Order of Man - Navigating a New Divorce ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 Face reality. Start budgeting. Look at how much based on your attorney, how much you're going to

00:00:04.260 pay in child support or alimony or how much of the 401k is going away. Look at how you're dividing

00:00:09.060 up the assets. What assets need to be sold? Like figure all of this stuff out. And then on the

00:00:14.800 tail end of that, once you start doing that, you're going to do some budgeting, making sure

00:00:18.020 that you're spending significantly less than you were before because your income was cut in half.

00:00:22.020 And then also, and I would say this is maybe the later stages of that, is what can you do

00:00:27.580 to increase your income? You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears

00:00:34.660 and boldly chart your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time

00:00:40.820 you are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is

00:00:47.800 who you are. This is who you will become at the end of the day. And after all is said and done,

00:00:53.100 you can call yourself a man. I've been very vocal about my own divorce. And I know firsthand

00:01:00.560 how difficult and challenging it can be when the person that you love is no longer interested in

00:01:06.760 having a relationship with you. That can be devastating to a lot of men. And in a lot of

00:01:11.020 ways it is. And in a lot of ways it presents new opportunities, opportunities for you to grow and to

00:01:17.140 mature and to learn the lessons that you need to learn. So that if you're able to salvage your

00:01:23.000 marriage and continue in that relationship, it will be better, or it will be that much better for

00:01:27.880 the next woman who will inevitably come into your life. But as I said, it's a very difficult time,

00:01:34.080 especially in the early stages. And so what I wanted to share with you today, and I am by no means an

00:01:40.320 expert on this. All that I want to share with you today are some things that I've learned

00:01:43.940 through the early stages of my own divorce. And my goal is to help you. If I can share one or two

00:01:51.400 little snippets of information that are going to serve you as you navigate this difficult and

00:01:56.180 challenging time, then great. And if it doesn't, well, that's too bad. But eventually and hopefully

00:02:03.040 you'll see that you can be better, that you can improve, that life will ultimately get better,

00:02:09.140 and you could actually come out a better person, a better man, and be in a much better position

00:02:14.720 than you might be experiencing today. So what I thought I would do is share with you five things

00:02:20.680 that I've learned to do as you're navigating the early stages of a divorce. And then I want to talk

00:02:26.600 about a handful of things that you should not do. So these are some do's and some don'ts. And again,

00:02:32.180 hopefully this serves you. Take it with a grain of salt. I think you'll probably agree on some of

00:02:36.740 these and maybe some of them you'll question, but ultimately this should be a discussion worth

00:02:41.300 having. Now, let me say this. I don't advocate for divorce. I think there's probably situations

00:02:45.860 where it makes sense, but ultimately I would suggest that if you can, that you keep your family

00:02:52.780 together. Ultimately, that's the goal. And so I'm not by any means championing divorce or anything

00:02:58.420 like that. As I talk about these things, I'm just talking about the inevitable situation

00:03:02.080 that some of us may find ourselves in, whether it's from our own making or events completely

00:03:07.720 beyond our control. So let's get into it. Number one is do nothing. Sometimes it's best

00:03:13.080 to do nothing. And I don't mean be lazy. I don't mean shirk your responsibilities. I don't

00:03:19.120 mean any of that at all. When I say do nothing, I mean, don't try to fix the situation and rush

00:03:26.480 to playing hero either to your wife or your ex-wife or even your kids or yourself. You're

00:03:32.860 in a emotionally compromised state right now. And as you know, anytime that we are emotional,

00:03:39.220 we tend to make rash decisions, decisions that aren't always logical. They seem like they

00:03:45.040 might be a good idea at the time. And then when we're in a more level-headed, clear space,

00:03:49.920 we realize that was a dumb thing to do. So don't try to fix everything all at once. You're

00:03:55.940 probably emotionally, mentally exhausted. You're probably not thinking real clearly right

00:04:03.060 now because you are so emotionally compromised and rightfully so. And I don't want you to

00:04:09.120 try to fix things because you're not thinking from a clear place. Allow the dust to settle.

