Respect Earned vs. Respect Given, Getting Over Failure, & Choosing Your Influence ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 1 minute
Words per Minute
181.53183
Summary
In this episode, we discuss how to deal with the messes you've made in your life and how to overcome them. We also answer a question from a listener and answer another from a FB group!
Transcript
00:00:00.000
When I look at life right now, I'm like, holy shit.
00:00:17.560
There are people willing to die and have what I have.
00:00:34.440
Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
00:00:37.380
When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
00:00:41.820
You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
00:00:49.280
This is who you will become at the end of the day.
00:00:52.360
And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
00:01:00.120
I get to have a conversation with you like this two days in a row.
00:01:06.780
And it means also that I have a pretty open schedule.
00:01:09.660
Because usually, you know, there's no way it's like, hey, can you record tomorrow?
00:01:14.680
So, yeah, your schedule, I'm always, I don't know if I'm impressed and envious or feel really
00:01:20.780
sorry for you, but your schedule is always like, can't, got this, can't, got this.
00:01:24.860
And I know you manage your schedule well, but I'm like, oof, that would be rough.
00:01:32.760
Like, you get, you open up your calendar, people can book time with you, and if you're
00:01:38.860
not managing it carefully, it's their time, and you're just executing, which sucks too,
00:01:48.540
But it is what it is, and I'm glad we have this conversation.
00:01:51.000
So we're doing an Ask Me Anything today, so let's just jump right into the questions.
00:01:55.500
There was a question we missed from last week, and it was in the Facebook group, and I wanted
00:01:59.140
to address it because it was a really good question.
00:02:00.980
And I can't remember exactly what it said, but the gentleman was talking about, or maybe
00:02:09.980
In the meantime, I'll answer another question while you're doing that, and I'm going to
00:02:20.360
I should have told you so you were aware of it, but.
00:02:26.860
Now, I didn't say I was going to address these on the podcast, so I'm not going to say names,
00:02:35.280
I'm seven months sober, finally, 47 years old, struggling lately with how much I've screwed
00:02:43.500
And I can definitely, definitely relate with this question because of some decisions that
00:02:52.520
And it's hard when you feel like you've messed up.
00:02:56.380
You know, there's a lot of guilt and shame and remorse that comes with it.
00:03:00.520
And also, you have to live with the consequences of your decisions.
00:03:04.900
The consequences are acute, and you deal with them, and you're done.
00:03:08.500
And others could potentially be long-lasting, maybe even for life, depending on the situation.
00:03:14.000
And I don't know your situation, but what I would say to you as far as struggling with
00:03:20.300
the mess-ups that you've made, and we talk about this quite often, is number one, acknowledging
00:03:26.260
the truth behind it, that you have indeed messed up.
00:03:29.540
And then getting very familiar with what ways you've messed up.
00:03:44.080
And that's going to be hard because it's painful when you do that, because now you're opening
00:03:48.660
old wounds and remembering some of the missteps that you've made.
00:03:52.460
I would say number two is apologize where you can.
00:04:03.640
I know there's a lot of people out there who feel really sorrowful about things they may
00:04:07.920
have done to other people, and they profusely apologize forever, like all the time.
00:04:18.020
Your apology is not contingent on their response or acceptance of the apology.
00:04:24.200
Just say what you need to say, and do it right.
00:04:26.360
Even if it's a letter, that might actually be a good exercise, too, is just writing a
00:04:31.040
If you can't apologize to somebody, maybe they're no longer in your life, or they passed
00:04:44.140
Here's how I'm changing my life moving forward, and whatever you need to say.
00:04:50.860
I actually had a really good call with somebody yesterday that I owed an apology to from two
00:04:59.360
And it had been weighing on my mind, and so I made the call and offered the apology, and
00:05:08.900
And the other person said, I need a minute to process that.
00:05:15.480
So we're going to talk in the next day or two, but they were open and receptive to
00:05:21.660
But even if they weren't, it felt really, really good for me to say it.
00:05:26.500
And then the best apology we often hear, well, the last thing I was going to say is the best
00:05:32.880
So now you're acutely aware of the problems and what you did.
00:05:36.320
You've made amends where you can, and now you change your behavior, and you look at the
00:05:41.840
situation with some level of gratitude, knowing that it stirred a change of heart and a change
00:05:51.720
And when you show up in a more powerful way for your family or your kids or at work or
00:05:55.940
in the community, you can be grateful knowing that you would not have done that without the
00:06:02.740
And in some way you can find some parcel of gratitude for a bad situation.
00:06:14.520
You know, I feel it's critical for us to, for me, to go into those apologize, those apologies
00:06:24.080
with the expectation that they may not receive it.
00:06:27.360
And, and I think we get hung up a lot where we're like, oh, I need to clean this up.
00:06:33.040
And the translation of that is I'm going to resolve it for us.
00:06:37.140
No, you're resolving it for you and what's within your realm of control.
00:06:43.100
And, and, uh, maybe this is me just being overly negative.
00:06:53.960
And then that way I don't have expectation that they're going to forgive me, that they're
00:06:57.980
going, you know, that we're all going to be solid.
00:07:00.140
That's not what the intent is and really let go of that expectation.
00:07:04.440
So then that way it's pure, it's, it's, it's rooted in what you can control and you cleaning
00:07:10.640
up why for you and your integrity and for them, but it's not, but it's not based upon
00:07:21.220
And, and I would say it's for other people too.
00:07:24.320
A lot of the times when you hear about this apology advice and we've even said it, like
00:07:29.720
It's, but also you slighted somebody, you hurt somebody, you made a bad decision and it may
00:07:35.880
not make things better, but I could tell in this person's voice yesterday when I was offering
00:07:41.280
this apology that what, what I did impacted them negatively and me apologizing helped them
00:07:52.700
in a small, I could, I could sense it in their voice helps in a small way.
00:07:56.380
And I didn't do it for that, but people deserve that.
00:07:59.980
I think, especially if they were close and in your life.
00:08:02.880
And it's your way of serving them, you know, and making amends.
00:08:06.340
What question on Facebook, what would, what did it have to do?
00:08:09.420
There was one about respect, about offering respect or receiving respect.
00:08:16.360
It probably was the last one or I can't remember.
00:08:26.540
So this gentleman was asking about respect being earned or versus given.
00:08:31.880
And I think if I remember correctly, he had seen a lot of advice out there that says respect
00:08:45.760
And I tend to agree with him that yes, respect ought to be earned, but I think as decent
00:08:52.200
human beings, there's a baseline level of respect that we can just give to every single
00:08:57.240
person because they're a human being and they're worthy of some baseline level of respect.
