200 I'm a father, a husband, and I have a few friends.

00:42:56.620 I connect with regularly.

00:42:57.640 It all seems impossible to balance, let alone do any one thing well.

00:43:03.840 Well, you're right.

00:43:04.900 It is impossible.

00:43:06.060 You can't do everything well.

00:43:09.000 That's the myth that you're buying into.

00:43:11.600 You think that, hey, I want to do this all.

00:43:14.220 By the way, here's the trick.

00:43:16.180 These are called noble obstacles.

00:43:18.180 They're all worthwhile pursuits.

00:43:19.740 All of them are really good pursuits.

00:43:23.860 So what do you want me to tell you?

00:43:26.040 Stop weight training?

00:43:28.080 Stop working so hard?

00:43:29.380 Stop the side hustle?

00:43:30.440 Stop spending time with your family?

00:43:31.720 Stop jujitsu?

00:43:32.540 I can't tell you any of that because it's all really good stuff.

00:43:35.500 The question you have to ask yourself is, at what cost?

00:43:43.180 So you're doing weight training and jujitsu?

00:43:47.160 At what cost?

00:43:49.900 And are you willing to pay it?

00:43:52.340 Look, some guys, I might, I know you're not going to like this, Kip.

00:43:57.240 But based on their goals and objectives, I might advocate for toning it back on the jujitsu

00:44:01.960 and do the strength training stuff for a while, if that aligns with your goals.

00:44:05.980 Or opposite.

00:44:07.740 Maybe strength training doesn't align with your goals.

00:44:09.920 And I would tell you, hey, why don't you not do that and keep doing the jujitsu and

00:44:15.360 then take that three to five hours per week that you're doing the strength training stuff

00:44:18.600 and go run with your kids or play with your kids or build some Legos with them.

00:44:24.220 Or another thing that you could do is what I call task stacking.

00:44:29.180 So instead of going to the gym by yourself to do weight training, you bring your kids in

00:44:34.120 with you and you all do it together.

00:44:36.360 Now, are you going to get a good as workout as if you were alone?

00:44:39.840 No, of course not.

00:44:42.340 But you could get 70 to 80% there.

00:44:45.100 And you could also get your kids involved and have fun with them and teach them and develop

00:44:50.200 habits that are going to serve them well for the rest of their lives.

00:44:53.720 So is that worth the 30% in efficacy reduction?

00:44:58.820 I think so.

00:45:01.220 Totally.

00:45:02.780 Now, there are other things that we've talked about with seasons.

00:45:06.380 Sometimes when you have busy seasons.

00:45:08.340 So for example, maybe you're training for a jujitsu competition.

00:45:11.920 So that has to take a little bit heavier weight than some of the other things.

00:45:16.020 And so weight training isn't going to be as relevant.

00:45:18.460 Maybe you won't get as much time with the family during that training season.

00:45:22.180 As long as you communicate that effectively, and it actually is a season.

00:45:25.820 Seasons have starts and they have ends.

00:45:28.300 They don't just last forever.

00:45:30.140 Winter comes and winter goes.

00:45:31.840 And then spring comes and then it goes.

00:45:34.020 Seasons come and go.

00:45:35.460 They don't just last forever.

00:45:36.640 That's the trick.

00:45:37.340 A lot of guys will think, well, this is just a season.

00:45:39.240 For 10 years, neglect your family for 10 years because you're busy at work.

00:45:44.440 That doesn't sound like a season to me.

00:45:46.940 That sounds like a problem.

00:45:50.120 Totally.

00:45:51.380 Well, and it's, and there's other elements of this to consider.

00:45:54.520 I'll give you an example.

00:45:56.140 I wrote up this, these principles of performance.

00:46:01.360 This document that illustrates all the principles that a leader should consider

00:46:06.740 when addressing employee performance.

00:46:09.240 And it was fantastic.

00:46:12.360 Thorough, detailed, had it all.

00:46:15.400 And I showed it to a kind of a coach of mine.

00:46:19.800 I'm like, hey, this is it.

00:46:21.060 This is the grand piece.

00:46:22.700 And he goes, do you want it adopted or do you want the document to be correct?

00:46:27.600 He's like, that's too much.

00:46:33.120 It won't get adopted.

00:46:35.600 All of it's true, Kip.

00:46:36.980 All of it's true.

00:46:38.260 All of it's great.

00:46:39.980 But it won't get used.

