Overcoming Limits, Building Vision, and Fighting Through Pain ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 9 minutes
Summary
In this episode, we talk about the World Series with the Los Angeles Dodgers and answer questions from the Iron Council and the Order of Man. We also discuss the importance of visualization and how it can help you become the man you are meant to be.
Transcript
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It's about doing hard things and you don't feel that people see you and what you're dealing with
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and you don't have an outlet where I'm like in the funk and I just have a conversation with
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someone and I feel like a hundred percent better and mostly because they can relate and they're
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like oh man yeah me too and I'm not alone in the suffering and and it's relatable. This is why
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this conversation is so important for men to have even if they're not at the level of like
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suicidal. Sean we do it again sir how you doing? Yes sir great how are you? Good man. Dodgers fan you
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were in the Dodgers hat here on YouTube. How you feeling about that World Series? Like every Dodgers
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fan like nervous and still hopeful. I was at the game with my daughter game five and and I've never
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been in Dodger Stadium even mid-season when I lived there we used to go all the time mid-season
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playing you know like the Pirates or something that nobody shows up to. Sorry for you Pittsburgh fans
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but going to a game like that I've never heard the stadium as quiet as it was at game but it made
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no sense. I was like this is crazy. It's almost like you knew they were going to lose because
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of zero energy in that place it was weird. Pack Stadium no sound it was strange. Yeah very very
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odd. Dude that picture though holy crap like you know I have a story that's so awesome. It's super
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cool super cool it's it's pretty amazing stuff. Yeah as a fan of baseball you I just love that
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kind of stuff. Yeah. Right I mean it's awesome. I love it man. Well we're going to field questions
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from the Iron Council right and from Order of Man. To learn more about the Iron Council gentlemen
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go to orderofman.com ironcouncil. We used to do cohorts on a quarterly basis. You can join us at
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any time so if you're you know you have the itch to to make some pivots and adjustments in your life
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and show up next year better don't wait until next year. Do it now. Get on the path start making
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pivots now so then that way you're going into 2026 a head start right and no sense of delaying
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how we're showing up after all right there is no such thing as tomorrow. I love that phrase right
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it's just a word that describes something that doesn't exist and so let's take action and and be
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the men that we are meant to be today right today is is all we got. So all right let's just jump right
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into it man. I feel like I'm already like soapboxing on stuff without any questions even coming in so
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um Ken Newcomb my calibration tactic is visual uh is visualization this quarter and I'm really
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struggling. I sit first thing in the morning with everyone asleep and I try to visualize my day
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and the man I want to be. Then my mind starts wondering thinking about my day things I need to do
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or just about anything other than my visualization. Are there any tips and suggestions that you uh
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tips or suggestions to succeed at this? Hmm you know with that it's something that for me I've never
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I'm just like him. I've never been able to sit down and just visualize without my mind wandering.
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I still can't do that to this day and so what I've figured out is knowing exactly what I want
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and what that should look like feel like and in the moments of I call it catching myself being
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non-productive. So in moments where I know I'm either not taking action not working not doing
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the things that are going to lead me towards whatever that is I want in my life I'll catch myself
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and then think of visualize how the man I want to be would be showing up right now what he would be
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doing what and I still do that to this day where I catch myself multiple times through the day what
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would he be doing right now and then I go do it like did like it was funny when we got on
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I just like straight out of the shower from jujitsu and this morning like
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there's probably a couple mornings a week where I don't want to go to jujitsu with everything else
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going on in my life the other things physically drained not enough sleep don't feel great don't want
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to go and then I visualize okay like I actually visualize my black belt I'm like well you're never
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going to get to a black belt not going and uh and I also know every single time I go when I'm done
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I'm like man that would have sucked if I didn't go today
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and so but that visualization of me at a graduation getting a black belt from my professor
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is part of what gets me in there I gotta go and and so me knowing that I'm gonna feel awesome
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you know two hours later is not enough um to get me in but the visualization of knowing exactly what
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I want the outcome that I'm seeking by going gets me to take that action so I don't take the time
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during the day at any particular time of the day to try and sit and visualize but I know exactly what I
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want and then in the pursuit throughout the day when I catch myself not moving towards those things
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what I'm trying to gain who I want to be how I want to show up
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and how that man would show up in those scenarios
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and it makes me move the needle in that direction
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Ken I'll share what what works for me and and this is kind of interesting because your visualization is about how you want to show up and then you're hopping about your day
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that's kind of the idea a little bit right so here here's a thought but let me first say this
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it takes time reps man right you're like what I'm hearing is hey I'm trying to like
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do one thing mentally and I'm having a hard time doing that mentally
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yeah that's got it keep practicing right like and it's the beginning of the quarter right
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so he's got a long way to go it's going to take time to clear your mind and and how powerful is that
