Order of Man - OoM 050： How to Talk with Women with Tripp Lanier

00:00:00.000 Meeting and approaching women can be one of the most difficult things that a man can do. 1.00

00:00:03.640 We get nervous, we don't know what to say, or worse, we end up saying something stupid 0.99

00:00:06.920 and we have a hard time just being ourselves. 0.97

00:00:10.120 My guest today, Tripp Kramer with TrippAdvice.com, teaches us why talking to women is so hard,

00:00:14.860 how we can overcome this fear, how to keep ourselves out of the friend zone, and so much more.

00:00:20.460 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest.

00:00:23.320 Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:25.980 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:30.700 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.

00:00:35.760 This is your life. This is who you are.

00:00:38.280 This is who you will become at the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:45.660 Men, what's going on? My name is Ryan Michler, and I am the founder of Order of Man.

00:00:49.940 If you're new to the podcast today, we talk about all things manly here.

00:00:52.520 Leadership, self-mastery, relationships, wealth, business, health, a ton more.

00:00:56.760 Basically, all of the manly conversations you want to have wrapped up in one place.

00:01:01.220 Now, today we'll be talking about a topic that I know is on a lot of guys' minds,

00:01:04.760 and that is the right way to talk with women. 1.00

00:01:07.680 But before I get too much into this conversation, I do want to share with you a resource.

00:01:11.680 I get a lot of guys out there that want to take this learning from the blog and the podcast to the next level.

00:01:17.480 Really start implementing this information into their lives.

00:01:19.920 And if that's you, you will need to check out the Iron Council.

00:01:23.900 This is Order of Man's Elite Mastermind Group.

00:01:26.280 Me and the rest of the guys get together virtually every single week.

00:01:29.740 We discuss the topics that are important to us.

00:01:31.960 For example, we're talking about all things wealth building this week.

00:01:36.580 But the biggest advantage, the biggest takeaway is that we've built in accountability.

00:01:41.100 So you'll actually do what you've always talked about doing, and you'll see the results.

00:01:46.940 Now, this isn't for everyone, but the one thing I have noticed is that the men who really see big results in their lives

00:01:52.400 are the ones who take action, they invest their time, they invest their money, and they get to work.

00:01:57.600 So head to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil, get all the details there, and we hope that you'll join us.

00:02:03.220 Now, let's get into the show today.

00:02:04.380 Remember, as always, you can find the links, the resources, the discussion over at orderofman.com slash 050.

00:02:10.920 We're in our 50th episode, and of course, you can also join in the conversation we're having

00:02:15.280 with over 2,400 men now in our Facebook group at facebook.com slash groups slash orderofman.

00:02:22.260 Men, I am excited to introduce you to my guest today, Mr. Tripp Kramer.

00:02:26.120 Tripp is the founder and CEO of the Tripp Advice Podcast and blog,

00:02:29.980 which is a resource for men just like you and me to help us take our sex and our dating lives to the next level.

00:02:36.300 And just like you and me, Tripp was your typical shy guy, but decided to tackle his challenges with women head on.

00:02:43.520 And so after years of practicing and rejection, Tripp has devoted his life to helping other men create thriving dating lives.

00:02:50.880 He does this through e-books and online courses, coaching, podcasting.

00:02:54.240 All of those things can be found at trippadvice.com.

00:02:58.340 Tripp, what's going on, man? Thanks for joining us on the show today.

00:03:00.740 Hey, Ryan. Happy to be here, man. This is great.

00:03:02.460 Right. So this is a topic that is on – it should be on every guy's mind, not just men who are dating women,

00:03:09.020 but I imagine it also should be a topic for guys who are married as well, right?

00:03:13.620 Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I mean it could be really for any guy.

00:03:17.460 And plus, you never know what's going to happen to – they're just good skills to have and good things to learn.

00:03:23.340 Right. So when it comes to dating and it comes to relationships and it comes to all these things,

00:03:29.400 talk to me about what some of your audience is experiencing and why the message that you have is resonating with guys so much.

00:03:36.640 Yeah. I mean I think there's a lot of guys out there who have never learned how to really be around a woman

00:03:47.320 and be comfortable with it and taking that a step further, even being around a woman, being comfortable and being able to actually talk to her in a way

00:03:56.660 where you're trying to attract her or court her or whatever you want to call it.

00:04:02.200 And, you know, there's a million reasons why. I mean every guy comes from a different situation.

00:04:06.720 Some people, they're just born shy, right?

00:04:09.420 I think I was born a little bit shy, right?

00:04:12.280 I think a lot of other guys, maybe they didn't have a mom around when they first started growing up, right?

00:04:16.620 So they didn't really get to develop those skills of interacting with a woman.

00:04:20.280 Other guys, maybe they just had some really bad experiences with women in, you know, junior high, high school, college

00:04:26.620 that really kind of scared the hell out of them and made it so it was just really that more difficult to be able to talk to girls 0.93

00:04:34.960 and hook up with girls and get a girlfriend and just kind of do all the normal things a kid should be able to do, right?

00:04:41.820 And, of course, there's other stuff too.

00:04:44.200 There's self-esteem issues, insecurity issues, all these things that can prevent us from being able to attract a woman.

00:04:50.760 And plus, there's just a general, maybe everything in your life is perfectly fine

00:04:55.080 and you were raised by a mom and you, you know, had normal experiences as a kid

00:05:00.840 and you don't even have any insecurity issues, but maybe you just really don't know.

00:05:04.880 You're just not really aware of what women are attracted to, what they want, what they're looking for in a man, right?

00:05:10.920 So, it's just a whole list of different reasons why people come and listen to my podcast,

00:05:17.520 the How to Talk to Girls podcast and go on the YouTube channel to find out about what it really takes

00:05:22.220 to kind of speak like the language of flirting and women and understanding kind of what they're looking for in a guy. 0.98

00:05:33.180 So, that's what I hope to do.

00:05:34.160 Well, it's really interesting because, you know, it sounds weird saying this,

00:05:39.460 but this is something I've never really had a problem with.

00:05:41.640 Like, I've never had a problem approaching women.

