Order of Man - OoM 042： How to be Confident, Cool, and Collected with David De Las Morenas

00:00:00.000 When men let me know what they're struggling with most in life right now, the number one

00:00:03.600 answer I receive comes down to being more confident. How do I build more confidence in

00:00:07.920 myself? How can I be more confident in my life? How can I build more confidence with women?

00:00:12.280 How can I be more confident in my career? My guest today, David DeLas-Marenas with How to Be

00:00:17.160 shares with us how to build your confidence, how to reduce stress and anxiety in your life,

00:00:21.800 and how you can be the cool, calm, and collected man you've always wanted to be.

00:00:25.900 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly

00:00:31.240 chart your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time. You

00:00:37.140 are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This

00:00:43.420 is who you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said

00:00:48.460 and done, you can call yourself a man. Men, welcome to the Order of Man podcast. I am

00:00:54.420 Ryan Michler, the host and founder of Order of Man. I hope that you guys had a great New

00:00:58.880 Year's. You're probably back on the screen of things now, as I am, and I'm sure, I'm

00:01:02.520 sure that you've got some New Year's resolutions, and I'm glad that you're tuning in to the Order

00:01:06.000 of Man podcast because my goal is to help you achieve all of those resolutions, from health

00:01:11.500 and wealth to fitness and leadership, you name it. Whatever your goal is for 2016, we

00:01:16.640 have got you covered this year. Now, before we get into this week's episode, know that

00:01:20.620 you can find all the links, the resources, the best quotes, all that you need at orderofman.com

00:01:25.920 slash 042. And again, if you want to explore further into the conversation that we're having

00:01:31.260 today, you'll need to head to facebook.com slash groups slash order of man to connect

00:01:36.400 with over 1500 men. We are having some incredible conversations about what it means to be a man,

00:01:41.860 including how to be more confident in your life, which is what we will be talking about

00:01:45.880 in the podcast today. Also want to mention the iron council. I talked about this a bit

00:01:49.880 last week, but we will be kicking things off again this week. And specifically, we're going

00:01:55.020 to be addressing goals for the month of January. We're going to be talking about New Year's

00:01:58.300 resolutions and creating a roadmap for what you want 2016 to look like. And most importantly,

00:02:04.140 how you're actually going to make those things work in your life. No man is an island. And

00:02:07.880 that's why surrounding yourself with other men who want to achieve big and amazing results

00:02:14.000 in their lives is an absolute must. We'll be meeting virtually every single week to talk

00:02:18.320 about getting better results in your relationships and leadership, business, career, health, wealth,

00:02:23.640 and every other area of your life that is important to you. You'll have accountability

00:02:28.460 partners, access to resources, access to the men's book club we're putting together and

00:02:32.580 so much more. So if you're interested, head to order of man.com slash iron council, do it

00:02:37.520 quick because we're getting started with a conversation about goal setting and creating that roadmap

00:02:42.020 this week. And the last thing guys, before we get into the meat of the podcast, our giveaway

00:02:46.060 with my friends over at Seneca Creek, congrats to the winner of the County knife by the James

00:02:51.440 brand. Now this week we'll be giving away a dot kit for all of your traveling needs. And

00:02:55.940 you can enter the giveaway by heading to order of man.com slash Seneca Creek giveaway to Seneca

00:03:03.340 Creek giveaway to. So make sure you head over there to get registered for the giveaway. Now

00:03:08.240 with all that said, let me get into our show today. My guest today is David de las

00:03:12.140 Moranis. He is the creator of how to beast and an Amazon number one, bestselling author.

00:03:17.820 David is known for his writing on building muscle and building confidence. He works also as a

00:03:21.880 personal trainer on the side, and he's passionate about seeking growth in his own life and helping

00:03:26.480 other guys like yourself, like me, like you take their self-esteem and their lives to the next level

00:03:31.180 between his highly ranked podcast, beastly gentlemen, his book writing and his personal

00:03:35.120 training business. He has also managed to write another book, which he talks with us about today

00:03:39.220 titled calm, cool, and collected. David, thanks for joining us. Glad you're here, man.

00:03:44.660 Yeah. Thanks for having me, Ryan. I'm excited to, to be on the show.

00:03:47.520 Yeah. So I've been following your work for some time and I was digging around on your website. And

00:03:51.720 one of the first thing that comes up on your website is it says that you can choose one of

00:03:55.760 two options. You can choose get jacked or get confident. So I really want to know why you narrowed

00:04:00.560 it down to those two things when it comes to what it is that you and I cover in our podcast and

00:04:06.000 our blogs and the things that we're doing. Right. Obviously when you get into like the,

00:04:09.480 the male self-improvement, self-development space, um, before, before you were even trying

00:04:13.520 to share out information, right? There's like endless topics. And for me, exactly. You've

00:04:18.280 kind of, obviously when you start something, you want to pick a niche. And for me, my, you

00:04:22.920 know, my background really is in lifting weights and building muscle just because the first thing

00:04:27.180 that I got into in terms of improving myself as a man, I suppose, was trying to, to put on

00:04:33.640 weight, to put on muscle. It was back towards the end of my college days. And it definitely

00:04:37.220 came from self-esteem issues because I was super skinny. And, you know, when you're sort

00:04:41.660 of at a low point, you look for, I guess, more superficial things to, to fix yourself.

00:04:46.560 And the first thing I got into was definitely lifting weights with the, the intention of putting

00:04:51.760 on weight, putting on mass, just, you know, developing a more dominant presence as a man. And while

00:04:57.000 obviously my, I guess my motivations were a little bit, not weak, but something, something

00:05:01.880 along those lines, it definitely taught me a lot of, a lot of important things like discipline

00:05:07.140 and just putting in work and setting my, my sights to the longterm, not expecting instant

00:05:12.120 results. And it definitely transferred a lot of, a lot of, you know, positive things to,

00:05:18.000 to my character and my mindset as well that I was able to later apply to, to different areas

00:05:22.040 of my life. So when I first started how to be, believe it or not, it was actually all building

00:05:25.680 muscle. And because, and because the self-esteem, I guess, was something that I had struggled

00:05:30.260 with the whole time. And I sort of started really honing in on, you know, why, why I

00:05:35.340 didn't feel enough as a man, why I didn't feel enough as a person. And I started to focus

00:05:39.400 a lot of my personal development, not what I was writing on at the time, on building self-esteem

00:05:44.100 and building confidence. And so I guess those are really just the two biggest like pain points

00:05:48.380 for myself. And it's why I want to, I guess, share my experience and things that have worked

00:05:52.680 for me with as many other men as possible.

