Properly Evaluate Your Capabilities, Manage Your Energy Effectively, and Overcome an Alcohol Addiction ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 6 minutes
Words per Minute
180.21217
Summary
On this episode of the Order of Man Podcast, we talk about the importance of being a man of action, how to deal with critics, and what to do when dealing with family and friends who aren t supportive of your goals and dreams.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Kip, Happy New Year, brother. Great to see you.
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This is a great way to start out the year. It's January 2nd, so let's get after it.
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Dude, I love it. I love it. Might as well bring it up really quick. Enrollment is open in the Iron
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Council. To join us, go to orderofman.com slash Iron Council. It's going to be open this week,
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and then we're closing the doors until next quarter. Yeah, it closes on the 7th, so that's
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Sunday. We'll close it up. Also, if you've been on the fence about our Brotherhood, the Iron Council,
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then on January 4th, so that's Thursday, at 8 p.m. Eastern, we're doing a preview. Kip,
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you're going to talk about culture. We've got Alan Placer. He's going to talk about mindset and some
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other calls that he does in the Iron Council. We've got Wayne McPherson. He's going to talk about
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battle teams, what specifically a team looks like. Then Lex, a lot of guys know and love Lex. He's been
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around for a long time. He's going to be talking about systems and structures. It's going to be a
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really good overview of what the Iron Council is. Whether you decide to join or not, I think it's
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going to give you some insight into what a man needs to thrive as he rolls into 2024. That's January 4th,
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this Thursday at 8 p.m. Eastern. The link is theironcouncil.com slash preview. Theironcouncil.com
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slash preview, 8 p.m. Eastern, Thursday the 4th. Perfect. That'll be fun. It'll be a great call.
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I'm looking forward to it. It's always good. All right, man. We got questions today from the Iron
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Council. We'll just go ahead and jump right into those. John McDermott, he says,
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how about dealing with critics and people that aren't supportive of your goals and dreams,
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even if they are family members? How do we deal with these critics?
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So whenever I hear, and we've been doing this quite a bit now, we've been going at it for a
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while, almost nine years. You got some reps in. Yeah. Yeah. And whenever I hear, how do I deal with,
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fill in the blank, the answer is usually it's best not to. It's really best not to. You don't owe
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anyone an explanation. You don't owe anybody any sort of loyalty. They don't frankly owe you really
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anything. Now that said, I know there's a caveat. You might have your wife, for example, who, yeah,
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it's probably a good idea to explain what you're doing to her. So you guys are on the same page.
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That's a team member, but there's no reason for you to have to over-explain yourself or convince
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somebody or, or, or try to get them onto your side. If you have critics, just let your work do
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the speaking. When I started order of man, look, I'm not going to, I'm not going to pretend I was a
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victim and all people hated what I was doing and they didn't get it and didn't understand. I had a
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few people, but the overwhelming response was one of indifference. It was like, Oh, that sounds cool.
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Whatever. It wasn't negative. It wasn't positive. It was just indifference. People were doing their
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own thing and they weren't excited about what I was. And of course that makes sense. But over the
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years, they see the growth, they see the progress, they see the success that we've enjoyed and
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experienced and frankly created. And now they're allies. Now they're advocates. Now they're
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champions of the cause. They believe in what we're doing because we proved that what we were doing
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was a worthwhile endeavor. And if you look around in podcasting, on social media, how many men's
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movements do you see? I'm not going to take all the credit for that, but what we've created here
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should there's some credit deserved because of what we've created. And that's great. I love that.
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I've been talking about the importance of having other men's spaces for years and years.
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But it only took place because people saw that we blazed a trail that wasn't there before.
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And so it opened up avenues and veins and resources and opportunities that didn't exist before we got
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into the game nine years ago. So again, the bottom line, you don't have to convince anybody. You
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don't have to sell anybody. Just let your work do the speaking. And if people don't get it,
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so what? That's fine. If they're family members, in the spirit of the way the question was asked,
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if they're family members, and I'm not even talking about your folks or your siblings or aunts or uncles,
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I'm talking about your wife and kids, then I would lead with asking questions because maybe they have
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some valid concerns that you can address and you can help alleviate those concerns through
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healthy dialogue. But outside of that, you don't owe anything to anybody.
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Yeah. How do those questions look in that example, Ryan? So, I mean, if you're getting on the path,
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you have some aspirations, some goals that you want to get after,
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and your wife is pushing back and is not very supportive, what does that specifically look like
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perhaps? I think the best thing you can do is tackle it by saying, hey, hon, I know you have
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some concerns or skepticism about what I'm doing. Can we sit down and talk about a few things tonight?
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And let her prepare for what you want to talk about. Don't just say, hey, can we talk tonight?
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That could be scary. Usually that's a scary conversation. That's bad news. But if you say,
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hey, I know you have some reservations and apprehension about this new project or this
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new thing that I'm working on. Do you think you and I could carve out some time maybe for a half
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hour after kids go to bed and talk specifically about that? So what you're doing there is you're
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honoring her feelings. You're giving her a little bit of a heads up as to what you want to talk about.
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So you're not leaving her in the dark and you're giving her plenty of time to think about what she
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might want to address with you. So I think that's a very respectful way to bring it up. And then when
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you have that conversation, I just head on. Hey, hon, I've told you about this. I'm very excited about
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it. I think you're excited too. And I know how supportive you are, but I also understand that
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maybe you have some concerns. Money is obviously a concern. My time, am I going to be giving you and the
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kids enough attention? How's this going to impact my current work? There's a lot of questions that
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you might have about that. I would love to talk about those things. Would you mind sharing with me
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what your fears are? Man, I think. And here's the other thing too. If you can have that question or
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excuse me, that conversation in a healthier way, if all of your other conversations leading up to this
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one are healthy. And if they aren't, well, here's a great time to do it. Because what I've noticed
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about myself in the past is that my response has been volatile. So somebody might come to me and say,
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you know, maybe my ex-wife or my children might come to me with something and share something with
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me. And it's 50-50, whether I respond positively or negatively. And if that volatility is present,
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they're not going to do it. They're just not going to come talk to you. So whatever the response is,
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whatever her fears are, be very careful of A, being volatile, and then B, dismissing them.
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So if she says, I'm worried about money, say, oh, that's, you don't need to worry about that.
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That's dismissive of her concern. She does need to worry about that. So you can say, I understand.
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I'm actually worried about the finances too. Can I share with you some ways that I think we can hedge
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against that fear? Number one, we've built up a great nest egg. Number two, I have residual income
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coming in from work. So even if I don't bring in as many new clients because I'm focused on this other
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venture, we still have income coming in. Number three, you and I have done a tremendous job paying
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off debt. And so we don't, outside of the house payment, we don't have any other debt that we need to
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worry about. So I definitely feel those concerns, but here's my plan for making income to replace
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what we might lose. That might just be an example. So you don't ever dismiss what somebody's feeling
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like, oh, don't worry about that. No, she is worried about that. So acknowledge it and then
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share with her ways that you might hedge against what her fear might be.
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Yeah. The only thing I can't help but realize, you know, you're kind of alluding to it. People
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communicate with us based upon their experience with us, right? And so if I've run my mouth so
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many times, oh, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this. And I've constantly failed to stay in
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integrity and honor my word. And this is yet another shiny object for Kip to go after.
