Order of Man - Overcome Your Anger ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:04.920 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.260 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:16.940 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.420 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Mickler.

00:00:27.520 I'm your host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here today.

00:00:33.040 I've got a topic that needs to be addressed, not only for myself, but for many, many men listening.

00:00:39.860 We're going to be talking about overcoming anger. And specifically, I'm going to share with you

00:00:44.360 a very simple three-part formula that I have used in my life to overcome anger issues that I have,

00:00:51.600 whether it's isolated anger or bouts of anger or a chronic anger that I've dealt with in the past.

00:00:58.800 I know a lot of other guys are dealing with as well. Before we get into that, I just want to let

00:01:02.040 you know, if you're new, this is a podcast dedicated to helping you as a man become a more effective,

00:01:07.580 more productive, more profitable, more fulfilled man in life. And so we're doing interviews.

00:01:13.400 Of course, this is your Friday field notes. We just did an incredible interview with

00:01:18.000 Sathya Sam on pornography addiction last week. Yeah. Last week we had another, our second round

00:01:25.560 with Tim Tebow. We've had Terry Cruz on the podcast, Ben Shapiro, Jocko Willink, Andy Frisilla,

00:01:32.960 the men that come on and join us and help us in this battle to reclaim and restore masculinity

00:01:37.360 are absolutely incredible. So make sure you subscribe. Outside of that, just want to let you know

00:01:41.840 that I've got my new book, The Masculinity Manifesto that is out and available currently.

00:01:47.260 I've got some signed copies in our store on our website. And I also have an exclusive edition.

00:01:53.000 I think I only have about 10 copies of that exclusive edition left. It's a leather bound cover,

00:01:57.980 signed, personalized. You can check it out at store.orderofman.com for signed copies and the

00:02:03.140 exclusive edition as well. All right. With that said, let's talk about overcoming your anger.

00:02:11.040 If you're listening to this, odds are that you, of course, have been angry. All of us experience

00:02:15.600 anger. And I think the odds are probably pretty good that you know it's something that you need

00:02:20.000 to work on and improve. Perhaps it's affected you. Without a doubt, it's affected the people around

00:02:26.780 you. And usually, at least if it's anything like my case, it's the people who are closest to me who

00:02:33.980 are affected most heavily by my anger, by my outbursts, by those emotional reactions that I

00:02:41.960 have when these anger issues bubble up. So, let's talk about this. A very simple three-part formula,

00:02:48.060 but just because it's simple, please don't overlook it. Number one is the most important thing is that

00:02:53.560 we need to get to the root of why we're angry. Now, yes, there are isolated experiences where

00:02:59.680 somebody does something, maybe they're late with an assignment at work, or you get cut off on the

00:03:06.680 road, or somebody says something to you in a way that you don't quite like. And so, there's these

00:03:12.600 isolated experiences where, of course, anyone would get angry. But you got to think about when you're on

00:03:19.160 the road and somebody cuts you off and you decide to lose your cool. You've seen these videos of

00:03:25.320 people that get into road rage issues and they fight, like literally fight in the street. And I

00:03:32.260 can't help but think, what in the world is the real problem? Because the real problem is not that

00:03:37.640 somebody cuts you off. There's something else. Or if a stranger or even a person that you know says

00:03:44.260 something to you that you don't like, maybe it's their tone of voice or their inflection or the words

00:03:48.680 they use and you blow up and you snap at them, that's probably really not the issue. There's

00:03:54.720 probably a greater issue. And typically, at least I've experienced this, it's an insecurity that you

00:03:59.660 have. So, if somebody makes a snappy comment to you and undermines your intelligence, for example,

00:04:07.920 odds are you're going to get angry with that. But if you really didn't feel threatened by that,

00:04:12.580 you would laugh it off. You would brush it off. It wouldn't trigger you the way that

00:04:17.720 it potentially does. So, is the issue that they said something they shouldn't have said?

