Order of Man - Overcoming Alcoholism, the Relationship Between Time Management and Stress, and Responsibility as a Tool for Growth

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:05.820 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.120 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.020 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.120 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:24.380 Kip, what's up, man? Great to see you this week.

00:00:26.540 Good to see you as well.

00:00:27.720 This is always a good start to our week. I feel like anyways, because we do these Monday morning, we record.

00:00:34.580 I love it because it gets me thinking. It gets me working through some of the questions that we get because we do get a lot of good questions from the guys.

00:00:44.240 It's just nice to be able to work through that and also see what other issues guys are dealing with because there are some common themes we continue to see.

00:00:52.680 And that helps me put together information and ideas and content throughout the week and coming weeks that will serve these guys.

00:00:59.120 So, I've been thinking about how timely it is that we do these on Monday morning.

00:01:03.540 Totally. I agree. It serves me so well.

00:01:06.420 And I know we sound like broken record saying this, but we're the beneficiaries of these conversations and these recordings.

00:01:16.800 Yeah, 100%.

00:01:17.580 Last night, I was working on some content for Iron Council, and it's fresh in my mind.

00:01:23.900 And by it being fresh and present on my mind, right, my kids' room's a mess.

00:01:29.300 And I go, wait a second, Kip, right?

00:01:33.460 Don't get all emotional, right?

00:01:35.480 And so, I'm like, all right, create a safe space.

00:01:38.100 Girls, my expectation is X.

00:01:41.280 Is that your understanding as well in regards to how your room should look?

00:01:44.960 Well, yeah, we agree.

00:01:46.340 Okay.

00:01:46.620 Where do you think the gap is?

00:01:48.600 And so, we start talking.

00:01:49.680 The only reason why I handled that correctly is because it was on my mind already earlier in the day about the proper ways of identifying what motivates people and their abilities and how to have an effective accountability conversation.

00:02:05.700 Otherwise, it would have been get your room, clean it up.

00:02:10.100 I'm so pissed off.

00:02:11.260 I've been moping around like I normally do, but it's just the power of present.

00:02:16.740 I don't know if it's presence.

00:02:17.860 I don't know what words you'd use, but it being on the forefront of our minds is just so much of a key, right?

00:02:25.320 Because I know how I should show up better in life.

00:02:29.260 I think we all do, but we don't, right?

00:02:33.440 And it's like, what's the gap between that?

00:02:35.560 Yeah, I definitely think it being in front of you is crucial because it's so easy for us to get lost in the weeds and our normal patterns.

00:02:44.740 One of the things that you talked about was how you respond to situations.

00:02:48.880 And I think that's an underlying issue that a lot of men deal with.

00:02:52.820 I say that because that's something I definitely deal with.

00:02:56.000 If I look at my life and even just small interactions with my wife or my kids or you or other people, I was going to say the root of the problem.

00:03:08.640 It's not the root of the problem, but the symptom that's the worst is emotional immaturity for me.

00:03:17.380 And I know it is for a lot of other guys because we've talked about it.

00:03:19.460 So if you think about what that might be, it might mean impatience.

00:03:24.880 It might be anger.

00:03:26.400 You can feel your blood boiling because your kids don't do something or your wife responds or doesn't respond in a way that you like.

00:03:34.100 And it triggers you somehow because of either subconscious or conscious thoughts and beliefs about what should be taking place.

00:03:42.840 And then it manifests itself through anger or that might be what a lot of guys experience.

00:03:50.660 Another one that it might manifest itself for some men is complete avoidance of it almost to the point where I'm going to get you back by not talking to you.

00:04:00.000 And that's an emotional response, overly emotional response.

00:04:03.400 Yeah.

00:04:04.320 I've noticed that for myself.

00:04:05.480 So when you talk about your kids that don't have clean rooms, I mean, we don't need to blow up over that, but yeah, we do.

00:04:13.140 And instead, if you have a rational and mature conversation with your kids who can also are capable of that, it actually gets done.

00:04:21.400 And the root of the problem gets addressed rather than them just being angry and contentious with you.

00:04:26.940 Totally.

00:04:27.380 I went to a wedding two months ago.

00:04:30.720 And one of the things that I like, the guy who married this couple that he said is, and I actually disagree with the way he said it, but I created my own interpretation of what he said.

00:04:43.120 But he said something to the extent of like, you guys love each other so much and you love everybody, but make sure to love yourselves.

00:04:49.540 Right.

00:04:50.260 And because when you love yourself, then you can love other people better.

00:04:53.180 And I took that as like, okay, I agree with that.

00:04:55.820 However, when we're emotionally mature, then we can help people, right?

00:05:04.160 Like Asia's trigger and being pissed off coming into the house.

00:05:08.780 Now I'm in a position to go, hey, babe, let me help you.

00:05:11.760 I could see past the clouds and rise up into a position to show up powerfully for her and not be reacted, reactionary based upon how she's acting.

00:05:23.080 But if I'm running around emotionally charged, I'm not helping anybody, right?

00:05:28.680 I'm just, I'm piling on firewood at that point.

00:05:32.480 And I'm not going to be able to serve anybody at work or anybody else.

00:05:35.960 Cause I'm getting triggered.

00:05:36.780 Like there's no tomorrow, you know?

00:05:38.940 So we, I had an interesting discussion with Granger Smith last week, but the recording of that podcast came out yesterday as to the release of this podcast.

00:05:47.120 So Tuesday, yesterday, and he actually talked about the concept of loving yourself and how that's appropriate.

00:05:53.080 Problem because too many people love themselves too much.

00:05:59.000 And that's actually the problem.

00:06:01.060 Even when you're angry, that's, that's actually a sign of self-love because your emotions are more important than the other person that you might say you're trying to serve.

00:06:12.080 So if you truly think about what we truly love, if it's a, if it's a new car, for example, or, or a new piece of technology, maybe you've got a new computer.

00:06:22.060 What do you do?

00:06:23.020 You maintain it, you keep it clean, you give it attention.

00:06:26.320 If it's the car, you put the best fuel in it.

00:06:28.240 You get the tires rotated often and the oil change and, and, and all the fluids topped off.

00:06:34.080 And like you, you give it attention in a way that's healthy, right?

00:06:39.640 That, that actually is going to create longevity or continue to make that thing look good.

00:06:43.340 And then we look at our relationships and the people that we say we love and we don't do that.

00:06:49.180 We get frustrated.

00:06:50.400 We get annoyed.

00:06:51.200 We get put out.

00:06:52.060 We, we, and, and it's not because we care about them so much.

00:06:55.460 It's because we care about ourselves so much that we can't give people what they need, which might just be attention or patience or a little empathy.

00:07:06.420 Well, and, and it's because our, I would even say our, our relationship with ourselves for most people, I think is unhealthy anyway.

00:07:14.100 They're like, oh, this is me loving yourself.

00:07:15.940 You're like, no, you're so inward and you're so wrapped up in being right and being wrong that you're constantly blaming other people.

00:07:24.140 You're a victim.

00:07:25.220 You're passing the buck onto someone else.

00:07:27.620 And you're all doing that in the, in the spirit of quote unquote, loving yourself, right?

00:07:33.080 Like most people don't even know themselves, let alone love themselves.

00:07:37.660 If we're using that, that, that, that, that word of love, let's take love and even lust.

00:07:43.520 So you might love a woman and then you, then alternatively, you might lust after a woman and it's natural.

00:07:51.600 Those are physical needs that we have, but it's done in an unhealthy way.

00:07:56.040 Lust would be unhealthy, but love is, is not.

00:07:59.360 And if we use that verbiage for ourselves, a lot of times it's just lust for ourselves.

00:08:05.360 Lusting after ourselves, right?

00:08:06.660 We want the quick fix.

00:08:08.000 We want to feel good.

00:08:08.980 And so what do we do?

00:08:09.760 Well, we drink the, the, the, the colas and, uh, we have a bunch of snacks and eat like

00:08:15.500 crap and we don't go work out and we sleep longer than we should.

00:08:19.060 And I stroke my own ego and I'm always right.

00:08:23.760 And I'm unwilling to admit that I'm wrong.

00:08:25.820 Right.

00:08:26.600 Yeah.

00:08:26.880 Yeah.

00:08:27.160 So we almost turn it from a healthy perspective, which could be love to something that's unhealthy,

00:08:34.240 which could be, you know, lust, which is that short-term immediate gratification, getting

00:08:39.640 some needs met in a very unhealthy, unconstructive way.

00:08:42.820 Yeah.

00:08:42.940 Just dopamine hit after dopamine hit all day long.

00:08:46.040 Sure.

00:08:46.840 All right, man.

00:08:47.460 Well, let's get into some questions.

00:08:48.460 I think that was a good open.

00:08:49.180 I don't think we need questions.

00:08:50.580 I don't, we don't need questions.

00:08:52.260 No, we can just roll with this without you guys.

00:08:54.500 That's right.

00:08:54.920 I need your questions.

00:08:57.740 All right.

00:08:58.320 These ones come from our Facebook group, right?

00:09:00.500 Yes, sir.

00:09:01.020 Facebook.com slash group slash order of man.

00:09:04.920 All right, let's get into it.

00:09:06.240 First long question here.

00:09:09.340 Ergos, how present does a dad or father need to be, to be impactful?

00:09:14.780 I think my, I think I find myself stuck between wanting to pursue and excel at my passions of

00:09:20.520 hunting and Brazilian jujitsu and feel like I need to be home and not out.

00:09:24.920 Of the home doing what I love.

00:09:28.060 And let's just stop there actually, because everything else is kind of story.

00:09:32.520 Sure.

00:09:33.340 Well, that's a fine line, isn't it?

00:09:35.200 It's a fine line between making sure that you do take care of yourself.

00:09:38.880 And I would suggest that taking care of yourself in moderation is actually a good thing for your

00:09:46.240 children to see, to model that you are important, that your priorities, or I should say the things

00:09:53.240 you're interested in are a priority.

00:09:56.400 And I can't tell you if there's a hard and fast rule of, well, if you spend, you know, 40 hours at work and then

00:10:05.700 20 hours with the family and then another 20 doing, I don't know what the formula is.

00:10:10.040 Yeah.

00:10:10.700 All I would say is just be aware and look for signs.

00:10:15.820 And we talk a lot about this when we talk about balance.

00:10:18.740 Some people believe, in fact, I believe a lot of people think this, that balance is some

00:10:24.120 and her subjective state.

00:10:27.300 Yeah.

00:10:27.740 It's a percent and it's fixed.

00:10:29.420 A percent of the pie.

00:10:30.540 Yeah.

00:10:31.240 And it's fixed.

00:10:32.380 Yeah.

00:10:32.700 It's like, I put 10% here, 15% there, 30% there, 40% there.

00:10:37.120 I don't know if that equals a hundred, but you guys get it.

00:10:39.860 Uh, no, it doesn't.

00:10:41.280 Yeah.

00:10:41.520 I don't know.

00:10:42.060 I don't even remember the numbers I used.

00:10:43.480 That was like 30%, bro.

00:10:45.580 No, I said, follow one of them.

00:10:47.120 I said 40%.

00:10:47.900 So I know it was more than 30.

00:10:50.680 Okay.

00:10:51.020 So we spend, so that's what people think about balance.

00:10:53.760 And when things aren't right, they're like, oh, my balance is off.

00:10:56.560 I need to change the percentages around.

00:10:58.260 And then that becomes the fixed number.

00:11:00.400 It's a lot more dynamic than that.

00:11:02.240 And it's done on a micro level.

00:11:04.020 So the analogy that we've used is being on a surfboard.

00:11:09.280 Balance is a verb.

00:11:10.540 It's an active state.

00:11:11.920 You're, you're doing something.