00:09:01.520
So for example, you know, sometimes I swear, but if I'm at a football game and I'm getting
00:09:09.240
passionate, I really try to refrain from using foul language because there's kids and there's
00:09:14.440
families around now, do I have to know, I suppose I don't have to, but those people, even though
00:09:20.980
I don't know them at all, and they might even be horrible people, I'm just going to go ahead
00:09:26.520
and assume that they deserve a baseline level of respect because they're existing and I'm
00:09:32.940
If, if Kip, you and I are strangers and we meet at a business function, of course, I'm going
00:09:39.520
to give you a baseline level of respect until you prove to me otherwise. Now I'm not going to trust
00:09:45.080
you. I'm not going to say, Hey, will you babysit my kids this weekend? But I might say, Hey, you
00:09:51.560
know what? We're pretty aligned in our business. Um, I respect what you've said. I respect how you
00:09:56.300
show up. I respect the information you've given me. Can, can we go to lunch and maybe talk more
00:09:59.720
about this? I can give you and afford you that level of respect. Now, if you don't show up to my,
00:10:05.060
till the lunch meeting, okay, you diminish the baseline level of respect that I afforded you.
00:10:10.620
So it still is a choice, but above and beyond that, yes, respect has to be earned. And I think
00:10:15.540
that's the balance baseline level versus above and beyond. Well, and I, I like to approach this
00:10:20.840
from the perspective of what's effective, you know, and a lot of us, we were in a position of
00:10:30.020
influence. So are you going to give people respect or no respect? Well, if you give them no respect,
00:10:36.620
how's, how does that affect your ability to influence them? It diminishes it. Is that what
00:10:42.020
you want? Is that what you don't want? Right? Like I don't think it's an answer of black and white,
00:10:47.120
right? Uh, do you feel earn it or not? Do you want to influence them? Because I know for sure that if
00:10:53.760
some stranger doesn't show me a level of respect, they're inviting something else from me,
00:10:59.740
not mutual respect. They're inviting me to be an asshole if they're going to be an asshole to me.
00:11:05.480
Right? So like, just look at it and is it serving you or not? And, and I think, and I'm not putting
00:11:13.320
this guy in blast, but like often when I hear this is like, well, you know, I'm not a very trust,
00:11:17.360
people have got to earn my trust first. Okay. Who's that about? Oh, it's about your ego.
00:11:22.780
Got it. Right. It's about you stroking your ego, not about like the effectiveness of the
00:11:29.100
relationship and your ability to influence people. That's a different conversation than
00:11:32.940
you got to earn my respect or you got to earn my trust. Understand the human condition a little bit.
00:11:39.960
Well, and when people say that, like they have to earn my respect, it's like, well,
00:11:42.700
what are you asking them to do? Totally. They don't know. Are you asking them to perform brain
00:11:47.940
surgery this afternoon on you? And in that case I'd say, yeah, the doctor needs to earn my
00:11:52.760
respect, but it's like, what in the world are you? I'm just talking to you. Like there's no
00:11:58.540
expectations that I'm asking about your day or your work or whatever. Like I, you don't need to
00:12:04.060
earn that from me. I'll just give that to you because you're a human being. Yeah. Just to
00:12:08.200
understand how people will react to. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you brought up a good point about influence.
00:12:13.620
You said, do you want to be influential? And this is an exercise I've talked about with my kids,
00:12:17.320
but I also talk about it when we do events. I asked this question, do you get to decide if you
00:12:23.600
influence people in your life? And there's a large majority of people who will raise their hands and
00:12:29.560
say, yes, I get to decide. And that's wrong. You actually don't get to decide if you're influential
00:12:35.600
in people's life. The only thing you get to decide is how you're influential. Yeah. So if,
00:12:41.880
if you and I meet for the first time and I'm a total dick to you, oh, I'm definitely influencing
00:12:48.420
you, but not in a way that's going to be beneficial or advantageous to me or you. Yeah. If I, if my
00:12:55.740
kids see me doing crazy things, flying off the rails at sports games or in public or letting go of
00:13:01.840
myself, I'm definitely influencing them, not in a very positive and constructive way. So if you're going
00:13:08.660
to be influential with everybody you come in contact with, like I was at the gym this morning,
00:13:12.720
I was walking out and this lady, she was walking out in front of me and she held the door and I said,
00:13:17.780
thank you. And then there was another door and she held it. And then there's a third door to get out.
00:13:21.280
And she held that. I'm like, thanks. Three door three. You held the door for three, three times for
00:13:25.760
me today. Or I said something and she laughed. That was just a minor little, and you know what?
00:13:31.800
She's going to think better of me at the gym next time. And I think better of her for, for what?
00:13:37.540
For holding the door for me and just, but you are influential and that's what you need to realize.
00:13:42.160
You're always influential and somebody always sees what you're doing. Yeah. I love it. Okay. Um,
00:13:48.960
Gavin Masurly, my 13 year old boy seems to be dealing with some insecurity with his body and weight.
00:13:55.480
Someone told him he's pudgy. So now he's not eating at school and he's wearing hoodies when it's 75
00:14:02.060
degrees outside. I'm doing my best to lead by example, letting him see me work out. What are
00:14:07.120
some other ways to help combat this? He's built like a tank, but genuinely not pudgy.
00:14:14.600
Yeah, this is hard. I actually went through this with my son Brecken and when he was probably about
00:14:21.320
that age, 12, 13, he, he was getting a little pudgy. And I don't remember if somebody said
00:14:27.360
that to him, uh, or if he just recognized it himself, but he did the exact same thing. And
00:14:33.660
I can go through a timeline of pictures and see how skinny he got. Dude is he, it was like a
00:14:40.480
transformational thing. Right. Like I remember one year I saw him the next year. I was like,
00:14:46.800
what the crap. Right. Like just crazy change. It was nuts. Yeah. And it wasn't totally healthy
00:14:53.460
the way that he did it. You know, he, and, and I didn't need to push him. His mom didn't need to
00:14:58.380
push him. It was on him. I mean, part of it is your son's going to go through puberty, Gavin. Like
00:15:02.840
if he's not already, he's prepubescent right now, he's going to get through puberty. He's going to lose
00:15:08.020
some of that baby fat. Um, he's going to get tall and stretch out like that's going to happen.
00:15:14.380
But I would talk to him about how he feels about himself. Are you doing this for the approval of
00:15:21.640
other people? Or are you doing this because you don't feel comfortable with how you look and you'd
00:15:26.620
like to be healthier? Yeah. And that was the decision I think Brecken made is it wasn't about
00:15:32.060
what other people thought. It was an internal decision that he wanted to feel good about himself.
00:15:36.640
Yeah. And he did take it to the extreme. And, and it sounds like Gavin, your son is doing that as
00:15:42.880
well. So that's hard. But when you're making new behavioral changes, we tend to take them to the
00:15:50.860
extreme because we don't know how to balance it correctly. So I'm not going to say that he shouldn't
00:15:57.720
do that or he should do that. But what I would encourage him to do is to do it in a very healthy
00:16:03.540
way because getting lean and getting strong and getting fit. That's not a bad thing at all. That's
00:16:09.400
a great thing. And if you're modeling that for him, you're inviting him to work out with, with you.
