Optics Vs Execution, The Brain's Argument with Itself, & How to Learn From Divorce ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Summary
When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. You re not easily deterred or defeated, you re resilient, rugged, and strong. This is your life, this is who you are, and this is what you will become at the end of the day. After all, after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
Transcript
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Optics are crucial and here's why, every day when you get out of bed, you put on a shirt.
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Maybe you think it looks good, maybe it portrays what you want it to portray, maybe it makes
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you feel a certain way and it motivates you because you look nice in that shirt and you
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do your hair a certain way because optics matter and the way that we present ourselves
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So what if instead of saying optics is at odds with execution, optics is an element
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You're a man of action, you live life to the fullest, embrace your fears and boldly chart
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time, you are not easily
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deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
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This is your life, this is who you are, this is who you will become at the end of the day
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and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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We had a little bit of a technical difficulty there, but I think, I think we got it for
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One of those technology things where you just do some stuff, none of it logically makes sense
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Well, the thing I don't understand about technology is you could, I could wake up, like I could
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leave my, my setup exactly the way it is and do a podcast at night and I could come back
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in the morning to do a podcast and all of a sudden it's not working.
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I didn't touch anything and it's still not working.
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Other than that, just kind of hanging out and taking it easy.
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I was, I was actually on the couch yesterday taking a nap and my kids come in.
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I can't remember who said it because it woke me out of my sleep and said, Eli broke his
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So I go out there and the first people that I see are my daughter and she's such a sweetheart,
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And, uh, her and my neighbor, who's a sweet woman are like embraced in this hug.
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And I go over there and, and my son is laying flat on the ground, face down on the concrete.
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And he's got his foot kind of draped over his other one.
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I'm like, Hey, how do you tell me what you're feeling?
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I'm like, okay, he didn't, he didn't break his leg or his foot.
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And so the next thing I hear is my daughter say, I just called mom.
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And so I get Eli loaded up in the truck and we, we drive to the Instacare because that's
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And I get to the Instacare and, and, uh, my daughter said, the mom says the Instacare is
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I'm like, can you just not for a minute and just let me handle this?
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And then I get flagged down by my ex-wife who's at the hospital that happens to be the
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And she's like, Ryan, Ryan, bring them over here.
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She's like, no, they're just going to send them here anyways.
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So I drive over to the emergency room and I look over there and she's there.
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And then they've got a nurse with a wheelchair.
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So I get out, I park, I go around, I open the door, he steps out and his mom looks at
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So we went in there and sure enough, he has a sprained ankle, but that was our day yesterday.
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Just, just people need to calm down and just like, I got it.
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We can take care of it, you know, but everybody wants to be involved and yeah.
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As soon as I walked out and saw it, I'm like, oh, he sprained his ankle.
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You know, I've, I've been on the, on this, on both sides of that issue where kids like
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I've also been in this scenario where my daughter's like hurt her arm and I'm like, you're fine.
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But it also depends on your child because every child has, every human has a different tolerance
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So if the tough one is telling you it hurts, okay, there might be something to it.
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If the weak one is, nah, not too concerned about it.
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So, well, should we get into some questions today?
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I was reading these questions and I was like, man, this sucks.
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So we're going to field questions from the, from the Iron Council.
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Close for enrollment, but we'll open for enrollment June 15th for Q3.
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Chris Henningsen, what were some things that you did right after being told you were getting
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I just got a text from my wife last night after three months of no contact and she is
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And this is, and this is the theme, you know, is, is there's a lot of divorce questions
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So it's unfortunate that, that men are going through this.
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And millions of other people who listen have gone through this also.
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You know, I think the first thing that it was a bit of a blur and I'm sure it is for
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you too, that I don't know that I could pinpoint and tell you exactly what I did or had some
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systematic process because it was so emotionally heavy at that point that I think the best thing
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you can do is just to take a breath, uh, to not self-destruct, to find hobbies that you're
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interested in and almost in a way, force yourself to do it, to eat properly, to go to the gym and
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Now you may not feel like you want to be around other people.
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I can certainly relate with that, but you can't isolate because when you isolate, you start
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thinking and pondering and brainstorming and you're, it's just become so overwhelming just to be
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constantly with your thoughts as you're dealing with something difficult like that.
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And so we start making bad choices if we're isolated that way.
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Maybe you want to document some of the ways you're feeling.
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Sometimes that's helpful to be able to write it out.
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I remember Kip, I called you when I was hit with that news, uh, several years ago.
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Uh, and, and a couple other people, Jay Jardulo is another one I called and a few others.
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Um, but yeah, just get on the phone, make some calls in the iron council, get on the,
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and the horn with your battle team and your, your battle brothers, uh, and, and just talk
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Cause sometimes, and if you have a therapist, make, make a, make a call right now to go talk
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with them, not to save the marriage or anything like that.
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I'm not suggesting that at this point, but just so you can talk to that individual and
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start working through some of the, some of the emotional baggage and weight that you're
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inevitably going to deal with for a little while moving forward.
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Chris, you're going to be tempted to be highly reactionary.
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I'm going to do this and this will, and, and it will be rooted in trying to manipulate her,
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And, or she's going to do things and then you're going to want to react and vice versa.
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I would get really clear on what's within your realm of control and what's outside your realm
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What are, what kind of man are you going to show up as in despite the circumstance?
