Order of Man - June 25, 2021


Navigating the Challenging Evolution of Marriage ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES


Episode Stats

Length

24 minutes

Words per Minute

192.34177

Word Count

4,777

Sentence Count

351

Misogynist Sentences

12

Hate Speech Sentences

4


Summary


Transcript

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
00:00:10.480 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
00:00:17.240 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,
00:00:27.540 and I am the host and the founder of the Order of Men podcast and movement. I've got a topic that
00:00:32.500 I wanted to address with you guys today that is going to apply to the married men and those men
00:00:38.800 who at some point will be married. This might be a cautionary tale, a word of warning, hopefully
00:00:44.940 some sage and sound advice that will help you on your path, whether you are engaged or will be
00:00:50.840 married at some point, or maybe you're a newlywed or even 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 years into your marriage
00:00:57.320 because today we're going to be talking about the challenging evolution of marriage. Marriages
00:01:03.680 do evolve and relationships change and priorities are dynamic and they're moving and they're adjusting.
00:01:10.540 If you believe as a married man that it's always going to be the same at 40 years old that it was
00:01:18.140 at 20 while you're teeing yourself up for failure. We're going to talk about this today.
00:01:22.880 Before we get into it, just to make a very quick mention of some marching orders, some things that
00:01:28.800 I'm going to ask of you guys. Number one, leave a rating and review. I think we've got 6,500 ratings
00:01:34.220 and reviews somewhere in there. Really, my goal is to get that up to 10,000. I'm not too concerned with
00:01:39.160 the number necessarily, but it is important that we get the ratings and reviews in because this is what
00:01:44.280 boosts the visibility of the Order of Men podcast. We need to get this message, the message of
00:01:50.320 reclaiming and restoring masculinity out into the world and leaving that rating and review is a big
00:01:54.300 way to do that. Also, go check out our Battle Ready program. This is a free course that we've set up
00:02:00.600 that's going to teach you exactly how to plan and strategize and accomplish more in a 30 to 90 day
00:02:09.840 window than most men accomplish in a year or even have their entire lives. That's the Battle Ready
00:02:17.340 program. If you go to orderofman.com slash battle ready, you can check that out. All right, guys,
00:02:22.680 let's get into the discussion about the challenging evolution of marriage. Like I just mentioned a
00:02:26.440 minute ago, marriages are changing, dynamics are evolving, people are maturing, priorities are
00:02:33.100 shifting, and we have to be aware that in our romantic and intimate relationships that it's not
00:02:41.980 always going to be the same. I've got five points that I wanted to make with you today that I think will
00:02:46.600 help as you mature and you gain new experiences and perspectives and she does as well. We're going
00:02:53.240 to talk about these subjects. So number one is there's got to be a realistic expectation. You know,
00:02:59.380 the most frustrating times in my life and challenging times are when my expectations of a circumstance or an
00:03:08.120 event didn't align with reality. And a lot of the times we come into these relationships thinking that
00:03:14.340 because we're newlyweds or, you know, everything is just bliss right now and it's beautiful and it's
00:03:21.120 amazing and you're in love and you're attracted physically and emotionally to each other that
00:03:27.020 it's always going to be like this. Guys, it's just not. It's not always going to be as easy as it is
00:03:33.000 right now. It's not always going to be blissful. You're going to have arguments. You're going to have
00:03:37.500 disagreements. You're going to have philosophical conflict, different ways that maybe you want to
00:03:43.540 discipline children or the way that you want to pursue the rest of your life. It's going to be
00:03:49.300 challenging and there's going to be friction. You have a woman in your life who comes to the table
00:03:55.840 with a completely different set of circumstances and experiences and cultures and beliefs and narratives.
00:04:03.260 Some are healthy and positive and some are not just like you. And so we need to understand that
00:04:10.620 whatever's happening in the moment is going to change. It's going to get better. It's going to
00:04:14.780 get worse. It's going to go up. It's going to go down. And if you don't realize that there's a false
