Order of Man - Recovering and Refocusing on Your Goals, Effectiveness in Parenting and Blended Families, Making Your Marriage a Priority

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.480 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.220 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.780 you can call yourself a man. Hello gentlemen. Welcome to another episode of the Ask Me Anything

00:00:29.860 or also known as the AMA, where we field questions from members of the Iron Council,

00:00:36.820 our exclusive brotherhood, from our Facebook group, our private Facebook group, as well as

00:00:43.200 every so often Ryan Mickler's Instagram. We'll get some questions there as well.

00:00:50.440 What a crazy time. So first off, I'm running solo today. No Mr. Mickler. He's out with the family.

00:00:57.180 It's called Priority. And he's putting his family first today. And I'm sure he does on a regular

00:01:03.920 basis. I don't mean to take away from that, but ultimately he's with his family traveling and

00:01:08.100 whatnot. And so you're getting me running solo today on the AMA. And what I was about to say,

00:01:14.260 what crazy times, right? Like, you know, I pull up the news and it's everything from China passing a

00:01:21.360 sweeping Hong Kong national security law to three men arrested in Iran for selling babies.

00:01:28.040 China research discovers a new possible swine flu pandemic that could occur. And of course,

00:01:35.040 Kim Kardashian's cosmetic line is worth $1 billion. But regardless, what crazy times. And,

00:01:41.520 and I was thinking about what we do here on the podcast, what we do in the Iron Council.

00:01:47.280 And, and one way that we could potentially summarize it is we focus on the things in which

00:01:54.880 are within our control. And that is how we show up as men for our families. That is how we show up

00:02:02.760 in our places of employment. It's how we show up to our neighbors and our communities.

00:02:08.160 And it's very much in our control and the impact that we can have, uh, not only in our communities,

00:02:16.100 but in our countries based upon us leveling up and focusing on our family units and focusing on

00:02:24.260 bettering those around us. That is how we create impact. Now I'm not saying that we shouldn't tackle

00:02:30.040 and take on bigger problems above and beyond ourselves. However, what right do we have to be

00:02:37.840 bitching and moaning about how things are not ideal when our lives are falling apart at home?

00:02:45.780 And that's what I think we kind of do here. I not kind of, that's what we do here.

00:02:50.440 Ryan has an episode, a interview episode in which he does on Tuesdays with just high caliber individuals

00:02:56.760 that with the intent to bring great deal of insight and knowledge to you guys. So you can take that

00:03:03.980 and apply it into your lives. We have the ask me anything, uh, which is this episode where we

00:03:09.320 filled questions from you men with the idea that we're sharing, right? That through these questions,

00:03:13.960 it's creating some, uh, thought provoking ideas for each of you, for you to consider in your own

00:03:19.720 lives as well. And then of course, uh, Mr. Mickler does a Friday show, um, called Friday field notes,

00:03:26.220 where he just, uh, so jumps on a soapbox on a particular subject and, uh, drop some, some

00:03:32.440 knowledge for you guys. Now, some of you guys might be listening today, assuming that we're going to do

00:03:36.360 an interview with Brian Mitchler, not to be confused with Ryan Mickler. Um, we're going to

00:03:43.560 have to postpone that interview. I think we're going to probably let that, uh, interview with that

00:03:48.200 special guest, Brian probably happen next week. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about,

00:03:52.800 then you obviously need to be following us on our social media accounts, uh, and or on Facebook

00:03:58.640 because, uh, otherwise everyone else is kind of knows the inside, well, the inside, uh, scoop in

00:04:04.700 regards to this Brian Mitchler guy, but let's just say it's, it's going to be a great episode. So

00:04:10.140 anyhow, let's, let's get into these questions. Um, a handful of these questions are from our

00:04:15.680 Facebook group. That's facebook.com slash group slash order of man. And I'm also building some

00:04:20.700 questions. Um, I believe from some iron council members to learn more about that mastermind and

00:04:28.020 brotherhood go to order of man.com slash iron council. And once again, um, yeah, we'll do our

00:04:35.720 best. And some of these questions I might be skipping a little bit because I think they're a little bit

00:04:39.600 more geared towards Ryan. And I, I don't think I'd be doing it justice by trying to answer these on

00:04:44.700 my own. So our first question, uh, bill tail. Uh, Hey bill, how's it going? Um, I asked the same

00:04:51.240 question in the iron council, but I'll ask it again. If you find yourself deviating from your

00:04:56.100 battle plan, how do you recommend recovering and refocusing more to the point? How do you rewrite

00:05:02.600 your vision statement to develop more relevant and resilient battle plans? So let me guys give you a

00:05:09.340 little bit of a background. So within the iron council, uh, we have this concept of battle plans

00:05:15.400 and what a battle plan is, is roughly our focus objectives and tactics over a 12 week period of

00:05:21.940 time. This is what we, um, each team member within the iron council, we establish our battle plans.

00:05:28.960 We communicate it to our teams. Our team is then holding us accountable to our word, to our commitment

00:05:37.940 and, and that's what bill's talking about here. And of course your battle plan should be tied to a

00:05:43.700 vision, uh, a statement for yourself in regards to what direction you're going, um, possibly year

00:05:51.120 out, three, five years out. So let me, let me first lay some groundwork bill. So I, I think first,

00:05:57.180 first thing is that vision statement. And I, this is kind of a kip ism, but that vision statement

00:06:02.800 should move, touch, and inspire you. If you read it, you should be inspired. And if you're not,

00:06:12.480 in my opinion, you need to reward it. It needs to get the blood pumping and you need to see the impact

00:06:20.060 and the importance of you becoming that man. And so that could be everything from, um, focus on the

00:06:29.260 positive side in regards to how you might show up and the kind of environment you're creating for

00:06:33.960 your family and the impact you're going to make, but it could also be very negative.

00:06:38.780 And I, and I'm, you know, me and Ryan, we talk about this sometimes that, you know, the chick,

00:06:42.660 the, the stick or the carrot, right? It's like the carrot is like the positive reward. The stick is

00:06:47.160 what you get hit with. And that's the negative side. The stick motivates me, right? If, if I think

00:06:53.420 about my death and having regret, knowing that I could have done better, knowing that my kids may

00:07:04.240 be in a position in their lives today because of my failure to show up, that motivates me

00:07:10.960 substantially more. So figure out whatever that is and get a vision that moves, touches, and inspires

00:07:18.900 you. Now let's talk about deviating from your battle plan. I think the number one thing is

00:07:23.860 accountability. You got to hold yourself accountable and, and it's not. And so what's

00:07:30.020 clarify accountability one, um, communicate it and, and, and enroll people in your battle plan and what

00:07:40.040 you plan to accomplish in the next 12 weeks. And, and that enrollment or that enlistment conversation

00:07:46.540 that you might have with someone. I'm using that term for a reason. I'm not saying communicate

00:07:51.160 to someone. I'm saying enlist them, inspire them. So they hear what you're about and what you plan to

00:07:57.940 accomplish over the next 12 weeks. And they're like, damn bill dude. Like I want one of those.

00:08:03.660 I want that for myself. Like share in a way that you're inspiring other people and that naturally by

00:08:11.360 itself will help hold you accountable and it puts it out there for it to be possible for others.

00:08:18.200 And guess what about this other, this as well, guys, if you're about something and you're passionate

00:08:24.040 about it and you're enlisting people, guess what happens? People want to help you. You inspire them

00:08:31.940 and then they go, geez, what can I do to help you bill? I'm moving inspired. Let me do what I can do.

00:08:39.040 And they want to join you. AKA also hold you accountable. So I would have enlistment

00:08:46.880 conversations about your battle plan and about what your plan to accomplish, right? Involve those

00:08:52.860 in your life. Second, get team members. Now, obviously bill, you already have this established,

00:08:58.040 right? This is one of the key things in the iron council. We have a team. Your team should be

00:09:03.060 intimate with your tactics of what you're working on, on a daily basis or on a weekly basis.

00:09:08.100 They should be holding you accountable. If you're slipping and you're not doing what you said you

00:09:14.320 would do. So let's be really frank. You are committing to your team that you are going to do

00:09:20.660 X and you are going to honor your word or you are not. You are going to be integrity or you're going to

00:09:30.060 have integrity or you're going to be out of integrity. Sounds unreasonable, doesn't it? But

00:09:37.200 that's what effectiveness looks like. It is unreasonable. Be unreasonable with yourself.

00:09:44.380 Don't slip. Have your men hold you accountable and expect you to honor your word.

