Order of Man - Raising Boys in an Effeminate World, Self-Awareness Strategies, and Paying the Price of Success ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.400 I'm going to answer your question in the spirit in which it's intended.

00:00:03.440 I don't think that's your real question.

00:00:05.880 I think your real question is, what do I do?

00:00:09.260 Or how do I build the bridge between me and my adult children?

00:00:12.040 That's probably your real question.

00:00:13.460 Because you know it's not too late.

00:00:14.900 Because the alternative is like, no, too late.

00:00:19.100 And 67, bro, you've got 25 more years maybe on this planet.

00:00:23.320 A quarter of a century to do some work.

00:00:25.940 so i'm gonna i'm going to assume for the sake of argument that your real question is

00:00:32.720 what do i do how do i do it

00:00:34.720 kip what's up man great to have you back from the island of hawaii uh how you feeling you did

00:00:42.260 the iron man right you know i knew um part of it this is i don't actually know this is what

00:00:49.200 this is what you get for talking on a podcast on a regular basis you're gonna be held accountable

00:00:55.820 uh no yeah roughly about a month ago or so i um i told my wife i'm like babe i'm really sorry but

00:01:04.040 i i can't dedicate this time to train i didn't know that i can't do it yeah i mean with the

00:01:11.900 business i found myself i'm just stressed and i'm like i'm stressing about a swim when i should be

00:01:18.760 focusing on growing cash flow and starting a business and i'm like i gotta prioritize so i

00:01:24.940 kept training with her just to kind of support her. Um, so, but she did her half Ironman in Kona 0.84

00:01:31.640 on Saturday and she rocked it, man. And this is, this is the best part about all of it

00:01:39.140 is two days before, you know, we're there for a few days before, two days before the race,

00:01:45.880 she's like, Hey, I'm going to hop on the bike. Cause you, the logistics around this is chaos,

00:01:50.300 right like i'm sure you you load up your bike right you you take it apart you put it back

00:01:55.420 together you know all these nuances that you really i at least i didn't think of and so we

00:02:01.420 put her bike back together she goes for a ride she comes back i don't think she would mind me

00:02:06.040 telling this and she walks into airbnb and she starts crying really and she's like i can't do

00:02:13.620 this i'm like oh hold on what's going on like is the bike not working you know and she's like no

00:02:18.740 the wind is so bad she's like my time is horrible i can't do this almost like got blown off my bike

00:02:26.180 because it was so windy she's like this isn't going to work and then she even did a practice

00:02:31.220 swim in the bay the waves were a mess right and she she is just stressed and we had a conversation

00:02:39.320 which was it's already been determined it's already determined and it's determined based

00:02:46.300 upon the training for the last six months all that you can do now is show up saturday morning

00:02:51.900 and see what happens there's nothing you're going to do between now and then to make it work or not

00:02:57.380 make it work yeah and so just show up you know and do your best and let's see how it goes and

00:03:03.700 and not only did she she rocked it but like her swim time was better or close to about the same

00:03:11.180 maybe a little bit better than her training swim. So in the pool, she got about the same time

00:03:18.400 swimming in the ocean, her bike, she slaughtered her bike time better than training. You know what

00:03:25.400 I mean? And then the run, she, she struggled, but it was super hot. Um, but she, she did awesome,

00:03:31.080 man. It was so great. It was so great. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think it's cool that you still

00:03:35.020 supported her in training, but I definitely understand. I've talked with so many entrepreneurs

00:03:40.740 um just the nature of the work and it's amazing man people are people are really struggling

00:03:46.840 with cash flow with income with creating and replicating the same thing that they had in the

00:03:52.940 past and they're having to be creative and innovative and i guess you should always be

00:03:57.400 that way but it's very very interesting how many people are are actually struggling so i guess

00:04:04.480 that's a something to tell the guys it's like we don't need to compare ourselves to other people

00:04:08.540 necessarily, but just know that if you're, if you're struggling right now, of course,

00:04:12.700 there's things that you can do and we ought to be doing those things, but know that this is a

00:04:16.500 thing that a lot of people are dealing with. And, uh, it's kind of hard to see, but definitely

00:04:20.740 understand. Totally. And the market, it's a weird market. I don't know. It feels weird.

00:04:26.340 It feels fake. Absolutely. It feels fake. You know, like as the saying goes, everything is fake

00:04:31.520 and gay. And that really is the case. Everything is fake. The market's fake. And part of that is 1.00

00:04:38.720 the biggest part is just the government intervention and free markets that just

00:04:42.760 frustrate me to no end. Like people say we have free markets in a free market economy. We don't.

00:04:49.100 It's all manipulated by the Fed. Money is controlled. The supply is controlled. More and

00:04:54.080 more you see educated white liberal women and even young educated kids um moving and gravitating 1.00

00:05:05.160 towards government seizing control of of production and distribution which is basically communism so

00:05:14.580 it's um we don't live in a free market economy and that's one of the things that i actually believe

00:05:20.720 really hinders uh people's growth i mean that that's that's what it is it just if if you're

00:05:28.760 inhibited by manipulation not only are you not able to unshackle the economic beast that exists

00:05:39.240 in the united states but it's also just demoralizing like i don't i don't want to work

00:05:45.540 is hard if i know my efforts are going to be you know 35 40 of it's going to be taxed um if i have

00:05:52.560 to make every decision with some regulation in mind it's it's insane it really is insane and

00:06:00.680 these are the people unnecessary burden moving towards communism and socialism they think

00:06:06.960 they think that the government can actually do it better than an entrepreneur

00:06:11.020 and it's pretty sad that people think that so we're gonna keep talking about this stuff but

00:06:15.700 anyways a little off tangent well i'm glad that you guys got to go to hawaii she did well um you

00:06:21.020 know maybe next time kip get after it you've done one in the past so i i know you'll you'll uh you'll

00:06:26.260 get back on top of it and make up for it the big win like we in iron council right um we read a

00:06:33.300 couple months ago the the gap and the gain right one of the books that i that i appreciate uh and

00:06:38.320 really enjoyed this past year and the good part is man the game i i couldn't swim 100 yards

00:06:46.800 you know what i mean and and probably about three weeks before the iron man we did like a mock

00:06:53.560 uh a mock saturday dude did an hour i did a mile and a half swim which i never thought was ever

00:07:01.360 humanly possible you know what i mean got up to about 50 ish miles on the bike ran a half

00:07:06.820 so it's like you know what i mean i i i valued from it if that makes sense even though i didn't

00:07:13.320 do the race oh absolutely absolutely it was this is why i tell people when you're when you're doing

00:07:18.460 worthwhile things regardless of how it pans out and i like what you said about um you just show

00:07:24.820 up at that point it's never wasted i think there's this this misconception one of the questions i

00:07:31.240 actually have today is about overcoming uh regret or i think i talked about it last week actually

00:07:36.320 and if you look at every situation even the hurtful ones even the ones where you know you're

00:07:42.180 the one who messed it up yeah you can have regret but if you look at it as a learning opportunity

00:07:49.300 and you consider yourself better than you were before through the hardship it doesn't make it

00:07:55.660 easier necessarily it just means that it's a pragmatic experience in life and you can get

00:08:04.260 better from it and you should get better from all from all experiences that we have all right

00:08:09.740 brother well let's get into questions i've got three more from last week i flew solo last week

00:08:14.160 and uh it's definitely different when you are not there or jay is not there it's definitely

00:08:19.500 different you get you and jay by the way knocked it out of the park a couple of weeks ago i wanted

00:08:23.060 to tell you that oh thanks man all right so this one comes from daniel foster he says i follow a

00:08:29.440 lot of guys in the men's space and sometimes it feels like i'm behind that i'm not successful

00:08:35.480 enough or disciplined enough or masculine enough how do you use that content as fuel instead of

00:08:43.020 letting it become another way to feel like you're falling short i've felt this way too because i

00:08:49.860 compare what we're doing with our movement to other movements in the similar vein there's a

00:08:56.580 couple of things that I can give you right off the bat. And I'd like to hear your context on