00:04:20.540 expectation and you're teeing yourself and your wife or your future wife up for failure. So let's be
00:04:28.260 honest with it. Let's be real. Marriage for me has been an incredibly abundant blessing.
00:04:35.940 I can't imagine doing life without my wife. She inspires me. She motivates me. We are partners.
00:04:42.480 We walk hand in hand. We raise our children together. We have goals and desires and ambitions
00:04:47.020 and things that we want to do. We want to take on the world the same way almost 17 years into the
00:04:51.960 marriage that we did when we first got married. So it's been incredible, but it's also been very
00:04:58.520 challenging. And so a lot of the times when newlyweds or those who are getting married will
00:05:04.360 ask for advice, you know, everybody will give them the soft, fluffy bullcrap answers. And then
00:05:10.120 they're met with the new reality that it's not always bliss. And sometimes it's painful and there's a lot
00:05:15.900 of friction and it's challenging and there's highs and lows and ups and downs and managing expectations.
00:05:20.700 So be real about that. That's number one. Number two, you have to be vigilant. All right. It's very
00:05:25.060 easy to fall into ruts. You get busy. She gets busy. You have other obligations and responsibilities
00:05:32.900 and jobs and priorities. And so sometimes, not even sometimes, it's easier to overlook the warning signs.
00:05:44.500 It's easier to overlook the red flags. Look, you're tired. You don't want to deal with it. If you draw
00:05:50.260 attention to it, it might make it worse than it needs to be. At least that's what you're thinking.
00:05:55.240 And yet, if you don't address these issues that come up when there's a conflict, when there's a
00:06:01.520 disagreement, my wife and I just last night got into a disagreement and it almost, it turned into an
00:06:07.660 argument. And then I stopped for a minute and I just took a step back and I realized, okay, this is not
00:06:14.580 working. Let's, and I told her this, I said, let's both just take a deep breath. Let's just go our own
00:06:20.700 way for a minute. We'll come back. We'll, we'll reevaluate this. And we did, you know, we were both
00:06:24.320 stressed out about some things going on. And so we both took a step back. We came back into it, but I
00:06:29.040 was vigilant and you need to be vigilant. Part of being a man is being hyper vigilant, is being aware of the
00:06:35.080 threats and the things that are going on. You know, we do that when we're out in public, you're scanning
00:06:39.960 the environment, at least hopefully you are, you're scanning the environment, you're looking for
00:06:43.020 potential threats, you're being aware. These are the things that we're naturally inclined to do,
00:06:47.300 but a lot of us aren't doing it in our marriages. You know, you'd rather ignore and overlook and tuck
00:06:54.120 away and hide and not have these conversations, not discuss these topics. If it gets troublesome or
00:07:00.860 there's any little friction, we shut down a lot of times as men. We don't want to engage in it.
00:07:05.920 We withdraw, we get into other forms of entertainment or activities that aren't going to serve us and
00:07:12.240 certainly aren't going to serve our marriage. Instead of being vigilant constantly about what's
00:07:18.260 changing, what are her priorities? What are my priorities? How is she changing? How does this
00:07:23.680 action that I'm taking or this belief make her feel? What do I need to feel like? What do I need to do to
00:07:29.600 address this? This is how you remain vigilant. The same way you would with your bank account,
00:07:35.560 the same way you would with your body, the same way you would with your work and the relationships
00:07:40.340 you have with your clients, you're doing that. And yet so many of you won't be vigilant in your
00:07:46.700 marriage. You think it's supposed to be easy, smooth sailing. And then you realize 20 years into
00:07:51.860 it where you haven't been vigilant, you haven't talked about these things, you haven't evolved with
00:07:56.680 her, you haven't put each other on the same page that all of a sudden, you know, 20 years into a
00:08:01.220 marriage. You guys are throwing in the towel. Like I never understood how somebody who's been
00:08:06.360 married for 15 or 20 or 30 years or longer says, you know, I just, we drifted apart. We fell out of
00:08:13.520 love. We we've had a good ride, but now we're going on to bigger and greater things, man. You can do
00:08:18.340 that stuff together. If you're vigilant, you drifted apart. Well, that means you weren't vigilant. It means
00:08:23.800 you weren't taking initiative. It means that you weren't aware of what was going on and you weren't
