Order of Man - Resilience is the Mark of a Man

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly charge

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.420 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.120 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.660 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.

00:00:27.600 I am the host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here today.

00:00:32.780 And if you've been with us, welcome back. Glad you guys are here. The mission of reclaiming and

00:00:37.900 restoring masculinity continues to grow, not only with listeners and you guys and the Iron Council,

00:00:43.020 but I also see a lot of other programs, other platforms, other movements, and I'm glad to see

00:00:50.560 that. I am really glad to see that. It's good to know that the idea of masculinity

00:00:56.260 seems to be improving, at least the perception of it. And I think it will, you know, it comes in

00:01:02.280 ebbs and flows and swings. And I think that there is a big, big calling, even if it's not often talked

00:01:10.140 about for people in society to realize the value that we provide in society and that we are much

00:01:18.920 needed. Obviously we are much needed. You know, if you're listening to this, we are a much needed

00:01:22.780 component of a healthy and thriving and growing society. So my goal, if you're new, is to give

00:01:28.880 you the tools and the information and resources that you need. We have incredible conversations.

00:01:33.160 I've talked with guys like Tim Tebow and Terry Cruz and Tim Kennedy and Jocko Willink and David

00:01:38.560 Goggins and Andy Frisilla and Matthew McConaughey. We've had so many phenomenal men on the podcast

00:01:44.840 podcast and I'm learning. I'm learning just like you guys. I fail every day in so many ways. I am

00:01:51.080 obviously very familiar with all of my failures and shortcomings. I don't want to position myself

00:01:56.080 as somebody who has this all figured out, but somebody who's on the path, just like you.

00:02:00.380 So guys, this is your Friday field notes. I'm going to talk with you a little bit about resilience

00:02:03.520 because this is a mark of a man. It's not the only mark of a man, but your ability to be resilient

00:02:09.260 in the face of challenging and difficult and unfortunate circumstances is really what I

00:02:15.560 believe sets us apart as a sex, as a gender. It's what people, I think primarily women and our

00:02:24.480 children, and maybe even men who are incapable of doing it for themselves are relying on.

00:02:28.900 They're relying on us to be resilient. So I'll talk about that here in a second. Do you want to

00:02:32.460 mention, I talked earlier about our Brotherhood, the Iron Council. We are open for enrollment right now.

00:02:37.740 We do very short open enrollment windows, and this is a brotherhood of over 1,000 like-minded men who

00:02:45.260 are growing, who are holding each other accountable, who are talking. I just heard from one of our teams

00:02:50.080 in the Iron Council. They're getting together this weekend, in fact, in Central Texas for some kayaking

00:02:56.300 and hiking together. We did an Iron Council hunt last week. So I think there was 10 of us there with

00:03:01.860 that. Guys, this is an incredible brotherhood, and we have the tools, the framework, the network,

00:03:06.980 the systems that you need to improve your life. And I don't care where you're at. If you're at the

00:03:12.140 top of your game, we're going to create a new pinnacle for you. If you're at the bottom of your

00:03:16.000 game, we're going to help you lay the foundation and dig your ass out of there. So check it out,

00:03:20.920 orderofman.com slash Iron Council, orderofman.com slash Iron Council. All right, guys, let's talk about

00:03:28.480 resilience. So first and foremost, what is resilience? Well, I think resilience is the

00:03:33.320 ability to drive on towards your objectives, towards your goals, towards your desires,

00:03:38.740 towards your ambitions in the face of unforeseen, unfortunate, and challenging circumstances.

00:03:45.900 And you know as well as I do that every day presents new challenges. Some of them aren't

00:03:53.140 very serious. I actually, so dumb, I took out the side of my truck with a concrete pillar at the

00:04:00.480 gas station the other day. I just was not paying attention, turned a little too sharp

00:04:04.200 and scratched that thing right into my truck. There's an unforeseen event. It's not tragic by

00:04:12.260 any means, but it's unforeseen. It's stupid. It's something I have to deal with now. And it's

00:04:19.800 something that I need to drive on past because I have other things to do throughout the day.