00:04:14.800 Know that it will. Give yourself some grace, even if you feel like it was your fault. For example,

00:04:20.020 a lot of men talk with me who have cheated on their spouse. Well, that was your fault. You made

00:04:26.920 the decision to do that and we can address that and you ought to address that. But even still,

00:04:32.820 allow the dust to settle. Allow everything to just calm down so that you can start thinking more

00:04:39.780 clearly about this. I know it's much easier said than done. So I'm sure there'll be a lot of comments

00:04:45.900 on YouTube that say, oh, well, it's easy for you to say. It is easy for me to say, but it certainly

00:04:51.120 wasn't easy for me to do as I was going through it in my own divorce. So I'm not just speaking out of

00:04:56.180 my butt here. I'm actually speaking from some experience in this. And when the world seems to 0.99

00:05:03.400 be crumbling around you because the woman you love is no longer interested in being in a union with you,

00:05:08.700 uh, it's very difficult, obviously to not want to fix things. And isn't that what we as men want to

00:05:17.240 do? At least it is for me and a large percentage of the men who listen, you see a problem. You want

00:05:22.080 to attack that problem. You want to fix. And what I found is that by doing that in an emotionally

00:05:26.940 compromised, vulnerable state, not only will you not fix the problem, you actually probably will make

00:05:33.040 it worse. You'll make it worse for yourself. You'll make it worse on her. You'll definitely

00:05:38.560 make it worse for any potential chance of reconciliation. So let the dust settle, keep

00:05:44.920 working, keep doing your thing, keep trying to improve. And we'll talk about some more things

00:05:48.480 here. Don't shirk your responsibilities, but don't try to fix everything right now. The time will come

00:05:54.100 for that. Uh, and you know, number two is to take ownership of your part. You really do have to take

00:06:01.540 ownership of what's going on. And a lot of guys will reach out to me and they'll ask, Hey, Ryan,

00:06:05.820 how do I move on? That's one of the most common questions I get about divorce. How do you move on

00:06:11.120 from divorce? Well, I think what I'm going to share with you today will answer this, but the first step

00:06:16.420 is to always take ownership of your part to play. You don't need to take on more than is necessary,

00:06:22.100 but you should be honest about your role in the environment and situation. Now that isn't comfortable.

00:06:27.660 That isn't even easy. Uh, subconsciously you're going to fight against that because it's natural

00:06:33.980 to want to shift blame and put the burden somewhere else. And there is an element of that. And I'm not

00:06:38.960 so ignorant, oblivious to realize that she doesn't have a part to play in it. Of course she does. 0.86

00:06:44.660 She's made decisions too. So, but there's, there isn't anything you can do about her. There's only

00:06:52.220 what you can do about yourself. So take an inventory, you know, maybe it's getting a journal

00:06:58.000 out. Uh, maybe it's talking with some friends or a clergy member, uh, who can, you know, assist

00:07:04.480 you in trying to figure out where you went wrong and what you did wrong and what you wish you would

00:07:09.280 have done differently. These are all valuable exercises. They're very, very uncomfortable because

00:07:14.740 anytime we're talking about the things that we've done wrong, it's, it's just not enjoyable

00:07:20.160 for obvious reasons. So you have to do it though. If you want to speed up this process,

00:07:25.960 cause you're eventually going to get through this. All right. Know that as long as you don't

00:07:29.440 kill yourself. And I'm not even saying that lightly, I'm not mocking that. I'm not saying

00:07:33.600 it lightly because there are plenty of men who do, but as long as you don't end your life,

00:07:37.680 you are going to get through this. I promise you it might take a year, five years, 10 years.

00:07:44.500 I don't think it should take much longer than, you know, six months to a year to move on to some

00:07:51.320 degree with your life. And that's not to say you'll be completely over what may have happened,

00:07:55.060 but you got to move on with your life. I want that to happen as quickly as possible,

00:08:00.720 not in an unhealthy way. We're actually going to address our problems, but making sure that you do

00:08:06.580 the heavy lifting upfront. Once the dust has settled and you start thinking about your contribution

00:08:11.840 to the demise of your relationship, you're actually now standing on a sure footing where you can do

00:08:17.460 the rest of the work that's required. And there is a lot of work on your part that you're going to

00:08:21.900 need to do in order to navigate this new divorce that you find yourself in or have created for

00:08:26.300 yourself. So again, number one, doing nothing. And then number two is taking ownership of your part

00:08:32.600 of the equation and write down everything. Was it infidelity? Was it alcoholism, drug abuse? Was it

00:08:39.760 insecurities that you dumped on her? Was it, was it yelling or intolerance, impatient? Was it

00:08:47.240 complacency where you no longer courted her and did the things that you first did when you started

00:08:53.000 dating? These are the things that you need to know. And the sooner you know them, the better off

00:08:57.100 you're going to be. I would also say as something that I didn't write down on here, but I really want

00:09:02.940 to make sure I'm clear about, and this even comes before do nothing is for a lot of scenarios. When

00:09:09.560 I hear guys reach out to me asking about how to navigate their divorce, my first response is

00:09:14.580 typically hire an attorney. You have to protect yourself. Okay. You're going to go into a battle

00:09:22.220 and unless you know everything there is to know about the battle you're engaging in, you're probably

00:09:27.040 going to come out with, with not favorable circumstances and conditions for you. The family

00:09:32.800 court system is stacked against men. I actually believe there's an agenda to dismantle the nuclear 0.87

00:09:38.840 family. And I think taking men out of the home is a very powerful way to reduce sovereignty and any sort

00:09:47.540 of friction or resistance to our government being in complete control of every aspect of our lives.

