OoM 033： Why Men are Failing to Launch with Matthew Arrington
Episode Stats
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Summary
We all know a grown man who is stuck living on his parents' basement couch. Maybe it's you, or maybe it's someone you know. My guest today, Matthew Arrington, is here to talk with us about why that is and what we can do about it for ourselves, our friends, and our children.
Transcript
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We all know a grown man who is stuck living on his parents' basement couch.
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Maybe it's you, or maybe it's someone you know,
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but the fact of the matter is that men are failing to launch more and more frequently.
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My guest today, Mr. Matthew Arrington, is here to talk with us about why that is
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and what we can do about it for ourselves, our friends, and our children.
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest.
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Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
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This is who you will become at the end of the day,
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and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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Guys, welcome back to the Order of Man podcast.
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My name is Ryan Michler. I am the host and the founder of Order of Man,
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and as always, I'm glad that you're back here with us today.
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You're probably back to it by now, and I've got a great show lined up for you
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with a personal friend of mine who talks with us about why the failure to launch syndrome
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is becoming more and more frequent in the young men that we see today.
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thanks a ton to those of you who have took the time out of your day to leave us a rating and review.
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If you still haven't done that, there's time. There's always time.
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Please head over to orderofman.com slash iTunes.
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Leave your review, and we'll try to feature that on a future episode.
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And also, as a quick reminder of the community that we're building in our Facebook group.
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We are going to break 1,000 members. I'm stoked about that.
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This week, we're going to break 1,000 members this week,
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and I hope that you'll join us in the discussion that we're having about masculinity and manliness.
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It's been a big help to me and all the guys that are over there.
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Last week, we talked about how to handle the news of a first child,
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great men of history to study, and my personal favorite, how to restore an old act.
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So, we're having some cool conversations over there. Please join us.
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If you're interested, again, you can go to facebook.com slash groups slash Order of Man,
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Now, if you want the show notes and the links and the quotes
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and all the information that we talk about in our episode today,
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Now, let me introduce you to my guest, Matthew Arrington.
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He's an entrepreneur and a lifestyle design coach
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who has a passion for helping young adult men as they transition into manhood.
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He's the co-founder of one of my favorite companies.
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They specialize in helping young adult men who are dealing with social anxiety
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and video game addictions and overall just failing to launch.
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He's also a regular contributor to publications such as Entrepreneur, CEO.com, Salary.com,
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He's an avid combat sport and firearm competitor and a trainer
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and even worked as a civilian contractor for the military right out of high school.
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He spends a lot of time outdoors where he perfects the art of things like tracking
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and hunting and fishing and trapping and bushcraft,
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and he's here to talk with us about failing to launch.
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I know we went out to lunch a couple of weeks ago and we talked about a lot of the same
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things that we address here on Order of Men, so I'm hoping we'll have a good conversation
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So tell me a little bit about Forte Strong and some of the things that you're doing,
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maybe even why you got into what it is you're doing now and helping men transition from
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youth and adolescence into manhood, if you would.
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So Forte Strong is kind of like a failure to launch company.
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So I always ask people if they've seen that movie with Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica
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In essence, we're working with young adult men who are adults, typically between the age
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ranges of like 18 to 26, to become self-reliant and independent men.
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And the reason that I got into this is because I grew up in a situation, and again, we talked
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and kind of similar where I come from a broken family and my dad, he's a great guy, but wasn't
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always around in the picture due to his, he did a lot of undercover work and so forth.
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And really, the positive male mentors in my life will really kind of help me to get to
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And as I started to grow up and as I graduated college and so forth, I saw a lot of guys who
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And then as I went out into the workforce, you know, and I did my internship at a graduate
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school and all this other stuff, you know, I really, I really, it just wasn't really meaningful
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for me, you know, and I found the opportunity working with some guys is kind of like a job
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You know, I do have an undergrad degree in leadership and organizational management, and
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I love how, you know, how skills can really help somebody evolve, you know, how, how using
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leadership or other skills can really help them to become a more complete person.
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And by doing that and being able to kind of give back and help, you know, some younger
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guys to, you know, land a job and whatever, it really got the gears turning.
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And I thought, you know what, this is a really big thing that I think our society needs.
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I think there's a huge underserved population of young men who really need some help and assistance
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So, and so do you think that this, this, is this something as old as time or is this
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a growing problem that you see trending upwards, if you will?
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Well, I think, you know, it's definitely a growing problem, but, but the thing is, is
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I think that all of us know somebody who fits in that category.