00:04:23.500 Or it could be something as severe as the death of a loved one or the breakdown of a marriage

00:04:30.580 or a potential bankruptcy or a health scare or crisis. And none of these things, and I don't

00:04:38.280 care how difficult or challenging they are for you, none of these things is an excuse to break down.

00:04:45.060 None of these things is an excuse to implode. None of these things are an excuse to fall apart

00:04:53.760 or to engage in self-destructive behavior. And those things are not really meant to do that anyways.

00:05:05.120 I think if anything, when we have these challenging circumstances, it's a test. It's a test. To me,

00:05:13.860 it's our creator's way of forging us in the fire of challenge and adversity. Again, things minor like

00:05:21.300 taking out a concrete pillar at the gas station or the loss of a loved one, more serious, obviously.

00:05:27.760 Those are tests. And on the other side of those tests are new heights, new potential,

00:05:37.220 new incredible opportunities. But if we don't pass the current test, we don't move on.

00:05:42.780 It's like being in fifth grade and you take that end of year test or sixth grade or seventh grade,

00:05:48.560 or maybe your senior year and you take that end of year test. If you don't pass that test,

00:05:53.760 you don't move on. You don't graduate. And I've seen so many men be confronted with challenges and

00:06:00.660 adversity and hardship, and they don't learn the lessons they need to learn. And then they question

00:06:05.400 why they continue to have problems. Why do I continue to have medical problems? Well, maybe because

00:06:11.800 you're not eating right and you're not exercising and you're not getting your, your, your body in

00:06:15.100 shape. Why do I continue to have financial problems? Well, maybe because you make dumb

00:06:19.080 financial decisions. Why do I keep having relationship problems? Why do all my, my relationships

00:06:23.700 break down? Well, maybe because you're not showing up the way you need to be showing up.

00:06:28.220 And that's not meant as a judgment call against you. It's just the objective truth

00:06:34.080 that if there's some challenge in our life that we're presented with over and over and over and

00:06:41.480 over again, well, the only common denominator is us. And we're supposed to graduate past those

00:06:47.140 challenging points. And not only that guys, we need to do this for other people. You know,

00:06:54.520 there are people who are looking to us, spouse, children, business partners, clients, colleagues,

00:07:01.100 coworkers, friends, those who are less fortunate than us. When it hits the fan, they're going to look

00:07:08.040 around and they're going to wonder who they can stand behind. And I hope it's you. You and I have

00:07:15.000 volunteered in many ways for those positions of authority and leadership in families, fatherhood,

00:07:20.760 business, community service, ecclesiastical callings. We have volunteered. We have raised

00:07:28.140 our hand and said, Hey, I will lead. And in times of challenge and strife and turmoil and struggle,

00:07:33.980 you can follow me. You can stand behind me. You can rely on me, but people are going to watch your

00:07:41.620 behavior. And if they see a behavior pattern that proves that you're not worth standing behind,

00:07:47.520 they're gone. Maybe not the first time, maybe not the second, but eventually that relationship is

00:07:53.900 going to break down and they're no longer going to stand behind you because it's not safe for them

00:07:58.000 to do so. There's one quote that I really like. It's, it's by David Gilmore in his book,

00:08:03.700 manhood in the making. The quote is this, the real man gains renown by standing between his family and

00:08:09.700 destruction, absorbing the blows of fate with equanimity. Let me say that again. The real man

00:08:15.320 gains renown by standing between his family and destruction, absorbing the blows of fate with

00:08:21.720 equanimity. Does that describe you? I have to ask, does it describe me? I like to think so, but I,

00:08:29.680 if I'm being honest, not always because I'm not exercising the amount of resilience that I am capable

00:08:38.300 of. So when it says the real man gains renown by standing between his family and destruction,

00:08:43.620 there is destruction looming at every corner. There's financial calamity. There's potential

00:08:50.060 violence. There's political fallout and activism. I've seen that over the past several years.

