Order of Man - OoM 025： Becoming the Dad Your Kids Need You To Be With Larry Hagner

00:00:00.000 If you're a father, being a good dad is something you strive to be, but when reality hits, we as men find it more difficult than we thought it would be.

00:00:06.620 You have clear and ambitious goals for your business, your finances, and your health, but can the same thing be said about your goals for fatherhood?

00:00:13.020 Today, my guest shares how to develop these skills to become a good father, emotionally connect with our children, and how you can finally create and achieve successful goals for your family.

00:00:22.220 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:27.800 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time. You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:37.580 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:41.780 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:48.080 Men, welcome back to Date of the Order of Man podcast. My name is Ryan Mickler. I am the founder of Order of Man. So glad that you're here with me today.

00:00:54.760 First of all, you've got to forgive me for my voice. I'm just getting over a bit of a cold, but I am feeling better now.

00:01:00.900 I hope that you enjoyed your long Labor Day weekend, and you had as much fun as I did.

00:01:05.040 You're probably back into it now, and I'm glad that you're tuning in with me as you get back into your week.

00:01:09.940 Today, we're going to be having a great conversation about fatherhood.

00:01:13.100 I know that it's a topic on the minds of all dads and future dads that are listening in.

00:01:17.860 We just want to be the best fathers we can be, right?

00:01:19.800 But sometimes we find it difficult when life and reality hits.

00:01:24.020 Now, before we get too much further into the episode, I do want to say thank you to those of you who left reviews last week.

00:01:29.000 It does mean a ton to me. I take each one of those as a compliment because I know that you took your time out of your day to do it.

00:01:35.920 If you want to connect with me and join in the manly conversations that we're having,

00:01:41.040 you can connect with me on just about any social media platform out there that you would like.

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00:01:48.680 But this week, I want to encourage you to connect with us on our Facebook group, not to be confused with our Facebook page.

00:01:54.800 You can go to facebook.com slash groups slash order of man.

00:01:58.560 We're about 150 strong right now, and we are having some great conversations about all things manly.

00:02:04.380 Again, just head to facebook.com slash groups slash order of man, or better yet,

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00:02:15.760 All right, as always, show notes for this show are available at order of man dot com slash zero to five.

00:02:21.340 Lots of insights today about fatherhood and being a good dad.

00:02:24.800 Let's get started.

00:02:26.100 My guest today is Larry Hagner.

00:02:28.580 Now, he's an author. He's a speaker, a coach, a podcaster.

00:02:32.160 He's also the founder of The Good Dad Project.

00:02:35.400 I love what he's doing with his brand and his message.

00:02:37.840 The Good Dad Project is dedicated to helping men become the best versions of themselves

00:02:42.220 so they can show up big time for their kids.

00:02:45.200 Our stories, Larry's and I, are very similar.

00:02:48.200 He actually grew up in a fatherless environment for most of his life,

00:02:51.200 and when he became a father himself, which was nine years ago, he had no idea what to do.

00:02:56.320 I'm sure a lot of us are in that boat as well.

00:02:58.500 He just knew he didn't want to fail, so he dove into self-improvement.

00:03:01.740 He worked with coaches and mentors, and then he created The Good Dad Project

00:03:04.940 to help other men with some of those same struggles.

00:03:08.020 He also recently published a book called The Dad's Edge, Nine Simple Ways to Unlimited Patience,

00:03:13.340 Improve Relationships, and Positive, Lasting Memories, and he created an online course called

00:03:18.340 The Dad's Edge, Six Simple Strategies to Empowering Your Journey as a Dad.

00:03:22.940 And we're going to talk about those couple of things and more today.

00:03:26.600 Larry, thanks for joining us on the show today.

00:03:28.100 Glad you're here, brother.

00:03:29.040 Ryan, what's up, man? How are you doing?

00:03:31.360 I'm good. I'm excited to finish our conversation.

00:03:33.820 I was on your show last week, and you're on my show this week, and I'm looking forward

00:03:37.920 to part two of our conversation that we had.

00:03:40.800 Same here. I mean, obviously, when I came across your podcast and your background, I mean, dude,

00:03:45.800 it is just scary how similar your background and my background is. I felt like I was listening

00:03:51.780 to my own story when I was listening to your podcast originally. So yeah, it's awesome to

00:03:55.800 be on your show.

00:03:56.960 And it's cool. We talked a lot about action and what we can do to be better men, in your case,

00:04:01.560 a better father more specifically. And yeah, it's cool to have somebody else who has a similar

00:04:07.540 background that's able to use that background or the hardships and the trials that they've

00:04:11.820 gone through and then make something successful of it. So why don't you tell me a little bit

00:04:16.600 about what your mission is and maybe even include some of that backstory into how and why you got

00:04:21.760 to where you are today?

00:04:23.220 Sure. So, I mean, my backstory is actually kind of like yours. So I'll just start there and just

00:04:27.540 kind of move forward. So my parents were married. My biological father were married. I was born and

00:04:33.280 right when I was about probably nine months old, my parents got a divorce. So my biological father

00:04:38.720 and mother were divorced. They parted ways. It was a really bad situation. I actually never saw him,

00:04:44.800 never saw him at all. And it wasn't until I was four that my mom actually got remarried to

00:04:51.600 my stepfather who, you know, kind of like your story, actually. He was a bit of a heavy drinker,

00:04:57.860 kind of abusive. And it was just, it was a very negative, it was a negative experience.

