Order of Man - Properly Evaluate Your Capabilities, Manage Your Energy Effectively, and Overcome an Alcohol Addiction ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.420 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.200 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.780 you can call yourself a man. Kip, Happy New Year, brother. Great to see you.

00:00:26.880 This is a great way to start out the year. It's January 2nd, so let's get after it.

00:00:31.560 Dude, I love it. I love it. Might as well bring it up really quick. Enrollment is open in the Iron

00:00:38.480 Council. To join us, go to orderofman.com slash Iron Council. It's going to be open this week,

00:00:44.600 and then we're closing the doors until next quarter. Yeah, it closes on the 7th, so that's

00:00:50.800 Sunday. We'll close it up. Also, if you've been on the fence about our Brotherhood, the Iron Council,

00:00:56.120 then on January 4th, so that's Thursday, at 8 p.m. Eastern, we're doing a preview. Kip,

00:01:02.760 you're going to talk about culture. We've got Alan Placer. He's going to talk about mindset and some

00:01:07.380 other calls that he does in the Iron Council. We've got Wayne McPherson. He's going to talk about

00:01:12.440 battle teams, what specifically a team looks like. Then Lex, a lot of guys know and love Lex. He's been

00:01:20.100 around for a long time. He's going to be talking about systems and structures. It's going to be a

00:01:27.180 really good overview of what the Iron Council is. Whether you decide to join or not, I think it's

00:01:32.060 going to give you some insight into what a man needs to thrive as he rolls into 2024. That's January 4th,

00:01:39.780 this Thursday at 8 p.m. Eastern. The link is theironcouncil.com slash preview. Theironcouncil.com

00:01:48.940 slash preview, 8 p.m. Eastern, Thursday the 4th. Perfect. That'll be fun. It'll be a great call.

00:01:55.140 I'm looking forward to it. It's always good. All right, man. We got questions today from the Iron

00:01:59.040 Council. We'll just go ahead and jump right into those. John McDermott, he says,

00:02:05.040 how about dealing with critics and people that aren't supportive of your goals and dreams,

00:02:10.180 even if they are family members? How do we deal with these critics?

00:02:15.280 So whenever I hear, and we've been doing this quite a bit now, we've been going at it for a

00:02:20.720 while, almost nine years. You got some reps in. Yeah. Yeah. And whenever I hear, how do I deal with,

00:02:28.380 fill in the blank, the answer is usually it's best not to. It's really best not to. You don't owe

00:02:34.660 anyone an explanation. You don't owe anybody any sort of loyalty. They don't frankly owe you really

00:02:42.040 anything. Now that said, I know there's a caveat. You might have your wife, for example, who, yeah,

00:02:48.300 it's probably a good idea to explain what you're doing to her. So you guys are on the same page.

00:02:52.320 That's a team member, but there's no reason for you to have to over-explain yourself or convince

00:02:59.780 somebody or, or, or try to get them onto your side. If you have critics, just let your work do

00:03:05.460 the speaking. When I started order of man, look, I'm not going to, I'm not going to pretend I was a

00:03:10.400 victim and all people hated what I was doing and they didn't get it and didn't understand. I had a

00:03:14.260 few people, but the overwhelming response was one of indifference. It was like, Oh, that sounds cool.

00:03:20.160 Whatever. It wasn't negative. It wasn't positive. It was just indifference. People were doing their

00:03:24.740 own thing and they weren't excited about what I was. And of course that makes sense. But over the

00:03:29.140 years, they see the growth, they see the progress, they see the success that we've enjoyed and

00:03:34.080 experienced and frankly created. And now they're allies. Now they're advocates. Now they're

00:03:38.940 champions of the cause. They believe in what we're doing because we proved that what we were doing

00:03:43.760 was a worthwhile endeavor. And if you look around in podcasting, on social media, how many men's

00:03:50.720 movements do you see? I'm not going to take all the credit for that, but what we've created here

00:03:55.700 should there's some credit deserved because of what we've created. And that's great. I love that.

00:04:02.380 I've been talking about the importance of having other men's spaces for years and years.

00:04:07.880 But it only took place because people saw that we blazed a trail that wasn't there before.

00:04:14.520 And so it opened up avenues and veins and resources and opportunities that didn't exist before we got

00:04:20.460 into the game nine years ago. So again, the bottom line, you don't have to convince anybody. You

00:04:26.220 don't have to sell anybody. Just let your work do the speaking. And if people don't get it,

00:04:31.720 so what? That's fine. If they're family members, in the spirit of the way the question was asked,

00:04:38.280 if they're family members, and I'm not even talking about your folks or your siblings or aunts or uncles,

00:04:43.400 I'm talking about your wife and kids, then I would lead with asking questions because maybe they have

00:04:50.420 some valid concerns that you can address and you can help alleviate those concerns through

00:04:55.160 healthy dialogue. But outside of that, you don't owe anything to anybody.

00:05:00.280 Yeah. How do those questions look in that example, Ryan? So, I mean, if you're getting on the path,

00:05:05.540 you have some aspirations, some goals that you want to get after,

00:05:08.840 and your wife is pushing back and is not very supportive, what does that specifically look like

00:05:16.060 perhaps? I think the best thing you can do is tackle it by saying, hey, hon, I know you have

00:05:21.340 some concerns or skepticism about what I'm doing. Can we sit down and talk about a few things tonight?

00:05:28.680 And let her prepare for what you want to talk about. Don't just say, hey, can we talk tonight?

00:05:33.360 That could be scary. Usually that's a scary conversation. That's bad news. But if you say,

00:05:40.160 hey, I know you have some reservations and apprehension about this new project or this

00:05:45.100 new thing that I'm working on. Do you think you and I could carve out some time maybe for a half

00:05:49.220 hour after kids go to bed and talk specifically about that? So what you're doing there is you're

00:05:54.220 honoring her feelings. You're giving her a little bit of a heads up as to what you want to talk about.

00:06:00.240 So you're not leaving her in the dark and you're giving her plenty of time to think about what she

00:06:06.020 might want to address with you. So I think that's a very respectful way to bring it up. And then when

00:06:10.740 you have that conversation, I just head on. Hey, hon, I've told you about this. I'm very excited about

00:06:16.700 it. I think you're excited too. And I know how supportive you are, but I also understand that

00:06:20.780 maybe you have some concerns. Money is obviously a concern. My time, am I going to be giving you and the

00:06:28.140 kids enough attention? How's this going to impact my current work? There's a lot of questions that

00:06:34.000 you might have about that. I would love to talk about those things. Would you mind sharing with me

00:06:39.140 what your fears are? Man, I think. And here's the other thing too. If you can have that question or

00:06:46.280 excuse me, that conversation in a healthier way, if all of your other conversations leading up to this

00:06:52.240 one are healthy. And if they aren't, well, here's a great time to do it. Because what I've noticed

00:06:57.380 about myself in the past is that my response has been volatile. So somebody might come to me and say,

00:07:04.580 you know, maybe my ex-wife or my children might come to me with something and share something with

00:07:10.120 me. And it's 50-50, whether I respond positively or negatively. And if that volatility is present,

00:07:16.440 they're not going to do it. They're just not going to come talk to you. So whatever the response is,

00:07:23.520 whatever her fears are, be very careful of A, being volatile, and then B, dismissing them.

00:07:32.220 So if she says, I'm worried about money, say, oh, that's, you don't need to worry about that.

00:07:36.520 That's dismissive of her concern. She does need to worry about that. So you can say, I understand.

00:07:43.260 I'm actually worried about the finances too. Can I share with you some ways that I think we can hedge

00:07:48.420 against that fear? Number one, we've built up a great nest egg. Number two, I have residual income

00:07:55.340 coming in from work. So even if I don't bring in as many new clients because I'm focused on this other

00:08:00.040 venture, we still have income coming in. Number three, you and I have done a tremendous job paying

00:08:06.360 off debt. And so we don't, outside of the house payment, we don't have any other debt that we need to

00:08:11.540 worry about. So I definitely feel those concerns, but here's my plan for making income to replace

00:08:18.580 what we might lose. That might just be an example. So you don't ever dismiss what somebody's feeling

00:08:23.300 like, oh, don't worry about that. No, she is worried about that. So acknowledge it and then

00:08:28.680 share with her ways that you might hedge against what her fear might be.