00:08:57.140 People in governments and institutions wanting to infringe on rights, evil people, evil agendas,

00:09:03.740 permeating, permeating every fabric of society. Destruction is knocking on the door and it's our

00:09:11.660 job as men to stand between our family. And I would also add our friends, our loved ones,

00:09:18.280 and those who cannot do it for themselves. It's our responsibility to stand between them and

00:09:24.440 destruction, absorbing those blows of fate with equanimity. What is equanimity? With control,

00:09:31.740 with clarity, with consistency. Can we, can we do that? And if we can't, then we have room for

00:09:40.300 improvement as do we all. Even the most resilient men can even, can be even more resilient. It's not

00:09:45.580 like you hit the full on the gas tank and that's it. It's a never ending search for becoming more and

00:09:50.620 more resilient. So, so let's talk about this. Number one, I think it's very important, especially in a

00:09:56.700 culture and society that does not acknowledge this, that you and I as men accept our role and

00:10:01.820 calling as men. And we do have a role and we do have a calling and it's to protect, to provide and

00:10:09.820 to preside. So what is the role? Protector, provider, and leader. That is our role. It's the role within

00:10:15.820 the walls of our home. It's the role within our communities. It's the role in our business. It is

00:10:20.560 your role. It's the role in your congregation at church. That's your job. And culture today will

00:10:27.060 say, no, that's not your job. It can be if you want, but anybody can really do that. And people

00:10:32.920 don't really need that protection. And that's what culture will say. And masculinity is a social

00:10:38.520 construct. That's the nonsense that culture will spew forth. But the reality is not that because when

00:10:47.740 things go south, who do people look to? The protector, the one who's providing, and the one

00:10:55.980 who is leading, you. Now, every once in a while, we'll see. And I think there was a standup performance.

00:11:04.040 It might've been Chris Rock. And he was, don't correct me if I'm wrong, because I might be,

00:11:09.300 so don't quote me on that. But I think it was Chris Rock. And he said, men are only valuable in so much

00:11:15.380 as what they offer. And everybody got a kick out of that and shared it and mocked it a little bit in

00:11:23.060 a way. But I think that's actually true. People are actually downplaying that concept. Now, do we have

00:11:32.280 inherent worth as human souls? Yes, of course. In God's eyes, we have worth. I'm not talking about

00:11:37.900 that. But I'm talking about our value to our family is only as valuable as what we offer.

00:11:43.060 You know, we hear a lot about hypergamy and this men's movement and conversations.

00:11:50.200 That women will marry and be with men that add value to their lives. And we're supposed to think

00:11:55.780 that that's a negative. I don't think it is. I think it's just the reality. It's the same way I,

00:12:00.340 in a relationship, I'm going to form relationships with people who add value to my life. Not exclusively,

00:12:05.060 I'm trying to add value to theirs as well, but that's not bad. That's not wrong. I understand that.

00:12:10.760 And a woman who is looking for a protector, provider, and presider as a natural order of

00:12:17.320 things. I'm okay with that because I want a woman who can provide the things that I can't.

00:12:25.480 Nurturing, support, edification, companionship. That's the trade-off. It's not wrong.

00:12:33.820 I think it should be fostered. So yes, men are as valuable as what they offer to their family or

00:12:41.320 what they offer to their community or what they offer to their business. And if you accept that

00:12:45.440 reality instead of fight so hard against it, like so many people will, then you realize it's also your

00:12:50.940 job to be resilient. It's also your job to be that man who stands between his family and destruction.

00:12:57.260 It's your job that when things go south and when things go wrong and everything's falling apart

00:13:02.660 around you, that you stand up and you are the man of action, that you are the man who does something

00:13:07.900 about it, that you're the man who comes up with a solution. And that's going to make you desirable.

00:13:12.860 That's not why we do it, but it will make us desirable to people. But I'm so tired of hearing

00:13:19.200 from people who reject this idea of traditional gender roles, for example. Why do you think those

00:13:26.440 roles are in place? Why do you think they're even called traditional gender roles? Because they

00:13:32.980 work. They've worked for thousands and thousands of years. And it isn't only until the ease of

00:13:38.580 modernity have we even been able to call that into question. But when things slip back and there's a

00:13:43.960 violent encounter or there's a natural disaster, think about the natural disasters. Think about the

00:13:48.560 hurricanes we see in the South. You see lines, thousands, thousands of trucks with boats and men.

