Order of Man - Nice Guys Never Win

00:00:00.000 right? I got passed over for a promotion because of office politics. No, you probably got passed

00:00:05.280 over for a promotion because people don't know you because you don't share. You don't open up.

00:00:11.080 They don't even know. Even if you do, they don't know the real authentic version of you. Well,

00:00:15.320 you know, my marriage is breaking down because my wife is treating me this way. Well, okay,

00:00:19.600 but you've allowed her to treat you that way because you haven't communicated boundaries.

00:00:24.020 Anyways, we've all heard of being a nice guy and nice guy syndrome. In fact, if you're listening

00:00:30.700 to this, there is a good chance that maybe you have suffered from nice guy syndrome at some point

00:00:35.940 in your life. And I think it's very, very important that we talk about what it means. How does it

00:00:43.220 manifest? What does it lead to? And ultimately, what can you do five things on a daily basis to

00:00:49.140 overcome the desire, the need, the whatever it might be to be a nice guy? So I'm going to jump

00:00:56.580 right into it because I know there's a lot of men who are listening to this who are frustrated with

00:01:01.500 their inability or lack of ability. I shouldn't say inability to communicate effectively, to share

00:01:09.260 what's on their mind, to have ideas and insights, and to be respected by the people that they love,

00:01:13.760 care about, and are trying to serve. So let's first define what a nice guy is. I wrote this

00:01:18.960 down as I was thinking about what I wanted to share with you. And I think it encapsulates perfectly

00:01:24.300 what it means to be a nice guy. So this is a man who is too cowardly to speak boldly about his

00:01:31.160 convictions, stand up for his personal boundaries, communicate his wishes and desires, and share ideas

00:01:38.220 that may benefit himself and others. Listen to that again and ask yourself, do I fall into any one of

00:01:44.300 these categories? It's a man who's too cowardly to speak boldly about his convictions, stand up for

00:01:50.540 personal boundaries, communicate his wishes and desires, and share ideas that may benefit himself

00:01:56.940 and others. Guys, if you felt like this at any point in your life, then it's safe to say that you

00:02:02.660 are suffering from some level of nice guy syndrome. And I don't want you to suffer from that because it

00:02:09.920 leads to a lot of unintended results and consequences that don't serve you well. You'll get passed over

00:02:18.320 for promotions, relationships will break down, you'll grow angry and frustrated with life and other

00:02:25.080 people, you'll act out, you'll lash out, you'll damage relationships, you'll make less money, people

00:02:31.120 won't like you. And it's a little bit counterintuitive because many of the nice guys that I know and work

00:02:37.420 with often say they're being nice so that people will like them or they can get the approval that

00:02:42.820 they desire. But ironically, they get the exact opposite. So we're going to help you line that out

00:02:48.940 today. Now, how does being a nice guy manifest itself in reality and ask yourself the question of

00:02:55.040 if this pertains to you or not. So number one is you're overly accommodating. You're a people pleaser.

00:03:01.420 And that's good in a way. You want to be helpful. You want to be valuable to other people. If you look

00:03:09.180 at our motto of protect, provide, preside, all of those have an element of service. I try to be

00:03:14.260 valuable to others. I try to lead where I can. I try to be as accommodating as I possibly can. But if it

00:03:21.340 comes at my own expense where I'm not able to do the things that I want to do, or I'm not able to

00:03:27.320 uphold commitments that I've already made because I'm so worried about accommodating other people,

00:03:32.080 that becomes an issue. So are you a people pleaser? Do you not want there to be any contention?

00:03:38.960 Do you shy away from sharing your opinion because heaven forbid somebody disagree with you?

00:03:44.720 If somebody asks you something that maybe puts you at some sort of imposition, do you easily say yes

00:03:52.600 and not even consider how it might affect you or your other responsibilities that you have?

00:03:57.840 If so, you're probably being overly accommodating. The next is that it leads to indecisiveness.

00:04:03.900 So if you are indecisive or you know a man who's indecisive, it's probably because he's being a nice

00:04:11.180 guy. He's not really calculating only what will serve him and other people. He's calculating how other

00:04:18.220 people will perceive the decisions that he's making. So if, for example, a friend says,

00:04:26.380 hey man, let's go to lunch this week on Thursday, where would you like to go? And the nice guy says,

00:04:33.300 ah, you know, I don't know. There's this cool place, but I don't know. What do you, what do you like?

00:04:38.040 What do you think? Okay. There's a fear associated with, uh, not being part of the group,

00:04:45.000 not being included, maybe be being thought weird. And there's this, this fear that nice guys have.

00:04:51.800 And so there'll be indecisive and they'll let everybody else make decisions. And what ends up

00:04:57.000 happening is that, um, you end up going with what everybody else wants to do all the time.

00:05:04.640 And it's not bad to let people decide things now and again, but I've found that more often than not,

00:05:10.360 the people that I interact with would really like me to make a decision, especially if they're asking

00:05:15.040 for my opinion. So if your wife or your significant other says, Hey babe, let's go out to eat this

00:05:21.800 weekend, or let's go on a date. And she says, what should we do? She's asking you to lead her.

00:05:29.080 And if you're not going to lead her, you're going to undermine trust and credibility and influence

00:05:33.760 with her. We're going to talk a little bit more about that, but you might say, well, I really don't

00:05:39.100 care. It doesn't matter if you care or not. She's asking for you to lead and you have an opportunity

00:05:45.220 to lead. So you truly might not care, but I bet you have a preference. I bet there's a restaurant

00:05:51.200 you'd like to go try. Um, I bet there's an activity in town that you'd like to participate in. So just

00:05:58.280 tell her that if you're in a board meeting and the person giving the presentation says, does anybody

00:06:05.240 have any questions and you have a question, don't beat around the bush? Don't him haunt about it.

00:06:11.280 Don't not ask it. And because you're, you're worried how you might look, ask the question

00:06:17.680 and get the answer. So you can be more effective with what you're trying to accomplish. But

00:06:22.440 indecisiveness is a classic symptom of nice guy syndrome. Uh, number three, you're suppressing your

00:06:29.120 needs. So maybe you really do want to go spend time with friends. And instead of even bringing

00:06:36.900 that up to your wife, like, Hey, I'd like to go spend Friday night with the boys. They're having a,

00:06:41.440 a barbecue or fight night or whatever it might be. Instead of bringing that up, you just won't say

00:06:47.060 anything. And then you'll be upset. And in many times you'll end up throwing a little bit of a temper

00:06:52.800 tantrum and pouting. I've seen grown men pout because they're not getting their way. But if you didn't

00:06:57.760 communicate what you wanted, you don't have any right to complain or to pout or to take it out

00:07:02.680 on somebody else who you had a covert contract with. If you have a need for certain food, if you

00:07:09.380 have a need for more intimacy in the bedroom, if you have a need for going out somewhere, if you have

00:07:15.240 a need to spend time with your buddies, if you have a need to be communicated with in a certain way,

00:07:20.140 then you need to communicate those needs. Now there's tactful ways to do it. And there's

00:07:26.400 poor ways to do that. And we'll talk a little bit about that. But if you can communicate your

00:07:31.440 needs and desires and wishes with tact, you're going to find that people are going to be really

00:07:36.540 accommodating towards you, especially the people who love you, your wife, your kids, your clients,

00:07:42.720 coworkers, family members, friends, they want to be accommodating, give them a path, give them a track

00:07:48.760 to run on by not suppressing your needs. The next is that you'll find that nice guys are often

00:07:55.000 passive aggressive because resentment builds up in these men. They get frustrated. They get angry.

00:08:01.980 They feel like they're not being heard, that they're not being seen, that their ideas are often

00:08:06.920 overlooked, that they're not respected. And because they feel that way, instead of handling it with

00:08:13.000 some assertiveness and actually communicating effectively, they start turning to passive aggressive

00:08:20.120 comments, underhanded compliments, passive aggressiveness. A lot of times it's mockery.

00:08:28.100 Sometimes you see these guys who just become the class clown. They don't take anything seriously.

00:08:34.380 They're mocking people. They're throwing little jabs, very overt, excuse me, covert ways of insulting

00:08:40.980 people. It's because they don't know how to communicate effectively. And because they don't,

00:08:46.200 there still needs to be a release, a valve, a venting mechanism, and they don't have a healthy

00:08:51.620 venting mechanism. So it seeps out in little snarky comments. It seeps out in backstabbing at work.

