OoM 009： How to Make the Relationship with Your Woman Work, Luis Congdon
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
199.7921
Summary
In this episode, Ryan Michler sits down with Lewis Congdon, host of the top rated podcast, Lasting Love Connection, to talk about how to have a successful relationship with your significant other and how to make it last.
Transcript
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If you're anything like me, you could use some help in the relationship with your spouse department.
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I try to be a good husband and companion, but it's easy for me to fall short.
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When things are great with my wife, things are great in other areas of my life,
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but when I'm struggling in my relationship with her, it spills over and affects other areas.
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That is why my conversation today with Lewis Congdon with Lasting Love Connection is so powerful.
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest.
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Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time.
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Every time, you are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
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At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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My name is Ryan Michler. I am glad that you've tuned in today.
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We've got a great one lined up, and we're going to be talking about a topic that we have not yet discussed on this show before,
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and that is how to build a better relationship with your spouse or your significant other.
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But before we get into that, I mentioned to you last week that we started a YouTube channel that I wanted to invite you to subscribe to.
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We just released a video today on why it is so important that you stop comparing yourself to other men.
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So you can go to youtube.com slash orderofman, and be sure to check it out and subscribe to our YouTube channel.
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Now, before we meet our guest today, I want to be sure to let you know that you can check out all the show notes for this show at orderofman.com slash 009.
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Louis is a relationship coach, and he's worked with literally hundreds of couples.
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And he's also worked for one of the nation's largest research projects looking at marital success.
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So in addition to that, he also hosts a top-rated podcast called Lasting Love Connection, which is how I found out about him and his work.
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Louis, I'm so excited to have you on the show today. Thanks for joining us.
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So we got connected through a group that we belong to for podcasters, and I was excited that you actually reached out to me because I had seen your show.
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I think we launched our shows about the same time. Lasting Love Connection is your show, and so I'm excited to talk with you about that.
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Tell me a little bit about your podcast and how you got started with that.
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Definitely. Well, you know, Lasting Love Connection is a show for people who want to have lasting love, who want to have a relationship that lasts.
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So, you know, if you've had a few heartbreaks in your life or if you're in a new relationship or want to be in a relationship and want to know how to make that one last, the show is for you.
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And, you know, to answer that question, how did I get started?
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Well, I got started because I was heartbroken and I didn't know how to make a relationship last and had various relationships where I fell in love, not work out.
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So I really committed myself to learning and trying to understand what makes a relationship successful.
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And if I do all those things, then I'm most likely going to be able to produce those results.
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So I'm married now and we've been happily married for almost 11 years, but I've also been in relationships in the past where, like you said, it just hasn't worked out.
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Are there relationships that just aren't meant to be or is it the fact that maybe one or both of us just didn't work hard enough?
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You know, I really believe that two people joining together is such a special experience.
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Two people meeting and falling in love is an incredibly special experience, but that experience isn't always meant to last.
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I do think that just like anything in our lives, that if we learn the proper steps, we can be excellent at whatever it is that we learn about.
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And relationships, marriages, they all require certain skill.
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If love was enough, we wouldn't have such a high divorce rate or just breakup rate in general.
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You know, desiring to be an awesome basketball player is probably not going to be enough.
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And yeah, there are some people that, you know, either they didn't do enough and there are some cases where people just grow apart.
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I mean, we've all met that couple that just seems horrible together, but they just keep staying together and staying together.
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And they're only bragging right to their relationship is how long they've been together.
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And ideally, our bragging about, you know, our relationship is how awesome it makes us feel, how good it is for us and how others feel when they're around us.
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You know, what's really interesting is in 2005, I went to Iraq for, I was gone for 18 months and my wife and I had been married for, I believe, five months before I left.
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And when I got back, it was probably one of the hardest things that I've ever done.
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And my wife would attest to this too, to make our relationship work.
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And I know through all the trials that we went through when I got back, the effort that we put into it was well worth it.
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So how does a guy know when it's worth putting effort into something and maybe it's just time to cut the chain and let things go?
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You know, that's such a deeply personal answer that there's no cookie cutout answer to that.
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I mean, each person really has to navigate that for themselves.
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But I'm a strong believer that when things are rough, it doesn't mean that you give up.
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And if you're willing to put in, you know, at least a half a year of really hard times or even a year or two.
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I mean, I had a guy on my show who told me he was married for 27 years of hell.
