Order of Man - June 12, 2024


Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, Men Lack Confidence, and the Benjamin Franklin Effect ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING


Episode Stats

Length

55 minutes

Words per Minute

177.4994

Word Count

9,895

Sentence Count

894

Misogynist Sentences

11

Hate Speech Sentences

14


Summary

In this episode, the brother and sister duo of the sit down and answer some of your most pressing questions. Topics include: 1. What is a man of action? 2. What does it take to be a man? 3. How do you deal with stress? 4. How can you handle it? 5. What s the difference between a man and a woman?


Transcript

00:00:00.000 For a lot of us, we should focus on fewer things, but go deeper into those things.
00:00:06.260 I'm not going to do as many things.
00:00:08.080 I'm going to do fewer things, but I'm going to go deeper and I'm going to become more
00:00:12.240 proficient in the fewer things that I do.
00:00:14.500 It might be really hard for you when you're so focused on a million things because you
00:00:18.960 are probably equating to some degree personal worth with maximum productivity and you're
00:00:26.000 equating maximum productivity with doing a bunch of shit, running around all the time.
00:00:32.680 You're a man of action.
00:00:33.940 You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
00:00:38.740 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time.
00:00:42.160 Every time you are not easily deterred, defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
00:00:48.280 This is your life.
00:00:49.360 This is who you are.
00:00:50.780 This is who you will become at the end of the day.
00:00:53.360 And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
00:00:58.060 Kip, what's up, man?
00:00:59.160 Great to see you.
00:01:00.000 It's not like we got enough of each other last week, but here we are again.
00:01:03.480 And both of us seem like we're mad scrambling today.
00:01:06.860 So yeah, it's been a little crazy since I got home, but we're making it work today.
00:01:13.200 Yeah, there was some simplicity to our schedule last week, which was pretty much wake up, same
00:01:18.420 time every day, throw on the same clothes from the hunt before, rinse and repeat five days
00:01:25.440 in a row.
00:01:26.020 It was very simplistic, but it was funny.
00:01:29.580 I was telling someone today, I was like, I know it was holiday for me, like vacation,
00:01:34.380 but it felt like a little bit of a grind.
00:01:37.620 It's good to be back to work a little bit.
00:01:39.880 But look, I don't know about, well, I do know about you, actually.
00:01:43.560 I think I can speak for you on this one.
00:01:45.020 You tell me if I'm wrong, but I don't, I don't like the vacation, the traditional vacation
00:01:49.800 thing.
00:01:50.340 I'm, for me, that's stupid.
00:01:53.520 You're just supposed to sit there and just do nothing.
00:01:57.020 Like I don't, I'm running when I'm on vacation, but this to me out hunting and we were hunting
00:02:02.500 in Hawaii, out there hunting, running around, packing deer, breaking deer down, like hiking
00:02:10.140 to me, that's vacation.
00:02:12.300 It's, it's not just an absence of anything significant and meaningful for me.
00:02:16.800 It's just a different pace than ordinary everyday life.
00:02:20.900 So I loved it.
00:02:21.840 I had such a great, that's vacation to me.
00:02:23.860 Yeah.
00:02:24.440 It was, are you tired from last week?
00:02:27.840 I'm exhausted.
00:02:29.360 Yeah.
00:02:29.840 I'm exhausted.
00:02:30.600 Yeah.
00:02:31.140 Like I got home at one o'clock a couple of nights ago and yeah, last night I couldn't
00:02:38.940 sleep.
00:02:39.340 I told you I got a new puppy.
00:02:40.940 I was scheduled to pick up a new puppy when I got home.
00:02:43.280 So the puppy's right here laying on the floor, not in the 90% of the space that it should lay,
00:02:49.500 but in the 10% pulling cords out of the wall.
00:02:53.700 I'm like, what the hell is wrong with you?
00:02:55.300 But I don't, I don't know why I do the things I do to myself sometimes, but here we are in
00:03:01.480 this situation.
00:03:02.140 So like getting a puppy.
00:03:04.040 Yeah.
00:03:04.340 I'm like, what were you thinking?
00:03:05.880 Actually?
00:03:06.540 I wasn't, I wasn't.
00:03:08.040 And doing this podcast, I'm like, I should have just, we should have recorded beforehand
00:03:12.360 or, you know, something so that we can play catch up when we get back.
00:03:15.580 But, you know, we all got work to do.
00:03:17.880 So let's get after it.
00:03:20.000 Yeah, absolutely.
00:03:21.320 Absolutely.
00:03:21.900 All right.
00:03:22.180 We're going to fill the questions from a number of sources.
00:03:25.620 So let's get, let's get to them.
00:03:27.520 So T, T, we better say, we better say first though, Kip, we don't have a headline today.
00:03:32.880 We normally do.
00:03:33.920 But again, this is in, in our, our mad screen.
00:03:37.640 We didn't even know we were going to record this morning.
00:03:39.340 So in our mad scramble, you know, that got, that got left out.
00:03:42.520 So sorry, guys, we'll, we'll make it up to you next week.
00:03:45.580 Yeah.
00:03:46.000 We'll get some good headlines next week.
00:03:48.080 Yeah.
00:03:48.900 All right.
00:03:49.700 T-O the coyote, is there a version of order of man, but for women?
00:03:53.780 And I've heard you, of course, answer this question before, but it's a good reminder
00:03:57.300 for those that have not heard.
00:04:00.180 Yeah, there is.
00:04:01.040 It's called revitalized womanhood.
00:04:02.680 It's run by a woman named Gina Trimmer, who happens to be the wife of Rick Trimmer, who
00:04:07.480 we were hunting with last week.
00:04:08.900 So we have a really good relationship, me and their family.
00:04:12.560 They've got wonderful kids.
00:04:14.440 We've been to Costa Rica together.
00:04:16.300 We've broken bread together.
00:04:17.740 We've spent a lot of time together.
00:04:19.240 Rick and I are business partners.
00:04:20.720 Obviously we hunt together.
00:04:22.080 So if a woman's looking for something similar to what we're doing here, but specifically
00:04:26.220 in the vein of, of womanhood, then check out revitalized womanhood with Gina Trimmer.
00:04:31.080 And then she's got her revitalized sisterhood, which is the, the, the woman's parallel to
00:04:37.060 the iron council, our exclusive brotherhood.
00:04:39.240 And by the way, that opens up on Friday, this Friday, the 14th.
00:04:42.680 So be aware of that.
00:04:44.700 Excellent.
00:04:45.720 All right.
00:04:46.180 Vibing with Sean, what the top five off grid self-reliant skills you learned while living
00:04:53.420 in Maine that a 30 year old man should probably start learning right now?
00:04:58.240 You know, one thing that a lot of, I don't know that I learned an off, like a lot of
00:05:02.760 off-grid stuff in Maine.
00:05:03.960 I, I lived in a house in Maine.
00:05:08.060 I, uh, there are people that live in Maine.
00:05:10.720 There's only like a million, you know, 1.2 million people, but there are people in Maine,
00:05:15.920 believe it or not.
00:05:16.980 Uh, so yeah, I don't know if it's Maine that, you know, made me this survival expert necessarily.
00:05:23.740 Um, but in the spirit of the question, the one thing that I think about quite often is
00:05:31.900 cause you're going to hear all the same answers, you know, shelter, water, food, fire, these
00:05:38.720 sorts of things, all good and important things, bug out bag, like what you should have, that
00:05:43.980 sort of thing, I think more than anything, I'm trying to be precise with my language here
00:05:51.660 more than anything, the single most important skill that you can have is critical thinking
00:06:01.060 and problem solving because it's, I think in a situation like that, you're going to have
00:06:09.220 to be completely creative based on the circumstances that you will find yourself in.
00:06:17.700 So very small example that we had a little, a little incident where a pipe may or may not
00:06:23.620 have been shot with an arrow this, this past weekend.
00:06:27.900 And I saw the patch job that may or may not have taken place.
00:06:31.880 And it was pretty creative.
00:06:34.320 It's not like we had, you know, we didn't have the actual sleeve and the clamps and the
00:06:39.900 right tools and the hose that was the right diameter.