00:09:00.720 It seeps out in these little small ways and you'll start to see it and you'll start to feel it.

00:09:05.260 They become pessimists because they're not communicating what they want, need, and desire.

00:09:09.580 The next is that you can see that an individual is inauthentic. An individual who is a nice guy is

00:09:15.860 very inauthentic. He'll say one thing to one person and he'll say the exact opposite to the other person

00:09:22.220 that he's talking to because he's not worried about his own personal convictions. He's worried

00:09:27.100 all the time about gauging how a person might respond and react to him. So if I'm a nice guy,

00:09:32.720 I might think to myself, well, you know, I've got to say this to this person to make them feel good.

00:09:36.980 And I've got to say this to this person that might be counter to what I just said to this other person

00:09:42.040 to make them feel good. And they believe that your job or their job is to regulate other people's

00:09:48.360 emotions. Mel Robbins said something, and I've fallen prey to this too, guys. I'm not telling you

00:09:55.640 I haven't. I just know really well because I've fallen prey and at times I still do. But she says,

00:10:01.760 your job is not to, and I'm paraphrasing, but your job is not to make everybody else

00:10:06.820 feel comfortable with their decisions. Your job is to tell the truth and let people make their own.

00:10:12.780 So if somebody asked for your opinion, you don't need to worry about what they might think of your

00:10:18.160 opinion. You should worry about how you say it because we're trying to lead. I mean, if somebody

00:10:22.560 asked for my opinion and about, you know, if my girlfriend asked what she, if, if I liked what

00:10:28.780 she was wearing, I wouldn't say that looks horrible on you. You should never wear that again. And you

00:10:33.840 should burn that and, and never to be seen from ever again. Probably not a great way to communicate

00:10:40.100 something that I didn't think looked all that great. But could I say, you know, I really liked

00:10:45.220 that other pair of jeans better or that dress that you have in black. That one's my favorite.

00:10:50.560 And that might be a more effective way to say things. Now, this is a constant battle is do you,

00:10:57.820 do you be honest with those things? And I think, yes, with tact, I think, yes. And I'm going to explain

00:11:02.860 why when I get what, what it leads to being a nice guy here shortly, but I think, yes, you want to be

00:11:07.900 honest. And if somebody wants your opinion and they're asking for it, then I think it's important

00:11:14.360 we with, with tact, give them that, that opinion. But at the end of the day, are you being true to

00:11:19.620 yourself? Are you communicating what you really believe? Are you telling people, even if it's

00:11:26.180 unpopular, what you actually think about a scenario? Are you so afraid of what other people might think

00:11:32.260 of you that you change who you are? You're like a chameleon. You're a different color here than you

00:11:38.260 are over there. And nobody knows who the real you is. And you don't even know who the real you is

00:11:42.880 because you're not expressing your ideas and thoughts and insights. And the last point that I

00:11:48.060 wanted to make as far as how this manifest, this nice guy idea manifest for people is they turn into

00:11:53.420 victims, right? I got passed over for a promotion because of office politics. No, you probably got passed

00:12:00.580 over for a promotion because people don't know you because you don't share. You don't open up.

00:12:06.360 They don't even know. Even if you do, they don't know the real authentic version of you. Well, you

00:12:11.340 know, my marriage is breaking down because my wife is treating me this way. Well, okay. But you've

00:12:16.040 allowed her to treat you that way because you haven't communicated boundaries. To go back to what I

00:12:21.760 said with regards to the definition of a nice guy, part of it is standing up for personal boundaries.

00:12:27.180 So if somebody is abusing you, let's say verbally, and they're mistreating you that way and you allow

00:12:34.120 it to happen, how long before you take some responsibility and say, you know what, maybe I'm

00:12:43.140 not the victim that I've painted myself to be. Maybe I can tell this person, hey, I would love to have

00:12:49.540 this conversation with you, but it's going to be done in these parameters. And we're not going to yell

00:12:53.520 at each other and you're not going to resort to name calling or personal insults. And then I would

00:12:57.660 love to have this conversation. That's a perfectly acceptable thing to say. And instead of painting

00:13:03.600 yourself as a victim now, now you're positioning yourself to train others, to condition others, to

00:13:10.320 treat you with respect, which is what I think you want. So if you start feeling that everything

00:13:17.140 around you and everybody around you is out to get you and you can't get ahead and you're getting

00:13:21.900 passed over and you're getting looked over, it might be a symptom of you being a nice guy.

00:13:26.560 Now, what does this all lead to? And I promise I'm getting to the point of what you can do,

00:13:31.280 but it's very important we understand the root of these things. So what does this lead to? Well,

00:13:36.180 if you're not communicating your ideas and you're not being authentic and you're suppressing your needs

00:13:40.300 and you're being indecisive and you have this victimhood and you're overly accommodating,

00:13:43.780 number one is it leads to confusion. It leads to confusion. And if there's confusion in any

00:13:50.340 relationship that you have, it's inferior to what it would be if there was clarity.

00:13:55.820 So if your wife is constantly confused about how you're feeling, about what you're doing,

00:14:00.720 about what you're afraid of, about what your goals are, about where you want to eat,

00:14:04.940 guess what it's going to do? It's going to confuse her. So let's take a small example.

00:14:11.300 You guys want to go out this weekend for a date and she says, I don't, you know,

00:14:15.480 where would you like to go? She's again, that's a question that she's asking you to lead. And you

00:14:20.240 say, I don't really, I don't know. I don't really care. What, like, what do you think? You just pick

00:14:23.880 whatever you think is fine. You guys are going to go on the date, but she's going to be confused.

00:14:28.920 Here's what's going to happen. You're going to be sitting at dinner and she picked the restaurant

00:14:33.640 and you should have picked it because she asked you to and you didn't. And instead of being focused

00:14:38.400 and present with you, now she's thinking, I wonder if he really wants to eat here. I want,

00:14:44.460 and these are the ideas that are running through her mind. I wonder if he really wants to be here.

00:14:48.620 I wonder, I don't, does he even like this food? Is this a, is it, does he like the vibe of this?

00:14:53.820 Is it, is he having fun? That's not going to be a good line of questioning for a productive date night

00:15:01.260 with your wife. You don't want her to be thinking about that. What you want her to be thinking about is,

00:15:07.060 oh my gosh, I love this restaurant. I've never tried this before. He must really like this. He's

00:15:12.240 excited to take me here. Like, this is what people want. They want to be accommodating to you.

00:15:17.700 You have to allow them to be accommodating and not be confused about what you're thinking.

00:15:22.000 You've had that happen where you might be reading somebody and you can't quite get a bearing on

00:15:28.020 what they're thinking. Are they mad at you? Are they anxious about something else? Did they have a bad

00:15:32.340 day? Like, what is actually going on? And you're trying to read little cues. I do that.

00:15:37.060 Um, that's, that, that's not a good thing for a relationship. Now it's going to happen from time

00:15:44.360 to time, but the idea is to get clarity. Hey, you seem off tonight. Is everything going okay? How

00:15:49.140 was your day? Oh yeah. My day was hard because of X, Y, and Z. Got it. Now we just brought clarity

00:15:55.120 to the conversation and both people can move on and drive on and do what they need to do in order to

00:15:59.820 have a great evening together, but confusion. The second thing that, um, being a nice guy leads to

00:16:06.880 is distrust. If you don't tell the truth in every aspect of your life, then when you actually are

00:16:16.020 telling the truth, people are going to believe you less. I, I've had conversations with thousands and

00:16:23.720 thousands of people at this point. And some I vehemently disagree with, but you know what?

00:16:28.500 I still trust them. And I trust them because I know they're going to tell me how they really feel.

00:16:34.200 And they're actually willing to put their money where their mouth is. And so I might not agree

00:16:39.720 with their position, but I trust that that's an individual who's going to tell me the truth.

00:16:44.380 And I would much rather be around an individual who I know is speaking the truth,

00:16:48.440 even in disagreement than a person who is always agreeing with me, but me not really knowing

00:16:54.840 whether or not they're actually speaking the truth. I don't want those kinds of people in my life.

00:16:59.900 I want truth tellers in my life. I want honesty in my life. And I I'm a big boy, just like you.

00:17:07.660 I can handle an uncomfortable conversation. I can handle a disagreement. I can handle it. If

00:17:14.760 the people who are closest to my life take issue with something I did or said today, I can handle it

00:17:20.040 because I'm a man and you can handle it too. But if every time somebody speaks the truth to you,

00:17:27.160 you throw a little temper tantrum and you pout, like I was saying earlier, and you get defensive

00:17:31.840 and you kind of turn into a whiny baby, nobody's going to tell you the truth anymore.

00:17:36.400 And if they're nice guys, you don't trust those people because you're always like, what's their

00:17:40.600 motive? What's their angle? What are they really thinking? Again, confusion and distrust. The next

00:17:46.320 thing is it's going to lead to frustration from other people. They're going to be frustrated with

00:17:50.640 you. If every time your wife comes to you and says, Hey, where do you want to go eat? What do you want

00:17:56.440 to do tonight? What would you like for dinner? What would you like to do this weekend? What do you like

00:18:01.540 this shirt or that shirt? And you never give her an answer. She's going to get frustrated with you

00:18:05.820 because you're not leading. If you're doing this with your clients because you're worried about them

00:18:11.300 leaving you and they're like, well, what do you, I was in the financial advising business for, for

00:18:15.460 years and years before I started order of man. If every time a client came to me at for financial

00:18:21.400 advice and I said, I don't, I don't really know. I mean, yeah, maybe you could do that. Or maybe you

00:18:25.800 could do this, but like, what do you guys think? They're going to be frustrated with that because

00:18:31.240 they hired me to make decisions, to teach them, to coach them, to guide them through their financial

00:18:36.740 decision-making process. Okay. Your, your, your employees, if you're, and men are, this is wild,

00:18:44.980 but men are afraid of their employees in some cases. And so their employee is asking for clarity

00:18:50.700 on a project. And they're like, well, I don't know. I mean, we could do this and we could do that,

00:18:55.240 but what do you, how are you feeling about thing? Your, your employees are going to be frustrated

00:19:00.120 with you because they can't get their job done. Be clear, communicate effectively,

00:19:04.460 and don't allow things to get to frustrating points. And then the last thing is that everybody's

00:19:10.160 going to be angry. Everybody's going to be angry. Frustration leads to resentment. Resentment leads

00:19:16.500 to anger. And that's, what's going to happen. People are going to be angry at you because you

00:19:20.100 can't make decisions. You're going to be angry at them because they can't read your mind. And it's

00:19:25.140 just a big nasty cycle. And then relationships are going to break down. You're not going to get

00:19:30.760 promotions and you're not going to be satisfied and happy with your life because nobody wants to

00:19:35.180 be around you because you bring up frustration and contention with them. And I get it. You think

00:19:41.460 you're doing it because you're being nice. But Dr. Robert Glover in his book, No More Mr. Nice Guy

00:19:46.100 often says that nice guys are typically the angriest. I'm pretty good at suppressing it, but they're

00:19:51.920 often the angriest people out there because they don't get what they want. So let's move into what

00:19:58.020 you can do about it. And I have five daily activities, and this isn't going to take you

00:20:01.900 17 hours of a 24-hour day. This is going to, at first, it might be tricky. It might take a little

00:20:08.680 thoughtfulness, but it will take you maybe a half an hour per day. And I want you to do this for 30

00:20:13.960 days. So this is my challenge I'm issuing to you. Number one, for every day, every day, I want you to get

00:20:19.900 a notepad out. I'm reaching into my desk drawer right here. I've got my journal. I've got my journal

00:20:27.940 right here. And every day, I want you for the next 30 days to write in here, what do you want out of

00:20:35.120 life? Now, that's a pretty broad general question. So maybe it's not just what you want out of life,

00:20:43.320 but what do you want out of today? What do you want out of the relationship? If you're going on a date

00:20:48.480 night with your wife, what do you want out of that date night? I want to connect. I want to have sex

00:20:52.360 in the evening. I want to enjoy each other's company. I want to go to this restaurant. What do

00:20:57.940 you want today? What do you want? At business, I want to pick up two new clients, or I want to apply

00:21:04.220 for that promotion that's available, or I want to give some feedback to one of my employees, or I want

00:21:10.600 to complete that project that's been looming over my head. But start getting clear about what you want

00:21:15.700 out of life and document that down. And the more specific you can be for a nice guy, the better

00:21:20.240 off you will be. Be very specific every day. What do I want? Get your notepad out and write it down.

00:21:26.740 Number two, also write down, and this might be a good end of day practice, write down what keeps you

00:21:33.660 from communicating and getting what you want. So if I go out on a date this weekend with my girlfriend,

00:21:42.480 and my goal is to go to this one restaurant and do this one activity and connect with her,

00:21:50.360 have a great conversation, and just enjoy each other's company. At the end of that date, I need

00:21:57.980 to ask myself, did I accomplish what I wanted to accomplish? Now, I know that sounds a little

00:22:02.220 transactional, and maybe it is, but for this exercise, it's important that you do this.

00:22:06.140 So I might say, yes, I picked the restaurant. She was ready. I told her what I thought I would

00:22:15.200 like to see her wear, and she was open to that. And she wore what I think she looks really good in.

00:22:21.360 I got the reservations. If this is the case, it's like I booked the sitter for the kids,

00:22:26.240 and I led the conversation. I communicated effectively about my day or about my goals and

00:22:33.860 dreams. I asked her what her fears were in our relationship or how she feels like the relationship

00:22:38.300 is going. And overall, it was great. That's a good date. Or you might say, well, I really wanted

00:22:45.580 to go to this restaurant, but I didn't tell her that. And so she ended up making a decision,

00:22:51.600 and it was a restaurant that isn't really my favorite, but I didn't tell her that either.

00:22:55.140 So she wants to go next week because she really likes that restaurant. And when she asked me about

00:23:00.580 my hopes and dreams, I didn't really tell her what I was thinking. I told her what I thought

00:23:05.160 she wanted to hear. And so I didn't really get a chance to communicate that. But why? Why are you

00:23:11.560 afraid? Are you fearful that she'll reject you? Are you fearful that you'll be ostracized from the

00:23:21.220 group? These are all important things to write down because the more you start to write these things

00:23:24.780 down and identify what the enemy is in this case for you being a nice guy, the better equipped you'll be

00:23:29.900 to deal with it because you'll start to recognize it. Oh yeah, that came up. I have that happen two

00:23:34.180 days ago and I felt bad about it because I didn't communicate effectively. So I'm not going to do

00:23:38.740 that today. And you're going to start to recognize patterns. So again, number one, document what you

00:23:43.840 want out of the day. Number two, document what keeps you from communicating or getting it. Okay.

00:23:48.620 Number three, give your opinions and feedback. Okay. That that's it. Give your opinions and feedback

00:23:55.640 and try to do that five times today. So if you're at a business meeting and somebody says, Hey, do you

00:24:01.760 have any questions or any thoughts about this project we're working on? And you have a thought,

00:24:05.780 you have to communicate it. Raise your hand. Yeah. Or send an email. Hey guys, I had this one thought I

00:24:10.940 wanted to bring up. We did this six months ago and remember it didn't go well. And at the time we had

00:24:15.440 talked about implementing this new system. I think we might want to consider trying that this go around.

00:24:20.100 Now your idea might not be implemented, but at least now people see you have skin in the game.

00:24:26.720 They know you're interested and care about what's going on within the organization.

00:24:30.220 So share your opinions and give feedback. If your wife says, how does this look? You tell her if you

00:24:36.800 really like it, say, Oh my gosh, I love the way you look in those jeans. And you could, those type

00:24:42.400 compliments you can give unsolicited as long as they're accurate, but be specific. Don't say, Hey,

00:24:46.100 you look good today. Say, Hey, your hair looks really nice today. Or I really liked the way that

00:24:50.560 you did your hair today. Or that, that top looks amazing on you. That color is perfect. But be

00:24:57.520 specific. The more specific you are with compliments, the more believable it is. It's not just some

00:25:02.380 thing you're supposed to do and say, Hey, you look good today, hon. No, it's very specific on what you

00:25:06.480 like. So you can give compliments unsolicited. Be careful of giving unsolicited feedback. If it's

00:25:14.180 criticism, because who in the history of mankind ever appreciated unsolicited feedback, if it was

00:25:22.020 critical. But if somebody asks you, then you have an opportunity to give that feedback. So that's

00:25:27.040 number three. Number four, start making decisions. So again, I just told you, give opinion and feedback,

00:25:33.220 do that five times a day for the next 30 days. Now I'm going to have you make five decisions and

00:25:37.920 you're going to be decisive about it. When you get up in the morning and you're like, Oh, what should I

00:25:41.820 wear? Just pick something. If your wife says, Hey, what do you think of these jeans or that jeans?

