Order of Man - Own Your Emotions, Do Not Allow Them To Own You

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.480 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.220 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,

00:00:28.460 and I am the host and the founder of this podcast, The Order of Man. I want to welcome

00:00:32.580 you back. I want to welcome you here. Again, whether you're here for the very first time

00:00:36.720 or you've been listening for almost four years now, you need to know that this is a podcast

00:00:42.340 about becoming a better man. Whether you're working to become a better father, a better

00:00:46.160 husband, a better business owner, or employee, or community leader, or wherever it is you're

00:00:51.180 showing up as a man, it's my goal to give you the tools and the resources, the guidance,

00:00:55.440 the direction, and of course, the conversations on this podcast to help you become just that,

00:01:00.460 a better man. Today is our Friday Field Notes. This is a show about my ramblings, my thoughts,

00:01:06.380 my ideas, things that have been bouncing around in my brain for the past week or so.

00:01:10.320 We also have an interview show, which is released every single Tuesday. And then of course,

00:01:14.480 the Ask Me Anything, which is me and my co-host, Kip Sorensen, where we field the questions from

00:01:20.200 our Iron Council Brotherhood, from our Patreon account, and from the Facebook group. So guys,

00:01:27.000 if you're here, needless to say, we've got a lot going on. Glad you're here. Make sure you hit that

00:01:30.940 little subscribe button. Make sure also you leave a rating and review. That goes such a long way in

00:01:36.060 promoting what it is we're doing here and getting the word out of reclaiming and restoring masculinity

00:01:41.740 in a society that more and more seems to be rejecting and dismissing the idea of what it means to be

00:01:47.580 a man. So glad that you men are here with me. Guys, not a whole lot of announcements. In fact,

00:01:51.960 I don't have any announcements today. I just want to get right into this conversation because it's

00:01:55.440 very timely. And I think it's very important that we talk about this. And as I was thinking about

00:01:59.720 what I wanted to share with you today, I thought about emotions and I thought about the role emotions

00:02:06.080 play in our lives. I think there's a misconception out there that states that we are to suppress our

00:02:13.100 emotions or we're to hide our emotions. And then on the other end of the spectrum,

00:02:16.840 that we are supposed to be completely in tune with our emotions and express all of those and

00:02:21.780 express our vulnerabilities. And I think quite honestly, the answer lies somewhere in between.

00:02:26.780 But at the end of the day, it is my firm belief that our emotions are there to serve us. Even the

00:02:31.260 ones that we would generally consider negative emotions, hate and hostility, greed, envy, resentment,

00:02:36.280 jealousy, those types of things are there to serve us whether we believe that or not. So this is a

00:02:42.240 conversation about owning our emotions and not allowing our emotions to own us. Now, the reason

00:02:47.820 I wanted to have this conversation with you today is because last weekend, I believe it was,

00:02:53.840 was the Khabib McGregor UFC fight. And I know a lot of you watched the fight. And of course,

00:02:59.580 the antics that happened after the fight, which is that Khabib jumped out of the cage and

00:03:05.020 attacked somebody else. And it was kind of crazy and all the security guards and everything else.

00:03:09.480 And I think this was a prime example of allowing our emotions to get the better of us. Now,

00:03:14.940 I want to say this as a disclaimer, before we get into the rest of the conversation, let me tell you

00:03:18.760 what this is not about. All right. This is not a conversation about who is the better fighter,

00:03:23.480 Khabib or McGregor. I think it was proven in the ring that Khabib that evening was the better fighter.

00:03:29.180 He won very dominantly. And it was very apparent that Conor McGregor was outmatched in the fight.

