Order of Man - One Man Can Make a Difference

00:00:00.000 I talk with a lot of men who don't think that they can make a difference. Yes, they have big

00:00:04.620 aspirations and goals they want to accomplish for themselves and other people, but they feel like

00:00:09.880 the odds are stacked against them in achieving those goals. But the reality is that just isn't

00:00:15.140 the case. And today I'm joined by my good friend, Anthony Waite to show you what is possible when

00:00:22.120 one man puts his heart and mind and hands into the work required to lifting others up. We talk

00:00:29.500 about managing expectations, finding congruency with work and home life, how to avoid burnout

00:00:35.760 and how one man truly can make a difference. You're a man of action. You live life to the

00:00:41.260 fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back

00:00:46.800 up one more time. Every time you are not easily deterred, defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.

00:00:54.400 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day,

00:00:59.500 and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:01:03.760 Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler and I am the host and the founder

00:01:08.080 of this podcast, The Order of Man, which is a movement. Guys, it's a movement that spans

00:01:12.900 the entire planet. And it's my goal to reclaim and restore masculinity in a society that increasingly

00:01:19.820 is moving away from it. And we do that through this podcast by having powerful conversations

00:01:24.300 with guests like my guest today and friend, Anthony Waite. And of course, others like Jocko

00:01:29.620 Willink and Grant Cardone, Andy Frisilla, Tim Kennedy, Dakota Meyer, the lineup of men that

00:01:35.320 we have on is absolutely incredible. And I'm so honored to be able to have the conversations

00:01:40.400 that I do with the, with these guys and you make that possible. So whether you're here for

00:01:44.420 the first time or have been with us for years now, I want to welcome you back. And I want

00:01:48.960 to thank you for tuning in. The world needs this now more than ever. So we're going to get into the

00:01:54.420 show here pretty quickly. Don't have a whole lot of announcements. I think I've mentioned in the

00:01:58.880 past that we've got a, an event in July coming up. I'm going to get you the exact dates and details

00:02:05.400 here shortly. We're going to be moving this weekend. And once I get settled in, I'll be able

00:02:09.060 to get you that information. So we've got that coming up. We've got origins immersion camp. If

00:02:13.840 you're not familiar with what origin does, they're friends of mine, of course, partners and

00:02:17.680 sponsors of this podcast. They do jujitsu gear and lifestyle apparel, and they've got

00:02:23.160 the supplemental lineup with Jocko. So if you go to originmain.com slash order camp,

00:02:29.200 again, that's originmain.com slash order camp. You can check out when the, the dates for the

00:02:36.060 immersion camp, the jujitsu week-long immersion camp are available. I believe it's August 25th

00:02:41.260 through September 1st. You can pick session A, B, or both. I'll be there for both. And again,

00:02:46.420 check that out at originmain.com slash order camp. That's the only announcement I have for today,

00:02:54.220 because I want to get right into this conversation. This is a very, very powerful discussion. And it is

00:03:01.780 because the man who's joining us is a longtime friend and a member of the iron council and a

00:03:08.180 team leader within the iron council. He's been with us for the last three years. He's an officer

00:03:13.680 in the Navy. And as you'll hear in our conversation, this is a man who is extremely, extremely impactful,

00:03:19.720 not only in his career, but in his community as well. And I've been so impressed with his

00:03:25.440 growth over the past several years. And as much as I think he's learned from us and been inspired by

00:03:30.780 the order of man mission, I have been absolutely inspired and uplifted by him as well. And this is

00:03:36.920 the type of men, the caliber of men that we have in the iron council. And I'm honored to be able to

00:03:42.080 introduce my friend, Anthony Waite to you today. Anthony, what's up, brother? Thanks for joining

00:03:47.120 me on the, uh, the order of man podcast. Glad to have you here. Thanks, Ryan. I appreciate you

00:03:51.680 having me. It's an honor to be here. Yeah. How long have you been, how long have you been a member

00:03:55.460 of not just order of man, but iron council as well? Yeah, it's going to be coming up on three years

00:04:01.600 this October. Is that right? For iron council? Yep. That's crazy, man. Yeah, that's crazy. I'm really

00:04:07.060 excited to have this conversation because you and I have known each other now for years. Uh,

00:04:11.560 you've been a great member of the iron council. You're a team leader within the organization.

00:04:16.860 And really at the end of the day, you're somebody who embodies and espouses what we talk about here

00:04:22.860 with order of man. And I couldn't be more honored to have this conversation with you, brother.

00:04:27.260 Yeah, man. I agree. I think that, uh, you know, just getting to know you and the impact that you've

00:04:32.280 had on my life and you know, what you've created here, you know, as we're going to talk about

00:04:35.740 today, just truly, I mean, just looking back, it's just crazy to see how much growth has come

00:04:40.660 from the last three years that I've, that I've been a part of this organization and what you've

00:04:44.320 done. So thank you very much. Oh yeah. No, it's my honor. I guess that leads me to my first question

00:04:49.460 for you, which is what originally turned you on to what we're doing? Like why did you band with us

00:04:55.340 originally with order of man and then eventually end up joining the iron council? Yeah. So, you know,

00:05:00.520 I listened to your podcast in 2016. I just got back from my last deployment. So I'm

00:05:05.640 back to duty in the Navy and, uh, I got back from my last deployment and we were, my wife

00:05:11.000 and I were, were getting ready to deliver our second son. And when I got back, I was really

00:05:16.060 a stranger in my own home. And I remember flipping through the podcast and I saw you were a guest

00:05:23.180 on, man, I can't think of the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. And you were sharing your message and everything

00:05:29.960 you said just hit me straight in the heart, man. And I was just, it landed with me. It resonated

00:05:33.560 with me kind of you being transparent in your journey and where you are. And I just felt

00:05:38.300 myself saying like, that's me. That's I'm on this, like me, like I can relate. And so

00:05:44.260 I said, let me follow. So I went and found your podcast order, man. I clicked on it, started

00:05:48.980 listening, just kind of downloading everything and just listening to it. I was like, man,

00:05:52.060 this guy is just, he's doing what I need to be doing and I need to follow him. And it

00:05:58.020 wouldn't be, but two weeks later that I joined the iron council when head first, I went

00:06:01.360 all in and, uh, it was that quick. I didn't realize it was that quick.

00:06:05.060 Oh yeah. Yeah. I knew just integrity and just hearing you speak and really, you know, cause

00:06:09.720 we, we hear a lot of things, you know, I always follow a lot of podcasts. I was follow a lot

00:06:12.800 of, you know, influencers, if you will, but it was the same stuff, you know, trying to

00:06:16.840 sell you a tactic, you know, they weren't really living their message. And when I found

00:06:20.360 you, I was like, man, this guy just is not hiding anything. He just, he's on a mission

00:06:24.900 and I need to be part of that. And so I went all in, no questions asked.

00:06:28.740 Yeah, man. I, and just to see the transformation that you've made over the past couple of years

00:06:33.420 is, is absolutely unbelievable. I'm really curious when you said you were a stranger

00:06:37.740 in your own home, I've been there, you know, I've, I've, I've been through that experience.

00:06:42.020 I didn't have kids when I got back from Iraq, but I know how difficult that transition was

00:06:47.600 for me. Were you in Iraq or Afghanistan? Where were you?

00:06:51.040 No, actually it was, um, the Southeast Asia.

00:06:53.780 Okay.

00:06:54.080 I went to about seven, seven different countries. Um, but there was a lot of change happening

00:06:58.560 in my life, you know? And, um, I think we get, we get the notion that, you know, a lot

00:07:02.680 of people that go to, you know, wartime areas, you know, those are the only ones that are really

00:07:07.760 suffering in the home front, but really it's, there's a lot more than that. I think that

00:07:11.260 we don't even think about. And I was one of them. I didn't think it could happen to me.

00:07:14.280 Right. I mean, um, because, you know, I w I was, I was prior enlisted. I'm a commissioned

00:07:19.980 officer now, but I found myself, you know, being that guy after, you know, multiple deployments,

00:07:25.680 this was the one that got me. I think it really had to do with, it wasn't about me anymore. It

00:07:30.260 was about my kids, my two boys and my wife, you know, before I was single. So it was easy

00:07:34.080 to come home and adapt and get back into the swing of things. But when other people are relying

00:07:37.940 on you, like you said, as a man, it's difficult. There's a pressure that comes along with it,

00:07:42.280 you know? Well, yeah, I, I, I fully know what it's like. I, you know, it's interesting is

00:07:47.240 you have this brotherhood and this camaraderie when you're in the military and when you're overseas.

00:07:52.940 And I think this applies to both combat and non-combat regions is that really your, your

00:07:58.920 entire focus is yourself, you know, doing your mission, doing your task, taking care of yourself,

00:08:03.980 making sure that you're doing what needs to be done and that you're, you're in a healthy place.

00:08:08.360 And yeah, you've got other guys and brothers to look after, but then when you come

00:08:12.200 back, you've got in your case, you know, one and one on the way, you've got your wife and you've

00:08:18.180 got all these demands for your attention and you've got to spread this out. I think a little

00:08:21.260 bit more than normally you would. And I've seen these guys really, really struggle, including

00:08:25.540 myself. I've been there. Yeah. And I think it's just the managing the expectations really. When I

00:08:30.620 look back on it from where I'm at today to where I was then, it was really managing the expectations

00:08:35.160 and, uh, the responsibilities, you know, that were coming into my life all at once.