00:13:55.220 You see women there? No, you don't. You see men who are capable and strong, bold and courageous.

00:14:05.640 That's who you see there. And that's who you should see there. All right. Number two,

00:14:10.380 we need to realize that people are watching us. And I think this ties nicely into accepting our role as

00:14:15.780 point number one, but people are watching. When I swiped the side of my truck yesterday with that

00:14:21.920 concrete pole, as ridiculous as it was, my son was in the passenger seat. And initially I wanted to

00:14:30.540 lose my crap because I was frustrated, right? Now I know I've got all this damage. I've got to deal

00:14:38.160 with that. I've got to take it to the car dealership and the body work and the cost associated

00:14:43.500 with the headache of dealing with the insurance. And my first gut reaction was to scream and throw a

00:14:49.740 little temper tantrum. People are watching. My 14-year-old son is watching me and wondering,

00:14:56.440 okay, how's dad going to handle this? And he's watching for a couple of reasons. He's watching

00:15:01.460 as an example. Sure. When this happens to him and it will, how should he respond? Well,

00:15:08.240 the way I'd respond is largely responsible for the way that he will eventually respond in those

00:15:13.740 situations. But he's also watching because he needs to be able to trust me. That's why people watch

00:15:21.860 you. That's why your wife is watching to see how you engage in certain conversations because she

00:15:27.280 needs to know that she can trust you when things go south. That's why a potential client is observing

00:15:33.320 your behavior. They're looking at your demeanor, the way you carry yourself. They're looking at the

00:15:38.440 clothes you wear, the car you drive. They're looking at the language that you use because

00:15:43.700 they're trying to figure you out. Is this a man that's resilient? Is this a man I can trust? Is

00:15:50.300 this a man that I can put my faith in? And all of these little moments that we have are opportunities

00:15:56.320 to prove. And it is an opportunity. I mean, some of it's kind of a shitty opportunity, but it really

00:16:02.000 is an opportunity to prove even in the slightest to somebody that you have what it takes. And that's

00:16:08.160 a question that all men are asking as recognized, acknowledged by John Eldridge, Eldridge, excuse

00:16:14.360 me, in his book, Wild at Heart. Do I have what it takes? And guess what? If you're asking that

00:16:21.420 question about yourself, other people are asking that question about you as well. Does dad have what

00:16:26.240 it takes? And if he does, I can put my faith in him. Does my financial advisor have what it takes?

00:16:33.620 Does my husband have what it takes? Does my pastor have what it takes? I don't think anybody expects

00:16:43.240 that our leaders, the people that we decide to follow, we're going to have a perfect,

00:16:47.180 beautiful life. But I think we do expect the people we're leading to be able to navigate those storms

00:16:53.420 effectively and efficiently. And if they can't, then that diminishes our trust in them.

00:16:59.280 So realize and recognize that people are watching you. Number one, so they can determine their own

00:17:05.560 behavior. And number two, so they can decide whether or not they should follow you.

00:17:11.080 All right. Number three, one of the things that I've been very aware of lately is when I feel myself

00:17:21.580 getting upset with life events, like, I don't know, as an example, running your car into a concrete pole

00:17:29.960 at the gas station, that there's two ways that I can address that situation. I can react to it

00:17:38.460 or I can respond to it. And I think there is a significant difference between reacting and responding.

00:17:44.180 Reaction is immediate. It's our, it's our lizard brain. If you will, it's our undeveloped side of

00:17:52.220 the brain that says react survival, keep yourself alive, get your emotions involved and make everything

00:17:59.580 bigger than it needs to be self-preservation. And so we end up losing our cool. We react emotionally.

00:18:06.920 We don't think, we don't pause, we don't reflect, we don't strategize. We just react.

00:18:14.960 Maybe we yell, maybe we get upset. Maybe we pass blame onto somebody else. Maybe we compound the

00:18:19.540 problem by doing something dumb in addition to what you already did that was dumb.

00:18:23.980 And alternatively, we can respond because life is going to happen and you got to do something about

00:18:28.560 it. You're going to get in a car accident. You're going to have a disagreement with your wife.

