Overcoming Insecurities and Preparing for Parenthood ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 10 minutes
Summary
In this episode, Ryan and Kip talk about what it means to be a man and how to stay on top of your game when things don't go your way. They also talk about the dangers of falling on your sword and why it's important to have a fighting spirit.
Transcript
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Sometimes we have this idea that a real man just falls on his sword.
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Like, have you seen the movie The Last Samurai?
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And so the main samurai was defeated and he was going to kill himself.
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And so Tom Cruise's character was like, no, you're not going to kill yourself.
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And this main samurai character really came to love and appreciate Tom Cruise's character because of that fighting spirit.
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I don't think it's noble to fall on your sword.
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Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time.
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At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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I think that's actually historically true as well.
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I don't think it's just the last two or three weeks.
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I think it's the last five years or however long we've been doing this for.
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I usually make a document with the questions, and the document for today is 300.
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That's not an exact, like I might be off a little bit.
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You might be finally getting our feet under us.
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I was going to say, you'd think I'd be better at this by now with 300 tries, but maybe we
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10,000 hours before you're actually great at something?
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I think I'm at about 1,500, close to 1,500 podcast episodes now.
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And it's pretty amazing how far it goes if you just stick to it long enough.
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Sometimes though I wonder, and maybe not wonder, but my personality is one that sometimes gets
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And when I do, I have enough discipline to keep doing it because my efforts are so tied
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But I think at times I end up on cruise control.
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And that's one thing that I don't want to have happen with this podcast or the movement
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is that you just coast because you're so good at whatever it is you're doing.
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Because you've been doing it for a long time that you forget to grow and develop and get
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But I think that's probably a natural tendency for all of us where if we're not intentional
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about improving and doing AARs and seeing what we can improve, it's a very natural human
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And think about all the scenarios by which we might coast in life.
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Our marriages, being a parent, how we show up at work, podcasts, it's so easy to do.
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And I think I've talked about this in the past.
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I actually think it's even worse than just coasting because coasting makes it sound like
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It's, you know, people will use the analogy of cruise control.
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Well, okay, well, that will maintain your speed, but there is no cruise control in life.
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So if you're going down the road and you're going at 80 miles an hour, and yes, we can
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do that here in Utah, you're going probably Texas too.
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You're going down the road 80 miles an hour and you let your foot off the pedal.
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It's not like you're going to stay at 80 miles an hour.
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You're going to gradually slow down and eventually come to a halt.
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If you don't stay on top of it and stay vigilant.
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How do you, Ryan, when it comes to this podcast and even everything around order of man and
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iron council, not lose sight that, that it's, that it's not an echo chamber because sometimes,
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you know, we've talked about this a little bit is we get on the podcast, we talk and, and
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sometimes I do question like, are we really moving the needle here?
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It feels like we're saying the same things over and over.
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How do you ensure that, that you stay motivated or just inspired or connected to your vision
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in a way that you don't fall into that trap of just an echo chamber?
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Cause I know it's not like when I think about it, cause I get messages and every so often
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Like this is really important, but it's hard to, to keep that on the forefront of my mind
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I think, I think you brought up a really good point.
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I get so many messages throughout the day from men who are impacted in a positive way
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So it's a constant reminder that we're doing the right things.
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But I also get a lot of messages from men who are really struggling in their marriage
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And so I know, man, we need to do a better job serving these people.
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And I also want to be really clear about something.
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Obviously echo chamber has a negative connotation because you're just talking to each other and
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what you're saying is just being said right back to you.
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So there's no new stimulus coming in, but people have at times, and I see this a lot on
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social media seem to think that just because you don't want it to be an echo chamber, then
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you should allow all sorts of ideas into the movement.
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We can entertain those ideas and we can think about them and ponder them and really decide
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if they're valuable and if they're virtuous ideas.
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But ultimately, of course, there's a set of core principles with the order of man movement.
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I made a post the other day about eight or nine masculine political positions.
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And I thought I made a pretty compelling case that I look at it through the lens of protect,
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And my thought is, if you don't agree with it, you're welcome to leave.
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Like, but these are the core tenets of what it means to be a man.
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And some people will say, well, that's just your opinion.
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Now, I try to make the case for why protect, provide, preside is such a great way to view
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But if you don't agree with that foundational principle, this is just not it.
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And I'm not obligated or even feel all that compelled to move my mission around.
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So you'll feel more comfortable with your opinion that might directly contrast with ours.
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When it's weird that we get, we get into these thoughts like that thought where we demonize
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something, you know, really similar last week, I was having a conversation with someone and
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I got some feedback around me being so passionate around what I'm doing and I'm committed to
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And, and the feedback was a little bit like that's negative.
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And I was like, no, actually don't you want me to be highly abated and highly confident
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Like it'd be much worse if I was like, well, you know, it all depends.
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And, and now we're not going anywhere like, but it's funny when you do that and you're
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like, oh, well, they're so stern or they're so like passionate and committed to it.
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It's like, yeah, maybe we should be, otherwise I shouldn't be doing it.
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And so it's, it's funny how we have these little thoughts, you know, but anyhow, I just
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think that softness has permeated every little fabric of society.
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So anytime you say something that might conflict with somebody else's worldview, uh, or that
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might be threatening to themselves or the way they see life, or maybe even potentially
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even, uh, critical of the way that they're living their life, heaven forbid you offend
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somebody, but being kind and being nice, although I think can be virtuous are not our highest
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So they are being kind is an important thing, but it's not my most important thing.
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Not at the sake of other things that are more important.
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Sometimes it might seem like I do, but that's because I'm willing to, I'm willing to sacrifice
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that in order to share what I think is true and what I think will lead men to a good life.
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There's a lot of movements out there that I don't agree with at all.