00:08:39.860 Well, what expectations are you talking about? Like what, what expectations did you have?

00:08:44.080 And then how did that pair up with reality?

00:08:47.380 Yeah. So, you know, I, I'm a, um, a nurse by trade and, uh, you know, coming back from overseas

00:08:53.820 on the deployment, you know, the expectation that I was going to come back, get right back to work,

00:08:58.420 you know, there was day shifts, night shifts, swing shifts. Um, so managing expectations as a

00:09:03.520 naval officer, as a leader, um, if you will, at work professionally, and then also personally at

00:09:09.380 the home front, leading my family, my wife and being there for her, my, my one-year-old son and

00:09:13.380 the one that was on the way, you know, really finding that, meeting that expectation, both

00:09:17.780 personally and professionally, based on those who are looking at me as the leader, like I need you

00:09:21.860 to leave and for me to be able to step up and answer that call.

00:09:24.880 So what did you feel like maybe you were, you were missing when you got back? And then how did

00:09:32.160 you begin to step more fully into some of those gaps that you saw for yourself?

00:09:38.340 Yeah. You know, I, I share this now with a lot of people, but it was really the congruency. Um,

00:09:43.140 and that's one, something I strive even today and I help others do, but really that congruency

00:09:47.340 between who I am when I'm wearing the uniform and who I am when I take the uniform off. Um, I find that

00:09:53.280 it's, it's really easy to get lost into the rank and the, you know, what's on your chest

00:09:57.300 and really what's in your chest. And so I say this because it's easy to build the uniform on and I

00:10:03.060 become, you know, the, the naval officer, the leader, the person with authority. But when I took it,

00:10:10.060 take that off and I come home, I don't feel as, as such, you know what I mean? So it's almost lost in

00:10:15.360 my titles and my, in my rank and in my position at work. It just, that wasn't fitting the bill for what

00:10:21.320 my wife needed at home. And so finding that congruency between how do I become this,

00:10:25.060 this leader, this well-rounded leader that whenever I take this uniform off, I'm the same

00:10:30.620 person, the same man with the same thoughts and belief systems about myself and others

00:10:34.660 than when I have it on. So it was really that congruency between

00:10:38.060 inside the uniform and outside the uniform.

00:10:41.220 Did you feel more disrespected? I don't know if that's the right word, but let's just use that for

00:10:46.060 now. Disrespected at home, maybe more so than you did as a, as an officer or, or what was the

00:10:52.720 difference? Like where was that discrepancy?

00:10:56.280 Yeah. You know, and I would say disrespected, um, could be one of the words used. I would say just,

00:11:01.520 you know, my actions weren't aligned with the man I wanted to be. You know, I'd come home and when

00:11:06.300 things got, what didn't go the way I wanted to, I'd blow up, I'd get mad, I'd get angry, I'd get

00:11:10.160 frustrated and it'd come out of my actions. And I ended up acting before I actually thought about who is it

00:11:14.600 that I really want to be? Like, is this my actions aligned with my, my vision of who I need to be

00:11:19.180 as a man? And, you know, a lot of that I think stemmed from my childhood, you know, not really

00:11:22.660 having a father figure or a, or a leader, uh, uh, a masculine leader in my life really didn't show

00:11:29.140 me how to be a man, how to be a father, a husband, or a leader. And so it was really like just leading

00:11:34.180 blindly, if you will. I think that, I think that story of not having a father figure in your life is,

00:11:40.840 is so common. You know, as I started this movement, uh, what has it been for a little

00:11:46.600 over four years now, I started sharing that story of mine. You know, I didn't have a father figure

00:11:51.300 and it's amazing to me how many men came out and said, yeah, I didn't have a father figure and I

00:11:56.020 didn't have an example. And my dad left or my dad was out of the picture. And I think it's so common

00:12:00.880 and it's so devastating. That's what's in, that's what's so fascinating to me is it's so devastating

00:12:06.840 and yet so common and very rarely is it talked about as being an issue.

00:12:13.100 Oh, a hundred percent. You know, and I never thought in my whole lifetime up until that point

00:12:18.020 that what I endured as a child would come back and haunt me as an adult. You know,

00:12:23.220 I thought that I was past that, that it was gone and that I had moved since moved beyond that.

00:12:28.280 You know, I was, I was doing good in my career. I was, I was running and gunning. I was

00:12:31.720 at the pinnacle of my career. But when it came time to lead those who needed me most,

00:12:37.000 my wife, my children, all those things that, you know, were kind of handed down to me

00:12:41.360 started flaring up and showing up in places that I didn't want them to. And it was hard to control.

00:12:47.200 How did you finally feel like you, you got that control? And, and I don't know if it's,

00:12:51.920 if it's perfect now, I'm sure there's still moments where you feel like maybe you lose control

00:12:56.080 to some degree, but how did you start to put some reins on this thing?

00:12:59.080 Yeah. You know, it, for me, it was, first of all, um, assessing my situation, my,

00:13:05.580 my current situation, you know, who am I surrounding myself with? And what I found in,

00:13:09.560 is, you know, and one of my mentors told me this, he says, in life, you don't get what you want.

00:13:12.480 You get who you are. And the man that I was being and the man that I was, was attracting other

00:13:17.880 like-minded people that weren't really doing much. They were in the same boat I was right. And,

00:13:21.360 and I had to realize that, Hey, my, my current circumstances are relevant to my current level of

00:13:27.300 awareness, but also who am I surrounding myself with, you know? And it was really me having to

00:13:31.820 reevaluate that and cutting ties with a lot of people that just weren't helping me get to where

00:13:37.100 I wanted to be. It was that they were keeping me where I was at. And it wasn't that good,

00:13:40.940 right? My comfort zone.

00:13:42.180 Sure. Yeah. I get that. You said you were a mentor. Who was that in your life?

00:13:47.580 Yeah. At that time, um, it was, uh, one of my buddies, he, he, he was a couple of years

00:13:52.080 ahead of me. Um, in the military or yeah. Okay. Yep. And, um, you know, he, he had a family and

00:14:00.280 he was really just had a, you know, a good balance on his personal and professional life. And I wanted

00:14:06.520 that, but I was, I was still influenced by other people who were just not moving forward in their

00:14:13.560 life. They were either heavy on their career and in their professional life and neglected their home

00:14:18.180 life or vice versa. So there really wasn't a, a, a congruency between either or. And this, uh,

00:14:24.940 gentleman, he had a balance that he, that he just encompassed and it, it, it bred clarity and also

00:14:31.460 mitigated the chaos in his life. Like he was doing the same job I was doing, but yet he was more

00:14:35.600 fulfilled. He was more calm under pressure and all the meaningless things in our life that I felt

00:14:41.340 that were hindering me didn't affect him as much. And I was like, well, how is that? And so he told me

00:14:46.920 that he's like, you know, you just look at your surroundings, look around you and, you know,

00:14:51.640 take evaluation. You have to get true, you know, find your truth in your current reality.

00:14:56.480 And for me, that was, you know, cutting, cutting ties with a lot of people.

00:15:00.540 Yeah. That's, that's an interesting phrase, truth in your current reality. Do you feel like

00:15:05.040 you were blinded to what was happening objectively and that you were just, I don't know, maybe a victim

00:15:11.020 or it is what it is and you just make the best of it. What, what was your thought process

00:15:14.840 with your environment at that point? Yeah. You know, I would say,

00:15:19.700 you know, victim would be something that we use as an excuse, but I don't think anybody's a victim

00:15:24.920 of their circumstances unless they choose to be. Sure. You know, um, I would say that it was really,

00:15:31.120 um, my comfort zone. I felt like I fit in. I, I, when you don't know who you are and which I didn't,

00:15:36.800 I just wanted to fit in with whoever would accept me. Let's be honest. You know, the people that were

00:15:40.380 accepting me at the time really weren't doing much. So it was comfortable. I fit in. I wasn't a,

00:15:43.780 I was, I didn't stand out. And so that was comfortable for me. And I quickly realized that,

00:15:49.580 you know, in order to grow, in order to change, in order to be a leader, you're going to have to

00:15:53.600 stand out. There's going to, you know, if you want to keep everybody happy, go be an ice cream man.

00:15:56.900 Don't be a leader. Yeah. Yeah. Good point. Actually, people are mad at the ice cream man too,

00:16:00.680 when he runs out of the, the, the flavor that they want. Right. So there's, you can't escape

00:16:04.320 people being upset with you. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I want to come back to that. And I think

00:16:10.980 cutting ties is really important because I know a lot of men listening to this podcast right now,

00:16:16.140 if they were to inventory and maybe they already have, they know that there's people in their life

00:16:21.700 who are not good, who are not productive, who are not effective, who are not conducive to what

00:16:26.580 they're trying to accomplish. And yet they've had a very difficult time being able to cut these people

00:16:31.200 out. So I'm going to, I'm going to come back to that, but I'm, I'm really fascinated with this

00:16:35.060 mentorship relationship because I also know a lot of guys listening, want to have a mentor,

00:16:41.400 want to have a coach, want to have somebody to aspire to be like. And what I'm hearing from you

00:16:46.900 is that this wasn't necessarily a formal mentorship process. This was maybe somebody who, who was a

00:16:54.620 little higher up in the chain at work, or maybe even a friend, it sounds like, is, is that accurate?