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like listen listen to what we're talking about I'm trying to focus on something and I can't focus on it
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that's really important for us to figure that shit out
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right it's no different than and I'm I'm assuming most guys can relate to this how often Sean do you go
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lay in bed and you're like oh man I need to get I need to fall asleep I need to get some solid rest
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and then your mind starts wandering right about all the stuff you have to do and then you have to get up
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you have to write it down right like dude there's power
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can in you working on this so let me first say that that's good right you being able to control
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your mindset what you focus on it takes reps it takes time etc now with that all said this is what
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I do is I I first just meditate meditation is clear in my mind right I try not to be focused on anything
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and and this is why guided meditation focuses on breathing because now your focus is on breath
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and account on purpose so you might intentionally get some guided meditations to help you focus right
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that's the benefit of the person talking to you because you focus on what they're saying
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not just on everything else right and so look at that but me personally when I used to do this
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on a regular basis I would meditate first just clear my mind focus on breathing my visualization
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was this I have an ethos that's in my journal it's a I don't know a quarter of a page a couple paragraphs
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it is the man that I decide to be I read that then I intentionally grab my phone and I look at my calendar
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and then I visualize my day got it podcast recording 9 30 with Sean okay got it based upon that man
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how do I show up here got it okay I got you today I'm not feeling it but the man that I'm choosing
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to be guess what he does he walks in the gym and he doesn't wait and delay time got it okay how does
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he train passive aggressive training overly assertive anger training like at what level do I show up in
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that training oh I got a tough executive meeting later today I have a hard conversation to be had
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how does that guy show up in that I literally visualize my day and map it to my ethos or my
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mission as a man so Ken you're kind of doing it by wondering into your day I think just get centered on
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the guy you want to be and then look through your day and go got it how does he show up here and you
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might want to take notes oh man I need to remember to be empathetic and compassionate in that call at
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five I'm going to write that down so then that way I don't I don't forget where I am getting centered
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right now this morning so you're cut like the thing that you're saying is the problem is probably kind
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of working for you maybe just button it up a little bit and I would separate the meditating
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clearing your mind from visualizing because visualizing is very much active mind what does
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my day look like based upon right the man I want to show up as I'm glad you talked about that looking
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at the day because that's a part I forgot on mine every night before I go to bed I look at my calendar
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for the next day again and I do visualize okay I have this at this time this at this time getting up at
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this time I did that today and then and it's in in each of those things I do what you just said
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but the reason that I don't think I think I've stopped trying to sit down and totally like visualize
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all of it is number one the distraction that he talked about but number two it almost never happens
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the way I visualize it when I when I try and do that for the whole day so I think about how I am going
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to feel like last night I thought about it I was I'm you know I got up today at at 5 30 you know woke
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up one of my kids um got some stuff done you know got another one of the kids ready did like visualizing
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that and then visualizing me going to jiu-jitsu knowing I was going to be tired because I just got
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back from a trip that I wasn't going I literally visualized that part and then I was gonna like
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tell myself to stop being a little bitch and go and I knew all that part was going to happen
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but then when I'm when I was up at 5 30 I also got a message from Ryan asking to do this today
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right and so if I would have visual like if my visualization for the day was like this perfect
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thing happening of this then this then this then this right and I had things I was going to be doing
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in this space as you and I are talking right now if I get too stuck on the perfect visualization
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I one thing I started to notice for me is I used to also get angry when things would change
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and almost disappointed or angry or like oh man I didn't get that done the way I wanted
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but that's because life was happening along the way so when Ryan asked I went back to the calendar
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like I already knew it because of the night before I do have this gap I'm going to be doing
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these other things but is are these like high priority things or whatever no I can fit it in
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re-space it re-visualize what the rest of the day it's going to pack in a little part of the rest of
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the day but that's fine and visualize how that's going to work now through between now and then
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I know my wife's probably going to ask me to do some things today that she didn't ask me
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you know ahead of time or whatever things are going to I got two of my boys out of school today so
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who knows what they're going to come at me with today and so that's why I think I've pivoted to
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the visualization as the day's progressing so it's both it's the visualization the night before
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and and trying to be the most effective through the next day through that visualization and then
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as it's happening that exercise of the visualization of catching myself in those things to make sure
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that I don't get too distracted or off you know off topic off focus um and I keep my priorities in
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order um you know and and kind of those reminders throughout the day and with visualizing I love that