00:16:15.760
You're going to work out with him in the way that he likes. Maybe he doesn't want to work out. Maybe
00:16:19.520
he wants to play basketball. Cool. We can go play basketball. That's a great workout. So get involved
00:16:25.100
in his world the way that he wants to do it. And as he takes it to the extreme of like not eating at
00:16:29.760
school, it's your job as a father to say, Hey, we're, we are going to eat like you're definitely
00:16:34.460
going to eat, but let's you and I come up with a meal choice and we'll do some meal planning
00:16:39.060
on Sunday. And then that way at school, instead of eating at the cafeteria, you bring your own
00:16:45.220
lunch, but it's chicken and rice and broccoli and water or at the cafeteria. What are the food
00:16:50.840
choices? Okay. Which choices should you make? And just help him navigate doing what I think
00:16:56.360
is a good and healthy thing. Just taken to the extreme. Yeah, absolutely. I mean,
00:17:02.160
what do most parents respond in this circumstance, right? Like most parents would be like, Oh no,
00:17:09.960
you're fine. You're perfect. Yeah. You'll brush it off. You're okay. And it's like, you just
00:17:16.480
invalidated how they feel and you lie to them. The reality of it is he might be pudgy, right? And
00:17:24.540
he may not like it period. So, okay, got it. You, you, you want to be more in shape. You want to be
00:17:31.940
stronger or whatever. How do we do it? And just get in the trenches with him. Hey, not eating. You
00:17:37.980
know, your body actually needs fuel. You want to get stronger. You want to burn calories. It's
00:17:43.420
actually, you need to eat. So let's, let me show you how that's done. Right. And, and, and I, man,
00:17:49.120
it, it could be a great thing. And anybody listening, this isn't just about weight. This
00:17:54.080
could be anything, you know, I, you know, a kid gets triggered with, I don't like the way I look
00:17:59.940
like how I dress or, um, you know, them navigating, let's be frank, navigating identity crisis. Who am I?
00:18:08.980
Am I a skater? Am I a punk rock kid? Am I a jock? I don't want to be one anymore. I want to be,
00:18:15.880
I want to dress and look like this. Okay. Why? And, and what are the dangers of just seeking
00:18:22.920
external validation and be careful with that. But, but what do you think it looks like? And
00:18:29.220
how do we do this in a healthy way? And just, I wouldn't demonize anything. And I would just
00:18:35.640
navigate the landscape of what this is with them, because this won't be the last time
00:18:41.480
and it's going to come up again. Good point. Other areas of life show up this way, right? We
00:18:47.960
get a trigger, an external thing that makes us self-evaluate. How do we navigate those
00:18:54.220
situations? And what an awesome opportunity you have, Gavin, to, to start on this path of helping
00:18:59.920
your son navigate this world. I, I, I liked what you said about what do most parents do? Like,
00:19:06.720
no, brush it off. Not only did you invalidate, but this goes to what you said on the podcast
00:19:10.600
yesterday about being a rescuer. Yeah. You can't rescue your kids that way because if you do,
00:19:17.200
that's like, it's the equivalent of these people who go on these singing shows and talent shows
00:19:21.860
and they get up there to sing or do their talent. And the judges say, you're horrible. And it cripples
00:19:27.640
them. It crushes them because have they never heard anybody say the truth to them? And who is the
00:19:34.980
one that loves most? The one who says the truth or the one who discloses the truth because they don't
00:19:41.140
want to feel uncomfortable? Do you love your children enough or your partner enough or your
00:19:46.340
clients enough to say the truth? You know, I remember, I remember when I was doing financial
00:19:51.300
planning, you know, we were taught to tell people like, Hey, look, you're not in a good situation.
00:19:56.940
Like, I think you think that you are, but let's paint this scenario a little bit and actually show you
00:20:02.100
why you've got some real gaps and dangers that you're oblivious to. And it would be the same
00:20:08.040
thing to your kids or to your wife or whoever you happen to be dealing with. You got to, you got to
00:20:13.100
put this clip in the show notes or something. Have you seen the one where it's like a family member
00:20:19.840
sitting outside the garage and they're all hanging tight and the mom points to the side. She's like,
00:20:25.040
that kid right there, he's going to be an athlete. And then someone chucks him a ball and
00:20:29.940
it, and he can't catch it. It just whacks him right in the face. And you're like,
00:20:33.740
but to your point, why did the mom say it? All because it validates her, her, that son right
00:20:41.340
there. He's going to be an athlete. AKA he makes me look good. Selfish, selfish. I've read, I read,
00:20:49.160
I was reading a book around this. They say, never tell your kid how talented they are.
00:20:54.600
Never tell your kid how talented they are. Celebrate their work ethic instead.
00:21:00.720
Work ethic. Yeah. And I honestly believe that Asia and I, we did a disservice to my son,
00:21:07.900
Kyabe in this category. When he was younger, just natural athlete. This kid was just crazy. And we
00:21:16.020
tell him all the time, oh, you're so talented. You're so athletic. You're so talented. And then
00:21:21.620
eventually, right? What happened? Other kids started catching up to him, but he didn't have
00:21:27.240
the work ethic. And all of a sudden other kids were getting better than him because we were celebrating
00:21:33.880
him just being perfect without effort. Yeah. And I think we actually did him a disservice. And all
00:21:41.440
of a sudden he's like, oh, got it. It's the work I got to put in. You know what I mean? And then we
00:21:47.860
changed our tune a little bit, but man, be careful. Be careful how we set our kids up.
00:21:52.920
Well, even for yourself, like don't build your identity on this, in a glass house where it's,
00:21:58.720
or on a sandy foundation where it's so fragile that any little thing could completely cripple you
00:22:04.940
and your identity because of what you wrapped it up in, you know, and you having a lot of money or
00:22:11.260
being attractive or having a particular talent or a skillset that could be ripped away from you
00:22:20.020
in a second today. And you can't change it. And if your identity was in that or work, even your work,
00:22:25.160
if your identity was in that, or even, even being a father or a, or a husband, which are noble things.
00:22:32.900
But if your identity is completely wrapped up in that, that stuff goes away. Yeah. You know,
00:22:38.200
I hate to be morbid, but children pass away, children grow up and they get older and they
00:22:43.400
move out to college. People go through divorces like that stuff goes away. You retire. You're no
00:22:49.700
longer active military. You're no longer a police officer. All these things that you used to validate
00:22:55.700
yourself, right? They can change. Yeah. Yeah. Raul Guterres, will either of you gents be attending the,
00:23:04.540
uh, the May 31st Bedros Cooley and live event in Anaheim, California? Uh, no, I won't. I, and that
00:23:13.520
came across like harsh, like, no, I will not like Bedros and I are friends. So I hope it didn't come
00:23:17.460
across. Absolutely not. You, in fact, if you go, you tell Bedros. So that might've come out different
00:23:25.840
than the way I intended. I was just saying, no, I'm not planning on attending. Bedros though is
00:23:30.580
phenomenal. And you know what? Stud. He deserves a little credit and I'll tell you why. When years
00:23:35.840
ago I was going through the alcohol abuse and, and the looming divorce, I called a handful of people.
00:23:42.180
You were one of them, a few others. And I called Bedros cause he's a friend of mine. And I was a
00:23:47.600
little nervous about calling Bedros cause he's a high performer. He, that's his, he coaches high
00:23:52.820
performance. He holds people accountable, but he was a friend of mine. And I thought he could offer
00:23:57.060
some insight or some, some feedback. And that guy stood by me more than just about anybody else.