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You know, it might be, it might be a next door neighbor or a brother or, you know, a son
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or a cousin, but we know somebody, we know a young man who's an adult who's probably still
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living at home in his parents' basement and not doing much, you know, all of us know
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I mean, what, what are you seeing as being some of the culprits or the reasons why guys
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And, and, you know, on a, on a broad sense, there are a lot of different reasons.
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One thing that I would suggest to the people who are listening out here is to get the book
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Boys Adrift by Dr. Leonard Sachs, who is a, he's a physician, but he's also, you know,
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And in his book, he kind of addresses some key issues of why, you know, based on some research
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and so forth, why he thinks, you know, that young men are failing to launch.
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And there are a lot of different factors, you know, there are societal factors such as
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There are factors such as, you know, lack of just like in a family dynamic, lack of a positive
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And there are some also factors that are environmental.
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Young men, for example, and there are tons of studies and we try to do a lot of research,
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but, you know, young men, for example, at that stage where they're about 18 to 26 are producing
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about half the level of testosterone that their grandfathers were, you know.
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I've actually had that conversation with other guests.
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And so all of these things combined really kind of contribute to this failure to launch
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And, you know, again, every single case is different.
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Every, every one of the people that we work with at Forte Strong is different.
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You know, some guys are, for example, like adopted and, you know, mom and dad are really
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successful and they just don't have a lot of time to put the, you know, the parenting
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And so they're kind of left to their own devices, you know, and, and hopefully there's a cool
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teacher or a good role model like an uncle or, or somebody else, a good neighbor who can
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kind of show them the way, but it usually isn't the case because let's face it, the best
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example occurs kind of in the home or with a consistent male role model involved.
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Well, so how do you see guys that are successful?
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I mean, you, you and I both had fathers that really weren't there and it sounds like it's
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So I know I have my own personal story, but how were you able to get a lot of that?
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So you didn't run into this failure to launch or this, this type of scenario and what are
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guys doing who maybe are coming out of homes that are, are broken or don't have a father
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I think it really, really does come down to, um, to them finding their own.
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And what I mean by that is either them through a process of personal self-discovery or being
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shown what it means to be a man by somebody who's kind of been there and done that and,
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and can, you know, preach the good word, so to speak.
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Um, you know, I had a lot of positive male role models in my life, you know, besides my dad,
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I love him to death, but you know, his work was, was very specific in what he did and,
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Um, I had, you know, um, some uncles that were really great guys.
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Um, I had a, a church leader, uh, you know, who worked with me, um, and a young men's group
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who was really, really actually had a couple of, and he always made it a point to involve
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me whenever his sons came to town to visit or whenever they were doing something manly,
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camping trip or going to the beach or whatever it was.
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Um, and, and that, that personally has kind of really helped me.
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And then once I transferred over into the, the academic world, I was really quick to find
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You know, some, uh, professors in the college of business that I attended and so forth.
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So, you know, whether it's sports or anywhere else, there are people out there who are willing
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and, you know, wanting to help other young men, but the young men who are struggling really
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need to go out and kind of find that on their own.
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I know you've got, you do obviously with your programs and you have a lot going on.
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Is it a matter of just simply throwing guys in with other men and working it out?
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I mean, I'm sure it's much deeper than that, but is that cure, I guess, a lot of the, a
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I mean, the change obviously has to really occur within, you know, somebody has to take,
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uh, initiative and really want to change and have a desire to, to move forward.
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Now there are a lot of guys who do, you know, most of the, the young men that we work with
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us, it's like, you know, Hey, I really want to be better.
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And it's kind of like, it's kind of like, you know, if somebody were just to come up
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to a little kid, for example, like I've got a six year old son, if I were to come up
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to him and put a toolbox in front of him, he'd be like, wow, cool tools.
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But that doesn't mean he'd really be able to recognize, you know, know how to use them.
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And, and so, so half the battle is having the tools.
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And I think the other half of the battle is knowing how to use the appropriate tool for
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So yes, changing the environment is absolutely crucial.
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It's absolutely essential because what we do is, you know, if you take a guy who's not
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really doing well and he's in, you know, the same environment with the same people, um,
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you know, the same resources and the same opportunities, he's going to continue to do
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It's kind of like that quote of like, you know, the definition of insanity is doing the same
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thing over and over and expecting different results.