00:05:43.380 I've never had a problem having a conversation with women. 0.59

00:05:45.500 And partly the reason, I think, is because I was raised pretty much by my mom.

00:05:51.080 My dad wasn't really in the picture.

00:05:52.760 There wasn't a male figure around.

00:05:54.440 So, it was my mom and my sister and me.

00:05:56.320 So, communicating with women, as difficult as it can sometimes be, is something I just learned growing up.

00:06:02.460 And so, it's hard for me to understand why it's difficult for a guy to go up and approach a woman that he's attracted to.

00:06:09.800 Is this something that is learned for guys?

00:06:14.300 Is it something that some guys just naturally have?

00:06:17.240 How do we develop the skill of being able to talk to and approach women? 1.00

00:06:22.040 Well, I mean, yeah, it depends.

00:06:24.640 You know, some guys, you know, let's put it this way.

00:06:27.220 And, again, there's so many different situations.

00:06:29.040 Like, I've worked with some guys.

00:06:30.480 I've coached some guys who are good-looking guys who actually just killed it in high school.

00:06:36.980 I'm talking they were the, you know, they were the popular guy in high school.

00:06:41.120 Sure.

00:06:41.540 And girls would just flock to them. 0.87

00:06:44.320 And it was easy.

00:06:45.780 And I think what that does to your self-esteem, you feel great.

00:06:48.980 Like, oh, girls want me. 1.00

00:06:50.380 I'm wanted, right?

00:06:51.280 You feel amazing.

00:06:52.600 And then in college, that starts to happen.

00:06:55.220 But then some of these guys, it starts to fall off for them, you know, sometime after the kind of, kind of, like, immature years.

00:07:05.100 And all of a sudden, like, women aren't talking to them anymore.

00:07:07.720 And they're not approaching them anymore.

00:07:09.560 And so now this guy was like, wait, what's happening?

00:07:12.120 And what's really happened is he never had to develop any skills for socializing because he would just kind of have it come to him.

00:07:20.960 So now he's in the real world, right?

00:07:23.240 He's 22 and up.

00:07:24.740 And he's like, oh, shoot.

00:07:26.380 Like, I got to actually make an effort to talk to these girls. 0.95

00:07:29.600 Right, right.

00:07:30.240 That's kind of scary.

00:07:31.300 I've never really done that.

00:07:32.860 And this whole idea of rejection.

00:07:34.440 Even though they weren't rejected when they were growing up, now it's like they kind of go try.

00:07:40.160 And all of a sudden, they'd find it's a little more difficult than it used to be, relatively.

00:07:44.900 Sure.

00:07:45.080 So these guys need a lot of help.

00:07:47.140 So, yeah, I mean, listen, this is something that can be learned.

00:07:50.760 And that's what I luckily, really, I feel lucky that I found out because all my life I didn't understand or was not aware that this is something that can be learned.

00:08:01.260 I grew up watching TV shows like Saved by the Bell or things like that where, like, the jocks got the girls and the nerds, you know, they just didn't.

00:08:13.840 They didn't, right.

00:08:14.680 And that's just kind of that.

00:08:16.240 And I don't even consider myself a nerd or anything like Screech.

00:08:21.040 But I was far from a jock, right?

00:08:23.840 I was not one of those good-looking, chiseled muscle guys. 0.98

00:08:27.160 I was, you know, I was like a fucking skinny, lanky dude. 0.97

00:08:30.140 I still am. 0.97

00:08:31.520 And I was just like, well, you know, what am I going to do?

00:08:35.420 That wasn't even a question of what am I going to do because I didn't even know that that was a question.

00:08:43.420 Right, right.

00:08:44.460 I just stumbled upon this stuff online about people actually learning about how to meet girls.

00:08:50.740 And that was crazy to me because I never – this is how deeply embedded this idea of not learning the skill was.

00:08:59.040 I didn't even think to ask the question on Google, which thousands and millions of people are doing every month.

00:09:05.920 They're just researching how to talk to girls and what to say and how to date.

00:09:10.520 I didn't even know that that was something that would even exist.

00:09:14.440 Yeah, sure.

00:09:15.380 How do you sift through all the garbage?

00:09:17.900 I mean I know there's probably a lot of great information out there that will help you build your confidence

00:09:21.720 and even give you some techniques and strategies that you can use to make it easier.

00:09:25.240 But then there's probably some absolute just horrible information that's completely destructive

00:09:30.060 and exactly the opposite of what you probably should be doing.

00:09:33.260 Right.

00:09:33.480 I mean listen, a lot of it – there's two things.

00:09:35.640 First of all, you got to find out what works for you because there's so much stuff out there.

00:09:41.000 Okay, so that's kind of the first thing.

00:09:42.540 But within that – within there, really you got to find stuff that's going to feel as natural as possible.

00:09:53.900 Now, I say that kind of in a way where none of this stuff is going to feel natural

00:09:58.740 because you're going to start to learn concepts and skills that you never really had

00:10:04.720 and things that you've never done before.

00:10:06.840 So none of it is going to feel perfectly natural.

00:10:08.880 But if you find something out there that's teaching you to completely be like the opposite of who you are

00:10:17.700 or telling you to say like fake stories about yourself or teach you how to like lie in a way

00:10:25.040 or kind of manipulate because there's a lot of stuff out there that is –

00:10:28.840 that might not seem like manipulation.

00:10:30.700 But it is because you're not really being very truthful in the way that you're trying to approach

00:10:36.880 and attract girls.

00:10:38.340 That's the stuff you got to be wary of, you know.

00:10:40.480 So, I mean I can sit here and tell you kind of the who's who of –

00:10:43.860 but I really don't want to.

00:10:45.320 I want people to kind of discover this on their own and find out.

00:10:48.480 I mean personally, obviously my stuff is very natural.

00:10:52.800 But hey, you know you might listen to my stuff.

00:10:54.200 It might not resonate with you.

00:10:55.980 It all depends.

00:10:56.920 There's a lot of stuff out there.

00:10:58.380 So, make it – try to make sure it's the most natural for you

00:11:02.460 and also stuff that you resonate the most with.