00:03:35.620 So that's not what I'm talking about here. We're not talking about who the better fighter is. The

00:03:39.860 other thing that I'm not talking about is whether or not it was justified, because as I made a post

00:03:44.260 right after the fight, I got a lot of mixed comments, a lot of mixed reviews on whether or

00:03:48.780 not he was justified. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. Of course, there's a lot of things that

00:03:54.080 we don't know about the situation, but I think we can probably all agree if we look at this

00:03:58.540 objectively, and I'm asking you to look at it objectively for a minute, to let go of your own

00:04:03.600 emotional vested interest in this thing, that this was a man who allowed his emotions to get

00:04:09.580 the better of him. Now, should he have done that? Should he have not have done that? Was he justified

00:04:14.440 in his behavior? That can be debated. But at the end of the day, this was somebody who was very,

00:04:19.920 very emotional and looking back, actually apologized about it because I think he understood that he

00:04:26.520 allowed those emotions to get the better of him in this scenario. And that's all I'm talking about

00:04:31.360 today. This is an opportunity for us to learn. This is an opportunity for us to grow. Now,

00:04:36.040 the last thing I want to share with you is this is not me justifying Conor McGregor's behavior.

00:04:41.260 I had a lot of people say, well, what about Conor McGregor? What about Conor McGregor?

00:04:45.120 The way that another individual chooses to live their life should not impact or dictate ours,

00:04:52.080 especially when it comes to words that are being used. We have to be very, very careful of

00:04:58.340 allowing another individual to take our power and to take the control that we possess and in a way,

00:05:05.660 willingly, willingly give that over to them when we allow our emotions and that individual to get

00:05:10.300 inside of our heads. So I'm not excusing Conor's past behavior. I'm not excusing the way that he

00:05:16.280 promotes his fights. I'm not excusing the whole bus incident that happened down the road. I'm not

00:05:21.340 excusing any of that. Two things can be right at the same time. In this case, I think Khabib let his

00:05:27.220 emotions get the better of him. And also I think Conor's behavior pre-fight was not something to be

00:05:36.180 modeled either. So that's where I'm leaving you with the disclaimer. So please, as we continue to

00:05:40.860 have these conversations in our Facebook groups and social media and whatnot, let's maintain the

00:05:45.380 focus on the conversation, which is not allowing our emotions to own us. So I'm going to talk with

00:05:50.720 you about that. And I'm also going to talk with you about a five-step process that I use in my own

00:05:55.180 life to help me own my emotions a little bit more effectively and efficiently. But before I get

00:06:00.280 into that, what I do want to share with you is that the way that I've considered over the past,

00:06:05.680 I don't know, three, four years, as I've thought a lot about men and their emotions

00:06:08.740 is this analogy. And this analogy that I've been using is, is the idea that emotions are somewhat of

00:06:16.160 a, of a dashboard. Consider the dashboard on your vehicle. For example, you have the odometer,

00:06:22.320 you have the fuel gauge, you have the, uh, the speed, you have so many different little

00:06:26.440 gauges in there that will determine what's actually going on underneath the hood. How fast are you

00:06:31.760 driving? How much fuel do you have? Is the engine overheating? Is it at the right temperature? And

00:06:35.660 all of these little gauges are there to let you know what's going on underneath the hood. And then

00:06:40.940 of course, act accordingly. Now, in all reality, 80, 90% of the time, the gauges work fine and

00:06:46.180 everything's the way it should be. And there's nothing to worry about, but every once in a while,

00:06:49.920 every once in a while, whether it's we're speeding or we don't have enough fuel or the engine is

00:06:55.900 overheating or there's too much pressure or whatever it may be, we need to address that

00:07:00.620 situation and then act accordingly. Now, what's interesting is if you're driving down the road

00:07:04.940 and you recognize that your check engine light comes on, or you see that the fuel gauge is the

00:07:12.540 warning light on the fuel gauge, for example, is blinking at you. You're not going to be upset.

