Order of Man - Reclaiming Power in Marriage, How to Journal Effectively, and Measuring Productivity ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly charge

00:00:04.900 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.200 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:16.840 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.280 you can call yourself a man. Kiff, what's up brother? Great to see you after the weekend.

00:00:27.460 I just found out it's, as of this recording, it's President's Day. I think we were talking

00:00:32.000 about fake holidays the other day, and I found out because I had a bunch of stores, or a bunch

00:00:38.080 of stores, a bunch of orders from the store, and went over to the post office, and it was

00:00:44.200 closed. I'm like, what in the world? So I had to jump online, and they said it's President's

00:00:48.800 Day or Washington's birthday. My wife told me that, because our oldest son was going to

00:00:55.020 go have a sleepover with one of his buddies, and I said, doesn't he have school tomorrow?

00:01:00.720 And she said, no, it's February break. I'm like, February break? And I can't help but wonder now

00:01:06.520 if that, they call it February break because they don't want to offend anybody that it's

00:01:11.760 Washington's birthday or that it's President's Day. I don't know. The whole world has just lost

00:01:16.460 its dang mind. It's ridiculous. Yeah. Yeah. I went on a rant. When was it? It was just a few 1.00

00:01:26.700 months ago. I was irate about this, but check this out. It's similar. That the state of Utah,

00:01:33.380 the courts were determining whether they would change if Halloween would fall on a different

00:01:41.800 day in the event that Halloween fell on the 31st and that they would change the official holiday. 0.98

00:01:47.940 And I'm like, who gives a crap what they think? Ultimately, they're in control of the holiday, 0.96

00:01:56.320 right? We're going to do what we do, right? I can't believe they're wasting tax for $30.

00:02:02.100 Well, no. In the event that Halloween fell on a Sunday, they were putting law in place that the

00:02:09.400 holiday would be on a different day in the event being on the 31st. And we need the government to

00:02:15.000 do that for us, right? Who gives a crap? Well, you know why they do that. 0.99

00:02:18.120 But it just drives me mad. They're doing it so they can get their day off. That's the only reason.

00:02:25.140 The government's like, let's put this law in place because if it's Sunday, we don't get a day off.

00:02:28.960 But if we make this holiday on a Monday or a Friday, then we get a three-day weekend. Actually,

00:02:33.780 we could probably stretch it out to a four-day weekend. That's why they do that. It's nonsense.

00:02:38.840 It is stupid. It's ridiculous. But you know what? I'll say this. Part of the problem, 1.00

00:02:46.800 a large part of the problem is that we see these things and that's pretty benign in the grand

00:02:53.760 scheme of things. There's significantly bigger issues. And I'm not saying we don't need to

00:02:57.440 discuss what you're talking about. But we as men who are hardworking, care about our families,

00:03:03.900 we care about virtue and we have values and we want to do right by our families and businesses

00:03:10.540 and communities. We spend a lot of time focused on doing just that. Keeping our head down, going to

00:03:18.500 work, doing our job well, trying to serve in our communities, trying to raise our kids. Those are

00:03:25.180 the things that we're doing. And that's all very noble. But if we are not speaking up and speaking out,

00:03:31.580 not just about when holidays fall, again, pretty benign, but if we're not speaking out against

00:03:37.020 transgenderism, against mutilation of children, against abortion, against a woke ideology being

00:03:45.380 taught to our young children in public schools, about dangerous critical race theory concepts in

00:03:51.980 our schools. Like if we're not talking about these issues in a loud, credible, convicted way,

00:03:59.500 we deserve everything that we have coming. And I just, at this point, I don't think that we can

00:04:07.440 say that we're the men that we're capable of being and that we should be being if we're so hyper-focused

00:04:14.920 on just our own and not turning that attention outwards and trying to affect society and culture

00:04:22.460 on a broader sense. We have to be making ourselves capable of managing ourselves well,

00:04:27.940 helping lead our families and our communities, and then turning that outwards to attempt to at

00:04:33.260 least stop, if not reverse, the trend of this degenerate culture that continues to permeate

00:04:40.500 just about all of society at this point. I totally agree with you, Ryan.

00:04:47.520 There are elements of individuals though, right? When we look at like, and I'm just stealing this

00:04:53.120 from Jordan Peterson, right? Where, you know, he, he makes the point that a lot of people latch onto

00:04:58.700 social issues because they're avoiding taking responsibility for the things actually happening

00:05:05.740 in their own home. You know what I mean? Like those things are falling apart. And so then they

00:05:10.300 go, they become social justice warriors because that gives them a sense of purpose. Meanwhile,

00:05:15.340 back at home, things are falling apart. They're not showing up powerfully and they're not taking care

00:05:20.000 of the higher priority items. And I know you agree with that. I just, I like what you said and maybe

00:05:25.480 add to the idea that like, we do need to be showing up powerfully at home

00:05:30.260 as well. You know what I mean? And then, and then moving on outside of that circle of influence and

00:05:36.660 taking on broader things. Would you agree or anything you'd add to that?

00:05:39.960 Yeah, of course I would agree. And look, I, I, I'm in an interesting position and you are as well,

00:05:45.540 in that I am attempting to move the needle about masculinity and manliness in society. Broadly,

00:05:52.100 I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to reach as many people as possible. So I don't want to,

00:05:55.700 I don't want anybody to assume that I think I have it all figured out or that I have everything

00:06:01.760 completely locked down within the walls of my home or even how I show up. Uh, we were reading

00:06:06.520 yesterday in church from Romans and Paul, who, you know, we tend to think of as this incredible man,

00:06:13.740 this, this disciple who, you know, is, is intimately familiar with Jesus and the gospel and God and,

00:06:19.680 and what a righteous and moral man should do. And yet in his, in his writings,

00:06:25.260 he talks about how he knows what he should be doing. And yet even him, Paul finds it hard

00:06:32.900 to actually do it. So we are, we are mortal creatures. We are tempted by the flesh and,

00:06:39.980 and, and I'm not suggesting that we have to have everything perfect, but you're right,

00:06:44.000 Kip, we should be locking ourselves down. And that's what gives us the right to then go out

00:06:49.120 and impact society. Uh, you got to do both and you can do both. It's important.

00:06:55.620 Yeah. And I think a distinction that we make sometimes, uh, in the iron council is you at

00:07:02.260 least have to be on the path, right? Like, you know what I mean? Like we don't expect our guys

00:07:08.320 to be perfect. We don't run teams. We don't run a community where the expectation is perfect. No,

00:07:13.420 but we do expect our guys within the iron council to, to be on the path. And when they fall off the

00:07:19.580 path, that's okay, but you need to get back on the path, right. And, and, and on the path of

00:07:24.700 becoming a better man on the path of accountability on the path of integrity. And that's the expectation,

00:07:30.140 not perfection. And, and, and, and I think that's an important distinction because that gives us some

00:07:35.680 grace and some empathy for those men around us and realizing like, Hey, we're not perfect,

00:07:39.560 but the expectation is that we're trying, right. And that we're not blindly or intentionally

00:07:45.960 avoiding our responsibility and, and latching onto something else, right? There there's an attempt

00:07:50.920 to be on the path and do what's right. I think there's an issue with a lot of guys with imposter

00:07:56.120 syndrome who believe that because they may not have things perfect, or they may struggle with a

00:08:00.980 particular thing or had issues in the past with financial issues, uh, legal issues, medical issues,

00:08:08.560 relational issues that somehow they're no longer qualified to share. And I would actually suggest

00:08:14.620 it's the opposite. If you've gone through financial issues and you figured out a way to be better

00:08:20.600 moving forward, which is what we should all strive for. Then I think you're more qualified to talk about

00:08:25.840 what to do and what not to do. Uh, if you've gone through serious health conditions, but you've managed

00:08:31.260 to lose weight and get in shape and get strong and self-correct some of those medical, uh, debilitating

00:08:37.780 diseases and illnesses that you might've been dealing with, then you're more qualified to walk

00:08:42.100 another man through how you did it. So please guys, don't disqualify yourself because you happen to

00:08:49.240 have a medical issue that was self-induced or, uh, a relationship that went sour, or you were tempted

00:08:57.100 to do something, or you had legal issues in the past. Some of the guys that I follow are, are guys who

00:09:02.560 had some of the most extreme issues that you'd ever imagine and they've overcome it. And that's why I

00:09:10.080 listen. That's why they're relatable. Exactly. Exactly. And they actually know it's like going to

00:09:16.680 a therapist, a marriage counselor, who's never been married. Now they can read you all of the book

00:09:21.980 information and it's not wrong. It's probably not wrong if they go through the book, but in practice,

00:09:27.340 they've never implemented it. And so it'd be very difficult to take somebody like that serious

00:09:32.840 because obviously what we see in a book is different than the inner personal dynamics between

00:09:38.940 husband and wife. I like it. All right, man. Let's get to some questions today. Should we get to some

00:09:43.820 questions? All right. Do it. All right. So we're going to fill the questions from, um, our, the iron

00:09:48.720 council to learn more about the iron council, go to order of man.com slash iron council. All right, Matt.