00:04:22.840 Or is the issue that there's some experience that you've had in the past where maybe people have

00:04:31.100 called you dumb or there was a mistake you made and it caused some real damage in your life and that

00:04:38.240 makes you feel inferior or makes you feel stupid? These are the real roots of the issue. But with most

00:04:46.100 men, we don't tend to get to the root of the issue. If we address it at all, it's just on the surface

00:04:51.400 level like, hey, I just, I got to get over it. And we can do that. We can get over a lot of things

00:04:56.200 for a short period of time. But we tend to generally leave a wake of collateral damage in our path

00:05:02.360 when we just say, I'll get over it. Because we say or do something dumb and then we realize it was

00:05:08.440 it was dumb. And then we go back to the person that we hurt maybe by our words or actions and we

00:05:14.540 apologize. And then we don't understand why we don't immediately accept that apology. It's like,

00:05:19.440 well, you did the damage. You can't just reverse it by apologizing. I'm speaking to myself here.

00:05:25.440 So, we have to get to the real root of the issue. So, how do we do that? Well, there's some questions

00:05:29.300 that we could begin to answer that will help us get to the root of our anger issues. And the questions

00:05:35.560 are simple. Who, what, where, when, why, and how? Who, what, where, when, why, and how? So,

00:05:41.460 let's address each one of those. All right. So, who are you angry with? Who are you angry with?

00:05:48.180 And it might be easy to spot that on the surface. Well, my wife said this to me, or she did this,

00:05:52.880 or she spent too much money. And so, I'm angry with her. Okay. Let's dig deeper. Let's say she spent 1.00

00:06:00.520 too much money. Well, why does that make you angry? Well, if I'm thinking about from my perspective,

00:06:05.560 I would be angry because there might be some trust issues. Maybe we communicated that we're

00:06:10.700 not going to spend that money and she did it anyways. And now there's some trust issues and

00:06:14.920 I don't trust her anymore. Right? Or maybe somebody else did that in the past, or maybe

00:06:20.960 your parents didn't have enough money when you were younger. And so, her spending money is triggering

00:06:27.740 all these thoughts about the way your parents handled money and you're mad at them, or you

00:06:35.500 see what I'm saying? Like there's something deeper here going on. Are you really mad at

00:06:40.960 your wife or are you mad at yourself? Are you mad at somebody else? Are you mad at a sibling

00:06:45.480 or a parent or somebody? So again, when we're asking ourselves these questions, we got to dive

00:06:50.200 deeper than the surface level because there might be something lurking underneath that we've

00:06:54.820 never addressed. And if you can get to the root of the issue, then you can actually begin

00:06:59.340 to solve the real problem. Not just the fact that you're angry sometimes because your wife

00:07:03.120 happens to spend a little more money than you'd like. Okay. Next, what situations are

00:07:08.680 transpiring when I'm angry or what is happening when I'm angry? I know for me that I tend to

00:07:17.320 get angry or angrier when I don't have any margin in my day. Right? So maybe my kids are asking

00:07:28.300 me questions and they want me to play and they want to do things that normally I would be thrilled

00:07:31.940 to do. But because my schedule is back to back to back to back, I get overwhelmed and

00:07:37.600 then that manifests as anger. So am I angry at my kids for asking if I'll do a puzzle with

00:07:42.820 them? Of course, I'm not angry with them. Although I take it out on them, what I'm really angry

00:07:48.720 with is myself and my mismanagement of time. Or I might also be angry with somebody else because

00:07:56.640 they used me to get what they needed at the expense of my schedule. But again, that's your

00:08:03.300 fault. That's not the other person's fault. That would be my fault for allowing my schedule

00:08:08.300 to get away from me and making other people's problems a priority of mine. Now, there might

00:08:13.200 be reasons why you would do that, but there's also reasons you wouldn't do that and have you

00:08:16.700 identified it. So who, what, where, what is my environment like? Here's an example. I tend to

00:08:24.780 get angry or at least irritable when there's a lot of clutter around, when there's trash around the

