Order of Man - Showing Love in a Blended Family, Being Prepared for Challenges, and Scheduling Date Nights ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:05.840 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.180 You are not easily deterred, defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.

00:00:15.020 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.140 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:24.220 Sean, how's it going, man? Another ep together. AMA, how you doing?

00:00:28.920 Yeah, great. How are you?

00:00:31.280 Not too bad. You just got back from Fiji.

00:00:34.860 Yeah.

00:00:35.920 Awesome.

00:00:36.940 It was awesome. That's a good word for it.

00:00:39.860 Yeah. How long were you guys out there for?

00:00:42.920 Eight days.

00:00:44.400 Okay.

00:00:45.540 We're on this little island called Tavarua. It's literally a heart-shaped island in the middle of the ocean.

00:00:50.640 Some of the best waves in the world there. It was epic.

00:00:53.500 Is this a surf trip, family trip, work trip, all of it?

00:00:58.920 No work, just surfing, family. It was great. Something for everybody.

00:01:05.860 I love it, man. I love it. In fact, I was surprised that you could record today because I thought,

00:01:09.880 that's deer hunt season. I thought maybe Sean's out trying to fill a tag like Ryan is, I think, this week.

00:01:17.140 Yeah, he is. I'm running around, but I'm doing most of it on my property right now. There's another spot I have that's like 45 minutes from me. But we today had the weather change. It was literally two days ago, 80 degrees.

00:01:29.600 And today it's in the 40s. And so it was like quick shit. 0.99

00:01:34.440 The difference of hunting across the US, right? Like out west, we're trying to get tags. We're in a lottery system. And then all you guys in the Midwest and further east, it's all about who you know that has property that you can just hunt on. 0.99

00:01:49.460 And it's actually quite annoying because you guys are just like, oh, I can do whatever I want. Just shoot on some property. Meanwhile, in the Rocky Mountains, we're all like begging for a tag to a crappy zone.

00:02:01.140 You know, I don't know.

00:02:03.080 Yeah, my friends who don't know, I tell them that there's no tags out here. And they're like, wait, what? You know? And I'm like, yeah, we get two bucks a year and up to three does a day. You know, there's no limit. So it's like Hawaii.

00:02:19.340 Maybe you need to invite me out and I can hunt on your property. The only benefit or the close thing to that that we have is, and I forgot the name of the tag, but it's like when you own farmland.

00:02:30.800 And the fishing game will actually give you like so many tags to keep.

00:02:37.720 Yeah, you get landowner tags.

00:02:38.840 On your Oscar property. Yeah. And so those you can pop out in your field, but anyhow.

00:02:45.840 Cool, man. So we have limited time. Let's get into it. We're going to field questions from two sources. We have a handful of questions from the Iron Council. That is our exclusive brotherhood. To learn more, go to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil.

00:02:58.640 And then we're also going to field a couple of questions from our Facebook group, facebook.com slash group slash order of man. Let's get into it. Dustin Stokes.

00:03:09.100 I'm an experienced, I am experienced with CrossFit, but I have two boys ages 11 and 13, and I like to get them involved in weightlifting, fitness, and et cetera, with peers their age and in an environment led by a coach.

00:03:23.240 They aren't involved in any team sports. Schools don't provide anything like this. And my CrossFit gym is stacked full of adults and not a great option for kids.

00:03:31.200 I've Googled, searched the web, but not finding much out there at this age. Curious your guys' suggestions for what to search for, what other dads do to intentionally get their kids around other mentors and peers that enjoy fitness outside the team sport environment.

00:03:48.340 I can obviously take them to work out myself, which I do, but I'm not looking, but I'm looking for ideas beyond that.

00:03:55.240 Hmm. I saw this question. I was thinking about it. I mean, it's, it's hard if it's not in the schools because, you know, in, in, where you are in the school system, you know, most sports start in middle schools.

00:04:11.580 And, and then most of those have a GM, you know, like my boys had a little gym in their, in their middle and for football. So football was the sport. Everybody knows they're lifting.

00:04:23.100 But even though they had it in the middle schools, they don't do a ton of lifting. You know, I know Brecken was in, you know, he was starting power lifting, you know, and they had that out in Maine when Ryan was out there, but I don't think they have it out in Utah where he is now.

00:04:38.780 You know, so I think it's a lot of it's area specific. Um, but here were my major thoughts. My, my boys, even though they had access to it, never really lifted, but they're super strong, mostly through just playing football.

00:04:53.680 Um, and now they're doing wrestling, um, cause that's in the schools and football and wrestling. You could, they have, they should have rec leagues or rec clubs, um, you know, or, or clubs to be able to do that in no matter where you are.

00:05:09.560 Um, you may have to drive a little bit to get to, to some of those. Um, but I know we talk a lot about jujitsu. I can tell you, my kids did. I, I was doing Kenpo before jujitsu and so were my kids.

00:05:23.600 Um, and, um, and then we transitioned into jujitsu and the strength curve, you know, for all of us, once we were in jujitsu was giant. And I can tell you, like most of the muscles they have now, they built through just running and being active, playing football.

00:05:40.480 Um, and jujitsu, you know, and that for their age, I think is better workout anyways. And then I had a trainer. I have my, my trainer that I had.

00:05:52.520 Um, he's worked with my boys a few times to give them body weight and core workouts, um, that they've done that they've incorporated in the last couple of years.

00:06:04.540 Um, which obviously there was a cost to that, but it was worth it because they got technique and how to do it right and what not to do from him.

00:06:15.000 And because it's core and body weight stuff that I'm not worried about them going too hard and, you know, getting bad habits and hurting themselves at a young age. So that's what we've done.

00:06:26.300 Yeah. And I'm assuming that's why a lot of CrossFit kids, CrossFit gyms don't touch kids. Cause I'm like, they're probably getting injured. Right. I mean, even personal Dustin, but like even a lot of CrossFit gyms, you're like, oh my gosh, there's all bad form all happening all over the place. Right.

00:06:41.380 So maybe that's why they avoid it. The only things that come to mind is the power lifting route. That's really a recommendation probably that Ryan would say, because, uh, Brecken probably found lifting right through power lifting. So I'm not sure if you've checked Googling like power lifting clubs for kids. The two things that come to mind for me is, uh, both of my girls do gymnastics. They are so strong, insanely strong.

