Rebuilding Trust, Deep Networking, and Raising Boys and Girls ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 3 minutes
Words per Minute
198.90862
Summary
In this episode of the Ask Me Anything podcast, Kip and I talk about what it means to be a man and what it takes to be one. We also talk about the importance of being a man of action and how to deal with the challenges life throws your way.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.
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This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.
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At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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We were just talking about it last Ask Me Anything. We went for an hour and 45 minutes.
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I think we kind of just came to the conclusion that we're trying to keep these things to about an hour, right?
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Yeah. I don't know how we lost track of time that much.
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I guess just these conversations are so riveting that time just flies, you know?
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Yeah, all those suckers that listened to the last AMAs are like, I'm never listening to one of those again.
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I don't know, though. I listen to it again, and people make fun of me.
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They're like, you listen to your own podcast? I'm like, yeah, absolutely I do.
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Because I want to know, right? I want to know where I need to improve and where I need to get better
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and what questions I may have missed or opportunities that I overlooked.
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And so, yeah, I'm listening to it, and I pull it up, and it's an hour and like 45 minutes.
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I'm like, whoa, I didn't realize it was that long.
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Yeah. What's funny about listening to previous podcasts is, because my wife gives me crap about the same thing.
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I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, well, it's good for me to critique kind of how I'm speaking,
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but sometimes I lose myself in listening, and I start like laughing.
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I like laugh at my own jokes. I'm like, I'm so lame.
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I even know what I'm going to say, and I still think it's...
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And it's still funny. You're like, I am good. I'm good at this podcasting thing.
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All right, man. Should we just jump right into it?
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Hey, for those of you guys who don't know, we do this every week.
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And one thing I would also suggest to you as well is that if you're not following us
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or connected or subscribed or whatever the term is on YouTube, that you get that done
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We're going to do a lot more video in 2019, and I think we've done the last three or four
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Ask Me Anything podcast episodes on YouTube, and we've got a lot of good feedback from it.
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Guys like the interaction and the format, so if you're interested in video,
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just head to youtube.com slash order of man, and you'll find this exact episode in video format.
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And you can see all the order of man swag that you can order from the store.
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That's right. I got my hat on. You're not representing today.
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You had your Iron Council jacket on, but outside of that, I'm a little disappointed.
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I told you what would happen if you were your order of man swag.
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You'd sell more and make more money and all the other things.
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And then it's like this old long, drawn-out question to explain.
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All right. Well, let's jump into this thing today.
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I was having a debate. In fact, I'm going to bring this up real quick.
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I was having a debate with a friend of mine about the length of shows
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and whether or not we owe it to our audience to get right into it.
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And he said that it's the responsibility of the creator of podcasts in this case
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to get to the meat of the information as quickly as possible.
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And I would agree with that for the person that's interested in that.
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But I would disagree with that for the person who may appreciate a little banter
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or more conversational than just jumping right into the meat of the thing.
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So, I'm actually really curious what you guys who are listening would say.
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Do you like the longer format where Kip and I go back and forth?
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Or do you just want us to get right into questions as quickly as possible?
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I imagine it's mixed, which is why we have the Friday Field Notes
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because that's a little bit shorter and it just gets right into it.
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We've got this where we have this conversation and the interviews.
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And I don't even say interviews anymore, but conversations.
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I'm just really curious on what format you like and why.
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So, drop me a line on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook or an email, whatever.
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I'd be really curious what you guys have to say
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because we want to make sure that we're serving you best.
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Yeah, it'd be interesting to hear what people say.
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We could go, you know, look at the first question.
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What's the vitamins and supplements you recommend?
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Which sometimes there's validity to that too, though.
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Sometimes like the quick answer is the right answer.
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I think sometimes we just have a tendency of rattling on and on and on and on.
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But I think at the end of the day, what it does is it waters down and it excuses our behavior
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or it just confirms what we already knew we should be doing in the first place.
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I see that a lot in the Order of Man Facebook group.
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and they'll actually answer their own questions in the post itself.
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I'm like, dude, you already answered the question.
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Just throw some balls and like follow through on what you know you should be doing.
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And look, knowing what you should do, knowing the path and the course that you should take,
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And you know those guys are doing that when they have this whole backstory.
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This story will justify a different answer than what I think.
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So let me give you this story and you're like, guess what?
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If somebody in the group says something to the effect of,
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The longer it is, the more to your point, you're excusing away your behavior.
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Just tell us what the deal is and we'll see if we can point you in the right direction.
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But that is one of the things that I appreciate about the Iron Council a little bit more is,
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for lack of a better term, we've conditioned these guys not to excuse away their behavior.
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And so they're not giving us the story because we frankly flat out say,
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But they don't matter a lot when it comes to trying to excuse away your behavior.
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We all deal with the same things for the most part.
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And I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that a lot of the responses are principle
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And when the answer to an issue is principle based, guess what?
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The principle is applicable regardless of the backstory, regardless of anything else.
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So I guess the moral of the story is don't just, just do what you know you need to do.
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Answer your own problems, solve your own problems and execute, take action on it.
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I mean, maybe, maybe I think there's some circumstances where you might need that, you know, if you're
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But, but at the end of the day, like, I think the decisions that we're making, if you're
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I don't, I think just having the experience of, of going through the process will confirm
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Like, I don't, I don't think that I need a whole lot of confirmation from you or anybody
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And once you get the fundamentals right, then you can worry about these little intricacies
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People say that all the time in the money world too.
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There's like, Ryan, I just, and I'm not, I sold my practice.
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So I'm no longer a financial advisor, but they would say, you know what?
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I just want, you know, the best rate of return, like what's the best rate of return you can
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And I'd always ask, well, tell me what your savings and investment strategy is now.
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And they're like, oh, I'm not saving anything now.