00:08:59.900 this Kip too. And maybe that'll create some more ideas here for me on how to do this. But

00:09:04.440 number one, know that you're not getting an accurate representation of life,

00:09:11.360 their life. That is, even if, even if they're not lying or being deceitful or manipulative,

00:09:17.160 you're not getting the entire picture. So when I put something out on social media or I talk on

00:09:22.940 this podcast. I'm not lying. Those experiences actually have happened. Those are my actual

00:09:28.740 opinions. I believe and stand by what I say, but that's a sliver of my life. The thing that you

00:09:34.620 don't see is me impatient with my kids. The thing that you don't see is me saying, I'm going to get

00:09:40.580 to the gym, but I kind of slacked off or I ate last night, me and my oldest son ate way too much

00:09:46.280 food and i felt like a bloated whale the entire night and i was totally unproductive but i don't

00:09:53.380 put that on social media yeah right and then and what i was talking about earlier about um

00:10:00.520 businesses and entrepreneurs struggling what you see is what they want you to see it's like look

00:10:06.800 at these people i'm meeting and look at this product we created and look but what you don't

00:10:10.580 is the sleepless nights and i can't make payroll or i can't pay myself this month or i had to fire

00:10:19.520 somebody or a big client left or somebody took advantage of my business like there's so much

00:10:25.740 that goes on behind the scenes and i do try personally to paint a realistic picture but

00:10:31.900 just know it's not the full story i can give you countless stories and i won't just out of

00:10:36.840 friendship and privacy sake, where you would actually be surprised in what ways some of the

00:10:43.480 men that you listen to are struggling. You really would. And, and that's important because it keeps

00:10:49.660 things in the proper context. It used to be a hundred years ago, even 30 years ago, probably

00:10:56.040 even 25 years ago, where the only people that I really interacted with were in my proximity.

00:11:03.700 They were friends.

00:11:04.700 They were the people that I worked with.

00:11:06.440 They were my family members, extended family, neighbors, church members, et cetera, et cetera.

00:11:12.340 I was in proximity to them.

00:11:14.200 So I got to see the good, the bad, and the ugly.

00:11:17.600 I got to see the way they showed up powerfully.

00:11:19.860 And I got to see the warts and the scars and the bruises that you don't get to see when you're not in proximity due to social media.

00:11:26.420 and I feel like part of the reason social media is so brutal is because we're putting people on

00:11:34.280 pedestals they don't belong whereas when we didn't have social media Kip you're you're not a saint

00:11:41.320 and neither am I there's really redeeming qualities about you and some not so redeeming

00:11:47.020 qualities about you same as me same as everybody else but I feel like because we know each other

00:11:52.960 and to go again back 30 years when that's all we did is we just afforded each other more grace.

00:11:59.500 Yeah. Right. It's like, yeah, I know Kip and he messed up and I, you know, he said, sorry. And

00:12:03.960 I said, sorry, and we're good to go. But on social media, we expect almost demand perfection. That's

00:12:10.000 why there's filters and lighting hacks and tricks and video editing that you can do because people

00:12:15.420 want that perfect vision of what it is so so that's my first thing my second thing is just

00:12:22.820 block anything that isn't serving you if it's me and and what for whatever reason you compare

00:12:31.200 yourself to me block me please block me not out of spite or ill will but i'm not serving you my

00:12:38.440 my messaging my content is not serving you get rid of it you don't have room in your life for that

00:12:44.260 kind of content. And I've done that. There's guys in the men's space, as Daniel says, who I

00:12:50.100 quote unquote, should be following that. I just found myself falling into the comparison trap

00:12:56.480 with them. And I just said, Hey, I'm not unfollow. I'm not doing this anymore. These people don't

00:13:02.120 inspire me. They demoralize me and they're not doing it deliberately, but for whatever reason,

00:13:08.060 it's not productive for me. And then there's other organizations where I'm like, Oh no,

00:13:12.260 that's inspiring so just pick and choose curate your feed curate your social media maybe even

00:13:18.760 pause on certain accounts you know i've done that there's a handful of accounts that i could list

00:13:23.280 and say hey one was art of manliness when i very first got started i would compare myself to art

00:13:28.760 of manliness and i would go in and look at their google analytics and my google analytics and how

00:13:33.140 many podcasts they did and how many podcasts i did and how many downloads and how many it was 0.92

00:13:38.420 fucking miserable man so you know what i did unfollowed them for a while i follow them now 0.94

00:13:45.480 but for a while i unfollowed because it was no longer productive and conducive to 0.99

00:13:50.380 positivity in my life so there's a couple thoughts for you yeah i don't know let me let me

00:13:57.340 suggest this right like what what's at the root of it you know the the root of the upset is that

00:14:04.320 we, we don't believe in ourselves. Right. I mean, that's the story, right? The story is

00:14:11.720 that, um, maybe that I'm not good enough that I, that I should be better than I am.

00:14:18.060 Like it's a, it's a judgment, not an understanding, right. But a judgment. And, and this is why I

00:14:26.620 love that quote by Theodore Roosevelt, right. Critical thinking is difficult. That's why most

00:14:30.740 people judge and and i think it goes back to what you're saying critically think right it's like man

00:14:36.140 i've done consulting for a long time right i've done consulting for these probably 25 years or

00:14:42.440 more and it's funny i've had some legit clients pet smart panasonic those are the ones that sound

00:14:49.660 great because people know those brands but i mean i've had a client is the world's largest

00:14:54.560 construction company based out of the uk one of my clients my client and or the department of

00:15:01.120 the government hired me to move out to falls church virginia to support them how cool is that

00:15:08.640 i'm not even a military guy right i had to get top secret clearance you can imagine all these

00:15:12.800 scenarios i'm hopping on a plane and i'm having internal thought like am i good enough to work

00:15:18.520 for this company am i good enough like these guys are going to eat me alive they're going to know

00:15:23.640 way more than me and you know what has happened every single time i go in and they go and i go

00:15:31.020 oh my gosh these guys have no idea what they're doing just like everybody else

00:15:35.940 just like everybody else they're all running around their heads cut off

00:15:40.480 you know and and people posture i mean even pull up job descriptions of what they're asking for

00:15:48.060 they're not capable to even hire someone so perfect

00:15:53.160 someone so perfect wouldn't even survive or even want to work for them because they're so chaotic

00:15:59.820 right we it's it's way more to your point it's messy it's way more messy everybody's messy

00:16:07.840 everyone's trying to figure it out but my point being is there's power in empathy

00:16:13.380 have empathy with yourself right and and maybe that's my message to add on top of yours i don't

00:16:20.900 disagree with anything you said but like have some grace with yourself are you improving right and

00:16:27.780 and it's funny that we brought up that book the gap in the game the whole premise of that book is

00:16:32.100 stop focusing on the gap stop focusing of where you should be and and the the gap between you

00:16:40.820 know where you are today and where you're going focus on how did you do today are you a better

00:16:47.180 version today than you were yesterday are you progressing because who we are is not defined

00:16:53.720 necessarily by our circumstances it's actually defined by how we show up in spite of them

00:16:59.080 and some of us have harder circumstances that we get to deal with and this is why look at all the

00:17:05.740 people who inspire us. People who inspired us, they came from really tough circumstances

00:17:10.860 and they overcame them. It's who you are in spite of the circumstance that matters more than

00:17:17.400 anything else. And so, I don't know, my plea is just have some grace with yourself. Are you

00:17:23.460 improving? Are you putting in the reps? And here's the funny part. If you're not, you're going to be

00:17:29.020 upset and to that message i say good because you're not working so start working start taking

00:17:35.940 action feel good about your growth today but let go of the whole gap story well and there's another

00:17:42.100 thing that came to mind as you were saying that so in this case you know we often compare where

00:17:49.680 we are to where other people are that guy's further ahead that guy has more money that guy

00:17:54.400 has a bigger house he's got a nicer car he's got a better looking wife i don't know whatever

00:17:57.780 yeah but what we rarely do is we rarely compare where that person started relative to you

00:18:06.360 and i'm not talking about victimhood mentality like comparing hardship i'm saying that there