00:05:55.240 Yeah. And I know a lot of other guys are struggling with that. So I guess my question, and maybe you

00:05:58.800 already answered this, but did that help as you started to build muscle and get in shape

00:06:02.480 and put on mass, did that help with your self-esteem or did you have to develop from there? Tell me a

00:06:06.700 little bit about that.

00:06:08.080 Yeah, good question. I think, you know, it had a positive effect and a negative effect.

00:06:12.580 It definitely had a positive effect because I started to see real results. It was something

00:06:16.860 I was passionate about, sort of became like my mission in life. So it definitely motivated

00:06:21.100 me on a day-to-day, week-to-week basis. And obviously there's, you know, there's a lot of

00:06:25.720 positive benefits in terms of confidence that come with that, as well as when you see results

00:06:30.220 in the mirror. You know, we tend to be very, I guess, egotistic's not the right word, but

00:06:35.160 we tend to be very image-based. So I definitely developed confidence from that. It wasn't the

00:06:39.960 most deeply rooted confidence. And I say that it also had a negative side effect because of

00:06:45.520 that, because I think I started to really place my self-worth on, you know, how much I weighed,

00:06:50.300 what my body fat percentage was, how much I could bench press, squat, and deadlift. And

00:06:55.260 I sort of started to place, you know, all the validation I got in life on those things

00:07:00.520 as opposed to so many of the other things that are important in life. So at first, it

00:07:05.280 definitely was positive. But then in the long term, as I sort of tied my self-worth to that

00:07:10.260 instead of anything else, I think that it also had sort of an undermining effect on my confidence.

00:07:15.740 confidence. So is that where you developed and you kind of evolved more into building

00:07:21.460 confidence through more of maybe just interpersonal type skills that you'd have, I guess you'd

00:07:26.100 say? Right. Yeah. Obviously, there's a lot of, I guess, a lot of different things to go

00:07:30.200 into confidence. And it, you know, even to this day, I think it's important to always just

00:07:35.960 tell people, you know, self-esteem is still something that I think with everyone, I think

00:07:40.400 it's important. It's empowering to realize that no one ever is sort of just completely set in

00:07:45.180 like in their self-esteem. Yeah, you're always going to face some issue or something's going

00:07:51.420 to happen that might bring up some like past trauma in your life that's going to get you

00:07:54.520 to sort of question things maybe ultimately for the good. But in the short term, it's

00:07:58.520 always easy to to sort of not sort of lose that self-esteem, lose that confidence. But

00:08:04.000 it definitely, yeah, it definitely led me to other areas, I guess, that that made me start

00:08:08.640 to change my focus to be more internal rather than external and focus on, you know, what motivated

00:08:13.960 me to do things and, you know, how I relate to other people and other things and more

00:08:17.780 healthy ways. Yeah, I know your journey and mine is probably similar. I, you know, two

00:08:23.460 years ago, I weighed 234 pounds. That was the highest I ever got on the scale. And I'm 5'10

00:08:29.300 and I wasn't huge. So it wasn't muscle. It was just fat. Right. And I just went on this

00:08:34.280 journey over the last two years of, hey, I got to get in shape. I've got to be healthier

00:08:37.580 and I've got to be there for my kids and my family, my wife. And so I started working

00:08:42.760 out and that's really where my self-confidence journey started as well, similar to what you're

00:08:47.400 talking about here. If somebody's listening to this and they're saying, yeah, I've got

00:08:51.340 self-esteem issues, I've got confidence issues and it's something I know I need to work on.

00:08:56.180 Would you suggest they start there or where would be a different place to start if there

00:09:00.600 is one? Well, OK, I guess I'll have two answers for that. First of all, I'd say yes. I think

00:09:05.900 that, you know, fitness and health is probably the best place you can start regardless of if

00:09:11.340 it is going to, you know, maybe it's going to be unavoidable that you're going to maybe

00:09:16.460 get some negative side effects with, you know, body image issues. But I think in terms of getting

00:09:22.600 in better shape, if you break it down to lifting weights, eating better, sleeping better, it's

00:09:28.780 going to have, you know, vast positive benefits to your life from just how you feel on a day

00:09:33.860 to day basis to how you feel about yourself to how healthy and your body's actually functioning

00:09:38.880 on like a molecular level. So I think 100%, that's probably the best place for guys to

00:09:43.240 get started. I guess my second answer to that question would be there's a, if you have, if

00:09:50.360 you're having self-esteem issues, it's probably more deeply rooted than just your, your fitness

00:09:56.380 level, right? Like that's, it's probably, that's probably a manifestation of, of your lack

00:10:01.460 of self-esteem. But I think generally it's, it's deeper than that. And, and sort of identifying

00:10:08.060 your personal values is something that, that I come back to a lot in terms of that being

00:10:12.560 sort of the root of your confidence, you know, sort of being self-aware about the things that

00:10:16.760 you value, being okay, owning the things that you value and, you know, not feeling guilty

00:10:21.640 or shameful that maybe other people around you don't value the same things and sort of owning

00:10:26.260 those values. So I think that, you know, really taking the time to think about what made it

00:10:30.040 motivates you and what you value and then to make sure that you can structure your life

00:10:33.900 in a way that you live up to them is a very effective way of doing that. And I do have

00:10:38.160 a technique that, that I used, that I've begun to use recently with myself and, you know, shared

00:10:43.500 it with my, some of my clients, some of my friends that's worked really well if, if you

00:10:47.040 want to talk about that.

00:10:48.500 Yeah, I do. Because I, I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. And if any of the

00:10:52.500 guys listening right now have listened to, I think we're, you know, 35 or so episodes

00:10:57.280 into this, they know that finding your values and identifying what's important

00:11:01.700 to you is, is one of the most important and critical steps you can take as, as you're

00:11:05.620 developing into the man you want to become. But the next question is, okay, so how do

00:11:09.220 we do that? Right? Because everybody says it, but now what? So yeah, I want to explore

00:11:12.380 into that process that you take. So yeah, walk us through that.

