Security is the Skeleton Key to Her Heart, Mind, and Body ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
178.80296
Summary
In this episode, I talk about how to make your significant other feel safe and secure in your life and in your relationship. I discuss the three-pronged approach to making your partner feel secure and secure.
Transcript
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There was a point in my life where I was broke.
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I was worried about how I was going to make the next mortgage payment.
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I mean, don't tell me that that's not going to negatively impact
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the credibility, faith, and trust that your wife has in you.
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We're going to be prudent and smart with our money,
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but I'm not worried about whether or not I spend $500 or $700 on grocery.
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You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears,
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When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
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This is who you will become at the end of the day.
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And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
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I talk with dozens of men every single week who are trying to rebuild
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or maybe they're trying to establish a new, healthy relationship with a woman.
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there's one thing that I've found and determined over my own personal experience,
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and after listening to thousands and thousands of men
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that I believe is going to help you unlock access to her heart,
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And that is learning how to make her feel safe and secure.
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if you really want to develop a deep, meaningful, and significant relationship
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then you're going to have to learn how to keep her safe and secure.
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I think outside of every other factor that comes into a healthy relationship,
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it begins to be the foundation for everything else that you might enjoy,
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from joy and adventure and challenge and risk-taking
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But it all starts with this skeleton key of keeping her secure and safe.
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All right, guys, let's talk about how to best make her feel safe and secure.
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I think she's looking for this more than anything else.
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it's the foundation for everything else that you want out of your relationship.
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I think this is really a three-pronged approach.
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so you guys can feel free to chime in and leave some comments.
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But number one is she is looking for emotional stability from you.
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I haven't always been the most emotionally stable.
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And part of that was exacerbated by my drinking.
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I've been pretty open about my battles with alcohol abuse.
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obviously I was significantly more emotionally volatile.
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And so what would happen is if she or even my kids came to me for advice
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or simply to share about their day or talk with me
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they never really knew who they were going to get.
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Were they going to get the cool, calm, and collected version of me?
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Or were they going to get the highly volatile, highly emotional,
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it was less likely that her and my kids would come talk to me about relevant issues
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And then I would get mad that they would shut down and close down.
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What I've found is that if you can be more emotionally stable,
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then you're going to have a better likelihood of making her feel comfortable
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This is a lot of that kind of conversation stems off a conversation I had several weeks ago
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And I had mixed reviews on that and different definitions of the word vulnerability.
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And while I can certainly understand where people are coming from,
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I think it's very tempting for a guy to hear the concept of vulnerability
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and think that he just gets to regurgitate or spew all of his bullshit and baggage
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When you do it that way, you are not being emotionally intelligent.
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And frankly, they're not there to solve your problems.
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So when somebody comes to you, you need to be the emotional rock.
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That she knows without a doubt that when she comes to you,
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You're not going to let your emotions dictate your reactivity.
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You're going to respond in a very constructive and positive and healthy way.
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When you do that, and she's confident that you can do that,
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don't be surprised that the floodgates open and that she's more communicative with you
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And the communication will obviously spill over into every aspect of your relationship
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So I'm not saying that you should never be emotional.
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You can have feelings and you can express what your feelings are,
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And so it's very important, and this goes into something I've talked quite a bit about,
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We're not going to let her be the outlet for our emotional burden and pain.
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Again, we can share in an honest and humble way,
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This is why it's important to have hobbies, physical training,
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other friends that you can talk with about some of these issues,
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or just a way to release some of the frustration, anger, sorrow, guilt, remorse, sadness
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Do not let it spill over into your relationship in inappropriate and unhealthy ways
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because you're going to start to notice that she's going to shut down
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Now, on the physical front, a lot of guys often want to be more intimate,
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Well, guys, I'm telling you, it's about the way that you're showing up.
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Yes, physically and mentally, but also emotionally.
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or you feel yourself too heavily vested in what she might be talking with you about,
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learn to find other outlets where you can vent and release some of that stuff
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so that you can always come to the table with her
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That's the emotional stability piece I'm talking about.
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Number two, is she free from financial hardship?
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Now, you guys know that the finances, the money situation,
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one of the leading causes of friction and ultimately divorce in marriages.
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and maybe you're not as disciplined as you can be with your money,
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If she has to check on every little expense with you
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because you're broke and you're not doing what you need to be doing,
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then that's going to create a lot of financial instability
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then it doesn't allow her to bloom and to blossom and to open up
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and deeply engage in more relevant, important conversations
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like the future and raising kids together and going on adventures
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and what her own goals and interests and desires are
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because she's so consumed with the money piece.
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And by the way, this is not exclusive to women.
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It leads to the first thing I talked about, emotional instability.
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You might feel guilty about the way that you're performing.
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So guys, it's imperative that we learn how to develop skills,
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marketable skills that we can charge money for.
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That we can go out into the market, present a solution,
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give that to individuals in exchange for compensation.
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Also, you need to make sure that you manage your money correctly.
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How many people are just living paycheck to paycheck?
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hey, I'm going to wait till Friday to get that thing or to do that thing
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Guys, that's not the position that we want to be in.
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I'm not telling you or even thinking less of you
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There was a point in my life where I was broke.
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I said this before, I would walk in my backyard,
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And I walked it so much that I wore a dirt track into the grass
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because I was worried about how I was going to make the next mortgage payment.
