Overcome Your Anger ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
In this episode, Ryan talks about a simple three-part formula that he has used in his life to overcome anger issues that he's dealt with in the past. 1. Get to the root of why we're angry 2. Find the root cause of anger 3. Overcome anger
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Mickler.
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I'm your host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here today.
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I've got a topic that needs to be addressed, not only for myself, but for many, many men listening.
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We're going to be talking about overcoming anger. And specifically, I'm going to share with you
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a very simple three-part formula that I have used in my life to overcome anger issues that I have,
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whether it's isolated anger or bouts of anger or a chronic anger that I've dealt with in the past.
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I know a lot of other guys are dealing with as well. Before we get into that, I just want to let
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you know, if you're new, this is a podcast dedicated to helping you as a man become a more effective,
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more productive, more profitable, more fulfilled man in life. And so we're doing interviews.
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Of course, this is your Friday field notes. We just did an incredible interview with
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Sathya Sam on pornography addiction last week. Yeah. Last week we had another, our second round
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with Tim Tebow. We've had Terry Cruz on the podcast, Ben Shapiro, Jocko Willink, Andy Frisilla,
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the men that come on and join us and help us in this battle to reclaim and restore masculinity
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are absolutely incredible. So make sure you subscribe. Outside of that, just want to let you know
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that I've got my new book, The Masculinity Manifesto that is out and available currently.
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I've got some signed copies in our store on our website. And I also have an exclusive edition.
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I think I only have about 10 copies of that exclusive edition left. It's a leather bound cover,
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signed, personalized. You can check it out at store.orderofman.com for signed copies and the
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exclusive edition as well. All right. With that said, let's talk about overcoming your anger.
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If you're listening to this, odds are that you, of course, have been angry. All of us experience
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anger. And I think the odds are probably pretty good that you know it's something that you need
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to work on and improve. Perhaps it's affected you. Without a doubt, it's affected the people around
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you. And usually, at least if it's anything like my case, it's the people who are closest to me who
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are affected most heavily by my anger, by my outbursts, by those emotional reactions that I
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have when these anger issues bubble up. So, let's talk about this. A very simple three-part formula,
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but just because it's simple, please don't overlook it. Number one is the most important thing is that
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we need to get to the root of why we're angry. Now, yes, there are isolated experiences where
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somebody does something, maybe they're late with an assignment at work, or you get cut off on the
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road, or somebody says something to you in a way that you don't quite like. And so, there's these
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isolated experiences where, of course, anyone would get angry. But you got to think about when you're on
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the road and somebody cuts you off and you decide to lose your cool. You've seen these videos of
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people that get into road rage issues and they fight, like literally fight in the street. And I
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can't help but think, what in the world is the real problem? Because the real problem is not that
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somebody cuts you off. There's something else. Or if a stranger or even a person that you know says
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something to you that you don't like, maybe it's their tone of voice or their inflection or the words
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they use and you blow up and you snap at them, that's probably really not the issue. There's
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probably a greater issue. And typically, at least I've experienced this, it's an insecurity that you
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have. So, if somebody makes a snappy comment to you and undermines your intelligence, for example,
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odds are you're going to get angry with that. But if you really didn't feel threatened by that,
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you would laugh it off. You would brush it off. It wouldn't trigger you the way that
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it potentially does. So, is the issue that they said something they shouldn't have said?
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Or is the issue that there's some experience that you've had in the past where maybe people have
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called you dumb or there was a mistake you made and it caused some real damage in your life and that
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makes you feel inferior or makes you feel stupid? These are the real roots of the issue. But with most
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men, we don't tend to get to the root of the issue. If we address it at all, it's just on the surface
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level like, hey, I just, I got to get over it. And we can do that. We can get over a lot of things
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for a short period of time. But we tend to generally leave a wake of collateral damage in our path
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when we just say, I'll get over it. Because we say or do something dumb and then we realize it was
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it was dumb. And then we go back to the person that we hurt maybe by our words or actions and we
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apologize. And then we don't understand why we don't immediately accept that apology. It's like,
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well, you did the damage. You can't just reverse it by apologizing. I'm speaking to myself here.
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So, we have to get to the real root of the issue. So, how do we do that? Well, there's some questions
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that we could begin to answer that will help us get to the root of our anger issues. And the questions
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are simple. Who, what, where, when, why, and how? Who, what, where, when, why, and how? So,
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let's address each one of those. All right. So, who are you angry with? Who are you angry with?