00:06:42.860 So you make do with what you have and that's what these guys did.
00:06:46.660 And it wasn't a hundred percent perfect, but it was 90 and that got us where we needed to
00:06:52.220 be until we were able to fix the pipe properly.
00:06:54.420 So creative problem solving, I think is the number one skill that you could have being
00:07:02.020 able to look at your surroundings, look at your environment, uh, see things that other
00:07:07.780 people may not look for resources, whether it's string or trash or garbage or debris.
00:07:14.560 I see a lot of these television shows like alone where people will find trash that floats
00:07:20.440 up to shore.
00:07:21.140 And one of the rules is if they find it out in the woods that they can use it for their
00:07:25.320 survival.
00:07:26.380 And these people are finding plastic and, and barrels and old parts of boats and things
00:07:34.080 like this that they're actually using.
00:07:35.780 And that is a huge, huge skill that I think is often overlooked in those survival scenarios.
00:07:41.520 So yeah, I could get into the, learn how to start a fire with a bow drill and a flint, multiple
00:07:46.520 ways to start a fire.
00:07:47.400 That's important.
00:07:48.420 Learn how to source water.
00:07:49.700 I think land nav is something that's, that's crucial that a lot of people don't have.
00:07:54.620 We use that last week when we were out hiking in, in Hawaii, there was places that we went
00:07:59.420 that we've never been before.
00:08:00.960 And what was interesting is you could find your way back.
00:08:05.780 Even if you've walked a mile, you could find your way back.
00:08:08.940 Even if there wasn't a road, just because of our human intuition, imagine honing that and
00:08:14.160 refining that to the nth degree.
00:08:16.320 And that's what you can do if you're actually focused on it.
00:08:19.580 So there are a lot of skills and everybody knows what they are.
00:08:22.240 But for me, I'm just going to answer that by saying, learn to develop critical thinking
00:08:26.420 skills and being creative.
00:08:29.140 And I think that will make up for a lot of lack in a situation like that.
00:08:34.360 Yeah.
00:08:34.500 I like your approach to this and not doing the typicals.
00:08:38.480 I can't help but run with that idea and think, well, geez, okay.
00:08:43.700 How often do we not talk about off grid or self-reliance skills and say, how's your fitness?
00:08:50.720 How's your emotional intelligence?
00:08:52.400 Are you reliant on any type of meds that you could potentially get off of?
00:08:59.140 Like, if you don't have emotional resilience, you're not healthy.
00:09:05.840 It doesn't matter what skills you have around making fires and other things.
00:09:10.100 You're going to have problems.
00:09:11.300 And so I love that idea of, of kind of getting our crap together as individuals, as, as part
00:09:19.160 of kind of the most important off grid self-reliant capability period.
00:09:24.040 Yeah.
00:09:25.760 Yeah.
00:09:26.240 I wrote those things down.
00:09:27.680 You know, you have these three, I think primarily three realms of, of, of health, I would say.
00:09:32.740 And that's your physical health, your mental health, and your emotional health.
00:09:36.280 You might throw spiritual health in there too.
00:09:38.400 I think that would also be important, but yeah, it's crucial that we develop all of
00:09:43.040 these.
00:09:43.460 Most men know obviously to develop the physical health, but how do you develop the emotional?
00:09:47.160 How do you develop the mental?
00:09:48.240 Because when you're in a challenging situation like that, it's your mind that's going to keep
00:09:52.160 you engaged and alive.
00:09:54.760 You're going to be very emotional.
00:09:56.420 And when we're emotional and we're making decisions emotionally, we make bad decisions
00:10:01.380 because we aren't taking into consideration other factors, rational and critical thinking skills.
00:10:06.020 So these are all elements, factors of health that we should focus on.
00:10:11.320 And we can talk a lot about that and we have, and we will continue to do that.
00:10:15.000 Yeah.
00:10:15.280 Have you ever, let me ask you if you ever do this, because I do this personally is sometimes
00:10:20.300 if I get emotionally or kind of riled up or I'm upset at something, one of the tactics
00:10:25.180 I use to kind of level set is Kip, if, if you can't deal with this circumstance, what makes
00:10:32.660 you think that you can deal with even more important things?
00:10:36.660 And it kind of puts me in the mindset of like, yeah, this isn't that big of a deal.
00:10:41.960 And if, and if, if this is kind of bothering me a lot emotionally, that's a problem because
00:10:49.100 in the grand scheme of things, this isn't that critical.
00:10:52.800 This isn't that big of a thing.
00:10:54.440 And I need to level up in this circumstance.
00:10:56.440 Do you ever do anything like that?
00:10:58.120 Yeah, I think there's perspective, right?
00:11:01.000 And, and I often look at what other men are capable of there.
00:11:04.060 There's often the thing that we hear is comparison trap.
00:11:06.740 The comparison trap that leads you to inaction is unhealthy, but the comparison that leads
00:11:12.020 you to action and inspiration is actually very healthy.
00:11:15.600 So if I look at what you're doing from, let's say a business perspective, Kip, and I'm demoralized
00:11:22.120 and I feel victimized and it leads me to sitting around feeling like anything I do is futile,
00:11:29.980 that's a problem.
00:11:30.960 That's the comparison trap that most people are aware of.
00:11:33.820 But alternatively, if I look at what you're doing and I think, man, Kip's killing it.
00:11:37.760 Like, look at this business he started.
00:11:39.300 Look at these contacts he's making.
00:11:40.940 Look at this income he's been able to create for him and his family.
00:11:43.940 And I'm inspired by that.
00:11:46.420 Hey, if Kip can do that, man, surely I can.
00:11:48.480 What can I learn from him?
00:11:49.360 What can I learn from other people?
00:11:50.440 That's also a comparison, but that's a healthy way of looking at it.
00:11:56.680 So everything is just the perspective and the lens in which you look through your experiences
00:12:01.980 of life.
00:12:02.920 So what might cripple one person absolutely won't faze another.
00:12:08.600 You did say something that I don't actually like the phrasing of, and I don't think you
00:12:13.540 mean this.
00:12:14.020 And you and I have had conversations on and offline about this.
00:12:16.960 You said, if I can't deal with this, I don't like that phrasing.
00:12:22.340 And I'll tell you why.
00:12:23.420 And I don't actually think you mean this, but I don't like the phrasing because I think
00:12:26.920 most people, when they say that, they mean stuff it, stuff it, right?
00:12:32.740 Like, Oh, if I can't deal with this client being upset with me, then I can't deal with
00:12:37.800 other hard things.
00:12:38.500 What that means to me when I hear that is just stuff that shit down.
00:12:42.660 Uh, not address it, just like not address it or whatever.
00:12:45.580 Right.
00:12:46.760 Yeah.
00:12:46.960 So I don't think you mean that because I know you, but I think that's what most people
00:12:52.580 believe, especially in the realm of manliness and masculinity.
00:12:55.620 Oh, just deal with it.
00:12:56.920 It means just shut up and do it.
00:12:59.080 Yeah.
00:12:59.580 Avoid it.
00:13:00.360 Avoid confronting your emotions or your feelings or whatever.
00:13:03.700 Just yeah.
00:13:04.540 Pretend they're not there.
00:13:05.240 Life's tough.
00:13:05.820 Deal with it.
00:13:07.140 What does that mean?
00:13:07.940 That means get over it.
00:13:09.900 Yeah.
00:13:10.220 It's actually not healthy and not constructive.
00:13:12.800 Yeah.
00:13:12.920 It's process it, learn from it, grow from it.
00:13:15.880 Yeah, exactly.
00:13:16.940 So, and I think that's what you meant when you say those words, but I just, I think semantics
00:13:21.700 are important and can be important unless you're just debating stupid things.
00:13:25.640 But I think that's really important that we develop our emotional intelligence, not by
00:13:31.040 quote unquote, just deal with it, but by actually dealing with it, actually addressing it.