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Don't be surprised if we're not getting the support, you know? And so there's some value in,
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and I'm not saying like, just give up in the world because of our past experiences,
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but maybe approach the conversation from a humility perspective of, hey, people interact
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with us for a reason, right? Maybe my kids are hesitant to tell me why, because last time they
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gave me advice, you know, I shamed them for it and I attacked them for it and I was aggressive or
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whatever. So just kind of go into it realizing that, you know, there's an element that we play
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in how people interact with us. And we may not be getting the support that we need because in the
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past we haven't honored that support. And so that's part of your strategy is like, how do I
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address that? And what am I going to do this time that I didn't do last time, right? Which is
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obviously just valuable in itself. Well, one thing on that same note that I've thought about is that
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I've damaged relationships just like we all have. Like we've all damaged relationships. We've all
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burned bridges. Some of them are, is irreparable. I mean, can't even say that word. Irreplicable
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damage. Is that right? That sounds weird, but you get it. It's damaged beyond repair. I'll say it that
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way. Yeah, there you go. I'm not very smart. I'm more of a simple guy. So damage beyond repair.
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Parowan high school. That's right. Not much better than South Severe. So we'll just throw that out.
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Monroe, even worse. It wasn't even South Severe. It was, you guys had to go from Monroe to South
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Severe. I didn't even go to school. But the way I look at it is imagine that you injure your shoulder
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and you're, you're out for a period of time. Well, you might have to have some surgery. And so you get
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surgery done on your shoulder and then you let it heal. And then you go to physical therapy, to rehab,
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to, to, to do the work on it. And you're not out there like bench pressing, you know, three plates
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like you might've been before, but you're getting some bands. Maybe you're just working on range of
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motion. Then you move into band work. Then you move into light dumbbells and then gradually increases.
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And over time, you're able to get back to where you were hopefully, and maybe even better
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relationships. I think are very much the same way. We've all done damage to relationships and
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every engagement, every conversation, every time that you have an opportunity to converse with
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a person like that, it's an opportunity for rehab where you're actually rehabbing the relationship.
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You may have showed up very poorly in the past as all of us have. You may have said things,
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you may have done things, you may not have honored your word, you may have lied, you may have
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undermined your trust. But this opportunity is an opportunity for you just to put a little,
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a little deposit in the bank account to mix analogies. And you do that enough, you're rehabbing
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the relationship. And over time you begin to develop and build that trust, but you don't go
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from injured shoulder to benching three 15. You go from injured shoulder to range of motion,
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to bands, to light wakes, back up. Same thing with relationships. If you undermined a trust
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because you're volatile, you don't go all of a sudden, why don't they trust me anymore? What
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the hell? Okay. That's a deposit or seen that's a withdrawal. So you were mad or you're upset that
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you don't have trust in a relationship. And rather than working to build it up, you got pissed off
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and you undermined it even more of that trust. Yeah. Yeah. You went to go benched three 50 with
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the broken shoulder and destroyed it even more. Yeah. Or hurt your other one now. Right? So
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yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. All right. Brian Grogan, how do you deal navigate? How do you deal or
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navigate with a family member who needs to move out of your house, but is scared, worried deeply about
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the future? So scared that they resist sometimes violently aggressive. If it's violent and aggressive,
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two things come to mind. Number one, maybe this is mental illness. I don't know. I'm just,
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if it's violent and aggressive because of it, there's some mental issues going on.
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That might be an issue or, and also now you're in a dangerous situation and it needs to happen even
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more. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you don't want that around either. Right. Because it's dangerous for you
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and whoever else you might have in the house, including that person. Yeah. So this needs to
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happen sooner rather than later. The problem with, I think, and I'm making some assumptions,
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I'm feeling in the gaps here. I'm like, is this a kid? Is this an in-law? Is this another adult?
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If it's a child, I think that's a little bit more sensitive than it might be, you know, a brother
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or your parents or something. Right. Even parents would be hard. But when I, the assumption that I was
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making is that there's a pattern of behavior for a extended period of time that you've enabled this
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individual. And what happens, it's a lot like, let's say I go outside and I see a bald eagle
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injured. Its wing is broken. It's injured. It's laying in the field. And I pick up that bald eagle
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and I bring it in and I nurse it and I feed it and I coddle it and I bandage its wing. And I do
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everything that I can to, uh, you know, get this bald eagle back to a hundred percent health
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over time. I go and release that thing into the wild. It's going to die. It's not going to
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look for food. It's going to get attacked by other predators. Like it's just going to die
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because I hamstringed it. And you see that a lot of animals are net that are rescued,
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never are released back into the wild because they're incapable of dealing with it. So we might
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be having this situation here where it's all of a sudden, what are you going to do? You're going
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to kick that person out. They don't have a job. They don't have any skills. They don't have any
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money and they have no resources. That seems a little harsh in certain circumstances. Maybe that
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is what needs to take place. But what I might suggest again, a lot of assumptions here.
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What I might suggest is stop enabling them in small manageable ways and work up to the place
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where it's now I'm going to kick you out of the nest. So that might mean, hey, you're going to
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start paying me $200 a month for rent. Or, hey, you're going to start, if you're going to live here,
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here's some rules that are in place and you're going to abide by these rules, including help
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straighten the house, clean the house, contribute to food and cooking. You're going to contribute.
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You're also, over the next three months, going to find yourself gainful employment. You can stay
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here, but you are in the next month or two going to find gainful employment. And if you're doing that
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and I see that progress, then good. You can stay here for a little bit longer until you're able to
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get on it on your own. But what I'm saying is you introduce opportunities for them to gain some
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sovereignty and independence in manageable ways without just completely kicking this person to the
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curb, which it's a family member. You don't want to do that. And frankly, it probably is not even
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healthy or productive for that individual who you've coddled for however many years you have.
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No, not really. I mean, I think that's the, I mean, address the scary and worried,
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right? And you address that by giving them reps, right? It's like, hey, dude, you're paying rent.
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You're pulling your weight a little bit. Now it's cheaper rent than normal.
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Now that's the next step. But certainly don't delay it, right? Like, and I think there's a lot
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of opportunity that we could create those opportunities for them to own their situation
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and empower them, but tackle them. Like we have a tendency sometimes, like, especially with like
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college age kids, I think it's like, oh, well, once you get college, then all of a sudden,
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like some switch happens and they become responsible. And it's like, no, start that now,
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right? Like start whatever that is now. They don't need to graduate to be able to figure some
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of this stuff out and they need the reps. Like there's just life. You don't learn from life
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Right. And like, I mean, I think we're being a dead horse now, so I won't really get into much
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more detail, but yeah, well, there's only one other thing I would say is you just have to have
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some sort of boundaries in place. So Kip, if you're, if you're with me and you're staying at my place,
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just as a little role play here. And I tell you, Hey Kip, you know, rent is $300 a month. You're
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going to have to start paying that. And if you don't pay that, you have a 30 day window to pay that.
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And if you don't pay it, then you're going to have to find your own place within the next 30 days.
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Yeah. Really clear on the expectations and the results of those not being met. Yeah.
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And I would also say to you, if, again, if this was the scenario, I'd say, Hey Kip,
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you know, you need to start paying rent. I want you to contribute here. There's costs associated with
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having you here, utilities and food bill and everything. So I need you to start paying rent.
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It's also in your best interest to learn how to manage all of this stuff. So you can go out and do
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this on your own, but let's talk about some of the ramifications. If you don't, what,
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what do you think should be the ramification? If you fail to pay me rent in a timely manner?
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Yeah, totally. And then that way I'm bought into it. I'm the one that suggested it. Yeah.
