Order of Man - Setting Faith-Based Goals, Competing with Yourself vs. Others, and Dating Challenges ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:04.940 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.300 You are not easily deterred, defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is

00:00:16.840 who you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.480 you can call yourself a man. Sean, happy new year, man. I haven't chatted with you. It's been busy,

00:00:29.380 I'm sure, for you over the holidays, but how are things going so far for you?

00:00:35.220 They are great. Hectic, but great. Self-inflicted chaos. Is that fair?

00:00:42.480 Self-inflicted chaos. Yeah. I stopped saying busy a long time ago. It bothers me.

00:00:48.160 I'm just so busy like it's a badge of honor. Oh, awesome. Are you effective? No, but I'm busy.

00:00:55.420 Okay. Well, yeah. Yeah. It's been fantastic. How about you?

00:01:00.680 Good. No, it was good. In the space of consulting, end of year is a little tough. Some clients are

00:01:09.680 super pushing to get work done. Other clients are like, we're out of the office. Then it's

00:01:15.860 really light. Asia and I were very, I shouldn't say we, she's very social. Christmas is packed full

00:01:24.860 of things. I try not to be the Scrooge complaining about doing stuff. How's that? Antisocial.

00:01:32.880 That's me too. I'm like a extroverted introvert. It's I don't want to talk to people. Don't want

00:01:40.640 to socialize. Don't want to do like in a quote unquote party atmosphere, but you put me on a

00:01:47.400 stage in my element or training or, you know, some sort of leadership development or something. I

00:01:51.940 I'll go, I'm like a different person, but day to day, I just, I don't want to talk to people,

00:01:58.780 be around them. And yeah, I'm actually, I'm actually the same. I'm the same way. A lot of

00:02:03.560 people like every so often we'll have, like, if we have a party over at our house or whatever,

00:02:09.140 or even at an event, like when we did the man in cage event last year over in Sacramento,

00:02:14.180 like there's times, like I go like find a room and I just like, what'd it be by myself? And it's

00:02:21.300 kind of weird, but I don't know what it is, but, and it's not like, I don't, I don't enjoy people.

00:02:27.920 Like I, I really enjoy people. I just, I don't know. There's a lot of energy that, that gets

00:02:33.100 used up. You know what I mean? When you, I don't know, like I, I know exactly what you mean.

00:02:38.900 No, I, I totally get it. I'm white a few weeks ago and I was exhausted afterwards. Like I was just

00:02:44.260 drained. Like all my energy was used. Anyhow, I interrupted you, man. What did you say?

00:02:49.300 No, you didn't. It's I'm exactly like that too. I, yesterday we got back, we just did our,

00:02:55.520 a kickoff event. This is kickoff season for our financial business. And we're out in Dallas.

00:03:01.820 It's three days. And the last day and a half, I basically run the show from there. And, and I'm

00:03:08.860 speaking a lot and I'm on stage and, and really giving my everything. And I mean, we flew back

00:03:16.580 right away. Cause my, one of my boys turned 13 on Saturday. So we got back for cake and,

00:03:21.600 and some of our traditions that we do. And then Sunday yesterday, I was just wiped. I mean,

00:03:28.280 I literally laid on the couch the entire day just to, to, to recover. So I know exactly what

00:03:35.840 you're talking about. Let me ask you this though. Do people not believe you when you tell them that

00:03:40.000 you're introverted, that you'd rather not talk to people? Cause they figure, what are you talking

00:03:43.340 about? You're in a podcast. You speak every week to people. And yeah, people think that's weird.

00:03:48.940 I try not to, I try not to like, Hey, I'm an introvert. I guess I don't share that very often,

00:03:53.700 but if I did share that or the times I have shared that, like even, even my wife, Asia,

00:03:58.720 she'll be like, you're so weird. You know what I mean? Because she doesn't understand it, you know?

00:04:04.120 But yeah, nonetheless, it's, it is what it is. You know, I'm just kind of weird that way.

00:04:09.700 I'm assuming it's the same for you. If, if, if you mentioned that to someone.

00:04:13.040 It is exactly. If they, if they know me in that capacity from our business or whatever,

00:04:19.120 then they, yeah. Yeah. It's very odd. Well, should we hop into it? So this is our ask me

00:04:26.640 anything. And I'm joined today with Sean. Uh, Ryan, I think is on holiday with the fam for the

00:04:33.020 next couple of weeks. So we got, we got this week's AMA and next week's AMA. I probably shouldn't

00:04:37.300 say that we're running next week's AMA because maybe our numbers will drop as you, as you,

00:04:42.300 I was thinking they were going to double what are you talking about? There you go. I like the

00:04:47.080 positive. I'm more negative town. So you know what, but I, I, I dig it. I need to be more positive

00:04:52.720 coming into the year. So, uh, guys prove to Ryan that, uh, we're worth listening to. So that way we

00:04:59.200 keep our, uh, our quote unquote AMA jobs. If it's such a thing. Um, anyhow, this is one of those things

00:05:06.860 where it's like, well, I shouldn't even get into that. Okay. Anyhow, we're going to field questions

00:05:10.680 from the iron council today. Uh, we have some leftover questions from last week. Um, the iron

00:05:17.200 council is our exclusive brotherhood. And if that sounds something that's appealing to you, uh,

00:05:22.740 too late. So you didn't sign up in time. Uh, iron council is closed until next quarter. Um, but you

00:05:29.380 can go to order man.com slash iron council to learn more, at least sign up for a newsletter. So that way

00:05:34.740 you get notified to the next time that we open up, uh, membership, uh, within there. So our first

00:05:40.000 question for is from Evan Berwick, do you have a faith-based goal for 2023? If so, how are you

00:05:47.720 choosing to measure this in order to manage it and show progress in the area that sometimes is based

00:05:53.380 more off of a feeling or when tangibly measured can seem actionous or are full of action without faith,

00:06:00.480 which I, I, I love this question. And, and, and let me give a little backstory before you answer

00:06:05.540 Sean. So for those that don't know, we execute what we call battle plans within the iron council.

00:06:11.860 And this is our focus, um, of around our focus of accountability really around how we plan to show

00:06:18.640 up as men over the next 12 weeks. And that's broken into four quadrants. And one of those quadrants is

00:06:25.460 calibration, which sometimes could be spiritual, you know, uh, on the spiritual side of things

00:06:33.860 or calibrating for those that are non-religious. So it is an open kind of box to determine what that

00:06:40.760 looks like for you, but it is not uncommon that, um, kind of spiritual objectives and tactics in,

00:06:47.520 end up in that quadrant and mine are actually for this quarter. So, uh, so I'll be able to answer

00:06:52.480 this question specifically, but, but Sean, I'll let you go first.

00:06:55.460 Um, yeah, we do, um, have specific things. I do want to say though, you mentioning the

00:07:04.760 battle plan, it's not for all of 2023 it's for this quarter. And so 12 weeks. Yep. Yeah. And, um,

00:07:14.140 you know, but that'll obviously evolve and change at the end of the quarter. Maybe it'll stay the same

00:07:18.240 if I'm not doing a solid job and we need to keep it there. Um, but yeah, my specific faith based goal

00:07:24.320 is to strengthen our family night more spiritually. We do a good family night every week, Sundays we do

00:07:33.360 Sunday night, but, um, we have in our church and you know, this, we have a program called come follow

00:07:39.020 me, um, where we do a lot of the, the weekly teaching that we, um, would normally get in church

00:07:47.040 on Sunday. Um, we've kind of shifted to the home. And so we want to get a little stronger in that.

