Order of Man - Mind Your Tongue ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:04.860 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.200 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:16.740 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.160 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? I am Ryan Michler. I'm the host

00:00:28.220 and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here today. Today,

00:00:33.420 I want to talk with you about minding your tongue. The words we use, what we say, what it conveys,

00:00:40.100 what it communicates, and also words and thoughts and ideas that we don't even vocalize. It's the

00:00:47.260 words and thoughts that are in our heads that we're operating our life by. And it's crucial,

00:00:52.300 crucial that we understand, A, how powerful words, both vocalized and internalized words can be,

00:00:58.220 and how important it is to be very deliberate and intentional about the words we're using for

00:01:05.540 ourselves. And of course, as we're trying to lead others as men. And that's what this podcast is all

00:01:09.760 about. It's all about giving you tools, conversations, resources that you need as a man

00:01:14.620 to thrive. And I can't think of a more powerful tool for influence or authority, credibility,

00:01:24.620 building trust than the words that we convey and the words that we operate our lives by.

00:01:31.280 So I'm going to share with you why this is so important. And then I'm going to give you four

00:01:33.880 or five tips that you can use to change the words that you use and make them more powerful and

00:01:39.280 effective. Now, look, as I say every week, I'm not an expert. These are things that I'm working on

00:01:44.000 myself. And the reason I wanted to talk with you about this today is because minding my tongue

00:01:49.800 and being aware of the power my words have not only on others, but on myself and being more

00:01:55.780 deliberate and intentional with what I use is something that I am personally working on.

00:02:00.600 So we're in this battle together, right? It's not you. And it's not me telling you how to be the

00:02:04.240 perfect man. It's me trying to figure out my own path and then working together collectively as men

00:02:09.980 to improve ourselves. So let's talk about what we vocalize. We live in this culture that just says

00:02:19.780 whatever comes to mind and you hear things like the zero F's mentality and I don't care what anybody

00:02:25.520 else thinks. And we're so flippant with our word choice. I mean, there's so many people that you

00:02:30.600 might listen to on YouTube or Instagram or podcast who cannot go three to five words without dropping

00:02:40.700 an F-bomb or some vulgar language to attempt to communicate their point. And I think number one,

00:02:49.140 it's negative. And anytime that we invite negativity into our lives, I think that's going to begin to

00:02:55.120 manifest itself because we start to operate based on that language. So I've chosen because I don't

00:03:02.840 want that negativity in my life to attempt to use better words. Plus, I also think it makes us look

00:03:10.420 less intelligent. If we're dropping swear words and that's the range of our vocabulary, it makes us look

00:03:16.860 less intelligent because we don't have a large vocabulary to draw from. There's better word choices

00:03:22.600 than some of the words that I know I've used in the past and that others use. Also, it shows a level

00:03:28.120 of disrespect for using that kind of language to somebody who maybe doesn't want to hear that

00:03:32.660 language. Now, look, this is where the whole, I don't care what anybody else thinks mentality comes

00:03:37.880 in. That's not true, right? You got a bunch of tough guys on the internet telling you they don't care

00:03:43.440 about what other people think. And to a degree, there's some truth in that. There's some reasons why that

00:03:50.200 might be a mentality that we adopt to a degree, but there are people that I care about and I do care

00:03:58.380 about what they think of me because I'm trying to serve them and I'm trying to lead them. I care,

00:04:04.220 for example, what my wife thinks about me. I care, for example, what my children think about me.

00:04:08.620 I care what you guys think because I am trying to be influential in people's lives. And if I'm using

00:04:14.520 language that doesn't resonate with my audience, whether it's my wife or my children or my friends or even

00:04:18.780 you, then I'm not showing any respect to the relationship that we have in whatever capacity

00:04:25.460 that looks like. So I am attempting, again, I'm not perfect at this. I am attempting to let go of

00:04:31.240 negative language, to let go of the swearing and use different language that's going to convey and

00:04:37.800 communicate my message in a more powerful, constructive, and influential way because that's

00:04:43.820 ultimately what I want. I do want to influence my wife and children. I do want to influence my