00:07:09.180 And so I would actually look at maybe getting your boy into gymnastics, uh, without a doubt, most that's around everywhere. Some of those schools are actually, uh, females only. So yeah, that's the tougher part is if you have a boy, it'll be harder to find gymnastics just for boys or for a co-ed or whatever.

00:07:30.900 But, um, it's, it's, it's, I'm planning on it. I plan to put my five-year-old in gymnastics just so he can learn body strength and control. And my girls are, are wicked strong. In fact, I intentionally try not to do any core exercises around my daughters because they'll be like, oh, dad, you're doing it wrong. Do this. And I'm like, I can't do what you're doing.

00:07:52.760 Like they're so insanely strong. So gymnastics. The other thing that crossed my mind is, and it's popular is that kind of that warrior kid or, um, American warrior gym kind of stuff. There's a couple of those gyms, uh, where we live.

00:08:11.020 And, and these kids, it's almost like gymnastics to be honest with you, but it's those like obstacle courses and stuff from American warrior. And that might get you kind of what you're looking for as well as high intensity training, but it's a little bit fun, uh, for the kids, but they're going to get a lot of strength. And of course, you know, I'm always an advocate for jujitsu and wrestling, but, but maybe, I don't know, maybe gymnastics, maybe some warrior American warrior obstacle. I don't know what those schools are called, but.

00:08:41.020 And actually I even think about like, uh, rock climbing gyms. Yep. Those kids are wicked strong too. So hopefully that's gives you some ideas. Anything else, Sean, we're probably stumbling here a little bit.

00:08:54.080 No, nailed it. I think that that's, that's it. I would just, just caution, like with our kids, especially as guys, we tend to, especially if we like something or love doing something and want them to do it with us.

00:09:07.800 We tend to go ahead of where they should be. I've done that with my kids with surfing even. And, and, you know, my, my oldest, my daughter, I kind of traumatized her to young because I wanted her to surf and like it and enjoy it. And I pushed it on her in the wrong conditions. And, and then she ended up not wanting to do it at all.

00:09:26.400 So just be careful of that, that you're so passionate or excited or wanting to get them involved in those things that you push too hard, you know, just make sure that whatever it is out of all the things that we even recommended, that it's something that they can get behind and be excited about.

00:09:42.540 And then they find joy in it, right? Yeah, that they're not, it's not like the grind because then they're just going to push away. That's a really good point. All right. Paul, so no Kip from hearing you speak. I know you have a blended family.

00:09:54.080 Was there any point that you felt it didn't work? Specifically, did you feel that the additional children took you away from your own children? I've gotten that question before. It's a really interesting thought.

00:10:06.380 Some context on my challenge. My daughter's mother and I are no longer together, but we're on very good terms and we're together for 20 years. And I have an eight-year-old girl. My partner has, has a two and a half year old. Dad is not on the scene alive, but not involved. We have spent a year trying to blend our family, but it doesn't work with the compromise on both sides.

00:10:30.980 Scheduling doesn't work. Parenting styles are massively different. Job schedules are vastly different. While I'm protecting and providing, it feels like I'm not 100% able to take care of my daughter's need and I feel guilty. I'm also not taking care of my needs due to the hectic schedule work.

00:10:47.560 My thoughts are, oops, sorry, I scrolled too far. My thoughts are to the end, the relationship and focus on my daughter and me. Or keep it going, but step back and set additional boundaries to prioritize my daughter with a view to grow the family together slowly over the coming years and accept that our version of a blended family looks vastly different to a typical family setup.

00:11:12.700 Ooh. So you, you start with this one. Well, I mean, I can't start with this one, but let's, let's, let's lay this out. Right. Because I don't think this is, there's a blended family conversation in this, but there's just a family conversation to this. Right. You know, and I know, Sean, we, we, even in a non-blended family experience, we're going to have different parenting styles.

00:11:37.700 We're going to see things differently. Schedules are going to be hectic. They're going to be chaotic. You're going to show up one way. Mom's going to show up the other way. You might be undermining each other. Like a lot of this exists in a non-blended family scenario. 0.87

00:11:56.760 I think the only thing that gets added to this, that could be very dangerous is this idea that my daughter comes before my spouse, whether it's blended or not. And, and so let me, let me address that. And then we can talk about schedules and different parenting styles. Is that fair?

00:12:20.740 Here's the deal. You're in, or you're out. And your commitment is to your spouse, not to your kids. And I know that is hard because right now you're saying, no, no, no. My daughter, what I'm hearing is my daughter's the priority, not my spouse. That's never going to work. I would. Can you imagine that? If, if your wife chose your kids over you.

00:12:46.720 Now, I'm not saying we don't do what's right and we're not amazing parents and we don't put our kids first or we don't make our kids a priority, but they can't be a priority over your spouse. They can't. And, and those kids are going to leave.

00:13:04.080 Eventually they're going to leave and you need to make your partnership with your spouse and how you raise your kids, the priority, not the actual kids themselves. And now why?

00:13:16.720 Here's one of the considerations. Your daughter is probably better off with you figuring out how to co-parent with someone else, how to get on the same page, figure out schedules, figure out boundaries and model what it looks like to be a great husband and have a mom.

00:13:39.140 Then it is for you to abandon all that and just make her the priority. I really believe that kids need a mom and a dad, not just a really good dad. They need you.

00:13:50.780 They need a mom and they need to see you struggle, argue, disagree, and figure out life with a spouse. That's part of the value of parenting. 0.99

00:14:03.100 That's the modeling that you're giving them. And you being a single parent is not going to benefit her in that way. I, I, I so believe that. Okay. Now with that said, parenting styles, you want to jump into that one?

00:14:18.640 How do we handle the difference between mom and dads? Because I really do feel this, this, this, the parenting style issue could be an issue agnostic of a blended family scenario. So what's your thoughts there, Sean?

00:14:32.140 It's the biggest thing that stood out. And I, I was really interested to hear your take on it. And I think it's an alignment with mine because even though I'm not in that situation, I grew up in a blended family. I'm the only kid from my mom and dad. And, and so my mom added a boy and a girl, and then my dad had three boys. And so I went through, I was that kid that they were probably having this worry about.