00:18:11.540 may have been other obstacles that you've had to overcome that that person didn't have to deal with

00:18:16.460 now i'm not saying he didn't have his own fair share of challenges but let's not pretend that

00:18:22.480 we all started at the same starting line. And, and by the way, I need to say this, I'm not making

00:18:28.020 a case for equity here. I'm not, I'm just telling you that the reality is that, uh, a man born in

00:18:37.340 America to two parents who have their finances under control is definitely better off than 0.96

00:18:46.860 a somalian in a in poverty-stricken somalia doesn't know where dad is doesn't know who his 0.98

00:18:55.160 mom is like come on obviously there's a difference with that and i'm not saying that we need to

00:19:00.780 manipulate this is goes back to what i was saying earlier we don't need to manipulate everything to

00:19:05.460 make sure people are now equitable we just need to encourage the people differently who are in

00:19:11.720 different places like i would expect more of the guy who has greater opportunities i would expect

00:19:18.220 more of him yeah and it's um it's kind of like is it uh spider-man stanley i think it's his uncle

00:19:26.340 with great power comes great responsibility i would expect you to do more if you have more

00:19:31.920 that just that just seems like it's the right way to to do that but at the at the end of the day

00:19:37.700 just here here's the bottom line inventory the behaviors the thoughts the circumstances

00:19:45.120 everything else inventory what is serving you and what isn't that's it and get rid of everything

00:19:52.220 that's not serving you and embrace the things that are that's it yeah totally and in one last

00:19:58.500 thought too it's like you know we use this example it's like you know if we we grab a room of the

00:20:03.500 average american put him in a conference room and we said you know by a raise of hands who all wants

00:20:08.500 to make um i don't know nine nine figures how many hands would go up yeah all of most of them

00:20:17.100 right all of them we're like oh absolutely and then we start listing what's required

00:20:21.260 yeah and the hands start going down so get clear right it's easy for me to be like oh i want what

00:20:29.060 Ryan has until I get clear on what it took to get there, then I may not want it. So stop,

00:20:37.260 stop desiring something that you don't know what's required to get there. You may not want it.

00:20:42.160 And so this is why the comparison is dangerous as one. We never started from the same spot. You

00:20:46.860 don't know what battles they're dealing with, but you also don't know the price they paid.

00:20:50.340 And maybe you don't want to pay that price. So, you know, consider that as well.

00:20:54.960 excellent all right let's go to the next question this one comes from

00:21:00.800 troy messina he says my boys are eight and eleven i'm watching the school system the media

00:21:07.920 and even some of their friends as parents systematically discourage everything i'm

00:21:12.540 trying to build in them how do you protect what you're building at home when the culture is

00:21:17.460 actively working against it this is a great i love this question because it is so prevalent

00:21:23.040 and i've often said that your voice needs to be the loudest voice in your kids' lives but what

00:21:29.560 i've seen too many parents do fathers and mothers is outsource the education i'm not just talking

00:21:36.820 about academia but outsource we'll call it the development of their children yeah so they'll

00:21:44.340 they'll send their kids to school for eight or nine hours a day and then when they come home

00:21:50.660 they're like oh cool I washed my hands they checked off their education maybe I'll ask a

00:21:55.900 couple questions about how their day went what they're learning but I'm not doing homework with

00:21:59.680 them I'm not doing our own learning we're not going on any vacations or experiences that might

00:22:05.620 teach them things that they wouldn't have learned in the halls of academia and then they'll turn the

00:22:11.520 tv on instead of curating what your children are watching good wholesome movies with virtuous

00:22:19.300 principles and ideals and lessons and role models and heroes they let them turn on you know the the

00:22:28.880 the latest woke movie nonsense that's teaching them false false beliefs or you know these these

00:22:38.740 ideas that won't serve them in their lives they let them listen to whatever music they want they

00:22:43.260 let them go hang out with whoever they want and it's not really any wonder that your kids are

00:22:50.040 turning out the way that they are so the first lesson in this is to stop outsourcing their

00:22:55.940 development you need to be physically active with them hey i'm gonna go on a walk guys let's all go

00:23:02.880 on a walk tonight after dinner don't let tv be babysitter okay if they go to school i understand

00:23:11.160 And I always make the case for advocating for homeschool or some other alternative method of education.

00:23:19.800 I always will make that case.

00:23:21.320 But let's just say for the sake of argument, you're either not interested or not in the position to do that right now.

00:23:26.620 And so you send your kids to public school.

00:23:28.060 Okay, what are you supplementing that for? Because if they're spending eight hours at public school and you're spending 10 minutes, you'd have to be completely retarded to think that your voice is going to carry any weight relative to the eight hours they just spent with people who are teaching them dangerous ideology. 0.98

00:23:47.500 but can you spend an hour a day with them what can you do on the weekend to teach them can you 0.97

00:23:52.600 bring your son out into the workshop and say hey let's build this well my my youngest son and I

00:23:57.680 are building a bed right now for him and he's helping me he's cutting it he's he's sanding it

00:24:04.420 he's screwing it in he's painting and he's like dad I don't want to do this anymore I'm like cool

00:24:08.920 and then I stop he's like well no I want it to be done I'm like no no this is your bed

00:24:13.600 i'm not building this for you i'm assisting you in building your bed

00:24:18.820 yeah but most parents are like yeah okay sure i'll just go ahead and do it yeah and so here's

00:24:27.520 what you need to do stop outsourcing development of your children and then making sure that you

00:24:34.840 have other good influences in their lives so a great example of this your boys are eight and

00:24:42.520 11, I'm assuming that they have some extracurricular activities, whether it's music or sports or

00:24:51.100 debate or, you know, whatever, extracurricular activities. Embrace the fact that there's other

00:24:57.060 coaches who want to be positive influences in their lives. Vet them. Make sure that they're

00:25:02.180 good coaches. Communicate with them. Talk with them. Spend time with their coaches because

00:25:06.660 i found this to be true for my oldest son in particular brecken is i could tell him something

00:25:15.000 over and over and over and over and over again and then he could have a coach that he really

00:25:21.180 respects tell him once and it's like doctrine i'm over here like dude i've been saying that

00:25:26.400 for three years he's like no you haven't and so you could get pissed and bothered and ego

00:25:33.120 broken and things or you could say as long as he knows the information i'm good we had uh my two

00:25:41.600 oldest boys lacrosse banquet last week or a couple weeks ago now and you know with brecken graduating

00:25:48.540 he's actually going to go play college lacrosse he committed to go play college lacrosse at southern

00:25:54.040 utah university which is very cool i'm excited for him but you know what in the banquets where

00:25:59.560 the coach gets up and talks about the seniors and what kind of players they were and all that kind

00:26:04.240 of stuff. The coach, he got, he got choked up. He got emotional when he was talking with Brecken

00:26:10.980 because Brecken, it was the backbone of the team, not just last year, but I remember when Brecken

00:26:19.540 came to me and he said, Hey dad, there's this guy that wants to start a lacrosse club in hurricane.

00:26:23.880 I think I'm going to go do it. And he recruited players to come play on the first year of lacrosse.

00:26:28.800 That was three years ago, a little over three years, but he was emotional about it.

00:26:33.700 I love the fact that they have that kind of relationship.

00:26:36.420 That's not intimidating or threatening to me.

00:26:38.640 I need that.

00:26:39.900 I need to enlist other people, righteous church-going men, righteous coaches being involved,

00:26:47.780 righteous teachers being involved.

00:26:49.820 And so it's my job to go out and put my kids in environments where they'll be around other

00:26:54.180 righteous men because I can't do it all.