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Don't get sucked in to her emotional reactions to things and trying to prove a point or argue
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or just let it go and really get centered on how you notice how you need to show up in
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spite of how she might react or, or what emotions may occur.
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And his situation, I think it's a little different because.
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On his question, he said, three months, they haven't even been in contact.
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So there might be some of that grieving process that's taken place and not to the fullest extent
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by any means, but it also might be that she's going to be less emotionally reactive, just
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like you might be less emotionally reactive too, which is a good thing in the grand scheme
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Do you have any tips for reconnecting with your spouse when you don't share many common
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I'm aware that couples need diversity, but it seems like things we enjoy are quite far
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She winds down on Xbox and likes staying up late and sleeping in.
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I prefer physical activity and I have a fairly regiment evening and morning routine.
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I don't intend to dog on how she spends her time.
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I'm just looking for some tips on what I can do or should give some slack on to meet her
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I think you just answered the question in two different ways.
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Number one, you have to have your own activities and hobbies.
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And it sounds like you both do, you know, she's playing video games and which is kind of
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It's usually the other way around, but that's kind of interesting.
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I think the next generation behind us, the girls play video games a lot.
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My sons, my sons that are like dating girls, their girlfriends play video games.
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You young people, our generation, almost no girls ever played video games.
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So it was very much of a guy thing, but I think it's changed quite a bit, but okay.
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I actually don't really have a real big problem with video games unless it gets out of control
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You know, then I see it obviously becoming an issue.
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You know, I don't see any problem with having a team and watching football unless it consumes
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your entire weekend and your mood is dependent on who gets drafted to where and, and what
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So anyways, it sounds like you both have your own thing, which is good.
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What I would, what I think I would do is I would talk to her and say exactly what you
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I have things that I like and believe it or not, I actually want to keep some of these
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things for just me, but I also want to connect with you.
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Maybe it's playing video games with her for an hour every Wednesday night or something.
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And in exchange, she's like, cool, that's, that's awesome.
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Like he's making an effort and you tell her, Hey, I would like to go on a walk in the evening
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And I think if you guys are both respectable to each other and respectful, it sounds like
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you are, cause you're bringing this conversation up that both of you wouldn't have any problem
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engaging in something the other person is engaged in.
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And it doesn't seem like it would take very much effort at all to do that.
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And I think what you might find is that a willingness to go to her might open up a desire for her
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to come to you because she knows, Oh, he, I, I care.
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Ryan, would you give Dalton any advice on, I mean, I just, when I first read the beginning
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of his question, right, any tips for reconnecting, I immediately went to something deeper than
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And so, I don't know, like part of me, Dalton wants to say, um, just make sure that there's
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I don't, I don't want to suggest and open up a can of worms for you, but, but why do you
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Is it just hobbies or is there other things that should be addressed or conversations need
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And you're assuming that the hobby or spending time together is the solution.
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One reality, it might be a conversation around the thing where there, there might be an upset.
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And I think that's also dependent on how open and communicative you guys are currently,
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because if you're not used to having deep conversations and you come in guns ablaze with
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deep conversations, that's going to be, there's going to, you're going to be met with resistance
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So if you're not used to having those conversations, I would suggest that you open that up lightly
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and gradually with patience and consistency over time.
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So it might be, Hey, I, I know we don't seem to be as connected with what's going on throughout
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each other's day, but I would love to just maybe every day at the end of the day or after
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dinner, if we could just get together and just talk about each other's day and you don't
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come in there with an agenda, you just open the channels and see if that starts to lead
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I think that's a really good point, Kip, that you brought up, that it might be something
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deeper than we're just not doing stuff together.
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Justin Vaughn Zahn, how do you work on yourself after a breakup slash divorce?
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What pillars would you use to rebuild yourself?
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So again, a divorce question, we've got like five of them today.
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Uh, mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual.
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It's the most tangible, um, get rid of any junk food.
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Uh, if you're drinking or substance abuse, you know, start shutting that down because that's
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really going to start messing with you, especially with your emotions.
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Um, and it's only going to make the problems worse.
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You're going to respond or react in every situation.
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Um, you're going to, you're going to be very upset.
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So, but you're going to be tempted to do that to sedate yourself as well.
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Number one is, is get the physical side locked in and then just exercise.
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Maybe it's just going for a walk, you know, just clearing your head and going for a walk
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Um, emotional would be, excuse me, would be, um, being in touch with your, your, the way
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So it's going to be reading books about how to, uh, develop emotional intelligence.
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You know, I know when I talk with you and other people, Kip, um, and there might not
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even be any solutions that necessarily come from some of those deeper conversations, but
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I always feel lighter when I get done with a conversation like that.
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And, uh, because I'm, I'm able to get some of the stuff off of my chest and that helps,
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uh, intellectual pick a, pick an area that you want to focus on.
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Uh, and so buy a book or, or buy a course on finances.
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Maybe there's a certain designation or degree that would help you secure a promotion at work.
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Buy that course or buy that book or read that program or go to that conference or sign up
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for those emails, but just pick a lane in the intellectual realm and build something
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So if you're a God-fearing man, then it would be making sure you're going to church.