00:18:33.180 You're going to have a financial hardship. You're going to have a medical scare.

00:18:36.520 And people, again, are looking to you. So you have to do something about it.

00:18:40.720 But what we're going to do, resilient men, is they respond. They respond.

00:18:47.940 They don't react to the way it happened. They respond to it maturely, appropriately,

00:18:54.360 with clarity, with conviction, with vision, with capability, with logic and reason, sound judgment.

00:19:02.860 And the best way that we can do that is by creating some margin between what happened and what we're

00:19:09.780 going to do about it. Now, we can't just kick it down the road forever because that's not the mark

00:19:14.080 of a man, passivity or procrastination. But we might need to put a pause on it so that we can

00:19:21.900 get past our initial reaction and move into response mode.

00:19:26.420 And we do that by creating margin. So don't ever react initially when you feel yourself getting

00:19:32.320 upset. Remove yourself from the environment to the degree that you can and come back to the

00:19:37.880 environment with a level head. Knowing the difference between reaction and responding is

00:19:44.480 going to help you become more resilient. Because if all you do is react, then everything is doom and

00:19:48.760 gloom. Everything, even little minor things like scratches on your car become a bigger deal than

00:19:54.840 they're meant to be. And then people are watching and people lose trust in you. And then again,

00:20:01.340 you're not as valuable as you otherwise could be. See how this all connects? So we got to react,

00:20:05.740 or excuse me, we have to respond versus react. And we do that by creating margin in our lives

00:20:10.760 between difficult and challenging circumstances and then our response to it.

00:20:16.840 Guys, the last point I'll share with you today, and this is very, very important, and I don't think

00:20:20.220 this is new information, but hopefully this gives you some sort of framework to be able to operate by

00:20:24.600 is that we need to acknowledge and recognize that struggle is subjective. This is why I don't play the

00:20:29.800 struggle comparison game. I don't think my struggles are any more difficult than anybody else's. And I'm

00:20:37.400 not here to compare struggles to you. What you're struggling with is a struggle. And I have no right

00:20:45.400 to tell you that it shouldn't be. And what I'm struggling with may not be a struggle to you.

00:20:52.920 And you have no right to tell me that what I'm dealing with isn't as hard as you, as I might

00:20:58.940 think it is. We have to be aware of this struggle is all subjective. What I see another man go through

00:21:05.480 might not be something that I think is very difficult or what I might see somebody else go

00:21:10.700 through. I might think that I'm not capable of handling that. It's all subjective. But if we're

00:21:15.560 looking at external events for other people and we're judging as whether or not that's difficult

00:21:20.120 or challenging, we're looking at it through our own lens. But also, if we're doing that to other

00:21:24.320 people, we can do that to ourselves. If other people's struggles are subjective relative to ours,

00:21:31.480 then our own struggles are relative to our degree of mental and physical fortitude and resilience.

00:21:38.660 And if that's the case, then that means that we can become more resilient.

00:21:44.940 What may have bothered us last year with some work may not actually impact us all that much

00:21:52.380 this year because we're stronger and we're tougher and we're more resilient. So what do we do?

00:21:58.520 It's like going to the thermostat in your house. And sometimes life gets a little too hot.

00:22:10.240 We're confronted with something that we don't think we're capable of dealing with. It gets a

00:22:14.120 little hot, it gets a little uncomfortable, start to sweat, gets a little stuffy. You can't really

00:22:19.260 deal with it. Well, I think what you can do is you can learn to operate in these difficult and

00:22:25.900 challenging circumstances by manufacturing them yourself. You walking over to the thermostat

00:22:31.120 in your house and turning up the heat on purpose. We live such lives of ease and comfort that the

00:22:40.360 slightest discomforts, losing internet, for example, or being a little too warm or cold in our house,

00:22:49.040 or somebody cutting us off on the road, or having a minor setback, maybe somebody being late for an

00:22:58.040 appointment. Those are things that people get completely derailed by, but you don't have to.

