Order of Man - Nice Guys and the Friendzone, Teaching Others How to Treat You, and Calling Brothers Out ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.420 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.180 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.740 you can call yourself a man. Kip, what's up, man? Great to see you today. I'm back from our pig hunt,

00:00:29.420 our iron council pig hunt, and a little tired, but rejuvenized and energized.

00:00:35.080 I love it, man. How many hogs did you and your boys end up bringing home? Are you guys packing 1.00

00:00:41.640 those things up and you coming home with a crew or what?

00:00:44.800 We, so there was 10 of us hunting. So me, my two boys, and seven other guys.

00:00:51.280 And so we could shoot two pigs each. And between the 10 of us, we shot, we killed 18 pigs.

00:01:00.640 So we, we got it done in three and a half days. And my boys and I together, we killed six.

00:01:07.800 So we packed them up and shipped them home. We just brought them on the plane with us and

00:01:12.040 threw them in the freezer last night. So everything is good.

00:01:15.220 Heck yeah. That's awesome.

00:01:17.660 One of the things I've been thinking a lot about is, you know, we've talked about the iron council a lot

00:01:22.460 and over the past seven or eight years now, and it's actually open right now, open for enrollment.

00:01:27.740 And it's been a great digital band of brothers. You know, it's, it's been a system, a tool, a process,

00:01:34.200 a system of accountability for a lot of people. And they changed their ways and behaviors and patterns

00:01:38.180 of life in general. But I really want to bring it off the computer screen and bring it into the real

00:01:44.880 world. And this was a cool experience because there was, there was, like I said, 10 of us,

00:01:49.260 seven other iron council guys who, who got together and broke bread together, hunted together,

00:01:56.200 shared success and failure together, made fun of each other in a good way, you know,

00:02:01.460 honored each other, learned some new things. And I think that's sorely missing in society,

00:02:06.740 especially among men. So, um, I, I plan on doing more of these hunts, but also more activities

00:02:12.400 where men can actually get together in a meaningful way, not just to, you know, sit around a prayer

00:02:17.360 circle and, and, you know, hold each other's hand and pat each other on the back for our

00:02:20.920 underperformance, but actually go out and do something meaningful, learn a new skill, develop

00:02:27.380 a new interest, do something difficult and challenging. Uh, one of our guys was talking about

00:02:32.760 doing a, um, a Spartan race, I believe in July. So I'm looking at my schedule for that because

00:02:38.060 there's going to be, I think an iron council team for that. This is what we need. So it's pretty

00:02:42.380 cool to see the iron council develop into something more that than just what's happening in zeros and

00:02:48.000 ones, but things that are happening in real life. Yeah. It's certainly anybody that's within the iron

00:02:54.800 council. It's not some elusive, you know, individuals that you're meeting with that you

00:03:01.980 don't really know that well. Right. Like these are your, these are your brothers. When, once you're on

00:03:07.560 a battle team, it's, it's not superficial business relationships and everyone's, you know, hiding

00:03:14.060 behind a persona of some sort. I mean, these are guys lifting each other up and, and I'll forever

00:03:20.800 have strong relationships with guys that I was, you know, on teams with in the past that I just,

00:03:26.780 I love them. And I love those men, you know, some of those like on Tony, Tony got his, I think it was

00:03:33.120 earlier this year, actually late last year was his 50th birthday. And, um, and I, I sent him a message

00:03:41.180 because his kids, his kid that I don't know, reaches out to me and says, Hey, we're doing a

00:03:45.220 surprise for Tony. He would love to, to have a message from you that just the fact that his

00:03:51.280 family knows me. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Is in itself. I'm like flattered, you know, and in that message

00:03:56.940 to Tony, I told Tony, he's like, man, uh, I love you. And if you ever need me, I'm on a plane.

00:04:03.520 And that's, and that's true. I just love service. Yeah. I do that in a second. If I got a call from

00:04:08.900 Tony says, I need you out in Timbuktu to help me out, I would stop what I'm doing and go help him.

00:04:15.640 Yeah. That's, that's how strong those relationships are. So. Yeah. Well, I, I got a, I got a message

00:04:21.060 from one of our guys and they said in the, in the iron council, and they said that they're doing an

00:04:26.180 event. He sent me an email. I haven't, I scanned it briefly. I've been traveling, but he sent me an

00:04:30.680 email and said they're doing an event together. And he was telling me about it. I'm like, man,

00:04:34.360 this is awesome. Like, this is so cool. I know one of the biggest struggles for guys is

00:04:38.880 finding other like-minded high caliber men who are interested in self-improvement.

00:04:43.440 And it's pretty cool that it's all built in, in right there. And these guys are

00:04:46.460 taking it upon themselves. This is nothing I told them to do. They're taking it upon themselves to

00:04:51.060 go out and connect and build something meaningful in real life. It's, it's awesome. So, well, I mean,

00:04:57.020 not to, I mean, obviously you want to be humble, but you know, it's your framework that makes that

00:05:01.860 possible. And so we're all internally grateful for you putting that together too.

00:05:06.440 Look, I appreciate that. And I'll accept that compliment, but I will, I will also say that

00:05:12.400 it's our framework. You know, it's one of the things I see in this, this men's movement space,

00:05:18.660 if you will. And there's a, there's a lot of movements in the manosphere, manosphere. It's

00:05:23.300 all built around this. Usually, typically this central figurehead that is at the top of the hierarchy

00:05:30.000 and, you know, it's his way or the highway. And, and, and it's all built around this,

00:05:35.660 this worship or this idolization of this central figurehead. And that's wrong. That's wrong.

00:05:43.220 It's just, it's not, look, somebody has got to lead. I'm not saying that somebody has got to have

00:05:47.520 the vision and somebody has got to have systems and structures and be pointing people in the right

00:05:51.820 direction. Of course, there's got to be a captain of the ship, but we've created something.

00:05:56.600 Now I haven't created something. We have created something, you know, you and I, and the team

00:06:01.660 leaders and guys that are in the iron council, and even listeners who give suggestions and feedback.

00:06:06.620 This is not built around me. This is built around systems that have proven to work.

00:06:10.760 And look, I, I'm just as guilty of not following the system. And when I don't follow the system,

00:06:17.900 even though it's something that I've identified and built and constructed, when I don't follow the

00:06:23.160 systems, my life doesn't go well. And when I do follow the systems, it does go well. It's,

00:06:30.260 it's like that, that concept of detachment from Jocko. It's like just detach and just follow the

00:06:37.000 system. It's like working out. How do you get strong? Everybody knows, just follow the system.

00:06:44.420 Don't go, don't come at me with your excuses. Don't tell me why you can, or you can't, or what

00:06:49.760 you're dealing with or what your struggle, what your personal situation is. You're either going

00:06:53.220 to follow the system or you're not. Those are the only two options. And I think that's what it is

00:06:59.900 here. Yeah. No, that's powerful, man. Especially when it comes to like how you feel, there's even

00:07:07.580 like an emotional state to what you're saying, Ryan, about following the system. And I do this

00:07:12.100 mental gymnastics with myself all the time where I'll go to the gym. I'm tired. I'm not feeling it.

00:07:17.560 I don't want to do legs. I hate leg day, or I hate certain exercises. I don't want to do

00:07:23.580 200 lunges yet. Like I'll add all this, like, ah, and then I, and then when I get to that mindset of

00:07:30.880 like, no, the, the objective is do that the best I can. That's it. Right. Yeah. That's it. Just do the

00:07:39.720 best you can and then move on, you know, do your best and forget the rest. That's it. And, and

00:07:44.560 start adding what it means, you know, exactly. And also do your best doesn't mean don't do your

00:07:51.720 best and convince yourself that you had an excuse not to do your best. It means do it correctly

00:07:57.920 and to the best of your ability. Yeah. But, but for me, I was like, I had meaning if I come up short

00:08:03.340 or I'm not lifting as heavy as I could for some odd reason, I'm like, that's not the objective.