00:05:03.760 They got divorced when I was 10. And then at 12 years old, I kind of got a little surprise. I ran

00:05:08.540 into my biological father. So I actually got to meet him face to face for the first time when I was 12,

00:05:13.600 which was pretty surreal. Yeah. And that relationship lasted just very, very briefly. I think

00:05:19.060 there were some things going on between, you know, it was kind of confrontational, I think,

00:05:23.900 with he and my mom. And it caused a lot of stress. And he and I basically parted ways. My mom went

00:05:28.940 through several marriages and relationships after that. And literally every single one of them,

00:05:32.640 not one of them was really a positive one. And so kind of like you, I had just a very negative

00:05:37.900 experience with father figures growing up. And then when I was 30, two things happened. Number one,

00:05:44.880 I had my first son when this was nine years ago. So I have a nine year old, he's my oldest,

00:05:50.260 and I ran into my biological father again. Oh, wow. This time it had been 20, you know,

00:05:55.440 about 20 years. So I'm happy to say that this actually has a happy ending. He and I do have a

00:05:59.940 good relationship. It's not a, I wouldn't say it's a father son relationship, but it's more of a

00:06:04.780 friendship. But we do see each other quite a bit, I would say like, you know, every couple of weeks

00:06:09.020 or so, but we've got a good relationship and worked out well. But really that kind of,

00:06:12.720 that is what really started my mission with the Good Dad Project. So it, you know, kind of like

00:06:16.880 your story, I didn't know what to do when I first became a father. In fact, you know, whole humbly,

00:06:22.660 like I feel like in the very beginning of, of my journeys of father, I was, I was kind of a jerk, 0.96

00:06:27.320 you know what I mean? I don't, I wasn't mean, I wasn't abusive, you know, I was loving, but I don't 0.81

00:06:31.700 think I was a hundred percent engaged. And I think it was because I didn't know how I didn't have the

00:06:35.820 skill set. So about three years ago, I decided to start a Facebook page called the Good Dad Project.

00:06:42.620 And I just wanted something out there publicly to keep me accountable and what that is. So I did

00:06:48.580 posts, I would do daily posts, I would do daily, I would look up daily inspirational quotes, you know,

00:06:54.080 fatherly quotes, just something to keep me like really, really grounded and keep me focused on

00:06:59.720 that mission of being a good father. And the more I posted and the more research I did and the more

00:07:05.000 books I read and the more self, I kind of geek out when it comes to, you know, self-development and

00:07:10.180 better improvement of yourself. And so I learned a lot in that year. And then the Facebook got a

00:07:15.940 huge following and then I ended up starting a website. I wrote my first ebook. I just finished

00:07:21.360 my, like a huge book, not huge as in lengthy, but you know, my first big book, it's called the

00:07:27.000 really important. Yeah. Yeah. It's called the dad's edge and it's got nine strategies in it to be a

00:07:30.940 better father. And it's really turned into this huge mission. I also do speaking events for fathers.

00:07:36.560 I also do speaking events for mothers as well. It's usually local. It's usually churches that hire

00:07:41.220 me to do that. But it's really based on my book and the nine strategies in the book to just be a

00:07:46.720 better father. But that's literally like everything in a nutshell for you of where I came from and why

00:07:51.940 I'm doing what I'm doing. How did you take a hardship in your life? And I know, again, we've had a

00:07:57.980 little bit of conversation about this, but take that hardship in life of not growing up without a

00:08:01.520 permanent father figure in your life and then be able to transition into being a good father.

00:08:07.680 Like, was there mentors in your life? Was there other men that you were looking up to? How did you

00:08:11.560 develop the skill set that you said you never really had as an example? I would say the mentorship came

00:08:16.380 later on. But I think what I mean, the desire really came from, you know, in my head, I was always

00:08:22.020 like, OK, I know I don't want to give my kids what I got because that was awful. And I know I want to be

00:08:27.820 better. So how do I do that? And like I said, it was a lot of a lot of reading books, a lot of

00:08:33.460 research on the Internet, a lot of interaction with dads. I mean, every time I do a speaking

00:08:37.480 event, not only do I get to teach, but I get to learn from these guys who have been dads much

00:08:41.340 longer than me. So and then now, yes, absolutely. I've got several mentors, you know, strong circle

00:08:49.220 of friends that all have the same mission. So it's surrounding yourself with very positive

00:08:53.060 people who who all have the same mission. How do you become aware? Because I think a lot of the

00:08:59.220 times we just think we're doing a good job, but very rarely are we willing to take a solid look at

00:09:04.140 how we're handling our responsibilities as businessmen or fathers or husbands. How does a

00:09:09.920 guy become aware of or judge or get a barometer of really where he is and how he's doing as a dad?

00:09:16.240 I mean, I think there's one thing in particular, and this is one of the things I teach at the

00:09:19.860 at my workshops. And that's and that's be proactive in your approach. So in other words,

00:09:25.680 like, I mean, you know what it's like. I mean, if you have a job interview or if you were an athlete

00:09:29.980 growing up, you know, what did you do before every game? You know, you mentally prepped,

00:09:34.560 you know, if you have a huge job interview before you go into that interview, you mentally prep.

00:09:38.980 Same thing with like if you're doing a huge presentation to a customer or to a boss,

00:09:42.640 you prep. So being proactive, I mean, I think if you if you look at the barometer of,

00:09:49.560 hey, how am I doing? In some cases, you might kind of be too late. But if you if you prep

00:09:55.120 beforehand before situations, then I'll give you an example. Like, for instance, let's just say I

00:10:00.220 have a challenging day at work and I know I'm not in the best mood and I could easily, you know,

00:10:05.620 I could easily my barometer would be much lower if I took my stress and all that stuff out of my kids,

00:10:10.660 which is something that all dads do. We're so good. All of us do that. And a lot of times you

00:10:15.360 just have to break that cycle and just be proactive and say, you know what? I had a horrible day, but

00:10:19.760 my family is not going to pay for it. And here's what I'm going to do. And here is how I'm going to

00:10:24.140 bring happiness, you know, affection, emotional support tonight. And I'm going to be 100 percent

00:10:30.060 there no matter what my day look like. And here's how I'm going to do it. So it's almost like that

00:10:33.840 athletic prep. I mean, it might be more the athlete and athlete me that that that thinks that way,

00:10:39.460 but it's worked and it's worked wonders for, you know, a lot of the men I've worked with as well.