00:08:31.220 house or things aren't put away or the kids have their toys strewn about everywhere or my office is

00:08:37.200 a mess and I have paperwork that isn't filed. And so that's where I am. Like my environment can make

00:08:45.000 me angry. It can make me irritable. And again, we got to go deeper. Why, why does a messy environment

00:08:51.920 make you irritable? Well, because I can't find things and I can't find what I need, or I'm

00:08:58.500 distracted by all these other little things that I can't focus on what I want. But if I can identify

00:09:03.520 where I'm angry, then I can put myself in better environments and I can create better environments

00:09:08.620 that will be more conducive to me not being angry. But we also have to know that we aren't

00:09:15.000 always in control of our environment. Most of the time we are, but not always because you're

00:09:19.660 going to be in environments that you aren't thrilled to be at. So you really have to dive

00:09:23.400 deeper. If I'm in this environment that makes me uncomfortable, that makes me irritable, that

00:09:29.420 gradually leads to anger, what am I going to do about it? How am I going to address it? Why is it being

00:09:35.560 messy a bigger issue for you? You know, if you think back to your childhood and your house was

00:09:41.360 always a mess, maybe your parents were hoarders, maybe you lost your things, then of course that's

00:09:49.080 going to trigger a response in you. So we get to the root of it. So let's see who, what, where, when

00:09:54.880 these are all kind of self-explanatory. I'm just trying to give you examples. Again, when I would say

00:10:01.820 if I'm, if I haven't got enough sleep, you know, late at night, or I wake up early in the morning,

00:10:07.180 I might be more irritable. Those are things to know. And then why we talked a lot about why,

00:10:13.400 why are you angry? Why are you upset? And it's usually not the surface level. We got to go much

00:10:20.000 deeper. The only other question I put here is how, meaning how do you express your anger?

00:10:25.960 The better you can know yourself in these issues, the more you can begin to recognize the symptoms

00:10:30.440 and then deal with the problems. So how do you manifest anger? Well, I tend to be impatient.

00:10:38.040 I tend to make snippy comments, sarcastic comments to people, or maybe I mean to, I say mean things or

00:10:46.640 hurtful language. These are all ways that I show anger. I don't usually hit ever, but I do use my

00:10:58.120 language and my words. And that ends up being very sharp, directed towards, again, the people I love

00:11:03.280 the most. That's, that's how it manifested for me. Again, important for me to know, because now I know

00:11:09.940 when I'm doing that, when I, when I catch myself doing that, I can do this deeper work of who, what,

00:11:15.720 where, when, why, and how. And what I would encourage you to do is to get a journal, go to Walmart,

00:11:21.580 go to Target, go on Amazon, wherever you get your stuff, get a journal, a blank notepad and write

00:11:28.600 today's date. I'm recording this on November 15th, 2022. I'm going to write that down. And then anytime

00:11:33.620 that I get angry, I'm not going to be judgmental of that. I'm just going to answer these questions.

00:11:39.920 So November 15th, 2022, I'm angry. Here's what I'm experiencing. Here's what I'm feeling. Here's why

00:11:46.280 I think it is. Here's experiences in the past that have led to this. Here's who I'm angry with.

00:11:51.220 Here's how it manifests itself. Because what we really need to do, in addition to getting to the

00:11:55.580 root of an issue is we need to get it out of our minds. We can't let the toxicity just bounce around

00:12:01.820 in our brain. Think about, think about the last time you threw up. Why did you throw up? Well,

00:12:10.220 you were sick, right? Maybe you had food poisoning. Maybe you drank too much. Maybe you just had the flu,

00:12:17.720 but your body is literally rejecting something that you have consumed. It's become toxic.