00:09:54.000 Hey, one second on that. Yes, sir. Yeah. Uh, I've had a lot of people ask me over the past week or

00:09:59.860 two when the iron council's opening back up. And I just want to let you guys know mid March. So

00:10:05.020 roughly three weeks, we're going to open the iron council back up. It'll be open for a couple of

00:10:10.020 weeks. Uh, and then we'll start getting after it, um, in April. So just, just be aware of that.

00:10:15.620 Be on the lookout. You can go to order of man.com slash iron council to get on the waiting list and to

00:10:20.760 be notified March 15th when we open it back up. Excellent. Excellent. All right. Matt, uh, Fuccini,

00:10:28.440 Matt, Matusi, Matusi, Matusi. It's Matusi, Matt Matusi. Sorry. Or is it Matusi? I don't know. I,

00:10:36.780 I, I don't have it pulled up. Yeah. Let us know. Let us know, Matt. It's sorry, Matt. All right.

00:10:42.260 My commute can be two hours each day. I work, uh, one to work and one back sometimes longer,

00:10:48.460 sometimes shorter. I listened to a lot of books, podcasts, which make the drive easy,

00:10:53.500 but my hands and head are focused on driving. And this makes it so that I don't bookmark or

00:10:58.080 completely remember good information because I cannot act on it in that moment. For example,

00:11:03.260 I challenge, uh, or framework to grow myself coming up in a, in a book. What is a way to retain

00:11:09.720 this information, revisit it, or should I accept it as entertainment with some of the snippets of

00:11:15.000 info? I do remember. Yeah. I think having entertainment, there's actually value in that

00:11:19.840 and you will pick up a lot of this through osmosis. It is going to happen, but yeah,

00:11:25.680 there might be a certain framework or maybe there was a quote or something that really resonates with

00:11:31.480 you deeply that you'd like to learn more about or ponder a little bit more deeply. So I would suggest,

00:11:38.580 uh, an app on your phone. I actually don't know if you, if like with Siri, if Siri will make a note

00:11:43.900 for you, I think it probably will. If you say, Hey Siri, make a note and, and, and write down a

00:11:51.640 note, just use audio features on your phone. So that's what I would suggest. If something comes up,

00:11:56.660 you might even just write, uh, chapter three, page 24 or chapter three, 24 minutes and 10 seconds.

00:12:04.300 And then that way, when you get home or in the morning, the next morning, when you have some time,

00:12:09.320 you can pull that little note list up that you just made through your audio features and go back

00:12:14.320 and review whatever it is that you wanted to review. Um, that's really the only way that you can do it.

00:12:20.780 If you don't really have access to pausing and, and delving deeper into a particular subject.

00:12:27.580 But that's one thing that I've done. Cause I usually listen, I listen to a lot of audio books

00:12:32.260 when I'm working out, I listen to podcasts or audio books while I'm working out. And so that'll

00:12:36.100 usually take me about an hour, hour and a half. Uh, and yeah, I'm not going to actually even know,

00:12:41.900 even when I do work out, I do stop and I just make a quick note about a particular thing that was said

00:12:46.640 or a topic that was broached. So I, I think that's what I would do, you know, take, take what you can,

00:12:51.900 but if there is something deeply profound, Hey Siri, make a note about this and then go back and revisit it.

00:12:56.500 Don't think that you're going to memorize. You remember it though. Just know that you're not

00:13:01.400 going to remember it. You know, one thing I do, I don't have my phone. It's charging right now,

00:13:05.340 but one thing I do is when I, when I see something that triggers a thought for me that I might want

00:13:12.340 to share on a Friday field notes or on Twitter or Instagram pertaining to a certain subject is I'll

00:13:19.760 just go in a note and in a note section on my phone and just write that down. And I have note

00:13:23.520 sections for Friday field notes, uh, group posts, uh, Instagram posts. And so I just put it under

00:13:28.920 the corresponding title every once in a while. I'm like, Oh, I'm not going to write that down.

00:13:32.960 I'll remember it. And five minutes later, I have no idea what it was. So you have to have a way to

00:13:38.260 document that. And I would just use voice apps to be able to do it. I've done that same thing so many

00:13:43.200 times. So frustrating. I can relate to Matt so well because all the time I'll be listening to a book

00:13:48.780 and I'm like, man, this is profound. And then what I'll do, this is what I do. I'll pause. I'm like,

00:13:54.780 I'm going to stop listening because then I'm going to listen to this book later. And then I'm never

00:13:59.440 finishing the damn book because I'm constantly pausing it because I, I want to listen to it later 0.99

00:14:05.540 and then I never actually get through it. And so, I don't know, I struggle with this a lot. Like I need 0.99

00:14:10.680 a system, unfortunately. And I think sometimes it's like, I, what I, I, what I have realized,

00:14:17.680 like one book in particular right now is I can't listen to that book while driving

00:14:21.580 because it's too good. And I want to write down too many things. And so it is no longer

00:14:27.280 an auto audible book for driving. Now I've, I've moved on and I only listen to that book when I

00:14:33.160 can take notes because it's, that's good. You know, I want to take notes. So, but I guess I'm

00:14:38.400 just relating to Max. I have the same problem. I have another idea on this. And I was just,

00:14:42.160 I don't want to encourage anybody to be distracted while they're driving. I actually made that

00:14:46.480 decision a long time ago because I used to do videos while driving. And somebody had said

00:14:55.020 something like, why do you do that? And I, and at first I was like, cause this is the only time,

00:14:58.540 you know, got defensive or whatever, but I thought about it more. I'm like, Oh no, he's right.

00:15:02.660 I should probably shouldn't be driving while I'm doing a video or writing or like, I shouldn't be

00:15:08.100 doing that. So I'm not encouraging being distracted, but here's a thought. I, this might be stupid,

00:15:15.000 but what if you just had a dry erase marker on your, uh, on your, your dashboard. And if something 0.96

00:15:23.120 came up, you just wrote on your window, 24 minutes and two seconds. I see it in a picture.

00:15:28.660 I think of my picture of audible. So I have that note. Now I don't have a note. I just took a quick

00:15:34.300 picture and then I have to like go to that spot in the book and listen again and try to hopefully

00:15:38.540 remember whatever I was thinking, but this is actually how I read. This isn't pertaining to

00:15:43.660 the question, but this is how I actually read books is I never read books without a highlighter.

00:15:48.700 So what I'll do is I'll read the book. And if there's a particular paragraph or subject or quote

00:15:53.560 that really resonates with me, I'll do a little dog ear on the page and then I'll highlight that

00:15:58.700 paragraph or that line. And then I'll just keep reading along. Then I'll finish the book. And at the

00:16:03.600 end of that, when I'm done with the book, I go back and I review every single page that I dog

00:16:08.740 eared or highlighted. And I might organize that information. I might do something with that

00:16:14.540 information, or maybe, you know, just read it again. And it triggers something else for me,

00:16:18.220 but that's a way that I read. I read books. And that has been very, very helpful for me to actually

00:16:24.720 apply things that are being taught from the book. What are you reading right now or listening to Kip?

00:16:29.600 Limitless by Jim Quick. I've read the majority of it before. I really like it, but I'm nerding out on

00:16:39.040 it because the focus of the book is from the individual perspective, but at work I'm over

00:16:45.880 learning and development. And so I'm kind of like, Hey, you know what? These are principles that should

00:16:50.420 make their way into the workplace, into corporate America. And so I've been really kind of deep diving

00:16:55.800 into it again, because I'm like, man, I want to regurgitate this and establish it as a standard,

00:17:00.600 if that makes sense. So. Yeah. Very cool. But yeah, I think that's good. Taking that information,

00:17:05.300 reading it again, doing something applicable with it. I'm reading a book. I can't remember who it's by.

00:17:11.640 I'm reading and listening. It's called Live Not By Lies. And it talks about Soviet totalitarianism

00:17:21.940 and how the soft totalitarianism is making its way into the US. It's very interesting so far. I just

00:17:30.860 started, I had a lot of suggestions or recommendations for it. So it's a really good book so far. Yeah.

00:17:36.440 Yeah. Cool. Cool. All right. Another question, Trevor Burrow. I've been developing systems for

00:17:42.320 tracking, as you've mentioned in a recent post, how do you track how you spend your time,

00:17:47.140 what you eat and et cetera? What do you use for analytics to see if you're improving?

00:17:53.140 So the eating one is actually really easy. I use my fitness pal, I think is what it's called.

00:17:58.920 And so after a meal, I go in there. So for example, this morning I had two fried eggs and

00:18:05.320 a protein shake. So I just go in there and I just write down that that's what I had. If I have a

00:18:13.120 snack or a drink or something else throughout the day at lunch, I'll probably have six to eight

00:18:19.000 ounces of meat. I don't know if it's going to be venison or beef or mousse, but I'll have something

00:18:24.020 and I'll usually have a vegetable with it, but I just write it all down. I used to weigh it all.

00:18:29.020 I don't really weigh it anymore because I have a pretty good idea of what six to eight ounces of

00:18:34.440 meat looks like. So that's nice because if you track it, then you become more efficient.