00:09:55.660 So they want men out of the household. They don't want men sitting at the head of their homes. 1.00

00:10:00.940 They don't want men and women bonding together, together in one monogamous relationship, having 0.89

00:10:07.580 multiple four or five, six children. They don't want that because it represents a threat to their power

00:10:13.120 hold. So there is an active agenda being waged against men in the family court system. And unless you

00:10:21.200 get a great ally and an attorney, you're going to have a hard time navigating this, but you have

00:10:26.760 rights. You have financial rights. You have rights with regards to how often you see your children. These

00:10:34.700 are things that you should fight for, if not for you, for your kids and for your future. So don't roll

00:10:41.200 over. And I've seen guys do that. Oh man, they just, it's so, it's, I hate to use the word pathetic,

00:10:48.260 but it really is. I know, again, you're in a vulnerable position, but if you're faced with the 0.95

00:10:55.440 potential divorce that we're talking about here, don't roll over. Don't say, oh, she can have 1.00

00:11:02.360 everything and leave the house and do all these things that men do because you just, you're going to

00:11:07.460 put yourself in a bad position. I'm not suggesting that you need to go to war with her, that you need

00:11:12.980 to be not civil with her or respectful or treat her with some sort of respect and dignity. Of course,

00:11:19.780 sure, you should do those things, but also don't cower. You have rights, your children have rights,

00:11:27.300 and you need to fight for those rights. Even if the relationship demise was entirely your fault,

00:11:32.460 it wasn't by the way, but even if you think it was, you still have rights and you ought to be able

00:11:38.000 to protect those things. So it's a lawyer up. Okay. So we have lawyer up, do nothing, take ownership

00:11:44.280 of your part. The next thing is to learn the lessons that need to be learned. Okay. Now you have some

00:11:48.760 ownership of what you've done again, complacency, substance abuse, infidelity issues, physical abuse,

00:11:59.220 emotional abuse. There's all sorts of things that you could have engaged in that created this

00:12:04.540 situation for you. Well, now what you really need to do is ask yourself, how did you get to this point?

00:12:10.180 You know, if you're emotionally or physically abusive, why, where were those behaviors learned?

00:12:16.700 Why, why do you turn to those things? Why are you an angry person? The more you can start to unravel

00:12:22.100 the history behind the way you act, the more likely it is that you can address it appropriately.

00:12:27.420 If you know that you come from a broken family where your dad used to physically and emotionally

00:12:33.480 and verbally abuse your mom and you and your siblings, the likelihood of you engaging in that

00:12:38.960 behavior is of course, significantly higher. That's what you're modeling. So I think it's a pretty good

00:12:44.860 idea to understand where that comes from so that you can more accurately address and deal with the

00:12:51.060 issues that you have. I think getting a therapist involved, not necessarily for the relationship,

00:12:56.620 especially if you're already in the divorce, but to help you navigate some of this stuff.

00:13:01.080 There's a lot of insecurities that come up. There's a lot of fears and doubts that come up.

00:13:07.520 There's a lot of attachment disorders, I would say, like being overly anxious attached or even being

00:13:15.260 a passive attachment where, you know, you completely run away from anything that might scare you,

00:13:22.560 even subconsciously. And that's the real trick is that a lot of this stuff is subconscious.

00:13:27.620 Your behaviors are your behaviors for a reason. And for the most part, we don't really know why

00:13:34.180 we do the things that we do. We don't know why we think a certain way about a thing, unless you're

00:13:38.640 very deliberate and intentional about it. You're behaving based on a set of scripts that you've adopted

00:13:44.100 as early as three, four, five years old, because that was what was modeled to you. So if you can work

00:13:50.460 with a professional who can actually help you navigate some of these thoughts and ideas and

00:13:54.660 behaviors, then you're going to learn the lessons that need to be learned so that when you move into

00:13:59.420 your next relationship, again, whether it's reconciliation with your ex or an entirely new

00:14:05.100 relationship, you're not going to find yourself in the same position. And I don't have the exact stats,

00:14:10.140 but we've all heard the numbers like, you know, 50% of marriages end in divorce. And I don't think

00:14:15.840 that's entirely accurate, but let's use that for the sake of argument because it'll prove the point.

00:14:19.760 And then of those 50% of people who divorced their second marriages are upwards of 70% of those

00:14:27.060 marriages fail. So the likelihood of you getting into another relationship that's going to fail is

00:14:33.840 significantly higher than the first one failing. And part of the reason is, is because so many men 0.97

00:14:40.120 don't learn the lessons that they need to learn. And they take that same mentality and the same set

00:14:46.320 of behaviors and actions into the next relationship, thinking that the problem was the wrong woman.