00:08:30.140 addressing it early and often. So be vigilant. If it's important to you, that's what you would do.
00:08:37.840 All right. You're going to have difficult conversations. You're going to address the
00:08:41.400 red flags as they come up. You're going to talk effectively with her. You're going to commute,
00:08:46.960 communicate effectively with her, what it is you want and what you're trying to accomplish. Cause this
00:08:51.180 is not all about her. It needs to be a reciprocal thing. We're growing together, but you have to be
00:08:55.480 vigilant. Okay. Uh, number three, I would say is continue to foster growth in each other. All right.
00:09:01.500 So many men look at the growth and their partner as, as a threat that if my wife goes and does this
00:09:07.800 thing or, or, or she improves in some way, or she develops this skillset that somehow that's going
00:09:13.560 to be threatening. We probably wouldn't verbalize that, but at least subconsciously there's change
00:09:20.140 involved with that. And because there's change involved with that, we see it as a potential risk,
00:09:26.160 as a potential threat, the same way your wife sees it about you. I can't tell you how often I hear from
00:09:31.340 guys who think or tell me that, you know, I, I started listening to order of man or I joined
00:09:36.700 the iron council. Uh, and my wife was really hesitant at first. She, she didn't like what I was
00:09:43.960 learning. She didn't like what she was hearing, but now she's my biggest fan. She's the biggest
00:09:49.040 supporter of what I'm doing now. Right. Because you, even if you're improving yourself,
00:09:54.580 that change represents a threat to her. And so you got to assume that if she's changing,
00:10:00.960 it might even subconsciously be representing a threat to you. It's not a threat guys. It's not a
00:10:07.560 threat to have your wife improve herself. It's not a threat for her to do things outside of your
00:10:13.640 relationship with her girlfriends. Uh, that, that, that is meaningful and significant to her
00:10:19.100 that improves her in some way. And also, by the way, her growth doesn't need to be the same as
00:10:25.160 your growth. I've talked about this at length. You know, so many of us as men think, well,
00:10:29.180 why won't she read the book? Why won't she listen to the podcast? Why won't she do this?
00:10:32.280 Why won't she do that? And we think my wife isn't interested in self-development. No,
00:10:36.640 she's not maybe interested in your version of self-development, but self-development
00:10:40.820 is such a broad topic. A lot of the times, at least this is how it is in my relationship
00:10:48.260 with my wife is that I'm very interested in your traditional quintessential self-help,
00:10:54.500 self-development stuff, podcasts, books, uh, different, different things that are going to like
00:11:00.780 actually focus on, you know, the mindset and growth mentality and all these kinds of things
00:11:06.720 that we even talk about on this podcast. My wife isn't interested in that, but that doesn't mean
00:11:11.320 she doesn't want to improve. It just means she's not interested in that version. But man, if you give
00:11:15.640 her, uh, a course or a good book or an audio book on beekeeping or cooking or gardening, she's all about
00:11:27.960 it. And so I need to be able to, as a man, honor that and respect that and also foster that growth.
00:11:34.460 Cause here's another thing I hear from a lot of guys, you know, my wife doesn't go out with her
00:11:38.180 friends and she doesn't do things. And well, part of your, your responsibility is as, as, as the
00:11:43.680 patriarch of your family is to foster and encourage her growth and her going out to do her own
00:11:49.860 activities. And it's going to be better. She's going to be more fulfilled. She's going to come back
00:11:54.000 into the relationship with more energy, more enthusiasm, more excitement. And isn't that
00:11:59.000 what you want? Don't you want to see that fire burn within her? You can't always provide it.
00:12:05.000 In fact, you frequently are incapable of providing it just like me for my wife. She's got to get that
00:12:10.160 from somewhere else. So we're going to encourage, we're going to foster growth, whatever that looks
00:12:15.340 like in whatever form, it doesn't have to be your form, but as long as she's improving, growing,
00:12:20.600 getting better in different areas and capacities of life, then good. That's, that's what you want.
00:12:28.140 And that's what she should want from you. So you have to be able to explain that to her,
00:12:31.660 that you're going to do things that are interesting to you, whether it's hunting, uh, or woodworking,