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and and I feel too like we know where we struggle right a lot of guys struggle from that transition
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maybe from the day job to home if if that's the area of risk then sit out in the car and meditate then
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and visualize then before you walk through the door at the home right and and and that's kind of what
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I'm picking up from you Sean is like work it into your day and and if you're solid at the office or on you
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know out working great if if you struggle in the transition to home then pause then and say okay
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now I'm putting that the dad hat on how does he show up before I walk through that door and and pause
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in that moment to make sure that you show up powerfully so like obviously there's not a way here
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but like figure out where are those areas of risk for you and apply it appropriately uh Julian
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uh yeah Julian I'm gonna slaughter the last name and uh sapulvata sapulvata sapulvata all right here we
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go how do I break the limited narrative in my head to gain a limitless vision to strive for a vision
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that's not only running from my present life how do I break the limited narrative in my head to gain
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a limitless vision to strive for and not only running from my present life this is a deep one
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the I know I see so many guys struggle with this and mainly I see it in my business I mean which which
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trickles into every part of their life but through I've coached who knows how many at this point it's
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probably tens of thousands of people through this and where most people struggle is going from a
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limited mindset to unlimited but their challenge is they're trying to initially go from the limitations
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that have been driven into them for you know in some cases yeah 40 years 50 years 60 years like I don't
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know how old this guy is um and there's no age that you should do it I get guys from all ages
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trying to start a new life and trying to be better trying to change themselves that's quite frankly
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everybody that joins the iron council right but the where most of them mess up is they try to bring
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their biggest vision to the forefront like they try to dream big and they think of the biggest thing
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and this quote-unquote limitless possibilities and quite frankly you your brain can't wrap itself
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around that yet you have to take baby steps that's like saying you want to start working out and then
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you're going to go try and squat 500 pounds you it doesn't start with 500 maybe it's for you starts
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with 100 pounds right or 50 maybe so you have to take those baby steps towards stretching what you think
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is possible until that little that small thing that you think is possible you now know is possible and
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then you would notch it up a little bit you ratchet it up you um increase it so maybe you don't start with
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limitless like know with the the mindset that yeah all things are possible um because it's someone
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else has done it before they've already proven it can be done and they're just as human as I am
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um but what can I achieve and that's why I like the battle plan and the battle planner being broken into
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quarters and then having the tactics like we were just talking about with the last question of putting
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that tactic in there because you can break it down to small things and give yourself those small wins
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of okay this quarter what can I do in this quarter forget about who I want to be you know 30 years from
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now 20 years from now shoot even you know five years one year two years from now okay this quarter what
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can I control how much better can I get and let me prove to myself that I can be that guy and then
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once I've proven myself that I'll be like wow I broke through this little barrier that was hard for me
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not unlimited not you know not completely undoable because the unlimited part for almost every human
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before they get good at it seems impossible you might as well call it impossible
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but you find something smaller make it a win make it difficult difficult enough to that you know it's going to be
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hard you're going to have to show up differently but then do it and prove to yourself that it can be done
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and and in that let's say you don't do it but let's say you did better than you've ever done before that
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quarter in that area still give yourself that win and then tweak it again maybe you keep it one more
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quarter with the same goal you know maybe you fell short but you did better than you've ever done but
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now you've built up some good habits keep it another quarter until you achieve it and then you achieve it now
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you've proven to yourself okay I did it I overcame I was able to achieve this thing that I thought was hard
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and then you're going to build better habits through that process and then ratchet into for me personally
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it probably took me somewhere between the six and ten year mark of understanding limitless
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and and then the work that that also includes and the dedication and and whether or not
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it's worth it or not yeah you know and so you have to build into that and so you know it just start a
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little smaller being new to the concept um you know because it sounds like he's trying to completely
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change his environment his background his narrative his you know his habits all of it and it's just too
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much to do at once well and and I like what you said Sean is the cost right this is where everyone
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goes wrong right it's like oh I have these limiting beliefs okay I'm gonna anything's possible no
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bullshit right like you're caught like you're subconsciously calling bullshit on yourself because
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you're like but really do I really believe that and the answer is no you don't so you know have a
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limitless vision all you want but I mean just because you're pretending and lying to yourself
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that anything's possible doesn't make it true for you so what does and and I think what does is
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getting clear first on the cost are you even willing to do these dreams that you have in your mind are you
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really willing to pay the price because if you're not then stop saying that I'm I'm gonna be this or