00:09:51.060 And you do that by sharing and asking for that level of accountability. And I want to be really

00:09:58.040 clear. And I think this is valuable for the guys in the IC and it's very valuable for people outside

00:10:03.060 the iron council. If bill, you showed and you shared your battle plan in a way that you enlisted others

00:10:10.520 about what you're about, they're not holding you accountable to, you know, date night on Friday

00:10:16.840 with your wife. They're holding you accountable to you, improving your relationship with your wife.

00:10:23.900 They're holding you accountable to creating the type of environment in your home where your kids

00:10:29.300 can see what it looks like to have a healthy relationship with a female and a female with a

00:10:35.060 male. It is much bigger than the little tactic. It's about the man you are choosing to be and how you

00:10:43.460 show up that they're holding you accountable to. The impact is far greater than our little tactics.

00:10:48.660 It's what's tied. It's what those tactics are tied to. And that's the vision. And that's what

00:10:53.960 they're holding you accountable to a man of your word. So that's what I'd focus on. All right.

00:11:01.680 Chris Baber, my oldest daughter and her one and a half year old son live with us. So I have two

00:11:08.940 questions for you guys. My daughter's 21 and neither has her phone or a PS4 controller in her hand.

00:11:16.640 How can I help her break this? And then second question, what advice do y'all have on raising

00:11:22.180 boys? So, uh, so Chris, you're going to get my spill. My apologies that, that, uh, you don't have

00:11:27.940 Ryan to, to, um, to add to this, but you know, obviously we can always answer future questions.

00:11:33.320 So she's 21, uh, and she has a son and she's a woman. So she's an adult, right? So this is going

00:11:43.760 to be hard, right? Like your influence, um, to be Frank is limited at this point, right? She's 21

00:11:50.620 years old. She's her own adult. And so, um, that makes it a little bit trickier. So I'm going to give

00:11:57.000 you a resource. Uh, let me pull it up here. Uh, and I thought this was highly valuable. So there is

00:12:04.460 a speaker, uh, by the name of Colin, uh, Karchner. Yeah. Karchner, uh, Colin Karchner. And he, uh, does

00:12:14.880 presentations around the effects of social media. Um, and so, and I know that's not the PS4 part,

00:12:23.540 but at least it covers maybe the phone, right? And so I'm assuming that phone's in her hand all

00:12:27.340 the time because of Facebook or Instagram and social media. I would actually look up some of

00:12:34.180 his YouTube videos. I think he's done a Ted talk in the past and he breaks down the negative effects

00:12:40.520 of social media, um, particularly on children and parents for that matter. And so, and she's a parent,

00:12:48.360 right? So I would share maybe that resource with her. Um, I think you can't preach. I think you can

00:12:55.360 share and probably be a positive influence, um, probably more than anything else. And, and then

00:13:01.760 in the last part, the one thought, another thought that comes to mind, Chris, that I would say

00:13:06.100 is, you know, I've done this in the past where, where I've done, uh, a commitment to myself that I

00:13:13.960 wouldn't be on my phone like past 6 PM. Uh, which meant that by the time I'm home, I'm not touching

00:13:20.220 my phone for the rest of the day. And it's interesting is the number one thing that was

00:13:24.600 apparent to me is how often everyone else was on their phone. My, my teenage kids and my wife and

00:13:31.140 everything else. And it really became more present to me how much my phone and my electronics

00:13:40.760 prevents me from being fully present with my children. And in fact, I would even argue for

00:13:48.600 some of us, look how often people are present in meetings. They're not present, right? They're

00:13:57.600 sitting in the conference room and they have their phone up. They're multitasking, which

00:14:00.700 by the way, just means they're not being fully present. How ineffective is that? It's highly

00:14:07.520 ineffective. And we are start creating this habit or this opinion of like fight for my attention.

00:14:16.160 And so at 1.5, you know, my son is actually a one and a half year old and he knows, he knows if I'm

00:14:26.700 not paying attention to him, right? He knows that I'm holding a phone, right? Like he knows he may not

00:14:34.580 be able to articulate what it means, but guaranteed there's meaning already happening, right? That he

00:14:41.100 has to beg for attention when that stupid device is in my hand. And it, it motivates me to think

00:14:48.460 about this from the perspective of, do I want my son to have to fight for my attention? Do I not want

00:14:56.560 to be present at all times when I, when I'm meant to be present to him? Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not

00:15:02.620 saying that, you know, quit your jogging and just like focus on being present to your kids all the

00:15:06.140 time. No, we have stuff we have to do, but, but when we're doing those things, we should be fully

00:15:12.660 involved. And that includes being fully involved when we play with our kids and everything else.

00:15:17.660 And, and I don't know about you and everyone else listening, but whenever I've tried to multitask,

00:15:22.900 getting things done around the house and then spending time with my kids, I'm irritable. I'm pissed off.

00:15:28.780 I'm trying to get stuff done. Kids, you're, you're being too loud. Give me a second. It takes 10

00:15:33.960 minutes. They're getting irritable. I'm getting frustrated. It doesn't work. Like just stop.

00:15:40.580 I've had this problem so many times, like earlier in my years, when my first time, when I had to take

00:15:45.600 my kids for an entire summer by myself, um, because I was divorced and, and I had them full time and I was

00:15:52.140 working full time. And I remember I would really like, I'd try to get home and I try to focus stuff

00:15:58.680 and I would just get pissy. And eventually I was just like, screw it. What am I doing? And so I

00:16:05.380 put the laptop away and I do nothing but play. I would just play with my kids. I would get on the

00:16:12.000 floor. I'd grab Nerf guns that I'd shoot, shoot them or weird wrestle or whatever. But I would just,

00:16:18.140 I was with them and it lightened my load. I wasn't as stressed. And then once they went to bed,

00:16:25.300 then I'd stay up all night working. But the, but the point is it never worked. And I'd probably argue,

00:16:31.160 and I don't know if this is the case, Chris, but I would probably argue it's the same thing for your

00:16:35.060 daughter a little bit, right? Where her playing games and her on her phone, it, she's, she's trying

00:16:41.120 to multitask something and it's just, it's not going to be good for her son. And it's not going to be good

00:16:45.480 for her. So I'm not really even answering your question. How do you influence her? You know what?

00:16:49.660 I'd really focus on, you know, sending her some information, some interesting books. I know the

00:16:54.600 boy crisis book, um, talks about delayed gratification and managing dopamine and exposing

00:17:02.580 children to actual electronics at an early age is actually has a huge negative impact. There's an

00:17:07.880 entire, uh, couple of chapters within that book. Um, and she's raising a boy, you know what? So maybe

00:17:13.920 just get her that book period. And that's a book that she should be reading and, and let her come

00:17:18.000 to those conclusions on her own. I'm assuming when my kids are 21, they're not going to listen to me.

00:17:22.360 And I got, and I got to be a little bit strategic in regards to how I suggest information to them.

00:17:27.420 Um, maybe you, you have way more influence than I will have. Um, but I would focus on just sharing

00:17:32.560 those resources and see if she can come to that conclusion on her own. Um, so there you go, Chris.

00:17:38.040 All right, Jason, uh, Carlson, I just started jujitsu. When will the blisters on the top of my

00:17:44.660 feet turn to calluses? So I laugh, uh, Jason, because, because of the whole COVID-19 thing,

00:17:52.780 we haven't, I haven't trained very much. And that first week is my top of my feet are just bleeding

00:17:59.740 all the time. And what's really bad is if you don't have band-aids with you, um, you know, I,

00:18:05.740 I, you shower, I put on socks and then I put on shoes and then I go out through my day and then

00:18:10.700 I go home. And when I take my socks off, it rips any scabbing off the top of my feet. And then they

00:18:16.620 bleed at night. And then we repeat this process on a daily basis. Every single time I train,

00:18:20.500 this is one of the, uh, uh, just the way it is, uh, when it comes to jujitsu. So a couple of things,

00:18:26.480 one, um, bring band-aids. I actually usually have those in my bag. So that way, right after I shower,

00:18:32.040 I can put band-aids all over the top of my feet to cover those blisters or to cover up those, uh,

00:18:37.120 those spots up that are, um, being cut and Matt burn, um, specific to your question, how long,

00:18:45.160 probably a couple of weeks. Uh, and then you just, you're good to go. It's funny how often that's

00:18:52.640 happened in, even in the past where if I'm not training on a regular basis as well,

00:18:58.880 I will get like Matt burn on my face. My face seems to be overly sensitive. I'll, I'll get

00:19:05.080 scrapes and bruises and whatnot a lot easier. And then once you're training consistently,

00:19:12.160 your body kind of toughens up a little bit and then those don't, don't show as much, but, uh,

00:19:16.880 yeah, just give it a couple of weeks and those should be, uh, nice and calloused up and you should

00:19:20.880 be good to go. Alan Kemus, uh, is there really as a big of a presence of the leftist mentality as the

00:19:29.720 media portrays? Because according to my social media pages, there is not, or is that just the

00:19:35.300 way I have created them, which has given me the false sense of truth, dude, that's all that Google

00:19:41.980 is, is an affirmation of your opinions. That's what I think. And social media. So when I Google

00:19:48.440 something, all I'm getting is affirmation. It's it, they should rename Google to like affirmation

00:19:53.460 search. Let me show you all the things that we think that you already want to see. So for sure,

00:19:58.960 I think there's a level of that in our social media. There's a level of that within, uh, Google

00:20:04.140 and search, uh, search engines. That's just the reality of how technology works because that makes

00:20:10.700 it more valuable. They reaffirm what I already think. And I like the search results, right? So I think

00:20:17.640 we need to be realists and realize that that is the case. Um, now, whether there's a big presence

00:20:24.660 of leftist mentality, I don't know if it's so much that is it's news, right? So it's whatever sells.