00:13:36.800 So if you're upset or you're mad about something to me, dealing with it would be more appropriately.
00:13:43.860 Why am I upset?
00:13:45.440 Why do I feel this way?
00:13:47.320 Why do I believe the things I believe about this person or this experience right now?
00:13:51.480 What can I learn from it?
00:13:52.900 How do I move forward?
00:13:54.040 So if somebody's looking at some, some situation, maybe they got into a little fender bender
00:13:59.000 and they're losing their damn mind.
00:14:01.640 And I've seen people do this.
00:14:03.040 They're losing their mind over it, but they have this moment of clarity.
00:14:05.520 Like, Hey, if I can't deal with a little fender bender, how am I going to deal with my wife
00:14:10.240 being diagnosed with cancer or something catastrophic like that?
00:14:13.620 Right?
00:14:13.960 Yeah.
00:14:14.220 In those moments, think to yourself, what can I do to build up some emotional resiliency
00:14:21.940 and fortitude so that when a situation like this happens, it's not that big a deal.
00:14:28.080 One thing I think of in that scenario, and this is how they're all intertwined, is if
00:14:33.480 you're upset about a little fender bender, there might be two things happening.
00:14:37.120 There's probably an infinite number of things that are happening, but two things.
00:14:40.000 Number one, you're stressed for time.
00:14:42.140 You're like, I don't have time for this bullshit right now.
00:14:45.260 And then you freak out.
00:14:47.080 Number two, you're stressed for money.
00:14:50.360 Oh my gosh, I got a thousand dollar deductible.
00:14:52.740 I got to pay this thousand dollars because this jack off hit me.
00:14:55.140 And now I got to deal with this and I don't have any money and I'm supposed to, you know,
00:14:58.720 pay for my kid's football thing.
00:15:00.980 Okay.
00:15:01.400 Well, there's other scenarios that we need to deal with.
00:15:04.000 You need to deal with time management.
00:15:05.840 You need to deal with financial management.
00:15:08.540 Then when you deal with all of these things appropriately, and I'm using your language,
00:15:11.960 the deal with, right?
00:15:12.980 You deal with these things appropriately.
00:15:16.760 Then everything else becomes less relevant.
00:15:22.020 You know, if you're in a good financial spot and you have to pay a $500 deductible, it's not
00:15:26.100 going to be exciting to you, but it's manageable.
00:15:28.900 If you're not stressed for time because you've managed your time and your schedule correctly
00:15:34.380 and you have buffer built into your day and somebody happens to bump into you or back into
00:15:39.140 you in the parking lot.
00:15:40.440 Yeah, it's not ideal, but it's okay.
00:15:42.660 Like you have time.
00:15:43.700 You'll be able to manage it appropriately.
00:15:45.500 So all of these things that we talk about, they're, they're just so interconnected.
00:15:50.480 And if you improve in one aspect of your life, the other, all the other aspects will get
00:15:55.380 better.
00:15:56.200 That's why I tell guys, just go to the gym.
00:15:58.340 If you feel like shit, go to the gym.
00:16:00.480 Well, but I feel like shit.
00:16:01.720 I know, I know you do.
00:16:02.860 I know emotionally you're going through a hard time, but just go to the gym.
00:16:06.760 You're going to, trust me, you will feel better.
00:16:11.400 You're going to burn up energy.
00:16:12.920 You're going to release certain chemicals in your body that are going to help you quite
00:16:16.980 literally physiologically feel better over time.
00:16:20.520 You're going to look better, which is going to drive up energy production.
00:16:24.360 You're going to be more productive, which is going to help you feel better about yourself.
00:16:27.620 You're going to make more money.
00:16:28.440 You're going to get more attention from the opposite sex.
00:16:31.400 Everything's going to be better if you go work out.
00:16:35.440 Yeah.
00:16:36.460 So I love the fact that they're all intertwined the way they are.
00:16:39.960 Yeah.
00:16:40.340 It's so nice.
00:16:40.960 So drugstore Cowboy 70, his question, why did you leave Maine?
00:16:48.600 I left Maine because I went through a divorce.
00:16:52.920 My ex-wife asked for a divorce in August.
00:17:02.600 Was it August?
00:17:04.240 It's going to be a year already.
00:17:08.320 Well, no.
00:17:10.060 Since it started.
00:17:10.960 Two years ago.
00:17:14.800 Isn't that crazy?
00:17:16.440 So she asked for a divorce and I spent six months trying to salvage the marriage, repair
00:17:23.160 the marriage, work on it.
00:17:24.640 But by then it was too little, too late for her.
00:17:27.420 So we had made the decision to move back to Utah.
00:17:31.660 Fortunately, we still are amicable and we have a good working relationship for our kids.
00:17:35.900 That would be hard if we didn't.
00:17:37.020 And I know a lot of guys are in that situation.
00:17:39.040 I'm not, fortunately.
00:17:41.820 So we're from southern Utah.
00:17:44.080 We thought, based on this set of life events, that it would be better for the kids to be here
00:17:50.540 where they have a lot of friends and support and her family is all here.
00:17:53.960 So she would have support and friends.
00:17:58.140 So, yeah, we decided to move back early last year.
00:18:02.320 So about a year and a half ago, we moved back to Utah.
00:18:06.420 And I didn't really want to move back initially.
00:18:09.140 But of course, if my kids are going to be here, I'm not going to be in Maine.
00:18:14.820 But I'm actually really glad I'm here.
00:18:16.800 You know, re-establish old friendships.
00:18:20.320 I love southern Utah.
00:18:21.820 It's an amazing, amazing place to live.
00:18:23.960 There's good people outdoors.
00:18:27.200 I've met the woman I'm dating now.
00:18:28.840 We've been dating for about six months.
00:18:30.640 And if I didn't come back, I wouldn't have met her.
00:18:33.060 I mean, there's so many amazing things about being back in southern Utah.
00:18:36.900 And I would be happy, too, if I was in Maine.
00:18:38.960 So it's often interesting to me when you hear people who think that if I go here, I'll be better.
00:18:46.540 If I go there, I'll be better.
00:18:48.100 No, you'll be better wherever you decide to be better.
00:18:51.060 And I was a little bitter when we came back because I didn't want to.
00:18:55.280 But I fully embraced it.
00:18:56.960 I jumped in, called up old friends, found some new hobbies,
00:19:01.160 engaged in the local opportunities, and I feel really good about being back.
00:19:09.380 It's interesting how people look at your circumstance and go,
00:19:14.440 well, what's the right place?
00:19:16.980 Is Utah the right place or is Maine the right place?
00:19:20.620 Like, it's one or the other.
00:19:22.440 And we do that all the time in decisions.
00:19:24.420 And we even had this conversation around, like, even when people are dating and looking for spouses,
00:19:30.940 how often we have this mindset of, like, it's black and white.
00:19:34.960 Well, it's the person or it's the location.
00:19:37.660 And it's like, actually, it could be both.
00:19:40.420 And you could thrive in both locations really well.
00:19:43.420 And it's more about how you show up in those circumstances and those situations than it is really the location itself.
00:19:49.680 Yeah, one thing that I always kind of chuckled at, and I used to be LDS Mormon.
00:19:56.240 You still are, Kip.
00:19:57.160 I used to be.
00:19:58.180 I'm no longer.
00:20:00.000 But one thing that I always laughed at was when people – so for those who don't quite understand the culture,
00:20:05.900 and there's a lot to it, but one aspect is every – I don't even remember.
00:20:11.060 Is it the first Sunday or the fourth – no, it's the fifth Sunday of every month is testimony meeting.
00:20:15.720 Right?
00:20:16.020 Is that right?
00:20:16.600 First – you've already forgotten.
00:20:18.360 Dude, I've already forgotten.
00:20:19.380 It's the first Sunday of every month.
00:20:20.520 First Sunday.
00:20:21.240 First Sunday.
00:20:22.060 First Sunday.
00:20:23.540 Yeah, first Sunday of every month where people would get up and they would just share their testimony, their current testimony.
00:20:31.020 And every once in a while, people would get up and they're like, oh, I really prayed to God about where I should live and, like, is this right or is that right?