00:14:58.360 Yeah. And so you were the, um, yeah, I was the problem for sure. But that's the thing is like, um, what stood out the most is how he said, I know it's not the typical blended family situation. Dude, there's no typical, any family situation. And I think that's, I think we all get hung up on what it's supposed to look like, right? Like everybody wants it to be like, leave it to beaver or something like that. That's like this perfect family scenario. 0.97

00:15:28.360 Can I really add something really quick? Because I think this is a real, really profound statement. When you hold on to unmet expectations, and that's what this is, this is the expectation of what it should look like. Then what we do is we say, well, it shouldn't be this way. So now I, I, I, it, my decision is what walk away. No, the decision is, so what are you going to do about it?

00:15:56.360 How are you going to show up powerfully regardless? Because guess what? It is what it is. And, and I, and I trust me, blended families are tough. There is an element of tough. And the biggest element is that it's to be frank, it's your kids just don't respect you as much. That that's the toughest part. 0.82

00:16:15.540 But they're not going to love mom. They're not going to love mom as much as they would their, their biological mom. And they're not going to love dad as much as they love their biological dad. That is reality. And I feel passionately about that. And it's okay.

00:16:30.960 So the question then is what are you going to do about it and how do you mitigate it and still show up powerfully, but let go of the way it should or should not be. You're going to wrap your head and, and be running around as a victim of it shouldn't be this way. Well, guess what? You're in a relationship. It is this way. So now, you know, deal. Sorry, Sean, go ahead.

00:16:52.280 No, I mean, that, that is where I was headed. It's, there's no typical anything. And so you just have to do the best you can do. And I was going to say what you said, Kit, that your focus, it does sound like his daughter is more important to him than the woman that he's with by what he's saying. And I mean, to me, that's more of a red flag than how do I make it work perfectly? Right? If, if you find somebody,

00:17:22.280 that you want to make that priority, then I think that's a big indicator, but if you find somebody that you want to keep your daughter, that priority with, that may not be the right woman. Right? I mean, I'm not really the one to say either way, but just in the way that you worded it, that's how it felt to me.

00:17:45.140 Um, so I think Kip's right though, any relationship, a mistake that parents make, and this is if you're together or not, is, is like Kip said, putting the kids first. And when they know that, then they, they manipulate those relationships, you know, they, they use it to their advantage.

00:18:07.100 And especially, and I mean, it happens in a family that lives under the same roof, but especially when they're under different roofs. And I saw this happen because my, my mom went through a few marriages and, and my brother and sister there.

00:18:23.860 I watched them manipulate my mom and their dad and my stepdad, when my mom got remarried again. And I, from the outside looking in, watch them manipulate those situations because they knew that my mom kind of put them as the priority. And, uh, you just don't want to be caught in that situation.

00:18:47.860 Now, is it possible, right? That your current partner, um, cause here I am saying, Hey, put your partner first. Right. And then your partner might be like, I don't give a crap about your, your daughter. Right. It's about my kid. Well, is that a partner you want to be with? Right. And so it's not as black and white as I probably said it was right. You guys need to have some alignment, but if you're out of alignment, then that's not the right, the right person.

00:19:14.980 And, and, and what you might be falling into a little bit here. And I'm going to project a little bit on single moms that get remarried. They have been conditioned to believe that they could leave, take their kids, find a new guy and everything's going to be like normal. Right. And I'll just plug and play Sean into my marriage and, and it's just fine. Right. And I get, I get my picket white picket fence and everything's going to be normal.

00:19:44.960 And I just have a new dad. It's not, it's not, that's not how it works. Dad is never out of the picture, by the way, he's in the picture. And that kid, you don't, you don't think those kids will eventually be like dad's in the picture, whether he's around or not. He has an active role in their identity. And to be frank, he should be.

00:20:04.960 And so you and your spouse, you guys need to get on the same page of the importance of mom and dads, biological mom and dads, and the importance that they both bring to the table.

00:20:17.360 So now let's segue into the different scene of parenting styles. I used to believe that Asia and I, my wife had to parent the same, that we had to be exactly the same. And the reality of it is we're not the same.

00:20:32.560 I bring a more stern, more of a structured approach, discipline to the table. And she brings more empathy, love, and compassion. I think it's fine the way it is.

00:20:46.340 She should bring that more feminine traits to our children. And I need to bring the more stern, more of the structured approach to our children. And I shouldn't undermine her and she shouldn't undermine me. 0.97

00:21:02.880 But to think that we're always going to be exactly the same is silly. And I don't think it was intended to be that way. I think kids need both of that, but we got to be careful not to undermine each other, right?

00:21:14.840 If dad says, hey, you got to clean your room before you can play, mom can undermine him, go, oh, don't worry about it. Let me undermine dad and ruin that authority and that trust and his role in the relationship and let you do whatever you want, right?

00:21:32.600 And dad shouldn't be doing something that undermines mom. But we have unique talents and ways of being as males and females that let's embrace the differences and then let's work together for what's best for our kids.

00:21:47.540 I feel that my separate parenting styles with Asia has nothing to do with our blended family, has everything to do with the fact that she's a female and I'm a male.

00:21:59.240 That's really what it's rooted in. What are your thoughts, Sean, on this? Like, are you guys the same way? Do you see that same?

00:22:06.600 I mean, I'm 100% in alignment with that. I mean, everything you're saying, I'm like, yeah, that's exactly what I would have said. It's the same.

00:22:15.720 And so I think the point is just stop getting caught up in it being a blended family and just start parenting like you would with any partner, knowing that you're going to have different ways that you go about it.

00:22:31.140 My wife and I are very different in how we parent, but we talk about it all the time, you know, and so we definitely there's things we're on the same page with.

00:22:39.620 So we don't get manipulated like I was talking about by our kids, but it's, it's never going to be exactly the same.

00:22:48.380 Yeah. And you're going to screw up and then you're going to have to pivot and adjust and learn and everything else.

00:22:53.480 One thing, let me add this one thing to the conversation.

