Order of Man - Overcoming Alcoholism, Regaining Control of Emotions, and Manipulative Communication

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:04.940 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.360 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.000 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.520 you can call yourself a man.

00:00:24.400 Kip, what's up, man? Great to see you. This is, I believe, yes, this is the first Ask Me Anything

00:00:30.060 of the new year. So hopefully we do a good job. I was looking at something the other day. I pulled

00:00:36.420 it up on iTunes and last week we passed a thousand episodes. So we've done 1,005 episodes as of last

00:00:45.980 week. That is crazy to me. Yeah, that is a lot of talking. That's a lot of talking. And you guys

00:00:52.140 hopefully aren't too sick of us yet. We'll see. Yeah. Yeah. I'm, I'm close to 250. I think

00:00:58.740 that you've done for the Ask Me Anything. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, it is crazy. I was at a, I was at a

00:01:05.180 Christmas, uh, little get together last week. And one of the men there was asking me a bunch of

00:01:11.200 questions about order of man and iron council and what we're doing here. And I felt a little bad. I was,

00:01:17.480 I was kind of dismissive. You know, I'd, I'd answer his questions. You didn't want to talk

00:01:21.520 about it. I just didn't, I didn't feel like it. I just wanted to be there and enjoy and play games

00:01:26.100 and have fun and talk about something else. Yeah. Talk shop. And, uh, when then, then I saw that we

00:01:33.400 had a thousand episodes and I thought to myself, well, that's why I talk about this all day, all the

00:01:39.000 time. Sometimes I just don't want to talk about it. Earlier in the year, my son and I went on a moose hunt

00:01:45.360 and the guy, our guide, he's the owner of the camps that we were with and the outfitter. And he was

00:01:51.300 our guide as well. And he was asking me what I did. And I told him I had a podcast and he didn't

00:01:57.060 really say much or think much of it. And he went back that night and I guess he's got another young

00:02:02.220 man who listens to a lot of podcasts that works for him and was like, bro, that's a, that is a

00:02:06.820 legitimate podcaster. Like he's, yeah. And so, and so Mike came back the next day. He's like, you didn't

00:02:13.440 tell me how awesome your podcast. You're legit. I assumed you're a moron. Yeah. Right. And I said,

00:02:20.920 well, I don't, I don't know. I just, it is what it is, you know? And, and, and then we spent about

00:02:28.280 five days together just through hunting. And he told me at the end, he's like, it's like getting,

00:02:33.320 it's like pulling teeth, trying to get you to talk about what you do for work. I'm like, I know,

00:02:37.420 I just want to come up here and hunt and talk about something completely different than what I talk

00:02:42.840 about every day. That's funny. I'm sure you get this scenario. So, so I reached out to another

00:02:49.520 executive that's over like people and culture and we're, we're chatting and, and he was,

00:02:57.580 this guy's a stud and he was super like, man, you know, I'm like, congratulations on your new

00:03:05.040 position and the success that he's having. Cause he received some awards around how, how the kind

00:03:10.240 of work that he's doing. And so I'm like, okay, great job, man. And he's like, well, you know,

00:03:14.200 and, and part of it is I, I owe it to surrounding myself with people like you and getting feedback

00:03:19.140 and input from people like you. And at first I was kind of like, we don't talk that often.

00:03:25.020 Right. Like, you know what I mean? I'm, I'm thinking you're too kind. Right. Cause you're not

00:03:30.020 getting much input from me. And then in the conversation, he was like, I said something. He's

00:03:35.020 like, Oh, like last week's episode, when you mentioned this and I was like, Oh, I'm like,

00:03:40.380 that's funny. But, and I, I, I, I forgot, or I didn't even know that he even knew about the podcast.

00:03:49.040 Does it make sense? Yes. And so he's like, Oh, I'm getting edified through these conversations that I

00:03:54.980 didn't know we were having, you know, it makes you very aware of what you're saying.

00:04:00.300 Totally. Almost, almost like, man, what do I, I need to be more careful. Like sometimes

00:04:07.120 what I think, you know, but. Well, I, I had our pastor say one time that he's like, Oh,

00:04:11.240 I listened to that episode. I'm like, yee. I don't know. But the other day I, I had a bin of

00:04:19.480 mail that I was shipping out, hats, shirts, that sort of thing from our store. Yeah. And I walked

00:04:24.240 to the front door of the post office and the door opened before I got to it. And it was a UPS driver

00:04:29.540 and he was standing there in, in the doorway, but he was on his little handheld machine. So he

00:04:35.080 didn't notice I was there. And he took an unusual amount of time fiddling around with his machine

00:04:41.000 without seeing that I was there. Yeah. And I was like, in my head, I'm like, come on, man. Like,

00:04:45.800 hurry up. But I didn't say anything. Yeah, let's go. Right. I was just, I was very patient and just

00:04:51.220 kind of chuckled. And then he saw me. He's like, Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I said,

00:04:55.160 no problem. No problem. So he held the door open for me and I walked in and he's like, Hey,

00:05:00.060 you're Ryan Mickler. And I said, yeah. Yeah. He says, Oh, I've wanted to meet you. I know you live

00:05:06.900 here. I've delivered to your house before, but I've never had the chance to meet you. And so we

00:05:11.480 talked for a minute. It was really cool. And I thought at the end of it, I thought to myself,

00:05:16.040 I am glad that I was not an asshole to that guy. Cause I was tempted to be get, come on. Don't you

00:05:23.060 see him standing? Get out of the way. But I was, I was so glad that I was actually patient that time

00:05:27.960 and that he got the better version of me in that, in that moment. So yeah, totally.

00:05:32.800 Well, and in that spirit, my daughter, my daughter said, well, dad says something, blah, blah, blah.

00:05:41.200 While I was in the kitchen, this is like a couple of weeks ago. And I'm like, I did not say that.

00:05:45.340 She's like, I heard you say that on YouTube. And I'm like, Oh yeah. I'm like using it against you.

00:05:51.180 Dude. I know. I'm like, I, okay. You know what?

00:05:54.080 We got to get you to stop swearing. That's my goal for 2023 for you. Get you to stop swearing.

00:06:00.000 Done. Just like that. See how easy that is guys.

00:06:03.960 We'll see. We'll see. I will be calling you out. All right. Let's get to some questions. These

00:06:09.100 guys are sick of hearing from us on this stuff.

00:06:10.940 For sure. So we're fielding questions from the foundry. That is our system that we use in the iron

00:06:17.160 council. Um, if you were wise enough to stay to sign up, uh, we actually have a number of new

00:06:23.380 members within the iron council, uh, that actually submitted questions today. So like, and I don't

00:06:28.240 know if you know, the questions are new members. Yeah. Good. We actually, I decided to keep it open

00:06:32.000 until Friday till Friday. Okay. So it's still open. So if you guys, yeah, if you guys waited until the

00:06:38.160 new year, you got a very short window, literally what two days, three days to sign up before this

00:06:45.800 Friday. So to sign up, go to order of man.com slash iron council, join us there. You're going to

00:06:52.280 sign up and then you're going to hit the ground running. Cause we're, we've started, we're going

00:06:56.240 so started. Yeah, we're going. So these first few questions are from new members, taking advantage

00:07:00.960 of being members of the iron council, Richard tell us, uh, Terrace, what is your greatest achievement

00:07:07.240 of 2022 and what goal did you fail to achieve? Last question. Uh, yeah, I don't know that I

00:07:15.720 failed in any of my goals, but my greatest achievement and my biggest failure, I'll say