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She was like the worst person and he hated his life because of her.
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And, you know, around the 27th year, he said this has to change.
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On the 28th year, he said he fell in love with her, was incredibly happy to be married with her.
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And now they've been together for well over 40 years.
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And while he was on my show, he was just like, she's one of the most beautiful, spectacular women that I could ever be with.
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So, you know, it's going to be a very, very personal answer.
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But I think that nowadays, a lot of people give up sooner than they should.
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So how did the gentleman who you had on your podcast, what changed?
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After 20, I think you said 27 years, all of a sudden he goes to the next year of loving this incredible woman.
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What changed in their life to make that happen?
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He was a really unique guest because on my show, I bring on experts who, you know, most of them have been married for a very long time.
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They write about, they talk about, they daydream about their whole life is dedicated to helping couples and helping couples have lasting love.
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And unlike the other guests that I've had on the show, his whole thing was it only takes one person to change to change a whole relationship.
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So my guests usually talk a lot about how we can communicate as a couple, you know, the give and take, what we can do, what they can do.
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And this dynamic of two, his whole thing was I really started focusing on what I did like about her.
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I started focusing on what was great about her and I started looking at me and what made me feel that this relationship was hell.
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And the things that I hated about her, I started looking at them in a different way.
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How do I learn how to be sensitive to that sensitivity?
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How do I learn how to open up and come close if she's really trying to force me to be more united in a relationship?
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If she wants to be more of a team and it used to feel like she was constantly dominating me or trying to tell me what to do,
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And so his whole thing was this relationship is for me a process of healing what I didn't get in childhood.
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And I'm going to start healing myself and not actually try to change a single thing about her.
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We've actually had quite a few guests that have talked about how if you change your truth or the way that you look at the world or the way that you're perceiving things,
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then your world begins to change for the better if you're willing to face the hard truths and think about how you want to address life and what you want to get out of it.
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So you talked about divorce and obviously, I don't know the statistics.
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You'd know them better than I do just because of your field of work.
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Why do we see that so much more than we did 10 years or 20 or 50 years ago?
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You know, my perspective on that is that we live in a faster paced culture.
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And so people are changing at a much more rapid rate.
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You know, my dad has had the same job for over 30 years and his parents kind of the same thing, but probably even longer.
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Also, our grounding and religion and old values aren't the same.
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You know, people can live in several states now.
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There's, you know, it's more okay nowadays to, you know, be polyamorous or to be kind of have this open type of relationship or to date multiple people at once.
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It's just a very different culture in regards to our perspective of what commitment means in being with one person.
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I also think that part of it is that humans are living longer than they ever have.
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So there isn't, there wasn't as much of an opportunity for people to get sick of each other.
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And then there was a culture around each other.
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There was a culture that kind of pushed you to stay together.
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And in the Latin culture, it's a big no-no to get divorced.
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You know, highly, highly entrenched in Catholicism.
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And with that, I've met many, many couples who come from a strong Catholic background who are incredibly unhappy.
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They're married to each other, but they see people outside of their relationship.
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But they're upholding the status of we're married and we go out as a couple.
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But later on during the week, we might go see somebody else or we don't enjoy being together.
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But then later on, we don't really spend time together.
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So I think what you're talking about has a lot to do with our attention span as well.
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Like our attention span seems to be a lot shorter than it's ever been.
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And I assume that's the same way when it comes to relationships.
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One of the things that I think is people just want to have excitement in their life,
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whether it's their relationships or their career or their hobbies, whatever it is they may be doing,
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Sometimes it's just not as exciting as being married to one woman or with one woman.
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How do you keep that flame alive and that going so that it doesn't stagnate or become stale or boring?
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One of the key things when I was working with only married couples and working only with married couples who had children,
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and I worked with over 200 couples in this time period,
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the number one thing that all of them told me that was a killer to their marriage was the daily grind,
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the daily routine, get up, go to work, take care of the kids, make their food, pick them up,
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do these tasks at work, come home, help my wife clean and cook and go to bed and do it all over again.
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And so the number one solution that everybody said was mix it up.
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But really, how do you mix it up when you have such a structured life and you have to maintain some sort of structure
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when you have so many obligations on a daily basis?
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One of the things that I discovered, and you're going to hear this across the board,
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it's nothing new, is creating a date night and putting it on the calendar and making it very, very important.