00:04:49.140 friends. I do want to influence you. I know there's a negative connotation with that at times,

00:04:54.000 but there's nothing wrong with influence, especially if you're influencing people to make

00:04:58.720 good decisions that will move them in a better direction. So it is very crucial. Now, outside of

00:05:05.460 what we vocalize and the way we communicate that to others, there's language that we use with

00:05:09.420 ourselves. And oftentimes this is so subconscious that we don't even know we're doing it. What do you

00:05:16.920 think about yourself and who you are as a man? Do you call yourself a loser? Do you call yourself a 0.97

00:05:24.500 failure? What is it that your internal dialogue with yourself is saying about you? Because if you're

00:05:31.600 using that type of language, then it is going to be self-fulfilling prophecy. If you say, I am a failure,

00:05:37.540 and that's what you're focusing on through your non-verbalized communication and the conversations

00:05:41.520 you're having with yourself, so to speak, you are going to do things that are going to cause you to

00:05:46.320 fail. If you call yourself a loser, you're going to look for elements in your life that prove to

00:05:53.920 yourself that you are in fact a loser. Several weeks ago, I had a good friend of mine, Brett Bartholomew, 0.95

00:06:00.080 on the podcast, and he does a lot of leadership coaching. And part of that is communication,

00:06:04.280 obviously. And he does an interesting exercise with his clients and the people that he's teaching,

00:06:10.260 including those on his team. He has people write down their negative thoughts about themselves.

00:06:16.220 I'm a loser. I'm a failure. I'm no good. I don't deserve this. I'm an a-hole, et cetera, et cetera. 1.00

00:06:24.240 Has them write that down. Then he pairs those people up with a partner and he sits them at a table

00:06:29.360 face-to-face. And he says, now I want you to take that language that you speak to yourself

00:06:34.420 about and I want you to vocalize that and direct that at another person. And it's no surprise that

00:06:41.680 most people have an extremely difficult time doing that. Oh man, I would never say this to somebody

00:06:47.900 else. I would never treat somebody else that way. I don't want them to feel bad. And yet we're so

00:06:52.580 willing to do it to ourselves. Now, I believe that we should be our harshest critic. I believe that we

00:06:58.240 should be holding ourselves to a high standard, but that's different than using language and

00:07:03.400 thoughts and ideas that continually beat you down to the point where you begin to fulfill

00:07:08.860 some of the things that you say about yourself. Instead of doing that, what I would suggest is

00:07:14.040 that you're not a loser. Maybe you've lost. Maybe you've failed. I certainly have. Does that qualify 0.75

00:07:21.180 us as this eternal perpetual loser? No, it means we've lost. And instead of having attitude about

00:07:28.000 that, let's replace that with, hey, I lost. What can I learn from this? What can I change?

00:07:34.520 And how can I be better in my life? Or rather than focusing so heavily on the negativity and

00:07:39.160 what we didn't do and what we didn't accomplish and how we failed, focus on the things that we

00:07:43.440 have done well. The places in life where we do succeed, where we do thrive, where we are

00:07:48.160 capable and proficient, and then translate that into areas that we may need some shoring up.

00:07:52.900 But guys, it is crucial, crucial that we learn to vocalize our thoughts in a constructive,

00:08:00.140 healthy way, positive, encouraging, uplifting way. And I'm not saying we have to walk around

00:08:06.160 pretending that everything is fine. You can have issues. You can have problems. You can have even

00:08:11.820 disagreements. But we do need to work on doing this with a level of respect towards other people

00:08:17.400 and a level of respect towards ourselves. So let's talk about five key points that I've been

00:08:22.420 using personally that have helped me clean up my language a little bit is number one is I think

00:08:28.320 it's very important that we know what our intent is with our language. Not very many people think

00:08:35.820 about this. They just blurt out whatever comes to mind, regardless of how somebody else might interpret

00:08:41.520 it, regardless of how it might make them look. And it lacks intentionality. But do you know what

00:08:50.140 your intent is in sharing a message? I know what my intent is here. It's to articulate points and

00:08:57.300 concepts and theories and ideas and practices that are going to serve you and help you become a better

00:09:02.300 man. So what kind of language do I need to use in order to accomplish that task? Now, another thing you

00:09:09.400 might consider is your audience. If I'm talking with construction workers or military men, I might

00:09:15.400 talk differently than I would talk with white-collar workers or medical professionals or children.