00:11:06.420 I really like that because a lot of guys will come to me and not necessarily for dating advice.

00:11:10.260 That's not really up my alley.

00:11:11.640 But they'll say things like, Ryan, how do I do X or how do I get better at this?

00:11:17.620 And what I've come to realize is that most guys probably already know what it is they need to do.

00:11:24.020 But for some reason, they're not doing it.

00:11:25.620 There's this block as to why they're not actually completing what they know they need to do.

00:11:29.660 Do you run into that too when it comes to dating and approaching women?

00:11:32.820 Yeah.

00:11:33.020 I mean totally.

00:11:33.880 You know, there's so much information out there that we – and I'm guilty of this – in all different areas of learning,

00:11:40.900 you kind of start getting really entertained by the idea of being able to do some of the stuff that you might hear.

00:11:49.400 You get into daydreaming, right?

00:11:51.460 Right.

00:11:51.620 You think about how great it will be but you never do it.

00:11:53.420 Right.

00:11:53.680 And sometimes people feel just good enough in that point.

00:11:56.940 They feel like, oh, you know, like, yeah, I'll eventually be able to get that girl

00:12:00.200 or I'm going to be starting my own business or I'm going to be really productive

00:12:03.540 or I'm going to lose that weight or gain that muscle.

00:12:06.200 And it's like you kind of get really excited about it but you don't end up pushing yourself to actually do it.

00:12:13.500 That's why actually on my podcast, I'm constantly just telling every single person who listens, like,

00:12:18.720 this stuff is not good enough as information.

00:12:22.440 You need to put it into practice.

00:12:25.280 Right.

00:12:25.760 Right.

00:12:26.280 Yeah.

00:12:26.460 Yeah, I talk a lot about the process that I've been on with my health over the past several years

00:12:30.800 and there's no way you can read your way to better health, right?

00:12:33.460 At some point, you've got to get into the gym and you've got to start pushing weights around

00:12:37.460 and it's going to hurt and it's going to be uncomfortable and you're not going to be able to do it 1.00

00:12:40.740 and you're probably going to look like an idiot. 1.00

00:12:42.620 But the more you do it, the better you get. 1.00

00:12:44.860 Right.

00:12:45.400 Exactly.

00:12:46.260 And, you know, a lot of people, they get overwhelmed.

00:12:49.460 There's a lot of stuff out there.

00:12:50.860 I mean, how many podcasts, you know, exist on every single topic

00:12:55.500 and then there's subtopics in, you know, the categories of podcasts.

00:13:00.720 You can go on forever.

00:13:01.860 There's so much.

00:13:03.160 So what do you do?

00:13:04.100 And my advice is, honestly, you just pick one thing, just one tip, one technique,

00:13:11.140 one thing that you might hear on this podcast, on my podcast, any other podcast you listen to.

00:13:16.680 If you can pick one thing and just take action, and it can be really small.

00:13:21.620 It doesn't even matter the size of the, I don't know, tasks that you want to complete.

00:13:27.580 If you just pick one thing and take action on it, you've already, you're significantly ahead

00:13:34.820 than where you once were doing nothing.

00:13:37.760 I remember reading this, or no, it was an audiobook I was listening to called Mini Habits.

00:13:43.880 It was really, really good.

00:13:46.540 And I remember the author, the guy, was saying that it is, from the point of doing absolutely

00:13:55.780 nothing to doing just something, that space right there is massive, right?

00:14:02.520 Like, that's the hardest space.

00:14:03.940 So he had something called the one push-up method to help get over that space, which

00:14:09.480 was, you know, just, if you want to do, if you want to start working out, just do one

00:14:14.000 push-up.

00:14:14.560 Just get yourself to do one.

00:14:16.160 Literally, actually do one.

00:14:18.060 Because the hardest part is breaking into the part where you need to take action.

00:14:23.560 So you do that one push-up, and that will automatically take you into doing a second push-up and a

00:14:31.620 third push-up. 0.75

00:14:32.280 And you're like, ah, it's funny.

00:14:33.660 Hey, let me do something else right now.

00:14:35.160 So it's all about taking just the first step, because that's the hardest step.

00:14:39.420 And that was kind of mind-blowing.

00:14:40.740 I was like, wow, I never really thought about it that way.

00:14:43.280 So, okay.

00:14:44.060 So let's say somebody's listening to this, and they think, yeah, I know I need to get better

00:14:48.440 at dating.

00:14:48.940 I know I want to approach women.

00:14:50.380 I know I want to have this dating life.

00:14:52.240 What are a couple of examples of the quote-unquote one thing that they should be thinking about

00:14:57.260 implementing first?

00:14:58.740 Okay, well, it's kind of meta, but that is in itself the first action step.

00:15:04.680 So it's like your first action step could be sitting down with your iPad or a piece of

00:15:09.920 paper or whatever you want to do, and figure out all the areas that you struggle with in

00:15:15.720 terms of dating.

00:15:16.440 Because I can't really tell you right now, or whoever's listening, do this.

00:15:20.940 Right, right.

00:15:21.540 Because it all depends.

00:15:22.520 Some guys have approach anxiety, where they are scared to talk to girls.

00:15:26.940 Some guys don't have that.

00:15:28.440 And they're just like, well, I keep getting thrown into the friend zone.

00:15:31.240 So it's kind of up to you to figure out, you know, what problem do you want to attack?

00:15:36.040 And again, there's no right answer.

00:15:38.300 I mean, whatever it is that you feel you have an issue with, try to figure that out first.

00:15:42.180 That would be the first action step to figure that out.

00:15:44.960 And then the second action step would be, all right, do one tiny thing that could push you

00:15:51.580 one step forward into solving that issue.

00:15:55.180 And if you're like, well, I don't know what that thing is, trust me, just go into Google,

00:15:59.840 go to my podcast, go on YouTube, go wherever you want, type in whatever that issue is that

00:16:05.080 you wrote down.

00:16:06.060 You'll find something.

00:16:07.200 And you'll find some sort of action step to do.

00:16:09.580 There's just stuff everywhere.

00:16:11.960 Right, right.

