Order of Man - Selfishness Leads to Selflessness, Fundamental Attribution Error, and Working with an Aggressive 3-Year-Old

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.420 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.180 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.720 you can call yourself a man. Kip, what's up brother? Great to see you. Still looks like

00:00:27.460 you're on your, I was going to say vacation, but I think that's what I thought it was originally,

00:00:32.040 but you guys actually, what do you do? You travel for a couple of months every year,

00:00:35.340 a month or two, or what is it? Yeah. I mean, we probably travel a little

00:00:38.520 too much anyway, but this is our plan every year to take our kids, move somewhere temporarily

00:00:45.100 for a short period of time, experience another culture and build up to it. Asia has been having

00:00:50.200 the girls learn French for months leading up to this trip. And it's, I don't know, it just makes

00:00:55.460 it great. It's super great. Yeah. That's cool. Right on, man. Well, I'm glad we could still do

00:00:59.500 this podcast because you and I have talked about it. It's a, it's good fuel for us for getting

00:01:04.380 through the week and thinking about things that there was some really good questions today that

00:01:08.300 I saw. And it gets us thinking about things that at least for me, um, I don't always consider so

00:01:13.860 readily. So I, that's part of the reason I enjoy having these conversations. Yeah. Me too. Me too.

00:01:20.000 So always, as always, in fact, uh, I agree. I looked over some of these questions. I'm like,

00:01:24.380 yeah, these seem good. And even last week were great. Yeah. Yeah. They were good too. Yeah.

00:01:28.480 Quality questions is improving. Um, one quick announcement. I didn't mention this before we

00:01:32.740 got started. Kip is really guys right now. Um, if you would, if you're ever on YouTube,

00:01:37.420 I would suggest and encourage and ask that you head over to YouTube and you follow us over there.

00:01:43.420 Uh, it's done really well on YouTube lately. Things are starting to pick up and I see a lot of

00:01:47.720 momentum over there. Um, I still do feel like our accounts get throttled. You know,

00:01:52.400 if we look at our accounts, we have on YouTube just under 300,000. So let's hit that 300,000 mark.

00:01:58.580 And if you look at other channels that have 300,000 subscribers, and these are all organic

00:02:02.620 subscribers, this is nothing I paid for. I mean, this is something we've built over eight years,

00:02:06.460 but our views are so low relative to, and, and I'm always skeptical and cautious of like saying,

00:02:14.400 well, we're being shadow banned because that's what everybody says. And it, it kind of sounds

00:02:19.040 like whining, frankly, but also there's some gimmicks being played. And I know there is because

00:02:24.540 I've talked with men who run very, very successful YouTube accounts and they've gone through the

00:02:31.100 analytics and the backend analytics of, of our account and have said, yeah, there's some,

00:02:36.680 there's some shenanigans taking place. Things are adding up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So anyways,

00:02:42.360 we're going to keep playing the game. A lot of times people will say, well, just don't be on

00:02:45.240 there. No, we are going to be on there because we can reach as many people as we do, but there's

00:02:50.680 other avenues as well. So there's two things that we can do. We can, we can retreat and withdraw and

00:02:55.780 say, well, I'm not going to play on their, their playground because there's these rules, or I'm going

00:03:00.480 to play on that playground by their rules. Cause it's their playground, but I'm also going to see what

00:03:04.980 else is available. So I just want to flood everything and do everything we can to get this message of

00:03:09.800 restoring and reclaiming masculinity out, out to the masses. Totally. Totally. And you get to see

00:03:15.580 Ryan's pretty face and the new backdrop. That's a bonus. I mean, that's just, that's just gravy

00:03:21.020 right there. You know, guys consider yourselves fortunate. So in hindsight, someone made that

00:03:27.300 comment. I think I, cause every so often, well, actually that's how I know. I think that's, that's

00:03:33.480 my like cheap way to determine how that episode did is pretty much from YouTube, right? Cause

00:03:39.760 you have podcast downloads and every so often we go over those, but not too often. So I'll

00:03:44.340 hop onto YouTube and just kind of, Oh, Hey, that one, that one had higher success. It's

00:03:48.960 not a good indicator. Yeah. What's it's all I got, man. Unless I know, but I can say, I'll

00:03:54.940 send you the other way. I can get you the, I can get you the login credentials or get yourself

00:03:59.020 your own credentials. So you can go in and pour over the data. Regardless, every so often I'll see

00:04:04.540 comments on there and YouTube's brutal already, but it was really funny. Someone made a comment,

00:04:09.700 I think last week saying this, this podcast is just watch is just, uh, valuable to watch just to

00:04:17.660 see Ryan's gorgeous face. I think that was like the extent of the comment. That's probably the most

00:04:22.420 true, the most true comment that was ever made on, on YouTube. You know, what's interesting is if

00:04:27.740 you look at the, you look at the analytics and the demographics of our audiences, you can see

00:04:32.320 across different platforms, whether it's Instagram or Apple podcasts or other podcast players or

00:04:38.080 Twitter. And it's usually if it's, it's usually about 85% men, roughly 15% women on YouTube. It's 80,

00:04:45.840 85% women. So I don't know, maybe they just want to see our face and they just like, it's not really

00:04:50.500 85% women. I was going to say, is it really? No, it's not really. I was totally shocked.

00:04:55.960 I just thought maybe the women want to see our faces, but I don't think that's the case.

00:05:01.360 I mean, generally speaking, YouTube is a male's platform too. That's, that's even interesting.

00:05:06.020 I'm sure you've heard those statistics that the majority of people that actually watch YouTube

00:05:09.780 are men. Women rarely utilize YouTube. It's very interesting.

00:05:14.820 Yeah. Yeah. I'm actually pulling up the statistics, uh, while you're,

00:05:19.120 you're not, you're pulling up the comment about you being a handsome. I just want to screenshot that

00:05:23.420 really quick. Absolutely. Let me get that real quick before YouTube takes that one down.

00:05:28.500 Yeah. All right. Well, you go ahead and get into it and I'm going to pull this up while

00:05:34.660 you're doing that. Cause now I'm curious about the demographics over here. I don't know if I can tell.

00:05:40.240 Oh yeah, here we go. So here it is. So we want to take a guess. What percentage of our audience on

00:05:46.060 YouTube is male? I bet it's like 90 tired. It's 94%, 94% male. You know, it's interesting. It's 94.1%

00:05:56.680 male, 5.9% female. There's like, that's a, that's accounts for everybody. So anybody who listens to

00:06:03.260 our podcast believes in male and female pretty much is what that's telling me. Cause there's no others.

00:06:08.720 There's no unspecified or there's no other in here. It's just male or female. There's no,

00:06:12.920 there's no other little weird things. Also the biggest demographic, this is interesting. What

00:06:21.080 do you want to say as far as the demographic of age? What do you think is the biggest 10 year

00:06:25.820 age demographic for, for listeners, for our podcast? 20 to 35 year olds.

00:06:33.760 That's pretty good. So they do it in increments of, you know, 25 to 35, 35 to 45.

00:06:38.800 So 25 to 35 years old, 30% of our audience, 35 to 45 is 28% of our audience. So almost 60% of our

00:06:50.900 audience is between the ages of 25 to 45 years old and 95% of them are male. Interesting.

00:06:58.280 Yeah. It makes sense, right? That's who we're talking to, right? I mean, it makes sense.

00:07:02.080 Yeah. It just tells me we're going to feel starving for this kind of information. Like they like young

00:07:09.100 men, aspiring, ambitious, motivated men are itching for this type of information to apply

00:07:15.620 in their lives, to better their families, better themselves, better their businesses,

00:07:18.680 better their bank accounts. This is the information guys are after. And fortunately we were able to

00:07:22.860 stumble into that eight and a half years ago when we started this thing.

00:07:26.240 Yeah. Well played. All right. Okay. We're going to field questions from the iron council today to

00:07:33.220 learn more about the iron council, go to order van.com slash iron council. We'll keep you updated

00:07:38.080 when we open enrollment. The best way to do that, you can sign up for the newsletter, but the other

00:07:43.240 way is pretty much just stay connected. So connect with Mr. Mickler on Instagram and Twitter at Ryan

00:07:48.780 Mickler. All right. I had two questions from last week. If you're okay, let's just inject those really

00:07:53.740 quick and then jump to this week's questions. Okay. Yep. Let's do it. Sean, Sean Ahern. I know

00:07:59.600 both of you read a lot of books, especially the monthly topics in the iron council. Is there a

00:08:03.900 specific book or novel you revisit once a year for the enjoyment that it brings? For Sean, if I remember

00:08:11.320 correctly, we, the last question we answered last week was books about mental or emotional health.

00:08:18.460 And I think we said, I think I, I, in fact, I know I said as a man thinketh and man search for

00:08:24.720 meaning. Those are two books that I read pretty regularly. Uh, another one that I read pretty

00:08:29.800 often is, uh, the war of art by Steven Pressfield. Who's been a multiple, uh, guest appearance on,

00:08:39.800 on our podcast. Uh, that's a, that's a good one. Um, I, I read the road, uh, by, uh, what is it?

00:08:49.460 McCarthy, Cormac McCarthy. Is that, is that right? You guys are, I'm slaughtering that,

00:08:53.100 but the road is really good about a father son, uh, combo in a post-apocalyptic era trying to survive.

00:09:02.360 That's really good. I haven't read that one multiple times. I only bring that one up because I,

00:09:06.380 I recently read it and it was really, really good. So for you. Yeah. Entertaining and the

00:09:13.020 lessons learned in there about the love between, um, uh, uh, father and a son, I mean, just powerful

00:09:19.220 stuff. Yeah. Cormac McCarthy and he's written other books. Um, blood Meridian is one no country

00:09:25.800 for old men is his, uh, yeah, there's some others as well, but the road is really, really good.

00:09:33.200 And also on that note, that's one thing I'm trying to infuse more into my life is more fiction.

00:09:40.080 You know, if you would ask me this question five, six years ago, even maybe two years ago,

00:09:44.000 all of it's going to be self-help time. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. And now I don't think it is. It's actually

00:09:50.280 really, it's a really good way for me to unwind for me to even learn things that I wouldn't have

00:09:56.220 considered otherwise. Uh, Jack Carr series with the James Reese thrillers are really, really good.