00:11:15.420 Okay. Yeah, for sure. And I think what you're saying is true. It's like, it's one of those

00:11:18.620 things you hear probably on podcasts like yours and mine and other things that whoever's

00:11:23.480 listening to these types of things and even who's listening now, probably a lot of the

00:11:26.080 other types of media you digest, whether it's blog articles or YouTube videos, you

00:11:30.240 probably hear that a lot. Like, you know.

00:11:32.140 Yeah. And you almost roll your eyes when you hear it like, oh, really? I have to hear

00:11:35.120 this again. But so I want some real practical advice on how we can actually implement it

00:11:38.740 now.

00:11:39.020 Sure. So I'll give you like a step-by-step technique that you can use in probably like

00:11:42.640 30 minutes. It definitely takes, you know, finding some alone time for yourself where you're

00:11:46.500 not distracted. You don't have anyone who's trying to talk to you and you can sort of sit

00:11:50.060 in silence to do this and really focus on this just for 30 minutes. But it can be, I think,

00:11:55.080 really eye-opening and make you a lot more self-aware. And basically, the process starts,

00:12:01.280 I guess, by at first sort of brainstorming a list of, I don't want to give an exact number

00:12:05.360 because I hate when people give like, you have to brainstorm 25 of values or something.

00:12:09.060 But say, you know, a lot more values than less. So I'd say maybe somewhere from like 10 to

00:12:14.580 30 values. Again, I don't want to put a specific number on it. But things that you think you value,

00:12:18.280 you know, things that you think that if you picture your ideal self, like values that you

00:12:23.000 picture your ideal self having or looking at other men that you respect and writing down

00:12:26.880 values that they have. And if you're struggling to think of any values at all, I don't know if

00:12:32.280 you're familiar with Steve Pavlina. He's like an old school self-improvement guy. He has a list of

00:12:36.640 like 300 values or something. And if you just scroll through that, it's pretty easy to see which of

00:12:41.280 those sort of catch your eye, which of those you think you value. And then once you have this list

00:12:45.460 of, you know, 10, 20, 30 values that you think you value, the next idea is to sort of go through

00:12:50.520 them one by one and take the time to really consider whether or not you actually value that

00:12:57.000 or if that's just something that maybe you want to value or that you think you should value.

00:13:01.880 And I think this is where it gets tricky. And there's two main ways you can do this.

00:13:06.760 The first way is a way that Sean Russell, who runs a podcast called Menprovement,

00:13:11.880 he shared this with me and I tried it and it works well for myself. But when I tried with one of my

00:13:16.580 friends, it didn't work as well for him. So I guess it's something to try. But if you're not very

00:13:22.840 good at staying focused and mindful and meditating, it might be kind of hard. But what he shared with

00:13:27.360 me was to close your eyes and picture yourself living up to this value, whether it's something in

00:13:34.760 the past, a time that you lived up to this value in the past. So say for example, if one of my,

00:13:41.000 one of the things that I, I value would was being courageous. I think that's going to be a common

00:13:46.680 one for guys to think of, close your eyes and think of a time in the past where you really lived up to

00:13:51.180 the value of being courageous. Maybe it was, you know, standing up to someone like your boss or

00:13:55.520 someone like that. Maybe it was, you know, asking a girl out that you were scared of talking to.

00:13:59.640 Maybe it was, you know, practicing a martial art and stepping in the ring and fighting someone.

00:14:04.100 There's endless examples of courage, obviously. And there's sort of this really focus in on the

00:14:09.200 emotional response that your body has when you close your eyes and you're, you're imagining

00:14:13.100 yourself in that situation. And the idea is basically to do this for all the values that

00:14:17.460 you brainstormed and then to pick, you know, again, not to give a specific number, but the five or so

00:14:22.920 and maybe three to six values that produce the strongest emotional response. And I can tell you

00:14:28.920 when I did this, that emotional response sort of was like closing my eyes, meditating on it. And I

00:14:33.840 sort of feel like a euphoria, like I, like I was proud of myself, you know, maybe my skin was

00:14:39.060 tingling, like it was like an emotional high. I actually felt a difference. And for me, there

00:14:43.620 was three or four that were like very clear in my face, like, oh wow, that, that really makes me

00:14:47.400 feel something. And then after that, there weren't so many others. So those are the values that I sort

00:14:52.300 of chose for myself. But I think for someone who maybe does this activity and they're like, ah,

00:14:57.320 this, I don't know, this is like, this isn't doing much for me. I'd, then I'd say to think

00:15:01.520 about like on a day-to-day basis, your, your daily motivations and why you like to do the

00:15:06.960 things you like to do. Like maybe you're someone who is really afraid of standing up to people or

00:15:12.200 talking to girls or doing something courageous. And that really bothers you. Then I think you

00:15:16.100 could clearly see to encourage use curves as an example, again, that probably being courageous

00:15:21.240 is something that motivates you, even if you're not living up to it yet, if that makes any sense.

00:15:25.800 When you have, when you identify these values, I mean, I think it's easy for anybody to probably

00:15:29.980 do that exercise in the morning or take an hour or whatever it may be. And then they wash their

00:15:34.140 hands and they think, okay, I'm set. I've got that down. How do you revisit those, those things?

00:15:38.240 How do you keep those active in your life? So you're living the life that you want to live?

00:15:41.920 Sure. I think that's, I mean, the most important part of it of all, right?

00:15:45.060 Of course. Right.

00:15:45.740 So I think just by doing that alone, it will make you more self-aware. You might realize,

00:15:49.700 I definitely realized that there were some things that I thought I really valued, like maybe

00:15:54.000 trying to think what's, I did this a few, a few weeks ago, maybe being like decisive or something

00:16:00.140 like that, that I thought, oh, that's super important to me. When I, when I tried to think

00:16:03.780 of it and think about times when I was really decisive, maybe the result was, was a good,

00:16:08.040 there was a good result in my life at the time, but it wasn't really, that wasn't really like

00:16:11.340 on a deep level, my underlying value. So I think on, for one point, once you do this,

00:16:16.100 it is good to be self-aware about these things. But as you said, like, how do you make sure that

00:16:19.960 you're actually living up to them? And I think you just want to look at your life and see how

00:16:24.320 you can make these things habits, whether it's daily habits or weekly habits. So from, for example,

00:16:29.820 my, my values that I came up with, my top three were growth, courage, and mindfulness. Those were

00:16:36.740 like by far the three that when I did that activity, I had the strongest response to.