00:46:41.080 And so I compromised the principles of performance to be less and not as complete for the sake of usage.

00:46:51.840 Why are you doing jiu-jitsu?

00:46:57.400 To be amazing at jiu-jitsu or what?

00:47:00.620 To learn some self-defense.

00:47:03.340 Okay.

00:47:03.680 Then dial it back to learn a little bit of self-defense.

00:47:08.140 And both are fine, by the way.

00:47:09.280 Whatever the goal is, is fine.

00:47:10.680 But you have to identify it.

00:47:11.720 But just get clear on the outcome, right?

00:47:15.700 And the answer.

00:47:16.940 And you have side business on here.

00:47:19.120 Like, I can't help.

00:47:20.420 And I'm not anti-side business.

00:47:22.500 Trust me.

00:47:23.540 But sometimes we get our egos wrapped up into our side hustles or our businesses so much that it's like it's identity.

00:47:31.260 It's a part of who we are.

00:47:32.820 And you start running the numbers, you might be like, this thing cost me money.

00:47:37.080 It's taken away from my family.

00:47:38.660 It costs me money once I add up all the time I invest.

00:47:42.000 Like, it's not a good idea.

00:47:44.020 It may not be serving you.

00:47:46.180 But you may not be willing to let go of it because of what it means.

00:47:50.240 So be careful.

00:47:51.280 I know buddies that have working side hustles or business ideas all the time.

00:47:55.040 And I'm like, I don't know if that's paying off at all, right?

00:48:00.400 So just get clear on what's the outcome that you're seeking.

00:48:03.720 And you'll probably find out that there's a lot of things you should be dialing back

00:48:07.280 because they're not really serving you as much as you would like.

00:48:11.500 Yeah.

00:48:12.620 There's a really good book along the same lines, Kip, The One Thing by Gary Keller, I believe.

00:48:17.520 If you haven't read that, go read that book.

00:48:19.580 And the whole premise of the book is what's the one thing that would render everything else

00:48:24.380 unnecessary or make it easier?

00:48:26.360 And that is a really powerful principle.

00:48:30.080 When I write down my to-do list, and I did this morning, I've got, let's see.

00:48:37.220 I've got 15 things I need to get done in addition to the meetings I already have scheduled.

00:48:41.580 So 15 little to-do lists or to-do items.

00:48:44.420 I'll probably get through five of them.

00:48:47.620 And that's okay.

00:48:48.600 If I get through those five, I would say, then I can chalk today up as a success.

00:48:53.360 And when I put my head on that pillow, I'm going to sleep hard.

00:48:56.200 Feel good about it.

00:48:57.280 Yeah.

00:48:58.220 Yeah.

00:48:58.660 All right, Kip.

00:48:59.320 We got to, I know we're bumping up against time a little bit.

00:49:01.540 There was a question I wanted to address.

00:49:03.400 So maybe we can fast forward to this question.

00:49:06.180 The guy is talking about, and I'm paraphrasing, that his wife was considering going to maybe

00:49:12.780 Texas and then got hooked up with an old acquaintance or friend.

00:49:18.320 I had some thoughts on that.

00:49:20.340 Can you ask that question?

00:49:21.500 Cause I want to hit that and if we can have more later, great, but I really want to hit

00:49:25.140 on this one.

00:49:26.100 Okay.

00:49:28.080 J M Ed 28 55.

00:49:31.640 My wife was planning to go spend spring break in Texas to see her best friend. 0.96

00:49:36.780 They currently live in California.

00:49:38.500 A few weeks ago before her trip, she got drunk and decided to text another guy from Texas

00:49:44.080 that she knew from another friend.

00:49:46.600 She was having a full blown conversation at 2 AM, which raised some red flags to me.

00:49:51.920 So I decided to look, look instead of asking her, I decided to look instead of asking her.

00:49:58.020 This guy was asking her for, yeah, this guy was asking her for pictures and having inappropriate

00:50:04.080 conversations with her.

00:50:05.240 She didn't reciprocate, but it, but also didn't shut it down either.

00:50:10.520 A boundary was set by telling her that she wouldn't be going to Texas for spring break.

00:50:15.700 I guess my question is, how do you move forward from something like that?

00:50:19.780 We had a really good conversation about boundaries and expectations of our marriage.

00:50:24.360 And she seems to have understood everything, just trying to figure out how to deal with this

00:50:28.880 personally.