00:20:31.200 Um, and I think we have to be very mature and realize, um, that there's always more agenda and

00:20:38.960 reasoning behind things. It's crazy. You know, just the other day, I was just looking at some

00:20:45.420 statistics around COVID-19. And, and one of the things that I read the other day was that there's

00:20:51.260 been this huge spike in COVID-19, um, results and, and what, and based upon what I read anyway,

00:20:58.280 that those, there's a major spike because that count is not new cases only it's new cases. And

00:21:07.560 it's people that are being tested for the antibody in their, in their system. And then they count that

00:21:13.840 as a new COVID-19 case, even though they've had it, like they had COVID-19 like three months ago.

00:21:20.320 And so now it skews these numbers, right? And then, and then I jumped over and I saw a post

00:21:26.860 from someone on CNN and the post on CNN was like something drastically different than the article I

00:21:31.900 read. Right. And, and I'm not saying one was right and one was wrong, but we need to be mature

00:21:37.680 and realize that, you know, if everyone, anyone that's ever taken stats in college, you know,

00:21:43.620 this, you can create whatever story you want to make for the most part, right? You could argue and

00:21:49.460 debate a point of view using the same exact numbers based upon how we present them. And, and the reality

00:21:55.860 of it is, let's be frank, all of us are just regurgitating information that we've heard somewhere,

00:22:00.700 right? I doubt any of us are actually doing COVID-19 tests that we're actually in a lab and we

00:22:06.540 understand, you know, how that shows up. And we're looking at all the lab results and the raw data.

00:22:11.880 We're not, we're regurgitating what we see. I'm regurgitating stuff I see on social media. I

00:22:16.660 regurgitate stuff I see on news articles and pages. Everyone is. And then what's ironic about it,

00:22:22.040 you're going to get me on a soapbox here. What's ironic about it. Then we debate with someone.

00:22:26.440 Oh, I see it this way. And you see this based upon what information that you've both regurgitated,

00:22:31.680 right? We just need to be mature and realize that most of us are just repeating information that

00:22:40.460 we've already read from a search or social media algorithms that are just going to reconfirm our

00:22:48.020 existing beliefs for the most part. And that we're going to see news and articles that are clickbait,

00:22:54.420 right? That the, that the news title that I click on is one that's going to drive more clicks.

00:23:00.360 And that is the reality of it, right? Whether good or bad, that's the truth. And so we just need

00:23:06.200 to be mature about that and be a little bit slow. And here's just my take, just be a little slow to

00:23:12.000 argue and be a little slow to assume that, that that article is accurate, that they didn't kind of

00:23:17.480 twist the truth a little bit and maybe even read the article. I can't count how many times I've read

00:23:23.860 some article. I think I was talking with Ryan about this a couple of weeks ago about, I read some

00:23:28.840 article about a town that like defunded their police and they've had huge success. And then I read the

00:23:33.720 article and it's like, Oh, they just reorganized their police. Like, like they're fired, like the

00:23:38.980 head, you know, uh, positions within the police force and they hired new, like they didn't defund them

00:23:45.620 and get rid of them. Right. But the title made it think that way. Right. And so we just need to be

00:23:51.760 mature and discern and realize that there's a little bit more to every story. Um, and we may

00:23:58.460 not be getting the full story at all the time. So, all right, just in a cuff, do you and your family

00:24:05.080 do any kind of devotional scripture study? If so, what, and how do you fit it into your family routine?

00:24:10.700 Um, so Justin, first off, we're not the best. Um, sometimes it is, it's kind of interesting.

00:24:17.060 I'm like, we'll do these stents and we're totally on top of things. And then we'll, I don't know,

00:24:20.540 life happens. We come up with excuses and then we kind of fall to the wayside a little bit. So,

00:24:25.500 um, when we do, it's typically at night. So we will get ready for bed and then we'll, uh, do some

00:24:34.340 scripture study and, or we'll use that as an opportune time to discuss something that we think is

00:24:40.220 important. Uh, my wife and I went, might, we might determine like, Hey, we need to address this issue

00:24:44.860 as a family and talk about it and whatever. And so we'll use, we'll call an audible sometimes and

00:24:50.740 use that platform as a, as a time to kind of discuss important points. Otherwise we kind of default,

00:24:55.920 um, to scripture study. Um, and there's been some times where we've tried to be creative or I've tried

00:25:02.120 to be creative. Um, I probably need to do that a little bit more often, whether it's, uh, a game,

00:25:08.900 uh, of some sort or having different children, uh, prepare something in place. Uh, in times what

00:25:15.760 we've also done is like someone's responsible for the prayer and then we'll read, study, uh,

00:25:21.660 study some scriptures we'll discuss, and then we'll have a dessert, right? So there's a little

00:25:25.520 bit of like a reward system around what we're doing as a family. Um, but that's typically what

00:25:32.300 we've done. I believe Mickler's, they actually do like a morning routine, I think, um, where they're

00:25:38.020 doing scripture study in the mornings, but, but we, and we actually have also, um, like a book that

00:25:44.140 like simplifies the Bible a little bit and kind of share some stories. And there's, there's lots of

00:25:49.340 resources online on how to make that a little bit more entertaining for, especially if you have

00:25:53.100 littles. Um, our struggle is we have older kids and we have these little kids. And so sometimes just

00:25:57.900 talking deep, uh, you know, doesn't involve the younger kids as much. So we try to kind of,

00:26:05.360 uh, how do I say it? We try to adjust the message a little bit. So it's a little bit more applicable

00:26:10.480 to the younger kids. Um, that way they get the benefit out of it. Um, Justin, I know this is not

00:26:16.740 your question, but I, but if, if you don't mind me adding to this, cause I think, I don't know,

00:26:21.540 I think it's related and I think it might be valuable. One thing that as my kids have gotten

00:26:26.500 older that I've realized is that family devotional is reliant on who, right? It's, it's reliant on mom

00:26:32.740 and dad doing it, right? It's not, my kids aren't taking the initiative to do that. And so I think

00:26:37.380 where we give them some opportunity and responsibility to present a thought or present,

00:26:43.120 you know, study, maybe they just study a chapter and they present on what they learned is and give

00:26:48.460 them a responsibility as part of the devotional, uh, that could be a huge value add. The other thing is

00:26:54.620 I wouldn't take away, um, from their personal study or their personal prayers. I think there's a

00:27:01.800 personal element that sometimes gets overlooked when we focus on, on family. And so, you know,

00:27:07.560 because of that, you know, my wife and I, we've, we've started doing personal prayers with our kids

00:27:12.600 where we'll just go to their room and we'll, you know, ready, set, go. And we all say our personal

00:27:19.720 prayers. And then we all say, amen, when we're done. Right. And the other ones, you know, stay,

00:27:24.720 you know, reverent until everyone's finished with their personal prayers. And that way we're

00:27:28.240 encouraging, um, that personal relationship with their creator and not just, you know,

00:27:34.000 family focused. And so I think that principle applies not only to scripture study, but, but

00:27:39.100 also to prayers both individually and, and for family. All right. Mark Reeves about to begin a

00:27:47.040 major remodeling of a bathroom. And I'm hesitating because I've never done something like this.

00:27:51.880 How would you suggest defeating this self-doubt? I Mark, I grabbed your question. I wanted to answer

00:27:59.280 it because, um, dude, I totally, I, I, I wanted to give thought to this because I struggle with the

00:28:06.720 same exact thing. Um, and I don't know where you're at on this, but here's my thought process.

00:28:12.140 So if it's, um, like a roofing, like we'll probably need to re-roof our house soon.