00:24:04.400
He didn't judge. He was there. He was supportive. He encouraged me to change my behaviors in a
00:24:10.400
constructive, powerful way, but he never made me feel like a piece of crap or less than or
00:24:17.440
unimportant, or you're not worth anything because you screwed up anymore. And I got to give a shout out
00:24:22.480
to, to Bedros and I've brought my sons to live events that he's done and boot camps that he's
00:24:27.220
done and the squire program he does with young boys. And I just love that guy. So I want to set
00:24:32.640
the record straight because the way I initially said it made it sound like I didn't feel that way,
00:24:36.860
but that's how I feel about B. Yeah. Yeah. He's a, he's a stud. All right. Edward Simmons. I'm just
00:24:44.160
starting the gap in a game and the concept really hits home. I've spent a lot of my life in the gap
00:24:49.560
and always comparing and measuring against where I thought I should be. While I can see how this has
00:24:54.760
led me, uh, held me back. I also feel like it has pushed me to succeed in ways. My question,
00:25:01.480
how do you stay out of the comparison trap and stay motivated to grow and push forward? And I'm
00:25:07.180
assuming I'd add to Edward's questions, like how do I stay out of comparison and motivated, but
00:25:13.200
still succeed, right? So how do I operate in the gain and be successful knowing that the gap has
00:25:22.120
kind of helped us succeed in certain areas, right? The gap is not a bad thing. It's, it's all just in
00:25:29.040
moderation. It's okay to recognize where you fall short. It's okay to have desires and dreams and
00:25:35.000
goals and ambitions. It's when it becomes toxic. You know, there's, there's a point in time where even
00:25:40.960
water, something all of us would say is good for you becomes toxic and maybe even life-threatening
00:25:45.780
taken in high quantities, right? Totally. Yep. And I think it's the same thing with, with the,
00:25:51.480
the gap, you know, it's, it's okay to acknowledge it, but if it begins to demoralize you or put you
00:25:58.020
down or make you feel less than, uh, or cause procrastination or making yourself feel like you're
00:26:05.600
a loser and then, okay, now, you know, it's toxic levels. Yeah. And the way that I've avoided
00:26:12.080
personally, the comparison trap, and I, I should distinguish, it's okay to compare yourself to where
00:26:23.460
other people are, as long as it doesn't impact your worth as a human being. Yeah. So if I see you
00:26:30.080
performing Kip at a very high level in jujitsu, for example, I can compare my game to yours. You're,
00:26:37.860
you're better at jujitsu than I am. That doesn't demoralize me. It doesn't make me feel bad about
00:26:42.520
myself. It doesn't make me want to quit jujitsu. Like it just means he's better. He's been doing it
00:26:47.780
longer. And this is, this is why, and what can I learn from him? Now there are other scenarios and
00:26:55.220
situations and even people that I fall into this comparison trap for whatever reason I just do.
00:27:01.320
And it becomes toxic. And I wish that I had what they had and I become envious and jealous. And
00:27:06.960
those people, I purge that from my life. Actually, I unfollow their accounts. I don't connect with them.
00:27:13.740
I don't think less of them, but for whatever reason, there's something in it that triggers me
00:27:18.280
to compare myself to them in an unhealthy way. And I just eliminate that from my life. I've blocked so
00:27:24.480
not blocked, but unfollowed so many accounts, unsubscribed from so many emails, stop listening
00:27:29.740
to so many podcasts, stop going to certain conferences, because for whatever reason,
00:27:35.100
those people trigger a negative comparison trap for me. And I just don't want to deal with it.
00:27:41.560
So I look to people that edify me, uplift me, like, like Bedros, like we were talking about.
00:27:46.740
He's significantly farther down the track than I am on just about every metric. It's not demeaning,
00:27:52.760
demoralizing. It's just, he is, and I'm still continuing to be motivated by him, which is why
00:27:57.920
we're still in touch. You know, for, for me, Edward, I think the biggest thing around this,
00:28:03.660
this topic that I struggle with is I'm just ungrateful. I mean, that's, that's the main thing
00:28:12.260
is like, I get wrapped up in the gap of the way it should be or where I should be that I forget where
00:28:17.440
I'm at. You know, and I, I go back 20 years of my life that I would have never dreamed that I'd be
00:28:28.940
where I'm at. And it's not that like, I'm so amazing. It's, I didn't even think that was possible
00:28:34.460
for me. It wasn't even on my radar. I mean, I was raised in a, in a family that going to college
00:28:42.580
wasn't even a thought. And it wasn't a thought because I thought that's what rich people did.
00:28:48.140
I didn't even think I could. And it wasn't until a Hail Mary, you know, a couple months towards the
00:28:54.500
end of high school when I'm asking her, my friends like, Hey, what are you doing? I'm going to college.
00:28:58.400
What are you doing? I'm going to college. I'm thinking, man, that sucks. And then someone said
00:29:04.020
to me, you could go to college. And I'm like, Oh, I don't have the money. No, there's like loans and
00:29:09.160
all kinds of things. And I'm like, what? Like, it's seriously, it's so crazy to think in retrospect.
00:29:15.860
And, but like, I just didn't even think that was possible. Like my life was, I'm going to probably
00:29:22.280
work on a farm doing labor work because that's my lot. That's what I honestly thought. So when I look
00:29:32.100
at life right now, I'm like, Holy shit, like awesome. Kip celebrate that. But I don't,
00:29:38.760
I don't as much as I should. And I don't, why? Because it's not good enough. It's never good
00:29:43.120
enough. Right. And, and I got to remind myself, man, life is good. I would have never dreamt of
00:29:50.960
my life. There are people willing to die and have what I have. And yet I'm operating in the space of
00:29:57.340
it's not good enough. Right. So for me, it's, it's about being present, being present where I'm at.
00:30:06.140
And, and I've heard you, I'm still in this from you, Ryan, the comparison trap is often a comparison
00:30:11.680
of where they are, where we think we should be. And I think we just need to dig a little bit deeper
00:30:17.100
and say, okay, well, if I want to be there, why, or why are they there? Okay, God, they got reps and
00:30:22.840
all these other things. Right. And that's not an intrinsic value thing between me and them. It's
00:30:28.200
they put in the reps or they paid a price that I haven't paid or that I may not be willing to pay
00:30:36.440
unwilling to pay. And it's really important to get clear there. Am I willing to, am I willing to do
00:30:43.880
what they've done? And I may not want to. So I better let that go. Otherwise I'm dragging myself
00:30:50.280
through what should be for no reason, because I've gotten really clear that I'm not willing to do what
00:30:56.720
they've done. And that's okay. That's why I think by default, it's never a good idea to discount
00:31:04.900
somebody's success. Oh, this person just knew the right person. This person came from financial
00:31:11.400
acumen or background or wealth. Um, this person has more connections. This person was in the right
00:31:16.700
place at the right time. Oh, if I had his situation or I didn't have this that I was dealing with,
00:31:21.680
and I was, you know, the Midas touch that everything I touched turned to gold, then,
00:31:26.660
you know, then I would be successful. The problem with that is you're discounting what that individual
00:31:31.780
did to get there. And it makes you believe that you just haven't been dubbed or tapped on the shoulder
00:31:36.460
for success. And yeah, sometimes people get lucky. Sometimes fortunate events happen.