00:10:43.900 So what are some of the things that you personally do to prepare or to bring? I know for me,

00:10:49.400 I get really distracted. I have a tendency to do that, especially when I get home after a long day.

00:10:54.120 I have a difficult time turning work off. I know a lot of guys are in that same position.

00:10:58.900 Are there some activities that you personally do that are very specific that helps you tune out work

00:11:03.820 or other distractions and focus on your family? Yeah. So there's actually an entire chapter in

00:11:08.840 my book on this. And then when I when I speak at these workshops, I have an entire section that I go

00:11:13.480 over. So I'll give you an example. So let's just say I have, you know, a bad day at work. You know,

00:11:18.960 my my mentality is low. I'm feeling pretty terrible. My patience, I know, is completely worn thin,

00:11:25.100 right, basically in a super pissed off mood. And I'm going to I'm going to bring that with me to my

00:11:29.000 kids unless I do something to break the cycle. So one of the things that I do and it's worked

00:11:33.340 wonders is I will turn on something very positive on my way home from work, like either an audio

00:11:38.180 book, a podcast, some some music that I really like. That's something that's going to break that

00:11:44.420 mental cycle and get me into a different state. The other thing that I do is, you know, I make sure

00:11:50.960 that I kind of play out exactly how I'm going to greet my family. So even if I'm in like a pissed

00:11:57.040 off mood or whatever, if I come in and I'm like, what's up, everybody? And I'm like, I high five

00:12:02.160 people. I'll throw my kid over, you know, my shoulder, spin them around. Even if I'm pissed

00:12:06.900 off, you know, they'll start to laugh. I'll start to laugh. My wife starts to laugh. So that completely

00:12:12.060 changes the atmosphere. And there's something to be said about momentum. When you start your evening

00:12:16.420 off like that, usually it's going to continue to go in that that direction. So it's literally

00:12:20.720 breaking the pattern of that mental, you know, I have no patience. I'm pissed off. I don't like

00:12:25.360 life today to doing something different. And a lot of times that comes from the outside

00:12:29.800 in. You also mentioned distraction. Man, I will tell you, I am probably I have like an

00:12:38.100 addiction to my cell phone and it's absolutely horrible. I mean, yeah, we all do. Yeah. I

00:12:43.700 mean, it's it's like almost an epidemic. And I feel like I'm probably one of the worst people

00:12:47.200 out there. So when I have myself, especially when it's work related, when I have my cell phone

00:12:52.080 and I hear it go off, I feel so compelled to go see what I what do I need to go take

00:12:57.760 care of? I think that's how we as men are wired. Like I have to go out. I have to take

00:13:01.460 care of this. Right. I have to do something, fix something. Right. Exactly. So what I do

00:13:06.080 is I go to the extreme sometimes where I know I don't have control. It's kind of like an alcoholic.

00:13:12.440 You know, if you're an alcoholic, you don't want to have alcohol in the house. So what I do

00:13:15.360 is I will turn my cell phone off and leave it out in my car. Good idea. Yeah. And that way

00:13:20.100 it's out of sight, out of mind. I'm not tempted to pick it up. And I got to tell you, if you

00:13:24.760 when you start doing that, it's it's difficult at first. But after a while, it becomes more

00:13:29.400 of a more of a relief because, you know, that there's this block of time like, you

00:13:34.360 know, there's no from five to eight o'clock at night. There's no screen time in my house.

00:13:39.020 Right. Yeah. That makes sense. It's been valuable for me as I've done that, too.

00:13:42.100 Yeah. The other thing that I've done that's worked really well is like have a plan or an

00:13:47.080 activity that I'm I'm going to do when I get home, because if I if I think about it,

00:13:50.580 like when I get into work, I've got a really clear idea of what I need to accomplish that

00:13:54.820 day. But when I get home, my thought is, OK, I want to be a good husband or I want to

00:13:59.920 be a good dad. But that's so general that it doesn't really allow you to do things that

00:14:04.300 are specific to helping you accomplish that goal. Right.

00:14:07.180 And so I know as we have plans to have an activity and that activity doesn't mean you need

00:14:12.800 to go out and spend a bunch of money. It could just mean, hey, I'm going to take a half an

00:14:16.860 hour and play catch with each one of my boys and my daughter and I are going to build Legos

00:14:21.520 or whatever. You know what I mean? That's been helpful for me, too.

00:14:24.220 Right. The other thing I was going to mention is on the podcast, one of the traps I fall into

00:14:29.940 because you talked about listening to music or uplifting something podcast on the way home.

00:14:34.440 Just make sure it's not a business podcast. That's what I fall into is I turn on a podcast

00:14:38.940 and it's a business podcast and then my wheels are turning when I walk in the door. So just

00:14:43.020 wanted to put that disclaimer out there. No, I think you're right. I mean, because you kind

00:14:47.100 of want to break that that whole business mentality, you know, that that we're so I mean,

00:14:52.620 and we as men were so wired up for that. You want to almost get more into a bit of on more

00:14:59.040 of the emotional side, you know, to where you can you can kind of hone in on that area of your

00:15:04.100 life a little bit more because that way you're going to be more emotionally available to the

00:15:07.300 kids when you get home. Right. I literally had a friend who when he would get home, he

00:15:12.560 would literally hang from a branch in his tree in his front yard before he walked in the door.

00:15:19.720 And so I asked him why he did that. He says he's hanging his troubles up at the door.