00:16:12.740 Yeah.

00:16:13.080 You've got to take that action.

00:16:14.340 You've got to do it.

00:16:15.880 So let's talk about the friend zone for a minute.

00:16:17.860 Because my thought has always been, hey, if you get pushed in the friend zone, she's just

00:16:21.520 not into that, into you.

00:16:23.080 And it's time to move on.

00:16:24.820 But maybe this is a reoccurring trend that some guys see.

00:16:27.680 And there's something on their end that they're doing to put themselves there.

00:16:31.240 Tell me a little bit about that.

00:16:32.300 Yeah, basically, guys who end up in the friend zone,

00:16:35.800 what I've seen, the most common reason why guys end up there, is because they're treating

00:16:42.820 the girl like a friend.

00:16:45.020 Okay?

00:16:45.260 They're treating the girl like she's just, she's like a dude, like any other guy.

00:16:51.480 Right?

00:16:51.920 Right, right.

00:16:52.100 The guys are too scared to get rejected, so they don't push their flirting boundaries.

00:17:00.040 They don't flirt.

00:17:01.020 They don't say any, they don't give her any compliments.

00:17:03.340 They don't use flirtatious body language.

00:17:06.180 They don't touch her in any way.

00:17:08.460 You know, they just want to be very careful as they move forward with what they think is

00:17:16.640 the courting process, which is usually just befriending them.

00:17:20.800 And then from there, hoping on some level that the girl will see them as, you know, as a

00:17:28.720 potential mate or someone to date.

00:17:30.480 And don't get me wrong, yeah, once in a while that can work.

00:17:33.940 But more times than not, it doesn't.

00:17:36.460 Because if the girl doesn't see the guy making a move, she's going to feel friend-zoned.

00:17:43.240 And then she's going to be like, oh, well, he just thinks of me as a friend.

00:17:47.220 Well, I guess I'm just going to have to think of him as a friend too.

00:17:50.220 Or they don't even think of this guy at all as a potential mate because the guy isn't

00:17:57.680 doing anything.

00:17:59.240 So therefore, he's just automatically going into the friend zone.

00:18:02.340 The girl doesn't even think twice about it.

00:18:04.460 And then all of a sudden, the guy gets so fed up that, you know, six months later, he's

00:18:09.360 like, you don't understand.

00:18:10.780 I love you.

00:18:11.440 I've always loved you.

00:18:12.220 And she's like, whoa, what?

00:18:13.640 What are you talking about?

00:18:14.900 Yeah, like, what's going on?

00:18:16.420 And then she's like, I had no idea.

00:18:18.780 And there you go.

00:18:19.440 There's your first hint right there.

00:18:20.940 She had no idea.

00:18:22.440 So the guys have to realize that as sucky as it feels to get rejected, it is so much

00:18:30.680 better to have at least tried with this girl because you never know what's going to happen.

00:18:35.900 And you really, it's not fun.

00:18:38.340 And most guys end up finding out through their own experiences.

00:18:41.560 It's not fun to just wait and hope for the best and then eventually realize that.

00:18:46.420 And then all of a sudden, you're in the same position you would be if you just said to

00:18:50.680 her in the beginning that you were interested in her and then ended up maybe getting rejected

00:18:55.340 too.

00:18:55.660 And that's a key word is maybe is that you still might not.

00:18:59.240 So at the end, it's always going to be the best opportunity for you to just go and learn

00:19:04.460 how to flirt and ask her on a date and tell you like her and just go for it because you

00:19:09.280 never know what's going to happen.

00:19:11.120 So this is a principle I actually use in my financial planning practice.

00:19:14.160 And if somebody is going to reject you, they're going to say no.

00:19:18.460 They're either going to do it now or later.

00:19:20.940 So they're going to do it at some point.

00:19:22.680 And when it comes to my financial planning practice, if they're going to say no to me,

00:19:26.180 I want them to say no as quickly as possible so I can move on and spend my time and energy

00:19:30.860 and resources on somebody else.

00:19:32.380 Yes.

00:19:32.560 And it sounds like that's a lot about what you're talking about here.

00:19:34.800 Yeah.

00:19:34.960 Everything in life, honestly, everything, this is what I'm learning recently, everything

00:19:39.940 is, I guess, I don't know, scientifically speaking, maybe is like is a conversion rate,

00:19:47.140 right?

00:19:47.400 It's like you're not going to win most of the time.

00:19:51.300 Most of the time you're going to lose.

00:19:53.540 I don't say that in a negative way.

00:19:55.520 I'm saying that more in a positive way because I'm not saying all the time, most of the time.

00:19:59.760 So anything you're going to do, you're going to 50 to 80% of the time get rejected or you're

00:20:05.840 going to get a loss.

00:20:06.660 You can name probably anything right now and I'll tell you that it applies to pretty much

00:20:10.740 everything.

00:20:11.640 But the point is, is you need to take the action and do the steps you need to take to

00:20:16.680 get all, to get through that and get those no's or rejections or those mistakes or those

00:20:22.380 screw ups or not getting the proper form on your squat, whatever you're doing, you know?

00:20:27.820 And then all of a sudden, you start to learn from those mistakes and there's where that

00:20:32.280 like 20 to 30% comes in.

00:20:34.200 You know, you actually start to get dates.

00:20:36.240 You actually start to make the sales.

00:20:39.440 You know, you end up learning from whatever you're doing and you're starting to see the

00:20:43.760 results.

00:20:44.320 But it takes screw ups and some pain mentally and physically, you know, whatever it is that

00:20:50.260 you're doing to get through to end up getting those wins.

00:20:53.160 But when you start to win, like for example, you're going to, you're going to approach 10

00:20:56.920 girls, two girls end up saying yes, eight girls say no.

00:21:01.580 You don't even care about those other eight because you're, yeah, it doesn't matter.

00:21:06.040 You don't care.

00:21:06.460 And I'm not saying that as like a motivate, you actually won't care.

00:21:09.560 You're on a date with a beautiful girl.

00:21:11.720 You're not thinking of the other mistakes or the other rejections that you made.

00:21:16.680 You're just so excited that what you did finally worked.