00:07:22.380 it that way are, are around the same thing. And that is ironic. It's my use of alcohol. It's the

00:07:30.280 alcohol abuse in 2022. It got, it got really bad guys. Like really, really bad. I was in a really

00:07:36.360 dark place. In fact, I did not realize how bad it was until like last week where I see things so

00:07:43.720 much differently. You had another breakthrough last week of like how bad. I just see it so

00:07:48.800 differently. I remember things. I, I, I remember how I felt. I remember the dark place I was in

00:07:54.880 horrible, horrible place. I treated my family horribly. Like it was just bad. And so that was

00:08:01.660 my greatest failure. You know, that I, uh, for a guy that talks to other men about becoming their

00:08:07.240 best, being their best version of themselves. How could I, how, how could I fall into that? And I'm

00:08:13.720 not saying how could I, because I'm above anybody else, but I just felt so hypocritical about falling

00:08:18.860 into that trap and succumbing to the, the addiction and the temptation of alcohol. But my greatest

00:08:26.660 victory is over the past, let's see, August, September, October, November, December. Now we're

00:08:33.580 into January. So I'm over five months sober now. So I've lost weight, energy levels. I'm seeing things

00:08:41.080 clearer. I definitely way healthier relationships with people around me. Uh, that I feel better just

00:08:48.540 talking with you guys. Everything about my life is, is getting gradually better. And I don't want to

00:08:54.320 dismiss that there's, there is collateral damage that I have, that I have that's, you know, that I

00:09:01.000 have to deal with. Uh, but things are, I'm on the path and things are improving and we're working

00:09:06.520 towards resolutions with some of these things. Yeah. Well, geez, anything I say is not going to,

00:09:11.460 it's going to sound mediocre. Uh, you know, it's funny. Hold on a second. Let me interject on that

00:09:16.240 though, Kip. And I know you're joking about that, but I actually think that a lot of people might

00:09:20.640 believe that they might think, well, what do I, and Ryan's going through that. I, what do I have

00:09:25.580 to complain about? Or I've thought that, you know, Hey, there's, there's these people going

00:09:30.420 through these horrific, horrible situations. And here I am dealing with putting a bottle of booze

00:09:35.960 down. Like who am I to have that problem when these people have this problem? And that's where we need to

00:09:41.540 avoid comparing ourselves to other people. What you're dealing with is important. It's not something

00:09:48.420 that you should just write off because somebody else has it worse than you. And by the way,

00:09:52.820 acknowledging that you're in a bad situation doesn't dismiss or diminish what somebody else

00:09:58.500 might be going through. And I know you were joking in that moment, but I know a lot of guys are like,

00:10:03.220 well, I shouldn't have a problem with this. Well, you do, you don't acknowledge it, own it,

00:10:08.980 give it some weight so you can actually deal with it accordingly. Well, and, and the irony of what

00:10:14.420 you just said is usually they dismiss it and that is a, ends up being a lack of action on their part.

00:10:21.540 So they don't address it, even though it's a small thing, right. In comparison, perhaps. Right. But

00:10:27.420 I've always loved the analogy of like, if it's a problem, if it's real for you, if it's a heartache

00:10:32.120 for you, then it's a heartache period. Yeah. I, we get that in the Facebook group occasionally where

00:10:37.500 somebody will post something and, and a bunch of guys will, you know, henpeck them and they're like,

00:10:41.580 well, you, that's stupid. That's an issue that guy's dealing with. Who are you to dismiss that?

00:10:47.980 So are you to try to interject how that person feels about what they're going through? Why don't

00:10:53.080 we just help that person? And then it is no longer an issue for them. Yeah, I totally agree. Um, you

00:10:59.840 know, achievement wise, it's kind of funny. Like, um, if I look at my battle plans, I had a lot of

00:11:07.180 achievements, right. And objectives that I felt like I met, there's something that's not on any

00:11:12.920 of my battle plans this year. That is probably the greatest achievement. And it's odd. It's just

00:11:17.780 really present on my mind is this year I've gotten very clear on, and there's different books and

00:11:26.700 different people call these different things, but like my leadership style or like really where my

00:11:32.540 strengths are. That has been very apparent to me this past year, more and almost to the extent that

00:11:39.060 if you asked me certain questions last year, they wouldn't have been on the list. And it's, so it's

00:11:44.460 very present on my mind. I'm like, Whoa. And, and then of course, following up to that is now my ability

00:11:50.520 to take, take advantage of those talents given to me or those strengths that I have. And what am I

00:11:55.460 going to do with them? Um, failure wise that probably, and it's not even a failure. Um, but

00:12:01.760 probably the biggest failure that I had this year is, is, is that house that we're building at the

00:12:07.760 lake, right? We're, we're, we're burning, we're, we're building it with cash. Right. And so my biggest

00:12:15.040 failure is my savings. Like I look at my savings and I'm like, Oh man, like it felt so nice. You know what I

00:12:22.420 mean? To have like a decent savings. And now it's the structure. Would you consider that a failure?

00:12:27.620 Because you made a decision, a conscious decision. Yeah. It's not a failure. It's not a failure.

00:12:32.620 Okay. That's a, that's a weak failure. Let me, I don't know. I don't have like a, there's not a

00:12:37.200 major thing this year that I felt like I failed to achieve. I felt great about the year, right? We,

00:12:45.220 we had some huge success. I do. How's this a failure of mine. I still get triggered over things easily.

00:12:52.700 I'm not over that yet. Things, things disrupt me. My default opinion is to stonewall and go quiet and

00:13:00.600 not talk about it. And that's still a really bad habit of mine. What have you, what have you done

00:13:06.300 to address that? You know, it, it, it goes in segments, right? So like to be full trans fully

00:13:13.040 transparent, you know, Asia and I were just talking about this the other day and I was like, you know,

00:13:16.760 here I am recommitting, right? All right. I'm going to recommit, right? If I'm upset about something,

00:13:21.180 I'm going to communicate it so we can talk about it. So it's on the table, you know, and we can

00:13:26.040 address it. And I'll, and I've done that multiple times, but I'm not consistent with it. Right. Like

00:13:31.440 I'll be like great at communicating. And then like six months, all of a sudden I'm upset and I'm not

00:13:37.060 communicating anymore. Right. And, and, and I think at the root of it really at the root of it is

00:13:43.400 it's really a form of manipulation, to be honest. It is, I I'm trying to control her reactions.

00:13:53.040 You're trying to elicit a response. Yeah. And, and, and I don't want her to maybe get upset or I want

00:14:00.380 her to make, make a change without getting upset. And by communicating it, it might create a big

00:14:05.520 disruption. And I need to really have that mentality, Ryan. And I think you're, I think

00:14:10.040 you're good at this. I sense this anyway, but being good with my response and my communication.

