Mind Your Tongue ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
173.17134
Summary
In this episode, Ryan talks about the importance of being deliberate and intentional with the words we use and the impact it can have on the people we speak to and the ideas we have in our heads. He also shares 4 or 5 tips that you can use to make your words more powerful and effective.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? I am Ryan Michler. I'm the host
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and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here today. Today,
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I want to talk with you about minding your tongue. The words we use, what we say, what it conveys,
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what it communicates, and also words and thoughts and ideas that we don't even vocalize. It's the
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words and thoughts that are in our heads that we're operating our life by. And it's crucial,
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crucial that we understand, A, how powerful words, both vocalized and internalized words can be,
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and how important it is to be very deliberate and intentional about the words we're using for
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ourselves. And of course, as we're trying to lead others as men. And that's what this podcast is all
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about. It's all about giving you tools, conversations, resources that you need as a man
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to thrive. And I can't think of a more powerful tool for influence or authority, credibility,
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building trust than the words that we convey and the words that we operate our lives by.
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So I'm going to share with you why this is so important. And then I'm going to give you four
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or five tips that you can use to change the words that you use and make them more powerful and
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effective. Now, look, as I say every week, I'm not an expert. These are things that I'm working on
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myself. And the reason I wanted to talk with you about this today is because minding my tongue
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and being aware of the power my words have not only on others, but on myself and being more
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deliberate and intentional with what I use is something that I am personally working on.
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So we're in this battle together, right? It's not you. And it's not me telling you how to be the
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perfect man. It's me trying to figure out my own path and then working together collectively as men
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to improve ourselves. So let's talk about what we vocalize. We live in this culture that just says
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whatever comes to mind and you hear things like the zero F's mentality and I don't care what anybody
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else thinks. And we're so flippant with our word choice. I mean, there's so many people that you
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might listen to on YouTube or Instagram or podcast who cannot go three to five words without dropping
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an F-bomb or some vulgar language to attempt to communicate their point. And I think number one,
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it's negative. And anytime that we invite negativity into our lives, I think that's going to begin to
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manifest itself because we start to operate based on that language. So I've chosen because I don't
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want that negativity in my life to attempt to use better words. Plus, I also think it makes us look
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less intelligent. If we're dropping swear words and that's the range of our vocabulary, it makes us look
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less intelligent because we don't have a large vocabulary to draw from. There's better word choices
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than some of the words that I know I've used in the past and that others use. Also, it shows a level
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of disrespect for using that kind of language to somebody who maybe doesn't want to hear that
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language. Now, look, this is where the whole, I don't care what anybody else thinks mentality comes
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in. That's not true, right? You got a bunch of tough guys on the internet telling you they don't care
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about what other people think. And to a degree, there's some truth in that. There's some reasons why that
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might be a mentality that we adopt to a degree, but there are people that I care about and I do care
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about what they think of me because I'm trying to serve them and I'm trying to lead them. I care,
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for example, what my wife thinks about me. I care, for example, what my children think about me.
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I care what you guys think because I am trying to be influential in people's lives. And if I'm using
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language that doesn't resonate with my audience, whether it's my wife or my children or my friends or even
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you, then I'm not showing any respect to the relationship that we have in whatever capacity
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that looks like. So I am attempting, again, I'm not perfect at this. I am attempting to let go of
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negative language, to let go of the swearing and use different language that's going to convey and
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communicate my message in a more powerful, constructive, and influential way because that's
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ultimately what I want. I do want to influence my wife and children. I do want to influence my
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friends. I do want to influence you. I know there's a negative connotation with that at times,
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but there's nothing wrong with influence, especially if you're influencing people to make
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good decisions that will move them in a better direction. So it is very crucial. Now, outside of
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what we vocalize and the way we communicate that to others, there's language that we use with
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ourselves. And oftentimes this is so subconscious that we don't even know we're doing it. What do you
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think about yourself and who you are as a man? Do you call yourself a loser? Do you call yourself a
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failure? What is it that your internal dialogue with yourself is saying about you? Because if you're
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using that type of language, then it is going to be self-fulfilling prophecy. If you say, I am a failure,
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and that's what you're focusing on through your non-verbalized communication and the conversations
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you're having with yourself, so to speak, you are going to do things that are going to cause you to
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fail. If you call yourself a loser, you're going to look for elements in your life that prove to
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yourself that you are in fact a loser. Several weeks ago, I had a good friend of mine, Brett Bartholomew,
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on the podcast, and he does a lot of leadership coaching. And part of that is communication,
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obviously. And he does an interesting exercise with his clients and the people that he's teaching,
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including those on his team. He has people write down their negative thoughts about themselves.