00:28:18.460 And I want to do it myself. Um, but I'm hesitant to why, because I want to do it right. And that's

00:28:26.200 kind of my, my forte, right? Like if there's something in my house that needs to be done,

00:28:30.480 I procrastinate doing it, or I don't want to do it because I don't want to do it wrong.

00:28:37.420 And the irony is when, when I think about that, and I'm sure when you think about that,

00:28:43.280 first off, there is no learning without doing, and there's no removal or creation of confidence

00:28:51.880 without action. And so I think we just need to act more and realize that you're not going to get it

00:28:59.020 right. That, you know, the remodel of the bathroom may not be perfect, but the only, the only way you're

00:29:05.520 going to get confidence on remodeling the bathroom is by remodeling the bathroom period. And, and I think

00:29:11.840 that's, and we can use the same principle and spread it across all kinds of things, right?

00:29:17.600 Jiu-jitsu for instance. Oh man, I don't want to go to Jiu-jitsu. Why? Cause I get my ass kicked

00:29:21.340 and I'm not very good and I'm horrible. How do I get good and better? I go and I work and I put in

00:29:29.780 the time and I continue putting in more and more time until I have confidence. I was talking to my son

00:29:34.680 about this just the other day. It's like, you know, he's like, man, I'm starting to feel a little bit

00:29:39.300 better about Jiu-jitsu. I'm like, all takes time. It's all about reps. That's all it is. Whether it's

00:29:44.940 skateboarding, whether it's what we do at our jobs at being, you know, the best in our professions, it's all

00:29:50.420 about the reps. So the more reps you can get, the better. Now here's some strategies, Mark, that, that I

00:29:56.100 have used in the past and, and probably need to do more. So this isn't me preaching. This is just me sharing

00:30:02.620 my ideas here, but I think there are some strategies. The strategies are ask other people

00:30:08.120 if you can participate and, or help them on their bathroom remodel. So look for opportunities to get

00:30:14.200 experience before you have to do your own by yourself. The other thing that has crossed my mind,

00:30:18.880 like for instance, you know, I mentioned roofing our house. We've been wanting to do that. What do I

00:30:24.020 plan to do? Hire a consultant. If you want to use that term or professional to coach me in how to

00:30:32.540 correctly. So my brother-in-law, he's done that before my brother has as well. So I plan to have

00:30:38.580 them. I don't need them to do it for me. I want them to teach me to do it. So I may pay them to come

00:30:45.080 give me, you know, some guidance and direction, and then let me run with it so I can then continue

00:30:51.500 to learn. And so I think there's some opportunities here where we can use coaching and or guidance from

00:30:55.760 other, other individuals to help mitigate, you know, disasters. Um, because obviously we could

00:31:02.540 just take action all we want, but you know, we might destroy, you may destroy your bathroom,

00:31:06.700 right. Or I might destroy my roof or my house. So, um, I think I'd look for coaching guidance,

00:31:11.840 look for opportunities to help other people do the same thing and really just get past it by taking

00:31:18.180 action and, and solely working on realizing and realizing that it's not going to be perfect.

00:31:23.020 And in the grand scheme of things, it probably doesn't need to be. And we're probably just trying

00:31:27.800 to be perfectionist where it's not necessary. Um, uh, guaranteed most things I do, um, are probably

00:31:35.560 look great. And my wife's like, Oh, that looks wonderful. And it's me that notices the flaws,

00:31:40.440 not her or anyone else. And so a lot of that might just be in our heads and making too big of a deal

00:31:45.720 about something. So, all right, Nick, uh, McNeely before having a child with my wife, what are a few

00:31:53.300 crucial components that need to, uh, be addressed. So when the child is born, we are ready. I know man,

00:32:00.400 no man is truly ready, but I also understand that there must be some things that need to be ready

00:32:05.580 or addressed. Thanks Ryan Mickler and Kip Sorensen for what you do. Yeah. So you said it, Nick, right?

00:32:13.200 No, one's going to be fully ready. Um, and, and it's funny because sometimes that's just a kick in

00:32:20.040 the butt that we need. Uh, there was major shift in my life when, when I found my wife was pregnant

00:32:26.580 with our first son. I, it was like a light switch. I went from like selfish, um, focused on me to like,

00:32:34.780 holy crap, like I need to get my act together. This is serious. It's game time. And, and I

00:32:40.860 started thinking things really, really serious. And so, so just the component of itself will kind of

00:32:48.300 help us get more serious, but crucial things that I think need to be addressed.

00:32:52.860 I'm mostly thinking about, um, you and your wife being on the same page in regards to how you parent.

00:32:59.600 Um, obviously you need to be financially in a position where you can provide for a child and

00:33:05.580 you know what I mean? That you're not living on the streets. And I think those,

00:33:08.420 those kinds of things are kind of givens. Um, and, and the same thing, like I wouldn't put too much

00:33:13.920 stress on, I, we hear this a lot, like, Oh, I want to provide for my family and give them the

00:33:18.940 comfort of life that, you know, I never had. And, you know, paint this big picture of how grand of a

00:33:24.920 benefit that we want to give our kids. And over the years, I've realized that that's so not the

00:33:32.020 right focus in the current scheme of things. And I use this analogy sometimes in the grand scheme of

00:33:38.040 things. If you wanted the best for your children, uh, you would probably sell all your crap

00:33:42.660 and move to a farm and work on a regular basis and probably be poor. And that probably is in a

00:33:54.260 good position for your kids because then they're going to lose, uh, or, or learn work ethic and all

00:34:00.080 these other principles that, that come from that lifestyle. I actually think our comforts, the comforts

00:34:05.240 that Asia and I have created for our family probably do more negative than good fun experiences. Don't

00:34:11.040 me wrong. Super fun and exciting and, you know, great life. But I don't know if that really, if they

00:34:18.900 really contribute in building character and the things that they need to learn to, to become more

00:34:24.940 effective adults and to find joy and fulfillment in life. I think it's harder, the, the softer our

00:34:31.860 lives are and the more convenient our lives are. But anyhow, I know that's not your question. So let's talk

00:34:36.380 about, uh, uh, components, right? Crucial components is the term you used. Um, I would get on the page,

00:34:45.580 same page in these areas. One religion. Uh, I think you, you guys need to be knowing what you plan to

00:34:52.300 teach your kids and what's the purpose of life. And, and it's funny, even for you, non-religious guys

00:34:57.880 that, uh, you know, religion is not necessary. Well then come up with purpose. You know, why, why,

00:35:04.500 why even are you alive? What's the purpose of life and what are you wanting to accomplish before you're

00:35:12.340 dead? Like a life of purpose is so much more substantial and fulfilling than just, uh, experience

00:35:20.900 and that's it. You know what I mean? So figure out what that is for you. If it is religion, great,

00:35:26.560 but make sure that you guys are on the same page. Second, um, I would say that you guys understanding

00:35:33.300 the difference between a mom and a dad and their roles and how you guys will come to parenting

00:35:41.060 differently is super, super important. We, I think we live in a society that we one think that men and

00:35:50.680 women should be the same. And when they're not the same, then something's wrong. And I think that

00:35:55.880 includes how we parent. She needs to realize that you bring something to the table that is different

00:36:02.980 than a mom does. And she brings something to the table. That's different than what you bring.

00:36:09.480 And those differences need to be celebrated and honored and respected, not belittled.

00:36:19.740 And, and I want to be really stern about this. They are not the same. A mom will never,

00:36:25.540 ever be able to raise a child the same way with the same benefits of a father and a father.

00:36:35.620 And the same thing goes for a father, raising their children like a mother. They need both

00:36:40.740 and whatever books that you guys need to read to get on the same page and make sure that is clear.

00:36:46.780 I think is crucial.

00:36:53.040 You can, you can pin, you can see that I have an opinion about this subject. So I celebrate the

00:36:58.820 differences of what you guys bring to the table, honor and respect each other. Be on the same page.

00:37:04.620 It doesn't mean you have to raise each other and you're going to disagree on tons of stuff,

00:37:08.340 right? Like, Oh, should we do this or whatever, but don't undermine each other.

00:37:12.680 Don't be on the same page in regards to what you guys decide and, and respect the differences by

00:37:20.540 which you guys raise your children. I would also talk about disciplining. How, how do you plan to

00:37:27.000 discipline children? And, and what are some of the, how do I say this? Like, what are the rituals

00:37:34.080 that you guys want to create as a family? I'd be intentional about it. Now we use this analogy,

00:37:38.860 a few, I don't know when it is all these podcasts are like blurry, but, but at one point, you know,

00:37:45.680 we've talked about intentionality, right? It's like, you want it, you want a job, right? Like Nick,

00:37:51.360 you're, you're, let's say you're going to become a police officer. What do you do? Right? You get

00:37:55.680 official training, you have intentionality and you get trained appropriately. And then you want to

00:38:01.440 become a dad. Do you get trained? No, like we, we take, we like, we think that's built in. We think like,

00:38:08.500 oh, I'm a dad. Well, like now I'll do dad stuff. No, you actually, we should be intentional about it.

