Order of Man - Overcoming Paralysis By Analysis, Dealing with Your Anger, and Harnessing Past Regrets

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.020 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.480 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.500 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.760 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:25.020 Kip, what's going on, man? Glad to be back for another Ask Me Anything.

00:00:27.740 I've got to tell you, I might be talking a little faster than normal.

00:00:31.260 Do I talk fast? Some people say I talk fast.

00:00:34.240 But I might be going a little faster than normal because it is crunch time for our event this weekend.

00:00:39.740 I'm a little stressed, to say the least.

00:00:42.120 So you're just in crunch time mode. So everything that you do, you're just like, let's get this going.

00:00:45.680 Let's go. Hurry up. We've got stuff to do.

00:00:47.560 I have shit to do.

00:00:48.160 That's right. That's exactly right. So I've got a list of things.

00:00:52.280 In fact, I made a post in the Iron Council this morning, and I said,

00:00:54.600 Hey guys, look, if you're anything like me on Mondays, you get overwhelmed with all that you

00:01:00.000 need to get done. I get it. I understand. That's indicative of you wanting to accomplish things.

00:01:04.820 Don't let it paralyze you. And that's what I've noticed a lot of guys do. I've done it in the

00:01:08.960 past where you have just so much going on that you're paralyzed and you don't do any of it.

00:01:14.520 My advice is make your list first thing in the morning, which is what I did this morning,

00:01:18.500 and pick the easiest thing, the thing that you can just get done the quickest and get

00:01:24.180 it done. That way you start building momentum. Don't look at anything else. Just do the one

00:01:28.700 thing right now. Then only then once you're done, do you move on to the next one? So that's

00:01:34.460 what I'm in the process of right now. And I was digging a hole for a flagpole before I came

00:01:39.880 in to record this podcast.

00:01:41.300 Nice. No, it's funny. I have the perfect analogy of what you're talking about. So

00:01:47.140 we're at the lake over the weekend. We're putting in a dock for a boat and there's all

00:01:52.560 these cattails and reeds and, and willows just everywhere, right? In the beach. So we're

00:01:59.140 having to clear this out. And I have my two, two boys with me and I look over and Chiave

00:02:05.840 is just standing there in the water. Just, he like stopped working and he's just steady

00:02:11.080 there staring at the ground. And I'm like, and I, and I just say that that at first I

00:02:16.120 thought, how long is he going to sit there and do nothing? Right. Cause I feel like, I

00:02:21.440 feel like I'm always nagging these guys like keep working. Like stop taking breaks. Like

00:02:25.880 it's just so annoying. So anyhow, I'm just like sitting there and he just, he's just

00:02:30.160 standing there just staring. And then all of a sudden I'm like, Chiave, what are you

00:02:35.160 doing? And he goes, there's just so much. Oh yeah. And I'm like, well, it's not going

00:02:42.260 to get any less with you just standing there. But it's funny because it paralyzed him. He

00:02:47.240 was, he was looking at it going, there is so much to do. And he, and he just didn't, you

00:02:52.040 know, I felt overwhelmed by it. It was kind of funny that he brought this up. Cause I'm

00:02:55.200 like, that's totally what he was doing. How it goes, man. It's how it goes. Don't let

00:02:59.400 it paralyze you. Just keep your head down and keep working. That's the best thing you can

00:03:03.740 do. And, and you know what, at the end of the day, you'll look at it and you'll, you'll

00:03:06.500 see, you know, I actually accomplished a ton and you'll feel good about that. That's

00:03:10.080 actually one of the things that I, that's been on my mind a lot lately. Cause we, we

00:03:14.480 deal with a lot of guys who are down and depressed and potentially even suicidal. And

00:03:20.140 you know, there's a lot of mental health issues and things like that, that we can certainly

00:03:22.940 address. And maybe we ought to in the wake of some, some horrific mass shootings over

00:03:27.680 the weekend. But a lot of this is just that men aren't being productive.

00:03:33.740 And I really think that when men aren't productive, they aren't working towards something meaningful

00:03:38.940 and significant in their lives. Then they just, they get down on themselves and they beat

00:03:44.020 themselves up and they get depressed or suicidal or potentially violent. And, and it lashes out

00:03:49.040 in different ways. My mom, when, when I was growing up, she would always say idle hands are

00:03:52.760 the devil's workshop, right? I'm sure a lot of moms said that as a kid. Yeah, but it's true.

00:03:57.560 And I think it's specifically true for young men and, and men and boys, because we need something

00:04:04.420 to do. And if they're sitting around, they're going to turn all that masculine energy into

00:04:08.220 something potentially destructive rather than constructive. So don't be idle, find something

00:04:13.420 meaningful, find something significant, and then put your hands and your back and your mind

00:04:17.700 towards that thing. And I think that solves a lot of these, uh, depression and anxiety and

00:04:22.840 potentially even suicidal problems that we see in a lot of guys, unfortunately.

00:04:25.940 Yeah. I actually think something that compounds that is what you covered in Friday field notes

00:04:31.100 this past week, which was someone having your six, someone having your back. You take that low

00:04:36.920 self-esteem, you take that lack of purpose and then also be isolated and someone that doesn't have

00:04:43.200 your back that even makes it way worse. Yeah. It's rough. Yeah. It's rough. Um, yeah. I mean,

00:04:48.520 that's why I did that. It was funny because I get so many, it's not funny. I shouldn't say it that

00:04:52.560 way. It's, it's interesting that I get so many messages and texts and things like that. Emails

00:04:57.120 from guys who quite literally say, I don't have anybody else I can turn to. Yeah. And it's, it's

00:05:04.300 not, obviously it's not good for men. So that's why I did that Friday field notes. If you guys

00:05:09.800 aren't subscribed, make sure you listen and you subscribe because that Friday field notes on

00:05:13.560 who's got your six is critical and how you can build a band of brothers and guys who are going to

00:05:17.340 rally behind you and that you can rally behind and really uplift and edify each other. It's critical

00:05:21.320 that guys have this. And that's the benefit of the iron council, right? I mean, these guys that

00:05:26.920 don't have, they're not around like-minded men. Cause let's be honest, not everyone's going to have

00:05:31.080 your six. Like you, you might have guys that you went to high school with or guys that you went to

00:05:35.600 college and let's be honest. Like they're your friends strictly by chance and coincidence. It's

00:05:39.860 not really like you handpick them. Well, and some of them you've just been holding on too long for too.

00:05:45.120 It's like, I know a lot of guys are like, well, you know, I have this buddy and I really want to

00:05:49.100 save him and I'm trying to be loyal to him. And it's like, you know, I get it. I appreciate your,

00:05:54.140 your loyalty and your desire to serve and help. But you know, at some point we evolve, you know,

00:05:59.600 we evolve out of old relationships. And I'm not saying you need to leave anybody in the dust who,

00:06:03.960 who needs a hand up. I'm just saying at some point you can't save everybody and you need to

00:06:08.900 evolve and grow physically, mentally, emotionally. And then of course, relationally as well. And there's

00:06:14.360 going to be people in your life who you outgrow flat out. You're just outgrown who they are and

00:06:19.740 they're no longer serving you and you can't serve them. So you've got to sever those ties in a way

00:06:24.740 and, and continue to evolve in your relationships as well. Yeah. Well, Ryan, do you want to tell the

00:06:30.620 guys what episode of the podcast this is? Well, you said, so last week you said, I think you said 52

00:06:36.340 last week, but it looked like it was 51 last week. I know it's funny. Cause I, I said the same thing.

00:06:42.480 And then I was, my wife, we were talking, she's like, how long have you guys been doing the AMA?

00:06:46.260 And I'm like, Oh, it's been a year. Yeah. And then I, for this is quite, maybe this, I don't know

00:06:52.200 what this means about me, but, um, I downloaded our first app and re-listened to it just as a

00:06:58.720 comparison of like, okay, like how have I progressed? Am I getting any better? Is it worse? Who knows what?

00:07:04.500 Right. And that was actually August 15th of last year. Yeah. So I'm like, okay, well then I must

00:07:12.540 have accidentally did counted wrong. Yeah. I think we were on, uh, 51. And in fact, I know,

00:07:20.540 cause I was looking at it, but yeah, uh, 51 last week, 52. So it's our, it's our one year

00:07:25.640 anniversary this week. So I'm going to send you a present, maybe some chocolates and a teddy bear

00:07:31.420 and some flowers would be nice as well. You can just bring them, man. You're coming up this

00:07:35.980 weekend. So just bring them with you. I know I'll bring you some flowers this weekend. All right.