00:31:44.160
Sometimes people are in the right place at the right time. That's few and far between. And even if they
00:31:49.860
are at the right place at the right time, they still have to be in the position to capitalize on
00:31:53.700
it. Yeah. There's an interesting concept that came across just the other day. I was listening to
00:31:58.600
a book or a podcast. I can't even remember where I heard it, but they said, you know,
00:32:02.560
it's interesting when we compare, who do we compare ourselves to people who are perceived better than us,
00:32:08.660
but you never compared down. That is so true. That's funny. Isn't that wild? It hit me. I was like,
00:32:15.600
that's true. We always say, well, that guy has a bigger house. That guy has a better looking wife.
00:32:20.600
That guy has more money. That guy has abs. That guy has a business, but we never look at the
00:32:25.980
neighbor who were like, Hey, that guy's really struggling. Or if you've got a cell phone, a
00:32:30.880
supercomputer in your pocket, I mean, the percentage of people who don't have access to clean water in
00:32:37.560
the world is mind boggling to me. And so if you have clean water and electricity, my fans blowing
00:32:44.220
right now, the AC is at the perfect temperature, 68 degrees in my house. I've got this supercomputer
00:32:49.480
that makes me a cyborg. I've got the ability to communicate ideas. I'm fairly intelligent. That's
00:32:56.700
subject for debate, you know, for some people. Um, I've got kids, my dog's chilling right here.
00:33:02.260
The mortgage is paid. Your health. Yeah. Yeah. And yet, you know, Kip, we've had conversations in
00:33:07.520
the past several weeks, months where it's like, this isn't going good in my life. And it might be true,
00:33:14.020
but there's a lot of good things happening too. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Nick Kota, our battle team
00:33:22.340
had two guys go to the last men's event and both raved about it. Are you planning on having another
00:33:28.440
men's event this year or next? What would, what would you do differently for the next event?
00:33:33.380
Yeah. So, um, we are doing, excuse me, we are doing another event. Uh, it's called the men's forge
00:33:41.620
is what it's called. And, uh, Larry Hagner with the dad edge and myself partnered up. This is the
00:33:46.440
first time we've ever officially partnered up. We've been friends for a long time. It's interesting
00:33:50.620
because by any objective standard, you could say we are competitors, but I've never really looked at
00:33:57.620
it that way. Um, Larry brings a lot of value into my life. He shares a lot of ideas and I hope I bring
00:34:03.500
a lot of value and share ideas with him. I hope he would say the same thing. So we decided to partner
00:34:08.000
up and man, everything that could have went wrong, went wrong. Speakers dropped out, business partnerships
00:34:14.680
didn't work. Uh, yeah. Leading up to it. Uh, we had fewer people attend than we thought we were worried
00:34:20.340
about the contract that we had signed. Cause we had fewer people. Larry ended up tearing his patella tendon
00:34:26.540
or something. I can't remember exactly. I thought it was his ACL or MCL, but it's like the patella tendon
00:34:31.060
or ligament. I don't know. He's got to go in for surgery. Like there's a lot of things that went wrong
00:34:36.560
and yet it was probably, it was, it was my favorite event. It was so good. We had 50 guys just outside
00:34:43.800
of St. Louis on this working ranch with bison and elk and fallow deer and longhorns. And then it's a
00:34:51.220
Christian youth camp. So I want you to imagine 50 men in an environment that is somewhat like a
00:35:01.980
traditional conference that you'd go to mixed with boy scout camp where we can actually go learn
00:35:09.000
from each other. We can hear from powerful presenters, Keith Yackey, the married game,
00:35:14.280
Sathia Sam, uh, Brandon Mancine. These guys performed so well on stage, so much value from those
00:35:20.700
guys. Um, and then we had other activities. We all ate together every night. Uh, we trained a little
00:35:26.940
jujitsu. I didn't tell you this one morning. Yeah. We're in a cabin. Did you see it? Yeah. You guys
00:35:33.040
like laid down mattresses from the bed and had a training session. It was like a, like a day. We're
00:35:39.380
all just like, let's go. And there was on these four King size, California King size mattresses.
00:35:44.540
There was like 10 people at a time. We're bumping into each other, kicking each other in the face.
00:35:48.240
Yeah. Um, ropes courses, they've got a pistol course next year. So I don't know what we're
00:35:53.560
going to change necessarily because it was really good. Um, there's fire sides in a big, huge fire
00:36:00.020
pit. Like it was, it was awesome. The only thing that we're going to change, we're going to have
00:36:03.620
more people there next year. Yeah. And so that's more lives. That's the men's forge.com. The dates
00:36:09.860
are actually posted on the website already and you can register. Yeah. So yeah. April 23rd through
00:36:14.640
the 26th of next year. Excellent. Dalton Howard, what would you say are some of the most important
00:36:20.420
things to keep in mind when starting a business? In your opinion is the part that I wasn't going to
00:36:26.420
read, but that's a given. Okay. Um, first is because you're good at the thing doesn't mean you're a good
00:36:33.220
business owner. That is the, that is the premise of E-myth. So if you haven't read E-myth
00:36:39.280
Revisited, go and read that first. It's great. Because if you're good at plumbing, doesn't mean
00:36:44.260
you're going to own, uh, run a great plumbing company. Or if you're good at skill, web design.
00:36:50.380
Yeah. It's a different skill. So what I would suggest is learn the other skills and the other
00:36:55.940
skills are marketing, accounting, bookkeeping, um, business management, managing other people,
00:37:03.860
changing, changing your, your, um, tax structure. Cause now you're a business, you're no longer an
00:37:09.760
employee. So learning the tax ramifications of that, bringing the right team, the legalities,
00:37:15.080
the liabilities, the insurances, like the balance of it all. Yeah. Like do all that. Don't sell too
00:37:23.260
much and not deliver. Cause then you lose clients. Don't focus on delivery, not sell. Cause then you'll
00:37:28.740
have no work next month. I mean, I struggle with this. Oh, I was going to ask you really quick.
00:37:36.340
Yeah, go ahead. I think social media and online, everyone glorifies entrepreneurship,
00:37:41.380
right? Like, and it's funny because I get so much reels and it's everyone selling a thing about
00:37:47.360
being your own boss and entrepreneur. And I'm like, I actually don't think it's for everybody.
00:37:53.800
And, and it's miserable sometimes, right? Like I, I, in fact, I was thinking about this this morning.
00:38:01.560
I'm like, it's not until you're in a position where you're, where you're confronted with pay my
00:38:08.180
employees or pay my mortgage. What should I do until you experience that? You're like,
00:38:16.020
you're not an entrepreneur. You have no idea. And it's tough. And, and, and here's the crazy part.
00:38:23.480
And I read this quote at how, who was it? That was, uh, I already forgot who said it, but it was,
00:38:28.180
is this great quote. It says, the thing about entrepreneurship is most people going into it
00:38:33.940
know it's really, really hard and it ends up even being harder than they thought.