00:07:53.560 And some of the things that we teach the structure that we have, we used to be really strong. Then we

00:07:57.620 kind of drifted. We got a little lazy. We used a little too much of the church resources in our

00:08:03.440 opinion, you know, and it's probably not bad, but it's, we know we could do better. And so we're,

00:08:08.400 we've shifted it back to us. And what we are planned for that is to weekly, when we do our

00:08:17.220 family nights in our scripture time, we assign roles to everyone in the family each week. So someone

00:08:25.800 will teach a short lesson, someone that has to do with the topic for that week. We, we, my wife's

00:08:32.400 going to put up a scripture each week. That's going to be the topic. And, uh, so us or one of

00:08:39.120 the kids will teach someone will be in charge of treats. Someone will be in charge of a game or

00:08:44.560 activity to play. And we just assign little things for everybody. Someone will kind of, um, be in

00:08:52.020 charge of making sure everybody has their roles in place just to keep everybody involved and active in

00:08:58.180 it. And, and then what we do, we reinforce the rules for Sundays. Um, and I don't really want to

00:09:05.420 rules is probably the wrong word, but our habits for Sundays, because we were starting to let the

00:09:12.900 kids creep into, you know, just kind of doing mindless things, uh, playing video games, whatever

00:09:18.540 we've turned it more into making sure it's family focused activities. So if we're, Hey, if we're going to

00:09:23.500 play a video game, maybe it's monopoly that we all play together as a family, you know, that's,

00:09:28.720 that's when we can verse and, and then playing call of duty right after like, that's not, yeah,

00:09:34.000 it's fortnight. Yeah. So exactly. It's so just more faith-based, more family-based, more family

00:09:42.340 focused. So if we are going to do something, we're going to do it together. If we are going to watch a

00:09:46.440 movie, we're going to sit down on the couch in the living room. We're going to spend the time

00:09:49.900 together. So that's it. I mean, just making it more focused around our family and being together

00:09:56.680 and then making sure that we spend a portion of the day in our faith, in the scriptures together,

00:10:04.020 learning from each other. And, uh, you know, that way we have that constant eternal perspective

00:10:11.640 in the reasoning behind why we're spending the time together as a family.

00:10:16.440 And then, and, and kind of back to Evan's question, right? Like how do you measure this

00:10:22.080 in a way that it's not just like an action, you know, check a box, but it's actually like rooted

00:10:29.720 in moving your object objective forward. And I'm assuming what the objective is, is what is the

00:10:35.820 objective for you specifically? What's the goal for, for these 12 weeks?

00:10:39.460 That was, that was, it's how I ended is just giving our family that eternal perspective

00:10:45.780 of what family time is and, and the meaning behind it and why we want to put the effort

00:10:52.180 for extra time together. And we're, and they're clear on that. We, we began the year getting super

00:10:59.380 clear. So they understand and they've bought in and they're on board. And so the way that we'll gauge

00:11:05.620 it is just how that turns into a habit. If they, you know, cause at first they resisted when we

00:11:14.060 started talking about how we're going to make the changes. Oh, what do you mean? No video games.

00:11:17.760 And, you know, they kind of threw a little fit for a second, but I mean, that, I mean, and we were

00:11:23.840 wiped yesterday, um, completely wiped out, but none of them played video games. And to be totally

00:11:30.620 honest, I thought, um, I didn't see them for a while. I was downstairs on the couch and we all

00:11:38.940 thought, I thought my wife thought, and our in-laws were over. We thought they were all upstairs playing

00:11:43.740 video games. I go upstairs and they were, two of them were watching a show together and the other

00:11:48.040 one was building Legos. And so they were, you know, I was wiped out. So I wasn't able to kind of be more

00:11:55.520 on it so that we were all together, but it was nice and refreshing that they've already

00:11:59.340 not tried to get away with playing video games and stuff like that. And so that's how I'm going

00:12:04.440 to gauge it. And through this quarter, if they're actively engaged in saying, okay, guys, it's time

00:12:13.160 to get together and do our family night and more on board with it where they're leading instead of

00:12:21.200 just being along for the ride. That's how I'm going to gauge its effectiveness or not. Got it.

00:12:26.880 Got it. Yeah. Mike's actually super similar, right? So our objective, uh, this quarter is to,

00:12:33.220 um, be more spiritual in our home, uh, and intentionality with, um, our gospel study.

00:12:40.760 And so we've done the same thing. So we're having a, uh, nightly scripture night or every single night

00:12:47.600 we're reading scriptures, you know, and having, and I were kind of prepping conversation around it

00:12:52.820 and, and that whole thing. Um, one thing that I'd add for us, uh, or to, for Evan to consider

00:12:59.140 is within our battle plans, we have those checkpoints, right? A 30 day checkpoint and a 60 day

00:13:05.420 checkpoint. That's kind of how I'll measure this to be frank. So one month in at that checkpoint,

00:13:11.360 I'm going to, we're going to ask the family, right? How is this working? Right. Are we doing good?

00:13:17.160 Do you guys feel like your understanding and learning is, you know, and not just, are you

00:13:21.520 having fun? Right. What I'm actually trying to get to is the original intent of, of why we're doing

00:13:26.500 this. Um, and, and, and part of it also is to ensure that there's peace in our home, right? That

00:13:32.740 this is our home is an escape of the world and we don't have contention and we don't have, um,

00:13:39.860 anger and other things happening in our house. Uh, and that this is a place of refuge, uh, if anything,

00:13:46.440 in a place that, that everyone feels loved and cared for. And so that that's what our focus is.

00:13:51.360 And those checkpoints, Evan will really help kind of pause and go, okay, now is this working or is

00:13:56.380 it not working now? The actual tactic itself is a daily tactic of, you know, scripture reading and

00:14:02.620 family prayer. Uh, and then we'll assess it, you know, on the 30 and 60 day checkpoints. Um, ironically

00:14:10.020 enough, this is present on my mind because I taught at church the first Sunday on new year's

00:14:18.420 day. And, and the lesson I taught was around owning your gospel learning, right. And being

00:14:26.740 intentional with it and, and that you shouldn't be taking something. And, and, and I'm sharing this

00:14:32.740 because I think this might be applicable to you guys listening is, you know, we might all be going

00:14:37.620 to church and those that are non-religious, you know, grab the word church and relate it to your

00:14:43.140 school education for that matter. But we've outsourced certain things, right? We've said,

00:14:47.280 Hey, you know, well, we go to church on Sunday and there are teachers and they teach and, and there's

00:14:51.760 our gospel learning, man, the intent there. Like, why am I going to church? Why are we going? Is it to

00:14:59.140 be compliant? Is because, uh, social pressure, because people might think, is it, why are we going?

00:15:05.800 And I, and I, and I being intentional about my, my learning experience and am I owning it or have

00:15:14.480 I outsourced it because I'm being lazy and I'm not being intentional with it. And, and that was kind

00:15:20.040 of the premise of the entire lesson was like, we, we got to take on the ownership of our gospel

00:15:28.280 learning, our testimonies and everything else and be intentional. And some of that intentionality

00:15:33.180 is obviously like what we're doing, right? Sean, of what we're doing in our homes on an innately

00:15:38.780 basis. But the other part is, do you show up to learn? Do I show up on Sunday to learn? Am I

00:15:45.240 approaching it from the emotional perspective of like, I don't want to be here. I don't want to do

00:15:49.580 this. Am I not present to the value that's going to be coming to the table? Like just being fully

00:15:55.900 present and intentional. And, and, and there's a lot to unpackage there in regards to what that looks

00:16:01.180 like, but that it was quite ironic that that was what I needed to teach. And then coming out of that

00:16:06.380 lesson, I was like, yep, we need to step up our game. And so there was a mad, mad scramble from my

00:16:12.120 family's perspective. Proud dad moment, by the way, I want to share. So every night, part of our nightly

00:16:21.180 gospel study is we all pull up our battle plans, my daughter's idea, not mine. And, and they have their

00:16:28.960 own little battle plans in regards to what they're tracking for this quarter. And week one,

00:16:34.440 they're all in the green. So you know, the whole family's getting after it and I love it, man. So

00:16:39.520 I'm super proud. That's awesome. But that comes, that speaks to how you communicated going into this

00:16:48.220 quarter. I'm, I'm assuming they didn't just automatically like, Hey, new quarters here. We're

00:16:53.900 going to do it. It's I'm assuming that Kate was led by you, which the point that I hope people caught

00:17:00.760 that you just said is that, you know, you, it starts with you and your attitude and you showing up

00:17:07.440 to set the tone for what you expect from them. You know, if you're dragging or you don't want to do it

00:17:15.400 because it is extra work, quite frankly, right. For us, I mean, it's a lot of extra, it's a lot more

00:17:19.900 push on our, especially on our, our day of rest, right. Or, or if you want to look at it that way,

00:17:25.080 it, it, but if you really truly care about that part of your life being strengthened,

00:17:32.280 just like if you care about being in good physical shape, you're going to go and you're going to work

00:17:38.860 out, right. You're going to make the effort. And so it's the same here for sure. I'm glad you

00:17:43.100 pointed that out. When I was talking, I mean, Matt Boudreau, you know, he made a post last week on

00:17:49.340 Instagram and I, and I just love it. Right. And he was more or less saying, yeah, we need a lead

00:17:53.900 from the front. So our kids like can just model us. And, and I love that. I love it when, when I go

00:18:01.580 downstairs and the kids are in the gym, just working out. I love it. No one told them to, they, they,

00:18:09.740 they don't know any better. Like they'll grow up going that's, that's just what you do. Right. Like

00:18:16.260 you have to stay in shape. It's not even a thing. And I, I just love that, that our kids have latched

00:18:23.080 onto certain things that, that I, that we feel is important. All right. Anthony Miller, super funny.