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It's like, well, why don't I, like a hundred percent on zero is zero.
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So why don't you learn to like save some money first and then we can worry about, right.
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Pay off that credit card that has a huge interest rate.
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So Ryan Pardini, I've been very interested in learning how to hunt.
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I've never hunted in my life and I want to learn.
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I want to go, but I want to, but I want to make, make sure I do everything properly.
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You are, you're going to, it's going to happen.
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When you very first start, you're, you're going to be slow.
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You're not going to have things dialed in just right.
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And I think that we owe, especially when it comes to hunting, that we owe the animal,
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uh, our training and our, our reverence, I think is probably the right word when it comes
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to, you're actually out there stalking an animal and you're going to put an arrow or a bullet
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through that animal and take its life and then claim it and eat it.
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I think there's a lot of, uh, reverence that should be shown towards the wildlife and that
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So, yes, I do appreciate that you're trying to gain some knowledge and experience.
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Um, but just understand that it's not going to go perfectly and it's not going to all work
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My first hunt actually went really, really well, which was kind of a trap because my,
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So I, I was kind of slapped in the face with reality, but I think there's plenty of information
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Uh, there's, there's guys who are hunters, there's TV shows about hunting that you could
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There might even be organizations or gun clubs or hunting clubs in your area that you can
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get involved with where you can start to become friends with these individuals.
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Uh, and, and I've gone out on hunts with friends where I didn't even have a tag.
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So I had a friend, uh, this was probably four or five months ago.
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He called me up and I asked him what he was up to.
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And he said, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm going on a hunt in, uh, whenever he was going and it's
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And so I just went out with him and two or three of his other buddies.
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And I didn't even have my, my firearm or anything with me or my bow and just went out and
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So find people who are doing it, uh, find people online, go through courses, see if there's a
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Cause a lot of these guys who are shooting are also going to be hunters.
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So there's a lot of little resources, but you're going to have to exercise some assertiveness
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in it and really put yourself in an environment where these hunters are.
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Uh, maybe there's conferences that you can go to, but there there's things out there.
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If you really want to do it, you'll find a way to make it happen.
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What I'm hearing though, is don't, don't think you're going to get it perfect.
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And, and you're definitely not just, you want to like, you want everything to go right.
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Because again, the last thing you want to do is wound an animal.
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I'd rather not take a shot than take a shot and wound an animal and never be able to recover
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So there's, there's, there's a seriousness about what it is that we're doing when we're
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out in the field hunting for an animal and it deserves your, uh, your respect and it
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deserves your training so that you can do it successfully, but it's hunting.
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So things are going to go wrong and it's going to be a challenge.
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Ian Mason, what are some essential vitamins or supplements that you have found?
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Um, I don't, I've never really big, been big into the supplemental thing, but I actually
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I know you guys have probably heard me talk about origin on the podcast.
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Um, but the way they formulate their supplements and it's, it's partnered up with, uh, with
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Jocko Willink, but they do the mulk, which is their protein.
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Uh, they have a new, uh, nootropic they just introduced, uh, which was incredible.
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Like I felt an immediate reaction to that in a positive way.
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Uh, they've got their super krill, uh, then their joint warfare, which was really good for
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me, um, especially as I was getting started in jujitsu, cause my joints were really hurting.
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You know, there's a lot of pressure on, on your joints and your arms and your knees and
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Um, and, and I've implemented those in, in my regimen.
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Um, but I don't get too carried away with the supplements.
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I, I, I figure that, and this comes back to our point that we made earlier about, um,
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about, uh, you know, like getting the fundamentals, right?
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Like people are worried about supplements and yet they get most of their food at Burger King.
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There's no supplement that's going to make up for that.
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You know, eat, eat, eat meats, eat vegetables, drink lots of water.
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And once you start pinning that stuff down, then you can add to that, right?
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Then you can enhance what you're already doing.
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But I think a lot of people think, oh, if I just take a supplement, it'll make up for
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Yeah, I have a, I have a trainer, uh, he's a, um, old Jim Jones guy.
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And it's funny cause we, we talk about diet all the time.
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Like we want to kind of over engineer the process.
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Get your sugar input, you know, like just do the fundamental things first, you know,
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And like you said, it doesn't matter what supplements you're taking if you're still
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I think that over engineering, that's a really good term.
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I think we do that to excuse ourselves in a bit, in a way, right?
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We just, we, we, we complicate the process and we think that our story or our situation
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is so unique that we have to do something special.
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And really at the end of the day, what it causes you to do is to not take any action at
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all, because you might even be doing this subconsciously because if it's, if it's
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complex, then you have a reason for not doing it.
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But if it's simple, you have to look at the guy in the mirror and say, oh, this has been
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So it's, it's a lot, it's a lot harder to justify when it's simple, but when it's
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complicated, you're like, oh, well, it's complicated.
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Like it just takes time and we excuse away our behaviors and patterns.
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Well, and sometimes we make it so complicated that it becomes our boundary, our barrier.
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It ends up becoming an issue because we've made it so complex to, to actually accomplish
00:14:53.400
So do you think, uh, the joint wolf warfare has helped you with, uh, destroying little
00:15:08.720
So Ryan posted this picture on Instagram at, at Ryan Mickler, by the way, and it's pronounced
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We've known, we've known each other long enough.
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I'm not even going to, I'm not even going to entertain your stupid jokes.
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So he posted a picture yesterday and he's like, he's, he's playing dodgeball.
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And all of a sudden she pans over to the left and you see Ryan out there.
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And right then he like chucks this ball and like takes out this kid's legs.
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I mean, I hit both of his legs and he just did like a face plant.
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And then I had two balls and the kid behind it, I, he was, he was good.
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And I, so I threw it at the kid in front of him, dropped him, threw it at the kid behind
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him and he tried to catch it, but he couldn't catch it.