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So if you take that same individual, put them in a new place with new people and new opportunities,
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he has an opportunity to set the, or hit the reset button and really go, okay, this is
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my time to take a step back, really assess who I am and who it is that I want to become.
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You know, who's the type of man that I want, that I want to be.
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So, so that's, that's definitely half the, half the, uh, the, the equation there.
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And the other half I think is, is again, just putting them in an opportunity where they can
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So for example, one thing that boys are really, really great at is experiential learning.
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Instead of just sitting in a class, you know, girls conversely are very good at that, right?
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I mean, they can sit in a, in a classroom all day long and look at a blackboard and, um,
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theorize about certain concepts, but for boys, you, they need to be experiencing it, you know?
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And I'll give you, I'll give you the perfect example.
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Um, so, you know, sometimes we can try to read to our kids, right?
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And, and my, my, I've got a couple of daughters and I've got a son, I've got one son.
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My daughters are really great at being like, Oh, look at the pretty colors on that, on that
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You know, for example, we're looking at a book about insects, man, that, that lady bug's really
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pretty, look at all these different colors and everything else.
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They focus on the beauty and the, you know, tell me about this.
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But if I say, Hey, you know, let's go out tomorrow.
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I mean, how much more is he going to remember that, you know, he's going to be so much more
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excited about going out and discovering and searching and holding a bug and let it crawl on his
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I want to get into that a little bit more, but before we do, I want to know what your
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thought is it, how, how is this applicable to somebody who maybe isn't stuck in their
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parents' basement, but they feel like they're stuck in life.
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And how is this applicable to some of those guys?
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Well, here's the thing that, you know, what we've come to find out is, is, you know, and
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Tony Robbins talks about this too, is that we make decisions based on two different things.
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So Tony Robbins says we make, we make decisions based on pain or pleasure.
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Pleasure, you know, things that we want and pain to avoid things that we don't want.
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We refer to it as, uh, inspiration or desperation.
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So we'll make choices or decisions based on inspiration or desperation.
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But the bottom line is, is I think that in order to, to change, you need to feel uncomfortable.
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And, and if you're not uncomfortable, you're not going to want to change.
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And so for, for guys who are maybe not at that, you know, level of, of needing help,
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but, but still want to change something, I think they need to really define what it is
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And, and, you know, cause a lot of times we're struggling and we don't really, you know,
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we can't put a price tag on what it is, you know?
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And, and so by really kind of taking a deep look and say, what is it that I want to change?
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Do I want to change my, my health, you know, and identify what it is and then seek somebody
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I know that you're just because of the conversations that we've had, you're big into progression
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How does, like, what are the questions that somebody needs to be asking themselves?
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Like, what does that look like for you when you're reflecting on your own life and you're
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wanting to improve or make it to that next level in an area of your life?
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So I, I use a process, um, that I call OST and it's objective strategy and tactic.
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So it goes from kind of like the big level down to the details.
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And, and the rough idea is I need to identify what it is that I want to change about my life.
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So for example, order of man, you know, you've got a really great structure of these key concepts
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So let's try to classify what it is that I want to work on first and foremost.
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So for an example, let's, let's say that it has to do with your health.
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So I'll say, okay, I want to, you know, gain some muscle mass.
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I'm using that as a personal experience because it's something that I usually struggled with
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So let's break it down a little bit more, more finitely here.
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The strategy is that I'm going to, um, I'm going to eat more and I'm going to work out,
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you know, I'm going to listen to some good ways.
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And then I need to get even more detailed and say, what's the tactic.
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So I need to be really, really detailed in what that is.
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Because if I just say, Hey, I want to be healthier and by eating more food and working out,
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So the tactic would be, okay, I'm going to go, you know, running two days of the week.
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I'm going to go running on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
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And on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I'm going to go to the gym and I'm going to do
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And then with my food component, the tactic is instead of eating three meals, I'm going
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In the morning, then I'm going to have a snack, then I'm going to have lunch and another
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That kind of protocol has really helped me to, you know, when I want to change something
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or whatever to really give me some specifics and some attainable methodology for accomplishing
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And a lot of times men that I have on, even on the podcast will say, you need to reflect,
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But at the end of the day, it's such a high level thing that I think a lot of guys skim
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So to have, you know, have the strategy, the tactics, and then to have that working
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roadmap, I guess, is going to be beneficial for a lot of guys.
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So one of the things that I'm impressed with your program, I think this is right.
