Order of Man - Re-Write Your Fatherhood Story

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:04.960 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.340 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.080 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.600 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.

00:00:27.400 I'm your host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast movement. Welcome here today.

00:00:31.700 This is your Friday Field Notes. I want to share with you something about fatherhood. A lot of us

00:00:37.100 are fathers or aspiring fathers or soon-to-be fathers, and it's a challenge. If you're a father,

00:00:43.760 you know as well as I do how challenging it can be at times. I think all of us, I hope all of us,

00:00:49.600 if you're listening to this podcast, I imagine that's the case, that we want to be better fathers.

00:00:54.380 We want to lead our children. We want to serve them. We want to help them grow into

00:00:58.140 self-sustaining, responsible, contributing members of society. I figured I'd share something

00:01:04.160 with you today. Before we do, number one, just want to let you know that Order of Man

00:01:08.940 is a resource dedicated to reclaiming and restoring masculinity. We live in this society,

00:01:14.960 and this is more true than it was eight years ago when I started, that dismisses, undermines,

00:01:20.900 rejects, mocks, masculinity, and manliness. My goal is to help restore manliness and masculinity

00:01:28.900 to its rightful place. We do that via this podcast. We've got our exclusive brotherhood,

00:01:33.860 the Iron Council, which by the way, is open right now. It's open for enrollment for the

00:01:37.980 next couple of days. We've got our events and all the things that you can check out at

00:01:43.320 orderofman.com. All right, guys, before I get into the rest of it, I want to let you know,

00:01:48.140 as I mentioned, the Iron Council is open. That's our exclusive brotherhood. Rather than me tell you

00:01:53.800 how great this is, let me share something with you. One of our members who is one of our solid

00:02:01.040 members, and he didn't give me express permission to share this, so I'll leave it as anonymous and

00:02:06.900 I'll leave a few things out here, but I want to share this testimony that he had posted in the

00:02:11.760 Foundry, which is where we do a lot of our work in the Iron Council. He says,

00:02:15.500 Afternoon, men, I wanted to share a huge win for me. Today, I accepted the position of,

00:02:20.660 and I'll leave that blank because I'm trying to keep this anonymous. I accepted the position of

00:02:25.740 blank. This has been in the works for a while, but everything became official today. Before

00:02:30.920 finding Ryan and this movement, I never would have had the mindset to effectively lead others.

00:02:37.420 The drive and support I get from the men in this group is something that's hard to put into words.

00:02:42.260 I am not going to tag everyone who has been a big part of pushing me, but you know who you are.

00:02:48.040 As I said in another post, trust the process and enjoy the ride. So that comes from one of our

00:02:54.900 members inside of the Iron Council. And I've got hundreds and probably thousands at this point

00:03:01.440 of comments and testimonials and thoughts about what we've been able to do inside of our exclusive

00:03:10.100 brotherhood, the Iron Council. I'm looking at my calendar right now. It is, as of the release of

00:03:15.600 this podcast, the 30th. So we're going to leave it open for one more day. So that puts us into the

00:03:22.100 first. So if you want to join the Iron Council, head over to orderofman.com slash Iron Council,

00:03:27.280 orderofman.com slash Iron Council. That's it. That's it by way of announcements. Let's get into

00:03:33.200 the conversation. I made a post on Facebook and let me just pull this up because this is really

00:03:37.880 important. I think a lot of the times we look at even subconsciously how our relationship is with

00:03:44.920 our fathers. And we, again, even subconsciously tend to operate our lives very much the same way as it

00:03:52.780 comes to our fatherhood. Most of us have goals and desires and ambitions to be better than our

00:03:57.800 fathers were. But if you're anything like me, we tend to default back to the way that our father

00:04:03.020 showed up for us. So I wrote this post in Facebook the other day. Here it is. I spent Father's Day in

00:04:08.720 Hawaii last week with my oldest son, and I can't think of a better way to spend Father's Day

00:04:12.620 than making memories I wish I would have had as a kid. Remember dads, it doesn't matter where you come

