OoM 025： Becoming the Dad Your Kids Need You To Be With Larry Hagner
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Summary
Larry Hagner is an author, speaker, a coach, a podcaster, and the founder of The Good Dad Project, which is dedicated to helping men become the best versions of themselves so they can show up big for their kids. In this episode, Larry shares how to develop these skills to become a good father, emotionally connect with our children, and how you can finally create and achieve successful goals for your family.
Transcript
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If you're a father, being a good dad is something you strive to be, but when reality hits, we as men find it more difficult than we thought it would be.
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You have clear and ambitious goals for your business, your finances, and your health, but can the same thing be said about your goals for fatherhood?
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Today, my guest shares how to develop these skills to become a good father, emotionally connect with our children, and how you can finally create and achieve successful goals for your family.
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time. You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.
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This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.
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At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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Men, welcome back to Date of the Order of Man podcast. My name is Ryan Mickler. I am the founder of Order of Man. So glad that you're here with me today.
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First of all, you've got to forgive me for my voice. I'm just getting over a bit of a cold, but I am feeling better now.
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I hope that you enjoyed your long Labor Day weekend, and you had as much fun as I did.
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You're probably back into it now, and I'm glad that you're tuning in with me as you get back into your week.
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Today, we're going to be having a great conversation about fatherhood.
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I know that it's a topic on the minds of all dads and future dads that are listening in.
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We just want to be the best fathers we can be, right?
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But sometimes we find it difficult when life and reality hits.
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Now, before we get too much further into the episode, I do want to say thank you to those of you who left reviews last week.
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It does mean a ton to me. I take each one of those as a compliment because I know that you took your time out of your day to do it.
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If you want to connect with me and join in the manly conversations that we're having,
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you can connect with me on just about any social media platform out there that you would like.
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Twitter, Facebook, Google, YouTube, Instagram, etc. You name it. We're there.
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But this week, I want to encourage you to connect with us on our Facebook group, not to be confused with our Facebook page.
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You can go to facebook.com slash groups slash order of man.
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We're about 150 strong right now, and we are having some great conversations about all things manly.
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Again, just head to facebook.com slash groups slash order of man, or better yet,
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you can just type in order of man in the Facebook search bar,
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and you can request access to join the group and also like our page.
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All right, as always, show notes for this show are available at order of man dot com slash zero to five.
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Lots of insights today about fatherhood and being a good dad.
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Now, he's an author. He's a speaker, a coach, a podcaster.
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I love what he's doing with his brand and his message.
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The Good Dad Project is dedicated to helping men become the best versions of themselves
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He actually grew up in a fatherless environment for most of his life,
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and when he became a father himself, which was nine years ago, he had no idea what to do.
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He just knew he didn't want to fail, so he dove into self-improvement.
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He worked with coaches and mentors, and then he created The Good Dad Project
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to help other men with some of those same struggles.
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He also recently published a book called The Dad's Edge, Nine Simple Ways to Unlimited Patience,
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Improve Relationships, and Positive, Lasting Memories, and he created an online course called
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The Dad's Edge, Six Simple Strategies to Empowering Your Journey as a Dad.
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And we're going to talk about those couple of things and more today.
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Larry, thanks for joining us on the show today.
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I'm good. I'm excited to finish our conversation.
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I was on your show last week, and you're on my show this week, and I'm looking forward
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Same here. I mean, obviously, when I came across your podcast and your background, I mean, dude,
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it is just scary how similar your background and my background is. I felt like I was listening
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to my own story when I was listening to your podcast originally. So yeah, it's awesome to
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And it's cool. We talked a lot about action and what we can do to be better men, in your case,
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a better father more specifically. And yeah, it's cool to have somebody else who has a similar
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background that's able to use that background or the hardships and the trials that they've
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gone through and then make something successful of it. So why don't you tell me a little bit
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about what your mission is and maybe even include some of that backstory into how and why you got
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Sure. So, I mean, my backstory is actually kind of like yours. So I'll just start there and just
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kind of move forward. So my parents were married. My biological father were married. I was born and
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right when I was about probably nine months old, my parents got a divorce. So my biological father
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and mother were divorced. They parted ways. It was a really bad situation. I actually never saw him,
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never saw him at all. And it wasn't until I was four that my mom actually got remarried to
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my stepfather who, you know, kind of like your story, actually. He was a bit of a heavy drinker,
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kind of abusive. And it was just, it was a very negative, it was a negative experience.