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So correct me if I'm wrong, but 100% of the men who are coming into your program are coming
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And I know there's a lot of programs out there, especially for younger kids, I think,
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who are, you know, in their early teens and still at home, still minors, I guess.
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So what are some of the things that these guys are saying?
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And what's forcing them to be, to feel like they want to be in this situation?
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So a lot of guys are, I'd say that the key issues that is contributing to the failure
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to launch syndrome that these guys are experiencing are social anxiety, depression, process addiction,
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which would be, you know, considered video games, pornography, or excessive social media,
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And, you know, these are all things that obviously are really detrimental, you know, to somebody's
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And when someone comes in, you know, they're saying, hey, look, you know, I was the kind
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of guy who, you know, maybe I wasn't super confident in school.
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And that just, you know, started a domino effect for the rest of my life, you know.
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When I was picked on and bullied in school or, you know, people really didn't reach out to me,
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And now that I'm a man, how do I find that again?
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How do I recover that self-esteem and recover that lost time of, you know, growing up?
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You know, we see a lot of guys which we refer to as boomerang kids.
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And when I say kids, they're still adults, but they've left the nest.
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And for one reason or another, they weren't successful.
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Either it was, you know, they didn't know how to function in an academic setting at that level.
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And for one reason or another, they just stopped going.
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They went back to, you know, to social media where they could connect with people without
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putting a face to the name, you know, all those things.
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What are some of the skills that men learn who have no problem transitioning from boyhood
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into manhood have learned that maybe some of these other guys have not learned?
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Are there some specific skills that they need to work on or improve?
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I think some of the key skills would be, number one, communication, being able to, you
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know, communicate your opinion, you know, just have your voice heard, whether it gets
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accepted or not, but being able to converse with somebody.
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And I don't mean being able to converse with somebody necessarily, you know, via email or
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There is nothing in this world, no matter how technologically advanced we become as a world
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as a society, there's nothing that can replace good old fashioned face to face interaction,
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And a lot of that communication, most of it, in fact, is nonverbal, is nonverbal.
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And what we find is because we're living in such a technologically advanced age where we
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can communicate on our cell phones and on our computer and, you know, even through our
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video game consoles is there's less of a need to practice that nonverbal communication,
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Not necessarily just the inflection of your voice and the way you talk, but what about
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What about the way that you use your hands, the way that you sit in an interview with somebody
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that can help to demonstrate and exude a little bit of confidence or capability to that person
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So, I think another skill would be, you know, because you have basically, you have some hard
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The hard skills would be like something like a trade.
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You know, can you work with your hands or are you proficient at doing anything like that?
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You know, can you change the oil on your vehicle?
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Can you, you know, I know that you're really great at working with wood, Ryan.
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Um, and so, so communication is, it would be considered a soft skill.
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And I think that that's really the type of skill set that these guys are lacking.
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Um, so communication would be one, um, motivation is another one, you know, it's another skill.
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All of us at some point or another are unmotivated.
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But if you have a resolve to still go, you know what?
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I might not be motivated today, but my overall goal is, for example, graduating from college.
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So even though I don't want to go to class, I don't want to go to study group.
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I'm going to be motivated enough because I see the light at the end of the tunnel or there's a higher purpose for me to sacrifice, you know, what I'm feeling right now.
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Um, I think, uh, another skill too would be not understanding your own emotions.
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And, and we're kind of getting, you know, we're starting to get again, really into the soft side
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And, and as men, you know, we don't a lot of times talk about, uh, our emotions necessarily.
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But, but what I'm referring to is not necessarily talking about your emotions, but understanding
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He's come up with a, with a, a model that we refer to, um, as the, uh, is it the developmental
00:21:45.660
And, and, you know, boys are really great at creating distractions for themselves and saying,
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okay, ah, I'm going to play video games instead of doing something hard, you know, instead
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I'm going to distract myself from progressing in my adult life.
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And, and he says, you know, I talked to a lot of parents and in his words, he says,
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the biggest thing, if I can just get one thing across the parents and I talk to them, it's
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Because if you can control your own emotions, you know, a lot of parents, you know, we fly
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off the handle or we don't want to deal with the emotions.
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And so we'll isolate ourselves and we won't deal with it.
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And so as our boys grow up, they don't know how to recognize their emotions.
00:22:24.940
And what they do instead is they get confused or they'll act out or, or, or they'll just
00:22:30.660
isolate because they don't know how to recognize their own emotions.