00:12:37.360 uh, painting, tactical training, jujitsu, all the things that we've talked about here on the podcast
00:12:43.540 over the past six years, but honor that in each other, celebrate it, foster it. Don't beat each other
00:12:49.120 up over it. Don't, don't attempt to make her feel guilty that she wants to go spend time with friends
00:12:54.440 or, or she wants to do this, you know, one particular thing that maybe isn't resonating
00:12:58.800 with you. So what it's not for you. It's for her. And by the way, if it's for her and she gets better,
00:13:03.760 you're also going to be a beneficiary of that. All right. Number four. Yes. Number four guys,
00:13:11.340 this is pretty common advice. And yet so many of us don't do it. You've got to communicate
00:13:17.420 effectively and constantly with your spouse. You've got to open your mouth. You've got to
00:13:24.700 stretch out those vocal cords. You've got to use your words effectively, and you have to communicate
00:13:30.660 and share with her. Now the dynamic of my relationship, I don't have a problem with that.
00:13:35.640 I'm the verbal communicator. It's just my personality. It was the way I was raised. We talked about
00:13:40.540 everything. There was never an issue that we couldn't address or talk about. And so we talked,
00:13:44.680 uh, my wife, on the other hand, that's not the way that she was raised. And so she doesn't
00:13:50.960 traditionally really want to talk and discuss and work through these things. She'd rather not do that
00:13:56.580 and go out and take care of the garden or do her thing, which, which is good, but there's also a time
00:14:01.180 for making sure that we communicate. So she's admittedly, she would say that she's had to work
00:14:06.540 on this more than me. Uh, I would say generally it's probably the other way around. Probably the wife
00:14:12.500 is the communicator verbally. And the guy's like, look, I don't want to talk about this. I don't,
00:14:17.660 I don't want to deal with this. And so I'm going to go out in the garage and pretend like I'm working
00:14:21.740 so I can avoid having these conversations. So my dynamic, I think is a little different
00:14:26.540 generally than, than most other people's dynamic. But what I would say to you guys is you have to
00:14:31.400 talk and you have to communicate. Okay. And if you struggle with communication, then it's on you
00:14:38.460 to make, excuse me, sure that you are scheduling time, that you're setting time aside, that you're
00:14:46.000 communicating effectively, that you're not being aggressive, that you're being assertive. You're
00:14:51.580 not going to be passive or aggressive. You're going to be assertive. There's a great book called
00:14:54.840 the assertiveness workbook. You can check out if you want to develop those skills, but you need to be
00:14:59.120 assertive with these things. And also if you want her to speak and to talk with you, then you need
00:15:07.760 to, again, foster that, let her know it's okay. Set up a time that will work for you where she doesn't
00:15:14.580 feel intimidated or threatened. Cause if she does, she's not going to talk and you're not going to
00:15:19.420 have these conversations and you're only on a slippery slope. And then 20 years from now, you're going to
00:15:23.960 be the guy that I hear from who says, yeah, my wife and I just drifted apart. Right. Cause you never
00:15:29.260 took the time to get on the same page and get back together. So also I would say this, we, as men
00:15:35.560 have a tendency of blowing up, of getting defensive, of getting aggressive. I do. I know that by default,
00:15:45.680 I tend to shift that way as I'm communicating with people. So I've really, and look, here's a term
00:15:51.980 that I don't like at all, but I'm going to use, I don't like the term safe space. I think it's
00:15:58.640 overused. I think it's a crazy idea. I think it's a little pathetic, but also I would say that
00:16:04.420 there has to be a safe environment for your wife to have conversations with you. Okay. If you blow up
00:16:12.360 every single time she talks with you about money or disciplining the children or religion or whatever
00:16:19.740 it is that you guys talk about. And every time you get heated and you get hotheaded and you blow up
00:16:25.160 and you yell at her and you make her feel bad, you really think she's going to want to talk with you?
00:16:31.100 You really think you guys are going to get on the same page? Of course you're not. So
00:16:34.440 don't do that. Create a safe environment where she feels comfortable talking with you.
00:16:43.820 And isn't that what you want? Don't you want her to feel protected and safe in your presence?
00:16:53.300 If you can do that and you can create an environment where she feels comfortable to share,