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You know what is like, I, we were at the bounce house.
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I think this is an important thing here that we talk about this.
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We're at the bounce house yesterday for my kids, my second's, uh, his birthday party.
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Cause it's good exercise and everything anyways.
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So we get there and there's literally two dozen parents there and all of them are in their
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little fancy high heels and they're tight little, they're tight little jeans and they're
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a cute little button up bejazzled button up shirts.
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You know, like when I knew we were going, I got my gym shorts on and my, like my, my dry
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Cause I knew I was going to go jump around with the kids.
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And I see these parents and they're all on their phones and they're so preoccupied with
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what they're doing and their kids are out there playing, having fun.
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And look, there's value in letting your kids interact with other kids.
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But I actually wonder how much of this spills over this, this lack of attention in their
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kids' lives spills over into other elements or aspects of the relationship.
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I think it's very indicative or at least telling of, of the relationship between kids and their
00:17:07.240
And I just thought, you know, I think it's really, really important that we, as parents
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And sometimes that means throwing dodge balls at kids and having fun.
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And yeah, I like, that's just something I like to do, man.
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And I have people say, oh, you're a bully or whatever.
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Like who else is going to put a kid in their place?
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I had some kids over for their birthday party and one of them was being a little turd.
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And I told him, I said, hey, don't act like that.
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You might be able to act like that at your house, but you don't act like that here.
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Like I see kids these days and I'm like, oh, like kids these days, but I see kids these
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Like there's nobody, everybody's so afraid to tell kids, okay, this is how you behave.
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These are the parameters in which you can operate.
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And if you fall out of these parameters, there's consequences of heaven forbid we do that.
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So I, uh, I deliver consequences in the form of red rubber dodge balls into the face and
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Nathan, uh, Federico, uh, how to rebuild trust a general guide.
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You know, you, you, you did something that what I assume that, that somebody is now questioning
00:18:46.240
So, and maybe rightfully so, frankly, I don't know what the situation was, but you rebuild
00:18:58.100
I wish it could be, I wish you could just say, Hey, you can trust me, but you proved otherwise
00:19:09.360
So when you say you're going to do something as simple as taking the trash out or checking
00:19:13.660
out of work at a certain time, or, you know, picking up something at the grocery store for
00:19:18.220
your wife or whatever these, even these little seemingly insignificant things, the more that
00:19:23.000
you do that over and over and over and over again, the more that you rebuild that trust.
00:19:28.680
It's the analogy I've heard before, not necessarily with trust, but other avenues.
00:19:32.500
And I think it applies here is think of, think of your trust as, as a bank account.
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And when you go into the bank and you ask the teller, how much money can I pull out of the
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They're going to say, well, let me pull it up and see how much is in here.
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What happens when, when you damage trust is you're, you're, you're making a withdrawal
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And your withdrawal may not have covered your deposits.
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And so you break that trust and you go bankrupt.
00:20:05.760
You start making deposits into that trust account again.
00:20:09.080
Keeping your word, honoring your commitments, following through on the things that you say
00:20:13.020
you're going to follow through on and rebuild what you have spent, quite frankly.
00:20:25.080
The minute you slip up, it's up, you know, Ryan, he didn't change.
00:20:33.320
You can't, you can't slip up and you already alluded to it.
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You have to, in your mind, you need to be extreme about it.
00:20:40.420
But the slightest little, I don't know, you, you got to be honest about everything.
00:20:53.080
I would say also be careful of pandering too, because you might feel like you're in the
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position where you need to make up for something.
00:20:58.600
And so you'll do things and compromise maybe your own sanity or wellbeing, um, just to like,
00:21:06.280
And I think that's a, I think that's a trap that you could potentially fall into.
00:21:14.340
So you, you, even though somebody else might not be able to, you have to wipe your slate
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You have to forgive yourself and say, okay, I messed up.
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I apologize or I rectified the situation to the best that I could.
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Now somebody else might have a different view, but that's the point that you need to take.
00:21:35.860
So don't dwell on that stuff and don't allow people to hold it over you either.
00:21:41.560
Well, remember when you did this, yes, I did that.
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And here's how I'm correcting the behavior moving forward.
00:21:47.340
So don't allow yourself to, to be railroaded either because, or, or blackmailed or what do
00:21:53.560
Because you, you've done this in the past, right?
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But now you just, you correct your behavior moving forward.
00:22:03.480
At the root of what you just said, Ryan, I think it's, why are you now going to be honest?
00:22:10.320
Like, like, uh, earning back trust should be the result of the new version of you.
00:22:19.460
But if your focus is, oh, I got to earn back trust.
00:22:22.580
Then where, where are you putting, uh, happiness and success in?
00:22:26.820
Then, that other person changing, you're, you're now building your identity around what
00:22:39.300
Maybe focus on transforming yourself and being that man that you should be.
00:22:44.300
And, and, and a bystander or a byproduct of that will be establishing or reestablishing
00:22:52.340
I, I think the way, the same thing when it comes to fitness and other aspects of our lives,
00:23:06.200
And you have to, uh, run and, and exercise and move your body.
00:23:12.480
We focus so heavily on the end result to your point.
00:23:15.220
Uh, and, and we forget about the tactics that we should be employing to achieve those
00:23:23.680
Uh, this is, this is a little lengthy and a, and a good question actually.
00:23:27.960
So, um, although I only read a portion of it just as we're, as you're speaking.
00:23:35.780
This may be long and a bit controversial, but I need advice.
00:23:41.860
While I know kids don't know everything, this situation is very complicated.