00:15:23.920 And so he would literally do that as a way. Like you said, just break the pattern, break

00:15:28.300 the cycle of work to now I'm in family mode. Yeah, man, I love that. I might have to steal

00:15:34.580 that. But, you know, we we live in a newer neighborhood and a lot of our trees are little.

00:15:38.820 So I might just take like a whole tree down like by accident.

00:15:42.100 It could be funny. Jump on there and all of a sudden just snap. Right. Right.

00:15:47.040 So I know one of the traps that I fall into is goal setting. For me, I've got some really

00:15:52.520 ambitious goals with my businesses. I've got ambitious financial and physical goals and

00:15:56.580 even spiritual goals. But like I said before, I kind of fail when it comes to creating solid,

00:16:04.220 actionable goals for being a better dad and husband. Are there some goals that you are

00:16:09.480 comfortable sharing with us or give us some insight into how we can create solid goals for

00:16:13.600 our families? Yeah, absolutely. I'll kind of give you I mean, we as men, we kind of it's

00:16:19.660 more like here's the challenges. Right. And here's some things that we can do. But for men,

00:16:24.880 what we need is like very specific action steps like, hey, give me the map, you know,

00:16:29.720 give me give me the map of what I need to do. Like, what does this look like? I know I want to

00:16:33.380 be better. But but what's missing for me is the how, you know, how do I get from A to B? So

00:16:38.120 in my book and I have an online course as well called The Dad's Edge. So I break it down of what

00:16:45.100 you can do literally on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis. So like, for instance, I'll give you an

00:16:49.820 example. One of the sections in my book is, you know, three ways to effectively and emotionally

00:16:54.760 connect with your kids. And a lot of times we as dads like that's a goal. It's kind of like you

00:16:58.860 have a business goal. Like, hey, I want to go do such and such. That's a business goal for me.

00:17:03.160 But a lot of men are like, yes, of course, I want to connect more with my kids. I just like,

00:17:07.260 what does that look like, though? So like, for instance, if you want to connect more with your

00:17:11.500 kids on a daily basis, one of the things that I like to do that I've heard a lot of other dads do is

00:17:16.640 they take 10 minutes before bed and they will have a one-on-one conversation with each child

00:17:24.500 about their day. What does that really look like? What that looks like is they ask open-ended

00:17:29.860 questions. So not just like, so was school good today? Yes or no? I mean, that's so easy to do.

00:17:36.480 But if you ask, you know, what was your favorite part about school today and why? That conversation

00:17:41.700 becomes much, much different. Or like, what was the most challenging parts of your day and why?

00:17:45.600 What you'll find in that 10 minutes with that child when you ask, you know, three to five

00:17:50.740 open-ended questions is common ground and connection. So that's what you can do on a

00:17:56.780 daily basis. And that's just one suggestion. What you can do on a weekly basis is something that I

00:18:01.780 know that you actually do, Ryan, which is it sounds like you probably take, you know, maybe whether it's

00:18:07.580 an hour or maybe it's a weekend or a full day and you spend time with your kids. And that means,

00:18:13.080 hey, let's give mom a break and let's you and I go do this activity or me and all of us go do this

00:18:19.320 activity. So choosing a day, like look at your calendar, pick a day out in the week where you

00:18:25.180 can spend anywhere from 60 minutes to four hours doing something just time with one-on-one with

00:18:31.180 dad. And now what you've done is you've taken a daily connection where you're verbally talking

00:18:35.440 and now you do a weekly connection where you're experiencing something together. And whatever that,

00:18:39.560 it doesn't have to be anything extreme or it can be whatever you want it to be. I know like you,

00:18:44.100 for instance, like camping, your kids are going to forever remember going camping with their dad.

00:18:48.800 They just will, you know, and you're creating those positive memories. One other suggestion was,

00:18:54.720 so if you want to take that to the next level is yearly. I mean, you've got three kids, I've got

00:18:58.800 three kids. One of the things that I've done over the past three years is I've taken each one of my

00:19:03.580 kids on a one-on-one trip every year. And the rules for that is, it has to be 24 to 48 hours.

00:19:09.900 It's just me and one of the kids. And that's cool. It's great. I mean, and that way that child,

00:19:15.380 number one, is going to be very, very different with you one-on-one versus them when they're with

00:19:20.100 their siblings. But number two, as they get older, that's just going to be something that you and

00:19:24.920 that one child always has. So it's right. It's awesome. I can't recommend that enough. It's just,

00:19:30.580 it's so fantastic. I've done it three times now with each of my boys and it's the best trips I've

00:19:36.260 ever been on. That's awesome. I love that idea. I think I'm going to implement that for sure.

00:19:40.060 Thank you. And I like what you said about having conversations with kids. It's incredible to me

00:19:45.360 how well a five-year-old or a six or a seven-year-old and it can actually carry on a

00:19:49.440 conversation. I actually had my oldest, my seven-year-old on my podcast and it was so fun.

00:19:55.080 And we had a conversation for about 20 minutes on what it means to be a man. And he's a rock star,

00:20:00.160 man. He held that conversation well. He said some funny stuff. And, uh, it's always impressive to

00:20:05.780 me if you just let kids talk because they do, they have their own thoughts and they have their

00:20:10.060 own opinions and they have their own ideas. If you just let them, uh, and in a way just be a

00:20:14.820 catalyst or an outlet for them to express those ideas, I think is so important.

00:20:18.180 I totally agree. And you'll, you'll be shocked sometimes. I mean, as, as we all know, I mean,

00:20:22.860 you know, you, you ask an open-ended question to a kid and really dive into how their mind works

00:20:28.380 and what's clicking. I mean, it's, it's pretty extraordinary what comes out a lot of times.

00:20:33.580 Yeah. I actually asked my son on the podcast where I needed to improve what I needed to work on.

00:20:39.260 And he said, he, he brought it back to one experience where I got really frustrated and

00:20:44.800 threw a wheelbarrow and a shovel across the yard because they were messing with everything. And he

00:20:49.520 says, dad, you need to stop throwing sissy fits. He said, Oh my gosh, that's hilarious. 0.99

00:20:54.120 That is good, man. Calling you out on the carpet. You gotta love that.

00:20:58.180 Oh, he was for sure. Yeah.

00:20:59.520 Oh, that's good.

00:21:00.080 So I've got a question about boundaries because when I'm home, maybe I'm working or even recording

00:21:06.240 this show. Are there some things that you do personally to establish and set some boundaries

00:21:12.500 when you have to do something? Maybe it's, you need to spend some alone time with your wife,

00:21:17.020 or maybe it's that you happen to have to answer a couple of emails at home.

00:21:20.720 And how do you create the atmosphere of like, okay, here's when I can do stuff and be fully

00:21:25.860 present. And then here's when I'm not available guys.

00:21:28.540 Oh my gosh. So you want to hear an ironic story?

00:21:31.980 I do.

00:21:33.800 So of course, you know, my site, my blog, all that good stuff, it's called the good dad project,

00:21:38.580 right?

00:21:39.160 Right.

00:21:39.460 So, you know, it does, you know, show notes, podcasting, writing a book, responding to emails.

00:21:44.500 It all, it all takes some time and you have to be very strategic with that time. And yes,

00:21:49.740 you do have to create some boundaries, but I had to like, laugh at myself. I was trying to finish up

00:21:53.600 my book here recently and I just decided on like the design and, and all that. So I, I kind of got

00:21:59.640 in the past couple of weeks, I kind of fell back into some of those bad habits of like,

00:22:03.540 I did bring my phone in because I was like, I had a timeframe of when I could decide on like the

00:22:08.120 design of my book and all that. So I'm on my phone and, and you know, my seven year old is like,

00:22:13.680 dad, dad, dad, like, what are you, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm, I'm looking at my book

00:22:20.100 cover. He's like the book cover on how to be a good dad. And I'm like, yeah. And I got like frustrated

00:22:24.500 and then I just kind of like scratched my head and I'm like, what am I doing? Like, this is so

00:22:28.520 ironic. Like I'm buried into my phone. My seven year old wants me. I'm looking at a book cover of how to

00:22:34.420 be a better father. And here I am being like, not so great. Right. Right. Right. So what I've done

00:22:40.100 is you have to be, if you have a full-time job like I do, and you're doing something on the side

00:22:44.640 like this, like I do, you have to be very, very strategic with your time because a lot of times

00:22:49.280 you can get distracted. So what I usually tell my kids is like, Hey, you know, just, and I work out

00:22:53.820 of the house just cause dad's home, like between the hours of like nine and five, you know, those are,

00:22:59.700 those are daddy's work hours. It's almost like, you know, if I was away, but here's what I am going to

00:23:04.440 do. Like from the hours of, you know, six to seven, keep in mind, Hey, we've got this to do

00:23:10.180 tonight or we're going to have baseball practice or we're going to, we're going to go outside or

00:23:13.900 we're going to, we're going to play a game. So I always make sure like, Hey, at this time, like I,

00:23:17.960 I might not be able to play with you now or, or give a lot of attention that you need right now,

00:23:22.480 but keep in mind tonight, we're going to be doing this. So I think that kind of helps create the

00:23:28.120 boundaries because if I had more of a corporate job, I'd be out of the house anyway, and I wouldn't be

00:23:33.960 here. So a lot of times I just have to remind them of like, Hey, I'm not available right now,

00:23:37.260 but I, but remember I will be at this point because, and we're going to do something,

00:23:41.120 you know, that we're both going to enjoy. Yeah, that makes sense. And I think too,

00:23:46.160 and this probably is along the lines of what you're saying is, and definitely back to the

00:23:49.960 conversations. I think if you explain to your kids and you help them understand what's really

00:23:54.760 going on, I think we're so quick to jump to because I'm the parent and I said so, and that's why it is

00:23:58.740 rather than, Hey guys, I'm at work right now and I'm able to work at home and do these things.

00:24:05.380 If I can have this time to focus on this. So one of the things I do is I actually just put a big

00:24:09.720 recording sign on my door, um, which is in the basement. So they know, they see that because I

00:24:14.980 talked to him and I say, Hey guys, it's gotta be extra quiet. So people that are listening can

00:24:18.440 really get value from this. And I explained that to him and they totally get it. And then when that's

00:24:23.200 off, then they know, Hey, if they need to come in or there's an emergency, they can certainly do that.

00:24:26.660 So, man, that's awesome because kids are so visual anyway. And if you do that, I'm totally

00:24:32.140 stealing that idea. I love it. This is going to be just as good for us as it is for anybody

00:24:36.660 listening today, right? Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, that's what I'm saying. Like anytime I get,

00:24:40.280 I get to have an interaction, I mean, like I don't, I don't call myself an expert father by any man,

00:24:44.920 by any means. I mean, I just try to just be a constant student of it and it's interactions like

00:24:50.500 my workshops and podcasting and, and being a guest on, on your, it's like, man, I just took that gold

00:24:56.060 nugget. I'm going to use that. So it's, it's awesome. So what are some things that you think

00:25:00.560 guys, men are just naturally inclined to be good at when it comes to being a father? And how do we

00:25:06.280 magnify those traits that we're, we're gifted with? I think one of the things that men have,

00:25:11.700 that men are good at is we are really good with intention. Uh, for the most part, I think a lot of

00:25:17.980 men really have the desire to, to be a more present, more emotionally supportive, more affectionate

00:25:25.720 father than literally I think ever before. Um, we've kind of stepped out of that more like I'm just a

00:25:31.700 provider and that's it to, I not only want to be a provider, I want to have connection. I want to have,

00:25:38.300 uh, lasting memories. I want to have, you know, these positive experiences with my kids. Um, I mean,

00:25:44.520 I think one of the things that, that we have done with this generation is we've done that part so 0.63

00:25:50.180 much better than maybe the generation before us. And not that there was anything wrong with the

00:25:55.000 generation before us whatsoever. I mean, but they had more of the stereotypical role of being the

00:26:00.100 provider. And I think we've just kind of stepped out of that a little bit more with this generation.