00:18:40.400 And my fitness pal also knows what your regular eating habits and routines are. So it actually

00:18:46.980 saves the food that you eat regularly as like a saved item, a preferred item. So you can just go

00:18:53.200 in there. There's another cool little feature. I don't eat a lot of food that you have to scan with

00:18:57.580 a barcode because what, what do you have to scan on the barcode process foods? So I don't eat a lot

00:19:03.360 of that food, but my fitness pal does have one where you can scan it and it'll upload all of the

00:19:08.080 data automatically. So that's pretty cool. But the fact that you're tracking is powerful because what

00:19:13.320 you track obviously is going to improve and you're going to be more mindful of that. I think just

00:19:17.860 tracking food alone, not only is it kind of a hassle, uh, it just makes you more aware of the

00:19:22.740 food you're stuffing down your gullet and it's more than you think. And it's less healthy than you

00:19:28.000 think it is. Totally. Uh, tracking time. I don't, I don't actually track my time. I I'm not sure that

00:19:36.500 I ever have, but you use a calendar though. Yeah. Yeah. And so I know that I'm going to be on this

00:19:44.760 podcast for an hour and a half. That's the time that I have blocked. Uh, if I'm going to do emails

00:19:49.360 in the morning, which is typically what I do, that's going to take me about 45 minutes, uh, store

00:19:54.740 orders with my, with my children. That's usually going to take me anywhere from 45 minutes to an

00:19:59.820 hour. I just know that because I'm just aware of how long it takes and I use the calendar religiously

00:20:05.180 and that's just Google calendar for me. Yeah. Cool. And then progress of course would be the

00:20:11.740 battle planner, which is the tool that we use within the iron council. Uh, this brother of course already

00:20:16.400 knows about that cause he's in the iron council, but just kind of wanted to call that out. Yeah.

00:20:20.680 Yeah. Use the, there's a battle planning app, uh, or there's the paper version, which is actually what

00:20:26.380 I use. I use the paper version every day. I look at this and I'll write down what I need to get done

00:20:30.020 for the week. I'll check it off as I go. I have non-negotiables in there. So this is obviously a

00:20:35.760 very powerful tool, not just for me, but thousands and thousands of men have used this tool for the

00:20:39.960 betterment of themselves. Yeah. All right. We got a long question. I've summarized this really well,

00:20:46.540 but it's a really good question. You're going to say something. Yeah. Right before you get

00:20:50.580 to that, I would say, um, with tracking time, just go back and analyze your day and try to figure out

00:20:59.480 what you did in the space. That was something wasn't scheduled.

00:21:06.180 So for example, time wasters are potentially. Yeah. If I have, let's say I have, so this conversation

00:21:12.880 between you and I, uh, I have it on my calendar. That's going to wrap up about 1230. Sometimes we get

00:21:17.920 done earlier and that's cool, but it's, I'm, I'm blocked out till 1230 from 1230 to one is lunchtime,

00:21:24.760 but then I might not have another meeting until two. So then I need to go back and review my day

00:21:31.300 and actually determine what in the world I did before between one and two o'clock or two or 1230.

00:21:37.420 Well, yeah, one and two, what did I do? It was on social media, right? Or how long were you in the

00:21:43.300 bathroom? Were you in there for three minutes it takes, or were you in there for the 23 minutes?

00:21:48.860 Isn't that social media, the same thing anyway? It is. So you don't know how much time you're

00:21:55.180 wasting unless you actually start to track it. So look for those little gaps, uh, where you don't

00:22:01.380 have it scheduled and figure out where you're, you're losing time. Yeah. I, in college, I don't

00:22:07.660 even know what book this was, but I remember doing this in college and I was, I was complaining

00:22:12.320 about not having enough time. I read some resource or I got coached or someone told me

00:22:17.020 that said, track your day in increments of 15 minutes for an entire week and categorize the time

00:22:23.940 at the end of the week. I was like, yeah, I have plenty of time. It's just like you're tracking on

00:22:29.220 my fitness pal. Not only are we not eating healthy once we track, we'll realize that, but we're wasting

00:22:35.060 so much time. It's ridiculous. Yeah. Well, like today I kicked off our conversation by telling you, 0.80

00:22:41.480 I went to the post office. Well, the post office is 12 minutes away. Yeah. So I just wasted nearly

00:22:47.380 a half hour round trip on going to the post office and it was completely unnecessary. I could have got

00:22:54.400 through a few more emails or, uh, worked on a project or I could have recorded another Friday

00:23:00.380 field notes in that time. Like there's a lot I could have done in that time. So we're losing a lot

00:23:05.020 of time, whether we know it or not. Yeah, totally. All right. Clayton Biden and Clayton,

00:23:10.660 I'm going to summarize, man, because your question's like a journal here. So we might

00:23:15.560 lose a little bit of the detail, but, but we'll get the gist of it. So he, and I'm grabbing snippets

00:23:21.860 of it. Last summer, I received a text text message from my girlfriend at the time, seeing that she was

00:23:27.280 positive, that she got a positive pregnancy test. Keep in mind, we're in the same household at the

00:23:32.220 time, me needing time to process and think about what my future holds. I left her there taking our dogs 0.99

00:23:38.520 for a walk. She called and texted me frequently asking for me to come back so we could talk about

00:23:42.700 it. He doesn't come back for a while now. What's a while really like later that evening,

00:23:49.680 30, 30 minutes. Yeah. 30 minutes to get his mental state. Um, by the time that they get in contact

00:23:57.160 again with each other, she's already like, I'm out right that day. And so that day she's gone.

00:24:03.260 Um, Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry. He waits. He waits 30 minutes. He can't ask these questions

00:24:08.760 or I'm going to end up reading the whole thing. So when I did return after 30 minutes, still not

00:24:13.240 really in a good mental state, I completely lost control of my emotions and reacted in the worst

00:24:17.360 way possible. Saying things along the lines, lines of, I cannot do this because I've been thinking

00:24:23.340 about breaking up with you. So he communicates that to her. Okay. Okay. She obviously,

00:24:28.260 like most of us, they sat exactly in the way that he said it, right? They've tried to communicate and

00:24:36.040 sit down. He's attempted to apologize for that communication. See if she'd be willing to go to

00:24:42.580 counseling together, right? And work through things. She has gone dark. She has moved four hours away

00:24:49.860 from where they currently live up to current state here. Uh, we dated for almost two years

00:24:57.440 and the things we, we always used to say is how great of parents they would be. A week ago,

00:25:03.940 she sent me an email stating how she plans to pursue a hundred percent custody of our son and

00:25:08.180 completely shut me out of the relationship with him. I've offered to come and speak with her and

00:25:12.900 her parents and her therapist, her lawyers, et cetera. I have been completely denied. Now, as his birth

00:25:19.660 is approaching, she is, she is due next month. I intend to move to Cincinnati area where she's at.

00:25:24.440 I'm looking to buy what I have, uh, what I believe is a good place, a piece of real estate with a house

00:25:30.020 for my son. The inspection on the home is this week. I have been offered a job there making nearly

00:25:34.560 30 K more. I made it known to her that I intend to move there to be close to my son, regardless of

00:25:40.440 what happens between me and, and, and the relationship. However, she comes from a very wealthy

00:25:45.300 family and he has concerns, right? That she'll just get up and move again, you know, because she might 0.96

00:25:50.620 be willing to do so. There was a element of this time period where they started talking again and

00:25:57.260 then she went dark. Um, and then ultimately he's asking for any advice regarding the situation. Thank

00:26:03.040 you so much for all that you do. I am incredibly grateful for your message and what you guys are

00:26:07.440 doing for men around the world. Okay. So the first summary, it sounds like you handled yourself

00:26:14.860 very poorly in the moment and you got emotionally freaked out and then dumped all those emotions

00:26:22.100 on her, which I, you know, I understand. I get it. Not, I'm not condoning it of course,

00:26:28.280 but I understand. So you freaked out, you dumped it all on her. She got scared. She took what you said

00:26:34.120 to heart. She bailed and now she's not interested anymore. So number one, hopefully lesson learned

00:26:43.980 that's, we cannot allow our emotions to dictate our response to situations. Now we can take, look,

00:26:53.180 you stepping outside for 30 minutes. I don't see anything wrong with that. Yeah. Within reason,

00:26:57.500 you know, I would, I wouldn't say she says, and then you leave and bolt and like, no, but like,

00:27:02.380 Hey, okay. Ooh, that's a lot. Let me, let me have 30 minutes and come back and regain the composure

00:27:09.300 that, that, I don't think that was wrong. I think that was probably wise, but then you freaked out,

00:27:14.160 you came back and you didn't, you freaked out on her again. So hopefully lesson learned. Um, I,

00:27:19.900 I would say it sounds like what's done is done. It sounds like she's not interested. Uh, it sounds

00:27:26.240 like she's pursuing her own interests and what she thinks is in the best interest of the baby.

00:27:31.220 Uh, and I can't really fault her for that. And I won't say that she's right or wrong. I just can't

00:27:37.320 fault her for, for taking that, that angle. But here's what I would say. You are the father and

00:27:45.040 you also have rights and there's things that she can and cannot do. And if you're interested in being 0.76

00:27:53.820 in this child's life, like it sounds like you are, then you need to make sure that you protect

00:27:59.760 your rights and the rights of your child, just as much as it sounds like she's willing to do.