00:14:53.540 Oh, you know, our marriage fell apart because she, this, she, that she didn't do this. She didn't do 0.99

00:14:58.000 that. And they get into the next relationship, which all seems fine and great while you're courting and

00:15:02.880 dating. And then you start engaging in the same behaviors, the same mindset, all the same processes,

00:15:08.380 and then realize this woman's just like the other. Well, that's not entirely true. You are the lowest 0.99

00:15:14.640 common denominator in this equation. You are the only thing that's common between the two marriages. 1.00

00:15:20.340 So the odds are not that they're the same as the other one, although that might be because again,

00:15:26.000 based on scripts, you might go for that type of woman. Well, the odds are that you actually are the 1.00

00:15:31.500 problem here. And I know that doesn't always sit well, but if you can realize that and figure that

00:15:37.260 out, then you're going to put yourself in a, in a better position to create a new lasting relationship,

00:15:45.880 which ultimately I think is what most of us desire. So what lessons need to be learned?

00:15:51.420 What insecurities, where is this stuff coming from? And then most importantly, how are you going to

00:15:56.160 implement it in your life? So the next one here, this is where we start to actually address some

00:16:01.620 of the problems. So I told you to do nothing, to lawyer up, to do nothing, to take ownership of

00:16:06.140 your part in the equation, to learn the lessons that need to be learned, figure out where they come

00:16:10.600 from. Now, what do we do? Well, this is where you start to go to work. And guys, your sole objective

00:16:16.460 at this point, and this excludes making sure that you continue to be a good father to your kids.

00:16:22.140 I hope that goes without saying that's a given, of course, you need to continue to be a great

00:16:27.740 father for them. You need to provide for them. Those are all givens. But the next thing you need

00:16:32.700 to do is you need to make yourself the project. This is where so many men get hung up. They start 0.54

00:16:39.280 worrying about her, what she did, what she didn't do, what she could have done differently, or maybe

00:16:44.220 she gets into dating somebody else. And then they become fixated on how she's moving on and why is she

00:16:51.920 doing this? And how could she do this to you? And all the other thoughts that run through our heads,

00:16:56.140 they've run through mine as well. These thoughts of doubt and fear and insecurity and worry and concern,

00:17:02.040 which is just raising cortisol levels and making you a miserable person, not just miserable to be

00:17:08.280 around, but miserable for yourself. So guys, you need to realize that at this stage in the divorce,

00:17:15.800 you are the project. You know, how many of us feel so much better when we work on a project around the

00:17:22.300 house? Maybe we want to build a new shelf or we want to change the oil in the truck or prune the

00:17:28.820 trees outside or even mow the lawn. Anytime we as men are productive, we feel better. It's chemicals

00:17:35.200 that are released in our bodies, but ultimately it gives us a sense of pride and satisfaction

00:17:40.680 and enhances our lives. The same can be true for you if you make yourself the project. So ask yourself

00:17:47.240 in the realms of these areas, number one, mental, two, emotional, three, physical, four, spiritual,

00:17:55.540 and five, financial. So again, mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, financial. Those are the five

00:18:03.240 realms that I would say you look at. And where is the low-hanging fruit? What should you address first?

00:18:10.680 If you're asking me, and a lot of guys do, what they should address first, I typically suggest that

00:18:15.900 you start fixing your body because it is the most tangible. It's in many ways the easiest thing to do

00:18:24.720 and it will also produce tangible results that are going to help you build some momentum

00:18:31.900 and some confidence, which will naturally improve your mental state, your emotional state,

00:18:39.560 and also give you energy, which improves your financial state. So it just, it helps with

00:18:44.300 everything. And it's very easy just to go get a gym membership and start doing that. It's very easy

00:18:50.140 to cut out processed sugars. These things can take place today and you'll actually start to notice

00:18:56.600 results, especially for men. You'll notice results in the first week. You won't feel so bloated.

00:19:02.900 You won't feel so sluggish. Your digestive system will start working better than it has

00:19:08.920 in the past. You'll start to shed the pounds. You'll start to walk with a little bit more hop

00:19:14.780 in your step. You'll definitely have a lot more energy. You'll feel it almost immediately.

00:19:19.700 So go to work on yourself. If you're an extra 30 or 40 or 50 or a hundred or more pounds overweight,

00:19:25.560 and you're going through a divorce, man, rather than focusing on all this other stuff and what she did

00:19:30.620 and didn't do and all these things that naturally will have to come up, go to the gym, lock in your

00:19:36.920 diet. When it comes to your emotional and mental wellbeing, mental is doing difficult things. And

00:19:43.620 the gym actually hits on that. It's creating discipline and willpower. It's doing things that

00:19:49.800 you know are right for you and delaying gratification and putting in a hard effort.