00:17:00.120 Yeah. Yeah. And I would say, you know, somebody who was a little bit further along in their walk

00:17:05.240 and this journey of life than I was, you know, a lot more older than me, a little bit more mature.

00:17:10.160 He's been through kind of some similar situations, but I would say just a little bit further along

00:17:15.260 on his walk, on his journey. And we're all on this journey to be better and do better and have

00:17:19.080 better in our life. But, you know, we have to find those, I think that are a little bit further

00:17:22.080 along, not too far ahead that they're out of, we're out of sight, but close enough that we can still

00:17:26.720 reach out and say, Hey, I need your help. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's such a good point

00:17:30.780 because these guys are looking for, again, they're looking for that mentorship and they think it has

00:17:35.420 to be some formal, like documented mentorship. And certainly coaching is, is important. I've hired

00:17:40.920 coaches and mentors and invested in, in those individuals and ultimately invested myself.

00:17:47.040 But I think there's also opportunities to just look around an inventory who's in your,

00:17:52.620 your, maybe just outside of your current circle and see if you can reach out to those

00:17:56.680 individuals. Like for me, I had a couple of guys in my financial planning practice who I was

00:18:01.880 mentored from specifically with regards to building my, my practice, but it wasn't some formal

00:18:08.300 documented contracted agreement. It was, Hey, can we go out to lunch and I can ask you some questions

00:18:14.380 or if they saw me doing something that maybe needed to be improved, I gave them permission to correct

00:18:18.540 me. And it was very informal, although it was, it was very, very beneficial for me.

00:18:23.400 Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that, you know, like you said, a lot of men are reaching

00:18:28.660 for that. Well, what I found too, is that for a time it was right in front of me, but I wasn't

00:18:34.420 humbling myself enough to say, I need help. You know, I have this quote that I just keep with me

00:18:41.200 every single day. And it reminds me that no one can produce great things who is not thoroughly sincere

00:18:47.220 with dealing with themselves first. Meaning that until you're ready to deal with your own stuff,

00:18:52.280 nobody else can ever help you. You have to be willing to take the first step. And I think

00:18:56.780 that was my problem for the longest time. I'm okay. I'm good. I'm good. It's not that bad.

00:19:02.340 And really it was, it was bad. It was worse than what I, what I thought or I portrayed it to be.

00:19:07.020 So how did you humble yourself to the point where you started reaching out and started inventorying?

00:19:13.340 I know a lot of guys hit rock bottom, uh, things like going through a divorce or a separation or

00:19:20.460 losing a job or having to declare bankruptcy or heaven forbid sliding in depression and

00:19:26.960 potentially even attempted suicide before they wake up and realize how bad things really are.

00:19:32.280 Yeah. You know, I think for me, it was really doing a lot of self-reflection. You know, I,

00:19:36.540 I, we talked about growing, you know, my past growing up, it was pretty much a big struggle,

00:19:41.000 but I reflected on where I came from and kind of where I've been. And I took a look at my,

00:19:46.140 I'm in my office. I have a picture of my wife and my family. And every time, every morning now

00:19:49.960 that I go in there and I read or I meditate or I pray, I look over at them and they remind me of

00:19:54.740 why I do what I do. And it was really like me putting myself in that position of here, here it

00:20:00.220 is. It's you against you look across that desk and, and who do they need you to be? It's not about

00:20:05.040 you anymore. Get over yourself. And I knew that if I didn't take those actions, getting, you know,

00:20:11.040 into the iron council, getting around people that are, that are further along, asking for help and

00:20:16.420 saying, Hey, I need somebody to help me. Then I would, not only was I going to suffer, but the

00:20:21.180 people that were sending that picture, my wife and my two boys were going to suffer as well. And I

00:20:24.720 couldn't bear that because I would have been living pretty much in the same shoes as my father,

00:20:29.260 just abandoning your family. And that's usually what happens, right? You follow in the footsteps of

00:20:32.660 what you were given. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't have to play out like that and it doesn't for a lot

00:20:36.980 of guys, but I think that's probably the exception that you and others are able to break out from that

00:20:42.760 and create a new, a new cycle, if you will. So I mean, I definitely commend you for doing that.

00:20:50.020 I guess I would ask, cause one of the things I talk about is making sure that you're also doing

00:20:55.620 things for yourself, right? So you're talking about, Hey, I did this for them, my wife and kids

00:21:00.240 and wanted to improve. And there's, there's certainly merit to that, but I also think there's

00:21:06.100 got to be a level of doing it for yourself and nobody else. Would you agree with that? Do you

00:21:11.300 feel like there's a balance there? What are your thought processes around that idea?

00:21:16.400 Oh, a hundred percent. You know, and that, and that was something that I struggled with for a long

00:21:19.460 time, putting myself first. And here's the thing, you can't give what you don't have. And so if you

00:21:24.200 can't take care of yourself or add value to yourself, you can never add value to somebody else,

00:21:28.160 including your loved ones. And for a long time, I was like, well, let me just sacrifice my own

00:21:33.040 wellbeing to make sure that they're taken care of, but you end up burned out, you know,

00:21:37.420 burned out and tired and exhausted. And it only usually comes out, uh, in an unintentional ways.

00:21:42.720 And so I, I a hundred percent agree that you have to make sure you take care of yourself first,

00:21:48.400 creating, carving out that margin in that time to make sure that you're a hundred percent so that

00:21:52.400 you can give a hundred percent, because if you're not doing that, you're going to show up half-assed in

00:21:56.600 your life.

00:21:56.960 Yeah. Yeah. So what, what, what types of things do you do for yourself? I know that you,

00:22:02.760 at one point, were you a power lifter at one point?

00:22:06.080 Yeah, I was in, I was in a power lifting and bodybuilding at one time. Um, now really it's

00:22:12.420 Spartan races. I've been getting into, uh, the Spartan races. I got a couple of races coming up.

00:22:17.420 Um, and I really found that for me, that margin for me is really challenging myself physically and

00:22:22.260 mentally. Um, and it's coming in the sense of time for me to get to the gym and work out, uh,

00:22:28.100 morning time, meditation and reading, growing as a person and then helping other people,

00:22:32.480 carving out time for me to be able to go out and mentor, you know, and, and, and, and help other

00:22:37.920 people and start, you know, other things that help that are of value to other people. And so for me,

00:22:44.280 that's really how I create that margin in my life.

00:22:47.840 Yeah. I like that. I like that. I want to go back to, we were talking about, uh, cutting ties.

00:22:54.560 And again, I know there's a lot of people who are listening who know that they need to cut some

00:22:57.800 ties, some relationships in their life. How did you begin to do that when you recognize that you

00:23:02.680 had somebody in your life that probably shouldn't be there or have as much of your attention as you

00:23:07.260 were currently giving them? Yeah, I would say, you know, for me, and this might not be true for,

00:23:12.140 you know, many listening, but, um, for me, a lot of those ties that I had to cut were my own

00:23:16.280 family members. Um, unfortunately, you know, and the process started with forgiveness, you know,

00:23:21.380 um, for me, you know, it started out with my own father. You know, I got back from, uh, Haiti,

00:23:27.940 um, in 2011, 2012. And I was carrying the weight of just an anger and frustration with

00:23:35.580 his actions and what he did with him, with his life and what he continues to do. And the first

00:23:41.360 level of cutting ties with him was calling him to forgive him and apologize for my, you know, who I,

00:23:47.920 what I did to provoke that. And that was pretty powerful for me because that allowed me to move

00:23:53.800 forward in my life, kind of to get to where I'm at today. I truly believe that I wouldn't be where

00:23:59.080 I'm at today if I wouldn't have forgave him for the things that he did, you know, at a young age,

00:24:04.080 but also continues to do up until this day. So I think for me, it was really finding those people

00:24:08.640 out, getting them out and saying, okay, who are these people? They're either adding value or

00:24:11.960 they're subtracting value. There's no, no in between, right? There's either they are, they

00:24:14.900 aren't. And then having that conversation with them and let, and then really saying, okay,

00:24:20.080 this conversation that I need to have, it's going to hurt. It's not going to be easy,

00:24:23.820 but it's going to be necessary. So are you still connected then with, with your father now

00:24:29.420 or not at all? Yeah. Interesting. Interesting enough, you know, after about almost,

00:24:37.660 12 years now from actually having a real conversation with them, um, besides, you know,

00:24:44.540 2011 when I called to forgive him, he reached out to me recently. And, uh, oddly enough,

00:24:49.340 he's been following me and everything that I've been doing all my journey to where I'm at today.

00:24:53.400 He's been watching in the back in the shadows. And he reached out to tell me for the first time ever

00:24:58.040 in my life, I think for that, I can remember that he was proud of the man that I've become.

00:25:02.280 Hmm. That's that. So I think you could take that one of two ways. There's, there's probably a lot

00:25:09.580 of people who would have some animosity towards, towards him and, and shut that down. Or the other

00:25:18.360 side is that you could embrace that and accept it or somewhere in between. I'm curious to know where,

00:25:23.020 where you fall on that spectrum. Yeah. You know, and I shared this, you know, with,

00:25:27.640 with my battle team here in iron council, but I think regardless of how you feel or as a man,

00:25:34.860 how you feel, and it's for those who are maybe struggling with the same situation with their

00:25:39.020 father, but I had a lot of, you know, resentment towards him. And, you know, now I have two boys.