00:38:39.740
Yeah. So it's true. I, I've, I think entrepreneurial entrepreneurship is 90% horrible
00:38:47.820
and, and 10% of it makes up for the 90% when it happens, when it happens. Yeah. Right. So you have
00:38:57.460
like a successful event that we just talked about. 90% of that was unsuccessful in every sense of the
00:39:05.120
word, but the 10% that was successful made up for it. But there were a lot of sleepless nights. There
00:39:10.940
were a lot of negotiating contracts. There were a lot of really difficult conversations with potential
00:39:16.400
business partners. Like it's, it was not fun. I, a couple of days ago, I went to my accountant and
00:39:24.060
sat down with him about tax liability and that's not fun, but the 10% to me makes it worth it. So
00:39:31.760
you really have to consider that. So learn, learn the business side of, of the business. That's what
00:39:36.420
I would say. And then the other thing is be a good marketer, learn how to like, you can hire people
00:39:43.040
to do your taxes. You can hire, you can buy insurance to cover your liability. You can put
00:39:48.420
contracts in place by credible lawyers. You can hire marketing firms, I guess too, but unless you
00:39:56.680
know how to market your service and promote it and pitch it and share it and get people excited about it
00:40:03.380
and passionate about it, you're not a business because there's nothing that you might have something
00:40:08.600
to sell, but you don't have anybody to sell it to. So it doesn't matter how good your service is or
00:40:13.360
your widget or your product or your this or your that. If nobody sees it or nobody likes it, then you
00:40:20.700
have nothing. Yeah. So spend some time, invest in some social media courses, buy some books.
00:40:29.820
What book would you recommend? What's his name? Russell Brunson. Russell Brunson. Is that the
00:40:34.140
ClickFunnels guy? I don't know. I think that's his name. He's got some really good stuff. I always mix
00:40:40.460
him up and Russell Brand. Let me see. Let me make sure. Yeah. Russell Brand's the actor, but Russell
00:40:49.260
Brunson is the ClickFunnels guy. He's got some really good books on generating leads and sales through
00:40:56.340
digital marketing. I would definitely turn there and then just follow people you like and mimic.
00:41:02.900
Yeah. I wouldn't say copy, but borrow ideas and concepts. I like this. I like that. Let me do it
00:41:09.740
this way. And then just start sharing. Totally. You can't really find your voice until you start
00:41:15.860
speaking. It would be like asking a child when their very first word should be a perfectly formed,
00:41:22.460
coherent sentence. It's not how it works. They make noises and they mess words up and they don't know how to
00:41:30.700
say words and we laugh and, but they keep doing it and keep doing it. And then finally they get
00:41:34.880
pronunciation down and they get sentence structure down and they can clearly communicate instead of
00:41:39.320
crying. It's the same thing with marketing is you don't get to have your voice until you develop your
00:41:45.620
voice. So you have to start sharing. Totally. And I think tied to that is focus on minimal viable
00:41:53.180
product, not perfection. Otherwise you won't ever get started. You won't put stuff out. You'll wait
00:41:58.480
until, I mean, and I'm not saying do subpar work, do your best, but also don't procrastinate it and,
00:42:05.460
and wait too long. You know, test out the waters, see if there's momentum. We talked about this
00:42:12.800
yesterday and I think it's critical is have a tax strategy part of this too, right? Like it's crazy
00:42:20.420
to me how often there's like small business owners and they're paying themselves a full W-2 salary.
00:42:26.980
And I'm like, why are you even an entrepreneur then? I mean, that's the benefit of being an
00:42:33.960
entrepreneur is the tax strategy. And if you're not have a tax strategy, what are you doing? You
00:42:39.620
might as well be working for someone else. So yeah, because it's way easier if you're not getting any
00:42:44.700
benefits. Yeah. But you're going to pay, you're going to pay less payroll taxes, social security
00:42:48.600
taxes. If you don't know what that is, figure it out, like hire an accountant and say, Hey, I need help
00:42:53.180
with this. Yeah. Absolutely. You know, you said something funny. It's like, uh, Asia used to always
00:42:59.080
say, she says, uh, when Kip worked for himself, it was, it was, we were the richest people and the
00:43:05.620
poorest people constantly. And that's how it felt, right? One minute we're like, woohoo, we've made it
00:43:14.140
next month. Crap. We're poor. You know, it was just, Oh my gosh. The thing that's hard to me is,
00:43:22.480
is that you have, like, you look at your, your income for the year and you're like, Whoa,
00:43:29.600
I made a lot of money. Yeah. And then you look at your bank account and you're like, where is all
00:43:35.320
that money? And you gave 30% of it to the government and 30% of it to employees and costs of
00:43:44.220
managing the day-to-day operations. And 15% of it went to, uh, servicing debt, you know, credit cards,
00:43:53.120
business loans, maybe there's a business partner. And then congratulations, you made a million dollars.
00:43:58.040
Here's $80,000 for you and your family. Gee, thanks. That's amazing.
00:44:03.420
Oh, and I laugh because it's so true. Like I, in fact, and I'm not putting you on the spot,
00:44:08.560
but like when you were talking about the amazing event, right? You're like, Oh, we had all these
00:44:12.120
hardships and we had this great event. Right. And then there's the like post event where you're
00:44:16.740
like, that event was so great. How much money do you make? Well, that's not cost effective. Yeah.
00:44:22.440
You're like, awesome. Great event, but bad business maybe, you know, if, if the margins aren't there.
00:44:29.520
So it's like, Oh man, they were fortunately for us. Cause I've done it for 10 years, but I'll tell
00:44:33.980
you what the first and, and our event coordinator, Chris Gatchko can attest to this. The first three
00:44:39.300
or four events, we lost money. Yeah. And we still, and we kept doing them cause we're dumb,
00:44:45.220
dumb enough to succeed. Bad business. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. All right. Brad Letterman,
00:44:52.280
my 12 year old son has, has out of bass, a baseball tournament this weekend with a game Friday and two
00:44:59.700
on Saturday, pending on how they do. Uh, there is a potential for a championship game on Sunday.