00:21:20.120 So that's something you kind of have to go in thinking.

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00:22:37.860 Now let's get back to my interview with Tripp.

00:22:39.600 Yeah, and I like what you talk about with the friend zone.

00:22:45.180 I mean, this is probably overgeneralizing it, but it seems to me that if you never push

00:22:50.220 the boundary a little bit, at least give a woman some sort of your intention, then you're 0.96

00:22:56.340 going to have to find a woman who is maybe a little bit more forward or a little bit more 1.00

00:23:02.240 aggressive.

00:23:03.000 And generally speaking, it seems like society says, no, that's the man's responsibility.

00:23:07.700 So you've got to let your intentions know, right?

00:23:10.560 Yeah.

00:23:11.000 And the thing is, is it is the man's responsibility.

00:23:16.020 And I actually think that's a wonderful thing that guys don't realize.

00:23:20.120 A lot of guys complain on that front.

00:23:21.720 Like, why do we have to do all the work?

00:23:23.620 I mean, listen, I feel lucky to be a guy.

00:23:26.560 I mean, the fact that I can, it's up to me to do all that stuff that puts me in control.

00:23:32.280 Anything where you're in control, that's where you want to be.

00:23:36.000 So the fact that it's up to you to do all that stuff, you get to pick and choose who

00:23:40.100 you want to talk to, who you want to approach.

00:23:42.420 It's your decision where you guys go on the first date, when you want to lean in for the

00:23:47.820 first kiss, when you want to say I love you, when you want to have sex for the first time, 0.74

00:23:52.160 when you want to get married.

00:23:53.820 I mean, of course, you know, girls will make first moves too. 1.00

00:23:58.260 That's not unheard of.

00:23:59.260 But it's pretty awesome for you, the guy, to be able to be in control of that stuff and

00:24:05.080 make those moves.

00:24:06.320 And it's great because here's the really cool part that a lot of guys don't realize,

00:24:10.580 is that just making the first move, just whatever it is, you know, going and doing the approach,

00:24:19.420 asking her on a date, figuring out the place where you guys are going to go, those things

00:24:24.400 right there, that's already going to make you more attractive, just doing it.

00:24:30.120 And it's like, oh, that's easy.

00:24:31.580 It is.

00:24:32.160 It's so easy.

00:24:33.340 Just taking and making the moves is already going to put you in a category of, oh, this

00:24:39.320 guy is in control.

00:24:40.460 This guy is dominant.

00:24:41.680 He's confident.

00:24:43.480 And those are the things that women are attracted to. 1.00

00:24:45.400 So it's really this great blessing.

00:24:47.380 So I think somebody's probably going to get after me for saying what I'm going to say next.

00:24:51.080 But one of the primary responsibilities of a man is to be a leader.

00:24:55.980 And I think women want a leader in a man. 0.99

00:25:00.020 I know my wife certainly wants to be, wants me to be authoritative, wants me to have a

00:25:05.400 leadership role, wants me to give guidance and direction.

00:25:07.820 And that's our responsibility.

00:25:09.480 I know a society has changed that a little bit and has tried to equalize that.

00:25:12.880 But at the end of the day, that's built into humans since we've been on this planet and

00:25:17.000 been in existence.

00:25:17.620 Is that right?

00:25:18.380 Oh, yeah, absolutely.

00:25:19.220 Leadership is one of the more attractive traits that women see in a man.

00:25:26.880 So if you can somehow display that, and there's a lot of ways you can, actually, women are 1.00

00:25:35.100 going to love it.

00:25:36.900 It's just a very masculine trait.

00:25:39.480 And women are looking for those masculine traits. 1.00

00:25:42.500 Not consciously, by the way.

00:25:44.200 They're not saying that they're friends over a Cosmo.

00:25:46.740 You know, I'm really looking for a guy who's more of a leader.

00:25:49.940 Right, right, right.

00:25:51.380 That's not happening.

00:25:52.660 But they're looking for it.

00:25:54.820 And they don't even know what they like about you when you do display that trait.

00:25:59.100 They're just attracted because you're just more of a man.

00:26:02.520 So this seems like a weird question to ask.

00:26:04.840 But I know that we have a hard time in certain circumstances reading people.

00:26:09.780 So how do you know if a woman is ready for you to take it out of the friend zone? 1.00

00:26:17.160 And how do you find that balance between, I want to push the boundaries a little bit,

00:26:21.040 but I don't want to be too aggressive?

00:26:22.620 And how do you read a woman when it comes to what she's into and what she's not into? 0.71

00:26:26.860 Well, let me take it a step back, okay?

00:26:29.480 So we can really start from the beginning here.

00:26:31.620 A guy needs to be, okay, I'm going to talk to the guys who are not in the friend zone with a girl yet, right? 0.89

00:26:40.080 So, because really you can sit here all day and you can try to figure out how to get out of the friend zone.

00:26:45.540 But, you know, that's not really a skill that you want.

00:26:49.080 Yeah, just don't get into it in the first place.

00:26:50.560 Exactly.

00:26:51.100 You want to avoid it, right?

00:26:52.980 You want to avoid it.

00:26:53.920 Let's treat the disease, not the symptoms.

00:26:58.640 You know what I'm saying?

00:26:59.660 So I want guys to know that if they're interested in a girl,

00:27:04.560 the second that they start to talk to them or approach them or whatever they're introduced,

00:27:09.800 the second that happens, there is no friend zone, okay?

00:27:14.080 You have to know that it doesn't start as friends.

00:27:16.500 Like, it doesn't exist.

00:27:18.540 That's got to be your mindset.

00:27:20.240 It does not exist from the second you talk to her.

00:27:22.580 So, practically, what does that actually mean?

00:27:25.860 What does that look like?

00:27:26.940 Well, that means that you're going to be flirting with her and courting her the second that you guys start talking.

00:27:34.860 And there's ways to do that, right?

00:27:36.480 So here's a little tip.

00:27:37.640 Like, if you get introduced to a girl, for example,

00:27:40.120 and maybe, you know, you were looking at her across the room and you, like, told on your friends, like, who is that?