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Like I'm not part of those movements and I don't ask those people to change their movement.
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I asked them to come over to our side, but I don't ask them to change their movement.
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More than 200,000 pounds of a popular deli meat brand recalled nationwide, 200,000 pounds.
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And I was reading through this article and it was saying that, I guess this was the end
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of July, uh, 34 people have been infected in 13 states, including 33 hospitalizations
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So it doesn't appear to be a, a huge, from, from deli meat.
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But it's like contaminated with what, do you know?
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Yeah, and, and it's probably not, it says here, it's a situation in which there is a
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reasonable probability that the use of or exposure to of a violative product that will
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cause serious adverse health consequences or death.
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But that's really all it says in this article anyways.
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That's, uh, oh, contaminated with listeria, fever, chills, headache, nausea, diarrhea, convulsions,
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It's also life-threatening for people who are 65 years of age or older, people who are
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200,000 pounds, I don't really know, actually, is probably not a lot in the grand scheme of
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And 34 people hospitalized is not a lot in the grand scheme of things either.
00:11:01.700
But I thought it was a perfect segue into, as men, when we talk about being protectors,
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providers, presiders, I think there's something that I've latched onto over the past eight years
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that will help you do that, uh, with regards to the food that you're introducing your family
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And this is a very, very important thing, not only because are you risking contaminants,
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but you're also stacking on all sorts of potential health issues, especially when we
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start to get into genetically modified meat, which is going to be more and more common and
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these impossible type meats, which isn't really meat at all.
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So I think what, what you ought to be doing is a couple of things, source, sourcing your
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And you can do that in a couple of different ways.
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I'm talking about vegetables and fruits and that's really all you need.
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If you guys are not into hunting and want to be, that's obviously going to be a huge
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Uh, there's also opportunities if you have land to buy cattle, I've realized that's a
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little bit prohibitive for a lot of people, but you could also go in with somebody, a family
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member or family members that might have land and you can split, split a cow.
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Uh, there's also a lot of co-ops that will do this.
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And then there's other little area, little, um, I say little, and they are, they're smaller
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ranches that are going direct to consumer and, and cutting out a lot of the, the middlemen
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and the processing that takes place with some of these larger, uh, companies.
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I had him on the podcast like two or three weeks ago and his company is little belt cattle
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AJ Richards is another person who I went to Iraq with.
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Um, he's doing a lot of good work in brokering these small cattle ranches and then delivering
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And then the co-op thing also works for fruits and vegetables and, or growing your own garden.
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So I just wanted to take, take a moment to talk about the importance of sourcing your
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own food, not only because it could potentially be contaminated, but because your own food is
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healthy and also if food supply chains get cut off, you're in a significantly better position
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to make sure that your family has food and can sustain some, some way of life.
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So there's a lot of reasons why I think it's really important that men start thinking about,
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uh, how to, how to source their own food and make sure those, uh, channels are backed up
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so they can provide for their family the way they need to.
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Well, my headline is really similar to kind of what we've been talking about, not losing
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And, and that's what I was impressed with RFKs stepping down, uh, from, from running for
00:14:05.620
I'm not sure if you watched his video where he talks about why he's doing it and it was
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really, I watched some of it and it was somber.
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And it was, it was kind of like, I loved it in so many ways.
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Like the fact that he's like, Hey, I'm, I'm at this age.
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I probably have 10 years left, you know, until my life's over.
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And, and the whole purpose I got on this path to begin with was to drive awareness around
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And, and I, and more or less he hasn't lost sight of it.
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And so he, the, his pivot is in line with that greater vision and purpose.
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I was just inspired by the fact that it, it's super clear, uh, he was convicted in it and
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the idea that in life we have to pivot and, and back to our earlier conversation, how critical
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is that we don't lose sight of what we're about and why we're doing what we're doing.
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I mean, I'm sure it even more so running it for president, all the opportunities to feel
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like you get your ego involved and make it about something else.
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And, and this guy, um, in, in my opinion, very honorably, uh, is stepping down and, but
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I think it ties in line with what we've talked about a lot too, which is the mission first.
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You know, and, and there was no path to victory for, for him at the, at that point.
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And so putting that mission of health first, it is funny though, because even if he, if
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he ends up with a cabinet position under Trump, you know, you look at, you can sometimes just
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look at people and know, you know, this is a, this is a better person for the job than
00:15:57.480
And that is, that is nowhere more truer than in some of these health ministries and health
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Um, I just pulled this up because I didn't know the official title, but the assistant
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secretary for health of the United States department of health and human services is first of all,
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a man, uh, that goes by Rachel Levine, Admiral Rachel Levine, excuse me.
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I mean, he's not healthy, not healthy, obese, clearly mental illness and some mental issues
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And this is the director or the secretary, excuse me, for the health of, uh, health and human
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It is insane, insane who we're taking advice from and who we're listening to on some of
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So I do like that, um, RFK has a very heavy, um, health conscious agenda, uh, or platform.
00:17:02.740
Um, I don't agree with a lot of, a lot of the things that he says.
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I listened to him on, I think it was the Sean Ryan show.
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Um, you know, he, he's no conservative, but I think he brings some, uh, really powerful
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options to the table specifically in the realm of health.
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And totally, hopefully we, uh, we see how it goes.
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Let's all hope we're as healthy as he is at, at what?
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The guy is, you know, he's jacked and shredded.
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Well, and it goes back to what you said earlier, right?
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Like there, there's a level of sovereignty of how we source our food, but also like be
00:17:41.720
I mean, look at the, you don't have to look very far.
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And you tell me if that is good guidance, it's a joke, right?
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So if you're relying on the government and grocery stores to, to help you determine what's
00:17:59.500
You know, you need to own that in very serious ways.
00:18:02.560
I think really what it comes down to is people are just lazy and they're so bombarded with
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information and all we want to do is be entertained.
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So if it takes a little bit of effort, like going to the grocery store and staying on the
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outside of the, the, uh, the grocery store and hitting the outside aisles, right?
00:18:23.340
That's the common thing you hear for health, uh, or, or not going to McDonald's, bringing
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your kids to McDonald's, that's all it takes, you know, but people will make excuses.
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Well, what's interesting about this is everything is harmonious and relies on something else.
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So people will often say, well, it's, it's so expensive and I don't have the money.
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Well, what if you ate healthy and got in shape?
00:18:59.880
Do you think maybe you'd pick up a couple of new clients this week?
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Cause you have more energy and enthusiasm about your job.
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Do you think maybe your employers would start acknowledging that?
00:19:10.540
You know, look at Ryan, like he's doing this and doing that.
00:19:12.940
He's making deals and he needs to be promoted or we need to give him a raise.
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Do you think maybe with all of that extra weight that you lose and you start getting in shape
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and you build up energy that you might have a few hours throughout the week to start a
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So I know it's expensive and I know that we have these excuses, but if we start to address
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them, everything else starts to work itself out.
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So we're going to field questions from the gram, from Instagram to follow Mr. Mickler
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I said, ask me anything, not ask me everything.
00:20:10.320
I recently found out that I'm going to be a father.
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And I was wondering as a man, what could you have done differently to prepare for your
00:20:22.600
first child that you know you should have done?
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He mentions that he's, you know, trying to get, make sure his fitness dialed in, right?
00:20:31.060
But is there something mentally, physically, or emotionally that you wish you would have
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done that goes beyond the first Google questions of what to prepare for?
00:20:41.740
I think emotionally and mentally, the best thing to do is not to overprepare, actually,
00:20:47.100
because there isn't anything that you can do that will adequately prepare you for it.
00:20:51.800
So you might end up just totally stressing yourself and your wife out.
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Because the expectations you're going to create because of that, right?
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And then you'll start thinking, well, the baby's not sleeping the way they should.
00:21:08.140
And like, we talked about this and she shouldn't be mad.
00:21:10.680
Like, her homegrown level should be where they need to be.
00:21:16.720
So basically, I would have just taken my plan and just ripped it up and thrown it out the window
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Sometimes I wish I had a better answer for you as to, oh, just do this and do that and do this.
00:21:31.940
I think based on you even just asking the question and some of what I heard,
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you're already doing exactly what you need to be doing.
00:21:38.900
The only other thing that I would give you is let go of the expectations.
00:21:44.580
Let go of the way you think it ought to be or the way your child should behave or isn't behaving,
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the way your wife should show up, the way your house should look, the way your schedule should run.
00:21:55.000
Let go of some of that and just let it play out.
00:22:05.640
And there's a lot, especially in this new time, that are uncontrollable things.
00:22:15.440
Get your work done as much as you can while you're at work.
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Learn to recognize and acknowledge what your wife might be feeling and experiencing
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Because she's not going to have a breather at all.
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If she's a little mad at you or a little upset, don't take it personally.
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I just think if I was going to do it differently with my uptight personality,
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I would have brought it down 20 degrees and just chilled a little bit.
00:22:51.660
The only thing I'd add is when you're flexible and you decide on taking action towards things,
00:23:01.120
Because these are the areas of life where what we end up doing is we end up doing everything
00:23:06.240
together because, like, you want to be extra supportive, but it may not make sense.
00:23:10.880
Like, it may not make sense for both of you to get up and take care of the baby.
00:23:14.960
And you want to be up because she's up and you feel obligated to.
00:23:18.180
And you want her to know that you're supporting when what you should be doing is probably sleeping
00:23:29.000
Clarify some roles and responsibilities of what you're doing versus what she's doing.
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I know it's not sexy conversation to have, but define those things so you can own what
00:23:40.680
And then continue to be flexible as she might need things.
00:23:46.380
Well, and your last point of continuing to be flexible as she might need things is one
00:23:52.500
Just make sure you're checking in because, again, if you're over communicating what role
00:23:57.580
goes with where, it may not be exactly right for the first little while.
00:24:05.280
If she gets up because she's breastfeeding the baby and you're sleeping in, I promise
00:24:11.620
you she's going to be mad at you, even though you already talked about it.
00:24:15.520
And even though she knows, logically, it is the right thing, she's still going to be mad
00:24:25.580
Like, hey, hon, how's this arrangement working?
00:24:30.160
Is there anything I can help out or need to know so we can make sure this works better?
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So that falls in line with communication as well.
00:24:37.120
But don't just set the expectation or the communication and then never follow up with
00:24:54.660
I think, you know, you can give the cookie cutter answers, but I think my biggest insecurity
00:25:01.940
is I'll give to, I do think I have a little bit of a fear of abandonment, a little bit
00:25:16.900
It's not debilitating by any means or debilitating.
00:25:21.160
I always say debilitating, but it's debilitating.
00:25:25.260
It's something I'm keenly aware of and it's something that I can actually sit in because
00:25:31.540
And so I can acknowledge when things aren't going exactly right in relationships or, you
00:25:39.200
know, a conversation I might have with somebody.
00:25:46.100
The other one that I have, and this one is coming to light more recently, is I have
00:25:57.200
Just being this random person at some random time, not doing anything meaningful or significant
00:26:07.820
And maybe I feel that as I get a little older or as I've had my own personal failures and
00:26:12.820
setbacks, I can see like, I need to change and adjust this.
00:26:16.220
But I also noticed that when people are doing what I perceive to be significant, it bothers
00:26:26.380
I should be, but it's like, well, why am I not there?
00:26:29.700
And it's more of a resentment or a jealousy popping up.
00:26:32.860
So that's one I have to work through a little bit still a lot, I'm sure.