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So it's important for me to get up and go to work, and if I don't, I'll get fired.
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Well, if I don't do a date with my partner and keep that romance and that excitement,
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one of us is going to get fired or it's not going to work very well.
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So putting it on the calendar, and my first tip for people when it comes to date nights is make them very simple.
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We're going to meet it this day, and we're just going to go walk around the block
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We're going to bring some snack bars and juice, and we're going to have a conversation.
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I met a couple who had eight children, and they told me that every Sunday,
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every Sunday they would lock their doors to their room, and they would tell the kids,
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They really spoke to the older kids, and they said, you know, for the next couple hours,
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you are responsible for the household, you know, and we're going to lock the doors.
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And the only reason we're going to come out is if there's like a fire or something really, really important.
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And for them, you know, they told us they actually even scheduled their sex life
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You're going to be pretty damn tired by the end of the day, and maybe sex is not going to be a priority.
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So for them, Sunday mornings was the day that, you know, we're going to meet,
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we're going to be intimate, and this is going to be our date with the closed doors.
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The kids are on the other side, so we know that they're safe,
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and if we have to, we'll come out, but we're really going to try not to.
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Let's talk about the opposite of this because I think having structure, that's important,
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How can you be spontaneous when, you know, you're exhausted at the end of the day
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What are some things that you can do, and how do you become more spontaneous?
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I mean, you can make space for it because, you know, you can say we're going to go out
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Tuesday for these hours, but we're not certainly sure what we're going to do.
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I mean, you can still be open or you can tell your partner, you know,
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we're going to meet for this time, but I'm not going to tell you what it is.
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So that still would open her up for her to have a spontaneous experience.
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And I want to turn that question back on you is how do you do that?
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Well, I think, I think, you know, I honestly, for me, I don't have children.
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So a lot of my life is spontaneous and I work from home with my partner.
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So I have a lot of space for creativity and spontaneity in my relationship.
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Well, I think that we try to do the same thing.
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We've got three kids, you know, every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I'm coaching the boys'
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And fortunately, our youngest is not old enough to get into sports.
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I guess that's why I was answering the question or asking the question because, man, I get so
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consumed and we have our date nights and we plan those things out.
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But still, sometimes like I want to be exciting.
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I want to be spontaneous and I don't want to structure everything down to the second or
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I think one of the ways that you could do that is do try to find small ways to bring that
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So maybe on your way home from work or when you have a moment, go grab her like her favorite
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kind of candy and, you know, hide it under the pillow or something or write her a little
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So when she gets up in the morning, she sees that.
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So you could bring spontaneous ways of showing her affection and love.
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And we could think maybe what's her love language?
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Is it, you know, you know, the five love languages, right?
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So the five love languages, you know, one of them would be touch.
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One of them would be time talking to each other.
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I'm not going to give the names right, but the idea will be right here.
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So touch, quality time spent together, affirmations, positive words, quality of, gosh, gifts.
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This is, you know, the five love languages isn't like where I teach from.
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But I think it's important to think about what are some of the top ways that your partner
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And then specifically try to give that type of affection to your partner.
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So I can bring spontaneity to her if, you know, she's working or she's cooking.
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And I just come up and I give her a little kiss and I just whisper, I love you.
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And then, you know, let her do whatever she's doing.
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I think that would be a really awesome way for you to bring spontaneity.
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I don't want to sound cold at all here because I tend to be more of like, you know, very black
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And one of the things that I think about, so again, don't take this as being cold.
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But I think when you're talking with your significant other and you're using one of
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the love languages that they associate best with, it's a very efficient way.
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It's a very efficient way of showing your partner that you love them and you care about
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them because that's the most meaningful thing that you can do.
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That's the best use of your time in doing it the way that they respond best to you.
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There was a couple in my class and the wife says, my partner doesn't say that he loves
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And on Valentine's Day, more than anything, what I wanted was flowers and for him to hold
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That that would have been the most romantic thing.
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And then he, you know, he responded to the group and he said, you know, for Valentine's
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Day, what I did is the week leading up to Valentine's Day, I looked at her car.
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And for the whole week, every day when I came home, I worked several hours on her car.
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So come Valentine's Day, she had her car working perfectly.
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If anybody's, you know, done some big parts on their car, they know that.