00:10:02.280 Um, I would highly recommend that. Uh, we just had a guest come on Remi Adelaike with his newest book

00:10:10.040 called, why am I forgetting chameleon? So, oh, and then also I just got a book in the mail from,

00:10:16.320 um, Jim Shockey, the, uh, the, the hunter that a lot of you guys know is hunters. He's got,

00:10:21.540 I think it's called call me Hunter and it's a, it's a fiction, it's a fiction book. So a lot of these

00:10:28.340 authors are actually beginning to migrate more into fictional work for a reason. And a lot of

00:10:34.220 them are really, really good at entertaining. Yeah. That's great. Like good learning books that

00:10:39.720 are retouched as a man thinketh. I've read that multiple times over and over. It's probably

00:10:44.060 because it's also a short book. It's the same as the war of art and these are simple reads.

00:10:49.260 Yeah. Four Agreements. I've read that book numerous times. Yeah. But I I'm a huge fan of Dan Brown. I

00:10:57.740 just love his books. So I've literally read every single Dan Brown book and I've probably read the

00:11:02.580 Da Vinci code. Like did he do Da Vinci code? Is that him? But he's best known for angels and demons.

00:11:07.640 Yeah. Those books. So I love those books and I'm a nerd. So sometimes I'll listen to like a star

00:11:13.420 wars book or a Harry Potter books. I knew you were going to say that you are a nerd.

00:11:19.140 Probably that you probably read twilight too. I bet. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. I've been to your

00:11:25.100 house, Kip. I saw it. I think you have to be a female nerd to, to enjoy twilight. I don't think

00:11:29.760 any dude actually enjoyed those books. Guys, don't let Kip fool you. Actually, I think in one of our

00:11:34.320 YouTube videos, he accidentally left it up behind him and he forgot to take the twilight series down before

00:11:39.640 you hit record. So it's in there. You got to dig through it a little bit. Yeah. It was, I was a

00:11:44.020 guest on a geek podcast. So I just inject that nerd every so often when needed. What's, what's the

00:11:50.340 appropriate, the politically correct term? Is it, is it geek or nerd or I don't know. There's,

00:11:56.940 there's another one. There's got to be more in there too. When I was in college and I was nerding

00:12:01.400 out and like hacking and utilizing Linux is cool. And you're like geeking geek was the correct cool term.

00:12:09.020 So you would never call yourself a nerd. It was a geek. Yeah. I don't know if that's evolved.

00:12:14.360 I don't know. Yeah. I don't know either. I've never been in that category. I don't know.

00:12:18.200 In my geeky days. Yeah. Let's talk distros of Linux. All the nerds right now are all getting excited.

00:12:24.360 I don't even know what you're saying right now. So that just went up.

00:12:28.640 Quotient. All right. What else? What's next? Next question. Cody, Cody Bruner. My wife and I

00:12:35.220 have decided to end our marriage. Well, let me back up and say I ended it. And now we are sorting

00:12:41.060 through the steps of what's next throughout this marriage. My first, I have struggled so much with

00:12:46.100 being selfish versus honoring my boundaries. They were non-existent for the most part. What advice

00:12:51.740 would you give guys on how to determine when it is selfish and when it is a boundary? Let me elaborate

00:13:00.140 in saying, I don't believe that a boundary is inherently selfish, but can be seen that way

00:13:06.300 by other parties. I'm struggling with making that distinction internally.

00:13:11.580 Well, I think that I don't really particularly agree with the premise of the question.

00:13:15.440 And the premise is that selfishness is negative. That's the undertone of this question.

00:13:22.820 But why is it negative?

00:13:24.080 Yeah. Like you have to stay away from selfishness. Otherwise you're in the wrong.

00:13:27.920 Yeah. Why, why is it negative to be selfish? Now, if it comes at the expense of other people

00:13:32.660 or it's excessive, or you're not serving other people and you're not participating in your family

00:13:37.940 dynamic or business or culture. Yeah. I think it could be a problem, but you could say that about

00:13:42.840 anything. So I think we need to remove the stigma of selfishness being somewhat of a negative.

00:13:48.040 It really isn't. And a boundary can be selfish. Boundaries typically are, you know,

00:13:52.960 for example, your ex-wife is communicating with you in a certain way. And I don't want to make

00:13:57.420 assumptions about why you guys are not married anymore. Cause I don't know. But if she's not

00:14:02.280 communicating with you in a respectful way and you don't like that, that is selfish because you

00:14:10.020 don't appreciate being talked to that way. And it's also a boundary. So it can be both. And boundaries

00:14:16.100 are typically selfish. I have this boundary in place because I don't like the way that your behavior

00:14:22.320 or your communication makes me feel. And therefore I'm putting this boundary up. So you don't step

00:14:28.220 over it into my, my space, mental, emotional, physical space. So I don't think it's wrong.

00:14:34.840 What do you think about that? Do you think it's inherently negative to be selfish? What are your

00:14:39.700 thoughts, Skip? No, no, I, I totally agree with you. In fact, I love that distinction. I don't think

00:14:45.720 I would have made that distinction that like we do that, that we assume that if it's selfish,

00:14:50.060 it's negative. And then, and then we give grace of like, Oh, well, you can be a little selfish or

00:14:54.760 it's okay to be selfish. Sometimes it's like, well, no, just it's about the priority of things.

00:14:59.920 And are you putting yourself before certain things too much, right? What's the impact of your

00:15:05.860 selfishness? If you want to use that term and, and shouldn't we all be right? Shouldn't our happiness

00:15:12.360 be self-derived and not be dependent on others? Shouldn't we care about, you know, ourselves and,

00:15:20.340 and, and, and purposely seek out things that find enjoyment and fulfillment in our lives? Like

00:15:26.080 those are all forms of being selfish. And I don't see anything wrong with any of them.

00:15:31.060 And I like that.

00:15:32.140 And also you, you can't make decisions in a vacuum in life. If you do something positively

00:15:37.760 in one aspect, it's going to spill over and do positivity in another aspect. So I wrote this

00:15:42.320 down here and this is a little alliteration here, but self selfishness leads to selflessness.

00:15:49.500 And let me explain what I mean. If you're a little bit selfish, well, I'm not even gonna say a little

00:15:54.500 bit. If you're a health, healthy selfishness, we'll say that if it's healthy, then it's going to

00:16:01.580 lead to selflessness. For example, if you take time out of your day and you do it appropriately,

00:16:06.020 I'm not saying like blow up your day because you want to go to the gym, for example,

00:16:09.520 or step all over other people's priorities. Like, yeah, right. So get up an hour earlier

00:16:14.580 before everybody else is up and get your butt into the gym. That's selfish, you know, but it's not

00:16:20.420 really impacting anybody negatively because you're doing it while everybody else is asleep.

00:16:24.240 But what's nice about that is you tell me this, can a man who is 10% body fat,

00:16:30.420 is he going to be just generally, okay, I'm just speaking in broad generalities here. Like

00:16:34.880 you guys are capable of discernment when I say this, but can a man who's 10% body fat serve

00:16:39.660 his family and his business more effectively than somebody who's 35% body fat, everything else being

00:16:44.660 equal. Of course he can. So is it selfish to take an hour out of your day to go into the gym and to

00:16:52.180 eat right and to make sure that you're making these sacrifices? Of course, it's a beautiful thing

00:16:57.260 because now you have the energy and you have the mental stamina and you have the focus and the

00:17:01.840 clarity and the innovation to be able to serve your family, to be able to show up more powerfully

00:17:07.740 for your clients, to be able to serve your employer. Like it's just better that way. So

00:17:13.300 if it's healthy selfishness, it can lead to selflessness. And here's the last point that

00:17:19.700 I'll make. I've always thought about when does a male become a man? Is it an age thing? Is it a

00:17:26.960 maturity thing? Like at what point would we consider a male no longer to be a boy or an

00:17:32.420 adolescent, but to be a man? And I think after spending about nine years thinking about this

00:17:39.320 question, it's when he has the capacity to not only serve himself, but then to turn his abundance and

00:17:47.620 his prosperity and wealth out for the benefit of other people. So if I'm broke and all I'm thinking

00:17:55.080 about is like making my bills and I don't have any money to give to charity and I don't have the time

00:18:00.080 to be able to donate to charitable organizations or spend time with my family, if I'm just worried

00:18:06.240 about me and mine, cause I don't have the capacity to take care of myself, then I'm not being manly.

00:18:12.180 If on the other hand, I'm making enough money in abundance that I can provide for myself.

00:18:17.920 And also I can provide for my children. And also I can donate time to coach sports teams. And also I

00:18:25.380 can give to charity. Then I think we would all, all of us agree that that person is more of a man

00:18:32.960 because he's learned how to harness raw resources, take care of himself, and then turn those things

00:18:39.980 outward. In the spirit of Cody's question, maybe, maybe let me ask it this way. Is there an area

00:18:49.020 where boundaries are too much, where, where we put too much boundaries in relationships and that comes

00:18:56.100 across, some would flag it as being selfish or it's just negative and it doesn't serve him as much.

00:19:03.500 And, and where does he lay that down? Right. Where's that balance or how does he check himself

00:19:09.660 to know that like, there's not enough give and take, right. Or he's just like boundary, boundary,

00:19:15.140 my way, my way, my way. And, and it's really, you know, coming across in a negative impact in this

00:19:20.920 relationship. Yeah. I, I think, I think it can, uh, where, where boundaries can be taken too far,

00:19:27.540 can be taken to the extreme. And what I wrote down here, as you were asking that question is,

00:19:31.160 are they relevant? Because I think it's easy to set up a bunch of arbitrary boundaries.

00:19:36.080 So a relevant boundary might be with your wife, for example, might be, Hey hon, you're not going

00:19:42.500 to spend unnecessary amounts of money and here's the budget. And we're going to work together to

00:19:47.920 be able to create the solutions to these problems. And we're going to make sure cashflow is right,

00:19:52.640 but you're not going to spend more than we have. Like for me, that's a hard boundary.

00:19:57.240 And if you continually and habitually break and cross that boundary, we're going to have some

00:20:01.880 serious, serious complications in our relationship. And that's important to me because as a man,

00:20:08.000 it's my job to provide for my family. It's my job to make sure financially the mortgage gets paid

00:20:15.380 and there's enough money for food on the table. And there's a little bit left over to be able to go

00:20:20.240 on vacations or trips or spend on who knows what. But if you continually break that boundary and cross

00:20:26.860 that, that's an issue maybe on a more silly level, cause I can't really think of anything,

00:20:31.920 but I've seen guys that make up all sorts of rules. Some of which are uncommunicated rules

00:20:37.060 about nothing and everything about how the grass needs to be mowed or how the house needs to be

00:20:42.500 kept and how the, you know, the, the car needs to be parked in the garage. It's like, you know,

00:20:47.220 is that really a boundary or is that just something you'd like? And if it's something you'd like,

00:20:52.060 for example, like, let's say you come home from a long day and there's a certain way you like the

00:20:57.680 house to be kept. Like if your wife stays at home and she's the homemaker and she's taking care of

00:21:02.220 the kids, I think that's a reasonable expectation. I go out and I do this work and your job is to be

00:21:07.340 here because we've agreed on it. Like, I think it's reasonable to expect that the house is going

00:21:11.220 to be kept. Well, that's your job, right? That's the dynamic of our relationship. Is that a boundary?