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I'm a loser. I'm a failure. I'm no good. I don't deserve this. I'm an a-hole, et cetera, et cetera.
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Has them write that down. Then he pairs those people up with a partner and he sits them at a table
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face-to-face. And he says, now I want you to take that language that you speak to yourself
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about and I want you to vocalize that and direct that at another person. And it's no surprise that
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most people have an extremely difficult time doing that. Oh man, I would never say this to somebody
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else. I would never treat somebody else that way. I don't want them to feel bad. And yet we're so
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willing to do it to ourselves. Now, I believe that we should be our harshest critic. I believe that we
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should be holding ourselves to a high standard, but that's different than using language and
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thoughts and ideas that continually beat you down to the point where you begin to fulfill
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some of the things that you say about yourself. Instead of doing that, what I would suggest is
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that you're not a loser. Maybe you've lost. Maybe you've failed. I certainly have. Does that qualify
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us as this eternal perpetual loser? No, it means we've lost. And instead of having attitude about
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that, let's replace that with, hey, I lost. What can I learn from this? What can I change?
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And how can I be better in my life? Or rather than focusing so heavily on the negativity and
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what we didn't do and what we didn't accomplish and how we failed, focus on the things that we
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have done well. The places in life where we do succeed, where we do thrive, where we are
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capable and proficient, and then translate that into areas that we may need some shoring up.
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But guys, it is crucial, crucial that we learn to vocalize our thoughts in a constructive,
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healthy way, positive, encouraging, uplifting way. And I'm not saying we have to walk around
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pretending that everything is fine. You can have issues. You can have problems. You can have even
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disagreements. But we do need to work on doing this with a level of respect towards other people
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and a level of respect towards ourselves. So let's talk about five key points that I've been
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using personally that have helped me clean up my language a little bit is number one is I think
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it's very important that we know what our intent is with our language. Not very many people think
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about this. They just blurt out whatever comes to mind, regardless of how somebody else might interpret
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it, regardless of how it might make them look. And it lacks intentionality. But do you know what
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your intent is in sharing a message? I know what my intent is here. It's to articulate points and
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concepts and theories and ideas and practices that are going to serve you and help you become a better
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man. So what kind of language do I need to use in order to accomplish that task? Now, another thing you
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might consider is your audience. If I'm talking with construction workers or military men, I might
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talk differently than I would talk with white-collar workers or medical professionals or children.
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But the intent is where we start. What is my intent? What do I want to convey? What do I want to
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communicate? What do I want to share? What do I want people to walk away with? And then once we know what
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our intent is, we can work backwards in the type of language that we can use. Not just whether or not
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we swear, but what story should we share with a construction worker versus what anecdote might I
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share with a medical professional? They're going to be different. But the first point is to always
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know your intent. And I would also say knowing your audience. Number two is think about the information
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that you consume. I've had guys on the podcast and there's some guys that I really admire, that I
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really respect, that have a lot of valuable information to share. And yet they drop the F-bomb
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in every other word. Now, I'm not one of these guys who's overly sensitive where I might call that guy
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out in public or never listen to a person's message. But I can't help but think how much more powerful
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their language would be, their message would be if they were a little bit more intentional
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about swearing or about F-bombs. Now, look, again, it's their prerogative. And if they believe that
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that helps them and they're intentional about it, then all the power to them. But I think using swear
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words over and over again, the same one word or a verb, a noun, all the adjective, and it's the one
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word. Really, that's the depth, that's the range of your vocabulary and how distracting is it from
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your actual message. But it is very important in what we consume because what we consume is going to
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begin to manifest itself in our lives. I remember years ago, I was in my financial services planning
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practice, just getting off the ground. And Ed Milet was an early mentor of mine. And I would take his