00:07:17.100 You're not going to blame the fuel gauge. If you get pulled over for speeding, you're not going to

00:07:21.280 blame the, the, uh, speedometer that you were going too fast. That's not what you're going to

00:07:26.200 blame. Hopefully, hopefully you're actually going to get to the root of the problem, which is if you

00:07:30.720 run out of fuel that you simply forgot to fill up, that is the root of the problem. The gauge itself

00:07:36.840 is just telling you and indicating you to you that there's something wrong. And that's what emotions

00:07:41.980 are. The emotions aren't the problem. Gentlemen, even again, those negative emotions, the problem

00:07:47.180 is what's going on under the hood. What's going on in your body. What's going on in your soul to make

00:07:51.760 you react the way that you're reacting. Look at your emotions as a dashboard, then get to the root

00:07:57.060 of the problem. So you can address the situation at hand and of course act accordingly. So let's break

00:08:03.040 these down. This is going to be relatively quick one today, because I think most of us will,

00:08:06.960 we'll understand this and hopefully this is all we'll need to be able to maintain our emotions a

00:08:12.660 little better. Now, I'm not saying this is easy by any means, but it is a simple process. There's

00:08:16.680 times where I get emotional and I get heated and I allow my emotions to get the better of me, even

00:08:22.280 though I know this process. So it's not just something that once you know it, you're done.

00:08:26.580 It's something that has to be worked on over and over and over again. And I think more often than not,

00:08:31.500 we'll find ourselves in situations that we can control and find ourselves in less situations in

00:08:38.380 which we lose control and we lose who we are. And then of course, uh, suffer the consequences that

00:08:43.980 come with that. Okay. So number one, take a deep breath, relax, figure out that you're angry or you're

00:08:52.360 upset or you're mad or you're glad or whatever, whatever emotion is an overreaction. Take a very

00:08:57.400 big, deep breath and just relax for a minute. That's number one. It's so simple and yet so

00:09:03.960 effective. When I'm driving down the road and somebody cuts me off the other day, I was driving

00:09:07.180 down the road and I inadvertently cut somebody off and he came over and flipped me off and

00:09:11.400 was upset. And of course, then that triggers me to be upset. And very simply, it was just take a deep

00:09:17.140 breath. You cut the guy off. He might be angry or had somewhere to go. No big deal. And everything

00:09:22.440 was fine. Guys, just take a deep breath, relax. It's going to be okay. We're going to get it all

00:09:27.380 figured out. And then secondary to that. And this is step two, but almost step one B is

00:09:34.060 distance yourself from the situation. All right. If you're in a physical environment, that's causing

00:09:39.800 you to feel the way that you're feeling. You're, you're angry with your wife or you're angry with

00:09:43.760 your kids or, or, or there's a situation at work or on the road or wherever distance yourself

00:09:50.280 from the situation. You don't need to react immediately. You can step back, evaluate what's

00:09:57.040 going on. You're going to be able to re-engage down the road and you're probably and likely to do it

00:10:01.860 in a more effective and efficient manner. If at first you take a step back, guys will say, well,

00:10:08.880 this is really hard. Yes, I know because you're heated, you're mad or you're glad, or you're

00:10:13.440 overexcited or you're anxious or whatever, but take a deep breath. Step one, a, and step one, B

00:10:18.260 distance yourself from the situation. If you're in a heated exchange with your, your wife, for example,

00:10:24.100 and I've had to do this in the past, both of us have, in fact, is, Hey, I can't really

00:10:28.260 talk about this right now. I'm really upset. I'm really fired up. So I'm just going to go

00:10:32.560 for a run or I'm going to go out back and just vent and just relax for a minute. And then we'll

00:10:38.120 come back and we'll finish up our conversation. And you do have to come back and finish up the

00:10:41.900 conversation. We don't want to hide this stuff. We don't want to put it away. Controlling our

00:10:45.740 emotions is not about suppressing them. It's not about bottling them up inside. It's about reacting

00:10:51.160 and responding to them in an effective way. That's going to produce a positive outcome for

00:10:55.620 you and the other parties that are involved. So number one, take a deep breath. Number two,

00:11:00.980 distance yourself. Number three, I would say find an activity, find a hobby, find something that you

00:11:05.680 can do. That's going to engage your mind. It's going to engage your body and physicality and allow

00:11:11.260 yourself to blow off some of that steam. Most of what we think is catastrophic, especially with