00:14:20.800 And if you choose to overreact, that's on you, that's not on me, but I'll, I almost put that on

00:14:27.720 me. Like, Oh, if I talk to Ryan and he responds incorrectly, like, you know what I mean? Then I'm

00:14:33.020 not going to talk to him about it or I'm not going to whatever, versus giving you that agency

00:14:37.340 to choose how you might know, don't get me wrong. I'm not throwing out like tactics and

00:14:41.740 communicating effectively or whatever, but I'm trying to manipulate and control the situation

00:14:45.940 and how you're going to react versus doing it correctly in my mind, feeling good about my

00:14:51.840 communication and then letting you decide how you're going to react and being okay with whatever

00:14:56.240 reaction you have. And, and that's a, that's a struggle of mine. I, oh, I appreciate it. I'm not

00:15:01.840 actually, I'm not good at that either. You say I'm good at it, but, but there's a couple of

00:15:06.100 attachment styles. I think we've kind of hit on this in the past several months where you have

00:15:10.960 more of an avoidance attachment style. So when things aren't working, it's distance, avoid. I

00:15:16.160 have, um, Oh, now I drew a blank, uh, assert, assertive or aggressive. I can't remember. What is

00:15:23.140 it called? Attached. I don't, I can't even think of what it is now drawing a blank, but I will run

00:15:29.140 into it. Right. So anxious, anxious attachment. So I have an anxious attachment style, whereas,

00:15:36.680 okay, there's an issue. I'm anxious about it. I want to go attack it, but the result,

00:15:41.540 that's what I mean. You communicate it where I don't. Right. Yeah. So there's some value to that,

00:15:45.940 but there, there is, there's also value to disengage too. Right. It's, it's not about which

00:15:52.200 one is right or wrong. It's about using the appropriate action in, in the right moment.

00:15:56.020 The problem with an anxious attachment style, like I have is I'm trying to manipulate too.

00:16:02.100 Just like you're trying to manipulate. You're just trying instead. Yeah, exactly. So both of us are

00:16:07.100 trying to manipulate in different ways. I asked you that question because I wonder, and I, and I've

00:16:14.580 really tried to work on this myself over the past several months is if you've gotten to the work of

00:16:19.980 figuring out why those things trigger you so that you don't even get triggered in the first place,

00:16:25.480 yeah. I, so I actually, I'm aware of those triggers where, where I fail to be Frank, when,

00:16:33.060 when I pause that, and that isn't that ironic that that, that is like the very solution for me,

00:16:38.940 at least is to actually pause my, my empathy and understanding is great. If I literally just sit

00:16:46.900 with it and go, wait, is, is, because that's the difference, right? Is that truth? Whatever

00:16:52.860 triggered me. Is that true? And the reality of it in, in most cases, it's not true. It's my

00:16:57.500 interpretation. Asia does acts. I make it mean this, you know what I mean? And then I get derailed

00:17:02.760 and I don't know. And it's ironic. Someone said this on Friday and I, I, I, I probably like skimmed

00:17:12.080 through it way too fast on our iron council call, but there, there is a distinction that I've, I've

00:17:18.980 learned over the years that there's always a way there's always, and the way it was explained to me

00:17:23.600 is you're already always listening. There's a, there's a paradigm by which you see the world

00:17:28.720 consistently all the time. And, and this brother on this call, I thought it was profound because I felt

00:17:35.220 this way so many times. He said something to the extent of, it feels good to have something go

00:17:41.280 wrong. Like it feels good. And I felt that way. In fact, there's been evidence in my life where I

00:17:49.300 found out a girl I was dating was cheating on me and it felt good. There's some satisfaction I got from

00:17:57.720 it. And what was the satisfaction? The satisfaction is I was right. I was right about me. I was right

00:18:04.700 that I wasn't good enough. I was right. It's this validation that I'm freaking right about a horrible

00:18:12.900 paradigm that I have about myself. Are you joking? That is so horrible. Right. And, and, and that's my

00:18:20.820 default of that paradigm by which I see the world. So when Asia does X, it triggers me. There's some

00:18:25.840 payoff. You're like, see, see, I knew it. I knew it. And so I want to hold on to the payoff I'm getting.

00:18:33.360 Yeah. Because it validates how I feel instead of pausing it and fighting against that and going,

00:18:40.280 no, that's not true. That's unfair to her. You know what I mean? And then re and in essence,

00:18:46.720 and it sounds extreme to some people, but, and restore my integrity because why am I out of

00:18:52.840 integrity? Because I'm the one withholding love and affection based upon a pretense of something

00:18:58.500 that's not even true. Right. So in most cases, when I'm upset, it's me that should be correcting

00:19:04.400 and restoring my integrity and asking for an apology. And this is where mostly everyone gets

00:19:09.180 this wrong, right? We have these broken relationship with parents and everyone goes,

00:19:12.640 Oh, I need to talk to my dad, you know, restore my relationship. And I want to dump on him all the

00:19:18.060 things we've done wrong. You want to be empowered. You need to go to your father that treated you poorly

00:19:22.920 and you need to ask for forgiveness. Hmm. That's how you get complete with someone,

00:19:29.260 not changing them, getting correct with yourself, you know? So, well, even that asking for an apology

00:19:37.060 or, or, uh, or asking for forgiveness can be a form of manipulation. Totally. Totally. Yeah.

00:19:43.460 You're going to start behaving a certain, I had a really interesting contract. That's what it is.

00:19:47.820 I had an interesting conversation with my wife, uh, over the weekend. And when you talked about being

00:19:54.500 right, something going wrong and then you being right. So it validates the fact that you were

00:19:59.520 concerned about it. I, I try to, to make others right, according to my definition of right.

00:20:08.100 So my wife and I were talking about something this weekend and, and she was telling me how she felt about

00:20:13.640 it. And normally I would say, Hey, you don't need to feel that way because of dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

00:20:19.800 Like you don't need value. That's not, that's not what I was trying to do, or that's not what I was

00:20:25.060 trying to communicate. And so what I'm, what I'm doing is I'm trying to make it. So she doesn't feel

00:20:31.780 that way. Yeah. And for whatever reason, it clicked on me this weekend when we were having that

00:20:36.380 conversation and I told her, I said, I hear that. You know what? Okay. Thanks. Thank you for letting

00:20:42.800 me know. Yeah. And I didn't say anything else. It was just thank, thank you for telling, I'm sorry

00:20:48.640 you feel that way. And I, and I, but I really appreciate you telling me, thank you for telling

00:20:53.100 me how that feels. Yeah. And that was it. That was amazing. Yeah. And amazing for her, right? Like

00:21:00.360 how many times have you communicated to someone and they're like, nah, that's not true. And you're like,

00:21:05.400 you're invalidating. Like this isn't truth. I'm telling you, this is how I feel, whether it's

00:21:11.800 true, whether it's wrong, whether it's right. It doesn't matter. This is my interpretation of the

00:21:16.700 situation. So, you know, right. That's it. And no, that's not true. You shouldn't feel, you know,

00:21:22.860 it's like, man, like it's not, I think you didn't feel hurt in those scenarios. I think that comes from

00:21:28.900 the work that I've been doing over the past several months. I've talked extensively about it with

00:21:33.580 journaling. Uh, when it, when it comes to being emotionally triggered about things, for example,

00:21:37.980 uh, getting it off my chest, just in the written form and out of my mind helped. Oh, completely.

00:21:45.660 Because if somebody does something, my wife does or says something that, that I don't like, or my kids

00:21:50.560 or you or anybody, I can feel myself. Okay. I'm getting emotionally triggered. And then I don't

00:21:55.720 respond to it right away that evening or that afternoon. I'll get out the journal and I'll write,

00:21:59.840 like, this is what's bothering me today. Okay. And then you look at it objectively, like, Hmm,

00:22:04.840 that's a strange thing to be upset about. Why am I upset about that? And then you start writing why

00:22:10.500 you're upset. Well, this one time, this one person did this one thing to me. Oh my gosh. So I'm mad at

00:22:15.380 Kip because he didn't show up exactly on time for our recording. And it's because, uh, I feel

00:22:22.240 disrespected because one time, 30 years ago, somebody I thought was a friend did the same thing.