00:19:54.460 making things in your life. I wouldn't say making them more challenging, but tackling the challenging

00:20:01.840 things. For example, if public speaking has always been something that you know you've wanted to do,

00:20:07.680 but you've always really been concerned with speaking in public, well, then that might be

00:20:12.760 something that's a challenge worthy of pursuit. And that's going to develop and build your mental

00:20:17.500 fortitude. When it comes to emotional, we talked about seeking therapy and seeking help,

00:20:21.900 but I would also suggest that you have a group of friends who you can rely on and lean on. And

00:20:26.960 maybe you talk about this stuff and maybe you don't, you know, we, as men don't always need

00:20:31.480 to talk about the issues. The running joke is that when a man goes out to see his buddies, his wife

00:20:37.540 will, will say, Hey, how is John? What's new in his life? And you're like, I don't know. He's like,

00:20:42.320 well, how's their baby? I don't know. What's the baby's name? I don't know. What does he do for

00:20:46.180 work? Didn't he get a new job? I don't know. Did he get fired? I don't know. And then she asked,

00:20:50.600 like, what are you guys talking about? We're talking about other stuff. Men don't relate 0.98

00:20:57.140 to men the same way that women relate to women. And so I don't really need to know what your baby's

00:21:01.880 name is. I, in fact, I really don't care, but there are things that I do care about. And there

00:21:08.420 are things that we do address and talk about. And sometimes it's going to be how hard your new

00:21:14.280 divorce is. And other times it's going to be, you know, what about that favorite sports team of ours?

00:21:19.200 And that's all that you guys talk about, but that will definitely improve your mental state.

00:21:24.540 Now, when you're going through a new divorce, it's very difficult to want to go out and be social.

00:21:29.880 Sometimes we just want to hole up. We want to hide from the world. We don't, we don't want to

00:21:34.920 answer questions. I've been there. You know, I'll, I'll, I'll know that I'm going out with friends and

00:21:39.940 they know my circumstance and situation. And I really don't want to be peppered with questions.

00:21:44.840 I don't, I definitely don't want to be like placated to, or a guy's like, Oh, I'm so sorry.

00:21:50.580 And people feel bad for me. I did not want any of that. So if that's the case, then just let your

00:21:57.700 guys know like, Hey guys, look, I want to go out to the game or go to the fights or let's go out and

00:22:03.820 do some UTV riding or mountain biking or whatever it is we're going to do. But I just want to tell you

00:22:08.000 right up front. Like, I don't want to talk about that stuff. And that's fine. There, there is a point

00:22:13.860 in a place where you should, especially amongst your friend group, but you don't always have to talk

00:22:18.440 about it. And if you don't want to address it, you don't want them to pepper you with questions

00:22:21.980 and they don't want, you don't want any of that stuff. Then just tell your guys up front, Hey guys,

00:22:26.040 like, let's just go mountain bike and enjoy it and laugh and banter and, you know, bust each other's 0.98

00:22:31.240 balls. But I'm not interested in talking about the relationship, just heads up. And then if it gets 0.92

00:22:36.540 brought up, just say it again. Hey guys, like, like I said, I don't want to talk. I I'll talk

00:22:40.160 about it with you guys at some point, but man, today is just, let's have fun and enjoy the day.

00:22:43.900 That is perfectly fine. It's perfectly acceptable to do that. At some point you need to address it,

00:22:49.540 but it's okay to disengage from those things. Um, spiritual, you know, if you're a churchgoer or

00:22:55.640 believe in God, delve into that, read the Bible, read books on spirituality. And maybe it's not just

00:23:01.640 Christianity. Maybe it's something else that is appealing to you or, or, or you have a

00:23:06.320 belief in go back to church. These things will do two things. It'll give you a greater sense of

00:23:11.900 purpose and meaning and realize and help you realize that life's not over, that this is just

00:23:18.200 a drop in time. And I'm not discounting the, the, the hurt that you might be experiencing,

00:23:23.400 but it is just a moment in time. And that there's something bigger at play here. There's something

00:23:28.980 grander. There's a purpose, there's a design, there's a reason, and it's going to give you a track,

00:23:34.520 a path to run on. This is why I always balk a little bit when guys say they hate religion.

00:23:39.040 I understand the sentiment, but also I don't entirely agree with it. I think organized religion

00:23:46.320 is actually very important. It's the same reason why we have in some of our groups that we run,

00:23:53.180 we have like the battle planning app. It, we have to have a system because if you don't have a system,

00:23:59.540 then everybody's just doing their own thing. There's no sense of community. There's no sense of

00:24:03.880 congruency or integration with other members of the tribe. And there's no way to determine what

00:24:10.180 works and what doesn't. And I, I look at organized religion very much the same way. It's a system.