00:27:45.620 Like, oh, that's, you know, that's Stephanie. 0.98

00:27:48.140 Like, oh, will you introduce me to Stephanie?

00:27:49.700 Yeah, for sure.

00:27:50.380 And all of a sudden, they introduce you and you shake her hand.

00:27:54.380 You can look in her eyes, like, look directly into one of her pupils and just give a really kind of light smile.

00:28:04.660 And then you hold that for, like, three to five seconds, which is kind of a long time, actually.

00:28:11.100 Yeah.

00:28:11.240 Right there, you're already sending signals to her, I'm interested in you.

00:28:17.440 Right.

00:28:17.620 So a lot of that's subtle communication.

00:28:20.140 And so I guess my answer to your question really is guys need to start doing that right from the beginning.

00:28:25.740 And then there's signs that you can find out if they're interested.

00:28:28.940 The thing is, is you actually do want to be more assertive.

00:28:31.560 If anything, you want to be more assertive and less passive because if you're more passive, then you're going to end up in the friend zone.

00:28:42.900 But, you know, there's levels.

00:28:44.280 I mean, you know, obviously, right, let's go to an extreme.

00:28:47.240 You're not going to be like, oh, nice to meet you, Stephanie, and start making out with her. 1.00

00:28:50.560 Obviously not.

00:28:51.220 Of course.

00:28:51.620 Right.

00:28:52.140 That's too much.

00:28:53.440 But, you know, if she's giving you that smile back, you guys get in the conversation, you know, you're making her laugh a little bit.

00:29:01.060 You guys are having interesting deep talks about whatever.

00:29:04.860 She touches you a little bit, like on the arm when you say something.

00:29:08.820 She's smiling.

00:29:09.600 You guys have created what I call this bubble where it's like you guys are wherever you are, at a party, at a bar, in the sidewalk, at a restaurant.

00:29:17.920 And it's like there's nothing – and you can tell with you and her that you're in this bubble where nothing else seems to even matter right outside of the conversation that you two are having.

00:29:30.720 That means you kind of got her in, right?

00:29:34.180 You guys are in this connection.

00:29:35.720 You're creating this connection.

00:29:37.700 And then at that point, you can push even further, right?

00:29:40.580 You can maybe go for the kiss.

00:29:42.440 You can ask for her number, right?

00:29:44.640 Things like that.

00:29:45.420 So it's all about creating that moment with a girl where she can get the opportunity to be attracted to you.

00:29:53.360 Right.

00:29:53.600 Yeah, I love it.

00:29:54.420 What about – so obviously one of the biggest things, I'm sure the hurdles, is just that fear factor like you've talked about before.

00:30:01.940 Are there some things or strategies or ideas that you have to maybe lessen the fear factor or create an environment that's not quite as threatening?

00:30:09.460 Yeah, absolutely.

00:30:10.180 I mean it's funny.

00:30:11.840 I was just on a podcast the other day where I was talking about this kind of step-by-step system that I really like because it seems to work with a lot of my students and people who have used it.

00:30:25.820 And there's so many different stuff out there.

00:30:27.300 But I like this one the best because it really is the most practical.

00:30:30.540 And it's this idea that's called systematic desensitization.

00:30:36.180 I did not make that up.

00:30:37.300 It's just a fancy term for desensitizing you to whatever it is that you fear, right?

00:30:43.440 Okay, yeah.

00:30:44.000 So if people, guys, fear approaching a girl or talking to a girl, flirting with a girl, you can really take this really slow baby-step approach to kind of work your way up to it, right?

00:30:55.540 So I might tell a guy, okay, go up to that girl.

00:30:58.620 Tell her you think she's cute and flirt with her within the first 30 seconds. 1.00

00:31:05.300 That can be very tough for a guy.

00:31:06.980 That's not really a first step right there.

00:31:09.820 Yeah, that's a big leap.

00:31:10.800 You want to get to that point, right?

00:31:12.580 So I'd say, well, why don't you just start with actually friendzoning girls, right?

00:31:18.420 Because maybe you haven't had any experience even doing that.

00:31:21.620 Well, let's just get you to friendzone these girls. 1.00

00:31:25.000 And why would you want to do that?

00:31:26.160 Well, it just gets you started into having conversations with girls, right? 0.98

00:31:30.760 So there, that friendzone part, that's the only kind of time when it's okay because you're not really used to talking to girls.

00:31:37.740 You're not really used to being comfortable around their presence.

00:31:41.620 So make any excuse to go up and talk to them.

00:31:44.580 Hey, excuse me, do you know what time it is?

00:31:46.240 Excuse me, I'm trying to go to the Starbucks around the corner.

00:31:50.720 Is it right there or am I in the wrong direction?

00:31:53.520 Whatever it is you want to say, you can start going up to them and just practice conversing with a pretty girl that you've never met before.

00:32:02.060 Because you're not used to that yet and that's something that's very new to you.

00:32:06.320 So you want to start to do that, you know, crawl before you can walk kind of thing.

00:32:11.020 So you can start in these little baby step little moments and you can kind of work yourself up to that with anything really.

00:32:18.880 Sure.

00:32:19.240 Yeah, I like that.

00:32:20.300 Desensitizing.

00:32:21.320 What about mistakes?

00:32:22.900 Are there some common mistakes that you see guys make that we want to avoid and we want to keep ourselves away from?

00:32:28.560 Okay, here's one so funny.

00:32:31.680 You're going to like this one.

00:32:33.020 It's a funny mistake that guys make and it's funny because I'm going to say it and guys are going to be like, well, duh, like I'm never going to do that.

00:32:40.480 Well, maybe there's going to be some guys and like, oh, shoot, I am doing that.

00:32:43.680 That's me, right?

00:32:44.520 So here's the mistake that most guys make and it was shocking to me.

00:32:49.920 But I learned this as I started coaching a lot of guys.

00:32:53.840 And it's actually directly related to what we were talking about earlier with the friend zone is that guys, they will wait so long to finally ask the girl out.

00:33:05.700 They wait a tremendous amount of time.

00:33:08.880 So how do I know this?