00:21:16.540 No, it's not a boundary, but it's something that I think should be communicated so that you

00:21:22.440 understand what her day's like. Cause you know what? If little Timmy has to go to the dentist

00:21:26.100 and then she's chauffeuring all the kids all over the place every day, like we don't see that stuff.

00:21:31.220 And so like, why isn't, why isn't dinner made? Why isn't the house clean? It's like, whoa, whoa,

00:21:34.820 whoa. Maybe she had other things going on throughout the day. You're not aware of, you know? So I think

00:21:40.600 there's things we'd like to have done a certain way and those should be communicated. I'm not saying they

00:21:45.980 shouldn't. And then there's, there's boundaries which are hard and fast. Like you will not cross

00:21:50.100 this boundary. And this is where I draw the line in the sand. Yeah. One of the distinctions that

00:21:55.160 you made that I think is, is spot on is what was the intent behind the boundary, right? So as Cody

00:22:01.120 looks at his boundary, it's like, well, why this one? Is it so you can serve your family better? Is it so

00:22:07.540 your family can be safe? Is it, is it better for the relationship or is it like control? This is the

00:22:13.540 way I like it. And now you're just flexing some, some superiority over someone else for some worthless

00:22:19.900 reason, right? So connecting to the intent is, is one of the key things that I picked up from what

00:22:25.340 you said. Yeah, I think so. I also think a lot like we hear from a Christian perspective is you will be

00:22:31.820 judged by the same scrutiny that you judge others. And, and the reason I bring that up is with regards to

00:22:40.120 boundaries and preferences. We'll call them like a preference would be like, I like to have the

00:22:44.940 house cleaned like this. That's a preference. That's not a boundary. Yeah. It's an ask maybe.

00:22:48.940 Yeah. You should honor her preferences as well. Right? So if, if you're asking her to, can you flip

00:22:56.020 that mirror around and say, honestly, that you're willing to do that for her? I, I know I wasn't always

00:23:04.060 in my marriage and I won't say that's the downfall, but you add that to other things in the relationship

00:23:10.740 and it causes problems. I have high expectations and preferences. I want those things to be honored,

00:23:16.240 but if I examine it, was I really willing to do the same for her? And the answer is no, not,

00:23:24.420 not as much as I should have. Yeah. Yeah. Real quick nerdy psychology thing. So it's called the

00:23:31.160 fundamental attribution error. And what, what it is, is we attribute other people's shortcomings or

00:23:38.500 lack of performance per se, um, to their character when, but when it comes to us, we hold onto the

00:23:46.800 reasons, right? So it's like, well, am I delivering? Well, not probably where I should, but you know,

00:23:55.020 job is tough and you know, and I got this and this and that and that, but when it comes to my

00:24:00.140 judgments towards her, well, you know what I mean? It's because she's this way, right? And,

00:24:05.240 and we don't attribute any other possible, uh, you know, variables in, into our judgment towards

00:24:11.940 others. There's a quote that I heard in Ben Shapiro says this quite often, and I don't think

00:24:17.140 it's his quote. I think he's quoting somebody else. He says, never attribute to maliciousness,

00:24:20.840 what should be attributed to ignorance or stupidity, I think is what he says.

00:24:24.920 But I think that's typically the truth is that we'll go back to your, your spouse.

00:24:30.220 Like she's not doing the house out of like, not the way you like out of malicious intent.

00:24:35.580 Yeah. Yeah. Like she's not out to get him off today, right? She's not even, she's not even,

00:24:41.140 she doesn't even have enough free time in her day to think about how she can get at you. Okay. Like

00:24:45.680 you're not as important as you think you are. And so, and I won't say it's stupidity either,

00:24:50.920 because it's certainly not that, but it could be ignorant, but it's a form of ignorance.

00:24:55.360 It's ignorant. And look, when we hear ignorance, if I say Kip, you're ignorant. Okay. That sounds

00:25:01.200 like an insult. But if I say, but, and it, and it is kind of insulting in that, in that manner,

00:25:05.820 but the definition of ignorance is just not knowing is literally unaware. Yeah. Yeah. It's just not

00:25:12.300 knowing stupidity is knowing, but doing something dumb, right? Doing something different. That's,

00:25:17.600 that's stupidity. Ignorance is, I just don't know. So how do you address ignorance by talking about it?

00:25:24.040 Hey hon, you know, I've noticed that the house is a certain way when I get home and, and it really

00:25:29.660 causes me a lot of stress when I get home, when I see, you know, the, the books and toys and

00:25:34.400 everything all laying out. And it's just really nice to come home to a straight house, but maybe

00:25:38.280 I don't understand the full picture. Can you help me understand? And then she's like, oh yeah, well,

00:25:42.660 we were busy today and this and that, if it's an anomaly, that's, I wouldn't even worry about it.

00:25:46.220 But if it's a constant thing, like try to figure out our day, like, okay, tell me what's going on.

00:25:49.900 How can I help? What can we do? Yeah. But it's, it's typically just uncommunicated

00:25:54.200 preferences. Like I talked about earlier with a bunch of covert contracts and

00:25:59.540 frustrations and still wallowing, right? Instead. Yeah, exactly.

00:26:04.040 All right. Charles Phillips. My girlfriend suffers from anger issues stemming from anxiety

00:26:08.900 lately has gotten better, but from the flare-ups are worse. How can a man best lead a loved one

00:26:15.800 through their anger and anxiety issues? Therapy is ongoing to address the issue long-term,

00:26:20.740 but more in the moment is where I struggle. I'm going to say something that's controversial right now.

00:26:26.120 She's your girlfriend. And I don't know how long she's been. You guys have been together.

00:26:32.920 I don't know if there's kids in the mix. Like I don't know the details,

00:26:35.280 but without knowing the details, I want to tell you, she's your girlfriend.

00:26:39.900 I hope you understand what I'm saying. When I say that, if I need to be a little bit more clear,

00:26:43.440 let me say it this way. Are you sure you want to commit forever to this person?

00:26:48.900 And that might be controversial. People might not like what I have to say, but you know what?

00:26:52.800 This is going to impact your life. This is going to be tough. If she's angry now and she's in therapy

00:26:58.520 now, and she's dealing with these issues now, unless something drastic changes, and maybe it

00:27:03.800 does, maybe she has a growth mindset. And if she does great, like see if it improves and see what

00:27:08.060 you can do to help. But if it's been ongoing for years and years, and she's always dealt with this,

00:27:13.000 you have to ask yourself at this point, before you pop that ring on her finger,

00:27:17.940 is this some, is this the game I'm willing to, like, is this the field I want to play on?

00:27:24.380 Yeah. Do you agree with that Kip or disagree? And we'll get into more, some more details,

00:27:28.420 but what do you think about that? No, I totally agree. I mean, one thing's for sure. If,

00:27:33.660 if you're fighting and things are tough and, and trust me, people have this thought that they think,

00:27:40.800 oh, well, when we get married, it'll be better because I don't know, some elusive pipe dream idea

00:27:49.840 that things are going to get easier. They're not going to get easier. Guaranteed. They are going

00:27:55.540 to get more difficult. So now, Hey, if you're willing to commit, commit, right? But just be very

00:28:02.340 clear on what you're committing to and that the probability is going to get more difficult for sure.

00:28:07.160 That's, I mean, we have to address the elephant in the room. I mean, if we're like, we say we're

00:28:12.080 here to serve men. And if we're here to serve men, then you really have to ask yourself, is this the

00:28:16.520 game I want to play? If it is. All right. Yeah. Go ahead. And think about this, Ryan, you know,

00:28:22.220 this as much as I know, we could probably say most difficult difficulties in marriages are the bag is

00:28:30.720 the unfinished baggage that both people bring into the marriage project on their spouse. And then they

00:28:36.840 spend the rest of their marriage dealing with that. Right. So choose someone that has dealt with

00:28:44.360 some of it or has minimal amount of things to bring in the table and you do the same. So you can serve

00:28:51.860 your spouse in the most appropriate way possible. Right. But those are, those are the hardships you're

00:28:57.200 going to experience is all the trauma, anxiety, depression, stories, whatever you want to call them

00:29:03.180 from their childhood and their upbringing. And it's going to be thrown and projected on you in a very

00:29:07.880 unfair way. And that's what marriage is. And also, I think it should also be that you guys talk about

00:29:15.260 what your problems are, that that's a, that's a deal breaker for me. Yeah. Let me talk about a

00:29:20.560 boundary. If we're, if we're unwilling, if either one of us are unwilling or unable to communicate with

00:29:24.640 each other, I'm not interested in that relationship. So I think you should ask yourself what your

00:29:29.180 nothing's possible. Nothing's possible. And you know, look, what if we kick all of our problems

00:29:35.280 under the rug for a while? Like we could do that. I can do that. I'm mature enough to do that.

00:29:40.100 Like anybody I would date is mature enough to do that, but that's not what I want. Like I don't,

00:29:46.360 I want to address it early and often so that we can come to some, some mutual conclusions on,

00:29:50.740 on the things that we might be struggling with. Cause it is going to be a struggle. There's no,

00:29:53.460 there's no perfect woman out there. There's no perfect man out there. There's going to be a struggle.

00:29:57.040 Uh, okay. So what can you do to address these anger issues? I think going to therapy, even

00:30:03.200 letting her do her personal therapy, but I even think doing something together would be valuable.

00:30:07.420 And I'm not saying in exchange or to replace her personal therapy, she needs that, but I would go

00:30:13.500 actually, if, if therapy has proven to be valuable, I would try to do something together,

00:30:17.720 maybe with another therapist, because that might give you some tools, right? So if I've got a tool or

00:30:24.000 I've got a project that I'm working on, I'm building a, uh, a bed for my daughter right now.

00:30:28.900 So it's, you know, it's, it's, it's almost done. I've got 80, 90% of it done. And this weekend I

00:30:35.380 was putting some supporting brackets and things like that on it. And I needed to make some certain

00:30:39.500 cuts. Well, I didn't have the saw that I needed to make those cuts. So I went to home Depot and I

00:30:43.180 bought the miter saw that I needed, made the cuts easy, easy, right? Easy to get it done when you have

00:30:48.240 the right tools. Yeah. Now there's another way. Awesome. There's another way I could have done it.