00:08:32.280 Yeah. The only thing I can't help but realize, you know, you're kind of alluding to it. People

00:08:37.520 communicate with us based upon their experience with us, right? And so if I've run my mouth so

00:08:43.420 many times, oh, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this. And I've constantly failed to stay in

00:08:48.080 integrity and honor my word. And this is yet another shiny object for Kip to go after.

00:08:54.860 Don't be surprised if we're not getting the support, you know? And so there's some value in,

00:09:00.400 and I'm not saying like, just give up in the world because of our past experiences,

00:09:03.940 but maybe approach the conversation from a humility perspective of, hey, people interact

00:09:09.020 with us for a reason, right? Maybe my kids are hesitant to tell me why, because last time they

00:09:14.820 gave me advice, you know, I shamed them for it and I attacked them for it and I was aggressive or

00:09:21.440 whatever. So just kind of go into it realizing that, you know, there's an element that we play

00:09:27.140 in how people interact with us. And we may not be getting the support that we need because in the

00:09:34.000 past we haven't honored that support. And so that's part of your strategy is like, how do I

00:09:40.720 address that? And what am I going to do this time that I didn't do last time, right? Which is

00:09:45.200 obviously just valuable in itself. Well, one thing on that same note that I've thought about is that

00:09:51.000 I've damaged relationships just like we all have. Like we've all damaged relationships. We've all

00:09:56.240 burned bridges. Some of them are, is irreparable. I mean, can't even say that word. Irreplicable

00:10:02.940 damage. Is that right? That sounds weird, but you get it. It's damaged beyond repair. I'll say it that

00:10:08.340 way. Yeah, there you go. I'm not very smart. I'm more of a simple guy. So damage beyond repair.

00:10:14.120 Parowan high school. That's right. Not much better than South Severe. So we'll just throw that out.

00:10:20.820 Monroe, even worse. It wasn't even South Severe. It was, you guys had to go from Monroe to South

00:10:29.360 Severe. I didn't even go to school. But the way I look at it is imagine that you injure your shoulder

00:10:39.020 and you're, you're out for a period of time. Well, you might have to have some surgery. And so you get

00:10:46.260 surgery done on your shoulder and then you let it heal. And then you go to physical therapy, to rehab,

00:10:52.960 to, to, to do the work on it. And you're not out there like bench pressing, you know, three plates

00:10:58.060 like you might've been before, but you're getting some bands. Maybe you're just working on range of

00:11:03.720 motion. Then you move into band work. Then you move into light dumbbells and then gradually increases.

00:11:08.220 And over time, you're able to get back to where you were hopefully, and maybe even better

00:11:13.040 relationships. I think are very much the same way. We've all done damage to relationships and

00:11:18.700 every engagement, every conversation, every time that you have an opportunity to converse with

00:11:25.740 a person like that, it's an opportunity for rehab where you're actually rehabbing the relationship.

00:11:32.560 You may have showed up very poorly in the past as all of us have. You may have said things,

00:11:37.880 you may have done things, you may not have honored your word, you may have lied, you may have

00:11:41.840 undermined your trust. But this opportunity is an opportunity for you just to put a little,

00:11:48.000 a little deposit in the bank account to mix analogies. And you do that enough, you're rehabbing

00:11:57.080 the relationship. And over time you begin to develop and build that trust, but you don't go

00:12:00.860 from injured shoulder to benching three 15. You go from injured shoulder to range of motion,

00:12:08.040 to bands, to light wakes, back up. Same thing with relationships. If you undermined a trust

00:12:12.160 because you're volatile, you don't go all of a sudden, why don't they trust me anymore? What

00:12:15.440 the hell? Okay. That's a deposit or seen that's a withdrawal. So you were mad or you're upset that 0.99

00:12:21.900 you don't have trust in a relationship. And rather than working to build it up, you got pissed off

00:12:26.660 and you undermined it even more of that trust. Yeah. Yeah. You went to go benched three 50 with

00:12:32.920 the broken shoulder and destroyed it even more. Yeah. Or hurt your other one now. Right? So

00:12:37.560 yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. All right. Brian Grogan, how do you deal navigate? How do you deal or

00:12:46.120 navigate with a family member who needs to move out of your house, but is scared, worried deeply about

00:12:53.200 the future? So scared that they resist sometimes violently aggressive. If it's violent and aggressive,

00:13:00.820 two things come to mind. Number one, maybe this is mental illness. I don't know. I'm just, 0.67

00:13:05.720 if it's violent and aggressive because of it, there's some mental issues going on.

00:13:12.320 That might be an issue or, and also now you're in a dangerous situation and it needs to happen even

00:13:17.740 more. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you don't want that around either. Right. Because it's dangerous for you

00:13:22.880 and whoever else you might have in the house, including that person. Yeah. So this needs to

00:13:27.660 happen sooner rather than later. The problem with, I think, and I'm making some assumptions,

00:13:32.160 I'm feeling in the gaps here. I'm like, is this a kid? Is this an in-law? Is this another adult?

00:13:38.180 If it's a child, I think that's a little bit more sensitive than it might be, you know, a brother

00:13:42.220 or your parents or something. Right. Even parents would be hard. But when I, the assumption that I was

00:13:48.900 making is that there's a pattern of behavior for a extended period of time that you've enabled this

00:13:54.860 individual. And what happens, it's a lot like, let's say I go outside and I see a bald eagle

00:14:04.200 injured. Its wing is broken. It's injured. It's laying in the field. And I pick up that bald eagle

00:14:09.100 and I bring it in and I nurse it and I feed it and I coddle it and I bandage its wing. And I do

00:14:15.820 everything that I can to, uh, you know, get this bald eagle back to a hundred percent health

00:14:22.440 over time. I go and release that thing into the wild. It's going to die. It's not going to

00:14:27.200 look for food. It's going to get attacked by other predators. Like it's just going to die

00:14:31.420 because I hamstringed it. And you see that a lot of animals are net that are rescued,

00:14:36.980 never are released back into the wild because they're incapable of dealing with it. So we might

00:14:42.580 be having this situation here where it's all of a sudden, what are you going to do? You're going

00:14:46.260 to kick that person out. They don't have a job. They don't have any skills. They don't have any

00:14:50.320 money and they have no resources. That seems a little harsh in certain circumstances. Maybe that

00:14:56.720 is what needs to take place. But what I might suggest again, a lot of assumptions here.

00:15:02.140 What I might suggest is stop enabling them in small manageable ways and work up to the place

00:15:09.580 where it's now I'm going to kick you out of the nest. So that might mean, hey, you're going to

00:15:14.940 start paying me $200 a month for rent. Or, hey, you're going to start, if you're going to live here,

00:15:22.540 here's some rules that are in place and you're going to abide by these rules, including help

00:15:27.140 straighten the house, clean the house, contribute to food and cooking. You're going to contribute.

00:15:34.060 You're also, over the next three months, going to find yourself gainful employment. You can stay

00:15:39.920 here, but you are in the next month or two going to find gainful employment. And if you're doing that

00:15:46.240 and I see that progress, then good. You can stay here for a little bit longer until you're able to

00:15:51.720 get on it on your own. But what I'm saying is you introduce opportunities for them to gain some

00:15:57.480 sovereignty and independence in manageable ways without just completely kicking this person to the

00:16:03.600 curb, which it's a family member. You don't want to do that. And frankly, it probably is not even

00:16:09.260 healthy or productive for that individual who you've coddled for however many years you have.

00:16:14.860 Yeah. Love it, man.

00:16:16.780 Would you add anything to that?

00:16:18.560 No, not really. I mean, I think that's the, I mean, address the scary and worried,

00:16:22.400 right? And you address that by giving them reps, right? It's like, hey, dude, you're paying rent.