00:08:07.480 The system is do the best, push the rep until you can't. And where it is, is where it is. And

00:08:15.580 that's where, you know, that's where you got to let it be. So that's right. Yeah. Well, cool. Let's

00:08:19.660 get into some questions. Um, just so you know, obviously we talked about the iron council just

00:08:23.260 there. It wasn't meant to be an advertisement. Maybe it's a little bit like one, uh, but that being

00:08:29.200 said timely, the iron council is open right now and we're open for about a week and a half. So, uh,

00:08:35.140 get on it or remand.com slash iron council. We've got a lot of new guys in the iron council right

00:08:39.620 now, and that will continue to happen, uh, over the next week and a half or so. All right. So we

00:08:43.800 have one question from last week, just to, to wrap up. And then we have new questions from the iron

00:08:47.880 council. So the first question, great, uh, Jay Grindrod, what, what is your take on three on the

00:08:54.500 three banks folding in the past week? So this is roughly about two weeks ago. Did we cover this?

00:09:01.260 Yeah. Because I got, I got a little bit on my soapbox and I got a little

00:09:04.820 excited about, um, fractionalized banking and, uh, federal reserve. I think I talked about some

00:09:11.520 of that. So totally. Well, look at me, you know, unprepared left a question in there that I

00:09:16.580 shouldn't have. All good. All authentic here, guys. If you guys want to answer that question,

00:09:24.140 subscribe, and then go back and listen to last week's episode. There you go. That's my way of

00:09:28.320 pitching old episodes. Well, that's my way of doing it. I created the opportunity for you to

00:09:36.080 say that. So it's really my, yeah. All right. Jose Vela, how to stop friending women because it's

00:09:43.520 your comfort zone and what to do to cut off women you are friends with because you are interested in

00:09:49.540 them while they are in a relationship or holding and holding for hope. Oh yeah. Okay. So, well,

00:09:56.260 the first thing, so I'm assuming he's dating, he's, he's in, he's in the market. Uh, the first

00:10:01.900 thing I think you need to do is figure out what you want. I think you need to be really clear. Are

00:10:05.780 you looking to get married? Are you looking to have some fun? Are you looking for a girlfriend to

00:10:10.060 have, have some companionship and that's it? Or are you looking for a friend? What is the intent?

00:10:16.300 If you're looking for marriage and I assume that you are, or at least a long-term committed

00:10:21.500 relationship. Otherwise, otherwise you'd be annoyed that you want to stop being friends

00:10:26.440 with women that aren't interested in you. Yeah. Cause you're, you want something more,

00:10:30.100 right? Or maybe you just want sex. I look, I don't agree with that necessarily, but that could be

00:10:34.840 something that you want and you don't want to be friend zone because you want to be intimate with,

00:10:39.000 with these women. Okay. You know, I can understand that. Uh, so figure out what you want and if you're 0.89

00:10:45.260 not getting what you want and the way that you're behaving is not leading you towards that result,

00:10:49.120 then you've got to change your behavior. And this is what we were talking about earlier with

00:10:52.500 the systems that your current system is not getting you what you want. It's getting you

00:10:56.900 friend zoned. So you can either complain and gripe and moan and bitch and come up with excuses about 1.00

00:11:03.260 why you keep getting friend zoned, or you can figure out why that's the case, what you're doing

00:11:07.800 and change. I think a great resource for this without knowing a whole lot about you would be the book.

00:11:13.920 No more Mr. Nice guy. Uh, it, it seems like nice guys, quote unquote, nice guys are friends with

00:11:21.580 girls by women because they're, they're trying to be, you know, respectful and courteous and they're 0.97

00:11:28.640 not, they're no longer assertive. Look, if, if I was on a date with a woman and, or I was interested

00:11:34.380 in a woman and she wasn't interested in being more than friends, then I'm not going to continue to date 1.00

00:11:40.660 her because that's not what I want. And I think it would be important for you to say that.

00:11:46.240 So if a woman says, Hey, look, I'm in a relationship. I want to, I want to be friends

00:11:49.480 with you. Then the answer is I can appreciate that. I can respect that. That's not what I'm

00:11:54.340 interested in. I wish you the best and a good luck. And then go find somebody that can actually give you

00:12:02.420 what you're looking for because a per a woman in a relationship cannot give you that woman who is 0.99

00:12:09.880 not interested in you romantically cannot give you that. So deal with it, like operate in reality.

00:12:18.580 And the more you hang around like a little puppy dog, the less attracted she is to you. So you say

00:12:24.240 you're holding out hope for this woman who's in a relationship and she's looking at you look,

00:12:28.180 and I'm being honest, but it's coming from a position of care. She's looking at you as if

00:12:33.020 you're pathetic. She's repulsed. I guarantee she's repulsed by it. You've got to assert yourself

00:12:39.960 and tell people what you want. And that is also true of romantic interests. I would like to develop

00:12:46.880 a more person, a more intimate relationship with you. This is where I see us going. This is where I

00:12:54.460 would like to go. And who knows if you actually do that more, you might find that these women 0.98

00:12:59.780 would be open to that, but you're not even giving yourself a chance. And I think I have a hunch it's

00:13:06.760 because you're being nice, overly nice. You're letting your, your quote unquote manners take you

00:13:12.780 out of the romantic market. Yeah. And, and he explains this as a, and it is, it is a covert contract,

00:13:19.400 right? Because you're, and what's interesting about having covert contracts with people when

00:13:25.000 we're not highly transparent with them is you start getting frustrated with these people too.

00:13:31.500 You're, you're frustrated with her because it's nothing more than a friendship, but yet you're not

00:13:36.700 saying anything. You're not established the standard of what you're looking for. You're not having the

00:13:42.120 conversation. And this is why nice guys end up not being nice guys ended up being lashing out and

00:13:48.800 end up being kind of assholes to people is because they're walking around to be frank,

00:13:55.640 manipulating other individuals and expecting different outcomes without being clear in their

00:14:00.860 communication. Right. Well, and then look, you're, you're right. I agree. And I, and I would take

00:14:06.800 manipulation as a negative connotation. So maybe we can use a different word, but influence.

00:14:12.160 If I would like you to, if I would like to influence you to do something, Kip, one of the best ways to do

00:14:18.380 that is to tell you what I want and ask you to give it to me. What? No, no, no, no, no. Hold

00:14:25.220 on. That doesn't work. It's so great. Expectations. Yeah. It's so crazy. I mean, we do it all the time,

00:14:33.120 but like, if you're interested in a woman, then I think the best thing you can do in that, look,

00:14:38.300 there's ways to do it, but you say, Hey, you know, I've really had a nice time over the last several

00:14:43.880 months with you. I would like to take this a step further. Would you like to do that? Like,

00:14:50.500 why can't we do that? Yes. I mean, we can, but it's so weird that we don't, we should be more that

00:14:56.300 way. And you know what? I'll tell you what I think, and this, this is generally true. That's

00:15:00.260 masculine behavior. It's assertive. It's proactive. It's, it's, it's directional. It's leadership.

