Order of Man - Rekindling the Sexual Fire, Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother-In-Law, and Reframing Relationships ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.220 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. All right, you guys, back for another edition of the Ask Me Anything.

00:00:28.520 I'll be fielding questions here today from the Facebook group. These are questions that are

00:00:33.960 left over from last week that either A, Kip didn't get to, or he was too afraid to answer.

00:00:40.740 Now, today, he's on vacation, so it seems like every other week you're either going to hear from

00:00:45.320 Kip or you're going to hear from me, but that's the way it goes. Also, we noticed when I was gone

00:00:51.060 last week for the Ask Me Anything that we had a bunch of emails and messages from guys who said

00:00:56.680 that they want to co-host in the future if I'm not able to make it or Kip's not able to make it

00:01:01.180 because I do think it's good to have the two of us or at least two people because it gives some

00:01:06.900 room to bounce ideas off of and different thoughts and different angles on these questions. So we're

00:01:13.380 going to entertain that. We're going to entertain that because we always want to have two hosts on

00:01:18.940 the Ask Me Anything. But today, because we didn't fully plan for this, you're just going to get me

00:01:24.440 and you're going to have to deal with it. Whether you like it or not, that's what it is. But I feel

00:01:28.740 like I've got some insight, a little bit of insight. Now, I will tell you, I don't have everything pinned

00:01:32.400 down, guys. No one man does, but I hope I can give you some honest perspectives and different ideas

00:01:40.900 and opinions because most of what I share is just opinion. It's not fact. I realize that. Although my black

00:01:47.180 and white personality leads me to believe that sometimes it's just that simple. But I realize that

00:01:53.700 not everything is that simple, but some things are. All right, guys, let's get into the questions

00:01:59.180 here. I've got about 10 I'm going to try to get to today. We're going to start with Cody Reese. Every

00:02:04.840 time we talk about finances, it seems to be a popular subject because I know a lot of you guys want to

00:02:10.160 pay off debt, save money, retire, invest, et cetera, et cetera. So Cody Reese starts by saying, what are the best

00:02:17.360 strategies to becoming debt free? Now, look, the best strategy is just to pay down your debt.

00:02:23.420 That's the simple answer. But if we were to get more technical than that, as a former financial

00:02:28.940 advisor, I would suggest to you that Dave Ramsey's debt snowball concept, which has been around for a

00:02:36.380 long time, actually works. What you do is you list out all of your accounts or all of your debts that

00:02:45.280 you have. And you list them from smallest to greatest. Now, some people will pour over the

00:02:51.420 numbers and the data and say, well, you should pay off the one with the highest interest rate. And if

00:02:55.240 this interest rate is higher than that interest rate by this many points, then you should pay that

00:02:59.040 one off first. I get that mathematically. Sure, there's some exceptions and some cases to be made for

00:03:05.000 doing this in a different way. But in my own personal experience, mathematically, it tends to

00:03:11.520 work out better when you pay off the smallest debt first and then roll it to the next debt.

00:03:16.680 And also, there's factors that you cannot calculate. Like, for example, the sense of pride or satisfaction

00:03:27.420 or fulfillment that comes with actually paying off a debt. And what that does is that builds momentum

00:03:32.380 so that you can keep on the path. It would be like going into the gym and never like going to the gym

00:03:38.260 for five or 10 or 15 years and never hitting a PR. How long can you possibly do that for without seeing

00:03:46.220 some improvement? And that's why I like the debt snowball strategy, starting with the lowest balance

00:03:53.080 first. So you're going to list out those balances. And you're going to take whatever money you can

00:03:59.060 apply. Maybe it's $50, $100, $1,000. I don't know what your situation is, which says that maybe you

00:04:06.140 ought to consider where your money's coming from, where it's going. Can you track every dollar? Can you

00:04:11.660 account for every dollar? If not, that's the first step. You need to know how much discretionary income

00:04:18.020 you have. So you can realize and understand how much you can apply towards debt. But let's just

00:04:23.960 say for the sake of argument, it's $200 a month. Could be less, could be more. But for the sake of

00:04:28.540 argument, you have $200 extra per month that you can apply towards debt. So let's say that you have

00:04:35.700 a thousand dollar personal loan. I'm just doing easy math here. A thousand dollar personal loan,

00:04:40.060 a $2,000 credit card, a $4,000 medical bill, and an $8,000 car payment. And it goes up from there.

00:04:52.260 So you're going to pay the thousand dollars off first. You're going to pay whatever the monthly

00:04:55.600 payment is. Let's say it's $100. But you're also going to take that $200 discretionary income.

00:05:00.900 And instead of making $100 payments, you're going to make $300 payments to that $1,000 personal line

00:05:09.280 of credit that you have. And while you're paying that off, which should take you about five months

00:05:14.120 or so, if you calculate interest in some of the things in there, while you pay that off, maybe

00:05:19.140 four months, you're going to pay the minimum, not more, please hear me, not more. You're going to pay

00:05:25.420 the minimum payment on the rest of the debts. Now, once the thousand dollars is paid off, you're going

00:05:30.160 to take the $200 discretionary income. And you're going to take the $100 payment that was for that

00:05:37.640 personal line. And now you have $300 a month that you can apply towards debt. And you're going to

00:05:42.840 apply that to the $2,000 balance. When that's paid off, let's say that takes you another 10 months,

00:05:50.480 let's say. Then you're going to take the $200 you started with, the $100 from the personal loan,

00:05:58.080 the, let's say $200 from the $2,000 balance. And now you have $500 that you're going to apply to the,

00:06:05.100 I think I said it was a medical bill, the $4,000 payment. You guys get the idea.