00:22:33.700
So again, being able to recognize your emotions helps you, helps you as a person to self-assess
00:22:42.140
Um, cause, cause we've all got triggers and we all have suitors.
00:22:45.180
So triggers being those things that really set off a specific emotion in us, whether
00:22:49.600
it's a good emotion or whether it's, you know, a hard emotion to deal with.
00:22:53.600
And then we all have suitors, things that we go to that make us to feel more comfortable.
00:22:57.740
And so, you know, the guys who are failing to launch fall in that category of, I've got
00:23:02.660
a lot of triggers and my suitor is video games or my suitor is social media or my suitor is
00:23:08.740
just isolating, you know, and not, not talking to anybody.
00:23:13.900
I can even catch myself, you know, driving on the road and somebody cuts me off and I
00:23:16.960
get road rage and then I, and then I react to that road rage and probably not a healthy
00:23:23.120
I'm like, Oh man, I need to be better at that because I know he's watching everything
00:23:29.760
How else can we instill some of these things, whether it's communication, motivation, those
00:23:34.300
emotional triggers and understanding your emotions in our children.
00:23:37.060
I know if we can address a lot of that beforehand, it may be that not as many men are going to
00:23:43.460
run into the situation of needing help in that transition.
00:23:51.000
So, so again, I'm going to revert back to Dr. Dan Sanderson's methodology here because
00:23:55.820
he's, he's just way better at this than I am and he's done it a lot longer.
00:23:59.680
And so the approach, you know, we talk about what we refer to here, you know, in our industry
00:24:06.580
And, and in his developmental model, these ego states are, um, you know, you've got
00:24:11.380
nurturing parents and you've got critical parents and then you've got the adult ego
00:24:18.500
So the nurturing parent is the type of parent that, um, that coddles, that helicopters and
00:24:24.160
says, Oh, you know, let me make everything better.
00:24:26.240
Or, you know, so, so for example, let's say that you're walking up in the grocery store
00:24:29.560
and you go to checkout and they've got all the candy there and you've got a four year
00:24:33.780
old who goes, you know, I want mommy, I want some daddy, I want some, you know, some candy.
00:24:38.020
The nurturing parent will say, no, you can't have that.
00:24:44.560
To avoid embarrassment or whatever, it's like, okay, okay, okay, here you go, here you go,
00:24:50.840
And that's, that's what the nurturing parent does.
00:24:52.560
Because the, uh, the critical parent on the other hand is, is the parent who's always
00:24:57.820
You know, it was very, very demanding, like, like your child, you know, they can never live
00:25:02.740
So, you know, you got an A minus on the test, well, why didn't you get an A?
00:25:08.900
And then there's the parent who's the adult and that's where you want to be.
00:25:12.140
That's, that's the really happy medium where I'm not going to enable my children, but
00:25:16.400
I'm also not going to be so critical that they can never live up to unrealistic expectations.
00:25:21.620
And so an adult, somebody who's in the adult ego state, you know, as we're raising children
00:25:26.380
can, can not only manage their emotions, but show an effective model of how their children
00:25:31.220
could and should manage their emotions as well.
00:25:33.980
We're going back to the, uh, you know, the kid in the grocery store, um, you know, example.
00:25:38.460
So you, you've got a kid who's screaming and crying, you know, somebody who's in the adult
00:25:41.980
mindset or the adult ego state would say, son, you can't have this candy.
00:25:47.440
I love you, but you can't have this candy right now.
00:25:52.520
I'm okay to feel uncomfortable with my kid crying because this is an important lesson
00:26:00.200
And as we look for those learning opportunities throughout, uh, you know, throughout our life,
00:26:06.060
okay, we're able to really set a good, solid example of our, of our children, uh, of what
00:26:12.980
So if I can give one other example, this actually happened to me yesterday.
00:26:16.060
So I was at church yesterday and, um, and the kids were doing a presentation to the
00:26:28.200
Um, it came up for this part where she was singing a solo with all the other kids, all
00:26:32.340
the other kids sing this one verse and then it goes to her and they had a violin and they
00:26:40.420
She missed her cue to come in and I'm, and there's seriously like, you know, 350 people
00:26:46.320
And so she kind of looks around uncertainly, you know, and, and, and steps down.
00:26:50.840
And then, um, you know, one of the, one of the leader ladies says, you know, let's, you
00:26:59.320
Then they come in again and she steps back up and starts singing again.
00:27:05.420
Now this was really, really embarrassing for her.