00:26:56.700 not only will they not listen to me i just don't have the capacity to be as involved as i need to 0.84

00:27:02.140 be in their lives but if i start enlisting you kip you're involved in my son my kids lives

00:27:07.160 if i start enlisting coaches and teachers and everybody else you're gonna have a whole lot 0.60

00:27:11.900 easier time combating the wickedness that they're going to have to contend with yeah yeah it's a

00:27:18.440 good that's a great assessment just to look at who's around me right it is a couple that

00:27:26.680 comes over for dinner are they this are they these people if they're not why they why are we hanging

00:27:31.860 out with them yeah who am i surrounding myself with uh because that's who your kids are going

00:27:37.580 to be surrounded by even if it's not intentional right and i have some good friends of mine that

00:27:43.500 in the past have been visiting town i'm thinking of uh one person in particular matt campbell

00:27:50.100 there's been a couple times matt's in town from new york and goes hey kiave let's go for a drive

00:27:55.220 he didn't ask me hey can i talk to kiavi about something no he's like hey kiavi let's go for a

00:28:01.740 drive yeah right and he's like you're gonna listen to me i'm gonna give you my opinions about some

00:28:07.460 things because you need to hear things because i know what's going on in your life because i've

00:28:11.220 had conversations with your mom and dad yeah that's that's what you need right but it kind of

00:28:17.960 is what what we're putting around ourselves you know what i mean so but i feel this guy man i mean

00:28:23.120 this is why absolutely our last few kids they don't they don't go to middle school in particular

00:28:28.200 like public middle school we're like no way right like yank them it is a cesspool of degeneracy

00:28:36.060 it's horrible and kids are horrible their parents are horrible not all teachers are horrible but 0.99

00:28:43.460 and i don't even think they're malicious a lot of them are just useful idiots but it's not a great 0.99

00:28:48.980 environment and the argument that people often make is well they're going to be exposed to it 0.97

00:28:53.120 i want them to be exposed to it now i'm like dude that's i'm not gonna i'm not it is a cop

00:28:57.900 i'm not gonna take my kid and go throw him into a literal lion cage so he can get tough

00:29:02.400 because he could also die yeah now would i put him into a jujitsu class yeah sure at his age at his

00:29:11.740 capacity yeah sure but you don't just throw him into the deep end or in the lion's den and say

00:29:17.780 well he's gonna have to get tough okay okay yeah he's not capable of it right now you know we have

00:29:24.280 a common friend matt brudeau and and we had a it was funny a couple years back we're we're talking

00:29:30.080 about you know putting our kids into a private school and um it was a conversation with matt

00:29:36.120 and asia said something to the extent of like some of these kids are weird right and she's kind of

00:29:41.480 joking, but they kind of being serious. Like, you know, um, our kids might be around nerdy,

00:29:46.840 weird, socially awkward kids. Right. And Matt, and Matt jumped all over it. He goes,

00:29:53.120 Oh, would you rather have them be around socially awkward kids? Or would you rather

00:29:56.900 have them bound kids that's teaching them bad moral principles? And we're like, yeah,

00:30:04.280 right. What's worse. All right. I actually don't think in the age that we live in now though,

00:30:09.220 kip i don't think homeschool kids are the weird ones now i actually don't think so either i will

00:30:14.400 say they're abnormal relative to another kid who has been run through the system but what what's

00:30:22.960 weird a young boy or girl who could actually look an adult in the eye shake their hand firmly ask

00:30:30.300 them engaging thoughtful questions communicate clearly and effectively have goals dreams desires

00:30:37.240 have ambitions setting goals that well that's weird great i want my kids to be weird then yes

00:30:43.600 please totally totally like we should be always fascinated with people yeah right and and and

00:30:50.200 people are always fascinated with my children i mean my youngest is he's 10 now so we were at we

00:30:57.600 went to subway yesterday together and the lady at the counter was like what would you guys like

00:31:03.280 and she looked at me and I looked at my son and I'm like he didn't even bat an eye he's like can I

00:31:10.100 please have a six inch ham on white and he was vocal and he was loud and he was clear and she

00:31:15.440 was like yeah and then she's like what would you like and he said and he said thank you and please

00:31:21.020 like well-mannered the way that he should be he looked her in the eye he communicated loud enough

00:31:26.420 for her to hear and you could just tell by the way she was kind of like taken back but also impressed

00:31:32.160 that's how your kid should be in this really crazy society that we live in anyways totally

00:31:39.660 all right last question i have and then we'll get to your questions so this one comes from frank

00:31:45.200 aldridge he says i'm 67 i did not lead well when i think it mattered the most i checked out

00:31:52.800 emotionally i really wasn't present and i missed a lot my kids are grown my relationship with them

00:31:58.740 is distant. Is it too late to do anything meaningful with what's left or do I just

00:32:04.060 have to live with it? Yep. Too late. Give up. Exactly. Like really? I'm going to answer your

00:32:12.640 question in the spirit in which it's intended. I don't think that's your real question. I think

00:32:17.400 your real question is what do I do or how do I build the bridge between me and my adult children?

00:32:23.280 That's probably your real question. Cause you know, it's not too late because the alternative

00:32:27.060 is like no too late don't you know i'm in 67 bro you've got 25 more years maybe on this planet

00:32:34.160 a quarter of a century to do some work so i'm gonna i'm going to assume for the sake of argument

00:32:42.440 that your real question is what do i do how do i do it and what i would suggest is small periodic

00:32:52.940 touch points, checking in on their birthdays, checking in on your grandkids' birthdays if you

00:32:59.860 have grandkids yet, sending holiday gifts, making phone calls, texting, you know, is a really simple

00:33:09.980 non-threatening way. I don't know the strain of the relationship, but the more that you can just

00:33:14.160 put out these little touch points in as many mediums as possible, the better off this relationship has

00:33:20.920 of gaining traction. I would also really spend a lot of time thinking about what's important to

00:33:27.060 them. So if you've got an adult son, let's say he's, I don't know, 40 years old. And you just

00:33:34.620 know that he loves the Raiders. I say the Raiders because I'm close to Vegas here. You just know he

00:33:42.040 loves the Raiders. Bro, call him up. Hey, son, I was thinking about going to a game. The new

00:33:48.180 Allegiant field's amazing. I can get us tickets. How's this date at this time work for you? And

00:33:54.320 invite them into your world, into something that they like and care about, not something that's

00:33:59.560 selfish that you like and care about. I don't really think it's too difficult, much, much more

00:34:05.540 difficult than that. The only challenge is it probably will take time. They don't know you.

00:34:11.240 Maybe. So you need to create situations where they can get to know you and you can get to know them

00:34:17.360 on holidays, invite them over. Hey guys, like if they're close in proximity, I'd love to do

00:34:23.940 an Easter brunch. You probably already have like your own plans for Easter. I don't know if you

00:34:27.980 have morning plans or evening plans, but I could do something with you guys with the grandkids in

00:34:32.360 the morning or the evening, whatever works best for you. Or I could even do it on Saturday. If

00:34:36.520 Sunday doesn't work for you, create opportunities to, to get in close proximity to them and get to

00:34:43.280 know them and build it. And here's one other thing, and I'll end with this, and I want to hear what

00:34:49.560 you have to say on it, Kip, is as men, generally, I think it's really easy for us to get excited

00:34:57.240 about things that are tangible. So our bank accounts, our body, our businesses, maybe projects

00:35:04.800 that you're building. And it's less, it's more difficult to get excited about turning a family

00:35:12.600 dynamic into a project. And that's really what you ought to do. If you actually looked at this

00:35:17.800 like a project, here's the steps. Here's the process. Here's what I'm building. Here's how

00:35:22.820 I know when I'm getting, got this, this done, or here's how I know that the relationship is getting

00:35:26.940 closer. I don't want you to take the humanity out of it. Looking at it like that might create

00:35:34.700 some enthusiasm and excitement for what you're trying to accomplish. Yeah, I like it. There might

00:35:42.240 be a scenario by which we do all those things, right? We do the reach out, we do the touch point

00:35:48.740 and it's met with resistance. Um, because there's maybe something that's unaddressed.