00:30:53.300 I could have just drawn it on there and eyeballed it and sawed it with like a hand saw.

00:30:58.140 I could have got a miter box, which improves it a little bit, but still I got a saw with my hand.

00:31:03.080 Like there's other things I can do, but I have the best tool now, which is the miter saw.

00:31:07.300 That's the tool for the job. You might not have the tool for the job. You need to expand your toolbox

00:31:12.440 because you can't build the bunk bed. If you don't have the right tools, you can't have a

00:31:18.900 thriving marriage. If you don't have the right tools, you can't work her through anger issues.

00:31:24.480 If you don't have access to the right tools, you can bang your head against the wall and you can do

00:31:29.540 everything you think you're supposed to do. But if you don't have the right tools, it's not going to

00:31:33.340 work. And so you need somebody to introduce you to these tools. That might be a therapist now,

00:31:38.740 because you have the tools. Maybe it's different communication styles. Maybe it's activities.

00:31:44.500 Maybe it's learning to give her some space or some, some margins so she can focus. Maybe it's

00:31:49.600 how you respond to her when she is angry. If there's tools that you can learn, I would want to know what

00:31:55.360 those things were. I don't have those tools to give to you, but there are people out there who are

00:32:00.920 qualified and you need to seek those qualified people to use our analogy about Home Depot. If I need a

00:32:07.180 miter saw, but I go to bath and body, that I'm not going to be able to get my miter saw, bath and

00:32:11.860 body. What am I going to do? Like cut it with, like, like hack it with a pillow. Okay. So you need

00:32:18.440 to go to the right place to get the right tool and then you can perform what it is you're trying to

00:32:23.820 accomplish. Totally. And in the spirit of the tool analogy, make sure that you can deliver on the

00:32:31.940 tool. Right. Because that's the other thing is like most suffering exists where in our

00:32:37.340 interpretation. Right. And so one of the best things you can do, Charles, is make sure that

00:32:43.200 when those flare ups occur, that you're not reacting to them. Right. That your suffering isn't

00:32:48.960 like, oh my gosh, her anxiety is horrible because I'm now reacting based upon her, you know, her flare

00:32:55.920 up and what it means. And now, you know, I'm feeding the fire. So, and, and that's, what's

00:33:02.260 super tough about this. Um, but make sure that you're not adding to the fire and adding to the

00:33:07.480 problem based upon how you're reacting. Yeah. I mean, have you ever been around somebody who you're

00:33:12.280 like, man, I just really feel good when I'm around that person. Totally. And I, I can think of people

00:33:18.180 that I'm around where it's exhausting to be around and it's just, it's too much. Yeah. It's like

00:33:24.180 depressing. Yeah. So we, as men, I think should be the first, right. And we've heard this term,

00:33:29.420 maybe you have, I've heard it a lot is, and I didn't know what it meant. It took me a while to

00:33:32.780 interpret it, but hold space, this concept of holding space, you know, women tend to be a little

00:33:40.440 bit more susceptible. That's probably not the right word, a little bit more sensitive to their emotional

00:33:47.460 decision-making process. Right. And because of that, you're going to see generally, but you're going to

00:33:53.980 see a lot of, a lot more spikes, peaks, up and downs, peaks and valleys. Right. And our job as men is

00:34:00.860 not to be emotionless. I'm not saying that, but if you can hold the space, then in those highs,

00:34:06.840 you can bring her back down to earth in the lows. You can bring her back out of that pit that she

00:34:11.720 might be in, but you can't do that. If you're not on neutral ground, can't do that. If you're not

00:34:16.640 holding the space. And I'm not saying allow yourself to be a victim either. I'm not allowing,

00:34:20.380 I'm not saying like, if she's in an irate, you know, rage that you have to take it and listen

00:34:27.320 to all the, you know, her berate you or yell at you or call you names or profanity. I'm not saying

00:34:32.520 that at all. But if she's upset, you can be in an environment, a container where it's like, okay,

00:34:37.580 be upset, hon. Like what's going on? How are you feeling? What can I help you with? These are things

00:34:42.860 I wish I would have done better. But that idea of holding space is a valuable one.

00:34:47.500 Yeah. Greg Cleaver, moving more into leadership. I've given more thought into the important

00:34:53.380 qualities to grow, to embody the essence of leadership in myself. I believe the most important

00:34:59.120 quality of an effective leader is to take initiative, to be the first to live and act as an example of

00:35:04.600 anything you would as, as those whom you lead. I'm curious what your thoughts are about what you

00:35:10.940 both feel are the hallmark, hallmark traits of a vital and effective leader that I might be missing

00:35:17.540 here. I realized my thoughts might be a bit vague, but I was attempting to span the overall situation.

00:35:24.460 Yeah. It's an interesting question. I saw this one and I don't want to give a cop-out answer,

00:35:28.360 but I've tried to look at this a little differently than just giving you a laundry list of items that

00:35:32.560 you should do. We can do that. Um, and, and maybe we'll get to some of those points,

00:35:37.140 but here's what I would suggest is that the quality traits of a leader are the ones that he doesn't

00:35:43.640 currently possess. Like that's the most important quality a leader can develop the one he doesn't

00:35:50.580 possess. Right? Like if, so for example, I don't have any issue with initiative. Greg, you said

00:35:57.740 initiative is the most important. So does that mean I can check leader off the box? I have no problem

00:36:03.220 with initiative. If no problem, motivation, zero problem with drive. You know what I do have a

00:36:09.800 problem with empathy. So what's the most important leadership characteristic I can develop? It's not

00:36:15.120 initiative. I already have that. It's empathy. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So I think, I think

00:36:20.660 if you really want to be a leader, there isn't like do these 10 things, there's things you're already

00:36:24.660 good at, which is probably why you're in a leadership capability. And I look with Greg. I mean, I see him

00:36:29.600 like, I see him in the iron. I see him giving his comments and sharing his insights. He's a leader,

00:36:33.560 man. People follow him. I listened to him. I'm inspired by him. The way he communicates, the

00:36:37.440 message he shares, there's credibility. There's weight behind it. I see it. Yeah. So you're already

00:36:42.040 in that position. And now what we should be identifying as leaders is what can I do to be

00:36:46.300 better? Like what room for improvement do I have? So it's the one you don't have. Well, let's give a

00:36:52.260 couple of items, but I would like to know if you would add anything else to what I just said, Kip.

00:36:56.180 Yeah. It's an interesting school of thought, right? So there, there is, there's some evidence

00:37:03.100 and, and it's, it's not in contradiction to what you just said, but it's like a different

00:37:07.100 angle of this, that, that leaders should take what they're good at and become extraordinary

00:37:14.060 in them. And the reason why is because there's already a national talent, right? And, and that

00:37:20.660 the idea that when you're extraordinary and key elements, those end up not improving in

00:37:28.080 a vacuum and end up bringing other areas up. Does it make sense? And so you'll get better

00:37:34.340 momentum from a, from a development perspective as a leader. If you focus on something that

00:37:38.740 you're good at and become amazing at it. Now, with that said, that same school of thought

00:37:44.600 will say, if there's leadership traits that are quote unquote toxic, you have to address

00:37:50.620 them. And, and I would say empathy, integrity, there's a couple elements that I think if like

00:37:57.000 you're lacking in those, you got to sure them up. But let's say like, as an example, um,

00:38:04.780 geez, I'm really thinking, um, I wish I had a really good example. Geez. Yeah. I can't think

00:38:11.340 a really good example. I can pull up some pillars later actually, or maybe even another time, but,

00:38:16.080 but the, the point is, is you will get better momentum in development. If you focus on what

00:38:21.480 you're already good at, because you already have a passion around it. And, and they use examples of

00:38:26.800 like other leaders that are like, here's a perfect example, Steve jobs. You could ask the general

00:38:34.740 populace and people at Apple, Steve jobs was an amazing leader and people would say, yes,

00:38:38.760 but then you could ask also ask, say, well, gee, was Steve jobs like a complete jerk? And they'd be

00:38:43.360 like, oh yeah, the guy was a jerk. Well, hold on. How is that possible? Right? Like that's a negative

00:38:49.500 trait. Yeah. But he was so brilliant that people give passes in other areas. And so that's the,

00:38:57.640 that's at least that's the school of thought around that idea.

00:39:01.040 See, and look, I take that scenario with jobs and, um, I, and I agree with that, you know,

00:39:05.900 I had that assessment. Like I'm not interested in being that kind of leader personally.

00:39:10.280 Yeah. Especially one that, that that's that way anyway. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not interested in that.

00:39:16.720 Like I'm interested in creating a big movement and organization with what we're doing here,

00:39:21.060 but I care about the individual too. And I care about what goes on behind the business.

00:39:27.200 Like what's their personal life like, what they struggle with. I got, I'm interested in that.

00:39:30.980 And that's the kind of leader I want to be. Could I, could I be more effective as in growing

00:39:35.440 this organization? If I was more hard, maybe, I don't know, but I'm not interested in that.

00:39:40.480 Like I know what I want and I want to serve people. I wrote down some things here that I think might

00:39:46.100 help. I mean, there's the laundry list of items with regards to leadership. You know, initiative is

00:39:49.980 one he mentioned. Empathy is one I mentioned. Integrity is one you mentioned, but there's a couple here

00:39:55.260 that I think are a little outside the box. Number one is you have to be a great communicator.

00:40:01.540 Steve jobs was a great communicator. I'm pretty good communicator. Like anybody who leads effectively

00:40:06.220 is going to communicate well. And it doesn't mean that there is one communication style.

00:40:10.520 It means that they know how to take a message and deliver it in a way that's relevant to the person

00:40:15.980 they're communicating with. That's all powerful communication is. And so you need to change it.

00:40:20.540 If I'm talking with my seven-year-old, it's going to be different than the way Kip that I talk with you.

00:40:24.340 So is one is, was the way I showed up for him. What if I showed up for you the way I showed up

00:40:29.920 with him? Would that be effective communication? No, of course not. It'd be ridiculous. So we need

00:40:35.680 to have the ability to adapt. Number two, this one's a little outside the box. Optimism. I think leaders

00:40:43.040 are optimistic. I don't think they're unrealistic. I don't think they're pie in the sky people, but I

00:40:49.700 think they're optimists. I think that they believe that the sky isn't falling though either.

