Overcoming Guilt for Self-Improvement ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
Episode Stats
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Summary
In this episode, Ryan talks about the guilt of self-improvement and how to reclaim the title of man. He also discusses the importance of being a good father and husband, and why it is important to take care of yourself and your family.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,
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and I am the host and founder of the podcast and the movement that is order of man. We are coming
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up, believe it or not, pretty insane for me to think about, uh, our five-year anniversary, which
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will be in May of this year. So man, what can I say other than thank you? Thank you for believing in
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what we're doing here. Uh, thank you for being inspiration and even holding me accountable to
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a degree. Uh, and thank you for stepping up as men inside the walls of your home and your businesses
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as a neighbor and your community and all the other facets of life that you're showing up as,
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uh, I want to bring you the best conversations this year. And I realized that, uh, to some degree
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over the past 12 months or so, I've been playing it a little bit safe and, uh, I've rested on my
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laurels to some degree, and I don't want to do that anymore. So come 2020, we're going to be releasing
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some new, uh, conversations with some incredible people as we have over the past four or five years
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now. Uh, but we're going to also be releasing some new products and courses and tools that you
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can use and have at your disposal to make yourself more capable as a husband, a father, a business
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owner, a community leader, every facet of life that you're showing up as, uh, and we're going to
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continue to level this thing up because as we continue to go through our lives, it's more and
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more common that I think we've fallen from the place that we once held the title of man.
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And so it's my job to reclaim and restore masculinity through this conversation, through
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those courses, through the tools and the resources that I provide to you, uh, along with my team,
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because, uh, we've got some great guys who are fully vested in what it is we're doing. And we're
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all in this together. So I've got a good one lined up for you today, guys. I want to talk with you
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about overcoming the guilt of self-improvement. Now we're rolling into 2020. Uh, it's very likely that
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you are trying to improve. Maybe you're trying to get into the gym, maybe read a little bit more,
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maybe you're taking some schooling or education or courses, but there's probably when you're on
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the path to improvement, some time that you're going to need to step away from other responsibilities
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and obligations that you have, namely your family. Uh, and the reason this, I wanted to talk
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with you about this today is because over the past week I was on a hunt. I was gone for about
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six days, uh, in Arizona. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to put everything together
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and came away with a tag that wasn't filled, but I had a great time. And I thought about a lot as I
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was sitting, trying to look for deer and trying to do the thing, why I felt completely okay with
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being gone, because this is something that I've struggled with for a very, very long time. I struggled
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with the ability to reconcile the idea that I had to take care of myself and that also I had to take
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care of others. And I think this is something that a lot of men struggle with. A lot of men deal with
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this so much so that they decide not to take care of themselves and instead pour everything into their
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family, their wife, their kids, and their other, other obligations. Now, look, this is noble. It's
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noble to want to serve others. In fact, the tenants, the core tenants of what we talk about
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with regards to masculinity, protect, provide, preside all at their most foundational and
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fundamental level have an element of service. I believe to be a good man means you need to be
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in service to those you care about and those who cannot take care of themselves. But that also means
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you, and it starts with you. If you're trying to be a protector, a provider presider to others,
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but you can't protect, provide, and preside over yourself and for yourself, it isn't going to be
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long before you burn up and burn completely out and potentially crash and burn and jeopardize what
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you're working so hard to create a family life, a family dynamic, a powerful relationship with your
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wife, deeply connected with your children. If you can't learn to take care of yourself, you jeopardize
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those relationships. But again, the major reason I think that a lot of guys don't take care of
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themselves is because the guilt associated with being gone or the guilt associated with having
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to invest potentially even at the expense of time or money or other resources with the people that we
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care about. So what I thought I'd do today is share with you some simple strategies or some simple
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thoughts, more mindsets than strategies into how I've been able to reconcile being away and serving
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myself and even being a little bit surface, a selfish, but also taking care of my family and
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realizing that I have these other obligations as a man that I'm happy to step into, but they are
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responsibilities and obligations that I feel compelled to fulfill because I've signed on the
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dotted line that says I will uphold these responsibilities and obligations. So the first thing that I'm going
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to share with you, and I'm just shooting off the hip a little bit here today. I didn't take any notes
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because again, I'm just getting back and I wanted to make sure I got this Friday field notes to you
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is that I've spent a lot of time in building up what I can only term as human capital. Now I know
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that might be, maybe not the best way to say it. Maybe you can help me with another way to say it,
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but essentially it's human capital. It's, it's resources and time and energy and sacrifices that I've
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poured into my family that I've taken care of. Um, I, I, I make those sacrifices. Uh, when I'm home,
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I try to be fully present and aware. I try to be a man of my word. I don't always get it right,
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but when I mess up, I apologize. I fixed the behavior. I fixed the situation as quickly as I