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And for him in his mind, Jesus, wouldn't you love having someone work on your car and fix
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Well, you know, what's really interesting about that is one of the things I talk a lot
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about is communication and communication styles.
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And my thought is that if you're trying to communicate with somebody else and that somebody
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else doesn't understand what you're saying, it's not their fault.
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You're doing a bad job of communicating your message.
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And so I think that's what we're talking about here is that, yes, you may think that's the
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best thing to do, but if you're not communicating that in a way that she's responding to, that's
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You've got to figure out what she's going to respond best to.
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For some reason, it makes me think of this comedian saying, you know, I know my wife thinks
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And because she thinks about me so much on Christmas, I bought her all the things that
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So I got her a whole bunch of tools to work on the car.
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Well, OK, so I think part of this is has a lot to do with awareness and definitely the
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five love languages would probably be a book that it sounds like you would recommend going
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What are some other ways that men can become more aware of what their partner responds
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to and then how they're showing their affection or their love?
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You know, one of the things that a lot of that a lot of people have problems with when
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they think about professionals talking about their relationships is that most professionals
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or every professional is a human being and they're working on their relationship, but
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So I want to open it up a little bit about myself.
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And one of the transformations that I've been going and really answers your question is what's
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a way that I can communicate with my partner and give her a sense of I'm deeply present
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And during and I really want to hone in a time during conflict.
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And what usually happens is we get defensive or we're criticized.
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This is really the top two things that we do to avoid resolution.
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You know, my partner says, God, Luis, you're you're always messy or you you just blow up
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at me constantly and you don't listen to me, something like that.
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And I said, well, that's because you don't ask me or because you don't, you know, do whatever.
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And so I throw the problem back on her and what she's doing by the way that she's talking
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She's being critical of me instead of opening, helping open me up and, you know, being curious
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One of the things that I've really been going through.
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So the other day we were at a restaurant and she asked me if I could order some nachos
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So we had to stand at the bar and order some nachos.
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The food came and she was like, oh, my gosh, this food's like really expensive.
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And I felt a little bit frustrated, like, OK, I just ordered you nachos because you're
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I had to make my way through a crowd and order them for you.
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And so I felt a little bit irritated, like, OK, so now you want to eat all these nachos
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and then you want to order a plate of food and share it.
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I was like, fine, we'll just order just pick whatever you want.
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And then later I was asking her about what she wants to do with her business.
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I said, what do you want to do with your business?
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And she said, gosh, when you ask me that, it just feels like you're attacking me, you
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know, and I don't want to answer your question.
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So we're kind of just like getting upset with each other.
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And then I just, you know, I was like, I don't want to be fighting.
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And so what I said to her is I said, let's try a new way of dialoguing.
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And instead of me, you know, getting upset with you because you're getting angry at me
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because I'm asking a question that I'm genuinely curious about, I'm going to ask myself, why?
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What is it about me and the way that I'm handling myself when I ask you this question that would
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So I'm 100% responsible, not for her, but for my experience of her and my experience of the moment.
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And so I said to her, you know, I'm going to guess that you're probably responding in an angry way
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or feeling like I'm coming at you in an angry way when I ask you that question
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because I've been incredibly confused about what your business and where you want to take it.
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And that makes me very nervous because I don't get to do what I want to as a man,
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which is help you and help guide you and open up a world for you.
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And because I'm not getting the answer that I'm looking for, I'm irritated and I feel so incompetent.
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And yeah, I am asking you from a place of irritation and not from a place of,
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hey, tell me, I'm really curious and I'm not understanding.
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And so she said, you know, that's, that's different.
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And so she said, well, you know, I've been confused lately.
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So when you ask me that question, it upsets me because it triggers that part of me that
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There was nobody, there wasn't, nobody was triggering or pointing at each other.
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Instead, it was, what am I doing in my life and what thoughts and feelings am I holding
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in when I speak out to you that then is creating that you back to me?
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And this is so funny because it's a reoccurring trend.
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I think we're, we've done, I've done close to 15 to 20 interviews with successful men,
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you included, and this is a reoccurring trend that we've got to take responsibility as men
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for our own life, for our own decisions, for our own thoughts.
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And the moment we do that is when things become clear and become easier.
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I just think that a lot of times we think that if somebody doesn't like us or if somebody
00:24:31.740
has a problem with us, it's their problem and it doesn't, and when I say it's actually
00:24:37.160
not their problem, it's our problem, it's a hundred percent our problem.