00:18:30.100 You don't know this Anthony Miller, no joke. I actually went to high school with Anthony Miller.

00:18:35.720 Remember we had a Utah meetup, Anthony came and I was like, like, Oh, Anthony Miller, like,

00:18:43.860 like the Anthony Miller. I know, you know what I mean? From high school, been in the IC for like

00:18:49.240 years. And he like, never, like never said anything. Yeah. I was like, it was super. I was like,

00:18:55.860 Anthony, like what? I didn't even know you, like, this was the same Anthony. It was super,

00:19:00.040 I don't know. Super cool. Anyhow, Anthony Miller from, from Cedar thoughts on compassion fatigue is

00:19:07.020 his question. What do you do to revitalize my passion for mentoring others? So a little bit

00:19:14.500 of fatigue around compassion, and it looks like he's lost his passion for mentoring others. Maybe

00:19:23.300 I call that leadership fatigue factor and everybody goes through it because you feel like you're

00:19:31.040 babysitting and that you care more than they do sometimes. And it's actually, I shouldn't even

00:19:37.760 say sometimes it's probably the majority of the time for most people, because most people aren't

00:19:44.700 disciplined. And so if they're not disciplined and their habits are poor, you can't expect them to take

00:19:51.660 on everything that you're recommending and trying to help them with. Even if it's clear from your

00:19:57.680 standpoint, that those are the changes they need to make. If their habits are poor, and then in

00:20:02.940 combination, if they're not on board with making those changes, the majority of the time, they're not

00:20:10.220 going to make the changes necessary. And so because that's true, you have to place yourself in the mindset

00:20:21.660 that most of the work that you do is going to fall on deaf ears. That's why there, have you ever

00:20:33.120 heard the 80-20 rule? Is that, have you ever heard that rule, right? Where 80% of the work being done

00:20:40.960 in any business is being done by 20% of the people. And so this applies at jobs, at churches, at Boy Scout

00:20:48.760 troops, at schools or anything. And so you're going to be spending a lot of time with 80%ers, right? The 80% of 1.00

00:21:02.080 the people that are doing 20% of the work. But you have to shift your time, not that you're going to stop

00:21:11.500 talking to those people, you just have to shift the majority of your time to the 20%ers. So that's one thing you 1.00

00:21:17.300 could do is instead of trying to spread your time equally amongst all of the people, it's coming up

00:21:26.300 with a way if you don't already have one to find those top people or the people that want it a little

00:21:32.140 bit more, the ones that are a little more serious, so that you can spend the majority of your time with

00:21:37.720 them and then create some sort of a system to find those people or to help those people step up

00:21:44.160 to become a 20%er so that you can spend more of your time with them. But through that process,

00:21:51.260 you have to continue to give time to the people that are your 80%ers. And that can be exhausting

00:22:00.100 if you expect all of the people to do what you say you're going to do. So instead,

00:22:06.780 if you shift your expectation to, okay, I know what works, I'm going to stick with what works,

00:22:16.520 I'm going to stick with continuing to tell these people the same thing. And in that process,

00:22:23.160 I'm going to look for the new people that are going to do it. And that's it. And it helps keep

00:22:32.340 you more excited because you're going to focus on the one or two people that start doing it and

00:22:37.380 they change their lives and then in turn, go into their communities and start changing

00:22:41.460 other people's lives and multiple lives through that process. And then the others just do what

00:22:48.780 they're going to do, but be excited about the few that you're impacting and continue in that

00:22:54.040 excitement. And then you'll find more new people. And last thing, I've always told people that

00:22:59.640 we fail in leadership when we try and say new things to old people. And that's that, that's

00:23:07.820 that leadership fatigue factor. You get bored with the message that works. You said the same message

00:23:14.620 over and over again. A thousand times. Yeah. And so then you try and make it new or exciting or

00:23:21.620 different and you, you try and switch it up to somehow motivate those same old people in a new way.

00:23:29.620 Instead of just trying to consistently and constantly find new people to give that same

00:23:36.360 message to. And then, you know, so instead of trying to find new ways to say things to old people,

00:23:41.860 just keep saying the same old things to new people. And so in, in that pursuit, make sure you're

00:23:49.060 in some way adding new people. Um, and that'll always keep you excited.

00:23:54.400 Yeah. Sean, I think the key thing that you said that, that I'd like to latch onto is expectations.

00:24:01.680 That's the fatigue, right? The fatigue is the expectation that I had that I'm going to do X

00:24:07.160 and they're going to evolve or whatever. And then there's going to be a result. And when that doesn't

00:24:12.720 happen, it's exhausting because you're looking at your efforts and you're coming to the realization

00:24:18.200 that they weren't taking advantage of, or maybe you might have add some meeting that it was a waste

00:24:24.260 of time or, or whatever. So I think just being real around the expectation side. Now, with that said,

00:24:31.720 just a couple additional thoughts around this is, and I get that this is going to be different

00:24:37.480 based upon the relationship, right? Are we talking about compassion, leadership fatigue for your kids

00:24:44.560 or are these employees or are they clients? Like that changes things. So what I'm about to say is

00:24:52.700 strictly from an employee perspective, employees need to be self-directed in regards to how they

00:24:59.980 plan to show up in the organization, period. Quarterly plans that we do, they're the, they're

00:25:05.420 the employee's development plan, not mine. I don't say what they need to do. I didn't even set

00:25:10.060 expectation around what they need to do. We we've identified what performance looks like. They know

00:25:15.500 what measures they need to hit. Now, my job is, Hey, Sean, here's where you're performing. You're

00:25:22.060 underperforming here. How, how do I, how can I support you? What do you think you need to work on

00:25:28.200 to be able to hit these measures? And that's it. So I'm not setting expectations. I've set the

00:25:34.440 expectation for the entire team in regards to how they show up, but how they get there. I may coach

00:25:39.740 up or I might give some ideas or whatever, but it's their plan. And the reason why is because

00:25:44.960 they'll be committed to it if it's theirs versus if it's mine. I've had team members that have

00:25:50.420 underperformed ironically enough. And what I would have assumed should have been the adjustment they've

00:25:57.620 made. They didn't. And they chose something different, like something as simple as I just need to

00:26:03.880 get up earlier and be in the office by a certain time. And I'm like, okay, how can I help you? And

00:26:09.720 that was enough. That was enough for them to start hitting numbers where they're considered a high

00:26:16.780 performer. So let them be self-directed, provide ideas and coaching to them. But a lot of the time

00:26:25.240 it needs to be their idea. Otherwise they won't connect to it. And then the other thing that, that I

00:26:30.160 think is really critical is a conversation around commitment level. When we, when we have a

00:26:34.900 conversation with new potential battle team leaders, that's usually what I ask them. Are you

00:26:42.540 all in? Are you all in? Are you willing to be a battle team leader within the iron council and

00:26:49.500 magnify the opportunity that's in place before you? Now the answer, yes or no, is not good or bad.

00:26:56.440 They may go, well, you know, I'm really busy and I can't give it my all. I can't magnify it. I'm,

00:27:01.660 I'm going to do the bare minimum to get by it. Well, then that's not what we're looking for.

00:27:05.980 So let's get someone that's willing to do above and beyond that. So they can show up powerfully

00:27:11.380 because this isn't about you. It's about the guys on the team and they need someone that's all in.

00:27:17.760 And then sometimes someone might go, I'm not all in. Well, why will this thing happened or

00:27:22.820 I'm blocked here. I'm not feeling like I'm getting supported. Okay. Well, I'm just focused

00:27:27.280 on helping you get all in whatever that is. So you can be fully committed and show up powerfully.

00:27:33.160 And when we show up powerfully to things, we find satisfaction and enjoyment in our work.

00:27:38.740 And so Anthony, from a mentoring perspective, I'm always focused on, Hey, are they all in? Are they

00:27:45.660 magnifying and are they hitting their numbers? And then how can I support them? Both of those scenarios,

00:27:51.460 if you look at what I said, have very minimal, like strong expectations, like, Oh, well, Sean,

00:27:57.240 you should be doing X, Y, Z this way or whatever. They're really kind of open to let them execute

00:28:03.040 and me just there to support them and give them some ideas so they can get on the path

00:28:08.180 and figure it out for themselves. And when we figure things out for themselves,

00:28:12.000 that kind of knowledge and wisdom is more sticky. They'll hold onto it way more than if I just

00:28:18.500 give them the answers. Ironically enough, interesting. This is huge segue, if you don't

00:28:25.600 mind. Christ was considered a master teacher. And as a master teacher, it's ironic that he always

00:28:34.860 taught in parables. The value of a parable is what? That you heard a story, but you created the meaning

00:28:42.800 and what it means for you in your life. It was on your terms that you came to a conclusion.