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It would be praying and be cracking open the scriptures and, uh, really having conversations
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If, if you're not a God-fearing man, then I would suggest that there's still a way to
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tap into the spiritual side of your purpose on this earth and, and, and what you're meant
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to do and what is your purpose moving forward and, and ways that we're connected with different
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people and connected with nature, like that's what I would do.
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And it's the hardest part of it is that you don't want to do it.
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If you're anything like me, what you want to do is just sit there and wallow around in
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And that's very tempting and sure do that to some degree, but make sure it's productive
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and force yourself if you have to, to get involved in the things that I just told you,
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Last Sunday, I, I had a, uh, lesson I taught and it was rooted in this idea of how do we
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And, and Justin, I, I see a correlation and, and I actually, you know, he was on the Friday
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call and we kind of talked about this a little bit.
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He shared a little bit of his breakup, I believe on the Friday call.
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Um, but someone that's happy in that piece, they have a healthy relationship with their
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How do I have a healthy relationship with a breakup and a divorce?
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You have a healthy relationship by learning from it.
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That's how you become a better version of yourself because of it.
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And, and as long as you learn and grow from it, then it almost resolves the unhealthiness of
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it or the, the upset around it, because now you're somewhat grateful that it occurred.
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It wasn't wasted and, and you're a better version of yourself.
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The second element is you have hope for the future that you know, that tomorrow brings
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And then the last is humility and gratitude for the present.
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And so I would focus in those three areas after an upset, a breakup or divorces, what
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And part of that is hope for the future is I learned the mistake of the past, right?
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So I'm not going to make the same mistake again.
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I'm going to become a, a better version of myself.
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And then most importantly, there is plenty of things to be grateful for right now and
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realize of the blessings that you have, the health that you do have, despite the fact that
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you just had a breakup, fight, find the silver lining and be grateful for what you have in
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That's going to serve a lot of people because again, a lot of the questions we're getting,
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and by the way, guys, we've got a course that's going to be coming up in June as well called
00:20:40.460
And I I've seen a lot of stuff out there and, and most of it is centered around getting your
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And I think there's a lot of really good information that you can learn about yourself if it's taught
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and executed well, and it's not so heavily focused on her, but this course and program that
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we're putting together is not focused on winning her back.
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It's focused on improving your life, improving who you are.
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Now you have kids and co-parenting to deal with, and eventually you're probably going
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And so it's really, it's, it's closing the chapter to, to the, or closing the page to
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that chapter rather than trying to keep it open and, you know, win her back through some
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Divorce, not death.com, June, middle of June, June 15th.
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I feel like we, I think we've hit, hit that pretty well.
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I think we've given a lot of, don't you think, is there anything else that you would add?
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We talked about learning from it, hope for the future, humiliating gratitude.
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So I, I expected you to dive into fight for your right.
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Make sure that you, you know, get your time with your kids.
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I mean, those are some of the logistical stuff.
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You know, the first thing I would say is make sure that you're being as amicable, as amicable as possible, but not doing it at the expense of your rights.
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So for example, a lot of guys will leave the house.
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You want to talk with an attorney first before you start making those decisions that could ultimately impact time with the kids or financial arrangements and all that sort of thing.
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Also, what a lot of people will do is they'll start pulling money from accounts and doing great.
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You got to, you got to be careful with relocations.
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I would, if I were you too, I would make sure that I'm documenting everything.
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You know, I'm documenting spending, hyper aware of what's being spent right now, because I don't know if this is true in every state.
00:23:19.360
And obviously I'm not an attorney, but from what I understand and gather is that if she starts spending money recklessly after there's some sort of, I can't remember the term, but some sort of, it's not proclamation, but some, some step in the legal process, she can't just go randomly just start spending all of your guys' money.
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And if she does, then you have a right to, to that money back.
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And so I would definitely say hire an attorney.
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And that's one mistake that, that I made that I wish I would have hired an attorney.
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And I didn't because we were pretty amicable, but things have a way of changing.
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Um, and there's things that you just aren't aware of in the divorce process.
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So I advocate for picking up an attorney and you can still be amicable by amicable, by the way, if you both have attorneys, in fact, that would be ideal, but it's just a way to protect your rights.
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It's a person who understands all the legal ramifications of what you're dealing with and is going to advocate on your behalf.
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So you get maximum opportunity with the kids, maximum financial provisions, et cetera, et cetera.
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I heard him once say once a couple of decided to divorce, it is at that point, a business arrangement moving forward.
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And you need to really, as best you can strip away the emotional baggage and toil that comes from losing somebody you've probably been with for a relatively long period of time.
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And so you need to start looking at it like that.
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But you can't do that by yourself because you do have so much baggage and connection and emotional connection to, to that person.
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But an attorney can definitely help you with that.
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So make sure you, you get that stuff taken care of.
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Brad, and I don't know if you have kids or some of these guys asking these questions, have kids or not, but don't lose sight on why you're doing what you're doing.
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Sometimes we have a tendency to get our ego involved here and it's about controls and not what's best for our children.
00:25:30.220
And so don't lose sight of that if, if children are involved in, and with that said, let me ask you that question, Ryan, how do you, from your perspective, don't let your ego jump into play and just, you know, try to lash out or persecute the shit out of her.
00:25:50.860
How do you keep your ego out of this from your, from your perspective?
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In my, in my opinion, I mean, it is very, very easy.
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And that's one of the questions that somebody asked you.