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They got divorced when I was 10. And then at 12 years old, I kind of got a little surprise. I ran
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into my biological father. So I actually got to meet him face to face for the first time when I was 12,
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which was pretty surreal. Yeah. And that relationship lasted just very, very briefly. I think
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there were some things going on between, you know, it was kind of confrontational, I think,
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with he and my mom. And it caused a lot of stress. And he and I basically parted ways. My mom went
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through several marriages and relationships after that. And literally every single one of them,
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not one of them was really a positive one. And so kind of like you, I had just a very negative
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experience with father figures growing up. And then when I was 30, two things happened. Number one,
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I had my first son when this was nine years ago. So I have a nine year old, he's my oldest,
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and I ran into my biological father again. Oh, wow. This time it had been 20, you know,
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about 20 years. So I'm happy to say that this actually has a happy ending. He and I do have a
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good relationship. It's not a, I wouldn't say it's a father son relationship, but it's more of a
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friendship. But we do see each other quite a bit, I would say like, you know, every couple of weeks
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or so, but we've got a good relationship and worked out well. But really that kind of,
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that is what really started my mission with the Good Dad Project. So it, you know, kind of like
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your story, I didn't know what to do when I first became a father. In fact, you know, whole humbly,
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like I feel like in the very beginning of, of my journeys of father, I was, I was kind of a jerk,
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you know what I mean? I don't, I wasn't mean, I wasn't abusive, you know, I was loving, but I don't
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think I was a hundred percent engaged. And I think it was because I didn't know how I didn't have the
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skill set. So about three years ago, I decided to start a Facebook page called the Good Dad Project.
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And I just wanted something out there publicly to keep me accountable and what that is. So I did
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posts, I would do daily posts, I would do daily, I would look up daily inspirational quotes, you know,
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fatherly quotes, just something to keep me like really, really grounded and keep me focused on
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that mission of being a good father. And the more I posted and the more research I did and the more
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books I read and the more self, I kind of geek out when it comes to, you know, self-development and
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better improvement of yourself. And so I learned a lot in that year. And then the Facebook got a
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huge following and then I ended up starting a website. I wrote my first ebook. I just finished
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my, like a huge book, not huge as in lengthy, but you know, my first big book, it's called the
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really important. Yeah. Yeah. It's called the dad's edge and it's got nine strategies in it to be a
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better father. And it's really turned into this huge mission. I also do speaking events for fathers.
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I also do speaking events for mothers as well. It's usually local. It's usually churches that hire
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me to do that. But it's really based on my book and the nine strategies in the book to just be a
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better father. But that's literally like everything in a nutshell for you of where I came from and why
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I'm doing what I'm doing. How did you take a hardship in your life? And I know, again, we've had a
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little bit of conversation about this, but take that hardship in life of not growing up without a
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permanent father figure in your life and then be able to transition into being a good father.
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Like, was there mentors in your life? Was there other men that you were looking up to? How did you
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develop the skill set that you said you never really had as an example? I would say the mentorship came
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later on. But I think what I mean, the desire really came from, you know, in my head, I was always
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like, OK, I know I don't want to give my kids what I got because that was awful. And I know I want to be
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better. So how do I do that? And like I said, it was a lot of a lot of reading books, a lot of
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research on the Internet, a lot of interaction with dads. I mean, every time I do a speaking
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event, not only do I get to teach, but I get to learn from these guys who have been dads much
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longer than me. So and then now, yes, absolutely. I've got several mentors, you know, strong circle
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of friends that all have the same mission. So it's surrounding yourself with very positive
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people who who all have the same mission. How do you become aware? Because I think a lot of the
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times we just think we're doing a good job, but very rarely are we willing to take a solid look at
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how we're handling our responsibilities as businessmen or fathers or husbands. How does a
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guy become aware of or judge or get a barometer of really where he is and how he's doing as a dad?
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I mean, I think there's one thing in particular, and this is one of the things I teach at the
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at my workshops. And that's and that's be proactive in your approach. So in other words,
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like, I mean, you know what it's like. I mean, if you have a job interview or if you were an athlete
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growing up, you know, what did you do before every game? You know, you mentally prepped,
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you know, if you have a huge job interview before you go into that interview, you mentally prep.
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Same thing with like if you're doing a huge presentation to a customer or to a boss,
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you prep. So being proactive, I mean, I think if you if you look at the barometer of,
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hey, how am I doing? In some cases, you might kind of be too late. But if you if you prep
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beforehand before situations, then I'll give you an example. Like, for instance, let's just say I
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have a challenging day at work and I know I'm not in the best mood and I could easily, you know,
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I could easily my barometer would be much lower if I took my stress and all that stuff out of my kids,
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which is something that all dads do. We're so good. All of us do that. And a lot of times you
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just have to break that cycle and just be proactive and say, you know what? I had a horrible day, but
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my family is not going to pay for it. And here's what I'm going to do. And here is how I'm going to
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bring happiness, you know, affection, emotional support tonight. And I'm going to be 100 percent
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there no matter what my day look like. And here's how I'm going to do it. So it's almost like that
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athletic prep. I mean, it might be more the athlete and athlete me that that that thinks that way,
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but it's worked and it's worked wonders for, you know, a lot of the men I've worked with as well.
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So what are some of the things that you personally do to prepare or to bring? I know for me,
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I get really distracted. I have a tendency to do that, especially when I get home after a long day.
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I have a difficult time turning work off. I know a lot of guys are in that same position.
