Order of Man - July 19, 2024


Security is the Skeleton Key to Her Heart, Mind, and Body ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES


Episode Stats


Length

19 minutes

Words per minute

178.80296

Word count

3,567

Sentence count

197

Harmful content

Misogyny

8

sentences flagged

Hate speech

2

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, I talk about how to make your significant other feel safe and secure in your life and in your relationship. I discuss the three-pronged approach to making your partner feel secure and secure.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 There was a point in my life where I was broke.
00:00:03.080 I was worried about how I was going to make the next mortgage payment.
00:00:06.800 I mean, don't tell me that that's not going to negatively impact
00:00:10.340 the credibility, faith, and trust that your wife has in you.
00:00:14.280 But if she knows, hey, you know what?
00:00:16.480 Ryan's got it.
00:00:17.480 Steve's got it.
00:00:18.460 Joe's got it.
00:00:19.320 We're going to be prudent and smart with our money,
00:00:21.720 but I'm not worried about whether or not I spend $500 or $700 on grocery.
00:00:26.740 All of that stuff is taken care of.
00:00:28.380 Man, what a beautiful thing.
00:00:32.060 You're a man of action.
00:00:33.760 You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears,
00:00:36.400 and boldly chart your own path.
00:00:38.140 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
00:00:42.580 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
00:00:47.360 This is your life.
00:00:48.780 This is who you are.
00:00:50.180 This is who you will become at the end of the day.
00:00:53.120 And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
00:00:56.860 I talk with dozens of men every single week who are trying to rebuild
00:01:01.200 and rekindle a relationship with their spouse,
00:01:03.620 or maybe they're trying to establish a new, healthy relationship with a woman.
00:01:09.140 Regardless of the situation they're in,
00:01:11.160 there's one thing that I've found and determined over my own personal experience,
00:01:16.160 some good and some bad,
00:01:17.180 and after listening to thousands and thousands of men
00:01:21.200 that I believe is going to help you unlock access to her heart,
00:01:27.060 to her mind, and to her body.
00:01:29.480 And that is learning how to make her feel safe and secure.
00:01:32.940 It's not always a simple thing to do.
00:01:35.520 It's not always easy or convenient.
00:01:38.460 But I'm telling you guys,
00:01:39.680 if you really want to develop a deep, meaningful, and significant relationship
00:01:43.900 with your wife or significant other,
00:01:47.120 then you're going to have to learn how to keep her safe and secure.
00:01:50.420 I think outside of every other factor that comes into a healthy relationship,
00:01:54.960 if you can do that,
00:01:56.160 it begins to be the foundation for everything else that you might enjoy,
00:01:59.800 from joy and adventure and challenge and risk-taking
00:02:04.100 and happiness and laughter together.
00:02:06.520 But it all starts with this skeleton key of keeping her secure and safe.
00:02:12.160 Now, before I get into the conversation today,
00:02:14.260 I just want to mention my friends and the show sponsors over at Montana Knife Company.
00:02:19.020 Guys, if you're looking for a knife, and not just any knife,
00:02:22.320 an American-made knife from people in Montana doing good work,
00:02:26.080 doing good things, and bringing back American manufacturing,
00:02:29.200 then look no further than Montana Knife Company.
00:02:32.380 In fact, if you're listening to this on YouTube,
00:02:35.800 or watching this on YouTube, I should say,
00:02:37.940 I just stepped away for a second to grab my brand new knife from Montana Knife Company.
00:02:42.860 And it's called, I don't know if you can see that,
00:02:44.560 or if this camera will focus on this.
00:02:46.500 This is called the War Goat.
00:02:48.360 It's their very first tactical knife.
00:02:50.580 They've done a lot of hunting knives and culinary knives,
