Navigating the Challenging Evolution of Marriage ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
Episode Stats
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192.34177
Summary
Marriages change, dynamics change, people are maturing, priorities are shifting, and we have to be aware that it's not always going to be the same at 40 years old that it was at 20 years old.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,
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and I am the host and the founder of the Order of Men podcast and movement. I've got a topic that
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I wanted to address with you guys today that is going to apply to the married men and those men
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who at some point will be married. This might be a cautionary tale, a word of warning, hopefully
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some sage and sound advice that will help you on your path, whether you are engaged or will be
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married at some point, or maybe you're a newlywed or even 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 years into your marriage
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because today we're going to be talking about the challenging evolution of marriage. Marriages
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do evolve and relationships change and priorities are dynamic and they're moving and they're adjusting.
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If you believe as a married man that it's always going to be the same at 40 years old that it was
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at 20 while you're teeing yourself up for failure. We're going to talk about this today.
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Before we get into it, just to make a very quick mention of some marching orders, some things that
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I'm going to ask of you guys. Number one, leave a rating and review. I think we've got 6,500 ratings
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and reviews somewhere in there. Really, my goal is to get that up to 10,000. I'm not too concerned with
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the number necessarily, but it is important that we get the ratings and reviews in because this is what
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boosts the visibility of the Order of Men podcast. We need to get this message, the message of
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reclaiming and restoring masculinity out into the world and leaving that rating and review is a big
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way to do that. Also, go check out our Battle Ready program. This is a free course that we've set up
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that's going to teach you exactly how to plan and strategize and accomplish more in a 30 to 90 day
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window than most men accomplish in a year or even have their entire lives. That's the Battle Ready
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program. If you go to orderofman.com slash battle ready, you can check that out. All right, guys,
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let's get into the discussion about the challenging evolution of marriage. Like I just mentioned a
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minute ago, marriages are changing, dynamics are evolving, people are maturing, priorities are
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shifting, and we have to be aware that in our romantic and intimate relationships that it's not
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always going to be the same. I've got five points that I wanted to make with you today that I think will
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help as you mature and you gain new experiences and perspectives and she does as well. We're going
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to talk about these subjects. So number one is there's got to be a realistic expectation. You know,
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the most frustrating times in my life and challenging times are when my expectations of a circumstance or an
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event didn't align with reality. And a lot of the times we come into these relationships thinking that
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because we're newlyweds or, you know, everything is just bliss right now and it's beautiful and it's
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amazing and you're in love and you're attracted physically and emotionally to each other that
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it's always going to be like this. Guys, it's just not. It's not always going to be as easy as it is
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right now. It's not always going to be blissful. You're going to have arguments. You're going to have
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disagreements. You're going to have philosophical conflict, different ways that maybe you want to
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discipline children or the way that you want to pursue the rest of your life. It's going to be
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challenging and there's going to be friction. You have a woman in your life who comes to the table
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with a completely different set of circumstances and experiences and cultures and beliefs and narratives.
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Some are healthy and positive and some are not just like you. And so we need to understand that
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whatever's happening in the moment is going to change. It's going to get better. It's going to
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get worse. It's going to go up. It's going to go down. And if you don't realize that there's a false
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expectation and you're teeing yourself and your wife or your future wife up for failure. So let's be
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honest with it. Let's be real. Marriage for me has been an incredibly abundant blessing.
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I can't imagine doing life without my wife. She inspires me. She motivates me. We are partners.
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We walk hand in hand. We raise our children together. We have goals and desires and ambitions
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and things that we want to do. We want to take on the world the same way almost 17 years into the
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marriage that we did when we first got married. So it's been incredible, but it's also been very
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challenging. And so a lot of the times when newlyweds or those who are getting married will
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ask for advice, you know, everybody will give them the soft, fluffy bullcrap answers. And then
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they're met with the new reality that it's not always bliss. And sometimes it's painful and there's a lot
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of friction and it's challenging and there's highs and lows and ups and downs and managing expectations.
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So be real about that. That's number one. Number two, you have to be vigilant. All right. It's very
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easy to fall into ruts. You get busy. She gets busy. You have other obligations and responsibilities
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and jobs and priorities. And so sometimes, not even sometimes, it's easier to overlook the warning signs.