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Are there some activities that you personally do that are very specific that helps you tune out work
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or other distractions and focus on your family? Yeah. So there's actually an entire chapter in
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my book on this. And then when I when I speak at these workshops, I have an entire section that I go
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over. So I'll give you an example. So let's just say I have, you know, a bad day at work. You know,
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my my mentality is low. I'm feeling pretty terrible. My patience, I know, is completely worn thin,
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right, basically in a super pissed off mood. And I'm going to I'm going to bring that with me to my
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kids unless I do something to break the cycle. So one of the things that I do and it's worked
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wonders is I will turn on something very positive on my way home from work, like either an audio
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book, a podcast, some some music that I really like. That's something that's going to break that
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mental cycle and get me into a different state. The other thing that I do is, you know, I make sure
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that I kind of play out exactly how I'm going to greet my family. So even if I'm in like a pissed
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off mood or whatever, if I come in and I'm like, what's up, everybody? And I'm like, I high five
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people. I'll throw my kid over, you know, my shoulder, spin them around. Even if I'm pissed
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off, you know, they'll start to laugh. I'll start to laugh. My wife starts to laugh. So that completely
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changes the atmosphere. And there's something to be said about momentum. When you start your evening
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off like that, usually it's going to continue to go in that that direction. So it's literally
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breaking the pattern of that mental, you know, I have no patience. I'm pissed off. I don't like
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life today to doing something different. And a lot of times that comes from the outside
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in. You also mentioned distraction. Man, I will tell you, I am probably I have like an
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addiction to my cell phone and it's absolutely horrible. I mean, yeah, we all do. Yeah. I
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mean, it's it's like almost an epidemic. And I feel like I'm probably one of the worst people
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out there. So when I have myself, especially when it's work related, when I have my cell phone
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and I hear it go off, I feel so compelled to go see what I what do I need to go take
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care of? I think that's how we as men are wired. Like I have to go out. I have to take
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care of this. Right. I have to do something, fix something. Right. Exactly. So what I do
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is I go to the extreme sometimes where I know I don't have control. It's kind of like an alcoholic.
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You know, if you're an alcoholic, you don't want to have alcohol in the house. So what I do
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is I will turn my cell phone off and leave it out in my car. Good idea. Yeah. And that way
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it's out of sight, out of mind. I'm not tempted to pick it up. And I got to tell you, if you
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when you start doing that, it's it's difficult at first. But after a while, it becomes more
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of a more of a relief because, you know, that there's this block of time like, you
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know, there's no from five to eight o'clock at night. There's no screen time in my house.
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Right. Yeah. That makes sense. It's been valuable for me as I've done that, too.
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Yeah. The other thing that I've done that's worked really well is like have a plan or an
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activity that I'm I'm going to do when I get home, because if I if I think about it,
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like when I get into work, I've got a really clear idea of what I need to accomplish that
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day. But when I get home, my thought is, OK, I want to be a good husband or I want to
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be a good dad. But that's so general that it doesn't really allow you to do things that
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are specific to helping you accomplish that goal. Right.
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And so I know as we have plans to have an activity and that activity doesn't mean you need
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to go out and spend a bunch of money. It could just mean, hey, I'm going to take a half an
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hour and play catch with each one of my boys and my daughter and I are going to build Legos
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or whatever. You know what I mean? That's been helpful for me, too.
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Right. The other thing I was going to mention is on the podcast, one of the traps I fall into
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because you talked about listening to music or uplifting something podcast on the way home.
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Just make sure it's not a business podcast. That's what I fall into is I turn on a podcast
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and it's a business podcast and then my wheels are turning when I walk in the door. So just
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wanted to put that disclaimer out there. No, I think you're right. I mean, because you kind
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of want to break that that whole business mentality, you know, that that we're so I mean,
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and we as men were so wired up for that. You want to almost get more into a bit of on more
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of the emotional side, you know, to where you can you can kind of hone in on that area of your
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life a little bit more because that way you're going to be more emotionally available to the
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kids when you get home. Right. I literally had a friend who when he would get home, he
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would literally hang from a branch in his tree in his front yard before he walked in the door.
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And so I asked him why he did that. He says he's hanging his troubles up at the door.
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And so he would literally do that as a way. Like you said, just break the pattern, break
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the cycle of work to now I'm in family mode. Yeah, man, I love that. I might have to steal
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that. But, you know, we we live in a newer neighborhood and a lot of our trees are little.
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So I might just take like a whole tree down like by accident.
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It could be funny. Jump on there and all of a sudden just snap. Right. Right.
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So I know one of the traps that I fall into is goal setting. For me, I've got some really
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ambitious goals with my businesses. I've got ambitious financial and physical goals and
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even spiritual goals. But like I said before, I kind of fail when it comes to creating solid,
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actionable goals for being a better dad and husband. Are there some goals that you are
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comfortable sharing with us or give us some insight into how we can create solid goals for
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our families? Yeah, absolutely. I'll kind of give you I mean, we as men, we kind of it's
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more like here's the challenges. Right. And here's some things that we can do. But for men,
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what we need is like very specific action steps like, hey, give me the map, you know,
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give me give me the map of what I need to do. Like, what does this look like? I know I want to
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be better. But but what's missing for me is the how, you know, how do I get from A to B? So
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in my book and I have an online course as well called The Dad's Edge. So I break it down of what
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you can do literally on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis. So like, for instance, I'll give you an
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example. One of the sections in my book is, you know, three ways to effectively and emotionally
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connect with your kids. And a lot of times we as dads like that's a goal. It's kind of like you
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have a business goal. Like, hey, I want to go do such and such. That's a business goal for me.