00:02:53.200 but this War Goat is their very first tactical knife.
00:02:56.680 So if you're looking for a great knife,
00:02:58.420 head over to montananifecompany.com.
00:03:01.100 And use the code ORDER OF MEN,
00:03:04.020 all one word at checkout,
00:03:05.480 to save some money when you do.
00:03:07.460 All right, guys, let's talk about how to best make her feel safe and secure.
00:03:11.000 I think she's looking for this more than anything else.
00:03:13.300 And as I said earlier,
00:03:14.800 it's the foundation for everything else that you want out of your relationship.
00:03:18.380 I think this is really a three-pronged approach.
00:03:20.600 And there might be some other things,
00:03:21.700 so you guys can feel free to chime in and leave some comments.
00:03:24.640 But number one is she is looking for emotional stability from you.
00:03:30.020 Now, in previous relationships,
00:03:31.900 I haven't always been the most emotionally stable.
00:03:35.340 And part of that was exacerbated by my drinking.
00:03:39.140 I've been pretty open about my battles with alcohol abuse.
00:03:44.420 And I know that when I was drinking,
00:03:47.140 obviously I was significantly more emotionally volatile.
00:03:50.420 And so what would happen is if she or even my kids came to me for advice
00:03:55.980 or simply to share about their day or talk with me
00:03:59.620 or try to connect in some way,
00:04:01.520 they never really knew who they were going to get.
00:04:04.060 Were they going to get the cool, calm, and collected version of me?
00:04:08.020 Or were they going to get the highly volatile, highly emotional,
00:04:11.620 very reactive version of me?
00:04:13.960 And that insecurity created doubt.
00:04:16.480 And because there was doubt,
00:04:18.740 it was less likely that her and my kids would come talk to me about relevant issues
00:04:24.040 or even just talk with me just to connect.
00:04:27.380 And then I would get mad that they would shut down and close down.
00:04:30.800 What I've found is that if you can be more emotionally stable,
00:04:35.200 then you're going to have a better likelihood of making her feel comfortable
00:04:39.500 in communicating with you.
00:04:41.480 This is a lot of that kind of conversation stems off a conversation I had several weeks ago
00:04:48.220 about the concept of vulnerability.
00:04:50.360 And I had mixed reviews on that and different definitions of the word vulnerability.
00:04:54.780 And while I can certainly understand where people are coming from,
00:04:57.960 I think it's very tempting for a guy to hear the concept of vulnerability
00:05:02.400 and think that he just gets to regurgitate or spew all of his bullshit and baggage 0.56
00:05:08.000 onto his significant other.
00:05:09.880 And I think that's a problem.
00:05:11.480 When you do it that way, you are not being emotionally intelligent.
00:05:16.280 It's very instable.
00:05:18.860 It's very confusing for other people.
00:05:21.980 And frankly, they're not there to solve your problems.
00:05:25.120 So when somebody comes to you, you need to be the emotional rock.
00:05:30.200 You need to be the beacon of stability.
00:05:32.440 You need to be the one that she can rely on.
00:05:34.460 That she knows without a doubt that when she comes to you,
00:05:38.280 you're not going to lash out.
00:05:39.820 You're not going to let your emotions dictate your reactivity.
00:05:43.580 You're going to respond in a very constructive and positive and healthy way.
00:05:47.740 When you do that, and she's confident that you can do that,
00:05:50.840 don't be surprised that the floodgates open and that she's more communicative with you
00:05:55.260 because she's safe.
00:05:56.560 She's comfortable to be able to do that.
00:05:58.980 And the communication will obviously spill over into every aspect of your relationship
00:06:05.200 with her.
00:06:06.080 So I'm not saying that you should never be emotional.
00:06:09.520 You can have feelings and you can express what your feelings are,
00:06:13.340 but the way that you do it matters.