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I don't mean that you really, maybe that person is kind of like someone you don't want
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to talk to, or maybe they are rude, but it's your problem in regards how you're going
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And if you're going to be in a relationship with that person, because there are times
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And if we have those moments with our partner, it's not their problem at all that they're having
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It is once we take it back on ourselves, I promise you, you will transform your relationship
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and bring a whole new level of presence that will make anybody really, honestly, anybody
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pretty much melt in your presence and want to be around you.
00:25:20.180
And one of the mistakes that I fall prey to every time is that when my wife wants to tell
00:25:27.360
me about a problem or a hard day or something that's going on with the kids.
00:25:35.560
What can I do to help you now with that problem?
00:25:40.440
I think all men understand that sometimes women just want to talk, I guess.
00:25:45.280
So what are some other mistakes that you see as being fairly common that guys are making
00:25:52.200
I had Dr. John Gray on my show and we talked about this and we talked about modern man, which
00:25:59.580
One of the first things I asked them is, how has the role of the modern man changed from
00:26:08.040
And back then it was a man's role to provide for the home and to take care of things.
00:26:13.920
You know, my grandfather, his role was pay the bills, work, and his wife's job was to take
00:26:21.600
care of the home and when I went in their home, I didn't see a lot of her talking to
00:26:27.400
him about their problems or about her feelings or even asking him for a whole lot.
00:26:34.320
You know, he was down in the basement doing man stuff and working on his projects, right,
00:26:40.740
Compared to with my dad, different generation, I've seen many moments where my dad would say,
00:26:54.700
And then now my generation where it is even more normal that men and women work, both of
00:27:00.440
them, and it's even becoming more normal that women can make a lot more money than men can.
00:27:10.360
And going back to my dad one more time, when my stepmom's mom died, my dad was kind of going
00:27:18.640
through a rough time because he really wanted to support and love his wife the best way
00:27:24.400
And he came to me and he said, Luis, you know, you study this stuff.
00:27:27.440
And I keep trying to listen to my wife and she gets upset sometimes.
00:27:34.660
And I said the exact I kind of went back to this thing.
00:27:40.360
So your nature is to try to frame things in a positive way to give her comforting words.
00:27:48.360
But I bet you the biggest thing that she wants is for you to actually hear her emotions and
00:27:53.880
then respond back to the feelings that you're hearing.
00:27:56.880
So if she's feeling really upset and flustered, don't try to give her solutions and don't
00:28:01.260
say, well, you know, don't worry about it, babe.
00:28:07.280
And his biggest shift was he started doing things like, wow, that sounds like you had a
00:28:14.720
And a week later, he called me and he said, Luis, it's been working really well.
00:28:19.220
She hasn't been getting upset when I'm listening and I'm noticing she's opening up more.
00:28:23.740
And she even said, wow, Ernie, I really like the way that you've been listening to me and
00:28:28.900
So I think the biggest thing is men that we can do is learn how to cue ourselves to listen
00:28:36.640
Women on a just generally speaking, speak on an emotional level.
00:28:42.740
And we want to pick out what emotion she's emoting.
00:28:46.080
And it doesn't matter if you think you're right or you're wrong as long as you try.
00:28:50.640
So if your partner is coming to you and says, God, I had an amazing day at work and things
00:28:55.560
are going so well and you think that she's exuding frustration, wow, it sounds like you
00:29:07.160
Then all you have to do is go, oh, wow, it sounds like you had an exciting day.
00:29:12.640
So it doesn't matter if you're wrong on the emotion.
00:29:16.100
What matters is that you're trying and do not try to fix the problem.
00:29:20.440
And that's usually one of the biggest problems men have when we are in a situation of having
00:29:27.580
How do you keep from so here's my I'm going to play devil's advocate if it's OK a little
00:29:34.160
So let's say my wife and I are having this conversation and she tells me about a problem
00:29:39.060
that she's having with one of the children and my knee jerk reaction because I'm a guy
00:29:43.280
and this is what I'm supposed to do as far as I know is to try to fix the problem.