00:11:13.920 And if you're on a wave, you're leaning forward and back, uh, left and right, coming up, leaning

00:11:19.980 back, and you're doing all these different things based on external circumstances that

00:11:23.920 you're responding to.

00:11:24.900 And it's the same with life.

00:11:26.220 And there's going to be seasons in your life where you might really need to pour into

00:11:29.540 your family.

00:11:30.060 And there may be other seasons where you really need to pour into your work because you have

00:11:35.260 a book deadline or a big project or task that's coming up, or you're onboarding a new team

00:11:39.740 or your company was acquired or you acquired another organization.

00:11:43.700 So it requires a little bit more effort.

00:11:45.860 So the best thing you can do in those circumstances is to manage expectations by the people who will

00:11:51.580 be impacted by what's going on.

00:11:53.580 So if you have to put a lot more effort, for example, into work, or since you talked about

00:11:58.480 jujitsu, maybe you've got a competition coming up in a month or two months.

00:12:03.420 And so you want to get some more mat time.

00:12:05.120 You need to communicate that with your kids so they know what in the world is going on.

00:12:10.400 Same with your spouse.

00:12:11.680 And also there needs to be an end date to that.

00:12:15.620 So if it's, Hey guys, I'm training hard for the next two months because I have this meet.

00:12:19.980 And so I'm going to do one extra night a week.

00:12:21.840 So instead of being home, you know, three or four nights, I'm home only two or three

00:12:26.020 nights.

00:12:26.980 And this is going to be until the end of January, because that's when the meet is.

00:12:31.980 And at the end of the January, I'm going back to my routine that I was before.

00:12:35.820 And then you have to do that.

00:12:38.260 Yeah.

00:12:38.680 And they understand, they get it.

00:12:40.100 And then you come back and you manage the expectation again.

00:12:42.500 You say, Hey, listen, my meet's over.

00:12:44.800 I did it.

00:12:45.460 I did what I wanted to do, or I didn't accept or whatever.

00:12:47.380 Here was the results you guys saw, you watched.

00:12:49.320 And now I'm back.

00:12:51.040 So they can see what that looks like in a very healthy way.

00:12:55.120 Yeah.

00:12:55.700 As far as your, your actual question about being present with your kids.

00:13:01.380 Again, I don't, I don't know the number, but what I would say to you is the time that

00:13:06.880 you are there, be fully there.

00:13:09.340 That is something that I'm trying to work on is I'm, I work at home, which can make

00:13:14.400 this challenging.

00:13:15.060 And I, I'm really trying to be truthful with my kids.

00:13:19.900 So for example, my youngest, he's six years old.

00:13:23.140 He said, dad, can you play Legos with me this morning?

00:13:26.780 And I said, no, I can't play with you this morning because I have some work to do, but

00:13:30.740 let's try to find some time this afternoon.

00:13:32.360 And I will 100% find time this afternoon.

00:13:37.360 I haven't always done that.

00:13:38.700 I'm not always great at that, but I said I would, so I have to do it.

00:13:43.540 And we're going to find some time, even if it's just a half an hour.

00:13:46.380 And that half hour is his.

00:13:48.420 It's not yours, Kip.

00:13:50.620 It's not Instagram.

00:13:52.380 It's not my phone.

00:13:53.760 It's not my other kids.

00:13:55.280 It's not my wife.

00:13:56.300 It's not lunchtime.

00:13:57.720 That time I'm going to spend with his is with him is 100% his, because I told him I would

00:14:03.320 give that to him.

00:14:04.260 So I don't know so much about the time as much as it is the energy in which you show up

00:14:10.920 fully 100% present.

00:14:13.080 And I think there's some, you do a great job at this, Ryan, if looking for those opportunities

00:14:17.940 to integrate, you know, I think it was not last year, but the year before I did that bike

00:14:23.540 race with Asia, that loaded shot, you know, 200 mile bike race.

00:14:27.320 We got away from our kids a lot to train for that race, but guess who was with us during

00:14:33.060 the race day?

00:14:34.400 The kids were there in the support car with me while she was riding.

00:14:39.380 So we could cheer her on in when she was riding.

00:14:42.620 They saw me riding like now the value of us taking away from quote unquote family time

00:14:49.100 was even more valuable, I think, because they're like, oh, look at this.

00:14:53.660 Like they're doing this hard thing.

00:14:55.420 Like I want to do that.

00:14:57.200 They're at it's still family time coming in.

00:14:59.660 Yeah.

00:14:59.860 So look for those opportunities.

00:15:01.580 So that way, your thing that you're doing, your personal interest impacts them in a positive

00:15:06.460 way at the same time.

00:15:08.960 And then, and, and this is only one more thing about that before you move to your next

00:15:13.060 point.

00:15:13.580 Yeah.

00:15:13.940 I actually had something similar, like similar to that on Friday.

00:15:17.560 I went into the gym Friday morning and I'm, and I'm working out in the morning, four days

00:15:22.980 a week.

00:15:23.240 So I went in on Friday morning and I wasn't feeling it very well.

00:15:26.980 And I was short on time.

00:15:28.120 So I only got halfway through my, my workout, Johnny Loretty programs for me.

00:15:32.500 And I only got through half of the program because I had to get going and get to work

00:15:36.520 and do other stuff.

00:15:37.940 And then I was thinking about, I'm like, man, I really need to go back and finish my workout.

00:15:42.640 I said, I would do it.

00:15:43.280 I need to finish my workout.

00:15:44.480 But my wife, she ended up going with my daughter.

00:15:49.140 Oh, they had a, like a Chris, a women's Christmas event or something they went to.

00:15:53.640 And so my two oldest boys were at lifting and I was with my youngest son, my six-year-old.

00:15:58.320 And I'm like, man, I need to go back.

00:15:59.760 I'm like, but I got my six-year-old.

00:16:00.840 What do I do?

00:16:01.260 I'm like, just bring them with you.

00:16:03.700 Why, why can't he just come with you?

00:16:05.780 So he came with me.

00:16:07.360 I started the workout.

00:16:08.660 He saw a few little exercises.

00:16:10.080 He's like, dad, what's that?

00:16:10.900 And I would show him.

00:16:11.440 He's like, what's that?

00:16:12.040 And I would show him.

00:16:12.800 And he was working like the barbell curls.

00:16:14.780 Cause he wanted to see if he could do it.

00:16:16.480 And then my older two boys, his coach asked him, they said, Hey, do you, do you want to

00:16:20.840 deadlift?

00:16:22.000 And he was a little nervous, but finally we talked him into going to deadlift.

00:16:25.380 And so their coach took some time and spent some time with my six-year-old and did some,

00:16:30.160 some deadlift stuff.

00:16:32.380 It was awesome.

00:16:33.520 You know, it took, it took my workout took longer, of course, than it would have normally.

00:16:37.540 But then after we were done, we got some hurdles and put them out on the AstroTurf and let them

00:16:42.260 jump.

00:16:42.640 And we worked the agility drill.

00:16:44.520 We were just having a good time, but we were working out.

00:16:46.760 So we had the time spent together.

00:16:48.260 I got my, I finished my workout, which was important to me.

00:16:51.180 So I, I bridged that integrity gap.

00:16:53.860 All of my boys got to see that dad was there doing the workout while they were doing the

00:16:57.760 workout.

00:16:58.540 It was so positive in any different angle that you could possibly think about.

00:17:02.900 Yeah.

00:17:03.200 It was perfect.

00:17:04.220 It was perfect.

00:17:05.520 Yeah.

00:17:05.660 You were going to say another, another example or something.

00:17:08.080 Oh, the, the other thing I was going to say, and I, and I stole this from, I think, I'm

00:17:13.820 not sure who posted this on social media.

00:17:15.760 Someone posted this on social media.

00:17:17.120 Maybe it was like Jim quick or I was someone.

00:17:20.320 And it was, it was about being present.

00:17:22.740 Like may dads make sure that you're being present.

00:17:24.980 And it was this video of this dad recording his little son at a school assembly for like

00:17:31.340 some, and the whole time, the little boy, you could see it on his eyes.

00:17:35.400 He's looking around where's, where's my parents?

00:17:38.000 Where's my parents?

00:17:38.780 Are they, do they see me?

00:17:40.100 Do they see me?

00:17:41.040 And I, and I couldn't help, but watch that and go, that's the meeting where I say, that's

00:17:46.260 a waste of my, my effing time.

00:17:48.260 I got work to do.

00:17:49.880 It's not important for me to be at the stupid school assembly thing.

00:17:53.380 Yep.

00:17:54.340 Yep.

00:17:55.080 But it's important to them.

00:17:56.540 And, and so it's like, man, I need to remember it's not about efficiency, getting the job done.

00:18:03.180 Sometimes it's about what your son or my son thinks is important.

00:18:09.080 Right.

00:18:09.700 And me being present at how they interpret that.

00:18:12.400 Yeah.

00:18:12.900 And, and making sure I'm, I'm connected to that.

00:18:15.600 Cool.

00:18:16.440 What's next?

00:18:17.540 All right.

00:18:18.640 Camden allow I'm 20 years old with a wife and a nine month old baby.

00:18:23.540 I work a very demanding job in architecture cells that it can range from working 40 hours

00:18:28.840 to a hundred hours a week.

00:18:30.020 The money's good and I love what I do.

00:18:32.300 My boss also happens to be my dad.

00:18:35.200 My true passion, however, is in politics and I want to run for office someday.

00:18:40.520 I'm doing my best to be involved in the community while still being present with my family and

00:18:45.160 keeping up with my job.

00:18:46.600 How do I balance all of the stress and how do I eventually leave my dad?

00:18:52.180 Yeah, well, again, I think we actually hit on the two answers in the previous question

00:18:58.060 with balance.

00:18:59.340 So there's going to be times like running for office times that are going to be busier than

00:19:03.360 others.

00:19:03.840 But we live in a really cool time where you can pursue endeavors very, very simply, not,

00:19:14.640 not necessarily easy, but very simply using social media.

00:19:17.720 You can pursue some of that political, uh, those political aspirations.

00:19:21.920 You can talk about politics.

00:19:23.260 You can share your politics.

00:19:24.460 You can do all of that momentum around that.

00:19:27.020 And building your, your, your, uh, your constituency right now, right?

00:19:32.460 Build that right now.

00:19:33.640 If you can build that now, then when you start to make that transition into politics, it's

00:19:37.400 going to be that much easier and it's not going to detract from your current work or,

00:19:41.860 or from your family.

00:19:42.700 You can do that now on lunch breaks, breaks before, after work, that sort of thing.

00:19:47.760 So you should do that.

00:19:49.180 Uh, I also, so those, those are the balance that we talked about, but then there's communication

00:19:54.140 too.

00:19:54.740 So we talked about that in the previous question.

00:19:57.020 You need to communicate with your wife, make sure she knows what your aspirations are.

00:20:01.480 You probably also ought to communicate with your dad.

00:20:04.440 If you haven't as well, let ahead of time, not ahead of time.

00:20:08.060 I'm ready to leave.

00:20:09.180 He should know that this is an interest of yours and that you're going in that direction.

00:20:14.320 Maybe.

00:20:15.160 Right.

00:20:15.780 And I think, I think that would be important.

00:20:18.480 And also there might be some expectations or boundaries that you need to set around your

00:20:22.700 schedule, which is, Hey, listen, dad, I'm, I've got these other aspects.

00:20:27.020 I've got a, I've got a nine month old.

00:20:29.240 I'm, I'm newly married, which I imagine is the case.

00:20:31.980 Fairly newly married at 20 years old.

00:20:34.720 So I, I can do 40 hours.

00:20:36.980 I can even do 60 hours.

00:20:38.380 Occasionally.

00:20:38.860 I just, I'm not going to be able to do a hundred hours.