00:11:15.900 regards to our emotions are not as catastrophic as we think they are. And when we find something

00:11:20.780 else to do to distract us, to get us thinking about something else, to blow off some of that steam,

00:11:25.400 we come back into the experience, whatever that experience looks like with a clear head,

00:11:30.720 with some distance and some margin to actually think about what's going on and just to give

00:11:35.820 ourselves some space not to react so emotionally. So we've got take a deep breath. We've got distance

00:11:42.980 yourself. That's one B I would say. I've got step number two, which is find an activity that engages

00:11:49.600 you mentally and physically, or doesn't engage you at all, where you can just blow off some steam.

00:11:54.080 And then step number three is try to figure out why you're feeling the way you're feeling,

00:12:01.060 why you're feeling the way you're feeling, why you're upset, why you're glad, why you're sad,

00:12:06.700 why you're mad, why you're angry, why you're bitter, why there's contention. And it's easy to get this way,

00:12:11.900 especially when people come at you. You know, people are, I get that all the time. People

00:12:15.680 make comments or they send me messages and they're negative and they're contentious. And it's very

00:12:22.200 easy for me just to want to rage and just want to get back at that individual. But you know what,

00:12:28.700 if I'm experiencing that sort of rage, there's probably a lesson that can be learned. And the

00:12:33.460 lesson might be that I might be upset or offended about some sort of truth that I haven't been willing

00:12:39.460 to face in the past. We've got to take an objective look at this, because if we can figure out

00:12:44.000 what the lesson is as to why we're feeling the way that we're feeling, then we can move towards

00:12:50.500 experiences that create more positive emotions and move away from, and I'm not hiding, I'm not

00:12:56.180 hiding, but moving away from experiences that cause more contentious or these quote unquote negative

00:13:03.580 emotions inside of us. Figure out the lesson, figure out the lesson. Now, the next step after you've

00:13:10.820 understood the lesson, Hey, I'm upset because, uh, I don't feel respected or appreciated.

00:13:16.320 Good valid. Now, how will this serve me? And that's step number four, understand how this emotion

00:13:24.580 will serve you. If you're not feeling appreciated or respected, what is the actual problem here? Why

00:13:31.260 aren't you being respected? Maybe you haven't garnered that level of respect. Uh, maybe you aren't

00:13:37.000 somebody who's real credible. And I know that's not fun to address. I know that that doesn't speak

00:13:42.980 highly of us necessarily, but this is the foundation for improving in our lives. If you're upset and

00:13:49.140 you're taking a step back and you realize that, Oh, you know what? I'm upset because this person,

00:13:53.700 it felt like they were attacking me. Now, how is that going to serve you? Well, in this case,

00:13:59.300 maybe it's not really an attack. Maybe they've exposed some, some flaws or some vulnerabilities or a

00:14:05.300 little chink in your armor that you can shore up by improving your behavior, by thinking differently

00:14:10.920 about something, by taking a new course of action that will actually serve you better. And I try to

00:14:16.400 make the assumption that most people out there are helpful. Although quite a few of them just don't

00:14:23.260 know how to adequately express it. So they may not be very tactful in their delivery, but I think most

00:14:31.880 people are coming from a position of, of help. That's what I've taken away anyways. All right.

00:14:36.500 So let's recap these and I'll get to the last one. Number one, take a deep breath. Number one, be

00:14:40.700 distance yourself from the situation. And then number two, finding the activity, find something

00:14:46.820 that you can engage in that will, that will, will get you out of the situation physically and mentally.