00:20:39.180 And we really felt inspired to move here.
00:20:41.960 I'm like, you know what?
00:20:43.800 God doesn't care where you live.
00:20:45.220 I 100% – and I remember thinking that at a time.
00:20:50.020 God does not care where you live.
00:20:52.540 He is going to give you opportunities.
00:20:55.020 He is going to put people in front of you.
00:20:57.420 He is going to turn even a bad decision into a good one if you listen.
00:21:02.240 Like, he doesn't care.
00:21:05.100 He cares.
00:21:05.740 Don't get me wrong.
00:21:06.220 He cares, but it's irrelevant in the scheme of eternity where you live.
00:21:11.840 Just make the best of where you are and look for opportunities that present themselves.
00:21:18.960 Ask for his direction and guidance, and you will find whatever it is you're looking for wherever you happen to go.
00:21:26.600 So, yeah.
00:21:28.760 Well, and this is that paradox of choice.
00:21:33.180 And we get wrapped up into having so many choices of what is the right choice.
00:21:40.260 And your relationship with the choosing process dictates the success of the choice more than the choice itself.
00:21:49.920 And it's fascinating that people – that we get wrapped up and we almost hinder and hurt ourselves through that mindset of what is the right thing versus how do I – like, just making the best of the thing itself.
00:22:07.760 Yeah.
00:22:08.520 You want to – you know what?
00:22:09.720 I have a really interesting experience in this.
00:22:12.480 When we moved to Maine, in fact.
00:22:14.060 So, we moved to Maine.
00:22:15.880 We moved our family from southern Utah to Maine, so quite literally across the country.
00:22:20.700 And we're excited, and we get there, and, you know, everybody that we met is cordial and friendly and curious about who the new people are.
00:22:29.500 And they either – when you're in Maine, when you're a Mainer, a Mainer is somebody who's born and raised in Maine.
00:22:36.260 And you could live there for 40 years, but if you weren't born in Maine, you're not a Mainer.
00:22:40.100 You never will be.
00:22:41.760 So, you have to be born in Maine.
00:22:44.060 And so, you're a Mainer.
00:22:45.180 So, the Mainers would say people that – from outside the state, they would call them either Flatlanders or from away.
00:22:53.840 Oh, you're from away.
00:22:55.780 Like, it's some other fairytale land in, you know, Cinderella or something.
00:23:01.020 You're from away.
00:23:02.120 Like, nothing else is relevant.
00:23:03.660 You're from away.
00:23:04.240 You're from somewhere else or a Flatlander, which is ironic because we have more hills and mountains than we do.
00:23:10.560 I was going to say, yeah, Maine's not, like, mountainous, so.
00:23:13.520 Right.
00:23:13.840 That's funny.
00:23:14.540 But you are.
00:23:15.040 You're a Flatlander.
00:23:16.160 So, we moved to Maine, and we have a really good experience, you know, but we immerse ourselves in the culture.
00:23:21.900 Like, we get to know our neighbors.
00:23:23.160 My ex-wife brought things by to neighbors and introduced ourselves.
00:23:27.100 And we tried to get involved in community events.
00:23:30.540 And I was involved really heavily with origin and training with those guys and meeting people.
00:23:35.040 We tried to get really involved.
00:23:36.020 And I had a neighbor who happened to move from away to Maine who told me, he said, oh, man, you guys are going to have a hard time here.
00:23:46.800 And I said, really?
00:23:48.800 What makes you say that?
00:23:50.000 What do you mean?
00:23:50.980 He's like, oh, people, Mainers, like people from here, they don't like people from away.
00:23:56.040 They don't like anybody else coming in here and they'll treat you different.
00:24:00.740 And I believe that for him.
00:24:04.920 I believe that they will treat him differently because he believes that.
00:24:09.540 And so, he's projecting onto other people and they're treating him differently.
00:24:14.140 And even if they're not, he's perceiving it as being treated that way.
00:24:18.600 I didn't have that bias.
00:24:21.260 It hadn't been my experience.
00:24:23.380 In fact, I came in with an open mind and an open heart to the way people would receive us.
00:24:28.600 And it was beautiful.
00:24:29.780 I never once felt like these people didn't want us here.
00:24:33.980 They were curious.
00:24:35.520 They were engaged.
00:24:37.400 I loved it.
00:24:38.940 So, how can two people who live so close to each other and moved into this place have two completely different experiences?
00:24:46.940 Perception.
00:24:48.060 That's it.
00:24:49.580 He perceived that people would have a difficult time with him and they did.
00:24:53.500 I perceived that they wouldn't and they didn't.
00:24:56.520 That's it.
00:24:57.140 That's the only difference.
00:24:58.440 And they become self-fulfilling prophecies.
00:25:02.180 Yes.
00:25:02.320 So, the individual that has the perspective that they're not welcome and there's a, I don't know, neighborhood picnic.
00:25:08.800 Do they go to the picnic?
00:25:10.520 No, they don't.
00:25:12.660 And people see that they don't.
00:25:14.380 And then people go, oh, they're not interested in having a relationship with us.
00:25:20.120 So, then they distance themselves because you distanced yourself.
00:25:24.400 And then what do you know?
00:25:26.120 It, they're not welcoming.
00:25:28.620 Right.
00:25:29.060 It's all rooted in how you showed up.
00:25:31.720 Yeah.
00:25:32.200 You know, there is one other lesson here that I want to share with people.
00:25:35.860 If, if, man, if you do move somewhere, I want you to hear me very clearly.
00:25:41.380 It is not other people's responsibility to welcome you there.
00:25:48.200 Now, should they?
00:25:49.260 They should be, yes, they should be neighborly.
00:25:51.800 They should be brotherly.
00:25:53.440 They should outreach.
00:25:54.700 They should connect.
00:25:55.540 They should attempt to get you involved in the community.
00:25:57.660 Absolutely, they should.
00:25:59.220 It is not their responsibility to do it.
00:26:02.640 You know whose responsibility is?
00:26:04.380 Yours.
00:26:05.380 You're in their neighborhood.
00:26:07.400 You're the one who interjected in their culture.
00:26:09.860 So, if you want to get involved in the community and want people to like you and want to build connections and resources and a community around you, you have to do it.
00:26:23.400 Which is what we did.
00:26:25.020 Visited neighbors, got involved in community projects.
00:26:27.940 When there was picnics and other parades, we went to them.
00:26:31.740 We introduced ourselves to people.
00:26:33.660 It was our responsibility.
00:26:35.780 And we were welcomed with open arms.
00:26:37.780 And that's actually, I like it that way.
00:26:42.640 Because if I'm sitting around waiting for other people to do what I think they ought to do to help me feel welcome or comfortable, I'm going to be waiting a very, very long time.
00:26:52.600 As a man, I would rather have that completely within my control.
00:26:56.160 And it is.
00:26:56.800 Now, I'm not going to like everybody just because I go out and introduce them.
00:26:59.340 And they're not going to like me just because I went out and introduced myself.
00:27:02.200 But you give yourself a better shot if you realize you're the foreigner here.
00:27:08.940 Yeah.
00:27:09.560 You're the one decided to interject yourself in the community.
00:27:12.740 So, do it right.
00:27:14.580 Do it appropriately.
00:27:15.840 And go out and introduce and be involved and get involved in these people's lives in a healthy, positive way.
00:27:21.780 You'll have a much better experience than if you sit around thinking, why are these people so mean?
00:27:27.160 Why don't they like us?
00:27:28.920 Why doesn't anybody come over and welcomed us here?
00:27:32.260 They have their shit.
00:27:33.660 That's your job.
00:27:35.420 Yeah.
00:27:35.860 Well, there's so much strategy there.
00:27:37.640 I mean, the wife and I, we have totally done this where we might be worried about a particular person that we live by or a neighbor or whatever in times that we've kind of moved around.
00:27:49.460 And those individuals, we go out of our way to go get to know.
00:27:55.440 Right.
00:27:56.640 We'll even ask them, hey, can you keep an eye on our property or can you help us with this?