00:16:41.320 And so, so if I'm like looking at, once you have those, you want to look at them one by one and say,

00:16:45.220 how can I sort of program these into my life? Or how can I make, make sure that I'm living

00:16:49.820 up to these on a daily or weekly basis. And if you look at courage or something like that,

00:16:54.480 if I was looking at my life, I'd say, well, well, I do practice martial arts and I do spar

00:16:58.320 martial arts. Every time before I spar, I am afraid and I do feel courageous as I do it.

00:17:03.200 So that is, you know, on one way, that's me living up to that value on, you know, a couple

00:17:07.220 nights a week, I'm doing something that, that allows me to live up to that value. For growth,

00:17:12.440 here we go. Fitness is a great example for that, right? Whether, whether it's muscle growth or

00:17:16.940 whether it's losing weight and becoming more healthy, where you can measure this growth,

00:17:20.720 if you really value growth and seeing yourself shed five pounds in a month or, you know, increase

00:17:26.600 your binge press, your squat over the course of a couple of months, that's going to fulfill that

00:17:30.320 need for growth. And every time you're in the gym, you're pushing to grow a little bit, get a little

00:17:33.740 stronger. That's going to fulfill that need. And then for something like mindfulness, well, I mean,

00:17:37.880 the obvious thing would be like a daily meditation to make sure that you're actually doing that,

00:17:41.380 which I realized I really do value being mindful, but I really hadn't been meditating maybe except for

00:17:46.560 once every week or so. So when I did this, I realized how important it was for me to sort of,

00:17:51.240 you know, tune back into that particular habit to make sure that I'd live up to that value.

00:17:56.560 So basically, you're saying once you've got your values down, your top three or four values down

00:18:00.880 that really resonate with you specifically, then start creating some action steps and things that

00:18:06.120 you can do on a daily basis to practice those values and those virtues?

00:18:10.420 Exactly. And I think that's at first, you know, obviously, if you maybe you're forcing these

00:18:14.780 things at first. But I think that that's the best possible outcome at first of doing this activity,

00:18:19.640 you know, making sure that you've yeah, the exact exactly as you said it, how you have some habits

00:18:24.320 that are allowing you to practice these values on a daily basis. So I want to talk about we're coming

00:18:29.340 up on year end. And obviously, as we get to year end, and we get into the new year, a lot of guys will

00:18:34.420 have New Year's resolutions, I want to, you know, be more confident, I want to make more money,

00:18:39.380 I want to lose weight, I want to get in better shape. And we all know that very few a sliver of

00:18:44.920 a percentage actually make those things stick. So I'd like to know when you create your values in

00:18:50.680 your actions, what's separating the guys who are successful over long periods of time and making

00:18:55.180 lifelong changes, and those that just fizzle out after the first month or even week?

00:19:01.240 Right, I think that a lot of people who do New Year's resolutions or who, you know, are pressured

00:19:07.140 into setting goals, whether it's at their office, or their friend, or they just listen to a podcast

00:19:11.980 like this, and they go, I need to do this, because like they said so, I think if it's just, you're

00:19:16.560 kind of just doing it because that it's not really going to have a lasting effect on you. So I think

00:19:23.140 that that's why with this activity doing that, that visualization, I think doing that visualization

00:19:29.120 alone and seeing to seeing how it makes you feel is going to increase your, I guess, your probability

00:19:34.080 of sticking to these things in the long term, I guess that, you know, I've never thought about

00:19:38.960 that in exact, in exact regards to this particular activity. So off the top of my head, I'd say,

00:19:44.320 you know, the best thing to do, that's a really good question, because obviously, it's more

00:19:48.060 important that you stick with this over the course of, of months and years rather than today and

00:19:53.060 tomorrow would be to, you know, really to hone in on just three of them and pick three daily habits

00:19:59.920 that you can do. And then I'd revisit this activity and do these visualizations, maybe once

00:20:04.480 a week, just to remind yourself of why you're doing them and really understanding your motivation

00:20:08.900 for doing them.

00:20:10.360 Yeah, it's a good idea. I, the problem, I think, is that it becomes unsexy, right? Like it's really

00:20:15.040 sexy to lose weight when you shed that first 15 pounds. And then you realize, oh, man, I've got to

00:20:20.120 go into the gym every day, five days a week for an hour. And I'm seeing just barely, barely any

00:20:26.740 change after that first, you know, that first big push. And so I think guys, myself included,

00:20:32.540 lose momentum because we're not seeing the results of that immediately like we were before we first

00:20:36.620 started.

00:20:37.340 Yeah, I think that's a good point. Like it does become unsexy. And like with anything,

00:20:40.680 there's going to be those diminishing marginal returns. Same thing if guys trying to build muscle,

00:20:45.200 you know, at first you sort of get those like, quote unquote, noob gains that come really quick.

00:20:49.180 And then after three or four months, you're not really seeing, it's the same as with weight loss,

00:20:53.160 you're not seeing those results.

00:20:54.340 Exactly. And so a technique that a guy named Sam Thomas Davies, who was also on my podcast,

00:21:00.600 recently shared with me, and he sort of specializes in habit building, is to always

00:21:04.400 take the smallest step necessary to build a habit. So with going to the gym, he said,

00:21:10.920 just make sure that, you know, in the morning when you go to work, just put your gym bag in the car.

00:21:15.540 Usually that step is enough to get you to stop at the gym on the way home. Or I guess we're saying

00:21:21.560 meditation, I'd say just as soon as you wake up, the first thing you do in the day,

00:21:25.820 just close your eyes and decide to be mindful for three or four breaths. Because usually after

00:21:29.640 you've committed to those first three or four breaths, and you're sitting there laying there,

00:21:33.220 focusing on your breath and meditating, generally, you're not gonna, you're gonna be the path of

00:21:37.860 least resistance is going to be continued to, you know, for those five minutes that you want to.