00:22:29.400 And then we lost our friendship and you're projecting it on me. Yeah. That's a, I mean,

00:22:35.300 that's, that is a, that's a huge leap to make, but it's there. I'm telling you it is there. And if

00:22:42.660 you can get that out of your mind and onto paper and start to process why you're feeling the way you

00:22:47.500 feel, then the next time it happens, it's not emotionally, you already did the emotional work

00:22:52.520 on it. You've already gone through the process. So in this case, I would say, Hey Kip, not mad or

00:22:58.060 anything. I just need to make sure we start on time. Cause you're busy. I'm busy. Let's just

00:23:01.140 respect each other's time and the story worse. Yeah. And worst case, like I, I think, well,

00:23:06.300 let me ask you this. Is it bad even to communicate the trigger, right? Like say, Hey, just so you know,

00:23:11.380 like this is one of the areas that kind of gets me riled up. It's not justified. It's, you know,

00:23:17.140 kind of a story of mine or whatever. And then give me the chance to go, Oh, you know, that's really

00:23:22.620 good to know. Right. I will make a thing depending on the relationship to make sure. Yeah. I mean,

00:23:27.560 I may not do that in a, in a employer employee context, right? I don't know. Hey, I need you to

00:23:33.960 be on time. I don't need to explain why that triggers me. You need to be on time because then

00:23:39.180 I might actually be giving you some justification for not upholding the deal. Yeah. But I think just

00:23:46.160 not holding me accountable or whatever. Right. But I think for your wife. Yeah. I think that would

00:23:51.720 be a good thing to explain to her like, Hey hon, when you do this, I feel this way and I'm working

00:23:57.980 on it personally, not taking such offense to it, but I just want to let you know, it makes me feel

00:24:02.500 bad because of this. I think that's completely appropriate. Totally. Let me ask you this,

00:24:08.500 Ryan, last question, last question around a question that has nothing to do with the original

00:24:13.260 question. So those triggers, when you look back and you're documenting, like, kind of like,

00:24:21.540 okay, this, this really bothers me. And you're kind of finding its original source. If you want

00:24:25.860 to use that term, this has been explained to me as kind of your defining moments. And usually those

00:24:32.060 defining moments are as clear as day. And this was true for me where I could actually look past my life

00:24:38.240 and there were scenarios by which I saw the world one way. And after that event that I remember,

00:24:44.400 like it was yesterday, my perspective of the world changed or the perspective of self changed. And

00:24:50.640 there's usually roughly about five of them. Is that true for you? Like when you're going back that

00:24:55.900 these are defining moments for you, like you can remember them like they're yesterday.

00:25:00.720 Yeah. I have those moments. One was where my dad, when my dad died, that was a defining moment for me

00:25:05.980 because I took him off the pedestal. I had put him on and I realized that he was human. He was not

00:25:13.040 superhuman. Yeah. And I saw a lot of myself in that moment, a lot of him in myself, I should say.

00:25:20.560 Yeah. And so I realized that I was mistreating him because I had put him on a pedestal and then

00:25:27.720 I was holding him to an impossible standard. Yeah. Yeah. These impossible, but these expectations

00:25:35.460 on him that were unfair. And that was a mistreatment of him on my part. And I wonder, you know,

00:25:41.220 he's gone now, but I wonder if I would have taken him off that pedestal a little earlier,

00:25:45.680 if we would have had a better relationship because they didn't place those faulty,

00:25:50.620 unrealistic expectations on him. And there's other moments, but that's one that comes to mind.

00:25:55.500 Totally. Totally. All right. Adam Lewis, opening, opening up some jujitsu talk as a martial artist,

00:26:04.300 perfection is unattainable. Yes or no? What are your guys' thoughts?

00:26:08.360 No. I don't even, what is perfection? Like, does that even exist?

00:26:16.600 Because everything can get anywhere because anything can get better. And then you add an

00:26:22.400 element of unpredictability where you're fighting against an opponent. How do I know? I don't know

00:26:29.840 what you're going to do. I might, based on my knowledge of the martial art, based on my past

00:26:35.640 history of training with you. I might have a pretty good idea of what you're going for,

00:26:40.220 but there's so much unpredictability that I cannot perfect because it's contingent upon external

00:26:47.760 circumstances. So no, perfection is not possible. And, you know, I don't even like the idea of striving

00:26:55.340 for perfection. People say that, well, it's not possible, but strive for it. That doesn't gel in my

00:27:00.620 mind. Like I, on one hand, I know it's not possible, but on the other, I'm supposed to

00:27:05.760 strive for something that's not possible. That's, that doesn't compute for me. So I, and I don't

00:27:10.700 care. You can look at it as semantics, figure out how are you want to frame it in your mind. But in my

00:27:15.100 mind, I, I strive for mastery, mastery. And to me, mastery is you're on the path, you're actively

00:27:25.600 doing it. You're looking at things that other like novices wouldn't necessarily look at. I was

00:27:31.420 thinking about this. My daughter was watching a dance show the other day and I got caught watching

00:27:36.880 it. And I'm sitting there watching the show and this, the lead role, like she's this incredible

00:27:42.920 dancer and I'm watching her dance. And I was thinking what separates her from somebody who's

00:27:52.180 a good dancer, not a great dancer, but a good dancer. Well, it's her toes. It's the way she

00:27:57.920 holds her head. It's her fingers in the right position. It's her facial expressions. It's, it's

00:28:03.740 that extra little thing that maybe you just can't quite put your, your finger on. That's mastery.

00:28:09.980 Have you ever rolled jujitsu with somebody who is so effortless and seamless, and it seems so easy

00:28:16.660 and almost artistic and beautiful that you're like, Whoa, this is awesome. This guy is a master.

00:28:23.400 It isn't forceful. It isn't clunky. It's just fluid and masterful. That that's what I strive

00:28:30.480 for anyways. Totally. Well, I mean, it's like, you know, I I've shared this before when I started

00:28:36.920 training in the, in the first couple of years, it was about belts, right? I was like, okay, I'm,

00:28:43.620 I'm here to, I Mike, I there's a goal associated to training. And the goal was to eventually get a

00:28:50.120 black belt. By the time I got there, the goal had changed. It was no longer about the belt.

00:28:58.760 It was about going to the gym and training and learning and creating and, and the emotional

00:29:06.960 benefits of it. That's it. The goal like was no longer a destination. It was actually a state of being

00:29:13.020 and that's not going to change until I die. So, and I think that's, isn't that life? It's a game.

00:29:21.140 We're playing a game, call it a game if you'd want, and the game's not over until you're dead. So

00:29:25.660 there is no end game, right? The end game is to be determined, right? And it's about growth and

00:29:34.020 learning and everything else. And what's also fun about this idea. I did a lesson at church yesterday,

00:29:42.700 and you'll, you'll find this kind of fun because you can imagine me teaching this subject at in

00:29:47.420 gospel doctrine. So the, the, the lesson was on learning, how to own your learning, your spiritual

00:29:58.020 journey. And, and in, in this space of industry there's levels of learning universities and schools

00:30:07.320 are usually like the lowest two levels of learning. And at the top of that pyramid of learning is

00:30:12.800 creation. That is the highest level of learning. And so you want to know if you're starting to get

00:30:19.800 in the space of mastery, it's when you're making, you're creating things, ideas are, are forming that

00:30:27.140 that's the ultimate form of creation or the ultimate level of learning and mastery. And not to get

00:30:33.020 religious, but isn't that ironic, but the top level of learning is also the most godly thing that we

00:30:38.020 will all do. And that is to create, to create. That's interesting. I was, as you were saying that

00:30:44.440 I was reminded of jujitsu last week and I've, I've really tried to be conscious of not falling into

00:30:51.200 my game, quote unquote, my game, which is smash and pressure, right? Yeah. Which may be a paradigm

00:30:58.340 that you've put on yourself that maybe it's not your game, right? Maybe. I mean, I like it.