00:12:25.720 And so your body is throwing it up. It's vomiting to get rid of whatever the issue is,

00:12:31.080 right? We don't do that emotionally enough. And I'm not saying that you just go emotionally

00:12:38.300 vomit all over other people and just dump all of your baggage on people. We're going to talk about

00:12:44.340 this here in a minute, but you do have to get this out of your mind. Somehow there's constructive

00:12:51.140 outlets we're going to talk about, but also journaling helps you work through it. And now

00:12:55.320 it's not just toxic in there. You throw it up on the paper. And I don't even really care what you do

00:13:00.000 with it. I would say, keep it. So you can go back and review it periodically. And maybe you learn some

00:13:03.860 tools that you can help to overcome your anger, but man, you got to get rid of this stuff.

00:13:08.440 Because what's going to happen if you don't do this in a healthy way is your body is eventually

00:13:14.440 going to reject the venom and then you're going to vomit and you're going to vomit on somebody you 0.72

00:13:19.900 love. You're going to say something hurtful. You're going to do something that's hurtful.

00:13:28.340 You're going to hurt somebody. You might actually physically hurt somebody else. Your body will vomit

00:13:35.320 on to somebody. And it's usually the people who are closest to you. So we got to deal with this

00:13:40.600 guys. So that's how I would deal with it. Who, what, where, when, why, and how write those things

00:13:45.280 down every day, document every time you get angry and you start to get to the root of it. So that's

00:13:49.960 number one is let's get to the root of the issue. Number two, now that we're to the root of the issue

00:13:54.300 and in conjunction with that, we need to learn to deal with our anger in healthy ways.

00:13:58.200 There's really three ways that I see three ways. Okay. Number one is journaling. And I just talked

00:14:06.860 about that. It's a great way to figure out your thoughts, to, to, to codify what's actually going

00:14:12.500 on. So you can begin to understand it. You know what you're experiencing, but you don't quite know

00:14:17.000 how to articulate it. So you begin to do that. So journaling is number one. Margin is a big one for

00:14:24.280 me. If I feel myself, the blood's boiling a little bit and I'm getting angry and I'm getting

00:14:29.600 upset and, and you know, I'm getting triggered and I can feel myself wanting to do or say something

00:14:36.440 that might hurt somebody emotionally or even physically, then I have to get myself out of

00:14:41.960 this environment. Okay. That is crucial because sometimes space just gives you a little bit of a

00:14:47.460 perspective and maybe you really don't need to do what you're about to do. So if you feel yourself

00:14:52.640 getting angry, just take a breather, take a step back, it doesn't mean retreat. It doesn't mean

00:15:00.440 withdraw or hide. It doesn't mean never come back to whatever it is you're dealing with. Cause I can

00:15:04.660 think of confrontational conversations with my wife, for example, or with my kids that need to be had

00:15:10.280 and we might get upset. And so I think it's better just to take a step back, but you have to come back

00:15:16.240 to the table. So margin, you have to come back to the table in a new frame. And again, journaling helps

00:15:23.420 with that. And some other things we'll talk about. So again, we have journaling, we have margin, just a

00:15:28.700 little bit of space to clear your head. And then I would say exercise. Exercise is amazing. It's an

00:15:36.120 amazing way to vent. It's amazing to let off some steam, to blow through some steam, but it's not just

00:15:43.420 the exercise. What I've noticed is that when I'm angry and I exercise, I noticed myself in some

00:15:51.300 ways, even becoming more emotional afterwards, because I don't have the energy to maintain the

00:15:58.940 facade of stoicism. For example, it's probably not the right word choice in that, but I don't have the

00:16:04.160 facade of, of hiding my emotions right after an exhaustive workout. So if I've rolled jujitsu for an

00:16:12.140 hour and a half, I just don't have the energy and willpower to put on this front about how I really

00:16:18.400 feel. And now what I'm doing is I'm getting deep into the root of being angry or being jealous or

00:16:24.080 being resentful or being hurt or whatever emotion you're experiencing. And so it begins to come out.