00:22:57.700 If you don't mind, when you have a blended family, you're going to find opportunities where your spouse is going to want to choose the kid over you.

00:23:08.440 When that happens, it's be careful not to perpetuate that thought process.

00:23:14.920 And you got to be really careful.

00:23:16.400 For instance, if there's a gist where, let's say my wife made her son a priority over me, you don't think that shows up.

00:23:24.760 And then now that almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy for me.

00:23:28.480 And there's a little bit of competition.

00:23:30.960 Be very careful.

00:23:32.760 That could be so damaging.

00:23:36.160 Your spouse right now or your partner, she might be under prioritizing your daughter.

00:23:42.420 Why?

00:23:43.060 Because you're prioritizing your daughter over her.

00:23:46.400 And there might be a struggle here where she's like, no, no, no.

00:23:50.860 I'm your world, not your daughter. 0.82

00:23:53.600 And so she's downplaying and that pendulum is swinging.

00:23:56.840 And she's downplaying, trying to downplay your priority of her in your relationship because you're not putting her first.

00:24:05.320 Be very careful not to get into that.

00:24:08.160 Now, you might have to establish some boundaries.

00:24:10.640 Hey, I'm not showing up as good as a father.

00:24:12.940 I want to do a better job with my daughter.

00:24:16.360 But I want to do a better job with my daughter with you still being the priority.

00:24:21.160 That our relationship is a priority.

00:24:22.820 And I need your help to make sure I'm a good dad.

00:24:26.680 But I want to be really clear.

00:24:28.400 I'm not choosing my daughter over you.

00:24:30.220 And I've seen this, I've seen this in, to be frank, in my relationship.

00:24:36.300 I've seen this with my in-laws where you get this competition dynamic between mother-in-laws and mothers and daughters and sons and dads.

00:24:47.160 Be very careful.

00:24:48.100 And it is because we're not clarifying the priority.

00:24:52.020 And we've got to make sure that our spouses are the priority and we're aligned with how we're going to raise our children and show up powerfully. 0.56

00:24:59.020 In fact, anything else, Sean, that you would add to that dynamic of discussion?

00:25:02.060 No. And the whole reason for all of it is because we're saying this, but didn't really kind of elaborate the reason.

00:25:10.980 Because that's what your kids need to see.

00:25:13.920 They need to see that healthy relationship if you expect them to ever be in a healthy relationship.

00:25:20.020 Because our goal isn't for us to be there for them their whole lives.

00:25:24.400 Our goal is to make them independent of us.

00:25:27.480 And so they need to know what a healthy relationship is and looks like if we expect them to have the best chance at that in their adult lives.

00:25:37.560 Yeah. Yeah.

00:25:38.360 And if it helps you, like, think about your spouse as your daughter, right?

00:25:42.640 What kind of man do you want her marrying? 1.00

00:25:44.560 One that puts his other kid a priority over her?

00:25:47.200 Like, you know, work through it and try to be self-aware in regards to how we might be showing up as parents.

00:25:52.600 All right. Robert Frags, when life becomes challenging as a leader, what are some things that you guys do to stay calibrated for life's tougher challenges?

00:26:03.420 Thank you.

00:26:03.860 I saw this question, too, earlier.

00:26:09.140 And the overwhelming thought I had is leadership is never not challenging.

00:26:17.600 And so the only way you're not going to get those challenges is if you just don't take on the role as a leader.

00:26:24.020 And so, you know, when he when he said the more challenging things, it's nothing prepares you for the most challenging things or the more challenging things.

00:26:38.160 Those things challenging things other than doing challenging things.

00:26:42.640 And that's how you learn and that's how you take on leadership roles.

00:26:45.640 That's how you excel and grow and learn and become better.

00:26:53.360 And there's no other way to do it.

00:26:55.380 And so all taking leadership responsibility does is it gets you a little further ahead of the curve because you tend to be in more conversation and have more experiences that equip you with being able to make better decisions.

00:27:13.160 When the really challenging things happen, you know, and so the only thing you can really do to prepare is is to keep taking on those leadership roles and doing the best to your capacity along the way, finding good mentors, you know, that you can model after and bounce things off of and and get help from, you know, and just continue to do your best.

00:27:43.160 That was my that was my that was my from the hip thought on that when I saw it.

00:27:47.800 There's two things that that have helped me.

00:27:50.920 The first is I evaluate the current circumstance and where I want to go and is the current struggle and toughness really that tough.

00:28:01.760 So let me give you an example.

00:28:04.480 If I let's say I'm doing a conference, right, and I'm stressed out about it, like, oh, my gosh, I'm nervous or whatever.

00:28:13.560 And I think, oh, my gosh, there's only like 100 people in the conference.

00:28:17.200 If I can't do this conference really well for 100 people, then I'm certainly not going to do it well for a thousand.

00:28:25.800 Right.

00:28:26.360 If I can't pull this thing off, if I can't like succeed in a company of 200 people, then I'm definitely not set up to succeed in a company of 500.

00:28:35.780 So and I don't know why, but that down it kind of downplays my current and looks at it and helps me see it as a rep.

00:28:42.400 This is a rep.

00:28:43.600 This is a rep on my progression of wanting to do to do bigger, better things in the future.

00:28:51.440 And I got to figure this out to be able to ever have that level of impact that I'm that I'm seeking for.

00:28:57.640 And so I kind of look at the current circumstance, not downplay it, but just kind of see it, see it for what it is.

00:29:03.720 And this is a rep opportunity.

00:29:05.780 Now, the other thing is, it's really hard.

00:29:07.900 Like I get I get I get in the jar, man.

00:29:11.240 I get so deep in the jar.

00:29:12.620 I can't see the label.

00:29:13.680 I'm stressed out about the way things should be, the way things shouldn't be.

00:29:17.680 And we got all this work to do.

00:29:19.420 And I kind of like really, to be frank, kind of beat myself up quite a bit when I get stressed.

00:29:26.100 And one thing that has really helped is to detach and and just look back strategically at what's going on.

00:29:35.860 What's it?

00:29:36.660 What's the situation?

00:29:39.300 What's the bigger picture that I'm looking at?

00:29:41.900 Get out of the weeds of the tactical.

00:29:43.940 Start thinking strategically.

00:29:45.860 What's the long term strategy and plan?

00:29:48.620 And then the other thing that really helps me is and it sounds silly, but just prioritizing executing.

00:29:53.500 I could it was funny like a year ago when I first got an executive assistant, it was really great.

00:30:02.080 She says, Kip, I need to understand all the things that you're dealing with so I can help.

00:30:06.840 We scheduled an hour meeting, ended up taking like two or three hours and I brain dumped all the things.

00:30:15.600 Two or three hours it took me to dump all the things that I need to do that are just overwhelming my mind.

00:30:24.700 And that's work, let alone I add family to it, right?

00:30:30.440 And I throw houses into it and and projects that are around the house or just silly things like all the crap in the garage I need to clean up.

00:30:39.060 And the fact that my my bike's expiration is expired and I want to get that done before winter.

00:30:43.920 Like there's all these things and when I when I feel it all it's exhausting, I'm stressed and I life is tough, but when I just go hey, you know what I can't do it all.

00:30:57.600 But what I can do is prioritize the top items and win on the top priorities.

00:31:04.820 And now I know I'm making momentum and then I just reprioritize and then I just execute.

00:31:11.220 So when when you feel overwhelmed like there's so much all that we can really do is identify the important items and and execute on them and and find value in that.

00:31:24.040 Um, and I think it goes without saying, but balance is important here.

00:31:31.060 Right, Sean, it's important right that you went to Fiji.

00:31:35.000 It's important that you get your surfing in it's important that you get your workouts in.

00:31:40.220 If if we're all in the weeds constantly as leaders and it's all about work, we're not setting ourselves up to win.

00:31:47.660 We need that balance because sometimes it's not just about the effort and the work getting done.

00:31:56.700 The other measure is the impact.

00:32:00.180 Sure, I can come to the office and I get lots of stuff done.

00:32:03.180 But if my name impact is net negative because I'm pissed off because I don't have margin because I'm not taking care of myself. 0.99

00:32:11.100 Is it really beneficial that I got all these things done, but I'm walking around like a complete jerk? 0.98

00:32:17.640 You know what I mean? 0.98

00:32:18.460 And I'm eroding relationships because I'm in a bad mood.

00:32:21.400 Be careful, be mindful of how we're showing up.

00:32:24.820 And sometimes that how is determined by the margin and the balance that we have in life.

00:32:30.400 You know, and and like everything that we're talking about is still it's kind of like what we were talking about with the relationship stuff.

00:32:40.600 We all have this expectation of what it's supposed to be like, where really when you take on and the more leadership you take on and the higher up the quote unquote ladder that you get in that.

00:32:54.660 The more you become a juggler of crises, you know, or many crises, because it's because most people aren't good at managing their emotions and doing the things you're talking about, which is what you're talking about.

00:33:10.540 Managing your emotion through it, where you're staying never too high, never too low.

00:33:14.720 You have to manage being even keel through that.

00:33:18.240 And so that's what you start to get better and better at.

00:33:20.860 But most people aren't.

00:33:21.660 Most people freak out.

00:33:25.020 Most people, you know, overreact.

00:33:27.840 Most people, you know, or they react without thinking, you know, kind of ready, fire, aim.

00:33:33.560 And so as they are going through crisis, the more experience you've had with doing the planning and knowing how to execute and knowing how to attack these issues.

00:33:47.580 And like, I have a deep rooted thing in me where I don't even use the word problems.

00:33:53.740 It's challenges.

00:33:54.760 I've replaced the word problems with challenges.

00:33:57.380 Everything's a challenge.

00:33:58.480 And so for me, my initial reaction to a crisis is, okay, that's how do I approach this challenge?

00:34:06.440 You know, what needs to be done and I can do it with a level head.

00:34:11.600 And so what you start to find is even the difficult challenges as they're happening to you, you, because you've gone through that process, Kip was talking about so many times.

00:34:22.980 Because you really just attack them the same.

00:34:26.120 You, you, you know, you assess and you go, you do that OODA loop, right?

00:34:30.340 It's kind of that same thing every time.

00:34:33.340 It's why they teach it in the military.

00:34:35.140 And you do it quickly so you can learn, pivot and adjust constantly over and over.

00:34:39.020 I really like that, Sean, that you brought that up.

00:34:41.760 And, and I feel, I feel, here's the other thing about leadership.

00:34:46.500 What are we typically dealing with?

00:34:48.760 People.

00:34:49.840 And, and we have to work with people that are not perfect.

00:34:54.040 They're not systems.

00:34:55.420 They're not processes.

00:34:57.300 They're not exact.

00:34:58.600 They're different.

00:34:59.680 All of them.

00:35:00.680 And they have different skills and different issues and different stories and different areas of where they are.

00:35:05.860 And man, the more I've held on to how I think people should or should not be, it probably causes more problems than not.

00:35:15.260 Yeah.

00:35:15.880 If I have all these set expectations of how my team should be, it, it is disruptive.

00:35:21.780 I need to meet them where they are.

00:35:23.980 Otherwise, I'm not going to be in a position of helping them.

00:35:26.860 If I'm so set on Sean and the way he should be or should not be, I, I'm not even learning.

00:35:33.700 I'm not saying, Hey, Sean, what do you need?

00:35:36.840 I really think about that.

00:35:38.580 A lot of hardened expectations that we have on people is a form of command and control.

00:35:44.180 We're seeing them as objects and we're seeing them as the way they should or should not be versus us dealing in reality and saying, what are the unique talents of my people?

00:35:55.580 What are the unique challenges of those individuals and how do I serve and support them in their growth and their service of their job?

00:36:05.780 And the answer to that is going to be different for every person.

00:36:10.260 Man, we, I've seen this so many times where we'll pull up executive reports and it's so like, it seems to make sense, right?

00:36:18.900 But if you pull up a report and go, all right, who's our lowest performers?

00:36:23.680 And then we have the audacity to go, Oh, what's the one thing that we need to, what knob do we need to turn to get those 50 people to execute?

00:36:34.600 We're talking about people and the answer is not a knob that affects all 50.

00:36:44.060 The answer is in me going to that person and going, Chris, how do I support you in your role?

00:36:51.100 Let me understand your challenges that you're experiencing.

00:36:54.760 And it's unique to Chris a lot of the time.

00:36:57.600 That's why decentralized command is so critical because you can't sit in an ivory tower as an executive and have control over hundreds of people.

00:37:10.020 It's not that simple.

00:37:11.560 It's really not.

00:37:12.820 And it's quite arrogant and naive to think otherwise.

00:37:17.580 You're dealing with people.

00:37:19.120 We have to understand our people and people are different.

00:37:22.560 They're not the same and they're all need something slightly different.

00:37:26.320 And that's the role of a leader, not to manage people, to lead them.

00:37:31.480 And to lead someone, you need to know them.

00:37:34.040 A little bit of a rant.

00:37:35.280 I'm sorry.

00:37:36.120 No, but that's good.

00:37:37.500 And that honestly is more advanced leadership, is understanding the personality types of the people that you're dealing with is what you're talking about so that you know how to communicate with them.

00:37:49.140 Because all leadership is, is more precise communication.

00:37:53.800 It's, it's, it's helping people to do more than they would have done themselves.

00:37:59.200 And most of that is helping them understand how to use their abilities to perform.

00:38:05.260 And so for us to be able to do that as leaders, we have to understand those abilities.

00:38:10.840 Yeah.

00:38:11.860 Yeah.

00:38:12.380 That's so true.

00:38:13.420 All right.

00:38:13.700 Steven Ragger has a question.

00:38:15.340 I like it because there's an, hopefully you'll see the value of, of us grabbing this question.

00:38:20.060 It's very specific by the way, which, which we don't get those as often, but the, but there's some lessons in this.

00:38:25.720 Being a man of your word and honoring your obligations.

00:38:29.840 I've been recruiting and hiring for a long time in my business.

00:38:33.000 We have an ad pre-hire questions, telephone interviews, text confirmation, the week of, and about 50% or more of those people don't show up for the interviews on a monthly basis.

00:38:47.080 Okay.

00:38:47.260 So they have these preset processes that you need to do when you apply for a job, it comes to an interview and only about 50% of them show up.

00:38:55.360 It's a lot of work on their part, just not to show up.

00:38:59.840 What does it say about you men in our society to apply for a position and confirm you'll show up only not to show up the day of?

00:39:10.060 Not sure if this is a good question or not for the podcast.

00:39:13.040 Right.

00:39:13.580 But I think there's something here from maybe a, a, a, a leadership perspective of why do people do things?

00:39:23.080 And then all of a sudden drop the ball.

00:39:24.880 And although we can't control people, what can we do to help people honor commitments?

00:39:32.400 So let me, I rephrase that question for you, Sean, to, to kick off, kick us off.

00:39:37.580 Yeah.

00:39:38.060 I mean, you already tapped into it when you mentioned leadership.

00:39:40.740 This is the perfect segue actually, from what we were just talking about, because there's no, um, I mean, welcome to leadership.

00:39:49.960 Welcome to, I mean, cause what you're doing, if you're part of that recruiting process, you're part of the leadership team.

00:39:56.120 And so, um, welcome.

00:39:58.820 Most people don't do what they say they're going to do.

00:40:02.140 It's just human nature.

00:40:03.660 And so it's, there's nothing, and I don't think it's a sign of the times, you know, I don't think it's a current thing.

00:40:11.440 It's always been that way.

00:40:13.000 I mean, the world is very different than it was when I started my business 25 years ago.

00:40:17.920 Um, but people are the same.

00:40:21.640 They really are.

00:40:22.960 They don't, they're not more or less flaky.

00:40:25.140 Just people are flaky.

00:40:26.160 They, most of them are, that's why every company, every business, every speaker, anybody in the personal development world, you're never going to hear from anybody who doesn't talk about the 20% rule.

00:40:38.600 I mean, that's just, uh, uh, it's a, again, human nature thing, which the 20% rule, if you don't know it is that 20% of the people do 80% of the work.

00:40:50.600 So what that means is 80% of the people are flaky.

00:40:54.360 They're not reliable.

00:40:55.860 They're not going to, you know, they don't push themselves.

00:40:59.020 They don't learn and grow.

00:41:00.800 They don't, all of the things that we expect them to do when we're in a leadership position, again, having those false expectations.

00:41:07.620 And so I'm not saying you have to, um, require less of people or even you shouldn't expect less of people, but don't expect them to perform, which sounds like the same thing, but they're two very different things, right?

00:41:26.680 Having the expectation that somebody should perform and the expectation that they're absolutely going to are two totally different things.

00:41:35.420 And so we have to learn that balance.

00:41:39.080 And as far as answering the question of what do I do?

00:41:42.840 All you can do is all you can do.

00:41:45.240 So you just keep doing, if you already feel like you're running and setting up those, I mean, if your follow-up is good, you have confirmation calls, emails, you know, different things in your system to, for them to respond to, to say, they're going to be there.

00:42:03.120 And they still don't show, then that's all you can do.

00:42:06.380 It's just a numbers game.

00:42:08.140 Totally.

00:42:08.340 And it sounds like a feature.

00:42:10.080 Awesome.

00:42:10.440 Stephen, you, you got, you just needed out 50% of the candidates that you definitely don't want to hire.

00:42:16.120 Yeah.

00:42:17.740 By, by seeing that they don't commit, right.

00:42:20.740 Even to the interview process.

00:42:22.240 And, and there, and there's, there's value in us evaluating people and understanding kind of the psychology of people.

00:42:31.380 I, I, I've dropped the ball.

00:42:33.560 I've done something that I know I shouldn't have done.

00:42:35.800 Why?

00:42:36.720 Why do I do it?

00:42:37.880 Because I, I don't think it's important to you.

00:42:40.100 So I downplay that was Sean really committed to me.

00:42:44.180 Was he really excited to me?

00:42:45.460 So I got disenfranchised and I checked out.

00:42:47.280 Like there's a lot going on and so there's value in us from a leadership perspective to think through why don't people make and honor commitments?

00:43:00.540 And are we black and white, right?

00:43:02.820 When we are asking for a commitment.

00:43:05.260 When I say, hey, Sean, can we do this?

00:43:06.960 And Sean's like, yeah, sounds good.

00:43:08.260 And we in the call.

00:43:09.340 That's not a commitment.

00:43:10.960 Hey, Sean, can you do this by this date?

00:43:13.260 This is the next day.

00:43:13.840 Like there's power in communication to help people level up and make sure that it's black and white when they're making a commitment or we communicate the importance of the actual commitment.

00:43:25.060 Like there's lots of things, but understanding human behavior a little bit will certainly benefit us.

00:43:31.160 So that way we're setting the right expectations up front.

00:43:35.020 Yeah.

00:43:35.780 Yeah.

00:43:36.480 I think we have to understand our numbers in every business we're in.

00:43:40.220 And that's the department you're in.

00:43:44.120 So you just need to compile those numbers and make sure that that's known throughout the company that, you know, that's what it is.

00:43:52.500 And so they're going to have to continue to put resources in to fulfill their numbers.

00:43:58.040 Now, Stephen, you might be like, man, we're doing a lot of work for a 50% fallout.

00:44:03.280 So one thing that does come to mind is maybe in that initial process when you're doing the pre-hire questions, maybe one of the pre-hire questions is their commitment, right?

00:44:15.040 Question number one, are you committed to asking these questions, doing a phone interview, and then having, you know, an in-place interview?

00:44:25.920 Like that's the commitment of this.

00:44:27.940 Yes or no?

00:44:28.740 And if you're not, then don't like stop now kind of thing.

00:44:32.720 So, and I don't know if there is, but then maybe think through ways that we could flush them out sooner than later based upon the other things.

00:44:44.840 So, or maybe they're not excited about the role, right?

00:44:48.940 And you have 50% of people going, I'm not interested anymore because, you know, these guys are putting me to, this is not worth like all these things they're asking me to do as part of the recruiting process.

00:45:01.500 And the job description didn't sound that great.

00:45:03.600 The company doesn't really sound that great.

00:45:05.120 So I'm not going to put in the effort necessary to win this job.

00:45:09.680 I mean, there's power in you evaluating, taking some ownership there and going, hey, maybe I'm losing 50% because we're failing to communicate how awesome it is to work here and why they should be fighting to work here or not.

00:45:23.120 So, you know, evaluate the process, see if there's maybe some areas that you guys can improve in that, from that perspective.

00:45:29.480 All right.

00:45:29.800 Chris Babber, do you guys have dedicated date night?

00:45:32.940 Do you do a dedicated date night?

00:45:34.320 Like every Friday, it's set in stone, hardened?

00:45:37.220 No, we never have.

00:45:40.100 But we're very, we're great communicators with each other.

00:45:45.160 And so our date nights, like we've been, I've been wanting to schedule one for us, actually, matter of fact, the last three weeks, and we haven't been able to get one in, you know, but we went to Fiji and, you know, we've had these other things happening.

00:46:02.200 And so it's not a set in stone thing.

00:46:05.060 But I will tell you, until you're strong in your communication about it, and talking about it, and knowing from each other that the intention is there, and, you know, life may just be happening.

00:46:17.020 If you're not doing it, I think it's important for couples, especially that are very focused in their jobs and in their kids that aren't good at getting date nights done.

00:46:32.980 I think for them, I think for them, it's important to set in their schedule, the beginning of the month, whether it's weekly, or even beginning of the month, having things set in stone on your schedule that you treat like your most important client or, you know, appointment or whatever it may be in your business or whatever your focus has been on.

00:46:54.220 To get to the point where your communication is higher, and you're doing those things, then I think you do need to set it in stone.

00:47:03.880 And so I think it depends on your dynamic and where you land and how good you are at the communication of those things.

00:47:12.540 But, yeah, even though we're not now, when we first started, we used to set in stone at kind of the beginning of the month, at least one or two.

00:47:24.720 And then once a quarter, we would set in, we would write in mini honeymoons that we would do, you know, and get off on these little getaways, just the two of us, you know, after we had kids and do that as well and add that to the mix.

00:47:38.000 So it's very important, but I don't think, and here's why the challenge that comes with having a set date night is inevitably, there's someone's going to get mad when it doesn't happen.

00:47:53.780 You know, as life happens and things come up, that may be side swipe the date night.

00:47:59.660 Inevitably, I've seen that happen more often than not, where someone gets upset.

00:48:04.300 Okay, now, if you schedule it in somewhere and you set it in stone, then it's your job to do everything in your power to make sure that it happens, you know, and so that isn't an issue.

00:48:18.240 But if you do set it every week, you know, especially as you have kids and other things, depending on how full your schedule is, that can be an unrealistic expectation to ensure that that happens every week at the same time at the, you know, whatever it is.

00:48:35.640 And so you have to have to be able to roll with the punches.

00:48:40.160 For us, I know we'd be better off if we did.

00:48:42.600 Yeah.

00:48:43.040 Like when we, when we are making, because it slips away, Kip, is that because, yeah, yeah.

00:48:47.760 Because before you know it, all of a sudden three months has gone by or something.

00:48:51.220 And we're out of alignment or we're not discussing things that we should be discussing and et cetera.

00:48:56.840 And, and so the only thing I know without a doubt would be better off if we did when we don't.

00:49:01.800 As an example of what this could look like, when we were training for like a half marathon last year, we ran almost every day together.

00:49:13.380 Those were probably, our relationship was in a much better place when we were running because we're talking about what's on our minds and what our concerns are and how stressful our day was and what are we going to do about this?

00:49:29.360 And we were learning about each other and understanding each other better.

00:49:35.220 That's what it was doing.

00:49:37.720 And so I think there's value in the margin to make sure that you're, you're continuing to learn about one another.

00:49:44.020 And then there's the other value of that.

00:49:46.940 You are a priority kind of back to that first question around our children.

00:49:51.860 If everything is a priority above our spouse, it's, you're going to feel that.

00:49:58.560 Yeah.

00:49:59.580 You're going to feel it.

00:50:00.880 I'm, I'm, I'm going to feel that I'm not their priority, right?

00:50:03.960 That these events are the priority, that my kids are the priority, like other things are the priority.

00:50:09.600 And if your spouse isn't your person, then who is?