00:07:39.340 Perfect. And then you'll kick my butt in jujitsu and it'll even itself out. All right. Oh man,

00:07:44.620 I'm so injured. Enough. Good. Where, where are you hurting? Yeah. Nowhere. Nowhere. I feel totally

00:07:50.420 healthy. I already know what it is. It's your weak hip. I don't know which side it is, but I'll go for

00:07:56.340 both of them. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Enough wasting time guys. Now that we've killed

00:08:01.160 seven minutes of your day that you'll never be able to get back, uh, we are answering your

00:08:05.200 questions, questions from the iron council, which we mentioned earlier. And then also our Facebook

00:08:08.960 group, almost 60,000 guys over there now, which is absolutely incredible. And a testament to,

00:08:13.400 you know, I'm just going to say the work that we're doing, we're just doing great work. Uh,

00:08:16.840 and I, and I try to dance around that a little bit, but I don't want to dance around that. We do

00:08:20.800 great work for men and that's why we're growing the way that we're growing. And, uh, it's,

00:08:25.080 it's evident that this message of reclaiming and restoring genuine masculinity is needed now more

00:08:30.200 than ever. And that's why there's so many men that are banded with us and we're glad you're here.

00:08:33.540 So let's answer the questions. Okay. So we have fostered questions really from two different

00:08:38.840 sources. One is from the exclusive brotherhood, the iron council. You can learn more about that

00:08:43.640 at order of man.com slash iron council. And then from that secured Facebook group, uh, to join us

00:08:48.900 there, that's facebook.com slash groups slash order of man. These first two questions, which is

00:08:56.060 really interesting that this just immediately coincided with how we kind of kicked off this

00:09:01.420 call around self-esteem and confidence. And, you know, you mentioned the, the mass shootings over

00:09:06.660 the weekend and this first question by George Sykes, I really felt like when I first read this

00:09:12.540 this morning, I thought, dude, we could, we could, we could riff on this for like a whole hour. Yeah.

00:09:18.860 I mean, uh, not that we will, but, but there's so much here, right. That's really important. And,

00:09:24.280 and Cody, Cody Gould, he had a similar question. So let's go over George's and then we can cover

00:09:29.100 Cody's and see what, what gets missed, uh, between these two. So George Sykes question, he says,

00:09:34.500 what are your thoughts on self-esteem and what do you, what, uh, what do you define it as and where do

00:09:42.660 you think it comes from and how important do you think it is to you? Wow. Yeah, we can riff on this for a

00:09:47.660 long time. So let's talk about what it is first. What is self-esteem? Uh, it's, it's believing in

00:09:53.140 your, yourself enough that drives you to action. It's really what it is. It's a level of confidence

00:09:56.940 in yourself and clarity that will push you towards taking decisive, meaningful action in your life.

00:10:03.260 Because if you look at what the opposite is, it's, it's, uh, self-esteem issues, right? But it's,

00:10:09.040 it's causes people from moving forward, from growing, from expanding, from trying new things,

00:10:15.000 from taking a few calculated risks, from saying yes to things that might potentially impact them

00:10:19.780 in a positive way because they don't think they can do it. So it's self-destructive in nature.

00:10:24.380 Self-esteem on the other hand is something that you've earned over time through enough action

00:10:28.980 that causes you to continue to move forward and progress. Although things might be scary or

00:10:34.640 uncomfortable or new or awkward, you're willing to take a step into that thing because you have faith

00:10:40.020 that you can learn and develop and grow and step in and be relatively successful in the things that

00:10:45.960 you try. And I've been on both ends of the spectrum and it is a spectrum. It's not like you're either

00:10:50.700 confident or you're not. It's some things you might be more confident in some things you might

00:10:56.120 have less self-esteem in, but it's really just believing in yourself enough. That's going to push

00:11:00.900 you forward. It's going to drive you to action and that's going to create something meaningful

00:11:04.800 in your life. Now, where does this stem from? Self-esteem stems from productivity. There's a thing

00:11:13.080 that a lot of people believe and it's misguided at best and potentially even destructive and damaging

00:11:17.500 at worst that you're just entitled to feel good about yourself. This is the dad, Bob movement. This is

00:11:23.820 the body positive movement. This is the, just be happy with who you are movement. It's misguided at

00:11:30.120 best. And I understand what these people who subscribe to this belief are saying. I kind of

00:11:35.020 get what they're going for, which is that you should feel good about who you are as a person and

00:11:39.200 your worth as a human being. But I'm just telling you, and I think this is specific or, or more true,

00:11:45.340 I should say for men that we gain self-esteem by doing work and being productive and producing.

00:11:54.520 And if we aren't doing those things, then we're going to have self-esteem issues. So if you're sitting

00:11:59.660 back and you're trying to tell yourself and convince yourself, I love myself, I'm amazing.

00:12:03.940 And I, I deserve the best. And yet you aren't doing any work towards that being fulfilled. Then

00:12:10.500 you're, you're BSing yourself. You're lying to yourself. And even worse, you're creating this

00:12:15.440 internal dialogue that's at odds with each other. So you're trying to convince yourself how wonderful

00:12:20.700 you are. And in the very next breath, because you know, that's BS, your, your, your, your next thought

00:12:26.180 is, well, no, you're not. Cause you really haven't done anything or you're not doing anything

00:12:28.940 today. And that is your integrity gap. Right. Right. And that internal dialogue and struggle

00:12:34.160 is a problem. I would rather be honest with myself and say, not that I love myself for all that I

00:12:40.160 haven't done, but say, you know what? I'm not happy with my level of production. I'm not happy with

00:12:46.740 my lack of results. So instead of going down that path, I'm going to do X, Y, Z moving forward.

00:12:54.460 Now I'm not lying to myself. I'm being truthful with myself. I'm not satisfied with where I am.

00:13:00.880 And I'm going to do these things in order to be more proud of who I am as an individual. So it's

00:13:07.240 not just something you have. It's something that you earn. And again, you earn to wrap this up in a

00:13:12.600 pretty bow. You earn self-esteem through meaningful and productive action towards your desired objectives

00:13:20.840 and goals. So if you don't have self-esteem, if, excuse me, if you have self-esteem issues,

00:13:26.060 do more work, more productive work and get after the things that are meaningful to you.

00:13:30.940 Yeah. And I think as parents, we need to look at what are we doing to create that environment for

00:13:36.400 our children to build that self-esteem, right? Are you, are you patting them on the back for doing

00:13:42.260 nothing? Are you teaching them to work, to fill the values of reward and, and creating that in that

00:13:50.340 environment by which allows them to grow that self-esteem? I, I really do think a lot of parents

00:13:55.280 we're almost creating these, these incubators that have, that don't even make this possible

00:14:00.960 for kids to even learn self-esteem or to grow their self-esteem for themselves. Right. And to build that

00:14:07.660 confidence. Well, yeah, I mean, I, I, we live in this environment where kids are given everything

00:14:11.660 and, and it's feels good now, but it's a short-term fix to a long-term problem, a 70,

00:14:19.080 80 year problem of these kids being alive and being on this earth and through this,

00:14:23.420 this earthly experience. But if you make it a little more difficult for them now,

00:14:29.120 not for the sake of it being difficult, but to forge them, for them to grow, right?

00:14:33.440 If you do that now, and that's uncomfortable, parents don't want to do that. I don't want my

00:14:37.000 kids to suffer, but I realized it's not easy. It's uncomfortable. It sucks. It's miserable in a lot

00:14:42.020 of ways. When I have to get after my children and discipline them, who wants to do that? That's not fun,

00:14:46.980 but that's, I mean, your job is not as a parent, as a father is not to have fun.

00:14:53.360 Your job as a father is to raise self-sufficient, fully self-reliant contributing members of society,

00:15:00.120 which means that you need to do difficult things. You need to have difficult conversations. You need

00:15:06.400 to see them flail and struggle a little bit, not when they're in danger, but when it's, there's some

00:15:12.180 pressure and there's some adversity, let them figure it out. Don't be so quick to rush in to

00:15:18.180 save them. And that's the problem we see with a bunch of these kids who feel entitled to everything

00:15:21.860 and just yapping over nothing and think they're entitled to everything. It's like, go out and

00:15:26.900 earn something, but they've never learned that, right? And they've never learned the consequences

00:15:31.200 of poor behavior. You give them a participation trophy. We have clever little sayings like showing

00:15:36.440 up is half the battle. No, it isn't. It's like, that's your ticket to entry. You haven't even

00:15:41.040 started the battle. Like, like stop giving these kids a pass, stop giving ourselves a pass and

00:15:46.260 let's make it tougher on ourselves so that we're more adequate to deal with real hardship. Not

00:15:50.640 that some, somebody flipped us off on, on the road or that some 16 year old put the wrong flavor in

00:15:57.700 your mocha Frappuccino or whatever it is people get upset about. It's crazy. It's because they don't

00:16:01.700 have enough real issues to worry about. Yeah. So Cody had specific questions around the same topic.

00:16:07.540 So let me read off his question. Let's see if there's any additional items that you'd add.

00:16:12.080 Yeah. Uh, it's by Cody gold. He says, how do you build confidence? My greatest downfall is that I

00:16:17.500 have a very low self-esteem and little to no confidence. It held me back from joining the IC

00:16:22.720 for almost two years and it holds me back at work today. I feel this is a very, uh, this might be a

00:16:28.820 side effect from my divorce and my ex's affairs, but something I cannot seem to break past of.

00:16:33.720 It's gotten me so bad. I even avoid calling vendors for my work, which limits my potential

00:16:39.600 and makes my job even harder. What are some tactics that I could add to my battle plan to

00:16:44.480 help me break through this? Uh, based on what I'm hearing, I think you're, you're hanging on to some

00:16:49.940 past experiences and you haven't rectified those experiences or learned the lesson. And because you

00:16:55.980 haven't learned and applied the lesson, you're doomed to repeat it. And in a way you might even be

00:17:00.040 creating some self-fulfilling prophecy here, uh, because you're not making calls and you're not

00:17:04.820 doing the exact things that you say you need to be doing. Now you're actually fulfilling the prophecy

00:17:08.620 that you are a loser or that you're not worthy or that whatever it is you're telling yourself.

00:17:14.500 So instead of that internal dialogue, what I would say that you really need to do is begin

00:17:23.120 by focusing on what you've actually learned from your past relationship, from your past experiences,

00:17:30.360 from the hardships and trials and adversities that you've gone through. And here's the deal.

00:17:35.240 We've all gone through hardship and I'm not trying to undermine it was Cody, right? Yeah. I'm not trying

00:17:40.600 to undermine what Cody's gone through or undermine what anybody else has gone through. I'm just saying

00:17:45.100 everybody deals with hardship. There's those people who learn from it and grow and expand.

00:17:53.420 And there's other people who continue to go through the same hardship over and over and over again,

00:17:59.820 or it manifests itself in a new way, but it's an old story. Yeah. The only thing that separates those

00:18:05.780 who rehash that stuff from those who learn and grow is that they look at experiences, not as something

00:18:11.480 that happened to them that they were the victim of, but that it was an experience that they can learn

00:18:16.620 and grow and develop from. So if you're hanging on to past stories about relationships or bosses or the

00:18:23.280 economy or financial situations or a medical situation, maybe you were born with, and you're

00:18:28.440 holding onto that as something that can't be learned from, you're never going to get past that. And

00:18:34.960 you're going to start fulfilling your own prophecy and you're going to start self-sabotaging

00:18:39.580 your, your, your, your progress. So be very mindful about what you actually learn from the experience

00:18:47.780 and ask yourself, how am I a better human being because of this? So as an example, and I talk about

00:18:54.660 this at length, I keep rehashing it because I know there's a lot of new guys listening. And even those

00:18:59.540 who have been listening for any amount of time would, would benefit from this. But, uh, my, my separation

00:19:06.900 with my wife, I'm actually, I'm a better husband because I went through that. I'm a better father

00:19:13.020 because I went through that. And you know what? That was the darkest time in my entire life

00:19:18.240 going through that experience, but I'm a better human being because I went through that experience.

00:19:24.040 I think about other times in my life, you know, my, my lack of a father as I was growing up. And

00:19:28.400 I remember how lonely I was as a young man wondering why I didn't get to see my dad. And I had

00:19:34.240 stepdads who came in and out of my life and wondering what was going on there. And I thought

00:19:38.320 a lot of it had to do with me. I thought it was my fault. And now I look back and think,

00:19:43.020 man, I'm so grateful that happened because now I have a solid relationship with my children

00:19:49.780 and I don't have, they don't have to experience that. I think about my time in the military service

00:19:54.920 and some of the things that, that we saw on losing, uh, people who were close to me, uh,

00:20:01.240 brothers, military members who were close to me. And those were hard times. Those were difficult

00:20:06.900 times. And yet it's given me a whole new appreciation for the freedoms that we enjoy,

00:20:12.580 the luxuries that we have. And, and I try not to take my life and all of the little luxuries I enjoy

00:20:18.920 for granted because I went through those difficult times. So Cody, ask yourself, what have I learned?

00:20:25.580 Why am I better? How am I better? What do I still need to learn? And now once you start to,

00:20:31.500 to, to give this some, some purpose and meaning and what you've learned, I think you're going to

00:20:36.900 be able to put this into action. Okay. Well, I learned, I learned to be maybe a little bit more

00:20:42.040 reserved with, with what I share. I learned that I need to vet the women, for example, that I'm,

00:20:47.060 that I'm with, I need to vet them a little bit more and really figure out if this is somebody that

00:20:50.460 I'm willing to invest in and give a portion of my heart to. These are all things that are going to

00:20:55.380 improve you and you're going to start taking the actions necessary to grow from that lesson.

00:21:01.080 And then inevitably the self-esteem is going to come from it because you've taken the action.

00:21:05.880 You feel confident in what you've done. Does that help?

00:21:11.220 No, I think that's spot on. I mean, the only thing that, that kind of crossed my mind a little bit

00:21:15.940 is I think we, we also need to remember that, that you define who you want to be, right? Like

00:21:24.480 maybe you've made some mistakes, right? Maybe a lot of this is maybe some, a lot of this is on your

00:21:30.100 shoulders, right? And from an extreme ownership perspective, there's a huge value in you stepping

00:21:34.500 into that position of saying, Hey, you know what? Maybe, maybe I got cheated on because I didn't

00:21:40.520 establish boundaries and you don't know what can I learn from it. But, but ultimately if you don't like

00:21:44.760 what that was, like obviously learn from it, but also determine that like, you know what you define

00:21:49.500 who you are, you invent yourself, be a different man, be a confident person, right? We have this

00:21:56.120 tendency sometimes to let the world ride on us on, on our slate of canvas. And then we think that's

00:22:01.940 who we are. You decide, um, and take the, take the necessary tactics and make the necessary actions

00:22:10.280 to be that individual. It's going to be uncomfortable, but so is all growth is uncomfortable.

00:22:16.040 So you might as well be intentional about what's happening to you and what, what items you're

00:22:21.740 taking on and what struggles you're choosing to deal with. You choose what they are and, and,

00:22:27.000 and make it your, your game. Right. Um, and just, I don't know, I just far too often. I think we don't,

00:22:34.620 we, we end up being kind of victims on how we define ourselves and, and, and our, and I get our

00:22:40.500 actions to do that, but we can make the necessary actions to redefine, uh, ourselves as men. So,

00:22:46.480 yeah, I think that's exactly right. I think too many guys think that they're just the mercy of

00:22:50.160 their environment, right? We hear things like you're, you're the product of your environment.

00:22:53.700 Well, you created your environment and if you didn't create it, you inserted yourself into the

00:22:57.140 environment. So insert yourself into a new environment or create something new. That's going

00:23:02.720 to be more beneficial for you. Stop being passive. Stop believing that things are happening to you

00:23:07.300 and realize that you have a very, very active role in everything from listening to this podcast to

00:23:12.480 how your wife responds to you, to how your clients work with you, to your bank account and every other

00:23:19.620 facet of life. Stop. You know, we, we, we have these things like, Oh, I'm just, that guy's just good

00:23:24.720 genetics. He was just born with good genetics. And yeah, maybe that's true. Maybe somebody was born

00:23:29.100 with genetics that help him be more, uh, physically strong or athletic or, or good looking or whatever.

00:23:36.680 But that doesn't dismiss your ability to improve in those areas. So stop pawning that off on

00:23:42.120 something that isn't serving you. Yeah. Pramit Ball, his question is what kind of training did

00:23:50.140 you do for the Spartan Agogi and how long did it take you? Uh, how long did the training take or the

00:23:56.060 Spartan Agogi take? I I'm assuming the training, the training. So I did, I actually just followed

00:24:01.140 Mark Devine's eight weeks to seal fit. That's it. I could get into details on the specifics. I mean,

00:24:07.280 I was, I was doing CrossFit for years leading up to the event. So I was relatively healthy anyways.

00:24:12.080 Uh, I did a lot more running than I would normally do for the event. And then again,

00:24:15.600 did eight weeks to seal fit, which is actually more aptly named 12 weeks to seal fit because there's,

00:24:22.380 uh, like a four week warmup period before that gets into the actual eight weeks.

00:24:27.900 So if you're going to do the Agogi, that's what I would recommend. Cause I didn't, somebody asked

00:24:33.860 me the other day, how long it took me to recover from the Agogi, by the way, if you don't know what

00:24:36.860 that is, it's a 60 hour Spartan endurance event. And somebody asked me how long it took to recover.

00:24:42.040 I was good the next day. I'm not, I'm not saying that to like, to brag or anything. I'm just saying

00:24:47.120 like my training was good enough that I, I, we got done. It must've been, I don't know, three or four

00:24:53.080 in the afternoon on, on that day. So after 60 hours, uh, went out with the buddies, had some

00:24:58.500 pizza, got a hotel that night, crashed hard that night, pretty early woke up the next morning. I

00:25:03.820 felt good. I was good to go. So that's what I used to. How tough is that seal fit training?

00:25:09.480 The it's rough, man. It's rough. They're long, they're long workouts. I think they were taking

00:25:12.740 me anywhere from an hour and a half to two hours per, per session when I was used to an hour long

00:25:17.540 training. Yeah. So they're not, they're not easy, but they're legit for sure. It's cool.

00:25:25.000 Isaiah gray. How do you deal with other people saying you have a fragile male ego? How do you

00:25:30.980 distinguish between having a healthy sense of dignity and being insecure? I don't care what

00:25:36.140 other people say. You're like, if some, if somebody uses that term, you have, it's just your fragile

00:25:40.980 male ego talking. If somebody uses that term, that's probably not somebody that I really want to spend a

00:25:46.800 whole lot of time around anyways, because they're not smart. Like, like they're just using talking

00:25:53.100 points that they heard on CNN or wherever they heard it. And, and they feel like they just want

00:25:58.420 to throw it at you. It's just regurgitating information. It's not real clever. It's not

00:26:02.580 real intelligent. You know, if somebody really wants to have a discussion with me about my ego.

00:26:08.980 Okay. Like if, like if my wife wants to address an ego issue that maybe I have, then okay,

00:26:13.740 let's have an intelligent discussion about it. But she would never say, Oh, that's just your fragile

00:26:17.700 male ego talking. Cause that's stupid. That's not intelligent. It's just a weak response.

00:26:24.040 So if somebody is using terms like that or white privilege or toxic masculinity, that's,

00:26:32.040 I'm not interested in a discussion with that individual nine times out of 10 or, or more.

00:26:36.540 How about Isaiah's second portion of this question here? Like the distinguish between having a

00:26:41.840 healthy sense of dignity and being insecure. Do you think there's some distinguishing traits there

00:26:46.800 between, let me just make sure I'm right. A healthy sense of dignity and being insecure.

00:26:52.400 Yeah. Like maybe, maybe overly sensitive because you're having a healthy sense of dignity. I don't

00:27:00.840 know if there's like a fine line there. I don't really understand the term, like the terms and how

00:27:05.180 those, how those correspond necessarily. But let me, let me try to answer it here. Uh, just look at your

00:27:10.640 results. Just look at your results. If you're not producing the results that you desire in your

00:27:15.660 life, you might have an ego problem. It might be something else. You might just be lazy. You might

00:27:20.640 be doing the wrong thing or you might have an ego problem. So you really need to evaluate. That's

00:27:25.700 why we talk about the after action review quite a bit. It's why we have a plan in the first place to

00:27:29.020 evaluate our actions against. So look at that and ask yourself, okay, what's keeping me from

00:27:34.800 accomplishing what I want to accomplish. If you identify that you're not open or receptive to new

00:27:40.000 information through your battle plan and your after action review, then okay, good. Now, you know,

00:27:45.060 now, you know that potentially you've got an ego problem or, or you're overly sensitive about

00:27:50.400 things you shouldn't be sensitive about. Uh, I always try to look at, look at conversations that I

00:27:55.860 have and projects I'm involved with very objectively. It's hard because you're in it. So it's hard to do,

00:28:02.600 but if you could isolate yourself from the experience, for example, we're doing this podcast right now.

00:28:09.180 I think the podcast in the moment, I think it's going pretty well, but I'm going to go back after

00:28:13.840 the podcast and really think about how this conversation went. If I answered the questions

00:28:19.720 in a way that was relevant and that resonated with other men, if the answer is no, then, then I've got

00:28:25.440 to fix it. But I look at that objectively. I try to take my own feelings out of the situation.

00:28:30.580 The more you can do that, the better off you're going to be. And we can do that because we're human

00:28:33.820 beings and we have the ability to think consciously about our scenarios. So isolate yourself from the

00:28:40.380 situation or not yourself, but your emotions and your feelings from the situation. I think you'll

00:28:45.620 start to recognize pretty clearly what's going on and why you're producing less,

00:28:48.720 less than desirable results.

00:28:51.320 In those examples that you gave Ryan, and you give these a lot, right? We talk about this all the time

00:28:55.980 around doing an after action review. How formal is that? Like, do you feel like you need to write

00:29:00.580 things down for, for it to sink in or just taking the time to think and, and ponder is sufficient for

00:29:08.560 growth? I don't know if it's sufficient, but it's certainly an exercise that you can engage in,

00:29:13.120 right? It would be like saying, well, if you do, if you do 20 or 30 pushups every night,

00:29:18.400 that's not sufficient to get strong as strong as maybe you want to. Well, yeah, that's true,

00:29:22.840 but it's better than nothing. So it's not that you shouldn't do it because it won't help you

00:29:27.380 achieve your ultimate prize. It's just one more thing that you can do in the package of things

00:29:33.320 that you can do to improve who you are as a, as a, as a man. So I would say you should do both,

00:29:39.240 that there should be some sort of reflection because sometimes you can't write things down.

00:29:43.820 You might be driving down the road and thinking about how your day's going and how productive

00:29:47.220 you're being, and you're not really in the position to document anything, but it's certainly

00:29:50.140 worth thinking about and considering. And there might be something that's built into your daily

00:29:55.900 practices that becomes habitual, like, uh, journaling or a gratitude journal or a planning

00:30:01.740 process, all these things that we've talked about at length that you can do, and you should be doing

00:30:05.400 both. It's not one tool fits all. Copy. Yeah, that's good. Daniel, a point anger management.

00:30:13.360 How do you approach your anger when someone disrespects or crosses boundaries? What's the

00:30:18.020 mindset or action you pursue when you're feeling your blood to, uh, when you're starting to fill your

00:30:22.820 blood boil? My response is, what is it that I want? What is it that I want? Cause you don't want

00:30:29.580 to be angry. You want that person to probably do something different, right? If you're, for example,

00:30:34.800 you want them to uphold the boundary that you've created. And the reason that you're angry is because

00:30:39.400 they haven't done it. So ask yourself this, if I want people to respect my boundaries is the act

00:30:47.120 of getting angry with this individual going to improve this situation. Probably not. Or you're

00:30:56.300 going to ostracize them altogether and they're not going to be in your life at all, which you probably

00:31:00.660 don't want either. So instead of getting angry, what would be a better course of action that would

00:31:09.500 produce the desired result? In this case, maybe it's just having a very clear conversation.

00:31:16.440 Maybe they don't know what your boundaries are. Maybe they forgot. Maybe you aren't great at

00:31:21.940 upholding your boundaries. So people take advantage of them because you've shown a history and a pattern

00:31:26.020 of being able to bend and mold on your boundaries. And they're not really that important to you.

00:31:30.600 A lot of things that could be going on here, but to answer your question, you need to ask yourself

00:31:35.840 if angry is a tool that you should be using right now to achieve what you're after. Sometimes it is

00:31:42.900 by the way, and I'm not saying being reckless, but sometimes you can harness anger in a way that

00:31:49.960 will serve you very, very well, but you just have to be deliberate and intentional about what tools

00:31:55.460 you're using. That's why I say you need to understand your emotions and then use them effectively.

00:32:01.400 Being a man isn't, and stoicism, because we talk a lot about that, contrary to what a lot of people

00:32:07.600 think isn't about suppressing your emotions. It's not, it's about understanding your emotions.

00:32:12.620 Like I've never said men can't be sad. Men can't be angry. Men can't be this. Men shouldn't do this.

00:32:17.960 Men shouldn't express their emotions. No, I've always said men should understand them and then act

00:32:23.520 accordingly. So be mad. I would be mad. If somebody crossed my boundary, I would be mad,

00:32:28.700 but I would approach it in a way that produced the desired result. The next time this happened

00:32:36.340 and, and blowing up, isn't going to, isn't going to do that.

00:32:40.980 Right. And I think as we get better at understanding our emotions, I think we can

00:32:46.500 even use that to even understand the other individual and understand that sometimes this

00:32:52.180 quote unquote crossing of the boundary or disrespect by someone else is probably unintended.

00:32:57.320 Yeah. I don't think people are out deliberately to get you.

00:33:00.980 Exactly. Like how many times, yeah, every parent or every dad probably listening,

00:33:05.840 you've been angry with your kids. And in most cases, whatever caused your anger towards them

00:33:12.640 was probably ill. Meaning they weren't intentionally trying to disrespect you. You, you, you interpret it

00:33:20.320 as such, but they were just having fun or they were just playing or you know what I'm saying? Or you

00:33:24.820 didn't establish a clear boundary with them. And thus they thought that was appropriate. Like

00:33:28.860 once we're, once we kind of tackle managing our own emotions, I think we can let that bleed into

00:33:34.240 also helping us understand other individuals and not jump to so much more meaning. We kind of put on

00:33:42.600 other people's actions, right? And how it reflects on ourselves.

00:33:45.260 And this is why I said, I mean, really coming back to looking at your own life objectively.

00:33:50.200 Yeah.

00:33:50.760 You got to think, I mean, are you out to piss people off? No. So you, you've kind of got to assume

00:33:57.180 that 90% of the people out there are more off out to piss you off. They're just selfish, right? Or

00:34:02.340 they're just, or they have their own agenda or whatever, but they're not trying to piss you off.

00:34:06.420 So figure it out and then act accordingly.

00:34:09.420 Yeah. Jay Dardulio, what's your take on regrets? Specifically, what strategies do you use to get

00:34:17.120 past regrets? I think we actually kind of addressed this one, right? Your regrets are about learning

00:34:22.480 from them and repackaging them or reframing them in a way that they serve you. There's things that I

00:34:29.500 wish I would have done differently, but I didn't. So there's no point on dwelling on, on what's happened

00:34:35.100 in the past, other than using it as fuel to propel myself and do something different in, in the

00:34:40.340 future. So yeah, don't, don't dwell on it. Just say, okay, well that sucked. You know, I, I, I messed

00:34:47.940 that up. I botched that. What, what can I do now to ensure I don't do that moving forward? I would also

00:34:53.080 say tie up any loose ends. A lot of the times guys, maybe you wrong somebody, you know, maybe you took

00:34:59.800 advantage of someone or you stole from a business partner or any number of things that could happen.

00:35:03.780 And you're having regrets because you're, you're probably a pretty good person in spite of what

00:35:10.480 you've done. So you realize it was a mistake and you feel guilty about it. Okay. Well, if you feel

00:35:16.760 guilty, then, then fix it. Sometimes it's a simple apology. I got after my boys, I think last week or

00:35:22.080 something. I'd mentioned it on, I don't know, Instagram or somewhere. And, and I really got off after

00:35:26.320 them. I really got on them. And, and looking back, I felt really bad about it because I know it wasn't

00:35:34.140 good behavior. It wasn't fatherly behavior. It wasn't behavior that I strive to do. So I, it was a

00:35:41.560 simple apology guys. I'm really sorry. I feel bad that I did that. Uh, I didn't handle that the correct

00:35:47.180 way. What I was upset about had nothing to do with you. Although I used it as a, as an excuse to get

00:35:52.920 after you, it wasn't your fault at all. Now, other times maybe you have to pay somebody back or do

00:35:58.040 something a little bit more aggressive to fix your wrongdoings. But I think between learning from past

00:36:04.020 experiences, even the negative ones, and then making amends fully to the best of your ability

00:36:08.940 will help overcome past regrets. Yeah. I think a good measuring tool for this is, you know, you

00:36:15.560 mentioned this earlier on the podcast and we hear this from, you know, almost half the

00:36:19.980 charismatic guys that you interview on this podcast on a regular basis is a lot of them have rough

00:36:26.900 pasts, maybe rough decisions or, you know, rough upbringings and all of them are happy. They happened.

00:36:33.480 Right. Maybe not happy. They don't regret it. Right. They're because they've made sure that it has helped

00:36:40.100 define who they are today in a positive way. Right. So they would never take it back because

00:36:45.480 they're happy with who they are today. Yeah. And if it's that butterfly, it's that butterfly effect,

00:36:50.900 right? If you just change one thing, you know, for example, if, if I had a father figure in my life

00:36:56.940 as a young man, a permanent father figure in my life, would there be an order of man? Would I have

00:37:02.340 the same relationship with my children and my wife? There's a lot of, a lot of what ifs in that

00:37:08.320 scenario? And the answer is most certainly no, it would be completely different.

00:37:13.060 So be happy for what you have, even your less than fortunate circumstances.

00:37:20.520 Yeah. And I really do think I've had a couple of guys reach out around moving on beyond their past

00:37:27.900 and, and previous circles of influence, like holding onto the, who they were and having a really hard

00:37:34.300 time, like truly moving on. Cause some people won't, won't want you to move on. All right.

00:37:39.580 They may want to drudge you through things. Um, but I do think it's possible. It's not easy.

00:37:46.020 Um, but it's certainly possible. Do you have any additional thought in that regard? Right. Where

00:37:50.320 are you saying that you're worried about like other people might keep you from moving on? Is that

00:37:54.800 what you're saying? Yeah. Like, let's say you've moved on beyond your past. You, you've made,

00:37:59.640 yeah, I get it. Correct things, but they just won't let it go. Right. Especially for guys that

00:38:04.360 have been divorced, right? Getting your ex-wife to let go of the fact that you were a horrible husband

00:38:09.140 is a real, really tough thing. Cause she naturally, she's not going to let go of that. Right.

00:38:17.020 Yeah. She's going to hold on to that for a really long time. Yeah. I mean, it's easy for me to say now,

00:38:23.040 but so what? It's like, okay, well, you know, you messed up, you try to fix it. You did the best you can.

00:38:28.360 And that's all you can do. There's nothing else you can do. She's not obligated to forgive you

00:38:32.280 just because you apologized. Yeah. Now she can, or she cannot, or she can do whatever she wants,

00:38:37.800 but you control you. We talk about that all the time. Focus on what you can control. That's a very

00:38:41.600 stoic thought as well. Focus on the controllables, which is your, in this case, your ability to

00:38:48.060 apologize and try to rectify and remedy the situation. Now, what the other individual decides

00:38:52.580 to do with their life and their circumstances is on them. It's on them and you got to leave it on them.

00:38:57.780 Although that might be very, very difficult in a, in a heated or interpersonal situation,

00:39:02.580 but that's all you can do. There's nothing else you can do. So you really do have to make amends

00:39:08.760 to the best of your ability and then wash your hands. Like you're, you're moving on. Shouldn't

00:39:14.160 be contingent upon somebody else's acceptance of your apology. Cause you might be waiting a very,

00:39:19.280 very long time. You're moving on as contingent upon you doing everything within your power

00:39:25.140 to rectify the situation, period. What they do from there is on them.

00:39:32.500 And knowing that you're doing everything possible is enough for you to deal.

00:39:36.320 I think it should be. And if it's not, maybe you're not doing everything.

00:39:40.240 Exactly. Once you're in full integrity and you know, you are, it's easier to deal with people,

00:39:46.020 not accepting it.

00:39:47.900 Right. And that comes down to self-esteem and the integrity gap and some of the other things

00:39:51.460 that we've been talking about earlier today. Yeah. All right. Dominic Frenchona. And it's

00:39:57.400 quite interesting. I've never confirmed if I pronounced Dom's last name correctly. So Dom,

00:40:03.220 I'll give you a call later today and you can clarify. Do you guys dance? Serious question

00:40:08.360 at weddings, large family events. Do you dance with your wives? I recently heard from a man who has an

00:40:13.840 amazing wife in marriage. One of the things that he always encourages other men to do is to dance with

00:40:18.960 their wives. The principle here is to keep it fun and do stuff she likes to do. What's your take on

00:40:25.880 that? I would slow dance with my wife, but I don't, I don't dance. Like I don't get on the dance floor

00:40:32.140 and bust a move. Bust a move. It just seems silly to me. And so I don't. Now she wanted to slow dance

00:40:40.620 or what? We're just never really in the situation where we would. I don't think, I don't know how long

00:40:45.960 it's been since we've been in that where it would be appropriate, but no, I don't know. The answer

00:40:53.040 would be no. I don't dance. And for you guys showing up in the main event this weekend, there's

00:40:57.780 probably not dancing just to, you know, you can automatically. You could probably, well, I don't

00:41:02.340 know, man. Maybe, maybe they would push the guys outside of their comfort zone and we should,

00:41:05.460 we should all dancing in a barn. Yeah. Totally weird.

00:41:09.960 Look, I will say this though. I will say that, man, if you want to dance and hold your wife and

00:41:16.460 have some fun and cool, that's not how I choose to do it, but I don't see anything wrong with doing

00:41:21.860 it. Yeah. No, I've, I've seen, um, I know my wife appreciates this for sure. So, uh, it's not very

00:41:32.380 often. It's not like we go clubbing or anything, but back in the day, like, uh, you know, we'd go

00:41:37.980 dancing at one point. Um, I know a little bit of like West coast swing. And so, uh, we've, I

00:41:45.660 actually even did a big band tribute with, with my wife, like performed in a big band tribute where

00:41:53.040 we had like go to rehearsals and you know what I mean? And there was like a shows for multiple

00:41:58.500 nights and it was great. It was really fun. So yeah, that would be fun. I could see doing something

00:42:03.460 like that. Like if there was some sort of an event or even like a performance and we had to learn a

00:42:07.960 dance routine, I would do that. I wouldn't have a problem doing that. I'm just probably not going

00:42:11.760 to do it spontaneously. Spontaneously. Yeah. Well, and it's, well, that's all because you're

00:42:17.660 Mr. Intentional, right? So you're like, okay, wait, after action review, how does this contribute?

00:42:23.060 That's exactly right. It's exactly right. That's how my brain works. How is this progressing my,

00:42:27.640 my marriage forward? It's not okay, let's go. And is there something else that would be more

00:42:31.780 effective and efficient in this moment that I can, that I can do to propel my, my marriage?

00:42:36.380 Totally. And for guys that are like, you know, that here might hear Tom's questionnaire and think,

00:42:42.020 ah man, no way, because I don't know. Well then change that. You could go to, you can go to country

00:42:47.980 swing classes for date night. Yeah. You know, it would be really fun. Your wife would appreciate

00:42:53.600 it. It's not that hard. Agreed. Agreed. Joel Garcia, as men, we like to take pride in our work

00:43:02.200 and service because we are built to do things. When does that pride become toxic or a cross

00:43:08.560 of narcissism? When it's not effective. Yeah. I mean, the reason we do think I don't do things to

00:43:15.980 do things that to the point earlier, like I do things because they're moving me towards some

00:43:22.200 desired objective. So if I'm doing things, let's say I'm trying to perfect the perfect podcast and

00:43:30.720 yet it's keeping me from putting it out into the world, then that's a problem. You've got to ship.

00:43:38.060 You've got to put your, your work out into the world for people to consume, whether that's paid

00:43:43.780 or just to enjoy or entertainment factor. It's a problem. If you're so wrapped up in like,

00:43:49.180 is it really art? If other people can appreciate it? I mean, I guess it's an expression of yourself,

00:43:53.380 but if you're not sharing it with the world, what value does it hold? It doesn't hold any value.

00:44:00.500 So the answer is when any behavior, whether it's an arrogant or narcissistic behavior,

00:44:06.100 it gets in the way of producing the desired result. It's a problem. If, if you're an asshole

00:44:11.500 and you treat everybody else around you like shit, so nobody wants to work with you,

00:44:15.920 then clearly that's a problem. And your narcissism or your egotism or your, your excessive pride

00:44:24.240 is getting in the way of producing results. It's just a barrier. That's that, but just look at the

00:44:29.820 result. Is this producing the result? Yes. Cool. Good behavior. Is this not? No different behavior.

00:44:36.040 And don't fall into that BS excuse. It's like, you know, you can be a complete jerk. And then it's

00:44:42.800 like, well, it's, it's just cause I'm effective. Like, no, no. What people say is they say off.

00:44:47.600 Yeah. Yeah. As they say, this is the one we hear a lot actually from guys was just the way I am.

00:44:52.580 It's just how I communicate. So communicate differently, man. Like, like you could, you

00:44:58.320 could still be assertive and, and get work done and not be a dick. But when you say things,

00:45:05.280 it was just the way I am. Zero F's given. It's just who I am. You're, you're pathetic is what you are

00:45:12.020 because you're telling yourself in the world. You're incapable of evolving to actually produce

00:45:17.100 results. So why would anybody want to work with you? You're, you're, you're going to lose. If

00:45:22.160 not now, you're going to lose down the road because you don't know how to rally people around a cause.

00:45:28.060 All right. Roger Taylor, would you be interested in holding an iron council slash order of man

00:45:32.940 archery bootcamp? Yeah, I would actually. That sounds awesome. I was, uh, I was at the archery shop

00:45:40.540 this morning. There's one 10 minutes from me and he's talking with the owner there, Ron. He's,

00:45:44.780 he's a great guy. Um, just a small little shop. It's at his house. It's in his basement and he's

00:45:48.660 got a cool archery range in the back and we're, he was dialing in some bows. Um, I was going to give

00:45:54.800 away too much information there, but he's dialing some bows and, uh, yeah, I would love to do that.

00:46:00.120 In fact, I should reach out to John Dudley and see if he can come out and get him on it. That would be

00:46:06.420 cool. Get Dudley out here and then get, you know, 10, 15, 20 of us out here. I like that idea. Who

00:46:12.600 said that? Who, who suggested that? Roger Taylor, Roger. You're, you're, you're a man after my heart,

00:46:18.600 buddy. Appreciate you, man. But yeah, I like that idea. We ought to, we ought to think about adding

00:46:23.860 something like that. Best question of the day. Yep. Hands down. Scott short Meyer. He has two

00:46:31.240 questions here and, and just so you know, we're going to, we're going to let these iron council guys ask

00:46:35.400 two questions back to back just cause well, they're in there in council. Cause they paid,

00:46:39.160 they paid for the right. They paid the right. How do you source podcast guests, referrals

00:46:44.940 for order man and icy any suggestions, research, et cetera? Uh, well, a lot of the guys that I have

00:46:53.180 on a podcast are people that I follow. You know, I just follow them on Instagram or their websites or

00:46:57.060 their own podcast. So I, I, that's how I source most of our guests. I do have occasionally somebody

00:47:03.120 will reach out and suggest or, or offer to come on the podcast or request to come on the podcast.

00:47:09.360 90% of those I turned down cause they're, they're so generic. And it's like, I do this thing on

00:47:13.620 leadership. I'm like, Oh, I can't do it. Or I'm a fitness guy. I'm like, I can't do another thing

00:47:19.480 like that. So if somebody reaches out to me in a unique way that catches my attention that I think

00:47:25.100 is going to be meaningful or that we haven't done in the past and they're not creating a bunch of extra

00:47:29.240 work for me, I'm more likely to do that. But for the most part, I know these people, I follow them,

00:47:33.780 I connect with them, I engage with them on social media. A lot of times I'm referred to other people

00:47:38.760 and, and, and I get great referrals and introductions that way. Or if I identify somebody who I want to

00:47:45.100 have on a podcast and I know somebody who they know, then I'll work that connection. So there's,

00:47:50.780 there's a handful of ways that I do it. But for the most part, I'm connected with these individuals

00:47:54.280 long before we ever do a podcast together. Okay. Scott's second question is, he's curious,

00:48:01.300 why did you choose Brazilian Jiu Jitsu over other martial arts?

00:48:05.940 You know, very simply, I had a friend that, that wanted me to get involved. So I don't,

00:48:09.840 I don't think that it was a conscious choice. Like, should I do Jiu Jitsu or Muay Thai?

00:48:14.360 Just like, here's a Jiu Jitsu gym. I've heard good things. I've got Pete Roberts and Brian

00:48:18.060 Littlefield with origin who know it. Matthew Arrington, who's very involved in Jiu Jitsu invited me and

00:48:23.200 that's how I got into it. So it wasn't like I picked it over some other form of martial arts.

00:48:28.040 Frankly, it was a matter of convenience and I wanted to get involved in martial arts. So that's,

00:48:33.260 that's the route I went. How about you?

00:48:35.960 The correct question or the correct answer is because it is superior over all other martial arts.

00:48:43.480 Hands down, done.

00:48:44.780 Start a firestorm here.

00:48:47.480 Yeah, you will. You will. I appreciate you doing that because I think they all have my email address

00:48:52.600 and, and not yours.

00:48:54.280 Yep. It's, uh, it's, uh, kip at yahoo.com. Yep. That's it. That's it. Um, you know,

00:49:02.380 why did I choose Brazilian Jiu Jitsu? Um, it was, it was the early, it was the late nineties,

00:49:07.440 right? I remember in high school, one of my, my buddies, his older brother got off his mission

00:49:12.860 and he was like, you guys got to see these videos. And he had these VHS tapes of like UFC one through

00:49:19.860 five. And, uh, and in those videos, you just saw hoist grace. You just like destroy everybody.

00:49:26.820 Yeah. And that was my first like introduction. And then we had a couple of guys that were

00:49:32.160 training with some blue belt that like came into town once a month and they would meet up with this

00:49:37.980 blue belt and learn from him. And I remember I went with my buddy Richard and I'm like, Oh,

00:49:43.860 I hold on. So you guys don't punch. You're just rolling on the ground. And those guys are

00:49:47.860 like all gross and like stinky. I'm like, nah, this is really not for me. So I, I didn't,

00:49:54.860 I, I pushed it off and I'm like, no, thanks. And then in 06, I moved back to Utah and that same

00:50:00.940 buddy's like, dude, you got to train. And so I'm like, you know, I'll commit to training for

00:50:06.200 a period of time. Um, do you remember how long it was? Um, what I committed to training? Yeah.

00:50:13.120 What I said is I'd commit to training and I'd go like once every other week and it was just enough

00:50:19.000 to get beat up, which was really like not enough to learn, but enough to just get beat someone's

00:50:24.740 punching bag per se. And it was really not fun. And then really where things changed for me is I

00:50:31.740 moved to New York. Um, and I went to, I was referred to go to Vitor Shaolin's gym in upper

00:50:38.380 Manhattan. And I went in there and met Shaolin. And if you guys don't know who Vitor Shaolin is,

00:50:43.980 look him up. He's this guy's a complete stud. And anyhow, I went into Shaolin's and I said, Hey,

00:50:49.740 can I get a punch pass? Cause I just, you know, I don't, I don't want, I don't know how often I'm

00:50:54.760 going to train, right? I want to be uncommitted to it. And I just want to get a punch pass and come

00:50:59.680 when I can. And he goes, he looks at me, he goes, uh, we don't do punch passes. You're committed to

00:51:05.280 doing jujitsu or you're not. And it like really struck a chord with me. And I was like, all right,

00:51:11.260 sign me up. And it was so, so darn expensive in New York. So I was like, all right, I better go all

00:51:16.020 the time to justify this. And that's where really where it kicked off for me. And I got the buck.

00:51:20.640 Right. Yeah. Very cool. How to keep ironic, right? How to be committed to it for me to understand.

00:51:26.560 Isn't that weird? Yeah. You can't dabble. You really can't dabble. And I'm not just talking

00:51:31.120 about jujitsu. I'm talking about life except dabbling, riding the fence or don't. That's what

00:51:37.580 we've done here with this move. People ask us all the time. Oh, I can't believe you did that. I'm

00:51:40.720 like, no man, we're jumping in head first. Yeah. Just go. And we'll get it figured out. We have to

00:51:45.620 get it figured out. That's why we have the event so quick too. People are like, I can't believe you're

00:51:48.640 doing an event. Why? Like what's part of the reason we came up here? Why, why would you be surprised?

00:51:53.660 We're doing an event. We're, we're in this thing. I'm all in this thing in case you haven't wondered

00:51:57.660 or have wondered, like I'm committed to this thing. So don't be surprised when I say, Hey,

00:52:02.600 we're doing an event in two weeks and we'll figure it out. Cause what choice do you have?

00:52:08.680 You don't. And, and on that note, so that's the order of man main event. That's this coming weekend.

00:52:14.720 Um, we pretty much have a full event, but if you guys are interested, we might be able to swing in

00:52:19.540 some last minute, uh, participants or I don't know, signees or whatever to learn more. That's

00:52:26.300 order of man.com slash main as in the state event. Correct. Okay. Uh, Aaron goats. How many do we

00:52:34.040 have? How many more for the iron council do we have? Um, we have one, two, three, four, five, six.

00:52:39.180 Okay. Let's try to do rapid fire and we'll try to get through those six. All right. Aaron goats as a

00:52:45.320 former financial advisor. What is your philosophy on utilizing employee sponsored retirement saving

00:52:50.200 programs like a 401k? Do you advise employees to contribute only as much as the employer

00:52:54.920 will match? Or do you think employees should max their contribution rather than investing in their

00:53:00.600 income outside of 401k? There are different schools of thought and the best ways to utilize retirement

00:53:05.660 programs. So I'd enjoy hearing your thoughts. So there's a lot of variables here to this equation.

00:53:10.580 Uh, but what I would say as just a, a general principle is that if your employer is going to

00:53:17.200 contribute, then you should do at least as much as they're going to contribute. So if they're going

00:53:21.440 to put in 3% of your salary, if you put in 3%, then you should put in 3% free money, right? That,

00:53:26.300 that makes sense to do. Now, should you contribute more than the three that they're going to match?

00:53:31.360 That's where you start to get a little tricky because there's other variables that I'm, you know,

00:53:35.900 hesitant to go through this entire thing, but I tend to look at tax free growth, like a Roth IRA

00:53:42.440 would be a great strategy. So if somebody's going to say, for example, 10% of their income,

00:53:47.280 I might suggest put the three in the 401k, get the 3% match, take the other seven, depending on your

00:53:53.540 income, put it into a Roth IRA. If you're not eligible for a Roth IRA, then you may want to put

00:53:58.160 the full 10 into the 401k or employee plan, but you have other things too, like business and real

00:54:04.140 estate and other stock-based investments that are worth considering. I don't think it's usually not

00:54:12.240 an all or one type thing. Like you, you really ought to diversify broadly, not just across the stock

00:54:18.640 market, but against different assets like real estate, business, et cetera, et cetera. So that's

00:54:24.820 a general kind of generic answer, but without knowing specifics, I can't give a specific answer,

00:54:30.000 but that's, that's some rules of thumb. Okay. Bubba Downs. This is a good question by Bubba,

00:54:36.040 by the way. So I'm really usually set up to automatically rip his questions out, but this

00:54:41.440 one we decided to keep in here. Uh, when your wife came back from your guys' separation, um,

00:54:48.200 how did you keep the changes you've made instead of slipping back into the guy that you used to be

00:54:53.780 man seeks comfort. Staying on the path is not comfortable. It's not comfortable until it is.

00:55:00.680 What I mean by that is if you do it long enough, it becomes your new normal.

00:55:05.280 So make excellence, your new normal. And that means you have to do it long enough and be committed

00:55:10.200 to it until it is habitualized. So for me, you know, eating, eating right, um, isn't, isn't out of

00:55:18.420 the question. It isn't out of the ordinary exercising. Isn't out of the ordinary doing a podcast every week.

00:55:24.400 Isn't out of the ordinary. The things in the places I've excelled aren't unique or interesting or even new

00:55:29.560 or hard or challenging at this point, because it's become the new normal. Uh, and now I understand

00:55:35.220 there's, there's a, uh, gap to be bridged, right? But, and I really liked this question because I

00:55:40.580 don't talk a whole lot about once she had come back, but for me, it was knowing that I wasn't

00:55:45.320 interested in slipping into the man that I had become not only for her, but just in general,

00:55:49.300 I wasn't happy with who I was. I was fat and I was broke and I was miserable and I was angry and

00:55:54.320 there was a lot of contention in my life. And of course the relationship wasn't going well.

00:55:58.300 So it was about more than the relationship. I just didn't want to be that man.

00:56:03.080 And that idea of, and it was, it was a negative reflection, right? That, that negative reflection

00:56:08.660 of who I was was not the man I knew I wanted to be. And that kept me on the course long enough that

00:56:15.520 it became second nature to grow and to progress and to try new things. Now, in addition to that,

00:56:21.840 as I've continued to develop and grow, having the right people around me, uh, tuning in and

00:56:27.460 tapping into and being surrounded by people who inspire me, who are better than me in a lot of

00:56:32.380 ways, who are further down the track than I am, uh, keep me propelling and moving forward and pushing

00:56:36.820 hard, uh, in the face of wanting to slack off at times and wanting to take it easy. It's those P those

00:56:43.700 men who are inspiring to me that keep me driving. Right, right. And I, I feel confident on this

00:56:49.820 assumption and, but feel free to confirm, but I would assume too, that, that your change,

00:56:56.160 your quote unquote change wasn't for your wife's approval. It wasn't for to win her back. It

00:57:02.440 transcended her and it had, and you were committed to it regardless. I think some guys have a tendency

00:57:09.440 to make a change and they slip because they were doing it for the wrong reasons. They slip it because

00:57:14.680 they wanted their wife back. And once they have her back, then there's no reason right to transcend

00:57:20.160 and become a better man. Thus the slipping happens. Would you say that's a profound aspect of that?

00:57:26.020 That's a really good point. No, it's a, it's a really, really good point because if you look at

00:57:30.060 success is ultimately achieving whatever your objective is, if you don't recalibrate that

00:57:34.640 periodically, we do it every quarter, then, then there's a problem because you could potentially

00:57:40.740 just rest knowing that you accomplished your goal. I don't look at the accomplishment of a goal as the

00:57:47.440 overall end all objective. It's just me on the path, right? So when I accomplished something,

00:57:55.580 it's a good, great. That was a checkpoint. Now what do I want to accomplish next? So for me in our,

00:57:59.560 in the relationship with my wife, yeah, I mean, ultimately at the beginning, that's exactly what

00:58:03.380 it was like. I just got to win her back and have my son back with me. That's exactly what it was.

00:58:06.800 But as I matured and developed and grew and, and, and learned new skills and learned about myself,

00:58:14.100 it became more, how do I become the best version possible and then let the chips fall where they

00:58:19.440 may. And more often than not, when you do that, things are going to work out right. And, and it

00:58:24.360 might not even be that your relationship is salvaged. It just means that things generally are going to

00:58:29.380 work out the way that they ought to, and in a way that's going to serve you well. Yeah. Okay.

00:58:34.960 Joshua small, what are your connection tactics? Uh, for, Oh, for the, for the battle of this

00:58:41.920 quarter for this quarter. Yeah. Cause I mean, we've had, I don't know how many battle plans

00:58:46.980 I've done now. I don't even want to think about that. Um, it's crazy. It's actually kind of funny

00:58:52.240 to think about it. Yeah, no, for me, I'm doing, uh, going to be coaching football for my sons,

00:58:58.080 my two oldest sons. So it's a daily practice. That's what it is. It's whether it's running or

00:59:03.920 working out or throwing the football together or going through plays or whatever, it's spending

00:59:08.300 30 to 60 minutes every single day connected with those two, my two oldest boys, uh, specifically

00:59:13.540 with, with regards to improving their ability to play football. Cool. Uh, mine is, uh, date

00:59:22.640 nights with each kid once a month. Awesome. Love it. Personal time. Duffy Miller. One theory

00:59:30.300 I've heard is to ignore weaknesses and improve on strengths. How do you feel that aligns with the

00:59:35.660 idea for the battle plans that improve in areas of weakness or does it at all? I don't think it

00:59:41.100 needs to be one or the other. I think you can do both and I think you should do both. And there's

00:59:44.360 also times where, you know, business is a, is a prime example of this. I'm not going to overly

00:59:49.780 focus on podcast editing. That's a weakness of mine. Should I do it and focus on it? No, I should

00:59:54.780 hire that out, which I do. So you've got to look at the situation and, and recognize that at times

01:00:01.600 you're going to need to do it and you need to improve. For example, if my weakness was

01:00:06.100 communication, I should probably want to shore that up because I'm going to be communicating

01:00:10.060 with individuals in every facet of my life. But if it's other things that aren't real applicable,

01:00:14.500 if I'm, if I'm not good at mowing the lawn, do I need to improve that skill? Not necessarily.

01:00:21.000 I could probably just hire that out. So there's varying degrees of tasks and the ramifications

01:00:26.820 of those tasks. And you have to identify, is this something I should improve? Cause it's going

01:00:30.780 to impact my life positively and I'll grow from this. Or is this something that's just a waste of

01:00:34.860 time, energy and resources that I should contract out and have somebody else do. Yeah. Cool. Duffy had

01:00:42.640 a two questions. How would you recommend trying to improve or prepare for something that isn't

01:00:48.080 currently available to you? An example of this would be a single man trying to prepare

01:00:51.860 for having a wife and kids. I don't think, I don't think you need to have a wife and kids

01:00:59.860 or even be in a relationship to improve your ability and your capacity to be in a relationship.

01:01:06.160 I think there's, there's plenty of things, exercise, nutrition, working on your career,

01:01:12.260 learning how to communicate effectively, learning to delegate, uh, getting your, your finances

01:01:18.400 right. Those are all, those are all things that are going to apply to a single man and

01:01:21.740 a married man. So there isn't really, I can't really think of something that would only apply

01:01:27.740 to a married man, like a skillset that only apply to a married guy. Yeah. And as we know,

01:01:32.860 like everything transcends, right? Like you become amazing at jujitsu, you get regret, you get

01:01:39.540 grit, right. And you get strong and you get mobility and you get right. Yeah. Like I think,

01:01:45.960 and as, as cliche as it may sign sound Duffy becoming the man you were meant to be prepares

01:01:52.260 you for everything. Right. So just become the best man possible. And, and even more specifically

01:01:57.900 than that work, work your battle plan, work your battle plan. And then you'll be in the position to,

01:02:04.220 to be the kind of husband that you have a desire to be, or the type of father or friend or

01:02:09.180 employee or neighbor or whatever. Yeah. All right. Oh, we got one more.

01:02:16.680 Yep. One or two more. Last one. Okay. It's hard to remain vigilant and keep the fire alive in a

01:02:21.240 moment year after year. Do you have strategy for keeping the fire burning for the order of man?

01:02:27.620 Yeah. Battle plan. Just, just do a new battle plan every quarter. Like every quarter I'm improving,

01:02:33.320 I'm changing, I'm tweaking, I'm adjusting, I'm getting better. I'm, I'm doing things more complex.

01:02:37.240 I'm taking it bigger and grander. You know, when I started events for order of man, I rented a lodge

01:02:42.920 in Southern Utah. And three years later, I've gotten my own property to do it on. How do I keep

01:02:47.560 the fire alive? I've recalibrate every single quarter. Cool. I checked that off the list. What's

01:02:52.920 next? What's next? What's next? What's next? And I continue to grow and expand and evolve and get

01:02:57.460 better and, and think bigger and, and my capacity grows. And I'm, I'm, I'm excited about it,

01:03:04.120 man. I'm, I'm always excited about it and I will continue to be excited about it. And I'll continue

01:03:08.160 to try new things, which is a big tactic of mine is just do something different. You know, people are

01:03:13.120 like, Hey, are you going to do an uprising event? I'm like, I don't know. We did them a couple of

01:03:16.340 years ago. You should have signed up. Yeah. It's like, what? And we have guys now are like, Oh,

01:03:21.440 I'm going to try to make to the next one. And I'm like, okay, yeah, let us know or whatever.

01:03:24.600 Hopefully you can make it. And inside I'm like, well, maybe we might not do the next one.

01:03:28.300 Yeah. And that's, that's how I choose to run the business because there might be something that

01:03:34.200 comes up. Like somebody says, Hey, you should do an archery clinic where I'm like, yeah, we should

01:03:38.440 do a week long or a long weekend of just archery. And the guys who were like, well, I don't, you know,

01:03:43.780 I don't want to do that. I wanted to do the uprising. You should have signed up for that when

01:03:46.900 that was available. So if you're on the fence guys, listen, I'm just, I'll say it this way.

01:03:52.060 If you're on the fence about one of our events, you better do the event because odds are there's

01:03:58.920 only going to be two to four of them. And once they're done, then I'm going to be onto something

01:04:02.960 different. Ryan's moved on. Yeah, totally. And it's so, and I giggle a little bit just because

01:04:08.000 I'm starting, I mean, obviously I'm starting to learn your personality more and more over the years.

01:04:12.920 And this is such a Ryan thing. This is, it's really unique actually. So.

01:04:18.320 Well, I just don't want to get bored. I don't want to get burned out. It's like,

01:04:21.420 and look, I'm going to do it well. Like if I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it right. And

01:04:25.460 I'm going to do it well. And then it's almost, it's, it's weird for sure. And it's a little

01:04:30.040 counterintuitive and maybe even counterproductive because I get good at it. Like I do two to three

01:04:36.060 to four to five events and then I get it like perfect. And I'm like, okay, well I got it. I did

01:04:41.300 it. Now what do we do? Totally. Where most people would buckle down and go, okay, we got it ironed

01:04:47.640 out now. Let's run this, you know, for the next 20 years. I'm like, no way I'm not interested in

01:04:52.180 that. It's funny. Yeah. So on that note, you guys that are on the fence regarding the, the event

01:04:57.280 this weekend, August 10th through 11th, um, we can probably squeeze in a couple of guys. So if

01:05:02.640 there's a couple of guys that are like, uh, maybe I'm not sure, just do it because you never know

01:05:07.920 with Ryan. So just go, yeah, go to order of man.com slash main event for more details. Um, to get

01:05:15.820 your questions submitted, uh, you can do so by joining us on Facebook at facebook.com slash group

01:05:20.680 slash order of man, or join us in the iron council where we work on these battle plans. We have our

01:05:25.280 actual reviews. I mean, it's, it's on the court, right? It's, we're not spectators in the game of

01:05:31.220 life. We're on the court and we're working together and we, we have each other six, right? And

01:05:36.300 we're creating that environment of like-minded men where, uh, you can bounce ideas off of,

01:05:41.440 right. And have these kinds of conversations that we're having. I feel like I could have these same

01:05:45.560 questions and this same conversation with almost any guy in the IC, right? And it would be, it would

01:05:51.000 be highly valuable, um, to learn more about the iron council, go to order of man.com slash iron

01:05:55.960 council. And of course to support this movement, subscribe to the podcast, leave a rating review,

01:06:01.760 follow Mr. Mickler on Instagram and Twitter at Ryan Mickler. And then for swag and to represent,

01:06:09.060 uh, the order of man and what we're doing here, you can wear swag and to access that store,

01:06:14.980 go to store.orderofman.com. Outstanding. Well done, sir. Cool. All right, guys, that's a wrap.

01:06:21.740 Appreciate you. Uh, it's going to be a busy week for me and Kip. I'm sure you're busy as well. You'll

01:06:26.060 be here in a couple of days. Uh, so we'll be back on Friday though. Fear not. We'll be here.

01:06:32.100 Keep podcasting. I appreciate you guys. Appreciate you being on the path. Appreciate who you are as

01:06:36.140 men. You inspire me, whether you know it or not, you inspire me to be the type of man that I know

01:06:40.060 I'm capable of becoming. So we'll let you get going guys until next week or Friday, I should say

01:06:45.840 until Friday, go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening

01:06:50.440 to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you

01:06:55.480 were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - August 07, 2019

Overcoming Paralysis By Analysis, Dealing with Your Anger, and Harnessing Past Regrets｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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