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It's easier to overlook the red flags. Look, you're tired. You don't want to deal with it. If you draw
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attention to it, it might make it worse than it needs to be. At least that's what you're thinking.
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And yet, if you don't address these issues that come up when there's a conflict, when there's a
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disagreement, my wife and I just last night got into a disagreement and it almost, it turned into an
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argument. And then I stopped for a minute and I just took a step back and I realized, okay, this is not
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working. Let's, and I told her this, I said, let's both just take a deep breath. Let's just go our own
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way for a minute. We'll come back. We'll, we'll reevaluate this. And we did, you know, we were both
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stressed out about some things going on. And so we both took a step back. We came back into it, but I
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was vigilant and you need to be vigilant. Part of being a man is being hyper vigilant, is being aware of the
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threats and the things that are going on. You know, we do that when we're out in public, you're scanning
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the environment, at least hopefully you are, you're scanning the environment, you're looking for
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potential threats, you're being aware. These are the things that we're naturally inclined to do,
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but a lot of us aren't doing it in our marriages. You know, you'd rather ignore and overlook and tuck
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away and hide and not have these conversations, not discuss these topics. If it gets troublesome or
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there's any little friction, we shut down a lot of times as men. We don't want to engage in it.
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We withdraw, we get into other forms of entertainment or activities that aren't going to serve us and
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certainly aren't going to serve our marriage. Instead of being vigilant constantly about what's
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changing, what are her priorities? What are my priorities? How is she changing? How does this
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action that I'm taking or this belief make her feel? What do I need to feel like? What do I need to do to
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address this? This is how you remain vigilant. The same way you would with your bank account,
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the same way you would with your body, the same way you would with your work and the relationships
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you have with your clients, you're doing that. And yet so many of you won't be vigilant in your
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marriage. You think it's supposed to be easy, smooth sailing. And then you realize 20 years into
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it where you haven't been vigilant, you haven't talked about these things, you haven't evolved with
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her, you haven't put each other on the same page that all of a sudden, you know, 20 years into a
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marriage. You guys are throwing in the towel. Like I never understood how somebody who's been
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married for 15 or 20 or 30 years or longer says, you know, I just, we drifted apart. We fell out of
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love. We we've had a good ride, but now we're going on to bigger and greater things, man. You can do
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that stuff together. If you're vigilant, you drifted apart. Well, that means you weren't vigilant. It means
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you weren't taking initiative. It means that you weren't aware of what was going on and you weren't
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addressing it early and often. So be vigilant. If it's important to you, that's what you would do.
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All right. You're going to have difficult conversations. You're going to address the
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red flags as they come up. You're going to talk effectively with her. You're going to commute,
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communicate effectively with her, what it is you want and what you're trying to accomplish. Cause this
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is not all about her. It needs to be a reciprocal thing. We're growing together, but you have to be
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vigilant. Okay. Uh, number three, I would say is continue to foster growth in each other. All right.
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So many men look at the growth and their partner as, as a threat that if my wife goes and does this
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thing or, or, or she improves in some way, or she develops this skillset that somehow that's going
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to be threatening. We probably wouldn't verbalize that, but at least subconsciously there's change
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involved with that. And because there's change involved with that, we see it as a potential risk,
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as a potential threat, the same way your wife sees it about you. I can't tell you how often I hear from
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guys who think or tell me that, you know, I, I started listening to order of man or I joined
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the iron council. Uh, and my wife was really hesitant at first. She, she didn't like what I was
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learning. She didn't like what she was hearing, but now she's my biggest fan. She's the biggest
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supporter of what I'm doing now. Right. Because you, even if you're improving yourself,
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that change represents a threat to her. And so you got to assume that if she's changing,
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it might even subconsciously be representing a threat to you. It's not a threat guys. It's not a
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threat to have your wife improve herself. It's not a threat for her to do things outside of your
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relationship with her girlfriends. Uh, that, that, that is meaningful and significant to her
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that improves her in some way. And also, by the way, her growth doesn't need to be the same as
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your growth. I've talked about this at length. You know, so many of us as men think, well,
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why won't she read the book? Why won't she listen to the podcast? Why won't she do this?