00:45:05.840
My wife soon to be X is not sports minded at all and has made plans with the kids and her aunt for
00:45:12.320
that Sunday, knowing of said tournament and the States that our son wants to partake in,
00:45:18.340
in the outing. Do I push the issue with her that he needs to follow through with the commitments and
00:45:24.380
be there for his team? How old's the son? 12. And you won't know the answer to this, but you have
00:45:33.460
to question whether or not she did it deliberately and intentionally. Yeah. So the first question I
00:45:39.580
would pose to who this was is, have you talked with her about it? Yeah. Because right now it could
00:45:47.200
just be a lot of assumptions. Like she did this on purpose. She's trying to undermine me. She doesn't
00:45:52.140
appreciate sports. So they're doing a picnic in the park or whatever. And you, but you don't really
00:45:57.400
know unless you talk with her and you might even not know even after you talk with her, especially
00:46:02.260
if there's some contention and it sounds like there is. Yeah. And she might, she might be the realist
00:46:06.900
here, Brad, because, uh, you know, they don't have a Sunday game unless they go to the championship and
00:46:11.360
they haven't won a game all year. And so she's like, they're not, they're not playing Sunday and you're
00:46:16.640
still wishing that a little Timmy's going to, uh, win the show. I mean, look, you're asking for my
00:46:23.980
opinion on it and he's 12 years old and this is hard because you've got the contention in the
00:46:32.740
relationship. I think I would talk with your soon to be ex and communicate with her in a respectful
00:46:39.800
way, why this is so important and that you would like to take little Timmy to the game. If,
00:46:45.320
if it takes place and that you do the picnic thing or whatever with the rest of the kids in the
00:46:50.860
family, I'll talk with little Timmy about why this is important. And then after the game, I will bring
00:46:56.840
him to the picnic or to wherever so that he can meet up with the family. I think that's the compromise
00:47:02.880
that I would go towards because I think you're right. He's part of the team. You don't get to just
00:47:08.720
bail, especially in a championship game. If you make it because somebody planned poorly toy. So
00:47:15.840
and make it about the lesson and right. And, and, and be, and just try to make it a compromise. And I
00:47:21.480
think there's some compromise there. Look at the end of the day, she might say, no, we're not, this is
00:47:27.440
what we're doing. I don't know. I don't know how contentious it is. And is it something that you have
00:47:33.260
to die on? No, I think you're, I think you try to make the compromise. You try to get your son to do
00:47:38.180
the right thing. You advocate for that. You, you grease the grooves by saying, Hey, I'll pick them
00:47:42.960
up. I'll get them there, but he needs to be there for the team. You talk to him why it's important.
00:47:47.020
And then at that stage, you know, if, if she's refusing to do it, I personally would document that.
00:47:54.480
And I would talk with my attorney about that because these types of decisions with your kids,
00:48:00.140
I think ought to be made by both parents and she needs to learn. Again, I'm making assumptions
00:48:06.100
here, but if she feels this way, she needs to learn that these decisions will be made by both
00:48:11.440
parents. I have to deal with that too. In my situation where she might make a decision and
00:48:16.960
I'm like, I don't agree with that decision. And in the past I might've been a little bit too lenient
00:48:22.340
or let her, uh, make all the decisions because she might feel like quote unquote, the default parent.
00:48:29.040
But what I'm seeing now is no, there's boundaries. And my say as a father is just as important,
00:48:35.380
just as credible and just as relevant as yours as a mother. So we're going to make these decisions
00:48:40.380
together. I'm not going to die on every Hill, but if it's important to you and you think it's
00:48:45.100
important to your son, then you should fight that battle. Absolutely. You should. Absolutely.
00:48:51.680
Those are all the questions from the iron council. Did you have a couple on the Instagram that you
00:48:55.840
want to? I've got a couple here. Um, just for the sake of time, Kip, cause I do have a hard stop
00:48:59.340
today. Let me just, uh, pull up maybe one or two and see how we do here. Okay. So the first question
00:49:05.960
is, um, we talked about the sobriety one. Oh, here's, here's a good one.
00:49:13.680
Um, uh, let me look, I'm trying to pick the best one here.
00:49:22.760
Oh, here's, here's an interesting one. What do you bench?
00:49:28.940
Have you done a PR for a while? I, I did maybe like three or four months ago.
00:49:33.660
And if I remember correctly, I hit two 50 was my, was my bench. Yeah. But I want to get that up into
00:49:42.700
the high two hundreds. If not hit 300 this year, that's my goal. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah,
00:49:48.500
man. I'm always, do you know where you're at? High reps? No, I haven't done a PR. Like I know the,
00:49:54.880
my app probably does a calculated PR based upon rep count and stuff, but yeah, but I don't know.
00:50:00.920
I'd have to look. It's not very high. My bench has never been amazing. It sucks.
00:50:05.660
Mine hasn't either in the past, but I've been really focused on chest, arms, shoulders, back,
00:50:11.700
lats, traps, delts. And my, my growth has been really, really good. That's awesome.
00:50:17.900
Here's another question. The vagina cruncher machine. That's, I just go to the gym. I do that
00:50:23.080
for 30 minutes. The vagina cruncher machine. I think that's actually the official name of it.
00:50:27.160
Actually, it's, it's what they say. Like go over and do the vagina cruncher machine.
00:50:32.840
God, that is such a weird machine. Like ladies do that machine all the time. And yeah, it's for
00:50:39.380
their glutes. I kind of like, man, that's a vulnerable situation. They, they structure the
00:50:44.260
machine in the right way. So like they put it towards the wall and it's like the, the weights
00:50:49.100
are in front of the front. I'm like, yeah, you can't make eye contact. Yeah. You can't make eye
00:50:55.080
contact with people on that machine. Yeah. I've done, I've done that machine. I actually
00:51:00.880
have, but it's usually on a Sunday when no one's at the gym. Yeah. I've never done that
00:51:06.480
machine. I will. You should try it. I stick with my ass will hurt for a week. Seriously.
00:51:12.080
It's actually a thigh master, this Suzanne Summers or whatever thigh master. That's what I, that's
00:51:16.620
my go-to. You like the shake. What's the shake, the, the shake thing, the shake weight.
00:51:20.920
Yeah. That's yours. Absolutely. I don't never, I'm just going to be crude. I'm not going to go
00:51:25.340
there today. The other, at least there's a video where, you know, like the cable machines
00:51:30.580
and maybe you're doing like on one side, you're doing a row with the weight. And then on the
00:51:36.120
other side of it, directly across from you, the guys may be doing lat pulldowns. Yeah. And
00:51:40.640
there's a video where it's like awkward where the guys do the rows and every time the weight
00:51:44.720
goes up, they look at each other and they're just staring at one guy's doing lat pulldowns.
00:51:48.980
The other guy's doing cables and they're just looking straight into each other's eyes.
00:51:52.000
Yeah. Everybody goes to the gym and works cable machines knows the awkwardness of this. I
00:51:57.480
had a guy that was doing the same thing this morning. I'm doing rows and he's on the lat
00:52:00.560
machines and I pull it up right at the time he does. And we look at each other and we both
00:52:04.320
go turn away real quick. Yeah. Wait until the dude's on the hip thruster or whatever. They
00:52:12.640
just go stand in front. Just make eye contact. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Oh my gosh. It's funny.
00:52:20.640
I'm sorry. That's funny. Uh, what question you got? Last one right here. Okay. Advice of letting go of
00:52:27.100
a girl that is holding you back. How long is too long to keep drying? Um, it's too long.
00:52:34.640
I, I, I'm not trying to be flippant. Yeah. I'm not trying to be flippant about it. Yeah. I think
00:52:42.640
you're, you said, you said she's holding you back. That's what you said. Now, if you're saying, Hey,
00:52:47.700
I'm trying to figure out if this is a fit for us. I'm trying to figure out if we can make this work.
00:52:53.380
I'm trying to figure out if my partner, um, will make changes that I'd like to see or, or that, um,
00:53:01.800
we want to work together and work through issues that we have. If I think of a partner's willing
00:53:07.200
to grow and explore together and continue to work forward, even if it's not ideal,
00:53:14.340
then I think it is worth pursuing. I'm not flipping about relationships. I love being in a relationship,
00:53:21.060
a long-term relationship with one person. And that's just me. So because I love that,
00:53:26.760
I think it's worth pursuing something that is still available, something that's still optional.