00:09:23.600 But the intent is where we start. What is my intent? What do I want to convey? What do I want to

00:09:29.880 communicate? What do I want to share? What do I want people to walk away with? And then once we know what

00:09:34.920 our intent is, we can work backwards in the type of language that we can use. Not just whether or not

00:09:40.860 we swear, but what story should we share with a construction worker versus what anecdote might I

00:09:46.560 share with a medical professional? They're going to be different. But the first point is to always

00:09:51.760 know your intent. And I would also say knowing your audience. Number two is think about the information

00:09:58.920 that you consume. I've had guys on the podcast and there's some guys that I really admire, that I

00:10:06.560 really respect, that have a lot of valuable information to share. And yet they drop the F-bomb

00:10:14.060 in every other word. Now, I'm not one of these guys who's overly sensitive where I might call that guy

00:10:20.860 out in public or never listen to a person's message. But I can't help but think how much more powerful

00:10:27.820 their language would be, their message would be if they were a little bit more intentional

00:10:35.700 about swearing or about F-bombs. Now, look, again, it's their prerogative. And if they believe that

00:10:42.600 that helps them and they're intentional about it, then all the power to them. But I think using swear

00:10:47.900 words over and over again, the same one word or a verb, a noun, all the adjective, and it's the one

00:10:55.340 word. Really, that's the depth, that's the range of your vocabulary and how distracting is it from

00:11:02.140 your actual message. But it is very important in what we consume because what we consume is going to

00:11:09.480 begin to manifest itself in our lives. I remember years ago, I was in my financial services planning

00:11:16.620 practice, just getting off the ground. And Ed Milet was an early mentor of mine. And I would take his

00:11:22.720 CDs, yes, CDs at the time. And in between appointments, as I was driving to and from

00:11:27.640 different appointments, I would put his sales CD in and I would get motivated and hyped up and

00:11:32.720 inspired. And I remember one day, I was having a conversation with my wife and she stopped me and

00:11:38.200 she said, you sound so much like Ed Milet right now. Of course, I do because that's the information

00:11:44.600 that I was consuming. So you better be careful of what's going into your brain because you are going

00:11:49.600 to start parroting that information that you consume. Garbage in, garbage out. Good information 1.00

00:11:55.760 in, good information out. It's just the way it works. It's like a recipe. If you put crappy food

00:12:01.980 into the ingredients, the final result is probably not going to be delicious. But if you use the best

00:12:09.700 ingredients, the best quality in the right quantity, and you do that in the right order, you're going to

00:12:14.520 have a delicious meal in front of you. It's the same thing with your language. If you're listening to

00:12:18.600 music that's derogatory towards women, that glorifies violence and degeneracy, is it any

00:12:27.540 wonder that we start to navigate towards these own behaviors in our lives? If on the other hand,

00:12:32.940 you're listening to music that is inspiring, that is motivating, that is positive and encouraging and

00:12:37.960 uplifting, you're watching shows that have a good, wholesome message behind that encourages and

00:12:44.060 fosters virtue and honor, then these are the kinds of things that we're going to start navigating

00:12:50.300 towards. So be very, very careful about what goes in, in the six inches between our ears, because I'm

00:12:56.860 telling you what, what you consume eventually becomes what you think about and what you think about

00:13:03.500 eventually becomes what you do and what you play out in life.