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can. And because I pour a lot of resources, time, energy, attention into my family, it's not so hard
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for them to understand that occasionally I'm going to need to be away. Like I was on a hunt last week,
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or if I have to go to a conference or I have a speaking engagement or another opportunity to be
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on a podcast or something like that. They don't take it so hard because when I'm home, I'm home
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and I'm pouring into them fully. I think we run into a problem when we don't pour into our family fully,
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and then we leave and us leaving to take care of ourselves compounded with the fact that even when
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we were there, we weren't really emotionally and mentally present. You can, you, you combine those
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two things and it's no wonder that your wife's going to be upset that you're gone or your kids
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aren't going to understand why you don't want to be around them. And that's going to create some
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animosity and some bitterness and some contention. So the first thing is first is that guys, we've got to
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be more present when we're at home, we have to be at home. And I'm not talking about physically,
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obviously physically, I'm talking about mentally. I'm talking about emotionally being there, being
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present, being engaged and being fully available. This is also very difficult in my line of work
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because my line of work is quite literally on this device right here. So I can take this device
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and, uh, I have a hundred, a hundred percent, 24, seven access to my work, which gets in the way of
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the family stuff, turn the devices off for yourself of distraction, be fully present for your family.
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And you'll have an easier time reconciling this idea between taking care of them and taking care of
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yourself. Number two is if you want to make sure that you're comfortable with this, then you need to
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communicate these things effectively. All right. It's very, very important that you learn to be a
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great communicator. Cause what I see a lot of guys do is they'll have this desire to go take care of
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themselves and to serve themselves in some capacity, but they won't communicate it effectively to their
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wife or their kids or whoever else may be impacted by the decisions that they're going to be making.
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All right. Nobody can read your mind and you might think, Oh, my wife's good with this.
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My kids understand, just assume that they don't make the assumption that they don't understand.
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It's better to assume that they don't than it is to assume that they do, even if they do, but you
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communicate it effectively as to why you're taking care of yourself. They're going to understand that
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more. It's going to make sense to them. And they're going to be more supportive of that decision.
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Speaking of supportive, I would also suggest that you become supportive of them taking care of
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themselves. I know that early in my marriage, I used to get upset and, and guilt my wife when she
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wanted to go hang out with her girlfriends or hang out with her family, or just spend some time for
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herself. I'd make her feel bad about that. I'd make her feel guilty. And that was selfish. Bottom line,
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that was selfish. It was that I wanted her there or, you know, whatever, whatever it was, it was just
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a really weird thing that I did. And I'm sure that there's guys listening to this that do the same
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thing because if she's gone, then you have the obligations and responsibilities. Maybe you have
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to do more with the kids or pick up the slack because she's not there. And so you're going to
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make your wife feel guilty for going to take care of herself. But tell me this, what right do you have
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to take care of yourself? If you weren't willing to support her or your kids in taking care of
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themselves? Yes, there are sacrifices. Yes. It's going to be a little bit harder. Yes. You're going
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to take on some new roles and duties as your wife maybe is a way, but if you let her maybe not let,
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but if you help and encourage and foster the idea that she needs to take care of herself,
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then I think you'll have a less of a difficult time, uh, feeling comfortable when you're taking
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care of yourself and she'll see how powerful that is for her. She'll see how powerful it is for you
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when you take care of yourself and all will be better when you encourage other people to take
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care of themselves. The next point that I was thinking a lot about is that we as men have an
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opportunity to be an example. I mean, that's really what leadership is all about. It's about setting
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the tone. It's about dictating the course of direction and it's about leading the way so that
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other people can see. And I've realized that when I go out like a hunt or an activity or jujitsu or
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whatever it is that I'm doing on a daily basis, that I'm showing my wife and kids, an example of
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placing value in who I am as an individual, because when you value something, what do you do? You give it
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time, attention, energy, resources. You invest in the thing that you value, whether that's your family
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or literal investments or exercise or food, whatever it is, that's where you're going to place
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your emphasis and attention. So if you value yourself, then it's safe to assume that you
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should also give yourself time, attention, energy, and other resources. And when you do this and your
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family sees it, then you give them permission to do the same. And you help them see and recognize
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that we need to take care of ourselves individually. And the more that we take care of ourselves
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individually, guys, the better off that everybody's, everybody's going to be ourselves, the people we're
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serving. And that leads into the next point, which is when you leave and you invest in yourself,
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you have to come back a new, improved, better version of yourself. And I'm not saying 180 degree
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difference, but there has to be some measurement of improvement in your life because the people who
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are impacted by you being away need to see that that's an investment, not only in you,
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but it also serves them because if they recognize, Oh man, Ryan went on this hunt and he was really
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stressed out before he left. And then he left for six days and he came back and he was a jerk.
