Order of Man - OoM 030： Becoming a Real Man and Helping Others do the Same with JuVan Langford

00:00:00.000 Men, myself included, have a tendency to focus outside of themselves. What do I have to get done?

00:00:04.760 Who's relying on me? What do they need from me right now? And while those are noble thoughts

00:00:08.780 and ambitions, it's very difficult to sustain for any measurable amount of time without first

00:00:13.600 working on ourselves. My guest today shares how when we take care of ourselves first and the right

00:00:18.520 way, we will be in the best position to help others. You're a man of action. You live life

00:00:23.900 to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path. When life knocks you down,

00:00:28.780 you get back up one more time, every time. You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged,

00:00:35.320 resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become

00:00:41.100 at the end of the day. And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:47.060 What's going on, guys? Ryan Michler here with Order of Man. Thanks again for tuning in this week.

00:00:51.040 I don't care if you're a first-time listener or if you have listened to all 30 episodes to date.

00:00:56.280 I am so glad that you're here and you're visiting with us today. We've got such a powerful episode

00:01:00.220 lined up from my friend, Mr. Javon Lankford about what it means to be a man and why you should learn

00:01:04.980 to take care of yourself so that you can show up in a big, big way for others. But before we get

00:01:09.880 into that, I want to make sure that I thank all of those who left a iTunes review last week. I read

00:01:15.060 each and every one of those and I consider every single one an honor that you would take time out

00:01:20.060 of your day and give me a thank you or an insight that you have about the show means a ton to me.

00:01:24.880 Man 1167 says, Order of Man answers so many questions I have been struggling with and I

00:01:30.880 highly recommend you check this podcast out. So thank you, Man 1167. I appreciate that.

00:01:35.980 If you haven't left your review yet, you can do that at orderofman.com slash iTunes and I would

00:01:41.160 appreciate it if you did. Now, one last reminder. I mentioned last week the Thrive Conference.

00:01:45.940 We're going to be holding the Thrive Conference this week with guys like Wesley Chapman,

00:01:50.100 Lewis Howes, John Lee Dumas, James Altucher, Robert Herjavec, Jordan Harbinger. There's so

00:01:55.360 many guys there talking about leadership and entrepreneurship. You do not want to miss that.

00:02:00.080 I'm going to be down there and I've got a huge discount available for you up to 70% off.

00:02:05.060 So if you go to Thrive Las Vegas and you can use one of two codes, the first code is Brotherhood

00:02:10.100 197. You'll get one ticket plus a companion ticket for $197. It's a huge, huge savings.

00:02:17.380 And then if you use Brotherhood 397, you'll get a VIP ticket for $397. It's a huge savings. Again,

00:02:24.700 guys, we're also going to be doing an Order of Man meetup while we're down there with some of the

00:02:29.300 guys. So I hope that I'll see you there. I hope that you will join us down there. Let me know if

00:02:33.220 you have any questions on that. Now, you know this already, but all the show notes, the links,

00:02:37.220 the best quotes, all of that information can be found at orderofman.com slash 030. Now let me

00:02:43.580 introduce you to my guest, Javon Lankford. Javon is a former foster youth turned male teen

00:02:49.400 advocate. He lost his father when he was a baby to leukemia. His mother battled with substance abuse,

00:02:54.460 and then he was legally adopted by the age of four. He was raised in an area known for gang

00:02:58.900 violence and drug abuse. And Javon was surrounded by many, many examples of what not to do. I think

00:03:05.280 a lot of us can relate to that. Fortunate enough to have some powerful men show up and take a stand for

00:03:09.320 his life. He now calls those guys mentors. Javon was given the tools to break the cycles of drug

00:03:14.180 addiction and financial problems that he had in his family. Today, Javon is mentored by some of the

00:03:18.900 most influential men in the world. He travels the globe sharing his story and working with young men

00:03:23.540 and young women to see beyond their current circumstances. You can check out his work at

00:03:27.960 JavonLankford.com, TheMentor.com, or his YouTube series, Thought Life. Javon, thanks for joining me on the

00:03:34.560 show today. Glad you're here, man. Thanks for having me, brother. Hey, so I want to talk about a little bit

00:03:39.040 about your background and your backstory and why you're doing some of the things you're doing with

00:03:42.560 Thought Life and then also TheMentor, which we'll get into. But why don't you tell us a little bit

00:03:45.840 about your background, if you would? Absolutely. I'm originally from the East Coast, born and bred

00:03:49.260 outside of Boston in a city called Worcester, Massachusetts, and had a really interesting

00:03:55.380 upbringing, as most of us men have. At the age of three, Ryan, my father passed away. He had leukemia,

00:04:01.120 unfortunately. He was diagnosed. And within six months of his diagnosis, he passed away.

00:04:05.860 And so my mother, she's a teenage mother, and she unfortunately started drinking and drugging, 1.00

00:04:11.840 and it resulted in me and my sisters being put in foster care. So I got raised in the foster care

00:04:16.360 system, luckily, by an amazing and phenomenal woman, my mother's mother, my grandmother. And

00:04:23.220 she made a lot of sacrifices and put us in great schools and made sure she loved on us. And she fed 1.00

00:04:27.940 us well and treated us with the utmost respect and really called us forward every day. And so I

00:04:32.820 found myself very fortunate and blessed for that. And then I kind of went to high school,

00:04:36.240 played sports, and between freshman and sophomore year, grew from like 5'8 to about 6'3 and

00:04:42.420 became a basketball player and started playing sports. And so I found a lot of escape within

00:04:48.120 sports. But unfortunately, I kind of lost myself a little bit of identity crisis and was on this

00:04:52.800 athletic strike. I think a lot of men, we fall into something, right, some type of activity.