00:28:49.020 And when we do that, and we're at the level, the highest level of learning, which is creation,

00:28:54.340 man, wisdom will skyrocket. And our ability to learn things skyrockets versus our ability just to

00:29:00.700 execute on what's being told to us. I had one more thought that came to me as you were saying that is

00:29:08.360 your passion for what you're doing is a major factor as well. And what made me think of that

00:29:15.320 is, as you mentioned, being a battle team leader, you know, when I started in the iron council that

00:29:20.960 over three years ago, I was on a battle team and that we went through a few different battle team

00:29:26.220 leaders on that battle team while I was on it. And I mean, two of the guys aren't even in the IC

00:29:30.620 anymore. And so two of those battle team leaders. And so just you being a battle team leader isn't

00:29:37.020 enough. You have to have a real passion for this as a movement. And, you know, maybe you, you

00:29:45.200 aren't in a capacity to lead a battle team or maybe even be on one, but you still believe in what we do

00:29:52.860 so much. You can find a way still to serve and be in a leadership position, whatever it is. And so,

00:29:59.260 but you, it's that passion that's going to lead you into those positions. It's not the positions that

00:30:06.360 are going to make you more passionate. And so I just had that thought, as you were saying,

00:30:12.160 some people think that, oh man, I need to commit more. So maybe I should make myself be a battle team

00:30:18.500 leader so I can, you know, figure it out and be more passionate. Yeah. Or they think that that

00:30:24.160 title is going to make them more passionate. It doesn't work that way. It has to be the other way

00:30:29.720 around. And that's, what's going to last regardless of the capacity or the title that you have.

00:30:35.740 That passion is the more important thing that's going to keep you doing it long-term.

00:30:41.780 John, that's so profound. And I was thinking about this last week

00:30:45.340 around how much potential we all have where we are right now. And our default behavior is,

00:30:57.060 well, I need that new job title, right? I need these opportunities and then,

00:31:01.940 then I'll rise up. But there, there are opportunities on our laps right now in the job

00:31:07.880 you're in right now. Huge potential to learn and to magnify what you have, but we're not.

00:31:15.640 Because we're, we lack the passion in what we're doing, or we haven't found a way,

00:31:21.420 or maybe it's self-confidence. I, it could be a number of factors now that I think about it.

00:31:26.020 But the point is I would challenge everybody, wherever you are right now,

00:31:29.980 are you magnifying it? We've used this analogy on the podcast, right? If you're the,

00:31:36.500 the sweeper for the factory, are you the best sweeper there ever was? And if you're not,

00:31:42.980 then there's value in magnifying what's been placed before you. And it's amazing. Like from

00:31:48.960 a leadership perspective, the employee that magnifies their current title and shows up

00:31:55.060 passionately, passionately, those are the employees that you want to keep around. Those are the ones

00:32:01.420 that you are seeking and making sure that you're serving because they're the ones that are going to

00:32:06.920 get the job done because they see something above and beyond just their current position.

00:32:12.620 So much on the table, man, for us to magnify. But, but yet we keep looking on the fence at the

00:32:19.960 other yard going, Oh, that yard's so nice. When reality, the yard we're standing in could be

00:32:24.100 beautiful. If we're willing to take the work to make it that way.

00:32:27.040 Yeah. Love it. Like I threw in the yard thing. I don't, I don't know where that came from us,

00:32:33.180 you know, impromptu yard reference. All right. Brendan Bagden. I've been seeing someone for three

00:32:39.600 months now and we've said we want to be official, but she has some bad boyfriend history that is

00:32:46.340 keeping her from doing so her words. We've had a conversation about it and she is communicated that

00:32:52.360 she's still concerned that I may have some red flags. She hasn't seen yet and won't take the

00:32:57.560 next steps. It seems the longer she doesn't find something, the more certain she is, they exist.

00:33:04.020 Most of what she has said, she wants, she wants, seems like you have what you developed over a year

00:33:10.720 or more in a relationship. I've been patient as I've dealt with similar stuff myself, but I'm struggling

00:33:16.440 to not feel the consistent, no, not yet as a form of rejection. It's getting to the point that I'm

00:33:23.440 losing interest despite her being a wonderful woman with great communication. What can I do or we do

00:33:29.400 to work through this before I completely walk away?

00:33:34.640 Hmm. There was a lot packed into there. The biggest thing that stood out to me is if she mentioned,

00:33:42.080 you may have some red flags, have you had the discussion of exactly what those red flags are

00:33:47.020 and gotten to the bottom of that to see if that's an actual thing or if that's her perception? And then

00:33:56.760 if it's an actual thing, obviously there's some commitments and some actions that you would have

00:34:03.380 to take to ensure her and make her feel at ease that you're either working on those or that they

00:34:09.860 aren't red flags. And then if they're not real things and it's just her perception,

00:34:13.760 then you need to be able to prove that to her in a way that she agrees with. And so she's not worried

00:34:25.120 about it. So most of it comes down to communication. And I've, I'm assuming, you know, making a giant

00:34:36.680 assumption that they haven't had that conversation that deeply. But the only reason I'm making that

00:34:45.020 assumption is because the way the whole question was packaged, it just seemed like it's, it's been

00:34:51.800 built on more assumption than actual communication and, and work. So I don't know if you felt that way

00:34:59.940 with the question as well, but that's, that's most of what I caught. And that would be what I would say

00:35:06.340 is get to the bottom of what those feelings are and make sure that they're specific and that they're

00:35:11.400 clear so that if there's something you need to work on and something she needs to work on, you both know

00:35:18.180 what it is and can commit to doing the work towards those things. Yeah. I I'm going to go more simple

00:35:26.100 on you at your three months and it's official and you're struggling to get her to be fully committed

00:35:34.180 because she might have red flags. All right. Then don't be fully in and date other girls. And if

00:35:42.360 she's interested, awesome. And you keep dating until you find someone that wants you. So that's some,

00:35:48.600 this, this stuff's not going to get any easier, right? Three months in whatever,

00:35:55.440 whatever struggle you have at three months is not going to get better in six. And it's not going to

00:35:59.800 get better in two years. And it's certainly not going to get better if you get married.

00:36:04.100 All those things would just get harder. So the way I see it, maybe those red flags exist. So I,

00:36:11.280 I agree with Sean. Yeah. Those red flags exist, have a conversation. So you, you see this as an

00:36:16.500 opportunity for you to learn, but that's the whole point of dating. Yes. I'm dating this girl

00:36:23.520 to figure out what I'd like, what I don't like, maybe areas for me to level up as an individual

00:36:30.060 and for her to test you out as well. So let her test you out. And in the meantime, if she's

00:36:37.760 quote unquote, unwilling to be official with you, well, what are you going to do? Convince her?

00:36:43.060 Really? You want in a relationship where you convince a girl that you're worth it, 1.00

00:36:47.400 that you're worth being official with? Oh man, very dangerous place to be. So if she doesn't see

00:36:55.420 it, I'm all over the place here. Sorry. You need to be good with yourself. Are you solid,

00:37:04.500 Brendan, in regards to how you're showing up? Do you feel confident that these red flags don't exist?

00:37:09.940 Are you a man of integrity? Are you showing up powerfully in multiple areas of your life?

00:37:14.600 You're listening to this podcast. So I think you have a really good idea of what that looks like.

00:37:19.060 Are you showing up that kind of man? And if you are, then you be you. And if she sees that in you

00:37:25.160 and you're willing to have that conversation with you and she gets on board, awesome. If she does not

00:37:30.680 because of her history, perhaps that generates red flags, well, maybe that's a history that you don't

00:37:36.220 want. And see how it goes. But I wouldn't get, I would be cautious about getting in the place of

00:37:46.140 trying to convince her to like, want to be official with you. If she doesn't want to be official with

00:37:52.520 you or exclusive or whatever that means, then man, you got to move on. You're wasting your time.