00:28:03.780 Guys, if you're even nervous about a neighbor, you're like, oh, they're sketchy.
00:28:07.260 That's the neighbor you need to go talk to.
00:28:10.700 And form somewhat of a relationship with.
00:28:13.660 Trust me, that will benefit you more than anything else.
00:28:17.020 It's probably – statistically, I don't know, but it probably reduces the chances of them ever robbing you.
00:28:22.580 It reduces the chances of other issues.
00:28:25.460 Like it just sets you up to be more successful in that area the better connected you are, whether you like them on a personal level or not.
00:28:35.840 So have you – you're actually speaking on something that is very well-known and documented.
00:28:43.920 Have you ever heard of the Benjamin Franklin effect?
00:28:47.700 Uh-uh.
00:28:48.720 Oh, listen to this.
00:28:49.940 So I've heard of it, but I wanted to pull it up just to be able to articulate it clearly.
00:28:53.680 So I'm just going to read this.
00:28:54.700 This actually comes from Wikipedia.
00:28:56.300 But it says here, the Ben Franklin effect is a psychological phenomenon in which people like someone more after doing a favor for them.
00:29:07.560 This is an explanation – an explanation for this is cognitive dissonance.
00:29:11.100 People reason that they help others because they like them, even if they do not,
00:29:16.760 because their minds struggle to maintain logical consistency between their actions and perceptions.
00:29:22.640 The Benjamin Franklin effect, in other words, is the result of one's concept of self-coming under attack.
00:29:30.500 Every person develops a persona, and that persona persists because inconsistencies in one's personal narrative get rewritten, redacted, and misinterpreted.
00:29:43.040 That's awesome.
00:29:43.980 So let me explain that in my own words.
00:29:47.220 Perhaps if, Kip, you and I don't like each other, and I go ask – and this is what Ben Franklin would do.
00:29:54.360 I go ask you, hey, Kip, do you mind – I know you were reading a book the other day that seemed pretty interesting.
00:30:00.080 Would it be okay if I borrowed that book from you?
00:30:04.300 And you would say, uh, yeah, sure.
00:30:07.580 And then I borrowed the book, and I read it, and I came back, and I gave it to you, and I took notes.
00:30:13.200 I'm like, man, that was really good.
00:30:14.320 I enjoyed this, and this, and this, and this.
00:30:15.900 Thank you, and I gave it back.
00:30:17.740 Automatically, your like for me improves because you cannot maintain the inconsistency between not liking me and doing a favor for me.
00:30:27.900 Yeah.
00:30:28.260 This is what you're – this is exactly what you're talking about.
00:30:31.860 Those people that you're like, I don't know.
00:30:34.360 Most people say, I don't want to inconvenience them.
00:30:36.680 I don't want to – no.
00:30:38.640 Actually, the opposite.
00:30:39.980 Go ask them for something.
00:30:42.680 Yeah.
00:30:43.580 It will help you and them develop a different relationship because of those inconsistencies that we have a hard time wrestling with in our minds.
00:30:51.320 Cognitive dissidence.
00:30:52.100 Which I love this because like not to take it from a religious perspective, right, but to be Christ-like and to love your neighbor and serve your neighbor, what does that do?
00:31:04.420 Like what is it doing psychologically?
00:31:07.480 You have a – you're judgmental towards homeless people.
00:31:11.360 Go serve in a soup kitchen.
00:31:13.820 How do you feel afterwards?
00:31:16.240 You don't have a problem with them as much.
00:31:18.660 Yeah.
00:31:19.440 You get connected.
00:31:21.200 You see their world.
00:31:21.960 You care a little bit more, right?
00:31:24.760 It's good stuff, right?
00:31:26.820 Especially when we think about being parents and having our kids help the elderly and serve others.
00:31:32.980 What is it really doing to them psychologically?
00:31:35.440 That's awesome.
00:31:36.660 Yeah.
00:31:37.500 All right, man.
00:31:37.980 What's next?
00:31:39.300 All right.
00:31:39.660 Jim Sorensen, what are strategies you guys use for maintaining focus throughout the day?
00:31:45.840 I find myself getting easily distracted and really have to put in a conscious effort to bring my energy and focus back to where I need it.
00:31:54.760 Let me know if Kip needs help pronouncing my last name.
00:31:57.860 Dick.
00:31:59.140 Is it E-N or O-N?
00:32:01.040 S-E-N or O-N?
00:32:02.360 It's E-N.
00:32:02.620 If it was O-N, I'd pronounce it wrong.
00:32:05.140 Yeah.
00:32:06.160 You'd make fun of it probably.
00:32:08.700 Because what Soren said, S-E-N is what?
00:32:11.620 What's the cultural history behind that?
00:32:13.420 Danish.
00:32:13.700 Danish.
00:32:14.260 Danish.
00:32:14.840 I was going to say Norwegian.
00:32:15.940 I was way off.
00:32:16.700 But Danish.
00:32:17.560 And then what's S-O-N?
00:32:18.880 Do you know?
00:32:20.480 It's from Sweden.
00:32:23.260 It's O-N.
00:32:23.500 Sweden.
00:32:23.940 Okay.
00:32:24.540 Okay.
00:32:24.960 Got it.
00:32:25.440 Yeah.
00:32:25.560 I knew there was a distinction.
00:32:27.280 So yeah, you would have made fun of them.
00:32:29.040 Okay.
00:32:29.500 So eliminating distraction and keeping focused on projects.
00:32:34.740 Number one, I think for a lot of us, we should focus on fewer things, but go deeper into those
00:32:43.620 things.
00:32:44.520 And that is the mindset for you specifically that I would work to adopt is I'm not going
00:32:51.040 to do as many things.
00:32:52.340 I'm going to do fewer things, but I'm going to go deeper and I'm going to get become more
00:32:56.520 proficient in the fewer things that I do.
00:32:59.080 It might be really hard for you when you're so focused on a million things because you are
00:33:03.880 probably equating to some degree personal worth with maximum productivity.
00:33:12.080 And you're equating maximum productivity with doing a bunch of shit running around all the
00:33:19.280 time.
00:33:20.140 Being effective.
00:33:20.820 Yeah.
00:33:21.780 No, not even effective.
00:33:23.780 Yeah.
00:33:24.280 Or you think you are.
00:33:25.380 Just doing shit.
00:33:25.500 Because it feels that way.
00:33:26.680 Yeah.
00:33:27.020 Yeah.
00:33:27.500 One of the things I often say is never mistake action for prudence.
00:33:30.620 And I, and I picked that up when I was doing financial planning, people would say, Hey,
00:33:35.380 can you trade this stock and this stock and this and this and buy this and sell this and
00:33:38.320 do no, stop, shut up.
00:33:41.060 You think that just because we're buying and selling, you're going to be able to beat the
00:33:44.980 market.
00:33:45.260 You're not, you're actually going to lose.
00:33:47.240 The most prudent thing you can do with your portfolio is to leave it alone.
00:33:51.360 We did the right thing initially.
00:33:55.500 We're going to rebalance quarterly.
00:33:58.020 We're indexing.
00:33:59.980 Now just go on about your life.
00:34:03.360 Don't even look at it.
00:34:05.020 If you have questions, call me, pull it up, whatever.
00:34:07.060 We're not buying and we're not doing that because it was my job to manage their emotions.
00:34:12.680 That was my job as a financial advisor, not manage the money.
00:34:15.180 We already know how to manage money.
00:34:16.680 It's to manage their emotions.
00:34:18.120 So never a mistake action for prudence.
00:34:23.060 Most people think, go ask a hundred people today, go ask 10 people do this.
00:34:28.000 Actually, like what's this guy's name?
00:34:31.220 Jim.
00:34:32.360 Jim.
00:34:33.760 Go ask 20 people today.
00:34:35.860 Hey man, how you doing?
00:34:37.020 Or Hey Sue, how you doing?
00:34:38.840 Just go ask them.
00:34:40.480 I'd be willing to bet that the overwhelming majority of them say, Oh, it's really good.
00:34:43.680 I'm busy.
00:34:46.280 I'm just busy.
00:34:47.080 I'm busy.
00:34:47.380 But they wear it like a badge of honor.
00:34:50.600 And you see people running around like little ants.
00:34:52.720 I used to have this ant farm when I was a kid and I'd watch these ants and I'd say, these
00:34:55.600 ants are so stupid.
00:34:56.700 Look at these ants.
00:34:57.300 They're just like running around, moving that piece of sand from that thing over to that.
00:35:01.780 Like, what an idiot.
00:35:02.620 And I'd sit there like God watching these ants do what I thought was pretty dumb, menial