00:28:06.560 And it might be a battle and it might be expensive and there might be a lot of hardship and frustration

00:28:14.040 and headache in this. And you need to be aware of that. You know, you can't, it would be like going

00:28:20.160 into battle, but not knowing how difficult war is. You know, people romanticize war and they talk

00:28:25.620 about heroes and winning and how virtuous it is. And then you get into war and it's murder and it's

00:28:32.220 dark and it's, it's, it's atrocious. You gotta be realistic about what this is going to take.

00:28:39.440 And I can't tell you whether or not to do it. If it were me, I would pursue a relationship with my

00:28:45.100 child at whatever cost, because I think that's the right thing to do. So you're going to have to

00:28:51.820 find a lawyer. You're going to have to hire that lawyer and you're going to have to go to the battle

00:28:57.780 for your, your rights as a father. Totally. Yeah. That's what you want to do. Then that's what

00:29:04.700 it's going to take. Those are the tools of war in this case. Yeah. And not to go negative town,

00:29:09.760 but the probability is it's, it's going to be really tough and it's not going to financially,

00:29:14.680 it's going to be a huge financial burden. It's going to be highly stressful, but this is where

00:29:20.680 I think the focus of getting clear on how you're going to show up regardless of those things and

00:29:29.840 get really clear what, what battle you're willing to fight and don't determine that later, determine

00:29:35.920 that now going into it. So you can just execute. Um, I would say also like on this, yeah, I do want

00:29:44.280 to hear that, but I would just say the other thing too, is I don't want this to come across

00:29:49.360 as this is the way it's going to be, but you might, you might go into it first as best you

00:29:54.720 can. It sounds like you guys really aren't talking, um, to negotiate terms. That's usually

00:30:00.620 what people will do before they go to battle. And it might be worthwhile to sit down together

00:30:06.280 if, if she will with, with attorney with by yourself, if you can, or with attorneys or a

00:30:11.280 mediator and, and start to negotiate some of the terms, because maybe it doesn't need to escalate

00:30:16.560 to that point. I just, I want to throw that out there. That's what you would do first before you

00:30:20.960 hire an attorney and you say it's war now, hold on. She might not want that either. She might just 0.99

00:30:26.240 be defensive and feels like she has to lawyer up and you pressing that way might push that a little

00:30:31.940 harder, but there might be some negotiating here. Sorry to interrupt Kip. I just want to throw that

00:30:36.640 disclaimer there. No, I mean, you bring up a really good point and there's, there's power in empathy.

00:30:42.840 Um, whether she's being unfair or not, there's power in understanding. I mean, let's be frank.

00:30:48.760 Like we're, we're kind of saying that right now. I understand her. Hey, I'm pregnant. I'm excited.

00:30:56.040 We're going to have a kid together. And you lash out like, Oh man, I was planning on breaking up

00:31:00.100 with you and you're freaking out. Are you joking? You come back to the table and say, Oh, I'm going

00:31:05.300 to be with you. I wouldn't believe it if I were her. You're only saying that because you're, she's

00:31:10.340 pregnant. She doesn't want to be with the guy that doesn't want to be with her, you know? So like 1.00

00:31:15.660 have some empathy, mostly from the perspective of understanding her and understanding the situation

00:31:21.320 and bring that to the table. Most of us will lash out when people lash out on us. Right? So have some

00:31:26.820 tactics, right? Go into the situation, um, in a, in a good way. What one thing that, that crosses my

00:31:34.500 mind and it's rooted in that same exact concept is, uh, you know, you might be tempted to be very

00:31:41.580 frustrated with her. And, and I know the baby's not born yet and that's just coming, but like,

00:31:46.380 you, you got to get that straight in your head. You might as well get that straight in your head now

00:31:50.920 that you're never going to talk ill of her, that you're going to respect your child by

00:31:56.380 respecting his mom and, and really like, and the, and the better, let me say it this way, the, the,

00:32:04.520 the quicker that you can let go of your frustration and your heart of war against her, the better you're

00:32:11.700 going to deal with the circumstance. And, and that's found in letting go and being okay with how

00:32:16.860 she's the decision that she's making and not lash out on what that means about you or how that affects

00:32:23.420 you. The sooner you can get to that, the better you're going to deal with the circumstance.

00:32:27.000 So might as well start down that path now and not wait.

00:32:30.980 The one thing too, and that's all really good advice. One thing I hear right now is I hear all

00:32:35.080 the alpha social media men, like I'm an alpha. Like I hear all these guys and they're like, no,

00:32:40.940 go to war. Like she's a bitch. And like, I hear that in them already. And what I would say to that is, 1.00

00:32:48.000 you know, maybe there's some truth that I don't know. I don't, I don't know this woman. So I'm not

00:32:53.400 going to jump to that conclusion. Maybe she's not, you know? Yeah. But what I would say is by doing

00:32:58.600 it this way, what you're saying, Kip, empathy, negotiation, talking openly with her about this

00:33:04.320 as the first line of attack, not only is it the right thing to do as a man, it's the prudent thing

00:33:10.360 to do because it might actually save you a lot of time, energy, money, resources, headache,

00:33:17.660 frustration, contention. So not only is it being a virtuous, righteous man, it's actually a really

00:33:23.900 prudent strategy. So you don't blow up all your own resources. So if, if, if there's a guy listening

00:33:31.620 right now and he's like, no, go to war with this bitch about this. Well, that's not prudent. Now you 0.99

00:33:37.220 might need to, it might get to that. I don't know. We're not there yet. So let's be prudent.

00:33:42.620 Let's be wise and intelligent and go with the best course of action first. And then it can escalate

00:33:49.720 as needed from there. Totally. Totally. All right. All right. Kevin Nickel, what key components have

00:33:58.140 you identified to begin a business? What must you do to be successful starting from ground zero?

00:34:03.300 Uh, well, I think the first thing is you got to ask yourself if you have a solution to somebody's

00:34:10.260 problem that, and it's that, and that it's relevant enough because if it isn't, I mean, you could create

00:34:16.640 the coolest Gidget or Wismo or solution or, you know, strategy that you think, but you don't actually

00:34:24.540 get to determine what value is. That's what a lot of people get wrong. And, and especially in the culture

00:34:29.160 where it's, uh, our culture now is a lot about our own self-worth and how valuable we are as people.

00:34:35.820 That's, that's like the culture these days. And that's good to a degree, except for you have to

00:34:42.180 realize that you don't actually get to turn to determine what is valuable. The person that you

00:34:47.200 want to sell it to does. So if I want to sell you a product, that's a hundred dollars, you actually

00:34:54.040 are the one that has to believe it's worth a hundred dollars. And I could talk about it till I'm blue in

00:34:58.300 the face. If you don't think it's a hundred dollars worth a hundred dollars, you're not going to pay

00:35:01.300 a hundred dollars for it. So I would do some, some market research. And by that, I mean, look at what

00:35:09.520 your potential clients might be looking for, uh, what solutions are already available and present,

00:35:15.720 how many companies and organizations are already offering solutions along the same line as what you

00:35:22.240 have to share. Do you have anything unique or different that isn't already available,

00:35:27.460 but go out and do some market research and figure out, let's say that you feel like you have a

00:35:33.040 product or a service that would really be valuable for somebody. This is huge. Learn how to market

00:35:40.600 using digital technology. I'm talking about social media. I'm talking about Facebook ads. I'm talking

00:35:47.440 about podcasting, audio resources, video resources like YouTube. You have to get really, really good at

00:35:54.460 using these resources. If you're not going to do it or, or you don't know how to do it,

00:36:00.080 your product or service is never going to have any wings. So you have to have a good product,

00:36:06.640 a, and then you have to be able to explain and illustrate and communicate to the right people

00:36:11.340 that you have a good product. And when you get that figured out, you're, you're well on your way to

00:36:16.740 having a successful business. Yeah. The only thing I'd add is don't fall into the pitfall

00:36:23.600 that, that everyone feels like they need the brick and mortar store all like, I'll just use an

00:36:29.200 example. One of my buddies, he's he's a black belt in Muay Thai and he's great instructor. He,

00:36:35.740 he does privates and whatnot. And he was like, Oh, I'm going to open up a school. And he thinks that

00:36:42.180 he needs to get a business loan, build a building on the side of the street, you know, have this

00:36:46.760 major investment, blah, blah, blah. Right. In, in this given neighborhood, which to your point,

00:36:51.540 Ryan, he has no idea if there's even a market for in his area. He hasn't checked on whether,

00:36:56.880 how many other schools exist, like, like, but he thinks that the building needs to be there.

00:37:02.200 And, and my recommendation to him was go to the rec center in that neighborhood and sign up to teach

00:37:09.580 classes at the rec center and validate if there's a market there first. And if you get a bunch of

00:37:15.880 students, you get some general cashflow going, then you step it up and then you're rent a place

00:37:20.820 from another building, right? You sublease it underneath someone else. And then eventually

00:37:25.320 you get the building, but don't fall into that pitfall. If you have a great service, awesome.

00:37:29.220 Go sell it to someone, find one company and try to sell it to them. Yeah. And if you can't sell it to

00:37:35.440 them, you know, start wondering whether you actually have a unique product or a service

00:37:40.320 that's going to be valuable or not. And if you can't sell it to one and it gives you reps, right?