00:35:56.940 And so I just want to call that out that like, if, if there's a barrier there that needs to be

00:36:04.040 cleaned up, you might need to clean it up. Right. And, and so maybe let's give a little advice on

00:36:11.000 cleaning something up, um, or being complete with something of the past. And so here's my

00:36:16.680 counsel. If, if that is the case is don't deal in reality, right? So Ryan, let's say you and I get

00:36:24.980 sideways, right? We, for whatever reason, something happens and you and I are in a really awkward

00:36:30.720 place. I do a reach out, you stonewall me, you avoid me. It's not going well. Right. Um, and,

00:36:39.200 and it's something that needs to be cleaned up, I would reach out to you and I'd say, Hey, Ryan,

00:36:44.580 you know, I realize that, um, in the past when this thing occurred, I didn't handle it well.

00:36:53.640 And I actually want to apologize for the way I showed up and I want to do a better job moving

00:37:00.120 forward. And I'd love to have a better relationship with you. I clean it up. I don't, I didn't justify

00:37:05.940 I didn't say, hey, Ryan, when you were a jerk, you know, it made me, no, no, no. 0.99

00:37:09.740 I don't do the whole story. 0.99

00:37:11.160 I own my part in it.

00:37:12.640 Hey, I should have done better.

00:37:14.140 No excuses on my part, but I want to clean up and I want to apologize with the intent

00:37:19.120 that you may accept it and you may not, but I own my portion of it and I clean it up.

00:37:27.040 And you might need to do that, right?

00:37:29.340 Because if there's enough upset happening, they're, they're looking, they're, they're not, they're not going to trust you and, and you might need to come clean, um, and clean something up before, before those other actions will, will be effective.

00:37:44.960 I like that.

00:37:46.100 I like that.

00:37:47.120 I think that's good.

00:37:47.820 I was writing a couple of things down here.

00:37:50.480 Uh, three don'ts when it comes to doing this is number one.

00:37:56.800 Well, I've got four actually.

00:37:58.220 don't over-apologize okay you don't need to apologize every time you talk to a person if

00:38:05.660 you say it sincerely and genuinely let it be done you've done everything that you can and then try

00:38:12.340 to make the relationship light from there because if you make everything heavy it gets obnoxious

00:38:17.680 really quickly yeah and so we don't want to be around that that's great no right like i would

00:38:22.900 love to hear your apology. And if I accept your apology, we're good. We're good. I accepted it.

00:38:30.120 Number two, don't guilt trip them. Like don't, don't act as if they owe you something like,

00:38:37.620 oh, I'm doing all this work and I'm the only one putting in the effort. I know you're going to feel

00:38:43.520 like that. So talk to somebody else about it. Don't talk to them about it because now it feels

00:38:48.880 like manipulation. Do you want the relationship or do you not just, just not want to feel guilty

00:38:53.460 for passing discretion or past wrongdoings? Um, this one's along the same lines. Uh, don't whine

00:39:01.220 to them about how hard life is and why this is so difficult on you that you can't have a

00:39:09.020 relationship again. Now it's about you instead of them. Yeah. And then the last one is don't feel

00:39:14.780 entitled. You want your sovereignty, then you need to give it to somebody else. You're not

00:39:20.640 owed a relationship with that person, or they don't owe you a relationship.

00:39:26.040 Work to build a meaningful relationship, but don't act as if you're entitled to it.

00:39:31.120 Earn it. Earn the right to the relationship. I don't care if they're kids or parents, whoever.

00:39:36.920 Earn the right to have a relationship with that individual. And know that, look, I've had certain

00:39:42.360 relationships even relatively recently where i've messed up i've tried to apologize i've tried to

00:39:48.180 make amends and they weren't having any of it rough lesson it is but that's they're right to

00:39:57.080 that i messed up i'm paying the piper now they don't owe me anything i wish it were different

00:40:03.400 it's not totally all right what do you got some questions all right let's do it warden

00:40:10.500 how would you handle a hard conversation with your wife if you know that she is doing something

00:40:16.200 that's setting setting her back i want to be supportive of her as a person and not too

00:40:22.000 destructive because she will shut down but i'm also watching her make decisions that are

00:40:26.580 deterring her from reaching her fitness goals

00:40:29.640 okay so this is tough this is sensitive um all right so the first thing i would do

00:40:38.400 and i'm assuming you haven't done any of this you might have but the first thing i would do

00:40:42.680 is i would start to ask questions but i wouldn't lead the discussion you know sometimes you can

00:40:50.140 ask a question technically it's a question but it's not really a question like kip i might say

00:40:56.740 to you like hey you do realize how important your health is right yeah or how's the iron man

00:41:05.140 training going yeah you know what i mean like it causes me to reflect on how that's going

00:41:12.640 well and it's also it's also a little loaded so you have to be careful of not loading up those

00:41:18.020 questions because how's the iron man training going could almost come across as accusatory

00:41:23.940 because she knows how it's going because you live with her like she knows if you're doing it or not

00:41:30.140 And in this case, you know, if she's doing it or not.

00:41:32.460 So don't ask questions that aren't leading.

00:41:36.760 So, Hey babe, in the past, how's the weight scale going?

00:41:39.780 Yeah.

00:41:40.100 How, how much did you weigh this morning?

00:41:43.840 No, I would ask questions like, Hey babe, in the past, you know, um, you've talked about

00:41:49.700 wanting to, wanting to feel better and healthier.

00:41:54.060 Have you given much thought to how you might do that?

00:41:58.380 Yeah.

00:41:59.300 That's not a leading question because she can say, oh, I really haven't.

00:42:02.920 And you know what?

00:42:03.660 That's fine.

00:42:04.440 You don't need to come to the answers right away and say, oh, okay, I was just curious

00:42:07.100 because you had talked about it.

00:42:08.060 So all good.

00:42:09.880 And just leave it alone.

00:42:10.820 It's fine because you can come back to it later.

00:42:12.940 You don't need to dogpile on the questions because then it comes across as an interrogation.

00:42:18.180 So ask good questions without leading and base your questions on what she's told you.

00:42:25.020 so if she's like i know i just need to lose some weight and she says it casually

00:42:30.320 maybe a couple days later you might say hey babe i know you were talking about wanting to

00:42:34.900 to lose a few pounds i would love to do that too is there something that we could do together

00:42:39.420 it's not leading you're not accusing her of anything you're bringing it back to something

00:42:45.640 she said and you know so that that's what i that's where i would start is just a series of

00:42:52.100 questions that aren't interrogation that aren't leading if it gets bad enough i really think that

00:42:59.000 you owe her a real discussion and it's you already said it's gonna be hard and that discussion might

00:43:07.260 go something like this hey babe can i talk with you about some comments that you've made with

00:43:13.280 your health and some of the concerns that you have and even just some of the concerns i have

00:43:18.080 for you for you and your well-being and hopefully because you've done everything else right that

00:43:23.580 we're telling you to do asking questions not leading she says yeah you can talk to me about

00:43:27.080 it then you then you just say it what it is hey babe look this is this is really difficult for

00:43:33.220 me to say and it might be hard for you to hear but i love you and i care about you and when i see

00:43:42.620 things that aren't in your best interest and i see that you're not happy or you're not satisfied

00:43:48.000 or you're losing confidence i can't help but want to bring it up can i bring up a few things

00:43:52.540 now you're getting permission and she says yeah if she says no back up go back to phase one

00:43:59.120 asking questions periodically if she says yeah say well look

00:44:03.040 i wouldn't say i'm concerned about your weight okay what i would say is i'm concerned about

00:44:10.380 the symptoms of the weight gain okay so i would say hey babe i'm just worried because

00:44:17.580 you just seem so much more tired than you used to be. You just seem like your energy is so much

00:44:26.000 lower. You don't seem happy. You seem like you're more impatient or maybe more on edge than you

00:44:33.400 normally are. And I don't know, do you feel that way? So you don't make it about the weight because

00:44:40.080 if you just say, hey, I'm worried about your weight, that's not going to go over well for

00:44:45.080 anybody. But if you start addressing the symptoms, she knows she's unhappy. She knows she's losing

00:44:51.440 confidence. She knows that she's tired or she's impatient with the kids or she doesn't have the

00:44:58.040 energy that she wants to. And so when she admits it now to take a page out of your playbook, she

00:45:03.100 has to offer that now. So then the next series of questions is this. Well, I'm glad you recognize it