00:37:58.720 That's, that's my take. And by the way, it might be you. It might be her. It might be a number of

00:38:03.620 things, right? I've dated girls where they want to get more serious. And I was like, not yet. I'm

00:38:08.800 broken. You know, I got divorced and I'm not over it yet or whatever. And ironically enough, I met my

00:38:14.100 wife and I was like, Oh, interesting. Not a problem anymore. Maybe it wasn't me. Right? So some of this,

00:38:21.280 it's not good, bad, or indifference. Like, Hey, if it's not lining up and she doesn't see the value,

00:38:25.740 I just be careful not to be trying to convince her that you're worth it when you've only been

00:38:30.880 dating three months. That's a bad sign. In my opinion. Do you agree, Sean?

00:38:34.480 I agree. I just, I just want to be careful with the word convince that it's clear because

00:38:39.480 people have their different definition of that. And I think just to, just to clarify,

00:38:43.700 I think you're saying convince in a way that you're kind of selling with what you say and,

00:38:51.480 and words and what you're going to do to, to, to, um, make her think that you're the one,

00:38:58.880 you know, try and convince her in a way that she wants to hear. That's not what you want to do,

00:39:04.940 but I think you do need to convince her by doing the work and showing up with, as who you are. Like

00:39:13.600 you said, that was very clear. What you said, showing up as you and not trying to be somebody

00:39:17.480 different and working hard at that to be the best man you can be and the best version of yourself,

00:39:22.820 but not convince in a way with words. That's, you know, you don't want to use car salesman

00:39:29.740 her into being in a relationship with you. I just, I just, is that, does that make sense?

00:39:34.860 That's exactly what I'm saying. And, and what happens to, you can apply this even to a work

00:39:40.180 environment. I try it when we interview people, I really try to be like, you be you because we want

00:39:45.720 to know who you are. We'll be fully transparent. Cause the last thing you want to do is go work

00:39:50.180 for a company that hired you because you were smoking mirrors and pretending to be something

00:39:54.580 you weren't. Why would you do that? Now you're going to run around and try to like run a front,

00:40:00.460 right? So you want to be, you want her to know who you are fully. Um, now it doesn't mean we don't

00:40:06.540 grow. We don't try to evolve and be better versions of ourselves. But the last thing, what happens when

00:40:12.120 we do that? Like the, I don't, maybe we should come up with a different word, Sean, other than

00:40:16.480 convince, because those you gave two proper definitions, right? But like, if, if you're not,

00:40:22.940 if you're out of, uh, out of integrity, right. And you're not being authentic and you're trying

00:40:29.920 to convince by manipulating her. And that's the word that that's, yeah, that's a perfect word.

00:40:37.000 If you're trying to manipulate her into liking you and, and, and it works or doesn't work,

00:40:43.260 you're just setting yourself up to resent her. You're going to end up resenting her. So don't,

00:40:50.160 don't, don't try to manipulate the relationship. That's a good word. That was, I'm glad you said

00:40:55.760 that because I was trying to think of the better word. I convinced is a good word because convinced

00:41:00.160 means that's to help gain conviction. And so you do want that from her. Um, but you don't want to

00:41:06.320 manipulate. That's a better word for sure. I agree. All right. Jordan cook. How do y'all balance

00:41:12.260 the mindsets of competing with yesterday's version of yourself and competing with others? Do y'all

00:41:19.480 think that these mindsets are at odds with one another or complimentary? So the balance mindsets

00:41:26.080 of competing with yesterday's version of yourself and competing with others.

00:41:30.020 I, this may be controversial. I don't know. Let's see if you agree. I, I like both. I actually like,

00:41:40.460 um, competing with others in a way, you know, Ryan talks a lot about being careful to compare yourself.

00:41:48.700 I think there's some, some strength and energy and benefit to comparing yourself to other people.

00:41:54.080 Um, just not to, not just to get too deeply involved with the comparison trap of saying you're not a

00:42:03.160 good man or person because you know, somebody that does whatever it is you're trying to achieve better

00:42:11.000 than you. Um, but I think it's important to have a bar or to see in someone the possibilities

00:42:19.820 to continue to push yourself. Um, you know, like Goggins is a good example of that, right? Like that

00:42:27.620 dude is a maniac, but there's only one of him. Um, I, I I'm never going to do what he does. And I have 0.96

00:42:35.580 no desire to, by the way, but it is inspiring to know that someone there's a human out there that

00:42:41.780 pushes themselves the way that he does it. If that can take me to be like, why can at least

00:42:49.220 get off this couch when I'm done here and hit the gym, that's I'm staring at right in front of me.

00:42:55.100 And, you know, for 45 minutes before I carry on with the rest of my day, then that's enough. And

00:43:00.940 that, you know, for me, I have to know the, the old version of myself to know my previous limitations

00:43:11.280 and push past those. So I'm not going to achieve Goggins level of exercise today, but I'm going to

00:43:18.000 achieve more than my old self used to, and that's enough for today. And that's going to evolve and

00:43:25.680 it's going to grow. And, and my workout regimen will improve and grow as my habits improve. But,

00:43:31.940 um, I think you need both to inspire you to take the actions.

00:43:37.340 I totally agree. If I'm not world records get beat. Why? Because someone's competing with someone's

00:43:44.340 record. Like if, if we're like, Oh, I did my best today. Like we need some type of bar of like, Oh man,

00:43:51.900 can I, and I think it's healthy. I, even in a work environment, having P teams be competitive with each

00:43:57.840 other about, you know, what team is getting more work done or whatever measures or KPIs that you're

00:44:02.740 using. I think it's valuable. And just like everything else in this world, could it be taken

00:44:07.520 too far? The answer is yes. Right. Could you take it so far that it's my team versus the team versus,

00:44:14.360 and now I've lost the mission of what the company's trying to accomplish? Certainly. Could I compare

00:44:20.520 myself to Sean to an unhealthy way where I feel like I'm worth nothing if I'm not hitting his numbers?

00:44:28.580 Certainly. It's just like everything else. Could it be taken too far? For sure. But I agree with you,

00:44:33.360 Sean, I think competing against others and competing with yourself are both great measures.

00:44:39.020 And, and, and there's all these cliche, you know, quotes of, you know, it doesn't matter about what

00:44:44.820 other people, as long as you're the better version of yourself today than you were. Yes. Sure. But

00:44:48.740 it's also really nice that you're better than you were yesterday, but now you're looking down the

00:44:54.180 path and you're like, but I'm coming for you, Sean. And I, and I'm going to, I want to hit your kind 1.00

00:44:59.480 numbers because you're inspiring me. That's not bad. So I think we just need to make sure that we're

00:45:05.540 not taking it too far and that we don't think our intrinsic value doesn't exist unless, you know,

00:45:11.440 some superficial things. And let's be frank, where's happiness anyway?

00:45:18.420 Where, where, where should our happiness and fulfillment be placed in homes, money,

00:45:24.300 or actually relationships and how we show up as a father and these other things. Ironically enough,

00:45:30.480 most of the things that we're connecting competition to, they're not the most important

00:45:36.040 things. They're the superficial things, which I, I think it's fine for us to measure against and

00:45:42.000 compete against. Just make sure that the value of you as an individual isn't placed on those lower

00:45:47.380 priority items that you still realize that in the end, that shit's not going with you when you die. 0.98

00:45:53.520 And what ultimately matters from a legacy perspective is the kind of man that you showed up 0.97

00:45:58.100 as probably for your wife and children and those few intimate relationships that you've had. So don't

00:46:03.820 move the priority to the wrong thing just because you're choosing to be competitive.

00:46:09.220 Yeah. But, but also don't, um, devalue either one in a sense that there's no reason why you can't have

00:46:18.000 both. And so I think it's too often people choose one over the other. They say, Oh, you know what?

00:46:24.420 Um, you know, I, I, I can't be really crush it in business and make more money because I choose to

00:46:31.880 be a family man. That's BS. Right. I hate hearing that stuff. That's just an excuse.

00:46:36.880 Do you know what I was going to say? Do you think they believe that?

00:46:39.760 Actually, you know what? You know what I do? Actually, sometimes I do really think they believe

00:46:44.120 that because it's ingrained in them. Maybe they were, they grew up in a family that was like that.

00:46:49.400 And they heard that from their dad and maybe their dad was solid and they, they want to be

00:46:54.280 just like their dad, but they always heard from them. You know what? The reason we've been broke

00:46:57.960 our whole lives is I just chose family over money, over business, over a job. And they don't,

00:47:05.340 they don't know how their dad felt about that. They just know they love their dad. They loved

00:47:08.700 how they grew up. They loved how they felt in their home and they want that for their home. And so they

00:47:13.220 honestly believe like you had to make that choice between the two. So they never had an example in

00:47:18.480 their lives that showed them both maybe. And, um, and so I think, you know, I, I at least have some

00:47:24.980 compassion and some, to give them the benefit of the doubt on those, but I want to leave you with

00:47:30.700 this thought. And this might sound weird to some people too. Um, if I'm being totally honest,

00:47:36.140 I compete with people in my church. I compete with people in, you know, the literally that I coach my

00:47:43.600 kids in, I compete not in a sense that I want to beat them or be better than them, but I, I look at

00:47:49.720 like some of the men I go to church with and I'm like, man, I'm an underachiever.