00:35:07.680 work.
00:35:08.980 Where are the ants?
00:35:09.760 I went on a hike several weeks ago and I climbed up to the H Hill, which is here in Southern
00:35:15.860 Utah.
00:35:16.420 And I overlooked and I looked at all the streets and I watched all these cars scurrying to and
00:35:21.560 from offices and buildings and gas stations and grocery stores and back to their house.
00:35:25.760 And I'm like, these are the ants.
00:35:27.220 We're the ants.
00:35:29.320 I'm the ant now.
00:35:30.540 The one that I used to make fun of because we're running around scurrying to do nothing.
00:35:38.500 And I think that might be what you're running across without knowing much about your situation.
00:35:44.660 Now, from a more practical standpoint, what I would suggest that was a mindset strategy
00:35:49.000 from a more practical standpoint, I would suggest that you just inventory where you're
00:35:55.420 losing time throughout the day.
00:35:56.940 So grab a journal.
00:35:58.160 I've got a journal over here.
00:35:59.160 I was writing in earlier today.
00:36:00.980 It's over here on my nightstand.
00:36:03.420 And I write in that journal when I have thoughts.
00:36:05.940 But one of the things that I would do if I was in your shoes is I would document all the
00:36:09.780 times where I lose focus.
00:36:13.260 So for example, I'm working from home.
00:36:17.920 I got this new little puppy.
00:36:19.060 I lost focus a minute ago.
00:36:20.200 You may have heard the puppy barked because he heard something outside.
00:36:23.440 And so you were talking.
00:36:25.100 Did you see me, Kip?
00:36:27.340 No, I didn't notice.
00:36:28.460 Okay, the dog barked.
00:36:29.920 You were talking.
00:36:30.980 And I snapped at it.
00:36:32.320 And I told it to be quiet.
00:36:34.160 And I told it to go lay down.
00:36:35.560 And surprisingly, it did.
00:36:36.740 He's a good little guy so far.
00:36:39.080 But that was a loss of focus.
00:36:41.240 Okay, so write all of it down.
00:36:43.740 The dog barked.
00:36:45.040 Somebody rang the doorbell.
00:36:46.240 Somebody came into my office.
00:36:47.440 I was doing emails.
00:36:48.380 And then I got a phone call.
00:36:49.460 And I'm not even saying identify whether they're good or bad.
00:36:52.420 I'm just saying identify where you get distracted.
00:36:54.700 That's it.
00:36:55.980 Then you can start looking at that list.
00:36:57.780 If you do that for two, three, four, five days, you can start looking at that list and think, man, this week alone, I lost five and a half hours from people coming into my office asking unnecessary questions.
00:37:10.860 That should be a light bulb moment for you.
00:37:14.700 What do I need to do about that?
00:37:15.720 Close the fucking door.
00:37:17.960 Yeah.
00:37:18.880 Put a sign on the door that says, do not disturb.
00:37:22.140 Or, hey, I'm busy right now.
00:37:25.800 At noon, I'll be available.
00:37:28.320 Come back by at noon.
00:37:29.780 What's to keep you from doing that?
00:37:31.080 Like, set boundaries so that you can actually accomplish and do, obviously, within the realm of where you're working and what's appropriate and what's not appropriate.
00:37:40.740 But, yeah, you've got to set boundaries because if you're losing five and a half hours by people stopping in and like, hey, Jim, what about this thing?
00:37:47.160 Did you, no, door's closed.
00:37:49.380 Don't ask me about that.
00:37:51.620 I also like time blocking.
00:37:54.360 I learned this from Tim Ferriss years and years ago.
00:37:56.660 He said that there, when you're doing, I can't remember the exact terminology he used, but when you're switching from tasks, it's not just the switching of tasks that takes time and energy.
00:38:07.080 It's the revving up and revving down.
00:38:09.420 So if I'm doing emails for a half an hour and then I get distracted because somebody comes into my office and then when they leave, let's say it takes 30 minutes, and then I come back and do another half an hour of emails, that's an hour and a half worth of work, right?
00:38:23.200 But if I take the same hour or, excuse me, the same hour and a half with a half an hour break because somebody came into my office and then I just take an hour of doing email straight without any interruptions, I'll get more work done in that hour without interruptions than the 30 minutes and then the 30 minutes later after the person leaves.
00:38:44.800 Because of the rev up and rev down process, a lot of people might refer to it as flow.
00:38:51.200 When you get into a state, you're like, you get faster, you get more efficient.
00:38:54.640 You're like, delete this email, send that, delay that one, respond this way, auto response on this one.
00:39:00.360 You're way more effective if you do it over that timeframe than if you break it up.
00:39:04.360 So time stacking time is, or time blocking is crucial where you can just get a lot of stuff done in a short amount of time without any distractions.
00:39:14.200 But the point that I was making is ultimately you have to figure out where the distractions are and either get rid of them altogether, like don't even allow them to come into your life.
00:39:25.700 For example, if the phone's constantly ringing, but you're trying to send emails, move the phone to a different room or just turn it off.
00:39:31.480 You'll be okay, I promise.
00:39:33.400 If you just turn your phone off for an hour, you're going to be okay.
00:39:38.520 Or delegate.
00:39:40.900 Maybe people are coming in asking you questions they don't need to be asking questions about.
00:39:44.480 One example of that is in the Iron Council.
00:39:46.720 I used to manage all the membership stuff where people would say, hey, I need to change my credit card or close my account or start a new account or change the address on file or update the expiration date or this or that.
00:39:56.520 And I used to do all of that.
00:39:58.220 I don't do all that anymore.
00:40:00.460 Drew takes care of that.
00:40:01.660 That's his role.
00:40:02.420 That's his responsibility.
00:40:03.660 So I set up an email for him.
00:40:04.840 I said, good.
00:40:05.260 All those questions go there.
00:40:06.200 I had one this morning.
00:40:07.900 A guy asked for a refund because he wasn't using it.
00:40:10.460 And I'm really good about making sure I don't jerk around with people's money.
00:40:14.860 So I'm like, yeah, if you're not using it, like you meant to cancel, you didn't, no problem.
00:40:18.380 We'll issue a refund.
00:40:19.580 I didn't issue the refund.
00:40:21.120 Drew did.
00:40:22.380 Sent a quick email.
00:40:23.260 Hey, Drew, take care of this guy.
00:40:24.360 He did.
00:40:24.800 No problem.
00:40:25.140 So you can delegate or you can actually just tell them to come back later or do that task later.
00:40:32.040 If you turn the phone off because you're doing emails, then you can pick your phone back up in an hour and answer all the texts that you need to answer that you happen to miss.
00:40:39.140 Yeah, two good resources to look at regarding this is Deep Work by Cal Newport.
00:40:48.220 Yeah.
00:40:48.440 The other book I'd recommend is The Rise of Superman and then another book called Stealing Fire.
00:40:56.400 These are great books.
00:40:57.580 Who's The Rise of Superman?
00:40:58.580 Is that by Stephen Kotler?
00:41:01.340 What, the fire one, Raising Fire?
00:41:04.600 That one's by Kotler too, isn't it?
00:41:06.120 Yeah, both of those are by Kotler.
00:41:07.720 They're talking about great books.
00:41:10.280 Yeah, on flow and Deep Work.
00:41:13.520 Yeah, both have been on the podcast.
00:41:15.420 Cal Newport's been on multiple times.
00:41:17.300 Stephen Kotler's been on the podcast to talk about, I believe we talked about Stealing Fire.
00:41:21.940 Yeah.
00:41:22.420 And you can find and search those previous episodes up as well, Jim, so you can listen to those.
00:41:28.240 One other resource, or not resource, but thing, as you were talking about that, Deep Work specifically reminded me of this, is Jack Carr.
00:41:37.360 The author of the James Reese Thriller series, he'll go off-grid.
00:41:46.880 Ernest Hemingway used to do this as well.
00:41:49.040 Just go off-grid and write.
00:41:52.100 Distraction-free.
00:41:53.420 Go up to a cabin and just write.
00:41:55.560 No kids, no wife, no distraction, no email, no technology.
00:41:59.400 Just go out and write.
00:42:00.680 And that goes to Deep Work.
00:42:03.320 Yeah.
00:42:04.020 All right.
00:42:04.780 Ryan Ghent.
00:42:06.300 I've been having some great conversations so far around the monthly topic in the Iron Council.
00:42:11.080 A common theme seems to be coming up.
00:42:14.260 Men lack the confidence to be assertive and decisive in their self-leadership and relationships.
00:42:20.260 Meanwhile, being assertive and decisive is a path towards building confidence.
00:42:25.460 How do you think so many men trap themselves with their own limiting beliefs and fail to navigate the left-right limits of their honest wants and needs such that they can start setting real boundaries and asserting themselves as they wish to?
00:42:41.080 There's so much to unpack here.
00:42:45.260 I think the reason, there's a lot of reasons that people aren't assertive.
00:42:51.860 One of them is they never learned how to be.
00:42:56.960 Another one is they were taught not to be.
00:43:01.020 Another one is that they're afraid of what might happen.
00:43:05.100 Rejection, essentially.
00:43:06.820 Because look, take it from this context.
00:43:08.540 If you see a beautiful woman, maybe you work with a woman or there's a woman down the hall or in another office space in your building and you see her every day and she doesn't have a ring on that finger.
00:43:20.460 And you're like, man, this woman, like she's incredible.
00:43:23.560 I would love to ask her out.
00:43:25.500 Well, why wouldn't you do that?
00:43:28.500 You know you want to.
00:43:29.560 You know you're attracted to her.
00:43:32.060 Why wouldn't you do that?
00:43:33.700 And I'm not saying that rhetorically.
00:43:35.400 I'm asking you to think about that for a second.
00:43:37.640 Why would you not do that?
00:43:39.820 The only reason, there's only one reason.
00:43:42.120 You're afraid.
00:43:43.680 That's it.
00:43:44.640 You're just afraid of being rejected.
00:43:46.960 You're afraid of her saying no.
00:43:50.880 And that's real.
00:43:52.640 That's none of this like false evidence appearing real.
00:43:55.140 Like she actually could reject you.
00:43:56.940 And that's going to sting.
00:43:58.160 Of course it is.
00:43:59.580 It's going to feel like a personal indictment.
00:44:02.180 And it kind of is.
00:44:03.740 Maybe.
00:44:05.300 Unless she's in another relationship or something like that.
00:44:08.020 But she's not interested in you.
00:44:10.020 So that hurts.
00:44:11.780 And that's why we're not assertive.
00:44:13.960 If you're at work.
00:44:15.160 And you're in a meeting.
00:44:16.620 Let's say you're in a meeting with 10 other people.
00:44:19.140 And the guy's bringing up this idea.
00:44:22.020 And he's asking for suggestions.
00:44:23.500 And you have this idea.
00:44:24.580 You're like, oh man.
00:44:25.960 If we only did this.
00:44:27.980 This could revolutionize what we're doing.
00:44:29.960 This could turn around the company.
00:44:31.400 This could be amazing.
00:44:32.340 And you're like, I don't want to do that though.
00:44:37.060 Why?
00:44:37.960 Because you're afraid.
00:44:39.120 You're afraid of what might happen.
00:44:42.540 So the only thing that's keeping you from being assertive in life is your fear.
00:44:47.660 You know you want to do something.
00:44:49.700 And you don't.
00:44:50.720 Because you're afraid of it.
00:44:52.980 So here's what I would suggest to you.
00:44:55.660 You're never not going to be afraid in life.
00:44:58.720 That beautiful woman.
00:45:00.040 She's going to scare you.
00:45:02.700 Always.
00:45:03.480 There's nothing that you could do.
00:45:05.260 There's no amount of confidence.
00:45:07.580 Or bravado.
00:45:09.120 Or hackery.
00:45:10.780 That you could engage in.
00:45:12.580 That will keep you from being afraid of asking her out.
00:45:16.220 It's biologically hardwired into who you are.
00:45:19.380 So just embrace it.
00:45:21.540 Hey, you know what?
00:45:23.020 I'm afraid of this.
00:45:24.620 You know, one thing you could actually say with a woman is this.
00:45:28.960 This would be a great way.
00:45:30.180 This would be a great approach.
00:45:31.880 You see this beautiful woman.
00:45:32.960 You've been working next to her.
00:45:34.360 Or down the office for six months.
00:45:35.700 And you go to her and you're like, hey, Cindy, can I ask you a question?
00:45:39.380 She's like, yeah, sure.
00:45:42.320 I know this is coming out of left field.
00:45:44.560 And it was actually really difficult for me to work up the courage to do this.
00:45:48.080 But I would really like to take you to dinner.
00:45:54.620 We've had great conversations.
00:45:56.420 And I would really like to get to know you more.
00:45:59.700 And I would like to take you to dinner.
00:46:01.180 That was hard for me to do.
00:46:02.260 But I would like to do that.
00:46:04.280 At a minimum, she's going to be flattered.
00:46:06.080 If you're not a creep or a weirdo, right?
00:46:08.520 But you just owned it.
00:46:09.500 You're like, yeah, I was afraid to do it.
00:46:10.600 But I did it anyways.
00:46:12.020 And that's what assertiveness means.
00:46:14.320 It's not assertive if you're not afraid.
00:46:18.040 Fear has to exist in order for you to be assertive.
00:46:22.560 So just embrace it.
00:46:24.360 For example, if you're in your conference room and you have this great idea for the company
00:46:27.900 and you're afraid to bring it up.
00:46:29.660 Hey, guys, you know, I got a silly idea here, guys.
00:46:33.160 I've been thinking about this a long time.
00:46:34.840 I don't know if it'll work.
00:46:35.840 I'm a little afraid to even bring it up because I don't want to sound dumb.
00:46:38.380 But I think this might work.
00:46:39.640 So I wanted to throw this out there and see what you guys think.
00:46:43.560 That's assertive.
00:46:44.860 Now, I don't typically hedge that way anymore because I'm not too concerned with it.
00:46:51.120 But if you have a hard time being assertive, hedging is a great way to help you get into
00:46:56.220 the realm.
00:46:56.660 I don't hedge like that anymore.
00:46:58.520 Yeah, contrast.
00:46:59.540 Like with Cindy, I would go to her and say, hey, Cindy, you know what?
00:47:01.880 We've known each other for six months.
00:47:03.240 And you know, at this point, it's inevitable.
00:47:05.440 You and I just have to go on a date.
00:47:06.620 And I need to take you out to dinner this weekend.
00:47:09.800 Or in the conference, hey, guys, look, we've been batting this idea around for six months.
00:47:14.740 We've tried a bunch of things.
00:47:16.060 I have an idea we ought to do.
00:47:17.880 But you might not be there yet.
00:47:19.360 And that's OK.
00:47:20.160 You will get there.
00:47:21.460 The point I'm making is that assertiveness requires fear.
00:47:28.040 That's a prerequisite to being assertive.
00:47:30.540 Yeah.
00:47:30.740 And it's simply a choice to act in spite of the fear that you're experiencing.
00:47:36.300 So you have to make that choice on a daily basis.
00:47:38.760 You're just choosing.
00:47:39.600 I choose to do this today.
00:47:41.660 Yeah.
00:47:42.080 It's it's we need a model being having courage.
00:47:47.020 It is a lack of courage.
00:47:49.660 It is grand scheme of things.
00:47:51.280 And that's really all it comes down to.
00:47:53.640 The only thing that I was while you're sharing, I was thinking.
00:47:57.080 How often when you are being acted upon.
00:48:03.960 That it's disempowering.
00:48:06.160 So there's actually a price of not asking Cindy out.
00:48:13.000 Every single time you see her, what do you do?
00:48:16.000 Oh, man, man, I wish I could ask her.
00:48:18.680 Like, you don't think that's eating at you already.
00:48:21.600 You don't think that there's negative impacts of not doing anything.
00:48:25.960 Oh, there certainly is.
00:48:28.300 And it's highly disempowering.
00:48:31.320 And so I would, as a maybe anyone listening that's like, oh, man, is this me or not?
00:48:36.100 Is there any area in your life where you are waiting and hoping?
00:48:42.040 If you're waiting and hoping that something's going to happen, this is an area where you're
00:48:47.960 not being assertive, you're lacking courage, and you're not taking action.
00:48:51.200 And trust me, there's a level of disempowerment in that way of being.
00:49:00.420 And there's empowerment on the other side, regardless of outcome, because you're taking
00:49:05.800 action against it.