00:23:46.320
Our kid from the looks of it is a transgender and I don't know how to go about this, but
00:23:51.760
I know this is probably genetic and nothing to do with how we raised our kid due to the
00:23:56.340
fact that our kid has an uncle that turned and on their mom's side, mom wants to let
00:24:01.940
the kid wear and play what they want because she doesn't want our kid to suffer like her
00:24:07.300
I just don't know what the answer is or how to go about this in order to be the best dad
00:24:17.300
I don't, I don't want to be one of those parents on television who is so misunderstood,
00:24:22.220
made out to be indoctrinating their kids into being a transgender.
00:24:27.740
We're both conservative Christians who just aren't sure what would be the best way to go
00:24:32.580
about this because we have tried to discourage it for years until recently when we overheard
00:24:40.540
If they can't wake up as an, as another gender, please do not judge me.
00:24:55.020
Um, I haven't read these questions ahead of time, so I don't, I haven't really thought
00:25:00.600
about this, but maybe you have, maybe you can interject and I can think about it, but
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I would just say, raise your child in love and give them discipline and structure and
00:25:11.240
guidance and, um, you know, teach them right from wrong and teach them why it's important
00:25:16.660
to, I believe there's probably some biological issues in some, some situations.
00:25:23.000
I don't believe that every situation is like that.
00:25:25.160
I think sometimes, you know, being transgender or being gay, uh, is something that may be
00:25:35.840
Um, no, but again, that's, I don't believe that in every circumstance and I don't know
00:25:43.280
Maybe, maybe there's, maybe there's other people that you can talk with who have been through
00:25:46.960
Maybe there's some, some, uh, some medical, you know, help that you can get some, some coaching
00:25:59.000
I wish I could say, well, just treat them like a boy or treat them.
00:26:07.300
The only thing that comes to mind and, and I try to, um, bestow this on my kids on a regular
00:26:17.780
And I, and the, and the point that I try to make to them that I think it is applicable
00:26:21.980
to this is that you are defined by your choices and your actions always, and society is going
00:26:34.400
Uh, maybe this is a label or whatever, but in the end, in the end, what defines you as
00:26:45.660
Um, if I was defined about in regards to what my thoughts were, trust me, people would see
00:26:55.140
I have probably horrible thoughts on a regular basis and you know what I mean?
00:26:58.560
I'm trying to struggle and become a better person all the time.
00:27:01.060
If I was defined by that, then I want to be who I am.
00:27:06.020
And so I'd like to think that I'm defined by my actions and what, what, but what around
00:27:11.000
what I choose to do and what I try to do, um, and not be defined by labels or my thought
00:27:18.920
And so I would just try to reiterate that, that they decide, they decide how they're going
00:27:27.080
But I also think, yeah, I, yeah, I mean, I agree, but I also believe that it's healthy to
00:27:34.120
give our children parameters in which to operate.
00:27:37.140
And so, you know, the fact is, is this a, is this a boy?
00:27:52.780
If that's, if that's, you know, what he's born.
00:27:55.680
Um, and there's parameters in which you need to teach and coach and guide this child.
00:28:02.120
You know, I, I know, I know plenty of boys who they're not transgender.
00:28:08.980
I know, I know feminine men that aren't gay, that aren't transgender.
00:28:16.660
Um, but, but I do think it's really important that we teach our children these parameters in
00:28:23.260
And, and some people will say, well, then, you know, he's going to struggle.
00:28:29.320
This is a situation where if, if, uh, you decide to treat your son like a girl, he's
00:28:41.980
If, if you treat him like a boy, because he is a boy and he wants to be a girl, he's
00:28:48.940
This is a situation in which regardless of what you do, this child is going to struggle.
00:28:53.840
So it's your job to teach them love, kindness, compassion, grit, determination, fortitude,
00:28:59.040
all the virtues that we've been talking about here.
00:29:01.940
Um, and then talking about gender and boys and girls and why it's important and how,
00:29:07.340
how special it is to be a boy if you're a boy or how special it is to be a girl if
00:29:17.440
And I think that's where the labels come in that are like, uh, that I hate, I hate this.
00:29:26.200
Like you use the perfect example already is you said, well, I know feminine guys.
00:29:30.360
Well, guess what society does the minute they see a guy that's slightly feminine.
00:29:38.600
Well, maybe he's not actually, maybe he's just feminine a little bit.
00:29:43.400
And, and, and maybe, maybe he's not actually gay, but because the society in which he lives
00:29:50.580
And then he looks at himself and goes, oh, geez, well, maybe I am because everyone thinks
00:29:56.940
It's like, no, maybe I'm just kind of a feminine guy.
00:29:59.700
And the ideal girl for me is someone that's a little bit more masculine and domineering.
00:30:06.760
But we throw labels and then these guys feel like they have to fall into these labels sometimes.
00:30:10.380
Now I'm not saying that's the case with this kid, but I don't know.
00:30:13.460
It's something that the other side though, too, though, Kip is like some of these labels,
00:30:17.600
they, they're not even labels that are just the way we define it.
00:30:32.140
Those are the, those are the noises that we make with our mouths to describe that phenomenon.
00:30:43.260
It's just like, that's how we describe it so that we can't look.
00:30:47.000
I think we as humans are constantly trying to make sense of everything around us.
00:30:51.160
And the way that we make sense is by communicating those words.
00:30:54.440
By using the words so that we can understand and make sense of what is actually happening in our lives.
00:31:02.380
And I would say this is then, and it's on us as parents to teach our children that, to teach them to deal with that.
00:31:12.620
And I think we do ourselves and our children a disservice when we don't help them build up some emotional resiliency.
00:31:18.540
You know, like, like the other day, well, when we were at the bounce house, a bunch of kids were swearing and my son's like, dad, those kids were swearing.
00:31:26.160
I'm like, well, you've heard swear words before right now.
00:31:29.860
And I, and I told him, Hey guys, watch the language.
00:31:33.700
But at the same time, you're going to run across swearing.