00:25:48.180 Pick one of them. If you're at the office and you're wondering, uh, your, your employees or your

00:25:56.160 clients or whoever it might be, uh, are wondering where you'd like to go for lunch today, pick a place

00:26:01.680 you'd like to go for lunch today. In fact, I would just start. I'd say, Hey guys, a few of us in the

00:26:06.020 office are going to get together for lunch today. I got us reservations over at Applebee's. So that's

00:26:10.520 where we're going today at noon, work for everybody. And everybody will say yes, but make decisions

00:26:16.140 quickly, a lot quicker than you're probably comfortable with. Cause most of the decisions

00:26:22.140 that we're making aren't real catastrophic. If we choose incorrectly in the grand scheme of things.

00:26:27.440 So do that for five times a day for the next 30 days. And then the last one is to say, no,

00:26:32.000 you just have to say no more often because you can't do everything and you don't want to do everything

00:26:37.280 and you don't have the capacity to do it. So when somebody asks you something that you don't want

00:26:42.000 to do, then you say no. And you can say it very respectfully. Hey, you know, I really appreciate

00:26:48.400 asking me and, uh, I'm not going to be able to do that because I already have plans, but maybe next

00:26:53.600 time, but not this time. That's it. That's all you need to say. You owe no explanation to anybody.

00:27:00.900 You don't need to do things that you don't want to do. I mean, within reason, of course,

00:27:06.160 you're going to try to accommodate, like I said earlier, but we're teaching you to be decisive

00:27:10.860 and to take care of yourself. And sometimes nice guys are concerned that they're going to be jerks

00:27:18.200 to other people, um, that other people aren't going to like them. And I'm going to tell you the

00:27:23.160 truth that people are probably going to think you're being a jerk. People are probably not going to like

00:27:29.800 it initially because they're used to running you over and now they're not. And so you need to be

00:27:35.980 prepared for that, that they're not going to necessarily like, or question or wonder what

00:27:39.540 is going on with you. Cause you're different than you've ever been. Be prepared for that and know

00:27:43.420 that, Hey, I'm going to sit in this discomfort. It will, it will be uncomfortable, but you have to

00:27:48.200 tap dance a little bit tiptoe, if you will, into a whole territory, because you don't know the

00:27:54.140 appropriate line of being aggressive and assertive, being passive and being assertive, communicating your

00:27:59.460 needs, wants, and desires while still taking people into consideration. You don't know where

00:28:03.320 the healthy line is yet because you're so used to being on this far side of the spectrum

00:28:07.520 that anything moving in the right direction is going to feel like it's too far, but you can make

00:28:13.260 those pivots and adjustments, especially with the journaling exercises I gave you. So I really hope

00:28:19.540 this serves you guys, but it won't serve you unless you implement those last daily activities. Again,

00:28:24.560 five daily activities, do these every day for 30 days in a row. Document what you want from the day.

00:28:30.940 Document what keeps you from communicating or obtaining it. Number three, give five times,

00:28:36.160 give your opinion and feedback. Number four, five times, make decisive decisions. And then also last

00:28:43.660 is to say no, when you don't want to do things. That's it guys. That's how you overcoming, overcome

00:28:49.200 being the nice guy. I hope that helps. I hope that serves you. If you have any questions,

00:28:52.920 hit me up on Instagram. It's where I'm most active. Shoot me a message and I will get back

00:28:56.960 with you. We will be back next week. I got a great conversation lined up with Sean Stevenson.

00:29:02.080 He is the author of Eat Smarter and Sleep Smarter. And we talk about all things nutrition and how to

00:29:07.920 improve your body, testosterone building, markers to look for, for the overall general health of your

00:29:13.840 body. And it's a really, really powerful conversation. So make sure you check that out.

00:29:18.580 All right, guys, we'll be back then. Until then, go out there, take action,

00:29:21.180 and become the man you are meant to be.

00:29:28.840 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

00:29:33.440 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - September 19, 2025

Nice Guys Never Win ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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