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And it might be easy to spot that on the surface. Well, my wife said this to me, or she did this,
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or she spent too much money. And so, I'm angry with her. Okay. Let's dig deeper. Let's say she spent
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too much money. Well, why does that make you angry? Well, if I'm thinking about from my perspective,
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I would be angry because there might be some trust issues. Maybe we communicated that we're
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not going to spend that money and she did it anyways. And now there's some trust issues and
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I don't trust her anymore. Right? Or maybe somebody else did that in the past, or maybe
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your parents didn't have enough money when you were younger. And so, her spending money is triggering
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all these thoughts about the way your parents handled money and you're mad at them, or you
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see what I'm saying? Like there's something deeper here going on. Are you really mad at
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your wife or are you mad at yourself? Are you mad at somebody else? Are you mad at a sibling
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or a parent or somebody? So again, when we're asking ourselves these questions, we got to dive
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deeper than the surface level because there might be something lurking underneath that we've
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never addressed. And if you can get to the root of the issue, then you can actually begin
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to solve the real problem. Not just the fact that you're angry sometimes because your wife
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happens to spend a little more money than you'd like. Okay. Next, what situations are
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transpiring when I'm angry or what is happening when I'm angry? I know for me that I tend to
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get angry or angrier when I don't have any margin in my day. Right? So maybe my kids are asking
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me questions and they want me to play and they want to do things that normally I would be thrilled
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to do. But because my schedule is back to back to back to back, I get overwhelmed and
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then that manifests as anger. So am I angry at my kids for asking if I'll do a puzzle with
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them? Of course, I'm not angry with them. Although I take it out on them, what I'm really angry
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with is myself and my mismanagement of time. Or I might also be angry with somebody else because
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they used me to get what they needed at the expense of my schedule. But again, that's your
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fault. That's not the other person's fault. That would be my fault for allowing my schedule
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to get away from me and making other people's problems a priority of mine. Now, there might
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be reasons why you would do that, but there's also reasons you wouldn't do that and have you
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identified it. So who, what, where, what is my environment like? Here's an example. I tend to
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get angry or at least irritable when there's a lot of clutter around, when there's trash around the
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house or things aren't put away or the kids have their toys strewn about everywhere or my office is
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a mess and I have paperwork that isn't filed. And so that's where I am. Like my environment can make
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me angry. It can make me irritable. And again, we got to go deeper. Why, why does a messy environment
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make you irritable? Well, because I can't find things and I can't find what I need, or I'm
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distracted by all these other little things that I can't focus on what I want. But if I can identify
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where I'm angry, then I can put myself in better environments and I can create better environments
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that will be more conducive to me not being angry. But we also have to know that we aren't
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always in control of our environment. Most of the time we are, but not always because you're
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going to be in environments that you aren't thrilled to be at. So you really have to dive
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deeper. If I'm in this environment that makes me uncomfortable, that makes me irritable, that
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gradually leads to anger, what am I going to do about it? How am I going to address it? Why is it being
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messy a bigger issue for you? You know, if you think back to your childhood and your house was
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always a mess, maybe your parents were hoarders, maybe you lost your things, then of course that's
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going to trigger a response in you. So we get to the root of it. So let's see who, what, where, when
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these are all kind of self-explanatory. I'm just trying to give you examples. Again, when I would say
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if I'm, if I haven't got enough sleep, you know, late at night, or I wake up early in the morning,
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I might be more irritable. Those are things to know. And then why we talked a lot about why,
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why are you angry? Why are you upset? And it's usually not the surface level. We got to go much
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deeper. The only other question I put here is how, meaning how do you express your anger?
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The better you can know yourself in these issues, the more you can begin to recognize the symptoms
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and then deal with the problems. So how do you manifest anger? Well, I tend to be impatient.
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I tend to make snippy comments, sarcastic comments to people, or maybe I mean to, I say mean things or
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hurtful language. These are all ways that I show anger. I don't usually hit ever, but I do use my
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language and my words. And that ends up being very sharp, directed towards, again, the people I love
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the most. That's, that's how it manifested for me. Again, important for me to know, because now I know
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when I'm doing that, when I, when I catch myself doing that, I can do this deeper work of who, what,
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where, when, why, and how. And what I would encourage you to do is to get a journal, go to Walmart,
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go to Target, go on Amazon, wherever you get your stuff, get a journal, a blank notepad and write
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today's date. I'm recording this on November 15th, 2022. I'm going to write that down. And then anytime
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that I get angry, I'm not going to be judgmental of that. I'm just going to answer these questions.
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So November 15th, 2022, I'm angry. Here's what I'm experiencing. Here's what I'm feeling. Here's why
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I think it is. Here's experiences in the past that have led to this. Here's who I'm angry with.
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Here's how it manifests itself. Because what we really need to do, in addition to getting to the
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root of an issue is we need to get it out of our minds. We can't let the toxicity just bounce around
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in our brain. Think about, think about the last time you threw up. Why did you throw up? Well,
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you were sick, right? Maybe you had food poisoning. Maybe you drank too much. Maybe you just had the flu,
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but your body is literally rejecting something that you have consumed. It's become toxic.