00:13:07.840 Number three, this one has been a challenge for me. I have to slow down. Even now you might be

00:13:16.660 listening to this and thinking, Oh my goodness, Ryan's talking so fast. And I am, I am going to

00:13:21.100 be working on slowing down my tempo, my pace, because it gives us time to think about what words we should

00:13:29.600 use. If I'm rattling a hundred words per minute, not only am I stumbling over my words, but I might just

00:13:36.000 be tempted to use language. That's a default. That's not as intelligent as different language

00:13:40.560 that I could be using. So slow down. This is what I'm working on. Pace yourself. Think about what's

00:13:48.000 being said, be more deliberate, be more intentional, be more clear about what you're saying, what it's

00:13:54.940 communicating. And by the way, that's a great thing about slowing down is when you slow down, it gives

00:14:00.220 yourself time to evaluate how people are responding. Now, most of the time it's going to be

00:14:06.480 nonverbal, but if you're just rattling all the words off as fast as you possibly can, there's no

00:14:12.140 time to process the response from others. But if you slow down the tempo, you slow down the pace,

00:14:19.420 you think about the words you're using, you're very intentional about what you're saying. You can then

00:14:24.760 begin to see this person is resonating with this through their body language, or even through their

00:14:29.160 vocalized comments. You can see what they're not resonating with. You can see when they're

00:14:33.460 engaged. You can see when they're disengaged. Jordan Peterson says, be precise with your language.

00:14:38.880 He is. Think about his range of vocabulary and think about how much his message spreads.

00:14:46.080 Sometimes it gets a little rambling. It gets a little long. You can almost hear him thinking as

00:14:51.600 he's talking, but he is precise with his language. And if he messes up, he says, no, that's not the

00:14:57.340 right phrase or not the right word. Here's a better word for it. And that's something I think

00:15:02.080 most of us should strive to do better with. Slow down, guys. Take a breath. Again, this is what

00:15:07.400 I'm working on. And let's be intentional about what we're using. Number four, inventory. All right,

00:15:14.220 inventory. If you're doing a presentation or a speech or standing up in front of your employees

00:15:22.660 and communicating a message or doing a podcast like this or recording a video, I think it's a pretty

00:15:29.260 good exercise to go back and to listen to your words with a critical ear. Objectively, listen.

00:15:38.400 Is the words I'm using conveying the message that I want? And if it isn't, that's okay, but we need to

00:15:47.860 inventory the language so that we can make better choices moving forward. I do that on the podcast

00:15:54.740 all the time. People make fun of me. You listen to your own podcast? Yes, I do listen because I'm

00:15:59.860 listening for the language I'm using. I'm listening for questions I'm asking. I'm listening for questions

00:16:05.400 that I may have missed or routes and avenues and veins of the conversation I should have explored.

00:16:10.680 I'm listening with a critical ear, but I'm also very aware of what I tell myself.

00:16:16.500 I've talked quite a bit about journaling lately and one journal entry because a lot of people like

00:16:22.420 prompts is what was your attitude today? What was the language that you said about yourself?

00:16:30.100 How did you describe yourself to yourself? Did you encourage and bolster and foster

00:16:36.760 growth and expansion and positivity for yourself? Or did you demean and demoralize and diminish

00:16:42.700 who you are as a person? Write that stuff down. The more we can get an intentional and clear about

00:16:48.600 it, the more precise our language can be. And we can be deliberate about whether or not we're being

00:16:54.540 positive or negative in our lives. And of course, the results that come from. And guys, the last one

00:16:59.840 here that I have for you is to expand your vocabulary, right? If you're dropping the F bomb, every other

00:17:05.020 word, I'm not going to say you're not intelligent, but you're not showing your intelligence. You know,

00:17:11.340 my six-year-old, his vocabulary is significantly less than my vocabulary. And that's okay because he's

00:17:20.000 six. But if you're 40 years old and you have to interject two or three swear words over and over

00:17:28.700 again, every other word, it's so distracting. It diminishes what you're trying to do. And it makes

00:17:37.540 us look kind of foolish. But imagine on the other hand, if you had a precise word for every experience 0.87

00:17:47.180 that you had or every feeling that you were experiencing at the time and you expanded your

00:17:54.020 vocabulary. That's why guys like Jordan Peterson are so compelling because of their vocabulary.

00:18:01.200 Andrew Huberman, another one, obviously well-researched, obviously very intelligent.