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I think it's a few questions down, but in my opinion, that the ego is just going to get you in trouble and you need to start looking at this practically.
00:26:08.220
So yeah, you can exact revenge on her for whatever perceived grievance that you have.
00:26:13.560
And, and maybe it's legitimate and there are things that you should, and she might absolutely be doing that to you.
00:26:22.120
She might actually be doing that on purpose just to agitate you even, or to get a rise out of you or to get you to do something stupid.
00:26:30.760
I think I've seen things that people have written down in texts and it's like, why would you put that in a text?
00:26:36.920
Why would you say that in the first place, let alone actually have it in a text?
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Like, you know, she's saving that as you should be saving your text threads.
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But what, what I would say is, is your ego going to help you have more time with the kids?
00:26:57.820
Is it going to help you be in a better financial situation?
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Or are you, you know, shooting yourself in the foot because you're pissed and you might have a reason to be pissed.
00:27:11.220
That's the hard part is some of that grievance that you have is legitimate.
00:27:16.700
And yet still as a grown man, you have to make a decision to say, okay, I can fight for my rights and I can hire counsel and I can do what I need to do.
00:27:27.520
And I can still be amicable and not let every little obnoxious annoyance or prod or poke from her be the thing that sets you off and ruins the relationship you have with the kids.
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Runes that them and their own personal development, the children's personal development, and then messes with your chances for maximum financial provision and maximum custody time.
00:28:01.020
Mike on golfer tips and suggestions on how to apologize to your kids when you're wrong.
00:28:20.940
Hey, look, I have a really hard time apologizing to you when I do something that warrants an apology because as your father, I feel like I always have to be in the position to know what to do and know what's right.
00:28:35.260
But I am also a human being just like you are and I make mistakes.
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And it's important that when we make mistakes, we own them and say sorry where we can.
00:28:45.020
And so I want to say sorry for yelling at you last night.
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And whatever we were talking about, I wasn't actually mad at you.
00:29:00.180
I was lashing out at you and you did not deserve that.
00:29:07.120
I don't really need to think that you need to over explain or grovel or go buy your kid anything or that's manipulation.
00:29:19.620
Teach them the lesson so they can learn it too and change your behavior.
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And one tip, Mike, to get, I don't know, present to why you should, because your kid needs to see this modeled.
00:29:32.860
If you're never apologizing when you're in the wrong, they know you're in the wrong, by the way, and you don't apologize, what are you teaching them?
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So don't rob them of this and model the behavior that you want them to learn.
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And that is when you make mistakes, you own it and you apologize and you clean it up.
00:30:05.220
What a great lesson for your kids to finally learn.
00:30:07.560
I mean, we talked about this months ago, Ryan, around the time as boys, when you realize your dad is just a normal guy.
00:30:25.000
The minute I know I'm in the wrong, I immediately like, you know, I don't know why it comes to mind.
00:30:43.680
And I think it's important to do it quickly, too, because the longer you wait, they may not be able to connect your apology to what happened either.
00:30:50.420
You know, it's like when you're training this, it's not it's a bad analogy because I'm not likening my kids to a dog.
00:30:58.220
But if you punish a dog for pooping in the house, but you do it a week later, it just thinks you're being a dick.
00:31:06.860
Like it doesn't connect the punishment with pooping in the house because it's been so long.
00:31:12.820
And so I think it's really important that you do it quickly, not to mention the emotional relief that comes from just squaring up with a person who you've slighted in some way.
00:31:26.180
And then also make sure that you change your behavior because what you run the risk of doing is having empty apologies.
00:31:34.340
So if you lose your patience constantly and every week or every couple of days, you're having to say sorry to one of your kids for losing your patience, they're just going to say, OK, dad, whatever.
00:31:47.620
Because they know in two days you're going to do it again.
00:31:50.400
And then that undermines the trust that you have with them.
00:31:53.980
But also there's another thing here, too, that if you're losing your patience with your kids every two days, what's going on?
00:32:09.500
Like what is actually at the root of what you're doing over and over and over again?
00:32:13.960
And I'd say there's some work that needs to be addressed if you haven't apologized all the time for the same thing over and over again.
00:32:23.500
All right, Jeremy Kofi, what's one major disappointment you faced that in hindsight turned out to be a blessing?
00:32:33.860
I've had so many things that it would be hard for me to take one, you know, and say, oh, it's this one.
00:32:38.580
I remember this one thing happened and I was devastated.
00:32:41.080
My life's full of disappointments that I've benefited from.
00:32:45.480
It's like, yeah, it's like, how's the saying go?
00:32:48.360
You're like, I've had more disappointments than most people have, you know, or forgotten more disappointments than most people have ever had or something like that.
00:32:58.840
And I don't know, my faith has been tested over the past couple of years, but I still have enough to say, you know what?
00:33:06.400
Like there is a plan for this, whether it's losing a relationship or a job or getting hurt or doing something dumb or dealing with a bankruptcy and making a bad financial decision.
00:33:22.240
There's lessons in all of it and you talked about that.
00:33:24.640
I do remember one in particular when I was fairly early on in my marriage, within the first several months, I was in retail.
00:33:37.340
I managed buckle clothing stores of all places, believe it or not.
00:33:40.220
And most people would probably laugh if they knew that, but that's what I did.
00:33:43.020
And I was offered a store in Southern California.