00:31:40.120
That doesn't mean that we need to make those same choices or we need to use those words, but they're going to be exposed to it.
00:31:49.020
And I think that we need to do that as parents is like, Hey, look, people, there's going to be bullies.
00:31:54.640
There's going to be people that don't like you.
00:31:56.400
There's going to be people who disagree with you.
00:32:02.360
We really try to legislate it away and strip it away and do these little anti-bullying things.
00:32:08.660
But what you can do to assertively address this situation is help your children be comfortable enough where they know who they are and they can stand on their own two feet.
00:32:20.280
And when people mock and ridicule, whether it's because they're transgender or because they're gay or because any number of variables that could possibly play out, that they aren't as impacted by that as somebody who's never been taught to express some emotional intelligence and resiliency.
00:32:43.500
Well, and I think, and I think you did say this already, Ryan, but it just comes to mind is from Alex's perspective.
00:32:53.380
You make sure your kid knows that they are loved regardless.
00:33:03.560
It is controversial because I know people are going to hear this and say, well, you should let that child be a girl.
00:33:10.900
Well, it's like I used the analogy the other day is what was it?
00:33:22.520
My 15-year-old son said something like, oh, well, I know.
00:33:30.360
Would you go to school if we didn't force you to?
00:33:36.620
You don't know what the hell you're doing and you just get to listen.
00:33:45.400
If it were up to you, you'd play Fortnite every day and do nothing else.
00:33:51.560
So, no, you're not in a position to make any decent decisions.
00:33:55.240
That's why you're a minor and we're your parents.
00:34:06.840
I mean, I talk about this dismissal of masculinity, but I believe that there is this ultimate attack
00:34:13.460
I also believe there's an attack on the family unit.
00:34:16.480
And I think both of those pose a very, very serious threat to the fabric of society.
00:34:23.900
We can't let our kids do whatever they feel like doing.
00:34:30.580
It would be like the real life Lord of the Flies.
00:34:40.120
So, a lot of people say, well, it's healthy to allow them to express themselves fully.
00:34:43.260
Look, when they're out of the house, they can do whatever it is they feel like they want
00:34:46.700
But it's my job to teach them action and consequence.
00:34:49.080
And why we operate in these parameters and how it helps us actually be more successful.
00:34:55.980
Actually, it was, I now remember, it was a conversation around religion.
00:35:00.500
Around, oh, you know, I'm not sure if I believe in these things.
00:35:05.300
That's, well, like when I was younger, my mom made us go to church every single Sunday.
00:35:15.960
And that's what it was for me when I was younger.
00:35:20.480
Michael Charman, we're going to go from serious to even more serious.
00:35:33.800
It was funny the first hundred times I heard, like, because I did these Ask Me Anythings in
00:35:39.180
And that's the one people would always say that question.
00:35:42.040
And the other question they would ask is, oh, something about a.
00:35:51.380
And it's on some movie that somebody's going to mock me because I don't know what.
00:36:02.720
I'm like, okay, I've heard that, you know, 200 times now.
00:36:10.160
So the question is, do I skip these next two questions?
00:36:24.600
So Stan Michael, his comment is, why do your AMA podcast never apply to my special circumstances?
00:36:37.860
And someone else wants to ask why I'm not wearing a curvy brim.
00:36:51.740
What's the difference between raising a boy as opposed to a girl?
00:36:55.560
I had a recent argument with my sister because she feels that my five-year-old niece shouldn't
00:37:01.760
I introduced her to BJJ and I see her growth every week that passes by.
00:37:08.080
I actually, this is one question I saw and I like this question a lot because it's tough.
00:37:17.660
This may not be the definitive answer, but it's a good one.
00:37:20.460
I think is that I think that every child has the right to be raised in a family unit with both a mother and father present.
00:37:34.080
I believe that's critical because I can teach my children very much the same thing between my boys and my daughter.
00:37:42.780
I can teach them very much the same thing, how to be tough and gritty and resilient and fortitude and why strength and determination and all of these things are very, very important.
00:37:52.260
But what I've noticed is that even though I can teach my children the same thing, my daughter is naturally, naturally, and this is generally speaking, going to be more empathetic, more loving, more kind, compassionate.
00:38:04.740
And my boys are naturally, again, generally speaking, going to be more assertive, more aggressive, more dominant, more physical, more gritty, even though I teach them the same things.
00:38:16.300
So I think it's the responsibility of the same-sex parent to help them foster their own femininity and masculinity.
00:38:27.120
I pick up something different from me as they are from my wife, and my daughter is going to pick up something different from my wife than they are from me, even though we might be teaching the same thing.
00:38:40.720
That's why it's so important that we have a mother and a father in the home is because my wife is going to help my daughter bring out her feminine characteristics more fully than I'd ever be able to.
00:38:49.360
And I'm going to help my kids bring out my son's more masculine characteristics more than my wife would ever be able to.
00:38:57.020
Now, both of them can exhibit, both women and men, masculinity and femininity, right?
00:39:04.900
And yet, that same-sex parent is going to help that thing be more developed in boys and in girls.
00:39:15.000
My daughter hasn't expressed interest in jiu-jitsu, but physical fitness is important.
00:39:18.620
So, she's in basketball and soccer and dance and the things that she's doing.
00:39:25.120
When she scrapes her knee, I tell her to get up.
00:39:36.060
Yesterday, when we were out to dinner for, again, my son's birthday, my daughter came over to my son, and she was hugging up on my son.
00:39:43.640
And she's like, I just want to give you birthday kisses.
00:39:52.200
They're going to be naturally more affectionate, and guys are going to be more naturally assertive and aggressive and a little bit more dominant.
00:39:58.460
And the same-sex parent really brings that out in the child, I believe.
00:40:02.720
So, Noah, I'll give you some ammunition with your sister.