00:25:43.020 And for the longest time I talked to my wife and I was like, you know, I don't think I'm ever going

00:25:46.220 to allow my father to meet them. He's never met my two boys and they're four and three right now.

00:25:51.660 And when he called and we had the conversation, he said, I'm proud of everything you're doing,

00:25:55.520 son. And I, I've been watching you and I don't, I haven't been a part of your life. I want you to

00:26:00.020 know that I'm very proud of the man that you've become. And it sparked an emotion. I mean, it's

00:26:05.460 something that I think every man needs to hear from their father or from somebody that they,

00:26:09.560 they needed that from early in their life. They never got that. And we talked in long story short,

00:26:16.120 you know, October, we're going to be going back home and he's going to meet my kids. He's going to

00:26:19.300 meet his grandsons. And I think that I, I think that's necessary, right? I would live in regret

00:26:23.780 at the end of my life or at the end of his life, you know, next time I see him,

00:26:27.460 if I didn't give him that opportunity to do so. And I think it's a pretty powerful thing,

00:26:32.360 you know, forgiveness and really seeing it come full circle.

00:26:35.440 Yeah. I mean, there's no doubt. There's no doubt that forgiveness is powerful. One of the things that

00:26:39.300 you said, as you were talking about him is that you forgave him of the things that he had done

00:26:43.540 and you had apologized for the things that you provoked in him. What are you referring to?

00:26:51.860 Yeah. And I think it goes back to this awareness. I think, you know, whenever you forgive somebody,

00:26:59.900 I think it's always, you know, extreme ownership, right? Taking responsibility for anything or any

00:27:06.200 actions that you may have caused to, to provoke that, that resentment or that, that relationship

00:27:11.860 to go the way it was. And for me, honestly, it was my way of saying, you know what, the ball's in your

00:27:16.980 court now. I've gotten it off my back and I just want to apologize for anything that I may have

00:27:22.000 done. You know, if it was me as a child, I don't know. Like maybe it was me crying too much at night

00:27:26.160 that made you leave when I was two. Maybe it was, you know, um, not visiting you in the rehab center

00:27:32.520 whenever you had your drug addiction, whatever that was. I just wanted to know that I apologize

00:27:37.200 for whatever it may have been, you know? And I think when we put that out into the universe,

00:27:41.160 it comes back to us in a different way, but it was really me just getting that off my chest and

00:27:45.480 coming to grips with who I was becoming as a man, because I can also say, I forgive you,

00:27:50.420 but I really think that if you don't apologize for what your part that you played in it,

00:27:54.400 it's really an ego thing that says, you know what, it's their fault, not mine.

00:27:58.760 Yeah. I like that distinction because I think it's easy to, to listen to this. And I'm even,

00:28:03.520 I'm saying to myself is it is not your fault, right? When you're a child, there's

00:28:08.220 how much of it is really your fault. But what I'm hearing you say is that you're not taking

00:28:13.440 the blame or the burden, but you're just letting it go. You're completely getting it off your

00:28:19.880 shoulders and just owning that, letting it go. And then, and then moving forward.

00:28:26.280 Absolutely. And one thing I heard, um, that really struck me a couple of years ago is,

00:28:31.300 um, I, it was an accountability, um, statement that really stuck with me, but it says

00:28:35.880 it may not have been your fault, but it's always your responsibility.

00:28:40.920 And when I think about that, it's about anything that happens in your life, right? Things that

00:28:44.840 happen in our life. And it goes back to that victim mentality, right? Cause I, I, I see a lot

00:28:48.200 of people that have that victim mentality. Well, it's not my fault. Yes, you're right. Your

00:28:51.840 circumstances aren't your fault, but it's always your responsibility to grow into, into become aware

00:28:57.340 of that so that you can change it, right? Change the course of, of, uh, action, break those chains

00:29:02.580 that you have or that cycle that you were given so that you don't pass that down to the next

00:29:06.260 generation. So I take responsibility for that as a man, I'm not going to replay or reenact what I

00:29:11.660 was given. And so, yes, it wasn't my fault, but it was my responsibility and it is my responsibility

00:29:16.480 to grow and to become somebody that's overcome these issues.

00:29:21.800 Yeah. I like that distinction. Uh, I think so many people, uh, and I've done this in the past where

00:29:26.580 I've used a lack of father figure in my life as an opportunity to self-destruct and to blame him

00:29:33.280 and my circumstances. And especially when I was younger, I carried around this chip on my shoulder.

00:29:38.300 And when anybody called me on it, I said, well, you know, I don't have a dad around. It's like,

00:29:41.700 which is true. I mean, the circumstances were true and that makes it a harder battle for sure.

00:29:48.520 But at some point we have to let our excuses expire, right? Like you're a grown man.

00:29:54.000 And if you can't let that excuse of not having a father figure around expire and start to accept

00:30:01.280 some burden of responsibility, I mean, how, how, how immature is that? How, how, how sad is that?

00:30:08.620 You feel like you can't change because something happened to you 30 years ago. And yet I think

00:30:14.800 there's so many people who fall into this trap, who, who play the victim card, who won't let things

00:30:21.020 expire, who had undoubtedly shitty circumstances and situations happen. And yet they still refuse,

00:30:29.860 refuse to let it grow, to learn from the experiences, and then to become a better human

00:30:35.460 being because of it. Absolutely. And at the end of the day, it's all wasted energy. All that energy

00:30:42.260 you're wasting on somebody else that probably doesn't even care. It's not even thinking about you,

00:30:47.860 but yet you're wasting this energy. That energy could be taken and given as something's productive.

00:30:51.700 It could be meaningful and they provide fruit in your life. But yet we waste it on, on stuff like

00:30:56.000 that, on people that are like that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, let's, let's rewind a little bit here. Let's,

00:31:01.280 let's go back into your childhood because you've got a very, well, I don't think fascinating is,

00:31:08.020 is the right word, especially because you experienced it and you lived it. But, but tell me about

00:31:12.940 your childhood, because I think there's a lot of men here that probably resonate to some degree with

00:31:19.220 it and maybe not quite as even traumatic as what you've experienced and, and yet have fallen into

00:31:25.760 the victim trap or the pity party. And I think giving this some context would really help guys see

00:31:31.220 what's possible. Yeah. So, so, you know, at two years old, my dad left, um, left our house and it

00:31:44.420 would be two years later that I would, at four years old, I would witness my mom, uh, attempt suicide

00:31:49.020 in front of me and my siblings. And, uh, we would shortly then after be taken away and given to a

00:31:54.340 foster system and needless to say, the foster system wasn't really conducive to growing. It

00:31:59.960 was, you know, abusive, you know, mentally and physically. And that would be, you know,

00:32:05.180 my childhood growing up until I was a teenager. And, you know, when things weren't right, we get

00:32:09.900 blamed for it. When there was not enough food to eat, we wouldn't eat. And, um, you know, my sister

00:32:15.120 and I were treated very differently. And it was, uh, it was a very chaotic, uh, childhood in the sense

00:32:21.700 that we really didn't have a sense of direction. We didn't know if we belonged. We didn't know if

00:32:25.300 we were, you know, supposed to be where we were. It was just, Hey, here's your circumstances, you

00:32:30.320 know? Um, and I remember going through there and I joke with people now because, you know,

00:32:36.560 in the military, we use our social security number and, you know, I knew my social security number

00:32:40.060 since I was five years old, because that's how we used to get our meals and, you know, the government

00:32:45.160 breakfast and lunches. And, uh, I remember that victim mentality. You know, I tell people it was

00:32:49.460 that, why me, why does this have to happen to me? And, uh, you know, it would be a couple

00:32:55.700 of years later. And when I was about sixth grade, I would move back in with my mom. She

00:32:58.820 since, you know, remarried and, uh, we moved back in with her and, and we thought things

00:33:04.240 were good. You know, we get to be back with our, with, you know, a loved one, somebody who

00:33:07.120 cares and the chaos still is chaos still ensued. And we, it was a little struggle all the way

00:33:12.860 through high school. And, you know, it was really unfortunate because I wasn't, I didn't

00:33:21.160 feel like I was that person who was given, dealt the hand that was supposed to succeed.

00:33:25.660 You know, I was given a hand that was less than favorable and it would be a struggle all

00:33:31.880 the way through my teenage years until, you know, I joined the military. I'd find myself

00:33:35.340 homeless at 17. Um, and then I, you know, I joined the military, joined the Navy for a second

00:33:41.440 chance at life really. Were, uh, were you and your sister together during that entire

00:33:46.920 time or did you guys, were you guys split up? How did that work?

00:33:50.660 Yeah, we were together. We were, um, we were in the same house together and we, you know,

00:33:55.300 I remember very vividly, you know, I was about 10 years old and I remember, you know, we just

00:34:00.900 got finished, you know, getting punished for something that we didn't do. And we were sitting

00:34:04.880 in a bunk bed and I remember looking at her and I told her, I remember telling her, I was

00:34:08.780 like, we're going to, we're going to be all right. We're going to make it, you know,

00:34:11.380 and now at the time where you look around your circumstances and I think this can relate

00:34:15.520 to a lot of people because a lot of our circumstances aren't conducive to the person

00:34:20.080 that are the things that we want in our life. They're not, they're not conducive to the vision

00:34:24.220 that we had for our life. But in that moment, I was able to look over at her and hug her and tell

00:34:29.580 her we're going to be okay. Now I think about that and it still chokes me up because we're

00:34:33.580 the only people in our family to get college educations to go on to have successful lives.