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I'm gonna do this someday well no you're not not if you're not willing to do the necessary work and
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pay the necessary price to do it so get clear on the cost deal in reality right this isn't some
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scenario by you you just think it's it's not enough right this is where everyone goes wrong
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everyone's upset with their lives and most of them are upset with their lives because they're not clear
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on the cost required to have that life and so now they're not dealing in reality and they're they know
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they're kind of lying to themselves about it right so so I get I think get clear on the cost the other
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part is limited narrative in my head well what's the limited narrative I can't do this I'm incapable of
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this why is that true challenge the narrative so whatever limited narrative that you have in your mind
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challenge it like is that really true and we'll find out in most cases it's not in most cases we
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are emotional by the way we're all emotional beings that use logic to justify our emotion a limited
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narrative is an emotional statement logic is what what reps and experience and learnings do I need to
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have to be able to have outcome that's logical thinking I can't do this I'm incapable that's
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emotional so get clear and challenge the narrative that you're that you have and then get really clear
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like believe in a growth mindset and and by the way people think like uh does Sean have a growth mindset
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does Kip have a growth no no people don't have growth mindsets they choose to have a growth mindset
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and a growth mindset believes what that if you're willing to sacrifice and put in the necessary time
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and effort that you can learn and grow so reverse engineer you want limitless you want to change your
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present life all right what is it that you want to achieve what's required from a reps perspective
00:22:57.780
to get there because you just wanting it guess what you don't deserve it you have to pay the price to get
00:23:05.340
there so get clear on the price that you have to pay and start taking action towards it I love
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like and I hopefully Julian you're not like hopefully this doesn't come across and Sean you tell me if
00:23:16.980
this is the case I'm not going against this idea of believing that having a growth mindset and that
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anything is somewhat possible I'm not saying I'm not against that but way too many people choose to try
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to believe that without understanding what's required to get there and then they have to get
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up so hard yeah and then they get mad and oh I'll never achieve it it's like well what have you done
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um nothing well of course you're not going to get there then right so you know to back to Sean's point
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right figure out the cost you you may not even want the thing that you're seeking because you're unwilling
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to pay the price and if that's the case move on and find something else that you're willing to pay the
00:24:00.700
price for you know it's anything worth having is work right and in his question he says like how do
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I make sure it's a vision that's not only running from my present life I think he also needs to be
00:24:16.100
careful of yeah good point that right because there's a difference between I wrote it down as
00:24:22.480
you're talking there's a difference between running away from your current life versus running away from
00:24:27.940
your current responsibilities you know it's you want to make sure that you're creating a new life
00:24:34.500
while still taking care of your current responsibilities right and that's at any level
00:24:40.300
whether you're starting over whether you're rock bottom or whether you've already achieved what you
00:24:46.200
used to think was going to be your top of the mountain and so like that's it it's
00:24:53.940
it's it's I have a friend and uh you know this guy but he just hit me up recently like hey I'm off to
00:25:01.420
the next new thing you know and and I want to get some ideas I want to know who you know what you know
00:25:07.960
if you know anything's out there and all that stuff this guy is very like from the outside looking in
00:25:12.700
very quote-unquote successful the top of the mountain like most people would probably look at that and be
00:25:17.660
like man that's awesome and so yeah that's fine he's running off the next thing he's running away
00:25:24.540
from his current life that's great actually that's fine you know so your narrative of how you say that
00:25:32.980
to yourself you have to be very very careful of but he's not in one circumstance running away from
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any of his responsibilities he's just hit that point where he knows there's more he knows he's
00:25:47.380
capable he and so the possibilities you were talking about he's more than sure of those things
00:25:53.380
and so he's chasing that that's awesome you know but it is a chase you do have to run you can't just
00:26:01.520
kind of scroll into a new life right so yeah I the narrative of running from your current life is
00:26:09.540
I think fine but you have to be careful in what that means to you totally well and and now that
00:26:16.780
like you bring that up it's like Julian's like oh man guys you you're running way too deep into the
00:26:21.720
rat hole on on this question right it's a deep question dude but running from my present life
00:26:28.180
like there's a bunch of things that come to mind right one of them is what are you making your present
00:26:34.280
life mean yeah and do we run from our present life or do we learn and grow from our present life
00:26:44.940
be very careful right that it's like oh it's my present life's a problem guess how you deal with
00:26:51.020
your present life or your past that you don't like you become a better version because of it that's how
00:26:56.580
you you become the kind of man Julian that you're like man I am grateful for the current life I have
00:27:03.460
you know why because it catapulted me in learning and growing in these particular areas but if you're
00:27:08.940
not growing from quote-unquote present life if it's not making you a better version this life you're
00:27:14.820
running to you're not going to get it because you didn't earn it and or you didn't learn the lesson
00:27:20.760
that you need to learn where you are so just be very careful sometimes we do that right it's like oh
00:27:26.340
I just need a new job or oh it's my spouse it's like no dude learn where you are right that's how
00:27:33.220
you deserve the next thing right so just be mindful of that right and and I would get clear on what are
00:27:39.200
you making your current life mean and how do you show powerful let me suggest this if you figure out
00:27:47.240
how to show up powerful in the life that you're living right now that's probably how you move to the
00:27:52.820
space of limitless yeah all right we'd beat that up but there's a lot there right like oh man we
00:28:00.760
could we could talk for an hour that's what I said at the beginning of the question that's a deep one
00:28:05.660
man yeah all right you guys are these are these are pretty solid all right Dwayne
00:28:09.860
love if b is pronounced v well we'll see Dwayne but it's Dwayne nonetheless I know that part
00:28:17.520
all right in what ways have you seen different learning outcomes happen different ways we
00:28:24.320
learning outcomes happen through being the master willing to be questioned in a subject area or being
00:28:30.400
the apprentice willing to seek knowledge both kind of expose in unique ways what do you think each
00:28:36.760
delivers to the man this is coming from the trades background I noticed how much I have learned from
00:28:43.360