00:38:13.100 We should actually think like, oh, okay. What are things I need to learn? I'm having a boy. I'm

00:38:18.680 having a girl. What are the things that what's different when they're teenagers? How do you deal

00:38:23.120 with toddlers? What's your guys' strategy around, um, you know, sleeping time, having the baby sleep

00:38:28.840 with you versus in a crib, like be intentional about it, read up, study, find books and be intentional

00:38:34.660 about how to be a good parent. It, I don't think, I mean, some of it's innate and, and happens by

00:38:40.560 default, but how much more better are we set off when we're being intentional about, you know,

00:38:45.660 how we raise our children and what we expose them to. Right. And are we going to let little Jimmy or

00:38:51.100 little Nikki, you know, look at a screen and, and play on a computer? Are we going to throw him in

00:38:55.840 front of the tube? Maybe we don't want to do that. Do we, maybe should we homeschool? Like there's a

00:38:59.900 lots of things for you guys to determine. And, and I don't think you need to do that all obviously

00:39:05.040 before you have your wife gets pregnant, but be intentional about it because before you know it,

00:39:10.200 you're going to be like me and you're going to have kids that are older and you're going to look

00:39:14.300 back at your life and go shit. Like my time's already over. Right. I lost the opportunity to like

00:39:20.240 be more intentional when there are toddlers because they're not toddlers anymore. Right now they're,

00:39:25.640 I have young men, right. And my window of opportunity and influence has, has gone by and

00:39:31.680 it goes by. And it's such a cliche thing to say, I know, but it goes by so quick. So be intentional,

00:39:36.820 make a plan. It doesn't have to be perfect, but make a plan and be intentional about how you raise

00:39:41.960 your children. All right. I feel like I'm taking way too long to answer all these questions. So my

00:39:46.820 apologies guys, if I'm rambling, Roland Anderson tips and strategies for blending families. I have four

00:39:53.660 kids. My wife has three. We both have full custody. Sometimes things get pretty difficult to balance.

00:40:01.960 I should have read this question ahead of time. Tips and strategies for blending families.

00:40:08.160 So you're up to seven kids. That's a big, uh, that's a big family. Okay. So, um, consistency

00:40:16.540 across the board. Um, I, I would assume based upon my experience of having a blended family,

00:40:23.200 that the number one thing you're going to run into is your kids and spouse assuming favoritism.

00:40:32.800 Uh, well, you know, Roland's nice to his kids, but when it's my kids, we're having consistent

00:40:38.420 message, you know, we, we are, you know, you might be tempted to take more of a reins in regards to

00:40:47.280 raising your kids and then back off with raising hers and et cetera. I, I think consistency is number

00:40:56.400 one. Every kid, um, is different and you need to raise them slightly different because they're not

00:41:03.680 the same, right? They're different humans, right? So we, we need to treat them different, but our

00:41:09.240 strategy and boundaries need to be consistent across the board. That way we help mitigate that

00:41:14.660 whole idea that like he loves his kids more than he loves me kind of thing. And guaranteed this is

00:41:19.680 going to show up at least I think it will. Um, this is probably the number one issue in, in our blended

00:41:27.660 family is that conversation. And, and I think one of the ways that you mitigate it is by open

00:41:35.560 communication with your spouse, right? Because you might have some nuances. So let me give you an

00:41:39.780 example. You might have your son. I'll use my example. My, my son is 18 going on 19. My wife's son

00:41:48.540 is just turned 16. They think like, if you ask them kind of, they think that they're in the same

00:41:57.420 space, right? Like what's allowed for, for my older son should be the same rules set for my 16 year

00:42:05.060 old. Well, they're not right. Like he's 18 going on 19. Like, you know, I'm going to be kicking him

00:42:12.680 out of the house, right? Like this is different. They're not the same because of age. They're in a

00:42:17.860 different position in life. But if you don't have that conversation with your wife and have some

00:42:22.660 strategy around like, okay, like here's the boundaries, but here's the boundaries for the

00:42:26.660 older kids. Here's the boundaries for the younger kids. And you know, this is what we're going to

00:42:30.300 allow. This is what we're not, we're not going to allow. That's super, super important. So

00:42:34.340 boundaries and consistent consistency around what's allowed and consequences of those kinds of things,

00:42:39.660 I think is super important. Second, I think you still need to have solo time. Stephen Covey talks about

00:42:45.980 this. I'm not sure if he talked about it in his seven habits of highly effective books, but I know

00:42:49.880 without a doubt, I got this from Stephen Covey, but he has date nights with all his kids. And that

00:42:54.840 dude has like 10 kids. So you have no excuse to not be doing this with your kids, but he has alone

00:42:59.940 date nights with his kids, boys and daughters. I would do that. I would actually do that with all the

00:43:06.920 kids and make sure that that's consistent. And you need to take ownership of your relationship with her

00:43:15.100 three kids. That's super, super important. Um, so, and I've in full disclosure, I've failed at this,

00:43:25.320 right? My default mentality is when my wife and I are not on the same page in regards to what we're

00:43:31.100 doing. And I think she's babying her child, right? Her son more. Um, I actually withdraw and I go,

00:43:39.080 you know what? Fine. You know what? You want to raise him that way? Then so be it. And I would

00:43:43.000 where I withdraw myself, the drawback, obviously highly ineffective, passive aggressive. And then

00:43:50.080 of course, am I withdrawing and letting it go? No, I'm withdrawing it. And then I'm having contention

00:43:54.800 and you don't, I mean, wanting her to fail because, because I want to be right. And all that kind of

00:43:59.560 BS that kind of comes with that whole process. So that's all happening. Meanwhile, my relationship

00:44:05.080 with her son is falling apart because I've withdrawn myself. I'm like, are you kidding? I'm withdrawing

00:44:11.500 myself from a relationship with one of my kids, right? So I think we really need to take on the

00:44:16.260 ownership, right? Of that relationship with those individual kids and make sure it's a positive

00:44:21.380 relationship regardless of conflict or how you guys might see things different than one another.

00:44:27.580 And, and, and this question, I think Roland also goes back to the question I answered just before this

00:44:34.880 is you and mom need to be on the same page in regards to what you bring to the table and what she

00:44:40.020 brings to the table and, and celebrate those differences because those differences might,

00:44:47.200 you might assume those differences have to do with like, Oh, well it's because of my kid.

00:44:51.180 Actually, no, it's because you're a male and you're a dad and dads treat and raise children different

00:44:57.560 than moms. And that's good and okay. And you guys need to celebrate those differences and make sure

00:45:02.940 that you're both clear on the same page as well. And I'm trying to think of anything else.

00:45:07.800 Those are the main things. I hate the term, you know, biological son or step child or whatever.

00:45:15.380 My kids are my kids. Uh, and my kids are my wife's kids. Right. And we try to mitigate even

00:45:21.980 the language that we use when we talk about them. Um, and we try to, to just really keep, um, consistent

00:45:30.460 in regards to the, to the message and the language we use about them, but also like how we function as a

00:45:35.580 family around those boundaries and everything else. So, all right, next question, Jason Evans,

00:45:43.260 recommendations and thoughts for identifying milestones and graduating, uh, graduating your

00:45:48.760 child from those milestones, right? A passage type. All right. So, uh, here, Jason, let me pull this up

00:45:55.420 because instead of, um, pretending to do this, I'm just going to get you a good resource. And the

00:46:03.380 resource is you could go to order man.com and you can search there, or you can search whatever podcast

00:46:13.040 aggregator that you're using, but there is a Friday field note, uh, called building a right of passage.

00:46:20.540 I think it's Friday field note 62, uh, January or no June 30th, 2017. Jeez, three years ago. So, uh,

00:46:28.500 give that a read. And I think there's also a blog article on order of man.com that Ryan talks about

00:46:34.020 kind of strategies around the rights of passage. Um, man, how I wish I knew what I knew now when my kids

00:46:41.700 were younger, because I wish I did this with my older boys and I totally didn't. Um, we kind of have

00:46:49.620 some natural rights of passage in our church in regards to, uh, roles and responsibilities.