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And, uh, the house wasn't how he wanted. And we had to pick up all the collateral damage because
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he was frustrated because he had to catch up on all his work. That's, that's not a great way to show
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the people you care about that. It's good for you to go take care of yourself. Instead, you should
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come back recharged, rejuvenated, more able to engage fully, to be present with them. And they
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should recognize a noticeable difference. And by the way, if the activities that you're going into
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engage with, to improve yourself, aren't helping you feel that way, then maybe you need to reassess
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the activities that you're engaged in because they should be activities that edify you, that fulfill
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you, that satisfy you, that push you in a healthy way and uplift you. And as a natural result of those
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types of activities, you're going to come back a more capable, better engaged, loving father.
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And if you can connect the dots by communicating, which is a point I made earlier that you're a
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better person because of it, then your wife is going to encourage you to go. Your kids are going
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to be happy when you go take care of yourself, guys, this is critically important things. And I
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just don't want you to feel any guilt for taking care of yourself. I know some of you listening might
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think, well, this is not an issue. This is not a big deal. I've never felt guilty about taking care
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of myself, but I would suggest that most men have felt this way. I felt like, uh, you're jeopardizing
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your other obligations. You're not, I don't want you to burn up. I don't want you to burn out. I want
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you to come to the table, your relationship with the people you care about, satisfied, fulfilled,
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capable. And the only way to do that is to take care of yourself is to make sure that you fill your
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cup. So I hope that helps. I know this one was fairly quick today, but really there's not a lot
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to it other than wrapping your head around the mindset of this is good for you. It's good to be
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an example to your family. It's going to help you sustain the quality of leadership that you want to
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exhibit in the walls of your home and in your business and community and the other facet of life
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that you show up as a leader. And it's going to help you be more productive, more fulfilled,
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more satisfied, more content with life. And then of course, help others do the same, which isn't that
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the point of leadership to help other people get to a place that maybe they could not have imagined
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or even had the capability of going to on their own. So, like I said, uh, as I opened this conversation
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today, if you have additional thoughts, share with me on Instagram, right? I just spent a lot of time
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on Instagram. If you want to connect with me, I'm very active there. Hit me up in the DMS or drop a
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comment on one of my posts referencing this, which I made a couple of days ago. And that can be found
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at Ryan Mickler. My last name is spelled M I C H L E R. Uh, if you're here on YouTube, make sure you
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subscribe because I'm putting out, I think between the podcast and other, uh, videos that we put out,
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uh, we put out anywhere between three to five videos a week. So we're very active over here
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as well, but leave some comments below and let me know what thoughts you've had about taking care of
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yourself and how, uh, you've reconciled the idea between taking care of yourself and also taking
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care of others. All right, guys, thanks for being on the path with me in this journey and this, uh,
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battle to reclaim and restore masculinity. We'll keep going. Make sure you subscribe wherever you are.
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And we'll be back on Tuesday for a powerful conversation with my wife. I'm going to be
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talking with my wife on the podcast because I know a lot of you guys are interested in that
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and getting her perspective on some of these things as well. So tune in, subscribe, and we'll
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catch you next week. Until then, go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.
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Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
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and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.