00:06:15.080 And so it's very important, and this goes into something I've talked quite a bit about,
00:06:19.100 that we as men have outlets.
00:06:21.700 We're not going to let her be the outlet for our emotional burden and pain.
00:06:26.120 Again, we can share in an honest and humble way,
00:06:29.500 but we're not going to do it inappropriately.
00:06:31.700 This is why it's important to have hobbies, physical training,
00:06:35.860 other friends that you can talk with about some of these issues,
00:06:39.220 or just a way to release some of the frustration, anger, sorrow, guilt, remorse, sadness
00:06:44.760 that inevitably comes into your life.
00:06:47.320 Do not let it spill over into your relationship in inappropriate and unhealthy ways
00:06:51.920 because you're going to start to notice that she's going to shut down
00:06:54.560 physically, mentally, and emotionally.
00:06:57.580 Now, on the physical front, a lot of guys often want to be more intimate,
00:07:02.660 more frequently with their spouse.
00:07:05.160 Well, guys, I'm telling you, it's about the way that you're showing up.
00:07:08.440 Yes, physically and mentally, but also emotionally.
00:07:11.640 So if you feel yourself getting frustrated,
00:07:13.900 or you feel yourself too heavily vested in what she might be talking with you about,
00:07:18.900 learn to disengage, learn to take a step back,
00:07:22.740 learn to find other outlets where you can vent and release some of that stuff
00:07:26.820 so that you can always come to the table with her
00:07:28.760 and she knows exactly what she's going to get.
00:07:32.560 That's the emotional stability piece I'm talking about.
00:07:35.040 Number two, is she free from financial hardship?
00:07:39.380 Now, you guys know that the finances, the money situation,
00:07:43.200 is, according to research and polls,
00:07:46.300 one of the leading causes of friction and ultimately divorce in marriages.
00:07:52.660 So if you are living paycheck to paycheck,
00:07:55.640 and maybe you're not as disciplined as you can be with your money,
00:07:59.000 she's always going to be on edge.
00:08:01.560 She's always going to be uncomfortable. 0.99
00:08:04.060 If she has to check on every little expense with you
00:08:07.580 because you're broke and you're not doing what you need to be doing,
00:08:10.460 then that's going to create a lot of financial instability
00:08:12.820 and insecurity and frustration in her life.
00:08:16.980 And if she has those things in her life,
00:08:19.580 then it doesn't allow her to bloom and to blossom and to open up
00:08:23.320 and deeply engage in more relevant, important conversations
00:08:27.560 like the future and raising kids together and going on adventures
00:08:32.160 and what her own goals and interests and desires are
00:08:35.600 for the next year or five years or 10 years
00:08:37.680 because she's so consumed with the money piece.
00:08:40.640 And by the way, this is not exclusive to women.
00:08:42.980 When we are strapped financially,
00:08:44.940 then of course, we're going to be frustrated.
00:08:47.640 We're not going to be able to focus on growth.
00:08:49.700 We're in survival mode.
00:08:51.040 And then what does that do?
00:08:52.360 It leads to the first thing I talked about, emotional instability.
00:08:56.080 You're irritable.
00:08:57.320 You're agitated.
00:08:58.720 You might feel guilty about the way that you're performing.
00:09:02.220 So guys, it's imperative that we learn how to develop skills,
00:09:06.560 marketable skills that we can charge money for.
00:09:10.880 That we can go out into the market, present a solution,
00:09:13.840 present our skill set,
00:09:15.640 give that to individuals in exchange for compensation.
00:09:18.880 Also, you need to make sure that you manage your money correctly.
00:09:24.660 How many people are just living paycheck to paycheck?
00:09:27.460 And they're just, they're saying,
00:09:28.720 hey, I'm going to wait till Friday to get that thing or to do that thing
00:09:31.320 because that's when I get paid.
00:09:33.080 Guys, that's not the position that we want to be in.
00:09:35.700 And please don't misunderstand me.