00:16:58.680 she's more likely to share those thoughts, those ideas, those opinions. And also we have to listen to
00:17:05.000 them. We have to acknowledge them. We have to act on them. Sometimes after a long day, my wife will want
00:17:10.140 to tell me things. And I'm like, in my head, I'm like, I don't, I don't care. I don't want to hear
00:17:14.080 about this, but I look her in the eye. I engage in the conversation. I listen with intent. I'm
00:17:21.300 connected with her, even though I'm tired. I do it because that's a critical component of this
00:17:27.340 challenging evolution of marriage. Look, you're going to change, man. She's, she's older. She has
00:17:33.740 different priorities. You're older. You have different priorities. You've matured. You've had kids.
00:17:37.160 You've had jobs. She's had jobs. She's had kids, you know, that things change. And so this constant
00:17:42.340 communication is very important. And guys, this is the last thing I would say is that as things change,
00:17:49.360 you know, we hear about the seven year itch and I hear people say, you know, it feels more like I'm
00:17:54.760 living with a roommate than with my wife or my husband. I hear these things, guys, you've got to
00:17:59.360 keep the spark alive. You've got to keep the sexual activity going. You've got to be emotionally
00:18:05.100 tied into her. You have to be intrigued and fascinated and a little bit of wonder the same
00:18:13.880 way it was potentially 20 years ago when you fell in love with her. My wife and I have been together
00:18:18.260 about 20 years, but we've been married for almost 17 later this month. And I'm still intrigued by her.
00:18:26.900 I'm still fascinated. I still look at her with wonder. I'll see here, I'm looking out my office
00:18:31.640 window here, which overlooks our, our family garden. And I can just go out, you know, in the
00:18:37.360 middle of the day and look out my window and see her and the kids playing around. I'm still intrigued.
00:18:42.040 I'm still fascinated with her. And so you need to keep the spark alive. You need to be curious about
00:18:48.460 what she's experiencing and what she's going through. You need to be engaged in what's interesting
00:18:52.900 to her. You need to surprise her. You need to treat her right. You need to let her know that
00:18:58.640 she's still beautiful and attractive to you. If you do that, how is the spark going to die? You need
00:19:04.940 to be spontaneous, still continue to court and date her the way you did potentially 10, 15, 20 years
00:19:10.780 ago. These are the things that you do to keep the marriage on the right track. It's like working out
00:19:17.840 guys. If you went and worked out five years ago and you just went really hard for a week, five years
00:19:23.400 ago. Do you think you're still experiencing the gain of what you did five years ago? No, you're not.
00:19:30.460 And so do you think you can rest on the fact that there's some sort of verbal or even written contract
00:19:35.240 between you and your wife that you'll honor each other and love each other, but you haven't been
00:19:40.220 doing anything about it for the past decade? Do you think you're still going to reap the benefits
00:19:44.960 of what you did five or 10 years ago? No. It atrophies. The marriage will atrophy. You need to
00:19:52.900 exercise it. You need to flex it. You need to continue to work it out because if you don't use
00:19:57.160 it, you'll lose it. And I don't want you to be one of those guys who comes to me and says, man, my life
00:20:02.060 is a wreck and my wife's leaving me and I'm going through a painful separation and I don't know how to
00:20:06.640 deal with it. This is exactly how you deal with it. Now, some people might say, Ryan, this is
00:20:11.260 oversimplified. Yeah, it is oversimplified because I've got 20 or 30 minutes to talk with you.
00:20:16.580 But if you understand these points that I'm making, and I'll go back through them here in a
00:20:20.900 minute, and you implement them on a daily basis, these things need to be done daily.
00:20:28.500 You will have, I won't guarantee that you won't have any marital problems, but that you will have less
00:20:34.980 and that you will continue to be in love. You will be infatuated with her. She will be infatuated with
00:20:40.760 you. You will be able to walk hand in hand, both literally and figuratively to wherever it is you're
00:20:46.060 going and you'll be happy and you'll be satisfied and you'll find some level of meaning and significance
00:20:52.300 and fulfillment. And she'll feel the same way about you. And that's what you want. You wouldn't
00:20:58.640 have entered into that marriage if that weren't the case. So exercise these tools like you would