00:18:06.300 And he communicates that. He conveys that as he's sharing his message. Ben Shapiro, Matt Walsh.

00:18:13.380 And these are guys that maybe you agree with or disagree with, but I don't think that we can

00:18:17.460 disagree that they have a wide range of local tools at their disposal that they've cultivated over time

00:18:25.880 in order to convey their message, whether you agree with it or not. So guys, let's expand our

00:18:31.800 vocabulary. And how do you do that? Well, like I said earlier, you have to think about the information

00:18:37.340 that you're consuming. What books are you reading? That's going to expand your vocabulary.

00:18:43.380 What music are you listening to? What podcasts are you consuming? What YouTube videos are you

00:18:52.220 watching? Because that is going to be how you show up. So expand your vocabulary by being deliberate

00:19:00.540 and intentional about the words and information that's going into our brain. Guys, I realized as I'm

00:19:06.520 talking about this, that it may not seem like a big deal. And I believe the reason we may not

00:19:13.220 think it's a big deal is because this is something that we do every day and we don't pay a whole lot

00:19:17.540 of attention to, but I'm telling you what, if we can pay attention to the way that we communicate

00:19:22.420 with ourselves and with others, we are going to build so much more credibility, which is going to

00:19:28.020 drive so many more people into positive action. That's going to improve their lives. Imagine a father

00:19:34.440 yelling at his children, cursing, swear words, negativity, hostility, demeaning language.

00:19:41.440 Now imagine on the other hand, a father who is engaged, intentional about the words that he's

00:19:48.220 using, has a large vocabulary to draw from, is using positive, encouraging, uplifting words.

00:19:56.100 How is that going to rub off on a child? We know the answer. We 100% know the answer.

00:20:02.340 And yet we tend to, as men, overlook it because A, we don't care. Or B, we might think it's

00:20:09.700 unimportant. It's not. It's crucial. So I'm going to challenge you and encourage you to join me in our

00:20:18.940 quest, if you will, to eliminate some of the swearing, to think about the negativity in our words,

00:20:29.360 even the tempo and the speed and the pace and the way in which we deliver our message and be more

00:20:36.260 intentional about that, be more positive about that, expand our vocabularies and really work

00:20:41.360 on using language as a tool. And guys, it is a tool. It's all it is. It's a tool. And words are

00:20:48.160 powerful. They can hurt people. They can uplift people. We know they're powerful. So let's use them

00:20:55.040 correctly. In fact, I'll say this is a lot like style. I've got a friend, Tanner Guzzi has been

00:20:59.520 on the podcast several times. And it's amazing to me how many men are either ignorant to, or unwilling 0.96

00:21:07.480 to consider that maybe they ought to improve their style because men don't worry about that. Well, look, 0.96

00:21:16.440 your style is a tool and you could ignore it and you can go with a status quo. But I'm telling you

00:21:23.580 what the guy that cares about his appearance and continually works to improve it has another tool

00:21:29.680 that's going to help him build influence, credibility, and authority. The same as our

00:21:33.520 words. So guys, I hope that helps. Let me know what you think about the podcast. Drop it in the

00:21:37.420 comments below. If you're on YouTube, which you can check out at order of man, if you're not watching

00:21:41.360 or wherever you're listening, please, if you would leave me a rating and review, connect with me on

00:21:46.560 instant, instant, Instagram at Ryan Michler, take a screenshot, share this with somebody who needs to

00:21:53.060 hear it. And then also want to let you know in about a week and a half, we're opening up our

00:21:58.020 exclusive brotherhood, the iron council. This has been going for about seven years. We're opening up

00:22:04.200 for the first time since December. So if you're interested, head to order of man.com slash iron

00:22:10.080 council. You can watch a video, learn more about what we do inside of the brotherhood, the iron

00:22:14.200 council, and get signed up to be notified when we open it up March 15th. All right, guys, that's what

00:22:20.460 I've got for you today. Go out there, take action, use words to your benefit, become the

00:22:24.960 man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to

00:22:29.960 take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join

00:22:34.320 the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - March 03, 2023

Mind Your Tongue ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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