00:31:02.700 I enjoy that element of it, but I was, uh, I, I had seen some like Baron Bolo stuff and I was like,

00:31:09.780 well, let me try this, you know? And so, so I hooked my leg in a figure four and I tried it to

00:31:14.920 go for the back and the guy ended up on my back. I think if I remember, right. Yeah. There's a

00:31:18.740 moment where it's a babel for both. Yeah. Yeah. It totally did not work. And, uh, we both chuckled,

00:31:25.080 you know, which is kind of weird. Cause he's on your back and you're, he's laughing like in your

00:31:31.060 ear. It's really weird. And so he just kind of stopped and reset, you know, but, uh, it was,

00:31:37.880 it was kind of cool too, because I don't know how to do it, but I'm confident enough in jujitsu that

00:31:44.240 I'm like, well, this is a good moment to try it. Yeah. And that's a really cool place to be where

00:31:48.880 you can be creative. You can be a little bit more lighthearted about it. I think a lot of guys come

00:31:54.260 into jujitsu and they're like, I got to crush and kill and destroy. Yeah. And, and I'm realizing

00:32:00.600 now that I actually like just to be kind of lighthearted about it. Like if you're on somebody's

00:32:05.320 back, you know, just whisper in their ear, just something kind of creepy or, you know, just try,

00:32:11.640 try different things that don't work or do work. Just be fun with it. And that's, that's where I'm at

00:32:19.480 right now, which I enjoy. Yeah. Uh, there's the last thing I was going to say on this Kip is that,

00:32:24.640 um, you're talking about perfection. Perfection is really subjective. You know, if, if I were to say,

00:32:31.920 what is the perfect car, I'd get a thousand different answers. What is the perfect woman?

00:32:36.260 I'd get a thousand different answers. What is the perfect book? A thousand different answers.

00:32:41.260 It's all subjective, which means that it doesn't really exist objectively.

00:32:45.700 Yeah. And, and changes for you. Yeah. Right. What, what the perfect life for Ryan was 10 years ago

00:32:53.840 is not what he thinks the perfect life is right now. Yeah. It's changing for all of us. Yeah. Cool.

00:33:01.200 Andy Collins, 2022 was a rough year financially had nearly, I'm counting the numbers here,

00:33:08.860 20,000 in house and car repairs and medical bills. I'm trying to regain control over finances

00:33:15.420 and I'm starting financial peace university and using other tactics to get my finances under control

00:33:21.400 and rebuild my emergency fund. What advice would you give? I would say do that.

00:33:28.760 I think, I think what might happen here is you can get inundated with so much advice

00:33:36.300 that you don't do any of it or you do it all. It's kind of like taking a shotgun and shooting a deer

00:33:43.320 with it. You know, it's possible. You got to use a certain kind of, kind of round, you know,

00:33:48.020 but if you're using some sort of birdshot, it's going to be pretty difficult to take down a deer

00:33:53.140 like that, you know, but if you put a 308 through a deer's lungs, pretty effective. Right. And I think

00:34:01.860 you might be running into the same situation here. If you do 17,000 different things to get your finances

00:34:07.140 in order, you're going to be really ineffective with those 17,000 things. But if you go through

00:34:12.380 financial peace university and I, if I remember correctly, step one is to save a thousand dollars

00:34:16.500 and you are hyper-focused on saving a thousand, that's it. That's all you're doing. That's all

00:34:21.900 you're worried about. Trust me. You're going to save a thousand dollars. If next you start paying

00:34:26.740 off debt with the exception of the mortgage, I believe, I can't totally remember.

00:34:31.080 This is Dave Ramsey. This is Dave Ramsey. And what he says with the debt snowball is to take the debt

00:34:36.440 that you can pay off the fastest. So you take all of your discretionary spending and you hammer it,

00:34:41.340 just hammer it all in one place towards one debt, the one you can pay off the fastest.

00:34:46.000 And then what do you do next? The next fastest debt, next fastest debt, next step. Okay. And so

00:34:50.460 on. So I don't need to go through all the steps. The moral of the story is you're going to be

00:34:55.740 hyper-focused on one step at a time. And you're only thinking about the next step once you complete

00:35:02.740 the first step. So you don't need more information. You've got it all. Sometimes that doesn't sit well

00:35:09.780 because as men, we're like, I got to fix it. There's more I can do. There's more I can learn.

00:35:13.900 It's got to be the best way. Yeah. And there is things that you can learn. And I would suggest

00:35:19.080 that you start studying on stocks and the market and real estate and learning about paying off debt

00:35:25.980 and a psychology of money. There's a lot of stuff that you can read up on and learn about while

00:35:31.340 you're actively and aggressively pursuing whatever that step is in front of you. That's what I would say

00:35:36.220 to you. There's nothing else I would add that you're not already doing. Just focus on that one

00:35:41.700 and be content with doing that. It'll work if you do it. I want to draw a correlation to maybe fitness

00:35:47.800 as just an analogy so we can all benefit from this. This is the equivalent of the guy that is out of

00:35:55.060 shape and he's coming in the new year and he's like, all right, here's my plan. I'm going to get up

00:36:00.220 at 5 a.m. I got this workout regimen I'm following. Here's the strict diet. There's all these things.

00:36:06.220 And it's like, or you could just make sure not to drink soda. Right. And your success of just not

00:36:14.600 drinking soda and juices for the next three months would be substantial. Yeah. And sometimes we look,

00:36:22.080 we look at that low heating fruit and you're like, that's not enough. And then they take on too much.

00:36:26.100 And then two, three weeks in they fell, you know, and they didn't make any progress,

00:36:32.260 which I don't mind because I hate going to the gym with all you new year's resolution people.

00:36:37.880 Cause the gym's a shit shit. I swore the gym's a mess. I thought you were done. I thought you

00:36:44.580 were done. I'm done now. That's your only, that's what you said 20 minutes ago. Are you done or are

00:36:51.940 you not done? Okay. The gym's a mess, you know? So I kind of like everyone falling off of their

00:36:57.680 new year's resolution, because I'm like, I want all these people out of here that aren't like

00:37:03.160 full-time committed, you know? So selfish, man. I know it is so selfish. Um, what one thing I would

00:37:09.680 say, and I heard this quote a long time ago and it's really stuck with me is that action does not

00:37:14.480 equal prudence. Action doesn't equal prudence, but we, as men think it does, we're going to go in

00:37:21.160 and I'm going to hammer that nail until it's exactly where I need it to be. Well, you know

00:37:26.300 what? Maybe that nail doesn't need to be hammered right now. We mistake action with prudence. We

00:37:31.820 think if we cut, cut out all the processed sugars and go to the gym and do this and do that and do

00:37:36.320 this ad nauseum that things will get better. Not always. If you're doing the wrong action at the

00:37:44.080 wrong time in the wrong order, it actually could compound the problem and make it worse. So let's not

00:37:50.060 mistake action for prudence. Let's take the right actions to the right degree in the right timing

00:37:58.440 and trust that the process will work. Andy Garrison, what do you think most men should

00:38:07.480 be paying attention to or thinking about in 2023, but probably aren't your emotions? A hundred percent,

00:38:13.960 a hundred percent. This is something that guys are not dealing with and that they're, they're led to

00:38:22.360 believe either they're told directly or indirectly, but they're led to believe that I shouldn't be

00:38:27.180 emotional. I shouldn't show my emotions. I shouldn't let my emotions get the better of me, all these

00:38:32.620 little things that we say. And so we push them down and we subdue them and we hide them and they come

00:38:38.900 out at the worst possible moment in the worst possible ways. And then you might fall into some

00:38:45.460 other behavioral issues. For example, alcoholism. I'm pointing to myself on this one because you

00:38:51.620 never actually addressed your emotions. You never addressed the real problems. And so you can't deal

00:38:58.280 with it. Like I couldn't deal with it. I didn't know how to deal with it. And so rather than dealing

00:39:03.560 with it, I hit it and I sedated it and I medicated over the top of it and it creates some real problems.