00:23:06.260 If you go out and you put yourself in uncomfortable situations, difficult, challenging, mentally,

00:23:11.760 emotionally, physically, spiritually situations, and you manufacture the hardship,

00:23:15.620 we have such easy lives that we don't have to really deal with anything that difficult

00:23:20.300 relative to what we could. It's the concept of the gym. It's funny. We actually go to the gym.

00:23:29.740 At least we should be. This climate-controlled environment with perfectly symmetrical and

00:23:34.980 balanced weights, and we push them around, and they have machines with precision cables and

00:23:40.400 specifications just so we can move objects. You think our ancestors had to do that? No,

00:23:47.960 because they were out hunting lions and building caves. I'm not saying I want to go back to that

00:23:55.780 by any means. I don't, but they didn't have to manufacture it because life was different,

00:24:00.580 but we're in a different time where we actually do have to manufacture it. So, you do need to go to

00:24:04.500 the gym, and you do need to go to jiu-jitsu, and you do need to sign up for public speaking events,

00:24:11.200 and you do need to say yes to opportunities and experiences and maybe even things that scare you.

00:24:16.600 One of the things I might be doing this later this year is I'm terrified of the open water.

00:24:21.560 I don't like the open water, and I don't like the open water because I don't like sharks

00:24:25.580 and big, dark objects in environments that I can't breathe and move in. So, therefore,

00:24:31.060 the ocean isn't my friend, but I might have the opportunity later this year to go to Africa

00:24:37.980 and get in a cage in the middle of the ocean and swim with sharks, and I'm going to do it

00:24:44.220 because I don't want to do it. That's why I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it because I don't

00:24:49.900 want to do it, and then that resets the thermostat. Hey, if I swam with sharks today,

00:24:56.420 I can certainly get over that call I had with a customer who was mad at me.

00:25:03.340 I can certainly deal with the guy who cut me off on the road, and I got angry about that.

00:25:09.280 I can certainly deal with that if I swam with sharks today.

00:25:13.860 I can certainly deal with that if at jiu-jitsu, I survived somebody trying to choke me out. I was

00:25:20.040 training with somebody who was new, and he got on top of me, and he laid there and kind of

00:25:26.360 pinned me down to the mat and tried to smother me. Two years ago, I would have tapped to that.

00:25:34.240 The other night, I laid there and thought about what I needed to do to get out from underneath

00:25:39.740 this person and executed the sequence of moves and got myself out and breathed through it,

00:25:46.540 and it was fine because I've been in that situation before, and that's where we need to

00:25:53.600 test ourselves in training. The last place that we want to test ourselves in is in real world

00:25:58.800 circumstances and situations. We test ourselves in training so that when the real world hits us,

00:26:04.440 we can deal with it. Guys, this is the mark of resilience, and it's the mark of a man.

00:26:09.200 All of us want to be resilient. We want to. We inherently want to. We inherently are in many ways,

00:26:14.720 and in other ways, we fall short. I'm challenging you to become more resilient. I'm challenging you to

00:26:20.000 become the man who stands between his family and destruction, absorbing the blows of fate

00:26:23.700 with equanimity. I'm challenging you to be that kind of man, just like I'm trying and challenging

00:26:29.140 myself to be that kind of man as well. I'm not telling you things that I think you should do

00:26:34.620 that I'm not willing to do myself or even see myself with room for improvement, but we can all

00:26:40.900 be better in this department, and we all should. People are relying on us. We owe it to them. We owe it to

00:26:45.920 ourselves. We owe it to our creator, and it's important that we make ourselves more resilient.

00:26:50.200 All right, guys. I hope that helps. Let me know if it does. Let me know if you have other thoughts

00:26:53.560 or ideas or concepts or things that you want to share. We're a community. We want to help each

00:26:57.360 other out, and also, speaking of community, we have our exclusive brotherhood, the Iron Council,

00:27:02.660 where we are pushing ourselves, and we're pushing each other to be tougher, more mentally tough,

00:27:08.280 more resilient, and better, stronger, more capable men. Check it out at orderofman.com

00:27:14.200 slash ironcouncil. All right, guys. We'll be back tomorrow. Until then, go out there,

00:27:18.700 take action, become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man

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Order of Man - March 24, 2023

Resilience is the Mark of a Man ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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