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It's great. Cool. All right. Rob Thompson, give the IC as a whole and after action review
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over the last eight years or nine, he says, has iron council fulfilled the vision you set out with?
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Where is it crushing it? What would you like to see it do better? And what does 2024 look like for
00:18:46.520
the iron council coming down the pipeline? Yeah. So, and I'll start at the beginning. I won't,
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I won't drone on and on about it. I'll do the quick, you know, 30,000 foot view AAR. But when we
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started the iron council, it was almost nine years ago, actually probably about eight. Cause we started a
00:19:02.440
little bit after the order of man movement. And we, we originally had 12 members and we still have
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one of, one of our very first member, Mark Kablosky is still in the iron council. So he's been with us
00:19:14.940
for almost a decade now, which is so wild to think about. Cause I remember the email I sent him.
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In fact, I still have a screenshot of the email I sent him. Uh, and so that was 12 guys. And then
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we got about 10 weeks, nine, 10 weeks into a 12 week course. And the guys were asking for more.
00:19:30.440
So we opened it up after that first round and we grew to about a hundred fairly quickly. And now
00:19:35.540
we're over a thousand guys in the iron council and you know, men come and go, we've introduced a lot
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of systems and structure based on drawing pains. For example, we lost a lot of the intimacy with the
00:19:49.040
iron council. And this is the problem with a lot of men's movements. They're built around a central
00:19:53.380
figurehead and that person becomes the idol, the God, right? We all worship this individual.
00:19:59.820
We've never done that. We all want the call with that guy. Yeah. And, and I think one thing,
00:20:06.480
if I'm tooting my own horn here a little bit that I did very well is realize this wasn't about me.
00:20:12.240
And so I created systems that allowed the connections and the accountability to take place
00:20:19.100
without me having to be the central figurehead. That's helpful for me. Cause I have other things
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like family and personal goals and relationships that I'm working on. So I can do those things.
00:20:29.900
And it's also helpful for the guys because I'm not the bottleneck. I don't want to be the bottleneck
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to their growth. So there's men like you and there's men like Lex and Alan and Jay and Chris and Drew
00:20:40.960
and Reese. I could go on and on with the men who help us, but we've enabled them to, I shouldn't say
00:20:48.980
enabled. We've empowered them to step into their own, uh, talents and skillsets and then contribute,
00:20:58.420
which allows there to be less of a bottleneck. So there's a lot of growth. This is why battle teams,
00:21:02.820
for example, started, uh, this last year, last year, 2023, I'm going to have to wrap my head around
00:21:08.480
that one. Uh, we started releasing a couple of courses. We got a lot more strategic on not only
00:21:15.940
battle team leaders, but having battle team leader mentors. These are guys who have proven themselves
00:21:21.020
capable of managing, building, inspiring teams are now helping three to five teams each do the same.
00:21:28.300
Um, and then as far as moving into the new year, you're going to see a lot more courses come online.
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You personally wrote a leadership development program that we're going to continue to flesh
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out and grow and make more robust through videos, through Q and A's through other, other plans that
00:21:47.280
we have that we don't necessarily need to get into details with right now. Uh, and then we're going to
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continue that structured environment that isn't again, built around a central figurehead that all
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the members are supposed to worship. If anything, it's not honor that individual in this case, me,
00:22:02.740
it's honor, the process, honor, the system, honor, the mission. And, and if us, we, as leadership do
00:22:09.960
that, look, we've had to have, we've, I've had to ask team leaders to step down because the mission
00:22:15.900
comes first. It's not the individual. If it was the individual, I could probably baby or coddle that
00:22:22.120
person. Who's not doing a good job, but that would be a disservice to all the other people who I've
00:22:27.980
promised and made a commitment to. So the mission comes first and then the people support the mission
00:22:33.820
and we give them the resources to do that, but you're going to see a lot more structure, um, and
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resources around the system, the process of personal development. Yeah, dude, it's been awesome.
00:22:46.780
It's been such a fun journey. You know, one thing that you mentioned a couple of times,
00:22:50.560
and I know this isn't necessarily where I'm going off a tangent off Rob's question, but I,
00:22:54.720
I want to ask you about this because this has been a breakthrough and I wanted to get
00:22:59.900
your feedback on, on this breakthrough that I've had. But so often I've looked at decentralized
00:23:05.100
command as, um, it's a, it's a scaling, right? And I just stopped there. I'm like, oh, well,
00:23:10.860
this is how you scale, right? And you, you would break things out. So then that way, as we get larger,
00:23:16.400
Ryan's not managing, you know, the accountability of, you know, 1500 guys, right? Like that's just not
00:23:23.780
feasible. No, that the thing that has been really present to me of late is it's also not how we
00:23:32.480
influence people, right? Like part of the decentralized command is that we have team leads
00:23:40.320
running a team of, you know, roughly 15 guys. Why 15? Because at that level, that battle team leader
00:23:49.000
and his XO can positively influence those individuals because they're in a position of
00:23:55.560
influence. There's a big difference between a figurehead preaching at the pulpit, right? And
00:24:04.020
giving ideas versus someone that has an established relationship with the individuals that they're
00:24:09.860
leading. And thus they're the person that is in the best position to influence and hold them
00:24:15.500
accountable. So it's not just scale, but it's effectiveness and quality. And it's somewhat
00:24:21.740
naive, I think for organizations to assume that Ryan is in a position of influence necessarily a guy on a
00:24:31.280
battle team somewhere. I need to know what's going on in his life. I established relationship. I
00:24:37.220
understand what's going on. Like I'm now the person of influence for him. Ryan may not know the backstory
00:24:42.660
and all these other things. And so in a large scaled organization, he's not really in a position
00:24:47.740
to provide as much quality services to the individual team member as the battle team leader
00:24:53.380
would be. Yeah. I mean, spot on. I think if you want to look at the efficacy of not just a movement
00:24:59.960
or an organization, but an individual, don't look at how many followers they have. That to me isn't,
00:25:07.700
they might have a good message. They might have something that resonates. Sure. And it could even
00:25:13.640
be positive, but I don't think that's necessarily effective. What I'd rather know about an individual
00:25:20.160
is how many more leaders they're producing. So if a guy needs me, for example, to operate and
00:25:27.740
function correctly in his life, that's a failure on my part as a leader. It feels good. Strokes my ego.
00:25:34.140
And that's what a lot of these guys will do. You'll see them. They'll just run their mouths,
00:25:37.860
flap their gums, talk about great. They're wonderful. Follow me. Do what I do. That's
00:25:42.800
not what I'm interested in. I want a man who listens to what we're doing, whether it's something
00:25:47.920
you say, or I say, or any number of podcast guests that we have on and they take it, they internalize
00:25:53.480
it. It becomes infused into their DNA. And now they're leading their families. Now they're leading in
00:26:00.380
their communities. Now they're stepping up in their businesses. Now they're serving their clients
00:26:04.240
and they're leading effectively, not just following me around helplessly or blindly. I don't want that.
00:26:13.400
And you'll see a lot of people do that. And it's unfortunate because it doesn't serve people in the
00:26:17.120
long run. And the other thing I wrote down here is this isn't like the despicable me movement where I
00:26:21.880
have a bunch of minions who just cling on to every word I say. That would be pathetic because it serves
00:26:28.460
me, but it doesn't serve anybody else. And we're here to serve other men so they can go out and do
00:26:34.680
the same thing on their own outside of our help and influence. In a self-directed manner, not a,
00:26:40.400
oh, I got to get run this by Ryan for me to be able to make decisions. Right. Yeah. Good call.