00:49:08.040 You know, Kip, that is really well said.
00:49:10.800 There's one other thing I think we might be able to address here for people who are having
00:49:14.140 a hard time being assertive.
00:49:15.300 Realize that whatever happens, it's not the end of the world and play it that way.
00:49:20.040 So let's say you finally approach Cindy and she's like, oh, Kip, thank you.
00:49:25.600 You know what?
00:49:26.240 I'm I've got a boyfriend.
00:49:27.860 We've been dating for a year.
00:49:29.060 But so no.
00:49:30.420 But thank you.
00:49:32.560 It's not the end of the world.
00:49:33.820 There's plenty of Cindy's.
00:49:34.980 So here's what you say.
00:49:36.520 Oh, you know what?
00:49:37.580 Man, he's a lucky guy.
00:49:39.360 Like, I'm glad for you, too.
00:49:41.440 No problem.
00:49:42.340 I'll see you tomorrow.
00:49:44.540 Like, don't make a fucking deal about it.
00:49:47.440 Yeah, it's not a big deal.
00:49:48.680 If you go to the office and you're presenting your idea and they're like, I don't know,
00:49:52.540 like that's I could be expensive or this.
00:49:55.000 I don't know.
00:49:55.900 Probably not do that.
00:49:56.820 Say, hey, no problem.
00:49:58.040 I'm just spitballing.
00:49:59.240 Just thought I'd throw it out there and maybe something came of it.
00:50:01.760 Maybe not.
00:50:02.460 And then get your ass fully on board with whatever the direction is.
00:50:05.820 Like, be cool.
00:50:08.180 That's it.
00:50:08.560 Just be cool.
00:50:11.740 Don't tie your identity to the outcome.
00:50:15.480 Yeah.
00:50:15.920 No, there's going to be other women.
00:50:17.960 There's going to be other business opportunities and ideas.
00:50:20.920 There's going to be other things.
00:50:22.940 Don't be a freak.
00:50:24.180 Like, just relax.
00:50:26.120 If it doesn't pan out, I promise you there's going to be something else that's probably better for you, actually.
00:50:32.780 It's better.
00:50:34.100 Whatever happens in the future is going to be better.
00:50:36.900 Yeah, totally.
00:50:37.740 All right.
00:50:38.840 Last question.
00:50:39.840 And I got to run after this one.
00:50:41.420 So, Paul.
00:50:42.000 I actually don't know how to pronounce Paul's last name.
00:50:44.140 Is it Karaman?
00:50:45.020 The battle team leader for Phoenix?
00:50:46.620 Karaman.
00:50:46.960 Yeah.
00:50:47.700 All right.
00:50:48.160 So, Paul Karaman, since this month, the battle team mentors – oh, no, the book of the – I'm sorry.
00:50:58.500 Let me start over.
00:50:59.260 Paul, since this month –
00:51:00.600 Book of the month.
00:51:01.040 Book of the month is on masculine leadership.
00:51:04.200 How is the long-awaited leadership development program created by KIPP, which gives the IC a common language and framework to catapult leadership skills and development to transform not only the IC, but the men's families, workplaces, and community, and the men's movement at large being rolled out and implemented in the IC as a whole?
00:51:23.460 I guess that's what he's asking.
00:51:24.840 Got it.
00:51:26.060 Yeah.
00:51:26.180 So, the biggest thing is we wanted to go through this as a – so, it's – okay.
00:51:30.640 So, let me back up and give a little context.
00:51:32.320 This is a leadership development program that, KIPP, you wrote entirely.
00:51:36.680 You wrote this course for our guys, and it is a prerequisite to leading inside of the Iron Council.
00:51:42.520 So, men go through the course, and they learn the lessons.
00:51:45.300 You do weekly calls, things like this.
00:51:47.880 We've made it available to our team leaders.
00:51:50.700 We've made it available to other leaders inside of teams that we have available.
00:51:53.700 But ultimately, and I think by the end of the year, once we work out some of the kinks and we all start to agree, and as a leadership team, we meet on a weekly basis, and we actually go through the leadership development program.
00:52:07.000 Guys teach on specific subjects and elements of the leadership development program, and we're fleshing out ideas.
00:52:12.600 Does this work?
00:52:13.240 Does this make sense?
00:52:13.980 Does anything else need to be added?
00:52:15.180 Do we need to tweak or adjust or change this?
00:52:17.700 And one thing that we've talked about, KIPP, is making sure that we're presenting it in different forms and different mediums, so video, worksheets, audio.
00:52:27.900 Obviously, there's the text people can read, and I envision that happening by the end of the year where we roll this out to everybody, and we make it available for anybody who wants to go through this training.
00:52:40.060 And not just this training, but other courses and programs that are available in the Iron Council.
00:52:45.160 I'm actually putting together a course right now.
00:52:47.520 I was thinking about it.
00:52:48.700 We had a long time to sit with nothing over last week, right, KIPP?
00:52:55.500 Yeah, totally.
00:52:56.160 I created – I didn't tell you this.
00:52:59.120 I should have told you, but I created the outline for a course that I'm putting together, and I've got a really good outline and a good idea for this.
00:53:06.780 Awesome.
00:53:07.460 This is what we're –
00:53:08.080 Specifically –
00:53:09.060 Yeah.
00:53:09.360 What's that?
00:53:09.620 We talked about it a little bit.
00:53:11.320 On divorce?
00:53:12.000 Did we talk about that?
00:53:12.640 Yeah.
00:53:13.240 Yeah.
00:53:13.500 Okay, so we did bring it up.
00:53:14.480 Okay.
00:53:14.800 Yeah.
00:53:16.020 Yeah, so this is a great program.
00:53:19.600 It's not to win your wife back.
00:53:21.620 It's not to salvage the relationship.
00:53:23.560 That might happen as a result of the work we do, but that's not the point of it.
00:53:26.980 The point is how do you navigate a new divorce?
00:53:29.820 First 12 months.
00:53:30.660 What do you do?
00:53:32.020 What conversations?
00:53:33.440 What do you do to fix yourself and your mindset?
00:53:36.260 Hobbies, friends, dating again, that sort of stuff.
00:53:39.700 It's going to be really powerful.
00:53:41.060 So a lot of these courses are going to be rolled out between now and the end of the year to go back to what Paul's question was.
00:53:47.160 Yeah.
00:53:47.840 Excellent.
00:53:48.740 Okay.
00:53:49.840 So a couple call to action.
00:53:51.740 I mean I think we really have one.
00:53:53.820 And that is within a couple days, the Iron Council is opening up.
00:53:59.260 So if you've been on the fence, you want to join us, like-minded guys, be on a team that's going to hold you accountable.
00:54:05.820 And ultimately, I love this analogy of getting out of the bleachers and watching the game and actually playing it.
00:54:13.240 So if you're ready to get on the court and start playing the game, join us in the Iron Council.
00:54:19.140 That's orderofman.com slash Iron Council.
00:54:21.780 That's going to be opened up on the 15th.
00:54:26.440 I think we're actually going to do the 14th.
00:54:28.220 So Friday the 14th.
00:54:29.640 Yeah.
00:54:29.720 Okay.
00:54:30.140 So Friday the 14th to the end of the month.
00:54:33.380 So you have a very short window and then that will close until next quarter.
00:54:39.240 That's right.
00:54:40.000 So you can check it out at orderofman.com slash Iron Council.
00:54:44.200 All right, guys.
00:54:44.780 Really good questions.
00:54:45.680 I took some notes.
00:54:47.160 I appreciate all the good questions.
00:54:50.100 Hopefully, if you haven't listened already, go back and listen to Kip and I's conversation regarding his very first archery hunt.
00:54:58.100 And you can find out whether he was successful or not.
00:55:00.300 We'll leave the little cliffhanger there for you.
00:55:03.400 A little tease.
00:55:04.940 And you can go check that out.
00:55:07.240 That was yesterday's podcast that released.
00:55:09.440 And then check out the Iron Council on Friday at orderofman.com slash Iron Council.
00:55:13.960 Guys, go out there, take action, and become a man.
00:55:16.200 You.
00:55:16.500 Are meant to be.
00:55:20.520 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
00:55:23.520 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
00:55:27.540 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.
00:55:30.680 ηš„δΊΊcair.com.
00:55:31.540 We'll see you next time.
00:55:31.760 We'll be right back.
00:55:40.460 Thank you.
00:55:43.560 We'll be right back.
00:55:44.780 We'll be right back.