00:37:44.180 I sold it once. Hey, there's some momentum here. Now I can have a referral. I can ask for a

00:37:48.780 testimonial. I could like look for that unique, the, the minimal viable product of some or service,

00:37:56.140 I should say, and get some reps and try it out. It doesn't have to be this packaged,

00:38:01.660 you know, product and service with a, with a store and a billboard down the road. It, it,

00:38:07.500 and if you're going to fall into that pitfall and you're not going to take action when,

00:38:11.840 when it's something that big. Yeah. You know what I would do with the Muay Thai one?

00:38:16.560 Maybe I missed part of this, but one thing I would do is if I was in that situation is I would go to

00:38:21.760 all the martial arts gyms in the community that aren't teaching Muay Thai. And I would say, Hey, look,

00:38:27.860 I'm, I'm an instructor. Here's why I'm qualified. Here's why I think it'd be valuable and a value

00:38:32.820 add to what you're doing. And what I'd like to do is I'd like to come in and instruct two nights a

00:38:36.980 week. And we'll market this to your current students and we'll, we'll split revenue. You

00:38:43.460 know, I'll take 50%. Let's, I'm just throwing out arbitrary numbers. I'll take 50% and the school

00:38:48.180 keeps 50. If they're my people that I bring in, I'll take 80 and pay you 20. So that way you're

00:38:54.880 building revenue on something that wasn't previously available. Now I'm getting paid

00:38:59.560 as I start and develop my own business. If I bring in my own clients, I'm paying this guy

00:39:04.960 money that he has, doesn't have to pay a single dime for. There's so many cool opportunities that

00:39:10.320 reduce risk and let you know if you have a viable product.

00:39:13.640 Totally. And in that example, you still use your brand for your portion of your teaching.

00:39:18.500 You set up your company as an S corp. So it's a legal identity already. So you get the

00:39:24.660 tax benefits in this circumstance. You're not an employee of the other school, right?

00:39:28.360 Like there's all these things that you can do. And that's a perfect example of how you

00:39:33.460 can get some serious reps and generate some cashflow sooner than later and not wait for

00:39:38.120 the picture perfect scenario, right? Yeah. I mean, I did the same thing in my financial

00:39:43.000 planning practice. I went out and I marketed to my friends and my family and I got some referrals

00:39:47.480 here and there and that was good. You know, it's fine. But when it really started to take

00:39:51.360 off is I went to ancillary type businesses, health insurance agents, CPAs, attorneys.

00:39:58.020 And I said, look, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to handle the financial affairs

00:40:03.920 for these people. And there's some legalities there that they're not licensed. I can't pay

00:40:09.160 them, things like that. But some of these attorneys and even CPAs ended up having licenses

00:40:14.200 so I could split revenue and commissions. Then what I would do is I would go out of my way

00:40:19.820 for all of my clients if they needed insurance or they needed legal service or CPA work, I

00:40:25.280 would refer to them. So I didn't, it didn't feel like I was just mooching off of them.

00:40:29.180 This was a reciprocal relationship. And my practice really started to blow up when I did

00:40:33.860 that effectively.

00:40:34.420 In the early days of my consulting practice, I was an independent contractor, right? And

00:40:40.420 I would sub underneath larger firms, but I didn't sub as Kip Sorensen. I subbed as Soren. And so what

00:40:49.160 would happen is I would line a contract with another firm for the Department of Defense and Soren was on

00:40:56.460 the books doing that work. Now, what would happen? And I would make sure not to be whitelisted, 0.97

00:41:03.660 right? So I wanted whoever I was working for to know that I was a sub of that other company. I didn't

00:41:09.040 want to pretend I was an employee. And through that process, you know how many clients I ended up

00:41:13.300 getting of like large consulting firm, like large, large companies, like one of my clients, Balford

00:41:18.720 B, one of the largest construction firms in the world does direct work with my consulting firm.

00:41:26.520 Yeah.

00:41:27.160 Why? Because they were referred from Parsons Brinkerhoff, which did direct work with me as a

00:41:31.560 subcontractor. Like, man, there's ways to do this. And it's not like, it's not what you think you have

00:41:37.700 to do. Right. You know what I mean? There's way better avenues to pull off this kind of work.

00:41:42.080 So even Order of Man was very similar to that because we started podcasting and I would go on

00:41:46.740 other people's podcasts. Like one of the first big podcasts that I went on was MFCEO, which is now

00:41:52.400 Real AF with Andy Frisilla. I invited him on my show. He invited me on his. And I can't tell you how

00:41:59.500 often I hear from people that, hey, I started listening way back when you were on MFCEO.

00:42:03.360 Or another one is Warrior Poet Society Network. I do videos for them on their private video catalog,

00:42:10.620 Library Network. And there's a lot of people, a lot of men who come into our fold and they were

00:42:16.160 introduced through the credibility that Warrior Poet Society Network has. That's how you build good

00:42:22.180 partnerships with good people and magnify your reach because you're tapping into other people's

00:42:28.000 credibility. Yeah, totally. All right. Elijah Henry, are you still attending the Baptist church?

00:42:34.880 And what differences have you noticed from the Mormon church?

00:42:40.280 Yeah, I do. I do go to the Baptist church. I've been doing that for about six months.

00:42:45.840 You know, as far as differences, I actually don't really want to get into that. And I'll tell you why

00:42:50.300 I don't want to get into that because I don't, I'm fairly new in the Baptist church and I don't think

00:42:56.140 that I would be credible if I were to say this one church is different in this way when I don't

00:43:01.800 really have a broad perspective on, I mean, there's things that obviously are different. You know,

00:43:08.420 we spend a lot more time looking into and reading and pondering the Bible relative to the Book of

00:43:14.020 Mormon. You know, that's an obvious difference. But you know, all the other things, the doctrine is

00:43:20.720 different. You know, it is. There's some similarities, but it's different. But outside of that,

00:43:25.120 there's good people in both places. I've felt the spirit strongly. We have good friends who've

00:43:31.000 been really involved. I really enjoy our pastor. He's very well researched, very well studied in the

00:43:39.240 Bible and theology. And so I enjoy it. But as far as the differences, it's not a fair thing for me to

00:43:46.120 say, because I've only been to one Baptist church for a short period of time. And I don't feel like I

00:43:50.600 can give you a good difference on that. Well, this is a good kind of related question. So Caleb

00:43:57.700 Judge, his question is, how much does your faith influence your everyday life? And has your faith

00:44:02.300 grown stronger since you've given up alcohol? My faith is something that has been challenged

00:44:11.800 in the past. And not challenged, but maybe I should say challenging. I haven't always relied on as much

00:44:18.440 faith as maybe I could have otherwise or should have possibly.

00:44:22.320 Would you say as much as you have in the past? You know what I mean? Like this,

00:44:26.800 like that has evolved, like that has gone down and up also.

00:44:29.960 Yeah. It's, it's, it's increasing. It's growing currently, I would say. And so I'm trying to be

00:44:36.280 more mindful because I've implemented certain practices into my life that I really wasn't

00:44:40.680 consistent with before prayer, pondering the Bible, having, having theological type discussions with

00:44:48.860 people who are credible and can share information. I've had a lot of good conversations with neighbors

00:44:53.420 and friends and members of the congregation, a pastor. So yeah, it's, it's, I'm trying to let more

00:45:01.560 of that into my life. And I would say that, that the not, not drinking alcohol is, has been a huge

00:45:11.500 change in that regard because there's nothing there's, there's less, there's less of a barrier.

00:45:19.560 I'm more, I'm more awake. I'm more aware. I mean, physically, obviously, but mentally, emotionally,

00:45:25.260 I have a lot more energy. Uh, I, I, I am trying to live virtuously. Like there's so much more that I,

00:45:33.620 I would say I either, I don't know what's more accurate that I either shorten the gap between

00:45:40.760 myself and God, or that I took this like barrier and obstacle and just lifted it and moved it out

00:45:47.380 of the way. And the line of the line of communication is more clear. Maybe it's a combination of both.

00:45:53.820 I don't know, but yeah, I think it's, I mean, everything's better when you're not drunk all

00:45:59.380 the time. I mean, that's pretty self-evident, but I could tell you all the ways that I've been

00:46:05.360 better, but physically, mentally, I'm sharper. I have significantly more energy. Um, I'm more focused.

00:46:11.900 I'm more clear. I'm more able to accomplish my goals. I'm more engaged with my wife and kids. I'm more

00:46:16.980 focused on the business. Like every aspect of my life is I sleep better. I look better. My confidence

00:46:22.600 has increased. Like every aspect of my life is better because I'm not drinking alcohol.

00:46:29.280 Yeah. How has that, I mean, obviously it's been a focus, I think. Right. And you just said the

00:46:36.100 removal of alcohol that has increased. Um, how does that influencing your day to day? Like,

00:46:43.440 how does that show up in your day to day? Just faith?

00:46:46.520 Yeah. I mean, I, I pray, you know, I pray quite often. Uh, that's, that's been a big deal for me.

00:46:54.240 And one of the questions I often ask myself is what should I do in this situation?

00:46:59.760 Yeah. I think that's a spiritual question for me. You know, I might not say, God, what do you want

00:47:04.520 me to do? Uh, I, I'm not the most spiritual. You're putting a moral compass on it though.