00:40:53.660 Right. There's a problem that can be solved. There's a solution to this. There's a path forward.

00:40:59.480 Yes, it's hard right now, but if we do this work, then it will be better. Like leaders are optimists.

00:41:05.680 Another one is they're problem solvers. They're not problem identifiers. Everybody's problem

00:41:12.360 identifier. If you were to go ask a hundred people, Hey, what's wrong with society today? Everybody would

00:41:17.700 have an answer. But if you ask the same people, okay, part two, the question, what should we do about it?

00:41:24.020 Significantly fewer people would have an answer to that question. So leaders are problem solvers.

00:41:29.280 They see the problems just like everybody else, but they see a path forward. And the last one I wrote

00:41:33.760 here is humility, meaning they don't need to be the center of attention. They don't need to always be

00:41:40.060 the one on stage. They don't need to be the one with the eyeballs on them all the time. Sometimes it's

00:41:46.040 necessary because a leader, you need to cast vision. You need to inspire and motivate. You need to give

00:41:51.280 direction. And sometimes it's necessary for you to get off of the stage. So there's room on the stage

00:41:58.000 for somebody else to stand. Like you can't do that. If you're filling up every single space

00:42:04.340 of the leadership development and growth of others, we sometimes are the bottleneck. I've talked about

00:42:10.280 that a lot within our organizations, order of man and iron council bottlenecks, bottlenecks, bottlenecks.

00:42:14.160 What if I'm the bottleneck? And what can I do to get myself out of the way to allow space for other

00:42:20.400 people to come in and fulfill roles and duties and responsibilities and perhaps do a better job

00:42:25.180 than even I could do myself?

00:42:26.260 Yeah. I think just to latch on the last thing is just servant leadership, man. When we get to a point

00:42:34.460 where it's not about us and we're creating opportunities for others, now you're a great

00:42:40.300 leader. When people can say, hey, I'm in Ryan's circle and there's no doubt that he wants the best

00:42:48.660 for me, he's coaching, he's helping me, and that the intent of his leadership is to better me as an

00:42:55.420 individual. Are you joking? Like imagine that kind of relationship with your boss where it's not like

00:43:01.740 trust is here, but it's no longer trust. It is, you know, they're there for you because they want

00:43:08.640 to see you win and they want to support you in it, man. Like if we can get to that level as leaders,

00:43:16.300 I think it's profound. One last thought, Greg, and this isn't like a, this isn't one of those traits,

00:43:21.840 but this is one of the things to consider when you think about leadership is we often look at our

00:43:27.720 abilities. And I'd say a lot of your traits are thinking kind of in the space of abilities. And

00:43:33.440 then we look at our effort and we'll go, oh, you know, I got these abilities and I'm putting in

00:43:38.340 effort. But the last thing that we consider is what is your impact? And it is fully possible that you can

00:43:45.700 be an amazing leader and bust your butt, but the impact is negative. And that maybe you're hitting

00:43:54.000 numbers from a work perspective, but you are even awake of disaster because you're not connected to

00:43:59.940 the impact that you're leading. And what another way of saying the impact relationships and what are

00:44:06.640 we doing for other people? So don't lose sight of the impact. Yeah. The only exception I would say,

00:44:12.860 are the only issue I took with that. And I, I agree so much with you on that, about the impact

00:44:18.060 that you said, you can be great. You can be a great leader and have the hard work and all that

00:44:23.580 stuff. But if you don't have the impact, I'd argue that if you don't have the impact, you're not a

00:44:27.360 great leader. Yeah. Yeah. Or you're getting the short game, right? Like you might have success

00:44:33.260 like at work, but it's, it's short lived because your support and those that you're, you're leading

00:44:39.880 to the wayside, right? The, the analogy I always use is like, we're going to summit Everest. Awesome

00:44:47.860 that you planted the flag, but is your whole crew dead in the process of something, right? It's like,

00:44:53.900 yeah, we don't want to summit and everyone's dead, right? Let's summit and everyone lives

00:44:58.600 and we all make it down the mountain together. I thought you brought up a good point too,

00:45:03.780 when you said when it's not about you. And so I wrote this question down, but how do you know

00:45:08.000 when it's not about you? And here's, here's what I would say. So this is how you can tell,

00:45:13.720 this is a good litmus test for how you can tell if it's your leadership is not about you.

00:45:17.300 And this is how your employees or your subordinates, your family members are going to know it's not

00:45:21.100 about you when they F up and you still have their back. Yeah. That's how, you know, it's not about you

00:45:29.740 because if you're one of your employees messes up and costs you 10 grand today and you lose your shit

00:45:35.340 and you lose your mind and you demote them and you berate them and you make them feel guilty and

00:45:41.480 horrible and you undermine them. It was about you. It was about the $10,000. It was about the bottom

00:45:47.780 line. If on the other hand, you put your arm around them and say, Hey, look, who you messed that

00:45:53.220 one up? Like that's a big problem, but you know what? All right. We got a problem on our hands.

00:45:59.440 We have a problem on our hands. So what are we going to do about this? And I allow, let's say

00:46:06.040 I'm talking to you, Kip. I allow you to come up with some solutions and say, Hey, yes, those are

00:46:09.480 good solutions. Here's another thought. Here's another thought. Kip, look, I know how you must

00:46:13.420 be feeling today. Look, I'm feeling it too. I'm angry. We just lost $10,000. I'm frustrated.

00:46:20.220 That's going to hurt our bottom line and impact our ability to serve other customers. But I also want

00:46:24.420 you to know stuff happens. And I think we can get through this. In fact, I'm so confident that we

00:46:30.040 can get through it that after the end of our $10,000 loss, we'll actually be better off because

00:46:35.600 we're going to learn new systems and procedures that are going to help us make more money down

00:46:38.660 the road. And we're going to grow from this. You're going to grow from this. I'm going to grow

00:46:42.940 from this. Chalk it up to learn. How much better do you feel? Like I wish I could say I was always that

00:46:48.900 way. It's hard. It's hard when things go south, but that's how you know. That's the way you know.

00:46:54.020 What was it about? Was it about that person or was it about you and your bottom line? That's how

00:46:58.600 you know. Yeah. Good question. All right. Travis Neville, how do I help support a buddy that is

00:47:08.180 in a toxic relationship with his girlfriend and her family? My friend has been in a relationship

00:47:12.980 with his girl for 25 years sometimes and it's getting worse. They fight constantly. It's about

00:47:18.060 the smallest things like he wore the wrong shoelaces. Not kidding. We were working out the other day

00:47:23.840 and he has to call to wake her up at 2 PM and they fought because he was at the gym. He is a good

00:47:29.480 guy, but he's the only person in his corner. I'm the only person in his corner. He has no family. So

00:47:35.260 I feel like if he's hanging onto this broken relationship and hope of having a family again,

00:47:40.820 the family doesn't respect him and treats him like crap. They control every aspect of his daughter's

00:47:45.080 life. He constantly talks about how bad it is, but won't break away. How can I set boundaries with

00:47:51.560 her? How can he set boundaries with her and the family and try to improve the situation? Or is it

00:47:56.680 a lost cause? So how does he have this relationship with his buddy? Right? I mean, that's, that's the

00:48:03.840 bigger. Yeah. You're not going to like my answer. You've already done everything you can do. Like,

00:48:09.520 I know you have, I know you have, cause you're asking this question, which means you've tried other

00:48:13.980 things and it's not working. You've Travis brother, you've done enough. Anything that you do now

00:48:21.360 might actually be inappropriate because he's not interested in it. So he's unwilling to do the

00:48:27.140 thing that's making you sick. Yeah. Tell me this. When's the last time you appreciated being nagged

00:48:32.040 about something that somebody already told you about, even if they were right. Like when's the last

00:48:37.020 time you appreciated that, found value in that, acted on that and felt better because you did it

00:48:42.780 and changed your ways because of it. Yeah. Never, never. You've already done everything that you

00:48:51.460 can do. So just keep doing that. The hard part for men is that we want to experience results.

00:48:57.840 We want to change people. We want to see their growth and progress. You don't have control over

00:49:03.340 that. And so the best thing we talk about is all the time. This is the core of sovereignty doing the

00:49:09.120 right thing because it's the right thing to do. And how do you know is that, would you still do it

00:49:14.100 if you knew that it wouldn't produce the results that you desired? Would you still be this guy's

00:49:19.340 friend knowing that he's never going to implement the things that you're sharing with him that you

00:49:23.840 know would positively impact his life? Would you still do it? Yeah. I'd still be his friend. Then be

00:49:29.180 his friend because that's the right thing to do. He's done, man. He's done hearing about what you

00:49:34.280 think he's done hearing about the boundaries. And even if he isn't, he's not willing to implement

00:49:38.880 it. The only exception to that is if at some point down the road, he has enough and he comes to you

00:49:44.000 because you've created a friendship with him. And he said, Travis, man, you were telling me something

00:49:48.640 last month and I just wasn't in the space to listen, but you were talking about boundaries.

00:49:53.060 What was that again? That's a new opening for you to be able to have this continued conversation,

00:49:58.660 but the balls in his court. Don't go steal his basketball. He's the one who needs to make the

00:50:04.480 shot. He's the one who needs to go to play the game. You can't go over there and hog the ball.

00:50:08.760 It's his game. So you can coach him and you can consult him and you can counsel him and you can

00:50:13.440 befriend him and you can do all the things that you're doing right now. But at the end of the day,

00:50:16.220 if he's not willing to do it, that's on him, not you. Congratulations to you for doing everything

00:50:20.480 that you could. Now leave it alone. Just be a friend. Just invite him to the lake. Just invite him to

00:50:27.220 dinner. Go on a hunt. Don't talk about his girlfriend anymore. Don't talk about all the

00:50:32.300 things that he's doing wrong and what he should be doing. Talk about baseball. Talk about sports.

00:50:36.360 Talk about hunting. Talk about lifting. He clearly cares about lifting. Talk about his next competition.

00:50:41.540 That's it. And that's also really nice because now you can have a fun relationship with a guy

00:50:46.620 and you might be his only outlet, his only reprieve from whatever else is going on in his life.

00:50:53.600 And now he enjoys being around you, which is good. That's what you want.

00:50:56.400 Because at some point he may or may not come around and want to have some other conversations,

00:51:02.540 but you've already had the conversations. Just stop now.

00:51:05.660 And him letting go of it's going to, he's going to have a better relationship with his buddy

00:51:09.760 by letting go of those expectations of the way it should or should not be as well.

00:51:14.720 It's just a, it's just a shitty answer because it's like,

00:51:18.760 what do I want to do that produces results? You just can't.