00:33:09.840 Because I'll have guys show me their text messages with girls and they'll be like, I don't get it.

00:33:15.460 Like, what did I do wrong?

00:33:16.460 And I'll scroll through their text messages and I'll look and I'll be like, what do you mean?

00:33:21.120 And I'm like, I don't know.

00:33:22.180 I don't think she likes me.

00:33:23.120 Is she attracted?

00:33:23.760 I'm like, yeah, you've been texting her for like a full week.

00:33:27.440 How come you haven't asked her out?

00:33:29.580 And they're like, I don't know.

00:33:31.120 I just, you know, they weren't even thinking about it.

00:33:33.780 And it's not their fault.

00:33:34.920 You know what I mean?

00:33:35.420 They're just, they're scared of getting the rejection.

00:33:38.180 Like they're waiting for the perfect moment to ask the girl out.

00:33:42.240 They're waiting to know 110% the girl's interested in them. 1.00

00:33:46.360 Which never happens, right?

00:33:47.580 Right.

00:33:47.860 Like you're never going to know 100%.

00:33:49.400 I'll tell you when you will know 100% when she says, yeah, exactly.

00:33:53.620 When you actually, when you make the move and you ask her out.

00:33:56.680 And I like to tell guys to do that sooner than later, because again, like, and again,

00:34:02.200 related to what I was saying earlier, sometimes just, sometimes just doing that is enough to

00:34:08.920 make them attracted to you.

00:34:10.620 They're like, whoa, we asked me now.

00:34:11.940 They start to kind of like feel, they just feel that, that kind of connection because you

00:34:16.900 brought it up.

00:34:17.940 So they start thinking about you and that in a whole different way.

00:34:20.380 Of course, I'm saying that in a sense where the guy has to do that sooner than later.

00:34:26.140 This is not something that they're going to feel good about.

00:34:28.200 If you've been texting her for two weeks or, or you've known her for months and then you

00:34:32.200 finally ask her out, it's going to come out of nowhere.

00:34:34.640 Yeah.

00:34:34.960 Yeah.

00:34:35.220 It's going to throw her off guard.

00:34:36.680 Yeah.

00:34:36.840 Again, I relate this back to, I mean, obviously sales is my background, but I look at study

00:34:42.080 after study shows that salespeople never get the sale, not because they aren't good, not

00:34:48.420 because the person isn't interested in whatever it is they're offering.

00:34:50.840 It's because they never asked for the sale.

00:34:52.320 Right.

00:34:53.020 So you got to put yourself out there and let people know.

00:34:55.680 And that's part of being a leader.

00:34:56.720 It's part of being assertive.

00:34:57.800 It's part of being a man.

00:34:58.880 And it's part of stepping out of your comfort zone and, and requiring and requesting what

00:35:03.400 it is that you want, letting the world know what you want.

00:35:05.520 Right?

00:35:05.860 Right.

00:35:06.140 Exactly.

00:35:07.000 You know, here's the big idea is that in life and then, you know, as a microcosm, we're

00:35:13.680 talking about meeting women, it's your canvas to paint. 0.51

00:35:19.160 Okay.

00:35:19.720 So it's your canvas.

00:35:22.120 It's your paint.

00:35:23.880 The art is not going to show up by itself.

00:35:26.260 You have to dip the brush into the paint and start painting the canvas.

00:35:29.960 And you got to be the one who's actually making those moves because no one's going to do it

00:35:36.660 for you.

00:35:37.380 Again, sometimes you might get lucky.

00:35:39.800 Sometimes a girl might ask you out.

00:35:43.160 Sometimes a girl might come on to you. 1.00

00:35:44.740 Sometimes the person will ask you for, will ask you for the sale.

00:35:48.220 But all that stuff is purely based on chance and luck.

00:35:53.160 And most of the time it's just not going to happen.

00:35:55.800 So that's-

00:35:56.980 Well, and not only that, but I imagine that a girl will be attracted to you and in some

00:36:02.420 cases make the first move because you already developed and built the confidence enough to

00:36:07.740 the point where you would be willing to do it yourself.

00:36:09.920 She just happened to beat you to the punch. 1.00

00:36:11.580 Correct.

00:36:12.420 Right.

00:36:13.140 Exactly.

00:36:14.260 So you've just got to think about that and you got to make sure that you're in control

00:36:18.140 the whole way through.

00:36:19.520 It's your project, right?

00:36:22.660 It's your thing to take control of.

00:36:24.540 So you got to be the one making all the moves.

00:36:27.460 All right.

00:36:27.620 So let's move down this a little bit further.

00:36:29.500 So you've approached a woman, you've told her you want to go out with her and you start

00:36:34.180 to develop and build this relationship that's more outside of the friend zone.

00:36:38.680 How do you know what a woman is looking for in the relationship? 1.00

00:36:43.060 Do I want a casual relationship?

00:36:44.540 Is this something that will continue into marriage potentially?

00:36:49.140 Is this something as simple as asking or how do you start to understand and feel where

00:36:53.820 this relationship is going?

00:36:55.580 Well, first off, you got to know what you want out of the relationship, right?

00:36:59.660 So that's going to be the most important.

00:37:01.500 Do you want a casual relationship?

00:37:03.300 Do you want a girlfriend?

00:37:04.980 Are you looking to get married?

00:37:06.180 You're looking for your wife?

00:37:07.720 You know, are you not sure of any of it and you're kind of just waiting to see what hits

00:37:12.340 you first?

00:37:13.360 I'd say the first step is to know where you're at and know what you want.

00:37:17.080 Because when you know what you want, you're going to act accordingly and you'll start to

00:37:21.480 attract those types of people.

00:37:23.180 You'll start to attract the girls who want more casual.

00:37:26.440 You'll start to attract the women who want relationships. 0.99

00:37:29.180 I mean, think about it.

00:37:29.780 If you want a relationship, what are you going to do?

00:37:32.140 Well, you're going to go on multiple dates with the girl, right?

00:37:34.940 And she will either go on those dates with you or she won't.

00:37:38.080 Now, here's the thing.