apprentices about what I don't actually know as well as as I should or can't articulate as clearly as
00:28:50.800
needed it's um I don't know I'm I see this weekly um you know and what I do I was so kind of looking
00:29:06.160
back on what we were just beating to death with Julian you know I was when what you were talking
00:29:12.360
about and kind of your circumstance if it's bad as you were saying that I was thinking like where I
00:29:18.060
started when I first made the choice to change my life I was 22 years old drinking a minimum six pack
00:29:25.540
a beer a day you know around a bunch of alcoholics and drinkers and partying and you know and and on the
00:29:33.020
outside looking in it probably looked pretty good I was making decent money I was a hard worker I was
00:29:38.640
all these things but honestly just a mess like the path I was on was very poor I was going to end up
00:29:45.820
broke I was in a ton of debt you know 30 grand of debt with never going to college like all just
00:29:50.900
you know stuff I didn't need and um terrible with money terrible in relationships not you know like
00:29:58.620
all of the the things and um I'm so glad they happened because I know the alternative right
00:30:05.420
but as I started growing my first step was being literally like being so coachable I call it coach
00:30:15.120
ability being so coachable even to the point that I was willing to do what someone told me
00:30:22.880
and even though that sounds kind of funny that's when we're talking about an apprenticeship you know
00:30:30.360
slash master relationship when you have a mentor when you have somebody teaching you if you're not
00:30:36.660
100 coachable learning from somebody who's done it a thousand times there's no hope for you so you have
00:30:43.380
to go in with that mentality of even doing what you're told and then as you become the master in those
00:30:51.120
things um then what you're going to see is you're going to notice more detail you're going to notice
00:31:01.300
little idiosyncrasies you're going to notice things in circumstances and you're going to start also
00:31:08.060
noticing that these new people these apprentices now have little things to teach you that you learn
00:31:17.080
through coaching them that are little idiosyncrasies and things that you maybe didn't notice before
00:31:24.800
um they're going to come with a maybe it's even quote unquote common sense tool or way of doing things
00:31:35.600
that you weren't taught that maybe they learned from someone else on another job if you're talking the
00:31:41.620
trades and you're like dang that is good and so it's that openness to like you still have to like
00:31:49.460
listen to people where they stand um in your coaching and but i don't think you get there
00:31:58.720
in a master's position without first being 100 coachable when you were the apprentice
00:32:06.860
right so it's a process where you can't if you don't start with that coachability that coachability
00:32:14.720
carries over into your mentorship as a master um where you're going to to still catch ideas and tools
00:32:25.560
and value from even your youngest newest guy um if you started with that coachability so absolutely
00:32:35.660
like there's constantly lessons on both ends even after you become a mess master you're going to
00:32:42.360
learn things um from the new guys along the way as long as you still have that spirit of i think where
00:32:51.980
we have to catch ourselves i talked about catching myself being you know in a bad mindset i think the
00:32:59.260
important part is the master is if you start feeling like i already know this or i know it all or been
00:33:07.400
there done that that's when you as the quote-unquote master need to be the most worried about yourself
00:33:15.100
and your future right and catch yourself in that yeah i don't i don't think there's distinctions here
00:33:22.540
i think you're a lifetime learner period and if you're always curious then you're always learning
00:33:29.560
doesn't matter whether you're the boss you're the master you're the screw that dude right like be
00:33:35.660
curious always eager to learn and here's what's interesting about it let let's assume that that
00:33:40.700
i'm a master apprentice right and i'm doing my jam and some you know young buck comes up to me and
00:33:47.300
it's like oh i would do it this way and if i'm like dude he's wrong now i he might be right he
00:33:54.080
might be totally wrong and i just blow it off and he's this is nobody's talking about we go on our
00:33:58.160
merry way but if i'm curious and i go oh oh what here show me and i jump into it a little bit i go oh
00:34:06.120
interest why do you do that that way and blah blah blah and we go back and forth i'm like oh this is
00:34:10.180
what i used to do who ends up learning the apprentice he ends up learning because you get
00:34:18.000
down and you you seek to understand his nuance you guys have a discussion focused on not tit for tat
00:34:24.960
who's right who's wrong but you get into the mix of learning together all of a sudden the princess goes
00:34:29.840
oh my gosh did you do it that oh that's even better than what i was thinking and all of a sudden
00:34:35.960
his his his mind is opened up to possibility that rarely will show up uh in the space of no you're
00:34:44.000
wrong this is how it gets done and you just taught someone you're not approachable don't challenge
00:34:49.840
status quo and don't innovate he's innovating in his lane let him innovate coach the innovation
00:34:55.620
right so everyone should always be teachable all the time and and when i really think like
00:35:01.040
statistically by the way leaders you're the worst you're absolutely the worst most of you are never
00:35:08.280
coachable and the reason why it's it's really a handful of salty assumptions faulty assumptions
00:35:14.260
that you make as a leader number one you think you've made it i made it right sean dude i'm the
00:35:21.200
executive dude apparently i know what i'm doing i've made it so my ego is inflated and so i stopped
00:35:27.060
learning we see feedback as weakness right i they need me they report to me i'm not their boss or i'm
00:35:35.180
not their employee so then we see their feedback as weakness on us we have the authority authority
00:35:42.380
bubble this idea that like um i'm a i'm a lone leader no one understands my difficulties you know
00:35:50.840
it's my circumstances unique and i'm in this a little authority bubble that no one is relatable to it's
00:35:56.020
lonely at the top yep lonely at the top we have all these phrases and so you don't consider any input
00:36:02.160
because you think your your situation is so damn unique and then lastly is you think sometimes we
00:36:08.980
believe in what i call the eighth day of the week someday oh i'll learn that someday when i'm not so
00:36:15.020
busy having to deal with these these troops and these nuances and then i push off the development of
00:36:20.940
leadership right in whatever role we're talking about here so man i i don't think there's a
00:36:26.780
difference and it's all about just being and i think it's curiosity and and prioritizing your learning
00:36:34.060
over your ego i don't know i want to add more to ego but i think that's mostly that probably the
00:36:41.780
the thing that blocks most of us from being coachable i don't know is there something else other than ego
00:36:47.260
no nothing it's probably just all right yeah pride which is the same thing right yeah yeah so all
00:36:54.220
right next question uh brian llama how do you keep going when the finish line is so close
00:37:04.320
and the pain just keeps increasing pain you've never felt before especially when when fight or flight
00:37:14.120
is turned on in the background i keep fighting but do we ever stop wanting to fight um sorry
00:37:22.880
stop fighting wanting to fight in our darkest days i'm gonna read that again brian i'm sorry okay
00:37:29.800
let's read it one more time how do you keep going when the finish line is so close and the pain just
00:37:34.840
keeps increasing pain you've never felt before especially when fight or flight is turned on in the
00:37:40.600
background and i'm i am keep fighting but do we ever stop wanting to fight in our darkest days
00:37:54.660
there's a rare person that is so stubborn they just keep going by themselves
00:38:06.360
and so what i would say is like have you communicated what you're going through with
00:38:13.960
anybody that's conquered what you're trying to conquer before and if not i think you need to find
00:38:21.160
that person at least one and if you can find a group of guys um that have been through what you're
00:38:28.240
trying to overcome that's going to be extremely valuable to you and it's that the the kind of
00:38:38.760
golden lining you know the silver lining in your question is that you said that you're so close to the
00:38:49.420
finish line which means that you know what you're trying to get to like you you can see the prize