00:21:41.560 So I think about for each habit that you've, you've thought of, think of the smallest possible

00:21:46.000 action that you can take, you know, just barely moving your finger to get yourself started and

00:21:50.760 just commit to just doing that every day. Don't even commit to the full five minutes of meditation

00:21:54.240 or, or going to the gym up front. Just commit to putting your gym clothes in the car or laying

00:21:58.780 down and focusing on three or four breaths. Yeah, I love that you talk about action. I know when I

00:22:03.140 started to lose weight, I, I, forever I've had this vision of like, I'm gonna lose 20 pounds,

00:22:08.180 I'm gonna lose 30 pounds or 40 pounds. And I had these big goals. And they never worked until I

00:22:13.360 changed my goal setting from that big goal to what are the actions I can complete on a daily basis.

00:22:18.280 So for me, it was going to the gym five days a week. And when I actually did that, I went to the

00:22:22.260 gym five days a week, things I can control the way it just came right off. It was, it was no big

00:22:26.500 deal because I was doing those actions. Yeah, it's, it's about, yeah, I think that's a really good

00:22:30.120 point. Like it's about setting goals that you have control over. Yeah. You can't, if you set the goal,

00:22:34.920 I'm going to lose 20 pounds over the next two months. I guess you do

00:22:37.980 indirectly have control over it. You don't, you can't control down to the pound and the time frame

00:22:43.100 without really obsessing and making it probably a negative thing. You're not gonna be able to

00:22:47.920 control that. So I think what you're saying is great. Like I'm gonna, I'm going to go to the gym

00:22:51.480 five times a day, or I'm going to meditate for, you know, five minutes in the morning,

00:22:55.260 make it something that you can completely control rather than something that, you know,

00:22:59.300 you might fail to do, even though your, your efforts there, and then you're just going to lose

00:23:03.280 motivation after that. So I think a lot of guys know probably what we're talking about. I think

00:23:08.660 there's not a whole lot of new information. It's just taking information than actually implementing.

00:23:13.020 So in your experience with some of your clients, why is it that men aren't taking time to do this,

00:23:20.060 like to self-reflect, to look at what they want, to go through their values, to meditate? Is there

00:23:23.880 some reoccurring reasons why we're not doing these things? So I think with, with anything, right,

00:23:29.360 with, with fitness or any goal, like the number one objection, and this is a lot for my time as a

00:23:34.060 trainer, the number one objection is always, I don't have the time, right? So I think that you

00:23:40.120 really need to, it's tough because until someone wants to do something, they're usually not going

00:23:44.800 to do something. Yeah, they're not motivated. Right. So I think it's, it's tough to, to generate

00:23:50.540 that in an, in an authentic manner, to be honest, until someone's prepared to change and until they want

00:23:56.860 it, it's going to be tough for them to actually change. So I guess rather than forcing yourself

00:24:02.240 into doing something you're not completely sold on, it's probably better to, to take the time to

00:24:08.520 consider your motivations for doing it. And I hate to give vague advice like that, but I think it's

00:24:12.280 really, it's really hard when you're working with a client, you know, one-on-one, you can really

00:24:16.840 ask them if they say, okay, I want to lose 20 pounds. You can really take the time and say, okay,

00:24:21.820 so why do you want to lose those 20 pounds? And they'll say, oh, well, because, you know,

00:24:25.980 I want to look better. And you're like, all right, well, like, what does that mean to you?

00:24:28.780 Like, why do you want to look better? And you can sort of keep drilling down until they get to the

00:24:32.080 point where it's, it's this, you know, maybe it's a lady who wants to lose 20 pounds because she wants 0.99

00:24:36.280 to be pregnant and be a healthy mother. And now when she thinks about losing 20 pounds, she's thinking

00:24:40.400 about playing with her son rather than just like this number, I want to lose 20 pounds, which doesn't

00:24:45.220 really mean anything. So I think sort of taking the time to question why, why you want to, to achieve

00:24:51.080 some outcome and just repeatedly thinking why, what's my motivation? What's my motivation?

00:24:55.040 Until you get to something that's, you know, either really painful or really empowering in

00:24:59.720 your life, like to find out what, what does it really mean to you?

00:25:02.580 Yeah, it's funny. I've got a, just a small example of that. I mean, I'll give you an idea

00:25:07.200 here. I listened to a ton of podcasts. Sometimes I get so consumed and so overwhelmed with information

00:25:12.540 that I'm not necessarily interested in. And so what I started doing instead of that is I

00:25:16.400 started focusing on just the information that I was interested at that moment, because when I

00:25:22.440 focus on other information or somebody tells me, or you give me a recommendation to listen to a

00:25:27.060 podcast, my mind gets consumed with all this information, these ideas and these strategies

00:25:31.260 that really, I may not even be interested in at the point and it becomes cluttered.

00:25:35.240 Yeah. And so I think, go ahead, go ahead.

00:25:37.080 No, you go ahead.

00:25:37.620 I was just going to say, I think the point is, is that don't focus on something somebody else is

00:25:44.240 trying you or convincing you to do. Focus on what it is for you at that moment. I think you'll

00:25:49.760 have a lot more success. I think that's a really, I think that's really powerful information. Yeah.

00:25:54.120 You just have to realize because you like listening to a certain guy's podcast and maybe whether it's

00:25:59.180 mine or yours or one of the other mini podcasts out there, YouTube channels or whatever, just

00:26:03.840 because right now they're trying to do something specific in their life, whether it's, you know,

00:26:10.080 in my life right now, maybe, you know, I'm trying to, I'm trying to pack on, on weight onto my

00:26:14.320 deadlift or I'm trying to, to, to put on muscle just, just because I'm doing that or, you know,

00:26:18.720 I'm working, working up to like an amateur and white tie fight just because I'm doing these

00:26:22.160 things doesn't mean that you should be. And I guess it comes back to owning your values and just

00:26:26.360 sort of picking a small amount of things to focus on actually improving in your life that means

00:26:31.820 something to you rather than like adopting someone else's goals. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to

00:26:37.020 jump back to something you said earlier. You're talking a lot about meditation and this is something

00:26:40.780 that frankly, I have never done before. And I imagine it would be very difficult for me to sit still

00:26:46.020 for any length of time. Tell me a little bit about how you got introduced into meditation,

00:26:50.500 maybe even some of your meditation practices so that if guys are interested in that, they can

00:26:53.860 start implementing some of those things in their lives. Right. I think that meditation is usually

00:26:57.880 sold to guys or to people in general in a very poor way because people who are already sold on

00:27:05.600 meditation, they sort of just do it because they already have that, I guess, that intrinsic motivation

00:27:10.400 to do it. But I feel like it's not really presented normally in like a very sexy way since we were

00:27:15.700 talking about sexy earlier. It's sort of seen as just, you know, I'm going to sit around and do

00:27:21.460 nothing and try and think about nothing. And then that's going to make me like a more spiritual person

00:27:25.600 or something, which doesn't, you know, it doesn't mean anything, right? Right, right. It's hard to

00:27:29.900 understand why that would actually be useful for you. Right. And for me, the benefits of meditation

00:27:35.480 are that, and I don't want to, I'm going to say that it makes you more mindful throughout the rest of

00:27:40.300 the day. And I'm not just going to say that because again, being mindful for the rest of the day

00:27:43.520 doesn't mean anything to most guys. But, you know, when you're doing some activity and you're

00:27:50.740 really involved in it and you're sort of in that state of flow where, you know, your mind's turned

00:27:54.920 off and, you know, maybe you're writing an essay or maybe you're working on, you know, if you're a

00:28:01.040 programmer, you're writing code, if you're an artist, you're working on a painting or if you're just

00:28:05.080 someone who likes to play video games, you're like working to beat the next level of your video game.

00:28:08.720 And you're sort of getting that, like, that, you know, you're in the zone or you're an athlete,

00:28:12.740 you know, you're playing soccer or basketball, you're kind of in the zone. You kind of know what

00:28:15.780 it feels like when your mind shuts off and you're sort of just, you're just going, you're just doing

00:28:19.900 what you want to do and it feels really good and really empowering. And basically for me, when I

00:28:25.100 meditate every day, it sort of like programs my mind to sort of allow myself just to get lost in the

00:28:30.920 activities that I'm doing rather than my default mode, I'd say, or most guys default mode, which is

00:28:37.200 your mind's drifting somewhere else. Maybe you're on a date with a girl, but all you're thinking

00:28:41.800 about is, you know, going home and working on your project or you're at home working on your project

00:28:45.460 and all you're thinking about is the date you're going to go on later that night. And when you do

00:28:50.300 this, you basically sort of just drown yourself in anxiety and it just kind of takes away from your

00:28:54.560 quality of life, but not in like a very obvious way because your mind's just always going at 100

00:28:58.960 miles an hour. So by meditating, I think it really just allows you to be more present of a person who

00:29:05.500 just enjoys life more. And yeah, my, my default mode is, I was just gonna say my default mode is

00:29:11.080 frantic. Just like you said, it's like, go, go, go. I've got a list a mile long of everything I

00:29:14.940 need to get done. And so I can see why having a time to sit back and reflect would be powerful for

00:29:19.440 sure. Right. Yeah, no. And that's still my default mode. I'd be lying if I said I'm some like yogi or

00:29:23.800 some weird, I don't know, quasi meditation or something. Right, right. I still definitely get

00:29:29.580 anxious. I'm anxious all the time. I know I have a lot of stress and I just tend to,

00:29:33.840 to have my mind racing, which is why I really focus on, on meditating. So to get back to,

00:29:39.580 I guess, to your original question, like how, what's an actionable way with, for guys to start

00:29:43.220 meditating and actually stick to it. So I'd say there's two ways. The way that I was introduced

00:29:48.320 to it was through my brother who was, again, he was sold on it, but he wasn't really selling it to

00:29:53.840 me in a very, very sexy way. But one day he was over my place and we had just like worked out or

00:30:00.380 something and we were waiting to go out. We were just like hanging at my place. And he was like,

00:30:04.020 all right, if I put on this guided meditation, are you down just to lay down or sit down for,

00:30:09.120 you know, for 10 minutes and listen to it and give it a shot? And I wasn't really doing anything. So

00:30:13.460 I said, sure, whatever. And there was this, this 10 minute guided meditation on YouTube that I can

00:30:17.660 send you if you want to put it in the show notes because I still recommend it to people.

00:30:22.040 Um, and it's, it was basically just, you know, someone talking you through some soothing music,

00:30:27.720 but for whatever reason, when I had the guided meditation, it was, it was someone else, you

00:30:33.500 know, doing it for me. I didn't really have to do anything. I could just sit down, hit play and do

00:30:36.940 that. So that's one recommendation. My other recommendation is for guys just, you know, at

00:30:43.200 any point during the day when, when you're feeling extra stressed or extra anxious, whether,

00:30:48.460 you know, you just don't feel like you have any more mental power to, to focus on what you're

00:30:51.560 doing, or you have some relationship issues that's just eating away at you, or, you know,

00:30:55.920 you just got cut off in traffic and you just feel yourself about to lose it. Just to sort of focus

00:31:00.620 on breathing deep breaths into your belly and sort of relaxing your shoulders and opening up your

00:31:04.720 chest. And just by doing that, and you're not even closing your eyes or anything, but just focus on

00:31:09.260 breathing into your belly and sort of relaxing your shoulders, opening up your chest. Generally by

00:31:13.360 doing that and just controlling like the physical symptoms of stress, generally that sort of

00:31:18.140 short circuits the whole process and will ease your mind. And that's sort of a, I guess like a

00:31:22.120 practice in mindfulness that's not pure meditation. It doesn't require you to, to go to a quiet place

00:31:27.300 and cross your legs or do something weird like that. Yeah, I had, I don't know if you're familiar

00:31:31.760 with, but I had retired Navy SEAL commander Mark Devine on my show and he teaches a concept called box

00:31:37.400 breathing, which is very similar to what you're talking about. He talks about breathing in for four

00:31:41.840 seconds, holding for four seconds, exhaling for four seconds, and then holding there for four

00:31:47.020 seconds and then repeating, repeating that process. And I've tried that just, just breathing, just

00:31:51.320 having deep breaths like that. And it's been really, really powerful when I get frustrated or

00:31:56.240 anxious or excited or whatever it may be. It's been powerful for me. Yeah. I think that's a really

00:32:00.000 good technique. Yeah. I think just by, yeah, by bringing your minds, your breath, and I'm going to

00:32:03.320 go back and listen to that episode now for sure. But I think, yeah, just by bringing your mind back to

00:32:07.180 your breath, it sort of takes your focus away from all the bad stuff you're thinking about.

00:32:11.700 Yeah. And I think as guys, you know, we hear things like meditation or yoga or things like that. And we think,

00:32:16.440 oh, that's not masculine. That's not tough. But, you know, guys like yourself are doing it.

00:32:20.400 Retired Navy SEAL commanders are doing it. So I think there's obviously something that we need

00:32:23.840 to look into and see how powerful this can actually be. Yeah, definitely. I would, I'd agree with you

00:32:28.820 a hundred percent. Just give it, give it a little bit of a try when you, when you feel really stressed

00:32:33.440 and, you know, I can only speak for myself, but it's definitely made a huge difference in my life.

00:32:38.400 So let's change directions a little bit because we talked about briefly through email, you and I,

00:32:43.700 about your book, Calm, Cool and Collected. Tell me a little bit about why you decided to write that

00:32:47.860 and then the premise behind the book. Sure. So I decided to write that because,

00:32:52.540 and I've self-posted a handful of other books beforehand, but up until recently, sort of

00:32:57.220 everything that I've digested in this, in this male self-improvement realm and everything that I've

00:33:02.960 put out and shared with other people has sort of been about that, like that go-getter mentality,

00:33:08.580 like dominate the world, like bend it to your will, set goals, take action, you know, make sure

00:33:12.820 you're being decisive, being, you know, super aggressive and pursuing the things you want,

00:33:16.740 which don't get me wrong. Like alpha male type stuff, right? Yeah, exactly. Like alpha male type

00:33:20.260 stuff, which don't get me wrong. If you want to create change in your life, you need to be proactive

00:33:23.200 about it. And I still completely, I still try and live up to that ideal and I still, I still preach

00:33:28.700 that because I think most people in life, maybe not people who are listening to these podcasts,

00:33:32.740 but they're probably a little more motivated, but most people in life still sort of are just too relaxed

00:33:37.160 and too just pleasure seeking and not, not really worried about seeing changes in their lives.

00:33:41.800 But for myself and for so many of the guys that I've talked with and worked with and,

00:33:46.440 and, you know, and followed, I know that it's kind of, it can be very unhealthy when you're in that,

00:33:52.160 that super, I guess, like you said, alpha male mindset where a lot of the times you start sort

00:33:56.360 of holding your, your self-esteem, your self-worth, or just your, your happiness hostage until,

00:34:01.500 until you achieve a goal, right? Whether you're like a guy who wants to, to get bigger in the gym

00:34:06.460 or lose weight in the gym, or you want to get better with women, or you want to start a business.

00:34:09.840 A lot of times you get so focused on achieving goals and taking your business to the next level

00:34:14.860 or taking your success in a specific area to the next level that you just get really hard on

00:34:20.080 yourself and you don't allow yourself to relax. And you sort of just eat away at your self-esteem,

00:34:25.220 even though you're trying to improve. So for me, writing this book was, because I know I already

00:34:30.400 have, you know, a sizable audience that listens to me about the other stuff. And I, I realized that

00:34:35.180 this is probably actually the most important message that, that I could just start to,

00:34:39.660 to broadcast right now, because since I've been able to take a step back in my life and sort of

00:34:44.660 focus more on this mindfulness stuff and, and not putting so much pressure on myself and not,

00:34:50.840 you know, demanding so much of myself, still setting goals, but at the same time being mindful that,

00:34:56.920 you know, I'm never going to be happy if, if I'm always telling myself that, you know,

00:35:00.280 I just have to keep pushing through until I get this done. Because then as soon as I,

00:35:03.120 I get, you know, create this podcast or I publish this book or I, or I go on a date with this girl

00:35:08.020 that as soon as that happens, it's, it's just how we are. We're programmed just to look forward

00:35:11.420 to the next thing. You wouldn't want, you know, a bigger house, a nicer car or whatever. So this

00:35:17.420 book was really about taking a step back from that and practical techniques you can use to sort of

00:35:22.160 stay calm, cool, collected and happy, I'd say. And always, and always the way I phrase in the book is

00:35:28.580 to always accept reality and always just really be, you know, present about what your current reality

00:35:35.080 is because, and not to turn on too much longer about this, but to, in my mind, unhappiness or

00:35:41.980 stress or anxiety always comes as a result of when you're sort of fighting against your current

00:35:45.900 reality. You know, maybe your, your girlfriend says, or maybe say your girlfriend dumped you

00:35:51.340 and you're just pissed because she dumped you. You're really sad. Those feelings are definitely

00:35:55.520 unavoidable, but you have to sort of accept your new reality. Or if you keep fighting it and saying,

00:36:00.660 I wish I was still in that relationship. I wish I hadn't done that. I wish he hadn't done this.

00:36:04.640 If you're just fighting that current reality and you're not coming to terms with your new reality,

00:36:08.380 you're, you're never going to be happy. You're never going to be able to, to calm back down.

00:36:11.900 You know, you need to always be able to sort of accept your ever changing reality.