00:04:56.580 We find ourselves there. But I began finding my worth when I was winning and then feeling kind

00:05:02.900 of down and out and kind of depressed when I wasn't playing. So that was a very interesting

00:05:08.560 experience. And then kind of transitioned from high school to college and got an academic

00:05:12.820 scholarship to go to Skidmore College. And I played basketball for them as well. Studied business

00:05:17.340 and Spanish up there and had a really good time on that journey as well. But I am doing the work

00:05:23.260 that I'm doing, Ryan, in short, because my father was not there. And there are a lot of young men in

00:05:28.600 this world who have that same experience for one reason or another, whether it's because of drugs,

00:05:33.720 whether it's because of death, whether it's because of choice. Fathers are absent, period.

00:05:39.460 And that has such a great impact on these young men, just to have someone show up for you,

00:05:45.080 just to be there, a mentor, no matter what, is so crucial and critical in that time period for

00:05:53.060 young men. And so I know, having had these phenomenal men show up in my life and to support

00:05:59.020 me on the journey, just strategically, just being there to pat me on the back, whether it was a

00:06:02.960 coach or it was a school teacher or a boyfriend of my mother or a friend of the family, there was

00:06:09.220 always someone there. And I truly believe a big part of that is because of my dad, him not being

00:06:13.640 here. And I think even more recently, I'm realizing I feel like my dad agreed to leave so that he could

00:06:19.520 support me from a spiritual standpoint and to really send these people into my life who could

00:06:24.760 really influence me in the journey that I'm on at the moment. Are there some specific things that

00:06:30.700 you think affected you in your life? I know a lot of the guys listening have probably heard my story

00:06:36.280 and know that I don't have a permanent father figure in my life as I was growing up either.

00:06:39.500 Are there some things specifically that you can think of that affected, that that had an impact on

00:06:44.800 your childhood as you were being raised? Absolutely. I was raised by my grandmother,

00:06:49.660 who was a woman. I am the oldest and the only boy of five. So I have four younger sisters and not

00:06:56.880 having a male presence in the house had an incredible impact on how I showed up in the world.

00:07:02.280 And what I mean by that is it was very much in my feminine a lot of the time. And so bringing that

00:07:07.920 into the school setting, a young man, a tall guy who operates out of his feminine, there's a lot of

00:07:12.520 teasing that takes place. So I experienced a lot of bullying per se in a very interesting way because

00:07:19.020 some people were supporters of me from an athletic standpoint. But outside of that, I kind of felt

00:07:24.340 alone. I only kind of, like I said, I found my worth in sports. So when I wasn't playing sports,

00:07:29.820 I didn't feel connected to my peers. And that's very hard, especially during junior high and high

00:07:35.240 school time for these young guys. Yeah, I bet. So that's nice that you were able to find that escape

00:07:40.000 and get some of that masculinity, I guess, back into your life through sports, which is very similar

00:07:43.880 to me. I started playing football and that was a huge escape for me. What are some of the differences

00:07:48.440 or the lessons that you learned when you started to be around other men, your peers, coaches, those

00:07:53.300 sorts of things compared to with what you had grown up with? Well, naturally, you know, as you go through

00:07:57.340 puberty, your voice begins to change and you grow hair on your chest and on your face. And you begin

00:08:03.960 to realize that your body is expanding in a different way and that you're showing up differently

00:08:09.580 and you're outgrowing your clothes. And I had to start watching people. I became an observant person.

00:08:15.960 I became a generous listener to the men around me and what they would say, how they would carry

00:08:19.600 themselves. And I really just taught myself how to be a man. I would make sure my voice was deep

00:08:25.440 enough when I communicated. That way, you know, I would try to make eye contact as long as I could.

00:08:30.780 And I would try to wear my clothes a certain way. And I would, you know, just just everything

00:08:36.000 around communicating mentally, physically was really trying to embody what I saw.

00:08:42.320 And how did you what are some of the lessons that you took from the court? Because I know

00:08:46.520 with me, I've learned a lot of lessons about life through sports. Are there some specific

00:08:50.840 lessons that you've learned that you've since applied in your life?

00:08:54.060 Man, sports has truly been such a gift to me in so many levels, especially when it comes

00:08:59.920 to life lessons. I would say that the greatest lesson I learned through sport is that there's

00:09:06.360 always, always another way to win. And what I mean by that, if I could reframe that, I would say

00:09:14.220 you can always learn to win another way. You know, basketball, playing sports is a game of runs. And

00:09:20.020 sometimes you're down 10 points and there's two minutes on the clock. But if you really put in

00:09:25.060 the work and you take the time and you focus and you're dedicated, you can truly win, you know,

00:09:29.900 you can truly win any game.