00:40:07.400
You ask her if your daughter should be a victim and feel afraid and be unable to defend herself for the rest of her life or not.
00:40:19.240
If you don't, you throw in Brazilian jiu-jitsu.
00:40:24.140
And a perfect example of this, I gave Asia, my wife, grief over this the other day.
00:40:30.200
She had a client that they canceled, and it's a session like at 5 a.m., 5.30 a.m. in the morning.
00:40:53.000
They feel that they are potentially at danger all the time.
00:40:57.160
And the primary reason for it, and this is what I told my wife, is because they do not know how to defend themselves.
00:41:05.980
And then you can go, well, yeah, the guys are more physically stronger than women, blah, blah, blah.
00:41:11.900
Look, the most dominant positions in Brazilian jiu-jitsu is a woman on her back in a position that she would more likely be in in the event that she was getting raped.
00:41:22.240
That's the whole point of jiu-jitsu is to equalize the playing field between a smaller opponent and a larger one.
00:41:29.340
And so you are giving your daughter amazing ammunition to build confidence and to protect herself in the event that she got attacked or, you know,
00:41:39.060
God forbid someone attempted to rape her or anything else.
00:41:43.140
You want to empower your daughter, the women in our world, to, like, feel confident and to be able to defend themselves?
00:41:56.240
And she needs a woman in her life to help nurture and foster the feminine side of her.
00:42:03.500
That, like, if all she's getting is that side of things, you're doing her injustice.
00:42:10.380
Like, if she's only getting the tough, physical, rough, rowdy, dominant side of things, she's not going to fully develop into the woman that she's capable of becoming.
00:42:21.420
If a boy is only getting the feminine, soft, kind, compassion, I'm not saying it's not important, it is.
00:42:26.880
But if that's all he's getting, and he's not getting the rough, tough, dominant, aggressive side of developing his, his character, he's, he's not fully and well-rounded as a man.
00:42:42.560
To your point, the importance of the family unit, right?
00:42:52.100
What is the one thing I could strive to teach 11 to 13 year old boys spiritually or life related that may not, that they may not learn from their fathers?
00:43:14.420
Um, so I, my, my calling is, is what it's referred to as in, in the church is working with the, uh, 14 to 16 year old young men.
00:43:26.920
So that's my, that's my responsibility in the church.
00:43:29.600
And we, every summer we do what we call a high adventure.
00:43:34.020
So we take these boys on a 17 mile hike and the first, it's an overnighter.
00:43:42.080
So the first night we hiked down and I want to say it was, this was probably five or six years ago.
00:43:45.940
So my details are a little fuzzy, but, uh, it was a hike down.
00:43:50.000
I want to say six or seven miles down to the Canyon and there's some really cool pools.
00:43:53.920
And the boys went and jumped in the pools and everything.
00:43:56.680
And, and then we, we found our camping spot, set up camp, and then we hiked out the remaining 10 miles the next day.
00:44:06.340
We got some dinner and the boys were like, Hey, what times, what time is bedtime?
00:44:18.860
And they're like, well, most of our scout leaders make us have a bedtime.
00:44:24.320
You don't need me to tell you what time to go to bed.
00:44:27.700
We're leaving at 7am, which means that you need to be up, packed, changed.
00:44:33.720
And food in you because we're hiking out at 7am.
00:44:38.900
So I don't care if you go to bed now, or if you go to bed at 630, as long as you're ready at 7am.
00:44:45.840
I said, and I, and I said to, I said, these are, these here, here's our motto.
00:44:50.900
Do whatever you want and suffer the consequences.
00:44:56.280
And so I went to bed and there's a river by where we're at.
00:45:02.020
And I go to bed and there's probably seven boys.
00:45:05.880
I hear them at one o'clock at night and they're playing in the river.
00:45:14.340
So they're out playing and I wake up the next morning about 530 or six o'clock.
00:45:24.260
So I asked him, I said, well, what time did you go to bed?
00:45:36.780
I had a couple of parents mad at me, of course.
00:45:41.960
It's time for you to learn that you can go to bed on your own.
00:45:44.720
You don't need me or anybody else telling you when you go to bed.
00:45:47.100
Now, the next hikes that we went on, guess what time they went to bed.
00:45:52.640
Got plenty of sleep because they know I'm not going to tell you.
00:45:58.080
You can figure some of this stuff out and they're not going to get that because every
00:46:01.540
parent's like, you got to do this and you got to do this and, and I'll save you.
00:46:04.460
And if you do something wrong, then I'll come rescue you.
00:46:07.680
And it's like, dude, you're, you're, you have a great responsibility as, as a scout
00:46:12.980
leader or young men's leader to teach them to be reliant upon themselves and each other
00:46:23.440
If you will, it's a great position to be in and they're not going to get it from their
00:46:30.960
Suffer the consequences and then uphold the consequences.
00:46:33.700
I could have like in this, in this scenario, I could have,
00:46:36.200
said, all right, guys, well, you know, we'll sleep in for another couple hours.
00:46:39.180
No, I'm not going to, I'm not going to rob you of the opportunity of learning from your
00:46:45.460
I'm going to let you wallow in the misery of being completely exhausted.
00:46:51.100
So you learn the lesson and you don't do it next time.
00:47:10.940
Cause I think you have a week to do it, but you did it all in an entire week, an entire
00:47:15.300
And, uh, I'll have to tell you this story sometime.
00:47:21.900
I just, everything went wrong and it was awesome.
00:47:25.580
But, and that's the things that they'll remember too.
00:47:27.920
They'll look back and say, remember, remember that scout leader we had and everything went
00:47:32.320
wrong and it started snowing and then our clothes got wet and they got lost in the river.
00:47:36.100
Remember how awesome that was totally remember.
00:47:39.320
And, and that, that particular high adventure is still talked about in our neighborhood.
00:48:00.540
Kyle, you are the only 20 year old complaining about this.
00:48:12.740
Um, I mean, if he's, uh, look, if that's not what you want, you're hanging out in the
00:48:16.760
wrong circles, bottom line, you know, if, if, if that's not what you're interested in,
00:48:22.500
I don't think, I don't think a person should have sex before they're married.
00:48:26.860
If that's not what you're interested in, you got, you got to get out of those circles.
00:48:32.600
Maybe you're hanging out with frankly, you know, women who are, who are acting slutty.
00:48:35.760
You know, I don't know, but if that's what you're finding yourself in, you put yourself
00:48:39.600
in that environment, put yourself in a new environment, be around professionals, be around
00:48:44.780
You know, maybe they're not 20, maybe they're 25 or 26.
00:48:47.180
And maybe you're just a little bit more mature, which is, which is great, but go, go to professional
00:48:53.880
conferences, go to where people are serious, where people are, you know, maybe more interested
00:48:58.860
in taking care of themselves, like, like the gym or they're, they're engaged in a, in a
00:49:05.920
But I think you found yourself in a circle that you aren't interested in being around.
00:49:10.260
And although you might be comfortable in that circle, it's not producing the results that
00:49:14.380
you're after, which tells me that you've got to find a new circle.
00:49:23.660
I mean, I, I don't, I'm a, my experience, but I've been out of the game for 16 years now.
00:49:29.200
So I'm an old guy and I would suggest that any girl that quote unquote, all she wants
00:49:36.100
I would argue that that's actually not what she wants, that she may act like that because
00:49:49.640
Like, I'm sure there's promiscuous women, just like guys who want to sleep around.
00:50:01.400
You know, we have this, this confirmation bias, right?
00:50:04.560
We talk with 10 of our friends and we're like, the world and the world is like this.
00:50:09.980
It's like, yeah, your 10 closest friends are like that because you've just made it that
00:50:34.740
You said you wouldn't want me to track it anymore.
00:50:54.360
Um, I shoot gold tips is are the arrows that I shoot broad heads.
00:50:59.520
I mean, maybe you can give me some, some suggestions.
00:51:01.480
I've been using the, uh, the, uh, rage tripans, but I'm thinking about going to the, uh, the
00:51:14.860
So maybe you guys can give me some pointers on that.
00:51:17.960
I know when I say that every, you know, everybody's going to send, send a different thing.
00:51:23.320
I, I just kind of think like, just put the arrow where it's supposed to go and it'll do
00:51:29.840
You know, I'm, I'm not great at that quite yet, but, uh, that's what I've been using.
00:51:34.360
John, I think you should go with wood and, and, uh, an arrowhead, make an arrowhead.
00:51:46.560
Anthony Lim, list men's survival skills in the modern age.
00:51:52.440
Um, well, in the modern age, I think knowing how to do some basic, uh, electrical, I know
00:52:02.180
like knowing how to work on your vehicle, uh, is important.
00:52:11.820
Uh, being prepared for situations that you may run across, having some contingency plans
00:52:17.540
Should an emergency or natural disaster take place?
00:52:21.080
Um, know your slashes, know your slashes, your backslashes and your forward slashes.
00:52:26.680
Um, know how to handle a firearm, know how to use a knife, know how to make a fire.
00:52:44.800
You don't never stop learning ways to take care of yourself and, and get yourself out
00:52:51.720
Physical fitness is certainly an element and a component of that.
00:52:54.660
Um, but yeah, just learn it all, learn everything you possibly can.
00:52:59.600
John Mofa, what to do when your dad never really set the example of a being a man as
00:53:06.740
described by Ryan, Andy, Ed, and et cetera, not, not driven out of shape, lazy relationship
00:53:14.940
Do I try to help him get better or just leave, let it be?
00:53:19.840
Well, what do you, I mean, what are you going to do?
00:53:23.700
So is he talking about himself or I think he's talking about himself.
00:53:27.040
And I think he's, I think he's saying that he didn't have a great role model and a father
00:53:32.840
Um, look at the end of the day, you can't help people who aren't willing to help themselves.
00:53:36.160
Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, but you've got to determine, is this an individual and
00:53:40.900
If he is, then there's certainly some things that you can share.
00:53:44.200
I mean, try to help, but I mean, realize you can't change someone.
00:53:55.120
Your father is not the only place to learn how to be a man.
00:54:00.840
It's like, well, I never had a father growing up.
00:54:07.620
And there's millions of other people who didn't have fathers and they learned what needed
00:54:13.200
By surrounding themselves with other men who knew how to be men.
00:54:16.200
Whether it's here or order a man, Facebook group or the iron council or somebody in your
00:54:20.380
community or a local brotherhood or a fraternity or a sports team or the military or whatever.
00:54:27.780
You're learning from me and Kip and Andy and Ed and all the guys you're talking about.
00:54:33.500
You surround yourself with people who are, who have become and who are aspiring to be like
00:54:38.480
a type of individual and man that you are aspiring to be like.
00:54:41.960
So don't, don't use the thing of like, oh, I didn't have a father.
00:54:46.440
Find somebody else who can behave in a way that you want to behave and you want to show
00:54:58.420
Like, I think that I love that way of introducing a thought process to a friend of saying, hey,
00:55:12.440
If they read the book and say, dude, that was awesome.
00:55:16.780
We can have some conversation about this stuff.
00:55:18.720
And you know, then you can deep dive into some more.
00:55:22.600
Let's take a couple more and then we'll, we'll call it a day.
00:55:42.440
Discuss how you expand your network while focusing on a high value connections.
00:55:49.180
So expand your network, high value connections.
00:55:52.040
Expand it while still trying to focus on high value connections.
00:55:56.660
I think you just have to have a system in place, right?
00:56:00.800
In fact, you can't see it, but behind the, my, so there's my safe behind my safe is you
00:56:11.180
So those on that board are relationships that I want to continue to manage and develop
00:56:15.300
So I've got a whole list of them and then I can go in that, in that database and things
00:56:19.640
that I have on my calendar set up and I can constantly be reaching out to these individuals
00:56:23.720
periodically and systematically in order to develop and foster deeper relationships with these
00:56:28.240
The biggest thing that I've ever been able to do with high value connections is to serve
00:56:32.840
So if I see an article that I think would be useful, or I see an article that maybe they're
00:56:42.440
Or one guy I think of right off hand is Jordan Harbinger with the Art of Charm.
00:56:48.360
Now it's Jordan Harbinger show is every once in a while I'll reach out to him or he'll reach
00:56:52.540
out to me and say, Hey man, I've got somebody on the podcast that I think would make
00:56:59.740
I'm serving, not only am I serving Jordan, but I'm also serving the guy that I'm making
00:57:08.760
So constantly add value, have a systematic approach to building your network and connecting
00:57:13.760
with these people that you want to connect with.
00:57:15.860
And in the meantime, figure out where other people are.
00:57:36.000
It's about tools that you're using to connect with powerful people in an industry or an environment
00:57:42.060
We actually talk about this in our Tribe Builder course, which is we're starting another one
00:57:49.740
And this is me pulling back the curtain of what we've been able to do within Order of
00:57:53.020
Man and grow this organization and movement and how we've been able to do it in such a
00:57:56.740
short period of time and connect with guys like Ed Milad and Andy Frisilla and Grant Cardone
00:58:02.220
and Jocko Willink and Tim Kennedy and Dakota Meyer and all the amazing, amazing men that
00:58:08.160
I'm pulling back the curtain and sharing all of that.
00:58:10.560
So if you're trying to build something, that might be something you're interested in as
00:58:19.440
So when you're saying like snapper style, instead of saying, you know, trying to reach
00:58:25.040
a huge broad audience, you're narrowed in and a handful of contacts that you're focused
00:58:32.860
You're not thinking a much broader sense than that.
00:58:36.000
Because five of the right contacts can significantly outweigh 5,000 of the wrong ones.
00:58:56.140
And I love the intentionality around it, right?
00:58:58.340
The fact that you know who they are, that you're acting on it, not just, oh, I'd like
00:59:05.380
In fact, I wrote down a couple of names of guys that I want to have on the podcast.
00:59:09.280
I wrote them down because I want to be intentional about it.
00:59:12.440
So I wrote those names down and then I'll research and figure out ways to connect with
00:59:24.380
How to approach relationships with the opposite sex in a healthy way when all you have seen
00:59:29.540
in your parents are divorce, fighting, and et cetera.
00:59:36.500
You're running in the wrong circles, number one.
00:59:40.760
And number two is that you are, what was the question before?
00:59:50.020
Hang out with people that are amazing couples that you want to model.
00:59:56.440
When I was struggling with my wife in our relationship and went through our separation,
01:00:00.260
I started hanging out with guys who were locked down in the fatherhood and husband department.
01:00:05.040
And surprise, surprise, I learned what they were doing.
01:00:07.320
And I was able to implement that stuff and become a better father and husband myself.
01:00:13.760
You know, if you're around people who are losers, you're going to be a loser.
01:00:16.560
If you're around people who are strong, capable, self-sufficient human beings,
01:00:20.800
then you're probably going to be a strong, capable, self-sufficient human being.
01:00:25.280
And I think that example in the relationship area could be friends.
01:00:31.700
I mean, you can find a lot of good examples of strong relationships.
01:00:35.560
There's podcasts, you know, specifically on relationships.
01:00:44.140
Yeah, so we talked about this earlier in regards to Ryan's amazing video of taking out kids with dodgeballs.
01:00:52.100
You can watch that video and many other good videos and posts on Instagram at Ryan Mickler.
01:00:58.960
If you want to contribute to this podcast and submit some questions, we are going to scrub them.
01:01:06.240
Actually, you know, I'm tempted to say don't get offended.
01:01:09.660
But what Ryan would say is be offended if your question gets scrubbed.
01:01:18.520
But you can submit those questions really one of three ways via patreon.com forward slash order of man,
01:01:24.680
which is a Patreon account for the most part is a way to contribute to the movement to the order.
01:01:31.920
There's little perks in there and things as well.
01:01:34.140
So I'll getting some perks and some benefit and some swag and whatnot.
01:01:38.000
The second approach is to join us in our brotherhood, the Iron Council.
01:01:44.220
This is 500 plus like-minded men being on the court in life and holding each other accountable
01:01:53.380
and having structure and focus and accountability and team efforts and discussions and a whole lot more on a regular basis.
01:02:02.840
You can learn more about the Iron Council at order of man.com forward slash iron council.
01:02:08.020
And then the last is to join us on the Facebook group, which is facebook.com slash group slash order of man.
01:02:20.020
And there's a lot of good conversations and there's a lot of conversations and questions that need your opinion and insights, right?
01:02:28.580
I was just scrubbing through the Facebook group yesterday and I thought if I wasn't,
01:02:33.080
if I was in a position to type because I was on my phone, I did not want to like type a novel.
01:02:40.640
I was like, man, but I need a reply to this guy, right?
01:02:50.080
Make a difference and stand and be a lighthouse for other men.
01:02:54.420
And one good way to do that is in that Facebook group.
01:03:03.600
I think this is powerful because we are banded together and we're learning from each other.
01:03:11.700
And then we'll catch you next week on next week's Ask Me Anything.
01:03:17.920
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
01:03:20.820
You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
01:03:24.860
We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.