00:20:40.920 And, and you might need to actually tell him that or, or not.

00:20:46.560 I don't know your situation.

00:20:47.820 All I'm saying is that there might be some boundaries that you need to create and put

00:20:51.500 in place.

00:20:52.380 Maybe you guys need the money.

00:20:53.580 I don't know if your wife is a stay at home mom, or if she's in the workforce, I don't

00:20:56.980 know what the financial situation is, but there's certainly got to be some boundaries in place

00:21:01.240 between the work and the family stuff.

00:21:04.560 And you need to have boundaries in both, by the way.

00:21:06.220 You also have to have boundaries for your family.

00:21:08.880 Yeah.

00:21:09.340 That's a big fluctuation.

00:21:11.060 40 to a hundred.

00:21:12.500 Absolutely.

00:21:13.140 That's, that's stressful on like the, I, for me, that would be stressful on my family

00:21:18.740 to go, Oh, 41.

00:21:20.540 Oh yeah.

00:21:20.760 Oh, a hollow sudden a hundred.

00:21:22.540 That's tough.

00:21:23.680 Yeah.

00:21:24.000 So think about that.

00:21:25.260 Think about the communication.

00:21:26.460 Think about the expectations.

00:21:27.980 And once you start doing that and talking about that and being open with that, and then

00:21:31.740 living that out, you're going to find, you're going to find where you need to

00:21:35.540 be.

00:21:35.700 You're going to find that groove.

00:21:37.380 Okay.

00:21:38.400 Rick, uh, Blalock, it may have been covered before, but any resources that I can help

00:21:44.960 me grow in self-confidence, growing in self-confidence recommendations and resources, just go to order

00:21:51.740 of man.com slash battle ready.

00:21:54.540 And, and that's a great resource.

00:21:56.540 It's 30 days.

00:21:57.700 It's a free program that we've put together and made available.

00:22:00.280 It's 17 emails.

00:22:02.600 And over the course of 17 emails, over 30 days, great timing, by the way, end of the

00:22:07.120 year, you're going to go through and you're going to start to identify a vision for yourself.

00:22:12.020 That's very important.

00:22:13.160 A heading.

00:22:13.620 You need to know where you're going.

00:22:15.020 Then you're going to come up with objectives in your life, things that you want to accomplish

00:22:19.460 in your life over a 90 day period.

00:22:22.120 So you're going to identify what's important, why it's important.

00:22:25.580 Is this feasible?

00:22:27.040 Those, those, uh, what's that?

00:22:29.140 What's the acronym, um, for goals for goal setting.

00:22:33.220 Is it time?

00:22:33.760 What is the acronym?

00:22:35.340 Why can't I think specific measure?

00:22:37.320 Oh, smart, smart goals, smart goals.

00:22:39.560 That's right.

00:22:40.300 Specific measurable.

00:22:41.900 Uh, we don't go do goals here guys.

00:22:44.200 So we don't know what these, yeah, it's, I've just haven't used smart for a while.

00:22:47.680 Smart, attainable, achievable, uh, realistic and time sensitive, something like that.

00:22:53.500 I don't know, but we're going to help you go through the way that you could create objectives

00:22:57.600 that are measurable and things you can accomplish.

00:23:00.200 And then we're going to help you identify tactics and tactics are things you can do on

00:23:03.860 a daily basis that will help you achieve those objectives.

00:23:07.380 And there's some other things in there and I won't get into it, but what I will say,

00:23:10.780 because you're talking about was comp was confidence what he used.

00:23:14.680 Yes.

00:23:15.120 Confidence.

00:23:15.520 Confidence that we, as men are most confident when we know where we're going and we're actively

00:23:22.620 working to get there.

00:23:24.800 Those are the two variables that need to be in place.

00:23:28.520 You need to know where you're going and actively be working to get there.

00:23:33.680 Let's look at a man's life who doesn't have those two things.

00:23:36.520 Let's take the first one.

00:23:37.500 He doesn't know where he's going.

00:23:38.660 Well, now you're aimless, you're directionless, you're without a rudder, as they would say,

00:23:43.420 and you're tossed to and fro by the doctrine of popular culture.

00:23:47.400 So that might be society's telling you what to be outraged and upset about society saying,

00:23:52.800 do this, do that.

00:23:53.760 Don't do this.

00:23:54.380 Don't do that.

00:23:55.000 Maybe your boss is pulling on you or your wife is pulling one direction and your employer

00:23:58.860 is pulling another direction and you are rudderless and you're being pulled in so many

00:24:03.640 different directions.

00:24:04.440 How is that going to help your self-confidence?

00:24:06.620 It's not.

00:24:07.740 So that's variable number one.

00:24:09.160 Variable number two is you actively need to be working to get there because I'll tell

00:24:12.920 you, it's very, very frustrating when you have a direction, a heading, a goal that you

00:24:19.960 want and you know you're not doing what it takes to get there.

00:24:23.460 That is the antithesis of self-confidence.

00:24:26.760 But if you're actively, and I didn't notice I didn't say you're there.

00:24:29.700 That's not actually what builds the confidence.

00:24:31.500 What builds the confidence is you're on the path.

00:24:35.400 You're doing the work necessary to get there.

00:24:39.260 And so the battle ready program is going to teach you those two variables.

00:24:42.800 What heading, where am I going?

00:24:45.580 And then what exactly do I need to do on a daily basis to achieve what it is I'm after?

00:24:52.940 That's how you build self-confidence.

00:24:54.660 There's no other way to do it.

00:24:56.780 Yeah.

00:24:56.980 I like that.

00:24:58.140 All right.

00:24:58.820 Like Brent Jessup, stress management and time management.

00:25:02.560 What have you learned and noticed with how they correlate in your life specifically with

00:25:07.380 business?

00:25:08.200 I just started a new role at work as a project manager, and I'm looking for how to better

00:25:13.460 handle stress, the stress side of it.

00:25:17.180 Yeah.

00:25:17.320 I know that when I'm the most stressed, it's always a result of improper scheduling, planning.

00:25:25.360 It's always revolved around time.

00:25:27.360 So if I stack my day to the brim, a meeting, meeting, meeting, meeting, and I have like

00:25:32.520 five or six meetings in that day, I know that's going to be a stressful day for me.

00:25:36.420 Yeah.

00:25:37.140 And sometimes those happen, but if you can plan ahead of time and get everything ready and

00:25:41.020 then in place before, like for example, if I have a busy day with work, but I still want

00:25:47.780 to get my training in, whether it's jujitsu or lifting, then a simple way to help with

00:25:54.440 that is the night before, lay out my gym clothes, just lay them out and get them ready.

00:26:00.420 So when I wake up, all I have to do is put them on and go clean myself up a little bit

00:26:04.120 and go to the gym.

00:26:05.560 I just saved probably by doing it the night before, probably I would say 10 to 15 minutes

00:26:11.940 roughly.

00:26:13.280 Yeah.

00:26:13.680 Just like that, because I had a little bit of foresight and I did some planning the day

00:26:16.900 before.

00:26:17.920 Same thing with notes.

00:26:18.900 If I've got a podcast that I need to do, I'm going to make some notes and think about

00:26:22.940 what I do, but it's not the day of, it's not the minute before I'm going to do the podcast.

00:26:27.120 It's well before it's two, one or two days before I actually have the conversation.

00:26:32.360 So I'm not stressed out that way.

00:26:34.640 The other thing that I do, and this is a great strategy for time management is always give

00:26:40.080 yourself a buffer margin before and after meetings.

00:26:43.240 So if I have a meeting, for example, this one, this is a meeting we're doing this podcast.

00:26:47.780 This is a meeting.

00:26:48.380 It goes from 11 to 12, roughly.

00:26:50.680 Sometimes we get started a little late.

00:26:53.660 Sometimes it goes over because the questions are really good.

00:26:56.500 And we're going to go to like 12, 15.

00:26:58.360 I'm not overly stressed.

00:26:59.640 If it goes to 12, 15, I can be fully present.

00:27:02.700 If it goes to 12, 15, it's fine because my next meeting isn't scheduled for at least 12,

00:27:07.200 30.

00:27:08.080 So I put it.

00:27:09.060 And I've done the same thing.

00:27:10.160 Like I block 30 minutes extra for this just in case.

00:27:13.860 Yeah.

00:27:14.320 And then if we do end at noon, well, I have 30 minutes.

00:27:18.060 So what do I do in that 30 minutes?

00:27:19.600 Well, I got to hammer out some emails because I'm not going to have any other time during the

00:27:22.860 day.

00:27:23.580 Or maybe I need to wrap a Christmas gift because Christmas is coming up and I've got like five

00:27:28.560 or six gifts right there in my closet.

00:27:30.500 Well, okay.

00:27:31.180 I can take, you know, 10 minutes and wrap a couple of those real quick.

00:27:34.300 So I use that buffer time for either the overflow of a previous meeting, or I use it for other

00:27:41.820 tasks that I can get done.

00:27:43.720 Cranking out emails, wrapping a gift, a Christmas gift, you know, doing 40 or 50 air squats.

00:27:49.600 That's something I do.

00:27:50.520 I've got some weights over here that occasionally I'll use or the little TRX bands that's hooked

00:27:54.800 into my closet door.

00:27:55.820 And I can just do some like pull-ups or bicep curls with them or some push-ups.

00:27:59.260 So I'm using that time effectively.

00:28:02.180 And I've noticed that when I create the buffers and the margins, I don't get stressed out because

00:28:06.740 every meeting is planned and I'm ready for it when it comes up.

00:28:10.460 That's been the biggest help for me.

00:28:12.920 Totally.

00:28:13.580 I'm going to project a little bit, right?

00:28:15.640 Some of my biggest stress is also when I overcommit and I don't get done what I plan to get done.

00:28:22.420 And some of that's time management.

00:28:23.780 But the other part of this is me just overcommitting, right?

00:28:27.000 Me saying no to things or maybe even me dinking around, right?

00:28:31.660 Like I had a solid day and I got distracted.

00:28:34.480 I didn't get those things done.

00:28:36.240 Oh, I can do it tomorrow.

00:28:37.260 But how do I feel about myself?

00:28:38.920 Well, that causes stress for myself, to be honest.

00:28:42.340 Some of the best days when I come home and my stress levels are the lowest, it's because

00:28:47.420 I killed it at work.

00:28:49.420 Of course.

00:28:50.300 Of course.

00:28:50.580 That's why I got tons of stuff done.

00:28:52.820 And there's such a snowball effect.

00:28:55.140 I'm sure this is the case with you, right?

00:28:56.620 Like if my workout's in the morning, so let me give you a bad day.

00:29:00.060 A bad day is this.

00:29:02.040 Alarm goes off at five and I hit snooze.

00:29:05.500 I don't go.

00:29:06.560 I get up at six.

00:29:07.640 I go to the gym.

00:29:08.880 I cut my workout early because I didn't go to the gym early enough to be able to get

00:29:14.340 home.

00:29:14.680 So I don't do the last couple of exercises.

00:29:16.760 I rush home.

00:29:18.060 I'm getting dressed.

00:29:19.100 I hop on a call while I'm getting ready because I was at the gym too long and I didn't wake

00:29:24.920 up early enough.

00:29:25.700 I'm in the vehicle on the phone call carrying shit.

00:29:29.840 And then I get in the office and then I throw my stuff down.

00:29:32.220 I run to the next.

00:29:33.980 And the rest of the day is a shit show.

00:29:36.920 And then I come home and I'm pissed.

00:29:38.800 Yep.

00:29:39.040 Ah, you didn't get nothing done.

00:29:41.420 Then you take it out on your family.

00:29:43.500 Why?

00:29:44.340 Because I didn't get my ass out of bed when I planned to.