00:26:46.860
Jason Clark, we all have certain level of capacity to accomplish tasks. How do you evaluate,
00:26:52.960
strategize your goals and tasks in relation or in consideration of your capacity? Secondly,
00:26:59.240
how do you know when to push to increase your capacity and when to say no?
00:27:05.280
Interesting. I tend to be more of a, it is, it's a hard one for me to answer because
00:27:10.280
I tend to be more of an intuitive planner where I could look at, for example, I've got my,
00:27:17.820
you know, my battle plan here and I can write down everything that needs to get done for the day.
00:27:21.480
And intuitively I can say that needs to get done. Like that's the priority. And I don't actually
00:27:26.280
spend a lot of time strategizing like, oh, should I do this? Or should I do that? I'm like, nope,
00:27:30.880
that's pressing. That needs to get done. Or maybe it's not even pressing, but it's going to move the
00:27:35.120
needle the most. Well, is it Stephen Covey who talks about, um, four quadrants. Yeah. Important
00:27:43.040
and urgent. Right. So it's, let's think if we can get this right. So it's important and urgent.
00:27:47.940
It's important and not urgent. It's not important, but urgent and not important, not urgent.
00:27:55.960
Yep. I get that right. Yep. Totally. And if I remember correctly, he says to focus on the
00:28:01.500
important, but not urgent first. Is that accurate?
00:28:06.440
Well, no, I mean, from my, if I remember if it's important and urgent, those things,
00:28:12.380
those are five that actually do need to be addressed. Right. The things you want to stay
00:28:16.680
away from is urgent and not important and not urgent and not important. Right. Like, right.
00:28:22.160
Just get those off the table immediately, but try to scale and move into fire prevention,
00:28:28.600
right. Which is not urgent, but important. Yeah. So, uh, a practical application of that would be,
00:28:36.560
um, my task for this week. So one that is important and urgent is that we have our iron council
00:28:43.740
preview on Thursday. I need to find the correct way, the technology to ensure that it will also
00:28:50.760
broadcast in our Facebook group and on YouTube. That's important. And it's urgent because I it's
00:28:57.860
Thursday. Get out that black magic, man. Yeah. Right. I've got it right here. Yeah. Yeah. Cool.
00:29:06.060
Now something in my business that would be important, but not urgent is that I'm going to
00:29:11.940
be releasing dates for two events that we have this year. That's very important. It's not super
00:29:18.960
urgent because we've got a little bit of time. So, but it's important that the funnels are set up
00:29:23.160
correctly, that the wording, that the dates, that everything is where it needs to be. And then that way,
00:29:27.660
when I release it later this week, or maybe beginning of next week, it's fine. Like I've
00:29:33.880
already addressed it and it's no longer a fire because it's already done. So that would be a
00:29:37.520
practical application of Stephen Covey's four quadrant principles. Yeah. As far as capacity,
00:29:44.260
just ask yourself, did I, did I accomplish the task? Yeah. Did I get it done? And if you got it done,
00:29:50.860
then you were capable of doing it. And then ask yourself, could I have done it better?
00:29:54.400
Which the answer is always yes. Yeah. And in order to do it better, what new skills do you need
00:29:59.960
to do? So if you're going to do it again, and a lot of attack, a lot of times the tasks that we do
00:30:05.400
require us to improve and to continually do them, then ask yourself, what can I do to improve? And
00:30:11.740
what resources do I need? And what skillset do I need to develop? And that might be marketing,
00:30:16.780
for example, in a business that would be an important, but not urgent. So what you could do is you
00:30:22.380
could realize, Hey, I see that marketing is important. I see that if I do this, I could be
00:30:26.600
better. And so I'm going to purchase a course on internet marketing, email marketing, social media
00:30:33.740
marketing. And I'm going to take that over the next 30 days so that when I do this next month,
00:30:37.840
I'm more prepared to do it moving forward. The only, not the only other way, another way
00:30:43.160
that you can evaluate your performance is to ask a third party, what they, how they perceive your
00:30:51.080
performance because they're not as biased about your performance as you are. And if you have
00:30:55.640
somebody who's trusted and somebody who's honest, then they're going to give you crucial feedback
00:31:00.360
that would be impossible for you to see in any other way. So ask for that feedback from qualified
00:31:05.440
sources who are willing to be honest with you. And to our first question about how to deal with
00:31:11.740
critics or family members who might, or, you know, don't respond negatively.
00:31:17.780
If, if Kip, I say, Hey, Kip, can you give me some feedback on the way that I communicate a point
00:31:24.240
on or ask me any things? And you say, Ryan, you do a great job at this, but here's one thing is you
00:31:29.880
stumble over your words or you use this filler phrase quite a bit. And if I get all pissed off
00:31:35.120
and butthurt about you saying that, not only did I undermine the actual advice that could have helped
00:31:40.820
me, I just cut you off at the knees and you're never going to offer advice to me again.
00:31:46.360
So just say, even if you don't agree with it, I don't even have to agree with it.
00:31:50.320
And say, Kip, I appreciate the feedback. I will take that into consideration. I'm going to go back
00:31:55.380
and listen and see what I actually do because that is valuable feedback. I don't have to agree to say
00:32:00.200
that. So it's thank you. I appreciate you giving me that feedback. And I'm going to take that into
00:32:05.360
consideration as I try to improve. Yeah. And if you explain it, by the way, that's that feels the
00:32:10.780
same. So if I say you have this filler where you're like, oh, well, I do that because of blah, blah,
00:32:15.120
blah. It's like, okay, you're not listening. It's an excuse. So just sit with it. Yeah. Sit with it.
00:32:20.720
No defense. Don't be defensive. Just say thank you. Jason, one thing that that has been very present
00:32:26.520
for me probably over the last six months, mostly is energy management. That's my problem. It's not
00:32:34.220
capacity. It's not schedule. It's not how many hours. If anything, I almost feel like, man,
00:32:39.880
I could do more. I could do more. I have these little spots of time or whatever. So there's two
00:32:43.920
things that I have to keep in mind, the energy towards it and mostly the leftover energy for my
00:32:53.440
family, because I can have capacity to be with my kids. But if I'm doing it from the perspective of
00:33:00.640
angry and frustrated and I'm tired and all these other things, then I'm not going to do it well.
00:33:06.180
So just be mindful of energy management, if you want to use that term. And then the second part is
00:33:12.660
the price. What's the price that you're willing to pay? And I've said that probably one too many times,
00:33:18.300
but far too often we'll take on new things, right? Well, I'm going to do all these things.
00:33:22.760
What's the price and who's paying the price and is it worth it? And just make sure that you're clear
00:33:28.780
on the price that needs to be paid. I love it. So I wrote down a quick little
00:33:33.580
three questions that you can ask yourself on energy management.
00:33:45.740
I work good in frameworks. So this is why I do this. So hopefully it serves other guys.
00:33:50.400
All right. So energy management. So when you're presented with something new,
00:33:54.120
like a new task, a new assignment, a new project, whatever. The first question is,
00:33:59.060
does this have to be done? That's the very first question. And there's two litmus tests that you can
00:34:07.640
measure that against. Number one, it's a priority or it's a preference. So for example, we're into the
00:34:12.740
new year, taxes, tax season is knocking on our doors. Does it have to get done? Yes.
00:34:20.000
That's not a preference. That's a priority. It has to be done. A preference might be our Thursday
00:34:27.440
call, right? Our Thursday Iron Council call. Does it have to be done? No, but it's a preference.