00:15:06.400 Yeah. And, and I think based on my own anecdotal evidence and that's in, in my own personal life

00:15:15.020 and the messages that I'm getting that that's actually what women want. Like a woman wants you 1.00

00:15:22.320 to take leadership. She wants you to take charge. She wants you to have a direction. She wants clarity

00:15:28.260 from you. And I think more women would gladly follow a man like that because there's so few and

00:15:34.280 far between these days. So maybe if you step up that way, you're going to give yourself

00:15:39.320 and you don't have to worry about the girls that are friend zoning you. Cause you have so many 1.00

00:15:43.520 opportunities with girls who are, I shouldn't say girls. I don't like that term women. That's more 0.99

00:15:49.300 appropriate. You have, you have more opportunities with women who are interested in you. And you're not

00:15:54.740 even worried about the women who are more interested in just being friends. You don't have time for it. 0.99

00:15:58.820 Totally. Totally. All right. Dustin Stokes. Um, I was reading this a little bit earlier and I

00:16:06.320 we'll, we'll see how I do on this one. So recently several podcasts, sermons, and et cetera,

00:16:11.960 have dealt with the concepts that to realize success, it's usually accompanied with reasons,

00:16:17.860 seasons of struggle, character building, building, and challenges. It's also discussed that if you tend

00:16:24.540 to get the same results, see similar patterns that aren't what you want, changes in mindset,

00:16:30.100 strategy, process are required. In seasons of challenge, what mindset shifts have happened for

00:16:35.860 both of you? What was your experience going through the valleys? And then the character development it

00:16:41.500 took to realize and sustain success that you have achieved. Tag to that. When did you realize that in

00:16:48.240 certain areas you needed to keep doing what you have always done just a little bit more versus

00:16:53.540 shifting up strategy and process. I think Seth Godin's the dip and the story of the gold miner who

00:17:00.460 gave up three from the vein of gold that they thought had to run out. I don't know that reference, but

00:17:07.340 Okay. Yeah. There's, there's a lot going on here. Um, I would say, look in times of struggle, and I've

00:17:13.100 certainly met my fair share of struggle even recently. Uh, I, I've, I think a great question to ask

00:17:18.980 yourself is why is this happening? And I don't mean, I don't mean what the negative spin to it,

00:17:25.540 which is why is this happening to me? Yeah. It is understanding. Yes. Just understanding it. Yeah.

00:17:32.740 And look, the reason it's happening is because you're doing something or not doing something and

00:17:39.120 it's producing that result in your life. That's why. So we need to get to the root of what's producing

00:17:43.680 that result, what behavior, what communication or lack thereof, what, what pattern, what thought

00:17:49.640 process is producing that result. And the more that we can dive into that, whether it's journaling

00:17:54.740 or self-reflection or even externalization, talking with other people who see it from a different

00:18:00.200 perspective, the more you can get clear with that and start to identify what is the root of this problem.

00:18:06.660 It's you, by the way. Yeah. Then you can actually start to do something about it. So even in the

00:18:12.440 midst of something horrific or horrible or tragic or unfortunate, you can ask yourself, why is this

00:18:18.200 taking place? And then the next question is, what am I learning from this or what should I learn from

00:18:25.760 this? Okay. So this thing is happening. I lost my job or I lost my wife or I lost my dog, whatever.

00:18:31.860 Like, okay, this is happening. And why? Well, this is how I was behaving and this is how I was showing

00:18:38.980 up. Okay. What do I need to learn? So this doesn't happen again, or I can change my current

00:18:43.400 circumstances and situation. Great. Make a list of that, start doing that. And another question I like

00:18:48.220 to ask, and this is visionary is who will I be after this? And I think that's important because it's hard

00:18:57.340 to be in the trenches. It's hard to be out. Yeah. Yeah. Hope is diminished, right? It's hard to see

00:19:05.620 the light at the end of the tunnel when you're going through something that's really, really

00:19:09.180 difficult. So you need to manufacture some hope. And I think the best way you can do that is by asking

00:19:15.380 yourself, who will I become if I figure out what it is I did wrong and I start doing things better

00:19:25.040 or differently that will produce different outcomes. And then you can see that guy might

00:19:29.480 be in the distant future. He might be very, very hazy, very out of focus, but at least you can see

00:19:35.720 and you can begin to work towards who that person is. And when you're down and you don't feel like

00:19:42.580 engaging in the new patterns and behaviors, you can turn to that vision that you have for yourself

00:19:47.720 and start putting yourself back on the path. Totally. Totally. You know, he had another question,

00:19:53.640 so I don't know if you want to cover this because, or I can speak to it too, because it did resonate

00:19:58.260 with me. He said that, you know, when we have these seasons and then one of the questions was,

00:20:04.320 when do you just do what you're doing, but double down, right? And when do you know it's a pivot versus

00:20:10.420 I just need to do that thing more or better? Yeah. I would love to hear what you have. I have a

00:20:15.360 couple of ideas as always. I'm not at a loss for words, but I'd love to have you.

00:20:18.520 Well, the only thing that crosses my mind and it's actually been something that

00:20:25.740 I haven't been that good at honing in on. This is a more of a recent thing for me

00:20:32.400 to realize what my talents are, kind of my superpowers, like what I'm good at

00:20:37.080 and how do I magnify those things. And so to answer your question, Dustin, those are the areas

00:20:44.340 where I'd say, Hey, I need to do more of that, or I need to develop those more. And I'm still in this

00:20:50.520 actually from a book, Extraordinary Leader by Zinger Fultman. And the whole premise of that book is

00:20:57.780 when you take something that you're good at and become exceptional with it, your impact is

00:21:06.040 substantially greater than you trying to improve areas that you're weak. And that's the whole premise

00:21:12.160 of that book. Now, maybe even said a religious way, those areas that I'm really good at already

00:21:17.740 think through them, right? Like for me, it's like, those are my God-given talents. Second,

00:21:22.980 there are things I'm already passionate about. That's why I'm good at them. And so my ability

00:21:27.760 to become exceptional in them is substantially easier than me tackling an area that I'm weak,

00:21:34.480 right? As long as the area that I'm weak, it's not like a toxic thing, right? And so I think that

00:21:39.460 awareness of where your kind of your superpowers are, where your talents are, those are the areas

00:21:44.600 that you should double down in and go, Hey, you know what? I got a talent here, right? I know, Ryan,

00:21:49.140 you mentioned this all the time. It's like, you're a really great marketer. Like, do you have a talent

00:21:55.380 for that? That's not something you should pivot from. That's something that you should double down

00:22:00.840 on and go, Hey, I'm really good at this. And I can even become even better at it. And you're going

00:22:06.120 to have better gains in that focused area. Yeah, that's awesome. I love that. Cause there

00:22:10.800 is a, a, a school of thought that says, you know, find your weaknesses and, and shore those up. And

00:22:17.180 you should, of course, but also you need to be, this is hard too, because culture tells you not,

00:22:24.680 not to acknowledge that because you could be arrogant or egotistical and it's not arrogant or

00:22:30.960 egotistical to realize what you're good at and to recognize it. So the current culture is be humble.

00:22:36.420 And the minute it's like crabs in the bucket, you guys have all heard that analogy. The minute

00:22:40.120 somebody starts to move out of the bucket, everybody else grabs them and pulls them down.

00:22:44.480 And you'll see that. Like if you say, you know, I'm really good at marketing or I feel like I'm,

00:22:50.200 I'm really good with, with money. Everybody else like, Oh, no, you know, whatever. Well,

00:22:54.200 it wouldn't be nice, you know, and then they're all going to try to pull you down. So culture 0.99

00:22:57.480 really doesn't want you to do that. And so you need to do it. You need to actively know what

00:23:03.240 you're good at. I was going to go in a different direction. So I'm glad you brought that up. I was

00:23:07.920 going to say, number one, are you having incremental improvements? You know, you, it may not be as great

00:23:13.940 and grand as you'd like. I think a lot about this in the workout space. If you're a hundred pounds

00:23:18.420 overweight, you're going to, uh, see some, some big results very quickly if you follow the systems,

00:23:25.680 but the, the more fit that you get, the less it is that you're going to see those returns.

00:23:32.060 And that could be discouraging to somebody. Yeah. But are you having incremental gains? And if you

00:23:38.620 are, then, you know, you're at least kind of on the path, but the best thing you can do is to get

00:23:45.200 credible, qualified feedback. Because somebody who's credible and qualified in whatever area of life

00:23:55.000 you're talking about can tell you, Hey, you're doing good. I know you're not seeing the results.

00:24:01.880 I know it's hard to tell where this is going, but stay the course you're doing well. A great coach

00:24:07.300 will do that. A great coach will also say, Hey, what you're doing isn't working. You're deviating,

00:24:14.240 or you're not seeing the results because you're not doing X, Y, and Z, or you are doing A, B, and C,

00:24:18.740 and you shouldn't be doing that. And so an external coach will be able to tell you somebody that's

00:24:23.440 walked the path before can tell you where to step. You don't know where to step because you

00:24:29.160 don't have the map, but the map is out there and you have to find somebody who already has walked

00:24:34.120 that trail. Dude, that's so profound because I also think that it's the, what's the analogy I've

00:24:42.180 used? Like, it's hard to see the label when you're in the jar, right? And sometimes you just don't know,

00:24:48.680 right? Because you're not outside the jar and you just need someone from a different viewpoint going,

00:24:53.120 Hey, actually you're, you're doing great. Yeah. And, and you just don't know that you are

00:24:58.880 right. So, um, yeah, there's huge power in that. Last thing I'll say is high achievers tend to

00:25:05.060 never look back. I fall into that camp Kip. I think you probably do as well.

00:25:09.580 So a lot of guys who are high achievers are onto the next thing. Once they accomplish a goal,

00:25:14.140 that's good. But I think it does pay to look back every once in a while and say,

00:25:18.880 holy cow, I, I came a lot further than I thought. Totally. And there's a value in that because what

00:25:24.640 hope. Yeah. If I was there a year ago and I'm here today, then imagine where I'll be in two years.

00:25:32.720 And isn't that hope and optimism? We already talked about the value of that. Totally. Yeah. That's one

00:25:38.360 thing that Asia's good at is, uh, she'll remind me where I've come from, you know, and I look back and 1.00

00:25:47.140 go, where, who you were before she met you. Yeah. Or really just like how I, or how I was raised,

00:25:53.840 right? Like how I was raised in my relationship with money, right? Like, you know, for all intents

00:25:58.620 and purposes, I should be some, you know, running a farm in Elsinore, you know, make a 20 K a year and

00:26:05.640 you know what I mean? I don't know. Like not, not succeeding. Right. And, and so, you know,

00:26:12.300 there's lots of ways that, that I can actually look past, pass over my life and go, man, you know

00:26:17.740 what? Holy crap. Like good job, kid. Yeah. You know, but yeah, you lose sight of it and you're

00:26:23.180 just like, nah, not good enough. Right. Or it's the next thing or, or whatever. So, you know,

00:26:28.520 if you think about us and how fragile we are, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally,

00:26:33.160 we should all be a bunch of losers. You know, I mean, think about everything that's happened in

00:26:39.080 your life. And I'm not here to compare and go over sob stories with each other, but think about

00:26:43.580 everything that you've dealt with in life. And yet here you are. Yeah. You know, you're, you're

00:26:50.340 listening to this podcast, you're in your car, or maybe you're at the gym or you're mowing your lawn.

00:26:55.540 And all of those are indicators that you've done something right. Totally. You're got a car,

00:27:00.900 you're at the gym, you're mowing the lawn that you own, or maybe it's somebody else's and you've got a

00:27:04.960 job and you're earning money and like, you're doing something right. And you can have some hope

00:27:10.260 in that, that even in the darkest of times, you've got to be alive. You're here. You've got through

00:27:17.280 everything else that you've gone through. And some of it certainly more tragic than what you're going

00:27:21.540 through now. And here you are. So you can certainly get through this. I've always loved, uh, John Gary

00:27:28.900 Bishop. He, he uses this analogy of like every game that we're playing, we're all winning at it.

00:27:35.460 Right. So awesome. Now, you know, you can win a game. So change the game, but the game that you're

00:27:42.380 playing, you're winning. Otherwise you want to be here. Yeah. So cool. All right. Robert Frags,

00:27:49.920 what are you talking? Uh, you are talking to a girl, but you find out, man, these questions that I

00:27:57.240 should have read this ahead. It's, I thought this one was trolling, but I kind of want to talk about

00:28:01.520 it. Actually. Of course you want to talk about it. I just went, I just went awkwardly, you know,

00:28:07.100 I don't know. I like, I'm like, is that the right word? Okay. That's the right word. I'm pretty sure.

00:28:13.320 Let me level set here. Okay. Here we go. Robert. Thank you, sir. Are you talking? You are talking to a

00:28:19.140 girl, but you find out that she masturbates. Do you continue to pursue her? 1.00

00:28:24.000 Kip, you're like a 12 year old little boy. This is so funny. If you guys can see him on video,

00:28:32.560 he's blushing. He's like tripping over his way, sweating. Like I can see the pitch.

00:28:38.780 Sometimes you have to admit some of these questions are kind of funny, but this one's yeah. Look, I

00:28:48.700 don't want to, I don't want to say it's funny because I don't know. I don't know what the

00:28:52.320 situation is. I look, okay. One thing I'm working on and then we'll get to this question,

00:28:57.020 but one thing I'm working on through a series of challenging events in my life is just being a bit

00:29:03.020 more empathetic than I've been in the past, you know, and, and, and trying to realize like, I don't

00:29:08.080 know what people are dealing with because people don't know what I'm dealing with. And, uh, I think,

00:29:13.660 I think it would be better if everybody just gave each other a bit more grace,

00:29:18.660 you know, like we poke at people and we mock them and we assume that we know what they're going

00:29:25.060 through or that they're weak or they're pathetic. And it's like, you know, I actually don't know.

00:29:30.300 I don't, I don't know what people are dealing with. And I don't know why this question is

00:29:34.920 relevant to the, to who was it? To Robert. And I don't mean to, I'm not poking fun of you,

00:29:41.020 Robert. No, I know. I don't think you are. It's just the conversation of masturbation is always fun

00:29:44.960 to have on the order of man podcast. So, well, so here, here's what I would say there. So it was

00:29:50.800 Robert, you said, yes, sir. Okay. So there's one thing I want to address first. Like I alluded to this

00:29:56.140 earlier. I think there's, there's a bigger problem, not problem, a bigger thing that we should address

00:30:01.260 here. You say, I'm talking to this girl. Number one, I hope she's not a girl and that this is a 1.00

00:30:09.780 woman. Yeah. So let's address it that way. And I think it is. I'm not, I'm, you know, but let's

00:30:15.700 make sure we, I think it's important. I hear people say, oh, I'm dating this girl. I'm like, no,

00:30:20.920 you're dating a woman. Like let, let's use that language. That to me is, is valuable, important.

00:30:26.820 And also talking to what does that mean? Yeah. Look, we got to get past that.

00:30:35.640 Like you have a relationship or you're just chatting with her.

00:30:39.800 Yeah. And I'm not saying this to Robert directly. I'm saying this at large, like this talking thing.

00:30:45.800 No, you're not talking. It's so non-committal. It's, it's just such a weak position. Like you don't

00:30:55.080 know where you stand. She doesn't know where she stands. There was this video of this, this woman, 0.99

00:31:01.820 young woman, and she was interviewed on a podcast and she said, like about 3000 times in a period of,

00:31:09.900 of 60 seconds. It's like when we first started recording. Yeah. This video went viral and

00:31:17.160 everybody's making fun of her because she's, she's like, like, like, like all the time. It's annoying. 0.80

00:31:22.040 It's a, it's a, it's a crutch. It's a, it's a speech crutch, but she might just be nervous. Who

00:31:27.060 knows? But she's actually making an interesting point. And I don't know if you've seen this video.

00:31:33.960 Have you seen it Kip that I'm talking? She's talking about the worst part of dating is what 0.73

00:31:41.340 she refers to as the talking stage. And this is a modern concept. Well, we're talking about what

00:31:50.880 are you dating? Are you not dating? And she's so confused. I think what she's saying is that

00:31:56.320 she's confused by the talking stages because everything's so non-committal. Everything's

00:32:03.600 just kind of passive. There's no direction in relationships, this hookup culture that we have.

00:32:10.900 It's not. Yeah. There's that's the term that lacks commitment and clarity of the relationship being

00:32:18.420 defined. Yes. So I think that's worthy of a discussion and I don't know Robert's situation.

00:32:25.260 I just think the language he used is interesting. I'm talking to you. Are you dating her? Is she a 0.97

00:32:32.020 coworker and you would like to date her? Like what, what is happening here? Okay. So let's address

00:32:37.220 that. Second thing is a hard one for me because that wouldn't bother me. And I think it's important

00:32:44.680 that you ask yourself why that bothers you. Cause it sounds like maybe there's a. It's like it is a

00:32:50.380 religious thing. Maybe. And I don't, again, this goes back to my, my, me trying to be empathetic.

00:32:55.980 I don't know, but that to me doesn't, that wouldn't bother me. In fact, the fact that she's open

00:33:00.360 about it, that's, that's kind of interesting to me. I'm like, this is an interesting development.

00:33:06.160 We're only talking and she's throwing out all kinds of stuff that she's doing. 0.98

00:33:09.420 Yeah. Let's talk some more together sometime or. So I, I think that there's an opportunity

00:33:16.620 if you are in more than just talking to that, if you're in a relationship with somebody that

00:33:21.160 you actually have a discussion about that, have a discussion about sex, have a discussion

00:33:26.860 about intimacy, have a discussion about what's exciting and what turns you on and what doesn't.

00:33:32.440 Totally.

00:33:32.720 I don't, I don't see a problem with that, but who am I to say he should or should not? I,

00:33:37.440 that's up to him. But if it is a problem for you and you do like this woman, then I think

00:33:43.660 it's worthy of a discussion before you just kick her to the curb for something that seems

00:33:49.660 important to you.

00:33:50.440 And just maybe understand it, right? Like maybe, maybe you're making some assumptions

00:33:54.740 about her masturbation. I don't know. I don't know what that means.

00:34:00.400 Maybe, maybe you can fill the void that she's got, which sounds well, I mean, literally and

00:34:06.440 figuratively.

00:34:07.180 Yeah.

00:34:09.880 You know, I, I, uh,

00:34:11.440 Sounds like an opportunity for you there, Robert.

00:34:13.780 That's what I'm thinking in my mind. But again, I don't want, again, look, I don't want to make

00:34:17.440 light of whatever your reasoning is, but if it is a reason and it is a woman that you like 0.98

00:34:22.900 and you want to explore things further, then you owe it to her and you owe it to her, to

00:34:27.880 yourself to have a conversation about it and get to the root of the problem or the root of

00:34:33.880 what's going on. And, and it might be a deal breaker. It's not for me, but it might be for

00:34:40.560 you. And that's the thing we got to realize. And I, and I see this all the time is especially

00:34:45.060 in like men's forums, Facebook, things like that. Guys will say, you know, this woman that

00:34:50.900 I'm dating or seeing or married to is doing this thing and it's a deal breaker or, or it's not a

00:34:55.720 deal breaker. And other men chime in, well, that shouldn't be a problem because X, Y, and Z, or

00:34:59.360 that should be a problem. Well, it's first of all, it's not your problem. And I don't get to decide

00:35:05.580 what's a deal breaker for you or not. For me, if I'm in that situation, it's not for me, but for you,

00:35:11.500 maybe it is. And if it is anything can be a deal breaker guys, but I think you owe her and yourself

00:35:18.060 some further discussion about it. Yeah. And I think most deal breakers is your interpretation

00:35:24.100 of what the action means is the deal breaker. Right. And so make sure that that's reality and

00:35:30.440 that you're dealing with reality and not your perception of whatever. Well, and I, I tend to

00:35:35.420 think that if this is a, this might be more of a spiritual thing. Yeah. And if it is, then there's

00:35:41.440 probably greater differences than whether or not she masturbates. Yeah. Like you're probably not

00:35:46.140 aligned religiously in all kinds of areas, let alone this. Yeah. Potentially. Yeah, for sure.

00:35:51.620 All right. We expect updates there, Robert. Okay. No. All right. Regan Huffner,

00:36:00.180 how to help and encourage someone struggling with an addiction, like alcohol, drugs, or pornography

00:36:06.040 without just downplaying this issue and telling them it's okay. Well, that doesn't help. That's

00:36:12.140 not. Yeah. Yeah. That's not clear about that. So that's good. That it's good that he's calling

00:36:16.760 it out. Right. Cause that's not how you help them. Yeah. Right. And we've talked about this. If you

00:36:21.020 really care about somebody, then you're going to do and say what's necessary to help them. But then at

00:36:26.300 some point you got to let the chips fall where they may, cause this is a grown ass man. Yeah.

00:36:29.940 Are they willing to give up the very thing that's making them sick? Right. And if they're not,

00:36:35.340 then what are you going to do? Like put, put spyware on their computer and checking on them

00:36:40.160 every time or like cut their credit cards up so they can't go to the, you know, wherever and get

00:36:45.080 a bottle of booze. You're not going to do that. Well, or not to, not to get to like too serious

00:36:49.920 here, but what we typically do, Ryan, is we'll withhold our relationship from them. We'll, we'll,

00:36:56.760 we'll show them that we don't love them as much. And trust me, that's not going to help.

00:37:02.160 Yeah. So be, be careful not to remove yourself, uh, you know, in a way that comes across as not

00:37:10.500 caring and loving. If anything, those people need to know that they are loved and that they're cared

00:37:16.880 for. And sometimes we're tempted to withhold ourselves from people when they don't do what

00:37:23.740 we think they should do. Yeah. That's a great point. You know? So look, I, I, I think the best

00:37:32.820 thing that you can do is try to acknowledge whether or not they want to help open yourself up to a

00:37:40.840 conversation by addressing it. Hey, I see a behavior in you and I'm worried and I'm worried because I love

00:37:46.180 you. I care about you. And I've seen people go down this road and it's not good. Are you,

00:37:51.200 are you comfortable with where you are? Or is this, is this a challenge that you're trying to

00:37:56.760 overcome? And if they say, Oh no, I'm good with where I am. Okay. All right, bro. Well, I'm here.

00:38:02.620 If you ever look again, I don't agree with that behavior. I'm here for you. I love you care about you.

00:38:08.400 Um, so I don't, I don't agree with that, but I'm still here. And, uh, if you ever want to talk

00:38:13.300 about it more, we can talk about it. If they do say, yeah, you know, man, I'm drinking and I can't,

00:38:18.940 I I've struggled with it and I can't, I can't get over it and I can't deal with it. And I don't know

00:38:24.200 what to do. Okay. That's the top further, but yeah, as a friend, yeah, you definitely, you definitely

00:38:30.900 bring it to the surface and then you figure out where to go from there. Ryan, one thing that I'm

00:38:36.060 hearing too is if you came to me initially and said, Hey Kip, you know, I think, you know,

00:38:42.760 I don't want to agree with this behavior. I'm concerned about you or whatever. And even if

00:38:46.960 I downplay it and like, no, no, no, dude, I'm fine. Whatever. Further down the path, when I do

00:38:53.240 realize I have a problem, I know who to talk to. I immediately go, you know what? Ryan brought

00:39:01.820 this up to me now. Now the door is open for me to like, dude, I'm struggling where if you never

00:39:09.560 had that first conversation with me, I may still keep it in. I may not reach out because what am I

00:39:15.840 concerned about? Looking good, right? I'm worried about the judgment that I'm going to get from you

00:39:19.620 or whatever. Well, you've already judged me earlier, right? You already judged me and said, Hey Kip,

00:39:24.040 love you, man. I don't agree with this behavior. I'm here for you. Now I know I can come talk to you.

00:39:29.960 So I think that first initial conversation is super critical. That way these people know

00:39:38.000 that you're available to them and that you're not passing judgment and that you're willing to help

00:39:43.900 when they're willing to get some help. Right. Yeah. And I think there are opportunities and

00:39:49.260 moments where you can briefly, you know, interject that thing, you know, so if I bring up alcohol abuse

00:39:55.580 Kip to you and, and you didn't seem interested in help or discussion about it, uh, I might down the

00:40:01.780 road, I might, you know, it might be driving somewhere on a road trip or whatever. And I might

00:40:05.560 say to you, Hey Kip, you know, you know, several months ago, I mentioned drinking, like I was worried

00:40:11.140 about you. Um, everything okay there. You got everything under control or, or is it, you know,

00:40:15.800 like just sprinkle that in not every conversation, but like, but create the environment where

00:40:22.500 somebody, cause look, guys aren't going to open up. They're really not like, you're not going to

00:40:27.580 open up. So what makes you think a friend is going to do it. But if you create the environment and you

00:40:32.580 foster the environment, then that might be, Hey, you know what? I was really embarrassed a couple of

00:40:37.980 months ago when you were telling me about it. Um, but I've processed it since. And yeah, I actually,

00:40:44.000 I'm actually struggling, man. Or, you know, the reason I drink so much is because I'm dealing with

00:40:50.180 this thing and nobody knows about it. And I figured I'd tell you since you were asking about

00:40:54.240 it because you created an environment to be able to do it. So don't be overwhelming. Don't,

00:41:00.960 you know, beat them over the head with your club about what's good and what's not good for them,

00:41:05.100 but create a healthy environment. I think about this with our children, you know, our children come

00:41:10.740 to us and they do dumb things and, you know, same things we did when we were kids. And when they,

00:41:15.940 when they do those dumb things, you have a really good opportunity to ruin the relationship between

00:41:23.740 you two or make it better. And so when your kids share something with you, the way you respond and

00:41:33.100 react is what's going to determine which direction that goes. If you flip your lid and blow a gasket and

00:41:40.920 blow up and yell at them or, you know, whatever, they're never going to tell you anything else.

00:41:45.940 Yeah. But if you're stern and you're fair and you should be and disciplined with them,

00:41:51.240 but you do it with love and compassion and empathy and care, then like, there's still consequences,

00:41:58.420 but at least you're opening the window for them to be able to confide in you down the road.

00:42:05.160 Yeah. I've had, I've had, I've had, you know, my kids are getting a little bit older,

00:42:10.320 14 and 12 are my two oldest. And I've had them tell me things that I'm not pleased with.

00:42:14.280 Yeah. But I feel like I've, I feel like I've always done a pretty good job of saying, all right,

00:42:22.280 well, let's get through this together. Like, okay, let's, and there's, there's still consequences.

00:42:27.760 Yeah. I'm like, Hey bud, we're going to get through this together. Let's figure this out. You know,

00:42:31.080 here's, here's the consequences and here's why. And, uh, let's, let's work through this. Let's,

00:42:36.260 let's, let's do this together. Yeah. I feel like I've done a pretty good job at that. Maybe I,

00:42:40.420 maybe, maybe I haven't, but I think that's something that's been important in the relationships

00:42:44.880 I have with my kids. Yeah. I mean, that principle to own, like, if you don't like how people are

00:42:50.840 engaging with you, like, Oh, my kids don't talk to me or my spouse doesn't talk to me or my employees

00:42:56.980 don't communicate issues. The probability is really high that you have taught them

00:43:03.020 how to engage with you. Yeah. And, and we've probably dropped the ball in the past and they've

00:43:09.460 learned not, I can't go to dad to about this. I can't go to Ryan about these things because we

00:43:15.500 handled them incorrectly. I know I was that way with my, my parents. I knew I couldn't go to my

00:43:20.100 parents about certain things because they blew up when I gave them a chance. Right. So, yeah.

00:43:25.860 Cool. What's next? Wayne McPherson, in light of the recent AI revelations this past couple of weeks,

00:43:34.800 coupled with fill in the blank schooling systems, what would your advice be for a son or a daughter

00:43:40.220 on this post-secondary education career choices? For example, my son's university closed in his second

00:43:47.220 year of earning his CPA due to COVID. He went to work framing houses and hasn't looked back. He loves

00:43:53.060 them both. So desire is evenly weighed. His mother isn't happy. She's kind of old school,

00:43:59.080 wants the whole degree. Whereas I'm more natural, neutral, if not learning more towards framing,

00:44:05.300 because it's a digital revolution. Your thoughts in general.

00:44:09.820 So my thoughts on, on post-secondary education?

00:44:13.460 Yeah. And, and this kind of, I don't know, he's maybe any thoughts you have around artificial

00:44:19.420 intelligence and the schooling system and, you know, digital world versus, you know,

00:44:25.060 we know that there's a scarcity now in the trades. And so, well, so, okay. So I think you can go two

00:44:31.360 ways on this. You can, I think he said digital proof, I think is the term he used his deployment,

00:44:36.620 which digital revolution. Yeah. Yeah. I think we have to be careful with that because you talk about

00:44:41.880 construction. I mean, look, even in, even in that there's going to be robots doing that before too

00:44:47.560 long. You know, I mean, it's, that's the reality of it. Same thing. You know, you see it with truck

00:44:52.400 drivers, but we're irreplaceable really there. Look, um, as you can have a robot self-driving

00:44:59.700 car, do it much more effectively and efficiently than a human being can. Yeah. So the reality is

00:45:05.380 this digital wave of, of robotics and AI and technology is coming. So the, I think the value is

00:45:13.160 going to be found in, in relationships, in code, like personal coaching, even what we're doing here.

00:45:21.900 You can't, I don't, I don't see a way at least right now where this gets replaced with,

00:45:27.040 with some sort of robot or, or because it's human connection. And I think that's where the real power

00:45:34.740 is going to be, but there's always going to be a space for builders. There's always going to be a space

00:45:40.140 for creatives. There's always going to be a space for artists and things like this. So you can take

00:45:45.380 this one of two ways you can do it in these trades. And I think trades are valuable. Most of my in-laws

00:45:50.340 are, are in the trades, heating, plumbing, air conditioning mechanics. And it's awesome. They

00:45:55.680 all do really well. They have meaningful work. They get to see what they build. It's they're proud of

00:46:00.560 their work and they should be, and I love to see it. So that's one way you could go. And the other way

00:46:05.880 you go is lean into the technology and you can learn to code as they say. But what I mean by that

00:46:13.120 is you can get out ahead of it and you can learn to utilize AI and learn to utilize digital technology

00:46:17.740 and learn how to utilize social media and learn how to build computer technology to be able to get out

00:46:23.680 ahead of this, to help people accomplish what it is they want to accomplish. But I think the

00:46:28.620 traditional method of schooling is going to crumble. It really is going to crumble. When you

00:46:36.460 see all these conversations about student loan forgiveness and debt repayment, that's going to

00:46:41.800 get everybody fired up. And then now people are seeing, as they should have been seeing for a very

00:46:46.420 long time, that college is a scam. It's a racket. It truly is. And unless you need to be, I think he

00:46:53.400 Wayne said, Wayne said his son was going to be a CPA. I'm not sure what the college requirements are

00:47:00.060 for that. But if you want to become a CPA or an attorney or a doctor, yeah, that might be an avenue

00:47:07.600 that you have to take. But I'm predicting that even in those avenues, there's going to be more specific

00:47:13.740 schooling that isn't your traditionalized college courses. So yeah, there is a lot of people who are

00:47:23.100 old school who think and will hang on to that, but they're going to be left in the dust, frankly.

00:47:27.800 So I think your son has found something that he likes. And what I would encourage if it were my son

00:47:33.700 and I was in your situation is I would, I would lean into his decision.

00:47:37.920 Heck yeah. Well, I think what can you do to get your general contractor's license? What can you do

00:47:42.980 to specialize? What can you do to learn how to market your business? Can you start a business?

00:47:47.000 You're working with somebody now. And I would lean heavy into have pushing my son into developing

00:47:54.480 and building in that space. Really? Well, and with his schooling around CPA, are you joking?

00:48:01.540 I mean, if he starts his own business being doing his own framing business, he'll have an upper hand

00:48:07.400 on any other framing company because he has, he's a skilled accountant. He knows how to take advantage of

00:48:13.600 tax brackets and tax write-offs. I mean, that's the CPA from my perspective. If you're like a business

00:48:20.380 owner, having a good CPA is like the most critical thing because otherwise you're never going to take

00:48:27.520 advantage of all the benefits of running your own business without a really good CPA. So he could

00:48:33.220 marry those two things together and be killing it. And, and do, he loves both of them. Do both of them.

00:48:39.380 There we go. Yeah. I a hundred percent agree. He's got a huge advantage. So lean into it and I think

00:48:45.400 it'll help him. And obviously I think he'll, he'll do better as well. Yeah. Adam Lewis spring begins in

00:48:51.320 the, in the spring begins the tournament season for many martial artists, snow and travel don't work

00:48:57.680 well. We also know competition is critical to self-improvement as an instructor. I try to promote

00:49:03.480 these events and model the wins and learns, but I, but I met with silence from parents and adults and

00:49:10.540 participation. What are some of the ideas to maybe break through to them and see more student

00:49:16.160 attendance? We have about 120 students and roughly seven to 10 go to competitions.

00:49:22.240 The, the, is he saying the students go to competitions or. Yeah. He's, he's trying to get

00:49:28.160 students, AKA parents and children on board with this idea of competing. I mean, he's getting like

00:49:35.120 less than what is that less than like five, 4% of his student base. Yeah. I think you got to realize

00:49:43.300 why they're not in, or at least try to uncover why they're not. So is it time constraints, which it

00:49:48.420 very well could be. I don't know when you say students, I don't know what age you're, what age

00:49:52.900 we're talking about here, but I know I'm coaching two of my son's baseball teams this year and

00:49:59.280 there's the kids are so inundated with stuff. Well, I can't come to practice cause he's doing

00:50:08.360 a travel team and he's got practice at that time. So he's on a completely separate team or

00:50:12.360 they're finishing up basketball. And so he can't make it because they have a basketball tournament

00:50:16.700 on that Saturday. It's, it's wild. It's actually, it's unproductive. I think it's overkill.

00:50:22.900 It's overkill and it's, it's, it's sabotaging, I think in a way, because they're bouncing around

00:50:29.200 and busy all the time. They're bouncing from activity to activity and parents do it for the

00:50:33.180 right reasons, I think, but it's just not producing what it should. Or, or is it financial constraints?

00:50:40.360 So I think if you can figure out, is it time constraint or is it a financial constraint or is

00:50:45.860 it a commitment constraint? You're probably going to have a better time figuring that out. So let's say

00:50:51.220 it's a financial constraint. Well, maybe there's scholarship programs that, that are afforded

00:50:56.460 through, through your school. If you know that people are struggling financially and you're

00:51:01.140 affording scholarships to go to these competitions that might break down the barrier and give them

00:51:05.800 a reason for doing so. The other thing is making it, making it worthwhile. And I'm not saying

00:51:12.980 what I mean by that is creating a culture at your school of excellence and acknowledgement for those

00:51:24.040 who compete and those who participate in these things, because that's going to be enticing to the

00:51:30.680 ones who want to do it, but haven't for whatever reason. So if you have, I actually just got a text

00:51:35.900 because the school that I'm going to start training at is they have, I guess, a competition

00:51:44.540 or fights this coming up weekend. And they sent out a text to everybody and said, Hey, let's support our

00:51:48.580 guys. They're going out to do this thing. That's pretty cool. Yeah. You can tell they're supportive

00:51:53.940 of their athletes and they want other people to attend and go to these events and support their

00:51:58.460 teammates. Totally. So, uh, and then acknowledging it, you know, I see, I see studios with trophies and,

00:52:04.800 and displays and, and different ways to acknowledge athletes who go and perform and compete. And that's

00:52:10.080 going to be more enticing to students who maybe want to do that, but haven't. Uh, but also the more

00:52:15.220 that you can get parents involved, and this is hard, this is super hard. I can't believe how difficult

00:52:20.740 this is to get parents involved. They think just because they have a coach that they don't have to do

00:52:24.520 anything, but you probably have one or two or three people in your studio, whose parents can come

00:52:31.380 and actually train with you and help you instruct or do something in some capacity. And the more that

00:52:38.080 you can get those guys involved in the process, the more you create that culture, that environment

00:52:43.400 of, of competition, of, of parents and families being involved. I think that'll go a long way in

00:52:51.080 helping. And it's hard though, because there are a lot of time constraints and financial

00:52:55.980 constraints, constraints to some of this. Totally. I'll share a couple of things that I've seen over

00:53:00.960 the years, at least from the jujitsu front, at least to create that sense of like importance,

00:53:07.000 create a competition team. So let's say it's a subgroup within the school that is part of the

00:53:12.540 competition team. And you make it like, it's the best of the best. And you set this precedence of like,

00:53:19.660 oh man, how do I get on the competition team? Right. With that elite group. And then when that

00:53:25.220 competition team is planning on competing, you have camps and then all the other students are

00:53:34.100 preparing the competition team for their up and coming competition. Now I've, I'm, I've played a

00:53:41.120 part in it, right? There's a huge sense of pride, right? When, whenever I've had teammates that are

00:53:47.680 preparing for a fight and we have fight camp, I have this huge amount of pride in that fight

00:53:56.300 because I was part of the fight camp and I care about the outcome and we ground it out,

00:54:03.040 grind it out together. I wasn't even the one fighting, but I take huge pride in it. And a lot

00:54:08.600 of martial arts, you're only as good as your team pushes you and set that precedence that, Hey,

00:54:16.520 for Ryan to be a world-class comp, guess what? He needs to go against world-class people in this gym.

00:54:23.420 We have to be the worst training partners on planet. We have to be the toughest individuals

00:54:29.760 that he can go against. So that way, when he goes in fights or when he goes to that competition,

00:54:34.620 it's easy. This is the hurt locker. The competition is just the results of, of what he does here.

00:54:41.760 Right. And you set that precedence, man, you'll, you'll create some serious momentum around what

00:54:47.420 does it mean to compete or fight or whatever that is for you guys. I love that. I, I think it just

00:54:53.100 comes down to a culture, you know, it does. It's, it's, and I know that isn't a specific answer,

00:54:59.100 but the, this is what you're talking about, Kip. It's a culture of supporting each other

00:55:02.780 in competitions. If you operate your whole business around the culture of competition,

00:55:08.040 you will find little ways to do it. You will, you'll find them because it's all about creating

00:55:13.260 that culture. Um, I sent out a text to, uh, in fact, I should just read it because I think it

00:55:21.120 might help. And I don't see a lot of coaches doing this, but I sent out a text to, uh, our teams that I

00:55:27.740 coach. Let me just pull one up here. This is what I said. I said, uh, you know, this is Ryan

00:55:32.600 Mickler. I'm your son, seventh and eighth grade baseball coach. I have more details coming soon.

00:55:36.480 I won't go to that. And here's what I wrote. We start on time. That means your son will need to

00:55:41.760 have his arm warmed up and ready to go at 8am sharp. Please let him know there are consequences

00:55:46.160 for being late. We started this Saturday. We're going to have a great season. I'll expect the boys to

00:55:50.460 be respectful, improve their athletic performance, work to become better people and play to win.

00:55:55.280 Um, I could, and then I talk about, I need some more, some more coaches. Here's another thing I

00:55:59.560 wrote. This season is about the athletes. So please give them the pertinent information and let them

00:56:04.760 work for some independence. I'll treat them with respect, but I won't baby or coddle them. Uh,

00:56:10.600 this is the culture we're creating. And it was interesting because I was like, Oh man, is that too

00:56:16.140 hard? Is that too firm? Yeah. And I had a bunch of parents who were like, this is awesome. Thank you so

00:56:23.300 much. This is exactly what my son needs. This is, this is, they were excited about it because we're

00:56:31.960 creating a culture that isn't the norm in today's culture, in today's society. When the boys came for

00:56:39.720 first practice, I said, look, guys, you get here on time. We warm up. Here's how we go. Here's what we

00:56:44.420 do. Here's the thing. Here's what we're doing. And by the way, we're here to win baseball games.

00:56:49.940 Now there's a way that we do it that matters on and off the field, but we're here to win.

00:56:56.140 And I expect that we win. We might not always, but we're going to play to win.

00:57:01.540 And that's my expectation. A lot of, a lot of people might not see it that way,

00:57:06.960 but that's why a lot of people are weak. And that's why a lot of people aren't competing like

00:57:12.800 you're talking about. So when parents come to sign their kids up, you tell them, Hey,

00:57:16.560 this is a competition school. This is an expectation that you get your kids enrolled

00:57:21.420 here. I'm going to expect them to compete. We're going to train them to compete. We're

00:57:25.620 going to have them work with other athletes who are competing and we're going to get them

00:57:28.740 ready and prepared. But we expect that your kids compete in at least two competitions per year

00:57:35.080 or whatever that is. But you lay that groundwork up front and you're going to find that people

00:57:39.060 are like, Oh yeah, that's cool. I like that.

00:57:41.560 Eric Peterson. What is the difference between calling a fellow friend forward to being better

00:57:48.020 versus minding your own business? And I don't know if he's asking really for the difference

00:57:54.200 between the two, but maybe recommendations or when to do it. Yeah.

00:57:57.320 Yeah. I would think like, what's the line, right? Yeah.

00:58:00.700 Well, I think the line is it's a friend. You said a friend.

00:58:04.240 Yeah. So minding your own business is out the window.

00:58:07.500 Yeah. Your friends, because your friends, you said through your friendship, Hey, I don't

00:58:13.780 have to mind my own business anymore. Yeah. Like I get to mind your business. Cause I'm your

00:58:19.060 friend and you get to mind my business. Cause you're my friend. Like that's, that's, that's

00:58:23.880 what friends, that's what friends are. So I just, yeah, I was just going to say, I just had

00:58:31.360 this conversation last night with someone and they were, we were talking about how calling,

00:58:38.480 like having a discussion with friends. Right. And I'm like, hold on really quick. Most people

00:58:44.760 have relationships that aren't friends, right? Like I really do feel this way. Like look at the majority

00:58:53.100 of guys based upon you being involved in this movement, Ryan, where the guy friend is not

00:59:00.800 at this level. They're not people. They're not people that call each other out. They're not people

00:59:06.140 willing to be uncomfortable and hold you to a higher standard. They're virtual strangers that

00:59:12.640 have a common interest in something. And they're really not friends. Yeah. I would, I would ask along

00:59:18.840 that vein there, Kip, is if, if you're not able to call somebody out and they're not able to call

00:59:26.240 you out, what is the point of that relationship? Yeah. Like what, why do I have this relationship

00:59:32.880 with this friend? If we're not helping each other improve, if I'm here to just mind my own business

00:59:38.260 and they're just there to mind their own business, like what is the point of that? I'll give you an

00:59:42.740 answer. There's no point. The point of a relationship, whether it's platonic or romantic

00:59:50.380 is to challenge each other to grow. That's it. It's the only point of a relationship.

00:59:59.040 So now granted, there's ways to do it, inappropriate ways, inappropriate ways to do it.

01:00:04.100 But yeah, if you can't call a friend out and say, Hey man, like you, you, you kind of been a jerk

01:00:09.700 lately. Like what's going on? Is everything okay? Tell me about your marriage. Or like,

01:00:16.400 if you don't know who that is, who he's married to, that's an issue too. But like, tell me about

01:00:20.340 your marriage. What's going on with work? Like his work. Are you okay? What's going on? That's a

01:00:25.460 perfect way to call somebody out. You're doing it out of care, but that's your job as a friend.

01:00:30.060 Yeah. And, and anything other than that is a dereliction of duty.

01:00:35.880 It's your duty to call him out. And if he can't handle it, you have to re reprioritize or redefine

01:00:45.420 the relationship. Cause it's not what I think you want. And I would, I'd go to the extent of

01:00:51.120 challenging individuals that if you have relationships that you're not improving each

01:00:57.200 other, you know, you gotta be asking yourself, why do you have a relationship with those people?

01:01:02.100 Yeah. I mean, it's not that you have to hate them and you don't, I mean, be rude to them, but like

01:01:06.240 time is precious, man. And as I've gotten older, I'm, I'm way more selective in regards to who I

01:01:14.660 spend my time with. You know who I value most? I value Kip. I value you because you're willing to

01:01:20.300 say things that need to be said to me. And I value less the people who aren't, not that they aren't

01:01:25.300 good people, not that they aren't valuable, not that they don't have worth, but not as much in my own

01:01:29.580 personal life. And I'll tell you what, when you say something or other people in my life who say

01:01:34.720 things, I don't like it. Yeah. I don't like it. I don't like when you call me out. I don't like it,

01:01:42.000 but I respect you and I appreciate it because not many people will. So that's also a pretty good

01:01:50.920 indicator that you might want to develop a deeper friendship or a bond with whoever's doing that.

01:01:56.320 if they're saying things and you don't like it, like that's somebody who's got some balls

01:02:01.360 and has some conviction and has some courage and some care about you too.

01:02:06.560 Yeah. Well, cause it's not easy for them either. So the fact that they're actually saying something,

01:02:11.700 they're putting themselves in an uncomfortable circumstance for your behalf.

01:02:16.080 Yeah. That says a lot.

01:02:17.740 Yep. Agreed. Cool. Cool. Is that the last one?

01:02:21.840 Yes, sir.

01:02:22.340 All right. We got through them today. Don't tell me we missed one next week.

01:02:26.020 Never happens. No, I'm just going to repeat another question so you can promote

01:02:30.100 previous episodes of the podcast. Yeah. I'll create that opportunity for you. So the key thing guys,

01:02:37.160 I mean, Iron Council is open until the end of March and I would challenge like, and it's obvious

01:02:45.460 in the conversation that we've already had and it's sad. I think it's sad, but I think it's reality.

01:02:51.140 I think most guys, our friendships are accidental and they're not intentional. It's like,

01:02:56.880 it's the guy I went to high school with and, you know, we used to get along and now we just kind of

01:03:02.120 force a relationship because we know each other, but he doesn't make me any better. I don't make

01:03:07.580 him any better. Or we have other scenarios where it's like, well, it's my, my wife's friend's husband,

01:03:14.160 you know, it's like by default kind of stuff. And so be intentional about those relationships.

01:03:20.300 And I think we can evolve them too. Wouldn't you say that? Like I've, I think I've, I've evolved and

01:03:26.540 changed. And through that process, I think those relationships that may have been superficial in

01:03:32.200 the past, I've had different conversations than I had in the past. I may suggest books and those

01:03:39.140 relationships have grown in a way where we edify one another and then be intentional about other

01:03:46.860 relationships. And I really do believe that the iron council is that it is an opportunity to find

01:03:52.800 like-minded men. It's, it's a given you join us in the IC, you're going to be grouped with a,

01:03:58.800 with a team of men that are focused on becoming better men that are focused on holding each other

01:04:05.680 accountable. And they're aligned to the messaging that we have here in the iron, in the iron council

01:04:10.820 on the order of man podcast. Yep. Dang, by default, you're probably going to end up rubbing shoulders

01:04:18.100 with some really good individuals compared to what you have currently. A hundred percent, a hundred

01:04:22.360 percent. So to join us, that's order of man.com slash iron council. Anything you would add there,

01:04:28.400 sir? That's it. You got it, man. Well, and, and it makes sure really just connect with us on

01:04:35.040 Facebook. If you haven't already, that's facebook.com slash group slash order of man. And

01:04:39.180 of course, uh, in the show notes episodes, you can connect with Mr. Mickler on Twitter and Instagram.

01:04:44.680 That's at Ryan Mickler. Yes, sir. All right, guys. Appreciate the great questions. They hopefully

01:04:49.860 gave you some, some good answers and we will be back on Friday, but until then go out there,

01:04:55.180 take action and become a man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man

01:04:59.880 podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:05:05.040 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - March 22, 2023

Nice Guys and the Friendzone, Teaching Others How to Treat You, and Calling Brothers Out ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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