00:21:04.980 exercise any skillset or exercise any set of muscles. It's going to go away if you don't use it.
00:21:10.440 So let's recap, then we'll call it a day. Number one, expect that things are going to change.
00:21:15.820 She's going to change. You're going to change priorities, maturity levels, et cetera, et cetera.
00:21:19.880 You've got to expect it. Okay. Number two, vigilance every day, vigilance. I have to maintain
00:21:26.280 this. I have to keep involved. I have to keep going. I have to keep experimenting with what works
00:21:31.140 and what doesn't. And I have to be anxiously engaged in this marriage. Number three, foster growth
00:21:37.920 in each other. Remember, it's not your growth that she needs to do. It's not her growth that you need
00:21:42.280 to do. You need to foster her type of growth. She should be fostering your type of growth. And if
00:21:48.500 she's not, by the way, maybe it's that you haven't done a great job communicating how this can be
00:21:52.800 valuable to her and the family dynamic. Cause look, sometimes like if I want to go train jujitsu,
00:21:58.140 for example, that means I'm not going to be here at home with her and the kids.
00:22:01.340 So that might be threatening to her, right? She wants me here. So I need to explain to her,
00:22:06.980 Hey, if I go take two hours today, then I'm going to come back into the relationship, rejuvenated,
00:22:11.760 recharged, and I'm going to be a better man for it. And that's why you married me. Cause you want
00:22:15.580 me to be the man who can protect and provide and preside. And we can walk hand in hand towards
00:22:20.980 wherever it is we're going. Number four, constant communication. If you're not the communicator
00:22:26.760 work on being the communicator, if she's not the communicator, then you need to create a
00:22:31.640 comfortable, safe environment where she feels comfortable enough to be able to have these
00:22:37.520 types of conversations that you need to have every day. And then the last one is keeping that spark
00:22:43.420 alive by being infatuated with her also by being attractive to her. Like if you're a fat slob and
00:22:50.800 you've been sitting on the couch for the past decade and you're 50 pounds overweight and you know,
00:22:55.740 you're not, you're not moving the needle at work. She's going to go run off with the dude who's,
00:23:02.840 you know, jacked and has potential and is making money. And like, that's who she's going to be
00:23:07.560 interested in. So you be that guy. And not to mention that's just a better way to live life
00:23:13.160 anyways, let alone you're going to be more attractive to the woman you love. Think about
00:23:17.720 that. You know, if you're 50 pounds overweight, you got to get rid of that spare tire, fellas.
00:23:21.900 If you're not advancing in your career, yeah, man, you got to develop those skillsets that so
00:23:25.480 you can continue to advance in your career. You can make more money. You can have more experiences.
00:23:29.940 And I'm telling you, when you have more money, you can go on, on more vacations. You can have
00:23:33.320 more experiences. You can have more time off to be with her and the kids. It's just better.
00:23:37.120 So develop those skills so that you can continue to be attracted to her. So that spark stays alive.
00:23:41.880 So there it is. Let me know. Let me know what you think of that list. Let me know if I missed
00:23:45.860 anything. I missed a lot of things. I'm sure some of you guys have additional tips and strategies
00:23:49.280 and techniques. Cool. Let me know what they are. Connect with me on Instagram at Ryan Mickler.
00:23:55.020 Shoot me a message, screenshot what you're listening to. Check out the Brotherhood,
00:23:59.300 the Iron Council at orderofman.com slash Iron Council. And also check out the Battle Ready
00:24:03.520 program, the free program, the course that we have available at orderofman.com slash Battle Ready.
00:24:09.020 Guys, marriage is a challenge. And the evolution of marriage as it progresses becomes more challenging
00:24:13.960 if you don't remain vigilant and aware and on top of it. So make sure you do. I want your marriage
00:24:19.380 to thrive. I want you to thrive with that woman who you've decided to walk hand in hand with. And
00:24:24.360 I want your kids to do well and have an opportunity to be raised by a mother and a father. That's very,
00:24:29.200 very important in society. So let's make sure we're doing everything we can to ensure that happens.
00:24:34.400 All right, guys, we will be back next week. Until then, go out there, take action,
00:24:38.140 and become the man you are meant to be.
00:24:40.060 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life
00:24:44.640 and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.