00:34:32.300
It's something that we think will benefit the men who join the call and end up banding with us in the
00:34:36.760
Iron Council. It's a preference. So the answer to that question, does it have to get done? Both of those,
00:34:41.920
yes. If it's no, then just clear it off your table. If it's not a priority or preference,
00:34:48.200
you're not obligated to do it. So if somebody calls me up and says, Hey Ryan, man, I need help
00:34:54.780
moving this weekend. Can you help me? And it's not a priority or a preference for me.
00:35:00.300
The answer is no. And then I can just forget about it. If you called me and said, would you help me
00:35:07.040
move? That would be a preference for me because I care about you and our relationship. Then I would
00:35:10.980
say yes. And I would work it into the schedule. Okay. The next question is, if it's a yes, it's a
00:35:17.120
preference or priority and it has to be done. The next question is, should I be the one to do it?
00:35:23.580
So with the technology for our Thursday call, I'm not super proficient in that, but Drew Kachurik is.
00:35:31.020
So I called Drew this morning. I left him a message. He called me back. Actually,
00:35:34.500
I just saw my phone ring. He called me back. I'll get back with him. And hopefully he'll be able to
00:35:38.920
help me with some answers and get that set up. So should I be the one to do it?
00:35:44.120
And if, yeah, if the answer is no, it needs to get done. I don't need to be the one to do it.
00:35:51.180
And I shouldn't be the one to do it. Then the third question is who should, and then you delegate
00:35:56.600
that to the right person who has the capacity, like Jason's talking about and the skillset and
00:36:02.940
is capable of fulfilling or meeting that responsibility. There you go. Brainwork.
00:36:09.780
Future Friday field notes. All right. I don't know. We said, I think we said it all right there.
00:36:16.200
What else is there to talk about? All right. Trevor Kapp, new to the iron council. And I've
00:36:21.520
asked this question in a couple of channels already, but I want to know what y'all think.
00:36:25.460
I'm trying to prep mentally for a court hearing that's holding my mother's daughter in contempt
00:36:31.840
of court for not following the court ordered parenting plan. How would you mentally prepare for
00:36:38.500
that? I'm not wanting to talk badly about her as a mother, but I know they are going to come after
00:36:43.980
me in full force and paint me as a bad father. Side note, there are no assault, abuse, or neglect
00:36:50.360
allegations. I left for a year to attend trade school to further my career.
00:36:56.000
He, you said his mother's daughter, but I'm wondering if he met his daughter's mother.
00:37:03.460
Cause his mother's daughter would be his sister.
00:37:07.500
Yeah. So, so maybe his daughter's mother. Okay. I just want to be clear. Like I'm just
00:37:13.040
wrapping my hair around. I bet you're right. I bet you're right.
00:37:15.300
Okay. So we'll just assume it's daughter's mother. So maybe your ex is what it sounds like to me.
00:37:19.960
And he doesn't want to throw her under the bus, but they're coming for him.
00:37:24.120
Yeah. I don't think just because they're going to be coming for you that you need to throw her under
00:37:28.940
the bus. I think you can be honest about the circumstances and that might not paint her
00:37:33.880
necessarily in a favorable light, but if you're honest, you're not throwing her under the bus.
00:37:38.320
Yeah. I look, I'm not an attorney. So my first advice would be ask your attorney that question.
00:37:46.060
Because they're going to tell you from a legal standpoint, from a mental standpoint,
00:37:50.040
they've done this, they do this. They're going to tell you and then listen to them.
00:37:53.720
Please. If they tell you to do something or not do something, I don't really care about your
00:37:58.740
feelings. I don't care about how you feel about her or what you're experiencing. Just do what they
00:38:04.060
tell you to do because they're experts. You hired that person for a reason. Let their advice work
00:38:09.380
for you by doing it. The only thing I would add that I think an attorney would probably cooperate on
00:38:14.460
this is just make sure you document everything. When I was going through my divorce, I went to AA
00:38:21.780
meetings and I started going to a therapist. I wrote down every meeting I attended, every therapy
00:38:28.180
session that I had. I took notes about what I did. Everything was well-documented. If I went to trade,
00:38:36.640
I didn't, but like you, if you went to trade school, why did you go to trade school? It's so you can put
00:38:41.860
yourself in a better financial situation so that you can get a home for your children where they're
00:38:47.200
going to feel good and comfortable and happy and fulfilled. So everything that she might throw at
00:38:54.640
you or the attorneys might throw at you, you need to anticipate what that might be and then have
00:38:59.740
documented evidence that proves the contrary. If they say you're an alcoholic and I don't think
00:39:06.120
you are, I don't know the situation, but I'm just using this as an example. If they say, well,
00:39:10.300
he's a raging alcoholic, but then you have seven months history of AA meetings, including detailed
00:39:17.500
notes, no arrests, no DUIs, that doesn't really hold any weight. So make sure everything is documented
00:39:23.960
that will prove the opposite of what they're going to try to smear you with. That's my two cents.
00:39:30.420
And make it stay, stay connected to the intent, right? And the intent is what? Your kids. So if it's,
00:39:38.020
if you're holding her content for messing up the parenting plan, instead of attacking her,
00:39:43.520
make it about you having appropriate time with your kids and you ensuring they have appropriate
00:39:49.620
time with their mother and what's best for their children. Constantly bring it back to what is best
00:39:55.800
for your kids and making sure that they're being supported and they have a structured system in place
00:40:01.660
so it helps them and will be beneficial to their mother and you throughout the process because you
00:40:08.860
know how you're dealing with things. Like the minute you start, I mean, I, maybe this is just
00:40:13.980
debate one-on-one, right? Stay away from attacking her and focus on the issue and how you can best
00:40:20.100
serve your kids. And that's going to come, that intent will be smelled. So if the intent is wrong and
00:40:26.640
you make it about attacking her, then you're just some bitter ex that's trying to smear her.
00:40:32.040
Don't just focus on, on making sure that your kids are getting the best situation possible
00:40:37.100
or a kid. We're assuming a bunch here. Yeah. I tend to, as you're saying this, think about,
00:40:45.500
you know, going into battle or even, even playing a competitive game, you know, pro, pro football game.
00:40:51.760
Like think about all the preparation that goes into being a soldier or being an athlete. And
00:40:57.960
I'm not comparing the two. I'm just using those two as examples. You know, they're, they're well
00:41:01.960
trained. They have a team of advisors and coaches and trainers and support. They, they always look
00:41:08.720
great. Like why do we wear uniforms? Well, we have to look the part, right? So what I would suggest to
00:41:14.200
you, and again, talk with your attorney on this, but I would really pour over my social media accounts
00:41:19.360
and ask myself, do I look like a douche bag or I do, do I look like a good father? Yeah. Cause trust
00:41:26.200
me, trust me. If you look like a tool, that's ammo against you. Yeah. Okay. When it comes to texting
00:41:35.060
your ex, look, you got to exchange texts or phone calls because you've got the kids just assume that's
00:41:42.860
all being documented. Assume maybe even it's being recorded, whether it's legal or not assume
00:41:49.360
screenshots of texts that you're sending. I promise you that's happening. So don't tee
00:41:55.420
yourself up for failure. Don't do dumb things. Don't say inappropriate things. Don't make yourself
00:42:03.560
look like a piece of garbage. If you're 50 pounds overweight, maybe you ought to get yourself in
00:42:10.420
shape. Like this week, lose a few pounds, go to the gym, get a haircut, clean up your beard,
00:42:18.100
like take care of yourself. Cause when you go to court and you look like a fat slob,
00:42:22.800
I'm not trying to be rude. And I'm not saying he even is. I'm just using this as an example.