00:45:09.780 too. I'm glad I'm not the only one because I didn't know if that was the case, but I wanted

00:45:13.720 to confirm with you if you're feeling that way um here's the next question line of questioning

00:45:18.840 what do you think we should do about it because i want you to be happy i want you to be confident

00:45:25.080 i want you to have energy for me and the kids what do you think we should do about it

00:45:30.100 again it's not you're not putting it on her and she might say

00:45:36.040 you know what like i just really feel like i need to lock in my diet

00:45:41.200 great say you know what i'm glad you said that because i actually do too what if we did it

00:45:49.540 together and then hopefully she says yeah i think maybe that would be good okay cool then sit down

00:45:56.360 and start doing meal planning together and who's going to cook what on when and how you're going

00:46:00.060 to do healthy and what you're going to cut out what you're going to put in and this now becomes

00:46:03.460 more of a collaborative process than an accusatory process like you need to fix yourself you need to

00:46:09.160 lose weight you need to eat better you need to exercise it's like no let's go do this together

00:46:12.920 and then you have your first healthy meal and you say hey babe i was thinking about it i i was

00:46:18.980 watching um something on instagram the other day and it said that if couples go on a walk after they

00:46:25.200 eat it reduces insulin spikes and helps you maintain you know level level sugar levels which

00:46:33.920 is really healthy for you. And also I thought it would be good time for us to just talk about our

00:46:39.520 days and our goals and our dreams and our fears and desires and how we're raising the kids. And

00:46:43.380 maybe it's just like a nice way to get 45 minutes to an hour together after dinner. What do you

00:46:47.080 think? I think that you're going to have an easier time doing that than either ignoring it because

00:46:55.480 ignoring it is abdicating your husbandly duties. Quite honestly, you are the leader of the household

00:47:02.460 ignoring it is not what you should do but you do have to do it tactfully go ahead kip what do you

00:47:08.340 got what i was just gonna say you have an upset so if it doesn't get your dress it's gonna show

00:47:14.160 up some other way right i mean you you're gonna throw in a little jab here and there if you don't

00:47:21.380 have the conversation i mean it will show up so address it you know one thing i i love is just

00:47:26.740 asked to give so and and i you could use this for anything and i say you know ryan i know

00:47:34.140 one really important objective that you're working on is xyz or your diet or whatever

00:47:39.380 in what ways am i making that more difficult for you

00:47:43.320 and and you're like well actually you make it really hard because you're pounding donuts every

00:47:50.480 night and, and, and it makes me want to eat them. Okay. Got it. So this is what I'm going to do

00:47:56.460 moving forward. Yeah. I I'm going to make these changes so I can better support you. Whoa. Who

00:48:02.200 was that all about? Just me. Yeah. Just me not trying to change them. Hey, in what way am I not

00:48:10.560 helping you? In what way am I making it more difficult? What can I do moving forward to better

00:48:15.060 support you but here's here's we you got to honor choice right and and so we got to be careful and

00:48:21.840 we i think you've done a great job with it it's like we got to be careful this isn't about

00:48:25.920 most people don't want to be most people want to change they don't want to be changed by someone

00:48:35.220 else. And so how do you support them in what they're about so they can make that choice on

00:48:45.440 their own? That's the key, right, of doing this. And one of the best ways we can do that is

00:48:51.060 obviously model it. That's the other element in it. That's the other elephant in the room, right?

00:48:56.300 It's like, oh, my wife's health is really bad. Meanwhile, my health is where, right? So be

00:49:01.800 Be careful. Be careful that you're in a position of influence and that she knows you care.

00:49:10.520 Are you doing all the other things that she knows that you genuinely care about her?

00:49:16.100 Because trust me, the conversation about her fitness is not going to go well if she's already

00:49:22.680 questioning whether you care about her as an individual. So make sure that that's dialed in.

00:49:29.160 otherwise this is all for not anyway right so one one other and then we'll we'll quit being a dead

00:49:35.160 horse on this one but one other strategy i've heard that works really well because i've

00:49:39.120 encouraged guys to do this and are these iron council questions by the way um that was yes

00:49:44.400 okay so so blame it on the iron council with this one okay so let me explain what i mean

00:49:50.660 you might if you haven't had this initial discussion of her own goals what you can do

00:49:58.000 is say, Hey babe, um, a couple of the guys in the iron council on my battle team are all getting

00:50:03.440 together and we're doing our quarterly goal setting or battle plan. And we've been encouraged

00:50:08.440 to do this with our spouses to varying degrees. And I wanted to see if you'd be interested in

00:50:15.480 doing this with me. You can either give me input on my battle plan and know what I'm trying to

00:50:21.540 accomplish so we can help each other in that. And, or you can do your own battle plan and then you

00:50:27.840 encourage and support me and then i encourage and support you what do you think would you be

00:50:32.600 interested she might say no she might say no that's that's your thing you do your thing but

00:50:36.960 you never know she might say yeah okay yeah i'd be interested and then you can create some meetings

00:50:41.840 to be able to do that so she can talk about her her own goal setting so you get her in that frame

00:50:46.460 of reference um and just so you're not lying because i don't advocate for lying to your wife

00:50:52.640 that's not a thing that you're actually doing in the iron council do it in the iron council get the

00:50:57.100 guys on your team and say, Hey guys, will you do this with your wife? I'm going to do this with my 0.99

00:51:00.760 wife, but will you do it with your wife too? Cause I don't want, I don't want you to lie 0.63

00:51:04.920 because if you're not doing an iron council and you tell her you are, that's lying and we don't

00:51:10.620 want to operate that way. So enlist other guys in the iron council, it'll benefit them too.

00:51:15.620 Yeah. I love it. All right. Phillip Nilsen, what has helped you improve self-awareness,

00:51:21.920 your self-awareness and how do you encourage self-awareness in others well the best thing

00:51:28.960 that i've done for self-awareness is after action reviews that's it it's it's a very simple process

00:51:34.540 i have five questions i ask myself generally it's so etched into the way i operate now it's not like

00:51:40.420 i sit down and write it on a piece of paper but um the first question is what did i get done

00:51:46.600 second question what did I not get done third question what did I do well fourth question

00:51:53.700 what did I not do well fifth question how would I handle myself in this situation next time or

00:51:59.420 what am I going to do moving forward so a great example of that was I had a conversation with

00:52:05.960 somebody and I was getting very frustrated because they told me that they wanted to

00:52:10.240 grow and develop and they had goals but they kept saying the same thing over and over again

00:52:14.940 and I think they were trying to hash through it but I got frustrated and lost my cool

00:52:19.000 and I went way too hard on them way too hard like inappropriately hard and that that evening I did

00:52:27.280 an after action review and I was like well okay what did I get done well I told him what I was

00:52:32.620 thinking so I guess I did that what did I not get done I don't think I motivated him which is what

00:52:37.680 I wanted to do yeah what what did I do well well I was honest and direct that was true what did I

00:52:44.740 not do so well i lacked any sense of tact and what will i do next time moving forward i'm going to be

00:52:52.320 more patient i'm going to let people work through their process the way they need to work through

00:52:55.840 it i'm going to give myself adequate time to have discussions like that so i don't feel rushed

00:53:00.060 and i'm going to show a little empathy for somebody who might be struggling in a way that i'm not

00:53:04.100 that's self-awareness that is the self-awareness exercise right there and if you do that every time

00:53:11.420 you have a conversation, an interaction, even this situation with talking with your wife about

00:53:16.980 her weight, go in, do your after action review, and that will build self-awareness more than

00:53:23.020 anything else. And the only other thing I would say to this is yes, self-awareness, but also it's

00:53:30.360 okay to ask the people in your circle how they perceive you, because that's going to give you

00:53:37.160 a perspective that it's going to be difficult for you to acknowledge yourself and so people might 0.97

00:53:42.120 say hey ryan you're direct but man you can be a dick sometimes and and i'm i know that about myself 0.98

00:53:50.360 now but years ago i didn't know that i was like what do you mean i'm a dick i'm just i want to 0.97

00:53:56.960 help these people like i'm trying to be honest and clear and direct with them they're like yeah

00:54:00.780 yeah I think you went a little overboard on it it's like oh I didn't realize and the only two

00:54:07.380 caveats that you need to make sure you you qualify with when you're asking other people

00:54:11.300 is do they know you and do they care about you

00:54:15.780 if they know you and they care about you then they might have some things to say about you

00:54:22.460 that will help you yeah I love that you know and I think Philip you can incorporate in you

00:54:29.100 into your after action reviews, asking the why, right? I mean, I, I think the, the most simplest

00:54:36.940 explanation of self-awareness is clarity between what occurred and what you made it mean.