00:51:22.400 Nothing. Give us the expectation of the results.

00:51:27.480 Yeah, it is.

00:51:28.540 And even if he did listen to you, it guys,

00:51:31.580 at the root of this entire comment that Ryan just said,

00:51:35.600 is the idea that there's a major difference between people taking action

00:51:40.600 because they've outsourced their life to someone else.

00:51:44.040 And I'm just going to do it because Ryan said so versus someone finding the answer for themselves

00:51:50.420 or coming to the conclusion on their own that they need to do something.

00:51:55.560 There's a night and day difference of those two situations.

00:51:58.640 And one will progress or one will give results.

00:52:02.020 The other one, he'll take some actions.

00:52:04.560 It won't go the way he wants it to go.

00:52:06.320 Then he'll blame you that he listened to you.

00:52:08.060 That's not how change is done.

00:52:10.960 He has to figure it out for himself.

00:52:13.360 Yeah.

00:52:14.580 I think about the analogy of, of lifting weights.

00:52:17.300 And this might be helpful because this guy's fit, you know, he's into fitness.

00:52:21.300 If I went to the gym this morning and I took a picture of before picture of me going to the gym.

00:52:26.640 And then after I took an after picture, what do you think if that's what I was basing my performance on

00:52:32.440 or, or me being active in the gym, do you think I'd go back?

00:52:35.620 No, I wouldn't go back.

00:52:37.260 And you're like, cause I didn't see a good, I was like, I looked, I looked the same.

00:52:42.620 I'm sore.

00:52:43.340 That's the only difference between the before and after is I'm sore and tired, tired.

00:52:47.820 Like, so I'm not going back, but what would, what would a fitness guy tell you?

00:52:53.040 Be like, no, just what should I do?

00:52:54.660 You ask him, well, man, I didn't experience any results.

00:52:56.840 What should I do?

00:52:57.640 You should go back tomorrow.

00:52:58.960 You could do that for a week.

00:53:00.040 You could do that for a month.

00:53:02.000 After a month, I think you'd start to see some progress.

00:53:04.200 If you don't, you're, you might be doing it wrong, but it takes a long time.

00:53:08.620 And sometimes doing the right thing, the best course of action is if you're doing the right

00:53:13.260 thing, the best course of action is to keep doing the right thing, even though you're not

00:53:17.180 experiencing the result that you desire yet.

00:53:19.220 You will, you will.

00:53:22.000 Ryan Chambers, considering the current deterioration of traditional gender roles, what are some potential

00:53:29.160 future challenges that you see for sovereign masculine men in the next five to 10 years?

00:53:34.840 Oh, well, I think it's more of the same.

00:53:36.120 I think the biggest confusion that we're going to have is, or the biggest challenge we're going

00:53:39.140 to have is confusion.

00:53:40.320 We're going to be confused about what our role is.

00:53:42.820 And we see that with feminism.

00:53:44.400 You see men who want to step up.

00:53:46.020 You even hear women who are like, I like a strong, assertive, take charge kind of guy.

00:53:51.280 And then you look at their man and they're not that kind of man because, you know, the

00:53:55.080 woman's out in the workforce doing the thing that she's doing and she's trying to be the

00:53:58.220 man.

00:53:58.600 It's like, okay, well, you say you want a strong, assertive man, but your actions speak

00:54:01.700 otherwise.

00:54:02.340 And you're going to see more and more of that.

00:54:04.720 You're going to see these more and more women who are acting more like men, more men

00:54:09.880 who are acting more like women, and neither are going to be fulfilled.

00:54:13.400 Like we see the data.

00:54:15.280 We see the numbers.

00:54:16.860 We know how miserable people are.

00:54:18.680 We know how miserable women are if they don't decide to have a family.

00:54:22.460 These are generalities.

00:54:23.500 I'm not saying there aren't exceptions.

00:54:24.640 There are, but we see the numbers.

00:54:26.900 We see the data for guys who don't feel like men.

00:54:30.660 We see declining testosterone rates.

00:54:32.940 We see depression and anxiety and suicide rates as high as they are for men up to four

00:54:38.140 to five times higher than that of women.

00:54:40.180 Like these are serious problems.

00:54:42.020 And so I don't think there's going to be new problems necessarily, but I think they're

00:54:46.200 going to be exacerbated.

00:54:47.680 And then I also think these problems are going to be perpetuated by governments who want to

00:54:53.340 undermine what it means to be a man, who want to undermine what it means to be a woman.

00:54:56.640 And then is there really any question why nobody's fulfilled?

00:54:59.680 You took away half the equation.

00:55:01.480 You took away a hundred percent of the equation, man plus woman equals fulfillment.

00:55:06.680 And we continue to take those out of the equation.

00:55:10.020 We conflate what a man is with a woman and vice versa.

00:55:12.540 And then we expect this is going to create some sort of fulfillment and satisfaction in life.

00:55:16.180 If it's not.

00:55:17.140 So the best thing a man can do is be a man so that we can create space, hold space, as we

00:55:26.020 said earlier, for women to be women.

00:55:28.180 If we can't fulfill those roles, then they are left believing, even if it's just perpetuated

00:55:34.120 by governments and school institutions that they have to do both roles.

00:55:40.080 I mean, they can, but they're going to burn out really, really quickly.

00:55:43.580 So we need to step up as men, strong, righteous, bold, capable, assertive protectors, providers,

00:55:51.680 and presiders so that the women in our lives have the space to be kind and lovely and empathetic

00:55:59.740 and nurturing and supportive.

00:56:03.620 That's not bad.

00:56:04.760 I'm not saying that's bad.

00:56:05.780 Some people interpret that as it is.

00:56:07.500 This is a partnership.

00:56:09.360 And when we both fulfill our responsibilities, both sexes tend to be happier.

00:56:15.600 George Sykes, how do you know when you're following God's will?

00:56:21.180 As a four-year recovering codependent, almost one-year recovering alcoholic and addict, and

00:56:28.320 a brand new Christian, I'm struggling with following God's will.

00:56:31.320 I do not know what he wants from me, nor do I know how to know what he wants from me, and

00:56:37.900 I am, and am I a mess on some days?

00:56:42.060 Thanks, Sheldon.

00:56:42.800 Love you all.

00:56:44.560 When you start to believe that you have things figured out, I would question whether or not

00:56:50.920 I'm now relying on God.

00:56:54.560 I've got this.

00:56:55.620 I'm good at this.

00:56:56.340 Man, I'm doing awesome.

00:56:57.620 Look at me.

00:56:58.300 Look how great I am.

00:56:59.220 I'm successful.

00:57:00.060 I'm thriving.

00:57:02.100 Oh, I don't think we're following God's plan anymore because that isn't.

00:57:06.940 He wants you to be humble and grow.

00:57:09.600 He wants you to be meek.

00:57:11.760 He wants you to, like you said, to grow and you don't grow by believing you have everything

00:57:15.920 figured out.

00:57:16.660 So George, if you're confused, you might actually, that might be a pretty good indicator.

00:57:21.580 You're following his plan.

00:57:23.560 Like I'm confused.

00:57:24.980 I'm frustrated.

00:57:25.600 I check in every day.

00:57:27.180 I don't know if I'm on the right path.

00:57:28.780 I'm trying to do good.

00:57:29.860 I'm trying to follow his plan.

00:57:31.320 Those are all positions of humility, which means that you're on the path.

00:57:35.700 You are on the path.

00:57:36.940 It doesn't always feel comfortable.

00:57:39.260 And that's the hard thing.

00:57:40.900 I mean, that's like anything, right?

00:57:42.480 When you're on the path to business growth, there's a lot of painful lessons in there.

00:57:47.340 When you're on the path to physical prowess and physical fitness, there's a lot of pain, like

00:57:52.960 physically painful lessons in there that you have to work through, whether it's just general

00:57:57.220 soreness from lifting, or maybe it's a potential injury that you're dealing with and trying

00:58:01.260 to overcome.

00:58:01.960 I've had plenty of both.

00:58:03.740 So I would say that that's a pretty good indicator that level of humility that you have, because

00:58:10.780 it keeps you asking if you're on the right path.

00:58:14.320 And as long as you're doing that, praying daily, reading scripture, coming to him with

00:58:20.380 an open heart and a humble heart, and then approaching life, not from the position of,

00:58:24.360 you know, but here I am to learn, direct me.

00:58:27.460 What should I do now?

00:58:28.800 And then do it.

00:58:29.800 And by the way, also evaluate it too.

00:58:31.820 Like you should evaluate, Hey, you know, I did this thing.

00:58:34.760 Here's the thing that I think Christians have, a lot of Christians get wrong.

00:58:38.840 They pray for things like, give me things.

00:58:42.740 God, give me success.

00:58:44.140 Give me notoriety.

00:58:45.740 Give me this.

00:58:46.600 Give me, Oh, I want this.

00:58:47.580 Like, please help me have the money for this.

00:58:49.180 Like, give me this.

00:58:49.840 Like, Oh, I'm in this tough situation at work.

00:58:52.240 What should I do?

00:58:52.840 Give me the answer.

00:58:54.160 I don't think it works like that.

00:58:56.320 I think you need to do your part.

00:58:58.500 And your part is, here's how I try to pray.

00:59:01.820 God, I'm in this tough spot.

00:59:04.060 I'm going through, I went through this divorce with my wife and my family's is falling apart

00:59:07.900 and I'm struggling and I'm on my knees and I am so lost.

00:59:11.580 I'm so confused.

00:59:12.760 I'm emotionally distraught.

00:59:14.560 It's horrible.

00:59:15.280 I never thought I would find myself in this position.

00:59:17.580 What should I do?

00:59:18.740 No, that's not it.

00:59:20.340 Here's what I think I should do.

00:59:22.600 I've spent time thinking about what I should do, how I should approach it.

00:59:26.580 Can you tell me, can you let me know, am I thinking this right?

00:59:30.800 Like, help me understand if this is the right path for me.

00:59:35.380 And then I try to stay in tune with the decision I made.

00:59:38.420 Like God, like God gave us agency, right?

00:59:41.560 Like he gave us the ability to choose.

00:59:44.880 Imagine that you give a gift to your child.

00:59:47.520 You give your child a brand new set of Legos and he never opens it.

00:59:51.720 He never plays with it.

00:59:53.420 He just leaves it somewhere packed on the shelf.

00:59:56.480 And all it does is collect dust.

00:59:57.980 How much did he honor that gift?

01:00:00.560 How much did he appreciate that gift?

01:00:02.420 He didn't at all.