00:09:31.660 Right. Yeah. So much adaptability. And I think that's what's pretty cool, especially as we

00:09:35.200 develop with technology and the web and how many different ways there are to do one thing and be

00:09:40.740 successful in your life and create the kind of life that you want. And yeah, I've learned the same

00:09:44.660 things from the football field as well. So I'm right on board with that. So from your experience,

00:09:50.400 what do you see the men, because I know you work with a lot of young men and that's your focus is

00:09:55.160 primarily working with the youth. And so what are some of the experiences in general that they're

00:10:00.320 having that young men are really struggling with right now? And then I've got a follow-up question

00:10:05.220 to that after you answer that one. I mean, these young boys who are in school right now, who are

00:10:09.900 experiencing so many, I mean, unfortunate, so much of the backlash of not having a father and not

00:10:18.020 having that masculine energy, you know, someone to look up to, someone to speak with, someone to

00:10:23.080 communicate with on a consistent basis and to pour into you. It truly affects a lot of different

00:10:28.920 parts. And it's different for everybody, of course, because there are some mothers who step up to the

00:10:32.640 plate and they wear several hats. Like my grandmother, for instance, she was mom, she was 0.96

00:10:36.920 dad, she was cousin, she was brother, she was sister, she was friend, she was mentor. She wore so many

00:10:42.000 hats. She did a very, very good job at that. But it definitely impacts us in different ways. And for me

00:10:47.440 personally, I can really only speak from my point, standpoint, what I truly believe was the

00:10:54.560 difference was that my grandmother never called me out. She never made me wrong. She always called

00:11:01.380 me forward. And I always valued that about her. And I think if more men were called forward by one

00:11:08.440 another, that this world would be a different place. And I think these young boys are in school

00:11:13.600 and there's no one there, no one stepping up, no one showing up to call them forward, to invite them

00:11:19.580 to step into manhood, to provide them with the tools that they need to go to the next level.

00:11:24.820 And so that disconnect, that lack of information to take them from where they are right now to where

00:11:29.840 it is that they truly desire to be is absent altogether. It's almost non-existent. And so a lot

00:11:35.900 of the work that I'm doing right now is dedicated to showing up first and foremost, being vulnerable,

00:11:41.240 being authentic, sharing my story, and providing a safe space for these young boys to share what

00:11:48.100 their battles are, what their challenges are, so they can break through those stories and then they

00:11:52.400 can have what they came for. They can show up powerfully in this world, you know, and support

00:11:56.880 these women. Because when we have empowered women, as you know, Ryan, any and everything is possible.

00:12:02.300 Of course. Of course. And I love that concept of call forward. Sometimes I wonder a little bit,

00:12:10.160 though, there's a lot of men who don't seem like they've taken the steps, adult men that have taken

00:12:15.720 the steps to be where they are, to even be in the position of supporting the youth. Do you agree

00:12:20.520 with that or disagree with that?

00:12:21.760 I'm in complete alignment. I feel that there are a lot of men who are in need of healing. And because

00:12:28.820 they're not healed themselves, they don't have the tools to turn back and to become men. And so it's

00:12:33.640 up to us men to do the work, to do the inner work, to do the transformation, the stuff that you're doing

00:12:38.240 here, Ryan, with this podcast, Order of Men, this is a prime example. You don't have all the answers,

00:12:43.000 but you're taking the leap of faith. You're putting in the time and the energy and effort to connect with

00:12:48.120 other men so that you can break through your stories and turn around and to mentor others like

00:12:53.280 myself. So it's not that that's an issue. But if we focus on that, on what the problem is,

00:12:59.420 you know, for example, someone asked me, Javon, have you ever been on tour before? No, this is the

00:13:04.060 first time I'm, you know, I'm really excited about what I'm going to create and who I'm going to

00:13:08.860 connect with and the boys will be impacted and transformed as a result. I said, well, what makes

00:13:13.660 you feel that you're qualified?

00:13:15.820 Right. Yeah, I get that a lot.

00:13:16.860 You know, I had to stop for a second, Ryan. I said, hmm, if every man waited until he was qualified

00:13:22.300 to take action, there would be no world. There would be no USA. There would be no government.

00:13:29.240 There'd be no money. It's not about being qualified. It's not about having everything

00:13:33.580 right now. It's about taking what you do have and passing that lesson on because you may not have

00:13:38.660 every lesson, but if you can pass a lesson on to somebody, then you are taking the necessary steps,

00:13:43.860 you know? Right. Yeah. And as a man, if you can even be a catalyst for some of those actions or a

00:13:48.560 catalyst for progress, I'm totally on board with that. I've run into the same

00:13:52.080 discussions and same conversations that, yeah, I don't have it all figured out, but let's figure

00:13:55.940 it out together. Why do you think men, because you talked about communities, right? Guys getting

00:14:01.180 together, figuring this stuff out, working together. But I think that it's probably one of the

00:14:06.420 weaknesses that we have as men is to get together in a community and hash through these things

00:14:11.740 together. Do you agree with that? And then if so, how do we deal with that? How do we overcome

00:14:16.800 that so we can all be successful? I do. I'm definitely aligned with that statement. I feel

00:14:22.040 that even deeper, what's happening here is that we all recognize in order to be in a room full of

00:14:28.820 men, you know, facilitating these workshops with these boys on the mentor right now, there's a

00:14:33.740 different energy in when it's all men. You know, it's completely different and it requires such a deep 0.61

00:14:40.000 level of vulnerability to really go there, to really share vulnerably where you are, who you are.

00:14:47.860 Unfortunately, we've been trained as men to not be emotional, you know, to be disconnected,

00:14:54.420 to hold face, to save face. And it doesn't work. It just doesn't work. And so what I've learned is

00:15:01.220 that there's a lot of freedom and transparency. And so instead of sitting here waiting for who's going

00:15:07.240 to talk and who's going to share and who's going to be the first to say that they were abused and

00:15:11.820 who's going to be the first to say that their father hit them, who's going to be the first to

00:15:15.040 say that they don't have money or don't have a home or don't have certain things. Because let me tell

00:15:20.860 you what happens, Ryan, when the first man steps up to the plate and shares, there's a shift.

00:15:27.680 There's a shift that takes place. And men receive what I call an invitation to share.