00:16:27.420 You're pulling your weight a little bit. Now it's cheaper rent than normal.

00:16:30.520 Now that's the next step. But certainly don't delay it, right? Like, and I think there's a lot

00:16:37.240 of opportunity that we could create those opportunities for them to own their situation

00:16:43.500 and empower them, but tackle them. Like we have a tendency sometimes, like, especially with like

00:16:50.800 college age kids, I think it's like, oh, well, once you get college, then all of a sudden,

00:16:55.940 like some switch happens and they become responsible. And it's like, no, start that now,

00:17:00.620 right? Like start whatever that is now. They don't need to graduate to be able to figure some

00:17:05.240 of this stuff out and they need the reps. Like there's just life. You don't learn from life

00:17:09.640 until you let life start happening. So.

00:17:12.840 Yeah. I mean, it's, don't delay it.

00:17:15.940 Right. And like, I mean, I think we're being a dead horse now, so I won't really get into much

00:17:20.360 more detail, but yeah, well, there's only one other thing I would say is you just have to have

00:17:25.140 some sort of boundaries in place. So Kip, if you're, if you're with me and you're staying at my place,

00:17:29.860 just as a little role play here. And I tell you, Hey Kip, you know, rent is $300 a month. You're

00:17:35.320 going to have to start paying that. And if you don't pay that, you have a 30 day window to pay that.

00:17:40.880 And if you don't pay it, then you're going to have to find your own place within the next 30 days.

00:17:46.780 Yeah. Really clear on the expectations and the results of those not being met. Yeah.

00:17:51.520 And I would also say to you, if, again, if this was the scenario, I'd say, Hey Kip,

00:17:55.680 you know, you need to start paying rent. I want you to contribute here. There's costs associated with

00:18:00.860 having you here, utilities and food bill and everything. So I need you to start paying rent.

00:18:05.680 It's also in your best interest to learn how to manage all of this stuff. So you can go out and do

00:18:09.880 this on your own, but let's talk about some of the ramifications. If you don't, what,

00:18:15.020 what do you think should be the ramification? If you fail to pay me rent in a timely manner?

00:18:21.480 Yeah, totally. And then that way I'm bought into it. I'm the one that suggested it. Yeah.

00:18:27.280 It's great. Cool. All right. Rob Thompson, give the IC as a whole and after action review

00:18:34.280 over the last eight years or nine, he says, has iron council fulfilled the vision you set out with?

00:18:41.280 Where is it crushing it? What would you like to see it do better? And what does 2024 look like for

00:18:46.520 the iron council coming down the pipeline? Yeah. So, and I'll start at the beginning. I won't,

00:18:52.560 I won't drone on and on about it. I'll do the quick, you know, 30,000 foot view AAR. But when we

00:18:57.360 started the iron council, it was almost nine years ago, actually probably about eight. Cause we started a

00:19:02.440 little bit after the order of man movement. And we, we originally had 12 members and we still have

00:19:09.240 one of, one of our very first member, Mark Kablosky is still in the iron council. So he's been with us

00:19:14.940 for almost a decade now, which is so wild to think about. Cause I remember the email I sent him.

00:19:19.200 In fact, I still have a screenshot of the email I sent him. Uh, and so that was 12 guys. And then

00:19:25.580 we got about 10 weeks, nine, 10 weeks into a 12 week course. And the guys were asking for more.

00:19:30.440 So we opened it up after that first round and we grew to about a hundred fairly quickly. And now

00:19:35.540 we're over a thousand guys in the iron council and you know, men come and go, we've introduced a lot

00:19:41.800 of systems and structure based on drawing pains. For example, we lost a lot of the intimacy with the

00:19:49.040 iron council. And this is the problem with a lot of men's movements. They're built around a central

00:19:53.380 figurehead and that person becomes the idol, the God, right? We all worship this individual.

00:19:59.820 We've never done that. We all want the call with that guy. Yeah. And, and I think one thing,

00:20:06.480 if I'm tooting my own horn here a little bit that I did very well is realize this wasn't about me.

00:20:12.240 And so I created systems that allowed the connections and the accountability to take place

00:20:19.100 without me having to be the central figurehead. That's helpful for me. Cause I have other things

00:20:24.500 like family and personal goals and relationships that I'm working on. So I can do those things.

00:20:29.900 And it's also helpful for the guys because I'm not the bottleneck. I don't want to be the bottleneck

00:20:34.340 to their growth. So there's men like you and there's men like Lex and Alan and Jay and Chris and Drew

00:20:40.960 and Reese. I could go on and on with the men who help us, but we've enabled them to, I shouldn't say

00:20:48.980 enabled. We've empowered them to step into their own, uh, talents and skillsets and then contribute,

00:20:58.420 which allows there to be less of a bottleneck. So there's a lot of growth. This is why battle teams,

00:21:02.820 for example, started, uh, this last year, last year, 2023, I'm going to have to wrap my head around

00:21:08.480 that one. Uh, we started releasing a couple of courses. We got a lot more strategic on not only

00:21:15.940 battle team leaders, but having battle team leader mentors. These are guys who have proven themselves

00:21:21.020 capable of managing, building, inspiring teams are now helping three to five teams each do the same.

00:21:28.300 Um, and then as far as moving into the new year, you're going to see a lot more courses come online.

00:21:34.600 You personally wrote a leadership development program that we're going to continue to flesh

00:21:40.240 out and grow and make more robust through videos, through Q and A's through other, other plans that

00:21:47.280 we have that we don't necessarily need to get into details with right now. Uh, and then we're going to

00:21:51.520 continue that structured environment that isn't again, built around a central figurehead that all

00:21:56.860 the members are supposed to worship. If anything, it's not honor that individual in this case, me,

00:22:02.740 it's honor, the process, honor, the system, honor, the mission. And, and if us, we, as leadership do

00:22:09.960 that, look, we've had to have, we've, I've had to ask team leaders to step down because the mission

00:22:15.900 comes first. It's not the individual. If it was the individual, I could probably baby or coddle that

00:22:22.120 person. Who's not doing a good job, but that would be a disservice to all the other people who I've

00:22:27.980 promised and made a commitment to. So the mission comes first and then the people support the mission

00:22:33.820 and we give them the resources to do that, but you're going to see a lot more structure, um, and

00:22:38.420 resources around the system, the process of personal development. Yeah, dude, it's been awesome.

00:22:46.780 It's been such a fun journey. You know, one thing that you mentioned a couple of times,

00:22:50.560 and I know this isn't necessarily where I'm going off a tangent off Rob's question, but I,

00:22:54.720 I want to ask you about this because this has been a breakthrough and I wanted to get

00:22:59.900 your feedback on, on this breakthrough that I've had. But so often I've looked at decentralized

00:23:05.100 command as, um, it's a, it's a scaling, right? And I just stopped there. I'm like, oh, well,

00:23:10.860 this is how you scale, right? And you, you would break things out. So then that way, as we get larger,

00:23:16.400 Ryan's not managing, you know, the accountability of, you know, 1500 guys, right? Like that's just not

00:23:23.780 feasible. No, that the thing that has been really present to me of late is it's also not how we

00:23:32.480 influence people, right? Like part of the decentralized command is that we have team leads

00:23:40.320 running a team of, you know, roughly 15 guys. Why 15? Because at that level, that battle team leader

00:23:49.000 and his XO can positively influence those individuals because they're in a position of

00:23:55.560 influence. There's a big difference between a figurehead preaching at the pulpit, right? And

00:24:04.020 giving ideas versus someone that has an established relationship with the individuals that they're

00:24:09.860 leading. And thus they're the person that is in the best position to influence and hold them

00:24:15.500 accountable. So it's not just scale, but it's effectiveness and quality. And it's somewhat

00:24:21.740 naive, I think for organizations to assume that Ryan is in a position of influence necessarily a guy on a

00:24:31.280 battle team somewhere. I need to know what's going on in his life. I established relationship. I

00:24:37.220 understand what's going on. Like I'm now the person of influence for him. Ryan may not know the backstory

00:24:42.660 and all these other things. And so in a large scaled organization, he's not really in a position

00:24:47.740 to provide as much quality services to the individual team member as the battle team leader

00:24:53.380 would be. Yeah. I mean, spot on. I think if you want to look at the efficacy of not just a movement

00:24:59.960 or an organization, but an individual, don't look at how many followers they have. That to me isn't,

00:25:07.700 they might have a good message. They might have something that resonates. Sure. And it could even

00:25:13.640 be positive, but I don't think that's necessarily effective. What I'd rather know about an individual

00:25:20.160 is how many more leaders they're producing. So if a guy needs me, for example, to operate and

00:25:27.740 function correctly in his life, that's a failure on my part as a leader. It feels good. Strokes my ego.