00:27:09.520
Afterwards she came down and she's just, and, and, you know, she found us in the congregation
00:27:16.460
And I said, Hey, I said, Hey, you did a great job, you know?
00:27:25.660
So normalizing things that should be normalized, you know, and not making it a big deal really helps
00:27:32.180
her to, you know, and that's a great experience.
00:27:35.420
I'm glad that, you know, none of us want to see our children fail, but I'm glad that that
00:27:39.240
happened because it was a perfect learning opportunity for me to say, guess what?
00:27:43.200
We make mistakes in life and you're still a good person.
00:27:45.620
That does not diminish your value as a human being.
00:27:48.540
We're all, you know, and then, um, you know, of course other people come up to her afterwards.
00:27:52.200
And, and this is what I said, and this is really a key, a key moment where I think we,
00:27:56.140
as parents fail is we, we highlight the victory instead of the character attribute that's
00:28:06.060
And so what I said to her was, as I said, sweetheart, you know what I'm really proud of?
00:28:10.180
I'm proud that you got back up after missing it the first time and you went through and
00:28:15.540
And that's what I'm proud of, you know, and, and she's, she's wiping the tears and it just
00:28:21.640
And those are the proud moments that we need to really kind of take as parents and go, that's
00:28:27.020
That's what it means to kind of take care of ourselves, you know?
00:28:29.220
And so, um, so yeah, we're going to make mistakes as human beings, but being able to
00:28:33.580
highlight the characteristic of, I'm glad that you stuck that through or whatever it is
00:28:41.340
And the word that comes to mind for me is, is being assertive.
00:28:44.820
I read a book and I can't remember the book, I'll have to track this down, but they talk
00:28:49.440
So they talk about, you can be aggressive, you can be passive, you can be passive aggressive,
00:29:00.160
And it sounds like that's what you're talking about here is understanding what's going on,
00:29:04.040
being aware of the situation and then using it in a controlled environment as a teaching
00:29:09.160
And in other words, we're not, we're not letting the emotions get the best of us.
00:29:12.000
We're able to kind of recognize the emotion and then put it on the shelf as saying, I
00:29:16.700
feel this emotion, that way I can categorize it.
00:29:19.360
Now I can think logically, you know, and see through this issue or whatever it is that
00:29:24.480
And we talk a lot about that in, in the context of this, you know, masculine conversation
00:29:36.120
So somebody comes in and they recognize that they've got, they've got an issue that they
00:29:40.540
need to work through and they voluntarily come through the program and then they leave and
00:29:48.000
So, so basically as we transition from children into men, all right, we need to hit what we
00:29:57.380
And what those developmental milestones are, is they're basically specific scenarios that
00:30:03.800
force us to confront our own emotions or a specific situation.
00:30:09.320
And by experiencing the emotions that are associated with that situation is where we change and
00:30:18.760
And, and so if we don't hit those developmental milestones by the time we reach adults, then
00:30:24.380
you have a person in an adult body who still has the mindset of, of somebody much younger,
00:30:30.380
And so through our program, we basically condense these developmental milestones and run our guys
00:30:36.960
through it, you know, and give them experiences and basically have them experience those emotions
00:30:42.500
and confront the emotions that are associated with those, uh, those decisions.
00:30:46.480
So are there some certain ones that you can share with us as far as a milestone that you
00:30:51.340
take men through where you see a lot of success?
00:30:54.380
So one of those milestones is being financially responsible, you know, not, not going to mom
00:30:59.100
and dad every single time that I need some, some financial assistance.
00:31:03.700
So being able to, um, you know, get a job and, and whether you like it or not being confident
00:31:10.480
and being grateful that you're providing for yourself, that's a big one.
00:31:15.780
Because if you're in the, if you've got money and you're in the, the, you know, that child
00:31:19.680
mindset, you're still thinking like an adolescent, what are you going to do with that
00:31:24.380
You're not going to, you know, video games or whatever else.
00:31:27.740
And so, um, and so, but being able to say, Oh, you know, I really want to buy, you know,
00:31:33.640
But, you know, what I'm going to do instead is because I know I'm going to be responsible
00:31:40.760
So basically there are kind of like three criteria, if you would, that are markers for
00:31:46.320
And that's accepting responsibility for oneself.
00:31:49.880
Making independent decisions and being financially independent.
00:31:54.400
And so those three things, if you can kind of take care of those things, then that those
00:31:59.420
are pretty much indicators that, that you're being able to function as a man.