00:34:37.480 And, uh, we still talk about it till this day. We just remember looking over at her

00:34:41.780 as kind of her provider, her protector and said, you know, we're going to be okay.

00:34:47.040 How much, uh, how much younger is she than you? I'm assuming she's your younger sister.

00:34:51.780 Yeah. She's two years younger than me.

00:34:53.180 Okay. Yeah. How did you, so, I mean, so how old were you at that point? Did you say?

00:35:01.120 I was roughly nine to 10 years old. I think about 10 years old.

00:35:03.580 Yeah. I mean, I think about, I've got an 11 year old and I think about, you know,

00:35:07.940 he's mature in a lot of ways and a lot of ways he's 11. Right. Uh, but you had to grow up fast.

00:35:15.300 And so how did you, how did you learn to deal with things that were beyond your control or,

00:35:22.380 or did you even recognize it to that degree? I mean, there are a lot of things that are beyond

00:35:26.420 your control and yet it seems like you took a rough situation and did what you could with it at a

00:35:33.000 very, very young age. Yeah. You know, and I look back at it and really it was, you know,

00:35:37.820 my flight or flight system, you know, that feeling you get when you're just in scarcity mindset,

00:35:41.860 just trying to survive, you know, that was really my reality, you know, for many years,

00:35:45.740 but it allowed me to, to really grow very fast. And it allowed me to really focus in the moment to

00:35:54.460 really understand that, you know, this too will pass, that this can't be the future. Like, this is

00:36:03.240 not, this is not how it was intended to be. Like, this is not what my life's going to end,

00:36:07.200 end up as. And, um, something interesting that, you know, throughout this whole process, you know,

00:36:11.880 we were given away my dad's mother, who was my grandmother. She was very, played a very big role

00:36:18.260 in my life. Um, that was really, I think the, the reason for my success today is because she kind of

00:36:25.240 took the place as my father while he was in and out of rehab and kind of absent in my life. When we did

00:36:30.320 have visitation, right, when he did have his visitation weekends, we would stay with my

00:36:34.480 grandmother, my grandfather, and they were very successful in business. And they would kind of

00:36:42.040 show us at a young age, what kind of success looked like as a family, but also, um, professionally as

00:36:49.260 well. And it was a very short amount of time, but they were that nurturer and kind of that

00:36:53.520 unconditional love and that constant in our life and in a chaotic environment that we were in.

00:37:00.680 Yeah. I mean, you've got to have, at some point, you've got to have some framework for

00:37:03.960 success, right? Otherwise it's going to be very difficult for you to achieve anything that,

00:37:08.400 that is out of your current scope of reality, right? You have to have these new stimuluses and

00:37:13.860 new people coming into your life, exposing you to a degree, uh, to what is, what is available and

00:37:20.580 what potential lies, uh, when, when you're willing to push or do something a little bit differently.

00:37:25.240 So one of the things that you said earlier, Anthony, that, that struck out with me is,

00:37:29.100 is you, you were asking yourself the question of, of why me? And I think that's a question. I know

00:37:34.900 that's a question I've asked of myself in difficult circumstances. I know that's

00:37:38.320 a question. A lot of guys are asking themselves, do you feel like you've been able to answer

00:37:42.460 that looking back on your life and in your, your childhood?

00:37:46.740 Yeah. You know, as of recently, just in the last three years, I would say, and not,

00:37:53.420 and this is a shameless plug, but I would attribute it to the work that we do in the iron council.

00:37:56.880 Um, and I, the reason I say that is because, you know, I, I recently helped launch a program here

00:38:02.100 within the, um, the city that I live in for the whole County actually called guys and ties,

00:38:07.280 where I actually helped young men who were like me, that don't have a father that are struggling

00:38:11.280 in school and struggling at home, uh, to be leaders and to be, you know, good stewards and,

00:38:16.740 and be men. And, um, and now I know why me, and now it's, it's come full circle to be,

00:38:23.120 you know, that man or that, that person who's able to raise two young men, which are my kids,

00:38:30.060 but not only that, but influenced thousands of young men to go through what I, what I had to

00:38:36.560 endure as a, as a child and as a teen and kind of my upbringing. And so, yes, I think I, I've been

00:38:42.060 able to answer that question. Why me? And now I say, why not me? Right now I know. And so it's been

00:38:48.600 really cool to be able to see that and be able, like you said, to be able to answer that question.

00:38:52.060 Why me? Needless to say, guys, based on this conversation, the iron council is a powerful

00:38:59.320 tool and a resource in the lives of Anthony, of course, and hundreds more. These are the types

00:39:05.160 of men that you can expect to find inside of our exclusive brotherhood, the iron council.

00:39:09.600 These are men who don't necessarily have everything figured out, uh, but men who are on the path to

00:39:14.620 improving themselves in every single capacity. And as powerful as a transformation story as Anthony's,

00:39:21.040 there's hundreds of other stories of self-improvement from losing weight to rekindling marriages,

00:39:28.680 to connecting with kids, to starting businesses and every other facet of life. These are men who

00:39:34.820 are harnessing the power of the band of brothers inside of the iron council. So if you're interested

00:39:39.900 in hearing their stories and unlocking all the tools and resources that we share inside of our

00:39:45.060 brotherhood, join us at order of man.com slash iron council. Again, that's order of man.com

00:39:50.960 slash iron council. Go ahead and take care of that after the show. For now, let's get back to this

00:39:55.580 powerful story with Anthony. It's really interesting because as we deal with our, our life circumstances

00:40:02.360 and we all have crappy situations, some, some worse than others. I feel like anytime we deal

00:40:08.360 with these situations that they're all designed in a way to make us stronger, right? To make us more

00:40:13.760 capable. And then what I found is through the work that we're doing here and, and just in hearing

00:40:19.180 your story and knowing your story and knowing you personally, you're doing the same thing,

00:40:23.120 you know, guys and ties that's taking your, your baggage, your, your story, your negative

00:40:28.840 circumstances and using it as fuel to turn around and lift somebody else up. And it's such a powerful

00:40:35.420 way to overcome your own challenges and turn them into something that's, that's genuinely positive,

00:40:44.160 where I think there's way too many men who use those things as an opportunity to self-destruct and,

00:40:49.820 and a road and wither away. And yeah, it's, it's actually pretty tragic to see when it wasn't meant

00:40:56.000 that way. It was meant to give you the strength and the fortitude and the stamina that you need to

00:41:01.500 endure all that life has to offer and help others do the same thing. Yeah. You know, in the

00:41:07.060 philosopher, I'm a psychologist, Carl Jung. He says this, he says, he who looks outside dreams,

00:41:13.160 but he who looks inside awakens. And I think there's something to be said about that because

00:41:17.100 it took a lot of internal, like deep dive for me to pull out that belief system that's going to allow

00:41:24.720 me to get on stage and speak in front of these kids to be able to go out and impact and help others

00:41:28.140 with leadership and development. And I really believe that a lot of people, they, they, we stay

00:41:33.240 victims in our circumstances because we're too busy comparing ourselves to outside things, you know,

00:41:37.280 Facebook, social media and saying, well, they got it all figured out and I don't. And we get

00:41:41.520 trapped in that comparison factor. And so I think it's only when you look inside and really find

00:41:47.260 out who you really are, that you can actually say, you know what, I have been through something

00:41:51.420 and there's others that are, that are needing me to come through so I can help them get through it

00:41:54.980 as well. We're not the only ones dealing with our own circumstances and our, you know, our BS,

00:41:59.440 our belief system, if you will, but we're not the only ones, but we think we are in that time

00:42:03.500 because we look around and that's all we see. And it's only until you go inside and really reflect on

00:42:08.500 what it is that I, what is it that I overcome? Whether it's, you know, alcoholism, whether it's

00:42:12.780 abuse, whether it's, you know, physical, whatever that is, we have to understand as men is that we're

00:42:18.360 not the only ones that are going through this. There's other people that need to hear your voice,

00:42:21.940 but it takes for you to get over that before you can help other people overcome it as well.

00:42:27.460 Did you feel like this is going to sound maybe a little self-serving? It's not,

00:42:30.760 because I know a lot of people are in this boat, but did you feel like

00:42:33.540 when you wanted to launch things like this and you wanted to put yourself out there and develop

00:42:39.320 leadership curriculums and courses for young men? I mean, did you look at what we're doing

00:42:44.240 and, and use that as fuel or was that more intimidating to you? Like, how did you compare

00:42:48.780 what you're doing to the, the momentum that we already had going with order of man?

00:42:54.860 Yeah. You know, and right, it's right on. There's not a day that I don't call and consult with one of

00:43:00.120 my guys on my team and ask them, Hey, can you help me out with this? I was on a call last night

00:43:04.260 with one of my guys for about an hour. And first thing he says, I believe in this and I believe in

00:43:08.960 you, you as, as his battle team leader, he said, you know, you have, this can be something huge.