00:47:09.480 Go on. What should I do? What is the right thing to do? You know? And we tend to look at our

00:47:16.440 circumstances and situations and, and we play mental gymnastics with it. Right. And the mental

00:47:22.800 gymnastics are usually a justification of the thing that you actually did want to do. And now 0.98

00:47:28.020 you're trying to justify doing it. Even if you know, it's not the right thing to do. Uh, and I've

00:47:34.000 said it before, do the right thing. Like, well, it's the right thing guys. We know, right. We,

00:47:40.160 we know what the right thing is. And I am attempting to do the right thing without taking

00:47:47.720 into consideration the consequence, because the more that we take into consideration, the consequence

00:47:54.080 of doing the right thing, the less likely we are to do the right thing because doing the right

00:47:58.820 thing is often the harder path. Yeah. You know, having a difficult conversation is a hard path

00:48:05.560 or, you know, maybe not taking advantage of that one client that you would have before.

00:48:10.960 I don't know how that would manifest itself, but doing the right thing is the harder path

00:48:16.580 and we know we should take it. So you got to stop looking at the consequences so much. And

00:48:23.700 I think we do the right thing because just because it's the right thing to do not because

00:48:31.020 of what will happen or what, no, you do what's right because it's right. Intrinsically. It's

00:48:35.960 the right thing. Yeah, totally. We're, we're in the process of defining our, our family kind

00:48:42.280 of ethos right now. And that's why actually one that we stole from Matt Brudeau was the right

00:48:47.580 things, always the right thing. Yeah. Period. And, and, and you don't have to be an even adult

00:48:53.280 to know that. Right. I could ask my, my, my nine-year-old, you know, is it the right thing?

00:48:59.560 Yes. No, like, no, they know what's right. You know? So yeah, that's powerful. Well,

00:49:07.220 and I think, and it's interesting how there's, there's even soft areas of life where that shows

00:49:13.180 up. You know, we, we were talking last week, I think it was on Brock or maybe it was on our

00:49:18.500 leadership group in, in the iron council. Maybe it was there. Shoot. Now I don't remember,

00:49:22.920 but regardless, we're talking at one point and about accountability conversations and holding

00:49:30.140 people accountable. And sometimes we don't do it. Why? Because of the mental gymnastics of,

00:49:35.680 well, yeah, but if I talk to Ryan about this, then our, our relationship might go sideways or

00:49:40.220 he'll be offended or whatever. It's like, stop. Should I talk to Ryan about this? Yes or no?

00:49:45.520 Yeah. If the answer's yes, then find a way to do it tactfully and correctly and try to mitigate

00:49:52.440 issues. But we jumped to the issue. We jumped to the results instead of just asking, should,

00:49:57.960 or should I not? You, I think what you said is, and I, this really, this is what I took away. Cause

00:50:04.220 you said that it was on the broker call and, and you said, uh, what we typically do is we

00:50:11.360 prioritize how we're going to do something when we should be prioritizing what we should be doing.

00:50:21.820 Yeah. So that sounds way better. I said that. Are you sure?

00:50:24.900 Well, I, I put it in a pretty package.

00:50:27.220 Or did you word smith it for me? Okay.

00:50:29.080 That's what you said. But I remember you saying anyways, but, but, uh, yeah, we spend so much time

00:50:36.720 like, Oh, how am I going to let this person down? Or how am I going to tell this person? How am I

00:50:40.580 going to do this? Well, hold on. Let's figure out what you should do first. Like you've already made

00:50:45.380 up your mind and maybe you came to the wrong conclusion. We need to figure out what, so for

00:50:50.720 example, I think what we were talking about is friends that knew that I had a problem with alcohol

00:50:55.620 and didn't. And when I confess, when I told them, they're like, Oh, we knew. And I'm like, what?

00:51:01.900 You didn't tell me. I didn't know how to broach it. I didn't want to make it. You feel bad or

00:51:07.060 awkward or whatever. And so they were worried about all of these consequences, the, how they

00:51:10.660 would do it, that it led them to not taking proper action, which is what a friend would do is say, Hey,

00:51:17.260 man, I'm concerned. Like you got a problem and I see it. And the, and taking the action was the

00:51:24.480 priority versus the how we can figure out the how, and there are the right ways to approach certain

00:51:28.520 subjects, but the, what actually approaching it, that's the most important factor. And then we can

00:51:33.660 go from there. Yeah. Guys have a lot of questions around the whole spirituality thing today. So

00:51:40.580 Jimmy bars, his question, how do you personally lead your family spiritually?

00:51:47.780 Hmm. That's a good, that's a good question. Cause that's an area that again, I've struggled with.

00:51:52.300 I think, you know, leading them to church obviously is important.

00:51:55.260 Uh, making sure that, that we're up and that we're ready and that we're focused on, on the

00:52:01.320 message and that you're creating an environment that's conducive to receiving spiritual direction

00:52:06.240 and guidance. That's the type of music we listen to. That's how we treat each other. That's how we

00:52:10.640 dress. That's the way that we go about our church services and the Sabbath day. That's important.

00:52:17.700 Reading scriptures, praying with your children, getting them involved in prayer, complimenting them on,

00:52:23.840 and you know, every night when we sit down for dinner at the dinner table, one of us says a

00:52:27.860 prayer. And if my daughter, for example, saying the prayer, I'll usually compliment her specifically

00:52:33.680 on one thing that was very thoughtful. You know, Hey, that was a thoughtful thing that you said. I

00:52:38.780 really appreciate you bringing that up or Hey, in the future, make sure you forgot to bless the food.

00:52:42.980 It's important. We bless the food because X, Y, and Z, right? So you're coaching, you're

00:52:47.820 instructing, you're honoring, you're, you're encouraging, and you're fostering that connection.

00:52:51.960 Um, but this is an area that I'm not great at you. I think you're more qualified to talk about it than

00:52:56.880 I am, Kip. You know, ironically, I was like, you know what, maybe I'll share what I do wrong instead

00:53:03.200 of what I do. Here's my number wrong. My number one wrong is how I show up. And if I'm pissed off and

00:53:11.640 I come in the house and I'm the stolen wall, my wife, and I'm all full of anger and hatred and,

00:53:20.040 you know, maybe hatred sounds a little extreme, but you know, I'm not in a good spiritual state.

00:53:25.560 And Asia goes, Hey, it's time for three scriptures. Do you, do you think I show up to 0.78

00:53:30.880 read scriptures in a really positive light in that scenario? No, I'm like, Oh man. Yeah. I'm

00:53:39.000 contributing zero in that example. And, and most importantly, am I in a spiritual state

00:53:48.360 that is in line with where, where I want my kids to be. And when I'm not, to be honest with you,

00:53:54.160 I'm not leading anybody. If anybody, I'm probably detracting from what exists in our household.

00:53:59.480 You brought up my number one blocker. Yeah. You brought up an interesting point about

00:54:04.740 Asia saying, Hey, everybody has time to read scriptures. And that's actually similar to the

00:54:10.060 way that my house has been in the past. And I don't think that is exclusively how it should go

00:54:16.500 because what ends up happening is, and look, I'm not good at this. So I'm kind of just

00:54:20.740 shooting off the cuff a little bit here and thinking about things I need to do better.

00:54:24.860 I'm speaking more to myself in this context, but I'm not sure. Well, I am sure that that's not how it

00:54:30.600 should be because if it is, and this is why we have a, such a feminization in the church

00:54:34.820 because it's when they want to get addressed if she didn't. Yeah. Right. Hey, let's talk about

00:54:40.360 kindness and empathy and compassion and consideration, all great things to consider,

00:54:45.640 but that's a feminine, more of a feminine approach to the gospel. A more masculine approach

00:54:52.900 is strength, courage, honor, conviction. And if I did a better job bringing those lessons and those

00:55:03.820 stories from the Bible and that side of the equation, it would be a more well-rounded approach

00:55:09.480 to the gospel. It wouldn't be so feminine. And we would be able to inject more of the masculinity

00:55:14.680 that is inherently infused into scripture. We just don't do a good job articulating it,

00:55:20.720 or at least I don't. So yeah, I appreciate asking the question because it's got me thinking about

00:55:24.700 what I need to do better. Yeah. Yeah. Me too. Let me ask you this. Cause I, I find this interesting

00:55:30.280 and, and, and I guess my question to you, Ryan is, do you feel, what, how would you package this up?

00:55:37.200 And, and do you think this is probably a common thing for men? If I would show up that way and,

00:55:45.840 and I'm not saying this is good by the way. So this isn't like an excuse or anything.

00:55:49.380 Um, but it's interesting how, if I were a single father, that, that spiritualness in the, in the

00:55:58.340 home and bringing that to the table and making sure that happens and me showing up more powerfully

00:56:03.220 would totally be present. But because I'm married, I understand. Oh God, if, but, but if, but if I was,

00:56:12.200 but when I'm married, I'm like, Oh, well, you know, I'm going to outsource that. Right. Or

00:56:18.040 it does become a priority because I know it will be handled. And then I would get withdrawn and I'm

00:56:22.800 presiding less in those examples versus if I was running solo as a father, you know, I'd kind of

00:56:28.820 rise through the occasion a little bit better. Right. Then I do when I'm not, when I'm not required

00:56:33.560 to. Yeah. I I'm sure that's the, either that, or as a single father, maybe you wouldn't do it at all.