00:32:03.240
Am I accepting responsibility for the decisions I make, whether good or bad.
00:32:11.580
Instead of other people, specifically mom and dad making those for me.
00:32:17.820
And so those are the kind of the things that we run our guys through, um, you know, teach
00:32:22.240
them how to manage their finances, how to save, how to shop on a budget.
00:32:27.340
And that kind of falls under the financial category, making independent decisions.
00:32:34.820
So, so not just being completely stonewalled by uncertainty, but saying, Hey, I don't know
00:32:41.420
what's going to happen, but I'm going to make a decision and I'm going to learn from
00:32:45.700
Now, obviously we want them to make, you know, their best informed decision as, and as
00:32:51.020
But if it doesn't turn out the way that they want it to, to kind of, you know, we do a
00:32:56.220
Ah, it really didn't work how I, how I thought it was going to go.
00:32:59.040
Let's talk about that and discuss it and discuss how we can learn from this and make
00:33:06.140
So in other words, this is the point where you, when you transition to manhood, you are
00:33:10.280
a hundred percent taking responsibility for the decisions that you make.
00:33:13.220
You're not blaming mom and dad for anything that happened in the past anymore, regardless
00:33:18.180
of if it was your fault or not, you know, because a lot of guys fall into situations
00:33:22.220
where, you know, when you're a child, for example, and mom and dad are moving around
00:33:25.480
or they're getting divorced or whatever, that's right.
00:33:28.600
That's really not, that's not, it wasn't your fault.
00:33:30.620
But now that you're an adult now, okay, dwelling on a past, isn't going to do anything for
00:33:36.600
So how can you take responsibility right now for your decisions instead of dwelling on
00:33:41.200
those past things or making excuses as to why something didn't work out based on something
00:33:46.580
So what are your thoughts on rites of passages?
00:33:49.320
I know we've talked a lot about that in previous podcasts and men going through that, but we
00:33:54.420
don't see those quote unquote rites of passages as much anymore.
00:33:59.740
Yeah, we don't, we don't, you know, and, and I think I really do think that it's essential
00:34:04.880
on a certain level for, for men to really feel like they belong to the brotherhood, to
00:34:10.480
the tribe or to the, you know, the clan of men, if you will, you know, you look at a
00:34:16.180
lot of different indigenous cultures and they all have it in different societies, they all
00:34:20.440
And, and we, you know, and you might have it really like in the United States, for example,
00:34:25.440
like that might look like, you know, a church group, for example, as, as a young man, you
00:34:29.560
know, rises through a specific group, he gets different responsibility until he's to the
00:34:33.640
point where, yeah, he's accepted by, you know, the congregation or whatever, or it might
00:34:38.300
be, it might be, um, sports related, you know, where you're working up your way as a young
00:34:43.300
man through specific sport things until, for example, you make that college team or you
00:34:54.600
I think, I think having some sort of a rite of passage for our younger generation, whatever
00:34:59.040
that looks like, um, you know, can be extremely helpful in building confidence and not only
00:35:03.760
that, but helping them to feel included, right.
00:35:06.180
To help them feel like, uh, you know, I've made this important step so that now I can
00:35:11.340
continue on the rest of my life with, with a certain mantle, I guess, if that makes sense.
00:35:17.720
So how do you, how do you recommend somebody find that either for themselves or maybe they're
00:35:24.080
looking for rites of passages for their, their kids?
00:35:27.980
Well, you know, I, I would take a look at, you know, a lot of rites of passages occur within
00:35:34.420
For example, in my family, you know, hunting was a pretty big thing, right.
00:35:38.480
And, and, you know, I saw your post on Facebook, you know, about, about the gun thing too,
00:35:43.220
you know, and that to, that for my family is a passage of, of, of manhood.
00:35:49.640
So, you know, when you get your first rifle, when you go on your first hunt, when you have
00:35:55.140
your first kill, and I know this kind of, you know, this is, uh, this goes back to kind
00:35:59.280
of like the caveman thing, but that's, that's kind of a tradition that my family has.
00:36:02.440
You know, when we, when we go deer hunting or whatever, and we're, you know, and, and,
00:36:06.260
and we, you know, have that experience connecting because in my family, the girls really didn't
00:36:14.660
And I remember to this day, some of the fondest memories I have are when I was in junior high
00:36:19.420
school and my dad said, Hey, we're going to take off two days of school so you can go
00:36:24.080
Like, it was that important that I was going to take off school and march around in the
00:36:28.460
woods with my dad in the mountain and get an animal.
00:36:32.840
And, you know, obviously this dates back to, you know, previous things and I don't know
00:36:37.560
I know that, that my grandfather, for example, hunted for food for the fam, for his family
00:36:43.420
But, um, but you know, for, for my dad, like that was a passage of manhood, you know?
00:36:47.360
And, and after, you know, uh, you know, praying, having a prayer before we went out that, that,
00:36:52.920
that we'd be blessed that, you know, we could find, um, some game to provide food for our
00:36:57.320
Cause we did, we, we ate it, you know, we use the animal and so forth.
00:37:00.220
And that, that was a big transition, you know, uh, to manhood for me and my confidence.
00:37:04.720
Now for other people, you know, maybe there are men out there who don't hunt and whatever.
00:37:08.900
Maybe it looks like something else, but I would figure, you know, something out if I was a dad
00:37:13.420
and, and, and I, and there really wasn't a lot for me to go on or I didn't have a
00:37:21.320
You know, I, I've talked with other families and other men who it's like, when you graduate
00:37:25.100
high school or whatever, before you go on college, we'd go for a month on these big
00:37:29.280
camping expeditions or, you know, whatever that looks like, develop something.
00:37:33.940
We'll develop something and have it, have some meaning behind it.
00:37:44.260
It sounds like, but, uh, for sake of time, I want to ask you a couple additional questions.
00:37:49.680
So the first question I have for you is one that I ask every guest that I have on, and
00:37:57.100
And, and I love the insight that everybody else has from it as well.
00:38:04.000
And what I mean by being strong is being a man is somebody who is physically, mentally,
00:38:10.000
emotionally, and spiritually resolute, who has that strength that can see through, you know,
00:38:18.020
A big thing that, that I went through personally, um, in my own family is we actually lost a son
00:38:26.280
And that was a, that was a really hard time for not only my wife and I, um, but for all of
00:38:31.820
our family, you know, on both sides and, you know, thankfully I had the upbringing, you
00:38:39.160
know, and, and, and, and the resolve and so did my wife and so did my family.
00:38:43.420
And I had the support where I was able to kind of see that through on all those different
00:38:47.700
levels, you know, on a spiritual level, on an emotional level, I was able to process
00:38:51.240
it mentally and, and use that, you know, as a catalyst to kind of help, to kind of help
00:38:58.340
And so, so to me, a man is somebody who, who is strong.
00:39:05.700
So if somebody wants to connect with you, they, they've liked what you have to say.
00:39:08.760
They want to know more about what you say, more about your program.
00:39:13.220
Uh, you can connect with me, um, on LinkedIn and my name is Matthew Arrington.
00:39:19.280
Um, you can also, uh, go to 4kstrong.com and that's F-O-R-T-E strong.com.
00:39:30.900
And I appreciate you again, Ryan, for having me on.
00:39:33.880
What we'll do is we'll make sure we put links in all the show notes so they can connect with
00:39:40.300
We've had them in the past and I'm, I'm really looking forward to continue to get to know
00:39:43.280
you and what you guys are doing for men that want to transition into, into manhood.
00:39:52.040
I would ask that you forward this podcast along to anyone, you know, who might be interested
00:39:58.860
If it's you, I hope you took some valuable insights and you took some notes and you're
00:40:02.560
ready to take the steps in the right direction.
00:40:04.300
If you're a father like I am, I've got three little kids with one more on the way.
00:40:07.740
Take this information to heart so that you are raising strong, independent men.
00:40:12.500
Now, again, if you enjoyed the show, if you learned something new, or if you just want
00:40:16.780
to say thank you to me and Matthew, head over to order of man.com slash iTunes, where you'll
00:40:21.480
be able to take two minutes and leave your rating review.
00:40:24.400
And remember guys, our Facebook group, we're going to hit a thousand members this week.
00:40:32.320
Now next week, we're going to be talking with a man that needs no introduction.
00:40:35.740
I won't blow the surprise, but he hosts a podcast that is consistently ranked in the top
00:40:40.060
50 in the world, and he knows a ton about helping men become better men in the areas
00:40:44.100
of dating and business and personal development and style and so much more.
00:40:48.700
Trust me, guys, you're going to want to subscribe so you don't miss that episode.
00:40:52.540
Guys, I look forward to talking with you next week, but until then, take action and become
00:40:58.480
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.
00:41:01.440
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00:41:05.480
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