00:36:16.060 Yeah. We talk a lot about being fulfilled, right? And I, and I know people who are fulfilled and

00:36:21.800 their level of wealth is way less than those who have extreme levels of wealth, but aren't fulfilled

00:36:27.160 in their lives. And so is there one or two action steps or just a quick idea maybe that you can share

00:36:33.080 with us from the book about how to create ease and calmness in your life? Right. So the, the,

00:36:39.540 one of the main action steps I advocate in the book is what we talked about of the, I calling,

00:36:44.660 I call it refusing to close. So the way I look at it, we have two basic emotional states,

00:36:51.240 open or closed. And when we're open, you know, we're happy, we feel good. We, we feel happy. We're,

00:36:57.640 we're open to talking with other people, joking with other people, you know, bringing value to

00:37:02.320 other people and just, just good feelings. And then the other mindset, we're closed. And that's

00:37:07.080 when we're sort of anxious, we're mad, we're sad, we're angry at ourselves or at the world,

00:37:11.400 and we're stressed out. And I think it's, it's maybe oversimplifying it to a degree,

00:37:16.520 but more or less, we're, we're either open or we're closed. And basically the way I phrase in

00:37:21.920 the book is that whenever you feel yourself starting to close, whether again, whether it's

00:37:26.640 getting in a car accident, like a Fenderman, they're not a serious accident, or, or getting

00:37:31.680 in an argument with, with your girlfriend or your boss or something like that. Generally,

00:37:35.760 there's always a sort of this, this point where you can either just close off and go in this downward

00:37:42.680 spiral, where you start overthinking everything, you start trying to think your way out of your,

00:37:47.320 your negative state, you start acting out at other people and are taking your anger out at other

00:37:51.720 people, you know, generally being passive aggressive, or you can sort of accept that

00:37:56.420 you're at this, you can accept reality that you're at this junction in your life, and you can choose to

00:38:01.320 stay open instead. You're not, it's not instantly going to solve everything. But if you stay open,

00:38:07.180 you're basically not going to, to allow some inconvenient thing that happened to you just to ruin

00:38:12.620 the rest of your day, just because something inconvenient happened to you. And the way I

00:38:16.600 advocate doing that is when you notice your mind starting to race about, you know, all the bad

00:38:21.580 things that just happened, or what you're going to do next, or trying to solve a problem, and you

00:38:25.600 notice, you know, your chest starting to tighten a little bit, basically to do exactly what I said

00:38:30.160 earlier, to do like the box breathing that that guy, that, that the Navy SEAL that you said advocated,

00:38:35.380 which, you know, basically taking deep breaths, focusing on your breaths, and focusing on allowing your

00:38:40.260 chest to stay open, and your shoulders to stay relaxed, and just focusing solely on that. And

00:38:45.180 even, you know, the voice in your head, and the bad thoughts are definitely, they're not just going

00:38:48.480 to stop, because you do that. Like, that'd be amazing if they did, but that's, that's not how

00:38:51.860 you work. Yeah. But if you, if you keep sort of focusing on that stuff, and just sort of let,

00:38:56.180 accept that the voice in your head is going to be going off, and, and trying to get you worked up,

00:39:00.800 but just sort of watching it, and just watching your breath, generally, that's enough to stay open.

00:39:05.900 And, and maybe you don't feel like that, you know, that you're on top of the world, but at least you

00:39:09.900 avoid getting in this down, depressed mood. David, this has been such a powerful conversation. I

00:39:14.740 know we're going to talk, we're, obviously, we talked a lot about meditation, and calmness,

00:39:17.940 and confidence. And so, I think this will help a lot of guys. I've got a couple more questions for

00:39:21.120 you as we wind things down. The first question is, what do you think it means to be a man?

00:39:27.000 Right. So, I know that's a question you ask all your guests, and it's a great question.

00:39:30.020 It is. It is.

00:39:31.100 So, it's, I think there's a lot of different answers to it, but I'm going to stick with,

00:39:36.680 with the theme that I went with today, because I think that, for me, especially as of late,

00:39:41.080 this is what it means. And I think it means owning your values without any guilt or any shame. So,

00:39:46.900 knowing what you value, and then living up to those values, and not allowing other people's values to,

00:39:52.620 to override your own. So, as you said, that might mean listening to a podcast, and seeing a guy who's

00:39:58.060 really passionate about lifting weights, but recognizing that, well, while being healthy is

00:40:03.200 important, but that lifting weights in your life, and making that your passion, isn't going to

00:40:06.840 fulfill you. You know, you, you prefer maybe to go out and dance, rather than lifting weights,

00:40:11.180 and just owning that up, and owning up to that, and just taking the time to, to figure out your

00:40:15.700 values, and then sort of shamelessly living up to them. I'd say with the caveat of, of not at the

00:40:20.300 expense of other people, but really just being completely comfortable with your values,

00:40:24.680 values, and taking the time to live up to them. David, how do we connect with you? If you want

00:40:28.280 to know about your book, Calm, Cool, and Collected, or How to Beast, Beastly Gentlemen, which is your

00:40:32.380 podcast, how do we reach out and connect with you? So, if you go to www.howtobeast.com, everything's

00:40:38.940 linked through there. My social media accounts, there's a contact form to email me, there's a link

00:40:43.680 to my books, there's a link to the podcast. It's easy, once you go to howtobeast.com, just to find

00:40:49.120 everything through there. Cool. Hey, I appreciate you taking your time and sharing some of your

00:40:52.760 insights. We'll be looking forward to connecting more. Thanks for being on the show today.

00:40:55.660 Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I'm looking forward to getting you on my podcast soon.

00:40:59.520 There you have it, guys. Mr. David DeLas-Marenas talking about confidence, calmness,

00:41:03.100 setting goals, and building habits. I hope that this show is as helpful for you as it is for me,

00:41:08.460 especially as a lot of you are working on those New Year's resolutions. Now, speaking of that,

00:41:12.780 again, we have opened up the Iron Council. This is a mastermind where we are going to delve further

00:41:17.020 into eight key skill sets every single man needs to master. If you're serious

00:41:22.300 about hitting your goals in 2016, whatever those goals are, I cannot think of a better

00:41:26.500 resource to help you do that. If you're interested, head to orderofman.com slash

00:41:29.620 ironcouncil. You'll learn a little bit more about what it's all about there,

00:41:33.680 and you'll also be able to sign up. Remember our Dopp Kit giveaway from our friends over

00:41:37.640 at Seneca Creek. Head to orderofman.com slash Seneca Creek giveaway too. This will be a weekly

00:41:43.840 giveaway, so make sure you stay tuned for that. Guys, I look forward to talking with you next week,

00:41:49.180 but until then, take action and become the man you were meant to be. Thank you for listening to the

00:41:54.320 Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant

00:41:59.340 to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - January 05, 2016

OoM 042： How to be Confident, Cool, and Collected with David De Las Morenas

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