00:29:48.040 Yeah.

00:29:48.360 And I didn't honor myself and the commitments that I had planned.

00:29:53.820 So I don't feel good about myself.

00:29:56.280 I don't feel good about myself.

00:29:57.440 To go back to self-confidence.

00:29:59.060 No, I feel like a shit.

00:30:00.440 I feel worthless.

00:30:02.000 Yep.

00:30:02.260 So I didn't get stuff done.

00:30:04.660 And now I come home and like want everything at home to be perfect, to help bridge the gap

00:30:11.220 of how I'm feeling.

00:30:13.560 To actually, you're putting your lack of planning on Asia or your kids.

00:30:20.820 Yeah.

00:30:21.000 I'm like, kids, our house should be perfect.

00:30:23.220 Everything should be perfect to deal with my bad day.

00:30:26.900 Yeah.

00:30:28.560 Man, we all do that.

00:30:29.760 I actually had this, a similar issue take place this morning.

00:30:32.800 I went to the, I woke up on time.

00:30:34.520 My alarm was set for 630.

00:30:36.720 I woke up at 629.

00:30:38.700 I got, I'm like, man, don't you hate when you do that?

00:30:41.560 You wake up like right before your alarm goes off.

00:30:44.020 Like I could have an extra minute, literally one minute.

00:30:46.340 Like it really matters.

00:30:47.880 Like, you know, like today you're like, oh, I feel better today.

00:30:50.620 Cause I slept those five extra minutes.

00:30:52.340 Yeah.

00:30:53.540 So I woke up right before my alarm went off.

00:30:56.060 I got changed.

00:30:56.900 I, I sat on the couch with my, a couple of my kids who were up and just watched whatever

00:31:01.000 cartoon they happened to be watching.

00:31:02.620 And then I went to the gym and it all fell apart from there.

00:31:06.320 I wasn't feeling it.

00:31:07.860 I was going slow on my programming.

00:31:10.540 It'll say, you know, do these reps for example, and then take a 30 second break, do the separate

00:31:14.680 superset 60 second break.

00:31:16.140 My breaks were not 30 and 60 seconds.

00:31:19.200 They were like two minutes, five minutes.

00:31:21.000 Cause I, what was I doing?

00:31:22.400 I got my phone out and I posted something that I had scheduled the night before last night.

00:31:29.540 And then I got looking and reading stuff.

00:31:31.980 And I look at the clock.

00:31:33.640 The workout was supposed to take 57 minutes cause it times it.

00:31:36.700 And I think it took me 57 minutes last time for the same workout.

00:31:39.620 It took me an hour and 23 minutes today.

00:31:44.060 Yeah.

00:31:44.820 And that's 30 minutes essentially that I could have used to, well, here's what we did.

00:31:50.600 Me and my second son did some store orders.

00:31:53.500 There was 28 orders that we needed to fill this morning.

00:31:56.280 Guess how many we got done?

00:31:57.780 12.

00:31:58.720 Because I wasn't home 30 minutes earlier and him and mom and the other siblings went to

00:32:03.280 town to get some Christmas stuff.

00:32:06.320 Okay.

00:32:06.880 Now I'm already behind.

00:32:08.240 And when it, when he comes back, maybe I want to do more orders.

00:32:11.160 These other people, they're not getting their orders done because, because of my, my scheduling.

00:32:16.900 And that stresses me out.

00:32:18.540 And it just compounds, like you're saying all day, every day, it just compounds over and

00:32:23.380 over again.

00:32:24.280 Yeah.

00:32:25.480 Manage schedule.

00:32:26.660 Rob Christensen.

00:32:27.840 When you plan to make a big move to improve your immediate family, but it ends up distancing

00:32:33.800 to your extended family.

00:32:36.480 So, so he's making a big move to improve his immediate family, but then it's, it's affecting

00:32:43.000 his extended family.

00:32:44.060 He doesn't provide definition of that.

00:32:45.540 That part of my family is very important to my wife.

00:32:48.260 And the only real reason to not go now, how do I know I am pursuing the right move for

00:32:54.520 us when it may even in the short term hurt her by being distant from her family?

00:32:59.820 So I, okay.

00:33:01.940 So his big move is to improve his family.

00:33:04.300 Of course, then moving is going to affect her family.

00:33:08.700 And then how does he.

00:33:13.560 Okay.

00:33:14.140 How does he know that he's pursuing the right move when this could distant his wife from

00:33:19.920 her family?

00:33:20.960 Okay.

00:33:21.780 So when he says move, he's talking about physically moving.

00:33:25.760 Yes.

00:33:26.340 Yeah.

00:33:26.560 I wasn't.

00:33:27.400 Yeah.

00:33:27.780 That threw me.

00:33:28.720 Cause I was like, so a big move to improve his immediate family.

00:33:32.760 And that's going to distance his wife from hers.

00:33:35.220 Okay.

00:33:35.660 So the first thing you need to do is get on the same page with your wife, as far as why

00:33:40.540 you're making this big move.

00:33:42.300 And if she's on board with it, awesome.

00:33:45.460 Now you're ready to go.

00:33:46.560 If she's not on board with it, it may not be the right time, frankly, because you committed

00:33:50.620 to being with her and she committed to being with you and you got to do it together.

00:33:54.960 So yes, I believe that you are the man of the house.

00:33:58.740 I believe that you make the decisions as far as it goes to leading in the direction of the

00:34:03.180 family.

00:34:03.460 I believe that, but I also believe that her opinion and her feedback and her participation

00:34:09.800 and involvement with it is a pretty crucial factor.

00:34:14.020 Well, getting that is part of leading.

00:34:16.040 Yes.

00:34:16.760 Yes.

00:34:17.160 So if she's on board, that doesn't mean everything's going to be great because there are going to

00:34:23.240 be things, but if she's on board, then she might understand the sacrifices that need to

00:34:28.360 be made because she's on board.

00:34:30.360 So let's just assume that she's on board because she's not on board.

00:34:33.500 The answer is you guys need more time, more conversations to, to figure out how you can get

00:34:39.380 on the same page.

00:34:40.160 So let's just assume that she is, there's still going to be some sacrifices on her part.

00:34:44.800 So it happened with us.

00:34:46.560 My wife is very, very close to her family and all of her family is in Utah.

00:34:51.180 Now, since they've kind of scattered throughout the States a little bit, but they were all

00:34:54.300 in Southern Utah and, and she didn't have that.

00:34:57.420 You got to think about ways that she can be part of the family still.

00:35:01.900 What are the solutions that you might offer or suggest?

00:35:05.120 What solutions will she come up with it?

00:35:07.080 Is it travel?

00:35:07.880 Is it her going home every so often?

00:35:10.360 Is it finding a really strong support group in the current community, whether it's through

00:35:14.940 church attendance or some sort of other, you know, other program or women's group?

00:35:20.040 I don't know what that might look like for, for her.

00:35:23.000 Is there, is there zoom calls that you can do?

00:35:25.880 What's the schedule like to call grandparents and aunts and uncles and all this kind of thing.

00:35:30.320 Start working through that with her so that she feels more comfortable about staying connected

00:35:35.980 in some way to her family, even though she may not be as physically present.

00:35:40.520 This is all leadership stuff, communication expectations, but it all stems from making sure

00:35:46.600 that you're on the same page.

00:35:50.820 Right.

00:35:51.280 I want to cover the psychology of this, right?

00:35:53.260 Let's assume, let's assume Rob and we'll, and everyone listening, you can relate this to

00:36:00.240 leadership.

00:36:00.640 You know, moving's the right decision.

00:36:03.720 It's a done deal.

00:36:04.900 You don't need her buy-in.

00:36:06.420 So what happens to Rob here when he makes this call, he doesn't lead from the front, doesn't

00:36:12.640 get buy-in and he just straight up moves.

00:36:16.240 How does that go for, for his wife or what ends up happening from your perspective?

00:36:22.200 No, you're asking me.

00:36:23.500 Yeah.

00:36:23.840 Yeah.

00:36:24.220 Oh yeah.

00:36:25.000 She's going to be the typical thing.

00:36:26.880 Sure.

00:36:27.240 Yeah.

00:36:27.420 She's going to be bitter.

00:36:28.420 She's going to, there's going to be a lot of resentment that builds up when the family

00:36:32.420 is doing Christmas and things like that.

00:36:34.780 And all the family and siblings and aunts and uncles are together.

00:36:37.880 She's going to start to resent you because she's not there.

00:36:41.980 Like this is, this is a recipe for disaster.

00:36:45.940 And another part of this is that she may never tell you about the resentment that she has towards

00:36:55.260 you totally because she's strong.

00:36:57.460 She's a strong, independent, assertive woman.

00:37:00.260 And she may never tell you.

00:37:01.940 And you may feel like whether it's because you're arrogant and look, I'm speaking from

00:37:06.500 experience, whether it's because we're arrogant or because we're distracted, we may never see

00:37:12.020 the signs until it's too late.

00:37:15.060 Yeah.

00:37:15.460 And that she's been resenting you for years.

00:37:18.740 Right.

00:37:19.320 Right.

00:37:19.680 And it's been years of her working on it and you not acknowledging it for whatever reason.

00:37:24.620 And now it's just created too much division and resentment in the, in the relationship.

00:37:30.620 It's totally, it just, it will not go over well.

00:37:33.620 Well, and think through this, right?

00:37:35.240 Like when, if, if Ryan and I were working on something, right.

00:37:39.900 And, and so we're, we're dealing with some current stuff and we're, maybe we're doing

00:37:44.480 some leadership development planning and, and I go, Hey, you know, I'm thinking about

00:37:49.560 doing this.

00:37:50.080 And Ryan's like, I think we should do it this way.

00:37:52.120 And, and we don't give enough attention to it.

00:37:55.080 And Ryan bulldozed me and says, you know what, man, this, I founded this shit.

00:37:58.980 Like, shut up.

00:37:59.900 This is what we're going to do.

00:38:01.260 Get in line, get compliant, do it.

00:38:03.520 And I, and I go, you know what?

00:38:04.680 Fine.

00:38:05.320 I'll do what you want.

00:38:06.860 I'm in the category of compliance.

00:38:09.380 Yeah.

00:38:09.920 Okay.

00:38:10.560 Now when that leadership module we're working on, isn't going very smooth.

00:38:16.160 Do you think I push through and make sure it's successful?

00:38:19.760 No, I'm going to immediately go, ah, see, I knew it.

00:38:23.540 I knew this was a dumb idea, right?

00:38:25.740 I'm not going to push through.

00:38:26.960 I'm not bought in.

00:38:27.880 I was only doing it because to get him off my back anyway.

00:38:30.440 And so the first sign of trouble is I'm going to latch back to the idea that I never liked

00:38:36.160 this idea to begin with.

00:38:38.420 Now, Dick on the flip side, Ryan goes out of his way, leads from the front, does a great

00:38:44.120 job, allowing me to have some buy-in in it.

00:38:47.140 And he's, and I'm part of the process.

00:38:48.820 Now, when I reach a roadblock, how do I approach the roadblock?

00:38:52.860 I push through.

00:38:54.880 Yeah.

00:38:55.100 This baby's going to work.

00:38:56.420 I'm fully committed.

00:38:57.500 I love this idea.

00:38:58.980 So how we mentally look at the situation, we will find evidence, self-fulfilling prophecies

00:39:06.220 to prove that moving in Rob's example, that moving was such a bad idea.

00:39:10.840 She's going to be looking for it all the time for years versus if it's her idea and she's

00:39:16.920 also bought into it, then she's going to think it's a great idea and she's going to look for

00:39:21.040 the positive in it and she's going to push through and she's going to show up in a really

00:39:25.860 powerful way.