00:38:56.420
which is huge because there's too many guys that are going through tough things without something
00:39:02.120
they're they're trying right without the light that they're trying to to reach their night they're
00:39:09.080
just fighting with no light at the end of the tunnel yeah darkness and so that's good news is you know
00:39:16.740
what the finish line is um but i can tell you like i said earlier nothing worth having
00:39:24.100
is like doesn't come with hard work like there's nothing of value that doesn't take a ton of work
00:39:29.860
to get to but i can also tell you that as you get closer to those goals and especially the bigger the
00:39:35.040
goals the bigger the adversity as you get closer the more adversity comes like that's just the way
00:39:43.180
the adversary works that's just it's part of the game part of the game and it's gonna get harder before
00:39:52.400
it's quote-unquote easier um so if you can change we've been talking a lot about narratives if you could
00:40:00.660
change your narrative from this is hard to hard as part of the process and as i get closer
00:40:07.660
just knowing it's going to get harder still not giving in and it's going to be pain that you've
00:40:15.420
never felt before it's going to be a push you've never had to push before it's going to be effort
00:40:21.940
you've never had to give before um but knowing that once you're through it you're going to be stronger
00:40:30.740
and the next time it happens because there will be a next time um you're going to know what to do
00:40:38.160
it's it's going to be easier it's going you know and but then there's going to be if you're doing it
00:40:44.360
right there's going to be something else that's hard that you're going to be pushing for and towards
00:40:48.920
and through and so um you know in the question i love that you know what you're trying to achieve
00:40:57.000
but it also sounds like you're trying to do it alone and i would say find find some people with
00:41:04.400
the experience that have gone through similar situations that have overcome that are where you
00:41:09.600
want to be and see if you can kind of you know get some help um uh get some guidance at least even if
00:41:22.680
they're whether it's accountability whether it's um encouragement whether it's their experience and
00:41:30.140
and them helping guide you through um those expectations i think that'd be helpful for you
00:41:37.500
yeah this is a hard question because what do you mean by finish line what do you mean by pain
00:41:45.960
what do you mean by fight and flight right like these are just days mean something different for
00:41:52.380
everybody else yeah some of these are really loaded right like you know like i could riff on the whole
00:41:58.340
idea that fight and flight implies that brain flow brain or blood is reduced to the brain increased to
00:42:06.860
the muscles and you're running around doing stupid ass stuff because you're in fight and flight mode
00:42:11.740
that may not be a good thing right so like yeah so there's a lot of things to consider here
00:42:17.100
here's just a couple thoughts you know what i what i feel brian in your question is a lack of peace
00:42:25.460
and a lack of happiness where you are right now and whenever i hear that i get fearful that we think
00:42:36.060
that the fight or the finish line is going to give us some joy and peace and i hate to say it but most
00:42:43.620
of the time that finish line will not and so how do you find it now in spite of your circumstances
00:42:52.140
how do you live in the moment how do you find gratitude and i know it sounds hard right it sounds
00:42:59.100
like brian has nothing to be grateful for you're breathing right you have opportunities in front of you
00:43:05.720
you can fight right there's things to find gratitude around i would double down on being present to
00:43:14.460
what's great that in your life that you have i would focus on cleaning up the past i don't know why but
00:43:23.220
part of me feels like we're running right trying to overcome our past prove people all that kind of
00:43:32.820
yuckiness you don't need to prove anything to anybody you do you who you are is defined by the
00:43:40.680
man you are being today not who you once were and so i'd really double down on how you show up
00:43:49.280
what you learn from the past and find gratitude in the present
00:43:55.020
i'm not saying you don't fight these things right you don't try to improve in these things but but
00:44:01.820
be careful that we're not loading up the finish line as like well once i achieve this then
00:44:08.220
most of the time guys peace joy fulfillment and happiness in life is not found in having
00:44:15.580
it's found in being and perhaps you need to get really present of who you are being right now this
00:44:26.620
that's loaded i made all that up i have no idea brian if that is even relates right based upon what you
00:44:38.320
gave us but you know hopefully that that gives some thought well and like i said it's it's like dark
00:44:44.340
and dark times mean so many different things to so many different people and that's why i say you have
00:44:50.920
to find people that have people been involved do this alone experiences and latch on yeah i totally agree
00:45:00.280
yeah when i hear dark i'm like got it you feel alone in this right and there's guys in the ic
00:45:05.960
right like reach out for sure all right jeremy coffee what blind spots do you think most men in
00:45:12.640
the iron council have yet to address i mean everybody's different there's there's um the
00:45:23.320
biggest blind spot anybody i mean the the large majority of guys coming into the ic um are just
00:45:31.720
starting a self-improvement uh yeah path you know and and so um the biggest blind spot for most of
00:45:41.220
them is they don't know what they want i mean that's everybody so the biggest blind spot is is figuring out
00:45:47.860
what they actually want who they want to be um you know and and then and then once you start in
00:45:56.600
that path then finding out what the the actual answer to that question is because i think
00:46:05.840
everybody's got this idea when they start of who they want to be but then once they start on the path
00:46:11.300
it changes you know and so the blind spot is is first knowing and then once you've figured that out
00:46:18.380
um keep it moving you know keep it evolving um being willing to pivot and to shift and to change
00:46:27.840
um that's the biggest blind spot i say not knowing what you want and then not willing to put
00:46:34.860
the effort in you know that's probably the second thing i see in all the teams is you know the large
00:46:42.160
majority of the people um show up quarter after quarter after quarter with the same issues with
00:46:48.440
the same challenges um mainly because when you look at the their accountability and their numbers
00:46:55.060
for the quadrants and you know the percentages that they put up for putting in the work for those
00:47:02.800
things the percentages stay low and those are you know the people with the with the most consistent
00:47:11.980
challenges um just not willing to change right so know what you want and then be willing to change to
00:47:20.620
get it yeah i was going to find this amazing quote but i can't find it darn it i'll i'll just say it
00:47:29.080
briefly i i actually think the biggest hurdle for anybody is is self-awareness like i i think it's the
00:47:40.120
foundation of it all right if we can't like if i can't like daily habits and oh i'm struggling if
00:47:47.120
we're not even self-aware on why we're doing what we're doing and what triggers me and if you're not
00:47:55.180
even willing to look inside there's nothing to work with like sean if you were my coach and i was like
00:48:03.380
highly not self-aware like i'm assuming like after one session you'd be like dude kip right i'm
00:48:09.720
counseling my coaching with you why because it's not it's all going to fall on deaf ears you're not
00:48:15.520
even internalizing enough to consider the idea of your role in it yeah yeah but yeah but that's the
00:48:24.040
worst but my circumstance you can hear as a coach yeah like the the reality of it is anybody that's
00:48:30.880
has what's used to use what's use this word anybody that's had a paradigm shift or transformational
00:48:37.080
move in their life i think in all cases it was rooted in becoming hyper aware of their creation
00:48:46.020
and what i mean their creation is that my upset at work is mine that my mediocre marriage
00:48:55.380
i created that my broken relationship with parents i created that until you're in that space there's
00:49:05.240
nothing for you to even take responsibility for it and if you can't take responsibility for
00:49:10.420
anything there's nothing for you to learn and grow from yeah
00:49:13.780
now whether that's the biggest issue in the i see or not that there's probably a different