01:00:03.600 And so if you have free agency and free will and you're not exercising it, you're spitting

01:00:08.260 in the face of God.

01:00:09.480 He gave you that to use it.

01:00:11.180 Like you use your agency, make decisions.

01:00:14.700 I have faith that you can make decisions.

01:00:16.480 I trust that you can make good decisions with my guidance and my help and my support.

01:00:20.240 So make fricking decisions.

01:00:22.060 And then you can come back to me and ask if you're doing it right and I will guide you.

01:00:27.100 But you have the power to make decisions and shame on us if we don't make those decisions

01:00:31.800 and exercise our free will.

01:00:34.160 Totally.

01:00:34.560 And I think if, if George, if there's a sense of like, man, uh, you know, you're paralyzed

01:00:40.380 by paralysis, you know, like you're overanalyzing this and you're just like, I don't know.

01:00:44.720 Well, what's God's plan period.

01:00:47.580 Right.

01:00:47.980 And get clear on the intent of what he would want and then act in that direction, in that

01:00:54.420 general direction of like, Hey, you know, back to what you're saying, what does he want

01:00:58.500 you to grow?

01:00:59.820 Try to serve other people.

01:01:01.360 Yes.

01:01:01.860 Right.

01:01:02.720 So start in those areas and, and, and you're going in the right direction and then fine tune.

01:01:09.400 Anytime I get arrogant, I just know that I'm not following his path.

01:01:14.080 I started to get too big for my britches.

01:01:16.180 You know, we hear the pride comes before the fall.

01:01:19.360 Anytime you start to feel like that, you know, you're deviating from the path, but if you're

01:01:25.300 humble, I like that open.

01:01:27.060 I mean, that's pretty simple.

01:01:28.380 Right.

01:01:29.280 And I think that's, I I'm, I'm not a biblical scholar, but that's a, that's a biblical principle.

01:01:34.200 Humility.

01:01:35.920 And anytime you get overly confident and arrogant, you're on the wrong path, buddy, you better get

01:01:41.460 off that path or he'll bump you off that path if he needs to.

01:01:44.760 Yeah.

01:01:45.120 Cause the intent is for you to grow.

01:01:47.820 Right.

01:01:48.620 Which is where I'm at, by the way, in my own life.

01:01:50.800 Like I was probably like, I, I didn't take myself off the path.

01:01:55.680 I got bumped.

01:01:57.180 I got, you know, foot stomped off the path, like, like 300, like foot to the chest into

01:02:04.040 the pit stomped off the path.

01:02:05.900 And, you know, it's hard, but also there's a lot of growth happening right now.

01:02:12.020 All right.

01:02:12.500 What's next?

01:02:13.640 Brandon Bonner.

01:02:14.880 My son is three and a half years old and is becoming aggressive, hitting his little brother

01:02:19.720 and his mom.

01:02:20.740 He doesn't really try to hit me, but you can tell sometimes he wants to.

01:02:24.540 As a father, what kind of strategies have you found that work with discipline or discouraging

01:02:30.280 young kids from being aggressive?

01:02:33.220 Bro, you fight him.

01:02:34.200 Fight his ass.

01:02:35.900 Like, of course, of course, I was like, he hasn't hit you yet.

01:02:40.880 Of course, he's trying to hit you.

01:02:42.480 Of course, he's trying to fight and kick and kick people in the balls.

01:02:46.100 Like you need to fight him.

01:02:48.020 I'm not saying beat the hell out of him.

01:02:50.000 Okay.

01:02:50.280 So please don't take that out of context.

01:02:52.080 I'm saying jump on Amazon today and go buy yourself some mats and five o'clock is father's

01:02:59.940 son beat down WrestleMania every night, Monday through Friday.

01:03:04.520 Totally.

01:03:05.040 And then what you do in those moments is you teach him appropriate use of physicality.

01:03:09.740 So if he and he's going to try to do this, he's going to try to punch you in the nuts.

01:03:13.240 He's going to try to punch you in the nuts.

01:03:14.880 And your response is, hey, we can be here and we can wrestle and we can play and we can fight.

01:03:21.300 But when you do that, I'm not going to play with you.

01:03:25.260 And then the next time he does it, you stop playing.

01:03:27.580 You stop fighting him.

01:03:28.940 And he's like, oh, I don't want that.

01:03:31.260 Okay.

01:03:31.500 I'll be better next time.

01:03:32.440 If he tries to bite you or any of these things, like the terms he used, what was the last thing?

01:03:38.980 How do I, what was like check his behavior?

01:03:41.140 This is the part, you're right.

01:03:42.960 How do I strategies that work with this, with discouraging young kids from being aggressive?

01:03:50.960 Don't discourage it.

01:03:52.560 Harness it.

01:03:53.340 Don't do it.

01:03:54.200 Harness it.

01:03:54.960 Yeah.

01:03:55.200 Especially for boys, because look, if you discourage it, it's not like, oh, I discouraged it.

01:03:59.900 Now he's better.

01:04:00.680 He's healed.

01:04:01.940 No, it's all mass.

01:04:02.860 It's going to lash out.

01:04:04.340 Yeah.

01:04:04.540 And it's going to lash out a different way.

01:04:06.260 He's going to go shoot, shoot up a mall or a school in 20 years.

01:04:10.300 Okay.

01:04:10.760 Like don't discourage it, encourage, foster and harness it.

01:04:17.880 And that's your job as a man and his dad.

01:04:21.640 Matt, so go spend 200 bucks or whatever it is and send me a picture, by the way, you're

01:04:26.820 in the iron council.

01:04:27.800 So you better send me a picture in the next couple of days of you and him on mats fighting.

01:04:34.380 And if I don't see that, I'm going to be disappointed.

01:04:37.240 Yeah.

01:04:37.700 Getting him some gloves too.

01:04:39.140 Like there's.

01:04:39.900 Totally.

01:04:40.780 Yeah.

01:04:41.700 Embrace.

01:04:42.300 It's great.

01:04:42.840 Yeah.

01:04:43.440 It's like, don't, Hey, don't hit your sister, but here's a punching bag.

01:04:47.320 You can hit all you want.

01:04:49.400 Yeah.

01:04:49.800 Like, Oh, you want to fight?

01:04:52.440 Cool.

01:04:53.240 Mats, five minutes.

01:04:54.680 Be there.

01:04:55.140 I'll see you there.

01:04:56.560 Then get after it.

01:04:58.040 Little punk.

01:04:58.680 I'm going to throw down.

01:05:02.080 Brandon, if you haven't read the boy crisis, I would recommend that book.

01:05:07.580 If you have a boy, a young boy before he gets any older, read that book, utilize that

01:05:14.100 as some counsel for us on, on how we can show up powerfully for our boys.

01:05:17.400 Yeah.

01:05:18.580 He has some interesting, and I think Jordan's Jordan Peterson has referenced this data as

01:05:22.940 well.

01:05:23.440 Uh, the importance of rough and tumble play is the term they use and how sons and daughters

01:05:30.380 learn boundaries, uh, learn a lot about social interactions through not telling them not to

01:05:38.880 hit, but teaching them how to react in constructive environments.

01:05:42.780 Yeah, totally.

01:05:45.420 All right, man.

01:05:45.900 We got one more question.

01:05:47.120 You want to go for it?

01:05:47.580 Okay, one more.

01:05:47.720 Let's do it.

01:05:48.140 Yeah, let's get it done.

01:05:49.040 All right.

01:05:49.920 Clayton Biden, last week you mentioned online dating apps.

01:05:53.300 See, we knew it was coming.

01:05:54.460 What's his last name?

01:05:55.300 Biden?

01:05:56.680 Biden.

01:05:57.480 That's unfortunate.

01:05:58.160 Don't judge him.

01:05:58.980 Proceed.

01:05:59.420 Okay.

01:05:59.860 What are, what are some of your thoughts, opinions, challenges, and experiences regarding

01:06:05.500 online dating versus meeting people face to face?

01:06:09.260 Considering how the dating market has changed over the past 20 years, I believe many men today

01:06:13.360 are afraid to approach people in real life and feel safer swiping away virtually.

01:06:19.300 And then he asks, do you see any role of artificial intelligence or AI on dating app programs?

01:06:25.000 Well, there's definitely less risk approaching, if you even want to call it that, approaching

01:06:31.300 women online.

01:06:32.420 Totally.

01:06:33.380 Because you don't have to deal with the consequence of getting rejected.

01:06:36.280 I mean, there's still a level of rejection, but it's not as significant as a woman saying,

01:06:40.460 no, you can't have my phone number, you know?

01:06:42.680 Well, and I even think it, I even think it, it, it, it could be better.

01:06:47.000 Like, like, let me give you this way.

01:06:49.240 So if I'm excited about chatting with some chick online and I don't, so don't like, you know,

01:06:53.840 read into this, but if I, if I'm excited about chatting with some chick and, and I'm in the

01:06:59.100 context of what we're talking about, then I'm going to like, and you're even pausing,

01:07:05.560 right?

01:07:05.740 Like it's not even immediate reply, right?

01:07:07.840 It's like, uh, Ryan writes something and I, you, you wait 10 minutes and you reply back.

01:07:12.180 It's like, of course I'm witty because I have 10 minutes to like come up with a great response.

01:07:18.120 So smart and funny.

01:07:19.780 And yeah.

01:07:20.000 So all the communication is going to be superior because there's all these massive gaps.

01:07:25.280 I can imagine doing that face-to-face.

01:07:26.960 You say something, then the person just sits there for like five minutes and then they say

01:07:32.280 it, you're like, you know, we, after you started another conversation, but that's exactly

01:07:36.900 what's happening.

01:07:37.820 Right.

01:07:38.160 And, and so the conversation is always going to go how you want it to go, or it's going,

01:07:42.800 you're going to read it in the context of where you want it to go because you're adding

01:07:47.920 meaning to the text and everyone has all this time to prep the perfect response constantly.

01:07:53.780 Yeah.

01:07:54.900 Okay.

01:07:55.580 So fascinating.

01:07:56.640 It is, but you know, also there it's amazing too.

01:08:00.460 Like it truly is amazing.

01:08:01.960 So I think about, it is amazing.

01:08:03.800 I'm big into analogies obviously.

01:08:05.400 And so here's one for you, imagine you're a builder and you want to build this big, beautiful

01:08:08.900 home and you've got a lot of business and you're trying to build these homes.

01:08:13.820 And so what do you do?

01:08:14.820 You go out and you invest in a high-end air compressor and a nail gun and you get the

01:08:21.260 right tools, right?