00:33:47.520
So we were going to move from Northern Utah to Southern California.
00:33:53.280
Just so, just completely passionate about it, excited about it.
00:33:59.000
It's in Southern California, this big, beautiful, brand new mall, Victoria Gardens Mall in Rancho Cucamonga.
00:34:06.620
It was such a cool experience, newly married at the time.
00:34:09.820
And we get down there and if I remember correctly, it was about three months, maybe four months into our trip, our work, my work down there.
00:34:21.600
And I get a call from my sergeant in the National Guard.
00:34:26.580
And he says, hey, Ryan, our unit's been activated.
00:34:35.500
Like I was going to move through the corporate ladder.
00:34:44.080
There's still a lot that I miss about that work.
00:34:50.660
And about halfway through that deployment, I realized, you know what?
00:34:55.940
I don't know if I actually want to do that when I get back.
00:34:58.680
I don't think I want to work nights and weekends.
00:35:00.700
And I don't think I want to travel from store to store and help them fix stores.
00:35:04.420
And the corporate offices were in Kearney, Nebraska.
00:35:09.560
And if I wanted to be in corporate, that's where I would have to be unless they had stay-at-home options.
00:35:14.760
And I realized, I don't want to do the holidays.
00:35:20.520
And so long story short, I ended up taking my, I came back from a leave, met with a financial advisor.
00:35:27.000
And he had said that he's looking for a few advisors.
00:35:29.640
And I took all of my insurance and investment materials back to Iraq with me for the last half of my deployment.
00:35:36.420
And ended up studying those because I didn't have a plan when I got back.
00:35:40.040
And I remember calling my district manager and she said, hey, we're so excited to have you back in a couple months.
00:35:44.540
And I told her, I said, I'm not, I'm not coming back.
00:35:50.300
And she was disappointed and I was disappointed, but it was the right decision.
00:35:53.700
And the decision to do the financial planning stuff springboarded into a very lucrative and successful financial planning practice, which, again, long story short, springboarded what we're doing here with Order of Man.
00:36:08.920
If I was never deployed, I would probably still be in retail in some capacity, probably at the corporate level.
00:36:16.640
But the trajectory that I was on, that I didn't know I was on, is pretty incredible when you think about it and you look back over that time frame.
00:36:26.220
Dude, I could think of so many things like this.
00:36:29.680
And I think that's at the root of this question, right?
00:36:37.280
And there's blessings in so much disappointment that we experience in life.
00:36:43.180
I mean, I wouldn't have never started my own company if I didn't get laid off by Intel back in 08.
00:36:52.700
I mean, and trust me, I was like stressed out about that.
00:36:57.640
Like, you know, if I had to give it a grade, I'm like, this is not good.
00:37:03.140
I mean, there was a time when we were trying to move back from New York and we were looking at houses here in Utah.
00:37:12.620
That particular house, we looked at it, we saw it, and we got outbid and we lost that house.
00:37:21.280
And shortly right after that, I had a bunch of clients that like defaulted on payments and stuff.
00:37:31.380
And in hindsight, we wouldn't have gotten the house anyway.
00:37:38.000
I didn't have the down payment that I was forecasting based upon business cash flow.
00:37:50.900
I'm like, hey, whatever happened to that house?
00:37:55.320
Calls him back in an hour and says, it's back on the market.
00:38:05.160
And that moment, we were prepared to get that house.
00:38:11.980
And I can go on and on around scenarios where I thought the sky was falling.
00:38:20.860
And it ended up just being just fine, if not better than what I assumed.
00:38:27.260
I think a lot of it, too, just has to do with your attitude about it.
00:38:33.000
And if you have a hopeful attitude, then things have a way of working themselves out.
00:38:37.660
You know, and maybe it is God's plan, ultimately.
00:38:40.800
Or maybe it's just that you're just an optimistic person, and you're willing to make the best of every situation.
00:38:45.840
And so, of course, more opportunities present themselves to you.
00:38:49.320
You know, I kind of joke around a little bit with church.
00:38:55.340
You know, a lot of times I'll hear people say, well, you know, we just moved here, and we really prayed, and God told us that we needed to live here.
00:39:06.200
And in my arrogance, I used to say, God doesn't care.
00:39:13.720
He just wants you to be a good and righteous person and follow him.
00:39:17.800
And you can do that in St. George or in Maine or in Italy or wherever.
00:39:23.600
And you're going to find good people there and bad people there.
00:39:26.080
It's no surprise to me that the most optimistic people are always the ones who are the most successful in life.
00:39:32.200
And, you know, you might be tempted to say, well, the reason they're optimistic is because they're successful.
00:39:38.860
I think they're optimistic, and it breeds success.
00:39:41.460
Yes, however you want to measure that and define that.
00:39:45.680
I'm not so arrogant to say that God doesn't care.
00:39:50.440
But I think he's also going to give you what you need to make the most of wherever you are.
00:39:57.540
And everybody always thinks that the next thing is better.
00:40:09.320
The next this, the next workout, the next that is always better.
00:40:16.040
Like you were saying earlier about learning from your mistakes.
00:40:20.880
If you're, if your financial situation will be better if you learn what you need to learn.
00:40:25.900
Your next relationship will be better if you learn what you need to learn.
00:40:30.300
But it's for me, I lie somewhere in the middle between God doesn't care and he cares about everything.