00:16:30.520 And as long as you're in a healthy environment, whether it's jujitsu or with a punching bag or lifting

00:16:35.960 weights or doing some other form of martial art or running or swimming or whatever your thing is,

00:16:42.140 what a great outlet. Now you might feel yourself in the moment or even afterwards become very

00:16:48.760 emotional. And what I want to say is that's okay. It's okay that you're upset. It's even okay if you

00:16:57.240 get to the point where you, you want to cry. Now, look, are you going to do this in front of your

00:17:01.380 family and, and, and drool and snot and babble? No, you're not going to do that in front of them.

00:17:05.600 You're going to do that by yourself alone and let the tears flow. Let the rage go.

00:17:12.080 Like it's got to vent and let that out in, in that healthy way. Uh, and man, you're just going

00:17:19.920 to feel better because you're purging that toxicity. So again, the steps here, number one,

00:17:25.420 again, get to the root. Number two, let it out in healthy ways. You got to have the outlets,

00:17:30.320 the avenues for this anger. And then the third point, and this is the last point of the framework

00:17:35.040 that I wanted to give you is that you need to learn to express yourself in a healthy way.

00:17:42.140 Okay. And I'm not just talking about the outlets. I'm talking about the way that you communicate with

00:17:46.860 people. So one thing that you might be able to do that I would love to see more of us get to this

00:17:52.080 point is that when you're angry with, let's say a situation that involves your wife or your

00:17:58.420 children that you can now talk to your wife about what you're experiencing or your children about

00:18:07.440 what you're experiencing in a way that doesn't turn them off in a way that doesn't come across

00:18:12.980 as accusatory in a way that doesn't paint you as a victim or a cry baby, but a very healthy way to

00:18:19.640 express what is it, what it is you're experiencing. So I'll give you an example.

00:18:23.840 Let's say that you and your wife, we'll go back to the financial discussion. You and your wife are

00:18:30.520 having a discussion about finances and you feel like she's spending too much money on some particular

00:18:36.380 expense throughout the month. And it's making you angry because you have some money issues that you've

00:18:43.800 never dealt with, or some, maybe some guilt issues because you're not making enough money or as much

00:18:49.580 money as you'd like. And you feel guilty about that. And so the real issue is not that she's

00:18:54.440 spending. It's that you haven't learned to quote unquote, provide for your family. Well enough,

00:18:58.720 that might be something that you're indicting yourself about. And then you're blaming it on

00:19:04.020 her spending too much money. Just something to consider. So you're angry rather than blowing up,

00:19:09.700 rather than accusing her, rather than making her out to be the villain. Instead, it might be

00:19:15.900 appropriate because you know yourself now because you've journaled, you've gone to the root of the

00:19:21.420 issue. You've answered the questions who, what, where, when, why, and how you know how to do this

00:19:25.600 in healthy way. You've let out steam. And so you're not angry. And so now it's, Hey, hon, I want to share

00:19:31.020 something with you. Uh, we have done the budget and we both agreed to the budget. And yet, in spite of

00:19:38.780 that, it seems like every time we sit down that you have deviated from what we agreed upon. And that

00:19:46.800 makes me angry. And the reason it makes me angry is because I want to be able to trust you. And I do

00:19:54.600 trust you. But when you don't stick to something that we both agreed upon, that's a very frustrating

00:20:01.300 thing to me because I can't plan out our budget, or I don't know if there's any money in the bank

00:20:07.500 account. So when I go to the store, if my card's going to decline, and that would be embarrassing,

00:20:12.440 you see the difference is like, you can still express yourself. You can still share that you're

00:20:17.880 angry and you can even come to a resolution, but you're doing it in a constructive way about the way

00:20:23.280 it makes you feel so that your wife doesn't feel like you're attacking her. Now you have to be open

00:20:31.600 minded. Can you help me understand? Because look, she might have some insecurities she's dealing with 1.00

00:20:36.500 too. Why might she spend more money on groceries every month? Well, here's a reason. Maybe when

00:20:42.660 she was little, the family didn't have any food or they didn't have the provisions they needed.

00:20:49.300 And so she wants to make sure not only does she have enough food for this week's groceries,

00:20:53.140 but she also stashes some food away for a rainy day because that's something she used to have to 0.98

00:20:58.720 deal with as a child. You have baggage, you're angry, and she might have baggage because she has her

00:21:05.520 own insecurities and own life and own problems that she's dealing with. And if we come across

00:21:11.240 and we're like, Hey, well, why are you? I can't believe you'd spend that year. How irresponsible

00:21:14.640 can you be? Like this is our budget. Not only are you not expressing yourself in a healthy way and

00:21:19.780 you're going to be angry and create contention and animosity in the relationship. You're also not

00:21:24.340 leading her well because you're not giving her the space to work through the issues that she's got to

00:21:29.540 work through too. So that's the beauty of using this system is not only is it serving you well,

00:21:37.160 but it's going to help you lead more effectively and help the people who are closest to you

00:21:41.480 work through their own issues. So let's recap. Number one, get to the root of the issue.

00:21:49.040 Answer the questions on a deep level, not just a surface level. Who, what, where, when, why,

00:21:53.460 and how. Number two is let out your anger in healthy ways. We talked about journaling. Every

00:22:00.520 time you're angry or feel that blood boiling, write the date, write all the who, what, where,

00:22:04.940 what, why, and how, and all that stuff, write it down. So you can begin to document and understand

00:22:08.840 it about yourself. Give yourself some space and some margin and then go work out. And then number,

00:22:16.480 let's see. So that's number two, give yourself a, learn to deal with it in healthy ways. And then

00:22:21.160 number three is learn to express yourself in a healthy way. We want that vent. We want that

00:22:28.880 little valve where you can communicate and you can express yourself and you can talk and you can use

00:22:34.100 your big boy voice and you can explain to people how you feel without ruffling feathers and making

00:22:40.620 the situation worse. Cause the boundaries also come into play, right? Now you have boundaries. Hey,

00:22:45.760 hon, if we're going to make this budget, we got to stick to it. That's a boundary that I have.

00:22:51.320 And we need to make sure that we do that. Is, am I off on the budget? Do we need to adjust it?

00:22:55.620 Is there something you don't understand about it? Well, and what are the boundaries in place to

00:22:58.640 ensure that this stays where it is, but giving them some margin as well.

00:23:03.060 There it is guys. That is an overview of how you overcome your anger. I hope it helps. I hope it

00:23:09.200 serves you. If you guys have additional thoughts, ideas, tactics, strategies that you use, share them.

00:23:16.380 I'm going to post this on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, wherever you're doing the social media

00:23:20.980 thing, YouTube. If you have additional comments, drop them in the comments, wherever you're listening

00:23:25.200 to this or watching this or picking up a clip from the show and let's serve each other. Let's help each

00:23:29.640 other out. And on that note, speaking of that, we have the iron council. That's our exclusive

00:23:35.620 brotherhood. It's opening back up December 15th. So that's a little less than a month away.

00:23:42.140 And we're having these types of discussions. In December, we're going to be talking about

00:23:46.780 learning to forgive. That's our theme of the month. We're actually doing an in-depth study on

00:23:52.660 Fight Club this month for the month of November, which is kind of cool.

00:23:55.980 We also have teams and accountability groups. Those are the teams where you're going to be

00:24:01.460 accountable to other guys and explain what you're going through and be able to serve other people as

00:24:05.380 well. Very, very powerful group. It's called the iron council. You can check it out at orderofman.com

00:24:09.980 slash iron council. Get your name on the list because we open up in less than a month. And

00:24:14.760 this is going to help you skyrocket 2023. All right. That's it guys. That's what I've got for you

00:24:20.600 today. We'll be back next week, but until then there, go out there, take action, overcome your anger

00:24:25.820 and become the man you are meant to be.

00:24:28.400 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of

00:24:33.560 the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - November 18, 2022

Overcome Your Anger ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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