00:09:37.740 I'm not telling you or even thinking less of you
00:09:39.940 because you might be in this boat.
00:09:41.860 There was a point in my life where I was broke.
00:09:44.700 I said this before, I would walk in my backyard,
00:09:49.220 this little path in my backyard.
00:09:50.740 And I walked it so much that I wore a dirt track into the grass
00:09:55.560 and I paced and I walked that
00:09:57.060 because I was worried about how I was going to make the next mortgage payment.
00:10:01.340 I mean, don't tell me that that's not going to negatively impact
00:10:04.900 the credibility, faith, and trust that your wife has in you.
00:10:08.420 But if she knows, hey, you know what?
00:10:11.300 Ryan's got it.
00:10:12.340 Steve's got it.
00:10:13.340 Joe's got it.
00:10:14.800 We're going to be prudent and smart with our money.
00:10:17.020 But I'm not worried about whether or not I spend $500 or $700 on groceries.
00:10:22.400 I'm not worried about us being able to make the mortgage payment.
00:10:25.860 I'm not worried about setting money aside for our kids' future and college tuition.
00:10:31.600 All of that stuff is taken care of.
00:10:33.360 Man, what a beautiful thing that you can then go in
00:10:37.380 and start talking about more significant things like,
00:10:40.600 what do you guys want to do in the future?
00:10:42.540 What are your hopes and desires and dreams?
00:10:44.940 What does retirement look like?
00:10:46.440 Where would you like to go on vacation?
00:10:48.440 And how can I treat you, my wife, and also my kids
00:10:51.540 to the family that I promised,
00:10:54.060 to the opportunities, I should say,
00:10:56.520 that I promised that I would create for you?
00:10:59.600 Guys, get your financial house in order.
00:11:01.580 Number one, stop the bleeding.
00:11:03.840 If you have unnecessary expenses, shut that down.
00:11:06.720 Number two, start paying off the debt.
00:11:08.960 Use Dave Ramsey's debt snowball.
00:11:10.520 That is the most effective way, bar none, to pay off debt.
00:11:14.080 I know there's other factors, but if you just look at the math,
00:11:17.420 the math says use the debt snowball.
00:11:19.820 And then while you're doing that, invest in marketable skills.
00:11:23.520 Go to your boss.
00:11:24.760 Ask for a promotion.
00:11:25.960 Look for a raise. 0.99
00:11:26.920 Look for other opportunities.
00:11:28.260 Start new businesses.
00:11:29.320 Do a side hustle.
00:11:30.180 But get your financial house in order
00:11:32.520 if you want to unlock access to, again,
00:11:35.520 her heart, her mind, and her body.
00:11:38.520 And guys, the last year,
00:11:39.460 the last thing that I wanted to talk with you about this,
00:11:41.140 and I think this goes without saying,
00:11:42.640 but it's very important,
00:11:44.040 and I'm going to give it a little bit more context.
00:11:45.780 Is she free from physical harm?
00:11:47.980 Now, I shouldn't have to say this,
00:11:49.460 and I'm not going to really beat a dead horse, pun intended,
00:11:51.880 when it comes to talking about being physically abusive or emotionally or even verbally abusive to her.
00:11:59.220 Obviously, that's not going to foster any sort of faith in you as her man.
00:12:04.120 So that just goes without saying, clearly, I hope.
00:12:08.300 But also, does she feel protected when she's out in public with you?
00:12:13.460 I heard Jocko one time say that sometimes a man has what another man wants,
00:12:20.260 but a woman always has what another man wants. 1.00
00:12:24.640 So she is, by default, a lot more vulnerable than a man.
00:12:30.380 The likelihood of me getting into some sort of physical altercation
00:12:34.200 or getting taken advantage of in public
00:12:36.740 is significantly less than her getting into a physical altercation,
00:12:42.340 sexually assaulted, or taken advantage of.
00:12:45.080 She is a lot more vulnerable than I am,
00:12:47.780 even just if you were to look at the differences between men and women.
00:12:51.560 So when she's out in public,
00:12:52.780 she has a greater concern than you do.