00:26:04.860 We're like, yeah, we're, we're a provider, but we want these things as well. Like if you want,

00:26:10.180 if we got a second, I'll give you an example of how this has actually been statistically proven.

00:26:13.580 Yeah, absolutely. Go for it. So, um, in 1965, there was actually a study done

00:26:19.060 of how much time dads spent with their kids and families. And the study was conducted in actually

00:26:25.400 2010. So they took a poll of, you know, men who grew up in that area and, and the amount of time

00:26:30.340 that was spent with their family was two and a half hours. They redid that study in 2010 and the

00:26:36.100 average length of time was 7.8 hours. So it actually, it actually tripled, you know, over time.

00:26:42.560 Now here's the really cool part. They've re-polled all those men in 2010 and they asked all of them,

00:26:48.600 Hey, do you think you spent enough time with your kids or did you want more? And 48% of them said,

00:26:53.180 so almost half of them said that they didn't feel they spent enough time and they wanted more time.

00:26:57.660 So that desire has been actually statistically proven.

00:27:00.580 No, that makes sense. I know that that's a big part of, of what I want to do and what I want to be.

00:27:04.960 You talked about connection and emotionally connecting with kids. How do you suggest that

00:27:11.520 somebody connect with their children that maybe they've come out of connection or they haven't been

00:27:18.820 as close to their children as they like, and they want to rekindle that emotional support and connection

00:27:23.500 with them? I think a lot of times you, um, there's a couple of different ways. Number one is that daily

00:27:28.880 strategy of asking open-ended questions. Cause I think a lot of times we, we kind of get in this

00:27:33.500 rut of, you know, we just, we kind of do the bare basics and you know, we, sometimes we kind of go

00:27:41.220 on our day on, on automatic pilot. But if you prep, you know, a little bit and it literally only takes

00:27:46.640 like 30 seconds to prep. But if you're like, okay, you know, tonight when I put my son to bed,

00:27:50.220 I'm going to ask him these three things and I want to, and then we're going to have a conversation,

00:27:54.780 a back and forth conversation about it. Cause that is connection. Um, another way to,

00:27:58.980 if you really want to rekindle a relationship, sometimes I think it's, it's an idea that you

00:28:02.460 just did this past weekend or last week, which is just get away and get, get away for 24 hours,

00:28:08.700 you know, do a camping trip, do a fishing trip. You know, if you have girls, you know, maybe camping 0.97

00:28:14.380 that might not be up their alley, but do something where it gets them away from the house,

00:28:19.220 the daily grind, the electronics, and just go experience something together, you know,

00:28:24.840 something that's different because that will rekindle a connection as well. I've heard that

00:28:29.260 working. I don't have teenagers yet, so I can't speak to that, but I have heard that that actually

00:28:35.240 works extremely well when you have a teenager because they kind of just get in that grind like

00:28:40.980 we do. And a lot of times it's getting you and them out of that daily grind in a way that

00:28:47.080 totally reconnects you. And then, you know, for the next several weeks, you kind of have this

00:28:51.300 little bit different of a relationship than you did before. Yeah. I can see that how teens would

00:28:56.200 get just as distracted as we do as men. One of my friends, he has a son who just turned 16 and

00:29:01.680 he's busy with sports and chasing girls and cars and everything else. But the thing that he is very

00:29:07.320 good at from my perspective is that we, we do CrossFit together and he gets his son really involved.

00:29:12.820 So they'll both come in the morning and the son will work out with him and they'll do things

00:29:16.480 together that are both fulfilling for the dad, but then also allow the son and him to connect

00:29:21.700 in a way that they, you know, don't get a lot of time throughout the day to do.

00:29:26.280 I totally agree. I mean, I think that too, I mean, you're kind of killing two birds with one stone

00:29:30.120 with the CrossFit thing because not only are you doing something that's an activity and experience,

00:29:33.820 but you're, you're, you're showing them the importance of health, which is, which is pivotal

00:29:38.680 as well. I want to talk about discipline and there's, there's a lot about this, you know,

00:29:44.440 should we spank our kids? Should we not? Is it better to reward them for positive behavior

00:29:48.480 and ignore negative behavior? And there's so many different ways to address that. I'd like to know

00:29:53.380 your opinions on discipline and structure for kids. Just beat them. Just beat them down. 0.94

00:29:59.680 Throw elbows. We better throw the, I guess I'm assuming, but we better say it's a joke.