00:26:37.580
But the, the idea of being insignificant, I know people say, well, you're not insignificant
00:26:44.840
Of course, I want to be significant to my kids and I want to be more significant than
00:26:52.340
I'll have to work through that one a little bit.
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I honestly believe, I don't know if other guys feel this way or if this is arrogant, but
00:27:01.840
I've had this thought in my mind for probably 20 years that I'm just meant to do something
00:27:07.800
I, I've never once believe, I shouldn't say never believed, but for a very long time, I've
00:27:14.920
always just believed that God has put me here at this time with the set of skills, with
00:27:20.320
the experience I have to do something really, really powerful to make a difference in people's
00:27:27.940
It's that I can be a catalyst, his hand and a catalyst for growth in, in people's lives.
00:27:34.460
And I've, and I've, I've seen it like that for a long time.
00:27:37.360
And I, sometimes I wonder, okay, well, when's that going to happen?
00:27:44.340
And I just don't recognize it because it's hard to see it when you're in it.
00:27:47.440
You know, we've built this incredible movement.
00:27:52.460
Well, and what's tough about that too, is that also comes with a hindsight of like looking
00:28:02.040
Like, did I take advantage of what I had, you know, in, in the, in the moments that I
00:28:07.660
had, or should I have shown up more powerfully?
00:28:09.560
And you start wondering that, is that the case?
00:28:16.900
Um, one thing I think I do fairly well is I can chalk up past experiences pretty quickly
00:28:27.080
And so I don't dwell on, I don't dwell in a negative way on what could have or should have
00:28:33.900
I've just had an ability to translate that to do better.
00:28:42.060
Cause I don't, you know, guys will talk about dealing with depression and even suicidal thoughts.
00:28:47.160
I mean, I've been depressed, not chronically depressed, but I've, I've been down.
00:28:52.840
Um, there's been times in my life where I thought, would the world be better without
00:28:57.360
Or maybe I'll just stop, step out in front of that truck sometime this afternoon, but
00:29:01.500
never to the point where I'm sitting on the edge of the bed with the gun in my mouth.
00:29:07.500
And I think a large part of the reason that is, is because I don't dwell on things negatively
00:29:14.620
And so I'm able to get myself out of that quickly through action.
00:29:31.280
What I find interesting, let me ask you this, and this, this might be getting a little personal.
00:29:35.060
Um, have you ever been in a scenario by which, um, abandonment is obvious?
00:29:42.980
Like you're in a situation where you feel that and there's a sense of gratification of
00:29:56.060
You're validating your insecurity is what I hear.
00:29:59.900
And, and the, the, the pay, the sick payoff of that, you're probably right around being
00:30:06.940
Are you, do you think you're, do you think, I don't do that, that I know of.
00:30:12.340
I have, there's been crystal clear moments in time where I have felt abandoned and there's
00:30:18.160
probably like five or six of them I could just rattle off off the top of my head, but
00:30:27.880
My mentality is like, whether it's healthy or not, my mentality has been, well, you just
00:30:38.160
And I'm not saying those are healthy ways to cope with it.
00:30:40.320
So please don't misinterpret that, but it's forward thinking.
00:30:43.540
It's not like dwelling it and are, do you think if you do that, do you, are you punishing
00:30:56.000
So everyone listening, you are like, but there's been scenarios by which I, I have that feeling
00:31:01.740
of abandonment and there's a sick sense of gratification from it being true.
00:31:13.600
I think it's just upbringing and like all these feelings of abandonment that when, when
00:31:18.640
there's a thought of it actually happening, or I think it might be like, I might be in
00:31:23.760
a, in the space of being, feeling abandoned, that there's this kind of sick satisfaction
00:31:33.060
And it's also like affirming in, in some horrible way.
00:31:38.240
I mean, you are also a bit of a masochist as well.
00:31:52.500
Well, I do want to get into, because I, I think this is a really good question.
00:31:59.720
It's not important what our insecurities are for you to hear them.
00:32:03.720
What's important is how do we address them and deal with them?
00:32:10.160
Number one, you, you have to acknowledge it and be honest with yourself.
00:32:16.020
I even stumbled over my words, sharing some of those things.
00:32:19.040
I even know that about myself and I still don't want to talk about it and share it because
00:32:23.620
it makes me feel weak and pathetic and cowardly and soft.
00:32:32.480
And the best way that you can understand what your insecurities are is that when things are
00:32:37.400
going wrong in your life, what about your actions or behaviors is making it worse?
00:32:47.300
And if, and, and, and that's how, you know, because a lot of times you don't know when
00:32:52.560
No, you know, if things are going worse, it's because your insecurities are dealing with it.
00:32:58.680
So if you're in a relationship and you guys get into an argument and you just decide you're
00:33:06.060
just going to blow up the relationship and step out on her or, uh, dump her or ask for
00:33:13.660
divorce or whatever, okay, that you're making the problem worse than it needs to be.
00:33:20.440
If you're at work and you get passed over for a promotion, we all know logically the
00:33:26.000
healthy thing would be, let me talk with my boss, figure out what's going on, improve
00:33:37.180
But what we do is, oh, well, you know, office politics.
00:33:41.040
And then you start talking about why that guy shouldn't have got the promotion and why
00:33:46.740
And you start spreading rumors and you start trying to sabotage him.
00:33:49.960
You start looking for other jobs because they don't appreciate you.
00:34:05.020
If I feel that way, what makes me feel that way?
00:34:08.020
In these situations, what can I do more effectively?
00:34:14.560
And also therapy, you know, talking with somebody who can work you through where those
00:34:20.600
I don't like therapy that is non-actionable, where you're just sitting, talking about all
00:34:30.060
Because that's actually, to me, going to make it worse.
00:34:32.540
Now I'm just justifying why I feel like a loser.
00:34:37.620
Instead, I'd rather focus on therapy that says, hey, that's where that came from.
00:34:42.860
Here's some things that you can do to address that, like journal and read and spend time
00:34:47.900
And a lot of what, I heard a podcast today was from Jocko.
00:34:55.120
And he was referencing something that he heard from Tim Ferriss.
00:34:59.400
And he said in these, and I halfway agree with it, maybe 80% agree with it and 20% don't.
00:35:07.160
Tim Ferriss says, in these moments, you have to get out of your head and into your body.
00:35:13.720
And specifically what he's referring to is go to the gym, eat right, go for a walk, like
00:35:31.000
Now a lot of that will, yeah, a lot of it will actually make you feel better, right?
00:35:34.980
If you go to the gym, this morning I went to the gym and I worked hard.
00:35:45.540
But I didn't address any underlying issues from stuff that I dealt with last week.
00:35:54.780
Those things are going to pop up in a week, in a month, in a year, because I never actually
00:36:01.620
And sometimes we just need to sit in our head a little bit and start to process.
00:36:07.360
But it's not like the echo chamber that we're talking about.
00:36:10.760
It's thinking about it, processing it, talking out loud with people, and journaling and writing
00:36:21.680
I don't even know about thinking through it as much just like working through it.
00:36:25.680
Because there's a lot of feelings too that, and it's okay to have those feelings.
00:36:30.820
I think if you're just critically thinking about it, it just goes to logic.
00:36:39.360
So let's address why you actually feel that way.
00:36:45.140
You know, the one thing, so statistically, by the way, there's been studies that literally
00:36:50.540
just taking action towards something, like addressing it, will immediately put people in
00:36:59.040
Most victim mindsets where people feel hopeless, it's because they're sitting in the space of
00:37:05.920
this is still outside of my realm of control versus identifying what is within the realm
00:37:14.780
And one thing that I've really latched onto is anything by which I'm waiting and hoping
00:37:25.040
That's kind of like my, oh, that's an area that needs to take some action.
00:37:30.400
And I don't know if it was on a previous episode a couple of weeks ago, but I had this
00:37:35.600
thought, and I've been thinking about it more and more of late, the correlation between
00:37:40.620
my ability to have empathy towards others gives me the reps to have more empathy towards
00:37:48.640
And I really think that people that are not very empathetic generally are not empathetic
00:37:55.720
And, and so there's some power in kind of seeing how much empathy you have towards other
00:38:03.020
individuals and that will kind of soften your heart towards your own struggles at the same
00:38:11.640
Um, I wrote one other thing down here, Kip, that you said, driving yourself towards action.
00:38:18.700
So a guy messaged me the other day and he said, cause I'd put a post on Instagram.
00:38:30.980
Like sometimes you just have to sit in it, experience it, and then you can get on about
00:38:35.240
And I said, if you need to message me or call me, you can.
00:38:37.400
And this guy did, he messaged me and he was really struggling with depression.
00:38:43.360
He's going through a whole litany of challenging things in his life from separating and losing
00:38:54.620
I said, what one thing, oh, he's dealing with some health issues too.
00:38:58.500
I said, what one thing can you do to improve any of those departments right now?
00:39:11.600
And he messaged me back and he said, hey, man, I got, I went into the gym this morning
00:39:24.080
That's do that again tomorrow and the next day and the next day.
00:39:28.420
But I also told him, I said, the one thing though, is you don't, don't wrap up the feeling
00:39:35.000
in the way that you look, wrap up the feeling in the way that you feel about yourself, not
00:39:42.660
physically, but how you feel about you as a person.
00:39:48.680
The way you look, your physical body is just a manifestation about the way that you feel
00:39:52.960
And when it comes to building confidence, for example, it's not getting the date with the
00:40:02.760
It's that you prove to yourself that you could do something that you were either afraid of
00:40:15.480
It's that you're proving that you can actually overcome hard things.
00:40:19.820
And then the result is just the manifestation of you overcoming the challenging thing.
00:40:24.660
So wrap up the identity in the fact that you're disciplined, you're strong, you're courageous,
00:40:41.140
What age is too late to start a family or is it ever too late?
00:40:48.360
Yeah, I would say it is too late, but there's some biology.
00:40:55.980
Not so much for men as it is for women, though, but sure, there's some biology.
00:41:00.560
But my answer is, yeah, it's too late if you start thinking about what your life will look
00:41:07.660
Because right now you're thinking, let's say you're 65 years old.
00:41:14.260
You're like, you know, I'd really like to have a kid.
00:41:22.260
But in 10 years, he or she is going to be in dance and sports and school and have friends.
00:41:29.760
And you got to run them here and run them there and do this and do that.
00:41:36.760
So I think there's a little pre-planning when it comes to building a family is, okay, this
00:41:46.100
In 10 years, am I going to want to have a 10-year-old?
00:41:51.060
If the answer is, yeah, I could actually see that.
00:41:53.320
Like I could see coaching his teams or going to her dance recitals.
00:42:01.380
And you could actually see yourself being a good and engaged father at that age, 10,
00:42:12.560
I also think there's something to be said for starting a family young too.
00:42:15.720
You know, you're young and everybody's learning and growing together.
00:42:19.360
And you've got the energy and the stamina and you're excited and you don't have as many
00:42:26.780
And then by the time you do get a little older, kids are now going to be moving out of the
00:42:31.380
house and you're going to have your house back with your wife.
00:42:39.320
You still have energy to play with the kids and the grandkids.
00:42:43.400
Not to mention just the tremendous growth that comes from raising kids.
00:42:48.100
I can't think of anything that could help you become a better man than raising a child.
00:42:53.300
But I will say as a caveat, don't do it just because you want to become a better man.
00:42:58.880
Like actually have a good motive for doing it, knowing it's going to help you realize
00:43:05.960
Rough Sea Sailors Club is struggling through a job you hate for the family noble or is it
00:43:24.520
Is it noble to struggle so that you can put food on your kids?
00:43:32.320
Like we've all done work that we hate in order to realize benefits for our family.
00:43:47.520
Now, you might not be able to change that today.
00:43:50.260
But I think if you're in a dead-end job that's miserable, that you hate,
00:43:55.300
if you're not thinking about how to improve your career over the next one year, two years,
00:44:01.320
five years, ten years, that's not noble either.
00:44:13.240
So sure, nobility and providing for your family and doing what you need to do.
00:44:17.280
And also teach them that, hey, we're in this position that we don't like.
00:44:23.040
Then we work towards getting ourselves in a better position.
00:44:29.420
I think the nobility thing comes, the last thing I was going to say on that, Kip,
00:44:33.600
I think the nobility thing comes from sometimes we have this idea that a real man just falls on his sword.
00:44:43.520
Like, have you seen the movie The Last Samurai?
00:44:49.260
And the main samurai, and I don't know if this is historically accurate about the way they see things.
00:44:57.580
I mean, obviously the movie's not, but the way they view it is that killing yourself after defeat is honorable.
00:45:04.500
I don't know if that's really the way samurais feel or if that's just what was portrayed in the movie.
00:45:09.220
And so this, the main samurai was defeated and he was going to kill himself.
00:45:20.240
And so Tom Cruise's character was like, no, you're not going to kill yourself.
00:45:27.180
And this main samurai character really came to love and appreciate Tom Cruise's character because of that fighting spirit.
00:45:35.140
I don't think it's noble to fall on your sword.
00:45:41.720
Now, certain situations may require that of you, but I'm going to fight and claw and scratch and dig and do whatever I can do until when and if that day comes that I'm required or compelled to fall on my sword.
00:46:00.260
So I don't think there's any honor in letting that happen sooner than it needs to.
00:46:06.980
Well, and in the spirit of having a fighting, in that vein of having a fighting spirit, it's like struggling through a job.
00:46:14.860
So you're showing up powerfully in that job, right?
00:46:16.940
Your energy is being brought to the table and you're doing a great job and you have integrity in regards to how the job should be done.
00:46:26.360
Most cases, you're struggling in your job, you're showing up poorly, you're not giving it your all, you're not fully engaged.
00:46:34.020
And so maybe another way of looking at this is struggling with your job or like fully engaged.
00:46:38.980
Being fully engaged with whatever it is that you're engaged in until you're not.
00:46:46.100
And there's honor in that, even if it's a challenge and a difficulty and a struggle for you.
00:47:00.000
This is a bit ironic and cruel, but being fully engaged in work that you hate will actually create opportunities for you to find work that you love.
00:47:10.760
And I don't know that it's always found over there.
00:47:14.360
I think it's found and developed where you are.
00:47:18.200
And over there might happen only if you do what you can do here.
00:47:26.020
It's fascinating to think how often we are looking elsewhere for success and growth when in reality all that we need to do is just win where we are and show up powerfully.
00:47:47.560
What do you feel are three vital skills I should be teaching them at this age?
00:48:03.420
I think at five and six they can start to learn that.
00:48:05.760
To go back to working well with others, I'm talking about with toys.
00:48:10.080
I'm talking about getting them involved in sports and activities where they're all together.
00:48:16.360
Delayed gratification, meaning, hey, you know, no dessert until you finish what's on your plate.
00:48:21.400
We're not going to go play with your friends until our house and room is straight and clean.
00:48:31.860
The only other thing is like this is at that age, especially, he said, boys.
00:48:36.780
So like learning when to play rough and be competitive and when to be gentle.
00:48:45.800
I have a five to six year old right now and this is our balance.
00:48:55.580
But I'm also trying to teach him like there's times and periods and we need to be nicer with mom and sisters, you know, and we can rough house, right?
00:49:10.720
That's a really – and I think maybe more often than not, especially with boys, we're trying to bring out the more civilized side of them, right?
00:49:25.300
That's the thing most of society will do because, look, when they start going to school, it's sit down, shut up, color within the lines, don't back talk, raise your hand if you need to go to the bathroom, raise your hand if you want to talk.
00:49:38.920
Like, and some of that needs to happen, okay, in a teaching environment, I understand.
00:49:50.160
Like the zero tolerance policy at school, when a kid gets into a fight sticking up for somebody who is getting bullied, he gets suspended.
00:50:03.300
You know, there's instances where it would make sense and there's instances where that guy ought to be celebrated at the next assembly in front of the school for being a hero.
00:50:11.660
He's not sent home because he got in trouble like he was creating problems.
00:50:16.240
So most of society is pushing towards softness and even feminization of our young boys.
00:50:24.380
And so, yes, some of that is needed to temper the other side of it.
00:50:28.420
But they need to have that outlet, and that's why sports, jiu-jitsu, roughhouse with their father, that's why that stuff is so important.
00:50:38.880
The other thing that comes to mind actually now listening to you, Ryan, is being expressive.
00:50:45.560
I've noticed that with Koa a little bit right now is like he wants to naturally kind of bottle up and get mad and not talk it through.
00:51:02.800
You know, let's work through it versus just being angry and throwing things around.
00:51:07.120
So there's a little bit of just dealing with that emotion, sitting with it.
00:51:12.540
Like, oh, maybe I misunderstood because I thought you were saying that you talked about bottling up.
00:51:19.920
And so I think a lot of people will do that, and that might be like an avoidant attachment where people bottle up and they retreat and withdraw.
00:51:28.800
Because I have some of that with my kids, and I struggle with how do I get them to express and talk and be open?
00:51:35.500
Well, at five, it's a little – I can use some authority with him that I probably wouldn't use with my daughters.
00:51:42.740
But with him, it's, hey, we have to talk about it.
00:51:48.020
You can wait five minutes or whatever if you're frustrated, but we need to talk through it.
00:51:54.220
And then it's usually me sitting on the floor, eye-to-eye level.
00:51:58.140
And then I try not to be upset at anything he says because otherwise I'm going to shoot down him being expressive and demonize his feelings, if that makes sense.
00:52:11.480
And so I just try to let him express and talk about his frustration.
00:52:16.480
And then I've been really trying to be like, okay, so what are we going to do about it?
00:52:23.660
I'm like, got it, but what can you do about it?
00:52:27.760
Like I keep bringing it back like, so what can you do about it?
00:52:30.060
Well, maybe I won't play with her for right now.
00:52:36.100
But it's always back to what are you going to do about it versus let's demonize someone outside my realm of control and let me fester in trying to control people, right?
00:52:45.520
I just try to always move to what are you going to do?
00:52:50.920
I think some of the struggles I've been bumping up against, I know a lot of guys do as well.
00:52:55.860
Well, as you were saying that, I was thinking about a lot of guys who are also avoidance, who would never be willing to have that conversation with their kids because they'd rather avoid too.
00:53:06.400
And so as grown men, as fathers, we need to fight against our own nature and do what our children need.
00:53:13.160
Yeah, so we need to fix and heal ourselves too.
00:53:17.320
I tend to be on the opposite side of the spectrum.
00:53:24.140
So if there's a problem, I'm like, get in here.
00:53:30.220
We can yell at each other if we need to, but we're not leaving until this is resolved.
00:53:36.600
And so that's something I really have to, I need to, like with my oldest son, he's not like that.
00:53:53.220
And he shares and I'm like, I want to know more.
00:53:58.580
Like I just do it in little small segments because I can't push too hard.
00:54:03.260
Somebody had made a comment and they were taking a jab at me based on something I said on social media.
00:54:07.380
But they said, they did, in quotes, I wonder what Ryan thinks about this issue, said no man ever.
00:54:26.560
All right, Kanellis Jr., your thoughts on Project 2025.
00:54:34.360
Look, speaking of wondering what Ryan thinks on this issue, I don't have an opinion because I don't know what Project 2025 is.
00:54:42.940
I think it's a 900-page document that the Heritage Foundation maybe put together.
00:54:47.460
I think the person who's responsible, well, that's a different story.
00:54:57.380
But I think the individual who put it together, who headed up the project, has been terminated or stepped down.
00:55:03.760
And yes, so the liberal side of the aisle is attaching this to Trump.
00:55:18.880
My only opinion on the issue is I think everybody ought to just drop the Project 2025 because Democrats are misrepresenting it and Republicans don't even know what the hell it is.
00:55:34.340
I've been meaning to – I wanted to read it because I thought it was a legit thing, but I haven't.
00:55:41.480
I don't think any – but I don't even think the people using it as a political tactic against conservatives have even read it.
00:55:48.700
All right, Ion DB, how do you battle lust in an overly sexualized world we live in today?
00:55:55.500
Well, just reduce the exposure to lustful activities.
00:56:08.240
But it's so much more than – I mean, you go to the grocery store and you go to check out for the groceries for dinner and you see People magazine and Us magazine and all these raunchy magazines with women with their slutty dresses on at the Oscars.
00:56:25.100
My boys, some of the music I listen to, I'm like, do you even know what they're – do you know what that means?
00:56:34.600
You know, my oldest – my older two know more, but they're being exposed to this stuff and I think it's really important that we deal with it.
00:56:42.680
I think one of the biggest issues – I don't know if it's the biggest issue or one of the biggest issues, but I think there's an issue with our aversion to talking about healthy sexuality.
00:57:05.640
So for a young man, 13-year-old man, he's going through puberty.
00:57:11.740
He's getting like hormones pumping through his veins.
00:57:32.120
And then when he sees a magazine – maybe – it's not a magazine now.
00:57:39.120
When he sees something online, I remember I had the Pamela Anderson Playboy and it was like the prized possession of all the kids in the neighborhood.
00:57:52.980
And so when he sees it and he sees a naked woman who is obviously very attractive and you told him everything's bad and everything's wrong and sex is the devil, then he sees it and he's like, I got to hide that.
00:58:21.420
Well, you know, everybody's telling me how horrible sex is.
00:58:24.220
But then I listen to this song and these rappers are out there sleeping with everybody.
00:58:31.240
So the thing that we need to do is to limit exposure to that, of course.
00:58:35.540
I'm not saying – some people will say, well, you know, just expose them to it because they're going to see it and they know how to deal with it.
00:58:43.080
That's like taking a three-year-old and just like throwing him in the water and saying, hey, at some point you're going to be around a pool.
00:58:54.060
Well, they're going to learn from school and all the wrong people.
00:59:01.820
I don't know if he's talking about with children though, but I think this is one avenue is just to start talking about it in a healthy way with your children, with your peers.
00:59:15.840
I'm assuming he's probably talking about himself.
00:59:17.940
Otherwise, I think we would have – he would have had that in the question, right, dealing it with our kids.
00:59:36.080
But yeah, I think that's going to be an uphill battle.
00:59:39.420
But I think you know where the temptations come from.
00:59:45.760
And there's a great website called – I think it's called Fight the New Drug.
00:59:49.720
And you can learn a lot of new skills and mindsets and practical application.
01:00:04.640
He talks a lot about how men can deal with unhealthy sexual urges and activities.
01:00:14.980
You know, one thing that comes to mind is just idle hands.
01:00:18.400
You know, like I think most things that are not good for us, whether it's drugs and other addictions, even if it's in the space of sexuality, it's always going to be in this area of us being idle and not getting after it, right, and doing all the other things that we should probably be doing and being about something.
01:00:40.260
And so I – not that I'm saying just like keep yourself busy, but like be about something that is a higher calling than oneself.
01:00:53.260
Well, I think that's a great point and realizing that you're meeting your sexual desires is not the pinnacle of your human achievement.
01:01:02.180
But, you know, getting laid or scoring that woman is not going to bring you as much happiness after about 10 or 15 minutes as you think it will.
01:01:11.360
So what is it that's calling to you in a more significant way?
01:01:14.660
And then another just simple tactic is just don't be alone.
01:01:18.880
The more you're alone, the more easy it is to get into some of these temptations and you got to avoid that.
01:01:29.040
Even when you find yourself being tempted and you want to step away from it, go get out, go to the gym, go grocery shopping, go for a run.
01:01:40.460
Think about baseball and grandmas or something.
01:01:57.140
So I'm going to go with we're going to jump over to Facebook to join us there.
01:02:01.320
Facebook dot com slash group slash order of man.
01:02:06.540
So will Luna, he says how to get out of the roommate phase with my wife.
01:02:12.540
So maybe things are smooth and kind of got into a roommate phase.
01:02:17.560
Did you listen to last week's Friday Field Notes, Kip?
01:02:32.900
I'm like, I actually need to address that because other people have brought it up.
01:02:43.800
Does it say how long Will's been married with his wife?
01:02:52.740
You guys have fallen into some habits and some patterns.
01:02:56.740
And so nights and evenings and weekends are busy.
01:03:11.500
And so, you know, you have a conversation and you say, hey, hon, you know, like, I don't know if you're feeling it.
01:03:16.880
I'm sure if I'm feeling it, you're probably feeling it, too.
01:03:19.760
I feel like we're just so stuck in this rut and we feel like we're roommates and we're not intimate.
01:03:36.360
I'm just bringing it to the table because I want to know how you feel about it.
01:03:45.960
But regardless of what it is, you just need to start broaching the conversation.
01:03:51.860
Okay, now that's at the risk of being, I won't say it.
01:03:58.180
I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm trying to work on my, the things I say.
01:04:03.420
So it's not going to be a very sexual arousing conversation for her.
01:04:10.940
So you actually do need to sexually arouse her.
01:04:15.140
Otherwise, why would she want to have sex with you?
01:04:20.000
So part of that means making yourself somebody who's desirable to her.
01:04:31.600
Do you have, to your point earlier, Kip, a vision about where you want to take yourself
01:04:45.440
A lot of people said money doesn't have anything to do with it.
01:04:49.600
Like they care about the fact that they can be taken care of.
01:04:56.200
Yeah, or they're going to be stressed out, right?
01:04:59.440
Like part of this is to create stability so they're not stressed out.
01:05:02.980
Like I don't know about you, but intimacy in a relationship goes out the window with stress.
01:05:10.780
So like if you're a mess and you're creating a lack of stability in your family and kids are upset
01:05:19.120
and emotions are all a mess, yeah, that's a tough environment to feel loving.
01:05:29.000
The next thing that you really need to do is you need to seduce her.
01:05:34.660
You know, at some point you were romantic with her.
01:05:37.460
At some point you guys were physically attracted to each other.
01:05:41.660
At some point the activities in the bedroom were probably exactly where you wanted them to be
01:05:52.620
You know, you go to work, you get up with just amount of time,
01:05:55.160
you come home, you're tired, maybe you're a little overweight.
01:05:58.980
You know, maybe you don't help out around the house.
01:06:05.700
Keith Yackey, The Married Game, has some really good information on this.
01:06:15.800
And it doesn't mean be a player as in sleep around.
01:06:36.040
They're a little confrontational and challenging.
01:06:42.280
and even just the way you touch her when you walk by,
01:06:50.420
maybe it's a text that you send throughout the day,
01:06:52.500
a suggestive text or, you know, something playful.
01:06:59.800
and this I don't really think applies to a marriage
01:07:05.160
hey, throw in the towel if you're not getting exactly what you want.
01:07:09.780
But I made that last point on the podcast of just uphold the boundary.
01:07:14.480
If you've done all the things right and she's still not interested,
01:07:18.080
then there's a boundary that needs to be maintained here.
01:07:29.020
that hasn't been fully addressed or you're not aware of.
01:07:33.220
She could also potentially have some medical issues
01:07:36.200
that makes it unenjoyable or maybe even painful for her.
01:07:42.200
And those things can be addressed if you talk about them.
01:07:50.260
Because that's going to show up in your relationship anyway.
01:07:54.420
It's a covert contract if it doesn't get addressed.
01:08:10.860
What did you do when you were trying to get in her pants
01:08:27.100
I did want to share we've got that Divorce Not Death course
01:08:29.500
coming up here pretty quick in the next month-ish, five weeks.
01:08:35.880
DivorceNotDeath.com is really my only ask for today.
01:08:40.300
I mean, IC will be opened up in a couple weeks.
01:08:46.260
And we'll, of course, share more as we get closer.
01:08:55.000
I know that hopefully not only did it serve you, but I know that through you asking your
01:08:59.540
questions, it also serves other people dealing with the same issue.
01:09:04.520
It's a mission to reclaim and restore masculinity.
01:09:06.700
So the more that we can share and start talking about these issues and actively working together
01:09:11.060
to deal with them, the better off not only we're going to be, but our families and our
01:09:17.820
Also, we've got in the next month and a half or so, we're going to have a brand new website
01:09:26.660
So we've got some cool and exciting things in the works.
01:09:32.260
Until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.
01:09:36.300
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
01:09:44.280
You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
01:09:48.300
We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.