00:50:30.120 Okay.

00:50:30.460 So I've got a lot of thoughts on this one.

00:50:32.940 Well, let's break it down.

00:50:34.340 In the animal kingdom with elk, there's what is called a satellite bull.

00:50:42.540 And a satellite bull is a bull essentially without a harem of cows to breed.

00:50:48.820 So you've got bulls that are in a herd without.

00:50:51.620 You've got bulls in a herd that have a plethora of females to choose from breeds and obviously 1.00

00:51:00.040 grows the herd, but you have satellite bulls.

00:51:02.140 These are sometimes young bulls or they've been moved out of the herd for whatever reason.

00:51:06.320 And these satellite bulls are just like satellites around the earth.

00:51:09.700 They hover, they hover around and they just circle around.

00:51:13.800 And then when they have a little moment of opportunity, they attempt to exploit it.

00:51:18.100 So sometimes they'll take on a bigger, more mature bull and try to take over the herd.

00:51:24.300 Other times when a more mature bull is out running off another satellite, another satellite

00:51:30.120 will run in and attempt to breed one of the females.

00:51:33.580 These are what satellite bulls are and what they do.

00:51:36.800 And it's the same thing with humans.

00:51:39.180 Bunch of satellites hovering around, waiting for their moment, ready to pounce as soon as

00:51:47.060 that opportunity presents itself.

00:51:48.740 And what does this look like?

00:51:50.020 It looks like cute little texts.

00:51:52.800 Oh, I miss you.

00:51:53.940 It's been so long.

00:51:55.720 You look great.

00:51:57.400 How have you been?

00:52:00.000 Or a phone call on a birthday.

00:52:03.220 Or here's another one.

00:52:04.360 A male coworker, knowing that your wife at work is having some emotional hardship, whether

00:52:10.400 it's because of you and your dynamic or something else, says, oh, you can always talk to me.

00:52:16.580 What's going on?

00:52:17.740 Tell me.

00:52:18.220 You can share with me. 1.00

00:52:20.720 This is what satellite assholes do. 1.00

00:52:24.040 And I know because all of us have been the satellite asshole. 1.00

00:52:28.920 All of us. 0.99

00:52:30.040 There isn't a male on the planet who hasn't been one of these satellite bulls.

00:52:34.960 And women don't like when I say this, but this is the reality.

00:52:39.180 Women tend to be a little bit more naive about what the satellite bull's role is. 1.00

00:52:45.520 Oh, he's just a friend.

00:52:48.180 Oh, I've known him for, oh, he's like a brother to me. 1.00

00:52:51.440 That brother would fuck you in a heartbeat if he got the opportunity. 0.99

00:52:55.660 So when I hear a guy say what you're saying, this is common, but then the thing that really stood out to me is you make it sound like you set all the boundaries and she understood your directive. 1.00

00:53:13.640 Yeah, that's a problem because those satellite bulls are out there and they're working hard and there's more of them than there are of you.

00:53:24.820 So why is it 100% your responsibility to establish, set, and communicate the boundaries?

00:53:34.760 She messed up.

00:53:35.940 Now, you might have your own things going on.

00:53:39.300 She got drunk and started having an inappropriate conversation she wasn't willing to shut down with one of these satellites.

00:53:46.400 Instead of you setting the boundaries, I think I would ask, what are you going to do to invest in this relationship?

00:53:56.500 What are you going to do to ensure that this nonsense doesn't happen?

00:54:01.540 Because there has to be a level of trust.

00:54:06.800 You might be a trustworthy individual, but if you can't trust her, there's no way that this relationship is going to thrive, and I want it to.

00:54:13.820 It sounds like it didn't go any further.

00:54:16.300 It sounds like she should have shut it down, but didn't.

00:54:19.040 Now it's her responsibility to communicate to you what she's going to do and how she's going to ensure that she's a trustworthy person.

00:54:29.340 What she's going to do to make sure that you know she continues to value this relationship.

00:54:34.560 And I know it takes two to tango, and I think you having boundaries in place too is healthy.

00:54:38.840 I'm not saying it isn't, but she's got to come up with some of these on her own.