00:14:52.120 Uh, step number three, try to figure out the lesson that it's teaching you. Step number four,

00:14:58.660 figuring out how this will serve you. How will somebody getting after you or you being mad or

00:15:04.880 angry or contentious actually serve you? And I think about going back to this fight with, uh,

00:15:10.180 Khabib and McGregor, man, if, if somebody's upset, that fuel can be used to train harder, to learn new

00:15:17.660 skills, to push past physical barriers and limitations, and that will actually serve a fighter

00:15:23.440 better. So figure out how we'll serve you. And then the last step is respond then. And only then

00:15:30.580 when you've distanced yourself, when you've thought about this, when you've given yourself the margin

00:15:34.540 and the space to actually give yourself some real thoughts and ideas about why you're experiencing

00:15:39.420 and feeling the way that you are then, and only then can you re-engage into the experience or the

00:15:47.100 conversation or what have you and respond accordingly. It truly is that simple. Now I'm

00:15:53.960 not saying it's easy. I'm not saying that because you now know this five-step process that somehow

00:15:58.620 you're going to be able to own every emotional experience that you've ever had. I'm not saying

00:16:02.700 that at all, but I hope that this will arm you and equip you with a new code, a new operating system

00:16:10.300 for the way that you address your emotions. Again, let's recap these and we'll call it a day and then

00:16:15.620 share with me how this is working for you. It's served me well. Every time that I engage with

00:16:20.680 somebody based on my emotions only, it just doesn't go well. But every time I use this process

00:16:27.560 and I incorporate this into my experience, those things have a way of serving me better.

00:16:34.080 Okay. So number one, take a deep breath. Number one, be distance yourself from the situation. Number two,

00:16:40.800 find an activity, an interest, a hobby, something that can engage you physically and mentally.

00:16:45.960 Number three, figure out the lesson that your emotions are teaching you. Just like the gauges

00:16:51.720 on your dashboard, what are the gauges on your dashboard telling you so that you can move into

00:16:56.660 step number four, which is, okay, how is this going to serve me? If the gas light is on, it's going to

00:17:02.240 serve me to pull over and go over to the gas station and get some gas. If the check engine light comes on,

00:17:08.600 it's going to serve me well to go get my truck serviced so that it's not going to do this in the future.

00:17:12.960 If I see that I'm speeding, it's going to serve me well. And it's going to keep me out of a ticket

00:17:17.000 and out of a potential accident for me just to slow down a little bit and get back into the speed

00:17:22.160 limit. That's what emotions are there to do. So step number four, how will it serve you?

00:17:26.300 And then step number five, I said it already then, and only then take the course of action,

00:17:32.460 respond the way that you feel you should respond. And I think if you do it that way,

00:17:36.120 you're going to be better served. All right, guys, I know it's a very short one for you compared

00:17:39.340 to what we usually do on Friday, but it was timely. Like I said, we saw a man who allowed

00:17:43.620 his emotions to get the better of him. Again, this was not about who the better fighter is,

00:17:47.720 or if he was justified or what he should do or shouldn't do. It was very simply an opportunity

00:17:52.040 to, to look and see a man who lost control of his emotions. And you know what, frankly,

00:17:57.940 I'm not judging him individually because we all do that. I lose control of myself at times.

00:18:03.300 I lose control of my emotions and I allow those things to get the better of me. This is something

00:18:07.020 that I am personally working on as well. And I will continue to work on because there's going to

00:18:11.220 be continual opportunities for me to learn from being mad or angry or contentious. And on the

00:18:18.000 other hand, glad and sad and excited and full of love and abundance and gratitude as well.

00:18:23.020 So this works on both sides of the spectrum. So there you go, guys, go out there, own those

00:18:28.260 emotions, own them. Don't suppress them, own them. Do not let them own you guys. I hope that helps.

00:18:35.220 I hope that serves you. Please keep sharing, keep listening, keep being the men that you are capable

00:18:39.680 of being fathers, husbands, employees, business owners, community leaders, whatever facet of

00:18:44.100 life you're showing up as. I'm inspired by you each and every day and glad to be on this journey

00:18:48.500 with you. So until next week, go out there, guys, own those emotions, take action and become the man

00:18:55.100 you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take

00:19:00.160 charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order

00:19:04.800 at orderofman.com.

00:19:09.680 Thank you.

Order of Man - October 12, 2018

Own Your Emotions, Do Not Allow Them To Own You ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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