00:39:10.640 So yeah, emotions. Part of that is journaling. Part of that is, is just knowing, just accepting that

00:39:16.300 you're emotional and it's not unmanly. Just I'm emotional. I'm a human being. I get sad. I get hurt.

00:39:24.240 I'm happy. I'm resentful. I'm bitter. Like I have this wide range of emotions. I have it all.

00:39:30.840 And so why, what, what am I trying to learn from it? What do I need to experience? What do I need

00:39:37.140 to fix in my life? It's, it's the emotional work. A hundred percent. I like it. Stephen Gresham,

00:39:44.680 a huge goal for me is to get comfortable with saying no, so I can work on my stuff,

00:39:49.840 but I really come alive when I'm around people I'm close with any advice on when to say no versus

00:39:56.080 when to enjoy the moment with loved ones. Thanks guys. I'm loving the icy already.

00:40:00.840 I like this question a lot. Actually. I do too. I, I have to go back though,

00:40:05.140 before we get to that one, I have to go back to the emotional thing. Oh yeah.

00:40:09.340 Um, cause I wrote something down as I, as I finished it's, I heard this, this phrase from

00:40:14.640 on the Granger Smith podcast this morning, he was talking with his friend and he was talking about

00:40:18.600 keystone habits, habits that if you get right, it trickles down and impacts every aspect of your life.

00:40:23.580 And it was very interesting to me because doing emotional work is a keystone practice.

00:40:30.620 So if, if you're thinking to yourself, well, I want a better relationship with my wife,

00:40:33.880 do emotional work. I want a better relationship with my kids. Emotional work will help with that.

00:40:38.220 I want to get fit. I want to be strong. I want to be healthy. Emotional work will help with that.

00:40:42.240 I want to make more money and be better for my clients and add more value to my community or,

00:40:46.480 or my clients. Yep. Emotional work will help with that. So it's a, it's a keystone practice.

00:40:51.940 All right. So how do you say no, even though he likes to be around his family

00:40:57.420 and gets energized from that, any tips for saying no, because he's becoming overwhelmed. It sounds

00:41:04.020 like. Yeah. Or maybe he's not executing on something that he wants to work on because people want to

00:41:11.640 hang out with him and his loved ones want to be around him and say no. And that, that, the kind of

00:41:15.880 that choice between the two. Yeah. Well, I think the first thing you need to do is really just decide

00:41:21.160 for yourself how much time you're willing to put into each one of those areas and don't make it

00:41:25.280 contingent upon what they might or might not think. Okay. You know, I'd like to spend time with a family

00:41:31.640 on the weekends and I'm just not going to do the weekdays because I have my own family. And then on

00:41:35.600 Tuesday and Thursday nights, I have this and this and this, but come up with whatever that schedule

00:41:39.620 looks like. If you haven't done that, how are you going to know how much time to allocate towards

00:41:44.860 certain aspects of your life? Yeah. Once you have that established and you feel good about what that

00:41:50.460 schedule looks like, now you're going to go communicate that to the people who will be

00:41:54.280 impacted by it. So that might be your family. I don't know if you're married or if you have kids,

00:41:59.360 if you do, obviously you're going to want to communicate it with them, but you're not

00:42:03.100 communicating it at least at this point as a hard set in stone, you're communicating it and you're

00:42:08.320 trying to get some feedback from them because I know the women that I've heard from and even my

00:42:13.740 wife, when I say, Hey, I'm going to go to train jujitsu on Wednesday nights. She's like, Oh, that's,

00:42:20.940 that's good. That works. Perfect. Or she might say, no, Wednesday night doesn't work. You need to do

00:42:24.720 Tuesday night. Well, Tuesday's fine. It's the same thing for me. So that's fine. Yeah. But she's never

00:42:29.640 not said, Oh no, I don't want you taking care of yourself. You know, she's, she, oh, she's, I said,

00:42:35.900 she's never not. She's never said, I don't want to take care of yourself. She's never. In fact,

00:42:41.640 if I miss or I allude to the fact that I might be missing, she'll say, no, you, you should go.

00:42:47.980 She wants me to go do those things. And the people in your life want you to take care of yourself.

00:42:52.840 So come up with a schedule, communicate it and work, work that plan a little bit. Cause it might

00:42:57.040 need some massaging based on who's going to be impacted. Maybe the kids need to go here. The kids

00:43:00.760 need to go there. Your wife has this appointment at this time. So the communication, and then from

00:43:05.680 there, this is the hardest part for somebody who doesn't know how to say no. Now you actually have

00:43:11.040 to uphold the boundary. You've, you've created it. You've communicated it. Now you have to uphold

00:43:18.900 it. And the way that you do that is Kip. If you asked me to do something on Wednesday night,

00:43:24.420 I would say Kip Wednesday night is jujitsu for me. It's just a stand-in meeting. It's always that

00:43:31.200 if you want to spend some time together, they'd love to have you at jujitsu with me.

00:43:35.680 Yeah. Oh yeah. But we got this thing and we're doing this. Hey, I appreciate it. I'm going to

00:43:41.240 miss this one. And I don't say I'm sorry. Cause I'm not, Hey, I'm sorry. I don't, I never,

00:43:48.220 you will never hear me say, unless I slip, you will never hear me say, I'm sorry. I can't make it.

00:43:53.240 That isn't in my vocabulary. Cause I'm not sorry. And I can make it. So now I'm a liar.

00:43:58.840 You're choosing to, I'm choosing. So I would tell you Kip, Hey, thank you for the offer.

00:44:05.140 But Wednesday night is for jujitsu. Come with us. Come with me. Train with me. No, I can't make it.

00:44:10.640 That's okay. We'll sync up another night. I don't apologize. And I don't say I can't make it. I say,

00:44:15.280 I made this choice and that's hard. What I would say for somebody who can't say no is work on saying no

00:44:24.140 in less and easier environments. So if you're at the, uh, at the mall, at a store in the mall,

00:44:33.720 and they say, would you like to round up for charity? Say no, no excuses. Don't him,

00:44:40.440 ha around it. Don't beat around the bush. Just no, no. Thank you. If you want to be polite. No,

00:44:45.440 thank you. Ask there. There's two practices. You ask for things that you're uncomfortable asking for.

00:44:52.060 And you say no in environments that you just don't like saying no, but they're low risk

00:44:56.640 environments. And you just get good at realizing that, Hey, people got to deal with learning for

00:45:01.500 me to say no. Um, my kids quite often in the morning will say, dad, can you do this thing with

00:45:07.720 me? No, I can do that with you tonight, but I can't do it with you. No, sorry. I can't. I can't say

00:45:15.860 can't. I, I am working right now, but I will do it with you tonight. And then what do I have to do?