00:25:34.140 And that's what a lot of these guys will do. You'll see them. They'll just run their mouths,

00:25:37.860 flap their gums, talk about great. They're wonderful. Follow me. Do what I do. That's

00:25:42.800 not what I'm interested in. I want a man who listens to what we're doing, whether it's something

00:25:47.920 you say, or I say, or any number of podcast guests that we have on and they take it, they internalize

00:25:53.480 it. It becomes infused into their DNA. And now they're leading their families. Now they're leading in

00:26:00.380 their communities. Now they're stepping up in their businesses. Now they're serving their clients

00:26:04.240 and they're leading effectively, not just following me around helplessly or blindly. I don't want that.

00:26:13.400 And you'll see a lot of people do that. And it's unfortunate because it doesn't serve people in the

00:26:17.120 long run. And the other thing I wrote down here is this isn't like the despicable me movement where I

00:26:21.880 have a bunch of minions who just cling on to every word I say. That would be pathetic because it serves 0.86

00:26:28.460 me, but it doesn't serve anybody else. And we're here to serve other men so they can go out and do 0.92

00:26:34.680 the same thing on their own outside of our help and influence. In a self-directed manner, not a,

00:26:40.400 oh, I got to get run this by Ryan for me to be able to make decisions. Right. Yeah. Good call.

00:26:46.860 Jason Clark, we all have certain level of capacity to accomplish tasks. How do you evaluate,

00:26:52.960 strategize your goals and tasks in relation or in consideration of your capacity? Secondly,

00:26:59.240 how do you know when to push to increase your capacity and when to say no?

00:27:05.280 Interesting. I tend to be more of a, it is, it's a hard one for me to answer because

00:27:10.280 I tend to be more of an intuitive planner where I could look at, for example, I've got my,

00:27:17.820 you know, my battle plan here and I can write down everything that needs to get done for the day.

00:27:21.480 And intuitively I can say that needs to get done. Like that's the priority. And I don't actually

00:27:26.280 spend a lot of time strategizing like, oh, should I do this? Or should I do that? I'm like, nope,

00:27:30.880 that's pressing. That needs to get done. Or maybe it's not even pressing, but it's going to move the

00:27:35.120 needle the most. Well, is it Stephen Covey who talks about, um, four quadrants. Yeah. Important

00:27:43.040 and urgent. Right. So it's, let's think if we can get this right. So it's important and urgent.

00:27:47.940 It's important and not urgent. It's not important, but urgent and not important, not urgent.

00:27:55.960 Yep. I get that right. Yep. Totally. And if I remember correctly, he says to focus on the

00:28:01.500 important, but not urgent first. Is that accurate?

00:28:06.440 Well, no, I mean, from my, if I remember if it's important and urgent, those things,

00:28:12.380 those are five that actually do need to be addressed. Right. The things you want to stay

00:28:16.680 away from is urgent and not important and not urgent and not important. Right. Like, right.

00:28:22.160 Just get those off the table immediately, but try to scale and move into fire prevention,

00:28:28.600 right. Which is not urgent, but important. Yeah. So, uh, a practical application of that would be,

00:28:36.560 um, my task for this week. So one that is important and urgent is that we have our iron council

00:28:43.740 preview on Thursday. I need to find the correct way, the technology to ensure that it will also

00:28:50.760 broadcast in our Facebook group and on YouTube. That's important. And it's urgent because I it's

00:28:57.860 Thursday. Get out that black magic, man. Yeah. Right. I've got it right here. Yeah. Yeah. Cool.

00:29:06.060 Now something in my business that would be important, but not urgent is that I'm going to

00:29:11.940 be releasing dates for two events that we have this year. That's very important. It's not super

00:29:18.960 urgent because we've got a little bit of time. So, but it's important that the funnels are set up

00:29:23.160 correctly, that the wording, that the dates, that everything is where it needs to be. And then that way,

00:29:27.660 when I release it later this week, or maybe beginning of next week, it's fine. Like I've

00:29:33.880 already addressed it and it's no longer a fire because it's already done. So that would be a

00:29:37.520 practical application of Stephen Covey's four quadrant principles. Yeah. As far as capacity,

00:29:44.260 just ask yourself, did I, did I accomplish the task? Yeah. Did I get it done? And if you got it done,

00:29:50.860 then you were capable of doing it. And then ask yourself, could I have done it better?

00:29:54.400 Which the answer is always yes. Yeah. And in order to do it better, what new skills do you need

00:29:59.960 to do? So if you're going to do it again, and a lot of attack, a lot of times the tasks that we do

00:30:05.400 require us to improve and to continually do them, then ask yourself, what can I do to improve? And

00:30:11.740 what resources do I need? And what skillset do I need to develop? And that might be marketing,

00:30:16.780 for example, in a business that would be an important, but not urgent. So what you could do is you

00:30:22.380 could realize, Hey, I see that marketing is important. I see that if I do this, I could be

00:30:26.600 better. And so I'm going to purchase a course on internet marketing, email marketing, social media

00:30:33.740 marketing. And I'm going to take that over the next 30 days so that when I do this next month,

00:30:37.840 I'm more prepared to do it moving forward. The only, not the only other way, another way

00:30:43.160 that you can evaluate your performance is to ask a third party, what they, how they perceive your

00:30:51.080 performance because they're not as biased about your performance as you are. And if you have

00:30:55.640 somebody who's trusted and somebody who's honest, then they're going to give you crucial feedback

00:31:00.360 that would be impossible for you to see in any other way. So ask for that feedback from qualified

00:31:05.440 sources who are willing to be honest with you. And to our first question about how to deal with

00:31:11.740 critics or family members who might, or, you know, don't respond negatively.

00:31:17.780 If, if Kip, I say, Hey, Kip, can you give me some feedback on the way that I communicate a point

00:31:24.240 on or ask me any things? And you say, Ryan, you do a great job at this, but here's one thing is you

00:31:29.880 stumble over your words or you use this filler phrase quite a bit. And if I get all pissed off

00:31:35.120 and butthurt about you saying that, not only did I undermine the actual advice that could have helped

00:31:40.820 me, I just cut you off at the knees and you're never going to offer advice to me again.

00:31:46.360 So just say, even if you don't agree with it, I don't even have to agree with it.

00:31:50.320 And say, Kip, I appreciate the feedback. I will take that into consideration. I'm going to go back

00:31:55.380 and listen and see what I actually do because that is valuable feedback. I don't have to agree to say

00:32:00.200 that. So it's thank you. I appreciate you giving me that feedback. And I'm going to take that into

00:32:05.360 consideration as I try to improve. Yeah. And if you explain it, by the way, that's that feels the

00:32:10.780 same. So if I say you have this filler where you're like, oh, well, I do that because of blah, blah,

00:32:15.120 blah. It's like, okay, you're not listening. It's an excuse. So just sit with it. Yeah. Sit with it.