00:15:34.200 Mm hmm. And then like this, this whole, it's like the mountains move and the river roars. And

00:15:40.240 it's just, it's an amazing, amazing experience. I know you've done work with men as well. But I

00:15:46.140 truly believe that what's standing in the gap for us men is us thinking that there's no strength in

00:15:51.720 vulnerability. And that's when we're most powerful. When we are vulnerable, when we truly stand in

00:15:57.240 vulnerability and we share from an authentic place, it invites other men to do the same. And when we

00:16:02.880 come together, there's so much more as possible. Sometimes it sounds really easy just to say,

00:16:07.800 hey, be vulnerable. Are there some specific things that men can do? Because I totally agree with you

00:16:12.560 that we need to do that. And the more I've done that in my life, the more that I've been an impact,

00:16:16.520 had an impact in others' lives and the more that my life has been impacted. So I think a lot of guys

00:16:21.400 are on board with that. But how do we do that? Like what's the very first step or what's the very first

00:16:25.480 thought process that we need to change in order to realize that this is probably the most powerful

00:16:31.040 position we can come from as men? Well, you know, it takes a lot of unlearning, actually.

00:16:35.920 It's not really to learn. We need to unlearn what has been taught to us. And that takes a lot of

00:16:41.180 mental grooming. I love that. I love that term, mental grooming, when you take the time to kind of

00:16:46.560 go through the files in your mind and say, what is working for me? Is this serving me? If part of me

00:16:53.660 is saying I don't want to share this, then there's something good there. That's the good stuff.

00:16:57.640 So you got to go there and you got to really identify why does that one thing have control

00:17:03.100 over you? And then reframe it. The reframing, a lot of life has to do with reframing. When we have

00:17:10.660 something that's not working and you reframe it in a way that it serves you and it no longer hurts you,

00:17:15.860 then you become more open to sharing that thing. Chances are, if we're battling something, Ryan,

00:17:20.580 we're not alone.

00:17:21.560 Right. Tell me a little bit about The Mentor because I've looked into that a little bit and

00:17:26.940 I love what you're doing. I'd like to know a little bit more about what your mission there

00:17:31.160 is and some of the successes and the things that you're doing with The Mentor.

00:17:34.860 Of course. Well, The Mentor, for those who are listening, is a national male teen empowerment

00:17:39.640 tour that's launching the 2015-2016 academic school year. It's starting in California in the

00:17:46.360 month of October. And we're going to be traveling throughout the U.S. throughout the school

00:17:49.920 year, basically facilitating a developmental workshop that focuses on ushering young boys

00:17:55.320 from their transition and providing them with tools and tips on how to transition from boyhood

00:18:00.720 to manhood. So we've got a lot of men. We have some guys from the NFL, some actors. We have a lot

00:18:06.220 of entrepreneurs who are joining us on tour and we'll be participating on the tour and really

00:18:11.220 furnishing these men with information and supporting them and reframing a lot of their stories so that

00:18:16.920 they can break through and they can show up powerfully in school and become academically

00:18:21.620 sound students. And they can have better relationships at home with their parents or those

00:18:27.060 who are raising them their guardians. So we're really excited about it. How it came about, Ryan,

00:18:31.940 I was invited in April to Dominican Republic to be a speaker to an orphanage to a couple hundred

00:18:38.280 kids. And I arrived there and what was supposed to be 200 to 300 kids ended up being 1,000 kids

00:18:44.840 on the island. And the last, I was there for about 10 days and the last five days we got to really

00:18:49.560 work with the kids one-on-one and the boys were just really gravitating towards me for some reason.

00:18:55.280 And they're talking to me and they're sharing their stories about their parents and how much

00:18:59.060 they're, you know, they're struggling financially and, but they're just still happy and they're still,

00:19:03.420 you know, really encouraging one another and really loving on one another and just come from a

00:19:08.060 heart place, a heart-centered place. And when I got to the airport to return to the U.S., I found myself

00:19:13.760 standing in line and I just broke down crying. Like I was, as I was boarding the plane and I was

00:19:19.960 really trying to figure out what, what is this emotion? And I realized that there's so much

00:19:23.420 healing. There's so much healing. There's so many homeless places with inside of men that we are

00:19:30.240 refusing to go to and to spend time there and to share vulnerably and to break through and to reframe

00:19:36.700 it so that we are not carrying this with us from boyhood into manhood. You know, if we can reframe

00:19:42.480 these things right now, what more is possible in this world for us? And so when I returned,

00:19:48.840 I spoke to some mentors and shared and said, I really want to work with men. Like how do I create

00:19:52.820 a platform for men? I want to go deeper. I want to do more work. It came in the form of a developmental

00:19:58.520 workshop and we focus on, you know, talking about, we have an activity called ABC, Adversities, Beliefs,

00:20:04.040 and Consequences, where we work with the boys and we talk about their adversities and they share about

00:20:09.740 their home life and their school life and their greatest challenges. They stand up and the boys

00:20:13.980 are looking like, wow, me too, me too. And just like the synergy in the room is really phenomenal.

00:20:18.520 And then we talk about their beliefs about their adversities and about, well, because my mother hurt

00:20:23.400 me, this is what I believe about myself. This is what I believe about my mother. And then we talk

00:20:27.300 about the consequences. What are the prices that these boys are paying by believing this way?

00:20:32.220 And then we reframe it and the breakthroughs that take place in the room are just phenomenal.