00:30:05.660 Yeah. Cause I think some people might seriously. Social services will come banging on my door 0.61

00:30:11.120 after this episode's released. That's right. No, you know, gosh, that is one thing I got to be

00:30:15.560 honest with you. I mean, that is one thing. Like I, I think that I try to master that every day and

00:30:22.600 I think different techniques work for different kids. And especially with me, you've got three,

00:30:28.300 I've got three different tech. My, each one of my kids are wired completely differently. So

00:30:32.120 different consequences ring a lot louder to them than others. Um, but here's, here's one of the

00:30:38.920 things that I've done. Um, and I just started this and I, and I got this actually, I got this

00:30:45.640 strategy from a mentor of mine, um, was instead of if your child does something wrong and it's non

00:30:52.600 life threatening, but you're really pissed off instead of like snapping and yelling and screaming, 0.53

00:30:58.120 you know, why did you do that? You know, it's like sit them down, take a breath and decide to

00:31:04.420 respond instead of react and say, Hey, you know what, what you did, you're not a bad kid, but what

00:31:10.680 you, you made a bad decision. Okay. So that's number one. Um, but maybe tell dad what was going through

00:31:18.400 your mind. Why did you think that that was a good idea? And then just kind of like allow them to think

00:31:24.800 about what they did. A lot of times if they're taking more ownership of it and they're reflecting

00:31:29.820 on it, they're less likely to do that, whatever that was again. But literally, I mean, I mean,

00:31:35.800 I was a kid, you were a kid. I mean, when our parents would yell and scream at us probably about

00:31:39.440 10 words into it, you kind of tuned out, you know, it just, it almost sounded like the peanuts teacher,

00:31:44.940 you know, it's like the want, want, want, you know? So it's like, it was just all you could,

00:31:48.440 all you could really hear were loud words, like loud words. Right. But if you take some time and

00:31:53.980 really reflect on, allow that child to reflect on what they did and why they did it, then

00:31:58.940 you maybe can break the cycle of that pattern and let they're less likely to do it again.

00:32:03.960 And of course, yeah, there's a consequence to it, whether that's time out or you're taking

00:32:07.600 away an electronic or, you know, they're grounded from friends, but there's a, sometimes you

00:32:12.480 can nip that behavior, I think in the butt a little bit earlier by allowing them to reflect

00:32:17.840 and respond. And it's more of a conversation versus like a verbal beat down. 0.90

00:32:21.200 One of the other things that I've heard that's been valuable for my wife and I is look at

00:32:25.420 it from a place of perspective. Like if you're just hotheaded about everything, that's not

00:32:29.100 an opportunity for that child to learn. I'll give you an example. This last weekend, we

00:32:34.000 had some cousins over that are my, my kid's age and my oldest son talked his cousin into

00:32:42.020 stepping on an anthill. I don't know how he did it, but he did it. And she got bit and she

00:32:47.540 came in, you know, screaming and crying and everything, those red fire ants. And then

00:32:51.600 they left. And so we, I talked to my son and rather than just like you said, that emotion

00:32:56.500 or that verbal beat down, it was perspective. Like what could we learn from this? And so

00:33:01.080 part of the lesson was, Hey, when you make a mistake, you've got to, you've got to remedy

00:33:04.680 the situation. You've got to fix the situation. So what we had him do is we actually had him

00:33:09.320 put together like this little kit of like Benadryl and some other things that would like suckers

00:33:13.760 that would make her feel better and then go over and apologize to her. He learned so much

00:33:20.540 more from doing that than he would have ever learned from me yelling at him or spanking

00:33:25.400 him or whatever else we could have thought of to punish him.

00:33:28.140 Yeah. It's almost like if you can get them to take action and ownership and then they have

00:33:32.040 to do something to maybe remedy, you know, what, what, what just happened? I mean, yeah,

00:33:36.080 they're going to reflect and think a lot harder by the probably next time they're tempted

00:33:39.520 to do something like that. Yeah, you bet. So we talked about where men have strength

00:33:44.640 and the things that they can do to, to become better. What, what are some of the weaknesses?

00:33:48.300 And I know this is very general, but some of the weaknesses that men have that you see

00:33:52.520 as a trend that men need to work on and improve. In the past two years, I've done 24, um, workshops

00:33:59.340 with, with, with men. Um, so I've, I've gotten to learn a lot of what those pain points are.

00:34:05.340 And I'll just let you guess. I mean, what do you, there's one word that men I've heard from

00:34:09.940 every single dad, every single time I've done a workshop. And at this point, you know, these

00:34:14.300 workshops, they've helped, you know, I would say a couple thousand at this point. Um, but there is

00:34:18.540 one word that I hear men wish they had more of, and I'm sure you could probably guess what that is.

00:34:24.460 Uh, for me, I don't know if this is the word, but for me, it's patience. You're exactly right.

00:34:28.340 Is that what it is? Okay. Yeah. So I would say that's the number it's, it's the number one weakness,

00:34:32.960 but it's the number one desire also that I've seen that men want to improve on is that, you know,

00:34:37.420 Hey, how do I, what's, what's the, uh, what's the magic, you know, pill, what's the golden ticket for

00:34:42.920 having more patients. And I, I outlined that in my book of, uh, what's worked for me, what's worked

00:34:48.220 for other men. Um, you know, and, and if you do certain things on a, on a, on a daily basis,

00:34:54.240 weekly basis to set yourself up for more patients, you'll absolutely have it.

00:34:58.940 Right. So valuable to have to, to be able to, cause things get hard, man. They really do. Don't

00:35:04.480 they? Yeah, they, they obviously do. And I mean, and you know, you become challenged and, and you

00:35:09.960 know, you become defeated on some days and some days it's, it's hard to show up with a hundred

00:35:14.480 percent patients unless you're like we talked about earlier in the interview, which is being

00:35:18.100 proactive and figuring out your why too. Like, why is it that you want to be present for your kids?

00:35:22.980 What, what type of environment do you want to create? Because when you have that strong,

00:35:26.540 why of what you're trying to create in your house, then it's a little bit easier to have some of that

00:35:30.140 perspective that we talked about and how you should handle situations. Right. Exactly. Yeah.

00:35:34.600 So Larry, we're running out of time here. I've got a couple of questions for you. There is a

00:35:38.240 question and I didn't prep you for this, that I ask all of my guests. And that question is what

00:35:42.400 does it mean to be a man? But I'm actually not going to ask you that question. I'm going to ask

00:35:45.740 you something different. And that is what does it mean to be a good father?