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But a lot of men are like, yes, of course, I want to connect more with my kids. I just like,
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what does that look like, though? So like, for instance, if you want to connect more with your
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kids on a daily basis, one of the things that I like to do that I've heard a lot of other dads do is
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they take 10 minutes before bed and they will have a one-on-one conversation with each child
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about their day. What does that really look like? What that looks like is they ask open-ended
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questions. So not just like, so was school good today? Yes or no? I mean, that's so easy to do.
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But if you ask, you know, what was your favorite part about school today and why? That conversation
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becomes much, much different. Or like, what was the most challenging parts of your day and why?
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What you'll find in that 10 minutes with that child when you ask, you know, three to five
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open-ended questions is common ground and connection. So that's what you can do on a
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daily basis. And that's just one suggestion. What you can do on a weekly basis is something that I
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know that you actually do, Ryan, which is it sounds like you probably take, you know, maybe whether it's
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an hour or maybe it's a weekend or a full day and you spend time with your kids. And that means,
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hey, let's give mom a break and let's you and I go do this activity or me and all of us go do this
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activity. So choosing a day, like look at your calendar, pick a day out in the week where you
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can spend anywhere from 60 minutes to four hours doing something just time with one-on-one with
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dad. And now what you've done is you've taken a daily connection where you're verbally talking
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and now you do a weekly connection where you're experiencing something together. And whatever that,
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it doesn't have to be anything extreme or it can be whatever you want it to be. I know like you,
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for instance, like camping, your kids are going to forever remember going camping with their dad.
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They just will, you know, and you're creating those positive memories. One other suggestion was,
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so if you want to take that to the next level is yearly. I mean, you've got three kids, I've got
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three kids. One of the things that I've done over the past three years is I've taken each one of my
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kids on a one-on-one trip every year. And the rules for that is, it has to be 24 to 48 hours.
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It's just me and one of the kids. And that's cool. It's great. I mean, and that way that child,
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number one, is going to be very, very different with you one-on-one versus them when they're with
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their siblings. But number two, as they get older, that's just going to be something that you and
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that one child always has. So it's right. It's awesome. I can't recommend that enough. It's just,
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it's so fantastic. I've done it three times now with each of my boys and it's the best trips I've
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ever been on. That's awesome. I love that idea. I think I'm going to implement that for sure.
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Thank you. And I like what you said about having conversations with kids. It's incredible to me
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how well a five-year-old or a six or a seven-year-old and it can actually carry on a
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conversation. I actually had my oldest, my seven-year-old on my podcast and it was so fun.
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And we had a conversation for about 20 minutes on what it means to be a man. And he's a rock star,
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man. He held that conversation well. He said some funny stuff. And, uh, it's always impressive to
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me if you just let kids talk because they do, they have their own thoughts and they have their
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own opinions and they have their own ideas. If you just let them, uh, and in a way just be a
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catalyst or an outlet for them to express those ideas, I think is so important.
00:20:18.180
I totally agree. And you'll, you'll be shocked sometimes. I mean, as, as we all know, I mean,
00:20:22.860
you know, you, you ask an open-ended question to a kid and really dive into how their mind works
00:20:28.380
and what's clicking. I mean, it's, it's pretty extraordinary what comes out a lot of times.
00:20:33.580
Yeah. I actually asked my son on the podcast where I needed to improve what I needed to work on.
00:20:39.260
And he said, he, he brought it back to one experience where I got really frustrated and
00:20:44.800
threw a wheelbarrow and a shovel across the yard because they were messing with everything. And he
00:20:49.520
says, dad, you need to stop throwing sissy fits. He said, Oh my gosh, that's hilarious.
00:20:54.120
That is good, man. Calling you out on the carpet. You gotta love that.
00:21:00.080
So I've got a question about boundaries because when I'm home, maybe I'm working or even recording
00:21:06.240
this show. Are there some things that you do personally to establish and set some boundaries
00:21:12.500
when you have to do something? Maybe it's, you need to spend some alone time with your wife,
00:21:17.020
or maybe it's that you happen to have to answer a couple of emails at home.
00:21:20.720
And how do you create the atmosphere of like, okay, here's when I can do stuff and be fully
00:21:25.860
present. And then here's when I'm not available guys.
00:21:28.540
Oh my gosh. So you want to hear an ironic story?
00:21:33.800
So of course, you know, my site, my blog, all that good stuff, it's called the good dad project,
00:21:39.460
So, you know, it does, you know, show notes, podcasting, writing a book, responding to emails.
00:21:44.500
It all, it all takes some time and you have to be very strategic with that time. And yes,
00:21:49.740
you do have to create some boundaries, but I had to like, laugh at myself. I was trying to finish up
00:21:53.600
my book here recently and I just decided on like the design and, and all that. So I, I kind of got
00:21:59.640
in the past couple of weeks, I kind of fell back into some of those bad habits of like,
00:22:03.540
I did bring my phone in because I was like, I had a timeframe of when I could decide on like the
00:22:08.120
design of my book and all that. So I'm on my phone and, and you know, my seven year old is like,
00:22:13.680
dad, dad, dad, like, what are you, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm, I'm looking at my book
00:22:20.100
cover. He's like the book cover on how to be a good dad. And I'm like, yeah. And I got like frustrated
00:22:24.500
and then I just kind of like scratched my head and I'm like, what am I doing? Like, this is so
00:22:28.520
ironic. Like I'm buried into my phone. My seven year old wants me. I'm looking at a book cover of how to
00:22:34.420
be a better father. And here I am being like, not so great. Right. Right. Right. So what I've done
00:22:40.100
is you have to be, if you have a full-time job like I do, and you're doing something on the side
00:22:44.640
like this, like I do, you have to be very, very strategic with your time because a lot of times
00:22:49.280
you can get distracted. So what I usually tell my kids is like, Hey, you know, just, and I work out
00:22:53.820
of the house just cause dad's home, like between the hours of like nine and five, you know, those are,
00:22:59.700
those are daddy's work hours. It's almost like, you know, if I was away, but here's what I am going to
00:23:04.440
do. Like from the hours of, you know, six to seven, keep in mind, Hey, we've got this to do
00:23:10.180
tonight or we're going to have baseball practice or we're going to, we're going to go outside or
00:23:13.900
we're going to, we're going to play a game. So I always make sure like, Hey, at this time, like I,
00:23:17.960
I might not be able to play with you now or, or give a lot of attention that you need right now,
00:23:22.480
but keep in mind tonight, we're going to be doing this. So I think that kind of helps create the
00:23:28.120
boundaries because if I had more of a corporate job, I'd be out of the house anyway, and I wouldn't be
00:23:33.960
here. So a lot of times I just have to remind them of like, Hey, I'm not available right now,
00:23:37.260
but I, but remember I will be at this point because, and we're going to do something,
00:23:41.120
you know, that we're both going to enjoy. Yeah, that makes sense. And I think too,
00:23:46.160
and this probably is along the lines of what you're saying is, and definitely back to the
00:23:49.960
conversations. I think if you explain to your kids and you help them understand what's really
00:23:54.760
going on, I think we're so quick to jump to because I'm the parent and I said so, and that's why it is
00:23:58.740
rather than, Hey guys, I'm at work right now and I'm able to work at home and do these things.
00:24:05.380
If I can have this time to focus on this. So one of the things I do is I actually just put a big
00:24:09.720
recording sign on my door, um, which is in the basement. So they know, they see that because I
00:24:14.980
talked to him and I say, Hey guys, it's gotta be extra quiet. So people that are listening can
00:24:18.440
really get value from this. And I explained that to him and they totally get it. And then when that's
00:24:23.200
off, then they know, Hey, if they need to come in or there's an emergency, they can certainly do that.
00:24:26.660
So, man, that's awesome because kids are so visual anyway. And if you do that, I'm totally
00:24:32.140
stealing that idea. I love it. This is going to be just as good for us as it is for anybody
00:24:36.660
listening today, right? Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, that's what I'm saying. Like anytime I get,
00:24:40.280
I get to have an interaction, I mean, like I don't, I don't call myself an expert father by any man,
00:24:44.920
by any means. I mean, I just try to just be a constant student of it and it's interactions like
00:24:50.500
my workshops and podcasting and, and being a guest on, on your, it's like, man, I just took that gold
00:24:56.060
nugget. I'm going to use that. So it's, it's awesome. So what are some things that you think
00:25:00.560
guys, men are just naturally inclined to be good at when it comes to being a father? And how do we
00:25:06.280
magnify those traits that we're, we're gifted with? I think one of the things that men have,
00:25:11.700
that men are good at is we are really good with intention. Uh, for the most part, I think a lot of
00:25:17.980
men really have the desire to, to be a more present, more emotionally supportive, more affectionate
00:25:25.720
father than literally I think ever before. Um, we've kind of stepped out of that more like I'm just a
00:25:31.700
provider and that's it to, I not only want to be a provider, I want to have connection. I want to have,
00:25:38.300
uh, lasting memories. I want to have, you know, these positive experiences with my kids. Um, I mean,
00:25:44.520
I think one of the things that, that we have done with this generation is we've done that part so
00:25:50.180
much better than maybe the generation before us. And not that there was anything wrong with the
00:25:55.000
generation before us whatsoever. I mean, but they had more of the stereotypical role of being the
00:26:00.100
provider. And I think we've just kind of stepped out of that a little bit more with this generation.
00:26:04.860
We're like, yeah, we're, we're a provider, but we want these things as well. Like if you want,
00:26:10.180
if we got a second, I'll give you an example of how this has actually been statistically proven.
00:26:13.580
Yeah, absolutely. Go for it. So, um, in 1965, there was actually a study done
00:26:19.060
of how much time dads spent with their kids and families. And the study was conducted in actually
00:26:25.400
2010. So they took a poll of, you know, men who grew up in that area and, and the amount of time
00:26:30.340
that was spent with their family was two and a half hours. They redid that study in 2010 and the
00:26:36.100
average length of time was 7.8 hours. So it actually, it actually tripled, you know, over time.
00:26:42.560
Now here's the really cool part. They've re-polled all those men in 2010 and they asked all of them,
00:26:48.600
Hey, do you think you spent enough time with your kids or did you want more? And 48% of them said,
00:26:53.180
so almost half of them said that they didn't feel they spent enough time and they wanted more time.
00:26:57.660
So that desire has been actually statistically proven.
00:27:00.580
No, that makes sense. I know that that's a big part of, of what I want to do and what I want to be.
00:27:04.960
You talked about connection and emotionally connecting with kids. How do you suggest that
00:27:11.520
somebody connect with their children that maybe they've come out of connection or they haven't been
00:27:18.820
as close to their children as they like, and they want to rekindle that emotional support and connection
00:27:23.500
with them? I think a lot of times you, um, there's a couple of different ways. Number one is that daily
00:27:28.880
strategy of asking open-ended questions. Cause I think a lot of times we, we kind of get in this
00:27:33.500
rut of, you know, we just, we kind of do the bare basics and you know, we, sometimes we kind of go
00:27:41.220
on our day on, on automatic pilot. But if you prep, you know, a little bit and it literally only takes
00:27:46.640
like 30 seconds to prep. But if you're like, okay, you know, tonight when I put my son to bed,
00:27:50.220
I'm going to ask him these three things and I want to, and then we're going to have a conversation,
00:27:54.780
a back and forth conversation about it. Cause that is connection. Um, another way to,
00:27:58.980
if you really want to rekindle a relationship, sometimes I think it's, it's an idea that you
00:28:02.460
just did this past weekend or last week, which is just get away and get, get away for 24 hours,
00:28:08.700
you know, do a camping trip, do a fishing trip. You know, if you have girls, you know, maybe camping
00:28:14.380
that might not be up their alley, but do something where it gets them away from the house,
00:28:19.220
the daily grind, the electronics, and just go experience something together, you know,
00:28:24.840
something that's different because that will rekindle a connection as well. I've heard that
00:28:29.260
working. I don't have teenagers yet, so I can't speak to that, but I have heard that that actually
00:28:35.240
works extremely well when you have a teenager because they kind of just get in that grind like
00:28:40.980
we do. And a lot of times it's getting you and them out of that daily grind in a way that
00:28:47.080
totally reconnects you. And then, you know, for the next several weeks, you kind of have this
00:28:51.300
little bit different of a relationship than you did before. Yeah. I can see that how teens would
00:28:56.200
get just as distracted as we do as men. One of my friends, he has a son who just turned 16 and
00:29:01.680
he's busy with sports and chasing girls and cars and everything else. But the thing that he is very
00:29:07.320
good at from my perspective is that we, we do CrossFit together and he gets his son really involved.
00:29:12.820
So they'll both come in the morning and the son will work out with him and they'll do things
00:29:16.480
together that are both fulfilling for the dad, but then also allow the son and him to connect
00:29:21.700
in a way that they, you know, don't get a lot of time throughout the day to do.
00:29:26.280
I totally agree. I mean, I think that too, I mean, you're kind of killing two birds with one stone
00:29:30.120
with the CrossFit thing because not only are you doing something that's an activity and experience,
00:29:33.820
but you're, you're, you're showing them the importance of health, which is, which is pivotal
00:29:38.680
as well. I want to talk about discipline and there's, there's a lot about this, you know,
00:29:44.440
should we spank our kids? Should we not? Is it better to reward them for positive behavior
00:29:48.480
and ignore negative behavior? And there's so many different ways to address that. I'd like to know
00:29:53.380
your opinions on discipline and structure for kids. Just beat them. Just beat them down.
00:29:59.680
Throw elbows. We better throw the, I guess I'm assuming, but we better say it's a joke.
00:30:05.660
Yeah. Cause I think some people might seriously. Social services will come banging on my door
00:30:11.120
after this episode's released. That's right. No, you know, gosh, that is one thing I got to be
00:30:15.560
honest with you. I mean, that is one thing. Like I, I think that I try to master that every day and
00:30:22.600
I think different techniques work for different kids. And especially with me, you've got three,
00:30:28.300
I've got three different tech. My, each one of my kids are wired completely differently. So
00:30:32.120
different consequences ring a lot louder to them than others. Um, but here's, here's one of the
00:30:38.920
things that I've done. Um, and I just started this and I, and I got this actually, I got this
00:30:45.640
strategy from a mentor of mine, um, was instead of if your child does something wrong and it's non
00:30:52.600
life threatening, but you're really pissed off instead of like snapping and yelling and screaming,
00:30:58.120
you know, why did you do that? You know, it's like sit them down, take a breath and decide to
00:31:04.420
respond instead of react and say, Hey, you know what, what you did, you're not a bad kid, but what
00:31:10.680
you, you made a bad decision. Okay. So that's number one. Um, but maybe tell dad what was going through
00:31:18.400
your mind. Why did you think that that was a good idea? And then just kind of like allow them to think
00:31:24.800
about what they did. A lot of times if they're taking more ownership of it and they're reflecting
00:31:29.820
on it, they're less likely to do that, whatever that was again. But literally, I mean, I mean,
00:31:35.800
I was a kid, you were a kid. I mean, when our parents would yell and scream at us probably about
00:31:39.440
10 words into it, you kind of tuned out, you know, it just, it almost sounded like the peanuts teacher,
00:31:44.940
you know, it's like the want, want, want, you know? So it's like, it was just all you could,
00:31:48.440
all you could really hear were loud words, like loud words. Right. But if you take some time and
00:31:53.980
really reflect on, allow that child to reflect on what they did and why they did it, then
00:31:58.940
you maybe can break the cycle of that pattern and let they're less likely to do it again.
00:32:03.960
And of course, yeah, there's a consequence to it, whether that's time out or you're taking
00:32:07.600
away an electronic or, you know, they're grounded from friends, but there's a, sometimes you
00:32:12.480
can nip that behavior, I think in the butt a little bit earlier by allowing them to reflect
00:32:17.840
and respond. And it's more of a conversation versus like a verbal beat down.
00:32:21.200
One of the other things that I've heard that's been valuable for my wife and I is look at
00:32:25.420
it from a place of perspective. Like if you're just hotheaded about everything, that's not
00:32:29.100
an opportunity for that child to learn. I'll give you an example. This last weekend, we
00:32:34.000
had some cousins over that are my, my kid's age and my oldest son talked his cousin into
00:32:42.020
stepping on an anthill. I don't know how he did it, but he did it. And she got bit and she
00:32:47.540
came in, you know, screaming and crying and everything, those red fire ants. And then
00:32:51.600
they left. And so we, I talked to my son and rather than just like you said, that emotion
00:32:56.500
or that verbal beat down, it was perspective. Like what could we learn from this? And so
00:33:01.080
part of the lesson was, Hey, when you make a mistake, you've got to, you've got to remedy
00:33:04.680
the situation. You've got to fix the situation. So what we had him do is we actually had him
00:33:09.320
put together like this little kit of like Benadryl and some other things that would like suckers
00:33:13.760
that would make her feel better and then go over and apologize to her. He learned so much
00:33:20.540
more from doing that than he would have ever learned from me yelling at him or spanking
00:33:25.400
him or whatever else we could have thought of to punish him.
00:33:28.140
Yeah. It's almost like if you can get them to take action and ownership and then they have
00:33:32.040
to do something to maybe remedy, you know, what, what, what just happened? I mean, yeah,
00:33:36.080
they're going to reflect and think a lot harder by the probably next time they're tempted
00:33:39.520
to do something like that. Yeah, you bet. So we talked about where men have strength
00:33:44.640
and the things that they can do to, to become better. What, what are some of the weaknesses?
00:33:48.300
And I know this is very general, but some of the weaknesses that men have that you see
00:33:52.520
as a trend that men need to work on and improve. In the past two years, I've done 24, um, workshops
00:33:59.340
with, with, with men. Um, so I've, I've gotten to learn a lot of what those pain points are.
00:34:05.340
And I'll just let you guess. I mean, what do you, there's one word that men I've heard from
00:34:09.940
every single dad, every single time I've done a workshop. And at this point, you know, these
00:34:14.300
workshops, they've helped, you know, I would say a couple thousand at this point. Um, but there is
00:34:18.540
one word that I hear men wish they had more of, and I'm sure you could probably guess what that is.
00:34:24.460
Uh, for me, I don't know if this is the word, but for me, it's patience. You're exactly right.
00:34:28.340
Is that what it is? Okay. Yeah. So I would say that's the number it's, it's the number one weakness,
00:34:32.960
but it's the number one desire also that I've seen that men want to improve on is that, you know,
00:34:37.420
Hey, how do I, what's, what's the, uh, what's the magic, you know, pill, what's the golden ticket for
00:34:42.920
having more patients. And I, I outlined that in my book of, uh, what's worked for me, what's worked
00:34:48.220
for other men. Um, you know, and, and if you do certain things on a, on a, on a daily basis,
00:34:54.240
weekly basis to set yourself up for more patients, you'll absolutely have it.
00:34:58.940
Right. So valuable to have to, to be able to, cause things get hard, man. They really do. Don't
00:35:04.480
they? Yeah, they, they obviously do. And I mean, and you know, you become challenged and, and you
00:35:09.960
know, you become defeated on some days and some days it's, it's hard to show up with a hundred
00:35:14.480
percent patients unless you're like we talked about earlier in the interview, which is being
00:35:18.100
proactive and figuring out your why too. Like, why is it that you want to be present for your kids?
00:35:22.980
What, what type of environment do you want to create? Because when you have that strong,
00:35:26.540
why of what you're trying to create in your house, then it's a little bit easier to have some of that
00:35:30.140
perspective that we talked about and how you should handle situations. Right. Exactly. Yeah.
00:35:34.600
So Larry, we're running out of time here. I've got a couple of questions for you. There is a
00:35:38.240
question and I didn't prep you for this, that I ask all of my guests. And that question is what
00:35:42.400
does it mean to be a man? But I'm actually not going to ask you that question. I'm going to ask
00:35:45.740
you something different. And that is what does it mean to be a good father?
00:35:50.180
I think what it means to be a good father is to proactively show, to be the best,
00:35:55.720
to be the best version of yourself. And in order to be the best version of yourself,
00:35:59.340
you have to proactively get in that mindset first and then show up. So, um, I think to be a good
00:36:06.540
father is responding versus reacting, talking with instead of talking to at times. I also think,
00:36:14.640
you know, daily, weekly connection with your wife, if you're married is absolutely key because that
00:36:21.140
relationship is going to be the most important relationship. Uh, you know, if, if the marriage
00:36:26.440
starts to fail, then a lot of times that creates so much family tension that it's, it's hard to show
00:36:31.960
up, you know, a hundred percent. And the other thing too, is, is to what it means to be a good
00:36:36.560
father is daily, weekly, monthly and annual connection with your kids. And we, we gave several
00:36:42.260
examples of how to do that within this particular show. It's really just showing up and making sure
00:36:47.720
you are connecting. You know, if you're going to give your best in the workplace, like a lot of us
00:36:51.960
are wired to do, you have to replicate that same behavior, um, in the, on the home front. But the
00:36:57.440
problem is a lot of us just don't know the skillset. I mean, think about how much time, effort and
00:37:01.320
training, you know, you were probably trained for your job and then how much time, effort and training
00:37:05.840
is available to be a father. It's, it's minuscule. Right. Yeah. It doesn't even compare.
00:37:10.040
Absolutely. And we can't even scratch the surface in a half an hour conversation. And so if, uh,
00:37:16.920
if men are listening to this and they've got it in their hearts to be better fathers and they want
00:37:21.840
to do something about it, how do they connect with you? How do they reach out to you and learn more
00:37:25.080
about what you're doing with the good dad? Absolutely. So you can find our, my website at
00:37:29.600
good dad project.com. Um, that is where the podcast is blog. If you email me, I am, I am anal about
00:37:37.820
the email. I will reply to every single email that is sent in. We get a lot of them. Cool.
00:37:42.600
Um, so the connection that people will get is actually a very personal connection. Also on
00:37:48.420
Facebook, you can, you can search good dad project. You'll, we'll pop right up. We're on
00:37:52.620
Twitter as well. Uh, I just got on Instagram. So it's good dad project on Instagram, good dad
00:37:57.080
project on Twitter. Um, I have a book that's coming out here soon. It'll probably be released
00:38:01.820
September 1st on Amazon. It's called the dad's edge, which is, uh, nine simple strategies to
00:38:07.440
achieve, to achieve unlimited patients, uh, connect, improve relationships and positive lasting
00:38:13.340
memories. And, uh, I also have an online course actually on, on a, uh, site called Udemy, which
00:38:19.480
is called the dad's edge as well, which we, uh, it's, it's gone over extremely well. We've had a lot
00:38:24.000
of people take it and it's, it's only 38 minutes long. I tried to make it as powerful as impactful for
00:38:29.020
a father who's busy. So that's how you can connect with me is, is on all of those platforms.
00:38:34.660
Awesome. And so we'll be able to make a show, uh, links to on our show notes page to all of those
00:38:39.420
resources so we can connect with you. And then, um, you and I have talked a little bit about
00:38:43.260
working together in some capacity in the future. So we'll make sure everybody has an idea of how
00:38:47.660
that's going to work and what that looks like and how it's going to be advantageous for them.
00:38:50.800
So Larry, I know you're busy. You've got a full-time job. You've got three kids. I appreciate you
00:38:55.680
taking some time out of your day to, to share some of your wisdom with us.
00:38:58.320
It's my pleasure, man. And again, it was great having you on the show. I love what you're doing.
00:39:02.720
Um, it's just, you know, you, you've, you've taken a lot of the things that I think, uh, men are
00:39:07.300
really, really, really want, you know, they, they really desire a lot of the, a lot of the, uh, the
00:39:12.500
pillars that you, that you've made the order of man around. So it's great to always connect with
00:39:16.800
someone who, who's on a similar mission. So, I mean, you know, kudos to you as well, Ryan.
00:39:21.340
Looking forward to getting to know you and your business better as we move forward.
00:39:24.880
All right, guys, there you go. Some great insights and some great resources for you to
00:39:28.920
help you become the father you were meant to be. Go check out some of Larry's resources. I know that
00:39:33.560
you will be glad that you did. I've checked them out personally, and I can tell you it's some great
00:39:37.340
information for us as fathers. Also be sure to head to order of man.com slash zero to five for the show
00:39:43.320
notes today. And also the links on some of the things that we addressed in our conversation.
00:39:46.580
If you did enjoy the show and, or you learn something new again, head over to order of man.com
00:39:52.700
slash iTunes, show us some support for the show by leaving a rating review. I will try to read your
00:39:57.520
review in an upcoming show. If you leave one for us, Facebook guys, join our exclusive group at
00:40:03.340
facebook.com slash groups slash order of man. Join in the conversation we're having about manliness and
00:40:08.980
masculinity. We want as many guys there as possible next week. We will be having a conversation with a
00:40:14.960
fellow podcasters in the same space as order of man. Him and I started our podcast about the same
00:40:20.200
time, and he is absolutely blown up with his show and blog. He's has started multiple seven figure
00:40:26.160
businesses. He's someone I consider a mentor and he sits down with me to talk about what it means to
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be a man and how he has had so much success in his life. So make sure to subscribe to our podcast.
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So you don't miss that show or any of the shows that we put out guys. I look forward to talking with
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you next week. But until then, take action and become the man you were meant to be.
00:40:46.120
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
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and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.