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Why won't she do that? And we think my wife isn't interested in self-development. No,
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she's not maybe interested in your version of self-development, but self-development
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is such a broad topic. A lot of the times, at least this is how it is in my relationship
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with my wife is that I'm very interested in your traditional quintessential self-help,
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self-development stuff, podcasts, books, uh, different, different things that are going to like
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actually focus on, you know, the mindset and growth mentality and all these kinds of things
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that we even talk about on this podcast. My wife isn't interested in that, but that doesn't mean
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she doesn't want to improve. It just means she's not interested in that version. But man, if you give
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her, uh, a course or a good book or an audio book on beekeeping or cooking or gardening, she's all about
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it. And so I need to be able to, as a man, honor that and respect that and also foster that growth.
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Cause here's another thing I hear from a lot of guys, you know, my wife doesn't go out with her
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friends and she doesn't do things. And well, part of your, your responsibility is as, as, as the
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patriarch of your family is to foster and encourage her growth and her going out to do her own
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activities. And it's going to be better. She's going to be more fulfilled. She's going to come back
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into the relationship with more energy, more enthusiasm, more excitement. And isn't that
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what you want? Don't you want to see that fire burn within her? You can't always provide it.
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In fact, you frequently are incapable of providing it just like me for my wife. She's got to get that
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from somewhere else. So we're going to encourage, we're going to foster growth, whatever that looks
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like in whatever form, it doesn't have to be your form, but as long as she's improving, growing,
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getting better in different areas and capacities of life, then good. That's, that's what you want.
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And that's what she should want from you. So you have to be able to explain that to her,
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that you're going to do things that are interesting to you, whether it's hunting, uh, or woodworking,
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uh, painting, tactical training, jujitsu, all the things that we've talked about here on the podcast
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over the past six years, but honor that in each other, celebrate it, foster it. Don't beat each other
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up over it. Don't, don't attempt to make her feel guilty that she wants to go spend time with friends
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or, or she wants to do this, you know, one particular thing that maybe isn't resonating
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with you. So what it's not for you. It's for her. And by the way, if it's for her and she gets better,
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you're also going to be a beneficiary of that. All right. Number four. Yes. Number four guys,
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this is pretty common advice. And yet so many of us don't do it. You've got to communicate
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effectively and constantly with your spouse. You've got to open your mouth. You've got to
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stretch out those vocal cords. You've got to use your words effectively, and you have to communicate
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and share with her. Now the dynamic of my relationship, I don't have a problem with that.
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I'm the verbal communicator. It's just my personality. It was the way I was raised. We talked about
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everything. There was never an issue that we couldn't address or talk about. And so we talked,
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uh, my wife, on the other hand, that's not the way that she was raised. And so she doesn't
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traditionally really want to talk and discuss and work through these things. She'd rather not do that
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and go out and take care of the garden or do her thing, which, which is good, but there's also a time
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for making sure that we communicate. So she's admittedly, she would say that she's had to work
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on this more than me. Uh, I would say generally it's probably the other way around. Probably the wife
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is the communicator verbally. And the guy's like, look, I don't want to talk about this. I don't,
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I don't want to deal with this. And so I'm going to go out in the garage and pretend like I'm working
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so I can avoid having these conversations. So my dynamic, I think is a little different
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generally than, than most other people's dynamic. But what I would say to you guys is you have to
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talk and you have to communicate. Okay. And if you struggle with communication, then it's on you
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to make, excuse me, sure that you are scheduling time, that you're setting time aside, that you're
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communicating effectively, that you're not being aggressive, that you're being assertive. You're
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not going to be passive or aggressive. You're going to be assertive. There's a great book called
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the assertiveness workbook. You can check out if you want to develop those skills, but you need to be
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assertive with these things. And also if you want her to speak and to talk with you, then you need
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to, again, foster that, let her know it's okay. Set up a time that will work for you where she doesn't
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feel intimidated or threatened. Cause if she does, she's not going to talk and you're not going to
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have these conversations and you're only on a slippery slope. And then 20 years from now, you're going to
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be the guy that I hear from who says, yeah, my wife and I just drifted apart. Right. Cause you never
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took the time to get on the same page and get back together. So also I would say this, we, as men
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have a tendency of blowing up, of getting defensive, of getting aggressive. I do. I know that by default,
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I tend to shift that way as I'm communicating with people. So I've really, and look, here's a term
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that I don't like at all, but I'm going to use, I don't like the term safe space. I think it's
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overused. I think it's a crazy idea. I think it's a little pathetic, but also I would say that
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there has to be a safe environment for your wife to have conversations with you. Okay. If you blow up
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every single time she talks with you about money or disciplining the children or religion or whatever
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it is that you guys talk about. And every time you get heated and you get hotheaded and you blow up
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and you yell at her and you make her feel bad, you really think she's going to want to talk with you?
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You really think you guys are going to get on the same page? Of course you're not. So
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don't do that. Create a safe environment where she feels comfortable talking with you.
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And isn't that what you want? Don't you want her to feel protected and safe in your presence?
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If you can do that and you can create an environment where she feels comfortable to share,
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she's more likely to share those thoughts, those ideas, those opinions. And also we have to listen to
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them. We have to acknowledge them. We have to act on them. Sometimes after a long day, my wife will want
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to tell me things. And I'm like, in my head, I'm like, I don't, I don't care. I don't want to hear
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about this, but I look her in the eye. I engage in the conversation. I listen with intent. I'm
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connected with her, even though I'm tired. I do it because that's a critical component of this
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challenging evolution of marriage. Look, you're going to change, man. She's, she's older. She has
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different priorities. You're older. You have different priorities. You've matured. You've had kids.
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You've had jobs. She's had jobs. She's had kids, you know, that things change. And so this constant
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communication is very important. And guys, this is the last thing I would say is that as things change,
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you know, we hear about the seven year itch and I hear people say, you know, it feels more like I'm
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living with a roommate than with my wife or my husband. I hear these things, guys, you've got to
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keep the spark alive. You've got to keep the sexual activity going. You've got to be emotionally
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tied into her. You have to be intrigued and fascinated and a little bit of wonder the same
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way it was potentially 20 years ago when you fell in love with her. My wife and I have been together
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about 20 years, but we've been married for almost 17 later this month. And I'm still intrigued by her.
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I'm still fascinated. I still look at her with wonder. I'll see here, I'm looking out my office
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window here, which overlooks our, our family garden. And I can just go out, you know, in the
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middle of the day and look out my window and see her and the kids playing around. I'm still intrigued.
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I'm still fascinated with her. And so you need to keep the spark alive. You need to be curious about
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what she's experiencing and what she's going through. You need to be engaged in what's interesting
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to her. You need to surprise her. You need to treat her right. You need to let her know that
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she's still beautiful and attractive to you. If you do that, how is the spark going to die? You need
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to be spontaneous, still continue to court and date her the way you did potentially 10, 15, 20 years
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ago. These are the things that you do to keep the marriage on the right track. It's like working out
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guys. If you went and worked out five years ago and you just went really hard for a week, five years
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ago. Do you think you're still experiencing the gain of what you did five years ago? No, you're not.
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And so do you think you can rest on the fact that there's some sort of verbal or even written contract
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between you and your wife that you'll honor each other and love each other, but you haven't been
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doing anything about it for the past decade? Do you think you're still going to reap the benefits
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of what you did five or 10 years ago? No. It atrophies. The marriage will atrophy. You need to
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exercise it. You need to flex it. You need to continue to work it out because if you don't use
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it, you'll lose it. And I don't want you to be one of those guys who comes to me and says, man, my life
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is a wreck and my wife's leaving me and I'm going through a painful separation and I don't know how to
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deal with it. This is exactly how you deal with it. Now, some people might say, Ryan, this is
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oversimplified. Yeah, it is oversimplified because I've got 20 or 30 minutes to talk with you.
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But if you understand these points that I'm making, and I'll go back through them here in a
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minute, and you implement them on a daily basis, these things need to be done daily.