00:39:26.780 And, and then we can probably talk another 30 minutes about how this shows up in your kids

00:39:31.080 when she's saying, undermining you saying, I knew we should have moved your dad and, and

00:39:37.400 who, what inconsistency that creates in the relationship between your children and your,

00:39:42.660 and each other.

00:39:43.460 Jeez.

00:39:44.540 Well, and even if she's not excited about it, if she's bought in, she may not be fully on,

00:39:49.040 but if she's bought in, even if it's not seamless and it won't be, there's going to

00:39:53.540 be challenges.

00:39:54.500 She'll fight through those challenges.

00:39:56.500 But I will also say there may be instances where you do have to put your foot down and

00:40:02.060 say, no, this is what we're doing.

00:40:03.540 We X, Y, and Z as a business owner, there might be situations where you do have to put your foot

00:40:07.380 where I say, Hey, look, I appreciate your feedback.

00:40:09.960 I appreciate your concerns.

00:40:11.180 We're going this direction because of, and it might be a legitimate reason.

00:40:16.300 So what do you do to create buy-in?

00:40:18.460 I'll tell you what you give the person responsibility.

00:40:22.220 So if I said, Kip, look, I know that you're not thrilled about this.

00:40:26.660 I know that you thought we should have went a different way, but we're going this way.

00:40:30.180 And I have to make that decision for this business and the men we're serving.

00:40:33.260 And here's why I'm doing it.

00:40:34.720 But I know you're not excited about it.

00:40:37.300 And I understand, and I understand everything that you told me, although I made this decision,

00:40:41.180 but I would really still like you to be a part of this because I feel like what you bring

00:40:47.020 to the table, although this is not your plan, what you bring to the table is invaluable.

00:40:51.880 So my thought is to have you manage X, Y, and Z as we go this direction, would you be willing

00:40:57.560 to do that?

00:40:59.360 Now I'm getting your buy-in.

00:41:00.980 You're like, okay, you know, at least he values me.

00:41:03.740 I don't, I'm excited about this.

00:41:05.720 Yeah.

00:41:06.680 And so I give you some responsibility and now you do it.

00:41:10.020 And now you're in, because if it doesn't work, it's not all on my shoulders.

00:41:14.880 I gave you some of that responsibility.

00:41:16.300 So now it's on your shoulders too.

00:41:18.880 Well, and by you taking the effort to explain, hey, Kip, we're going to go this direction

00:41:24.220 and this is Y.

00:41:26.580 And if you do a good enough job and if it's a good enough Y, like I should be able to go,

00:41:32.560 yeah, that makes sense.

00:41:33.940 I get that.

00:41:35.220 Does it make sense?

00:41:36.040 Even though it's may not the original direction I'd like to go, if you do a well enough job

00:41:40.800 in communicating it, then I see the vision.

00:41:43.520 I'm part of it.

00:41:44.880 And then you're going to get buy-in that way.

00:41:47.120 Right.

00:41:47.640 Yeah.

00:41:47.880 I did want, I wrote something down because I didn't want to forget this.

00:41:50.520 I just wanted to make sure I throw this little disclaimer.

00:41:53.260 We're giving you guys a lot of advice and it might sound like we know what we're talking

00:41:57.100 about.

00:41:59.700 Well, I do at least.

00:42:01.200 Kip does.

00:42:01.960 I don't.

00:42:02.400 The disclaimer I want to put in here is that for every bit of advice that we give

00:42:07.820 to you, I could, I could quite honestly, I could preface it with, I wish I would have

00:42:13.540 done dot, dot, dot.

00:42:15.660 Like, oh, talk to your wife about X, Y, and Z could be prefaced with, I wish I would have

00:42:22.040 talked to my wife this way or manage your time better.

00:42:25.480 I wish in the past I would have managed my time more effectively.

00:42:29.080 Everything that we're sharing are for me anyways, are lessons that I have learned the hard way

00:42:36.260 and many more lessons to learn the hard way, I'm sure.

00:42:40.080 So just know all of what we're saying could easily be prefaced with, if I were to do it

00:42:45.560 over again, here's what I would do, which is important to go back and review your progress

00:42:51.640 and have that mindset because then it helps you the next time you're in a relationship

00:42:57.500 or the next time you start a business or the next time you have a confrontation with an

00:43:02.140 employee, it will help you because you went back and analyzed what you did wrong and what

00:43:06.220 you did right before.

00:43:07.780 Totally.

00:43:08.100 I mean, literally while we're talking, I'm, I'm actually thinking of a very thing where

00:43:14.060 I said, Hey, this is the direction we're going to go.

00:43:16.160 And, and I didn't say these words, but I more or less was, and I don't give a shit about

00:43:20.560 what any of you guys think.

00:43:21.760 This is what we're doing.

00:43:23.800 So of course I'm like, Oh, you know, like, you know, I just want to put that out there.

00:43:29.200 I just, I, I see so many people and I know I've been guilty of it too, but I see so many

00:43:33.560 people on platforms like we have, and we have a big platform fortunately.

00:43:36.860 And I'm so grateful for it where they, they make you seem like they have all of the answers

00:43:43.100 and everything's figured out and they're perfect.

00:43:45.240 And I just want to be sure that, you know, that I am not perfect and I fall and I falter

00:43:51.120 and I screw up and I'm just based, I'm kind of talking to myself as much as I'm talking

00:43:56.440 to you when we're trying to provide advice.

00:43:59.020 Yeah.

00:43:59.200 We're on the path.

00:44:00.400 Yes.

00:44:00.720 All right.

00:44:02.780 Casey Rasmussen, what is the biggest challenge outside of alcohol to get to your four month

00:44:09.660 of sobriety?

00:44:10.380 Second question, if you will, how many days sober were you when it hit that sobriety

00:44:16.020 is the correct path?

00:44:17.580 I see.

00:44:18.700 So I'm slaughtering questions today, guys.

00:44:20.660 So my apologies.

00:44:22.180 Well, I'm glad that I'm glad that you said, well, I'm glad I said what I said just a minute

00:44:26.860 ago.

00:44:27.240 I didn't know this was the next question, but I'm really glad that I prefaced it with,

00:44:32.720 I hate, look, I wish I would have, because here's, here's the thing that a lot of people

00:44:37.180 might not know.

00:44:38.280 And I shared this on social media about a week ago that I am a recovering alcoholic

00:44:43.600 and I know that I've talked about alcohol, like, wait, stay away from it.

00:44:47.580 And I just, I couldn't do it.

00:44:50.060 I couldn't, it took me a long time to figure this out.

00:44:53.060 And, and so, you know, for years I've really struggled with alcohol and it's got to the

00:44:59.860 point, it got to the point where I would literally drink a half a pint or more of whiskey in a

00:45:07.580 single sitting and just get wrecked during the day.

00:45:11.240 I'm talking like in the morning during the day, like not, it was bad.

00:45:15.440 It was really bad and it snuck up on me and I didn't realize how hard it was, not only

00:45:21.860 on myself, but my, my family, namely the people around me.

00:45:26.060 So, uh, his second question was how big, how, how soon I knew that it was the right path.

00:45:36.780 Yeah.

00:45:37.340 The biggest challenge outside of alcohol.

00:45:40.180 And then when did you know that sobriety was the right path?

00:45:43.200 Like how many days in where you're like, okay, this is, this is important or yeah.

00:45:48.160 I knew before sobriety.

00:45:50.040 Okay.

00:45:50.740 I mean, I knew, I can't tell you how many times that I was, I was drunk or hung over

00:45:59.160 or even in the, in the middle of drinking.

00:46:02.440 And I'm like, man, this is bad.

00:46:04.560 I got to get on this.

00:46:06.220 I got to get help.

00:46:07.040 I got to talk to somebody.

00:46:08.160 I mean, countless number of times I know it knew.

00:46:11.080 Yeah.

00:46:11.560 And I think most of us know when we're doing things that are destructive or unhelpful or

00:46:15.580 unproductive, like we know.

00:46:17.780 Yeah.

00:46:18.220 We're, you were typically excusing ourselves.

00:46:20.460 Yeah.

00:46:21.140 And that's what I did.

00:46:22.100 So I would, I would, I would be determined this time.

00:46:25.760 Like this is the last time I'm going to get drunk and I'm going to tell people and I'm

00:46:31.600 going to go get help and I'm going to figure this out.

00:46:34.300 And then I would sober up and I'm like, nah, I'm not doing that.

00:46:37.020 And what I would say, this was my justification.

00:46:41.080 Ryan, you, you're not an alcoholic.

00:46:43.400 I mean, you may like to get drunk, but you're not an alcoholic.

00:46:47.220 One, you can stop anytime you want.

00:46:49.000 That's what I told myself.

00:46:50.120 Yeah.

00:46:50.720 And two, you're super high functioning.

00:46:53.860 So that's what I said.

00:46:54.780 Maybe you're an alcoholic, but I'm not on the streets.

00:46:56.940 I I'm, I'm succeeding in life.

00:46:59.020 This is, you know, I I'm the exception to the rule.

00:47:01.660 So, yeah, I've got this great job.

00:47:04.020 I've got my family.

00:47:05.160 I've got the podcast.

00:47:06.620 We're reaching millions of men.

00:47:07.960 Like, yeah, you know, I drink and I know I shouldn't, but like, I'm still doing it.

00:47:14.640 Yeah.

00:47:15.200 So I knew even beforehand.

00:47:17.340 How, how, how long it be?

00:47:20.060 Like if you're drinking right now and you're like, Hey, like I need to stop this or whatever.

00:47:25.180 And then you'd sober up.

00:47:26.500 How long were you sober before you'd be like, no, no, no.

00:47:29.860 I'm okay.

00:47:30.940 Like, is that a day?

00:47:32.520 Chip, I was at like, before I stopped drinking four months ago, a little over four months ago.

00:47:38.000 Now I, I wouldn't have very many hours during the day where I wasn't drunk.

00:47:45.020 Okay.

00:47:45.660 So this isn't like, I'd go a couple of weeks kind of thing.

00:47:49.020 Sober.

00:47:49.460 No.

00:47:49.940 And then laps or whatever.

00:47:51.480 No daily, daily, like morning, like when I woke up from the time I woke up early enough

00:48:01.120 where I could just go to the store and get a drink to, I say falling asleep, but passing

00:48:07.420 out drunk.

00:48:10.140 Yeah.

00:48:10.740 It was bad, man.

00:48:11.860 Really, really bad.

00:48:13.200 So what, what outside of it have I learned that that's a challenge?

00:48:17.360 Is that what he said?

00:48:18.660 Yeah.

00:48:18.960 Yeah.

00:48:19.460 Biggest challenge outside of it.

00:48:21.420 Yeah.

00:48:22.160 Working on rebuilding the relationships I damaged, like building up trust with the people that

00:48:28.580 I care about.

00:48:30.140 Like that, that to me is harder than sobriety.

00:48:32.960 Cause the sobriety is like, okay, I'm sober.

00:48:36.100 I have the, I have the things right here.

00:48:38.240 Like I've got, you know, that's in your control.

00:48:42.400 Yeah.

00:48:43.440 That's, dude, that's easy.

00:48:45.200 That's not easy.

00:48:46.520 It's simple.

00:48:47.040 You know, I, I, I go a day and I check it off the thing and I've got over four months

00:48:50.680 now and that, that hasn't been too challenging.

00:48:53.500 But the harder thing is how do I get my wife and kids to trust me again?

00:48:57.780 Like how, how do I, like, how do I rebuild the, I don't even know what to say, but like how

00:49:06.720 to, how to rebuild.

00:49:07.760 Well, yeah, it's just trust credibility, the month or months of withdrawals from the trust

00:49:14.800 bank account and somehow get that balance back as fast as possible.