01:08:22.120 So let's take a nail gun.

01:08:23.380 Beautiful.

01:08:23.900 You get the two before us and you, I mean, seamless.

01:08:27.820 It doesn't exert very much energy.

01:08:30.140 The nail is driven in on the first one.

01:08:32.040 It's very efficient, very effective.

01:08:34.080 It's good.

01:08:34.640 Does that mean that you shouldn't know how to hammer a nail?

01:08:37.260 Cause sometimes you may not know how to have the nail gun and you still should know how

01:08:40.880 to hammer a nail into a stud to create this, this home that you're trying to build, but

01:08:45.820 just because it's available or just because it might be easier doesn't mean you shouldn't

01:08:51.900 use it.

01:08:52.360 I think you should use both.

01:08:53.520 If you're in the dating space, I mean, what greater way to test an approach by doing it

01:08:59.340 online when there's zero risk at all, you know?

01:09:03.800 And, and so it's a great way to, to test your approach with women in a, a non-threatening

01:09:10.940 environment.

01:09:11.420 I mean, there's no consequence to you for trying to approach a woman or strike up a conversation

01:09:16.600 online.

01:09:17.060 Like there is in person.

01:09:19.300 So yeah, use both.

01:09:21.380 I do.

01:09:22.680 Go ahead.

01:09:23.200 I was going to say, I remember someone making a comment once with you and I on this podcast,

01:09:29.080 maybe there's a question where some guy said, I'm, they, I can't remember the language they

01:09:34.700 use, but they use some type of language that was like, they haven't met them yet.

01:09:38.920 Like they were chatting up a girl online and it's like, Whoa, hold on guys.

01:09:44.380 That's not a relationship.

01:09:45.780 So let's be really clear.

01:09:47.220 This is a great tool, but ultimately, yeah, it should, you need to actually be a face-to-face

01:09:55.840 thing.

01:09:56.240 Yeah.

01:09:56.920 But I wouldn't say the same thing.

01:09:58.940 So here's where, here's where a lot of men go wrong.

01:10:01.380 I think in dating is they have too high expectations, not for the women they want to date, but for

01:10:07.160 the way that a thing will go.

01:10:10.340 So if you approach a woman with the expectation that you're going to get a date with her and

01:10:16.260 she's going to be your next wife, or maybe you'll get lucky and you'll get laid and you put all

01:10:20.340 these things in place that you want to have happen, it's going to create weirdness and

01:10:25.940 awkwardness for you, which will naturally be communicated to her.

01:10:31.100 So what I would suggest is just drop the expectation.

01:10:34.800 Like you still, and I'm again, I want to reiterate.

01:10:36.800 I'm not saying the expectation of having a beautiful, lovely kind, whatever you're, you

01:10:40.680 know, the woman that you're after.

01:10:41.520 I'm not saying that I'm saying of what will happen.

01:10:43.900 And if you drop that, then you can just go have fun.

01:10:48.000 So if you're in the grocery store and you're trying to figure out how to approach women,

01:10:51.180 then you should try to make the, the gal at, in line at the grocery store laugh, like

01:10:57.980 not to get her number, not to get a date.

01:10:59.620 Just like, just see if you can make her laugh.

01:11:01.500 Cause if you can make her laugh, then well done.

01:11:04.500 You know how to make a woman laugh from nothing to now she's laughing with you.

01:11:08.380 Right.

01:11:08.800 Or, you know, you're at the, you're at an encounter.

01:11:12.040 Um, I'm just trying to think of a scenario.

01:11:14.560 Maybe there's a woman that you, she's like a customer service rep at the, uh, at the car

01:11:19.280 dealership.

01:11:19.800 You've got your car serviced at and you are the DMV.

01:11:23.320 That's you.

01:11:23.760 That's even better example.

01:11:24.660 The post office or the DMV.

01:11:26.380 And she's miserable, of course, cause all of them are miserable.

01:11:29.480 Just see if you can get her to smile.

01:11:31.700 Just see if you can say something like, Hey, I'm here's, here's my goal day.

01:11:34.900 Like, I'm going to see if I can do something or say something to get her to smile.

01:11:38.520 And that's it.

01:11:39.260 And if you do, you're like, Oh, cool.

01:11:40.400 That worked.

01:11:40.840 And that builds a little bit of your confidence when you're at the gym and you see an attractive

01:11:44.600 woman, like don't go hound her, you know, but maybe there is something

01:11:48.920 that, that you can say like, Oh, excuse me.

01:11:52.220 Are you using, are you using this bench?

01:11:54.160 I see some weights, but clearly she's not using it.

01:11:57.100 Right.

01:11:57.400 Cause you know, she's over there, but it's close enough where maybe she could, but it

01:12:00.260 also gives you an opportunity to say something to her.

01:12:02.300 Just say that, Hey, I know you're over here, but we're using this too.

01:12:05.460 And she's going to say, Oh no.

01:12:06.220 Say, okay, cool.

01:12:06.840 Thanks.

01:12:07.800 That's a little win.

01:12:08.940 Now you communicated with her.

01:12:10.180 You striked up a conversation from nothing and you created an opportunity for yourself.

01:12:15.540 So we have to drop those expectations of what could happen.

01:12:18.140 And by the way, you should also, if you're trying to date women, you should also talk

01:12:24.360 to ugly women because you don't care if an ugly woman responds to you the way that you

01:12:28.740 want them to respond, but it will help you improve your ability to talk with pressure

01:12:32.580 is not as high.

01:12:33.560 Yeah.

01:12:33.860 That's what I'm saying.

01:12:35.380 So you should talk with everybody guys too.

01:12:39.080 And I'm not saying you're gay.

01:12:40.460 I'm saying that learn how to approach people, learn how to communicate with people, because

01:12:46.060 if you can do it with a dude or you can do it with an ugly woman, then it's going to

01:12:49.660 be easier when you see that attractive woman, you'd really like to take on a date.

01:12:54.400 Yeah.

01:12:55.120 That's funny.

01:12:56.520 Here's a, here's a challenge really quick.

01:12:58.460 Um, I read this, this is before Ted talks were Ted talks.

01:13:03.020 This is a long, I'm dating myself here.

01:13:04.860 This is a long time ago there.

01:13:06.800 And I don't even remember who the speaker is, but if you Googled paradox of choice, there's

01:13:11.640 this Google talk of, from this, uh, psych, uh, the neuroscientist and he talks or psychiatrist

01:13:18.040 that talks about, there's always a paradox of choice.

01:13:20.980 This is what I think is the challenge facing people nowadays with online dating before you

01:13:28.200 lived in a village and there was like five girls.

01:13:33.060 And if, if you happen to date the one you liked, that was maybe the prettiest or the kindest

01:13:38.460 or whatever, and you married her, your confidence in that selection was super high, but now what's

01:13:48.220 the process, what's the possibilities for you millions globally.

01:13:54.180 And so what happens is there's a paradox of when we had too many options available to us,

01:14:00.140 we will question whether our choice was the right choice.

01:14:05.260 That is the dilemma because now it's, Oh, I I'm going to marry my wife.

01:14:11.460 The possibility of you going into that marriage with the idea that maybe she wasn't the best

01:14:18.260 and there was better, better options or endless possibilities will alter the confidence that

01:14:23.600 you have in the relationship.

01:14:24.540 And here's, here's the rub.

01:14:26.460 Statistically, if your confidence is high during the courting process, that will determine more

01:14:35.540 success in a marriage than, than any other thing.

01:14:40.420 Hmm.

01:14:40.800 Interesting.

01:14:41.520 Momentum.

01:14:42.520 Momentum is really what it is.

01:14:44.160 But if you go into it, like statistically, like, ah, it's, you know, we'll make it work.

01:14:48.520 Oh no.

01:14:50.700 If your thought is I'll make it work or it will get better.

01:14:54.580 Look at that thought process that it's not ideal.

01:14:57.820 It's not the ideal state, but we'll find a way.

01:15:01.260 Oh, that's a disaster.

01:15:03.220 So be very careful with this idea of it's, it's going, I think it's going to statistically

01:15:09.580 be more difficult for people to make lasting commitments because of the availability of

01:15:15.280 options placed before them.

01:15:17.700 I, I don't know what you do with it, but it's, it's reality.

01:15:22.880 It's the reality you live in.

01:15:23.860 It's, it's craziness.

01:15:25.600 Well, I think what you do with it is you use it to your advantage, knowing that you don't

01:15:29.420 have to settle for somebody you're not excited about.

01:15:33.220 I mean, yeah, there's how many women are on this planet.

01:15:37.000 Yeah.

01:15:37.500 And, and then, you know, in the meantime, making yourself capable of attracting high

01:15:41.120 quality, high value women, you know, and, and you should focus on that and you should

01:15:46.860 focus on how to communicate with women and men and how to approach people and how to make

01:15:51.480 people laugh, both women and men.

01:15:53.300 And this just isn't an issue.

01:15:55.920 It's just not an issue.

01:15:56.920 If you're doing those exactly.

01:15:58.960 Or maybe you are, I don't know, whatever, but I would just get the point.

01:16:04.280 Get the point.

01:16:05.500 Awesome.

01:16:06.400 All right.

01:16:06.820 All right.

01:16:07.200 Should we wrap it up?

01:16:08.280 Yeah.

01:16:08.640 We went long today.

01:16:09.220 As always, uh, join us online, uh, on Facebook at order of man or at facebook.com slash group

01:16:16.180 slash order of man, or connect with us, or even learn more about the iron council by going

01:16:20.820 to order of man.com.

01:16:22.280 You can follow Mr.

01:16:23.300 Mickler on Twitter and Instagram at Ryan Mickler, and you can visit the store as well.

01:16:29.160 Any other call outs, maybe battle ready for you is for you guys that are on the bench

01:16:33.700 waiting for the iron council to open back up, go to order of man, order of man.com slash

01:16:38.420 battle ready and kick off your own process of getting those battle plans, uh, ironed out

01:16:44.700 before you join us in the IC.

01:16:46.480 Yep.

01:16:47.100 That's exactly right.

01:16:47.980 Well, Kip, I appreciate you, man.

01:16:49.100 Enjoy the remaining time that you have there.

01:16:52.020 And guys appreciate the questions.

01:16:53.720 We will be back on Friday until then go out there, take action and become the man you are

01:16:57.720 meant to be.

01:16:58.300 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.

01:17:00.680 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:17:05.040 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - July 19, 2023

Selfishness Leads to Selflessness, Fundamental Attribution Error, and Working with an Aggressive 3-Year-Old ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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