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And so your body is throwing it up. It's vomiting to get rid of whatever the issue is,
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right? We don't do that emotionally enough. And I'm not saying that you just go emotionally
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vomit all over other people and just dump all of your baggage on people. We're going to talk about
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this here in a minute, but you do have to get this out of your mind. Somehow there's constructive
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outlets we're going to talk about, but also journaling helps you work through it. And now
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it's not just toxic in there. You throw it up on the paper. And I don't even really care what you do
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with it. I would say, keep it. So you can go back and review it periodically. And maybe you learn some
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tools that you can help to overcome your anger, but man, you got to get rid of this stuff.
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Because what's going to happen if you don't do this in a healthy way is your body is eventually
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going to reject the venom and then you're going to vomit and you're going to vomit on somebody you
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love. You're going to say something hurtful. You're going to do something that's hurtful.
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You're going to hurt somebody. You might actually physically hurt somebody else. Your body will vomit
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on to somebody. And it's usually the people who are closest to you. So we got to deal with this
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guys. So that's how I would deal with it. Who, what, where, when, why, and how write those things
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down every day, document every time you get angry and you start to get to the root of it. So that's
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number one is let's get to the root of the issue. Number two, now that we're to the root of the issue
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and in conjunction with that, we need to learn to deal with our anger in healthy ways.
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There's really three ways that I see three ways. Okay. Number one is journaling. And I just talked
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about that. It's a great way to figure out your thoughts, to, to, to codify what's actually going
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on. So you can begin to understand it. You know what you're experiencing, but you don't quite know
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how to articulate it. So you begin to do that. So journaling is number one. Margin is a big one for
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me. If I feel myself, the blood's boiling a little bit and I'm getting angry and I'm getting
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upset and, and you know, I'm getting triggered and I can feel myself wanting to do or say something
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that might hurt somebody emotionally or even physically, then I have to get myself out of
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this environment. Okay. That is crucial because sometimes space just gives you a little bit of a
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perspective and maybe you really don't need to do what you're about to do. So if you feel yourself
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getting angry, just take a breather, take a step back, it doesn't mean retreat. It doesn't mean
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withdraw or hide. It doesn't mean never come back to whatever it is you're dealing with. Cause I can
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think of confrontational conversations with my wife, for example, or with my kids that need to be had
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and we might get upset. And so I think it's better just to take a step back, but you have to come back
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to the table. So margin, you have to come back to the table in a new frame. And again, journaling helps
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with that. And some other things we'll talk about. So again, we have journaling, we have margin, just a
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little bit of space to clear your head. And then I would say exercise. Exercise is amazing. It's an
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amazing way to vent. It's amazing to let off some steam, to blow through some steam, but it's not just
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the exercise. What I've noticed is that when I'm angry and I exercise, I noticed myself in some
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ways, even becoming more emotional afterwards, because I don't have the energy to maintain the
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facade of stoicism. For example, it's probably not the right word choice in that, but I don't have the
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facade of, of hiding my emotions right after an exhaustive workout. So if I've rolled jujitsu for an
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hour and a half, I just don't have the energy and willpower to put on this front about how I really
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feel. And now what I'm doing is I'm getting deep into the root of being angry or being jealous or
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being resentful or being hurt or whatever emotion you're experiencing. And so it begins to come out.
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And as long as you're in a healthy environment, whether it's jujitsu or with a punching bag or lifting
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weights or doing some other form of martial art or running or swimming or whatever your thing is,
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what a great outlet. Now you might feel yourself in the moment or even afterwards become very
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emotional. And what I want to say is that's okay. It's okay that you're upset. It's even okay if you
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get to the point where you, you want to cry. Now, look, are you going to do this in front of your
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family and, and, and drool and snot and babble? No, you're not going to do that in front of them.
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You're going to do that by yourself alone and let the tears flow. Let the rage go.
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Like it's got to vent and let that out in, in that healthy way. Uh, and man, you're just going
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to feel better because you're purging that toxicity. So again, the steps here, number one,
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again, get to the root. Number two, let it out in healthy ways. You got to have the outlets,
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the avenues for this anger. And then the third point, and this is the last point of the framework
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that I wanted to give you is that you need to learn to express yourself in a healthy way.
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Okay. And I'm not just talking about the outlets. I'm talking about the way that you communicate with
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people. So one thing that you might be able to do that I would love to see more of us get to this
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point is that when you're angry with, let's say a situation that involves your wife or your
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children that you can now talk to your wife about what you're experiencing or your children about
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what you're experiencing in a way that doesn't turn them off in a way that doesn't come across
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as accusatory in a way that doesn't paint you as a victim or a cry baby, but a very healthy way to
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express what is it, what it is you're experiencing. So I'll give you an example.