00:49:19.880 And you can't, it can't be fast because the only thing that can be fast is words.

00:49:25.660 Like, Hey, I know I've done this and this and this, but this time is different.

00:49:28.360 I'm going to change.

00:49:28.820 I'm going to get better.

00:49:29.380 That's, those are words.

00:49:30.820 Those mean not evidence.

00:49:32.360 Yeah.

00:49:32.720 Not evidence.

00:49:33.580 Yeah.

00:49:34.080 It's not, it's not a lead.

00:49:35.240 It's not evidence.

00:49:36.400 That's neutral.

00:49:37.760 It's worse than that because of all the other times where I've lied and deceived.

00:49:43.200 So it's, it's worse than neutral.

00:49:45.760 It's like a slap in the face.

00:49:47.600 Every time I say, no, I'm going to be better.

00:49:50.060 No, I'm going to do this.

00:49:50.940 I'm going to do that.

00:49:51.600 And they just have to see that I'm doing it over a period of time and they, it may never

00:49:57.700 be fully repaired, you know, and, and you can't, I can't control that.

00:50:05.040 That's the hardest part.

00:50:06.240 I can't, I can't control what you guys think of me.

00:50:10.500 I made this post a week ago and I told you, I told guys in the iron council a couple of

00:50:15.240 months ago, but I, but I kind of came out with this more publicly about a week ago.

00:50:21.740 So I just, I got, I was just going to say, I don't want anyone to grab that soundbite that Ryan came

00:50:27.780 out roughly a week ago.

00:50:29.600 Yeah.

00:50:31.020 Yeah.

00:50:31.580 Or maybe that was, maybe that was the call to action.

00:50:34.640 Now they will.

00:50:36.400 I'm sorry.

00:50:37.200 I, I shouldn't, I'm like, no, it's fine.

00:50:39.420 But, uh, yeah.

00:50:42.360 So I shared the news, that news a week ago and one of my biggest concerns in doing so is

00:50:51.500 how are people going to respond to this?

00:50:53.100 Like, here I am a guy who's telling other men how to be better men, how to be better

00:50:57.680 fathers, how to be better husbands, how to, I mean, how many people are going to say, oh,

00:51:02.520 you're a hypocrite.

00:51:03.240 That's true.

00:51:04.020 How many people are going to say you're a fraud?

00:51:06.980 Well, you know, to a degree that's true.

00:51:09.080 Now I will say none of what I've ever shared is, is inaccurate.

00:51:14.120 I just, at times in my life found it hard for me to follow.

00:51:18.160 And I still will.

00:51:19.060 All of us will.

00:51:20.380 So that's, I think hypocritical, but what we're sharing is not fraudulent information.

00:51:26.840 So those, those are, right.

00:51:28.620 Those are concerns of mine that I have as I shared this, but I mean, the support is overwhelmingly

00:51:36.560 positive, but even if it wasn't, I can't control how somebody is listening to this right now

00:51:40.800 might think they might think you're a piece of crap.

00:51:43.820 You deceived us this and this and this, you're not who you say you are.

00:51:47.940 I, I can't, there's, that's out of my control.

00:51:50.900 All I can do is work on improving myself and getting better.

00:51:54.000 And I'm actually really appreciative that the support has been overwhelmingly positive.

00:51:58.540 So yeah, hope that answers it.

00:52:01.380 Related question from Jaden Robinson.

00:52:05.680 He says, thanks for sharing your path of sobriety with us.

00:52:08.180 How do you, we help friends and family in similar situations?

00:52:11.940 What would have helped you make a challenge earlier?

00:52:15.060 Or is it something that you need to come to the realization for yourself?

00:52:18.680 I don't think you need to come to the realization yourself for you to change, but I do think that

00:52:28.220 something needs to change in you for it to happen.

00:52:32.860 Maybe you just need a mirror held up in front of you.

00:52:35.440 And I, so to answer the question, when I shared this news with my closer inner circle.

00:52:43.420 So the way that I shared it was I shared it with you and my closer inner circle, my family, immediate family.

00:52:49.860 And then I shared it with the iron council.

00:52:51.860 Cause I was, I felt it was really, really important.

00:52:54.380 They knew what was going on.

00:52:55.760 And then I've shared it, you know, more broadly and publicly lately.

00:53:00.580 Uh, I had, I had more than a couple people when I said I'm a recovering alcoholic say, yeah, I know.

00:53:07.300 And I was like, cause I, I was a closet drink.

00:53:11.880 I didn't want anybody to know.

00:53:13.420 Yeah.

00:53:14.660 So I said, I, in my mind, I'm like, really?

00:53:18.580 Like I was kind of angry actually.

00:53:22.720 And I'm not angry at those people, but, and I know why they didn't tell me, but I was angry

00:53:28.960 that they didn't tell me like, wait, you knew I was an alcoholic and you didn't say anything.

00:53:35.000 And I actually asked a couple of people, I'm like, why didn't you tell me that?

00:53:41.100 I didn't realize how bad it got.

00:53:42.760 Why didn't you get in my face?

00:53:44.360 And they said, Ryan, how would you have responded?

00:53:49.460 And admittedly, I would have responded poorly in that, in that time I would have,

00:53:55.460 but I still feel like they should have told me.

00:53:59.540 Yeah.

00:54:00.400 Like if they really cared, if they really, I'm trying not to project.

00:54:05.100 I'd know these people care, but in my mind, I was like, man, if they really cared about,

00:54:09.220 they would have told me.

00:54:10.240 And I, and then I think about like, what's, what's the risk in doing that?

00:54:14.140 Well, it's me blowing up towards them.

00:54:16.660 And you know what?

00:54:18.700 I think that's worth it.

00:54:20.060 And if I see a friend or a family member struggling with alcohol, like if I see you Kip struggling

00:54:27.600 with alcohol, I'm going to confront you about it.

00:54:30.880 Yeah.

00:54:31.320 And, and it might damage our friendship and it might create some barriers or risks or animosity

00:54:37.220 between us because you're not ready to hear that.

00:54:39.500 I don't know, but in this, in this moment, in this experience, because I do care about

00:54:46.900 you, I would be willing to risk that in this, in this moment.

00:54:50.320 And that would be the sacrifice I'd be willing to pay because I care about you and I want

00:54:55.720 you to get the help you need.

00:54:58.200 Here's the interesting part.

00:54:59.640 So statistically, most people, we have internal dialogue of when we should say something and,

00:55:08.440 and our, our mathematical brains, right?

00:55:12.220 The, the math part of the decision is usually we jump to the conclusion of what will happen

00:55:18.960 if I say something.

00:55:21.820 And, but we're not asking ourselves internally, should we say something?

00:55:26.620 We're saying what will happen if I say something and we're making the conclusion that we're

00:55:32.060 going to do it poorly.

00:55:34.000 And thus we would rather have the surety of the current relationship than we would rather

00:55:41.500 like, oh, I'm going to say something and then he's going to get upset and then it's

00:55:44.280 going to go South.

00:55:45.300 And, and, and this has been on my mind, right?

00:55:47.920 We were talking about this earlier around accountability.

00:55:51.660 And it's really interesting.

00:55:52.940 Like think through the scenarios, guys, like who's, who's the, um,

00:55:56.620 I think it was Stanford that did the study where they had people like shocking other

00:56:01.160 people, right?

00:56:02.900 Tests thinking they might be killing people.

00:56:06.400 And, and they asked them, did you think about speaking up?

00:56:10.260 Most of them?

00:56:11.480 Yeah.

00:56:13.280 Right.

00:56:14.040 But they didn't.

00:56:14.960 And so our default behavior is to avoid conflict often.

00:56:20.500 And, and, and it's amazing how we don't go.

00:56:23.780 Should I say something?

00:56:25.780 Should something be said?

00:56:27.480 Period.

00:56:28.100 Yes or no.

00:56:29.160 And if the answer is yes, then the next thought of the process is, okay, how do I, how am I

00:56:34.720 going to do this?

00:56:35.620 Yeah.

00:56:35.760 How am I going to do this in an effective way where Ryan knows that I care, that I

00:56:40.600 appreciate him as individual.

00:56:41.900 And I'm actually here just to be just to, to, because I love him.

00:56:46.200 Right.

00:56:46.660 How do I do that?

00:56:48.040 And that's what we should be asking ourselves in these examples.

00:56:50.340 Not, oh, we make the assumption that it's going to go South.

00:56:53.920 Yeah.

00:56:54.280 It's like, no, yes or no.

00:56:56.540 Should something be said?

00:56:57.520 And then, then figure out how to do it effectively.

00:57:00.060 Well, and one of the things you said is we think about what would happen if you told that

00:57:06.780 individual, let me flip that around.

00:57:08.980 What would happen if you didn't totally.

00:57:12.440 I mean, if, if nobody ever told me or was willing to confront me about it, I could, I

00:57:19.880 could be dead right now.

00:57:21.020 If I'm not dead right now, you know, certainly if I keep that over the next several years,

00:57:26.600 decade, 20, I'm going to die early prematurely.

00:57:29.320 I might kill somebody in the process.

00:57:31.900 I mean, there's alcohol poisoning.

00:57:34.260 I mean, look, it, it could go very bad.

00:57:36.700 Like, but if you think about that, uh, I would, I would also say this, what can I do to help?

00:57:42.000 Number one is actually have the conversation and, and then maybe follow up with an individual

00:57:49.820 periodically.

00:57:50.880 And it might not even be so much about like, Hey, how's the sobriety going?

00:57:54.680 But Hey, Kip UFC fights this weekend.

00:57:57.880 I've got some guys coming over.

00:57:59.380 You want to come over, by the way, don't have alcohol there at the party, right?

00:58:04.120 But Hey, we, we've got, got some guys coming over.

00:58:06.720 You want to come over and you don't, don't even talk about, don't talk about it with them.

00:58:10.940 Just invite them over.

00:58:12.180 Hey, I'm going golfing Saturday morning.

00:58:13.760 We have room for one more.

00:58:14.760 You want to come with us?

00:58:15.580 That that's how you help.

00:58:17.880 Yeah.

00:58:18.340 You just, you just be there.

00:58:19.400 You be, you, you befriend them.

00:58:21.640 And then if they say something to you, just, man, just listen.

00:58:26.320 If they're willing to open up about it and say, Hey, here's what I'm dealing with.

00:58:29.220 Here's what I'm struggling with.

00:58:30.440 Be very cautious on the giving of advice.

00:58:33.260 Unsolicited advice never really goes over well.

00:58:35.180 And even when somebody's bringing something up to you, unless they specifically ask you

00:58:40.000 what you should do, they're probably not asking for advice.

00:58:43.840 They probably just want to know you care and that they have somewhere they can be a sounding

00:58:49.340 board to.

00:58:50.060 Yeah.

00:58:50.620 And vent to.

00:58:51.520 Yep.

00:58:52.020 Let me, let me, this is, let me run this by you, Ryan, because, and I haven't shared this

00:58:57.060 with you, but like, um, when we first, when we first started talking about this, um, I'll

00:59:05.360 be honest.

00:59:05.760 I, I was kind of, I internalized a little bit and said, wait a second, right?

00:59:11.280 Like how long has this been going on?

00:59:13.380 And it's really easy for us to be like, Oh, Ryan, this Ryan, that, or, or past judgment.

00:59:20.540 Right.

00:59:20.820 It's really easy for us to pass judgment, of course, but seldom do we ever internalize

00:59:25.520 it.

00:59:26.000 And, and I, I immediately would gotten the direction of like, man, how am I showing up

00:59:32.960 as a friend where I'm oblivious to this?

00:59:38.940 No, I don't think that.