00:40:37.440
But he's already given you what you need to make the most of any situation you might find yourself in.
00:40:45.340
You know, I use this during training around leadership, around talking about the power of difficulty and stress.
00:40:54.320
And there's actual change in the brain when stress is involved that allows the learning to cement and be more concrete.
00:41:11.900
Stress on the mat, training, you know, I'd say level five.
00:41:20.500
Almost every single tournament, I remember like they were yesterday, right?
00:41:43.240
So when stress is super high and I'm learning, woe is me, nothing for me to learn.
00:41:57.640
And that's going to be concrete in your mindset.
00:42:00.700
But if during stress, you choose to be optimistic, you choose to see the silver lining, you choose to look at a growth opportunity.
00:42:15.040
All these other things will be cemented in your mind.
00:42:18.840
So the way you look at stress absolutely dictates future circumstances and how you deal with them.
00:42:28.200
The way you look at stress, because there are stressful situations.
00:42:36.780
You could be devastated today for some reason, whatever reason.
00:42:41.180
You could still be devastated, but you can choose like, hey, yeah, I feel that way, but also I'm going to choose to be optimistic.
00:42:47.140
I'm going to choose to be happy or I'm going to choose to be productive today.
00:42:50.100
You know, a lot of these guys who are talking about going through divorces, it's a decision that you have to make every moment.
00:42:57.380
For you and what you're going through right now, it's every moment.
00:43:00.620
When you're driving down the road to work and you hear a song that reminds you of her and you're tempted to break down and cry, sure, if it's appropriate, do what you got to do.
00:43:11.520
I'm still going to kick ass at work today because that is what I'm deciding to do.
00:43:16.660
Or, you know, maybe you've been divorced for a year and you think, man, I'm interested in getting back into the dating pool.
00:43:23.540
Then choose to be optimistic that there's good women out there.
00:43:27.040
You just have to be a good man and find who it is.
00:43:29.600
And that your past experience with women does not mean that all women might be that certain way that was bothering you, right?
00:43:37.880
Man, it's just make a choice in spite of how you feel.
00:43:43.420
And there's, speaking of the brain chemistry, so there's the amygdala, which is responsible for processing emotion.
00:43:53.260
We talked a little bit about this in Iron Council on Friday.
00:43:56.900
And that is what is referred to generally as the lizard brain.
00:44:01.900
It's the oldest, most mature portion of the brain, but it's designed to process emotion.
00:44:09.000
And then you have this more advanced version, newer version called the prefrontal cortex.
00:44:13.400
And the prefrontal cortex is designed around logical and rational decision-making.
00:44:19.380
So your brain is literally fighting making rational decisions.
00:44:27.100
It's like the devil and the angel sitting on the shoulder.
00:44:44.220
And it's something to be aware of because it's something we have to contend with every day.
00:44:56.960
He says, if your son or future son grew up to model your life exactly as it is now,
00:45:02.640
what would you be proud of and what would you fear?
00:45:07.920
I would be proud of, I'd be proud of him if he followed any, like his dreams and his interests
00:45:23.140
And I feel like I've taken risks and I feel like I've, I've done a good job there.
00:45:26.600
Um, what I would not be proud of, not that I wouldn't be proud of, but that I wouldn't
00:45:32.620
wish on him is, I don't even really know how to explain it.
00:45:40.240
I would, I would hope that he would take care of himself a little better than I do for me.
00:45:51.600
Those, those realms I talked about, you know, I'm hard on myself.
00:46:00.500
I can move past things pretty well, but, um, I have some insecurities that are, are hard
00:46:10.100
Um, and I'm sure all of us feel that way, but sometimes it's abusive.
00:46:16.440
And I just, I would, I would not want that for him.
00:46:19.420
So I'm trying to work on what I can do now so that I can model hopefully what my children
00:46:30.840
I think for me, it's, you know, I think I've done a good job rising above my circumstance.
00:46:35.720
You know, I, I joked around that my intro to that keynote last week was kind of poking
00:46:47.180
Like I, I think in the grand scheme of things being raised the way I was raised, um, I've
00:46:55.640
I mean, I, and I don't use this as a badge, but you know, I was like the third, third out
00:47:01.580
of nine to graduate high school, the only one to go to college, right?
00:47:05.160
Like in the grand scheme of things on paper, um, my family's not, um, successful, right?
00:47:13.220
If you want to use that term now, with that all said, the thing that I wouldn't want my
00:47:19.440
son to attach that I have attached is being happy with myself, which is ironic, right?
00:47:28.760
Because how much of the quest of all those things was a superficial quest of seeking validation
00:47:38.120
and happiness when reality that's available to all of us right now.
00:47:44.100
And it took me a lot of years to realize that I, I always felt that if I achieved, if I
00:47:50.300
made more money, if I had the accolades of man, if I sought approval of others, that meant
00:47:56.740
that I could have to be full fulfilled and at peace and happy with myself.
00:48:03.220
And, uh, unfortunately I, now I used it to my benefit.
00:48:10.500
I won at that game, but I, I wouldn't say that I've been happy with myself for the last
00:48:17.600
It took a long time for me to realize that it was never going to be found in any of that.
00:48:22.580
Um, and so I'd want my boys, um, just to be happy, to enjoy life, to be grateful for what
00:48:29.940
they have and, uh, and don't, don't seek after all that superficial bullshit that, that I spent
00:48:41.240
There's, um, I've been reading this book, uh, called let them by Mel Robbins.