00:45:22.800 You actually have to do with them. Yeah. But that's how I would, that's how I'd suggest getting

00:45:27.900 through it. Some good stuff. Rick Donovan, what do you plan to do to make the IC better in 2023?

00:45:35.060 What will the new and improved version look like? Not that it's bad, but if you are not moving

00:45:39.820 forward, we're falling behind. My question is what is Rick going to do to make the iron council a

00:45:44.820 better experience? What are you going to do? See, I've brought you guys all here. Now, what are you

00:45:49.360 going to do to make it a better experience? Um, I'm half joking, but also as a leader statement,

00:45:56.400 I would love for you to have some ideas and sharing it. And you do Rick, I'm not saying you don't.

00:46:01.440 Uh, one thing that I am very interested in and we're beginning is to make courses available.

00:46:09.720 So these will be one-off courses. They might be two to four to six week courses. Uh, we're working

00:46:16.160 on one right now with a former guest, Sathya Sam on overcoming pornography addiction. So he's put

00:46:22.820 together four to six videos with a worksheet and a curriculum behind it. And we're going to make that

00:46:28.320 available in the iron council. And it's going to be included in your iron council membership.

00:46:34.060 And for those of you who may not be interested in joining the entirety of the iron council,

00:46:39.960 you will be able to get access to that one specific course and, and, and just work on that alone. So

00:46:47.700 whether it's a leadership development course that Kip, you and I have been working on or breaking free

00:46:53.100 from pornography course that we're putting together, very, very excited about implementing these things.

00:46:58.320 And what I would like to do is create some sort of a master class type curriculum or instructions

00:47:04.940 for guys who are qualified to be able to put together their own course that they can make

00:47:10.680 available on the iron council for the rest of the guys. That's awesome. All right, Rob Thompson.

00:47:17.060 I have always been a creative man rather than a proactive man, a reactive creative cheese. I've always

00:47:24.540 been a reactive man rather than a proactive man. This is something that I hope to fine tune this year,

00:47:29.480 being in the iron council, looking back at 2022, were there any moments that you were reactive

00:47:34.640 to that you wish you were proactive to, and what were the lessons you've learned from it? On a different

00:47:40.360 note, thank you for all you do. Very grateful to be here.

00:47:43.540 Yeah. I mean, I'm beating the alcoholism conversation to death on this one, but it's

00:47:51.780 really important. And I've got hundreds, if not thousands of messages from guys. In fact,

00:47:56.420 I had a couple this morning that said, you know, I never would have expected that. I didn't imagine

00:48:01.540 that was the case, but I'm so glad. I have a lot of respect for you sharing that. Yeah, that was one

00:48:07.760 I wish I would have been a lot more proactive with. And there were times where I wanted to stop

00:48:13.360 and I wanted to get help and I wanted to turn it around and I would just chicken out or wimp out or

00:48:19.260 whatever it was, excuse myself out of it, tell myself it wasn't that bad. I'm a high functioning

00:48:24.300 alcoholic. I wish I would have been a lot more proactive with that. Instead I reacted and I'm glad

00:48:30.960 I did that at a minimum. The alternative is to do nothing. I could have just continued the course

00:48:36.600 of action. So I'm glad I at least reacted. But yeah, that's one I wish I would have been a lot

00:48:42.260 more proactive with. One of the lessons I learned, I mean, just the way I feel about myself, the guilt

00:48:50.100 that I have for letting guys who listen to the podcast down, the guilt and shame I have around

00:48:55.480 the way that I've treated my wife and kids. I could have avoided all of this if I would have just been

00:49:02.580 more proactive in dealing with it when I knew it was a problem. Yeah. When I look back the past year,

00:49:10.120 I'd say the, I, I have in my relationship with my wife, I'm very reactive to what is needed.

00:49:21.820 And I, I've, I put stuff off on her way too much. She has to harass me to get things done. I may not be

00:49:30.640 in the know. I'm not being proactive in regards to like, Hey, how's that going? What can I do?

00:49:35.920 Like, I'm not owning it. I'm not presiding in many areas when it comes back to our family and our

00:49:42.660 household. And the lesson there is that doesn't feel like I care. I'm not supportive. I'm like,

00:49:51.820 has to, I have to be nagged. I'm out of it. Probably from her perspective, I'm out of integrity,

00:49:57.860 unreliable, uh, when I'm that way. Um, and it doesn't feel supportive. I'm not, I'm not being

00:50:05.360 a partner in, in a lot of things because I've been, I, I've made this excuse that like, Oh,

00:50:10.920 I got my stuff and I'm stressed out with work. And I, you know, I can't take on anymore. And,

00:50:16.260 you know, and you, you handle that stuff. I'll handle this stuff, but it's not true. When I really

00:50:22.200 think about it, I could really latch on, lead, preside and proactively help in those areas

00:50:29.540 way better than I do. And, and I think in turn, it would, it would solidify us working together as

00:50:36.640 a partnership and, and me showing up more powerfully in our relationship and, and being a

00:50:41.100 reliable source. Right. And it's interesting because I feel I'm totally sharing. Maybe, I don't

00:50:47.080 know. I don't think it's bad to share this, but, um, you know, we, we've had a conversation

00:50:52.760 over the last couple of weeks where, where my wife brought something up about providing

00:50:57.820 right. Financially and about, and, and I took her complaint as a, you don't trust me. Like

00:51:07.680 I kill it in this space, right. Of my life. And I've given you zero reason not to trust me

00:51:15.240 to deliver. And, and my conclusion to that was like, because from an extreme ownership

00:51:22.220 perspective, I should own that. Right. It's like, Hey, well, how am I showing up? In what

00:51:26.840 ways have I perhaps maybe even, uh, created a reason for her not to trust in me. And maybe

00:51:35.720 it's not necessarily a one-to-one to like finance providing financially. But what it is though,

00:51:41.620 is all these other things that she has to nag me about. And that's unreliable. Inconsistency

00:51:47.400 is inconsistency. It doesn't matter. Right. This is, this was a breakthrough this year that

00:51:51.580 I got was I always, I've always heard that be consistent with your kids, right? They create

00:51:56.920 stability and it creates, um, uh, what's the word I'm looking for. It creates the known. They know

00:52:05.840 what's what to predictability. Yeah. If it's predictable and that feels safe for a child. And

00:52:11.740 this is, this isn't a Kip ism. This is a legit lack of consistency with your children will create

00:52:17.440 a sense of fear and instability for them. There's emotional drawback to some extent to lack of being

00:52:23.920 consistent, but it's consistent with everything. So when Ryan goes, Hey son, if you don't get off

00:52:31.200 the video game, you're going to be grounded from, from it for a week or whatever. And he doesn't

00:52:36.500 ground his son. He's inconsistent, but we, it's funny. We always think all consistent about the

00:52:41.820 good stuff. No, it's consistent period. And that lack of consistency in one spectrum of how I show up

00:52:48.100 affects other spectrums. So if I'm inconsistent with doing what I'd say around the house, it doesn't

00:52:53.380 matter. I'm, I'm now, my trust has been taken away and now that's carried over into financial,

00:53:01.800 uh, you know, finance, providing financially in other areas because it's who I, in me, my character

00:53:08.100 is, is that what is it is, is what's that question? Not these isolated buckets of consistency.