00:53:35.420
But I will say if she has proven to you or, or alternatively, you have proven to her
00:53:44.240
that you're not willing to grow or that your goals and objectives and desires don't align,
00:53:49.980
or there are hard stops or boundaries that you aren't willing to jeopardize.
00:53:58.260
You have to make that decision. Just like I would tell a woman, she has to make that decision
00:54:02.400
with a man. And the reality is, is depending on your age, if this is maybe a second relationship
00:54:08.860
or after a divorce or not, the reality is people aren't really going to change all that much.
00:54:14.280
Yeah. You know, they, and maybe she doesn't even think like she's holding you back. It's just that
00:54:21.060
you're on two different tracks. And so it feels like she's holding you back when really she's
00:54:24.720
just on a different track than you. I don't really know the situation, but I do think if you've tried
00:54:29.480
all of these and you've had conversations and you've explained to her what you feel and how you
00:54:34.420
feel about it, and that you want to give it an effort and she's willing to give it an effort
00:54:38.540
and you're both in it, even to the slightest degree, then do it. But if you've already decided,
00:54:44.280
it's probably time, probably time to end the relationship unless you're married.
00:54:50.360
Yeah. And in that case, I'd say, no, work even harder for a little longer. And that would be my
00:54:57.240
default answer. Let me ask you this, Ryan, just really quick. Yeah. When you're sharing, I had
00:55:02.900
this paradigm or this thought that working out, working it out or seeing if it's going to work out
00:55:09.820
is what adjustments am I willing to make to accept her the way she is, is the working out,
00:55:18.620
not I'm waiting for her to change. Do you agree with that approach? Right? Because there's some
00:55:26.700
danger in it, right? It's like, oh, well, you know, she's not quite, you know, I'm hoping that
00:55:30.840
she'll be different. That's going to come up with resentment and all kinds of stuff from her
00:55:34.860
perspective. But if your approach is like, okay, she's this way and I'm working on whether I can
00:55:41.040
accept her exactly the way she is and that's the working out, then that's probably a healthier version
00:55:47.420
of working on it. I would, I would generally agree with that. Yeah. But I'd also leave room
00:55:55.780
for, I'd leave some wiggle room and some caveats in there. Yeah. Yeah. And, and, and like I said,
00:56:01.480
if yes, you should accept her and love her the way that she is. We all want to find partners like
00:56:07.580
that who were like, yeah, that person, I love their flaws. I love their, the things they're good at,
00:56:12.740
you know, and, and I accept the things that I don't particularly agree with or like,
00:56:18.540
and they're not deal breakers. And I think that's fine. That's, we should all want a relationship
00:56:21.860
like that. Yeah. But you also owe it to a person to say, Hey, you know what? Like, I don't like this
00:56:29.900
or this part of our relationship makes me feel this way, or I struggle with this in our relationship
00:56:37.680
relationship because X, Y, and Z. And I wanted to bring this to your attention to see how you feel
00:56:44.700
about it. And she might say, Oh my gosh, I didn't even realize, or, yeah. Oh, that's a minor thing.
00:56:51.440
That bothers you? Yeah. Let me see what I, like, how do we work on it? And man, if she comes to you
00:56:56.540
and says that, I'm like, cool, I'm still in it then. Yeah. Because you love her. Obviously you,
00:57:01.040
if you didn't love her, you wouldn't even ask the question. You had already been done.
00:57:03.440
But if, but if you've already done that and, and she's like, yeah, I'm not changing that even just
00:57:11.500
by her behavior or actions or words, then I think it's probably time to make some tough decisions and
00:57:19.200
they'll be painful for you and for her. Yeah. But, but it also frees, it frees both people. It
00:57:26.240
doesn't feel like that when you're in the middle of it. And it, and depending on the relationship,
00:57:30.180
it could take a really, really long time to feel that way, but it actually is freeing.
00:57:36.220
It's freeing for her. And by the way, the roles could be reversed just as easily, but it's freeing
00:57:41.720
for her because now she can go pursue the things that she wants to pursue and live her life the way
00:57:48.260
that she wants to live her life. And maybe it's less stressful for her. And it also frees you because
00:57:53.680
now you have an opportunity to find somebody who is more aligned with you or doesn't see it the same
00:58:01.440
way or does things differently. And it takes a long way, long time to feel that way. Cause you're so
00:58:07.180
maybe enamored or in love with this person, but eventually it's, it is a good thing in the long
00:58:12.900
run. Yeah. Awesome. Well, I think a couple of call to actions. I mean, we, we talked about the men's
00:58:19.840
forge event coming next year in April. Um, individuals can sign up for that. That's
00:58:25.240
the men's forge.com, uh, to get, learn more and ultimately reserve your spot. The other thing is
00:58:32.600
connect with Ryan on X and Instagram at Ryan Mickler. Um, iron councils closed. We have enrollment
00:58:39.180
opening up next month, about a month. Jeez. Already goes quick. I know another quarter. Um,
00:58:45.480
if you want to learn more about that, that's the iron council.com or order a man.com slash iron
00:58:52.040
council. The other thing too, is you have the battle ready and, and you would recommend people
00:58:57.260
take a look at the battle ready program as well. Yeah. It's just, it's a free program. It's a series
00:59:02.640
of emails that you'll receive over 17 days. Um, excuse me, 17 emails over 30 days. And it's going to walk
00:59:10.020
you through the system that we use for battle planning, creating a, uh, emotionally charged and
00:59:14.800
compelling vision coming up with four different objectives you want to accomplish in the next 90
00:59:19.780
days, the tactics that are going to be required on a daily basis to achieve those objectives,
00:59:24.880
which aligns with your vision. And then making sure you're checking along the way to, to track
00:59:29.820
if you're on, on track or to make pivots and adjustments. And we're going to teach you the
00:59:33.720
system. It's transformative. If I promise you, if you do this, it will change your life. I've had
00:59:39.200
people be critical about it because they've said, cause they've seen some of my own short,
00:59:42.560
short, uh, comings and they've said, well, see your battle plan doesn't work. I'm like,
00:59:47.860
what they don't know is the worst parts of my life are when I'm not doing my battle planning.
00:59:54.740
It's when I'm doing my battle planning that it succeeds. So does that tell us the battle plan
00:59:58.960
doesn't work or does it say I don't work as a human being, which is why I need systems that are
01:00:04.140
proven to replicate results. So it's, it's powerful and it's free. So if you go to order a man.com
01:00:09.920
slash battle ready, you can check it out. Excellent. Okay. Okay. Well guys, great
01:00:14.540
questions today. We've got a bunch more from Instagram and I think we have some maybe from
01:00:18.260
Facebook, uh, too, that we'll get to next week. We'll address those. We want to hit all those
01:00:21.920
questions, but I hope we served you. That is our goal ultimately. So, uh, we will be back on Friday
01:00:28.120
until then go out there, take action and become a man. You are meant to be.
01:00:31.720
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
01:00:40.860
and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.