00:06:10.500 This is the best way to pay off debt. You can look at it and you can, yeah,

00:06:15.160 you can analyze it, scrutinize, and maybe there's some exceptions to that.

00:06:18.080 But I'm just telling you from a pure numbers basis, but also psychological basis,

00:06:22.140 this is the best way to pay off your debt is the debt snowball. So that's what I suggest.

00:06:27.300 All right, next question. So that was from Cody. Let's go to David.

00:06:31.160 David, this is from David. Let me find him here. Osburnson. He says here, philosophy has so much

00:06:39.400 wisdom for us men out there. But what I've noticed is lack of science. Us men don't really study.

00:06:45.700 I don't know if I entirely agree with that premise, but let's keep rolling here.

00:06:49.940 Do you think science helps develop us as better men, for example, in biology and space?

00:06:55.480 Yeah. I mean, a hundred percent, a hundred percent. Anytime you study and gain knowledge and new

00:07:00.940 information and new perspectives and new ideas and new ways of looking at things, and you're exposed

00:07:05.480 to different information, you're going to be a more well-rounded individual. You're going to have

00:07:10.440 more talents and abilities and marketable skill sets. You're going to think more critically.

00:07:15.660 You're going to think differently about life and our relationship with the environment and

00:07:21.920 how we interact. And yeah, the answer is yes. Of course, it's going to develop us as better men.

00:07:28.000 We'll be more capable. We'll be more intelligent. We'll be more well-rounded and potentially be able

00:07:32.840 to turn some of these things into careers. So if you can study biology or space or engineering or

00:07:39.360 things that are not related, like art and martial arts and other aspects of life, then absolutely,

00:07:44.460 you should take advantage of that because the more you can learn, the better off you are.

00:07:47.540 All right. Let's go to Justin. Scroll down here. I'm looking at our Facebook group here.

00:07:54.100 So this comes from Justin Doyle. He says, I was watching entrepreneurs in cars and they talk about

00:08:00.580 frame a lot. Frame is in the roles of the relationship for the man and the woman and how

00:08:07.780 that shapes the dynamics. I assume you know about quote unquote frame. I've heard about framing in a lot

00:08:13.740 of different contexts. So I'm not entirely sure if I know what you're talking about in this context,

00:08:18.380 but let's keep going. If not, then ignore the question. What I was curious of though, is can you

00:08:27.860 reframe relationship years into relationship? Can you reframe the dynamics of who is who and who does

00:08:35.120 what and so on? Well, absolutely. Absolutely. You can reframe the dynamic. Of course, you and your

00:08:42.760 spouse need to be on board with the reframing and how it's going to go. And you need to talk through

00:08:47.780 and work through how this is going to look and what this is going to be like. But yeah, I mean,

00:08:53.060 consider that the inputs into your relationship have changed, right? The variables have changed.

00:08:57.860 Maybe she got a promotion or you got a promotion or one of you needs to move or kids came into the 1.00

00:09:04.080 equation or one of you, heaven forbid, had a medical condition or became disabled and couldn't work.

00:09:10.740 So there's a lot of external variables that could come into question and could change the dynamic of

00:09:16.320 the relationship. If you weren't able to adapt and she wasn't able to adapt, then how have millions and

00:09:23.140 millions of other families been able to adapt to these changing environments with regards to the

00:09:30.600 relationship? The answer, of course, is yes. Can you reframe the dynamics? So that's not the real

00:09:35.860 question because I think everybody would say, yes, you can reframe it. The real question, I think,

00:09:40.520 is how do you reframe it? Not can it be done, but how do you do it? And that's where the real challenge

00:09:46.120 lies. How do you teach an old dog new tricks, in other words, right? How do you do something

00:09:52.740 different? How does she do something different? And here's the real challenge is you and her probably

00:09:59.560 have become so accustomed and so comfortable to your current roles that you pride yourself

00:10:06.280 in your ability to do it effectively, right? I pride myself in my ability to bring home a substantial

00:10:14.740 income and family household income so that we can have the experiences and I can put food on the table

00:10:21.020 and a roof over my wife and my children's head and my head as well, but also have the experiences and

00:10:26.260 the relationships and all that we have going on in our lives. And she prides herself, my wife prides

00:10:31.980 herself on being able to stay at home and be a great teacher to our children. And as of the recording

00:10:39.380 right now, I could look out my window in my office and I could look down to our garden and I guarantee

00:10:44.080 that she's out there working in that garden. And she prides herself on that. She prides herself on

00:10:50.240 making sure that the house is warm and inviting and has an environment that fosters creativity and love

00:10:59.440 and kindness and growth and all the things that we want to create in our lives. She prides herself on

00:11:05.140 that. So if all of a sudden that changes for whatever reason, whether it's by design, intentionally we do it,

00:11:12.660 or some external variables thrust upon us, I said, that's a challenge. You know, if I can no longer

00:11:20.220 work, for example, because I was disabled or injured or incapacitated in some way, man, that would be

00:11:27.380 really hard for me because I pride myself on being in this role and doing it well. So that's not to say

00:11:35.220 it can't be done, but it's going to require, and this is the how it's going to require a lot of

00:11:40.200 conversations, a lot of trial and error, a lot of probably contention and frustration. But I think

00:11:47.620 if you leave the lines of communication open and you're honest with each other about what's working

00:11:52.400 well and what isn't working well, and you communicate frequently about what's going on,

00:11:57.320 then I think gradually and over time, absolutely. You can shift the dynamics and you can take pride in

00:12:03.100 fulfilling a new role. And I hear it from a lot of guys who actually are injured or they have a

00:12:09.000 medical condition that keeps them from doing what we would generally and typically consider the

00:12:13.500 masculine role of providing, right? Going out into the workforce and bringing home the bacon,

00:12:19.680 so to speak. And a lot of these guys, they struggle with that because of the medical conditions

00:12:25.180 they're dealing with. Does that make them any less of a man? Well, if you don't contribute at all,

00:12:29.500 then I think there's maybe a case to be made that you're being less manly. But there are other ways

00:12:35.280 to contribute. I don't entirely understand, for example, a man who stays at home and his wife goes 0.53

00:12:44.640 out and works. I don't understand that. That would be hard for me to wrap my mind around, but I know

00:12:49.660 that dynamic works for a lot of people. It poses its own set of challenges, sure. But can it work?

00:12:55.980 Yeah. And a man can pride himself on his ability to do that type of work. So afford yourself some

00:13:03.880 grace as things change. Know that it's not going to just like a light switch on the wall, immediately

00:13:09.300 switch overnight. There's going to be a lot of contention and frustration and growing pains as

00:13:14.380 roles change. But it can be done. Absolutely. You just got to keep those lines of communication open.

00:13:20.440 All right. That came from Justin Doyle. Let's go to this next one is from Mitch. Okay. So Mitch

00:13:29.200 Ashbeck. And I've answered this question quite a bit, but I pulled this question out because it's

00:13:33.160 very important to talk to me about this because we have an exciting announcement. So his question

00:13:38.220 or topic he wanted to discuss was creating rites of passages for our kids, especially if we,

00:13:45.240 uh, if I'm assuming he said, if we didn't grow up with any, uh, so maybe not, not entirely sure.

00:13:53.660 I understand that second part, but creating rites of passages for our children. So, uh, I'm not going

00:13:59.780 to completely answer this question because I've answered it quite a bit. If you were to go to

00:14:03.820 order of man.com and just type in rite of passage, you're going to find probably half a dozen or more

00:14:09.080 different topics, conversations, posts, podcasts on the subject. And you can find that easily.

00:14:14.920 But the reason I wanted to bring it up is because, uh, my son, my oldest son, uh, his name's Breckin.

00:14:19.940 He's going to be starting a new podcast here within the next two to three weeks. It's called man in the

00:14:26.360 making. And we're going to be talking about rites of passages, uh, along with other uncomfortable at

00:14:33.480 times conversations like the birds and the bees and religion and God and money and culture and racism.

00:14:39.020 And all the conversations that we as fathers should be having with our sons. He's also going

00:14:43.620 to be interviewing successful men and talking with them about how, uh, how to become, how to turn from

00:14:50.760 boy to, to man and how to do that effectively and, and step into that new role. So if you're interested

00:14:57.020 and you're a father, Mitch sounds like you are, and I'm sure that there's hundreds of thousands of

00:15:01.260 you who are listening to our fathers. Then I would suggest that you get signed up for early notification

00:15:05.600 on that. And you can do that at order of man.com slash man in the making order of man.com slash man

00:15:13.200 in the making for now type and write a passage, uh, in on a order of man.com and you'll find a lot of

00:15:20.560 information there. Okay. All right. Next one, Ethan foot. He says, how do you help others stop victimizing

00:15:28.600 victimizing themselves and take life in their own hands instead of blaming others for all of their

00:15:35.260 misfortune in life? Look, what I'm going to share with you is probably not as popular as what somebody

00:15:40.740 else might share, but this is, this is the reality. This is what I've found to be true. Unless somebody's

00:15:48.440 willing to help themselves, there's nothing you can do. And that's frustrating. As a man, we are problem

00:15:56.200 solvers, right? We look for problems. We identify solutions, we implement said solutions, and then

00:16:03.060 we keep driving on. That's we're, we're hardwired generally to do that. And so what happens is you

00:16:09.780 run across somebody that you love, a sister, a brother, a parent, potentially your spouse or a child.

00:16:16.720 And you think, I, I, I want to fix this person. I don't want them to victimize, be to, to victimize

00:16:25.040 themselves. I want them to take life into their own hands. I want them to stop blaming other people.

00:16:29.740 And unless they realize that there's a problem, there's not a dang thing you can do about it.

00:16:35.460 And how frustrating is that? And surely you're listening to me say this, you're thinking to

00:16:39.980 yourself, there's something, there must be something I can do. I guarantee that if you're at this point,

00:16:45.460 you've probably done everything that you can do. Introduce them to good information, invite them into

00:16:51.480 your circle, give them a book to read, give them a podcast to listen to, consult, coach, mentor,

00:16:58.780 befriend these individuals. You've done all that stuff. If you haven't, you wouldn't be asking the

00:17:04.140 question. And so you're at this point, probably this frustrating point where you just feel like

00:17:10.720 they're not ready. And the only thing I would say to you in that case is that it's a bit like

00:17:18.620 the prodigal son story in the Bible. You know, this, this man is thinking about a son and praying

00:17:26.260 for a son and a son leaves and he's continually thinking about him, but he realizes, you know,

00:17:31.060 there's nothing I can do about it. But when the son finally returns and we can only hope and pray

00:17:35.980 that they will, that he welcomes him with open arms. And, and that's how we have to have to act

00:17:44.320 in the situation is that unless somebody's willing to fix themselves, what, what can you do? And even

00:17:51.580 if you were able to do something, it will only be temporary until they really embrace that and own

00:17:56.400 it for themselves. And, and a lot of people just aren't there yet. So give them the foundation, teach

00:18:04.100 them what you can, invite them into your circle, and then just let the chips fall where they may.

00:18:10.120 And hopefully when they're ready, they know exactly where to turn and you can be that, that resource.

00:18:17.560 All right, let's go to Tom Tyler. Uh, I like this one. He says, how do you deal with a narcissist

00:18:26.380 mother-in-law? So fortunately I don't have to deal with this. My mother-in-law is great. Uh, so I don't

00:18:33.680 have to deal with this, which is a blessing because I know a lot of people do deal in difficult situations

00:18:39.640 with their mother-in-law. Again, I haven't had to, which is a wonderful blessing, but how do you deal

00:18:45.660 with a narcissist mother-in-law? You just create boundaries. I mean, that's really what it is,

00:18:49.200 guys. You just create boundaries because some people are just, are just toxic. Some people

00:18:53.960 are negative. Some people only care about themselves and nobody else and nothing else. And you've

00:18:59.740 acknowledged that you recognize that that's the first step. And now you have to create some

00:19:04.500 boundaries to protect you and your children. And in a lot of times your wife as well, because she

00:19:12.520 may not see it, or she may think that there's an ulterior motive. So there's a lot of conversations

00:19:17.280 that need to take place here with your wife, your spouse, uh, and also with your, your, your children

00:19:22.940 and also with her, because it's not right to set up boundaries and establish boundaries, but then not

00:19:29.440 communicate those boundaries to the people who will be impacted by those boundaries. So when you and

00:19:34.580 your wife need to come up with those boundaries together. Now I can't give you specifics because 1.00

00:19:39.200 I don't know exactly in the specifics of what you're dealing with, but if she's cares only about

00:19:44.140 herself and that ends up putting your kids at risk when they're there with her, well, you're the

00:19:49.580 father, you, your job, as we say in our motto is to protect, right? Protect, provide, preside. So you have

00:19:55.500 an obligation to protect your children. And some people say, well, you know, I left her in my

00:20:00.080 mother-in-law's care and she should be protecting them. Yes. But the buck stopped with you. You're

00:20:04.120 the dad, you're the father, that's your job. So you might be able to get other people involved,

00:20:11.160 but the responsibility is on your shoulders. And so if your children aren't safe, and I can't imagine

00:20:16.660 this is, you know, you're afraid for their life or anything necessarily. If that's the case,

00:20:22.380 that's, that's kind of an easy solution. But you know, if, if they're emotionally not being taken

00:20:27.360 care of, their needs aren't being met when they're with the mother-in-law, then yeah, you, you've got

00:20:31.880 to establish some boundaries. You have to identify what those are. When, when can the kids see her?

00:20:36.940 When can they not? What, what behavior will you tolerate? What will you not tolerate? And you and

00:20:43.760 your wife get on the same page and then communicate that, Hey, you know, we need to have a serious 1.00

00:20:49.300 conversation. We're worried about X, Y, and Z. And you know what? She's not going to be happy

00:20:53.260 about it. See, that's the thing. A lot of people think, well, you know, if I just say it the right

00:20:57.060 way or do it the right way, everything will be fine. No, that's not the case. A narcissist's mother-in-law

00:21:02.940 who you're going to establish some boundaries with, you think if you say it just right, everything will

00:21:10.280 go fine. No, it's not going to go fine. And you need to be prepared for that. And your wife needs to 0.98

00:21:16.220 be prepared for that. And she probably knows better than you because she's been around her 0.92

00:21:19.620 longer than you have. So you need to be prepared for this thing not to go well. And if it doesn't

00:21:25.860 go well, how are you going to handle that? What, what's the situation going to be? But the more you

00:21:29.440 stick to your guns, and I think if you do it in a reasonable way, and the longer you stick to your

00:21:33.580 guns, she will come around. The mother-in-law will come around because she wants to see you and her 1.00

00:21:40.180 daughter and her children. That's what she wants. But in my family, it's my rules. It's not my

00:21:49.480 mother's rules. It's not my mother-in-law or father-in-law's rules. They're my rules. I should

00:21:55.400 say mine and my wife's. It's our rules. And you can play our game or you don't get to play. And it's

00:22:02.540 as simple as that. All right, let's go to Chris Dalton. So here's an interesting one. I know this

00:22:11.380 is a challenge for a lot of guys. He says, how to rekindle the sexual fire and relationship after

00:22:16.300 kids. Look, I really don't think it has to change other than you have a new variable in the equation

00:22:21.940 that needs to be accounted for, right? Because when you don't have kids, it's easy. There's more

00:22:27.080 spontaneity. You're probably not as exhausted and tired when you don't have kids as you are when you

00:22:32.080 do. There's the ability to travel and to do exciting things. Yeah, that all is a little bit

00:22:39.760 easier, we'll say, when you don't have kids. But that's not to say you can't do it when you do have

00:22:44.360 children. Now, if they're young, if they're babies, that's a little different. But as they grow,

00:22:49.900 some of this stuff will take place and you'll have the opportunities to be spontaneous, to go on

00:22:54.940 trips, to go on vacations. We were talking about mothers-in-law. I think it's completely acceptable

00:22:59.840 and reasonable to ask that your mother, father or your mother-in-law and father-in-law take

00:23:07.160 little Timmy or little Susie for the night and you plan something with your wife. Just

00:23:13.480 take her out, take her to the movies, take her to a nice restaurant, take her to a game,

00:23:19.740 whatever she's into. Take her to that thing and be spontaneous and plan it all. That's what I would

00:23:23.760 say. Just plan it all. Because she's going to be exhausted, especially if you're just having

00:23:29.460 children right now. She's tired. She's exhausted. She's been pulled on. Maybe she's nursing. There's

00:23:35.740 so much to this and she's exhausted. If you're asking her to plan all this out when she's in that

00:23:42.540 mindset, it's just another chore for her. Putting another task or chore on her probably isn't going 1.00

00:23:50.440 to turn her on. But you know what would turn her on is the fact that you figured it all out,

00:23:56.640 that you did everything, that you planned it all, that you got the sitter lined up and you make it

00:24:02.800 happen. And I think that's generally what women want. I mean, guys, I can't tell you how often I

00:24:07.800 hear from women who think or message me and say to me things like, you know, Ryan, I'm so glad you're

00:24:13.300 talking about this because I want a man who takes charge. These are women who some of them are married 1.00

00:24:18.420 and some of them aren't, but they're looking for men who take charge, who take initiative and that

00:24:23.840 turns them on emotionally, physically. And isn't that the point? You want to rekindle the sexual fire.

00:24:30.980 That's a great way to do it. Be a man, act like a man, take some initiative and get it done. And in

00:24:36.840 return, she's going to be turned on by that and you will get what you want. She will get what she wants

00:24:43.820 and life will be better. It's a little harder when you have newborns. I get it. That's a season,

00:24:50.880 but be spontaneous, help where you can plan these things out, get her some relief as, as needed

00:24:59.700 from, from the children that is. And she'll resist that by the way. But this goes back to what I was

00:25:05.080 saying earlier about women priding themselves on certain things and men priding themselves on certain

00:25:09.560 things. She prides herself on taking care of the baby, which is good. She should, she should be

00:25:15.720 proud of that. If she wasn't proud of that, I would, as a, as a husband and father be a little

00:25:20.680 concerned. So the fact that she prides herself on making sure that the baby or the toddler or the

00:25:27.100 teenager gets what they need, that I think that's a, that's a good attribute, but it needs to be tempered

00:25:32.820 and it needs to be honed in and refined and managed. And you can help do that. And you should

00:25:38.380 help do that because that's going to be more beneficial for all of you guys, including the

00:25:43.760 kids, by the way. Okay. All right. Let's go to Fred. I think Fred's next. Let me look here.

00:25:51.900 See if I can track him down here. Fred, where are you at? Here we go. There he is. Fred Anderson.

00:25:57.200 Okay. So here, this is, I like this question. This is when I get occasionally, but if you've

00:26:03.940 been listening to the podcast for any amount of time, you know, that I used to ask all my guests

00:26:08.880 at the end of every interview, what does it mean to be a man? So, and I haven't done that for years

00:26:15.020 now at this point. So Fred says, why does Ryan not ask the people he interviews? What do you believe

00:26:20.380 it means to be a man anymore? There's a very specific reason. Well, there's a couple of reasons.

00:26:24.860 Number one, uh, I, I felt like I was doing an injustice to my guest whenever I would have

00:26:30.880 canned questions. And what I mean by canned questions is questions that, uh, I had written

00:26:36.300 down that I knew I was going to ask my guest because that detracts from a genuine conversation,

00:26:42.760 right? Unless you're interviewing somebody for a job or, or getting into podcasting and you're

00:26:50.080 a novice with podcasting, like you don't really ever have set questions. You know, like when's

00:26:57.580 the last time you thought about, you know, I want to have a conversation with my wife and I'm going

00:27:00.400 to write down five questions that I'm going to ask her verbatim. Or when's the last time you said,

00:27:05.140 Hey, you know, guys, we're going to do fight night. We're going to go to the game. Let's all get

00:27:08.620 together. And you wrote down 10 questions that you're going to ask all of them. That that's weird.

00:27:13.060 It's, it was weird. That's all it is. It's also disingenuous. And, and I realized that the more

00:27:20.700 that I asked canned questions, the less valuable the answers were, and it wasn't doing justice to

00:27:28.140 my guest. And I don't think it was doing justice to anybody listening. And then as I improved as a

00:27:34.400 podcaster, as a conversationalist, uh, I realized that I don't need to ask that question specifically.

00:27:40.760 I can work that question in to the conversations that I'm having. And if you listen carefully,

00:27:47.880 you'll hear, you'll hear the answer to that question without me having to ask it.

00:27:53.940 Because I'm asking about fatherhood and growing a business and how a man serves his community and

00:28:00.420 how he steps up and how he takes care of himself. And all of those are actually answers to that

00:28:05.480 question without having to ask that specific question. So I made the decision long ago,

00:28:11.700 years ago at this point, to be more of a conversationalist rather than to be a host

00:28:18.500 or a, or an interviewer. I'd rather be a conversationalist and conversationalists don't

00:28:24.480 ask canned questions. They ask thoughtful, intelligent questions. They don't get, they go down different

00:28:31.060 rabbit holes and different routes and they explore different concepts and things. They

00:28:35.260 didn't even realize that maybe would get drawn up in the conversation. That's, that's what a

00:28:41.380 conversationalist does. And so that's what I wanted to do. And so that's why, but the answers are still

00:28:47.260 there guys. What does it mean to be a man? Just to listen to their answers. They're telling you,

00:28:51.720 if they're talking about fatherhood, they're telling you, Hey, I believe a man is this kind of father,

00:28:56.120 or if they're talking about taking care of themselves, what they're actually saying is

00:28:59.980 that a man who values himself takes care of himself in this way, or he shows up this way

00:29:05.860 for his community, or he, or he shows up this way at his work. That's the answer to that question

00:29:10.720 without me having to answer, ask the question kind of like a flank maneuver, right? You're flanking.

00:29:15.400 All right, let's go to the next one is, uh, I think this one is John. Yep. John. All right. So John

00:29:25.020 says, and I'm not even going to try to burn out. I'm just going to call him John. John, John, you

00:29:29.420 know who you are. All right. So he says, uh, supporting your wife and kids is obviously

00:29:34.460 important. However, is there a stage where you do too much? Yes. And begin to neglect your own

00:29:40.620 requirement as a man. Yes. In other words, your personal development suffers, or should you

00:29:46.200 sacrifice this for, uh, the family in your view? Well, yeah, there's a point where you can do too

00:29:51.880 much. And there's actually a couple of different problems with this. All right. One is you, you hit

00:29:56.480 it. You neglect your own requirements as a man. That's a big problem. We'll, we'll dive into that in

00:30:02.860 just a minute, but there's another problem here too. When you do too much for somebody, you hinder and

00:30:09.120 hamper their opportunities for growth and development, right? Because if your wife or

00:30:14.840 your children are reliant upon you to do anything and everything physically, mentally, emotionally,

00:30:21.240 then you're doing them a disservice because when you're gone and you will be gone, whether

00:30:27.060 it's a vacation, uh, a work trip that you need to take, uh, or, you know, going in and participating

00:30:36.600 in your own activities and hobbies, like you're going to be gone at some, or you die, you're going

00:30:40.940 to be gone at some point. And unless you give your kids and your wife, the opportunity to

00:30:46.660 take care of themselves on their own. Occasionally you're really hamstringing them. You know,

00:30:53.040 I know guys who we used to go play basketball every Tuesday night and we would, we would talk

00:30:59.280 with the guys about coming. Hey, you want to come? And some of these guys would say, well, you know,

00:31:02.640 I'd like to, but my wife really wants me home. Like, bro, it's one day a week. It's one Tuesday

00:31:08.840 night after your kids are in bed. My wife, my wife really needs me. How pathetic. I mean, truly that's

00:31:16.720 the only, that's the only way to look at that. How pathetic. Now I don't know your situation. Maybe 0.99

00:31:22.200 there's other things going on, or maybe there's some extenuating circumstances, but to hear these 0.88

00:31:26.600 guys say this every single week began to become a little ridiculous. Your wife needs you at every 0.96

00:31:33.500 given moment or I'll be on hunts and outings trips with guys. Their, their wives will call them like

00:31:39.840 every, every couple of hours. I'm like, what the hell could she possibly have to say every couple

00:31:44.460 of hours to you? Give me a break. You know, my, my wife, if my wife calls me, if I'm on an outing,

00:31:51.760 my wife calls me, I, the first thought is like, I'm a little concerned because she doesn't normally

00:31:58.820 call me. So what's going on? And I think that's a healthier approach because she's somebody who's

00:32:04.540 independent, who can take care of herself, who doesn't need me at every turn to be able to

00:32:09.980 make her feel better. She can do that on her own. Like my wife doesn't need, and frankly, I don't need 0.99

00:32:16.100 her. Now we choose to be together because we're better together. We enjoy each other's company.

00:32:21.180 We love each other. We challenge each other in positive ways. So we want to be together,

00:32:26.580 but it isn't a requirement. And that's where men should get with their wives. And by the way, 0.94

00:32:33.980 if you have somebody who's needy and clingy and can't do anything without you and you're dating

00:32:38.300 that person, that's a serious red flag. That may not be a deal breaker, but I'm telling you guys,

00:32:44.380 that is a serious red flag. What I would suggest is looking for a woman who in part is, 1.00

00:32:50.200 is very independent. Who doesn't need your approval at every turn? Because it feels good

00:32:56.520 when she needs you. It feels good, but it's going to get old. And that goes both ways, by the way.

00:33:05.680 If you need her and you come across as desperate and needy, that's going to get old and wear on her

00:33:10.560 too. And she's going to ditch you just like you're probably going to ditch her. So yeah,

00:33:16.140 there's a point where you're doing too much and you and your, your wife need to communicate that.

00:33:22.660 And you need to say, Hey hon, on, well, I'll give you an example. So every Monday and Wednesday night,

00:33:30.620 I'm, I'm gone. I train. So two nights a week, she knows that I'm training from this time to this time

00:33:39.840 I'm going to be training. Uh, and that's my time. Does that work for you? Yep. That works for me.

00:33:46.020 Great. That works for me. Good. We get in the same schedule. And by the way, when I tell her that I'm

00:33:49.860 not asking for permission, Hey hon, do you mind if I go on Monday and Friday or Monday and Thursday?

00:33:55.160 No, I'm not asking her for permission. What I'm asking is, does this work with your schedule?

00:34:00.660 Cause I want to be respectful of that. Right. And if she said, Oh, actually, you know,

00:34:05.100 Monday and Thursday don't work, but a Tuesday and Wednesday would be good days. Okay. I'm willing

00:34:10.200 to work around that because we've agreed and entered into this relationship where we, we help

00:34:15.880 each other and we serve each other, but I'm not asking for permission. I'm asking you to get on

00:34:20.600 schedule and let's figure this thing out together. And by the way, one of the nights that I go,

00:34:24.900 that's her night too. So even when I get home, you know, we say, Hey, I take a shower, I get cleaned up

00:34:30.680 and she's doing her own thing. She's working in the garden or working on things around the house or

00:34:35.680 taking a masterclass, but that, that time is hers. So it's just as important for her to get her time

00:34:42.180 as it is for me. And, and don't make her feel bad too, guys. A lot of us will make our spouses feel

00:34:47.540 bad or guilty for, for taking time for themselves. But if you want to take time for yourself, you should

00:34:54.560 honor and encourage her to take time for herself. And by the way, she'll come back better. She'll be in

00:34:59.360 a better mood. She'll be in a better emotional state. If you honor her desire to do things without

00:35:08.680 you, it's okay. And vice versa. All right, we're going to take a couple more. This next one comes

00:35:16.100 from Steve Gerard, I think is how you would pronounce that. Sorry, Steve butchered it. I'm sure.

00:35:22.580 So July 4th was just a couple of days ago. Hope you had a happy Independence Day. And this was from

00:35:29.860 last week, but he says, with July 4th on the cusp, how do you explain your kids about the true meaning

00:35:33.680 of Independence Day? Look, we read. We talk about the founding fathers. We read the Declaration of

00:35:39.160 Independence. We listen to, to books and we read books and we study and we explore and we, we have

00:35:45.200 these types of conversations. I don't, I don't think it's a difficult or challenging thing.

00:35:50.320 In fact, I just had a conversation, I believe it was with my second son. We were going to get

00:35:56.220 fireworks just yesterday as of this recording. And I said, do you know what this day is really

00:36:00.960 about? And he said, yeah, I do. And I said, what is it? And he told me, he said, it's when we signed

00:36:04.720 the Declaration of Independence. I said, what does that mean? And he kind of hemmed and hawed around

00:36:08.600 it a little bit. Didn't know how to fully articulate what that meant. So we, we discovered it. You know,

00:36:12.760 we, we talked about it. Here's what that meant. Here's what they did. And here's why that was

00:36:16.420 important. And here's where it was before. In fact, last night, before we shot off some fireworks

00:36:21.880 that we bought earlier in the day, we watched Independence, not Independence Day. Sorry. I'm

00:36:26.920 looking at that. We watched The Patriot, which is a great movie. Of course it's classic, right? So we

00:36:32.580 watched The Patriot and we talked about red coats and blue coats and why Mel Gibson's character had a

00:36:40.740 red coat when he was a Patriot and he was a blue coat. And like, we just talk. And one thing that

00:36:49.360 I think we can do a better job of as fathers is asking questions because we constantly want to

00:36:56.100 teach and there's nothing wrong with that. We should be teaching and explaining, but I found just

00:37:02.280 through asking questions, you can guide a conversation. You can gauge what your children know and what they

00:37:06.720 don't know and where their gaps are and what they think about certain subjects just by asking

00:37:11.520 questions. And you can explore on a pack and uncover just through that process. Uh, last year or the year

00:37:19.920 before, I think it was actually the year before, uh, we went to DC and we saw all of these places and we

00:37:27.000 actually looked at the Declaration of Independence and they got to see it with their own eyes. And

00:37:33.740 when we talked about it and discussed it, there's so many ways to do it. You just have to be open to

00:37:39.380 it. You got to give yourself the space and margin to do it. Cause sometimes we get so busy that we

00:37:42.780 don't take time to do these types of things, but these are the things that are important.

00:37:46.860 So if you, if you create that margin and you're thoughtful about it, you'll be able to have these

00:37:50.960 conversations as well. All right. We're going to take the last question of the day comes from

00:37:59.500 Mr. Brian King. Uh, he says, at what point would you give up on a relationship with a friend or family

00:38:09.140 member when you seem to be the one who is always contacting and reaching out to maintain the bond?

00:38:15.140 I have also tested this by not reaching out to make contact and the relationship seems to fade.

00:38:21.560 Uh, this seems to happen frequently. Maybe I need to change my approach. Not sure.

00:38:25.940 Well, look, I mean, relationships are reciprocal or at least they should be. And if they're not,

00:38:33.280 they're usually toxic in some way. So I don't know that there's this one singular point in every

00:38:43.260 instance where you need to cut off the relationship, but I would be willing to bet that if you're asking

00:38:48.620 this question and it seems to be something that is happening more frequently as what you said,

00:38:53.700 and it's reoccurring, then this is somebody who's not interested in the reciprocity of relationships.

00:39:00.900 There needs to be a sacrifice, right? If I want to be in a relationship with somebody, whether it's my

00:39:05.420 wife or my children, uh, or just friends or colleagues and coworkers, there needs to be sacrifice

00:39:11.240 on both parts. People need to be willing to invite you to things, to include you in things. And if they're

00:39:17.880 not, and you're always the one going out of the way to ensure that they feel welcome and invited,

00:39:23.540 et cetera, et cetera, then this is not really a relationship. This is you just doing something

00:39:28.560 for somebody, which is real nice, but at some point it just becomes charity. And it's not really

00:39:34.120 about the friendship or the, uh, family relationship that you're interested in. So I would communicate

00:39:39.460 it actually. And I, and I think this is one thing that we, as men can work on a lot is being more

00:39:46.360 assertive. So Brian, if it was you and me, and I felt like I was always the one initiating the thing

00:39:53.380 and I felt like I was being slighted or you weren't initiating things. I would tell you that,

00:39:57.920 Hey, Brian, you know, man, I really enjoyed our friendship and I like having you over. Um,

00:40:02.540 you know, frankly, it just seems like I'm really the only one, uh, who's, who's initiating any of

00:40:07.520 the, uh, the activities and things like some up or you could figure out, like maybe they're having

00:40:13.480 a problem or maybe they're dealing with something or maybe they're feeling awkward about something,

00:40:16.760 or maybe they don't know what to do or whatever, or, but like, I, I just address things head on.

00:40:21.720 I'd rather do it that way than guess, you know, you talk about testing and think, yeah, maybe,

00:40:28.160 but I don't, I don't like testing people and playing games with people. I just much rather

00:40:33.480 just be way more assertive or just say to yourself, you know, it's not worth it. And, uh,

00:40:40.620 again, this goes back to the question about the prodigal son, you know, leave, leave, leave the door

00:40:44.460 open. That's what I would say. Leave the door open. And if they want to walk through it, that's on them,

00:40:50.100 but you don't need to go over to their house and pick them up. And I'm talking about metaphorically,

00:40:55.440 but just leave the door open. Hey, we're doing this thing on Saturday. If you want to come around,

00:41:00.760 we're going to have this outing. If you want to be here, but also spend time building relationships

00:41:06.400 with friends and family members who are interested in that. Cause right now you're just focusing on

00:41:12.180 the people who aren't, but focus on the people who are, you won't have time to think about this

00:41:16.300 other stuff that's going on. And it actually might become more attractive to these people who actually

00:41:19.880 want to get involved in a reciprocal relationship. All right. I hope that helps.

00:41:27.680 All right, guys, we've got some good questions today. Again, it isn't the same without, without

00:41:32.200 Kip, but, uh, he'll be back next week. I should be around next week. So I think we've got through

00:41:38.940 the past two months of us being traveling and being on weird and conflicting schedules. So we'll

00:41:44.460 both be back. But if not, again, like I said earlier, we're going to entertain the idea of having

00:41:47.900 a separate co-host to be able to have two people talking, discussing, bouncing ideas off of each

00:41:53.440 other, coming at it from different angles. Cause I think that's really valuable. Uh, you know,

00:41:57.020 one thing I wanted to mention is that, um, I've been noticing on, and I talked about this yesterday

00:42:02.140 on the podcast, but I've been noticing that Instagram is, is shadow banning us. Uh, they're,

00:42:09.240 they're not letting us mention they're giving people a difficult time in finding us, even with a podcast,

00:42:14.260 it's happening. And people have sent me messages and screenshots that, that are disturbing to say

00:42:20.000 the least. So I need you guys to share, right? That's how we're going to overcome this. Just

00:42:24.360 share it, promote it, talk about it, tag me if you can on social media places. I think you still can

00:42:30.620 on Twitter and Facebook, but I don't think right now, uh, based on what I've seen that you can even

00:42:35.240 tag me on Instagram, which is absolutely ridiculous. So we're going to keep fighting. We're going to keep

00:42:40.160 working. We're going to keep spreading the good word. I'm not slowing down. I'm not, I'm not stopping.

00:42:44.300 I'm not giving up. Like we're doubling down on this thing. I just ask for the support and help

00:42:48.380 from you. And you guys have been great about that up to this point. All I ask is to continue to do it,

00:42:52.900 leave the rating and review, whatever you can do to just give a little inch into the growth here that

00:42:59.420 we have with order of man will help because this is an uphill battle. And with the traction we're

00:43:04.180 gaining lately, more people are taking notice, which is good. And it's also presents. It's,

00:43:10.920 uh, some new challenges, growing pains that we'll be having to deal with, and you can help in that

00:43:16.160 mission. All right, guys, we'll be back on Friday until then go out there, take action and become the

00:43:21.880 man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take

00:43:27.060 charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order

00:43:31.720 of man.com.

Order of Man - July 07, 2021

Rekindling the Sexual Fire, Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother-In-Law, and Reframing Relationships ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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