00:29:47.900
How do I be OK with that knowing that my need is to fix something even though her need is
00:29:59.180
Like how do how do I I don't want to sound selfish, but how do I in that case get fulfilled
00:30:05.880
So at the at the end of the conversation, you still have this strong impulse as a man to
00:30:14.900
go and fix the problem and and you might not feel fully satisfied until you go fix the
00:30:21.980
My question, my my sense for that would be is that you would want to ask her, hey, babe,
00:30:27.600
you know, this is it seems like a really big issue and it's really frustrating you.
00:30:32.460
Start definitely with level one is just connecting to her and find out how she's feeling.
00:30:37.740
Really learn about the problem, because a lot of times what I found about women is most
00:30:42.680
of the time and just people in general, honestly, most people don't want you to solve the problem
00:30:46.660
for them and most people don't want you to give the solution.
00:30:50.600
Most people already know the solution and they know how to solve it.
00:30:54.100
So when people come to us, they're generally wanting to just kind of dump their problem on
00:30:58.380
us. And so the best thing we can do is try to really understand the issue and how they
00:31:04.480
feel about it. And once we notice that their body relaxes and they go, you know, you notice
00:31:10.820
this sense of, oh, my God, I feel so much better that I talked to you. But now you're the guy sitting
00:31:14.860
like, I got this problem. I need to go talk to the kids, you know, it's not that work isn't
00:31:20.100
working. I'm going to go talk to your coworker. Like whatever it is, we were kind of stuck with
00:31:24.260
it. At some point we might want to ask our partner, hey, you know, I heard you listen,
00:31:29.980
you know, I listened to you talk about this problem and I just feel this big impulse to
00:31:34.040
go solve it. I'm curious, is that something, do you want me to do something about it or
00:31:38.900
what were you thinking would be a good solution? And we know what we found with parenting, at
00:31:46.540
least when you're talking to kind of slightly older kids, is that if we can help our kids
00:31:50.620
come to their own solution, they're more likely to go about taking that plan of action.
00:31:57.520
And it's very much the same with our partner, is if we ask them, you know, what are you thinking
00:32:02.520
would work or did you want me to somehow participate in this? If we elicit that, then I
00:32:09.140
think as a male, then we're going to meet our need to resolve the problem because we're asking them
00:32:13.580
to give us what they want us to do or we're talking about it. And this is very idealized,
00:32:18.660
I know, because sometimes we're going to go off and we're stuck on this is the way we're
00:32:22.960
going to fix it. And that might happen sometimes. But in an idealized world, we might just ask
00:32:28.080
her, you know, what what are some ideas that you had around fixing this problem? Or were
00:32:33.020
you thinking that you wanted me to do something? I like that. I'm going to try that because I
00:32:37.620
can see how that would be a lot more advantageous than the traditional route that I typically
00:32:41.780
take. So what are some other mistakes outside of maybe trying to fix everything? Are there
00:32:47.600
some other mistakes that you see taking place quite a bit from the man's side? Anyways,
00:32:51.500
the biggest the biggest thing and I don't know how to capture it completely in words, but
00:32:58.100
if men can learn how to be present in their body, and just kind of moves, like, have the sense of like
00:33:05.720
slowing down your pace and really getting in your body. It's like when I go to the gym, I just feel
00:33:10.520
like, Oh, I feel strong. And I'm, I'm very I'm inhabiting my body. If that makes sense at all,
00:33:16.280
like my breath is deep, my posture is strong. And when we're kind of in that space, we're able to
00:33:23.760
take in a lot, we're able to listen to people, we're able to really be there for our partner and
00:33:31.540
be in our body. See, I'm not completely sure how to put this. It's just something that I've really
00:33:36.260
been getting in touch with is, how do I bring enough awareness into my body so that when I touch
00:33:41.980
my, my partner, or when I speak to her, I can kind of already feel what she's wanting or needing,
00:33:48.720
you know, because there is this thing about women that they kind of, they kind of want us to know
00:33:56.420
what they want. Right. And a lot of that really requires this kind of like strong male presence.
00:34:03.920
And the best way that I found that for men is do things that help you get inside your body so you
00:34:11.620
can really feel your body. You know, one of the things that I did with this couple is I had the
00:34:17.280
man just take some really deep breath. He just went, and then I had him look into his wife's eyes.
00:34:24.040
And this was a couple that had a lot of problems. They just pretty much could not
00:34:29.660
stop arguing. Their problem was they just fought constantly. And I said, let's stop the dialogue
00:34:36.720
completely. I don't want to talk about the issues. It's just way too much in your guys' heads. You
00:34:42.360
know, you guys fell in love and, and had children because you became two bodies and you weren't just
00:34:48.380
up in your heads thinking about she did this and I did that and blah, blah, blah. So let's just take
00:34:53.960
some deep breaths. Let's eye gaze and just look into your partner. And then what I had him do is I
00:34:59.380
said, I want you to follow your wife's breath, match hers. And he was just gazing into her eyes,
00:35:05.080
just matching her breath. And then I said, and now I want you to put your arms on her leg and just put
00:35:11.060
your hands on her legs and just feel her. And as you're putting your hands there and following her
00:35:17.060
breath, send her love. You love her and you care about her and just feel that in your body. And the
00:35:24.800
wife who just, she just was always like tense. I mean, she just looked like she was just ready to
00:35:29.840
fight constantly. You know what? And it, and it, women aren't fully in their feminine if that's the
00:35:36.660
way they're being. I mean, women, they're made to be, you know, relaxed. Everybody is. But when a woman
00:35:44.100
is when you see a woman relaxed and she feels comfortable, her shoulders drop, her gaze softens,
00:35:51.460
her eyes light up, you know, she has more access to her emotions. She can cry easily. She can laugh
00:35:58.220
faster. She can take care of you and love you. Her body is much more accessible. And in this process of
00:36:05.440
him doing this with her, she started crying, her shoulders dropped. She kind of slouched a little bit
00:36:10.340
and she just leaned forward and hugged him, you know, and they both came together with the sense
00:36:15.920
of mutualness, you know, but she became this like soft flower that wanted to be grabbed by him.
00:36:22.400
And I don't know how to explain how magical that was. I'm hoping that if you're listening to this,
00:36:28.380
you get how magical that was for this man to stop fighting with his wife and trying to prove her wrong
00:36:35.320
and for him to be right. And instead to help her become so soft that there wasn't a fight in her
00:36:41.680
and then he could hold her. And then he didn't have a damn thing to prove to her because he got her love.
00:36:48.340
Right. That's such a good story. Yeah, I can see how that would be very rewarding,
00:36:52.280
not only for them, but also for you and your role and what you do. So I want to talk about goals
00:36:57.240
because as a guy, I've got goals when it comes to my business. I've got goals when it comes to
00:37:04.120
finances. I've got goals when it comes to physical fitness. But one of the things that I have the
00:37:10.920
hardest time with and my wife and I do an annual retreat where we talk about goal setting and in
00:37:16.520
other every area of our lives. And I always have the hardest time when it comes to setting goals for
00:37:22.940
the relationship and what I want to accomplish. And so so how can we do that as guys? What are
00:37:29.780
some things that we should be focusing on on what we can improve and what some goals are in our
00:37:34.740
our relationships with our significant others? Hmm. I think the primary goal that we can have in our
00:37:43.120
relationship is making our partner feel safe, making our partner know that we are there for them,
00:37:51.580
that we love them, and that we care about them, and that we're not going to leave.
00:37:58.040
You know, one thing I've noticed is that as a woman gets closer to a man, you know, the kind of
00:38:02.860
traditional story is a man hunts for the woman, and then he gets her. But usually the education doesn't
00:38:10.220
really tell us that usually what tends to happen or what I've noticed is once a man has been praying
00:38:15.720
praying after a woman for a while, she generally comes in really hard, and she really wants the
00:38:22.260
relationship. This is the pattern I've noticed. And then men back out like, wait, you know, I don't
00:38:26.920
know. I'm not sure. You know, oh, marriage and kids. Oh, God, you know, like, I just wanted to catch
00:38:32.180
this prey, but now I don't know what to do with it. And that that goal changes. Now my goal is not to
00:38:37.660
chase after her so much. My goal is to make her feel safe, loved and adored and cared for, and that
00:38:43.700
she has value. And Ryan, you sound like you're really incredible at doing that, you know. And if
00:38:48.960
I was going to make a goal to make my relationship even stronger, one of the first goals that I start
00:38:55.920
with everybody, and if you're listening, I'm going to give you a gift to help you with this goal,
00:39:00.580
is updating the information of your partner's world. I see you guys have three kids. Both of you guys
00:39:06.920
work. So you guys change, obviously. But with so much going on, you're probably not consistently
00:39:13.580
up to date on what's going on with your partner. You know, the other day, I took my partner out to
00:39:20.020
a restaurant. And we ordered food. I ordered food without her knowing what I ordered for her.
00:39:27.680
And then it came and she said, you know, Luis, I actually don't like that dish anymore. And I said,
00:39:31.160
what do you mean? And she said, I don't know. I think they changed cooks here or something. But now
00:39:34.940
it's kind of gross. I don't like it. That was an opportunity I got to learn about her, right? And
00:39:41.280
the more we've been together, the more information that we've accumulated about our partner and
00:39:46.800
therefore also the more information that we probably haven't gone back and updated. Dr. John
00:39:51.760
Gottman from the University of Washington calls that love maps, love mapping. And a love map is the
00:39:57.440
internal world of your partner, their hopes, their dreams, their fears, everything about them.
00:40:01.800
And just like a city changes, the roadmap of our partner in their heart changes also. So we want
00:40:09.180
to update that information. So as a free gift to everybody who's listening, I want to give you
00:40:13.660
a list of questions that you can ask your partner so that you can update your information about them.
00:40:19.220
And what research has shown is that the more updated the information is in a relationship,
00:40:24.520
the happier the couple is, the better they are at problem solving,
00:40:27.820
and the more likely they're going to stay together for a really long time.
00:40:32.220
And I'm really glad that you brought it up too, because especially the emotional aspect,
00:40:36.060
and you talk about protecting, and that's what we feel our masculine role is. And I certainly agree
00:40:42.160
that's the case. But sometimes we don't really think about the protection from an emotional standpoint,
00:40:48.600
like how do I emotionally protect this woman versus just physically protecting, right?
00:40:52.900
And so I'm really glad that you brought that up. And there's been so much information. This interview
00:40:58.140
is like, it's been better for me, I think, than anybody listening. Like it's been so valuable for
00:41:02.560
me, I can see how I'm going to walk away. And I appreciate that, that free gift. I'm definitely
00:41:06.140
going to check that out. I encourage anybody who's listening to check that out as well.
00:41:10.300
So Luis, if there's guys listening that want to learn more about what it is that you're doing,
00:41:15.200
and how can they connect with you? How can they reach out to you?
00:41:19.560
Definitely. For any men who are listening, you can, men or women, for anybody who's listening,
00:41:24.600
you're welcome to go to lastingloveconnection.com. And you can find out about my podcast where I've
00:41:31.160
had some amazing guests. I'm starting a whole new lineup now where I'm going to have couples.
00:41:36.500
I would love it if you and your wife would come on the show, Ryan, and I'm interviewing couples about
00:41:40.840
the success and what's going on in their relationships so people can learn from couples.
00:41:45.480
I'm also having experts come on the show so that they can talk about their research,
00:41:49.200
their books, their work, and what they do, as well as some stuff that comes straight from me.
00:41:54.080
So you're welcome to go there. You can read about me on the about page,
00:41:57.360
and you can also go to the services if it's something that you desire to hire and work with me.
00:42:02.160
And you can also find me on Facebook and just send me a little message. I'd love to know what's
00:42:05.920
going on in your life. Awesome. Thank you so much for sharing all of that information,
00:42:10.140
and thanks for taking time out of your day to be on the show. I appreciate it.
00:42:13.140
Thank you, Ryan. It's been a blast, and thank you all of you who have been listening. Thank you so
00:42:17.020
much for spending some time with us. There you have it, guys. How you can be more successful
00:42:21.860
in your relationships with your spouse or your significant other. As I mentioned during the
00:42:25.980
interview, I think this episode was more for me than anyone else, and I walked away with a ton
00:42:30.820
of insight that I know will help me and my relationship with my wife. I hope it helps you as well.
00:42:35.540
Again, be sure to check out the show notes if you need to and the links for this podcast at
00:42:39.540
orderofman.com slash 009. Next week, I've got an interview lined up that I am so excited about.
00:42:46.180
I don't want to ruin the surprise, but let's just say the conversation could get a little hairy.
00:42:51.760
Do not miss that episode by subscribing to the show at orderofman.com slash iTunes. And while you're
00:42:59.020
there, if you would rally around the show, please leave us a rating or review. Thanks again for being here
00:43:03.600
today, and I will look forward to being with you here next week. Thank you for listening to the
00:43:08.500
Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant
00:43:13.520
to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.