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CDs, yes, CDs at the time. And in between appointments, as I was driving to and from
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different appointments, I would put his sales CD in and I would get motivated and hyped up and
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inspired. And I remember one day, I was having a conversation with my wife and she stopped me and
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she said, you sound so much like Ed Milet right now. Of course, I do because that's the information
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that I was consuming. So you better be careful of what's going into your brain because you are going
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to start parroting that information that you consume. Garbage in, garbage out. Good information
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in, good information out. It's just the way it works. It's like a recipe. If you put crappy food
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into the ingredients, the final result is probably not going to be delicious. But if you use the best
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ingredients, the best quality in the right quantity, and you do that in the right order, you're going to
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have a delicious meal in front of you. It's the same thing with your language. If you're listening to
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music that's derogatory towards women, that glorifies violence and degeneracy, is it any
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wonder that we start to navigate towards these own behaviors in our lives? If on the other hand,
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you're listening to music that is inspiring, that is motivating, that is positive and encouraging and
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uplifting, you're watching shows that have a good, wholesome message behind that encourages and
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fosters virtue and honor, then these are the kinds of things that we're going to start navigating
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towards. So be very, very careful about what goes in, in the six inches between our ears, because I'm
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telling you what, what you consume eventually becomes what you think about and what you think about
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eventually becomes what you do and what you play out in life.
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Number three, this one has been a challenge for me. I have to slow down. Even now you might be
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listening to this and thinking, Oh my goodness, Ryan's talking so fast. And I am, I am going to
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be working on slowing down my tempo, my pace, because it gives us time to think about what words we should
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use. If I'm rattling a hundred words per minute, not only am I stumbling over my words, but I might just
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be tempted to use language. That's a default. That's not as intelligent as different language
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that I could be using. So slow down. This is what I'm working on. Pace yourself. Think about what's
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being said, be more deliberate, be more intentional, be more clear about what you're saying, what it's
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communicating. And by the way, that's a great thing about slowing down is when you slow down, it gives
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yourself time to evaluate how people are responding. Now, most of the time it's going to be
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nonverbal, but if you're just rattling all the words off as fast as you possibly can, there's no
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time to process the response from others. But if you slow down the tempo, you slow down the pace,
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you think about the words you're using, you're very intentional about what you're saying. You can then
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begin to see this person is resonating with this through their body language, or even through their
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vocalized comments. You can see what they're not resonating with. You can see when they're
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engaged. You can see when they're disengaged. Jordan Peterson says, be precise with your language.
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He is. Think about his range of vocabulary and think about how much his message spreads.
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Sometimes it gets a little rambling. It gets a little long. You can almost hear him thinking as
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he's talking, but he is precise with his language. And if he messes up, he says, no, that's not the
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right phrase or not the right word. Here's a better word for it. And that's something I think
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most of us should strive to do better with. Slow down, guys. Take a breath. Again, this is what
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I'm working on. And let's be intentional about what we're using. Number four, inventory. All right,
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inventory. If you're doing a presentation or a speech or standing up in front of your employees
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and communicating a message or doing a podcast like this or recording a video, I think it's a pretty
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good exercise to go back and to listen to your words with a critical ear. Objectively, listen.
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Is the words I'm using conveying the message that I want? And if it isn't, that's okay, but we need to
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inventory the language so that we can make better choices moving forward. I do that on the podcast
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all the time. People make fun of me. You listen to your own podcast? Yes, I do listen because I'm
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listening for the language I'm using. I'm listening for questions I'm asking. I'm listening for questions
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that I may have missed or routes and avenues and veins of the conversation I should have explored.
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I'm listening with a critical ear, but I'm also very aware of what I tell myself.
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I've talked quite a bit about journaling lately and one journal entry because a lot of people like
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prompts is what was your attitude today? What was the language that you said about yourself?