00:48:49.100
I've, I'm listening to it, actually not reading it, but I've really enjoyed it.
00:48:52.800
It's, um, definitely lowered my blood pressure when we allow others to live how they're going
00:49:01.340
But she has said this phrase a couple of times.
00:49:04.060
Um, and I think the phrase, I might get the words wrong, but it's something along the lines
00:49:15.420
Like it's crazy and you can make whatever you want and it's highs and lows and ups and
00:49:19.700
And it is precious because once it's gone, it's gone.
00:49:29.040
I saw this map and it was this, it's this printout and it's dots for every day of your life.
00:49:35.060
If you live to average life expectancy and you fill in each day.
00:49:41.240
We're almost half more than halfway when you look at it.
00:49:50.620
I guess that's the stoic memento Mori concept, but, um, you know, or I've, I've had friends
00:50:07.860
So I think there is something to be said for just realizing like, what, what would you
00:50:12.860
do today if you knew you were going to die tomorrow?
00:50:15.560
I mean, I think you'd be willing to do a lot more and I'm not saying that you should
00:50:22.060
just be reckless because you might die at some point, but you probably should take a
00:50:28.500
So should I, or we probably ought to get over things faster or let go of resentment or grudges.
00:50:38.160
When somebody, when a friend calls you and says, Hey, do you want to do this?
00:50:41.640
I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to do that again.
00:50:44.380
And if you have the means and opportunity, by all means, take advantage of it.
00:50:48.460
That wild and precious life is something that resonated with me.
00:50:52.620
I mean, and, and to your point, the summers, right?
00:50:56.640
Luckily I read something like that a few years back.
00:51:00.680
Um, it's probably the same source where you read it.
00:51:03.340
I don't even know where I got that from, but it's probably a Jim, Jim Shields, I think
00:51:09.160
That talks about summers that you have with people.
00:51:13.360
I'll pull it up while you're, while you're talking.
00:51:15.620
I mean, luckily I was exposed to that concept a few years before my dad died.
00:51:20.720
And I remember going home, having that conversation with my wife saying, you know, I got three,
00:51:43.360
And, and luckily we made a little bit of a pivot and an adjustment to how often I was
00:51:49.920
And I'm grateful we did because we, we had that mindset, you know, of limited time.
00:52:00.960
The one that I was going to talk to you, talk to you about is, or the resource it's called
00:52:08.080
And the subtitle is you have 18 summers to create lasting connection with your children.
00:52:31.900
Do you use any consistent, repeatable matrix or prioritization frameworks to game plan your
00:52:52.340
I process fast and I process with a lot of intuition.
00:52:55.600
Um, I'm not saying that my way is better than somebody who processes through data, for
00:53:03.080
Um, I would think if it's just emotion, that would probably be inferior, but, uh, cause
00:53:08.680
I think your heart can play a lot of tricks on you.
00:53:13.960
And so if I write out my vision, which I have, and I have my objectives for the quarter, which
00:53:20.020
I do, and then I have my tactics for the day, which are set.
00:53:23.700
And then I have my to-do list, the things that come up.
00:53:29.040
I had to book some flights that was a, that took priority.
00:53:35.560
No, this probably is, or another podcast that I might have, but that had to be done right
00:53:41.660
And I'm intuitive, intuitive enough to know, okay, that's what's required because I have
00:53:49.440
So I guess you could say I have a system for putting all the facts and information in front
00:53:54.360
of me and then I can scan it, look at it, process it as quickly as I do and make a decision.
00:53:59.880
I also, we have these mindsets and there's, some of them are so ingrained and into our subconscious
00:54:06.400
that we don't even realize that we're doing it.
00:54:08.440
Um, and, and one of my ingrained mindsets is don't waste time.
00:54:17.780
And so I can sit here for an hour or a week or a year thinking about something, or I could
00:54:26.700
You know, how, how many times have you heard of people who are like, Oh, I wanted to start
00:54:32.760
I remember this guy one time I was putting up a new fence at my house and the guy came
00:54:39.940
over and he was dropping the supplies off for the fence from the local hardware store.
00:54:45.680
And we got talking for a minute and he's like, Oh, so what do you do for work?
00:54:48.720
And I, and I told him what I did and he told me, Oh, you know what?
00:54:53.200
I've always wanted to, and I can't remember what he said.
00:54:55.700
He's like, 10 years ago, I wanted to do this thing.
00:55:02.700
And like, I was young and I didn't have any money and I just didn't know what to do or
00:55:13.200
It was time and like money and I don't know what to do or how to do it.
00:55:17.340
And I said, well, can I be really frank with you about it?
00:55:20.460
I said, I'll see you in 10 years when I have to rebuild this fence and we're going to have
00:55:29.820
He's like, shit, I never looked at it like that.
00:55:33.460
He said, look, I'm not trying to like dismiss what you're doing for work or your life, but
00:55:44.560
So the, the time wasting thing, I'm not willing to sit on things and waste a bunch of time.
00:55:55.280
Christopher's last question, which was the one I really want to get to, because I don't
00:56:02.840
We live in a world where, especially in corporate settings, optics means as much, if not more than
00:56:15.280
However, it seems necessary evil to bring attention to otherwise solid work.