00:56:41.000 Yeah. And maybe there'd be no spiritual element of that when the kids are with you. That's something

00:56:47.380 to consider as well. Would their, their spiritual development be stunted because you're not talking

00:56:54.920 about that at all. But what recommendation would you give guys where they've, they've checked out of

00:57:01.520 maybe certain areas because they do have a spouse and they know what will get handled. And in some of

00:57:07.260 those, because I do think that is a common pitfall, whether it's the involvement of our children in

00:57:12.800 their schooling or other areas where we've kind of stopped quote unquote presiding because, you know,

00:57:20.680 it's getting handled. Yeah. That's a trap, right? I mean, that's, that's a beautiful thing about

00:57:26.120 our, our wives and the people that we're partnered with is they're so strong and capable and can do so

00:57:30.560 much. They're independent and capable and intelligent and hardworking and dedicated and committed. And so we're

00:57:36.600 like, check, I don't need to do that because she's got it all taken care of. I wish I could tell you

00:57:42.360 I was great in this department. I'm not, it's very easy for me to focus on the business aspect of my

00:57:46.480 life and say, Hey, well, I'm the breadwinner. I'm doing, I'm doing this work. And you know,

00:57:50.640 unfortunately I think that realization happens too little too late at times. And the relationship is

00:57:57.640 no longer salvageable, but it doesn't have to get to that point. And so I would suggest that you and

00:58:03.680 your wife sit down and you communicate about what she's doing and what you're doing and what her

00:58:07.640 role is and what your role is. And by the way, they're not mutually exclusive. Like if you're

00:58:13.260 homeschooling your children, and this is something I've fallen prey to and guilty of is that, okay,

00:58:18.520 that's her role. No, it's not her role. It's, it's our role. And I don't just get to, like you said,

00:58:25.500 outsource all of it. There's things that I do. So lately I've been a little bit more involved with

00:58:31.380 making sure that they're getting their work done. Um, I teach science to them on Wednesdays because

00:58:35.860 that, that was an agreement that we came to where I could be involved in it. Um, we do, we do projects.

00:58:41.640 We built a volcano the other day with my son. Uh, and so it's, I'm not outsourcing it anymore.

00:58:48.540 I'm actually actively engaged in it. Uh, same thing with cooking, you know, the dynamic in our house is

00:58:53.460 my wife cooks. Well, is that, does that have to be the dynamic? I've started to cook a little bit

00:58:59.840 more. And I usually cook with my daughter, do a Sunday breakfast and Tuesday dinner. That's my

00:59:03.960 cooking nights and day. And it's fun. You know, it gives, it gives my wife a reprieve from that.

00:59:10.580 Uh, my daughter and I are more connected. I didn't really know how to connect with her very well. So

00:59:14.580 we can connect over that. It's awesome. So yeah, we should get involved in every aspect of our family's

00:59:21.080 lives. And it gives the family opportunity to have intermittent fasting whenever a dad's cooking on,

00:59:27.520 on Sunday and Wednesday nights. I'm good at whatever I do. So if I decide to start

00:59:33.660 taking up cooking, then I'm going to be a great cook. No, there's been some hit or miss meals.

00:59:38.460 Uh, I'm about 60, 40, 60, good, 40, bad. Yeah. That's well. And I, I'm, I'm joking because I cook,

00:59:47.440 I have two meals. I cook. There's two things I make. And my kids know those are the two things I make.

00:59:52.720 The problem is I never make those two things like maybe once or twice a year. Right. So guys,

00:59:58.140 if you want to know, if you want to get better at cooking, here's what I would suggest.

01:00:03.360 And this is what I've been doing is instant pots are incredible. Number one, like if you could do

01:00:11.020 anything, I've done enchiladas, mousse, rose, chili, instant, look into instant pot. And my daughter

01:00:17.660 got me this, uh, cookbook with instant pot recipes. Awesome. And then sheet pan meals is the other one.

01:00:24.740 So between those two, I'm learning a lot on those two. Amazing. Amazing. Yeah.

01:00:32.220 Richard Ray, when it comes to journaling, most men I've talked to in my group, myself included,

01:00:37.000 have either been inconsistent with it or have never done it. Well, I know some questions we might ask

01:00:43.180 ourselves are specific to goals we have, but can you share some other good questions we might be

01:00:48.720 asking ourselves? Maybe something that helps you stay more consistent with journaling.

01:00:53.940 Yeah. I, so a couple of prompts that I use is number one, tell how, how was today?

01:01:01.620 That's it. How was today?

01:01:03.620 Just share how the day it was.

01:01:05.120 Right. Hey, today I started off. I went to the gym. I felt pretty good. I felt strong,

01:01:09.260 increased in weights, got home. Everybody was kind of ornery. They woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

01:01:13.180 And that made me feel dot, dot, dot. And here's how I responded. I did this well,

01:01:18.100 but then I kind of lost my patience with my son and I did this and that wasn't good. So tomorrow

01:01:23.160 I'm going to do this. Narrate it, narrate your day. Yeah. Now, if you narrate your day,

01:01:28.520 you're going to start to see objectively what your day actually looks like. And you might find out,

01:01:32.120 Hey, I showed up pretty well today. Or you might find out that I thought I showed up well,

01:01:35.780 but I actually didn't. And then you come up with a plan for tomorrow. So that's another prompt.

01:01:39.960 In what area of my life could I use some improvement? And how am I going to show up

01:01:47.040 tomorrow to improve in that department? One prompt I've used quite a bit is when I'm feeling down,

01:01:52.620 whether it's sad or angry or any range of emotions that we experience, I document that. I write that

01:01:58.760 down. Hey, I'm feeling this way because, or if my wife says something to me and it triggers me

01:02:04.460 emotionally and we say we're above it, but really not, you know, we get pissed off. I need, I want

01:02:11.080 to write that down because it's probably not what she said that pissed me off. It's the way that I

01:02:16.620 interpreted it and the way that that interpretation made me feel about it. And that usually comes from

01:02:22.660 something else. It could come from another experience that we had or some sort of trauma

01:02:28.580 that we internalized as young boys. And now your wife does it like maybe she's, uh, she's talking

01:02:35.400 about a coworker and who happens to be a male and you feel yourself getting super jealous.

01:02:43.040 Okay. What's going on here? Like, is there infidelity issues or is it that you're just getting

01:02:47.940 jealous for no reason because you had a past experience where maybe your, your first wife

01:02:52.700 cheated on you. And now you're dragging that into the relationship. That's going to create some real 0.99

01:02:58.580 problems. So you need to get to the root of those issues. And journaling is very powerful to be able

01:03:03.280 to do that. Uh, another prompt that I use is lessons that I've learned that I would like my children to

01:03:09.240 know. So if my children got ahold of my journal in 10 or 20 years, what, what would I like it to say?

01:03:15.520 Like, what would I want them to learn? What, what lessons from life would I want them to extract?

01:03:21.020 And I will write in the context of them at some point reading. So I think between those four or

01:03:26.120 five things, you have an unlimited number of variables in your life to talk about.

01:03:31.980 Totally. I'll share it. I'm just all about sharing my own pitfalls today. So one pitfall that I had

01:03:37.560 around journaling is I would, I would write too much. So I'd end up writing so much that tomorrow

01:03:44.480 I'd be like, ah, I don't want to journal today because last yesterday, it took me an hour and

01:03:50.660 you know what I mean? It was like this, it was too much of a chore. The barrier I created for

01:03:55.780 journaling was too much. So I took equal prompts, right? That you're already giving, but they're

01:04:04.120 short and sweet. And I, and I limit my time. I'm like, I'm journaling for 15 minutes, 50 minutes are

01:04:11.160 up. I, I wrap up the thought and I move on. Yeah. And that ensures that tomorrow I'll do it.

01:04:15.960 But it's when I was journaling and I'm trying to catch up and backlog and then it was too much.

01:04:22.040 And then I never want to do it again because it's too much of an effort.

01:04:25.600 Yeah. I, I have my journal just right over here in that drawer and I will put it, pull it out in

01:04:30.040 the middle of the day. If I had an experience again, for me, journaling is a way to

01:04:35.080 come to terms with my emotions. Cause as men, we just don't have clarity. Yeah. Clarity,

01:04:42.300 but under, yeah. Understanding so that, so I'm not so emotional because that's the problem.