00:54:44.500 It's, it's really getting down to the idea that you see the world through a lens

00:54:48.900 and what is the lens and always questioning why, oh, well, I had this conversation.

00:54:55.700 I was harsh on him. Why was I harsh on him? Oh, I was placing judgment. I was adding

00:55:03.200 interpretation and meaning on top of this, or, oh my gosh, she got totally upset when I asked 1.00

00:55:09.760 her about her workout. You could sit with that and just go, oh, she shouldn't. That's not self 0.98

00:55:16.540 awareness. Yeah. What's valuable is why did she get upset? What's the human condition? What caused

00:55:22.100 that to occur? Interesting. Get curious. Oh, she took what I said as an attack of her unique

00:55:30.960 values and individual. Okay, got it, right? The more we can get to this idea that humans are not

00:55:38.860 logical, we're emotional beings that use logic to justify the emotion after it occurs. We do this

00:55:48.360 all the time i'm at i'm mad this is why i'm mad and i use logic yeah most of us are not logical

00:55:56.440 we're emotional and so you need to understand what drives emotion and and be really curious

00:56:03.280 around it and so add incorporate that into your ar when people act a certain way or when you find

00:56:08.860 yourself of oh it should or should not be this way let go of that what do you mean should says who

00:56:14.700 where did that judgment come from why do you think it should be that way right where's that

00:56:20.280 rooted in and just understand this human condition i'm not saying you have to drag and i want to be

00:56:24.980 careful with this i'm not saying you have to drag yourself through your child childhood and

00:56:29.840 understand every traumatic thing no no i actually think that's a usually a waste of time for most

00:56:34.500 people i think what's really valuable is just understand what you're doing uh got it there's

00:56:40.840 a big difference between what occurred and what i made it mean is that true no it's not actually

00:56:46.040 that's an interpretation got it human condition how do i pivot how do i adjust how do i handle

00:56:52.080 it better yeah excellent let's take one more kip okay um i kind of want to like i'll kind of want

00:56:59.740 to pick one now pick one and then we'll eat art next week okay here here we go lee tark how do

00:57:06.940 you actually do shadow work i look it up and every everything every source tells me about young

00:57:14.380 and then says all you have to do is integrate your shadow but what do you actually do

00:57:19.680 well i think part of it is what kip just said self self-awareness self-assessment the stories

00:57:27.340 that you tell yourself you know so for example um if you fly off the handle every time somebody

00:57:37.400 critiques you and you do a little bit deeper work and to get tactical here

00:57:43.320 this is this is the journal that i use in writing and so if i have an experience like that i write

00:57:51.860 in my journal exactly what you said it's like hey i lost my cool today and i don't know why

00:57:56.660 um let's let's just start writing and figure it out and more often than not i can actually come

00:58:02.800 to the conclusion pretty quickly and typically it's respect for me i feel because that is what

00:58:10.440 love is for you and for most men by the way yeah right and so okay well why is that so important

00:58:18.480 for me in what ways when i was younger did i feel disrespected why why does my why does my default

00:58:25.580 go right there. Why, why does it do that? Oh, you know what? When I was a kid, this happened and

00:58:30.480 this happened and this happened and this happened. Okay. All right. So here's how you integrate it

00:58:35.420 now because wanting to be respected is not a bad thing. It's actually a great little motive for you

00:58:45.460 to be respectable. It's when we act negatively that it becomes a problem. Okay. So the shadow

00:58:54.460 work is then saying all right well if i want to be respected and i know that about myself most

00:59:00.660 people would say that shouldn't be important to me and so they bury it down and they pretend as

00:59:04.160 if it's not and they let it make it wrong bubbling up right yeah and then it's going to bubble up

00:59:09.520 because that's your internal hardwiring is i want to be respected so instead of saying it's wrong

00:59:15.340 maybe say okay well what do i need to do to be a respectable person

00:59:22.320 in what ways do i communicate effectively with people in what way how does my body look how does

00:59:30.360 my appearance what does my clothing say about me what is my status what is my car what is this what

00:59:35.280 does all of this say about me and start picking out things to improve and work on because the

00:59:40.280 natural result is having more respect another one that a lot of people deal with and i deal with

00:59:46.540 this to a degree is I don't like being alone. And so I'll go try to chase relationships that

00:59:56.620 aren't healthy for me. Um, I will seek validation. And so I've spent a lot of time with my journal

01:00:05.400 saying, okay, why is validation so important to me? Why is not being alone so important to me?

01:00:12.520 oh is it because you had three stepfathers come well your dad and then two stepfathers come into

01:00:19.360 your life who you feel like abandoned you i wonder if that has anything to do with it

01:00:24.660 it's like a light bulb moment right yeah oh and then your mom was the only permanent fixture in

01:00:33.180 your developmental years does it make sense that you're seeking the validation from women knowing

01:00:39.580 that your source of life and sustenance came from the only permanent fixture in your young life,

01:00:47.700 your mom, like that's pretty important to know. And now you can start doing something with that

01:00:53.880 information. It doesn't make you bad. You can just say, okay, well, why am I chasing this?

01:00:58.920 Why do I need these people to validate me? What is it about being alone? Maybe I should try being

01:01:03.960 alone more and so you actively try to be alone yeah you spend the day by yourself engaged in a

01:01:10.500 project or a meaningful activity or a hobby and you start working on those things not to

01:01:16.160 push all of that stuff aside because somebody along the line told you you shouldn't be validated

01:01:22.020 by other people and you should be able to be alone by no this is part of who i am and that's

01:01:27.600 integrating the shadow into the way that you show up into constructive powerful positive ways

01:01:33.360 yeah and i think that's the key man that's the key is is the curiosity and the other

01:01:39.340 understanding of it all but don't beat yourself up and oh i shouldn't be this way and then get

01:01:46.940 all sideways just because you're doing the work right like that's not the the intent and i i have

01:01:52.820 a tendency and i think most men have a tendency to do that right it's like why shouldn't feel this

01:01:57.360 way it's like stop that now now you're going all sideways in a different way it's like i just be

01:02:02.480 curious. Oh, that's interesting that I have this thing around validation. What do I do with it?

01:02:06.460 Try it out. Like get a little bit lighter about the shadow work kind of stuff. I think too,

01:02:12.540 I think we almost make it too serious. I don't know. How do you feel about this? Like I almost

01:02:18.340 feel like we should be laughing a little bit, right? And it's like, oh, well that makes sense.

01:02:22.440 Well, that's kind of quirky, but I see why, why I do that. Okay. Interesting. Well, how do I play

01:02:28.160 with that? How do I navigate that a little bit instead of just a judgment of it? It's like,

01:02:33.180 well, it shouldn't be this way. Well, deal with it, man. That's the way you are. Can't change

01:02:38.300 your past. You've inherited some weird things. So try out some things, experiment a little bit,

01:02:43.840 see what works, see what doesn't keep learning, keep growing. You know, I mean, I even look at

01:02:49.140 this in the context of let's take body types, you know, let's take, um, jujitsu, you know,

01:02:55.580 you have guys who are like tall and lanky and they play a certain kind of jujitsu they might

01:03:01.540 not be necessarily the strongest necessarily but they've got these limbs that can control

01:03:08.040 distance better than than anything else and then you might have another guy who's as wide as he is

01:03:13.480 tall and he plays a pressure game yeah yeah and he has no neck but he's yeah it just like slides

01:03:22.960 off from his shoulders up to the top of his head just slides off it's like a triangle jay gerdulo

01:03:28.880 just a triangle um but but that guy learns how to play a different game he doesn't say like i'm not

01:03:36.980 good at this because i don't have long limbs he's like oh i don't have long limbs so i'm gonna learn

01:03:41.200 this game instead and the guy who has long limbs is like man i wish i was like shorter more compact

01:03:47.660 and i could deal with people inside except for that he could manage distance way better than

01:03:52.500 somebody who who's got to play close because he can't reach if he's too far away yeah it's you've

01:04:00.420 just got to learn about yourself and like you said instead of making a bad story about it the

01:04:05.580 shouldn'ts and all that kind of stuff learn the game of yourself i know what i'm good at i'm really

01:04:12.380 good at turning difficult complex concepts into simple easy to digest concepts i'm really good

01:04:19.400 at moving from the 30,000 foot view

01:04:23.020 to getting into dirt and actually doing the work.