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I mean, don't tell me that that's not going to negatively impact
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the credibility, faith, and trust that your wife has in you.
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We're going to be prudent and smart with our money.
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But I'm not worried about whether or not I spend $500 or $700 on groceries.
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I'm not worried about us being able to make the mortgage payment.
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I'm not worried about setting money aside for our kids' future and college tuition.
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Man, what a beautiful thing that you can then go in
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and start talking about more significant things like,
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And how can I treat you, my wife, and also my kids
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If you have unnecessary expenses, shut that down.
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That is the most effective way, bar none, to pay off debt.
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I know there's other factors, but if you just look at the math,
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And then while you're doing that, invest in marketable skills.
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the last thing that I wanted to talk with you about this,
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and I'm going to give it a little bit more context.
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and I'm not going to really beat a dead horse, pun intended,
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when it comes to talking about being physically abusive or emotionally or even verbally abusive to her.
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Obviously, that's not going to foster any sort of faith in you as her man.
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So that just goes without saying, clearly, I hope.
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But also, does she feel protected when she's out in public with you?
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I heard Jocko one time say that sometimes a man has what another man wants,
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So she is, by default, a lot more vulnerable than a man.
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The likelihood of me getting into some sort of physical altercation
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is significantly less than her getting into a physical altercation,
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even just if you were to look at the differences between men and women.
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And it's your job as the man to ensure that she feels protected.
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how you can keep your family and her safe in certain circumstances?
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If she has faith and confidence that you can do that,
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Is your head always buried in your phone when you're in public?
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Are you not aware of what's going on in your surroundings?
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I'm not saying everybody has to have a firearm.
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I think I would navigate towards that being the answer,
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but you can't be scared of the tools that are available to you
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And not to mention, don't you want to be somebody that she's proud to be on the shoulder of?
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Man, when she's got her arm wrapped around you or wrapped in your arm or holding your hand,
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don't you want her to be proud of the man that you are?
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That might be a secondary conversation, but, guys, we can do so much better in this department.
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The one that I struggle with the most is the emotional instability.
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Not only am I not going to physically abuse her, but she's going to feel safe and protected
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physically when she's with me because I'm aware of what's going on.
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The financial hardship isn't something, fortunately, at this point in my life
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I make good income, and I'm prudent with my financial decision-making process,
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But the emotional, I think, instability is very, very difficult for men.
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Not more challenging than a woman, per se, but generally, it's different.
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We have a lot of different factors and considerations and fears and responsibilities
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than our female counterparts, again, just generally.
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So it's very demanding, and it's very difficult.
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And unless I have my healthy outlets working out, training, going on hunts,
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having other friends that I can call and talk with about these things,
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having a band of brothers that I can work through some of these issues with,
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it's going to be very less likely that I'm going to be emotionally stable.
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And of course, the last point is substance abuse.
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I mean, how many of you are abusing alcohol or abusing drugs,
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and what is that doing to the ability that you have to show up in a very powerful,
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So guys, when you're thinking about your relationship,
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and I really would encourage you to do an inventory.
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When you're thinking about the relationship that you have, ask yourself,
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Is this a deeply powerful, connected relationship?
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Does she know that she can lean on me if she has fears and doubts and worries and concerns?
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Does she know that I've got things taken care of financially,
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or how am I going to pay for groceries for our kids this week?
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And I realize all of us are in different places in our lives,
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but we should be working towards becoming this rock,
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And when you're doing that inventory with the relationship you have,
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a lot of guys will say, well, if only she, if she did this, if she did that,
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if she appreciated more, if this is this, and this is that.
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And while I can certainly see why you would want to look into some of those things,
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Why does she have these doubts and these insecurities?
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Why does she not want to be physically intimate with you?
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It might have to do with the instability that you've created, even subconsciously.
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And the beauty of that is that is all within your control.
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emotional stability, financial abundance, and physical prowess,
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of course, naturally, she's going to feel more safe,
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more secure, and open herself up to you physically, mentally, and emotionally.
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We can dive deeper into each of these topics, and I will, and I do.
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Make sure you're following on Instagram and Facebook, both at Ryan Michler,
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And then I've got some other new programs and courses that are going to be coming up here pretty quickly.
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And that's going to work guys who are going through divorces,
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work them through what to expect and how to navigate the first 12 months of a divorce.
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It's not for guys who are trying to win back their marriages, although it could be helpful.
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It's not for guys who have been divorced for a long period of time.
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It's specifically for men who are going through those very early stages of divorce
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and how to fix that and work on that for yourself from the financial uncertainty that comes with it
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to eventually at some end, you know, maybe later dating and getting back into the dating pool
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to working with her as a good co-parent to rebuilding relationships that you have with the kids
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to the financial and legal ramifications that come with divorce, all the things.
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So if you go to divorcenotdeath.com, you can drop your email in there,
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and I'll notify you when that course is available.
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Our job, I think, is men who want to be good providers, protectors, and presiders for and with our women
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It quite literally is the skeleton key that will open up all aspects of her to you.
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Again, emotional stability, financial abundance, and physical prowess.
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If you have any questions, comments, concerns, et cetera,
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or connect with me on Instagram or Facebook at ryanmickler.
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Until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.
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Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
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If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be,
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we invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.