00:46:56.100 And that was available to my older boys. Uh, and, and I think boy scouts kind of naturally did a

00:47:02.920 rights of passage, you know, being a first class, second class, and, you know, ultimately becoming

00:47:07.100 an Eagle scout. Those are, those are forms of rights of passage. But the only thing I'd add to it is

00:47:12.160 plan it now, like plan it and realize that it's not going to be perfect and just pivot and adjust

00:47:17.680 when, when you realize it's not ideal, but, but don't wait to make it perfect. I don't like it.

00:47:25.180 I mean, I do that way too often. And so maybe I'm pro, you know, projecting my, my, my pitfalls

00:47:32.180 on you, Jason, but, but don't, it doesn't need to be perfect. And, and I would, I would do those for

00:47:37.820 sure for boys and girls. Uh, I think for the girls, you're, you're, you should get mom more involved

00:47:44.100 in those and, and the boys with boys, right? So that way they can relate to you and, and you can

00:47:49.260 have those, uh, kind of specific questions, um, that, that might, they might be more comfortable,

00:47:55.220 uh, discussing with you. Right. But, um, you know, check out that resource, Jason, and hopefully,

00:48:00.700 um, that helps. All right. Mike, uh, Schneel tips for continuing to make your wife, the top priority.

00:48:07.920 What are some things you guys do to solidify your relationships and be good example for

00:48:12.280 your kids? Um, I don't make my wife a top priority. Next question. I'm just joking. All

00:48:18.320 right. Uh, hope luckily she doesn't listen to podcasts. Otherwise she'd be like, yeah, I knew

00:48:24.000 it. Um, all right, Mike, uh, I think it's just mostly around attention, uh, intentionality,

00:48:31.380 right? Does my job get the focus it deserves? And the answer is yes. Why? Cause I schedule

00:48:38.980 it. You know, I schedule meetings. I have, I come in at a certain time. I have these things

00:48:44.460 in which I get done. I have task lists. I have a calendar. I have a team. I have coaching.

00:48:48.500 I have all these things to support me to succeed as a consultant. And it's ironic, the things in

00:48:56.960 our lives that are more important than that, we don't take intentionality around and get

00:49:03.320 coaching around. So how do you make her a top priority? You do that thing. You schedule,

00:49:09.100 you have a list, you manage the tasks in which need to be completed. You make your wife a priority.

00:49:14.780 You schedule date night. You need coaching, get coaching. You need counseling, get marriage

00:49:20.200 counseling. You do whatever it takes to make sure that is taken care of. And through that process,

00:49:26.440 that's how we become good example to our kids. It really is. Um, one thing that I'd add to this,

00:49:32.840 um, because I don't know why it's been on my mind a lot, but like you could totally be like a great

00:49:42.020 husband on paper, right? Uh, I, I honor my word. I come home at six and, uh, I get things done that my

00:49:50.240 wife need to get done and I help her watch the kids. And I spent a lot of time with her. We go on

00:49:56.640 date night. We read scripture or a book together. You know, we have these hobbies, like you could do

00:50:03.000 all those things on paper and, and, and be utterly miserable to be around. So I really do think that

00:50:13.460 you need to show up, not just do and, and honor your word and do, and, uh, the commitments that

00:50:21.460 you've said you would do and all that kind of stuff, but you need to do it in a way that's enjoyable,

00:50:26.280 that you're having fun, that you lighten the load, that you're fun to be around.

00:50:33.300 So it's not just the actions. It's kind of how we show up. And, and I think that's how we're a good

00:50:39.040 example to our kids, right? Like, you know, my dad, you know, hard worker, right? But if he's

00:50:45.780 bitching and moaning about going to work all the time, I'm not going to look to him as an example

00:50:51.420 of like the benefits of hard work. I'm going to be like black, that crap looks miserable. Why would

00:50:58.040 I want to be like him? Right? So, so it's, it's not just what we do, but it's how we do it. Like how

00:51:04.900 we show up and, and the spirit by which we do things. And, and I don't know about you guys,

00:51:11.780 but there's so many people in my life that when they're around, I just lighten up because they're

00:51:18.860 enjoyable, that they're not negative, that they're positive and they're just fun to be around. So be

00:51:27.500 that. And I think that really sets the tone for our relationships with our spouses and with our kids.

00:51:33.480 And the only reason why this is on my mind of late, because I'm not that way. Like literally,

00:51:38.620 if I'm focused on something and I'm working hard, like everyone's like, is everything okay?

00:51:43.720 Is something wrong? You look pissy. You know what I mean? That's like my default behavior when I'm

00:51:48.380 like focused in on something. And so I need to be really careful about how I show up. Am I fun to be

00:51:54.160 around? Um, and I kind of, you know, shows up, you know, obviously how I go on date nights with my

00:52:00.000 wife, you know, um, being miserable and, and, and I'm not even saying you're being miserable. Just

00:52:05.320 being, I don't know, boring is not fun. So don't be boring. How's that Mike? Don't be boring. Not that

00:52:11.800 you are, but yeah. All right. James Matthew King. How do you keep your marriage a priority while having

00:52:18.400 young kids, especially if it's your first kid. So everything is new. I think it's the same question

00:52:24.240 for Mike, man. Um, I, I think there's a time and a season and, um, and I, I understand that.

00:52:33.160 And one of the council, uh, one of the things that I've gotten from Ryan over the years

00:52:37.340 is when we have those seasons, maybe like a brand new baby, realize don't fall into a slump

00:52:44.720 and let that season never end. Right. So, you know, maybe we have to, you know, work is crazy.

00:52:52.660 And so we have to make work a priority for a period of time, but when does it stop? Right. Identify

00:52:58.800 that timeline to make sure that there's not a shift in priority permanently. Right. And that your family,

00:53:05.300 you know, and, and communicate the, the season to them that they understand that like, this is

00:53:10.360 going to be a rough time, you know? And so you have any new young kid, like, Hey, honey, I know this

00:53:14.740 is a rough time for us, but we're going to get through this. You know what I mean? What can we do

00:53:18.260 to mitigate things and keep our marriage a priority? And so I think personally, and it doesn't have to

00:53:24.760 be complex, right? We talk about date night a lot in the iron council, you know, going with your

00:53:28.940 wife's, uh, you know, on dates alone, getting a babysitter, but even nightly walks at,

00:53:35.300 to be frank, that's something that my wife and I do right now. And it's nice. I don't know what

00:53:40.380 it is, but I enjoy having dinner and kids grab their little scooters or skateboards. And we walk

00:53:46.640 around the neighborhood and me and my wife catch up when we talk about whatever it is that we need

00:53:51.180 to talk about and it's relaxing. And that's kind of something that we do. So if you find those times

00:53:56.840 alone, uh, if you can get your kid on a schedule or your kids on a schedule is super, super important.

00:54:03.040 Otherwise they'll, they'll rule your life. So get kids on a schedule. So then that way you

00:54:08.200 guys can plan when your kids are just, you know, all over the place and you're not consistent by

00:54:13.240 what, what time you put them to bed. I don't think it's good for your kids. That's just a whole other

00:54:17.160 side note, but it allows you to also have some flexibility of saying, okay, at, you know, eight

00:54:22.060 30 every night, kids are in bed and then we have our time. Right. And it's, and it's a pride. It's,

00:54:26.500 that's a form of making your marriage a priority is by getting your kids on a schedule. So that way you

00:54:32.120 can do that. So, um, I would do that as much as possible, uh, and, and have your date nights and

00:54:38.080 spend your time with one another. Jordan, uh, Baganim alphabet. Sorry, Jordan, how to be a great

00:54:48.440 role model for a young daughter. So I think, I know this is not your question, Jordan, but it's kind of

00:55:00.080 is so first, I think we need to be an example to her of, of the kind of man she may someday marry

00:55:09.900 or an example of the kind of boy that she might have want a relationship with. I think that's the

00:55:17.040 first kind of role model. I know it's not a role model for her, but it's a role model of the boy

00:55:22.500 that she should be going after. Um, I think that's super, super important as, as I think about my

00:55:28.980 daughter's getting older, the number one thing that makes me fearful is what boy do they decide

00:55:36.100 to be with? That is super, super critical and stressful in my mind. And I think the best way

00:55:42.920 that I mitigate that or ensure that that's successful is who am I in her life and how do I pay attention

00:55:50.840 to her? And how much do I honor her? And how do I honor her mother? How do I treat her mother? How do

00:55:59.700 we argue? Do I belittle her mom? When we have an argument, do I yell at her or do we have positive

00:56:09.680 arguments? Cause I'm not, I'm not saying you shouldn't have arguments. I actually think that's

00:56:13.640 probably positive. You should have a disagreement, but we shouldn't be belittling each other.

00:56:17.660 We should work through the issue. We, and let her, let your kids see what a healthy argument looks

00:56:23.560 like. Right. And so I, I would say that's probably number one, number two, once again, back to the

00:56:31.180 subject of like mom and dads, right. Bringing different things to the table. I think there's

00:56:35.060 an aspect that you bring to the table that mom doesn't for daughters, you know, it's probably a

00:56:40.220 little bit more in the realm of like grit and perseverance and, uh, being tough. Right. Those

00:56:48.660 are the kind of the areas that I think I just naturally kind of, um, bring to the table with,

00:56:53.960 with my daughters, um, helping them be tough and mom, you know, babies them a little bit more,

00:56:59.880 but, and that's perfect. Like, that's perfect. That I think that's how it's intended to be.

00:57:03.860 Um, you know, one thing that's on my mind a lot is like, you know, you needed to be able to defend

00:57:10.160 yourself. And we've, we've talked about that. Oh, dad, why do you always want me to go to jujitsu?

00:57:15.180 Because I want you to defend yourself. If something happens, I want you to be able to protect yourself

00:57:19.700 from someone. Right. And those are the kinds of the things that I bring to the table that, you know,

00:57:24.900 mom may not necessarily be worried about as much as I am. And so I think the greatest role model that

00:57:30.580 you could do for your daughters is showing her what kind of man she should be looking for as she

00:57:35.000 gets older. Uh, and that's through how you treat her. And that's also how you treat her mom. Now,

00:57:42.720 let me, let me share one example of this. And I think this is really important because, um, well,

00:57:48.980 it's at least it's been important to me. It's also how we argue with our kids. So let me give you an

00:57:57.400 example. You know, I may tell my daughter, Kika, Hey, Kika, you know, I don't know, maybe we're

00:58:03.140 arguing about something you need to do, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, yeah, but dad, I don't want

00:58:07.200 to. And then I just shut her off. No, no, no. Listen, what I told you, just do it. Blah, blah, blah.

00:58:11.940 What did I teach her?

00:58:15.240 To be passive, that your word is not warranted, that your input, that your feedback, that your

00:58:23.980 discussion, I don't want to hear it. Just do what I say. And it's ironic because we look at that from

00:58:29.640 a parent perspective. It was like, I'm the parent and my kid want my kids to do whatever I tell them

00:58:33.600 to do whatever. Right. And then imagine her being married, have an argument with her husband,

00:58:39.680 and he has that mentality with her. Just do what I say. You, are you happy with that idea? Your

00:58:46.480 daughter bending over and going, okay, I'll just do what you tell me to do. And not having to say in the

00:58:53.280 relationship. Oh, horrible, horrible, horrible scenario. Right. So we should actually look for

00:59:00.640 those opportunities when we argue with our kids or they're arguing, they're debating with us,

00:59:05.120 use it as an opportunity to teach. Oh, perfect. Let's have a conversation. Why? Because this is

00:59:11.480 the kind of conversation I want you to have when you get older, that you have a say in the matter,

00:59:18.400 that you just don't walk away, you know, complaining under your breath that no dad doesn't

00:59:23.700 understand me and never address the issue. We want them to address the issue. And the best way

00:59:29.600 they learn how to do that for future relationships is based upon the relationship they have with you.

00:59:35.040 So we got to be very, very careful. That was never on my radar until probably about six months ago.

00:59:40.460 And I was like, Holy crap. What are we teaching our kids when we just tell them like to do what I

00:59:45.880 say? And, and, and, and I would assume Ryan would add this because, you know, I've heard him say this

00:59:52.080 in the past is like, we need to focus not just what we, we shouldn't focus on what we want our kids to

01:00:00.080 do. Our focus should be on what we want them to learn. And so in that moment, when you expect your

01:00:07.700 kids to do something, whether it's doing their chores or keeping their room clean, it's not about

01:00:12.020 keeping the room clean. It really isn't. It's about what you want them to learn. And so now what is the

01:00:18.920 approach that we bring to the table to ensure that they learn the right thing? That's what we should be

01:00:25.000 worried about, right? Because they're learning. It's about growth. It's not about the completion of

01:00:31.900 the task, right? It's really not about getting the room clean. It's about wanting them to honor their

01:00:39.280 things. It's about them seeing the value in having an organized house. Like it's those things that

01:00:46.520 you're trying to teach them. And ironically enough, you just yelling at them and maybe even belittling

01:00:52.160 them does not teach them that lesson. If anything, it might teach them the complete opposite.

01:00:57.060 Nick Perry, I think helping high school kids decided career path without influencing their

01:01:05.720 decision. Well, I mean, Oh, I'm sorry. Career path without over influencing their decision.

01:01:12.600 Cause you want them to, you know, I'm assuming Nick, you want them to make that decision on their

01:01:16.340 own and blah, blah, blah. Right. Um, so let me just first say, I should not be answering this question

01:01:22.800 because I have two kids, uh, post high school now that I don't know if I've really helped them

01:01:31.480 choose their career path at all. Um, hopefully I'll do a better job on the next kids. Um, but when I

01:01:40.140 give thought to it and think, man, you know, what should I have done? And, uh, we're, you know, maybe

01:01:46.100 some positive things that I did do. Um, I think the first thing is, uh, create opportunities for

01:01:53.140 experience, whatever that is. And I think what everything from traveling to trying different

01:02:00.180 hobbies, um, you know, you could easily sign up for like a tech, uh, like a trade school class with

01:02:07.300 one of your high school kids and take a class in photography with them, right? Not even part of high

01:02:12.920 school, but with them or hire a coach and learn something else, like just create as many opportunities

01:02:18.460 to get exposure and experience to different things that might spark their interest. That's number one

01:02:24.620 two. We've had this happen here at, at journey team where I work a couple of times where I've had

01:02:31.080 clients ask if they could have their high school student come shadow me or a person on the team.

01:02:40.460 So that way they could see if they would have an interest in programming or being a consultant

01:02:47.360 in technology or whatever. And I think there's a lot of opportunity for this. I, I actually could

01:02:52.620 think of a handful of people that do different jobs where I could easily call them and say, Hey,

01:02:56.780 do you mind if my son like shadows you just for the day, just to kind of be exposed to like

01:03:01.600 what that kind of job looks like. So I think there's some really great opportunities there,

01:03:06.380 for them to get real world examples. One of the things I told my son that's getting ready to

01:03:13.940 hopefully go to college this coming year is like, dude, go take as many classes as you can. Like I,

01:03:21.100 if you're not sure what you're doing, like instead of doing like generals or whatever, like take a class

01:03:26.780 in this, take a class in that, you know, and see if it kind of sparks some nerves or some interest,

01:03:32.940 you know what I mean? That, that might generate some passion or some exposure to something that

01:03:37.560 you might enjoy. So as much as you can create that as possible, I think that's, that's the,

01:03:43.140 um, I don't know that that's the objective I would take all coming from someone that has lots of

01:03:49.040 regret around this conversation, Nick. So take it for what it's worth. All right. Alexander Odom,

01:03:53.820 how do you, uh, how do you be, how are you stirring with your children without letting your anger out?

01:03:59.840 I have a tendency to raise my voice too much or punish too swiftly. Awareness comes after the fact,

01:04:06.320 and I'm not sure how to change my actions to get, uh, to get of the moment, change my actions.

01:04:15.220 Um, I would focus, uh, Alexander, I would focus on back to kind of what I was saying earlier,

01:04:24.120 focus on what you want them to learn and not what you want them to do.

01:04:29.840 I'm assuming that your tendency to raise your voice and get angry and punish is an emotional

01:04:35.740 response. And it's emotional. Why? Like, what is the meaning that you are creating around

01:04:42.980 whatever your kids are or are not doing? What's the meaning? And I'd probably argue that the meaning

01:04:50.660 is that they don't respect you, that they don't give a shit that, you know, whatever. And the reality

01:04:57.620 of it is that's not true. That's your interpretation of their action and reflecting it on them about some

01:05:04.380 meaning that you're creating about yourself. So I'd first get present to what's the story

01:05:08.660 and what's the meaning that you're adding to their actions. That then allows you to look at their

01:05:15.300 actions or lack of action as from a, um, uh, uh, an objective point of view without emotional tie.

01:05:23.620 And you can say, okay, Timmy's not clean his room. That's it. That's all he's doing. Not clean

01:05:28.460 his room. Why? Cause he doesn't want to, you know, my, as simple as that. And so back to the

01:05:34.480 statement, focus on what you want them to learn and not what you want them to do. So what do you

01:05:38.960 want Timmy to learn and why do you want him to learn it? And now what's the strategy you need to

01:05:44.960 bring to the table to help him learn? I think far too often our swift punishments and our anger

01:05:51.360 has more to do really with us than it is anything else. And it's really our frustrations being

01:05:56.780 presented out or being projected on our kids. So I'd really, you know, get that mindset, get clear

01:06:05.200 on what you want them to learn and realize that the anger and the frustration you're getting is really

01:06:09.140 your story. Second. Um, I think one, one thing I've done in the past that has been valuable is, um,

01:06:17.940 a visualization around how you're going to interact with your kids. So let me, let me give

01:06:24.980 you an example. So, um, maybe you have a hard time disconnect from work. When you come home,

01:06:30.840 you come into the house and you're getting pissed off. The house is a mess. The kids are yelling all

01:06:34.940 over the place. You still didn't get work done. So that's on your mind. And, you know, bills are high

01:06:40.760 and you're worried about dad and, you know, and any guy listening, we know this man. Like I,

01:06:45.000 like, I don't, and I don't know if, I don't know if this is normal or not, but you know,

01:06:49.560 we have these lists, man. I could spend pages of shit that I'm worried about and stress out about

01:06:56.080 like they're all over the place. Right. And it's, so it's really hard sometimes for us to come into

01:07:01.100 a home setting and like have clarity of mind and not be overly pissed off and be angry with our

01:07:10.980 children. It really is. And, and ironically enough, and I love this quote, but the very

01:07:17.500 thing that made you good, let's say the very thing that makes men good at their jobs makes them bad

01:07:23.660 dads. And so realize that. And so focus on making the shift. And so my recommendation or in what I've

01:07:35.120 done in the past has worked is I pull into the driveway or I may not pull in the driveway because

01:07:39.520 sometimes I pull in the driveway, my kids like jump out and like, you know what I mean? Try to get me

01:07:43.460 out of the car. And then that messes up my whole thing. So a block away, pull over on the side of

01:07:48.880 the road and, and visualize how you're going to show up at home. So I'll close my eyes. Maybe I'll be

01:07:58.300 like, all right, I'm going to go home. And maybe the house is a mess and the baby's running around and

01:08:05.480 he has a dirty diaper. And I don't know, he's tracking mud all over the floor. Mom's stressed

01:08:11.000 out. She's had a really rough day. Things aren't going good at home. It's created an irritable

01:08:16.500 environment. Some of the kids are upset. The rooms are trashed. They haven't done any of their chores.

01:08:21.940 You know, I don't know, whatever baby's drawing marker on the side of the wall, whatever you need

01:08:26.080 to think and say, okay, how do I show up in that circumstance? How do I show up? One, so I can have

01:08:34.340 the best impact possible on my children, but how do I show up in a way that I'm not going to be angry,

01:08:40.560 but maybe effective and visualize it. And maybe it's a simple, for me, a lot of it comes down to,

01:08:47.020 I opened the door and I'm happy to be home. Kids, how are you guys doing? And run and give them honks

01:08:54.040 and tease them a little bit and give them a kiss and, Hey, how was your day? And I make sure that

01:08:58.720 they're aware that I'm happy to see them. I'm excited to see them. And then when I go down the

01:09:04.440 hallway and I look in the room and it's just completely trash, what do I do? Oh guys, your

01:09:09.800 room is totally trashed. You must've had a fun time today. Did you have a bunch of friends over?

01:09:14.560 Did you guys have fun? Oh yeah, we did. Hey, why don't we, well, it's getting pretty late. Should we

01:09:18.640 clean it up? I'll help you guys. You want me to help you? Awesome. Let's turn on some music,

01:09:22.420 blast some music, help them put away their things, pass the fun. Hey, once we're done cleaning the

01:09:28.020 room, do you guys want to grab ice cream or do you want to go downstairs and play on the ping pong

01:09:32.620 table? Or Hey, do you want to watch that last episode of clone wars? Whatever that is, work

01:09:38.680 through it, come up with a strategy before you even walk on that door. And so that when, when you're

01:09:44.400 pulling the, in the driveway and you're walking into the house, you can execute in the most effective

01:09:49.900 way manner. John Caleb Smith. What are some ways I can connect with my father? He and I don't seem

01:09:58.460 to see eye to eye on very many issues. He is an 82 year old air force veteran due to legal issues.

01:10:05.980 I was the first male over 21 in my family, not a family to not join the military. I feel like I

01:10:14.120 disappointed him, but I want to gain his respect. First off, I think you gain his respect by how you

01:10:30.200 show up in life and having confidence with the man that you are and not trying to gain his respect.

01:10:39.320 When I think about people that, that have my respect, they don't have my respect because they

01:10:46.360 tried to gain it, right? Because they are trying to seek my respect. That's not respectful.

01:10:52.580 So I would actually focus on how do you show up period, man, whether, whether your father

01:10:57.980 quote unquote respects you or not. Um, because the point is, is once you respect yourself and you are

01:11:05.980 your own man and you don't need the respect and the approval of your father is probably when he will

01:11:13.140 respect you the most. So I would, I would focus on how you show up connecting with your father.

01:11:24.260 This is my take on this. Your father is who he is period. And you should love and respect him

01:11:40.460 exactly the way he is and find the value in the many things that you see differently

01:11:48.680 and honor those different viewpoints, right? That's a sign of intelligence, right? For us to,

01:11:56.160 for us to understand someone, but not accept their viewpoints for ourselves. And who knows,

01:12:02.380 maybe he's right and you're wrong. Who knows, but respect him, see him as the man that he is

01:12:07.400 and love him exactly the way he is not based upon pretense or expectations that he should see some

01:12:14.560 thing this way. And I see it this way. And I'm right. And he's wrong. Let go of all that.

01:12:19.040 It's not right and wrong. He's just who he is. And, and find joy in, in finding that out about him.

01:12:29.140 And I think one way that you can connect with your father a lot is removing those judgments and

01:12:34.400 pretense and expectations that we have on him and get to know him. Even at 82 years old, I think even

01:12:41.500 this for my father, that a lot of the additional respect that I've gotten from him is learning

01:12:47.400 about him because a lot of what we know about people is not, it's our interpretation of them.

01:12:54.260 It's not even truth, right? And so I'm sure your dad has a great deal of stories and insights that

01:13:01.500 you could learn from him. You don't have to accept them, but you could learn from him. And through that

01:13:05.620 process, you're going to just naturally connect with him better. And I, and, and back to,

01:13:10.460 you know, his respect, I think you focus on you, man, you focus on how you show up and the kind

01:13:16.340 of man you are. And, um, and he's just going to respect you because you respect yourself.

01:13:22.940 Um, and if you, if you're listening to this and like, oh, well, Kip, I already respect myself and

01:13:26.920 I'm happy with who I am. Well, yeah, sure. But you know what? There's more. And, and I would,

01:13:31.820 I would really focus on, uh, looking for those opportunities to build even more respect for

01:13:37.180 yourself and your own confidence so much to the point that you don't need, uh, the approval of,

01:13:41.940 of dad at all. Um, and just that confidence alone about how you're going to feel about yourself.

01:13:47.120 He's going to see that, uh, and, and respect you just for the man, exactly for the man you are.

01:13:53.240 So hopefully that helps, uh, John. All right. How are we doing on time?

01:13:58.420 Um, all right. We need to wrap up. So, um, there you go, gentlemen, those are the questions for

01:14:04.500 today. Um, a couple of things in a couple of reminders, uh, regarding, um, things going on

01:14:11.200 within order of man and the iron council. Um, first off, uh, learn more about the iron council

01:14:18.720 at order of man.com slash iron council. You can join us on Facebook at Facebook, facebook.com

01:14:24.480 slash group slash order of man. We have two events coming up September 3rd through the sixth.

01:14:29.400 Sixth is our legacy event. That's a boys eight to 15 years old and their fathers go to order of

01:14:34.980 man.com slash legacy to learn more. And then our order of man main event, October 9th through the

01:14:40.340 11th, uh, to learn more order of man.com slash main event. You can follow, uh, Mr. Mickler on

01:14:47.900 Instagram or Twitter at Ryan Mickler. And you can follow me on Instagram at Kip Sorenson.

01:14:53.740 Once again, support the podcast and what we're doing here, share the message, subscribe to

01:14:57.980 YouTube, subscribe to the podcast, and most importantly, show up in your communities,

01:15:03.680 in your families, be the man that your family and your community deserves. And until the next

01:15:10.960 episode, take action and become the man you were meant to be.

01:15:15.240 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your

01:15:19.400 life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order.

01:15:23.740 And order of man.com.

Order of Man - July 01, 2020

Recovering and Refocusing on Your Goals, Effectiveness in Parenting and Blended Families, Making Your Marriage a Priority ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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