00:47:54.260 As a, as a, you know, somebody who's in service to people and, and as a father, as a husband,

00:48:02.560 like, man, that guy's just so good at that, at being a dad. And I, I'm, I want to compete with

00:48:09.520 that. I'm like, well, that guy can do it. I can do it. And again, it's kind of like, I think we all

00:48:15.700 need the human version of something to compare ourselves to so that we know it's reachable. Um,

00:48:21.460 you hear Christian say all the time, and I heard so many men say this, we see it and I see all the

00:48:27.980 time. They say, I don't compare myself to anybody else except for Christ. And I'm like, why would

00:48:36.320 you do that to yourself? That's an impossible goal. Never in this lifetime are you going to achieve

00:48:42.140 perfection. And, and Christ told us that like, he doesn't expect perfection in us because he knows

00:48:48.420 it's unachievable in this lifetime. It, it, yeah, maybe that's the ultimate goal, but if that's what

00:48:55.340 you're comparing yourself to, you are never going to reach those expectations. So you need the human

00:49:02.540 version. That's as close as, you know, I think to compare to, to at least push you closer to that,

00:49:09.760 because now you see in another human being with flaws, with, you know, with faults and, and that

00:49:16.920 is a sinner that was able to overcome some of those things to be better in something so that you can get

00:49:22.980 there too. And so again, it might be a weird thing that, that I do, but it's, it's, uh, it's a weekly

00:49:30.320 thing that I look for. And I look for the men that I want to be more like and, uh, and start pushing

00:49:36.460 towards that. And Sean, I'm assuming in respected areas where you might, you might go, Hey, you know,

00:49:43.600 I look up to these guys as fathers, but not as businessmen. I look up to these guys as business

00:49:50.340 men, but not fathers. I might look up to this athlete from a, from the physical capability

00:49:55.920 perspective. It's not an all or none package. And, and there's opportunity for us to learn from a

00:50:02.840 number of different people. Um, and no one's perfect per se, but there's things that we can

00:50:06.820 learn about them. Yeah. Yep. Robert Larson. How do you disengage from all social media when most of

00:50:14.580 your friends and family live out of state and you buy and sell things on Facebook marketplace all the

00:50:19.820 time? I can't bring myself to delete social media. Um, was it Robert? Robert. Yeah.

00:50:31.160 Well, Robert, what's more important. That's all I can really think of. I mean, did you have buying

00:50:39.500 things on Facebook marketplace or, you know, you say friends and family are your extended friends and

00:50:47.760 family more important than your family and your home? That's up to you. And so it's, if they're

00:50:55.780 really family, you have their phone numbers. So if they're, it's that important to keep in touch with

00:51:00.280 them, maybe you reach out and also maybe it's only a temporary thing. I took Facebook. I didn't delete

00:51:07.720 my profile, but I deleted Facebook off of my phone for about three years. And I didn't seem more

00:51:16.840 disconnected with, you know, other relatives or extended family or any of those things. Um, but it

00:51:24.340 helped me to maximize, be more effective in my time. I don't want to say maximize, but be more

00:51:31.620 effective in my time because I found myself wasting literally sometimes hours daily, um, looking at

00:51:39.100 Facebook because they're, the algorithms are good, man. Their marketing is good. They know how to pull

00:51:43.980 you in. They know how to distract you. They know how to keep you watching. And, um, and so until I could

00:51:51.100 build up that habit of not being stuck on the phone, I just deleted it completely off of there

00:51:59.860 because that was more important to me than, you know, kind of keeping that distant contact with

00:52:05.440 those people. Uh, I, I, it was important for me to be more effective in my time, um, and, and then

00:52:12.900 refocus that time and that effort, um, or, or refocus that time into effort because the effort

00:52:21.560 wasn't, I was wasting time and refocus it into effort towards being a better father and husband

00:52:27.820 and provider and protector in my home. And, uh, and just turned all that time into activities that

00:52:36.700 move the needle, um, to the people who are the most important to me. So they're more important

00:52:43.480 than my extended family. And so I just shut it off for a while when I turned it back on. It's been a

00:52:50.180 non-issue. It's been on my phone the last couple of years and it's a non-issue. I, I, I, I'm not on

00:52:56.320 there daily. If I were to look at it at a weekly basis, I probably spend 15 minutes a week or

00:53:01.920 something on Facebook. That's it. Yeah. But maybe you have to cut it out asking. He's asking about

00:53:09.360 deleting it because it has become an issue. And, and I think it's spot on. I mean, what you can't

00:53:16.280 have a relationship with your extended family just because you don't have social media. I think we put

00:53:22.180 too much weight on it, you know, and how refreshing probably they would probably appreciate a phone call

00:53:26.880 from you instead, you know, of quote unquote, having a relationship with you through social media.

00:53:31.920 Or vice versa. I'd agree. Yeah. Me, I just time box it. I try to time box it. And I have certain

00:53:39.900 things like certain rules that I've done in the past, like no social media past six, which pretty

00:53:44.780 much meant I'm not using my phone from a social media perspective. Once I get home to, to ensure

00:53:51.200 that I'm not at the kitchen table, you know what I mean? Not, not being present with my family. And so

00:53:55.900 there's, there's some tactics there, but, but if you're in the, in the, in the boat of, I should

00:54:00.960 probably delete this. What are you out, right? Delete it. You're probably better off and give

00:54:07.860 it a, give it a good run and see how much benefit you get from it. Yeah. I'd hate to admit this.

00:54:14.020 Mine wasn't even like dinner table or that kind of stuff or out on the couch with the family. Mine

00:54:18.020 was in the bathroom. Like I'd sit in the bathroom and for 40, 45 minutes later, I'm like, my legs are

00:54:27.080 falling asleep. And I realized I didn't need to get off my phone. There's a, so my thing was,

00:54:34.040 I don't know what it is, but I, I love, I used to love browsing through Facebook marketplace.

00:54:39.020 And then I would like bookmark all these things I want to buy. And I'm like, I haven't bought a

00:54:43.640 single thing on Facebook marketplace, but I probably have like hundreds of items bookmarked.

00:54:48.980 They're probably all sold by now. Right. But I have like hundreds of things bookmarked. Like I'm

00:54:52.700 going to like go buy them someday. It's, it's so stupid. I didn't even browse Facebook marketplace 1.00

00:54:58.700 anymore, but I, I lay in bed and just like, Ooh, cool. Look at it. Oh, bookmark. Oh, cool. Bookmark.

00:55:04.060 Like I'm going to go buy it. And I never, I've never purchased anything on Facebook. Stupid.

00:55:10.480 And it's, it become like a, just another to do item I need to look at, you know? So, all right. 1.00

00:55:15.800 Eric Peterson, I'm dating a girl. She told me there is another guy. She has been dating longer

00:55:21.100 that she might be getting serious with. I told her, I didn't really care about her and what other,

00:55:28.960 the other guys are doing, but I'm going to keep asking her out as long as I'm single interested,

00:55:36.420 single interested, and she's available. What's your suggestion for keeping mind off the competition

00:55:42.620 and focused on us? She's good. Um, I'm trying to think back to my relationship single days. Yeah.

00:55:54.840 You know, I was like 40 years ago. How old are you? Uh, 45. Yeah. That was 20, 22 years ago. Um,

00:56:04.920 but I can tell you what happened to me and how I ended up, uh, meeting and dating. My wife was that 0.99

00:56:10.300 I just, I stopped focusing on trying to date as much and just focused on me and, and growing who I

00:56:17.800 wanted to be for my future. And as a single guy that realized kind of snapped into the mode of wanting

00:56:26.280 to be married and have kids and, and do well financially, I started focusing on what I could

00:56:32.880 control, which was my, my physical fitness and my business and the money side and got totally

00:56:40.580 enveloped in that and less worried about the dating scene. And in that focus got very clear on what I

00:56:48.080 wanted my future to look like, as far as like the ultimate spouse I wanted to have and who she needed

00:56:54.580 to be in the show up as, and through the process of knowing that, but not really like trying to actively

00:57:01.400 go out and find that woman. Um, I found her and the way I found her, she was doing the same thing. 0.95

00:57:12.380 She just focused on building her future. And, you know, if a guy showed up in process, um, then that

00:57:21.780 was going to happen organically. And so those forces, you know, through those forces, we kind of found each

00:57:28.700 other. And so if he thinks that she might be, if he's in that mode and thinks that she might be that one,

00:57:34.940 I'd say, great. I think it sounds like he's doing what he should be, which is keep asking her out. And if

00:57:41.620 they're going on dates and whatever else, but be more focused on who you're becoming and the work that

00:57:47.420 you're doing outside of her. Um, and then if she's the right one, that will attract her to you.