00:54:42.840 And if she's not willing to get involved in that discussion that way, whether it's because you're too controlling, that you don't give her the opportunity to, or she's unsure enough about herself, then this is going to happen again. 0.98

00:54:55.280 She's going to go get shit-faced again. 1.00

00:54:57.340 Another satellite's going to come in, recognize the opportunity, try to get laid. 0.99

00:55:02.280 And unless she has a plan that she's bought into, she might actually just succumb to that in a moment of weakness or drunkenness.

00:55:11.920 Yeah.

00:55:13.000 And the best way to get someone to be bought into a plan is for them to figure out what the plan is and can't give it to you.

00:55:19.600 It's got to be their plan.

00:55:20.540 I love your analogy of the football because I'm thinking the same thing even in this circumstance, right?

00:55:26.620 They're at both sides of the end zone.

00:55:29.020 He takes a step forward.

00:55:29.980 Hey, this is unacceptable.

00:55:32.300 And then he's looking for her to do what?

00:55:34.420 You're right.

00:55:35.300 This is what I'm thinking.

00:55:36.140 Okay, got it.

00:55:37.080 Right?

00:55:37.260 Like, but if she's still hanging out and you're just the only one progressing with all the boundaries and expectations and everything, and she's just saying, okay, yeah, okay.

00:55:47.160 Oh, man.

00:55:47.780 The probability of her actually being bought into any of that is really, really low.

00:55:52.100 Yeah.

00:55:53.160 Yeah.

00:55:53.540 Look, that's the message for the guy and the message for the men.

00:55:57.260 Ladies who are listening to this, bless your hearts sometimes, and some of you, not all of you.

00:56:04.180 Yeah.

00:56:04.580 But you got to not be naive.

00:56:08.940 You have to.

00:56:10.900 If you're in a committed relationship, you have to be vigilant in protecting that relationship.

00:56:18.380 Now, I believe, as our motto goes, it's a man's job to protect, provide, preside, protect.

00:56:22.480 Let's focus on that for a minute.

00:56:24.540 A man can't be with you 24-7. 1.00

00:56:27.080 You wouldn't even want that.

00:56:28.160 It would be miserable to you.

00:56:30.120 Yeah.

00:56:30.320 So as a woman, an empowered woman, who wants her autonomy and her individualism, and I think those are worthy good things, then you have to exercise some vigilance.

00:56:44.680 You have to be able to shut down inappropriate conversations with courage and confidence.

00:56:51.740 You have to not get sucked into the game.

00:56:54.500 You have to know what a friend's, a male friend's intentions are.

00:57:00.160 And maybe his intentions aren't bad now.

00:57:03.600 But trust me, if that window opens up, he will step into that.

00:57:07.640 He absolutely will.

00:57:09.560 Because men don't want girlfriends.

00:57:11.920 Yeah.

00:57:12.200 And the probability is you're wrong.

00:57:15.360 I'm saying this to the females. 0.99

00:57:18.620 The probability is you're wrong.

00:57:20.320 All of you are like, oh, no, no, no, it's not.

00:57:22.560 Trust me, you're probably wrong.

00:57:23.980 In most cases, you're wrong.

00:57:26.780 Right.

00:57:27.720 So I think this is a moment where everybody exercises some vigilance.

00:57:31.940 Everybody comes to the table with ideas.

00:57:33.940 We communicate on both sides those ideas, those boundaries.

00:57:37.940 And then as a good partner, she should hold you accountable to the boundaries that you guys have identified.

00:57:43.780 And you should hold her to the boundaries.

00:57:45.960 And you know what the boundaries are?

00:57:47.320 Sometimes there has to be consequences.

00:57:50.140 If you step across this line, I will F you up.

00:57:53.680 I'm not saying like you should physically abuse.

00:57:56.560 I'm saying in another environment, this is how the line works.

00:57:59.220 Like there's a consequence to crossing the boundary.

00:58:02.800 And in this case, it might be, hey, we're dating.

00:58:06.000 If this happens again, after we've had this discussion, I'm out.

00:58:12.660 And then you have to actually believe that.

00:58:16.040 And you have to actually do it if this happens.

00:58:20.120 Yeah.

00:58:22.300 D Thrash, kind of a long question.

00:58:26.420 So I'm going to paraphrase, right?

00:58:28.700 He was let go hard financially, stood up for his team, kind of didn't feel good about how it happened.

00:58:36.000 Um, he's working on a commission-based pay, uh, currently, uh, and he's working a second job.

00:58:44.080 Ultimate question.

00:58:45.760 I've not held on to the anger from being let go, but there are times when I'm busting my ass in, in the wee hours and just thinking about the entire situation.

00:58:55.500 How do I truly move past this and focus on just taking care of my family and getting out of this financial mess and breathe again?

00:59:04.180 Thanks, fellas.

00:59:05.060 Keep up the incredible work and moving on.

00:59:06.800 So, you know, this resentment, right?

00:59:09.000 Yeah. 0.92

00:59:09.620 His circumstances shitty because of someone else.

00:59:11.780 And how does he just let go of that anger and just deal?

00:59:17.700 It's a hard one.

00:59:18.900 It's complicated.

00:59:20.320 But I think one thing that's helped me in the past is what we focus and dwell on.

00:59:26.480 So, right now, you're focusing on how you've been wronged.

00:59:30.140 Yeah.

00:59:30.700 You were let go.

00:59:32.160 They took advantage of you.

00:59:34.840 I'm just making a few things up here, but they took advantage of you. 0.99

00:59:38.100 Uh, they, they got everything they needed from you and then discarded you like a piece of trash. 0.94

00:59:41.940 Again, I'm making things up. 0.98

00:59:43.080 This is how I would feel.

00:59:44.720 And that's what you're dwelling on.

00:59:45.980 And I get it.

00:59:46.820 That's, a lot of that is probably accurate.

00:59:49.220 A lot of it's probably not.

00:59:50.360 It's just perception of it.

00:59:51.300 But what if instead of focusing on the negative, you decided, you know what?

00:59:55.940 Instead of that, I'm going to focus on the positive.

00:59:57.460 So, how do we spin this?

00:59:58.540 It's not even a spin.

00:59:59.340 It's just the reality.

01:00:00.120 It's, it's two sides of the same coin.

01:00:03.180 Well, I worked for the organization for 10 years and I told them I would do this.

01:00:10.240 And they told me they would pay me to do that.

01:00:11.760 And look at all this experience I have.

01:00:15.300 They held up, held up their end of the deal.

01:00:17.260 I could have left at any time.

01:00:18.420 I didn't.

01:00:19.120 They could have fired me at any time.

01:00:20.260 They didn't up to this point.

01:00:21.640 But that was the arrangement.

01:00:22.920 That's no different than what we set when we entered into this agreement.

01:00:27.540 But look at all this experience I have.

01:00:30.420 Look at all these connections I made.

01:00:33.340 Look at all this money that I've been able to make.

01:00:36.180 Now, whether or not I was prudent with it, that's another discussion.

01:00:38.700 But look at all this money that I made from doing this work.

01:00:42.240 They believed in me enough to do this.

01:00:44.600 Look at the sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.

01:00:47.140 And what can I extract from my experience there that I can now go apply?

01:00:53.040 So a good example of this is, it's a little different because I wasn't let go, but I was

01:00:57.700 working with another financial planning firm before I started my own.

01:01:01.060 And there were moments where I was frustrated and I looked at my, I finally looked at my pay and I realized, man, I'm splitting all of my revenue, 50% of my revenue in exchange for a part-time secretary and a $1,000 a month office space.

01:01:16.400 What am I doing here?

01:01:18.920 I, I could pay for those things myself and go make two, three times what I'm making right now.

01:01:24.360 Now I could have been bitter and contentious about that, but I could have looked at those numbers anytime I wanted.

01:01:29.220 Yeah.

01:01:29.680 And those numbers tend to change over time too.

01:01:32.180 Early on, it's a big investment on their part.

01:01:34.160 Later on, it's, I'm, I'm losing out on money because they're recouping their investment.

01:01:37.900 And just logically that makes sense, but I wasn't bitter about it.

01:01:42.440 I built up 10, well, let's see.

01:01:46.060 I was in the business with that company for about four or five years, five years of experience, incredible connections, income to me that I didn't earn in those early years to help float me, to get me on my feet.

01:02:02.160 Powerful networks with other people, the experience, the education, the knowledge.

01:02:06.060 And then I went out on my own and I started my own financial planning practice and it was like off to the races from day one.

01:02:11.660 That would not have happened without five years with that other financial planning firm.

01:02:17.740 It just would not have happened.

01:02:20.180 And then I leveraged that into starting a podcast.

01:02:23.380 And then I leveraged that into starting the Order of Man podcast.

01:02:26.040 And I'm here today in part because of what that financial planning firm did for me.

01:02:31.700 Even though at the end, I felt like I was getting the raw end of the deal.

01:02:36.060 But it's what you focus on.

01:02:37.680 And I'm actually really grateful for that.

01:02:39.820 I think about that even with relationships.

01:02:41.500 You know, relationships end and divorces and heartbreak and heartache and everything else.

01:02:46.700 And we can be bitter.

01:02:47.800 We can be contentious.

01:02:48.740 And there might be reasons to.

01:02:50.020 And also, we can be grateful for the time that we had.

01:02:53.760 I'm grateful for my kids with my past relationship.

01:02:57.380 I wouldn't have my kids if that weren't the case.

01:02:59.420 I'm grateful for that.

01:03:00.900 I'm grateful for the memories.

01:03:02.500 I'm grateful for the experiences.

01:03:04.440 I'm grateful for the learning opportunities.

01:03:06.280 And I'm even grateful now that I went through that divorce because I think I'd probably end up being dead or killing somebody or driving to this business into the ground or completely just demolishing the relationships I have with my kids.

01:03:24.060 But I got caught soon enough in not a real pleasant way.

01:03:30.020 But, man, if that hadn't have happened, life would be completely different for the worse today.

01:03:37.420 So I'm actually grateful for that in some ways.

01:03:40.080 It's hard to do.

01:03:41.380 But it's really just a matter of what you focus on.

01:03:44.400 I love it.

01:03:45.580 I love it.

01:03:46.880 All right.

01:03:47.220 Should we wrap up?

01:03:48.500 Yep.

01:03:48.800 So call to action.

01:03:51.600 We have swag in the Order of Man store.

01:03:55.580 That's store.orderofman.com.

01:03:57.680 To follow Mr. Mickler on X and the Instagram, it's at Ryan Mickler.

01:04:03.200 And, of course, you can join us on our Facebook group.

01:04:05.260 That's facebook.com slash group slash Order of Man.

01:04:08.020 And learn more about the Brotherhood, the Iron Council, by going to orderofman.com slash Iron Council.

01:04:15.160 We'll be opening up membership to the Iron Council in about a month.

01:04:20.260 In about a month.

01:04:21.660 So I only have one ask for today.

01:04:25.880 If you were going to do one thing, here's what I would say.

01:04:28.640 We're opening up our Brotherhood in 30 days.

01:04:31.960 I want you to go do the 30 Days to Battle Ready program.

01:04:34.580 I like that.

01:04:36.880 It's a free program.

01:04:38.800 And when you sign up, you're going to get an email from me immediately, instantaneously.

01:04:45.140 And in that email, there's a challenge.

01:04:47.740 And it's easy.

01:04:48.600 It's simple.

01:04:49.400 It's not a difficult thing to do.

01:04:50.820 You can complete it very quickly.

01:04:51.980 But there's a challenge.

01:04:53.580 And I ask that every single person who signs up for the Battle Ready program, do that challenge.

01:04:58.480 Because I want to know that that person is in and committed to their own self-development improvement

01:05:03.540 before we start peeling back the layers of what is available with proper goal-setting planning

01:05:09.220 and the resources that are included in that program.

01:05:13.840 So if you want to know what that challenge is, if you think you're up for it,

01:05:17.840 and you're wanting to change the trajectory of your life,

01:05:21.720 even if it's just one small degree or 180 degrees,

01:05:26.640 if you want to change the trajectory of your life, then go do that.

01:05:29.260 Battle Ready.

01:05:29.640 So it's orderofman.com slash battle ready.

01:05:34.120 All right, Kip.

01:05:35.160 I appreciate you, brother.

01:05:36.340 Guys, great questions today.

01:05:37.880 Again, as always, I hope we gave you some things to consider.

01:05:40.680 I think Kip and I would both say we don't think that we are always right necessarily

01:05:45.920 or that we have the entirety of the solution.

01:05:50.680 But hopefully we give you some things to consider that will help you go out and solve your own problems.

01:05:55.440 That's what we want.

01:05:56.260 Absolutely.

01:05:56.460 We want you to solve your problems, and that's what we're trying to do here.

01:06:00.820 Kip, love you, brother.

01:06:01.480 Appreciate you.

01:06:02.280 Guys, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.

01:06:08.740 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

01:06:11.660 If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you are meant to be,

01:06:15.360 we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Men's Impact on Boy Scouts, Personal Growth, and Achieving Balance ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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