00:53:15.180 Yeah. So, yeah. Good point. Speaking of consistency, I told my wife I would be downstairs at noon so we

00:53:21.940 could have lunch together. So let's take one more question, a rapid fire question. So I can be

00:53:27.180 true to my word. I love it, man. Brandon, uh, Morsi with any business, there are challenges,

00:53:33.540 opportunities that can either take you closer or further from your goals as the order of man,

00:53:39.340 the IC has grown. Has it become what you originally envisioned or has, has that vision evolved into

00:53:45.640 a brotherhood we know today? If so, what has that, what has that vision changed?

00:53:51.940 Yeah. I did not expect this. I didn't actually have a vision. I, I just wanted to talk with people

00:53:58.140 that I enjoyed talking with. And if people wanted to listen and tune in, that was great.

00:54:02.860 Right. And that was great. And that was enough when I started. And then I realized, wow, this could be

00:54:07.460 very impactful for a lot of guys because they don't have anywhere else to turn to have these real

00:54:11.720 conversations. They're not going to do it with their neighbor, their colleagues, their coworkers,

00:54:15.180 their friends, not even their family members in some cases. So what a powerful place that we have.

00:54:19.700 Uh, and then we started implementing different solutions like their first iteration of the

00:54:24.680 iron council, which had 12 guys in it. Uh, the men that were in the iron council said,

00:54:29.840 what do we do next? What do we do next? I didn't know. So we opened it up and more of a broader,

00:54:34.780 more complete version of what the iron council looks like. And then it was, Hey, wouldn't it be cool

00:54:40.500 if we took this from the digital space and did this in person? That's where our events came in line.

00:54:45.620 So I'm kind of, even now flying by the seat of my pants, I can see things a little bit further

00:54:52.200 ahead, not all the way ahead, just a little bit further ahead. And Oh, we need to address that.

00:54:57.740 Let's tackle that. Okay. We got to tackle now the next thing, now the next thing, now the next thing.

00:55:01.780 So, yeah. Yeah. I didn't expect it to be this. Can I suggest something though? Cause I think guys

00:55:07.220 may hear what you say, Ryan, and think that, that the, that there's different versions of vision

00:55:15.040 and there is no doubt in my mind that you're very clear and have a vision in regards to what is the

00:55:23.920 order of man iron council in regards to its purpose and mission. And that is super clear to you,

00:55:31.300 right? Like I, I think that's solid now how we get there and the path to take is where you're very

00:55:40.620 flexible, right? And you're agile in that approach. Yeah. I would, I would, I would kind of, if I was

00:55:46.520 going to use an analogy, think about it like a football field. Well, there's the end zone.

00:55:51.440 So I need to get to the end zone and here's what the defense is good at. Here's what we as an

00:55:56.860 offense are good at. Let's try a dive up the middle up. That's not working. Cause they've

00:56:01.740 got the best, you know, nose tackle in the game. All right. Maybe we need to do a sweep to the right.

00:56:06.100 So we do that. Okay. That got us a few yards. Let's dump a pass in there. Let's see what a

00:56:09.960 little pass does. Oh, now let's throw a streak. And all of a sudden, you know, you're there.

00:56:14.880 So, but you're clear on the end zone. You're just not clear on the play and you may adjust based upon

00:56:19.980 how defense sets up a hundred percent. I will adjust calling audibles, you know, thinking about what the

00:56:25.520 market's going to dictate. Yeah, absolutely. Well, one thing that we've done is this was,

00:56:31.820 this was dictated by the market. And when I say the market, I'm talking about the micro market of

00:56:38.420 the iron council is there was a lot of guys for a while they're leaving because of financial issues.

00:56:45.520 And I hated that. There's a lot of legitimate reasons to leave the iron council. I do not want

00:56:51.120 financial constraints to be one of them because I know what the goal is. So we decided this was

00:56:57.420 years ago that we would start a financial assistance fund. And we have guys who are in

00:57:04.900 the iron council paying for other members in 30 day blocks at a time who would otherwise have left

00:57:11.060 the iron council because of financial constraints. The market dictated that we needed to figure out a

00:57:17.040 way to keep these guys involved, but I wasn't willing to give it away for free. There has to

00:57:21.840 be skin in the game. So I thought, well, somebody else could pay their debt. Let these guys serve each

00:57:27.480 other too. And that's what they're doing. Now I want to be very clear on this too, though.

00:57:31.800 If you're listening and you'd like to join the iron council, the financial assistance fund is not

00:57:36.980 available to you. I don't know if you're in it. I don't know if, I don't know if you're willing to

00:57:41.620 invest in yourself or to make some sacrifices in your personal life to be part of this group.

00:57:45.620 And if you can't, or you don't want to, that's okay. No hard feelings, no ill will. We're going

00:57:50.940 to still put out great content that's available to you. But if you want to do something above and

00:57:54.920 beyond, you got to put some skin in the game. And if down the road, after proving to us and the other

00:58:00.080 guys in the iron council that you're willing to be in it, not just financially, then we can talk

00:58:05.920 about the financial assistance fund. So don't send me a bunch of emails and say, Hey, I'd like to get in

00:58:09.500 it. Can I use the fund? No, that's not what it's for. Yeah. All right. Let's get you off to lunch.

00:58:14.660 Let's do it. Major call to action. Really quick guys. I see is going to be open for another three

00:58:19.600 days. By the time you hear this podcast, go to order of man.com slash iron council, join us,

00:58:25.120 get on the court, band with us, start taking control of your lives and help and serve other

00:58:31.360 men while doing so. Second, just connect with Mr. Mickler on the Insta and the Twitter at Ryan

00:58:38.480 Mickler and we're excited. New year. There's a value of a new year. It's an opportunity for us

00:58:47.060 to level set and go, you know what? Step up. A lot of times new year's Eve and resolutions and

00:58:54.960 new year's day and all this stuff gets a bad rap because it is just arbitrary. It really is just

00:58:58.960 arbitrary unless you give it some meaning, which is what we societally have decided to do. So it's no

00:59:05.820 longer arbitrary or it doesn't have to be. So what I would say as we wrap it up is I don't care where

00:59:12.740 you're at in life. I don't care if you're at the pinnacle of your human achievement or if you're at

00:59:18.080 the bottom of the totem pole and your life is falling apart, your finances are wrecked and your

00:59:23.700 health is a disaster and your wife is leaving. I don't care where you are. What I know is that,

00:59:29.520 I think this is releases on January 3rd. What I know with 100% certainty is that life can get better.

00:59:38.700 Life can get better for you. If you decide to put a stake in the ground right now and decide that

00:59:45.700 January 3rd is the day that I decided my life is going to get better and it does not matter what

00:59:53.840 has happened to you in the past. And guess what? You're still going to have to visit some of that

00:59:57.640 stuff because you don't just get to put it away or wash it away just because you're deciding to be

01:00:02.500 a new person. But life will get better if you decide that today is the day that you're putting

01:00:07.860 the stake in the ground and this is the bottom. Like when do you reach the bottom? When you stop

01:00:14.380 digging. So now it's time to climb if you decide that you want to climb and hopefully you'll do it with

01:00:22.540 us. Yeah. And we'll climb with you if you want to join us. All right, guys, orderofman.com slash

01:00:28.180 iron council. We'll be back on Friday. Until then, go out there, take action and become the man you

01:00:32.600 are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of

01:00:37.540 your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - January 04, 2023

Overcoming Alcoholism, Regaining Control of Emotions, and Manipulative Communication ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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