01:04:25.740 Those are things that I'm good at.

01:04:27.640 And there's things that I'm not so good at.

01:04:29.640 And I'm okay with that.

01:04:30.480 I just need to make sure I surround myself

01:04:32.360 with people who have that skillset

01:04:35.380 that I might be lacking.

01:04:37.060 There is one other comment I wanna make

01:04:38.760 on the shouldn't thing.

01:04:42.100 I agree with you that it's,

01:04:46.280 you shouldn't, when people say,

01:04:48.020 well i shouldn't feel this way who says who says you shouldn't be angry who says you shouldn't feel

01:04:52.280 impatient who like you feel that way it just is what it is but there is one thing where you should

01:04:57.640 and should not do and this is a good indicator if you're healthy or not you should not do certain

01:05:04.540 behavior based on how you might feel about yourself or how you might feel in the moment

01:05:10.780 so if i'm angry maybe there's a reason for me to be angry but there's behavior that i should do

01:05:18.920 and there's behavior i shouldn't do and if i keep doing the behavior based on that emotion

01:05:24.140 that i shouldn't do that's a sign of unhealthy mental and emotional resilience and regulation

01:05:31.820 yeah yeah and you're not operating in that pause and we talk about that in iron council quite a

01:05:37.020 bit too right it's just like pause a little bit don't be reactionary is that right don't be

01:05:42.360 reactionary respond don't react yeah yeah i had a i had a interesting situation with my son i

01:05:52.420 haven't even told him this i should probably tell i should tell him this but i won't say what it is

01:05:58.560 until i talk with him but i jumped to a conclusion about something a behavior of his

01:06:06.100 and i was really upset like i was actually hurt by it i wasn't i wasn't mad i was hurt more than

01:06:14.460 anything else and in a moment of clarity i said you know what that's fine i can be hurt like this

01:06:23.400 is out of character for him i don't know what's going on but i'm just gonna be hurt and i'm not

01:06:29.460 gonna bring it up right away i will bring it up but my knee-jerk reaction kip you know this about

01:06:34.460 me is like bring it up right away go figure it out let's address it now yeah and i'm like no no

01:06:39.420 hold on like this like i said this is out of character this doesn't seem like him let me back

01:06:43.660 up so i backed up i didn't call him i didn't put any i did i did nothing with the information other

01:06:49.680 than just sit with it personally and several hours later maybe two three hours later uh he

01:06:58.580 called me up and he's like hey dad i wanted to tell you something and he told me the thing that

01:07:03.980 I, that he didn't tell me before that I was heard about. And he told me, and he, and he explained

01:07:09.920 why, why he didn't tell me right away, which made total sense. Like he was working and he had, he

01:07:16.600 had a perfectly justifiable reasons. And I was like, Oh shit. I'm so glad I didn't react. I'm 1.00

01:07:25.380 so, because what he said, I'm like, Oh, that makes total sense. It cleared everything up,

01:07:29.720 But I gave him the space and myself the space just to breathe it in a little bit, totally out of character for me, totally out of character for him, which didn't add up.

01:07:39.000 And it ended up being a really powerful learning experience.

01:07:42.140 Now, that's me.

01:07:43.280 I'm a knee-jerk reaction guy.

01:07:47.120 I'm just built that way.

01:07:48.860 Others are – I'm a fight kind of guy.

01:07:51.900 Other guys are flight kind of guys where they're like, just get at it.

01:07:55.160 I'm going to take a pause.

01:07:56.080 I'm going to step back.

01:07:56.780 I'm not going to engage.

01:07:57.600 And that person might need to take a little bit of a page out of my playbook and be a little more assertive.

01:08:03.740 So it just depends on your own personality and how you can grow and round yourself out.

01:08:09.000 I love that story because by you giving him space, it almost allowed him to come around on his own without feeling pressured by you to address the issue.

01:08:22.020 He didn't even know there was an issue.

01:08:24.200 Yeah, but I love the power of it.

01:08:26.500 And it means more to you.

01:08:29.820 If you pressed him and responded, it's, oh, he's responding because I pressured him.

01:08:34.480 True.

01:08:35.000 Yeah.

01:08:35.240 Good.

01:08:35.600 Versus he just came to you.

01:08:36.980 You're like, oh, now it's more genuine response.

01:08:39.940 Yeah.

01:08:40.360 Cause it's not out of any action of your own, which is just fascinating.

01:08:44.040 You know?

01:08:44.920 Yeah.

01:08:45.380 Good point.

01:08:46.120 Yeah.

01:08:46.940 But that's, I'm going to have that conversation cause I haven't told him that there's no reason

01:08:52.520 I wouldn't tell him.

01:08:53.280 In fact, I should tell him.

01:08:54.260 So I'm going to have that conversation with him tonight.

01:08:56.500 i love it i love it well here's your guys's call to action listening today right the men's forge

01:09:01.580 dot com this is our event next april 22nd through the 25th man and if you guys haven't seen the

01:09:10.440 video the video is probably what on youtube ryan it's on youtube it's also at the men's forge

01:09:16.020 dot com the video is right on that page too yeah so we had will will did like a recap video of of

01:09:23.040 last year's or the event this year just a couple months ago man it was so awesome the video is so

01:09:29.580 great gives a great synopsis of what the event is about uh and so you can get a really good

01:09:35.680 kind of an emotional feel for what it's going to be like when you uh join us next year um once

01:09:42.420 again that's themensforge.com april 22nd through the 25th and as always connect with mr mickler

01:09:48.440 on the socials, um, on X and Instagram at Ryan Mickler. Um, and always appreciate these questions,

01:09:56.060 man. I mean, these are really good questions. I don't know if you had a chance to listen to the

01:10:00.680 episode with Jay and I, like all the questions, but man, we, there was a couple of questions on

01:10:05.280 there that are really rough questions. And, and I say rough, maybe I should say it differently.

01:10:12.360 powerful questions deep yeah deeper powerful real questions legit questions and there's power in

01:10:20.560 that right because it serves all of us when we when we get a little bit more raw and and addressing

01:10:26.280 more critical issues it helps us helps us serve others you know i have actually noticed and this

01:10:33.040 has been a a reoccurring trend the quality of the question seems to be improving like i can't tell

01:10:38.540 you the last time i answered would you rather fight 100 ducks as horses or 10 horse-sized ducks 0.98

01:10:46.980 or whatever it's like we haven't got now we're going to get an influx of stupid questions i'm 0.98

01:10:52.360 sure but like the depth of of the questioning speaks to the intelligence and the depth of the 0.97

01:11:00.800 men who tune in which i love because that's what we're trying to do here so it's pretty it's pretty

01:11:05.440 cool to hear. Yeah, absolutely. All right, guys. Well, great questions. As Kip said, Kip, I

01:11:11.780 appreciate you being back. It's always way better doing this together than doing it alone. So I

01:11:16.060 appreciate you. Um, again, the men's forge, check it out. And, uh, we'll be back on Friday until

01:11:22.260 then go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to

01:11:28.120 the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you

01:11:32.940 were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - June 10, 2026

Raising Boys in an Effeminate World, Self-Awareness Strategies, and Paying the Price of Success ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript