Order of Man - Regain Momentum, Be a Manly Man, and Overcome Your Heart at War

00:00:00.000 One of the most powerful ways to deal with the loss of a loved one in grief is to honor

00:00:06.860 him in how you are living.

00:00:08.620 That makes me want to be a better version of myself than probably I was before the event

00:00:13.300 actually occurred.

00:00:14.040 It could be even more powerful than a reset button if our focus is how do we honor them

00:00:20.560 and show up differently or more powerfully in a way that honors them, but also honors

00:00:26.020 those in our care as well.

00:00:27.560 You're a man of action.

00:00:31.060 You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:35.440 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:39.620 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.

00:00:44.980 This is your life.

00:00:46.060 This is who you are.

00:00:47.460 This is who you will become.

00:00:49.200 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:55.820 Kim, what's up, brother?

00:00:56.800 Good to see you, man.

00:00:57.460 It sounds like both of us had a good weekend, I'll say.

00:01:02.100 You had a little bit more challenge than I did, but both of us had a good weekend, I

00:01:05.280 think.

00:01:05.440 It happens.

00:01:07.460 Full disclosure, I'm actually going on 36 hours right now, 36-hour fast.

00:01:15.800 So I might be a little-

00:01:16.540 How's that feeling?

00:01:16.600 Yeah, actually, I feel great right now.

00:01:18.880 So, but you know how it is sometimes when you're deprived of food, your other faculties

00:01:25.260 kick in, and maybe, I don't know, maybe I'll be overly emotional.

00:01:28.580 We'll see how it goes.

00:01:29.280 The fasting thing is interesting to me because it shows you how little relative to how much

00:01:37.320 we typically consume the body needs.

00:01:39.240 You know, we hear a lot from health guys that are like, get your protein, eat lots of food.

00:01:43.880 But I think generally the greater risk is that most of us eat way too much food.

00:01:49.980 I went to Vegas this weekend, and I jumped on the scale this morning.

00:01:54.100 I lost four pounds, and I didn't feel hungry.

00:01:59.260 I mean, it wasn't like we were like gorging on food or anything like that, but it was interesting

00:02:04.980 because I just cut out a couple of meals because we were busy.

00:02:07.220 We had things going on.

00:02:08.120 It was busy.

00:02:09.220 And I think there's a general misconception about how much food we as humans should consume

00:02:16.320 because we didn't, if you think about us as ancestors, we rarely ate, and I don't think

00:02:23.880 we probably sat down and had dinner together.

00:02:27.540 I think it was like, there's some berries.

00:02:29.000 Eat them right now as quickly as you can.

00:02:31.340 And I'm sure there was some storage and things like that, but it is interesting when you think

00:02:34.680 about our ancestral roots and how we consume food today relative to what it was 5,000, 10,000

00:02:39.820 years ago.

00:02:40.920 Totally.

00:02:41.120 I mean, do we even know what hungry really feels like?

00:02:45.420 Like, no, no, no, even 36 hours isn't hunger.

00:02:50.060 Yeah.

00:02:50.440 And people think what they, they're like, oh, no, I felt hungry.

00:02:53.840 You're like, no, no, no.

00:02:54.600 You didn't feel satisfied, right?

00:02:56.660 Like there's two different feelings and we mistaken satisfaction as hungry, you know, but

00:03:05.560 it's funny.

00:03:06.460 So with your fast, how long are you going?

00:03:08.920 Um, you know, I was going to go until tomorrow or this morning and then I was like, I don't

00:03:15.760 know, let's keep going.

00:03:17.580 Right.

00:03:18.040 So, yeah.

00:03:18.760 So 48 hours, you think?

00:03:20.180 48 hours will be tonight at 8, 8 PM.

00:03:24.140 And, but I wouldn't be surprised if I go, yeah, 48 in, let's, let's go a little bit more.

00:03:29.560 Right.

00:03:29.960 Just, uh, I mean, you're going to go to sleep, so you might as well just go to sleep and get

00:03:33.240 60 hours in.

00:03:34.200 Right.

00:03:35.160 Totally.

00:03:36.040 Totally.

00:03:37.180 Yeah.

00:03:37.420 Oh, so you're drinking water though.

00:03:40.180 Yes.

00:03:40.620 Yeah.

00:03:40.880 Drinking water.

00:03:41.460 Okay.

00:03:42.160 Yeah.

00:03:42.400 Yeah.

00:03:43.820 Um, I'd be curious.

00:03:45.000 We'll talk about it next week, but I'd be curious to get your after action review.

00:03:49.260 Like here's what was hard.

00:03:50.660 Here's what challenging, but here's what I learned.

00:03:53.820 Here's the value I gained from it.

00:03:55.400 Cause I think there's a lot of people who'd be interested in that.

00:03:58.020 Yeah.

00:03:58.360 Yeah, absolutely.

00:03:58.960 Certainly willing.

00:04:00.700 Awesome.

00:04:01.340 All right.

00:04:01.980 So we got jumping to some questions today.

00:04:03.720 Yes, absolutely.

00:04:05.020 So our first question, Chad Scott, in light of this month's book, the man, the moment demands,

00:04:11.100 he speaks of grace for parents who have wronged you.

00:04:14.420 What do you do when you have forgiven a parent holding no ill will towards them, but you still

00:04:20.100 can't stand to be around them, especially if they show no remorse or always play the victim

00:04:25.220 in life, including the wrongs they caused you.

00:04:27.520 Is honoring their position as mother and father, just not speaking ill of them or forcing yourself

00:04:33.620 to be around them despite the lack of connection and loving feelings.

00:04:37.720 Man, there's a lot to unpack here.

00:04:39.720 First, you say you have no ill will towards them, but clearly you do.

00:04:42.860 So let's get that out in the open right now.

00:04:45.800 And that's not an indictment, but I want you to search your heart and ask yourself, do you

00:04:50.300 really have no ill will towards your parents?

00:04:52.940 Because they have no remorse.

00:04:54.780 They're still, you know what I mean?

00:04:56.060 Yeah.

00:04:56.300 They're not doing it.

00:04:57.380 You do.

00:04:58.180 Yeah.

00:04:58.280 For sure you do.

00:05:00.140 I don't think there will ever come a point in your life where you will ever completely

00:05:09.080 absolve yourself of the feelings that you might have towards them as you were growing up.

00:05:15.460 But that's not the point.

00:05:18.400 The point is, as a mature man, as an intelligent, rational, elevated man, that you're consciously

00:05:25.560 making the choice to think differently about the scenario.

00:05:28.520 So really briefly, I have no ill will or animosity or contention towards my mother.

00:05:36.400 Great mother, served us well, still serves us well, loves us, never had to worry about

00:05:41.420 food on the table, roof over our head.

00:05:43.120 She worked three jobs at a time at points in our young lives to make ends meet.

00:05:48.280 But I do have some contention towards my father.

00:05:51.620 And he passed away years ago, and I think that was pretty cathartic for me when he did

00:05:59.180 pass away.

00:06:00.580 And you and I have some experiences where it's a crossover, Kip, where I learned to forgive

00:06:07.640 my father after he passed away, and I wish I would have forgiven him beforehand.

00:06:13.500 But the thing that's really been helpful for me is recognizing my own inadequacies.

00:06:20.160 So when I see my shortcomings as a father of my four kids, and I realize that I'm impatient,

00:06:27.960 and I get frustrated, and sometimes I don't know what to do with them or how to handle

00:06:33.300 a certain situation, I try to actually look at it through the lens of my father's experience.

00:06:40.980 He probably felt the same way.

00:06:43.820 He loved me, but he was frustrated, and he didn't know how to connect.

00:06:48.560 And maybe I was a little jerk because of being a young teenage boy, for example.

00:06:54.120 And there's so much more I could have done.

00:06:56.140 And looking at it through my own lens continues to give me a sense of grace towards him.

00:07:04.140 And the other thing I've realized is that this one's really been hard for me to wrap my head

00:07:09.760 around is, as grown men, yes, we have a responsibility for our own lives and our own behavior.

00:07:16.760 But also, as I mature, I recognize in myself and others that the things that we believe about our

00:07:24.860 lives and the things that we do in our lives are, at a minimum, influenced by our culture,

00:07:33.400 by the parenting we received, by the experiences that we've had, by the trauma that we've had to

00:07:40.440 deal with.

00:07:41.540 And as a grown man, you have a choice to overcome that, but let's not pretend that isn't a factor

00:07:48.440 that we need to confront and deal with.

00:07:50.140 So, your parents, I would imagine, love you, but they did the best they could, just as you

00:08:00.180 love your children and you're doing the best that you can.

00:08:03.340 And I promise you, as your kids get older, they're going to have issues with the way you

00:08:08.020 raised them, just as you have issues with the way your parents raised you.

00:08:12.240 So, forgive and forget, no, forcing yourself to, no, just make a choice.

00:08:20.780 I'm going to remember the good things, I'm going to take the lessons, I'm satisfied with

00:08:24.680 where I am in life, and the bad things, I'm going to chalk up, I'm going to forgive, I'm

00:08:30.560 going to, not overlook, but I'm going to choose a better narrative.

00:08:38.060 That's my thought.

00:08:39.740 I love it.

00:08:40.520 I mean, if Chad, if you needed a thought to add to this is, if you were, did he say

00:08:50.180 mom or dad?

00:08:52.420 I thought he said both, but I could have not.

00:08:55.020 Yeah, he said mother and father.

00:08:56.860 So, if you were your mom and dad, and you were raised how they were raised, they would

00:09:01.820 have done, you would have done exactly what they would have done.

00:09:05.000 Or worse, I hate to say it, but you could have done worse, we don't know.

00:09:08.820 Yeah, so, there's power in empathy.

00:09:12.920 Now, I'm not saying we go, oh, everything's okay, right?

00:09:16.680 But, like, it is.

00:09:19.600 And I love what you said, Ryan.

00:09:21.900 You make a choice.

00:09:24.480 Oh, but they did.

00:09:25.400 No.

00:09:26.220 Do you choose to honor them right now?

00:09:30.560 Yes or no?

00:09:31.060 And one of the things I hear a little bit in here is, like, you know, can't stand being

00:09:41.340 around.

00:09:41.740 Who's that about?

00:09:43.940 You're still a son.

00:09:46.320 So, let me ask you, what does Chad Scott, the ideal son, do?

00:09:51.600 How does he respect his parents in spite of their past, in spite of the decisions and

00:09:59.040 actions they've made?

00:09:59.820 What does that son look like?

00:10:01.680 You do you.

00:10:02.800 You do the thing that you know you should be doing.

00:10:05.720 And if you can do that in a way with holding boundaries, right, and making sure that you

00:10:12.880 have a mental healthy state and a healthy place for your family, if you can do that and

00:10:17.180 show them honor in spite of it, awesome.

00:10:20.640 And why are you doing it?

00:10:22.160 Because they deserve it?

00:10:22.960 No.

00:10:23.660 You're doing what you know you should be doing because you want to be a man of integrity.

00:10:27.800 And sometimes that's just enough.

00:10:34.420 Well, it says more about you than it says about them.

00:10:36.940 And that's where your life is now.

00:10:39.080 I will say the honor your mother and father thing, I struggle with that.

00:10:46.440 I actually, and I honor both my parents for how the way they showed up and what, but I

00:10:50.960 don't think by default I need to honor somebody because they birthed me.

00:10:55.320 Like, that's the bare minimum.

00:10:56.500 It's so easy to have sex and have a baby.

00:10:58.940 Like, that means nothing.

00:11:00.940 And if that's all you're looking at, it literally means nothing.

00:11:05.580 Because, you know, barring medical, everybody can do that.

00:11:08.920 And it's just so flippant today in modern culture.

00:11:12.160 So I don't honor that.

00:11:12.800 But they also didn't have to.

00:11:14.220 They didn't have to.

00:11:14.960 No.

00:11:15.440 Well, no.

00:11:16.220 But also, why did they?

00:11:20.140 Were they just, were they lust hungry?

00:11:22.520 Were they stupid kids?

00:11:23.520 Like, were they, or were they thoughtful and deliberate about?

00:11:26.040 I don't honor it just because you're my biological mother or father.

00:11:30.280 I don't.

00:11:30.700 I can't wrap my head around that concept, even though we're commanded to do that.

00:11:35.540 That's a hard one for me.

00:11:37.180 But I can honor elements of it.

00:11:39.940 And I don't even honor the position.

00:11:41.260 You know how people say, well, like, honor the office of the presidency.

00:11:44.380 Why?

00:11:44.760 Why should I?

00:11:45.220 This country was founded on not honoring unrighteous authority.

00:11:50.400 So why should I do that just because it's the office of the presidency?

00:11:53.780 I'm not doing that.

00:11:54.960 And I feel the same way about parenting.

00:11:57.420 But I can honor and respect certain elements of it.

00:12:00.740 But I will say on a practical level, when you're having a struggle with somebody who you can't maybe entirely eliminate from your life is to create healthy boundaries.

00:12:18.300 And I have to ask if you've done that.

00:12:20.340 So you say, I can't stand to be around them.

00:12:22.800 Why?

00:12:23.360 Is it because they're abrasive?

00:12:26.400 Is it because they talk about things that you don't want to talk about?

00:12:30.240 Is it because they are inappropriate with your kids?

00:12:33.440 And I'm not saying, like, sexually necessarily.

00:12:35.660 But, like, are they crossing you and your wife's boundaries?

00:12:38.660 And then the real question then becomes, are you a man who can establish and uphold boundaries?

00:12:45.520 Because there might be some ability to compartmentalize here where you might have your own issues with your parents.

00:12:51.160 But you might say, hey, you don't get to do that in this dynamic anymore.

00:12:55.300 I'm a grown man.

00:12:56.300 You're not going to treat my kids like that.

00:12:58.040 You're not going to cross and overstep these boundaries.

00:13:00.180 And my question is, have you communicated those boundaries?

00:13:05.120 And that's some things that you can do on a practical level so that you can actually just enjoy your time.

00:13:11.860 And, hey, we're not going to talk about this.

00:13:14.000 You're not going to engage in this.

00:13:15.560 You're not going to do these things.

00:13:17.360 And if you do, we're not going to be in this relationship.

00:13:19.340 But if you can respect those boundaries, then we'll have a great relationship.

00:13:24.620 Yeah.

00:13:24.960 So that's more of a pragmatic approach to it.

00:13:28.440 We kind of have to call this out, Ryan, that the reason for this conversation is what's best for you and your family.

00:13:42.620 Your family, yeah.

00:13:43.440 This isn't – this advice isn't in the space of what's best for your mom and dad.

00:13:49.980 This is literally what's best for you and your soul and for your family.

00:13:57.120 Like – and so don't take this advice as like – you know what I mean?

00:14:01.280 Like, you know, we're staying on your mom and dad or be nice to your mom and dad because, you know, they deserve it.

00:14:06.560 No, actually, that's not good for you to have that in you and it will affect you, right?

00:14:13.900 And back to a comment you said earlier, Ryan, it's like, you know, I still think you might have some ill will.

00:14:19.400 Here's the measuring stick.

00:14:20.780 I'm still in this from the book, The Anatomy of Peace, Chad.

00:14:23.360 But, like, do you have a heart at war towards them?

00:14:28.040 Yes or no?

00:14:29.860 And that language always works for me.

00:14:31.880 You know if you do or not.

00:14:33.060 It's like a heart at peace or a heart at war.

00:14:35.200 And if you have a heart at war, then there's work to be done.

00:14:39.580 I sense a heart at war.

00:14:43.100 Same.

00:14:43.420 We got a comment on YouTube a couple of weeks ago, and I was going to mention it to you.

00:14:49.820 It was like somebody said, the bully bros are back.

00:14:53.640 The bully bros.

00:14:55.020 The bully bros, which I thought was kind of clever.

00:14:57.140 I kind of like that name, you know.

00:14:58.800 But I think what they were looking to –

00:15:01.040 Is that good? Is that bad?

00:15:02.040 No.

00:15:02.320 No, I kind of thought it was a negative connotation where you and I talk about these issues.

00:15:10.020 But it got me thinking about this.

00:15:12.220 I hope we're never harsh.

00:15:13.780 I don't want to be harsh with people.

00:15:15.920 I just want to be honest.

00:15:17.560 And I want to share concepts that maybe aren't always the most comfortable to hear.

00:15:22.900 So my intent is never to bully anybody.

00:15:26.560 And I would have people consider that the people who tell the truth are the ones who care the most.

00:15:32.780 Because if somebody does not tell you the truth, they lie to you.

00:15:37.460 Here's a silly example.

00:15:39.100 Let's say I had a really good dinner with somebody and I've got like some food in my beard.

00:15:44.100 The person who cares about me more is not the one who ignores the food in my beard.

00:15:48.220 It's the guy who says, hey, you got a little food in your beard.

00:15:50.140 Why don't you get that?

00:15:51.860 And most people won't do that, unfortunately, because they don't want to make it awkward or weird.

00:15:55.360 But that's the person who cares about me more.

00:15:58.000 Yeah.

00:15:58.220 That's the person.

00:16:00.600 And then we talk about it in this context or maybe even a romantic relationship.

00:16:05.460 The woman who's going to be honest with you about how she's showing up, about how you're showing up, about how she wants you to show up.

00:16:13.460 That's the one who cares about you.

00:16:16.200 You know who you have to worry about not caring about you?

00:16:18.540 The ones who don't talk and the ones who are indifferent.

00:16:20.780 Those people don't care about you.

00:16:22.920 Or the ones who tell you what you want to hear.

00:16:25.580 Those people don't care about you.

00:16:26.680 They care about themselves.

00:16:28.520 They don't want to ruffle feathers.

00:16:29.840 They don't want to make it awkward.

00:16:30.860 They don't want to make it weird.

00:16:31.840 They don't want to hurt your feelings because maybe that diminishes your relationship.

00:16:36.220 It's the ones who have the balls and the courage to say, you know what?

00:16:38.880 Hey, you got a little food in your beard or you got a booger hanging out of your nose.

00:16:42.240 Just wanted to let you know.

00:16:45.020 Those are the people who actually care about you.

00:16:47.220 So always remember that in these types of conversations because I care.

00:16:51.920 And Kip, I know I can speak for you.

00:16:53.020 You care too.

00:16:53.600 Yeah, absolutely.

00:16:54.880 And in context of our conversation here with Chad, Ryan, have you had a heart of war towards your parents?

00:17:02.020 Of course.

00:17:02.720 My dad.

00:17:03.220 Never towards my mom, but of course towards my father.

00:17:05.680 Have you done this wrong?

00:17:07.720 Absolutely.

00:17:08.960 Like, so everything that we're saying to you, right?

00:17:12.560 Like we have experienced and or we're going through and we're processing at the same exact

00:17:17.480 time, right?

00:17:18.040 So this isn't, you know, in the spirit of, you know, we're better than you, right?

00:17:22.160 We're all on the path together.

00:17:24.200 Yeah.

00:17:24.640 Cool.

00:17:24.860 What's next?

00:17:25.640 All right.

00:17:26.040 Ryan Partain, what does it look like to hold confidence and humility in the same time?

00:17:32.540 Or he said in the same hand, sorry.

00:17:37.060 Oh, it's, they're, they're actually inextricably connected.

00:17:42.020 Yeah.

00:17:43.420 And let me explain.

00:17:44.900 You can't.

00:17:45.740 Okay.

00:17:46.020 So it's a good question.

00:17:48.320 I'm trying to think about how to frame this.

00:17:50.060 You can't be confident unless you have humility or at least exhibited some level of humility.

00:17:55.120 You can be arrogant, you can be egotistical, you can be narcissistic, but you can't be

00:18:00.080 confident because confident recognizes that you were inadequate at some point in your life

00:18:04.980 to some degree, and you were able to overcome it through the effort.

00:18:09.400 Yeah.

00:18:10.740 That's it.

00:18:12.200 So now humility, can you be, most people, I think generally navigate.

00:18:18.020 Yeah, I would say most people generally try to navigate towards being humble at the expense

00:18:25.100 of being confident.

00:18:26.540 And I don't think you can do that either because humility is an accurate assessment of your

00:18:31.300 strengths and weaknesses.

00:18:33.620 Not just your weaknesses.

00:18:36.020 You know, I, I'm pretty good at a few things.

00:18:38.840 In fact, I'm really good at a few things and I'm really bad at a few things and both exist

00:18:44.660 simultaneously.

00:18:45.520 Like I'm not God's gift to, you know, whatever.

00:18:49.760 And I'm, I'm not the most horrible person on the planet either.

00:18:54.360 But if you want to improve and get better, you need to be humble.

00:18:57.180 And if you've improved and got better, you've had to have been humble at some point.

00:19:02.300 If I'm going to be a better podcaster, for example, then that means I've had to exercise

00:19:06.420 some humility and say to myself, I'm not as good as I'd like to be.

00:19:09.860 What do I need to learn?

00:19:11.920 If I want to improve in my relationship and my relationship is getting better

00:19:15.360 and doing well and thriving, then that means at some point I acknowledged that it wasn't

00:19:19.480 doing well and I wasn't showing up the way I should show up.

00:19:22.180 And therefore I addressed it in a humble fashion and it's produced the results that I desire.

00:19:27.060 So they, they go hand in hand from, from a very pragmatic or applicable approach.

00:19:34.080 I think it's really just acknowledging that you're a good and decent human being who's

00:19:40.220 on a path to growth.

00:19:41.480 And so when you're talking with a business partner or a friend or a romantic interest,

00:19:49.300 I think it's okay to say, I feel really good about these things that I've produced and these

00:19:54.820 results that I've had and the success I've enjoyed.

00:19:57.200 And also it's been hard because I've had to overcome this and I struggle with this.

00:20:02.200 And I, uh, you know, these are my, my demons, so to speak.

00:20:07.200 I think people would really appreciate that.

00:20:10.020 So I don't look at them as competing concepts.

00:20:14.040 I look at them as complimentary.

00:20:17.040 Yeah, I truly agree.

00:20:19.200 I had to pull up a post.

00:20:21.580 This is what I wrote.

00:20:23.140 Humility is accepting that you don't know all the answers.

00:20:26.420 Confidence is knowing you'll figure it out, right?

00:20:30.000 So that, this is how they, they intertwine.

00:20:33.060 What's really interesting about this, Ryan, I've done some study around this concept of

00:20:37.300 confident humility and, and obviously we could look at a spectrum and say people sometimes

00:20:42.740 are overly confident, right?

00:20:44.720 And lack some humility or they.

00:20:47.420 But I got to stop you real quick on that.

00:20:49.380 You, you can't be overly confident because then you're tiptoeing into arrogance or ego.

00:20:55.840 Yeah.

00:20:56.040 Yes.

00:20:56.520 So I just, I want to clarify.

00:20:57.860 Sorry, go ahead.

00:20:58.440 Yeah.

00:20:58.920 So, so with that said, right, tiptoeing into that space of arrogance, um, the number one

00:21:06.180 driving factor to drive confidence, believe it or not, is gratitude.

00:21:11.420 And the number one driving factor to drive humility is gratitude, which I find is super

00:21:18.900 fascinating, right?

00:21:20.280 And so Ryan, when you say hold confident humility in the same hand, it's actually like

00:21:25.660 gratitude is, is, is at the root of both of those, which is really cool.

00:21:33.000 Kip, I like what you said.

00:21:34.300 I wrote this down.

00:21:36.100 If you, you know this, but if you guys don't know, I take notes, like I'm, I'm over here

00:21:40.160 like typing notes.

00:21:41.020 Cause I refer to these things.

00:21:42.200 Um, and you said, um, and you said, you'll figure it out.

00:21:48.460 Like for whatever reason that really resonated with me.

00:21:51.060 I love optimistic people.

00:21:52.760 I really care.

00:21:53.660 Like it, it resonates with me when I see a person who's dealt with hardship to varying

00:21:58.700 degrees or struggle or contention or challenge and overcome it.

00:22:03.540 Like the, the optimism that people have in spite of maybe even horrific circumstances and

00:22:08.700 situations is really fascinating to me.

00:22:10.380 Like, how could that person be so optimistic about life?

00:22:13.240 But then you said, you'll figure it out.

00:22:15.960 I like this concept because there are people who believe that they will figure it out.

00:22:22.540 And there's people who believe that they never will.

00:22:24.840 And it's really just a choice.

00:22:26.880 But when it comes to the concept of you'll figure it out, I think what most people fail

00:22:33.920 to do is recognize, this is where the confidence conversation comes in, recognize that they've

00:22:39.540 done some pretty damn good things in the past.

00:22:43.240 You know, as a, as a 44 year old man, for example, I had a failed marriage and people

00:22:49.260 say, oh, you had a failed marriage, bro.

00:22:50.600 I did 18 years.

00:22:53.100 You let me know as a newlywed when you are able to create a 18 year marriage and then you

00:23:00.780 can chastise me about what I did or didn't do.

00:23:06.440 Or, hey, Ryan, that business venture failed.

00:23:08.800 Yeah.

00:23:09.400 And you know what?

00:23:10.380 I've got four businesses under my belt that are in the top 1% of earning in the world.

00:23:18.540 So when you have that, then you can chastise me about the one business venture that didn't

00:23:27.000 work out the way you think it should have worked out.

00:23:29.620 So what I want to tell people is, yeah, you're going to have some catastrophic failures and

00:23:37.320 you're going to do some horrible shit in your life.

00:23:39.460 But also you're still kicking and you overcame abuse and you overcame trauma and you overcame

00:23:49.660 the brink of bankruptcy and you overcame sexual abuse and you overcame divorce and you overcame

00:23:57.420 name it.

00:23:58.800 We all have our stuff and you're still here, which means you're capable of something better.

00:24:06.500 It's just now a recognition of what you're going to choose.

00:24:10.100 Are you going to wallow and cry and complain and relent or relinquish your sovereignty to

00:24:17.960 whatever else happened to you?

00:24:19.420 Or are you going to be and do more moving forward?

00:24:23.100 That's your choice.

00:24:24.900 But it requires both an acknowledgement of where you're weak and an ability to say, you know

00:24:29.260 what?

00:24:29.460 I did it before.

00:24:30.000 I can do it again.

00:24:30.500 And if it doesn't work out, I'll figure it out because I figured it out before and that's

00:24:36.240 confidence.

00:24:37.560 Yeah.

00:24:39.480 Okay.

00:24:40.120 Bob Ross.

00:24:42.720 I just today had a colonoscopy and they found some, is it polyps?

00:24:49.880 Polyps?

00:24:50.480 Polyps.

00:24:51.020 Yeah.

00:24:51.180 Polyps.

00:24:51.560 Polyps.

00:24:52.320 And I'm 43.

00:24:53.720 My son is nine.

00:24:54.640 This is bringing up tremendous feelings because my father passed away when he was 50 from colon

00:24:59.820 cancer that metastasized in his liver.

00:25:03.220 He was diagnosed when he was 44.

00:25:05.460 So he died, what, six years later.

00:25:08.540 I was 16 when he was diagnosed and 21 when he passed.

00:25:13.080 I have processed his death over the past year and have peace with the event.

00:25:17.200 But now that this has shaken me, I know this does not guarantee that this will be my path,

00:25:22.660 but damn, it is bringing up feelings from when he passed away when I was 21.

00:25:27.780 And to be honest, I am scared as hell.

00:25:30.300 Not for me, but for my son and wife.

00:25:32.580 I have everything in order.

00:25:34.420 If I were to die for them to be okay financially, but I worry about them having to go through the

00:25:40.240 emotional trauma.

00:25:41.840 Normally I feel pretty strong and I know what needs to be done in tough situations.

00:25:45.640 I feel lost.

00:25:47.400 I feel scared.

00:25:48.580 Any help would be greatly appreciated.

00:25:51.680 Well, first of all, I mean, I appreciate you sharing this.

00:25:54.440 These are vulnerable conversations and I use that in the truest sense of the word,

00:25:59.460 not this modernized version of vulnerability.

00:26:05.700 Here's one.

00:26:06.400 I read this a little bit earlier before you jumped on the podcast.

00:26:08.840 Here's one thought.

00:26:09.440 Your dad may have saved your life through his own diagnosis.

00:26:16.640 Really?

00:26:17.540 Like you may not have gone and had that taken care of if your dad didn't pass away the way

00:26:23.200 he passed away.

00:26:24.940 So he literally could have saved your life.

00:26:27.640 I had a friend years ago tell me about his own personal story.

00:26:32.400 And he was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer that he ended up really struggling

00:26:39.360 with, fighting with, and then ended up beating that cancer.

00:26:43.160 And it was, it was hard for him.

00:26:45.840 And as he was talking about this form of cancer, he, he communicated when he was younger, how

00:26:51.300 he felt when he was diagnosed and all the challenges and struggles that he dealt with.

00:26:55.420 And he cursed God.

00:26:56.380 And he said, why, why does this have to happen to me?

00:27:00.100 Why me?

00:27:00.600 What, why, why, like, what did I do?

00:27:02.760 What, why do I deserve this?

00:27:04.100 Why are you punishing me?

00:27:05.100 And he cursed God.

00:27:05.760 And over the time of researching this, this cancer that he was confronted with, he realized

00:27:12.120 that this was hereditary.

00:27:13.100 And I can't remember right offhand if it was a son or daughter who was later and eventually

00:27:17.140 diagnosed with the same disease.

00:27:18.900 And he said, now I know why God did that.

00:27:26.620 He was preparing me to be able to help my child overcome the same thing I had to.

00:27:35.500 And there's so much relatability in somebody who's gone through the same thing as you.

00:27:39.360 So I do want to share that with you that your dad actually might be a hero without even knowing

00:27:48.440 or acknowledging it to his family, because he may have saved your life.

00:27:53.540 So that's one aspect.

00:27:56.300 The other aspect is being radically honest, being completely honest with your wife and your

00:28:05.760 children, because I know in these times we're supposed to quote unquote, supposed to be strong

00:28:11.000 and you, you should be strong.

00:28:12.740 You cannot break down in front of your wife and kids.

00:28:15.260 You can feel the way that you feel.

00:28:17.080 You can be sad.

00:28:18.240 You can be scared.

00:28:18.860 You can do all of those things.

00:28:19.660 And you can communicate that in a very healthy, constructive, masculine way, but you can't

00:28:23.660 break down in front of them.

00:28:24.640 If you need to break down, you can call me.

00:28:26.140 You can break down with me because we know each other.

00:28:30.400 You've been to our events.

00:28:31.680 We've had conversations.

00:28:32.580 If you want to break down and like fall apart for a time, you just call me up.

00:28:37.300 I'll take, I'll take that call.

00:28:39.340 But you can't do it in front of your wife and kids.

00:28:42.880 You can be honest with them.

00:28:43.920 I'm not telling you to see them, but you need to do it from a rational level headed place.

00:28:48.640 And you need to have these conversations.

00:28:50.180 Hey kids, we need to sit down as a fan.

00:28:51.840 Well, obviously you'd have this conversation with your wife first to make sure she's on board.

00:28:55.280 But hey kids, we need to sit down as a family.

00:28:57.440 We need to talk about this.

00:28:58.500 Here's some health concerns.

00:28:59.820 Here's why I'm scared.

00:29:00.680 Here's why it's important.

00:29:04.180 Here are the things that I've done to ensure this is in place.

00:29:07.420 That if something were to happen now or in the future, you guys are taken care of.

00:29:12.500 And not only do you get all your ducks in a row, but you communicate what you've done.

00:29:16.680 And with young children, to the degree that they're able to process what you're talking about, you owe that to them.

00:29:26.520 Man, could you imagine never sharing that with your kids and then them finding out one day that you have 60 more days to live?

00:29:33.180 How traumatizing.

00:29:35.960 Yeah.

00:29:37.220 Versus sitting down with them and saying, hey, this is the reality of the situation.

00:29:41.580 And here's what I'm going to do.

00:29:42.720 We're going to change our diet.

00:29:44.640 We're going to start exercising and getting in shape.

00:29:47.960 We're going to educate ourselves on this illness and this disease.

00:29:51.820 We're going to make sure all of our financial ducks are in a row.

00:29:57.240 When you guys want to be reckless with money, here's why we're not going to do that.

00:30:00.760 Because we need to think about if I were gone.

00:30:04.120 Man, these are actually really powerful, productive conversations that I think can actually get a lot of buy-in from your kids about why this is so important.

00:30:12.340 Because the last thing you want to do is have them guess about why dad's different or why mom's behaving weirdly.

00:30:18.360 And then one day you're gone.

00:30:20.880 Yeah.

00:30:21.700 I just wish more of us would have real conversations about real issues.

00:30:26.480 Yeah.

00:30:26.900 And what great lessons.

00:30:28.880 These are great lessons.

00:30:30.680 I mean, and Bob, hopefully you feel the spirit of what I'm about to say.

00:30:35.620 But like, we're all going to die.

00:30:38.260 And so, let's die well.

00:30:46.680 You know?

00:30:47.180 And maybe that's also, I mean, let me say it this way.

00:30:52.840 Because I don't want to be like, you know, saying anything negative about your current circumstance, Bob.

00:30:58.280 Right?

00:30:58.500 Have hope and those things.

00:30:59.660 But we will all die.

00:31:01.840 Absolutely.

00:31:03.440 And the possibility of my children dealing with my death is really high.

00:31:08.980 So, how well do I deal with it?

00:31:11.980 Do I die well?

00:31:13.640 Do I shine bright?

00:31:15.780 Do I give them hope in regards to how it's done?

00:31:20.020 Or do I exit in a way that then they're addressed, they're having to address that struggle for themselves with zero modeling on how to do it well?

00:31:28.940 Well, there's some power in our exit being done really well.

00:31:34.960 Because that will serve them.

00:31:37.720 Because eventually they will also need to exit.

00:31:41.000 Kip, I'm reminded, I don't want to steal any of your own story, but I'm reminded of the story you told me how you struggled with your father's death and your daughters in particular writing you a note about why you can't sulk and be sorry why you need to be.

00:31:58.520 Can you share that story real quick?

00:32:00.700 Do you mind?

00:32:01.480 I know that's putting you on the spot, but would you mind sharing that?

00:32:03.620 No, it's fine.

00:32:04.060 I mean, I, and I make this mean something, right?

00:32:07.660 But like my dad passed away on my birthday.

00:32:11.080 And so the, the anniversary of his, of his death, um, is a little tough.

00:32:22.300 It's a tough birthday.

00:32:25.000 And, um, my daughter wrote me a note and she said something to the extent of, and this is my daughter, Kika.

00:32:32.760 She said something to the extent of, you know, it was, it was great.

00:32:36.480 Dad, we love you.

00:32:37.660 We appreciate you.

00:32:38.380 All these things.

00:32:39.420 And then she goes, um, and I'm sure you miss your dad, but you need to move beyond that because we need you.

00:32:51.280 And does that serve them, right?

00:32:53.980 Depending on how we deal with things, how we deal with death, how we deal with our own death, right?

00:32:59.220 Those are, those are opportunities to, to serve those that we love, you know?

00:33:05.360 And that was a reminder from my daughter of like, Hey, it matters how you show up.

00:33:10.020 I know you're sad, but it matters because it affects us.

00:33:16.560 It's modeling, right?

00:33:17.780 Like you model the behavior that you'd want to see in them.

00:33:20.760 And, you know, I did, I did a Friday field.

00:33:24.120 Thank you for sharing that, by the way.

00:33:25.240 I know that's hard.

00:33:26.160 Um, especially on the spot.

00:33:28.020 I did a podcast last week about what we do echoes in an eternity and man, what a champ.

00:33:34.660 Like think about the, think about the movies that we love and the hero dies.

00:33:39.640 Why do we celebrate that?

00:33:42.200 Why do we honor that?

00:33:43.000 Cause he died well, well, you know, he lived and he died well.

00:33:49.500 And we have a choice how we, how we act in, in those moments.

00:33:55.600 And it's scary and it's hard.

00:33:57.140 And I'm, and by the way, I'm not, I don't, I don't think you're going to die anytime soon.

00:34:01.180 You caught it early enough or Paul, like, I think I want to be clear on that.

00:34:04.640 You're, you're addressing it the way you need to.

00:34:06.700 And I'm sure the prognosis is, is great.

00:34:08.680 I hope it is.

00:34:09.260 Please let me know if I'm mistaken, but man, you have a real opportunity here to model what

00:34:15.720 you would like your kids to do and live and all of those things as well.

00:34:19.740 Jordan Stanley, he says, how do you regain momentum after a major life catastrophe?

00:34:27.220 For instance, I lost my mom 68 to cancer last year and my brain just doesn't seem to operate

00:34:33.380 the same and it's been very hard to regain that momentum.

00:34:36.320 I have last year before her diagnosis and her death.

00:34:40.080 How can I hit the reset button and go back on track mentally?

00:34:45.720 So as you're reading that, I had a thought, first of all, I'm sorry for your loss.

00:34:49.840 I don't really want to imagine my mom passing away right now.

00:34:53.520 So I can, I can feel to the degree I can, what you might be experiencing.

00:34:58.000 My dad's passed away and Kip, you just talked about your dad passing away.

00:35:01.000 So I can experience that and feel that, but that would be tough.

00:35:06.500 I had this immediate knee jerk thought and I'd be really curious what you think about

00:35:10.680 this Kip.

00:35:11.640 My thought is this, it really doesn't matter what I say.

00:35:15.800 What would she tell you?

00:35:19.860 What, if you asked her the same question, because obviously you honor her, you love her,

00:35:25.360 you're obviously, what would she tell you to do?

00:35:30.100 I'm not going to, I'm not even going to assume what she would tell you.

00:35:32.600 I'm just going to leave it there.

00:35:33.520 What would she tell you to do and then honor her the way it sounds like you have and live

00:35:40.040 the life that she would advise you to live?

00:35:43.880 Spot on.

00:35:45.220 I think another way of looking at it is what would you tell your kid?

00:35:48.920 Another great way.

00:35:51.420 Yeah, for sure.

00:35:53.620 That's the answer.

00:35:55.440 What, so let's give a little context here.

00:35:58.080 I'm not going to tell Jordan what to, cause I don't know.

00:35:59.800 I don't, I don't know their dynamic, but I think if my mom passed away, ooh, man, this

00:36:04.660 might, this is, that's actually tough to think about.

00:36:08.740 I think she'd want me to be happy.

00:36:10.280 I think she'd want me to, um, follow my dreams.

00:36:16.700 I think she'd want me to really be vested in being a good father, being present and available.

00:36:24.700 Um, I think she would talk with me about overcoming my own vices and struggles.

00:36:30.300 Um, I think she would probably tell me to be more compassionate towards myself.

00:36:34.760 I don't want to, I'll actually stop right there, but those are some of the things.

00:36:38.500 And I think that's the reset button, right?

00:36:42.880 Is you, you, one of the most powerful ways to deal with the loss of a loved one and grief

00:36:51.460 is to honor them in how you're living.

00:36:54.820 And for me, what I think about that, that makes me want to be not just reset to baseline.

00:37:01.100 That makes me want to rate, raise the baseline.

00:37:03.480 That makes me want to be a better version of myself than probably I was before the event

00:37:08.380 actually occurred.

00:37:09.660 So it could be even more powerful than a reset button.

00:37:14.180 If, if our focus is how do we honor them, um, and show up differently or more powerfully

00:37:21.240 in a way that honors them, but also honors, um, those in our care as well.

00:37:29.260 I actually think too, in addition to that, there's, there's value in mementos.

00:37:33.800 So maybe she had a pendant or something that she wore, or, or maybe you have a pendant that

00:37:43.380 reminds you of something that she used to tell you as a kid.

00:37:46.760 And that's a necklace that you wear or, or, or, or a bracelet, um, or, uh, you know, something

00:37:55.620 at home on the bookshelf that reminds you of, of her and the lessons that she taught

00:38:00.760 you.

00:38:01.040 Or, you know, maybe it's a little, a little note, or maybe she used to say phrases that

00:38:05.780 when you were a kid, just you'd roll your eyes at and would bother you.

00:38:08.460 And now you're like, damn, that was actually really good motherly advice.

00:38:11.620 And you have that sitting on the dashboard of your car.

00:38:15.180 So every time you're driving down the road, you remember, oh yeah, mom said this, I got

00:38:18.360 to do that.

00:38:19.440 Um, I actually, there's a lot of value in mementos for the things that you want to learn

00:38:23.040 and the people you want to hold on to.

00:38:24.860 Yeah.

00:38:25.920 I love it.

00:38:26.880 Yeah.

00:38:27.420 And even journaling about her, you know, document those.

00:38:30.820 So your, your children can have a relationship with her as well.

00:38:34.080 Right.

00:38:34.500 And your grandkids.

00:38:35.140 You've talked about that.

00:38:35.600 Yeah.

00:38:35.740 Like they're, your, your kids is a grant.

00:38:38.540 Is it grandma or grandfather that they, they act as if they know them, but they, they don't.

00:38:44.120 They passed away before they were born.

00:38:45.760 Yeah.

00:38:46.340 Or when they were little.

00:38:47.360 They know Asia's grandma, Mimi, they know her, right?

00:38:51.860 Because she journaled, right?

00:38:53.680 And Asia hasn't let go of her legacy.

00:38:56.780 Right.

00:38:57.600 Yeah.

00:38:58.360 So.

00:38:58.820 That's awesome.

00:38:59.580 That's really cool.

00:39:01.000 All right.

00:39:01.160 What's next?

00:39:01.980 All right.

00:39:02.260 Josh Sutton.

00:39:02.880 Man, this one's tough.

00:39:03.400 This is a, this is a deep, ask me anything today.

00:39:06.540 Holy cow.

00:39:07.960 Lighten it up a little bit for us.

00:39:09.760 Josh Sutton.

00:39:10.960 How do you prioritize goals in life?

00:39:13.100 The best.

00:39:13.840 I want to keep my fitness, but I also want to pay off debt quickly and could pick up more

00:39:19.660 hours or a second job.

00:39:22.400 Yeah.

00:39:22.920 So you're operating in a false dichotomy.

00:39:25.240 This is Josh, right?

00:39:26.520 Yeah.

00:39:27.520 He's already operating in a false dichotomy.

00:39:29.600 So he's setting himself up for failure.

00:39:31.140 This, this one's a really, this is a false dichotomy.

00:39:33.740 That's really hard for me to wrap my head around.

00:39:35.420 So I think we'll be able to kind of break this down and dissect this a little bit.

00:39:39.260 But you're saying that if you want to stay healthy, you can't stay healthy because you're

00:39:46.220 prioritizing your finances.

00:39:47.940 And I don't, that, that doesn't compute to me.

00:39:51.780 And there's two reasons why I think you might be thinking this financial constraints and time

00:39:56.220 constraints.

00:39:56.660 So a lot of people who are trying to get out of debt, for example, and get their money

00:40:01.460 house in order, Dave Ramsey might say, you know, live on beans and rice and cut out

00:40:05.480 unnecessary expenses.

00:40:06.540 So you might make a choice to cut out a $50 gym membership and that's fine.

00:40:11.140 Like that might be a prudent decision.

00:40:14.860 Okay.

00:40:15.320 So now you're not going to the gym.

00:40:16.560 So find a buddy who has a home gym, go run, go do pushups every morning, go to the park

00:40:22.380 and do a park workout, like dialing your diet, hikes, dialing your diet.

00:40:26.580 Yeah, exactly.

00:40:27.140 Like there's so much you can do that if you're, I don't think he's saying this.

00:40:31.020 I think he's more concerned about the time constraints.

00:40:32.880 But if somebody is hearing this and like, well, I don't have money to go to the gym.

00:40:36.360 What?

00:40:36.680 Do you think that our ancestors had climate controlled gyms where all of the weights were perfectly

00:40:45.780 symmetrical and balanced for optimal performance?

00:40:49.000 No, they were just badasses because life required it.

00:40:52.100 So go outside and get to work.

00:40:55.980 That's it.

00:40:56.380 Just get to work physically.

00:40:58.420 Go for a walk every night with your wife.

00:41:00.960 Go run with your dog.

00:41:02.580 Go jump on the trampoline with your kids.

00:41:04.940 When your kids are at the park, do park stuff with them.

00:41:08.080 We have a funny game.

00:41:08.940 I'm not even going to say the name of it because it sounds so silly and stupid, but it means

00:41:11.800 something to us that we made up and it's dumb and it's funny and it's hilarious.

00:41:16.560 And we play together like there's so many options that you can do now, as far as the

00:41:22.380 time constraints, I think that's a little bit more legitimate, but I know you, Kip, you

00:41:27.880 train jujitsu on your lunch break because that's what works for your schedule.

00:41:33.840 And some people might say, well, that doesn't work for my schedule.

00:41:36.320 Yeah, I know.

00:41:37.040 Probably not.

00:41:37.800 So do something different.

00:41:39.320 Maybe it's in the afternoon.

00:41:40.360 Maybe it's in the evening.

00:41:41.300 Who knows?

00:41:42.100 Maybe it's just between appointments.

00:41:43.800 You know, yeah, Kip, you and I schedule in one and a half hour blocks.

00:41:48.340 So if we have an hour meeting, we actually block out an hour and a half.

00:41:52.260 Okay.

00:41:52.680 You have a half an hour.

00:41:54.300 You could crank out 50 pushups in a half hour.

00:41:56.900 You could do 20 burpees.

00:41:58.080 You could do some sit-ups.

00:41:59.000 You can do some air squats.

00:42:00.280 You can put kettlebells under your desk and do some front squats with kettlebells.

00:42:05.960 Joe DeSena, the founder of Spartan, he literally carries a kettlebell with him when he travels.

00:42:10.780 It's like a 40 pound kettle, but he just carries it around.

00:42:12.980 Michael Easter does the same thing.

00:42:17.480 The Comfort Crisis is the book that he's most well-known for.

00:42:21.300 He'll just go walk around and ruck in the airport when he's traveling.

00:42:25.680 Like, don't tell me you don't have time.

00:42:28.540 And here's how I know this.

00:42:29.640 If there was an attractive woman, like a beautiful woman, and you were working, you're doing a 15-hour shift today, and there's this beautiful woman, and you think, man, I just got it.

00:42:45.540 And she's interested in you, and you're like, I just want to spend time with her.

00:42:48.540 But, man, I got a 15-hour work day, and then I've got this thing that I've got to do after work, and then I probably only get five hours of sleep.

00:42:55.740 You're telling me there wouldn't be something that you would sacrifice to make that work to spend with her?

00:43:02.400 Come on.

00:43:02.980 You just don't want it bad enough.

00:43:06.740 That's all it is.

00:43:07.520 You just don't want it bad enough.

00:43:08.680 And if that's the case, just be honest about it.

00:43:11.180 Yeah.

00:43:12.240 Yeah.

00:43:12.860 If you're like, no, I don't want that.

00:43:14.460 I don't want that attractive woman, or I'm not willing to do that work.

00:43:17.000 Fine.

00:43:17.400 Just say that.

00:43:18.240 But I get tired of hearing people who say, oh, I really want to be in shape.

00:43:23.040 I really want to be fit.

00:43:23.920 I really want to have this.

00:43:25.280 I really want to have that.

00:43:26.260 I really want to work on my relationship.

00:43:28.040 But, but nothing.

00:43:30.800 It's just a prioritization.

00:43:33.360 You're just making things more important than that, and you're not managing your time well.

00:43:38.520 Yeah.

00:43:38.840 And part of this is us letting go of the expectations of what it looks like, right?

00:43:43.320 I mean, we get sideways when we have expectations of like, oh, I want my fitness dialed in, and

00:43:48.460 this is what it's going to look like, right?

00:43:50.160 And then when life happens and it disrupts it, people get sideways.

00:43:55.380 I mean, look at COVID.

00:43:56.720 A bunch of people got more healthy?

00:43:58.200 No.

00:43:58.860 Why?

00:43:59.400 Because the systems changed, right?

00:44:02.400 What they were used to, how fitness work, going to the gym, those things changed on them.

00:44:07.120 And so they threw it out.

00:44:08.340 So you might have to let go of this ideal way that you think it should be and make do with

00:44:16.500 what you have if it's important enough.

00:44:20.120 I mean, that's-

00:44:20.540 And by the way, really quick, by the way, like doing jujitsu at lunch, here's the deal.

00:44:29.320 It's rarely ever the class.

00:44:32.580 Sometimes meeting runs long.

00:44:34.740 I don't have time.

00:44:35.560 I literally have 20 minutes to go train.

00:44:39.420 Almost every single time when that happens, I'm tempted to go, no, not ideal.

00:44:45.780 I didn't get the whole hour.

00:44:47.500 And then I, you know, no, I'm better off for some versus none.

00:44:52.660 And so then I go anyway.

00:44:54.320 You have to kind of have that type of mentality.

00:44:56.380 Well, so this is something I call, Kip, and I don't know if this has ever been talked about

00:45:02.760 this way, but I've just dubbed the term, it's the fulfillment fallacy.

00:45:07.920 And I see this all the time.

00:45:09.500 And what I mean by that, and maybe I can come up with a better term for it.

00:45:12.480 And if you guys have ideas, let me know.

00:45:13.760 But like I said, I call it the fulfillment fallacy.

00:45:15.740 And the fulfillment fallacy is that if I cannot fulfill the desire to the nth degree, I'm not

00:45:21.780 going to do it at all.

00:45:22.440 So I saw this all the time when I was running my financial planning practice, I would meet

00:45:28.640 with people and I'd say, hey, let's get you saving a hundred bucks a month into a, you

00:45:31.840 know, an IRA or something.

00:45:33.240 And they'd be like, oh, well, I really want to save a thousand dollars a month.

00:45:35.780 So like, I'm not going to do anything.

00:45:37.220 That's the fulfillment fallacy.

00:45:38.500 It's like either I can fulfill it to the nth degree or I'm not going to do anything.

00:45:42.500 Okay.

00:45:43.040 I get that you want to invest a thousand dollars a month and I appreciate that, but let's get

00:45:47.580 you started at 10% of that.

00:45:49.420 And then we will fulfill the rest down the road as you have the means to do it.

00:45:54.740 It's the same thing with jujitsu.

00:45:56.420 Is it ideal?

00:45:57.540 Are you going to get the best workout?

00:45:59.660 The hour and a half, the two hour, are you going to be fully committed and bought into

00:46:03.000 it because you might be distracted from a schedule that you have, or you got to jet out early

00:46:07.140 because of an appointment, or maybe a client got mad at you before jujitsu and now you're

00:46:11.040 just frustrated.

00:46:11.780 So you're not as focused on what you do.

00:46:13.440 That's the fulfillment fallacy.

00:46:14.760 You think that because it's not going to be ideal that you shouldn't do it at all.

00:46:20.000 No, just do it to the degree that you can.

00:46:23.460 And the next day you can do it better and better and better and better.

00:46:26.380 And so eventually you will fulfill the desire to its fullest, but you can't do it right

00:46:32.040 now.

00:46:32.260 Just get started.

00:46:32.880 It's fine.

00:46:33.420 It's fine.

00:46:34.620 Yeah.

00:46:35.320 Yeah.

00:46:36.200 Those are all the questions from Facebook.

00:46:38.600 Okay, cool.

00:46:39.700 Um, let's jump over to, what did I say?

00:46:45.220 Hold on a second here.

00:46:47.620 We were going to go over to, um,

00:46:50.740 The gram if there was.

00:46:52.420 Instagram.

00:46:53.060 That's right.

00:46:53.740 Yeah.

00:46:54.720 Okay.

00:46:55.240 So here's the first one.

00:46:56.280 This one comes from Spartan Mode.

00:46:57.860 Uh, he's been a follower for a very, very long time and I hope we get a chance to connect

00:47:02.100 here soon.

00:47:03.300 He says, I followed your journey since the beginning.

00:47:05.520 I enjoy your messages and you've clearly inspired thousands of men to aim higher.

00:47:09.820 Looking around, I've noticed a pattern.

00:47:11.660 A lot of men say they want to level up yet few follow through.

00:47:16.040 In yours and Kip's opinions, what separates the ones who truly transform from those who

00:47:22.540 stay stuck in the same patterns year after year?

00:47:26.760 What would you say to that, Kip?

00:47:28.300 Oh man, you make me go first.