00:43:13.240 And we walked through it together. Um, and then also, you know, shameless plug again, but I got

00:43:18.420 into your tribe builder course. You started that course to help other people, you know, kind of find

00:43:22.640 their message and go out and help other people. And at that time, I didn't know it was going to be

00:43:26.840 young men that are going through this problems. It was just an, it was an opportunity. But if I

00:43:30.600 wouldn't have got around people like yourself and people in my battle team and people in the

00:43:34.040 iron council, people who have a bigger vision in their current circumstance, I would have never

00:43:37.560 became aware of those opportunities. And I would have missed every one of them that came to my table.

00:43:42.360 And I think that awareness helped me see those opportunities because they were right in front

00:43:45.880 of me the whole time. But until you have the awareness of what's possible, you'll, they'll pass you up

00:43:50.260 every day. Yeah, that's a good point. I mean, those opportunities are there. I remember, um,

00:43:55.780 gosh, I don't remember how exactly how it went, but I was at this conference in my financial

00:44:00.340 planning practice and somebody had alluded to the same thing. They said, if, if, you know,

00:44:05.940 somebody's talking about having, having a million dollar account, right. And I was a young financial

00:44:10.640 advisor is that if you aren't in that right mindset, that, that, that million dollar account

00:44:16.920 or that million dollar client doesn't even look like an opportunity for you. It's not even on your

00:44:21.980 radar. Although it's right in front of you, you'd really need to expand your capacity to see

00:44:26.940 what is available. But it's really hard when you've only dealt with your own. I liked what

00:44:32.960 you said, your own BS, your own belief system. Uh, it's really hard to see that there's a new way

00:44:38.540 of operating, but that's the value of putting yourself in, in an environment of other people

00:44:43.840 who are doing what you want to do. Right. And it's uncomfortable though, to say that I can go into a

00:44:49.680 room, like say full of millionaires or full of people who are very successful. And I lack the

00:44:54.300 belief in myself that I belong there. I will not spark a conversation up. And it takes for you to

00:44:59.320 go in there saying that I am worthy and that I can't do this. And then to be able to get around

00:45:03.680 those people and hold a conversation. Right. So there's a lot of factors at play in, but until

00:45:07.840 you get over yourself, you'll never get through to other people. And you find your, your voice and

00:45:12.460 you find your audience. When you lose yourself, literally you lose that belief system. You lose

00:45:16.940 that lack of clarity until you lose yourself. You'll never find your message in your voice.

00:45:21.440 I actually think that's a big part of a part of the problem with social media. I mean,

00:45:26.080 too many of these people are doing it to stroke their own egos. And I think we see it. I think

00:45:31.180 we've become jaded and disillusioned with what these quote unquote Insta celebs and everything else

00:45:36.760 are putting out there because it's so fake and we see right through it. Uh, and it's, and it's done

00:45:41.800 from the intention of how do I lift myself up versus how do I lift others up? And so it's

00:45:47.780 really refreshing when you see somebody who genuinely cares about improving the wellbeing

00:45:52.200 of those they're, they're claiming to serve. Yeah. And you know, and again, I don't mean to

00:45:59.300 keep going on this. And again, this is unscripted, but I would say this is what I, I really, it really

00:46:03.480 attracted me to the iron council because the way that you carry around business is not to sell

00:46:08.280 or to, to just throw things where a lot of people, they leave. I got a, I got a Ferrari

00:46:12.140 and a Lambo. Come be like me. I have all this money. And you were not like that at all. And

00:46:16.820 I got to meet you personally, you know, and know you personally. And that's what I value

00:46:20.920 about you and the men in the iron council, because there's not a lot of bunch of guys walk around

00:46:24.900 in suits and drive around in the high price cars. These are men who are generally committed

00:46:29.360 to being a better person. They want to be first before they have right. Be, do, and have a lot

00:46:34.140 of people want to have, and they think when I have this, I can become this totally flawed

00:46:37.340 system. And that's what we see every day. Yeah. So true. I mean, let's go back to that

00:46:41.980 tribe builder. I don't, the tribe builder is, is a source of joy for me and also a source

00:46:47.820 of frustration because, you know, I, I really pour, pour my heart into it. You know, we've,

00:46:54.840 I've, I've taken lessons over the past four years specifically with iron council and then

00:46:58.820 10 years of, of building my financial planning practice. And I share it liberally. And it's

00:47:06.900 so, it's, it's frustrating when I put it out there and I see so few guys do the work

00:47:12.580 required to achieve some measure or level of success. And I want to just commend you because

00:47:18.620 you're one of the few who has taken the information and actually gone out and applied

00:47:24.980 it and then served yourself and serve your family and serve those young men you're, you're

00:47:29.840 working with. And, and that's a powerful thing. So, so as much as I like to say, well,

00:47:34.500 we put it together, it's really just a matter of if you're going to do the work or not.

00:47:38.760 Like if those individuals are going to go out and put in the effort, although it's scary

00:47:42.700 and awkward and uncomfortable, that's what it takes. That's all it takes.

00:47:47.980 Absolutely. And we talked about awareness, you know, early, I think there's two other A's

00:47:51.380 that people need to understand too. Once you have that awareness, you have to take action

00:47:54.680 and then you need accountability. And I think the iron council, the tribe builder is all three

00:47:59.140 of those in one. The problem is, is that you have awareness and accountability, but are you

00:48:02.660 willing to take action? You know, and I think it comes down to asking yourself two questions.

00:48:06.400 Am I willing? And am I able? We're all able, we're all capable and able to do something,

00:48:11.820 but are you willing to go out and do it? That's the question that a lot of people bump their

00:48:15.660 heads against. I'm able to do it. I can go out and do anything I want. I can change my

00:48:19.540 life tomorrow, but am I willing to do that? Are you willing to pay the price that comes along

00:48:23.520 with the perks? Too many people want the perks, but they don't want to pay the price.

00:48:26.940 Yeah, it's true. And, and what's interesting about this concept of, of willingness

00:48:30.920 is people will say they're willing to, right? That, or they'll pay for a course or they'll

00:48:36.900 invest in a coach or they'll, they'll, you know, make some, some little obligation or

00:48:42.760 commitment. And then they completely dropped the ball because it was easier to talk about

00:48:48.300 being willing to do it. But willingness means that you'll actually do it, that you'll actually

00:48:54.840 follow through, that you'll actually sacrifice, that you'll be disciplined and committed to the

00:48:59.740 process. And if you can't be those things, don't kid yourself or lie to yourself into believing that

00:49:04.800 you were willing to do it. You weren't, you were willing to say you were willing to do it.

00:49:08.800 But when push came to shove, you weren't willing to do it at all.

00:49:13.080 Absolutely. And I think that's something that you do very well is you show how simple it is

00:49:18.960 and how easy it is to just take that first step. Take, take a step. It don't have to be perfect.

00:49:24.100 Just take a step. And once you do that, your awareness increases. You take another action. Guess what?

00:49:29.440 Your awareness increases again. And along the way you have the accountability because one thing,

00:49:33.940 and I don't want to stay on this tribe builder thing too long, but, but you have it for a lifetime

00:49:37.980 and every time it's different. It's not just a plug and play where you have the same videos over and

00:49:42.340 over again. You get on there and share your time every single time. And so it's like, I have Ryan as

00:49:46.680 a mentor every single time for one, one time investment as it's, it's definitely over delivered.

00:49:52.180 Good. Well, that's, that's, that's what we're trying to do. So I know we're going to get a bunch

00:49:55.560 of messages about tribe builder. I'm just going to say this. We don't have a tribe builder course

00:49:59.580 available right now, guys. So if, if we do in the future, I will let you know, but we don't right

00:50:04.240 now. So don't shoot me a bunch of messages and ask me when the next one is. It will come if it comes.

00:50:09.800 So tell me about, um, tell me about guys and ties. I'm really fascinated with this. And I had a little

00:50:16.260 bit of an idea of what you were doing, but not, not the specifics and, and, and how in depth this is.

00:50:22.020 So tell me how it came to be and then tell me what you're doing and what your plans are with it.

00:50:28.440 Yeah. So a little backstory, you know, I was asked to go to this middle school

00:50:31.660 and they wanted to know about what I do in the military and kind of my job and how I got to

00:50:35.260 where I was. Is this through your, your kids or your sons that, that you got an invite?

00:50:40.260 No, it was through one of our public affairs officers. They know that I do a little bit of

00:50:43.540 speaking, um, you know, and leadership and development. Cause I'm always, again, I want to be

00:50:47.940 that person that's helping other people that I'm of value. So I add value to other people.

00:50:52.880 And what happened was they said, Hey, I want you to come speak to the school about, you know,

00:50:56.140 what you do in the medical field and kind of your journey through the military and what you've been

00:50:58.800 able to do around the world. And I said, yeah, no problem. And so I went and gave this bill,

00:51:02.700 you know, how I became a nurse and, you know, I was a medic before and how I went from enlisted to

00:51:07.240 officer. And a little girl raised her hand and said, sir, why don't you join the Navy?

00:51:11.520 And I froze. And I said, Oh man, here we go. How, how, how real am I going to get with these

00:51:17.360 kids right now? And I said, you know what, sweetheart? I was like, you know, I'll save that

00:51:22.100 for another day. And little did I know that the career development specialist and the superintendent

00:51:26.360 were sitting in that classroom. They said, no, sir, you got plenty of time. Oh really? They called

00:51:30.120 you out on it. They called me out. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. So I said, okay, well, here it goes.

00:51:35.860 And I opened up and I poured my heart out into them and I shared with them the pain and kind of

00:51:39.980 what I went through to get to where I'm at today. And after I was done, these little kids had tears

00:51:44.560 in their eyes. And then a couple of them came up to me and said, thank you for sharing that because

00:51:48.200 I I'm, I'm in the same boat. I'm, I'm dealing, they were telling me stuff that they couldn't tell

00:51:53.560 their own career or their own school counselors. And so were these what? 11, 12, 13 year olds. Is

00:51:58.560 that kind of the age that we're looking at? These were sixth graders at the time. Oh,

00:52:01.440 sixth graders. Okay. So yeah. 10, 11. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And I said, you know,

00:52:07.340 thank you for, for, for sharing that with me. I appreciate you being bold and brave and coming up

00:52:11.500 and I believe in you. That's it. I believe in you. And those words right there, I saw myself in that

00:52:17.220 little kid and that's what I needed as a little, when I was their age, I needed somebody to believe

00:52:20.660 in me and know that I had purpose and I had potential in me. And then a week later, the teacher

00:52:26.500 called me, the career development specialist that brought me in and says, these kids won't stop

00:52:29.540 talking about you. Can you come back and help facilitate some more leadership and development

00:52:34.120 courses, some soft skills for these kids? And I said, absolutely. And so I went back and I led

00:52:38.880 some courses. Well, they pinpointed a group of young men, about 15 to 20 of them. And they said,

00:52:45.400 these kids are struggling with school because their home life is just not up to par. And I said, okay,

00:52:50.800 well, let's, let's come together. Let's kind of think about how we can deal, you know, how we can go

00:52:54.580 about this. And they said, well, what we want to do is we want to help them be gentlemen, how to be

00:52:59.020 good stewards. And, you know, they said, what do you think about this? And they're like, okay,

00:53:04.520 let's come up with the name guys and ties, you know, a ties representative of, you know, somebody

00:53:08.760 who's, who's dressed, who, who, who takes pride in the way they look, but they also, their actions

00:53:13.580 match the way that they present themselves, right? Perception is key. Um, and so we, we went in for a

00:53:19.020 four week study and I, I, I taught him on this concept called real R E A L and it's relationships,

00:53:24.580 equipping other people, your attitude and leadership, how to be a real success.

00:53:29.560 And it was all about not succumbing to the, the ways of the world, like not looking on social

00:53:35.140 media and trying to be like that person, but being your own self, being real with who you are.

00:53:38.880 And we got into some deep conversations and we had kids, you know, confessing that when they come

00:53:43.100 home, their parents are tied to Facebook or to their phones or to the computers and they just don't

00:53:47.360 spend time with them or their parents aren't even present. Um, and we got into some really deep

00:53:51.960 conversations. And after that four weeks, um, the teacher said, you know what, we want a whole year

00:53:57.940 curriculum next year. We want you for the full year, not only that, but we want to roll this out

00:54:01.980 to the whole County. So it was about seven different schools and we want to sit down and come up with,

00:54:06.880 uh, a program that's going to launch and it's going to be able to help them go through limiting

00:54:12.200 beliefs, you know, uh, finding purpose and vision and mission statements and, uh, leadership and how to

00:54:18.880 lead by example, not just by your mouth. And it was really cool to see the awareness and kind of

00:54:25.880 those aha moments, those light bulbs going off in those little, little young man's minds. Um,

00:54:29.920 as we were speaking and, uh, it was really cool. Um, I saw one a week later, actually,

00:54:34.080 I was at the baseball game here for the local, uh, triple a team and I was throwing the first pitch

00:54:38.600 and one of the kids was with his dad and he ran up to me and he said, sir, he said, uh, Lieutenant

00:54:43.300 wait. He said, I said, Hey, what's going on? And he said, I'm here. I didn't know you were here.

00:54:47.160 And he saw me, he ran up to me, gave me a big hug and he said, thank you so much. He's like,

00:54:50.760 I'm going to miss you next year. Cause he's going on to the next grade and I might not see him.

00:54:55.160 And I went over to his dad and I shook his hand. I said, you got something special here. Your son

00:54:58.440 is a very special young man. And he looked at me and he said, thank you, sir. Thank you for what

00:55:02.060 you've done. Man, that's awesome. That, that gets me a little bit emotional. Um, yeah, that's really

00:55:08.680 cool. Is this, uh, is this a volunteer thing or is this, uh, is this like a poor, a for-profit

00:55:16.140 business? Like how, how's that working for you? Yeah. So that was a pilot, the four week

00:55:20.420 study, uh, next year is going to be kind of ironing out. And what I, what I'm looking at

00:55:25.120 doing is packaging this into a course and really getting it into, you know, the problem that

00:55:29.460 they had at the school and why they brought me in on this was because all the teachers

00:55:32.580 are females and they didn't have any male influencers. And so to influence young men, they

00:55:36.800 didn't have anybody that could do that. So they brought me in as kind of the male influence

00:55:39.540 and there's a gap, there's a void to be filled. And I just stepped into the gap, you know, I bridged

00:55:45.660 the gap between where they are, where they want to be. Um, and so I'm looking down the line down

00:55:49.880 forward into the future. My vision for it is to hopefully create a product that could be a

00:55:54.200 nonprofit, you know, or maybe a for-profit. I haven't got that far yet, but really package this

00:55:58.300 up and give it out to, I think there's a lot more schools that need to hear this and more schools

00:56:01.780 that need this kind of development. I was just recently online the other day and I saw, you know,

00:56:06.280 the stuff that's going on within the school systems and how the teachers aren't being paid

00:56:10.540 enough to even provide quality work to the kids. And it's, it's scary and it's, um, it's unfortunate,

00:56:15.880 you know? Yeah, it is unfortunate. I mean, this is one of the, the biggest threats I believe to

00:56:20.820 society is the lack of male influence in these young men's lives and, and frankly, young, young

00:56:25.380 girls as well. You know, it's our, it's our job as men to model the type of men that our boys

00:56:29.960 should aspire to be like, and then to model the type of men that, that are, are young girls

00:56:35.420 aspire to be with. And yet I see so many men who have completely disengaged physically,

00:56:41.920 mentally, emotionally. You and I have both experienced that early in our life. Uh, and

00:56:46.620 it's a real shame. It's a real travesty, that's travesty. So to see, to see men stepping up in

00:56:52.500 a big way in their communities is, man, it's just really, really inspiring. It's, it's, it's

00:56:57.460 incredible. Yeah. And so I'm just excited to see, you know, where this is going for the next

00:57:03.520 school year, but it gives me, you know, a couple, a couple of months before, you know,

00:57:06.540 through the summer to really just sit down and hash this out and really come up with,

00:57:10.700 you know, what is it that they really truly need and how can I be that person that stands

00:57:14.500 into that, that void, fills that gap and bridges the gap between where they are and where they

00:57:19.040 should be. And so it's going to take a lot and it takes for me to grow every day to become,

00:57:23.420 to keep leading by example and to keep, you know, increasing my awareness of what's possible.

00:57:27.720 And so it's going to be a fun ride. So one of the things that, that really stands out to me is

00:57:33.500 that this has unlimited potential for yourself and then unlimited potential for impact and reach in

00:57:40.960 the lives of millions and millions of youth. But it took you saying yes to one presentation.

00:57:48.420 Like think about that for a second. It, all it took to get the ball rolling is for you to say,

00:57:54.540 yes, I'll go spend a half an hour or 45 minutes or whatever it was with a class. And then that

00:58:01.140 turned into coming back. And then that turned into a four week pilot. Now it's turning into a

00:58:05.780 year long curriculum. And now it, you know, potentially you're going to start an organization,

00:58:09.520 whether it's for a nonprofit. There's so many men out there who are listening, who, who say things

00:58:16.640 like, I want to find my purpose, or I want to find meaning, or I want to find something,

00:58:22.520 you know, significant in my life. And what they're looking for is they're looking for the home run.

00:58:27.520 They're looking for the grand slam. They're looking for the heavens depart and the angels to sing

00:58:31.580 hallelujah and point the path. And it doesn't work like that. It works by saying yes to some

00:58:38.560 opportunities that resonate with you that might seem a little scary, but that resonate with you.

00:58:44.060 And you just taking one step, then another, then another, then another. And you know, before you know

00:58:50.140 it, two, three, four, five, 10 years down the road, you look back and can't believe

00:58:54.040 what you've created for yourself and what you've created for other people.

00:58:58.820 And that's so true, right? And, you know, and that was my, my reality for a long time. I wanted

00:59:02.680 the home run. I wanted to go all or nothing. It was either, you know, zero or a hundred. There was

00:59:07.000 no in between. And you're right. It was just saying yes. And what was interesting, I came to work

00:59:10.700 yesterday and a guy that he saw me walking out to one of my events to go talk. And I was wearing a tie

00:59:15.520 in the suit and he said, what are you doing? And I shared with him what I was doing. He came to my

00:59:19.140 office yesterday and brought me a bag full of brand new ties. And he says, I believe in what

00:59:23.660 you're doing. And I just want to give you this because I think you could probably use this. My wife

00:59:27.300 works at a department store and I went and I purchased all these ties for you, for your, for

00:59:31.380 what you're doing.

00:59:32.160 Are you serious? That's awesome.

00:59:33.440 Yeah. And I was like, and so here's another thing. And you always speak about this when you leaders go

00:59:37.600 first, right? So when you step up and you go, other people are watching. You never know who that I

00:59:42.540 didn't, this guy works in IT. Like they don't ever, we never communicate, but he saw me ask the

00:59:46.440 question. I was bold enough to share my vision and what I'm doing. And he says, I want to help.

00:59:52.140 And it's so powerful that whenever the leader goes first, the people that come out and say,

00:59:56.040 yes, I want to help too.

00:59:58.120 And not only that, yes, I mean, you recognize this and saw this and had that encounter and that

01:00:02.780 experience, but you don't, you don't know how many dozens or hundreds or thousands or millions of

01:00:10.000 people who you will eventually influence that you have absolutely zero idea that you ever played a

01:00:16.880 part in the ultimate success that they're enjoying and have achieved in their life. And that is

01:00:21.960 actually really, really fascinating to think about. I mean, it takes one individual to change two,

01:00:27.400 to change four, to change eight until you're reaching millions and millions of people who you've

01:00:32.640 influenced by taking one bold and courageous step.

01:00:35.500 Absolutely. You know, and I shared this with you recently, but one of those people that you're

01:00:40.700 talking about that was back in the shadows with my own father. And when he called me that day, he

01:00:44.560 said, you know, I've been watching what you're doing. And because of your ability to go and help

01:00:49.780 other people and important other people's lives, it's helped me own my own shit. And I stopped for

01:00:55.340 a second, like out of all the people that I've been able to influence and make a difference in,

01:00:58.720 to have it impact my own father who was lost for most of his life, it's pretty powerful. And so you're

01:01:03.600 right. We don't know who we're going to be impacting with our actions and who's watching,

01:01:08.020 but I would encourage you to just keep going, keep going. And you'll find that your ripple

01:01:12.400 effect is going to reach way further than you ever thought or imagined. I would have never thought

01:01:16.080 about that in a million years.

01:01:18.240 I just can't wait to see where it goes and what you continue to do. That's why I wanted to have you

01:01:23.600 here in this conversation is because, man, I'm inspired and uplifted by what you're doing. And I just

01:01:29.060 realize and recognize so much potential in the opportunities that you're creating for yourself.

01:01:33.300 It's so powerful.

01:01:35.580 Thank you, Ryan. And thank you for everything you've done for me. I can honestly say that,

01:01:40.960 you know, being part of this movement that you've created and being around men who are just

01:01:45.760 on fire to be, do, and have more in their life has really lifted me up on the days that

01:01:50.380 I didn't even believe in myself, that I couldn't see myself doing what I'm doing today,

01:01:55.100 you know, just three years ago. And it's just, it's amazing the power of community

01:01:59.580 that we all need in our life. And so thank you for what you've done in the part that you've played

01:02:04.160 in my life.

01:02:05.300 Yeah, you're welcome, man. It's my honor. One of the things you said, those, those days that you

01:02:09.220 need, you know, uplifting or not quite feeling it, do you feel like you still have those days?

01:02:13.280 Oh yeah. More than, more than I'd like to admit, but you know, I found that it never goes away.

01:02:20.080 You know, those life has a weird way of reminding you, you know, of where you've been, you know? And

01:02:27.280 I think, uh, every day we all have that voice that says, who do you think you are? And if we don't

01:02:32.380 have an answer for that, it'll beat us every time. Every time we step into something new, whether I go

01:02:37.280 to a meeting for the board of directors or when I go out and step out and speak and try to influence

01:02:41.540 or impact other people, that voice, you know, who do you think you are? Remember where you came

01:02:45.540 from? You know, remember last time or remember your own parents didn't want you remember that.

01:02:50.300 And when they, when that voice asked us, who do we think we are? We have to have an answer.

01:02:54.300 And if we don't, it'll, it'll defeat you every single time.

01:02:57.920 What's your answer?

01:03:00.720 Yeah, I know exactly who I am. I'm a person that's, it's, it's committed. I'm willing and I'm able

01:03:06.100 to step into the gap for other people, to be that leader that my family needs me to be. And for those I

01:03:10.960 love and those I lead. And I remind myself that this, that I was created for this. I was born for

01:03:16.040 this and everything that I've been through in my life has led me up until now. And this is what I

01:03:20.780 was made for. That's powerful, man. It's powerful. Well, let me ask you a couple of questions here.

01:03:25.680 The first one is what does it mean to be a man? Yeah, I think for me, what it means to be a man

01:03:33.780 is to be able to come to grips with who you are and where you are and be in your current reality,

01:03:40.680 take inventory and then take action towards the better self. And so I think it's chasing

01:03:45.780 congruency, congruency between who you are and who you desire to be. And it doesn't happen in the day.

01:03:50.940 It happens daily because we should all continue to be doing, have more and continue to grow into

01:03:55.720 that man that we desire to be. To say that we've made it, to say that we arrived is a flawed

01:04:00.240 assumption. I don't think we ever arrive. Right on, man. Excellent. Well, how do we

01:04:05.940 connect with you? How do we learn more about what you're doing, connect with you, maybe even

01:04:09.480 potentially learn more about guys and ties and all the ways to reach out? Yeah. I don't have a book

01:04:16.940 or anything like that. Follow me on Facebook. Look me up, Anthony Wade, or a shameless plug,

01:04:21.840 come join the Iron Council and join Battle Team Hotel. Yeah. You're full. You don't need any more.

01:04:27.240 I know you guys are. In fact, I had to tell you to worry about skimming back. Everybody wants to

01:04:31.980 be on your team, man. I know. But no, just look me up, Anthony Wade. I'm on social media. I'm on

01:04:38.440 Facebook. Send me a private message. You can find me at legacyleader at gmail.com. Send me an email.

01:04:44.580 Just reach out. It's all personal. There's no social media platform that I'm trying to promote or

01:04:51.700 anything like that. But just come find me in a personal matter. I'm on Order of Man. I'm on my

01:04:56.860 personal Facebook. But just reach out to me and send me a private message. I'd love to chat. I'd

01:05:00.820 love to connect. And again, thank you, Ryan, for allowing me to just add value to this group,

01:05:04.940 to what you're doing. It means a lot to me, man. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I want to tell you nothing but

01:05:09.800 love and respect for you. In a lot of ways, I like to think I'm leading you guys. And I certainly

01:05:14.960 believe in elements I am. But you have no idea how well you're leading me and leading the other men

01:05:20.260 inside of our organization. And I'm honored to be a part of it with you. So thanks, man. Appreciate you.

01:05:25.000 Thank you. Gents, there you go. I told you it was going to be a good one. I think you

01:05:30.460 heard that it was. And I hope that you walk away inspired that one man truly can make a difference

01:05:37.740 if he puts his heart and mind and soul to meaningful work to him. So make sure you connect

01:05:43.460 with both Anthony Waite and myself on Instagram and Twitter and Facebook, all at Ryan Mickler.

01:05:49.480 Let us know what you thought about the show. Let us know what you'll be walking away with. Let us know

01:05:52.940 if this inspired you, make sure you share to tag other people. If you're on Instagram

01:05:57.660 or Facebook or Twitter, wherever you're doing the social media thing, make sure while you're

01:06:01.600 there that you're tagging other men who need to hear this message because it's this message

01:06:06.560 that might just change somebody's lives. I know that's a bold statement, but I know it to be true

01:06:11.700 because I get messages and texts every single day from men who are inspired by what we're doing

01:06:18.440 and are transforming their lives through the work that we're doing. So that's your part.

01:06:22.840 You share. My part is to continue to put out these types of conversations and make the resources

01:06:27.160 available, which I commit to you and I will continue to do. I do want to apologize about again,

01:06:32.940 last week. I know I didn't mention this earlier, but if you listened to the podcast last week,

01:06:36.660 I know there was a lot of a lot of background noise on the intro and outro for my conversation

01:06:41.280 with Hans Molenkamp. I was in the airport. I'm trying to adapt and overcome and do everything

01:06:45.600 I possibly can as we gear up for our move. I'm trying to put good content out there guys,

01:06:49.920 but you know, at times you just got to make things work and I didn't want to miss an episode.

01:06:53.720 I wanted to get it to you. So I know there was a lot of background noise. I hope it wasn't too

01:06:57.760 big of a distraction. I'll make sure I keep things clean as I can moving forward. Anyways,

01:07:02.940 guys, that's all I've got for you today. Glad you're on this mission of reclaiming and restoring

01:07:06.160 masculinity. We could not do it without you. Next podcast will be coming to you from Maine.

01:07:12.840 This has been a process that has taken the last, well, just under six months of our lives. And

01:07:17.860 we're excited to be finally stepping into this chapter. And I want to thank you for the support

01:07:22.600 on that as well. So until tomorrow for our ask me anything episode, go out there, take action

01:07:28.680 and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.

01:07:33.780 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:07:37.560 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

01:07:42.840 An honor.

01:07:46.840 Let's meet you.

01:07:47.840 Thank you.

01:07:47.860 So let's see.

01:07:49.080 Let's see you in the next episode.

01:07:55.980 Go with us all to see you in the next episode.

01:08:03.820 We'll be at the next episode.

01:08:04.960 Find

Order of Man - May 28, 2019

One Man Can Make a Difference｜ ANTHONY WAITE

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