00:12:55.620 And it's your job as the man to ensure that she feels protected.
00:12:59.640 Are you strong?
00:13:01.020 Are you fit?
00:13:02.600 Do you have situational awareness?
00:13:04.580 Are you carrying a firearm?
00:13:05.960 Do you train with that firearm?
00:13:07.800 Are you looking and figuring out
00:13:10.080 how you can keep your family and her safe in certain circumstances?
00:13:13.680 If she has faith and confidence that you can do that,
00:13:16.800 man, the sky's the limit.
00:13:19.060 Alternatively, are you overweight?
00:13:21.420 Are you a bit of a slob?
00:13:22.780 Are you an easy target?
00:13:24.160 Is your head always buried in your phone when you're in public?
00:13:27.360 Are you not aware of what's going on in your surroundings?
00:13:29.940 Do you not have firearms?
00:13:31.120 Are you scared?
00:13:32.000 I know men who are scared of firearms.
00:13:35.200 That's unacceptable.
00:13:36.960 I'm not saying everybody has to have a firearm.
00:13:39.120 I think I would navigate towards that being the answer,
00:13:42.220 but you can't be scared of the tools that are available to you
00:13:45.200 to protect her and yourself.
00:13:46.620 So, guys, be fit.
00:13:48.880 Be strong.
00:13:49.840 And not to mention, don't you want to be somebody that she's proud to be on the shoulder of?
00:13:54.160 Man, when she's got her arm wrapped around you or wrapped in your arm or holding your hand,
00:13:58.340 don't you want her to be proud of the man that you are?
00:14:01.120 That might be a secondary conversation, but, guys, we can do so much better in this department.
00:14:07.960 I'll be honest.
00:14:08.800 The one that I struggle with the most is the emotional instability.
00:14:12.820 The physical harm is not an issue.
00:14:15.260 Not only am I not going to physically abuse her, but she's going to feel safe and protected
00:14:20.880 physically when she's with me because I'm aware of what's going on.
00:14:24.280 The financial hardship isn't something, fortunately, at this point in my life
00:14:27.720 that I have to concern myself with.
00:14:31.240 I make good income, and I'm prudent with my financial decision-making process,
00:14:35.800 and so that's not an issue.
00:14:37.240 But the emotional, I think, instability is very, very difficult for men.
00:14:42.180 It's challenging in a lot of ways to be a man.
00:14:45.260 Not more challenging than a woman, per se, but generally, it's different.
00:14:49.500 We have a lot of different factors and considerations and fears and responsibilities
00:14:54.960 than our female counterparts, again, just generally. 0.98
00:14:58.120 So it's very demanding, and it's very difficult.
00:15:00.820 And unless I have my healthy outlets working out, training, going on hunts,
00:15:07.240 having other friends that I can call and talk with about these things,
00:15:10.700 having a band of brothers that I can work through some of these issues with,
00:15:14.480 it's going to be very less likely that I'm going to be emotionally stable.
00:15:18.160 And of course, the last point is substance abuse.
00:15:21.360 I mean, how many of you are abusing alcohol or abusing drugs,
00:15:25.720 and what is that doing to the ability that you have to show up in a very powerful,
00:15:30.720 emotional, rational, level-headed way for her?
00:15:34.520 It's just impossible.
00:15:35.520 So guys, when you're thinking about your relationship,
00:15:39.740 and I really would encourage you to do an inventory.
00:15:42.780 When you're thinking about the relationship that you have, ask yourself,
00:15:46.640 is this what I want?
00:15:49.960 Is this a deeply powerful, connected relationship?
00:15:53.620 Does she feel safe physically with me?
00:15:56.440 Does she know that she can lean on me if she has fears and doubts and worries and concerns?
00:16:02.060 Does she know that I've got things taken care of financially,
00:16:05.620 where she's not going to have to worry about,
00:16:07.580 are we going to have a roof over our head,
00:16:09.380 or how am I going to pay for groceries for our kids this week?
00:16:12.260 We don't want our women in that space. 1.00