00:57:53.460 Yeah. Like she's not your, what's the term they use in rational mail that she's not the one like 0.99

00:58:03.180 that was, that's probably been a big breakthrough for me, at least over the years is this idea of

00:58:12.220 the one. And it's a very dangerous thought process. And so I would make sure that like,

00:58:19.800 you're not adamant that happiness is tied to being with her and without her, you can't like,

00:58:26.620 no, like you, it needs to be mutual. It needs to be aligned and work. Now, Sean, let me ask you this

00:58:32.620 question. Cause this, this might just be my ego, right. Or how I show up. But if you're dating a

00:58:38.220 girl, Sean, and she goes, Hey, Sean, you know, you're a nice guy. You know, I really like you,

00:58:44.680 but just so you know, there's this other guy I'm seeing and we're pretty serious, you know,

00:58:50.300 and I've been dating him much longer. So just a heads up, you know, I'm probably going to go that

00:58:55.440 route. Do you still ask her out? I could lie and say no, but I, I did that. Um, okay. I had that

00:59:09.240 happened when I was in that mode. And one of the last girls I dated before I started dating my wife, 0.99

00:59:13.820 um, was that way, you know, she was kind of unsure, you know, and whatever else. And I thought

00:59:20.760 she might be, um, but I didn't necessarily pursue her. I was just like, all right, I'm going to go do

00:59:28.340 my thing. And then if I was in the area or whatever, yeah. If I was in the area where she worked or

00:59:34.280 something, I stopped by and say, hi, you know, I wasn't calling her all the time. I would just,

00:59:38.540 if it happened to be around or, you know, or, or, you know, but it wasn't much, I can tell you that

00:59:45.620 it was like a few things and it didn't last. It's just what I was trying to achieve became so much more

00:59:52.080 important. Um, but I thought, Hey, let's give it a shot. Let's stop by. Let's say, you know,

00:59:58.720 so, yeah, it definitely became less important when, um, when she let me know that.

01:00:09.360 Yeah, for sure. I mean, I think, and the way they, the way that you explain your scenario,

01:00:14.740 it makes more sense, right? It's like, ah, you know, like more of a casual thing. Like,

01:00:18.400 would I ever go out with her again? Yeah. Maybe if things align or whatever, not too much weight into

01:00:23.500 it. But if, but for me, if I like was really digging a girl and she went out of her way to 1.00

01:00:29.560 tell me that, well, she's just trying to let me off soft. Right. And, and I, me personally,

01:00:35.420 and this is probably more of my ego. So Eric, take it for what it's worth, but like, I'm not the guy,

01:00:39.920 I'm not dating a chick. That's not totally into me, but that's not my game. So if she's not like

01:00:47.300 on cloud nine thinking, oh man, Kip's the greatest thing. And I'm like, I'm having to work too

01:00:53.340 hard for her to like me. I'm like, I'm out. So, but maybe that's, I don't know. Maybe that's my

01:01:00.420 little bit more. I just, I don't know if it's ego as much as personality type. I mean, there's

01:01:07.100 some, some guys love that. Like they want to feel like the chase. Yeah. I mean, that's a,

01:01:14.440 that could be a personality thing too, because some men are driven by that chase, you know,

01:01:21.280 more than others. I'm like you, I'm not, I'm not driven by the chase either, but some guys are

01:01:26.100 really like, that's irresistible to them. So maybe you need to understand your personality

01:01:32.200 as well. And, and mix that into the factor. Yeah. I'm realizing that we may have not answered

01:01:37.840 Eric's question. So it's the ultimate question though. What's he has shot? I mean, I, we can't

01:01:43.480 answer his suggestion. Like he has to make a choice whether he wants to date her or not. Right.

01:01:47.780 No, but the question was suggestion for keeping my mind off the competition and focused on us.

01:01:53.260 So anything you would add with that being the, the very narrow focused question.

01:01:58.220 I think we did answer it. Like focus on what you can control you, your future, your, what you're

01:02:05.020 doing now, what you're building now, your career, your future career, whatever it is you're building,

01:02:10.420 stay focused on that. And, and then make her, uh, if you want to make her a part of that,

01:02:16.840 just worry about what you guys do have, what you felt, how maybe you think she felt. Um,

01:02:25.820 if, you know, if there's things, um, you can control, um, that'll help improve that relationship.

01:02:36.320 Cool. But I wouldn't, I mean, honestly, I wouldn't be thinking anything about the other

01:02:40.900 guy. It was a non factor for me because I couldn't, I mean, I, I can't control those guys,

01:02:49.600 her, you know, with them, what they do, how they show up. Well, I could control is me. And if she 0.54

01:02:56.400 was interested in any of that, cool. If not, then move on.

01:03:01.420 I could. All right. Maybe last question, if that's okay, sir. Yeah. Uh, Ben bill, you,

01:03:07.700 I would like to hear more on raising daughters. My oldest is a girl nearly 11. And my wife and I

01:03:13.780 struggle with how to handle her exposure to things that she isn't ready for yet. Uh, we homeschool

01:03:19.980 her and she's very bright, but we've caught her on websites that she shouldn't be on. And she has

01:03:25.080 been calling things sexist, et cetera. She doesn't fully grasp what some of these things mean,

01:03:30.820 but I'm starting to have a deeper conversations with her and my wife on a regular basis. Any other

01:03:36.120 tips would be great. Hmm. Um, my oldest is 17, uh, my only girl. And, um, it, I can tell you that

01:03:48.720 they're going to see this stuff no matter what, whether it's from their phones, their computers,

01:03:56.480 their homeschooling or not. I mean, unless you want her to not socialize with anybody and not

01:04:03.740 have friends and not hang out with them. Um, but she's going to see this stuff no matter what. Um,

01:04:09.260 I will say you can control some of the stuff on, you know, whether it's control what you can,

01:04:15.000 you know, and, and create an environment as best that you can, that is more wholesome that,

01:04:21.020 you know, maybe shelters her from some of the stuff at different ages. Uh, none of our kids get

01:04:27.360 a phone until they're 13. And when they do, they get a gab phone, which is, you can only text and

01:04:33.200 send pictures and, and make phone calls. So there's no social media on it or anything like that. Um,

01:04:39.880 and then they can't get like a real phone until they're 16. And so we did that with my daughter.

01:04:45.000 When she did get her phone, I have an app on there. The one I use is called our pact O U R P A C T. 1.00

01:04:51.380 And it's, you basically can control all the apps, which apps she can use and can't use. You can

01:04:57.220 block the entire phone. If you think, you know, she's the Adeline and not being appropriate with it.

01:05:04.060 Um, instead of taking the phone, I just block everything. So the only thing she can do is text

01:05:08.580 and call her friends and not use any of her apps. Um, which she hates by the way, when I do that,

01:05:14.860 um, and it's less about her being inappropriate and more just her, um, I don't want her spending 0.80

01:05:22.100 four hours a day in a room on social media. That's not, that's not productive for anybody.