00:20:36.080 So that's just like one of the activities that we do with the boys. And it's really taken

00:20:41.220 storm. We facilitated it in May and we got a lot of positive feedback from the teachers

00:20:47.440 and superintendents and they've asked us to return. And now they've kind of spread the

00:20:51.520 word and we're going from California to New York starting the school year. So we're really

00:20:56.160 excited about that and looking for people to join on board and to become ambassadors for

00:21:00.640 the tour. Looking for sponsors. We got a huge title sponsor working with us right now. It's

00:21:06.640 a phenomenal company by the name of Trendy Butler. You guys should definitely check them out. They're

00:21:10.420 really focused on customizing lifestyles for men. And so they saw a lot of value in what we were

00:21:14.460 creating. And also looking for people to sponsor board. You visit the website, the mentor, T-O-U-R.com

00:21:21.200 and check it out. But we're really excited. And we just thank you for inviting us on the platform,

00:21:25.780 Ryan, to really share this message. Because in this moment, I want to call forward all men

00:21:32.280 to step up to the plate and to find something, to find a young man who may be your son or who may be

00:21:38.300 your nephew or just a boy in the neighborhood and to pour into them and to know that it's an

00:21:43.400 opportunity for you to pay it forward. Absolutely. What do you think? I'm really curious because you've

00:21:48.560 been doing this for a little while now and it sounds like you've gone through some classes. I'm really

00:21:51.820 curious what separates the boys who are having breakthroughs and are able to continue that

00:21:56.560 trend versus those that maybe fall back into some of the same patterns prior to going through these

00:22:02.740 courses and these workshops. Is there a difference? And what is it if you see that difference?

00:22:07.200 You know, there are some boys who are oppressed and very much stuck in their way because it's been

00:22:14.520 so ingrained in them that they don't matter, that they're not loved, that no one is willing to

00:22:21.380 show up for them. And so to see strangers come into the classroom and to share that they care

00:22:27.040 about them and that they want to be here and here's my email or here's my number or here's how

00:22:31.020 you can communicate with me, it's almost unreal. It's surreal for them. Then there are some boys who

00:22:36.380 have this desire to have, you know, a male guidance. They really want to be affirmed by men. They want

00:22:44.340 that connection and they show up. And so we really focus on working with everybody. We're there for

00:22:50.580 everybody, but we also respect the processes of the boys in the room. We don't want to violate,

00:22:56.360 we don't want to interrupt or to cause, you know, or deepen the wound. But we just want to let them

00:23:03.240 know that we're there. And let me tell you something, Ryan, I wish I could solve every

00:23:07.020 boy's problem. I wish I could transform every boy. But, you know, based on results and based on

00:23:12.200 statistics, you can't get everybody. But I know that by us traveling and standing and just if we

00:23:20.580 only showed up, we've played our part. And that's what I really think is important for everyone to

00:23:25.960 understand. It's not like you got to go out here and you got to pick up, you know, kids all the time

00:23:29.960 and you got to pour and give money away. It's just show up. Sometimes just being there, your presence

00:23:34.980 speaks volumes. That's really what we try to focus on. And that's where I really remind the guys

00:23:39.460 because sometimes, you know, you get there, you get connected and you meet these young guys and

00:23:42.360 you're like, well, I just want Michael to get it. Michael just doesn't get it. And, you know,

00:23:46.100 I'm doing the best I can, you know, that's Michael's process. And all you can do is all you can do.

00:23:52.320 And all you can do is enough. So how, I mean, I've obviously we're going to send people over to

00:23:57.480 the mentor.com, right? That's, that's the web address, the mentor.com. Yes. So we're going to send

00:24:01.900 them there. But how else do you suggest that men who feel like they want to give back and they want to be

00:24:07.320 part of their community outside of maybe even just fatherhood? What are some of the things that

00:24:11.800 those men can do in their communities to, to have some of the same outreach and success that you guys

00:24:16.340 are having? There are so many organizations out there, um, that are, are building from the ground

00:24:21.820 up right now. I think that there's, it's starting to become a lot more evident with all the crime

00:24:26.040 that's taking place. Um, like I'm from central Massachusetts and I got a call this morning that

00:24:32.240 a young boy was shot and this is like the fifth or sixth young boy in the last 60 days that has been

00:24:37.040 shot in my city. And that was never the case really when I was growing up. And so there's a lot

00:24:42.000 of crime, a lot of confusion, uh, within the communities right now, when it comes to men,

00:24:47.440 I think if more men stood up and really manned up and to support these young boys, there'll be fewer

00:24:54.300 men down altogether. Um, and so I would say, Google it. We're in the 20 or in the 21st century, you know,

00:25:00.840 the men, male organizations, there's an organization that we're working with right now called

00:25:05.160 Brother to Brother. There's an organization called Saab, um, S-A-A-B, um, national.org.

00:25:11.860 These organizations that are, you know, they have over 300 chapters across the U.S. who are,

00:25:17.520 who take, who take a stand for male academic success, uh, male achievement, emotional, uh, and social,

00:25:23.320 uh, development, um, and just volunteering. I'm, I'm also a mentor of the Tiger Woods Foundation here

00:25:28.720 in Anaheim, California. I have a mentee. We work with, uh, several kids within the inner city schools. I

00:25:34.180 have met kids in my neighborhood that I take out to eat. There's always something you can do.

00:25:38.540 Um, but if you, if you step into that and you truly want that and you call that forward,

00:25:42.240 the boys will always show up. Yeah. Yeah. There's plenty, plenty of young men to go around that need

00:25:47.160 help for sure. I know for me, just in our community, even outside of some of the things that you

00:25:51.360 mentioned, football coaching, baseball, any, any coaching opportunities are a big opportunity to

00:25:57.720 serve those young men. Um, I serve young men in our church and also then in scouts. And so those

00:26:02.940 three organizations, you can look right there to be able to get involved as well. And those are

00:26:06.840 powerful resources as well for me. I want to go back to what you said, where you identified

00:26:11.880 or you're based your self-worth on whether you were winning in sports and losing in sports. And

00:26:16.940 obviously that's not healthy. Something that you've overcome. How have you overcome that? And then,

00:26:22.400 and, and change the way you think about your self-worth. It doesn't, it doesn't pertain to you,

00:26:27.360 whether you win or lose. Tell me about that a little bit.

00:26:29.420 Well, I, I went to Skidmore college in upstate New York. I'm a thoroughbred,

00:26:33.380 go thoroughbreds. Um, I, I played basketball for them all four years and, uh, there was some coach

00:26:39.160 changes while I was there and my junior year, I realized I was informed that I had an opportunity

00:26:44.140 to study abroad. It was a part of my scholarship and I had to make a very tough decision to, to go

00:26:49.480 abroad and live in a foreign country for a semester or two, um, and miss, you know, my senior year of

00:26:56.980 basketball or I get to stay and I get to just say, Hey, it was a great experience. I chose sports

00:27:02.360 and it was a very tough decision for me. I sat down and spoke with my coach about it. Um, and he told

00:27:08.260 me, you know, I could sit here and tell you that I want you to stay. Um, but this is a life decision

00:27:12.060 that you get to make for yourself. Um, and so I sat down and it was a very, very, one of the probably

00:27:17.940 one of the most challenging decisions that I ever made, but the best decision I ever made. And I chose to

00:27:22.600 go abroad, right? In that moment, what I realized was that sports had been an avenue. It had been a

00:27:27.840 platform for me to learn and grow personally, you know, to develop my mind, to develop my heart

00:27:33.900 as a person, as a man. Uh, I learned so many lessons, life lessons through sports. Um, but I also knew

00:27:40.160 after a while that this wasn't the end game for me, that there was more to this story than just sports

00:27:45.560 that I wasn't going to just be an athlete. I love arts. I love entertainment. I love poetry. I love movies.

00:27:51.380 I love writing. I love so many other things outside of sports that I never really explored

00:27:55.960 because I was so busy trying to be a man by being an athlete. And so I finally, you know,

00:28:03.200 got the courage to, to make a decision for me that I got to live my life for me and to be able to be

00:28:09.400 bilingual and speak Spanish and to go abroad and live in Spain and travel and explore and really

00:28:14.400 see what my survival skills were like. Um, it was one of the greatest decisions I met of my life.

00:28:19.360 And I've met a lot of people on that journey and, um, it served me in so many ways now, you know,

00:28:25.020 at 27 years old, I feel so, uh, well-rounded and I feel very, very cultured. And I feel like I'm

00:28:33.260 able to communicate with people of different backgrounds, different races. I'm able to

00:28:37.620 adjust and adapt when it comes to different trials and tribulations in life. Um, and a lot of that is

00:28:42.440 attributed to, you know, being able to go abroad and to see something different and making a choice

00:28:47.100 to do something different so I can have something different. And that has truly been my experience.

00:28:53.160 What are some of the most maybe difficult moments or the hardest obstacles that you had to overcome

00:28:58.240 as you were traveling abroad?

00:28:59.900 Wow. Well, when I first got to Spain, the first 60 days were probably the hardest because

00:29:06.060 I spoke a little bit of Spanish, but I was having to communicate with people. And it was very

00:29:11.540 challenging because I'm, I'm very, uh, I consider myself to be personable. I love to connect with

00:29:16.260 people. And I'm a, I'm a funny guy sometimes when it comes to connecting and I wasn't, I wasn't able

00:29:19.900 to translate into the language.

00:29:22.120 Yeah. Right. The humor wasn't quite there.

00:29:24.340 Yeah. And it was like very hard. People were looking at me like I was crazy and I just wanted

00:29:28.280 to kind of, you know, make friends. And that was very challenging for me. But other than that,

00:29:33.480 it was an adventure. It was truly an adventure. I've been lucky enough, like I said, to have a

00:29:38.080 phenomenal grandmother who, who taught me to, to take every opportunity as an opportunity to be 0.97

00:29:45.320 an opportunity. And so I was just there and I was just going with the flow. I was completely

00:29:49.800 in flow and when something would happen, I would get lost in the bus. I would just turn around,

00:29:53.640 get on the other bus and like, you know, meet people and connect and, and just be open to what

00:29:57.880 was showing up. What are some of the things that you did to actually get yourself outside of the

00:30:03.400 comfort zone? Cause I know I get really comfortable in life and obviously nothing happens when we're in

00:30:08.600 that comfort zone. How did you push yourself outside of that? So you can have some of those

00:30:13.120 successes in life or abroad? Both. I'd love to know, you know, any examples that you have. I think

00:30:19.340 it'd be beneficial for us listening. Wow. Well, I'd say for life, which is perhaps the most important

00:30:26.860 thing. I've definitely experienced a lot of obstacles. Losing my father was an obstacle that

00:30:31.800 I didn't even realize now until last year. I was a part of this amazing transformational experience

00:30:37.700 called MITT mastery and transformation training. Um, and I call it like an emotional intelligence

00:30:43.420 bootcamp. And I went through this a hundred days of transformation. And during one of the exercises,

00:30:48.380 I was, uh, creating an experience of being with my father for the first time. And in that experience,

00:30:55.200 I was, I was running in a field of grass and my arms are just, you know, hitting the sides of my

00:31:00.000 rib cages and I'm running as fast as I can. And I'm in this field and I keep turning around every so

00:31:04.500 often and I see him and I turn around every so often and I'll see him again. And then he throws

00:31:08.220 a football at me and I grab it with my hands and I fall, but I don't fall into grass. I fell into

00:31:13.740 the ocean and then I'm swimming, Ryan. I'm swimming and I'm stroking my arms back and forth. And my dad's

00:31:18.660 running and he runs to the shore and I look back again and he stops and he's not getting in the water

00:31:23.080 and I'm swimming. I'm like, dad, dad. And he doesn't get water. And then I just start to fall down

00:31:28.820 into the ocean. And I come out of this experience and I realized that my father will never be here

00:31:35.160 with me, with me physically. And at the age of 26 was the first time I actually broke down

00:31:41.920 and acknowledged and mourned for my father. And I, what I realized in that moment was that

00:31:49.440 although he was not here with me physically, Ryan, and he, you know, my biology, he wasn't in the

00:31:55.180 picture. It didn't stop him from playing a significant role in my life. In fact, my deepest

00:32:00.160 truth is that much of what I've accomplished in life, I truly believe is due to his support.

00:32:05.200 So let me explain. It wasn't until I acknowledged his physical absence that I became familiar with

00:32:13.080 his spiritual presence. So he's always been with me. And so a lot of the things that I experience in

00:32:18.200 life, I feel him with me, you know? And I think there are a lot of men who don't have their father

00:32:23.060 in their lives, whether it's by choice or it's by fate, but just reframing those stories about

00:32:28.680 ourselves and our family and our friends so that they support us on the journey is a game changer.

00:32:35.260 So I say that's definitely something that comes to mind is learning, learning that it's all about

00:32:40.900 how I choose to see this. How do you, it sounds like a powerful experience. How do you personally

00:32:47.780 find time to do these things? Because I know I've gotten a lot of feedback from listeners and emails

00:32:53.300 and things like that where guys feel trapped or they're literally on time constraints and they

00:32:58.520 don't have time for retreats or they feel like they don't have time to have these escapes. And

00:33:02.720 to do some of these things that I think we as men neglect, how do you suggest that a man

00:33:07.760 find time and carve time to do some of these things you're talking about, which are important?

00:33:12.240 Well, this may sound slight, but you honestly can't afford not to say those excuses anymore

00:33:19.220 because it's literally costing us. It's costing us life not to take care of ourselves. So what I'm

00:33:27.440 hearing you say, when men say that, I don't have time to support myself. I don't have time to love

00:33:32.360 on myself. I don't have time to be vulnerable, but I have time to be miserable. I have time to not have

00:33:37.380 time. I have time to be stressed. I have time to argue. I have time to do all these other things.

00:33:42.240 So it's a choice. It's ultimately a choice. You have time. It's just what we're choosing to do

00:33:47.500 with that time. And I've just become conscious of who I spend time with, where I spend time,

00:33:54.340 for how long I spend time with those people in those places. And so it's just, it's very simply

00:34:00.600 a choice, Ryan. What are some of the things that you're doing on a daily basis, whether that's a

00:34:06.180 morning or an evening routine or ritual? Because I know we can get on track for a certain period

00:34:12.140 of time. I think everybody can handle that for any length of time. And then we get side railed,

00:34:16.460 right? We get distracted or we get back into the rut that we were in before. Are there some things

00:34:21.320 that you're doing personally to keep you on the right path?

00:34:24.240 For sure. For sure. Routine is definitely important. I'm an entrepreneur, so I'm not in an office

00:34:30.160 nine to five. So I'll start with from the entrepreneur standpoint. For those of you who do have time

00:34:35.440 flexibility, my schedule is that so I wake up about 445, 450 in the morning, and I jump on a 5am call

00:34:43.360 Monday through Friday with a group of guys where we encourage each other, share stories, we pray for

00:34:48.600 each other, we speak vulnerably on what our greatest challenges are. And that's about an hour. I'll get

00:34:53.840 up, drink some water, eat some breakfast, come back to my room. I have a book that I read. I do some

00:34:59.560 reading in the morning. And then I go work out. I get a nice workout in for about 45 minutes, sometimes

00:35:05.120 an hour, hour and a half, depending on the day. And then the rest of the day is dedicated to pouring

00:35:09.380 out. But my day begins with pouring into me. Because what I realized, Ryan, the story that I had is

00:35:15.800 I'll take care of everybody because people don't know how to take care of themselves. Because I'm the

00:35:21.280 savior, because I'm the hero. So I had to make sure I get up in the morning and I iron my cape and I put

00:35:24.980 it on and I was Superman for everybody. And then I was depleted at the end of the day. And then I felt

00:35:29.200 envious and jealous and upset with people. But then I realized I took responsibility for myself

00:35:34.120 and realized that I get to bless people with my overflow. So I get to pour into Javon so much

00:35:41.160 that everybody around me, everybody near me is going to get blessed as well. And so I really think it's

00:35:47.480 important for men to replenish themselves, to pour into themselves and to find people who want to join

00:35:53.460 them on that journey. And it's really about the exchange. So as far as people that I communicate

00:35:58.960 and connect with throughout the day, I connect with those people who are going to uplift me,

00:36:03.720 who are going to pour into me, speak into me. And those who I feel like I can support as well.

00:36:08.160 You want to be around people who are encouraging you, people who care enough about you, to share

00:36:13.400 with you and to be frank sometimes and to be powerful, be a powerful presence in your life.

00:36:19.420 Javon, this has been such a powerful conversation. There's so much we can walk away with. I want to ask

00:36:24.000 you a couple other questions as we wind down. And the first question is, what does it mean to be a

00:36:30.020 man? And to be a man, Ryan, for me, it really boils down to a lot of things. And I talk about

00:36:36.680 this in the workshop on the mentor. I tell the boys, you know, there's being a man and then there's

00:36:43.040 being good at being a man. And what's the difference, guys? Being a man is about character.

00:36:48.040 It's about loyalty. It's the characteristics of a man. Being good at being a man is about performance,

00:36:53.200 how you show up is the competitive edge of a man. And both those things are equally important.

00:36:59.000 One's not more important than the other, although some of us have more of the characteristic side.

00:37:04.840 Some of us have more of the performance side. That's based on how we grew up. But what every

00:37:09.720 man should aim towards, what every man should walk into, and a play on that as an acronym,

00:37:15.180 AIM, is A stands for authenticity. A man is authentic with himself, with those in his life.

00:37:21.720 It's so important. It's so important to show up authentically, because that's what you attract.

00:37:27.340 You attract more of that. The second thing every man should aim towards, the I, is an integrity.

00:37:32.660 It's saying what you mean and mean what you say and knowing that if you can't do something,

00:37:37.260 if you can't be somewhere, that you get to communicate that. You get to be impeccable with

00:37:42.040 your word at all times. And when you are and you recognize it, it's going back and communicating

00:37:49.760 that again, that I was not in integrity. And so I want to stand in integrity in this moment and share

00:37:55.100 with you that this was really the case. The last thing, and really one of the most important things,

00:38:00.220 this applies to men and women, but more specifically men, is maturity.

00:38:04.080 Maturity. Maturity is everything. Maturity says, I was wrong. This is what I'm committed to moving

00:38:12.740 forward. Maturity says, I'll do better. Maturity is vulnerable. It's vulnerability at its greatest,

00:38:20.700 greatest, greatest. And so I really think that a man is someone who is authentic,

00:38:27.480 someone who stands in integrity and operates out of maturity every day of his life.

00:38:32.660 That is such a great definition. We're going to, I couldn't have said it better. So I'm going to

00:38:37.160 leave it right there because that was awesome. Hey, Javon, if someone wants to connect with you,

00:38:42.180 they want to learn more about the mentor or they want to learn about what you're doing or even

00:38:46.160 thought life, which is your YouTube video series, which we didn't get much into. How do we connect

00:38:50.620 with you and reach out to you? Absolutely. Every week, Wednesdays, I upload a brand new video

00:38:55.440 communicating with men, supporting them, mentally grooming them, helping them to get their minds right

00:38:59.740 so they can get their lives in order. And that's called Thought Life, T-H-O-U-G-H-T-L-I-F

00:39:07.080 single E, Thought Life on YouTube, the vlog series. Check it out every Wednesday. I'm there. All my social

00:39:12.200 media links are there. You can communicate with me. I answer every comment that you guys leave. You

00:39:17.500 guys have questions. I answer questions weekly as well. So come check me out. Come visit. Definitely

00:39:22.540 support the mentor. It's a movement. It's taking place right now, probably in a city near you.

00:39:27.960 Thementor.com. Become an ambassador. Support us. We're looking for strategic partnerships still.

00:39:34.720 Any brands that want to jump on board from socks to bow ties, we're looking for you guys to jump

00:39:38.840 on board and support these boys and really support them with the tools necessary so they can have what

00:39:44.340 they came for in this life so that they can live abundantly so that they can be the leaders of

00:39:50.080 tomorrow. Awesome. And again, we'll make sure we have all the links on the show notes so we can

00:39:54.000 connect you guys up. So again, Javon, I really appreciate you taking the time. Thanks for joining

00:39:57.680 us today on Order Man Podcast. Phenomenal. Thank you for all that you're doing, Ryan. I really

00:40:01.200 appreciate you. So, so powerful today, guys. Mr. Javon Lankford, I hope that you took notes or at least

00:40:07.140 that you internalized some of, if not all, the thoughts that Javon shared with us today. The key takeaway

00:40:12.080 for me was that if we want to help others succeed in life, we've got to be prepared individually to be a

00:40:17.340 resource in their lives. That means taking accountability and taking responsibility of

00:40:21.820 our own lives so that again, we can serve others best, which is something that I know a lot of us

00:40:26.020 want to do. Now, make sure that if you want to go to the Thrive Conference with me, you go to

00:40:29.880 ThriveLasVegas.com and you use either Brotherhood197 or Brotherhood397 to claim that discount I talked

00:40:37.700 about earlier and connect with us at our Order of Man meetup. Now, again, if you've enjoyed the show,

00:40:42.720 if you've learned something new, if you want to say thank you, you can do that by heading over to

00:40:47.720 orderofman.com slash iTunes and leave us your rating and review. I would appreciate it if you

00:40:52.820 would do that. Now, I've just lined up two incredible interviews this week that I'm really,

00:40:56.600 really excited about. I know you guys will too. I'm not going to ruin the surprise by telling you who

00:41:00.500 that is. I just want you to tune in. As a man, you will not want to miss these. I promise you. I can

00:41:05.760 guarantee that. Guys, I look forward to talking to you next week, but until then,

00:41:09.620 take action and become the man you were meant to be.

00:41:12.200 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your

00:41:17.740 life and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - October 13, 2015

OoM 030： Becoming a Real Man and Helping Others do the Same with JuVan Langford

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