00:32:20.720 No defense. Don't be defensive. Just say thank you. Jason, one thing that that has been very present

00:32:26.520 for me probably over the last six months, mostly is energy management. That's my problem. It's not

00:32:34.220 capacity. It's not schedule. It's not how many hours. If anything, I almost feel like, man,

00:32:39.880 I could do more. I could do more. I have these little spots of time or whatever. So there's two

00:32:43.920 things that I have to keep in mind, the energy towards it and mostly the leftover energy for my

00:32:53.440 family, because I can have capacity to be with my kids. But if I'm doing it from the perspective of

00:33:00.640 angry and frustrated and I'm tired and all these other things, then I'm not going to do it well.

00:33:06.180 So just be mindful of energy management, if you want to use that term. And then the second part is

00:33:12.660 the price. What's the price that you're willing to pay? And I've said that probably one too many times,

00:33:18.300 but far too often we'll take on new things, right? Well, I'm going to do all these things.

00:33:22.760 What's the price and who's paying the price and is it worth it? And just make sure that you're clear

00:33:28.780 on the price that needs to be paid. I love it. So I wrote down a quick little

00:33:33.580 three questions that you can ask yourself on energy management.

00:33:38.080 Friday Field Notes coming right at you here.

00:33:40.200 That's right.

00:33:42.580 Get your notepad down, fellas. Here we go.

00:33:45.740 I work good in frameworks. So this is why I do this. So hopefully it serves other guys.

00:33:50.400 All right. So energy management. So when you're presented with something new,

00:33:54.120 like a new task, a new assignment, a new project, whatever. The first question is,

00:33:59.060 does this have to be done? That's the very first question. And there's two litmus tests that you can

00:34:07.640 measure that against. Number one, it's a priority or it's a preference. So for example, we're into the

00:34:12.740 new year, taxes, tax season is knocking on our doors. Does it have to get done? Yes.

00:34:20.000 That's not a preference. That's a priority. It has to be done. A preference might be our Thursday

00:34:27.440 call, right? Our Thursday Iron Council call. Does it have to be done? No, but it's a preference.

00:34:32.300 It's something that we think will benefit the men who join the call and end up banding with us in the

00:34:36.760 Iron Council. It's a preference. So the answer to that question, does it have to get done? Both of those,

00:34:41.920 yes. If it's no, then just clear it off your table. If it's not a priority or preference,

00:34:48.200 you're not obligated to do it. So if somebody calls me up and says, Hey Ryan, man, I need help

00:34:54.780 moving this weekend. Can you help me? And it's not a priority or a preference for me.

00:35:00.300 The answer is no. And then I can just forget about it. If you called me and said, would you help me

00:35:07.040 move? That would be a preference for me because I care about you and our relationship. Then I would

00:35:10.980 say yes. And I would work it into the schedule. Okay. The next question is, if it's a yes, it's a

00:35:17.120 preference or priority and it has to be done. The next question is, should I be the one to do it?

00:35:23.580 So with the technology for our Thursday call, I'm not super proficient in that, but Drew Kachurik is.

00:35:31.020 So I called Drew this morning. I left him a message. He called me back. Actually,

00:35:34.500 I just saw my phone ring. He called me back. I'll get back with him. And hopefully he'll be able to

00:35:38.920 help me with some answers and get that set up. So should I be the one to do it?

00:35:44.120 And if, yeah, if the answer is no, it needs to get done. I don't need to be the one to do it.

00:35:51.180 And I shouldn't be the one to do it. Then the third question is who should, and then you delegate

00:35:56.600 that to the right person who has the capacity, like Jason's talking about and the skillset and

00:36:02.940 is capable of fulfilling or meeting that responsibility. There you go. Brainwork.

00:36:09.780 Future Friday field notes. All right. I don't know. We said, I think we said it all right there.

00:36:16.200 What else is there to talk about? All right. Trevor Kapp, new to the iron council. And I've

00:36:21.520 asked this question in a couple of channels already, but I want to know what y'all think.

00:36:25.460 I'm trying to prep mentally for a court hearing that's holding my mother's daughter in contempt

00:36:31.840 of court for not following the court ordered parenting plan. How would you mentally prepare for

00:36:38.500 that? I'm not wanting to talk badly about her as a mother, but I know they are going to come after

00:36:43.980 me in full force and paint me as a bad father. Side note, there are no assault, abuse, or neglect

00:36:50.360 allegations. I left for a year to attend trade school to further my career.

00:36:56.000 He, you said his mother's daughter, but I'm wondering if he met his daughter's mother.

00:37:01.580 Holding my mother's daughter.

00:37:03.460 Cause his mother's daughter would be his sister.

00:37:07.500 Yeah. So, so maybe his daughter's mother. Okay. I just want to be clear. Like I'm just

00:37:13.040 wrapping my hair around. I bet you're right. I bet you're right.

00:37:15.300 Okay. So we'll just assume it's daughter's mother. So maybe your ex is what it sounds like to me.

00:37:19.960 And he doesn't want to throw her under the bus, but they're coming for him.

00:37:24.120 Yeah. I don't think just because they're going to be coming for you that you need to throw her under

00:37:28.940 the bus. I think you can be honest about the circumstances and that might not paint her

00:37:33.880 necessarily in a favorable light, but if you're honest, you're not throwing her under the bus.

00:37:38.320 Yeah. I look, I'm not an attorney. So my first advice would be ask your attorney that question.

00:37:45.300 Yeah.

00:37:46.060 Because they're going to tell you from a legal standpoint, from a mental standpoint,

00:37:50.040 they've done this, they do this. They're going to tell you and then listen to them.

00:37:53.720 Please. If they tell you to do something or not do something, I don't really care about your

00:37:58.740 feelings. I don't care about how you feel about her or what you're experiencing. Just do what they

00:38:04.060 tell you to do because they're experts. You hired that person for a reason. Let their advice work

00:38:09.380 for you by doing it. The only thing I would add that I think an attorney would probably cooperate on

00:38:14.460 this is just make sure you document everything. When I was going through my divorce, I went to AA

00:38:21.780 meetings and I started going to a therapist. I wrote down every meeting I attended, every therapy

00:38:28.180 session that I had. I took notes about what I did. Everything was well-documented. If I went to trade,

00:38:36.640 I didn't, but like you, if you went to trade school, why did you go to trade school? It's so you can put

00:38:41.860 yourself in a better financial situation so that you can get a home for your children where they're

00:38:47.200 going to feel good and comfortable and happy and fulfilled. So everything that she might throw at

00:38:54.640 you or the attorneys might throw at you, you need to anticipate what that might be and then have

00:38:59.740 documented evidence that proves the contrary. If they say you're an alcoholic and I don't think

00:39:06.120 you are, I don't know the situation, but I'm just using this as an example. If they say, well,

00:39:10.300 he's a raging alcoholic, but then you have seven months history of AA meetings, including detailed

00:39:17.500 notes, no arrests, no DUIs, that doesn't really hold any weight. So make sure everything is documented

00:39:23.960 that will prove the opposite of what they're going to try to smear you with. That's my two cents.

00:39:30.420 And make it stay, stay connected to the intent, right? And the intent is what? Your kids. So if it's,

00:39:38.020 if you're holding her content for messing up the parenting plan, instead of attacking her,

00:39:43.520 make it about you having appropriate time with your kids and you ensuring they have appropriate

00:39:49.620 time with their mother and what's best for their children. Constantly bring it back to what is best

00:39:55.800 for your kids and making sure that they're being supported and they have a structured system in place

00:40:01.660 so it helps them and will be beneficial to their mother and you throughout the process because you

00:40:08.860 know how you're dealing with things. Like the minute you start, I mean, I, maybe this is just

00:40:13.980 debate one-on-one, right? Stay away from attacking her and focus on the issue and how you can best

00:40:20.100 serve your kids. And that's going to come, that intent will be smelled. So if the intent is wrong and

00:40:26.640 you make it about attacking her, then you're just some bitter ex that's trying to smear her. 0.79

00:40:32.040 Don't just focus on, on making sure that your kids are getting the best situation possible

00:40:37.100 or a kid. We're assuming a bunch here. Yeah. I tend to, as you're saying this, think about,

00:40:45.500 you know, going into battle or even, even playing a competitive game, you know, pro, pro football game.

00:40:51.760 Like think about all the preparation that goes into being a soldier or being an athlete. And

00:40:57.960 I'm not comparing the two. I'm just using those two as examples. You know, they're, they're well

00:41:01.960 trained. They have a team of advisors and coaches and trainers and support. They, they always look

00:41:08.720 great. Like why do we wear uniforms? Well, we have to look the part, right? So what I would suggest to

00:41:14.200 you, and again, talk with your attorney on this, but I would really pour over my social media accounts

00:41:19.360 and ask myself, do I look like a douche bag or I do, do I look like a good father? Yeah. Cause trust

00:41:26.200 me, trust me. If you look like a tool, that's ammo against you. Yeah. Okay. When it comes to texting

00:41:35.060 your ex, look, you got to exchange texts or phone calls because you've got the kids just assume that's

00:41:42.860 all being documented. Assume maybe even it's being recorded, whether it's legal or not assume

00:41:49.360 screenshots of texts that you're sending. I promise you that's happening. So don't tee

00:41:55.420 yourself up for failure. Don't do dumb things. Don't say inappropriate things. Don't make yourself 0.89

00:42:03.560 look like a piece of garbage. If you're 50 pounds overweight, maybe you ought to get yourself in 1.00

00:42:10.420 shape. Like this week, lose a few pounds, go to the gym, get a haircut, clean up your beard,

00:42:18.100 like take care of yourself. Cause when you go to court and you look like a fat slob, 1.00

00:42:22.800 I'm not trying to be rude. And I'm not saying he even is. I'm just using this as an example. 0.99

00:42:27.100 So everybody knows that's going to say something about you. But if you show up well-dressed,

00:42:32.960 looking groomed, you're able to articulate your side. If you say anything at all,

00:42:37.800 because your attorneys might deal with it, that's going to be better than you looking like a fool 0.99

00:42:42.880 and not preparing for what you're about to step into. Absolutely. 0.99

00:42:47.240 Ryan, um got any tips for proposing to my girlfriend and steps to take following the

00:42:53.360 engagement and the proposal. I have a ring, save some money. And the idea, what I have planned to

00:42:59.260 do is rooftop surprise with close friends and family with music and food. Awesome. Sounds like

00:43:04.820 you're ready to go. Yeah. No, I think, I mean, you're, you're obviously to the point now.

00:43:10.340 The only thing that comes to mind is like, have you had conversations about your future? Not like,

00:43:15.100 Hey, I love you. Like that's important. But finances, religion, children, where you want to

00:43:21.220 live. Do you want her to stay home? Does she want to stay home? Does she want to work? Like 0.99

00:43:24.720 all these important things. I hope you've already addressed those things. Um, I'm excited for you.

00:43:30.540 I mean, I think that's awesome. I think that's great. And it sounds like you have a good plan

00:43:33.920 as far as afterwards. I think just communication, you know, maybe this is 10. I think this tends to

00:43:40.620 be more of a thing for women. Like they're really, they're really excited about their wedding. And so

00:43:45.860 they might have a tendency of going overboard financially, but maybe that's not something

00:43:50.280 that you guys want to do. So you're going to need to have a healthy conversation about

00:43:53.980 what, what is our budget? What does this look like? How many people do we invite? How much

00:43:58.380 are we going to spend? How much are we not going to spend? Um, when is it going to be, you know,

00:44:03.000 just open dialogue and communication continue, even in your engagement to have the kind of

00:44:08.840 conversations that we talked about. And I'm not advocating that you break it off by any means,

00:44:13.680 but I would still be looking for red flags and things to be aware of before you make the complete

00:44:19.900 plunge into this commitment. And again, I'm not advocating for that. I'm just saying you're not there

00:44:26.540 yet. So just keep having those conversations. Yeah. And that's, and it's for both of you,

00:44:32.800 right? You're managing expectations and provide clarity. And so it needs to be addressed if you

00:44:38.200 haven't. Yeah. But I think as far as like you planning it and it sounds like you've done a good

00:44:43.780 job thinking about it and I'm excited for you and I'd love to hear how it goes. So let me know.

00:44:48.840 Congrats. Brent Wardell. I know many of us struggle with this, but would,

00:44:53.840 would really like to cut out booze from my life. As I know, it's one of the things that truly holds

00:44:59.540 me back from accomplishing many of my goals in fitness work relationships and being present for

00:45:05.360 my kids. Good call on the presence, by the way, what are some ways to get beyond this short-term

00:45:10.920 progress and to make a long-term habit where I don't even think about it anymore or even desire it?

00:45:16.900 Yeah. I was pulling up a podcast that I did. This was, well, this was last year, January

00:45:25.740 of 2023. So, and it's, it's titled what five months of sobriety has taught me. So I think if you go back

00:45:36.700 and you listen to that, that might help. I'll just go through these real quick. So number one,

00:45:41.820 you reach rock bottom when you stop digging, like these aren't tactics. They're just mindsets to

00:45:46.880 consider, but you reach rock bottom when you stop digging. Number two, there's a lot of emotions

00:45:51.580 inside of me that I wasn't aware of. This is actually good for me to go.

00:45:55.120 Like you were addressing, you're using alcohol to address those. You have to cope, not address them

00:46:00.360 to cope or to hide them, to subdue them. Number three, I was really good at hiding it. So what does that

00:46:05.900 tell me? Like you're ashamed of it or bring your sins into light, right? They can't exist in the light.

00:46:11.980 Number four, I also realized I'm pretty incredible. And what I wrote here is

00:46:17.700 specifically what I could do with an extra three to four hours per day that I recoup,

00:46:23.480 not being drunk, passed out or hung over. Number five, alcohol does not make me a better person or

00:46:29.140 a better anything. I used to think that it did. I actually convinced myself that I was a better

00:46:33.720 podcaster if I was drunk because I was more loose and able to have a different kind of conversation.

00:46:38.440 That's not true. Number six, people appreciate transparent leadership because I was open and

00:46:44.020 honest about what I was dealing with. Number seven, trust is easy to destroy and much harder to

00:46:49.040 rebuild. Number eight, your course of action will change. This one's important. Your course of action

00:46:55.260 will change when the pain of the current reality that you put yourself in is greater than the struggle

00:47:02.300 of change. Let me say that one again. Your course of action will change when the pain of the current

00:47:12.520 reality that you put yourself in is greater. The pain is greater than the struggle of change because

00:47:19.540 change is hard. Yeah. And then the last thing I put here is that I've allowed the spirit of God back

00:47:25.840 into my life. Can I call out something? The pain of the current reality. I love that because

00:47:34.560 I think often we don't get present to the pain of the current reality, right? Like we downplay

00:47:43.960 the impact of our actions when reality it's there. The pain and the suffering and the hardship,

00:47:51.980 it's all there. We just choose not to look at it. So, because some people might say, well,

00:48:00.700 Ryan, it's not destroying my life, right? So the pain isn't there. No, no, no, no. And Brent kind of

00:48:05.940 alludes it to it here, right? The pain's there. Goal in his fitness, affecting his work, his relationships

00:48:12.460 and present to his kids. Just grab the last one. That might be enough to get present to and go,

00:48:19.640 whoa, whoa, right? And us really like feeling the impact of that, then your seventh bullet,

00:48:28.200 I think, becomes really powerful. And I would suggest the pain's there. We're just choosing

00:48:32.460 not to look at it. I agree. And it is destroying your life. You just haven't realized the result yet

00:48:39.700 because your wife hasn't left you or you haven't abused her or one of your children,

00:48:45.560 or you haven't got arrested for a job or hit somebody. You haven't lost a job, got yourself

00:48:51.260 in a financial hardship. You haven't done irreparable damage to your body and have a

00:49:00.360 medical diagnosis. That's coming. All of that's coming if you stay on the current path. So to your

00:49:06.900 point, get present to the reality of the situation you're in. You just haven't realized the result yet,

00:49:14.720 but you're on that path. It's like you're driving towards the cliff. You haven't fallen off the

00:49:19.240 cliff yet, but you're on the road to the end of the cliff. And you can let yourself fall off. And

00:49:25.380 in some ways I did, and that was horrible because it impacted people negatively, my own doing. Or

00:49:33.140 you could take a little bit of advice here and say, oh shit, pump the brakes, please. 0.99

00:49:39.080 And take that next turn to a healthier place, which is right now. 0.99

00:49:45.540 From a tactical standpoint, I would say AA is helpful or another meeting, but AA.

00:49:50.880 One thing I did is I printed out a monthly calendar, three months worth of calendars.

00:49:59.820 And I literally checked them on. You can go back to my Instagram account from earlier in 2023 and see,

00:50:06.720 like I checked off three months of sobriety, figure out why you're doing it. Maybe therapy

00:50:12.300 could come into place because you're coping and trying to subdue or hide something you're coping

00:50:19.520 in an unhealthy way. Therapy might be helpful. And then maybe there's some things that you can do to

00:50:25.160 replace the behavior. You can look at Charles Duhigg, The Power of Habit, or James Clear,

00:50:33.560 Atomic Habits to talk about that habit process. And for me, a lot of the times, even just boredom

00:50:41.720 was a reason to drink. And so don't be bored. Find something to do.

00:50:46.060 Yeah. Yeah. I find this interesting. I just thought about this, how, and it's actually a

00:50:54.400 fundamental attribution error, but nonetheless, it's interesting where whenever we have a victim

00:51:00.660 mindset, we'll excuse it, right? It's the reason. And I wonder for most people that when they make a

00:51:10.360 bad decision, maybe being drunk or under the influence of something, they attribute the bad

00:51:16.380 action to the alcohol, right? It's like, well, you know, it's not me. You know, I was drunk and I was

00:51:23.360 whatever. Yeah. And we need to remember that people don't see it that way, right? No, no, no little kid

00:51:28.780 went, hey, dad beat me, but you know, it was the alcohol. No.

00:51:33.420 It's also just not true. Yeah. Their dad did that to them, right? Like, and, and, and so sometimes

00:51:40.800 when we make foolish decisions underneath the influence of a substance, we'll, we'll excuse

00:51:47.420 it away. Like it's the substance. And it's like, but no one else sees it that way, but you, everyone 0.95

00:51:52.900 sees it as that's you. And that's what you were doing as an individual. So I don't know, just a

00:51:59.400 thought that's like saying in a mass shooting, well, the gun killed those people. No, the person

00:52:04.840 who walked into the school with a gun, who was pulling the trigger, a gun is a scent is not

00:52:10.320 sentient. Alcohol is not sent. It doesn't make decisions. It doesn't just get up and walk and do

00:52:15.540 evil things. Like, yeah, it's you. It was me. Like, yes, maybe because you were drunk,

00:52:23.400 you acted out of character, but you are the one who decided to drink. Yeah. So make a better

00:52:29.180 choice, which is what I'm trying to do. Marcus Segura. One of my focus this year

00:52:35.300 specifically is ensuring I am prepared as I want to be and should be as a new husband

00:52:41.560 coming this October. So he's, he's got 10 months. You got 10 months, Marcus, to get,

00:52:46.520 get your act together. What is one key area you found most impactful as a new husband,

00:52:53.000 current or divorced that you wish you would have had prioritized or focused on? That's a good

00:52:58.740 question. I like this. That is good. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I think for me, if I like, there's a lot for

00:53:04.980 sure, but the thing that stands out the most is making sure that our relationship is a priority

00:53:10.320 and that it doesn't come before other things and then open communication about difficult situations

00:53:21.300 so that things aren't left unsaid or problems that could potentially arise, aren't addressed,

00:53:28.640 or things are festering under the surface that either of us aren't willing to talk about. And

00:53:34.680 a lot of that making sure they get addressed, make sure that they get addressed. But a lot of that is

00:53:40.720 for lack of a better word, conditioning. Um, you know, we've heard the term you, you train people

00:53:47.040 how to treat you. So if your significant other is not talking to you, it's probably not because they

00:53:55.080 don't want to talk to you. It's probably because you've trained them not to by your response. Yeah.

00:54:02.160 So if you want them to communicate with you, then it's on you to change the way that you handle

00:54:09.860 those discussions. And this is, this is counter to this like ridiculous men's thing of like, well,

00:54:17.660 women, you know, they don't, yeah, you know, I know, I know that there's bitches out there. I know 1.00

00:54:24.880 that there's, you know, evil. And I know that some women want to get in that. I know that like, 1.00

00:54:31.160 we're not being naive about it, but for the most part, especially if you're in a relationship,

00:54:37.240 for the most part, there's a lot that you can do about your own behavior that will elicit a

00:54:44.100 completely and entirely different response in other people. If you just show up differently.

00:54:50.800 Yeah. And I think even if it doesn't, let's say you show up differently and she doesn't respond

00:54:55.740 differently. You're not any worse. In fact, you're better off because if that relationship does expire,

00:55:00.740 then you're going to be healthier to go into your next one. So take it on you because

00:55:07.220 you can't really control her. Yeah, totally. I think the conversation of like, you know,

00:55:13.720 getting your own stuff together as much as possible, right? Like your own demons and your

00:55:19.080 own mental health is obviously important because that's just going to show up in the marriage. So

00:55:25.080 I know that's kind of a vague statement, but I think when I first got married and I was young,

00:55:30.080 but when I first got married, I think the key thing that I felt is, is my perception of,

00:55:38.580 of what was a good marriage and a bad marriage. Like I, I remember the first time we got in an

00:55:46.860 argument and it was heated. I, I literally honestly thought, oh my gosh, I married the wrong person

00:55:53.080 because I, one never thought, I thought, oh, of a good marriage, you never argue.

00:56:00.640 So then I, I was making the relationship wrong. I had this wrong expectation on, on what it took.

00:56:09.580 And I, whenever, like we, whenever I go to a wedding and it's like a young couple getting married,

00:56:15.280 usually the card, what I write in the card is this will be the most difficult thing you will ever do.

00:56:24.060 And it's okay. And I wasn't, I didn't have that mindset. And I remember once I heated argument.

00:56:31.920 I called my brother, dude, blah, blah, blah. I'm just ranting. And he, and he starts laughing,

00:56:37.200 just laughs. Oh my, he's just laughing on the call. And I'm like, what? And he's like,

00:56:41.220 what going to be married, dude? Yeah. Deal with it. This is part of your growth. This is,

00:56:48.020 this is part of you guys growing together. It's fine. But I think far too often we, we have this

00:56:55.140 picture perfect of how it's going to be. And it's like, no, life's tough. Marriage is tough.

00:57:00.500 The question is don't give up. Right. And constantly focus on improving. I'm not saying

00:57:05.260 that like shitty marriages are okay. Try to make it better, but realize also that it takes time and

00:57:10.800 you're dealing with humans and we're dealing with stories and all these things. And it's,

00:57:14.540 and it's okay when it gets rough sometimes. Yeah. Well, you're also dealing with somebody else's

00:57:20.580 past and they are probably going to treat you in a lot of the same ways as a response to past

00:57:27.440 relationships, past experiences. And so they're looking at it through a filter or through a lens.

00:57:33.160 Not even be aware of. Yeah. Of their past, which is in some ways healthy, in some ways unhealthy.

00:57:38.900 And now it's, you're, you're included in that now. And so I think, but I also think that represents a

00:57:46.660 really cool and powerful opportunity to, this might sound strange, but to let somebody else experience

00:57:54.320 a better way, like a healthy person, you know? Yeah, totally. And also to let somebody else be

00:58:03.100 that for you. Cause you might have, you do, you have your own baggage. You have your own

00:58:07.180 things that you're looking at negatively. And sometimes you put that on her when it has nothing

00:58:11.360 to do with her, but let her show you that that was an isolated experience. And there's a better way

00:58:17.800 to have a relationship with her who, who is healthy in a lot of ways. Yeah. I have to add one more

00:58:22.840 thing. One more critical thing. There's a difference of parenting between moms and dads 1.00

00:58:29.460 and they don't have to be the same and celebrate. It shouldn't be the same. Yeah. Celebrate the

00:58:35.140 differences. I had that wrong for so long and we had buttheads. Oh no, no, we have to be, we have

00:58:40.240 to do it. And it's like, no, I'm the dad. You're the mom. We approach this slightly differently and

00:58:45.060 it's perfect and it's great and we should celebrate it. So realize that as well. I think both are a

00:58:50.280 requirement for a healthy functioning child, you know, but I think everyone gets that wrong.

00:58:56.120 Don't you think? I think, I think a lot of people think they should be the same.

00:58:59.340 Yeah. I think just generally speaking, dad tends to be more of the authoritative disciplinary

00:59:04.400 structure and mom tends to be more of the kind, empathetic, supporting nurturer generally.

00:59:10.400 Yeah. If that's all a child has the nurturing and the support, like they're never going to be

00:59:15.880 introduced to hardship and they're never going to have to go out and do things on their own.

00:59:19.200 If however, there it's only disciplinary and it's just rigid and not flexible and not kind,

00:59:25.860 not empathetic, not supportive in any way. It's just like, do this, be the best. And they're not

00:59:29.960 getting that other successful and lonely or, or there'll be a train wreck because they buck authority

00:59:36.300 at every opportunity they possibly can because they hate you. So both are necessary. All right.

00:59:42.940 Do we have one more question or anything? Yep. We do. We do. One more question.

00:59:45.860 One more. Trevor Burrell. What is the most valuable lesson you've learned in 2023?

00:59:51.400 Well, 2023 was a hell of a year for me.

00:59:54.760 Yeah. I should have read these questions earlier. What did you say? I'm sorry.

00:59:58.260 I said 2023 was a hell of a year for me. Yeah. It's actually really hard beginning of the year,

01:00:04.520 really, really productive end of the year. And what I mean product, I'm personally productive,

01:00:10.720 not like from a business standpoint, but like personally. So my greatest lesson was,

01:00:15.700 and it's not like a specific scenario, but our ability as men to adapt and evolve, I think might

01:00:23.600 be the single greatest skill set that we can develop. And there's a thousand things that we

01:00:30.380 talk about, but I honestly believe our ability, I'm just, I'm thinking about this, like our ability

01:00:35.120 to adapt and evolve is more important than anything else. And I mean that, like if you fail

01:00:41.480 in any way, your ability to recognize failure and get better is huge. If you're presented with some

01:00:47.720 sort of external circumstance beyond your control, your ability to evolve and overcome it is huge.

01:00:54.540 I don't know that there's a greater skill set than that. And, you know, as I say that,

01:00:58.640 I know people are going to say, well, you know, it's relationship with God.

01:01:01.380 I think your relationship with God will help you to evolve and overcome, you know,

01:01:08.420 because you're going to have to be humble and you're going to have to follow a set of rules and

01:01:14.280 moral principles. So I think that's my greatest lesson is, am I a man who can adapt and evolve

01:01:22.660 as quickly to circumstances and stimulus as I possibly can? And every time I adapt and evolve,

01:01:29.120 life gets better. Every time I bury my feet in the sand and get hard headed and tell the world and

01:01:34.840 everybody else, it's their problem, not mine. My life gets worse.

01:01:38.040 Man, kind of when it's still yours. I mean, relationships have been more and more,

01:01:44.780 I realize, especially from a leadership perspective, that leadership effectiveness is based upon

01:01:52.320 relationship, period. And people that we serve need to know that it's not, you know, me propping

01:02:00.280 myself up. It's actually rooted in me wanting them to win, right? And me serving them. And so

01:02:05.360 that's been a critical thing for me. But man, like, as you talked about adaptability,

01:02:11.980 that's been huge for me too. Because I've reached scenarios where I'm,

01:02:16.340 luckily I'm humbling myself enough to go, okay, hold on. Is this a kit plan? Am I so locked into

01:02:24.640 this because I'm protecting my ego here? And if it's not, then I got to be able to go, all right,

01:02:31.440 that was a pivot. Let's adjust. Maybe there's another approach and whatever. And I think our

01:02:37.480 lack of ability to adapt is really rooted in our ego because this is the way it should be. And we're

01:02:44.300 unwilling to go, maybe I'm wrong. You know, I think I mentioned this to you in another conversation,

01:02:50.820 but I did like echelon fronts, like Jocko's muster earlier this year. And one of the greatest thing

01:02:57.020 coming out of that was everything is just a guess, just a guess. You can strategize all you want,

01:03:04.480 but it's still just a really good guess. And we need to see it that way. Otherwise we won't adapt.

01:03:10.460 We won't adjust because it's like, well, it's a Michler plan. This is the plan, right? And we tie

01:03:16.520 our identity to it so much that we don't want to pivot and adjust. And I think that's been powerful

01:03:22.600 for me to go, maybe to have some passion and an opinion about it with the idea at the same time of,

01:03:30.060 I think, yeah, I feel really good about this, but I might be wrong and I'm going to be willing to

01:03:39.280 adjust if it's not the right approach. And that's been kind of hard to do to the balance of those

01:03:45.340 two things. Yeah. I was in yesterday in Zion national park and I was listening to, as you take

01:03:53.340 the shuttle through the Canyon, I was listening to the recording and it talked about how the Canyon

01:03:59.880 was formed and it's formed through water erosion and it literally water cut through thousands of feet

01:04:07.020 of rock and set it, you know, sediment and everything else to form this Canyon and the water,

01:04:12.700 the Virgin river is still flowing through there. Um, they said that every once in a while, uh, a rock

01:04:19.880 slide or an obstruction will change the river. It will change the path of the river. And it happened,

01:04:26.520 I think as early as the, I believe they said the mid nineties or as late as the mid nineties where

01:04:32.540 there was a huge rock slide and people got stuck up at the lodge for several days because the river

01:04:37.780 washed out the road and it's an entirely new path than it was prior to that event. This is how I look

01:04:44.060 at it. Things are going to happen. That water is still going to flow. It's just going to find a new

01:04:51.080 path. It's not deterred. It might be backed up for a little bit until it backs up and pours around,

01:04:55.800 or it finds a new route, but it will always find a new route. There's a great Latin quote, and I won't

01:05:01.100 say it in Latin, but one of my favorite quotes is I will either find a way or make one. I'll either

01:05:07.240 find a way or make one. And that has resonated with me. Yeah. That's a good, that's a good 2023 mantra.

01:05:14.180 I like it. I like it. 2023 or well, well, to wrap up the year. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe we

01:05:21.680 carried in at 24. All right, Kip, bring us home, man. Yeah. So the key thing called action, iron

01:05:28.260 council closes this coming Sunday to join us. If you've been on the fence, join us order of man.com

01:05:35.980 slash iron council, our preview night, Thursday, 8 PM Eastern time. If you're not quite sure what

01:05:44.360 this is all about, you want to get some insights, join us on that live broadcast Thursday, 8 PM

01:05:52.060 Eastern, and we'll tell you all about it. The iron council.com slash preview. Remember I'm not

01:05:59.040 creative. I'm very pragmatic. So if you want something, it's pretty easy to find the iron

01:06:04.180 slash preview. Yeah. Excellent. Excellent. And as always, you can connect with Mr. Mickler on

01:06:10.260 Instagram and X at Ryan Mickler. And if you haven't joined us on Facebook, feel free to join us there

01:06:16.240 as well. That's facebook.com slash group slash order of man. Cool. Thanks Kip. Great questions

01:06:21.160 today from our iron council members. Appreciate you guys asking those questions. And I hope that Kip and

01:06:25.300 I gave you some answers to consider ponder and to implement. So we'll be back on Friday until then go out

01:06:30.980 there, take action and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man

01:06:36.020 podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:06:41.060 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - January 03, 2024

Properly Evaluate Your Capabilities, Manage Your Energy Effectively, and Overcome an Alcohol Addiction ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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