01:05:28.440 And so, um, control what you can and then, um, set expectations early and often of what the,

01:05:38.200 you know, those expectations and rules are going to be, um, once they do have their computers and their

01:05:44.300 phones. Um, there's other things you can do with the computer. Like we had a, um, we're getting a

01:05:49.520 new one. I forget what it's called, but we had a router called a Griffin router. Um, that is, it

01:05:56.220 controlled every device in the house. Um, and every device, it showed you every website that was looked

01:06:03.760 up every, you know, the amount of time, like anything you wanted to track, it would track for

01:06:09.940 you on every device in the house that included phones and computers. Um, and so the, uh,

01:06:18.240 they have those out there that you can get. So between the apps that are available and some of

01:06:23.900 the routers and things you can use, it helps you at least know what they're looking at. And then

01:06:28.780 it happened with my daughter too, where she was, you know, she was on a site, she had an app,

01:06:34.640 she was, there was inappropriate communication with the guy, um, that I think she thought was a

01:06:41.380 younger guy, but I can guarantee he wasn't. Um, and, uh, and we saw that and we found that,

01:06:48.560 um, through some of these things and we had the conversation with her and it, it was super

01:06:54.180 uncomfortable. Um, but then she understood it and then she realized it and that she had been fooled

01:06:59.640 and, and, um, and then realized the past she could have gone down and, um, and that was healthy,

01:07:07.200 you know, as awkward and uncomfortable. And, you know, for her as it was, it's, it's become a real

01:07:14.100 healthy thing because now she has been more, um, aware of, I guess you could say the dangers

01:07:25.480 that are out there. Um, and then introducing her, we've been involved a lot with operation

01:07:30.980 underground railroad and those sorts of things. Um, you know, and, and this stuff that we're

01:07:35.480 actively involved in philanthropically. And so, um, you know, we'd share obviously a lot of those

01:07:41.480 stories and the things that we know and see with her. So she understands what's out there. And so,

01:07:47.260 you know, outside of that, you know, some of the music, some of the other things and whatever else,

01:07:52.600 you're not going to be able to control necessarily, but just keep having the conversations, keep being

01:07:58.480 involved, keep being around, keep, um, showing that care. I mean, my daughter says, oh, it's not

01:08:05.880 like, you know, she kind of gets mad and she gets angry and she gets upset and she, um, shows

01:08:11.400 frustration with us being quote unquote, too strict sometimes. Um, but she's never going to not know

01:08:18.960 that we love her and care about her. And those are the reasons. And at the end of the day, she

01:08:24.960 actually loves that and appreciates that about us as her parents. Um, she's about to turn in August,

01:08:33.220 she'll turn 18. And so we're also already having the conversation. She's like, I can't wait till

01:08:37.780 I'm 18 and you can't control this anymore. And I'm like, me neither. You know, I mean, cause it's a

01:08:43.880 lot more work for me, but I just hope by the time you're 18, you have a, uh, a better respect and

01:08:52.240 understanding of it though, so that the choices you do make are going to be useful to you and

01:08:58.020 productive for you and, and not hurt you in anywhere because I care about you too much. And so just

01:09:03.980 making sure that that communication is happening through process. So I don't know how old is your

01:09:10.240 oldest girl is, but what's your experience been? Yeah. 11 and nine. So I'm, I'm right there.

01:09:16.760 Same with him a little bit younger, but I got older boys, right? I got a 21 and 23 and a 19 year old.

01:09:24.080 Right. So yeah, but let's be honest, boys are way different than girls as far as that goes. I I'm way

01:09:31.140 more lenient and, and honestly, and I hate to say it, but it's true. I'm more lenient with my boys on

01:09:37.300 some of the things, especially from like a, um, you know, the social media aspect of who they

01:09:43.260 communicate with. Right. Cause I think there's way more predators for girls than there are boys.

01:09:48.260 For sure. Um, and so it's, I'm definitely more protective of my daughter than my boys.

01:09:54.940 I mean, Ben, I think you're, I mean, you're, you're, you already said it, right. You're having

01:09:58.600 deeper conversations with her on a regular basis. I mean, I think that's what really needs to happen.

01:10:03.080 The only tip maybe that I would give you is make sure that you're in a position of influence with

01:10:12.000 her. Um, we, we sometimes do what we do and work and go, well, I have a moral authority due to my

01:10:19.560 title, right? And I'm dad and mom, thus I'm in a position of influence hardly, right? They don't,

01:10:25.960 they don't care that your mom and dad for the most part, uh, what they do care. And, and what's the,

01:10:31.760 um, the famous guy Carnegie, right? You know, people don't care what you have to say until they

01:10:37.680 know how much you care. And so you need to be in a, in a position of influence with your daughter,

01:10:42.720 where she actually knows that you're guys, you have a strong relationship that's established on

01:10:48.540 trust that is rooted in you seeing her as a, as a whole and complete person. And, and those things

01:10:55.660 will still steam what Sean's talking about, but you'll, you'll be in a bet much better position

01:11:01.160 of influence. If you make sure that you have those relationships. And I would argue that most of us

01:11:06.180 are not. And, and one thing that I've learned, especially with my older boys, um, and I'm still in

01:11:12.100 this from a book called the anatomy of peace. I've shared this with a handful of individuals,

01:11:16.540 maybe a book to look at bill or Ben, but, um, ask yourself when you're upset with your kid,

01:11:24.360 do you have a heart at war or a heart at peace towards them? And if the answer is that you have

01:11:31.120 a heart at war, then you have the wrong mindset. You're actually seeing them as the problem and not

01:11:38.140 necessarily their action. And what happens when we do that, you're going to show up and communicate

01:11:42.820 in a way that feels like you're just trying to control them. You're going to communicate in a

01:11:48.600 way that doesn't feel like love and compassion and understanding. You're going to show up in a way

01:11:54.300 of change you. And then we can have a relationship. And I speak from experience because this is what my

01:11:59.960 mentality was. I didn't have a strong relationship with my, one of my sons, because I literally

01:12:06.000 approach it from a, from a perspective of he's doing and making bad decisions. And he needs to

01:12:12.240 fix that for me to him, for him and I to have a strong relationship. Imagine from a kid's perspective,

01:12:18.800 how that feels not feeling appreciated and valued. Unless I do what you tell me to do,

01:12:25.320 man, that's not going to cause change in their life. That's not going to come from a position of love.

01:12:33.540 And so make sure that you have the right mindset, that you see them as the amazing human beings they

01:12:41.240 are that are making maybe dumb mistakes, but you see them as amazing people and make sure that you

01:12:47.360 have a strong established relationship that you're constantly learning from them because they're

01:12:53.360 evolving. They're not the same person they were a year ago. So you need to be listening and learning

01:12:58.060 from them, learning AKA who they are and what their thoughts are and all those things.

01:13:03.020 And then it's only then are you really in a position to actually course correct and teach

01:13:08.640 them. Otherwise it's all just manipulation and that doesn't feel good.

01:13:13.820 That was so good. And I'm glad you said that. So to, to strengthen what you said, make sure you

01:13:19.480 incorporate time with her, meaning date nights. Maybe it's kind of daddy when there's a problem.

01:13:27.040 Yeah. Not a good, not a good sign. Yeah. Daddy daughter interviews, different traditions

01:13:32.560 that you have as a family, just that create more time together. Um, you know, those sorts of things,

01:13:39.660 vacations, even vacations, even little getaways or whatever, just making sure you're having those

01:13:44.460 conversations, spending the time together. And, and that you are proactive in reminding her and

01:13:54.920 reinforcing her all the gifts and all the strengths that she has, and that you see in her, um, to

01:14:01.640 reinforce her value, um, that, that she sees in herself, um, so that it becomes hers. And, uh, so that

01:14:10.880 was so good. I'm glad you, you said that. Um, you know, and that's, that's the thought that I had

01:14:16.560 is that at the end of the day, if they value their bodies, their relationship with God, they know

01:14:25.320 their son or daughter of a heavenly father that loves them. And they know and understand that they're

01:14:31.960 going to have more respect for themselves, for their bodies, for how they show up in the world,

01:14:36.800 but it can't be your belief. It has to be theirs, you know, but they're not going to gain that belief.

01:14:43.580 If you're not spending the time and reinforcing that about them while you're with them, it could

01:14:51.480 be even just driving around, making sure you're not driving around and letting them have their 0.86

01:14:55.340 headphones on and doing what they do that you turn that time into conversation time, you know,

01:15:01.480 and just being proactive in that. Yeah, it was good. And good, sir. I had the thought too, that it's

01:15:08.300 about like right now, if you think you have that challenge at 11, it gets a lot harder once puberty

01:15:14.820 hits, man, it's, it is coming in front of it as much as you can. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Make those

01:15:20.720 habits and have those traditions early now. So that at least as the craziness hits through puberty,

01:15:27.560 those things are the expectations already set that, you know, we're still going to have the time to do

01:15:33.660 these things together. Yeah. Love it, Sean. Thanks for joining today, Sean. And we'll catch

01:15:39.860 you guys. The, both of us will catch you next week. A couple of call to actions connect with us on the

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01:16:02.500 can be accessed by going to order of man.com. And you can follow Mr. Mickler on the Twitter and

01:16:10.100 Instagram at Ryan Mickler. Thanks, Sean. Appreciate it. And gentlemen, uh, until, uh, let's see until,

01:16:18.920 uh, Friday or Friday field notes, take action and become the man that you were meant to be.

01:16:25.040 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

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Order of Man - January 11, 2023

Setting Faith-Based Goals, Competing with Yourself vs. Others, and Dating Challenges ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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