00:42:27.100
So everybody knows that's going to say something about you. But if you show up well-dressed,
00:42:32.960
looking groomed, you're able to articulate your side. If you say anything at all,
00:42:37.800
because your attorneys might deal with it, that's going to be better than you looking like a fool
00:42:42.880
and not preparing for what you're about to step into. Absolutely.
00:42:47.240
Ryan, um got any tips for proposing to my girlfriend and steps to take following the
00:42:53.360
engagement and the proposal. I have a ring, save some money. And the idea, what I have planned to
00:42:59.260
do is rooftop surprise with close friends and family with music and food. Awesome. Sounds like
00:43:04.820
you're ready to go. Yeah. No, I think, I mean, you're, you're obviously to the point now.
00:43:10.340
The only thing that comes to mind is like, have you had conversations about your future? Not like,
00:43:15.100
Hey, I love you. Like that's important. But finances, religion, children, where you want to
00:43:21.220
live. Do you want her to stay home? Does she want to stay home? Does she want to work? Like
00:43:24.720
all these important things. I hope you've already addressed those things. Um, I'm excited for you.
00:43:30.540
I mean, I think that's awesome. I think that's great. And it sounds like you have a good plan
00:43:33.920
as far as afterwards. I think just communication, you know, maybe this is 10. I think this tends to
00:43:40.620
be more of a thing for women. Like they're really, they're really excited about their wedding. And so
00:43:45.860
they might have a tendency of going overboard financially, but maybe that's not something
00:43:50.280
that you guys want to do. So you're going to need to have a healthy conversation about
00:43:53.980
what, what is our budget? What does this look like? How many people do we invite? How much
00:43:58.380
are we going to spend? How much are we not going to spend? Um, when is it going to be, you know,
00:44:03.000
just open dialogue and communication continue, even in your engagement to have the kind of
00:44:08.840
conversations that we talked about. And I'm not advocating that you break it off by any means,
00:44:13.680
but I would still be looking for red flags and things to be aware of before you make the complete
00:44:19.900
plunge into this commitment. And again, I'm not advocating for that. I'm just saying you're not there
00:44:26.540
yet. So just keep having those conversations. Yeah. And that's, and it's for both of you,
00:44:32.800
right? You're managing expectations and provide clarity. And so it needs to be addressed if you
00:44:38.200
haven't. Yeah. But I think as far as like you planning it and it sounds like you've done a good
00:44:43.780
job thinking about it and I'm excited for you and I'd love to hear how it goes. So let me know.
00:44:48.840
Congrats. Brent Wardell. I know many of us struggle with this, but would,
00:44:53.840
would really like to cut out booze from my life. As I know, it's one of the things that truly holds
00:44:59.540
me back from accomplishing many of my goals in fitness work relationships and being present for
00:45:05.360
my kids. Good call on the presence, by the way, what are some ways to get beyond this short-term
00:45:10.920
progress and to make a long-term habit where I don't even think about it anymore or even desire it?
00:45:16.900
Yeah. I was pulling up a podcast that I did. This was, well, this was last year, January
00:45:25.740
of 2023. So, and it's, it's titled what five months of sobriety has taught me. So I think if you go back
00:45:36.700
and you listen to that, that might help. I'll just go through these real quick. So number one,
00:45:41.820
you reach rock bottom when you stop digging, like these aren't tactics. They're just mindsets to
00:45:46.880
consider, but you reach rock bottom when you stop digging. Number two, there's a lot of emotions
00:45:51.580
inside of me that I wasn't aware of. This is actually good for me to go.
00:45:55.120
Like you were addressing, you're using alcohol to address those. You have to cope, not address them
00:46:00.360
to cope or to hide them, to subdue them. Number three, I was really good at hiding it. So what does that
00:46:05.900
tell me? Like you're ashamed of it or bring your sins into light, right? They can't exist in the light.
00:46:11.980
Number four, I also realized I'm pretty incredible. And what I wrote here is
00:46:17.700
specifically what I could do with an extra three to four hours per day that I recoup,
00:46:23.480
not being drunk, passed out or hung over. Number five, alcohol does not make me a better person or
00:46:29.140
a better anything. I used to think that it did. I actually convinced myself that I was a better
00:46:33.720
podcaster if I was drunk because I was more loose and able to have a different kind of conversation.
00:46:38.440
That's not true. Number six, people appreciate transparent leadership because I was open and
00:46:44.020
honest about what I was dealing with. Number seven, trust is easy to destroy and much harder to
00:46:49.040
rebuild. Number eight, your course of action will change. This one's important. Your course of action
00:46:55.260
will change when the pain of the current reality that you put yourself in is greater than the struggle
00:47:02.300
of change. Let me say that one again. Your course of action will change when the pain of the current
00:47:12.520
reality that you put yourself in is greater. The pain is greater than the struggle of change because
00:47:19.540
change is hard. Yeah. And then the last thing I put here is that I've allowed the spirit of God back
00:47:25.840
into my life. Can I call out something? The pain of the current reality. I love that because
00:47:34.560
I think often we don't get present to the pain of the current reality, right? Like we downplay
00:47:43.960
the impact of our actions when reality it's there. The pain and the suffering and the hardship,
00:47:51.980
it's all there. We just choose not to look at it. So, because some people might say, well,
00:48:00.700
Ryan, it's not destroying my life, right? So the pain isn't there. No, no, no, no. And Brent kind of
00:48:05.940
alludes it to it here, right? The pain's there. Goal in his fitness, affecting his work, his relationships
00:48:12.460
and present to his kids. Just grab the last one. That might be enough to get present to and go,
00:48:19.640
whoa, whoa, right? And us really like feeling the impact of that, then your seventh bullet,
00:48:28.200
I think, becomes really powerful. And I would suggest the pain's there. We're just choosing
00:48:32.460
not to look at it. I agree. And it is destroying your life. You just haven't realized the result yet
00:48:39.700
because your wife hasn't left you or you haven't abused her or one of your children,
00:48:45.560
or you haven't got arrested for a job or hit somebody. You haven't lost a job, got yourself
00:48:51.260
in a financial hardship. You haven't done irreparable damage to your body and have a
00:49:00.360
medical diagnosis. That's coming. All of that's coming if you stay on the current path. So to your
00:49:06.900
point, get present to the reality of the situation you're in. You just haven't realized the result yet,
00:49:14.720
but you're on that path. It's like you're driving towards the cliff. You haven't fallen off the
00:49:19.240
cliff yet, but you're on the road to the end of the cliff. And you can let yourself fall off. And
00:49:25.380
in some ways I did, and that was horrible because it impacted people negatively, my own doing. Or
00:49:33.140
you could take a little bit of advice here and say, oh shit, pump the brakes, please.
00:49:39.080
And take that next turn to a healthier place, which is right now.
00:49:45.540
From a tactical standpoint, I would say AA is helpful or another meeting, but AA.
00:49:50.880
One thing I did is I printed out a monthly calendar, three months worth of calendars.