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How did you describe yourself to yourself? Did you encourage and bolster and foster
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growth and expansion and positivity for yourself? Or did you demean and demoralize and diminish
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who you are as a person? Write that stuff down. The more we can get an intentional and clear about
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it, the more precise our language can be. And we can be deliberate about whether or not we're being
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positive or negative in our lives. And of course, the results that come from. And guys, the last one
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here that I have for you is to expand your vocabulary, right? If you're dropping the F bomb, every other
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word, I'm not going to say you're not intelligent, but you're not showing your intelligence. You know,
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my six-year-old, his vocabulary is significantly less than my vocabulary. And that's okay because he's
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six. But if you're 40 years old and you have to interject two or three swear words over and over
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again, every other word, it's so distracting. It diminishes what you're trying to do. And it makes
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us look kind of foolish. But imagine on the other hand, if you had a precise word for every experience
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that you had or every feeling that you were experiencing at the time and you expanded your
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vocabulary. That's why guys like Jordan Peterson are so compelling because of their vocabulary.
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Andrew Huberman, another one, obviously well-researched, obviously very intelligent.
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And he communicates that. He conveys that as he's sharing his message. Ben Shapiro, Matt Walsh.
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And these are guys that maybe you agree with or disagree with, but I don't think that we can
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disagree that they have a wide range of local tools at their disposal that they've cultivated over time
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in order to convey their message, whether you agree with it or not. So guys, let's expand our
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vocabulary. And how do you do that? Well, like I said earlier, you have to think about the information
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that you're consuming. What books are you reading? That's going to expand your vocabulary.
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What music are you listening to? What podcasts are you consuming? What YouTube videos are you
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watching? Because that is going to be how you show up. So expand your vocabulary by being deliberate
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and intentional about the words and information that's going into our brain. Guys, I realized as I'm
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talking about this, that it may not seem like a big deal. And I believe the reason we may not
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think it's a big deal is because this is something that we do every day and we don't pay a whole lot
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of attention to, but I'm telling you what, if we can pay attention to the way that we communicate
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with ourselves and with others, we are going to build so much more credibility, which is going to
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drive so many more people into positive action. That's going to improve their lives. Imagine a father
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yelling at his children, cursing, swear words, negativity, hostility, demeaning language.
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Now imagine on the other hand, a father who is engaged, intentional about the words that he's
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using, has a large vocabulary to draw from, is using positive, encouraging, uplifting words.
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How is that going to rub off on a child? We know the answer. We 100% know the answer.
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And yet we tend to, as men, overlook it because A, we don't care. Or B, we might think it's
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unimportant. It's not. It's crucial. So I'm going to challenge you and encourage you to join me in our
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quest, if you will, to eliminate some of the swearing, to think about the negativity in our words,
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even the tempo and the speed and the pace and the way in which we deliver our message and be more
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intentional about that, be more positive about that, expand our vocabularies and really work
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on using language as a tool. And guys, it is a tool. It's all it is. It's a tool. And words are
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powerful. They can hurt people. They can uplift people. We know they're powerful. So let's use them
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correctly. In fact, I'll say this is a lot like style. I've got a friend, Tanner Guzzi has been
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on the podcast several times. And it's amazing to me how many men are either ignorant to, or unwilling
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to consider that maybe they ought to improve their style because men don't worry about that. Well, look,
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your style is a tool and you could ignore it and you can go with a status quo. But I'm telling you
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what the guy that cares about his appearance and continually works to improve it has another tool
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that's going to help him build influence, credibility, and authority. The same as our
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words. So guys, I hope that helps. Let me know what you think about the podcast. Drop it in the
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comments below. If you're on YouTube, which you can check out at order of man, if you're not watching
00:21:41.360
or wherever you're listening, please, if you would leave me a rating and review, connect with me on
00:21:46.560
instant, instant, Instagram at Ryan Michler, take a screenshot, share this with somebody who needs to
00:21:53.060
hear it. And then also want to let you know in about a week and a half, we're opening up our
00:21:58.020
exclusive brotherhood, the iron council. This has been going for about seven years. We're opening up
00:22:04.200
for the first time since December. So if you're interested, head to order of man.com slash iron
00:22:10.080
council. You can watch a video, learn more about what we do inside of the brotherhood, the iron
00:22:14.200
council, and get signed up to be notified when we open it up March 15th. All right, guys, that's what
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I've got for you today. Go out there, take action, use words to your benefit, become the
00:22:24.960
man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to
00:22:29.960
take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join