00:59:40.100 No, you don't think we should like be evaluating going because I mean, and I, maybe I think

00:59:46.920 yourself from the conversation a little bit, but I think if you knew how strong is your

00:59:51.000 relationship that you want to be willing to bring it up.

00:59:54.120 No, no, no, not, not that.

00:59:58.560 No.

00:59:59.180 Okay.

00:59:59.460 So I thought you were talking about something different.

01:00:01.520 So let's hit on this.

01:00:03.900 You shouldn't beat yourself up because you don't know about what somebody's dealing with

01:00:08.500 because they might be really good at hiding it.

01:00:11.280 And I was really good at hiding it.

01:00:13.380 I would do podcasts with you, Kip drunk.

01:00:16.140 Like, and by the way, like when you say like, someone's like, yeah, I do.

01:00:20.400 I'm like, I, I, I obviously my alcohol radar is destroyed.

01:00:24.760 Cause I have no idea.

01:00:27.440 It's not, it's just, you might not know.

01:00:30.500 I was really good at hiding it.

01:00:32.980 I would, maybe I wish I wouldn't have been so good.

01:00:35.080 And then more people would have known and I wouldn't have been able to hide.

01:00:37.900 Yeah.

01:00:38.360 But I was, and so that's not like, it wouldn't expect you.

01:00:43.020 I wouldn't expect you to know that that was my whole thing.

01:00:45.840 Like I didn't want people to know.

01:00:47.580 Yeah.

01:00:48.060 You didn't want anybody to know.

01:00:50.060 Right.

01:00:50.520 Do you, but is.

01:00:51.720 So let me address the other question though.

01:00:53.800 Okay.

01:00:54.280 Well, go ahead.

01:00:54.700 What, what were you going to say?

01:00:55.660 And then I'll address the other thing.

01:00:56.560 Do you, do you feel that, that certain relationships in your life are, might be lacking that you

01:01:06.220 didn't have that person that you could tell?

01:01:08.980 No.

01:01:09.300 Like not a single person.

01:01:11.060 No one was allowed in, not even your best of best.

01:01:14.160 No.

01:01:14.660 And so that's what I was going to hit on is you kind of make it seem like you felt bad

01:01:19.060 that I didn't feel comfortable enough telling you.

01:01:22.600 Well, not feel bad, but like, how am I showing up in our relationship that, that you would

01:01:28.760 not have felt comfortable confining me.

01:01:32.000 Okay.

01:01:32.080 No, it's not.

01:01:32.880 It's not indicative of your friendship or how you should have been showing up for me.

01:01:41.240 It's not indicative of that.

01:01:43.720 It's, it's on, it's on me.

01:01:45.700 So guys, like we, we can't feel guilty about that.

01:01:49.560 Like, oh, am I not showing up enough, bro?

01:01:51.880 So I didn't tell anybody.

01:01:54.300 I mean, my wife knew, even my older kid, my two older kids knew, but I didn't tell anyone.

01:02:03.380 And it, like, I didn't, I wasn't interested in letting anybody know because it reflected

01:02:10.740 on me.

01:02:11.240 I knew that.

01:02:12.240 And so it had, you know, I had a couple of people reach out like, oh, I wish I could have

01:02:15.680 been a better friend.

01:02:16.400 And there's nothing you could have done nothing a year ago, six months ago that you could have

01:02:23.740 done where I'd been like, oh, you know, I feel comfortable enough telling Kip.

01:02:27.120 Yeah.

01:02:27.820 You were nothing, nothing.

01:02:29.460 So yeah, we have to be very careful of beating ourselves up.

01:02:33.200 Like, oh, I wish I was a better friend.

01:02:34.540 I've experienced this with people in my life who have committed suicide, man, I'm a horrible

01:02:40.080 friend.

01:02:41.480 Not if you don't know, like if you genuinely don't know, that's not on you.

01:02:46.900 Now, if you do know and you don't say anything, there's some responsibility there.

01:02:51.700 I do think there's some responsibility there.

01:02:53.640 It's not your fault.

01:02:55.460 Yeah.

01:02:55.880 But there is some responsibility.

01:02:58.200 But yeah, if you don't know, there was nothing six months ago that you could have done that

01:03:04.480 I've been like, yeah, I feel comfortable telling Kip now.

01:03:07.480 Nope.

01:03:07.920 That would not have happened.

01:03:09.800 Got it.

01:03:11.180 Okay.

01:03:12.020 I mean, it's good to always self-evaluate a little bit because I was kind of like, man,

01:03:15.920 like, you know, I don't know.

01:03:17.620 I had friends who I would have a drink with, a beer with, and one in particular reached

01:03:25.060 out.

01:03:25.260 I'm not going to use names, but one in particular reached out after I had shared this and said,

01:03:28.740 man, I'm so sorry I contributed to this problem of yours.

01:03:33.620 I'd feel that way.

01:03:35.260 Dude, you did not contribute to it.

01:03:37.060 I'm a grown ass man.

01:03:39.000 Yeah, but you didn't contribute.

01:03:40.840 I understand the sentiment, but nobody contributed to it because they didn't know.

01:03:48.300 If they would have known and blatantly, like, I don't care about that.

01:03:51.220 We're going to get sloshed.

01:03:52.380 Like that would have been a problem.

01:03:54.360 But if you don't know, that's not your fault.

01:03:57.540 It's not your response.

01:03:58.800 It was my responsibility.

01:04:00.220 I'm a big boy.

01:04:01.160 I make my own choices, good and bad.

01:04:03.540 And it's just not on anybody else.

01:04:06.500 Yeah.

01:04:07.380 George Sykes has a good question.

01:04:08.820 I think is related to this.

01:04:10.060 He says, do you find it difficult to give yourself grace?

01:04:13.760 Yes.

01:04:14.120 I find it extremely difficult to give myself grace.

01:04:16.540 And I'm starting to think it's because I often expect too much from myself.

01:04:20.640 What say you?

01:04:22.660 Yes.

01:04:22.860 A hundred percent.

01:04:24.120 I'm tore up about it, man.

01:04:25.680 I really am.

01:04:26.460 Like I have a guilty conscience.

01:04:28.440 Not so much anymore because I've been more open about it and I brought it to light.

01:04:32.540 So that guilty conscience isn't quite there.

01:04:34.780 Um, but yeah, I'm, I'm remorseful about past mistakes.

01:04:38.980 I'm remorseful about the way I've treated specifically my wife and kids.

01:04:42.280 Like I'm remorseful about that.

01:04:44.520 Um, and that won't ever go away.

01:04:47.500 Totally.

01:04:48.720 Yeah.

01:04:49.160 I'll tell you what's made it feel better.

01:04:50.980 Is, and this is why I made that post and why I'm even talking about it now.

01:04:56.700 When I was writing that up, my hands were literally shaking, like not from like withdrawals or anything,

01:05:03.440 but because I was so scared of posting that I was, I was teary eyed and my hands were shaking.

01:05:09.500 My, like, as I was punching into the keyboard, the message I wanted to share and part of that was because of the fear of the way that I would be judged for sharing it.

01:05:19.180 But I, and I sat there, I had the whole thing typed out and the picture of my, these, my little calendar, and I had it all typed out and ready to go.

01:05:28.280 And I hovered over my finger over submit or whatever it is for probably 10 minutes.

01:05:35.500 And I'm like, I don't know.

01:05:37.720 Do I hit this submit button?

01:05:39.500 Do I just delete it?

01:05:40.720 Do I save it as a draft and think on it?

01:05:43.140 I don't know.

01:05:43.780 I don't know.

01:05:44.240 I'm like, no, just hit send, send.

01:05:46.920 Yeah.

01:05:48.040 And I did.

01:05:50.700 And the reason I did to George's question is because I just thought it would help somebody else.

01:06:00.640 I just thought if I shared it with somebody then, and I don't, I did not want to share it.

01:06:06.820 I could have gone my entire life.

01:06:08.460 It doesn't benefit you.

01:06:09.040 No.

01:06:09.500 I could have gone my entire life with not sharing this with anybody, just fixing it and not sharing it, just burying it.

01:06:16.520 But I shared it because I knew somebody was going to benefit from it.

01:06:22.900 And they did.

01:06:23.800 I can't tell you how many incredible conversations have taken place in the Iron Council, specifically in the sobriety channel, and how fast that thing grew because I shared.

01:06:31.940 Or the countless messages I've received over the past five, six, seven days since I've shared it about other people's struggles and, hey, you've inspired me to tell people about my issues.

01:06:43.740 That's, that helps me overcome some of the guilt and shame that I have.

01:06:49.860 Do you feel there's power in just being like, hey, here it is.

01:07:02.220 Yeah, I don't have to hide.

01:07:03.500 I'm not hiding.

01:07:04.820 Like by putting it out there, it's just clean, cut, dry.

01:07:08.580 Just there's no hiding.

01:07:09.860 I mean, look, when somebody would ask a question about alcohol or I do a podcast about alcohol or whatever, like in my mind, I'm like, man, I know I can't kick this.

01:07:19.640 I know the advice to give.

01:07:21.220 Here's the, this is true.

01:07:22.460 And I couldn't even get, and so it played with me.

01:07:25.220 It toyed with me.

01:07:26.520 Yeah.

01:07:26.840 And now I don't have that.

01:07:27.620 I can talk about it and be like, yeah, I don't, I, I don't know.

01:07:30.140 I don't have the answer.

01:07:30.920 Here's what I'm working on.

01:07:32.020 Or I'm working on it.

01:07:32.740 Yeah.

01:07:33.260 There's some, there's a lot of liberty and freedom in that.

01:07:36.100 Yeah.

01:07:37.240 I find giving yourself grace back to George's question difficult because even if you like,

01:07:48.380 I had a great conversation with, um, it was Dan from the iron council on Friday.

01:07:54.280 We were, he had a good question and I actually spoke with him after that Friday call last Friday and, um, probably for about 45 minutes.

01:08:05.480 And, uh, in transparency sake, I was outside in the parking lot crying actually while I'm talking to this guy on the phone and we're talking about our pasts.

01:08:19.080 And how do you move on?

01:08:22.500 Like, how do you let go?

01:08:24.760 Right.

01:08:25.320 And, and really like not drag your past into your present because I actually believe that I actually believe Ryan, I think, and I believe this for all of us.

01:08:34.380 I actually think that you have the power and the ability to invent yourself.

01:08:40.400 You don't like who you were yesterday.

01:08:42.880 You can create that today.

01:08:44.720 And I, I, I so hardly believe in it.

01:08:48.480 The problem is, is my identity of self and your identity of self is built on what typically our past, our experience, who we were yesterday.

01:09:01.080 And we kind of drag our past with us as a way of trying to overcome something or I'm better than, or to prove something, or we use it to identify who we are.

01:09:11.840 And what makes it really hard.

01:09:15.480 And, and I, this isn't advice.

01:09:17.420 It's just, I guess I'm just really expressing what makes giving yourself grace difficult is people know you from your past.

01:09:26.240 Yeah.

01:09:27.300 Yeah.

01:09:27.660 They're going to, and whether you create yourself new today and whether you're on the path and like, I, it's out there and I am awesome today.

01:09:36.640 Unfortunately, those that love you, those that have been affected by you, they still know you as you have yesterday.

01:09:44.960 And you have last month and you have the months before, and it makes it so hard to like, believe in your change and your creation because people, whether they realize they're doing it or not, or not, they will drag your past into your present way of being.

01:10:05.860 Because that's the evidence of who you are and that shit just takes time.

01:10:11.480 If you think that's bad, imagining, imagine hundreds of thousands of men knowing your, your mistakes, which is what will happen.

01:10:24.860 Yeah.

01:10:26.000 Like this is not, you know, my 10 closest friends and acquaintances will know about this.

01:10:31.940 Yeah.

01:10:32.820 Yeah.

01:10:33.300 And the more painful one is probably the ones that are closest to you.

01:10:36.740 Of course.

01:10:38.040 And the best way I think to overcome that, whether it's what we're talking about now, alcoholism or anything else is just owning your past.

01:10:45.900 And when somebody says, Hey, what are you talking about?

01:10:48.840 You're an alcoholic.

01:10:49.540 It's like, I, yeah, I was right.

01:10:52.080 You know?

01:10:52.420 Yeah, absolutely.

01:10:53.580 And here's what I'm doing to fix it.

01:10:55.120 I remember one time vividly.

01:10:56.860 Remember somebody had made up comment on one of my posts and I can't remember what the post was, but they said, you know, Ryan, you're not as good as you think.

01:11:03.280 You don't, you don't, you're not as good as the values or whatever you stand up for.

01:11:07.100 And I'll tell you, it was so satisfying.

01:11:11.420 I wrote, I responded back.

01:11:13.340 I said, you're a hundred percent, right?

01:11:14.840 I fall short of my ideals every single day.

01:11:18.340 It was so freeing.

01:11:21.020 It's like, yeah, you're right.

01:11:22.660 I'm not as good as I think I am.

01:11:24.300 Yes.

01:11:24.660 I fall short of my ideals every single day.

01:11:27.120 And so when somebody is going to call me a hypocrite or an asshole or this or that, and they will, it's, my answer is going to be, yeah.

01:11:33.640 Yeah.

01:11:34.440 Sucks.

01:11:35.220 I was that for sure.

01:11:36.700 I'll tell you one other perspective.

01:11:38.180 And I think this is important.

01:11:39.140 And I want to share this.

01:11:40.280 I've really, because of this experience, it's kind of woken me up to getting more in touch with the spiritual side and God and developing that relationship.

01:11:49.520 And I don't, it's, I'm just going to share it because maybe it will help somebody think about this.

01:11:55.680 Like I've asked myself so many times, what, what, number one, why did I go through this?

01:12:01.920 And that's kind of like putting it on external factors.

01:12:05.260 And number two, why, why did I make these choices?

01:12:07.960 Which I think are internal and those are both good.

01:12:12.000 I feel like that I tempted God a little bit with this movement.

01:12:20.160 And what I mean by that, as I said, not in a prayer to him necessarily, but through my actions that I want to serve men.

01:12:29.960 Like, I really want to be valuable in helping men improve their lives.

01:12:35.020 I'm going to get an emotional maybe.

01:12:37.180 And I feel like now looking at it, God said, oh yeah, you sure about that?

01:12:42.140 Like, yep, I'm sure about it.

01:12:43.400 That's you doing it?

01:12:44.860 Yep.

01:12:45.480 No, no, no.

01:12:46.860 He said, you sure you want to do this?

01:12:48.840 You sure you really want to serve men?

01:12:52.480 And I said, yeah, I do.

01:12:53.940 Like, that's really what I want to do.

01:12:55.840 He said, all right, here you go.

01:12:58.440 Alcoholism.

01:12:59.940 And then you making bad choices.

01:13:02.460 And if you can overcome this, when you get through this challenge, then you'll be in a better position to serve men.

01:13:12.540 Because I've experienced it.

01:13:13.760 I know it.

01:13:14.460 Like, I know what it feels like.

01:13:16.100 And so, anybody who comes to me and is like, man, I'm an alcoholic.

01:13:18.900 I'm like, I know what you're going through, brother.

01:13:21.340 Like, I know.

01:13:22.280 I'm intimately familiar with what you're dealing with.

01:13:26.580 Or, hey, I'm going to my meetings and I'm struggling and I've got temptation.

01:13:31.080 And I don't have, I know, brother.

01:13:32.560 I know.

01:13:33.100 I know what it's like.

01:13:34.060 I feel that.

01:13:34.800 And it's going to make me better.

01:13:38.960 It's going to make me a better tool to help other men.

01:13:43.280 It will.

01:13:44.280 Although it's hard to see at times.

01:13:45.720 It definitely will.

01:13:48.180 I've said this probably one too many times.

01:13:50.580 But, like, you know, guys, you know, how do I deal with my divorce?

01:13:55.560 How do I deal with my past?

01:13:57.200 How do I deal with these things?

01:13:59.360 And the way you deal with not living a life of regret is to show up in such a powerful way that you become grateful for the thing that you experienced.

01:14:11.560 Like, without a doubt, and it sounds super counterintuitive, but I am grateful for when I got divorced.

01:14:23.580 Because if that experience, like, propelled me in a way to show up in a, I don't know if I would have ever showed up the way into who I am today if it wasn't for that experience.

01:14:34.520 I'd probably still be wandering around being a victim and woe is me and blaming my wife and who knows what.

01:14:40.680 And so I can't almost, like, I almost, really, I honestly don't think I'd be who I am without that experience.

01:14:47.180 So I can't help but kind of be grateful for it, you know?

01:14:51.720 And I see that, you know, obviously I see that for you.

01:14:55.480 I mean, by rising up in spite of this circumstance, I think that this is going to propel you in a way that you're just like, man, like, I can't help but almost be grateful for that experience.

01:15:06.780 Because it gave me the lessons.

01:15:08.980 It propelled me in a way to show up in a powerful way that I would have never shown up otherwise.

01:15:16.200 I wrote something today.

01:15:18.120 I came across a quote that was really powerful.

01:15:20.560 And then I wrote a post about it in the Iron Council, which, guys, we've talked about it.

01:15:24.960 If you don't know what the Iron Council is, it's a brotherhood of men.

01:15:29.600 There's about 1,500 of us.

01:15:31.060 And we're all working together to hold each other accountable.

01:15:33.320 So we have different channels available, different topics we discuss, like a sobriety channel.

01:15:38.260 There's a fatherhood channel, firearms, breaking porn, health and fitness.

01:15:42.280 You name it, there's channels about it.

01:15:44.620 And it's closed.

01:15:45.860 It's not on your typical social media platforms like Facebook and all this.

01:15:49.300 It's like a closed platform specifically for our guys.

01:15:52.800 We call it the foundry.

01:15:53.740 And they're on battle team.

01:15:57.580 Anyways, it's really cool.

01:15:58.460 Orderaman.com slash Iron Council.

01:16:00.260 But I wanted to share this with you.

01:16:01.560 It's important.

01:16:02.440 So I wrote this quote.

01:16:03.380 And this is by C.S. Lewis quote.

01:16:04.860 You can't go back and change the beginning.

01:16:08.120 But you can start where you are and change the ending.

01:16:12.520 And somebody had sent me a message.

01:16:15.340 And I'll have to post this up about what it looks like.

01:16:17.800 And it's this tree.

01:16:19.080 And it's going from left to right.

01:16:20.340 And it shows your current path with all the branches.

01:16:22.300 And then it shows the new path.

01:16:24.240 And there's so many different options you can choose based on your actions.

01:16:26.760 I'll have to post it up.

01:16:27.880 But this is what I wrote.

01:16:29.240 This quote struck me today because I know many of us are struggling with the choices that we've made in the past that have led us to where we are today.

01:16:35.920 The way I see it, we now have three choices.

01:16:38.760 One, continue the same course of action we always have and hope we arrive at a different result.

01:16:44.600 Two, throw in the towel, wallow in our own self-pity, and destroy our lives.

01:16:49.700 Three, pick ourselves up, dust the dirt off, and begin a new course of action where we learn from our mistakes and make better choices moving forward.

01:16:59.200 I don't think it's much of a choice really.

01:17:01.580 Not that it makes our new path much easier.

01:17:03.860 But for me, the mindset of option three has made my past mistakes and my current reality more manageable.

01:17:11.280 And when I catch myself slipping into option one or two, which is frequently, reminding myself that the only constructive choice is option three gives me just a little fuel to do the right thing.

01:17:23.280 Let's make it an option three kind of week, gentlemen.

01:17:24.920 This is what we have to do, guys.

01:17:27.640 The past is the past, and it sucks, and it's painful, and it hurts.

01:17:32.040 You got three options.

01:17:33.200 Which one are you going to choose?

01:17:35.340 I like it.

01:17:36.480 Should we wrap up there?

01:17:37.840 I think so.

01:17:38.580 It's a good place to wrap up.

01:17:39.960 If you guys have additional questions or thoughts or even specifically about this, happy to talk about it.

01:17:44.760 Not happy to talk about it, but willing to talk about it.

01:17:46.740 And you can do so by following Mr. Mickler on the social media, at Ryan Mickler, both Twitter and Instagram.

01:17:54.300 Get your orders at store.orderofman.com for all your Order of Man swag.

01:18:00.780 And then-

01:18:01.420 I would say on that one, Kip, real quick on the store.

01:18:04.040 Yeah.

01:18:04.580 Get them done by the 10th of December to guarantee delivery for Christmas.

01:18:10.060 So the 10th of December.

01:18:10.700 Anything after, we might still get it to you.

01:18:13.040 We might not.

01:18:13.760 But the 10th of December for Christmas.

01:18:15.700 Got it.

01:18:16.260 And then Iron Council membership.

01:18:18.940 Did we decide we're going to open that early?

01:18:21.780 We're not going to open it up earlier.

01:18:24.220 I think we're going to make it available later, longer.

01:18:26.840 Later.

01:18:27.200 Okay.

01:18:27.540 It's going to be available for 100% from December 15th through the 31st.

01:18:32.720 Okay.

01:18:33.080 So there's your call to action, gentlemen.

01:18:35.420 You have a new 2023 coming up next year.

01:18:38.660 If you want to join us in the Iron Council where you're going to be placed on a battle team,

01:18:43.320 you have a group of brothers that are holding you accountable and you're striving towards showing up more powerfully in life.

01:18:51.160 If you want to join us there, your window of opportunity starts on the 15th of December to start next year in January.

01:18:59.820 So I want to be really clear.

01:19:01.560 What I don't want is us to get pinged on January, mid-January.

01:19:06.000 And you're like, all right, I'm ready to get on the court.

01:19:08.660 Put me in, coach.

01:19:10.040 And we're like, no, no, no.

01:19:10.940 The game has already started.

01:19:12.700 All right.

01:19:13.240 Game starts.

01:19:14.100 We start ahead of time here.

01:19:14.800 Yeah, we start ahead of time, right?

01:19:16.720 We're more or less doing tryouts, okay?

01:19:19.980 So you need to sign up to do tryouts and get prepped, get your uniform, figure out what position you're playing so we can get the game started in January.

01:19:30.920 So that opens up on the 15th.

01:19:32.680 That's orderofman.com slash Iron Council.

01:19:36.220 That's it.

01:19:37.360 Okay.

01:19:37.700 All right, guys.

01:19:38.340 Great questions today.

01:19:39.460 Sorry, some of that capitalized, but I felt like, man, we really needed to talk about it.

01:19:43.260 So we'll continue talking about these things.

01:19:45.760 Not easy and comfortable subjects to discuss, but this is why we're doing it, right?

01:19:50.660 If it was all easy, fun conversations, I don't know that it would have as much the impact that it does.

01:19:57.040 So appreciate all you guys.

01:19:58.060 Keep the questions coming.

01:19:59.280 And we'll keep working on ourselves as you work on yourself.

01:20:02.560 All right, guys.

01:20:02.940 We'll be back on Friday.

01:20:04.000 Until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.

01:20:07.840 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

01:20:10.340 If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be,

01:20:14.660 we invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.

01:20:17.760 We'll be right back.

01:20:23.600 We'll be right back.

01:20:23.640 We'll be right back.

01:20:25.580 Bye.

Order of Man - December 07, 2022

Overcoming Alcoholism, the Relationship Between Time Management and Stress, and Responsibility as a Tool for Growth ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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