00:49:59.820
And I literally checked them on. You can go back to my Instagram account from earlier in 2023 and see,
00:50:06.720
like I checked off three months of sobriety, figure out why you're doing it. Maybe therapy
00:50:12.300
could come into place because you're coping and trying to subdue or hide something you're coping
00:50:19.520
in an unhealthy way. Therapy might be helpful. And then maybe there's some things that you can do to
00:50:25.160
replace the behavior. You can look at Charles Duhigg, The Power of Habit, or James Clear,
00:50:33.560
Atomic Habits to talk about that habit process. And for me, a lot of the times, even just boredom
00:50:41.720
was a reason to drink. And so don't be bored. Find something to do.
00:50:46.060
Yeah. Yeah. I find this interesting. I just thought about this, how, and it's actually a
00:50:54.400
fundamental attribution error, but nonetheless, it's interesting where whenever we have a victim
00:51:00.660
mindset, we'll excuse it, right? It's the reason. And I wonder for most people that when they make a
00:51:10.360
bad decision, maybe being drunk or under the influence of something, they attribute the bad
00:51:16.380
action to the alcohol, right? It's like, well, you know, it's not me. You know, I was drunk and I was
00:51:23.360
whatever. Yeah. And we need to remember that people don't see it that way, right? No, no, no little kid
00:51:28.780
went, hey, dad beat me, but you know, it was the alcohol. No.
00:51:33.420
It's also just not true. Yeah. Their dad did that to them, right? Like, and, and, and so sometimes
00:51:40.800
when we make foolish decisions underneath the influence of a substance, we'll, we'll excuse
00:51:47.420
it away. Like it's the substance. And it's like, but no one else sees it that way, but you, everyone
00:51:52.900
sees it as that's you. And that's what you were doing as an individual. So I don't know, just a
00:51:59.400
thought that's like saying in a mass shooting, well, the gun killed those people. No, the person
00:52:04.840
who walked into the school with a gun, who was pulling the trigger, a gun is a scent is not
00:52:10.320
sentient. Alcohol is not sent. It doesn't make decisions. It doesn't just get up and walk and do
00:52:15.540
evil things. Like, yeah, it's you. It was me. Like, yes, maybe because you were drunk,
00:52:23.400
you acted out of character, but you are the one who decided to drink. Yeah. So make a better
00:52:29.180
choice, which is what I'm trying to do. Marcus Segura. One of my focus this year
00:52:35.300
specifically is ensuring I am prepared as I want to be and should be as a new husband
00:52:41.560
coming this October. So he's, he's got 10 months. You got 10 months, Marcus, to get,
00:52:46.520
get your act together. What is one key area you found most impactful as a new husband,
00:52:53.000
current or divorced that you wish you would have had prioritized or focused on? That's a good
00:52:58.740
question. I like this. That is good. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I think for me, if I like, there's a lot for
00:53:04.980
sure, but the thing that stands out the most is making sure that our relationship is a priority
00:53:10.320
and that it doesn't come before other things and then open communication about difficult situations
00:53:21.300
so that things aren't left unsaid or problems that could potentially arise, aren't addressed,
00:53:28.640
or things are festering under the surface that either of us aren't willing to talk about. And
00:53:34.680
a lot of that making sure they get addressed, make sure that they get addressed. But a lot of that is
00:53:40.720
for lack of a better word, conditioning. Um, you know, we've heard the term you, you train people
00:53:47.040
how to treat you. So if your significant other is not talking to you, it's probably not because they
00:53:55.080
don't want to talk to you. It's probably because you've trained them not to by your response. Yeah.
00:54:02.160
So if you want them to communicate with you, then it's on you to change the way that you handle
00:54:09.860
those discussions. And this is, this is counter to this like ridiculous men's thing of like, well,
00:54:17.660
women, you know, they don't, yeah, you know, I know, I know that there's bitches out there. I know
00:54:24.880
that there's, you know, evil. And I know that some women want to get in that. I know that like,
00:54:31.160
we're not being naive about it, but for the most part, especially if you're in a relationship,
00:54:37.240
for the most part, there's a lot that you can do about your own behavior that will elicit a
00:54:44.100
completely and entirely different response in other people. If you just show up differently.
00:54:50.800
Yeah. And I think even if it doesn't, let's say you show up differently and she doesn't respond
00:54:55.740
differently. You're not any worse. In fact, you're better off because if that relationship does expire,
00:55:00.740
then you're going to be healthier to go into your next one. So take it on you because
00:55:07.220
you can't really control her. Yeah, totally. I think the conversation of like, you know,
00:55:13.720
getting your own stuff together as much as possible, right? Like your own demons and your
00:55:19.080
own mental health is obviously important because that's just going to show up in the marriage. So
00:55:25.080
I know that's kind of a vague statement, but I think when I first got married and I was young,
00:55:30.080
but when I first got married, I think the key thing that I felt is, is my perception of,
00:55:38.580
of what was a good marriage and a bad marriage. Like I, I remember the first time we got in an
00:55:46.860
argument and it was heated. I, I literally honestly thought, oh my gosh, I married the wrong person
00:55:53.080
because I, one never thought, I thought, oh, of a good marriage, you never argue.
00:56:00.640
So then I, I was making the relationship wrong. I had this wrong expectation on, on what it took.
00:56:09.580
And I, whenever, like we, whenever I go to a wedding and it's like a young couple getting married,
00:56:15.280
usually the card, what I write in the card is this will be the most difficult thing you will ever do.
00:56:24.060
And it's okay. And I wasn't, I didn't have that mindset. And I remember once I heated argument.
00:56:31.920
I called my brother, dude, blah, blah, blah. I'm just ranting. And he, and he starts laughing,
00:56:37.200
just laughs. Oh my, he's just laughing on the call. And I'm like, what? And he's like,
00:56:41.220
what going to be married, dude? Yeah. Deal with it. This is part of your growth. This is,
00:56:48.020
this is part of you guys growing together. It's fine. But I think far too often we, we have this
00:56:55.140
picture perfect of how it's going to be. And it's like, no, life's tough. Marriage is tough.
00:57:00.500
The question is don't give up. Right. And constantly focus on improving. I'm not saying
00:57:05.260
that like shitty marriages are okay. Try to make it better, but realize also that it takes time and
00:57:10.800
you're dealing with humans and we're dealing with stories and all these things. And it's,
00:57:14.540
and it's okay when it gets rough sometimes. Yeah. Well, you're also dealing with somebody else's
00:57:20.580
past and they are probably going to treat you in a lot of the same ways as a response to past
00:57:27.440
relationships, past experiences. And so they're looking at it through a filter or through a lens.
00:57:33.160
Not even be aware of. Yeah. Of their past, which is in some ways healthy, in some ways unhealthy.
00:57:38.900
And now it's, you're, you're included in that now. And so I think, but I also think that represents a
00:57:46.660
really cool and powerful opportunity to, this might sound strange, but to let somebody else experience
00:57:54.320
a better way, like a healthy person, you know? Yeah, totally. And also to let somebody else be
00:58:03.100
that for you. Cause you might have, you do, you have your own baggage. You have your own
00:58:07.180
things that you're looking at negatively. And sometimes you put that on her when it has nothing
00:58:11.360
to do with her, but let her show you that that was an isolated experience. And there's a better way
00:58:17.800
to have a relationship with her who, who is healthy in a lot of ways. Yeah. I have to add one more
00:58:22.840
thing. One more critical thing. There's a difference of parenting between moms and dads
00:58:29.460
and they don't have to be the same and celebrate. It shouldn't be the same. Yeah. Celebrate the
00:58:35.140
differences. I had that wrong for so long and we had buttheads. Oh no, no, we have to be, we have
00:58:40.240
to do it. And it's like, no, I'm the dad. You're the mom. We approach this slightly differently and
00:58:45.060
it's perfect and it's great and we should celebrate it. So realize that as well. I think both are a
00:58:50.280
requirement for a healthy functioning child, you know, but I think everyone gets that wrong.