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You will have, I won't guarantee that you won't have any marital problems, but that you will have less
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and that you will continue to be in love. You will be infatuated with her. She will be infatuated with
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you. You will be able to walk hand in hand, both literally and figuratively to wherever it is you're
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going and you'll be happy and you'll be satisfied and you'll find some level of meaning and significance
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and fulfillment. And she'll feel the same way about you. And that's what you want. You wouldn't
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have entered into that marriage if that weren't the case. So exercise these tools like you would
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exercise any skillset or exercise any set of muscles. It's going to go away if you don't use it.
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So let's recap, then we'll call it a day. Number one, expect that things are going to change.
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She's going to change. You're going to change priorities, maturity levels, et cetera, et cetera.
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You've got to expect it. Okay. Number two, vigilance every day, vigilance. I have to maintain
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this. I have to keep involved. I have to keep going. I have to keep experimenting with what works
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and what doesn't. And I have to be anxiously engaged in this marriage. Number three, foster growth
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in each other. Remember, it's not your growth that she needs to do. It's not her growth that you need
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to do. You need to foster her type of growth. She should be fostering your type of growth. And if
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she's not, by the way, maybe it's that you haven't done a great job communicating how this can be
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valuable to her and the family dynamic. Cause look, sometimes like if I want to go train jujitsu,
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for example, that means I'm not going to be here at home with her and the kids.
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So that might be threatening to her, right? She wants me here. So I need to explain to her,
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Hey, if I go take two hours today, then I'm going to come back into the relationship, rejuvenated,
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recharged, and I'm going to be a better man for it. And that's why you married me. Cause you want
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me to be the man who can protect and provide and preside. And we can walk hand in hand towards
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wherever it is we're going. Number four, constant communication. If you're not the communicator
00:22:26.760
work on being the communicator, if she's not the communicator, then you need to create a
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comfortable, safe environment where she feels comfortable enough to be able to have these
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types of conversations that you need to have every day. And then the last one is keeping that spark
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alive by being infatuated with her also by being attractive to her. Like if you're a fat slob and
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you've been sitting on the couch for the past decade and you're 50 pounds overweight and you know,
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you're not, you're not moving the needle at work. She's going to go run off with the dude who's,
00:23:02.840
you know, jacked and has potential and is making money. And like, that's who she's going to be
00:23:07.560
interested in. So you be that guy. And not to mention that's just a better way to live life
00:23:13.160
anyways, let alone you're going to be more attractive to the woman you love. Think about
00:23:17.720
that. You know, if you're 50 pounds overweight, you got to get rid of that spare tire, fellas.
00:23:21.900
If you're not advancing in your career, yeah, man, you got to develop those skillsets that so
00:23:25.480
you can continue to advance in your career. You can make more money. You can have more experiences.
00:23:29.940
And I'm telling you, when you have more money, you can go on, on more vacations. You can have
00:23:33.320
more experiences. You can have more time off to be with her and the kids. It's just better.
00:23:37.120
So develop those skills so that you can continue to be attracted to her. So that spark stays alive.
00:23:41.880
So there it is. Let me know. Let me know what you think of that list. Let me know if I missed
00:23:45.860
anything. I missed a lot of things. I'm sure some of you guys have additional tips and strategies
00:23:49.280
and techniques. Cool. Let me know what they are. Connect with me on Instagram at Ryan Mickler.
00:23:55.020
Shoot me a message, screenshot what you're listening to. Check out the Brotherhood,
00:23:59.300
the Iron Council at orderofman.com slash Iron Council. And also check out the Battle Ready
00:24:03.520
program, the free program, the course that we have available at orderofman.com slash Battle Ready.
00:24:09.020
Guys, marriage is a challenge. And the evolution of marriage as it progresses becomes more challenging
00:24:13.960
if you don't remain vigilant and aware and on top of it. So make sure you do. I want your marriage
00:24:19.380
to thrive. I want you to thrive with that woman who you've decided to walk hand in hand with. And
00:24:24.360
I want your kids to do well and have an opportunity to be raised by a mother and a father. That's very,
00:24:29.200
very important in society. So let's make sure we're doing everything we can to ensure that happens.
00:24:34.400
All right, guys, we will be back next week. Until then, go out there, take action,
00:24:40.060
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life
00:24:44.640
and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.