00:35:50.180 I think what it means to be a good father is to proactively show, to be the best,

00:35:55.720 to be the best version of yourself. And in order to be the best version of yourself,

00:35:59.340 you have to proactively get in that mindset first and then show up. So, um, I think to be a good

00:36:06.540 father is responding versus reacting, talking with instead of talking to at times. I also think,

00:36:14.640 you know, daily, weekly connection with your wife, if you're married is absolutely key because that

00:36:21.140 relationship is going to be the most important relationship. Uh, you know, if, if the marriage

00:36:26.440 starts to fail, then a lot of times that creates so much family tension that it's, it's hard to show

00:36:31.960 up, you know, a hundred percent. And the other thing too, is, is to what it means to be a good

00:36:36.560 father is daily, weekly, monthly and annual connection with your kids. And we, we gave several

00:36:42.260 examples of how to do that within this particular show. It's really just showing up and making sure

00:36:47.720 you are connecting. You know, if you're going to give your best in the workplace, like a lot of us

00:36:51.960 are wired to do, you have to replicate that same behavior, um, in the, on the home front. But the

00:36:57.440 problem is a lot of us just don't know the skillset. I mean, think about how much time, effort and

00:37:01.320 training, you know, you were probably trained for your job and then how much time, effort and training

00:37:05.840 is available to be a father. It's, it's minuscule. Right. Yeah. It doesn't even compare.

00:37:10.040 Absolutely. And we can't even scratch the surface in a half an hour conversation. And so if, uh,

00:37:16.920 if men are listening to this and they've got it in their hearts to be better fathers and they want

00:37:21.840 to do something about it, how do they connect with you? How do they reach out to you and learn more

00:37:25.080 about what you're doing with the good dad? Absolutely. So you can find our, my website at

00:37:29.600 good dad project.com. Um, that is where the podcast is blog. If you email me, I am, I am anal about

00:37:37.820 the email. I will reply to every single email that is sent in. We get a lot of them. Cool.

00:37:42.600 Um, so the connection that people will get is actually a very personal connection. Also on

00:37:48.420 Facebook, you can, you can search good dad project. You'll, we'll pop right up. We're on

00:37:52.620 Twitter as well. Uh, I just got on Instagram. So it's good dad project on Instagram, good dad

00:37:57.080 project on Twitter. Um, I have a book that's coming out here soon. It'll probably be released

00:38:01.820 September 1st on Amazon. It's called the dad's edge, which is, uh, nine simple strategies to

00:38:07.440 achieve, to achieve unlimited patients, uh, connect, improve relationships and positive lasting

00:38:13.340 memories. And, uh, I also have an online course actually on, on a, uh, site called Udemy, which

00:38:19.480 is called the dad's edge as well, which we, uh, it's, it's gone over extremely well. We've had a lot

00:38:24.000 of people take it and it's, it's only 38 minutes long. I tried to make it as powerful as impactful for

00:38:29.020 a father who's busy. So that's how you can connect with me is, is on all of those platforms.

00:38:34.660 Awesome. And so we'll be able to make a show, uh, links to on our show notes page to all of those

00:38:39.420 resources so we can connect with you. And then, um, you and I have talked a little bit about

00:38:43.260 working together in some capacity in the future. So we'll make sure everybody has an idea of how

00:38:47.660 that's going to work and what that looks like and how it's going to be advantageous for them.

00:38:50.800 So Larry, I know you're busy. You've got a full-time job. You've got three kids. I appreciate you

00:38:55.680 taking some time out of your day to, to share some of your wisdom with us.

00:38:58.320 It's my pleasure, man. And again, it was great having you on the show. I love what you're doing.

00:39:02.720 Um, it's just, you know, you, you've, you've taken a lot of the things that I think, uh, men are

00:39:07.300 really, really, really want, you know, they, they really desire a lot of the, a lot of the, uh, the

00:39:12.500 pillars that you, that you've made the order of man around. So it's great to always connect with

00:39:16.800 someone who, who's on a similar mission. So, I mean, you know, kudos to you as well, Ryan.

00:39:21.340 Looking forward to getting to know you and your business better as we move forward.

00:39:23.880 Awesome, man. Well, thank you.

00:39:24.880 All right, guys, there you go. Some great insights and some great resources for you to

00:39:28.920 help you become the father you were meant to be. Go check out some of Larry's resources. I know that

00:39:33.560 you will be glad that you did. I've checked them out personally, and I can tell you it's some great

00:39:37.340 information for us as fathers. Also be sure to head to order of man.com slash zero to five for the show

00:39:43.320 notes today. And also the links on some of the things that we addressed in our conversation.

00:39:46.580 If you did enjoy the show and, or you learn something new again, head over to order of man.com

00:39:52.700 slash iTunes, show us some support for the show by leaving a rating review. I will try to read your

00:39:57.520 review in an upcoming show. If you leave one for us, Facebook guys, join our exclusive group at

00:40:03.340 facebook.com slash groups slash order of man. Join in the conversation we're having about manliness and

00:40:08.980 masculinity. We want as many guys there as possible next week. We will be having a conversation with a

00:40:14.960 fellow podcasters in the same space as order of man. Him and I started our podcast about the same

00:40:20.200 time, and he is absolutely blown up with his show and blog. He's has started multiple seven figure

00:40:26.160 businesses. He's someone I consider a mentor and he sits down with me to talk about what it means to

00:40:30.820 be a man and how he has had so much success in his life. So make sure to subscribe to our podcast.

00:40:36.680 So you don't miss that show or any of the shows that we put out guys. I look forward to talking with

00:40:41.560 you next week. But until then, take action and become the man you were meant to be.

00:40:46.120 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

00:40:50.720 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - September 08, 2015

OoM 025： Becoming the Dad Your Kids Need You To Be With Larry Hagner

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