00:58:56.120
Don't you think? I think, I think a lot of people think they should be the same.
00:58:59.340
Yeah. I think just generally speaking, dad tends to be more of the authoritative disciplinary
00:59:04.400
structure and mom tends to be more of the kind, empathetic, supporting nurturer generally.
00:59:10.400
Yeah. If that's all a child has the nurturing and the support, like they're never going to be
00:59:15.880
introduced to hardship and they're never going to have to go out and do things on their own.
00:59:19.200
If however, there it's only disciplinary and it's just rigid and not flexible and not kind,
00:59:25.860
not empathetic, not supportive in any way. It's just like, do this, be the best. And they're not
00:59:29.960
getting that other successful and lonely or, or there'll be a train wreck because they buck authority
00:59:36.300
at every opportunity they possibly can because they hate you. So both are necessary. All right.
00:59:42.940
Do we have one more question or anything? Yep. We do. We do. One more question.
00:59:45.860
One more. Trevor Burrell. What is the most valuable lesson you've learned in 2023?
00:59:54.760
Yeah. I should have read these questions earlier. What did you say? I'm sorry.
00:59:58.260
I said 2023 was a hell of a year for me. Yeah. It's actually really hard beginning of the year,
01:00:04.520
really, really productive end of the year. And what I mean product, I'm personally productive,
01:00:10.720
not like from a business standpoint, but like personally. So my greatest lesson was,
01:00:15.700
and it's not like a specific scenario, but our ability as men to adapt and evolve, I think might
01:00:23.600
be the single greatest skill set that we can develop. And there's a thousand things that we
01:00:30.380
talk about, but I honestly believe our ability, I'm just, I'm thinking about this, like our ability
01:00:35.120
to adapt and evolve is more important than anything else. And I mean that, like if you fail
01:00:41.480
in any way, your ability to recognize failure and get better is huge. If you're presented with some
01:00:47.720
sort of external circumstance beyond your control, your ability to evolve and overcome it is huge.
01:00:54.540
I don't know that there's a greater skill set than that. And, you know, as I say that,
01:00:58.640
I know people are going to say, well, you know, it's relationship with God.
01:01:01.380
I think your relationship with God will help you to evolve and overcome, you know,
01:01:08.420
because you're going to have to be humble and you're going to have to follow a set of rules and
01:01:14.280
moral principles. So I think that's my greatest lesson is, am I a man who can adapt and evolve
01:01:22.660
as quickly to circumstances and stimulus as I possibly can? And every time I adapt and evolve,
01:01:29.120
life gets better. Every time I bury my feet in the sand and get hard headed and tell the world and
01:01:34.840
everybody else, it's their problem, not mine. My life gets worse.
01:01:38.040
Man, kind of when it's still yours. I mean, relationships have been more and more,
01:01:44.780
I realize, especially from a leadership perspective, that leadership effectiveness is based upon
01:01:52.320
relationship, period. And people that we serve need to know that it's not, you know, me propping
01:02:00.280
myself up. It's actually rooted in me wanting them to win, right? And me serving them. And so
01:02:05.360
that's been a critical thing for me. But man, like, as you talked about adaptability,
01:02:11.980
that's been huge for me too. Because I've reached scenarios where I'm,
01:02:16.340
luckily I'm humbling myself enough to go, okay, hold on. Is this a kit plan? Am I so locked into
01:02:24.640
this because I'm protecting my ego here? And if it's not, then I got to be able to go, all right,
01:02:31.440
that was a pivot. Let's adjust. Maybe there's another approach and whatever. And I think our
01:02:37.480
lack of ability to adapt is really rooted in our ego because this is the way it should be. And we're
01:02:44.300
unwilling to go, maybe I'm wrong. You know, I think I mentioned this to you in another conversation,
01:02:50.820
but I did like echelon fronts, like Jocko's muster earlier this year. And one of the greatest thing
01:02:57.020
coming out of that was everything is just a guess, just a guess. You can strategize all you want,
01:03:04.480
but it's still just a really good guess. And we need to see it that way. Otherwise we won't adapt.
01:03:10.460
We won't adjust because it's like, well, it's a Michler plan. This is the plan, right? And we tie
01:03:16.520
our identity to it so much that we don't want to pivot and adjust. And I think that's been powerful
01:03:22.600
for me to go, maybe to have some passion and an opinion about it with the idea at the same time of,
01:03:30.060
I think, yeah, I feel really good about this, but I might be wrong and I'm going to be willing to
01:03:39.280
adjust if it's not the right approach. And that's been kind of hard to do to the balance of those
01:03:45.340
two things. Yeah. I was in yesterday in Zion national park and I was listening to, as you take
01:03:53.340
the shuttle through the Canyon, I was listening to the recording and it talked about how the Canyon
01:03:59.880
was formed and it's formed through water erosion and it literally water cut through thousands of feet
01:04:07.020
of rock and set it, you know, sediment and everything else to form this Canyon and the water,
01:04:12.700
the Virgin river is still flowing through there. Um, they said that every once in a while, uh, a rock
01:04:19.880
slide or an obstruction will change the river. It will change the path of the river. And it happened,
01:04:26.520
I think as early as the, I believe they said the mid nineties or as late as the mid nineties where
01:04:32.540
there was a huge rock slide and people got stuck up at the lodge for several days because the river
01:04:37.780
washed out the road and it's an entirely new path than it was prior to that event. This is how I look
01:04:44.060
at it. Things are going to happen. That water is still going to flow. It's just going to find a new
01:04:51.080
path. It's not deterred. It might be backed up for a little bit until it backs up and pours around,
01:04:55.800
or it finds a new route, but it will always find a new route. There's a great Latin quote, and I won't
01:05:01.100
say it in Latin, but one of my favorite quotes is I will either find a way or make one. I'll either
01:05:07.240
find a way or make one. And that has resonated with me. Yeah. That's a good, that's a good 2023 mantra.
01:05:14.180
I like it. I like it. 2023 or well, well, to wrap up the year. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe we
01:05:21.680
carried in at 24. All right, Kip, bring us home, man. Yeah. So the key thing called action, iron
01:05:28.260
council closes this coming Sunday to join us. If you've been on the fence, join us order of man.com
01:05:35.980
slash iron council, our preview night, Thursday, 8 PM Eastern time. If you're not quite sure what
01:05:44.360
this is all about, you want to get some insights, join us on that live broadcast Thursday, 8 PM
01:05:52.060
Eastern, and we'll tell you all about it. The iron council.com slash preview. Remember I'm not
01:05:59.040
creative. I'm very pragmatic. So if you want something, it's pretty easy to find the iron
01:06:04.180
slash preview. Yeah. Excellent. Excellent. And as always, you can connect with Mr. Mickler on
01:06:10.260
Instagram and X at Ryan Mickler. And if you haven't joined us on Facebook, feel free to join us there
01:06:16.240
as well. That's facebook.com slash group slash order of man. Cool. Thanks Kip. Great questions
01:06:21.160
today from our iron council members. Appreciate you guys asking those questions. And I hope that Kip and
01:06:25.300
I gave you some answers to consider ponder and to implement. So we'll be back on Friday until then go out
01:06:30.980
there, take action and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man
01:06:36.020
podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
01:06:41.060
We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.