00:16:15.920 And I realize all of us are in different places in our lives,
00:16:19.200 but we should be working towards becoming this rock,
00:16:23.300 physically, mentally, and emotionally.
00:16:25.960 And when you're doing that inventory with the relationship you have,
00:16:29.640 a lot of guys will say, well, if only she, if she did this, if she did that,
00:16:34.600 if she appreciated more, if this is this, and this is that.
00:16:37.880 And while I can certainly see why you would want to look into some of those things,
00:16:41.920 I'd have you reflect that projection inward.
00:16:46.260 Why is she not doing those things? 1.00
00:16:49.100 Why is she not open, as open as she could be?
00:16:52.600 Why does she have these doubts and these insecurities?
00:16:54.980 Why is she closed off?
00:16:56.160 Why doesn't she talk to you? 1.00
00:16:57.520 Why does she not want to be physically intimate with you? 1.00
00:17:00.800 It might have to do with the instability that you've created, even subconsciously.
00:17:07.000 And there's a lot of things you can do.
00:17:08.400 And the beauty of that is that is all within your control.
00:17:11.140 And inevitably, when you work on these things,
00:17:14.800 emotional stability, financial abundance, and physical prowess,
00:17:19.640 of course, naturally, she's going to feel more safe,
00:17:23.320 more secure, and open herself up to you physically, mentally, and emotionally.
00:17:30.000 So I hope that helps you guys.
00:17:31.760 We can dive deeper into each of these topics, and I will, and I do.
00:17:35.300 Make sure you're following on Instagram and Facebook, both at Ryan Michler,
00:17:39.860 because I talk a lot about these things there.
00:17:42.040 And then I've got some other new programs and courses that are going to be coming up here pretty quickly.
00:17:45.940 One is called Divorce, Not Death.
00:17:49.160 And that's going to work guys who are going through divorces,
00:17:52.440 work them through what to expect and how to navigate the first 12 months of a divorce.
00:17:57.220 It's not for guys who are trying to win back their marriages, although it could be helpful.
00:18:02.840 It's not for guys who have been divorced for a long period of time.
00:18:06.020 It's specifically for men who are going through those very early stages of divorce
00:18:10.160 and how to fix that and work on that for yourself from the financial uncertainty that comes with it
00:18:17.160 to eventually at some end, you know, maybe later dating and getting back into the dating pool
00:18:22.320 to working with her as a good co-parent to rebuilding relationships that you have with the kids
00:18:28.460 to the financial and legal ramifications that come with divorce, all the things.
00:18:32.940 So if you go to divorcenotdeath.com, you can drop your email in there,
00:18:37.500 and I'll notify you when that course is available.
00:18:39.040 But guys, we got a lot of work to do.
00:18:40.960 Our job, I think, is men who want to be good providers, protectors, and presiders for and with our women
00:18:48.300 need to focus on creating safety and security.
00:18:53.620 It quite literally is the skeleton key that will open up all aspects of her to you.
00:18:58.300 Again, emotional stability, financial abundance, and physical prowess.
00:19:03.660 I hope that serves you guys.
00:19:04.700 If you have any questions, comments, concerns, et cetera,
00:19:06.940 shoot me an email, ryan at orderofman.com,
00:19:09.840 or connect with me on Instagram or Facebook at ryanmickler.
00:19:15.040 All right, guys, we'll be back next week.
00:19:16.460 Until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.
00:19:20.340 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
00:19:25.800 If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be,
00:19:29.820 we invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.
00:19:32.960 We'll be right back.
00:19:33.460 We'll be right back.
00:19:33.780 We'll be right back.
00:19:34.820 It's going to be hard.
00:19:44.080 It's going to be hard.
00:19:44.320 We'll be right back.
00:19:54.060 We'll be right back.