00:24:17.220 Now I know there's going to be a lot of people who are going to be upset, maybe by the way I'm

00:24:22.940 explaining it. I realized there's a divine purpose to it. So I'm not even saying it's, it's,

00:24:29.100 uh, it's, it's inferior, a man-made thing. I'm not saying that at all. What I'm saying is that

00:24:34.800 it's a system. It's a set of moral principles that we can adhere to voluntarily that will lead us to a

00:24:42.660 better life. And then there's people in the church and your congregation who are going to hold you

00:24:48.740 accountable to that. And that's the other benefit of being involved in a church organization or

00:24:54.920 community is that you start meeting other people. If you are anything like me and a lot of the guys

00:25:01.400 that I talk with, when they get married, the first thing to go, two things, their own personal hobbies

00:25:06.240 and interests. I'm telling you to work on that now by fixing yourself. And the other thing is their

00:25:10.520 friends because they spend all their time with their spouses and all the time with the kids and the

00:25:15.580 friends just go by the wayside. So if you found yourself in divorce and you don't have any friends,

00:25:21.600 friends, that's a great place to go. Those people will care about you. They believe in the same

00:25:27.260 things. They're following the same system that you want to follow. And so integrating yourself into a

00:25:32.020 congregation like that is a very powerful way to meet new people. And, uh, I think you ought to take

00:25:37.900 advantage of it. Uh, and then the last one I had mentioned is financial, you know, obviously you're

00:25:43.180 going to have big, big financial changes. Maybe you're going to be paying child support. Maybe there's

00:25:48.500 some alimony. You're splitting up assets. Uh, your bank account, isn't going to be as robust as it

00:25:53.420 once was. 401ks are getting split up and we could talk about whether or not that should happen or how

00:25:59.680 much and all that kind of stuff. That's a different discussion. But the truth is the reality is your

00:26:04.600 financial situation is going to be greatly impacted for the next several years, maybe even a decade or

00:26:10.580 longer. So if there was a, if there was a perfect time to start getting your financial house in

00:26:17.960 order, this would be it. And the first thing is to face reality, start budgeting, look at how much

00:26:25.520 based on your attorney, how much you're going to pay in child support or alimony or how much of the

00:26:29.460 401k is going away. Look at how you're dividing up the assets, what, what assets need to be sold,

00:26:35.560 like figure all of this stuff out. And then on the tail end of that, once you start doing that,

00:26:40.500 you're going to do some budgeting, making sure that you're spending significantly less than you

00:26:44.200 were before because your income was cut in half. And then also, and I would say this is maybe the

00:26:50.320 later stages of that is what can you do to increase your income? Because if you're paying your

00:26:57.000 X 2000 or 5000 or 10,000 a month, then you have to replace that with something. So how do you recoup

00:27:06.880 that? Maybe it's a promotion, starting a new business, getting a new job entirely, picking up a

00:27:15.600 second job, starting a little side hustle. These are all different ways. And even looking at ways that

00:27:21.080 you can operate within your current business to do that now. But you have to make more money.

00:27:27.120 And, and I'm an advocate for living within your means. I'm an advocate for paying off consumer

00:27:31.760 debt. That's all, that's all important, but I would call that a defensive strategy.

00:27:36.700 And for any successful team, defense is an integral part of winning, but so is offense.

00:27:42.800 So if you think you're going to create prosperity and abundance in your life by cutting out the 0.94

00:27:47.560 Starbucks coffee that you have every morning, I would say maybe consider that, but that's not going

00:27:53.160 to make you rich and prosperous. In order to be rich and prosperous, you need to develop new skills that

00:27:59.680 people will pay you for handsomely, richly. And then you need to go deploy those skills into the

00:28:05.980 market so that people will pay you. And then you'll be able to build that wealth. So really invest in

00:28:11.560 yourself this way. And again, that goes back to making yourself the project. And guys, the last point

00:28:16.280 before I get into the do nots is get the support that you need. I've already hit on this a couple

00:28:21.640 of times, but I cannot overstate the importance of getting support. Having a therapist, it took me

00:28:29.100 a long time. I was doing some therapy through BetterHelp, but I was just going through the motions

00:28:33.980 and because I was, you know, supposed to do it. I never really felt like I died fully in, but I've got

00:28:40.220 a friend of mine and, uh, we're not real close, but close enough where I know him and I had his number

00:28:45.960 and I knew he was a therapist and I, and I really respected, admired this guy. I see him every week at

00:28:51.040 the gym and, you know, we chat not, not a lot, but we've had conversations, just brief conversations

00:28:55.500 about family and hunting and these sorts of things. And I called him about a month or two ago and I'm like,

00:29:01.020 Hey, look, I need to do this for real. And I've had a lot of success in working with him, um, because of

00:29:08.200 his personality. He's very much like me, very clear cut to the point, very action oriented that

00:29:13.360 works for me. Something else might work for you. So it's okay to try to figure this out over time.

