Order of Man - Overcoming Guilt for Self-Improvement ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.240 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,

00:00:27.740 and I am the host and founder of the podcast and the movement that is order of man. We are coming

00:00:32.940 up, believe it or not, pretty insane for me to think about, uh, our five-year anniversary, which

00:00:38.560 will be in May of this year. So man, what can I say other than thank you? Thank you for believing in

00:00:44.760 what we're doing here. Uh, thank you for being inspiration and even holding me accountable to

00:00:49.360 a degree. Uh, and thank you for stepping up as men inside the walls of your home and your businesses 0.90

00:00:54.580 as a neighbor and your community and all the other facets of life that you're showing up as,

00:00:59.000 uh, I want to bring you the best conversations this year. And I realized that, uh, to some degree

00:01:03.680 over the past 12 months or so, I've been playing it a little bit safe and, uh, I've rested on my

00:01:09.600 laurels to some degree, and I don't want to do that anymore. So come 2020, we're going to be releasing

00:01:15.040 some new, uh, conversations with some incredible people as we have over the past four or five years

00:01:20.280 now. Uh, but we're going to also be releasing some new products and courses and tools that you

00:01:26.020 can use and have at your disposal to make yourself more capable as a husband, a father, a business

00:01:32.220 owner, a community leader, every facet of life that you're showing up as, uh, and we're going to

00:01:36.400 continue to level this thing up because as we continue to go through our lives, it's more and

00:01:41.980 more common that I think we've fallen from the place that we once held the title of man.

00:01:48.280 And so it's my job to reclaim and restore masculinity through this conversation, through

00:01:53.480 those courses, through the tools and the resources that I provide to you, uh, along with my team,

00:01:58.060 because, uh, we've got some great guys who are fully vested in what it is we're doing. And we're

00:02:03.120 all in this together. So I've got a good one lined up for you today, guys. I want to talk with you

00:02:08.160 about overcoming the guilt of self-improvement. Now we're rolling into 2020. Uh, it's very likely that

00:02:16.200 you are trying to improve. Maybe you're trying to get into the gym, maybe read a little bit more,

00:02:21.180 maybe you're taking some schooling or education or courses, but there's probably when you're on

00:02:27.020 the path to improvement, some time that you're going to need to step away from other responsibilities

00:02:33.120 and obligations that you have, namely your family. Uh, and the reason this, I wanted to talk

00:02:38.460 with you about this today is because over the past week I was on a hunt. I was gone for about

00:02:43.340 six days, uh, in Arizona. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to put everything together

00:02:47.980 and came away with a tag that wasn't filled, but I had a great time. And I thought about a lot as I

00:02:55.460 was sitting, trying to look for deer and trying to do the thing, why I felt completely okay with

00:03:02.820 being gone, because this is something that I've struggled with for a very, very long time. I struggled

00:03:07.740 with the ability to reconcile the idea that I had to take care of myself and that also I had to take

00:03:15.840 care of others. And I think this is something that a lot of men struggle with. A lot of men deal with

00:03:21.260 this so much so that they decide not to take care of themselves and instead pour everything into their

00:03:28.200 family, their wife, their kids, and their other, other obligations. Now, look, this is noble. It's

00:03:33.860 noble to want to serve others. In fact, the tenants, the core tenants of what we talk about

00:03:38.760 with regards to masculinity, protect, provide, preside all at their most foundational and

00:03:43.720 fundamental level have an element of service. I believe to be a good man means you need to be

00:03:49.380 in service to those you care about and those who cannot take care of themselves. But that also means

00:03:55.000 you, and it starts with you. If you're trying to be a protector, a provider presider to others,

00:04:00.460 but you can't protect, provide, and preside over yourself and for yourself, it isn't going to be

00:04:05.300 long before you burn up and burn completely out and potentially crash and burn and jeopardize what

00:04:11.460 you're working so hard to create a family life, a family dynamic, a powerful relationship with your