00:49:19.860
i don't know maybe it's transcendent right that's the struggle i think though yeah i mean it's coming
00:49:28.060
from two guys that are mainly in coaching positions it's i i think that's it it's not much deeper than
00:49:35.420
that yeah okay we're gonna hop over to facebook how much how much time do you have you have one
00:49:43.120
one or two more questions yeah oh man maybe we should skip facebook i'm like looking at the length of this
00:49:50.060
question uh let me jump down a little bit robert galt how do you handle co-parenting your boys after
00:49:58.980
your marriage broke down did you move to uh okay see like this is like a ryan question
00:50:05.840
best ways to handle alcoholism sorry guys i should have read these ahead of time
00:50:11.740
okay let's go with this one nan alive many men are dealing with x or co-workers or clients and
00:50:21.200
customers that are doing the typical character defamation and reputation destruction that women do
00:50:28.080
how should a man handle a gossiping slanderous woman yes
00:50:35.880
by the way men do it just as much as women they're just more passive aggressive about it
00:50:44.180
we just hide it we're not as open with it that's the only difference totally passive aggressive
00:50:50.500
i mean honestly this is good though this this will be fun to riff on it yeah it will
00:51:04.760
um you know one of my favorite things that joe rogan says is don't read the comments
00:51:13.880
and so i would say don't read the comments because gossip and and slander is exactly that if it's not true
00:51:26.380
so the way you show up just in the question just in the way the question is asked i know and don't
00:51:38.640
you haven't developed the character to be able to ignore it yet you haven't developed the character
00:51:50.940
um you're allowing it to bother you um and it's probably affecting the way that you're showing up
00:52:01.400
and so um whether that's true or not only you know um but like all you can really do is what you can
00:52:12.660
control you can't control what people say or do in the workplace or whatever else you could just show
00:52:17.520
up as your best now if you're in a that toxic of an environment you know then maybe it's time to
00:52:24.760
find a new environment to work in and do your best you know but if you've been working at your top level
00:52:32.780
of performance in your job and you've been empathic and you've been you know a good person and you
00:52:41.180
do the work well and you treat people right um and
00:52:46.560
you are constantly working on yourself and you've improved and you're you know gaining more
00:52:55.240
knowledge for the position whether it's education or experience or going out on your own to get better
00:53:02.120
in it as you're doing those things and as you're increasing your skill set and your character and
00:53:09.260
developing your your relationship and communication skills and you're doing those things you'll hear
00:53:18.280
less of that noise because you're going to be too busy in the work of being better to pay too much
00:53:24.900
attention to it and you're going to realize like i can't be in this toxic environment but you're going
00:53:31.900
to be valuable enough to be able to go somewhere else and be fine um or if you stay trapped in it
00:53:40.480
and it making you feel shitty for lack of a better way to explain it um and that affects your work and
00:53:52.140
it affects your relationship with those people and the way that you treat them um and the way that
00:53:58.360
they treat you then that's perpetual and it's the the situation's not going to improve so a man should
00:54:08.460
a man should handle it by being better you know it's like like you've just talked about with
00:54:17.460
people's marriage right if you have a bad marriage you probably have to show it better now it doesn't
00:54:24.100
take the responsibility completely off your wife either but you still have to show it better
00:54:29.760
right and so it it's the same at work it's and it doesn't matter if it's a gossiping woman or a man or
00:54:38.520
a boss or a you know an understudy it doesn't matter it's you have to show up better and through that
00:54:47.600
process you'll have more choices to make your circumstance better and if not it's the the
00:54:55.380
situation's going to be perpetual yeah it's out it's outside your control right helplessness in
00:55:03.480
life victim mentality is worrying about things that you can't change right so like you know and i think
00:55:09.240
there's an element of this sean like there's just going to be crazy especially on the internet right
00:55:14.480
and you don't even know people right so like who knows right and some work environments suck
00:55:20.180
right if you work at walmart like you can't expect the best working environment if you work at a place
00:55:26.820
like that right if you work at the dmv like how happy are you going to be in your job you know and
00:55:33.380
sorry if that's your job if as i'm saying that but you can't have the expectations that there's going
00:55:38.900
to be this magical environment that you work in right totally totally here's the other
00:55:44.320
thought too and and i there's a balance here there's there's a there's a balance in what i'm
00:55:50.000
about to say right man so so take this for what it's worth there's power and understanding
00:55:54.780
there's always power and understanding and and most of our upset is because we're not curious enough
00:56:03.920
why people are doing what they're doing now i'm not saying it justifies their actions but your upset
00:56:09.540
kind of goes away when you critically think when you get curious and then you're like got it she
00:56:17.740
totally is slender in my name because that's rooted in this and who knows what and it's probably like
00:56:23.200
this other thing and it really doesn't have to do with me but it feels makes her feel validated
00:56:27.340
in her circumstance got it that's a little crazy but whatever
00:56:32.140
right we actually think in most cases that people walking around and they think about us all the
00:56:40.620
time oh man you know kip is this and kip is that like they spend their day thinking about how bad i am
00:56:47.380
you think that trust me they're not worried about you most people walk around 100 consumed about
00:56:56.120
themselves they are so wrapped up about how they look and how they're validated and how they're
00:57:02.260
perceived by everyone else they don't give a shit about you and in fact most attacks on you is really
00:57:09.400
a way of propping themselves up because they're more worried about how they look than how bad you look
00:57:14.280
you you don't think slanderous even online things have more to do with propping up and stroking their
00:57:21.400
own ego of course it is right no one no most people are not spending their lives trying to ruin
00:57:30.460
your reputation most people are going throughout their lives trying to prop themselves up to look good
00:57:36.400
and it's not it doesn't take much for us to validate this is true anyone listening that goes
00:57:43.780
well i don't know if i agree with you kip all right you tell me why did you wear the clothes you put
00:57:49.780
on this morning why do you drive the car that you drive why do you talk the way you talk
00:57:55.300
you don't think those are all rooted in looking good and the avoidance of looking bad
00:58:01.580
of course they are of course they are so realize the human condition people are self-obsessed
00:58:11.340
and most slanderous things that people do are on the back side of them worrying about themselves
00:58:18.920
so don't give them so much credit or maybe don't give you're so much credit yourself credit that
00:58:23.920
people are so wrapped up in ruining our lives they don't they're they just want to prop themselves up
00:58:28.920
right and and i'm not saying it justifies the actions i'm not saying that i'm just it's it's good
00:58:34.860
to understand it it allows us when you critically think we don't think we don't take things as personal
00:58:43.840
all right one more question you good sean sounds good all right um here we go dustin meyer
00:58:56.100
when faced with difficult circumstances in life there are ways out of the funk but when feeling so
00:59:03.460
depressed hopeless and downright drained of life how do you learn to cope and become better when feelings
00:59:10.840
are so strong to just give up i learned how to manage and come out on top but i post this knowing
00:59:18.460
this answer is never talked about enough lost too many good friends and battle buddies because they
00:59:23.940
gave up too quickly well i mean with this it's um
00:59:31.580
i mean the question is being asked from the the standpoint of how do i get out of the funk and i think
00:59:40.040
i answered it with the earlier question you have to reach out um you just have to ask somebody
00:59:49.780
um and then if you're not going to reach out directly and ask about the circumstance and the
00:59:56.860
the feelings of depression that you're having um then another thing you need to do immediately
01:00:04.780
is get active in something you know and and uh no matter what it is you go out you know like
01:00:12.660
you we talk a lot about jujitsu right like show up to a gym um show up to a if you like basketball
01:00:19.480
you show up to a park where they play basketball and you just start playing basketball get active like
01:00:25.580
actively engaged physically in something and if you can do it daily um that's going to be a giant help
01:00:34.100
for you um you know and and so stay active um in something and then build up a brotherhood of some
01:00:44.000
sort um in that activity where you're comfortable and in reaching out and having conversations and
01:00:51.640
talking um you know obviously people talk about therapy a lot um it's like you see a lot of this
01:00:58.380
um this guy i'm not assuming that this guy's is is military or maybe ex-military um but that's what
01:01:08.220
it sounds like um you know and it's like i have so many friends um you know that are in that
01:01:16.280
circumstance um i have tons of friends that were in the teams in different ways and you know like i
01:01:23.460
have a gosh a good handful of them now that have done ibogaine treatments you know so that's a big one
01:01:30.340
um for guys that's that's just got legalized in texas um used to have to go to mexico and do it
01:01:37.220
and um in other places but there's you know those kinds of things that they're coming out with now
01:01:44.060
um maybe looking into some of that um you know but either way the combination of being active
01:01:51.280
and reaching out and having those conversations you know and then us as as friends he's talking
01:01:59.520
about i've had too many friends i think it's also up to us when we know guys that have been through
01:02:04.680
traumatic things or whatever you know that could be or that just personality wise can get pulled
01:02:09.780
towards more depressing thoughts that it's important that we reach out every now and then
01:02:15.000
you know and just ask them how they're doing right and so it's a it's a hard one because the the
01:02:22.340
the worst part of depression is you feel alone and when you feel alone you stay you tend to
01:02:30.680
stay alone and so you need to do things that break you out of being alone you know and so whether it's
01:02:39.100
physical activity and getting out with people um and then like i said being engaged in conversations
01:02:45.620
about the things you're struggling with it's you have to do one of the two or both ideally
01:02:52.160
um is really your your best starting point yeah love it man i i don't have much to add i i you hit
01:03:00.840
the nail on the head for me or about loneliness it's it's not about doing hard things it's about
01:03:07.840
doing hard things and you don't feel that people see you and what you're dealing with and you don't
01:03:16.080
have an outlet that that's the hard part and i and what's fascinating like you know i'm i don't know
01:03:24.400
about you sean but there's been multiple times where i'm like in the funk and i just have a conversation
01:03:30.200
with someone and i feel like a hundred percent better a hundred percent better and mostly because
01:03:36.100
they can relate and they're like oh man yeah me too and and i'm like okay and it kind of like
01:03:41.220
i'm not alone in the suffering and and it's relatable and and this is why this is why this
01:03:50.400
conversation is so important um for men to have even if they're not at the level of like suicidal
01:04:00.200
because it creates it possible for other guys that it's okay for me to have that conversation with
01:04:07.600
kip because kip had that conversation with me right it it models the behavior right and this is why
01:04:15.160
what we do in the iron council this is why it's important that men surround themselves with like
01:04:20.860
minded guys you don't want losers in your circle no right those guys are not going to give you the
01:04:27.600
even proper advice that you need to have in fact if anything they're going to throw a bottle in
01:04:31.700
in your hand and say just sedate yourself that that's not what a good friend does but you need
01:04:38.580
guys that are open that are enlisting you in their struggles and when we do that as men we help others
01:04:45.320
we open up that opportunity and that possibility for them to do the same so whether you're depressed or
01:04:52.680
really struggling open up open up with guys in your circle you're serving them by doing that and it's
01:05:00.920
good for you too but that's how trust gets formed this is why there's such strong power in being
01:05:07.700
authentic it's not just like oh i have someone to talk to no when i'm opened up with sean and i'm
01:05:14.700
expressive about a struggle that i have our relationship in increases our relationship gets more trust why
01:05:23.880
because i put something out there and sean didn't run on me he didn't went oh you know what screw i hate
01:05:30.900
kip now and if he doesn't do that then my relationship with you just increased and it
01:05:37.600
increased why because now you know you can have that conversation with me right that's the power
01:05:43.060
of relationships and us being able to be raw with one another right and authentic with one another and
01:05:48.720
so if you're one of those guys it's like you have a good good group of friends and you want them to be
01:05:53.560
more open guess what the call to action is you need to be more open then lead show them how it's done
01:06:01.020
right and show them that it's it's it's fine and nothing's wrong with us sharing our struggles with
01:06:06.980
one another yeah and like as you're saying that i'm also thinking how i mentioned it's up to us to
01:06:12.880
reach out or whatever i mean um even in this conversation i had the thought of as i mentioned
01:06:19.620
the ibogaine stuff the reason i mentioned is i have three different friends that have done it and
01:06:23.680
that's like they swear by it it's been life-changing for them i mean like deep depression had a gun in
01:06:31.020
their mouth have tried to commit suicide you know one of them was committed suicide i think three times
01:06:37.620
you know and and unsuccessfully thank goodness um and with pills and things like that got the treatments
01:06:45.380
and he's he hasn't had those thoughts anymore right and he's a stud and all these things but as i'm
01:06:51.060
saying it like i still don't know enough like i'm thinking okay does the va help are they because it's
01:06:58.480
legal now are they helping you know take care of some of the cost with this because obviously there's
01:07:03.280
cost right and that's an excuse people come up with to not do these things or whatever so like me as a
01:07:08.480
person who wants to help guys with this and and willing to have these conversations i also think it's
01:07:13.380
important that as we hear about these things if we're in i guess you could say a leadership role
01:07:18.160
or at least you know a position to maybe help you know uh direct guys that we know are having issues
01:07:27.140
with these things is also be as informed as we can you know to make sure that we're giving the best
01:07:34.000
advice like as i say that i i found in myself a gap like i should probably know if the va now that it's
01:07:40.260
legal is helping take care of some of these costs because that's valuable information right to be
01:07:44.740
able to give and just the more informed we can have and the more we can help navigate people to to
01:07:50.900
positive spaces is uh it's only beneficial for all of us yeah absolutely sean thanks again man
01:07:59.780
always a great conversation with you uh thanks guys who submitted the questions i mean some of these
01:08:04.860
are kind of heavy man it was it was a good stuff it's not and i shouldn't even make i shouldn't
01:08:10.520
even say heavy right because now it has like even a negative undertone they're perfect great discussions
01:08:15.940
real raw right things that we should be talking about so thanks guys for submitting those questions
01:08:21.260
to learn more about the um iron council go to order of man.com slash iron council and as always you
01:08:27.300
can connect with all things order of man really by going to order of man.com sign up for the
01:08:32.580
newsletter we have a store for swag and all that other stuff so join us there sean thanks again
01:08:39.180
brother appreciate you um appreciate our relationship and uh men until friday for further for the friday
01:08:46.160
field notes take action and become the man you were meant to be thank you for listening to the order of
01:08:51.640
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01:08:56.700
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