00:56:21.720
Seems like the squeaky wheel gets the grease, even when another quieter wheel needs, oops, sorry,
00:56:28.440
I didn't scroll down all the way, needs it more because leaders only look outward evidence
00:56:39.760
Listen, you have a real bad attitude, Chris, about optics.
00:56:50.460
And, and, and I can, I can say that because we know each other and like I'm playing, but
00:56:54.680
also like, Hey, like let's change the attitude on this one.
00:56:57.540
And here's why every day when you get out of bed, you put on a shirt and you have that
00:57:12.340
Maybe it makes you feel a certain way and it motivates you because you look nice in that
00:57:18.760
And you know what else I know you do is you have that beautiful backdrop when we're on our
00:57:22.760
zoom meetings on Friday and you pick that for a reason.
00:57:27.120
And when I get behind this microphone, Kip, you and I have these microphones for a reason
00:57:33.060
because it projects sound well and it gets a good audio quality and I have the lighting
00:57:38.300
and the camera because optics matter and the way that we present ourselves matter.
00:57:43.220
So what if instead of saying optics is at odds with execution, optics is an element of execution.
00:57:49.360
I would rather take a guy who's 80% execution and maybe 20% optics than just a hundred percent
00:57:57.660
execution, but it's a slob, can't talk to people, doesn't care, can't communicate because
00:58:02.840
he's not worried about what other people think.
00:58:06.200
And I think there is a place for what other people think.
00:58:21.100
Now, I don't care about what everybody thinks, but there are a few people that I really, really
00:58:25.140
deeply respect and people that I take their thoughts about me into consideration.
00:58:40.140
I want people to trust when I say something that it's going to get done.
00:58:44.420
And everything I do, I try to convey that through the optics that are there.
00:58:51.300
I think that's the fear that, Chris, you might be having is that it's making you disingenuous.
00:58:57.900
You're just putting your best foot forward to give yourself the best opportunity.
00:59:02.000
And optic doesn't mean you're being the squeaky wheel.
00:59:09.340
Can you be assertive with your clients so that the optics are there without all the baggage
00:59:17.340
Operating in a little bit of a false dichotomy here, I think.
00:59:31.840
Day in and day out, most people spend their entire day focused on doing things to look good
00:59:41.840
It is at the center of what it means to be human.
00:59:44.880
And to say that you don't do it, I think we're lacking maybe some self-awareness.
01:00:00.000
And if you want to influence people, guess if I don't know your day to day,
01:00:04.760
if I'm not involved in all that you do, guess all that I have to judge on is what?
01:00:16.780
We watch certain YouTube videos because they talk to a certain way and how it was delivered
01:00:23.320
We're attracted to other people because we make a quick judgment that, oh, they must care
01:00:27.900
about their body more or they must be more professional at what they do.
01:00:35.240
Now, should you be aware of that as well and realize that you may be quickly judging
01:00:42.520
people based upon optics and it may not be the full truth?
01:00:47.000
Be aware of the condition and what we do as humans, but also realize it's kind of what
01:00:59.920
I mean, I confronted, but full disclosure, Christopher, I confronted this at one point.
01:01:10.060
Is I was, had a partner meeting, possible deal with another firm.
01:01:21.820
We had, if I remember correctly, we had a Land Rover and we had a Mazda six that had
01:01:29.460
a loose muffler and it was really embarrassing to drive.
01:01:34.280
And I woke up in the morning and no, no, no, we had my BMW and the Mazda.
01:01:40.220
We had my BMW and the Mazda and we woke up in the morning and something came up and Asia's
01:01:58.020
If I go have a meeting with someone and we're talking about I'm successful, you're successful,
01:02:04.580
you've achieved it in life, you're doing well, and you pull up in a Mazda, you don't
01:02:18.460
Just focus on realize that that's what we do and, and understand the optics.
01:02:23.920
Well, I think there's one other element that we overlooked here too, is aren't optics a
01:02:33.340
Like aren't, like when I show up ready to have this conversation, audio quality is good.
01:02:42.520
I'm paying respect to the people who I want to have listened to it.
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Or if, or in one aspect, if you go to church, like I think Christopher is a church going
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Like you go to church, I'm not saying you have to wear your Sunday best, you know, but
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you, you might, maybe you wear a suit and a tie.
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At least you've got slacks and a collared shirt on, I imagine, because you want to pay
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respect to the gravity of the situation, your God, or, or when you go to your daughter's
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dance recital, like hopefully you don't show up like a slob.
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I think he was a coal miner and he showed up to his son's basketball game or something.
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He's paying respect by busting his butt to be there.
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But if you go to your daughter's dance recital and you have the means and the time, don't,
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wouldn't you put on either a pair of slacks or a suit or a nice pair of jeans with a button
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up shirt and maybe groom your beard, get a haircut, show up with flowers so you can give them
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You're honoring other people when you, when you think about that.
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And the relationship that we can have with them as well.
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Once again, death, not, or divorce, not death.com.
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I feel for those of you who are going through divorces and separations right now, I know how
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difficult that can be, but my main message on that is just, is even in the wake of it,
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And, and I think the more hopeful you are, the more right decisions you'll make, which
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So if nothing else, choose to be hopeful because you'll make better decisions.
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Until then, go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.
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Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
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You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
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We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.