00:29:17.860 And just because you go to one therapist doesn't mean that that's the therapist, like find somebody

00:29:22.440 who's going to work for you, uh, based on your circumstances and personality and objectives.

00:29:28.160 Uh, the other support, and I already talked about this too, is your friend group, develop and build

00:29:33.400 friendships, you know, call old friendships you haven't seen for a while, make new friendships,

00:29:38.880 and by the way, I know I'm not diving deep into some of these aspects, like the financial aspect,

00:29:42.860 the friendship aspect, this stuff's all available on our podcast and on our website.

00:29:48.220 So if you want to go to the website and you're like, Hey, he's talking about finances, but he didn't

00:29:51.660 really cover what I should do. Or he said to start a business, but he didn't tell me how I'm restricted

00:29:57.100 time-wise on this podcast, but you can go to the website and type in business on order of man.com

00:30:04.400 or finance or money or wealth on order of man.com. And articles from the past almost decade now will

00:30:11.980 come up that actually dive deep into each one of these subjects. So that, that information and

00:30:16.680 resources are available. So be aware of that, but get the support you need. Now guys, here's the last

00:30:21.980 thing I'm going to share with you. And these are the do nots. And I'm going to go through these fairly

00:30:25.340 quickly, but it's very, very important that you do not engage in this behavior. Anytime that you

00:30:31.980 engage in this behavior, you're going to make the problem worse. You are not doing yourself any

00:30:37.500 favors. You are not teeing yourself up for maximum opportunities with your kids and your finances. Your

00:30:44.960 attorney is going to hate you because you're not doing what you need to be doing. You're going to

00:30:49.420 jeopardize and alienate the relationship you have with your children. It's not good when you do these

00:30:54.800 things. So please heed this as a word of caution. Number one, do not self-medicate. Okay. Do not

00:31:03.400 self-medicate. Don't, don't drink. Don't do drugs. Don't go gambling. Don't get into porn. Uh, don't go

00:31:14.420 looking for, for sex with random women, trying to fill that, that account. Don't do that. That's all 0.94

00:31:20.840 self-medication stuff. You don't want to deal with the reality of your situation. And I understand not

00:31:26.660 wanting to deal with it. I have been there. I get it. It's painful. We don't want to be mentally and

00:31:34.740 emotionally and physically in that situation. And so we try to self-medicate through drug abuse,

00:31:40.360 through behaviors, through other women and getting the validation that we want by putting another notch 1.00

00:31:46.060 on the belt, all these sorts of things that guys do don't engage in that behavior. The more you can

00:31:51.680 sit in what you're currently dealing with and address it appropriately, the faster you're going

00:31:56.700 to get out of it. But if you engage in this self-medicating behavior, yeah, it's going to feel

00:32:03.000 better now, or at least it's not going to make it feel as bad as it might currently be, but it will

00:32:08.440 extend the life of your getting over this process. And inevitably you're going to have to deal with

00:32:16.740 it and confront it. But if you're self-medicating, it's going to be worse down the road. Number two,

00:32:22.840 do not fixate on her. You've got to be done with the relationship. It's over. It is done and over. And even

00:32:30.720 if it isn't over, meaning there's a chance of reconciliation, the more that you fixate on her, the more you're

00:32:38.220 going to drive her away. I already told you, make yourself the project. Don't chase her. Don't call

00:32:44.740 her relentlessly. Don't hound her. Don't drive by her place. Don't go to her work. Heaven forbid,

00:32:52.180 don't stalk her. Don't do anything illegal. These are the things you need to avoid. And I know maybe if

00:33:02.580 you're in a rational place, this sounds silly. It sounds ridiculous. But when you're not thinking 0.99

00:33:07.980 clearly because you're so emotionally vested in what's happening, I already told you, we do dumb 0.97

00:33:13.780 things. Do not fixate on her. It's her life. She can do what she wants to do with it. You are no longer

00:33:22.440 part of it. I understand that is uncomfortable. I understand it's harsh, even maybe. I don't think

00:33:29.740 it's harsh, but it might sound harsh. And it's not easy to confront. But this relationship is done.

00:33:36.440 So what she does with her life is no longer of concern to you unless it impacts your personal

00:33:44.380 situation. For example, with the kids, finances, again, that's why you bring an attorney in. So all

00:33:49.980 of the things I'm sharing with you are working harmoniously together. You have to do all of these

00:33:54.960 things. You can't just do one of them. But don't fixate on her. Number three, don't compound the

00:34:01.140 problems. Again, if you're engaged in certain behavior, maybe it's mental, emotional, verbal,

00:34:07.160 physical abuse, don't continue to do that behavior. If you're drinking excessively and that caused some

00:34:13.860 problems in the marriage, then that's probably something that you should stop doing. That was

00:34:20.320 part of the situation with my marriage. So that part of my chapter of my life is closed. I don't engage

00:34:26.980 in that behavior for that reason. I don't want to compound the problems. As the saying goes,

00:34:33.100 if you find yourself in a hole that you want to get out of, the first step is to stop digging.

00:34:38.840 So guys, we're not going to do dumb things and we're not going to compound the problem.

00:34:42.940 Another thing I see a lot of guys do is they try to make their ex-wife's life hell. And I understand

00:34:49.560 if she's making your life hell, if it's been really painful, if she's being manipulative,

00:34:55.060 if she's using and wielding the kids against you, I understand all that. Fortunately, I didn't have

00:35:01.240 to deal with that personally, but I've seen so many men go through it. And so in order to get back,

00:35:06.920 they try to make her life hell. And if you have an attorney, he's going to appreciate what I'm

00:35:13.320 telling you right now. Don't make it worse. Don't go get yourself a restraining order because that's

00:35:19.520 going to be used against you when it comes to the custody arrangement with your kids.

00:35:24.720 Be smart, be intelligent, be patient. This is a battle. It may not be one that you want to engage

00:35:31.140 in, but you found yourself here. So now you have to deal in reality. Do not compound the problem.

00:35:37.040 And then the last point here, and I want to drive this home, do not end your life.

00:35:41.820 Do not. I know it's painful. I know it's probably the worst time in your life. I really do.

00:35:52.520 When I say that, I can feel it because I was there. I'm not there now, but I was there. And I know how

00:35:59.580 dark and desperate and scary and sad it is. I was all of those things, but it's going to get better.

00:36:09.340 You're going to get on top of things. Your financial arrangement will work itself out if you do the

00:36:17.380 work. You will be able to, again, if you do the work, be able to maintain the relationship that you

00:36:24.260 have with the kids. You can protect your rights if you do the things like I'm talking with regards to

00:36:29.280 hiring an attorney. Life's going to get better. I know it doesn't feel like this right now. You might

00:36:35.600 feel like it's the end of the world. You might feel like the biggest failure. That's how I felt.

00:36:39.340 And I did fail. I want to be clear about that. Again, we're operating in reality here. I did fail

00:36:44.980 at some things, not everything, but at some things I failed, but I'm not a failure. And there is a path

00:36:51.240 to redemption. And there is a path to a better life. New women will come into your life. You'll 0.64

00:36:57.780 continue to build relationships with your kids, new financial opportunities. And at some point,

00:37:02.060 you probably, not probably, you won't have the same level of feelings towards this circumstance or

00:37:09.200 towards her even. And it will just be a part of your life that you had an experience for. And in

00:37:15.520 many ways you can be grateful. And in some ways you can be glad that it's done. And then you can move

00:37:20.860 forward in confidence and build something entirely new. And that's what I'm in the process of doing.

00:37:25.340 Again, I'm not an expert in this and I haven't been divorced for a very long time either. But these

00:37:30.980 are the things that when I've done them, and I can't say I've done all of this flawlessly, but when

00:37:37.300 I've engaged in the things I should do and stayed away from the things I should not do, life continues

00:37:43.260 to get better. And I know it will for you too. So if you're feeling suicidal, reach out to me, reach out

00:37:50.700 to a friend, reach out to a family member, get help, whatever you can do. It's going to get better. Your

00:37:56.680 kids need you. Other people love you. And you have a reason for being here. And we have to figure out what

00:38:01.420 it is. We can't do that if you end your life. So there you go, guys. If you have questions or concerns

00:38:09.280 or worries, I get emails and direct messages on Instagram and other places every day about guys dealing

00:38:17.200 with divorce. This is an epidemic. It's brutal. It's painful. I think we're going to see more and

00:38:24.060 more of it. And I don't want you to have to experience these things the way that I did.

00:38:30.980 So obviously, take the advice that we've been sharing before it happens. I wish I would have

00:38:36.280 done a better job at that. But if you find yourself here, I think this is the best path forward. I hope

00:38:41.200 it serves you. I hope it helps. And we will be back next week for another interview. Guys, until then,

00:38:46.560 go out there, take action. And if you do find yourself in a divorce, navigate these steps.

00:38:53.120 It'll help. And ultimately, become the man you are meant to be.

00:39:00.220 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your

00:39:04.500 life and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

00:39:16.560 Thank you.

Order of Man - May 31, 2024

Navigating a New Divorce ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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