01:04:47.960 If we suppress our emotions, we're actually more emotional than if we would just let them out in a

01:04:52.720 healthy way. So for me, it's, you know, I'm really mad right now. I woke up on the wrong side of the

01:04:58.080 bed. Okay. Stop. Like you said, take 10 minutes, just write down. Hey, I had this experience with a 0.97

01:05:03.880 client and it went really poorly and it made me feel inadequate because, uh, you know, I, I felt

01:05:10.780 disrespected by the client or what, I don't know, whatever, just write it down. I promise you just

01:05:17.120 getting it out and getting it out of your head is therapeutic. And then you can also learn from it

01:05:23.160 so that you can react better next time. Yeah. That that's my takeaway on this podcast actually is I

01:05:29.120 don't do that when I'm upset. I journal in my window in the morning when I do, but I

01:05:33.860 don't use it as like a tool of like getting my thoughts out and processing. I actually

01:05:38.480 really like that. It's powerful. Yeah. It's really powerful. Thanks. Uh, Tom Piccolo, after

01:05:44.980 your wife has lost respect for you, can you ever get it back? And how my wife called the 1.00

01:05:50.800 cops and now things that I, that I should have just thinks that I should have just forgiven

01:05:56.780 her. I feel that she has lost respect and played the ultimate card right now. I am only with

01:06:02.640 her to keep my house. There's a lot here. Wait. So the first part of the question made

01:06:08.760 it sound like she lost respect for him. And the second part of the question makes it sound

01:06:13.780 like he lost respect for her or maybe she just lost respect for him because he's only

01:06:19.520 with her for the wrong reason anyway. Right. So I think there's a lot there. Do you want

01:06:24.100 me to read it one more time? No, I think I got it. Got it. Uh, well, number one respect

01:06:30.660 is, is a, uh, it's not a symptom. It's what's the right word. It's a result. It's a result

01:06:37.700 of trust. It's a result of trust. So the hard part with respect is that it takes a long time

01:06:47.300 to develop it, especially when you're talking about hurt people and all of us are hurt because

01:06:53.580 we've all been cheated. We've all been, we've all made bad choices. We've all been wronged.

01:06:58.160 We've all been taken advantage of. So all of us are hurt. And a lot of men have unresolved

01:07:04.260 hurt, meaning they were hurt and they never addressed it and got to the root of it. And

01:07:08.900 so they, they, they can't, they can't get past it. They have trust issues. They don't trust

01:07:14.620 people. They don't even really trust themselves in a lot of ways. So if you find yourself not

01:07:19.040 trusting people, it might be a result of unaddressed hurt or pain in your life. Uh, the other problem

01:07:30.320 with trust is that it can be eroded very, very quickly. I mean, if you, for example, step out

01:07:38.360 on your wife that can erode years and years and years of trust that you've been building up through

01:07:47.760 your actions. So the answer is yes, you can build respect back up, but it takes a rebuilding of trust,

01:07:56.900 which can't happen overnight. And the way that we build trust is we honor our word. That's it.

01:08:04.920 Like that's, that is the foundational truth of, or element of trust is honoring your word.

01:08:12.600 So when you say you're going to take out the trash, you take out the trash. When you say you're going

01:08:17.940 to do a project, you do the project. When you say you're going to pick up the kids, you pick up the

01:08:21.780 kids. When you say you're going to coach the team, you coach the team. When you say you can't do

01:08:25.660 something because you can't do it because of work, then, then you have to honor that too. Like,

01:08:30.960 hey, hon, I told you, remember, I can't do it because even that is undermining trust.

01:08:35.600 When she comes and tests, whether it's consciously or subconsciously, she says, hey,

01:08:40.900 right. I know you said you're working late today, but can you do this thing?

01:08:44.400 That's a test of trust. And you need to be able to say, no, I can't do that thing because

01:08:51.280 I committed to helping my friend move this evening. Remember that also is a sense of trust.

01:09:00.080 Yeah. It's a sense of consistency and reliability. Yeah. In both sides of that coin.

01:09:06.880 Right. Yep. And she sees that you're going to honor your word, not just to her, but other people.

01:09:10.740 That's also important. Okay. So now that we've addressed that, my buddy, my buddy, Keith Yacke,

01:09:18.640 he says this, he says, when the trust goes up, the lust goes up. And what he's saying is that the

01:09:22.540 attraction goes up, right? When, when a woman trusts you, the attraction goes up. But I would also say

01:09:29.340 that you loving a person is, yes, it has an, an opponent, a component of emotion. You're emotionally

01:09:37.380 connected to that person. Women are more in tune to that based on trust, but it's also a choice. 1.00

01:09:43.540 It's a choice. It's a choice. And you say, what did he say? I'm only there because of the house

01:09:51.580 situation. Is that what he said? I'm only with her to keep my house.

01:09:57.960 That's a bad reason to be with somebody, but maybe it's all you need to have some other reasons to be

01:10:04.480 with her. And you might need to choose in this season of your life to love her as opposed to

01:10:13.520 emotionally being in love with her. Because you guys might be going through some really difficult

01:10:21.000 things. I don't know what they are. And so you might have to make the choice of, I'm going to

01:10:25.660 love this woman. Not for the house, but because I don't know if she's the mother of your children.

01:10:31.260 I don't know, but because you choose to choose to, that's why that's it. That's it. Yeah. Now in the

01:10:36.620 meantime, there's things that you should do, right? If she's undermining trust or, uh, or there's some

01:10:42.560 issues that need to be addressed and maybe you need to go to counseling together. Maybe you need

01:10:45.980 to have some deep and serious conversations. Absolutely do those things. But I would suggest

01:10:50.560 to you that in the meantime, despite her flaws, cause you have them too. And I know you have them

01:10:55.660 cause I have them that we are going to choose to love our spouses because why that's what we said

01:11:04.360 we would do when we said I do. And that's an element of trust. You said you would honoring your

01:11:10.000 word. Yeah. Said you would. So now we'll find out because it's easy to honor your word when things are

01:11:16.860 great, but the real test comes when things are not great. You said you would, was that true or not?

01:11:23.880 We'll find out. Yeah. I like it. And you know, one thing that you said around just honoring our word

01:11:32.560 for the establishing of trust. I think some of us will fall into the pitfall of taking certain action

01:11:39.900 and then like immediately like, okay, did I get the result I needed? Is Ryan still, did I manipulate

01:11:46.080 Ryan yet? Does he trust me yet? And it's like, guys, that that's gotta be rooted in, in, in having

01:11:53.360 integrity. And we got, you almost have to just go, Hey, I'm going to do what's right. I'm going to honor

01:11:59.600 my word regardless of the by-product of that, because it's going to take a while. And, and

01:12:06.580 while it's taken a while, you're going to look for results and you're not going to see the fruits of it.

01:12:12.640 And you're going to be tempted to be like, throw your hands up and go, Oh, see, I've tried,

01:12:17.200 Ryan, I tried honoring my word and my commitments and it's not working. And, and, and then lash out

01:12:23.840 emotionally because you're not seeing the results that you want to get. So this has got to be truly

01:12:28.360 rooted in being a man of integrity, not trying to manipulate the situation and, and control how her

01:12:37.100 responses are towards you. It's a great point. I get so many messages from guys who are struggling

01:12:43.300 in their relationship. And at times I'm like, why are you asking me? I don't know what to do,

01:12:48.880 but I do know this. I do know this, that regardless of how a situation turns out between you and your

01:12:58.300 wife, for example, being an integrity and showing respect and being a man of your word is the right,

01:13:07.780 again, this is the theme of this conversation. It's the right thing to do. And your life,

01:13:13.300 will be better because of it. You might not salvage your marriage. That may be too far gone,

01:13:19.040 but there's going to be other people. There's going to be another woman who comes into your life. 0.99

01:13:23.400 And not only that, it just is better for you as a human being to be a man of your word, to be the

01:13:31.160 kind of man that you know, you should have been all along. It's better for you and it's better for

01:13:36.240 everybody else involved. So like you said, being that man of your word is just, it's intrinsically

01:13:44.600 valuable and your motivation for doing it should not be so I can win my wife back, should not be so

01:13:52.280 that I can make amends for things that I did. It's so it's because it's intrinsically what needs to

01:13:59.000 happen. And the outcome, like we said earlier, is irrelevant as to why you're doing it.

01:14:06.060 And isn't that powerful? I mean, that's more power. We talk about sovereignty. That's more

01:14:10.420 powerful than basing your actions on what someone else will or won't do in response because it

01:14:17.240 doesn't matter. I can't control you, Kip. I can't control my wife. So if I'm doing something for her

01:14:22.020 to respond and react a certain way, I'm giving her all my power. I'm going to take the power back.

01:14:28.140 I'm going to do what's right. If she responds positively, wonderful. If she responds negatively,

01:14:34.100 too bad. I have the power and this is how I choose to act regardless of any outside factor.

01:14:41.460 It's profound. And I think, I actually think that's a good, good place to stop if you're okay with that.

01:14:47.000 Awesome. Yep. Absolutely. Okay. So call to action, gentlemen. Iron Council, that's going to be

01:14:53.960 opening up mid-March. So to stay in contact with us or to subscribe to the newsletter or to learn

01:15:01.280 more about it in preparation for when we open up the Iron Council, go to orderofman.com

01:15:05.820 slash ironcouncil or connect with Mr. Mickler on Instagram or Twitter at Ryan Mickler. And of course,

01:15:13.600 if you haven't joined us on our Facebook group, go to facebook.com slash group slash order of man.

01:15:18.640 Um, update on the store, sir. Is there still discounts? Still, still, still discounts trying

01:15:24.000 to clear some inventory out in the store. Uh, so if you head to store.orderofman.com and use the code

01:15:30.120 50, five, zero at checkout. So 50 at checkout, uh, that will be automatically applied to your

01:15:35.540 order. Excellent. All right, guys, that's it. We'll be back on Friday until then go out there,

01:15:41.700 take action and become the man you are meant to be.

01:15:44.300 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

01:15:49.020 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - February 22, 2023

Reclaiming Power in Marriage, How to Journal Effectively, and Measuring Productivity ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript