Requesting a Promotion, Dealing with Revenge, and Helping people change ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 5 minutes
Words per Minute
161.51138
Summary
In this episode of the Ask Me Anything (AMA) we answer a few questions submitted by the men of the Iron Council. How do you deal with procrastination? What do you do when you find yourself procrastinating on something you need to do? What can you do to overcome the problem of over-analyzing things?
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the Order of Man podcast.
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You are listening to another AMA, the Ask Me Anything. I am running solo today. Of course,
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not as good when Mr. Mickler isn't with us, but we'll make do. We got some solid questions from
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the Facebook group. We'll go over these. We'll have a good discussion and be part of the discussion.
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And you're part of that discussion by hopping on the Facebook group, joining us on Facebook,
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having a conversation, bring up some of the questions that got submitted today, and have
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that conversation with other men above and beyond, obviously, of what you're hearing from me. Or if
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you're watching this on YouTube, leave your comments below. Let's hear what's working for you. Let's hear
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what's your insights and your opinions around some of these questions. And let's have an effective
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dialogue and conversation around the things that are ultimately important to men. And a lot of these
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questions are right in line with that concept of thinking. They're critical. None of this
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hypothetical talk, none of this stuff that aren't important, just the important stuff and the stuff
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that we should be talking about. So share this message, join us, and let's get rolling.
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So like I mentioned earlier, the questions today are going to be filled from our Facebook group.
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You can join us at facebook.com slash group slash Order of Man. And if you are interested in learning
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more about our exclusive brotherhood, the Iron Council, go to orderofman.com slash Iron Council.
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Let's get into it. So our first question is from Chris Andreon. I struggle with decisiveness.
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Some guys I know are great at coming to a decision quickly and then just fixing it if it isn't right.
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I tend to overanalyze always. Is there any way to change that? So first off, I can relate, Chris. I'm
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the same way. So when I think, I'll just give you a working example right now. So in my basement
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downstairs, we have a TV room for the kids and we have a TV on a stand and it's ugly, right? So I want to do
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a TV mount. I want to move it halfway up the wall. I'm going to get rid of all the cables,
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have maybe a Roku on the back of the TV, clean, really simple. Unfortunately, there's no power
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on that side of the wall. So I have to move the power over, go up, you know, put a new outlet there,
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fix up some drywall, yada, yada, yada, right? And I have overthought it a hundred different ways.
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Why? Because I'm procrastinating. Ultimately, it comes down to I'm procrastinating and, and I think
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I have to like plan it out. I have to analyze it. I have to know exactly what I'm doing first and
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yada, yada, yada. So, so here you go. You're getting advice from a guy who has the same problem
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that you have. What I have found that works sometimes if I remember this. So, and this is
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helpful because me telling you this, I'm like, yeah, I need to do the same thing. Act first. So make a
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decision that if you need to work on the car or you need to clean the garage, or you need to do
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this project around the house, or you got to write this, uh, statement of work or there's report or
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whatever, act first before you analyze. So commit to yourself. I have this block on my office desk
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and it has like 10, 15, five and 30 minutes on it. And you turn it on, you flip the block and it,
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and it counts down and I'll have an alarm for 30 minutes. Just commit to that time window.
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So I'm not going to overthink it. I'm just going to act immediately. Not, not even if you know what
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you're doing, just act and say, I'm going to work on it for 30 minutes. And at that point,
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I'm going to pause and then, and pivot. What I found is once I act and then think I'm, I'm on the
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train, right? The train is moving. And by the time I pause and go, Oh, I need to think this, I'm already
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rolling. Right. And I'm feeling good. I'm making progress. And now I'm not going to procrastinate
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or overanalyze. So I would focus on that approach. I do the same approach when I go to the gym.
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I don't know what my workout is until I show up. I always start my workout with a 10 minute bike
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or run. So I, I just get dressed. I go to the gym and I hop on the bike. And while I'm biking,
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I pull up, figure out what my routine is going to be. And then I work out. Otherwise, if I do that at
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home, I'm like, Oh, you know, what should I do? And so I already know what I'm doing before I even
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leave because mostly I'm using an app, but I don't look at that because I'll overthink it.
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You know what I'm saying? So I just get to the gym first, start acting immediate,
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do it in small chunks, then pause. And even like, uh, you give me an example. Some guys,
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uh, in the iron council in the past on previous battle teams, they struggle with like journaling,
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for instance. And sometimes it's because the last time you journaled, you spent two hours journaling.
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And so the next time you go to do it, you're like, screw that. Like that was a mundane process.
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It took too long, blah, blah. So be committed to it. So if, if you're going to work on a project,
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okay, I'm going to work on it exactly in an hour. And then after I'm done the hour, I'm done.
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So then that way, the next time you need to do a task, you don't feel overwhelmed because you
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overdid it last time and destroyed your schedule and, you know, took too much time. So time block it,
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act first, give some analysis second. I think Chris, I think those things will help,
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but like I said, this is coming from someone that kind of has a little bit of the same mentality as
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you. So maybe we should save that question for someone else. All right. Paul, uh, Yivkak,
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Yivkak, how does one find happiness in a career they are miserable in?
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So Paul, I'm going to suggest that the question in itself is very insightful. How does one find
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happiness in a career they are miserable in? I don't think we need a career to be happy.
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So, and I think there's more to it, right? So here's my thoughts. I would focus in areas where
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you can find purpose and fulfillment in life. Find that. And if your job ends up being a means
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to have that fulfillment, so be it, but you're in line with how you are showing up in life and
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everything else. I, and, and I don't know the specifics of your job and all this kind of stuff.
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So, you know, these are all hypotheticals, but I know two men that work for the same exact company.
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One man hates his job is miserable. The company's miserable. They're this, they're that.
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The other guy thinks he has the best job on earth. What's the difference?
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Perspective. Period. One sees it as a means to something greater and he takes advantage of it.
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He finds great joy in hard days, work and accomplishment. The other one just sees everything
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wrong with it. So I would really focus on, make sure that your perspective is accurate,
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right? That you're clear on your perspective in regards to what that job does for you. Make sure
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that you're owning your emotions and your feelings, and then also find a life of purpose and fulfillment.
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You may not find that in your job, but you can find it somewhere else. And if the job is a means to
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allow you to find that fulfillment and purpose somewhere else, then, then that's awesome. And it gave
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you the capabilities of doing that, right? So yeah, focus. And one last thing, focus on how you show up.
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Not the job that you do, not the people you work with, not any of those things, but focus on who you
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are being in that job. There you go. Peter Wesson, what do you think we see, why we see so much
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opposition to masculinity in the modern progressivism? So, and, and, uh, so here's some
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thoughts, obviously thoughts. So one, I think some progressive mentality, progressiveness,
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their mentality is that they don't celebrate differences. And they think that if they think
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being similar in the same is the equivalent of equality. Um, so like in regards to genders,
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we're not the same, men and women are drastically different and it's perfect and it's amazing.
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And we should celebrate those differences, not think that, well, if they're not the same,
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then they're not equal. That's not true. So that's one reason why I think, um, there's a struggle with
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masculinity. The other thing is think about what masculinity virtues are, personal ownership,
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responsibility for one's life, sovereignty, right? I think most progressives lean in the opposite of
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direction of that, right? Like there's a little bit of, and maybe I'm being unfair to progressives,
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but there's a sense of victimhood and woe is me and it's someone else's fault and it's not my
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responsibility. And I think masculinity is the, is the complete opposite and it flips that on its head.
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And so, and, and, and it's hard to be with people. If I'm a victim, it's hard to be with
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people that are taking ownership, right? Because it's in my face. Like if, if, if I don't agree
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with them or if I agree with them, then that means it's my fault. Like, holy crap, right? Like I don't
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want to take that responsibility. It's not my fault. I can't control these outside circumstances that
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affect me. It's not, you know, it's not my fault that I was raised the way I was like, there's so many,
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and maybe this is just a problem with society as, as a general, I think, but victimhood is,
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is everywhere. Think about it. People are upset about politics. They're upset about everything.
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Why? Because they take no ownership of their life and it's someone else being elected. That's going
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to make their life better. Like they honestly believe that they really honestly believe that
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depending on who the president is, their life will be better. And, and maybe there's aspects of that,
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but are you willing to do that? Are you willing to give over that to someone else? Wouldn't you
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rather be in control of that? I would. And I, and I think that's a big difference between
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masculinity and, and a lot of where our culture is today, um, including progressivism. So, um,
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the other thing is, I think we have to have some empathy or understanding that there's safety and
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group think, right? It's like, if we all think this way and, you know, we're all in agreement and,
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and we find like shelter in knowing that other people see it the same way and independent thinkers,
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I think come across as like unpredictable and a little bit of like shaking the status quo.
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And in my, for me, masculinity is part of that. It is part of like, I don't need group think. I don't
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need a bunch of people to agree with me. It's nice for sure. And I want to surround myself around
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key individuals, but in the grand scheme of things, um, I'm going to do what's best for me,
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what's best for my family, my community, and I'm going to take ownership for my life.
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Great Smithers. If you see a friend heading down the wrong path, how do you help guide them back to
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the correct one? So everyone say it together. Example, example, example, right? We have to be a good
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example. I think we're all in agreement that that is kind of the baseline of it. However, I'd like to add
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just like another thought to that, Greg is because here's the deal. We can't be tugboats, right?
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You're not changing someone like everyone listening right now. Everyone pause for a second.
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I don't care if it's your wife, if it's your parents, if it's your friends, if it's anybody,
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Stop trying to change people. It doesn't work. Now, what you can change is you. You can change
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you. You can change your perspective, how you deal with circumstances. You can change your thought
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process, how you react to, you know, those difficult circumstances. That's all within your
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control. Focus on what's in your control. Now, do we want to better and we want to serve other
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individuals without a doubt, but you got to let go of the expectation that they're going
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to change. And it sucks. And I know it sucks. Like I've had people in my life that I, I drifted
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away from, or I see them making other decisions and I, you can't, you can't force their hand.
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All that we can do is be a good example. And, and to that, I would say, what does it mean to
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be a good example? And I keep using this analogy because I need to hear it so much. And my wife
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reminded me that I needed to hear it literally last week. I can be killing it. I can be a disciplined
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father. I can provide structure. I can do all these things. But if I'm doing it from the perspective
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of being a grump, being angry and frustrated, who would want to follow my example?
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So not only do we need to like be on top of our game and we want to be successful and we want to
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accomplish things, but we got to do it in a way that we're pleasant to be around, that we draw people
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in, right? It's the analogy, you know, let your light so shine. So other people see it, right?
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You getting stuff done and accomplishing your day is not a light shining. Your happiness,
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your fulfillment in life, your gratefulness, your love and empathy for others, that shines.
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So get clear on what a good example looks like. And then from a tactical perspective,
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one of the best ways to guide someone is spend time with them, serve them. If there's a book that
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resonates and that is calling their name, buy them a copy and say, hey, dude, thought of you.
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You should read this book. I think you'd really enjoy it. When you're done, let's talk.
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Let them find it for themselves through your example, through your recommendations and through
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your service. And I think at the end, that's pretty much all we can do and just stay on the
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path. So that way, when they're ready for your guidance and direction, you're on the path, ready
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to help them. I don't know if that sounded cheesy. It kind of sounded cheesy. Maybe, maybe a little
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cheesy. All right. Michael Jetter, practical exercises or ways to work on mental strength.
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Um, uh, I'll, I'll use my son. So I had a good, uh, good talk with my son and, um, without giving
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up, you know, too much detail, we're, we're chatting, excuse me, COVID. And he's, uh, 19 and his
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question was, or he's 20 actually, geez, 20. His question was like, Hey dad, like I'm struggling
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with discipline really. In essence, that's kind of what he's saying. Uh, you know, how
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do I, how do I get past this? And my question to him is in what ways are you acts or exercising
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your mental discipline? What things are you doing around delayed gratification? It's, it's,
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it's really interesting. We do all kinds of stuff, right? You want to be great at piano.
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What do you have to do? You got to practice piano. You want to be good at a sport. You got
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to practice the sport. You want to learn something in technology. You study, right? We have all
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these things that require like practice and studying, but when it comes to like mental
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fortitude or even concentration or how to focus, we just all think that like, Oh, you just do
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it. Yeah, no, it requires practice, right? So here's some ideas, Michael. So fasting,
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you force your body not to eat and you decide to go on a 32 hour or 48 hour fast.
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That's a great way to practice some mental fortitude and mental strength, right? To overcome
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your body. So I would fast, not all the time, obviously, but I would fast on a regular basis,
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right? I almost enter sometimes not today, but sometimes I'll intermittent fast until around
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two 30 PM every single day. Other times I've gone fasting for three days just to do it. And it's
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actually, there's some health benefits of your research. I'm not a doctor, blah, blah, blah.
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So look into that. The other thing is working out for some guys. If you're not regularly working out,
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work out on a regular basis. It's not fun. Waking up early. It's not fun all the time. Working out all
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the time. It's not fun. Do that. It's hard. It's difficult. It requires mental strength.
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Um, doing other hard things, things that you, you know, make a list of the things that you feel
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uncomfortable doing and work those into your plan and your schedule. Cold showers, commit, uh, be
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committed to say things that you normally don't say or that you hold back on, right? Um, put yourself
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in new settings, in scenarios where you have to meet new people. Um, just try new things. Like I would
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really focus on how do you create that mental fortitude? What are things that are cut? And most
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of those things are kind of tied to delayed gratification, right? It's like working out
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doesn't feel good until you're done working out. Running a marathon doesn't feel good at all until
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you're done, right? Fasting doesn't really feel that good. Well, actually it starts feeling good
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sometimes, but may not feel good until you eat that meal, right? So look for those things to exercise
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mental strength and fortitude. And I think that's how you build it. So hopefully that's helpful.
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All right. Andrew Ballard steps to take, to protect yourself in a divorce, learning the hard way
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to protect yourself in a divorce. So Andrew, I'm assuming we're talking like
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how to not lose custody of your kids, right? I'm assuming. Um,
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so here's, here's a couple thoughts. So first is, um, fight for your right. Yeah. Oh, she's joking.
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All right. I didn't intentionally say that, but I do love BC boys. So fight for your right to be with
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your kids, fight for your time. Don't bend over backwards. Do not give up anything in regard
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to your opportunity and your time with your children. Don't do it. In fact, I used to always
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joke around that like, that it was frustrating that I paid so much child support to not see my kids
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that I wish I'd, I'd rather pay more and actually get more for my money. Right. So, but don't
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compromise in that area. Your, your, your kids need to be around you as much as humanly possible.
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You need to fight for them. I actually, I don't even know if kids are involved, but if they are,
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you fight for your time with them as much as humanly possible. Second, I think some States
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have, um, I don't know what's called, but it's like divorced parenting classes. Um, find those
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some States actually required as a mandate. So, um, but if they don't find that and hire a counselor
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and convince your wife that it's for your best, for your kids, for you to both go to, uh, the
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ex spouse counts, parent counseling or whatever it's called. And that will be helpful because
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that brings in a third party. That's going to have some opinions about strategies, about what you
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should and should not do as divorced parents, such as never talked bad about the other parent and all
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that kind of stuff. And it's not going to come from you because it's, it's not going to work coming
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from you at this point. Right. So I would look for those classes and, and then I would make sure
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you have this mindset of you are responsible for your relationship with your kids, despite anything
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that your ex is doing, make it your sole responsibility and ownership to ensure that you
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stay and have an amazing relationship with your children. I wish that I could ask my two boys that
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I was amazing and they would say, Oh yeah, dad, you were awesome. You're the best, um, part-time dad
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ever. The reality of it is they wouldn't say that. I don't think, uh, I don't feel that way.
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It's a huge area of my life that I feel like I should have, and could have done so much better
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than I did. Um, learn from my mistake, be very intentional about your relationship with your
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children, even if you have to be structured about it and plan it and all that kind of stuff,
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because it's, it's going to be hard. And there's a really high probability that you're going to run
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some story about how they don't love you. And she tells them toxic things and they,
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they never call or when you do call, they never want to talk. It doesn't matter.
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Structure time, call them anyway, force the conversation, let them know that you're there,
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get creative with ways to connecting with your children. Um, now with that all said,
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those all had to do with parenting and nothing about money. So, um, you know what? I think most
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divorce decrees, um, are pretty standard, right? There's like literally calculators that say,
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she makes this much. I make this much. Here's the difference of our salaries who has such and
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such parent time and you're as a calculator. So, you know, maybe you could fight for that stuff,
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but the way I see it is make sure you're not shirking your responsibility as a father and
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worst case scenario, really, you're going to pay too much child support and it might better the
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environment by which your kids are being raised. So be it. There's worse things in life. You know what I
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mean to have to deal with. And those worst things are not being around your kids as much. So, um,
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I don't have much advice around the money side, just fight for your kids and fight for your time
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with them. Those are the key things I would take away from it. All right. Ryan Lester,
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how do we continue to push for having the hard conversations that affect men in every growing,
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uh, divisive political environment, particularly with family members?
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So how do we push for having the hard conversations in a political,
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diversive environment, particularly family members? So it kind of goes back to what we
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talked about earlier, I think is, um, one, let go of the idea of changing people,
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let go of the idea of making them wrong. I think half the problem, to be honest with you,
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with our political climate is that everyone assumes that the other people are wrong.
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And, and I use this, I quote a lot lately. I don't know why, but critical. Most people are too
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lazy to critically think. So they judge, don't judge, critically think, right? Oh,
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why do they see it this way? Why do they put, what's the political viewpoints? What are they looking
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to resolve in their political viewpoint? Like literally be the person that's not joining the
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conversation to be heard, join the conversation to listen. That's it. And then move on.
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Understand people, be the example, someone that actually listens and understands, doesn't have
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to agree, but listens and understands, be that kind of guy. And then from a tactical perspective,
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I mentioned this earlier too, it's like, you know, if you, if you're trying to like help someone
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see the light, if you want to use that term, we can do that through being an example by serving them.
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And then, you know, and introducing ideas and, or invisivite those family members into your circles
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that are already that way. So they can see a better way of being, if you want to use that term.
00:24:26.220
All right. Hopefully that helps Ryan. All right. Cody, Cody pop and choke how to request a raise
00:24:37.080
and promotion when your employer talks so much on how much they value your work and quantify evidence
00:24:43.380
of importance in the department. Since I've been in that role, how to negotiate your worth. Okay.
00:24:48.440
So first off, I think the best time to negotiate your worth
00:24:52.240
is, well, let me say it this way. The best time to be asking for a raise is not when you're trying
00:25:00.000
to negotiate your worth, right? So, so let me, let me set a plan. If you want to use that term of kind
00:25:07.420
of how I would approach this and, and hopefully this helps. So first I think you need to establish
00:25:15.620
and provide clarity of you as a team member, right? Employers don't want to, and I'm saying
00:25:23.760
this for myself, but I really do feel like this is the case for mostly everybody. I don't want to pay
00:25:28.700
an employee more because he wants more. I want to play an employee more because they're part of the
00:25:35.140
team. They're part of the system. Like they're about something. Like I want to know that they're in it
00:25:42.200
with the team, right? Not that they're just like, it's about the mighty dollar. I really don't. Like
00:25:48.320
in the grand scheme of things, if, if a team member is on board and they're committed to hard work and
00:25:53.160
they have the right values, the, the, the dollar manual is not as important. So make sure that that's
00:25:59.900
clear so much that you're expressing your desire for growth and opportunity and you're enrolling
00:26:05.840
them about what you're about. And so let me explain in role. They are inspired by what you are about.
00:26:15.960
This is my game plan. This is what I want to do. I would love this opportunity to be able to do this,
00:26:21.260
this, and this, and then I could grow in this way. And there's this way I can help the company and
00:26:25.040
like get them enrolled in how you show up as a team member. Then you set expectation
00:26:34.240
on what you are willing to do and the responsibilities you're willing to take on.
00:26:40.120
Then you invite them to align with those expectations, AKA where I'd like to be financially,
00:26:50.160
where I'd like to be on these things. And part of that conversation is for me to be at this level,
00:26:56.820
what would I need to do, right? Financially and like what, what I need to be
00:27:03.940
what would I need to do to get into like this position, this level of responsibility with this
00:27:08.760
type of salary and invite them to commit to that plan. Then you measure your results. Okay. This
00:27:19.740
is the plan. This is how I'm doing, whether it's monthly updates or whatever. I'm progressing in this
00:27:25.140
area. I got these things done. Like you make a plan and you work the plan. You measure those results.
00:27:31.440
You communicate often back to that employer and you constantly perform after action reviews
00:27:37.120
and include them in the after action reviews. This is where I'm at. Got this done, blah, blah, blah.
00:27:42.660
This is lessons learned. I learned this, this, this, these are the areas I need to show up on.
00:27:47.600
This is what I'm going to continue doing moving forward. Bam, update and constantly have a plan
00:27:53.160
for your growth. You do that. Then they're committed to the plan. And the raise is a result of
00:27:59.980
you working your plan. Okay. So quote of the day, plan your work, work your plan and enroll them in
00:28:07.820
the plan. So they're bought in and committed to what you're doing. Okay. All right. Next question.
00:28:15.000
Um, I'm going to skip that one for now. Maybe, maybe I'll come back to the one. All right. John, uh,
00:28:26.040
Gaucho bar, Gaucho bar. Sorry, John. How does a man deal with revenge against someone who has
00:28:33.820
slighted them? The balance between letting it go and not allowing someone to get away with it.
00:28:40.420
I have a trouble with this and wondered what your perspective is regards.
00:28:48.020
John, I don't know if you're a religious guy, but, but I think this principle kind of speaks to
00:28:54.240
itself, even though, uh, whether you are or not. And for you religious guys, maybe try this on a
00:28:59.240
little bit. I don't think John, that when all said and done and you return to your creator,
00:29:07.480
he pats you on the back because John, good job, man. You didn't let that guy get away with it.
00:29:18.660
However, I do think he does say something about you letting it go.
00:29:26.840
Society, our social constructs teach us, don't be a pushover. Don't let people take advantage of you.
00:29:34.460
Don't let him get away with it. Like as though it reflects on you as an individual
00:29:39.580
and you preventing someone from getting away with it. If you don't do that, then you're less of a man.
00:29:45.800
I would argue that you're more of a man for letting it go. Now, are you protecting your family?
00:29:56.260
You're putting yourself in harm's way. And you know, that's different, right? But assuming that
00:30:00.520
something happened, you were slighted and it's over with. Now you're talking about revenge
00:30:07.000
and passing judgment, the judgment on someone else.
00:30:15.260
And I think it shows more of a character for us if we're the strategy of letting it go.
00:30:22.120
Mostly because that might require a little bit more critical thinking,
00:30:26.620
a little bit of grace, a little bit of empathy, maybe understanding that this guy's coming from a
00:30:32.760
position that you don't understand. You know, maybe it was in a hard spot. Maybe there's more
00:30:38.020
of this story than you realize, whatever that is. Now you protect yourself, you establish boundaries.
00:30:44.020
Don't be taken advantage of, right? If it happens, but it's already over.
00:30:50.140
So part of me leans a little bit more in that space of letting it go.
00:30:54.060
And I think that's better for you. That's better for your soul. That's better for your thought
00:30:59.720
process. And in the end, I mean, our ability to give people grace, to believe that people can
00:31:08.540
evolve and grow and change and get back on a path when they've made mistakes is a very powerful way
00:31:15.380
of being. Um, and it, and it gives us that same benefit. There's my perspective. All right. Ben
00:31:23.840
Acosta, what are your thoughts about having a best friend? Not someone to go hunting with or working
00:31:29.660
out with someone specific just to be a friend. Sometimes people want to use hunting and working
00:31:34.460
out as an excuse, maybe have a cup of coffee and et cetera. I think most of us had a friend like that.
00:31:40.300
There is this idea that a guy can't call another buddy and just go out for a coffee and simply
00:31:45.300
say I need to talk. It seems as though some people need to justify this action with some kind of
00:31:50.020
activity or get together. I can tell you, I have, I have a best friend and it's, and it's something
00:31:56.120
I value tremendously. Something I just, I just say, I need to talk. Um, I agree, Ben. I, you know what?
00:32:04.000
And, and I don't, I mean, I think you're right. Maybe I think there's this little like a lone wolf
00:32:09.800
mentality that like, we don't talk about our feelings, you know, very, very typical male
00:32:16.280
mentality. Um, and a lot of it has to do with our ego. I think why our own willingness to actually
00:32:24.160
communicate with someone, but having guys in your life where you can say, Hey, I need to talk.
00:32:28.940
I need to talk with someone. I need some perspective is huge. And I, without a doubt,
00:32:33.920
I think you should be able to have that conversation, um, and have those kinds of
00:32:38.100
people in your life, um, that you can call on for that. So I totally agree, man. And, and that's
00:32:43.580
what I love about, um, the iron council for me. You know how many men I look up to
00:32:50.980
huge amount of men, most of the men that are all battle team, battle team leaders within the iron
00:32:58.360
council. I think there's like 26 of them or something. Most of those guys, I would be more
00:33:04.380
than willing to pick up the phone and go, I need to talk to someone without a doubt. And I know that
00:33:11.660
we're in line, like the feedback, the opinion, the conversation, the ideas I would get are
00:33:18.260
amazing. Um, I felt that way when I was on a battle team, I felt like I could ask my battle team,
00:33:25.280
those kinds of questions. So the importance of being around like-minded men that you respect
00:33:30.340
is so critical because you don't want to be asking anybody that question, right? I need to talk to
00:33:35.860
just anybody you're, you need it. You're going to want to talk to someone that you respect,
00:33:39.700
right? And maybe even someone based upon the thing that you want to talk about,
00:33:43.620
right? Because they have experience in that area or they've struggled in that area with,
00:33:48.240
you know, very similar to what you're struggling with, like whatever that is, right? So yeah,
00:33:53.120
I totally agree. I can't, I can't stress the importance of it. I think Ben, the, the misconception
00:33:58.240
maybe that you have sometimes is that, and even on this podcast, Ryan and I will talk about, it's
00:34:03.880
like, Hey, you know, go shooting with the guys or go to fight night or whatever. A lot of those times
00:34:07.940
we're talking about how to build that tribe, right? How to reach out to new guys, how to get to know new
00:34:12.680
guys or whatever. But I don't think we should be using those as an excuse to kind of try to
00:34:17.360
windle in a conversation, you know, hopefully if it works out, no, like I have multiple guys in my life.
00:34:22.840
I have done this numerous times of, I need to go for a walk, right? I have a neighbor and I just
00:34:28.460
called him up and say, Hey, do you have an hour? And he's like, yep. And we, I picked him up and we
00:34:34.080
went for a walk and we talked, right? And I feel like I could do that with Ryan. I could do that with
00:34:38.560
so many guys, especially the battle team mentors within the iron council, all those guys, I highly
00:34:43.440
respect. So yeah, I think we need to find those guys in our lives. All right. Austin Priest, I'm
00:34:49.340
struggling with the contribution quadrant of the battle planner. What are some examples of quality
00:34:55.260
goals for this? So Austin, let's see here. So guys, I don't know. So if you're like, uh, did that guy
00:35:04.080
just say battle planner? What's that all about? All right. So first sovereignty Ryan's book talks about
00:35:09.780
the battle planner and you can also buy a battle planner from store.orderofman.com. This is kind
00:35:16.120
of a handwritten note for you old guys that don't know how to use a computer. So the battle plan is
00:35:21.820
comprised of four quadrants. One of those quadrants of focus, I'm going to call them quadrants of focus
00:35:26.740
is contribution and, and Austin struggling with like, you know, what should my tactic be or my
00:35:36.300
objective under quadrant or what are some ideas? Right. So, um, and Joshua Hyman actually was like,
00:35:43.820
Hey, I'd love to hear this response as well. So contribution is at the root of the word,
00:35:48.520
right? Which is to give or supply something such as money and time as a part or a share,
00:35:54.220
right? To contribute. So often the default mentality of the contribution quadrant is like
00:36:01.460
contribution, like financially, right? So for me personally, my battle plan has been everything
00:36:07.640
from having an objective to increase savings by 20,000 or to reduce debt, right? Those are kind
00:36:16.380
of the typical contribution or, um, put yourself in a better position to contribute more. The other
00:36:23.480
things I would focus on is service. So here's an idea. Stephen Covey, um, seven habits of highly
00:36:31.000
affected people. Um, if I remember correctly, it's been a long time since I read that book,
00:36:35.520
but he talked about the value of establishing the roles that you play in life, right? So I have the
00:36:41.960
role of father, of husband, of son, of brother, of boss, of employer, um, as church leader, right? I have
00:36:53.740
all these roles I play. And so I think you could have, take those roles that you play in life and focus
00:37:00.780
on how you contribute in those roles. So spend one hour a day or 30 minutes a day, focusing on
00:37:09.920
contributing to those goals, making a phone call to your siblings, calling your parents, calling your
00:37:16.480
friends or whatever, right? Or it could be, I'm going to contribute a tithe or donations or my time
00:37:23.660
to a community service or whatever, like focus on how you are contributing to other individuals
00:37:29.940
such as your family community, um, or, or those that are needy. That's kind of the best. Now you
00:37:37.520
could see where there's some overlap, right? Where you could say, well, Kip, you know, isn't that
00:37:40.760
relationships and connection? And yes, it could kind of be in there too. So it's kind of what your focus
00:37:46.660
is, but really focus on the root word to, to give and supply time and, and or money, right? To a cause
00:37:54.180
for someone else. So focus on how you contribute. Okay. And, and I really think like, if you're
00:38:00.360
volunteering, that is what I would put as contribute, right? If you're coaching or something
00:38:07.160
like that, right? Okay. Uh, lost my plot. Okay. Here we go. Oh, Howard Stevens. Good question,
00:38:18.300
Howard. The role of stoicism in a man's life. This is actually one major area that I contribute to
00:38:30.500
Ryan, the order of man and the iron council. And this podcast is my exposure to stoicism. Um,
00:38:38.480
and what an amazing thing that was absent from my life, uh, before I started listening to this
00:38:49.020
podcast. Um, stoicism is amazing. And so I would highly encourage anybody listening. If you are not
00:38:59.120
researching and studying stoic philosophy, you need to. Um, and I'm going to give you a couple resources
00:39:07.280
for you guys to consider, and then I'll answer, uh, Howard's question here. So, um, so I would
00:39:14.780
suggest Ryan holiday's books. Um, Ryan has interviewed Ryan holiday a few times on the podcast. I'd go to
00:39:21.500
previous episodes, look for those. Um, then I would look for the practicing stoic by Ward Farnsworth.
00:39:31.640
Another book I would read and suggest reading is, uh, I have it right here. Sorry. The guide to the
00:39:41.020
good life by William B. Uh, art Arvine Irving. Super good book. Um, yeah, check those out. Ego is the
00:39:52.200
enemy. Um, or I can't remember all wrong. The daily stoic is another great book. So stoicism is critical.
00:40:00.420
And, and I don't think it's a role of stoicism in man's life. It should be like stoicism is life,
00:40:06.600
right? Stoic philosophies were rooted in the concept. I mean, there were man's first universities
00:40:13.820
were around stoicism and it was around how to live a good life. It wasn't about like how to get a skill
00:40:22.000
and make money. Original universities was how to die. Well, how to live a life worth living.
00:40:32.320
So it's, it should play a huge role in our lives. And as a teaser, cause I'm all like pro stoicism.
00:40:41.440
Let me share some 10 essential principles of the practicing stoic. So focus on what you control.
00:40:51.580
The single most important practice in stoic philosophy is clarifying in the difference
00:40:56.800
between what we can change and what we can't and what we have influence over and what we do not.
00:41:02.500
and then letting that drive our action, right? Taking action based upon that. How many people do
00:41:10.140
we have in our lives that are focused on things outside of their control that they cannot change
00:41:15.240
and it affects them in a negative way. Meanwhile, the things within their control get overlooked.
00:41:21.800
So, so, so, so important, right? Be virtuous, good character, super being, you know, super important
00:41:29.880
for a stoic leading by example, being a, uh, uh, uh, oh my gosh, uh, a lighthouse, not a tugboat.
00:41:40.520
Diminishing your ego, realizing your ego can get in the play, right? Understanding that internal dialogue,
00:41:46.200
right? The idea that you're not entitled to anything, exercising your will, practicing
00:41:54.280
resilience when faced with obstacles and failures and tragedies, right? And then owning your response
00:42:01.120
to all things that ultimately you are in control, how you respond to things. Things may be acted upon
00:42:10.080
you, but you are still in control of how you determine, um, how you react and how it affects
00:42:16.960
you. That is still within your control, right? Man, stoicism. I love it. We could do just a whole
00:42:23.060
ep on stoicism. So yeah, Howard, super important, man. Um, I, I'm glad that you brought it up because
00:42:28.980
I think it's important. All right. Ryan Shaw. Kip, I have recently hit rock bottom with depression
00:42:35.340
and anxiety. What strategies can I use to help pick myself up? So you can understand what happened.
00:42:41.520
I'm having trouble communicating with my ex about our three-year-old daughter and our views of raising
00:42:46.700
her completely opposite. It also appears she is filling my daughter's mind with toxic rubbish and
00:42:54.340
also having trouble seeing my daughter. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I also understand this
00:42:59.760
is very common thing that occurs with ex parents. So rock bottom depression, anxiety strategies that can
00:43:15.780
help me get out of it. Right? So I would focus Ryan on why, when what's the internal dialogue around
00:43:26.740
you being depressed and having anxiety, that's what needs to be dealt with first. Otherwise it's all
00:43:34.300
superficial. Let me see if I can explain. So based upon the circumstance below, I'm unable to see my
00:43:43.340
daughter as much, me and my ex are fighting all the time. Life isn't going the way it should go.
00:43:50.040
Thus I now feel depression. Now that's not true, right? We just talked about some of the stoic
00:43:59.400
philosophies and the reality of it is, is you feel depressed and you're having anxiety because of
00:44:05.760
the meaning that you're making based upon the circumstance. For whatever reason you're internalizing
00:44:12.720
this, right? You've had some expectation that life was supposed to go a certain way. You have
00:44:18.820
expectation on the ex-wife that she should communicate with your daughter this way. You
00:44:22.920
obviously had some expectation that you should see your three-year-old daughter more often than you
00:44:27.100
currently are. You have all this expectation and none of it's being met. And then you're making it
00:44:33.160
wrong. And there's a little bit of internal dialogue around what that means about who you are as a man.
00:44:38.820
I think that there's huge power in you realizing that that's not true, whatever that dialogue is
00:44:48.740
and getting very clear of reality versus your interpretation of reality. The best way I can
00:44:56.560
explain this is like, I've heard it as like rose colored glasses, right? We, we, or sunglasses,
00:45:01.740
we have sunglasses on, right? And everything looks like orange-ish and it looks good. And all of a sudden
00:45:05.560
you take the sunglasses off, you're like, whoa, man, I, I see this drastically different. This
00:45:09.940
is no different. You have some glasses on and those glasses have their own viewpoint of the world.
00:45:15.760
That doesn't mean that's true. So get present to the dialogue and what you're telling yourself,
00:45:22.980
first of all, otherwise you wouldn't feel depressed.
00:45:28.240
Then, and then once you're clear on that, of what that is, and by the way, but I'm going to be
00:45:33.720
really clear that doesn't go away. People think like that goes away. It doesn't go away,
00:45:38.820
but you catch yourself and you're like, Oh, hold on. You know, I'm running my mouth and having some
00:45:45.840
negative internal dialogue about whatever. That's not true. Right. And, and bring yourself present
00:45:51.220
back to reality and realize that life isn't going as you had planned, man. And it sucks, but,
00:45:59.400
but that's how life works, right? Our expectations will constantly be disrupted.
00:46:05.980
Our spouses seldom ever are the people that we wish they would be. Our children often grow to be just
00:46:13.520
generic adults. Our jobs are often mundane and sometimes boring, but it's about who you are being
00:46:24.340
in life. It's about who you show up as that defines you as a man, not your circumstance.
00:46:34.140
And so find purpose and meaning in who you are in spite of your circumstance.
00:46:41.160
That will give you guidance. That will give you the direction necessary. Now I'm not saying you just
00:46:46.060
sit back and go, I'm just going to have a great perspective and not take any action. I'm not saying
00:46:49.800
that. Get clear on that first and then take action and do the necessary things. Do your best
00:46:56.360
and find joy and fulfillment in doing your best, regardless of how these things turned out. Because
00:47:09.740
So deal with the circumstance a different way. Circumstances don't define you,
00:47:16.020
but who you are and who you choose to be in spite of those circumstances. That defines you.
00:47:28.200
All right. Peter Shambrick. Hey there, Mr. Sorenson. I love the work that you and Ryan do. I'm 17. I'm in
00:47:34.220
a small town in the Midwest. There's so much negative and bad things going around this world. It can be
00:47:40.520
overwhelming at times. Today, I just ask, what would you tell your 17-year-old Kip?
00:47:46.020
Especially in a day and age like 2020. I appreciate your time, Mr. Sorenson. Keep up the good work.
00:47:51.680
So first off, I'm probably not the equivalent of a today's 17-year-old. When I was 17,
00:48:00.820
just tell me, Pete, you're in a way better place than probably I was at your age.
00:48:07.660
Um, and I think what I needed to hear wouldn't really be applicable to anything that other people
00:48:14.820
needed to hear. And, and if you don't mind me saying this, and I don't say this from a hottie
00:48:18.780
perspective, and Ryan has said this in the past, and I totally agree with this concept. If you don't
00:48:23.880
mind me just putting this out here, I wouldn't change anything
00:48:29.360
around when I was 17 years old and wish something different. And I really don't. And the reason why,
00:48:39.680
because I love who I am right now. I'm actually really happy with the person I've become.
00:48:48.940
I'm happy with my life. I'm happy with the opportunities that have been placed before me.
00:48:53.980
I'm happy that, that Ryan even trusts me to run my mouth on a podcast on Wednesdays,
00:48:59.460
sometimes when he's not around, like I am really grateful. And, and, and thus I don't regret anything.
00:49:07.080
And so just as a thought, like for a lot of us, that's how we live a life with no regret
00:49:13.540
is by being the best versions of ourselves today. By you being the best version of yourself,
00:49:20.260
you can't help, but be grateful for the tough circumstances of your past. You can't help,
00:49:26.460
but be grateful for the way things were because it made you who you are today.
00:49:31.320
So that is how you ensure that you don't have regret in life.
00:49:35.540
Now with that said, what would I say to my 17 year old sales? Here's some ideas. So first I would
00:49:42.680
say the same thing I just said to the previous question. Circumstances don't define you who you
00:49:48.020
choose to be does despite of those circumstances. The other thought I'd say, stop making things wrong
00:49:54.880
and find opportunity and growth in all things. When something comes, we have a tendency, right?
00:49:59.820
Doesn't meet our expectations. Um, it shouldn't be this way. It's wrong. It should have been this way,
00:50:04.280
whatever. Let go of that and just look at it as an opportunity to grow, to have to learn something
00:50:09.440
else and, and, and live on. Uh, Viktor Frankl, um, prison camp survival, World War II survivor in
00:50:20.580
World War II said, and I can't remember the exact quote. I'm going to butcher it. Dang it is when a man
00:50:26.800
is no longer capable of changing his circumstance, he is forced to change himself. Awesome, right? Let's
00:50:37.280
look for those areas to change ourselves. Uh, other thoughts, I'd say take risk, be unreasonable with
00:50:42.920
yourself a little bit. Don't take it, um, so easy. Um, and then really get present to ownership
00:50:51.660
over your life. And what does it mean to be, to have sovereignty? I would be like, that is so,
00:50:59.660
so important. And that's the opposite of what you're taught. That's the opposite of what society
00:51:05.740
teaches you today. So I could see that being so, so critical ownership. It's no one's fault.
00:51:12.820
It, you are to blame. If you don't like anything about your life, you change it. Don't point the
00:51:18.480
finger. You find the way you grow in spite of your circumstance. You find fulfillment in spite of
00:51:25.820
your circumstance and you change, you change. Don't rely on anyone else for that.
00:51:34.720
All right. Chris Williams, how to let go of politics on the big screen. So our brotherhood
00:51:40.960
can understand it is not an answer and mostly adult finger pointing. So we can better focus on ourselves
00:51:47.580
on what we can control more closely, such as community involvement and relationships,
00:51:52.700
family, friends, your choice of thanking your maker and volunteerism wins my vote.
00:52:00.200
No matter who is elected president. Oh yeah. So yeah, that that's, I, I don't know what the
00:52:06.920
question is, but how to let go of politics on big screen. Chris, I think we, by having this
00:52:11.840
conversation, I think that's how we let go of politics, right? And we help people understand
00:52:17.180
that they need to focus on what's within their control, you know, promoting stoicism,
00:52:24.300
listening to this podcast, sharing this message, reading sovereignty, reading extreme ownership
00:52:29.540
by Jocko, like improving ourselves and owning our circumstances, whether they be at work or
00:52:36.260
at home or any other situation and realize that we are in control in regards to how we react
00:52:43.640
to circumstances and ultimately what we think. And even our happiness, we're in control of that.
00:52:48.520
No one's in control of that, but us. Um, and, and at the root of that is, is our gratitude. Um,
00:52:55.020
a great quote that I was about to read on here that I, I really liked a friend shared on Facebook or on
00:53:00.820
Instagram. And I was like, Oh, that's awesome. So it's no matter who is elected president,
00:53:05.120
don't worry too much. Most of the problems in your life will still be your own fault.
00:53:11.220
And I think that's the truth. And I don't think it's privilege. I don't think it's any of that BS.
00:53:16.340
I think it's actually like how you live life and how you're fulfilled is still up to you.
00:53:21.200
And, and when you have a hard time struggling with that and you're like, no way, Kip,
00:53:24.500
you're wrong, then go ahead and read man's search for meaning. And you tell Viktor Frankl,
00:53:30.200
a prison camp survivor from world war two, if, if, if he was wrong for actually finding
00:53:36.480
fulfillment and direction in his life. And then we can talk.
00:53:44.640
Have a little bit of an opinion today. All right. Uh, what else? Okay. Sorry guys. Let me find one
00:53:51.840
more question. So, um, Cody. All right. Cody pop and choke. You have two questions, Cody.
00:54:00.940
No more, man. One question from now on, or you kicked out of the group.
00:54:05.800
It's joke. All right. How to have the conversation with your retired parents
00:54:10.000
that they are dropping the ball on involvement with their grandchildren and you, my parents are
00:54:14.960
distant, both physically and communication and emotionally. When I try to bring it up and express
00:54:20.500
my concerns, they push back, they get defensive. They avoid the conversation. It's pretty superficial
00:54:25.640
and small talk. I'm just disappointed. I know what it looks like from a grandparents' point of view,
00:54:31.840
blah, blah, blah. And Cody, I'm, I'm, I'm saying this with all due respect. Story, story, story,
00:54:38.500
story. I don't even have to read the rest. Now I did. So I'm, I'm, but it doesn't matter.
00:54:45.100
And that's, that's the point I'm trying to make. You, we are machines regarding creating meaning
00:55:01.580
around everything. We do it all the time, right? Whether it's our expectations, right? Uh, John
00:55:08.860
Gary Bishop talks about this in his book, but it's like, you know, when, when we expected something,
00:55:14.720
it doesn't happen. We get angry. Why? Because it shouldn't have happened. Kip, it shouldn't have
00:55:19.760
happened. It's wrong. It should have done this way. And we are so damn tied to the way it should
00:55:26.520
have been in our mind that we stopped dealing in reality. And we are so holding on to the expectations
00:55:34.100
and the meaning that we put around things that it almost cripples us in regards to action and how
00:55:40.840
to deal with the circumstance. So Cody, I would ask you, what are you going to do? Change your parents?
00:55:54.180
They need to change. And here's the beautiful part.
00:55:58.820
That's by design. Imagine if we could change someone, what would happen?
00:56:04.100
They didn't come to that conclusion on their own.
00:56:10.340
It's going to be short lived. Oh, I'm going to change. Why? Because Cody keeps harassing me
00:56:16.900
because I think I have to be this way for Cody to love me.
00:56:23.080
Really? Is that what we want to do to the people in our lives? Have them be the way we want them to be
00:56:30.540
and then have them do it because in fear that you'll withhold love and affection from them?
00:56:40.700
Because I'll tell you right now, someone criticizing me doesn't feel like I'm being accepted for who I am.
00:56:47.380
People need to come to their own conclusion on their own.
00:56:53.940
Their change has to be their decision for it to be lasting.
00:56:59.400
Otherwise, all it is is manipulation and us kind of quasi yanking people's freedom from them
00:57:06.360
and coercing them into being something that they didn't decide to be on their own.
00:57:14.780
Cody, I would get present on the fact is that you can't change anybody
00:57:20.460
and that there is more power in you having empathy
00:57:34.640
Acceptance versus agreement, I think is different,
00:57:39.800
or at least I'm making that distinction that those are different things.
00:57:46.280
accepting that they're going to do X, Y, D doesn't mean that I have to agree with them doing these things.
00:57:50.840
That's fine, but there's far more power in your empathy and unconditional love
00:58:03.360
and that your quest isn't for them to be different.
00:58:13.580
Maybe it doesn't, but it certainly gets it better in your head.
00:58:17.440
Acceptance is certainly puts you in a position where you can handle it differently.
00:58:26.600
well, the way it should be or the way it's not being
00:58:29.040
and how they're wrong and you're right and all that on the contention around it.
00:58:33.360
And to be honest with you, maybe, I don't know.
00:58:42.200
Maybe they're tired of feeling that you or no one will accept them the way they are
00:58:49.240
and that they're required to change to be appreciated.
00:58:57.080
This is one of those things that we talked about earlier.
00:58:59.240
Like, I really think the conversation is what's in your control.
00:59:04.240
And what we think we can manipulate is not in the category of our control.
00:59:08.120
What's in our control is handling that circumstance the best you know how.
00:59:14.960
That despite them not doing what you feel is what's best for the family,
00:59:19.080
that you are doing what's best for your family.
00:59:24.380
That you're letting them know how much you care and you appreciate them.
00:59:28.660
Without the preconceived or the covert contract that they should also reach out
00:59:35.160
and they should also be doing these things if I do those things.
00:59:40.540
And find joy and fulfillment and purpose in how you show up.
00:59:57.640
And so we make that opportunity possible for them to see for themselves.
01:00:08.300
They have to see what's possible for themselves.
01:00:11.140
And the best way for you to create that is through your example,
01:00:15.260
through your empathy, through your caring, through your affection,
01:00:18.180
and serving them in spite of your disagreement with them.
01:00:28.200
Thank you guys for submitting your questions on the Facebook group.
01:00:42.360
So, and at least some, maybe some internal dialogue for us to consider in our lives.
01:00:47.360
You know, it's cliche-ish at this point that Ryan and I always say this,
01:00:50.900
but like I get so much out of this conversation,
01:00:57.820
And it really centers me in regards to how I should be showing up in life.
01:01:03.440
Um, every question I answered and a response I gave had a sliver of what I need to be doing as well.
01:01:17.380
And it was a little cheesy, but I, I, I thought about it today on earlier today on how grateful I am
01:01:24.880
for this opportunity, um, to be, um, doing the AMAs with Ryan.
01:01:30.040
Um, you know, I, I, I poke fun a little bit and I bitch and moan about how people,
01:01:36.220
you know, run their mouths about how everything's wrong, but they're not doing anything about making
01:01:42.680
Um, and I hold like fully am aware that what I have in my life that gives that to me was made possible
01:01:55.140
through Ryan was made possible through the order man podcast was made possible through the iron
01:02:04.800
Um, and I love this opportunity to do my part in, in the little way that I can, um, to share a message,
01:02:14.480
to share a movement, to share the importance of, of these things, these principles that we hold so
01:02:19.900
dear that we think are at the root of not just better families, but better societies.
01:02:25.240
And, um, and I know that wouldn't be possible if it wasn't for Ryan.
01:02:28.400
So I, I greatly appreciate him, um, allowing me to participate and get on this train.
01:02:36.960
You can also join us and you join this movement.
01:02:40.760
You join the order of man, um, by subscribing to the podcast, by hopping on YouTube, by saving
01:02:48.280
that YouTube link, sending it to someone else, by sharing Instagram feeds, by sharing the message.
01:02:54.540
I don't know about you guys, but if you're listening to this, this is a message that needs
01:03:03.100
Not being a victim, taking responsibility and ownership for our lives.
01:03:07.080
If anything, I don't know about you guys, but if anything is needed in this world, it's
01:03:11.740
that it's people believing in themselves so much that they can take ownership and, and
01:03:21.640
having the group, the, the social group, the construct, the society, the brotherhood around
01:03:27.720
them to support one another, to be able to like the question earlier, to be able to call
01:03:34.060
I need to talk to someone and there's not enough of that.
01:03:39.140
So share this message, subscribe, join us on Facebook, facebook.com slash group slash order
01:03:45.520
man, look in the iron council if you guys are interested, but only if you're interested
01:03:51.040
We don't want you if you're not, and you're not going to last because the iron council is
01:03:59.800
not like society, we don't pander to guys that aren't doing anything that aren't about
01:04:07.480
So if you're ready to get out of the bleachers and actually get on the court and start playing
01:04:14.100
the game, then join us order of man.com slash iron council, follow Mr. Mickler on Instagram
01:04:24.960
You can connect with me on Instagram at Kip Sorensen and support the order, man.
01:04:31.320
That's the highest compliment that we can get from you guys.
01:04:36.940
And until then, take action and become the man that you were meant to be.
01:04:43.540
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
01:04:46.420
You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
01:04:50.400
We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.