00:47:30.440 I have to think about this for a second.

00:47:32.640 Or I can.

00:47:33.240 I mean, I've, I'm never at a loss for words.

00:47:35.140 The words aren't always great, but I'm never at a loss for them.

00:47:39.520 Uh, you know what I think separates, um, here's what I think it is.

00:47:44.720 The ones that, the thing that separates the people who do the work and the people who don't,

00:47:50.780 two things.

00:47:52.940 Actually, maybe just one.

00:47:54.280 It's expectations.

00:47:55.960 It's all it is.

00:47:57.040 It's faulty expectations around either their desire or what it will take to accomplish.

00:48:03.760 Yeah.

00:48:03.840 So if I, for example, say to myself, since we were talking about jujitsu, I want to become

00:48:09.460 a jujitsu black belt, but I've never trained before.

00:48:14.340 Kip, is that going to be easier or harder?

00:48:16.440 Do you think?

00:48:16.960 Then I think it will be having never trained before.

00:48:20.660 Yeah.

00:48:21.160 It's, you have no idea what you're at, what you're signing up for.

00:48:24.200 Yeah.

00:48:24.500 You think like, oh, my kid has a karate, my, my, my kid has a karate black belt in a couple

00:48:31.140 of years.

00:48:31.420 I'm good to go.

00:48:32.400 Yeah.

00:48:32.920 Yeah.

00:48:33.260 Because what we do is we look, we look at it through the lens of people who already have

00:48:37.580 achieved it.

00:48:38.040 And we think, well, Kip, like Kip seems like a normal guy.

00:48:40.960 He seems like a guy who's got a family and a good head on his shoulders, but he's an

00:48:44.500 average person, but like, like if he can do it, I can do it.

00:48:48.200 But you don't realize what Kip had to do over what, 14 years, 12, 14 years of training at

00:48:53.720 this point, 14 years of training, bro.

00:48:57.220 People can't commit to 14 minutes of doing something, let alone 14 years of doing something

00:49:03.940 or, or they think, you know, I really want a thriving marriage.

00:49:07.900 I want to be connected with this woman and I, I want to build a life together and I have

00:49:11.900 this romantic version of what this will look like.

00:49:13.880 And then the first time you argue, you're like, ah, what a bitch.

00:49:18.860 It's like, well, hold on a sec, man.

00:49:21.000 It's going to be hard.

00:49:23.440 Or you want to start a business and they look at the lens of what we have been able to create

00:49:27.060 over 10 years.

00:49:27.740 And you're like, oh, that's easy.

00:49:29.100 You just get to talk to people every day.

00:49:32.360 Well, yes, but there's other things behind it that make it successful that you're not even

00:49:39.700 acknowledging.

00:49:40.220 And so you have a faulty expectation of what it will take.

00:49:44.480 Therefore, when you run up against that first hurdle, you're like, oh, I didn't know what's

00:49:50.120 going to be like this.

00:49:50.780 Or maybe there's something wrong with me, or maybe I'm doing it wrong because I'm facing

00:49:54.360 these challenges, these hurdles and obstacles.

00:49:57.120 And you quit.

00:49:57.900 Because you either overestimated your own abilities or you underestimated what it would take and

00:50:05.040 how long it would, you would have to do it in order to achieve success.

00:50:09.480 So I think most people start what they want to do.

00:50:12.700 I do.

00:50:13.000 I think most people start the fitness workout.

00:50:15.840 I think most people try to improve their marriage.

00:50:18.800 I think most people try to eat healthier.

00:50:21.220 I think most people maybe pull up their bank account for the first time so they can get

00:50:25.100 their budget under control.

00:50:26.400 And the minute it gets hard, they're like, nah, not committed.

00:50:31.140 Didn't know it would take this.

00:50:32.200 I'm out.

00:50:32.800 Even if they say it subconsciously.

00:50:35.060 Yeah.

00:50:35.660 Yeah, I agree.

00:50:38.400 Another way of thinking about his question, like, what's the difference?

00:50:42.340 And I think these comments are in alignment, but for me, it's self-awareness, right?

00:50:48.640 Because, like, the person that is not self-aware enough and they reach an expectation of, like,

00:50:54.740 oh, this is harder, they don't, they're not even self-aware enough to, like, self-evaluate

00:51:00.400 of what is it that they're doing and why are they quitting?

00:51:03.680 And they're just too flippant and being blown by the wind.

00:51:08.680 You know what I mean?

00:51:09.200 And so I think there's an element here of when we undermine, when we are out of integrity,

00:51:15.760 when we don't do what we said we would do, when we know we want to be happy, but we show

00:51:22.920 up in a way to cause conflict in our marriage, if there's a lack of self-awareness, then the

00:51:31.440 probability is that we're not learning and growing from our mistakes and it's everybody

00:51:36.460 else's fault, right?

00:51:37.560 And so it's like, oh, I want this amazing marriage, it shouldn't, and then we'll latch

00:51:41.900 on to, it shouldn't be this hard, it must be the person I married.

00:51:46.520 Yeah.

00:51:47.300 And what do you even do with that, right?

00:51:49.280 There's no growth in that and they're just going to constantly be blaming and pointing

00:51:55.700 the finger at everybody else for them not achieving things.

00:51:58.340 Agreed.

00:52:00.800 I mean, it's just, I think it's just a misrepresentation of what it's going to take to achieve results.

00:52:09.300 Totally.

00:52:09.760 This is why I think it's very dangerous, very, very dangerous for any man to discount any

00:52:16.580 other person's level of success.

00:52:19.380 Yeah, totally.

00:52:19.980 If you look at a guy and you're like, man, this guy's been married for 40 years, he's

00:52:26.720 got a lovely bride, he's got four kids, they're all successful, one's a doctor, one's a lawyer,

00:52:33.960 one's a this, one's a that, they've got 18 grandkids and man, if only I would have met

00:52:39.160 a woman like that or had the wealth that he does or lived in the place that he does,

00:52:44.940 oh man, I could have that too.

00:52:46.480 No, you couldn't.

00:52:48.280 There's no way you could have that because if you could have had that, you would have

00:52:51.940 already been on the path to having it.

00:52:54.320 Totally.

00:52:54.960 Or you look at somebody like even Trump, and I know this is a polarizing subject, but you

00:52:59.440 think, oh, well, you know, the reason he's a billionaire is because daddy gave him X amount

00:53:04.900 of dollars to start his first business.

00:53:06.540 And if daddy would have given me that money, then I know you wouldn't have, you'd be exactly

00:53:11.480 where you are right now.

00:53:12.980 Yeah.

00:53:13.520 Because you didn't earn that.

00:53:13.900 He couldn't even deal with his dad.

00:53:15.380 Maybe his dad was horrible.

00:53:17.420 I don't know any of that.

00:53:18.880 I would probably guess he probably was.

00:53:20.300 I think Trump loved his father, but I'm sure he wasn't the most pleasant man to be around.

00:53:25.060 No.

00:53:26.280 You know, so if you ever catch yourself saying or rationalizing or justifying or diminishing

00:53:34.360 somebody else's success on a whim or fortune or this or that without acknowledging the

00:53:39.960 real work that it took to get there, then all you're saying is, I just, there's nothing

00:53:46.920 I can do.

00:53:47.780 It's all left to God and fate.

00:53:49.960 And I just have to wait for my ship to come in.

00:53:52.940 Good luck with that.

00:53:54.140 And you know, the interesting thing about that, that I found for people who are like,

00:53:58.960 man, I just, you know, when, when I get my break, when I catch my lucky break and I'm

00:54:04.300 like, well, okay, let's talk about your life.

00:54:05.640 And they tell me about their life.

00:54:06.440 I'm like, what about that?

00:54:07.600 You had a guy that said you wanted to start a business with you.

00:54:09.560 You didn't do that?

00:54:10.120 Well, no, because it was okay.

00:54:12.680 Or, or they tell me about this incredible woman that they met and they're like, oh yeah,

00:54:17.100 she was great, but she did this thing I didn't like.

00:54:19.800 It's like, so even if your ship comes in, if you're not in the right headspace, you won't

00:54:27.160 even acknowledge it as your ship.

00:54:28.920 That was your, that was the woman you were supposed to pursue.

00:54:32.260 That was the business venture you were supposed to try.

00:54:35.540 That was the hobby that you were supposed to engage in.

00:54:37.940 And you didn't because conditions weren't perfect.

00:54:41.280 Shame on you in that situation.

00:54:44.160 Yeah.

00:54:44.560 A good pulse.

00:54:45.620 I think I was at the main event years ago and I didn't even remember what I talked about,

00:54:52.200 but I remember asking this question because it tied into the conversation, but it was

00:54:56.940 like, you know, by a raise of hands, you know, who believes that if their spouse would only

00:55:02.720 show up differently in their marriage, they would have a more successful marriage.

00:55:07.500 Yeah.

00:55:08.060 Everybody.

00:55:09.440 Everyone's hand goes up.

00:55:10.580 If we grabbed everyone listening to this podcast and said, okay, who all wants to be a millionaire?

00:55:15.580 Raise your hands.

00:55:16.540 All hands go up.

00:55:18.400 No, you don't.

00:55:20.060 Let's whiteboard the cost.

00:55:22.460 Let's whiteboard the price that must be paid.

00:55:25.280 And we'll see if you really want it or not.

00:55:28.220 So we have these desires of expectations of what we want without the underlining understanding

00:55:35.440 of what's required to get there.

00:55:37.000 And then we, then we're, then we walk around upset.

00:55:41.360 Like really, you're going to, you're going to walk around upset.

00:55:43.840 All you had to do is actually come up with the list of what's required.

00:55:46.520 And then you could come to the conclusion.

00:55:48.140 I don't want any of that.

00:55:49.260 I don't want to be a millionaire.

00:55:51.480 I'm not willing to pay the price.

00:55:53.060 Then awesome.

00:55:53.720 Be content where you are then.

00:55:55.960 But, but, but complete the thought.

00:55:58.300 Yes.

00:55:58.600 I want to be a millionaire.

00:55:59.640 And this is what I'm willing to pay to get there.

00:56:02.660 And if those don't line up, then let it go.

00:56:04.720 Well, I was thinking about the wife thing that you were talking about.

00:56:08.900 How many guys want their wives to be different so that the relationship will be better.

00:56:13.080 There's an easy way to get your wife to act differently.

00:56:16.160 Be different.

00:56:17.080 You act differently.

00:56:18.280 Yeah.

00:56:19.360 Yeah.

00:56:19.800 If you, and it goes both ways, by the way, if you want to start being a dick and abuse

00:56:23.880 her and be emotionally abusive and ignore her and create friction and distance between

00:56:29.020 the relationship, don't be surprised when she says, okay, and does the same thing.

00:56:33.740 Yeah.

00:56:34.920 If, however, you want to get closer, you want to be more intimate, physically intimate,

00:56:38.520 you want to have an emotional connection, you want to serve each other, you want to

00:56:41.180 lean on each other, you want to support each other, then do that.

00:56:43.700 And she will come around.

00:56:45.100 Of course she will.

00:56:46.400 Of course she will.

00:56:48.440 And same thing with your kids, same thing with your clients, same thing with your boss.

00:56:51.880 And these are all questions we get every single week.

00:56:54.240 Oh, my boss is a dick.

00:56:55.160 Well, so are you.

00:56:58.460 Oh, my kids can be little assholes.

00:56:59.900 Well, so can you.

00:57:00.920 Oh, yeah.

00:57:02.020 Where did they get it from?

00:57:03.540 All right.

00:57:04.500 The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, as they say.

00:57:08.560 All right.

00:57:09.060 Let's take one more.

00:57:09.840 Okay.

00:57:10.180 Okay.

00:57:10.780 Sounds good.

00:57:11.920 Let's see.

00:57:12.640 So this one is.

00:57:15.940 Well, here's a good, here's an interesting one.

00:57:18.460 Utah.

00:57:19.980 Oh, Utah Jits Mama.

00:57:22.120 Oh, Mio.

00:57:22.520 Oh, do you know who that is?

00:57:24.920 Yeah, yeah.

00:57:25.380 I know Mio.

00:57:26.580 Okay.

00:57:26.940 So Mio says, how can men change the sexually violent, the sexual violence numbers?

00:57:32.380 What are the prevention opportunities that men specifically have that women don't?

00:57:37.280 Thoughts on if there is toxic masculinity, there is, is there also toxic feminism?

00:57:42.820 Also, just for my own personal curiosity, why is toxic masculinity such triggering phrase

00:57:46.960 when so many men, and what, when, let's see, for so many men, and what would you prefer

00:57:53.240 term-wise?

00:57:54.600 That's a lot.

00:57:55.080 Oh, instead of that term.

00:57:55.600 That's a lot to unpack.

00:57:56.820 Yeah.

00:57:57.620 First off, it's one question, not five.

00:57:59.980 Yeah, ask me anything, not ask me everything.

00:58:01.980 Yeah.

00:58:02.400 All right, well, let's unpack some of this.

00:58:08.060 So let's do, I think the toxic masculinity thing is, is good, is a good one to start with.

00:58:12.420 That's, that's more of an easy one, I think.

00:58:14.260 Yeah.

00:58:14.560 I don't like the term toxic masculinity because too many people have used it to paint all

00:58:18.680 masculinity as inherently toxic.

00:58:20.860 And that, that's why I don't like that.

00:58:22.500 Do I think there's improper use of masculinity?

00:58:24.940 Of course.

00:58:25.640 And would some people call that toxic masculinity?

00:58:28.300 Sure.

00:58:28.620 And if that's the context of which we're talking about, I can agree with that a little

00:58:33.260 bit.

00:58:33.840 But when a group of people, bad actors, I'll say, get ahold of a term and use it to paint

00:58:39.540 all masculinity as toxic, that's where I take issue.

00:58:42.960 So I believe, and I'm going to be as succinct as I possibly can on this, that masculinity is

00:58:48.660 not toxic and it's not inherently virtuous either.

00:58:52.980 And I'll have men in the, I'll have people in the men's space who will disagree.

00:58:56.460 They'll say masculinity is good.

00:58:57.860 No, it's not.

00:58:58.520 It's not good and it's not bad.

00:59:01.180 It's amoral.

00:59:02.840 What is masculinity?

00:59:04.100 It's a set of characteristics and behaviors that are driven by our biological hardwiring,

00:59:09.540 our hormones, our chemistry, our biological makeup, and that's it.

00:59:13.860 So if I walk down the street and I see a lovely woman and I think, you know, I'm going to steal

00:59:19.020 her purse or I'm going to sexually assault this woman, we would, I might have a propensity,

00:59:24.360 a greater propensity as a man to do that than a woman might have.

00:59:27.480 I don't think generally women are thinking, I'm going to go steal that man's wallet or

00:59:31.980 I'm going to sexually molest him as he's walking down the street by himself.

00:59:35.960 That's something that I think generally we can agree is something more geared towards

00:59:40.900 what a man might do because of his masculinity.

00:59:43.000 His need for sexual gratification, dominance, power, authority, all these things, okay?

00:59:52.800 So we would all say that's an improper use of our biological conditioning.

00:59:57.740 But if I see a man doing that to a woman and I go in and I beat the shit out of him and

01:00:03.100 I neutralize the threat, we would all say, that's a man.

01:00:06.040 That guy used his propensity for violence, his desire to protect, his physical aggression

01:00:11.800 to subdue a threat to somebody who wasn't able to take care of it themselves, we would

01:00:18.480 all say that's a man.

01:00:19.300 So what's the difference?

01:00:20.260 It's just the use of masculinity and what we would call that is manliness.

01:00:25.800 It's the ability to harness our masculine characteristics for virtuous and righteous

01:00:31.540 outcomes for ourselves and for the people around us.

01:00:33.900 And we would say, that is a man.

01:00:38.040 So I don't label improper behavior as toxic masculinity.

01:00:44.160 I just say, that's a man who engaged in improper behavior.

01:00:47.040 Let's line him out in one way or the other, whether it's sending him to prison, enacting

01:00:53.720 violence against him, or in some cases, it's just a little coaching.

01:00:56.960 You know, my son makes a stupid comment or mistreats his girlfriend.

01:01:01.360 I'm going to say something.

01:01:02.280 I'm going to bring it up because he needs some correcting.

01:01:05.260 And that's how we funnel and harness masculinity into good outcomes.

01:01:09.840 Would you add anything to that?

01:01:11.600 No.

01:01:12.080 I mean, I think it's spot on.

01:01:13.280 And I think it addresses the other questions, right, around, is there toxic feminism?

01:01:18.760 Is there, it's same thing.

01:01:20.900 Of course.

01:01:21.160 It's amoral.

01:01:22.520 Can feminism have a bad negative trait or have a negative side to it as well as a positive

01:01:28.260 side?

01:01:28.760 Absolutely.

01:01:29.200 And I think it's obvious why it's a triggering, at least for us, maybe, and other individuals

01:01:36.460 in this space.

01:01:37.480 It's, we don't like the blanketed statement that masculinity is this negative thing, right?

01:01:43.240 And it often gets used that way.

01:01:45.500 And that's really where that triggering comes from.

01:01:47.340 Well, I would only make one clarification when, when she said thought, thoughts on if there

01:01:52.620 is toxic masculinity, is there also toxic feminism?

01:01:57.260 Feminism isn't the counterpart to masculinity.

01:02:00.600 Femininity is.

01:02:02.720 And there's a distinction between femininity and feminism.

01:02:06.780 So is there toxic femininity?

01:02:11.280 Yeah.

01:02:12.640 Okay.

01:02:13.100 So, so here's a great example.

01:02:14.880 What, well, let me ask you, generally, what would we attribute characteristics towards,

01:02:20.760 towards women and femininity?

01:02:22.960 What would you say it is, Kip?

01:02:26.000 They're more emotionally connected, loving, caring, thoughtful.

01:02:30.720 Nurturing is a word I would use.

01:02:34.240 Nurturing.

01:02:34.800 Yeah.

01:02:35.200 Yeah.

01:02:35.400 That's a better word.

01:02:36.360 Yeah.

01:02:36.920 Yeah.

01:02:37.680 So I agree with all of that.

01:02:39.540 So let's say a mother is raising a son and she's being all of the lovely things that

01:02:47.600 she is.

01:02:48.760 Loving, caring, nurturing, compassionate, empathetic.

01:02:53.340 But she's not willing to acknowledge that her son needs physical outlets and needs to be

01:02:59.860 taught tough love and needs discipline in his life and needs to get in fights in some ways.

01:03:07.140 And she shelters him from all of that and puts him in a little bubble and says, it's

01:03:12.000 okay.

01:03:12.400 And let me take care of this.

01:03:13.780 And let me just make sure you're okay.

01:03:15.800 Like, and all of the things that are lovely about a woman, but she takes it to the extreme.

01:03:19.560 That's toxic.

01:03:20.660 That's, that's actually harmful for young men.

01:03:22.920 Now we don't usually acknowledge that because it's easier to see when a man is toxic, it's

01:03:30.460 easier to see there's a, a very clear and real threat in the immediate, meaning somebody's

01:03:35.740 in danger.

01:03:36.180 If I see a woman and I want to exploit her sexually, for example, she's in very real danger

01:03:42.300 right now.

01:03:44.520 So society sees it and they're like, well, men are more dangerous.

01:03:47.140 But here's, here's an interesting thing to consider.

01:03:50.780 How many school shooters don't have fathers in their lives?

01:03:57.340 Now we don't recognize it immediately, but 10, 15, 20 years down the road without a clear,

01:04:02.920 healthy father role, these young men are, young boys are going in and shooting up schools.

01:04:09.920 That is a manifestation potentially of two things, toxic femininity and lack of manliness.

01:04:19.520 But it, but society doesn't talk about it because it's not as readily apparent and it's not as

01:04:25.460 a, as a clear and present threat and danger as maybe quote unquote toxic masculinity might

01:04:31.100 be.

01:04:31.440 And let's be honest.

01:04:32.820 I don't know.

01:04:33.700 Maybe I'm, I'm going on fringe here, but like society also doesn't want to say, Hey,

01:04:38.260 single mom, your environment is not ideal for kids.

01:04:41.720 Right.

01:04:42.400 Sure.

01:04:42.860 We want to stay away from that.

01:04:44.660 God forbid.

01:04:45.180 We say that dads are like a require a requirement for a, a well nourished and raised child.

01:04:54.120 Yeah.

01:04:54.840 Good point.

01:04:55.560 You know what I mean?

01:04:56.420 And so they, we don't, we won't, we won't touch that.

01:04:59.100 And that's why, you know, Dr. Farrell's book is so profound, right?

01:05:03.600 It's like statistical evidence after evidence of the negative drawbacks of fatherless homes.

01:05:09.340 It's profound.

01:05:11.080 This isn't like, Oh, well, Timmy's, you know, passive aggressive, right?

01:05:16.620 No big deal.

01:05:17.480 No, it's like, it's a cascading effect, which I think is a perfect segue, which is, which

01:05:23.980 is Mio's first question here around sexual violence numbers and the best ways to prevent.

01:05:30.060 Right.

01:05:30.400 Like, guess what it is?

01:05:32.640 It's fathers in the home is what it is.

01:05:34.680 Right.

01:05:35.280 That's the number one prevention tool.

01:05:39.040 So, and because we know that, what I would say to single mothers who, and there are a

01:05:44.400 lot of single mothers who listen to this podcast is, please do not take this as an indictment

01:05:50.420 against your lovely feminine approach to the world.

01:05:54.320 I think it's beautiful.

01:05:55.340 I, I love what women bring to our society and to culture.

01:06:01.340 Like life, life would be horrible if it was just all men.

01:06:05.720 It'd be great.

01:06:06.600 Like in some ways it'd be like, this is a disaster.

01:06:08.940 It'd be like, you know, Lord, it'd be like awesome for 24 hours.

01:06:14.220 And then it would be horrible.

01:06:15.680 It would be ugly and it would be contentious and it would be, it would be violent and like

01:06:23.620 nobody would, would be kind towards each other.

01:06:26.800 Like it would be craziness.

01:06:28.060 And, and this, there's also a converse universe where if it was just women, it would be horrible

01:06:33.580 too, right?

01:06:34.920 Yeah.

01:06:35.360 We need each other, but so I don't want a single mother to take this as an indictment

01:06:39.560 against her loveliness, but you, you gotta have other men in their lives.

01:06:46.280 You, you have to get them involved in sports.

01:06:48.900 You have to get them involved in youth activities where it's, it's just boys and men.

01:06:54.540 You have to encourage them to hang out and spend time with other boys.

01:06:58.660 You have to recognize that them building a dirt track in the backyard and building, you

01:07:06.520 know, maybe tearing up the grass and making a ramp out of the grass, although would, might

01:07:11.300 frustrate you and bother you is actually kind of cool because they're boys or that if you

01:07:17.420 see them out fighting, as long as nobody's hurt, like, or getting injured at the risk of

01:07:21.080 getting injured and they're fighting and they're working things out, then you have to kind

01:07:24.140 of back off a little bit and respect the masculinity that they're working through right now.

01:07:28.800 And then of course, get good men in their lives through, through fathers, through uncles,

01:07:33.220 through grandparents, through friends who can help mentor, guide, and instruct.

01:07:38.040 And that is the answer, I believe, to the sexual violence numbers.

01:07:41.660 It's horrific.

01:07:42.260 It's horrible.

01:07:42.820 I think about this with my own daughter.

01:07:44.920 You know, Kip, you have daughters too.

01:07:46.220 You know, a lot of the men who listen do.

01:07:47.560 I'm scared, man, for my daughter because of how prevalent it is.

01:07:52.940 And you need to do two things generally.

01:07:55.080 We need more men who are training and coaching and consulting and guiding our young men.

01:08:03.260 And you also need to empower women for a couple of things.

01:08:11.100 Naivete is one that I see a lot in young women.

01:08:13.620 Like they're, and again, it might sound incriminating.

01:08:16.920 It's not.

01:08:17.820 I just think more, I think women are generally more naive about the world than men are.

01:08:22.720 Yeah.

01:08:23.700 So you need to be realistic about what a young woman faces when she goes off to college or

01:08:28.560 she goes on a date or whatever it might be.

01:08:30.740 You can't be naive.

01:08:31.700 The other thing I think generally speaking is more accurate about women than men is that

01:08:36.560 they're more people pleasing.

01:08:39.540 And so they actually will, in a lot of cases, care more about other people's discomfort than

01:08:47.180 they will their own.

01:08:48.600 They don't want to make it awkward.

01:08:50.060 They don't want to make it uncomfortable.

01:08:51.400 They don't want to make it weird.

01:08:52.500 And so they might be talking with a man who's strange or gives them bad vibes, but because

01:08:58.460 they don't want to make that person feel weird, they put themselves in compromise.

01:09:01.700 And so we have to be honest about that.

01:09:04.880 And fathers will do that for their daughters.

01:09:07.340 And then the last component of that is get them in martial arts.

01:09:10.860 Yeah.

01:09:11.260 Get them in sports, get them in martial arts, let them have a voice, let them have a way

01:09:15.460 to defend themselves.

01:09:16.300 And look, honestly, the reality is, even if a woman on average is in martial arts, she's

01:09:22.660 still probably not going to be able to completely 100% fend off an attacker who's a big male,

01:09:31.380 for example.

01:09:33.040 But there's a level of confidence that comes from it that I think keeps her out of more

01:09:37.680 situations that could otherwise be a risk for her.

01:09:41.140 Totally.

01:09:42.580 Totally.

01:09:43.140 Yeah.

01:09:44.160 Yeah.

01:09:44.640 And it's interesting.

01:09:45.920 I don't know if you'd want to, well, I'm going to, I'm throwing it in there.

01:09:48.980 You know, we're talking about single moms, you know, having some masculinity around the

01:09:54.840 house, right?

01:09:55.360 Trying to, you know, put them in sports and get them around other men.

01:09:58.320 Um, but this thought crossed my mind and that's why we have this conversation for the majority

01:10:07.620 of listeners that are men about being more masculine because we could have a home where

01:10:14.620 dads are in home and guess what?

01:10:16.000 Dad isn't very masculine and he isn't very manly and he's not doing the things that we're

01:10:22.700 talking about.

01:10:23.300 Right.

01:10:23.520 And so, so, you know, it's one, yes, single moms get, get some men in their, you know,

01:10:29.380 good men in their lives.

01:10:30.980 And then men that are in the home, be better men, be more manly and do your job better.

01:10:37.920 Right.

01:10:38.400 Which ultimately is at the root of everything that we talk about week in and week out.

01:10:42.420 And by the way, when you do that, not only are you going to feel better about yourself,

01:10:47.220 everybody around you is going to feel better.

01:10:50.680 Like we, we have this weird thing generally in society where men are supposed to, um, be

01:10:59.340 more, you know, egalitarian where everybody's the same and, and don't, don't make yourself

01:11:04.340 different than a woman or don't, um, even acknowledge your differences and, and be more

01:11:12.320 passive and timid and be more like a woman.

01:11:16.680 And you know, who hates that?

01:11:19.440 Women.

01:11:22.920 Like you think that you're doing it to appease society or appease your wife or appease your

01:11:28.060 kids or, and all of them despise you more for it.

01:11:31.620 Yeah.

01:11:32.100 You know what women appreciate you being a man, especially because it's harder and harder

01:11:37.980 to find.

01:11:38.800 So what does that, what does that actually mean?

01:11:41.140 It means that you stick to your word.

01:11:47.160 It means that when you say something, you follow through.

01:11:50.800 It means that when there's a challenging issue that arises, you confront it.

01:11:56.540 You don't wait for anybody else to acknowledge it or you do it.

01:11:59.160 It means that when something needs to be said in a relationship, you're the one who brings

01:12:04.480 it up.

01:12:06.220 Why would you wait for your wife to bring it up?

01:12:08.300 You know, it exists.

01:12:09.160 She knows it exists.

01:12:10.440 Be a man, bring it up.

01:12:12.560 Yeah.

01:12:12.720 Talk about it, deal with it.

01:12:15.000 Um, it means making yourself capable.

01:12:17.040 It means little things, planning activities and dates.

01:12:23.860 Uh, it means opening the door or walking on the right side of the street.

01:12:27.420 When you're walking your wife down, it means sitting in the correct seat at a restaurant.

01:12:33.380 Like, we think these things are little.

01:12:37.140 They're not little.

01:12:38.320 They're actually really big.

01:12:39.880 And everybody around you is watching you to see how you will behave.

01:12:43.600 And the less manly you are, the less faith they have in you and the worse society is.

01:12:50.400 Step up, be bold, be courageous, lead, be capable, be assertive, use your voice, use

01:12:57.300 your physicality if you need to, learn how to dominate.

01:13:01.300 And I'm not saying like sexual domination.

01:13:03.600 I'm not saying that.

01:13:04.140 I'm saying learn how to dominate in the workspace.

01:13:07.100 Learn how to be the best at whatever you do.

01:13:09.380 Because your job is to put yourself in that position to lead other people into a new place.

01:13:15.360 And people will respect you for it.

01:13:17.640 That's it.

01:13:18.420 Anything else, Kip?

01:13:19.740 No, sir.

01:13:21.320 Great way to write.

01:13:21.720 All right, guys.

01:13:22.820 Yeah, you know, man, we talked about this a couple of weeks ago.

01:13:26.300 I think the questions are getting better.

01:13:28.640 So I'm not sure if, I'm not sure what that is a result of.

01:13:32.180 Maybe it's just that we've been doing it long enough and mocked all the bad questions

01:13:35.140 that nobody dares put a bad question in there anymore.

01:13:37.140 But these are really, and there's fewer questions than there has been in the past.

01:13:43.220 But the ones that we get seem to be way more thoughtful and powerful.

01:13:46.580 Do you feel the same way?

01:13:47.880 Totally.

01:13:48.480 Totally.

01:13:48.960 Yeah.

01:13:49.380 Yeah.

01:13:49.840 Yeah.

01:13:50.640 So guys, I really appreciate your questions.

01:13:53.200 Hopefully we gave you some things to consider.

01:13:54.920 Some of that got heavy in the middle of our discussion today.

01:13:59.080 And for me, it did.

01:14:00.560 So anyways, I appreciate you guys.

01:14:02.220 A couple of things to check out right now.

01:14:03.740 If you want to go check out our bookshelf, we've got a lot of great books.

01:14:06.760 25 books that I have personally read.

01:14:09.940 These are not books that I've not read or I'm not familiar with.

01:14:13.200 They're personal recommendations, including five that I'm currently reading.

01:14:16.260 Go check that out at orderman.com slash bookshelf.

01:14:18.880 And also we've got our event up and running for next year, The Men's Forge,

01:14:24.640 which I believe is the end of April, beginning of May.

01:14:27.940 I can't remember right offhand, but if you go to themensforge.com, you can get enrolled.

01:14:33.500 That's it, guys.

01:14:34.120 We'll be back on Friday.

01:14:35.000 Until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.

01:14:42.860 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

01:14:45.780 If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be,

01:14:49.820 we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

01:14:52.980 All this for knowing is a whole other, take care of your life.

01:15:00.100 Thank you.

01:15:00.840 Thank you.

01:15:00.880 Thank you.

01:15:01.420 Thank you.

01:15:01.960 Thank you.

01:15:02.840 Thank you.

Order of Man - June 04, 2025

Regain Momentum, Be a Manly Man, and Overcome Your Heart at War ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Hate Speech Sentences

Summary

Transcript