00:04:18.420 from. It matters where you're going. Your relationship with your father is a factor in how

00:04:23.980 you build a relationship with your children, but it's not the only factor. Choose a narrative about

00:04:29.680 your father that serves your children. Nothing is as real as we make up in our minds. It's all

00:04:36.040 perception of what we experience. So choose your perception and let it guide you to be the father

00:04:41.360 you're capable of being. You can become your father for better or worse, or you can carve a new path

00:04:47.380 to the type of dad you want to be for your kids. I had to let go of many of the negative perceptions

00:04:52.780 of the relationship I had with my father before I freed myself to be a better one to my children.

00:04:59.100 I had to take him off the superhuman pedestal I had placed him on, excuse me, and see him as a human,

00:05:06.820 same as you and I. Once I did, I experienced a lot of healing in that relationship and gave myself

00:05:11.820 permission to chart a new path. It's not easy. I still struggle with that from time to time.

00:05:16.820 But it's worth the journey for me and my kids. Keep getting after it, dads. You matter.

00:05:23.860 So I felt that was important to share because I think a lot of the times we

00:05:28.540 have, at least in my experience and at least with the conversations I've had with men,

00:05:34.420 we have some real challenging thoughts and ideas towards and directed at our fathers.

00:05:40.640 They weren't always there the way we wanted them to be. And even if they were,

00:05:43.820 it seems like at times they fell short or maybe you had a completely

00:05:47.360 horrible relationship with your father, or maybe you had no relationship at all because he just

00:05:53.600 wasn't present. And what I think we tend to do as men and humans in general is we concoct these

00:05:59.140 stories about our fathers or the people that were supposed to do certain things that didn't,

00:06:04.180 and they failed to meet our expectations. And we hold that over their heads. And

00:06:07.420 the problem with doing that is that we continue to bring their baggage or the perception of the

00:06:13.680 baggage. Maybe it's not even baggage, but our perception of baggage into the current reality.

00:06:18.160 And then it hinders us and it hurts our relationships that we're trying to build with

00:06:22.400 other people. So what I want to suggest to you today, and this one will be fairly short,

00:06:27.240 is that you aren't your dad. You aren't your father and you aren't destined to be him. You

00:06:32.820 aren't destined to show up the same way that he does. It might feel that way. There's many things

00:06:37.440 about my life where, especially as it relates to fatherhood, that I feel that way with my divorce,

00:06:44.680 with even some of the strained elements of the relationship I have with my kids. I'm like,

00:06:48.900 man, am I just repeating and following in my father's footsteps? No, I'm not. I'm not.

00:06:55.760 Because I've decided that I am not going to follow that path and I'm going to do something

00:07:00.200 different. Now, some of you have great fathers. And if you do, I commend you. I'm excited for

00:07:04.800 you. I'm glad for you. And you should take what he's taught you and you should take how he showed

00:07:08.720 up and you should mimic and replicate what he did for you with your children. But if you don't have

00:07:15.660 that, it isn't an opportunity to self-destruct. It isn't an excuse or permission slip to be

00:07:21.080 a crappy father. It's something that it's your battle. It's your challenge. It's your adversity.

00:07:27.600 It's your trial to overcome that. So, how do we do this? Well, number one, we got to recognize

00:07:32.340 that our dads aren't superhuman. And guys, they aren't. They aren't superhuman. They aren't that

00:07:39.060 godlike figure that we saw in them when we were children. They're not that. They're humans. And as I

00:07:49.180 look in the mirror every single morning and I realize how much more I look like my dad,

00:07:53.780 the memory of my dad, every single day, I have to remember that as I am human, he was human and he

00:08:01.640 had struggles and challenges and hardship. And I will have those as well. But taking our fathers off

00:08:07.240 the pedestal and turning them into men, which is to say they're human beings, not godlike figures.

00:08:14.240 Number two is be realistic about what elements of who your father was that you want to implement

00:08:19.860 into your life as a father and what elements you choose to reject. And you get to choose. You get to

00:08:24.420 decide. That's the beauty of being a human being. You have sovereignty. You have control over how you

00:08:30.520 want to show up. Now, we don't have control over everything, of course, but we have control of the way

00:08:35.760 that we want to show up. And because we have control of the way that we show up, we get to decide,

00:08:42.320 am I going to be this type of father or am I going to be that type of father? Am I going to respond

00:08:46.900 to these situations in this way? Or am I going to respond to those situations in that way?

00:08:51.720 We get to decide. Too many of us are living the path of least resistance, which means that we're

00:08:57.960 just going to let default scripts of our lives operate or dictate the way that we show up for

00:09:03.060 our children. And we're not being thoughtful and we're not being considerate and we're not

00:09:06.440 considering how we want to show up for our kids and what that means and what that will mean between

00:09:12.600 the relationship between ourselves and them. And also not considering how that's going to

00:09:18.600 manifest or play out in their own lives when they become fathers and mothers. But you get to decide.

00:09:25.680 Number three, I would suggest to you is that we have to review the work that we're doing.

00:09:30.500 If you're not taking time every single day to analyze your performance as a father,

00:09:35.160 you are going to leave performance on the table. There are things that you can do better.

00:09:40.020 There are ways that you can show up more fully. There's ways that you can show up more effectively.

00:09:44.080 And if you're not doing the review process, like how did I show up today? How connected was I with

00:09:48.860 my kids? What could I have done better? What did I do poorly at? Tomorrow when I spend time or when I

00:09:54.320 wake up or when they spend time with me, what am I going to do differently? How am I going to show up?

00:09:58.500 Guys, review these things. It's painful at times because you're going to recognize that you're not as good

00:10:03.900 as you'd like to be. But if you want to be that good, then you have to recognize where you're

00:10:08.100 deficient. I fall short every single day, every single day I fall short. And I don't want to

00:10:13.960 revisit the failures and the mistakes and the things that I've said that I shouldn't have said

00:10:17.520 or the ways I've behaved that I shouldn't behave. But I do because I want to get better and I want

00:10:23.060 to improve. Yet the last thing I want to share with you as far as how to become a better father

00:10:29.700 is to think about what your kids need. You know, sometimes we're so reactive. Our kids do

00:10:38.580 something we don't like, or maybe they poor performance or, you know, even if they get hurt

00:10:43.100 or scraped or banged up or whatever, and we react. And I've done podcasts multiple at this point about

00:10:49.580 reacting versus responding, but we react to the way that they operate in life. And it's frustrating at

00:10:56.440 times, right? They're little kids. You know, I have four kids from the ages of 15 down to seven

00:11:02.240 years old. They're, they're kids, they're, they're children and they don't behave like adults. And even

00:11:07.780 adults don't behave like adults at times. And what I tend to do is I tend to be reactionary at times

00:11:14.460 because I'm busy or I'm stressed out or you know, I see the way that they should behave and they're

00:11:20.560 not behaving. So there's the discrepancy there and we react and we don't take into consideration

00:11:26.680 that maybe the way that we're reacting to the environment and them is not really helping them,

00:11:31.160 but it's hindering them. It's hurting them mentally, physically, emotionally, perhaps.

00:11:35.300 So what I would suggest to each and every one of us, not just you, myself included, is that we take a

00:11:39.400 step back in those moments and we ask, what is it that my children need in this moment? And not right

00:11:44.980 now, not right now, because if you ask what they need in this moment right now, it's to play a video

00:11:49.940 game and to go to sleep and you know, all these things that maybe not are in their best interest

00:11:54.700 over, over the long haul. So what is it that need from me over the long haul that's going to enhance

00:12:01.600 and better their life? And sometimes that might mean that they need to toughen up a little bit if they

00:12:07.940 fall off the steps or fall off the trampoline or, you know, get a little boo-boo or an owie. It's like,

00:12:13.880 okay, well, you know, this is a time to show some resilience and get back up, wipe yourself off and

00:12:18.660 get back to what you were doing. Or is there a moment where they might be dealing with some sort

00:12:23.800 of mental or emotional struggle or challenge at school or with their mother or just life,

00:12:31.220 a friend or life in general. And that's an opportunity for you to sit down with them and

00:12:34.700 put your arm around them and have a real good conversation about what they might be dealing

00:12:38.220 with. It's not a strong suit of mine. Empathy is something I can definitely work on and focus on.

00:12:43.480 And this is something I really am trying to focus on for the remainder of the year is being more

00:12:47.980 empathetic, not only to my children, but the other people in my life. And also to those of you who

00:12:52.560 listen to this podcast and engage in what we're doing. That doesn't mean that I'm going to coddle

00:12:56.560 you. That doesn't mean I'm going to baby or bubble wrap my children, but be more empathetic to what

00:13:01.460 they might be dealing with because I want to respond appropriately. Guys, we are not our fathers.

00:13:07.620 And you might look in the mirror and see your father's image in that mirror. It reminds me of,

00:13:12.980 I think it's on Lion King where he looks in and he sees himself, but it's very similar to his dad,

00:13:21.160 Mufasa. We see that. I see that every single day. I look in the mirror. I'm like, oh my goodness. I

00:13:25.560 look just like my dad. And in times of my life, I had engaged just like my dad did in the ways that

00:13:32.240 weren't always conducive to a good and healthy relationship between us. But in those moments,

00:13:37.680 I have an opportunity to choose, to choose how I show up, to rewrite my own fatherhood story,

00:13:45.060 to put a period on the end of the relationship with my father. And I only say that because he's

00:13:49.880 passed away, but that relationship will continue, or at least the lessons of that relationship will

00:13:56.940 continue. And that I can rewrite a new story. One that I think I wish I would have had one that

00:14:04.600 would have been more conducive to my own personal growth. You can be that individual. And you can be,

00:14:11.920 as I believe Ed Milet says, the one, the one in your family who changes the generations of struggle

00:14:21.200 and adversity and toil and not showing up and not being mentally and emotionally and physically present.

00:14:27.300 You can be that one if you decide, if you decide to do something. Because again, as I said,

00:14:34.020 when I started this podcast, the path of least resistance, the default pattern is to revert back

00:14:38.760 to the way that your father showed up for you. We're not going to revert guys. And we're not going

00:14:44.220 to ever, ever in any capacity, fatherhood as a husband, as a business owner, as a leader in our

00:14:49.980 communities, we're never going to default to patterns that are not effective without giving

00:14:55.920 them consideration. So consider the relationship between you and your father, and then consider the

00:15:01.880 relationship that you want to have with your son and or your daughters, and then act accordingly.

00:15:07.660 Guys, we have an opportunity to do things powerfully here, but we have to be deliberate. We have to be

00:15:12.360 intentional and we have to show up the way that we think is going to serve them best and accomplish

00:15:16.460 the mission, which is again, to raise self-sufficient, strong, capable adults. I hope that helps guys.

00:15:24.780 If you have additional questions, resources, ideas, considerations, please let me know. Hit me up

00:15:29.120 in an email, ryanatorderman.com. The best place to connect with me is on Instagram

00:15:34.320 at Ryan Michler, M-I-C-H-L-E-R. Also, as I started the podcast, we have the Iron Council. I shared that

00:15:42.720 testimonial with you from one of our members about achieving a promotion, and he's giving a lot of

00:15:47.780 credit to not just me, but his team, the guys inside the Iron Council that are helping hold him

00:15:53.320 accountable to the path. You can check that out at orderman.com slash Iron Council. All right,

00:15:58.820 guys, that's the message I have for you today. Make it a great Friday, and we will be back on

00:16:04.220 Tuesday for another interview. Until then, go out there, take action, and let's all become the man

00:16:09.080 we are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take

00:16:14.120 charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order

00:16:18.720 orderofman.com.

Order of Man - June 30, 2023

Re-Write Your Fatherhood Story ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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