00:04:18.200 wife, deeply connected with your children. If you can't learn to take care of yourself, you jeopardize

00:04:23.800 those relationships. But again, the major reason I think that a lot of guys don't take care of

00:04:29.140 themselves is because the guilt associated with being gone or the guilt associated with having

00:04:34.080 to invest potentially even at the expense of time or money or other resources with the people that we

00:04:40.480 care about. So what I thought I'd do today is share with you some simple strategies or some simple

00:04:45.860 thoughts, more mindsets than strategies into how I've been able to reconcile being away and serving

00:04:53.660 myself and even being a little bit surface, a selfish, but also taking care of my family and

00:04:59.780 realizing that I have these other obligations as a man that I'm happy to step into, but they are

00:05:04.820 responsibilities and obligations that I feel compelled to fulfill because I've signed on the

00:05:10.400 dotted line that says I will uphold these responsibilities and obligations. So the first thing that I'm going

00:05:16.900 to share with you, and I'm just shooting off the hip a little bit here today. I didn't take any notes

00:05:20.060 because again, I'm just getting back and I wanted to make sure I got this Friday field notes to you

00:05:23.620 is that I've spent a lot of time in building up what I can only term as human capital. Now I know

00:05:32.780 that might be, maybe not the best way to say it. Maybe you can help me with another way to say it,

00:05:38.100 but essentially it's human capital. It's, it's resources and time and energy and sacrifices that I've

00:05:45.060 poured into my family that I've taken care of. Um, I, I, I make those sacrifices. Uh, when I'm home,

00:05:51.980 I try to be fully present and aware. I try to be a man of my word. I don't always get it right,

00:05:56.980 but when I mess up, I apologize. I fixed the behavior. I fixed the situation as quickly as I

00:06:02.340 can. And because I pour a lot of resources, time, energy, attention into my family, it's not so hard

00:06:12.140 for them to understand that occasionally I'm going to need to be away. Like I was on a hunt last week,

00:06:17.520 or if I have to go to a conference or I have a speaking engagement or another opportunity to be

00:06:21.980 on a podcast or something like that. They don't take it so hard because when I'm home, I'm home

00:06:27.740 and I'm pouring into them fully. I think we run into a problem when we don't pour into our family fully,

00:06:35.580 and then we leave and us leaving to take care of ourselves compounded with the fact that even when

00:06:42.060 we were there, we weren't really emotionally and mentally present. You can, you, you combine those

00:06:49.280 two things and it's no wonder that your wife's going to be upset that you're gone or your kids

00:06:53.660 aren't going to understand why you don't want to be around them. And that's going to create some

00:06:57.740 animosity and some bitterness and some contention. So the first thing is first is that guys, we've got to

00:07:03.560 be more present when we're at home, we have to be at home. And I'm not talking about physically,

00:07:08.960 obviously physically, I'm talking about mentally. I'm talking about emotionally being there, being

00:07:15.680 present, being engaged and being fully available. This is also very difficult in my line of work

00:07:21.680 because my line of work is quite literally on this device right here. So I can take this device

00:07:27.560 and, uh, I have a hundred, a hundred percent, 24, seven access to my work, which gets in the way of

00:07:34.920 the family stuff, turn the devices off for yourself of distraction, be fully present for your family.

00:07:40.900 And you'll have an easier time reconciling this idea between taking care of them and taking care of

00:07:46.260 yourself. Number two is if you want to make sure that you're comfortable with this, then you need to

00:07:54.000 communicate these things effectively. All right. It's very, very important that you learn to be a

00:08:00.280 great communicator. Cause what I see a lot of guys do is they'll have this desire to go take care of

00:08:05.540 themselves and to serve themselves in some capacity, but they won't communicate it effectively to their

00:08:10.780 wife or their kids or whoever else may be impacted by the decisions that they're going to be making.

00:08:15.840 All right. Nobody can read your mind and you might think, Oh, my wife's good with this. 1.00

00:08:20.140 My kids understand, just assume that they don't make the assumption that they don't understand.

00:08:26.700 It's better to assume that they don't than it is to assume that they do, even if they do, but you

00:08:31.140 communicate it effectively as to why you're taking care of yourself. They're going to understand that

00:08:37.640 more. It's going to make sense to them. And they're going to be more supportive of that decision.

00:08:42.660 Speaking of supportive, I would also suggest that you become supportive of them taking care of

00:08:50.680 themselves. I know that early in my marriage, I used to get upset and, and guilt my wife when she

00:08:57.380 wanted to go hang out with her girlfriends or hang out with her family, or just spend some time for

00:09:02.040 herself. I'd make her feel bad about that. I'd make her feel guilty. And that was selfish. Bottom line,

00:09:09.000 that was selfish. It was that I wanted her there or, you know, whatever, whatever it was, it was just

00:09:13.680 a really weird thing that I did. And I'm sure that there's guys listening to this that do the same

00:09:18.220 thing because if she's gone, then you have the obligations and responsibilities. Maybe you have

00:09:22.900 to do more with the kids or pick up the slack because she's not there. And so you're going to

00:09:27.900 make your wife feel guilty for going to take care of herself. But tell me this, what right do you have

00:09:33.880 to take care of yourself? If you weren't willing to support her or your kids in taking care of

00:09:39.880 themselves? Yes, there are sacrifices. Yes. It's going to be a little bit harder. Yes. You're going

00:09:44.820 to take on some new roles and duties as your wife maybe is a way, but if you let her maybe not let, 1.00

00:09:52.820 but if you help and encourage and foster the idea that she needs to take care of herself,

00:09:58.940 then I think you'll have a less of a difficult time, uh, feeling comfortable when you're taking

00:10:05.220 care of yourself and she'll see how powerful that is for her. She'll see how powerful it is for you

00:10:10.140 when you take care of yourself and all will be better when you encourage other people to take

00:10:14.740 care of themselves. The next point that I was thinking a lot about is that we as men have an

00:10:21.020 opportunity to be an example. I mean, that's really what leadership is all about. It's about setting

00:10:25.060 the tone. It's about dictating the course of direction and it's about leading the way so that

00:10:30.640 other people can see. And I've realized that when I go out like a hunt or an activity or jujitsu or

00:10:37.700 whatever it is that I'm doing on a daily basis, that I'm showing my wife and kids, an example of

00:10:44.320 placing value in who I am as an individual, because when you value something, what do you do? You give it

00:10:50.740 time, attention, energy, resources. You invest in the thing that you value, whether that's your family

00:10:56.860 or literal investments or exercise or food, whatever it is, that's where you're going to place

00:11:03.580 your emphasis and attention. So if you value yourself, then it's safe to assume that you

00:11:09.060 should also give yourself time, attention, energy, and other resources. And when you do this and your

00:11:16.080 family sees it, then you give them permission to do the same. And you help them see and recognize

00:11:22.140 that we need to take care of ourselves individually. And the more that we take care of ourselves

00:11:27.960 individually, guys, the better off that everybody's, everybody's going to be ourselves, the people we're

00:11:33.700 serving. And that leads into the next point, which is when you leave and you invest in yourself,

00:11:39.580 you have to come back a new, improved, better version of yourself. And I'm not saying 180 degree

00:11:46.060 difference, but there has to be some measurement of improvement in your life because the people who

00:11:51.520 are impacted by you being away need to see that that's an investment, not only in you,

00:11:57.160 but it also serves them because if they recognize, Oh man, Ryan went on this hunt and he was really

00:12:03.780 stressed out before he left. And then he left for six days and he came back and he was a jerk. 1.00

00:12:08.440 And, uh, the house wasn't how he wanted. And we had to pick up all the collateral damage because 1.00

00:12:14.500 he was frustrated because he had to catch up on all his work. That's, that's not a great way to show

00:12:19.700 the people you care about that. It's good for you to go take care of yourself. Instead, you should

00:12:25.960 come back recharged, rejuvenated, more able to engage fully, to be present with them. And they

00:12:33.700 should recognize a noticeable difference. And by the way, if the activities that you're going into

00:12:38.740 engage with, to improve yourself, aren't helping you feel that way, then maybe you need to reassess

00:12:45.220 the activities that you're engaged in because they should be activities that edify you, that fulfill

00:12:50.460 you, that satisfy you, that push you in a healthy way and uplift you. And as a natural result of those

00:12:56.960 types of activities, you're going to come back a more capable, better engaged, loving father.

00:13:03.880 And if you can connect the dots by communicating, which is a point I made earlier that you're a

00:13:10.900 better person because of it, then your wife is going to encourage you to go. Your kids are going

00:13:16.580 to be happy when you go take care of yourself, guys, this is critically important things. And I

00:13:22.280 just don't want you to feel any guilt for taking care of yourself. I know some of you listening might

00:13:28.520 think, well, this is not an issue. This is not a big deal. I've never felt guilty about taking care

00:13:32.380 of myself, but I would suggest that most men have felt this way. I felt like, uh, you're jeopardizing

00:13:39.660 your other obligations. You're not, I don't want you to burn up. I don't want you to burn out. I want

00:13:45.340 you to come to the table, your relationship with the people you care about, satisfied, fulfilled,

00:13:51.880 capable. And the only way to do that is to take care of yourself is to make sure that you fill your

00:13:59.240 cup. So I hope that helps. I know this one was fairly quick today, but really there's not a lot

00:14:04.380 to it other than wrapping your head around the mindset of this is good for you. It's good to be

00:14:10.820 an example to your family. It's going to help you sustain the quality of leadership that you want to

00:14:19.120 exhibit in the walls of your home and in your business and community and the other facet of life

00:14:23.140 that you show up as a leader. And it's going to help you be more productive, more fulfilled,

00:14:28.460 more satisfied, more content with life. And then of course, help others do the same, which isn't that

00:14:33.680 the point of leadership to help other people get to a place that maybe they could not have imagined

00:14:38.820 or even had the capability of going to on their own. So, like I said, uh, as I opened this conversation

00:14:45.140 today, if you have additional thoughts, share with me on Instagram, right? I just spent a lot of time

00:14:49.780 on Instagram. If you want to connect with me, I'm very active there. Hit me up in the DMS or drop a

00:14:55.180 comment on one of my posts referencing this, which I made a couple of days ago. And that can be found

00:15:00.400 at Ryan Mickler. My last name is spelled M I C H L E R. Uh, if you're here on YouTube, make sure you

00:15:08.400 subscribe because I'm putting out, I think between the podcast and other, uh, videos that we put out,

00:15:14.660 uh, we put out anywhere between three to five videos a week. So we're very active over here

00:15:19.920 as well, but leave some comments below and let me know what thoughts you've had about taking care of

00:15:24.740 yourself and how, uh, you've reconciled the idea between taking care of yourself and also taking

00:15:30.000 care of others. All right, guys, thanks for being on the path with me in this journey and this, uh,

00:15:35.620 battle to reclaim and restore masculinity. We'll keep going. Make sure you subscribe wherever you are.

00:15:40.160 And we'll be back on Tuesday for a powerful conversation with my wife. I'm going to be 0.78

00:15:45.500 talking with my wife on the podcast because I know a lot of you guys are interested in that

00:15:49.080 and getting her perspective on some of these things as well. So tune in, subscribe, and we'll

00:15:53.740 catch you next week. Until then, go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.

00:15:58.960 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

00:16:03.480 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

00:16:10.160 We'll be right back.

Order of Man - January 10, 2020

Overcoming Guilt for Self-Improvement ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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