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Let's say that you and your wife, we'll go back to the financial discussion. You and your wife are
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having a discussion about finances and you feel like she's spending too much money on some particular
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expense throughout the month. And it's making you angry because you have some money issues that you've
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never dealt with, or some, maybe some guilt issues because you're not making enough money or as much
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money as you'd like. And you feel guilty about that. And so the real issue is not that she's
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spending. It's that you haven't learned to quote unquote, provide for your family. Well enough,
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that might be something that you're indicting yourself about. And then you're blaming it on
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her spending too much money. Just something to consider. So you're angry rather than blowing up,
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rather than accusing her, rather than making her out to be the villain. Instead, it might be
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appropriate because you know yourself now because you've journaled, you've gone to the root of the
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issue. You've answered the questions who, what, where, when, why, and how you know how to do this
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in healthy way. You've let out steam. And so you're not angry. And so now it's, Hey, hon, I want to share
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something with you. Uh, we have done the budget and we both agreed to the budget. And yet, in spite of
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that, it seems like every time we sit down that you have deviated from what we agreed upon. And that
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makes me angry. And the reason it makes me angry is because I want to be able to trust you. And I do
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trust you. But when you don't stick to something that we both agreed upon, that's a very frustrating
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thing to me because I can't plan out our budget, or I don't know if there's any money in the bank
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account. So when I go to the store, if my card's going to decline, and that would be embarrassing,
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you see the difference is like, you can still express yourself. You can still share that you're
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angry and you can even come to a resolution, but you're doing it in a constructive way about the way
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it makes you feel so that your wife doesn't feel like you're attacking her. Now you have to be open
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minded. Can you help me understand? Because look, she might have some insecurities she's dealing with
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too. Why might she spend more money on groceries every month? Well, here's a reason. Maybe when
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she was little, the family didn't have any food or they didn't have the provisions they needed.
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And so she wants to make sure not only does she have enough food for this week's groceries,
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but she also stashes some food away for a rainy day because that's something she used to have to
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deal with as a child. You have baggage, you're angry, and she might have baggage because she has her
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own insecurities and own life and own problems that she's dealing with. And if we come across
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and we're like, Hey, well, why are you? I can't believe you'd spend that year. How irresponsible
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can you be? Like this is our budget. Not only are you not expressing yourself in a healthy way and
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you're going to be angry and create contention and animosity in the relationship. You're also not
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leading her well because you're not giving her the space to work through the issues that she's got to
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work through too. So that's the beauty of using this system is not only is it serving you well,
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but it's going to help you lead more effectively and help the people who are closest to you
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work through their own issues. So let's recap. Number one, get to the root of the issue.
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Answer the questions on a deep level, not just a surface level. Who, what, where, when, why,
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and how. Number two is let out your anger in healthy ways. We talked about journaling. Every
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time you're angry or feel that blood boiling, write the date, write all the who, what, where,
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what, why, and how, and all that stuff, write it down. So you can begin to document and understand
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it about yourself. Give yourself some space and some margin and then go work out. And then number,
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let's see. So that's number two, give yourself a, learn to deal with it in healthy ways. And then
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number three is learn to express yourself in a healthy way. We want that vent. We want that
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little valve where you can communicate and you can express yourself and you can talk and you can use
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your big boy voice and you can explain to people how you feel without ruffling feathers and making
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the situation worse. Cause the boundaries also come into play, right? Now you have boundaries. Hey,
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hon, if we're going to make this budget, we got to stick to it. That's a boundary that I have.
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And we need to make sure that we do that. Is, am I off on the budget? Do we need to adjust it?
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Is there something you don't understand about it? Well, and what are the boundaries in place to
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ensure that this stays where it is, but giving them some margin as well.
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There it is guys. That is an overview of how you overcome your anger. I hope it helps. I hope it
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serves you. If you guys have additional thoughts, ideas, tactics, strategies that you use, share them.
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I'm going to post this on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, wherever you're doing the social media
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thing, YouTube. If you have additional comments, drop them in the comments, wherever you're listening
00:23:25.200
to this or watching this or picking up a clip from the show and let's serve each other. Let's help each
00:23:29.640
other out. And on that note, speaking of that, we have the iron council. That's our exclusive
00:23:35.620
brotherhood. It's opening back up December 15th. So that's a little less than a month away.
00:23:42.140
And we're having these types of discussions. In December, we're going to be talking about
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learning to forgive. That's our theme of the month. We're actually doing an in-depth study on
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Fight Club this month for the month of November, which is kind of cool.
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We also have teams and accountability groups. Those are the teams where you're going to be
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accountable to other guys and explain what you're going through and be able to serve other people as
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well. Very, very powerful group. It's called the iron council. You can check it out at orderofman.com
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slash iron council. Get your name on the list because we open up in less than a month. And
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this is going to help you skyrocket 2023. All right. That's it guys. That's what I've got for you
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today. We'll be back next week, but until then there, go out there, take action, overcome your anger
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Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of
00:24:33.560
the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.