00:37:38.820 I hate to be general here, but the fact of the matter is that most women, not all, but

00:37:46.640 most women you meet are looking for a husband and are looking for love and are looking to

00:37:53.240 get into some sort of relationship and then eventually looking to get married.

00:37:58.220 Now, you might find a girl who is just not into that altogether or you might find a girl

00:38:03.740 who's not really into that at that time, okay?

00:38:08.080 But most women do want a relationship. 1.00

00:38:11.800 So with that being said, you do have to be a little bit upfront with what it is that you

00:38:19.640 want, right?

00:38:21.160 And the thing is, is you can do that and a lot of the times it won't even scare a girl

00:38:28.780 away, right?

00:38:30.440 But I mean, listen, you got to be really careful because some girls, when they hear maybe that 1.00

00:38:36.300 you're just looking for something casual, they might actually still stick around hoping

00:38:40.980 that they can change you into doing something.

00:38:43.580 Right.

00:38:43.640 So you got to be very, very clear at them, like, this is what I'm looking for and this

00:38:50.620 is what I want right now.

00:38:53.000 But then, again, here's something else I've learned is that it's totally cool if guys 0.97

00:38:57.500 want casual relationships, sell their oats, have sex with a bunch of girls, experience 0.99

00:39:01.940 that. 0.99

00:39:02.660 That's fantastic.

00:39:03.740 But what I found also, myself included in this, a lot of people that I've coached,

00:39:08.860 students I've talked to, they get tired of the one night stand casual stuff.

00:39:15.680 It's really not the wrong.

00:39:16.660 It is fun.

00:39:17.500 It is a blast to do it in the beginning and you have a great time.

00:39:21.840 But fairly soon does it get kind of old and you start to seek more of a connection with

00:39:28.100 the girl and you find that that actually is so much more rewarding.

00:39:33.160 And I say that from personal experience.

00:39:36.440 I've been through it all.

00:39:37.180 I've done the relationships.

00:39:39.540 I've done heavy relationships.

00:39:40.980 I've done casual relationships.

00:39:43.000 I've done one night stand, kind of just hanging out with girls and mean girls wherever. 0.52

00:39:48.960 I've kind of been through it all.

00:39:50.700 And the best, relatively speaking, is really connecting with that one girl.

00:39:56.480 But don't let me tell that to you and you think, like, well, that's what I got to look

00:39:59.720 for.

00:39:59.960 No, experience it on your own.

00:40:01.900 Go out and experience all of it because that's going to be the most powerful for you to find

00:40:06.600 up really is what really is right for you.

00:40:09.720 Well, Tripp, this has been really valuable.

00:40:11.160 I know a lot of guys are going to get some value from this.

00:40:13.200 And at the end of the day, you're telling us we've got to implement this and take action.

00:40:16.200 So we'll make sure the guys are doing that.

00:40:18.140 But as we wind down, I've got a couple additional questions for you.

00:40:20.920 And the first one is, what does it mean to be a man?

00:40:25.700 What does it mean to be a man?

00:40:27.400 I think what it means to be a man is honestly just related to what I was saying earlier,

00:40:32.960 but I'll add on top of it, is taking control of your life, taking responsibility for your

00:40:37.800 actions and figuring out what it is that you truly want from life.

00:40:44.320 A lot of guys will just kind of float through, they'll just kind of exist and they won't

00:40:49.860 actually live and they'll let other people make the decisions for them.

00:40:53.380 They'll let society, for example, make the decisions for them.

00:40:56.300 A man goes after what he wants and the first step is figuring that out. 0.98

00:41:00.900 That is not easy, by the way, to figure what it is that you want.

00:41:04.780 So if you actually sit down and figure that out and then go after that and create a life

00:41:10.280 that you want that's going to make you happy, you're a man.

00:41:13.280 Awesome.

00:41:14.660 I love it, Tripp.

00:41:15.380 If guys are listening to this, they want to learn more about what you're doing, get

00:41:17.860 more of the specifics, more of the details.

00:41:19.460 How do we connect with you?

00:41:20.380 Yeah, awesome.

00:41:20.940 Just go to TrippAdvice.com.

00:41:22.700 That's Tripp with two Ps.

00:41:24.380 If you go to TrippAdvice.com, you'll find right there, I give away a free e-book called

00:41:29.560 10 Simple and Unknown Dating Tips to Increase Attraction.

00:41:33.580 So some of my best tips for attracting girls are in there.

00:41:37.540 You can check that out.

00:41:38.460 You'll be on my mailing list where I give you tips every single day on attraction and meeting

00:41:42.660 girls.

00:41:43.280 And if you want to bypass all that and just listen to podcasts or YouTube videos, again,

00:41:48.640 just go to TrippAdvice.com.

00:41:50.300 Awesome.

00:41:50.820 Tripp, I appreciate you.

00:41:52.300 I appreciate your time.

00:41:53.460 I appreciate your friendship and all the things that you shared with us today.

00:41:55.860 Thanks for joining us on Order of Man.

00:41:57.400 Thanks, Ryan.

00:41:58.120 Appreciate it.

00:41:58.640 There you have it, guys.

00:42:01.620 Mr. Tripp Kramer, scratching the surface of how we can get better when it comes to talking

00:42:05.980 with women.

00:42:06.980 Now, remember, a quick reminder, head to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil.

00:42:11.040 Watch a quick video so you can get all the details on our elite mastermind, the Iron Council.

00:42:16.360 You'll want to be part of that if you're ready to take your life to the next level, if you

00:42:19.520 want to build some solid, solid relationships with other men and have some accountability

00:42:23.440 in your life.

00:42:25.320 And last thing, if you want some additional resources for the show, head to orderofman.com

00:42:28.440 slash 050 and join in the conversation that we're having about masculinity in our Facebook

00:42:33.400 group at facebook.com slash groups slash orderofman.

00:42:36.880 Guys, I look forward to talking to you next week.

00:42:38.620 But until then, take action and become the man you were meant to be.

00:42:43.100 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

00:42:46.080 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

00:42:50.100 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - March 01, 2016

OoM 050： How to Talk with Women with Tripp Lanier

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