00:50:13.740 Yeah.

00:50:14.820 Right.

00:50:15.200 And, and, and, and I think that's kind of what the dedicated date night might do for a lot of people.

00:50:20.220 All right.

00:50:20.900 Last question, Bob Ross, gentlemen, what type of strategies do you employ when faced with a large life stressors to calm and level-headed and not stress or emotion state control and not let stress or emotion state control?

00:50:36.620 So what are you, can you start over again?

00:50:39.160 Cause that kind of lost me when the.

00:50:40.700 Yeah, strategies when you're faced with life stressors, how are you staying calm and level-headed and not allowing emotion or the stress state control of things?

00:50:54.460 I'm, I'm really good at this as far as staying level-headed.

00:51:02.300 That action part though, is what's difficult to me sometimes.

00:51:07.680 Um, and what I mean by that is like the stress gets me to maybe detract from what I know I need to do sometime.

00:51:20.000 You know, that's like a personality trait of mine.

00:51:22.240 Yeah.

00:51:22.620 And, and, and so I will do other things to make me feel good about quote unquote, getting things done instead of placing that as a priority sometime.

00:51:33.660 Got it.

00:51:34.080 Right.

00:51:34.740 And so it doesn't mean I don't have a level-head.

00:51:36.940 Something else done within your realm of control.

00:51:39.680 Yes.

00:51:40.160 Yes.

00:51:40.620 And so, you know, and, and so that is, I'm not saying that's good or bad.

00:51:45.280 It's probably more bad than good.

00:51:47.020 Um, but that's the reason I bring it up is because, you know, that's not good either.

00:51:54.060 So just because you have a level head doesn't mean you're necessarily doing the right things, you know?

00:52:00.100 So I just want to throw that out there before I go into answering this.

00:52:03.420 And as far as how you keep a level head, it's, I think we've already addressed it in the prior questions.

00:52:11.000 When we talked about kind of managing crisis, right?

00:52:14.760 It's, it's from experience and, and mentors help a ton with this.

00:52:23.720 Having somebody you could go to, to talk through things with, um, to ask about if it's something that's really stressful.

00:52:32.260 Um, I think it's important that we have somebody to vent to and to bounce ideas off of and how we're going to approach it.

00:52:40.620 And I think that's where a lot of people fail.

00:52:42.560 If you find yourself getting emotionally controlled by difficult situations, um, then that's an issue that you have with your emotions that you need to find a way to put in check.

00:52:56.940 Um, and you're not going to do it on your own.

00:52:59.340 And so, you know, it's, it's, you're going to need help and you're going to need to bounce it off of people.

00:53:04.220 And then through that process, you need to put systems in place, which we talked about as well, that help you attack those issues and attack those challenges.

00:53:17.200 And, and, you know, that's going to be different for everybody, depending on your, your personality type as well.

00:53:25.040 And so for me, it's more, it said, assess the situation, assess the importance of it or the, the magnitude of it.

00:53:34.180 And then, um, you know, assess how it's kind of Covey's thing.

00:53:40.820 Right.

00:53:41.120 I think when I think of how do you attack, yeah, I think the seven habits of highly effective people, he has one of the best systems in place for, um, analyzing.

00:53:53.980 You know, what's the most important and what you should prioritize.

00:53:59.160 Um, and then, you know, from there, uh, just start taking steps to, to handle the challenge.

00:54:08.920 Um, you know, and, and so it's, um, and then I mentioned when I said, all you can do is all you can do.

00:54:17.240 I think that's the hard, because when we're talking stressful things, we could be talking work.

00:54:23.320 We could also be talking about dealing with a family member who has stage four cancer, you know?

00:54:28.480 And so like the level of, of importance and, you know, unimportant, we could like have a child that, you know, is in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.

00:54:38.340 And we find out at our job and we're, you know, 30 miles from the hospital, they're on their way to, and, you know, you being emotional can get you in a car accident on the way to there, you know, or whatever it is.

00:54:51.780 And so you have to be able to assess, calm yourself down, just drive, or even better yet, if you're really smart, you ask somebody to drive you there.

00:55:02.580 Yeah.

00:55:03.100 Right.

00:55:03.480 And so it's like those assessments, right?

00:55:05.820 There's, there's so many scales we can go from, but I think the important part is taking that step back.

00:55:12.780 If you have somebody you can bounce it off of, use them, you know, and, and have them help you in that decision making and, and then start taking whatever action you've assessed that you need to do.

00:55:30.920 I think the number one mistake people make though, is they take no action.

00:55:34.600 They get paralyzed.

00:55:35.760 They, they freak out.

00:55:37.460 They, you know, or they emotionally act.

00:55:41.120 Yeah.

00:55:41.600 Or they can't get past the, the, what should or shouldn't be.

00:55:46.080 I shouldn't have to, I shouldn't have to.

00:55:47.740 And it's like, well, you know what?

00:55:49.200 We need to let go and deal in reality.

00:55:51.800 And sometimes life is tough.

00:55:54.760 Kids are difficult.

00:55:56.020 Spouses are difficult.

00:55:57.200 Jobs are difficult.

00:55:59.040 It is what it is.

00:56:00.280 So let go.

00:56:02.240 Deal in reality.

00:56:03.900 And I really like what you said is like, and then just do your best with what you have.

00:56:08.860 Yeah.

00:56:09.300 That's all that we can ultimately do, but make sure to complete the thought, right?

00:56:14.400 Oh, I shouldn't have to.

00:56:15.440 Yeah.

00:56:15.680 Okay.

00:56:15.980 Well, maybe, but guess what?

00:56:17.920 You are.

00:56:18.760 So now what are you going to do about it?

00:56:20.260 Right.

00:56:20.680 And now what's prioritized?

00:56:22.300 What's the most important things?

00:56:23.600 And then let's execute.

00:56:24.560 That's, that's, that's what I'm hearing. 0.86

00:56:26.980 Yeah.

00:56:27.960 Awesome, man.

00:56:28.700 All right.

00:56:29.060 We're, we're up on time.

00:56:30.200 So a couple of things connect with Mr.

00:56:32.860 Mickler on X and Instagram at Ryan Mickler.

00:56:36.280 As always, you can connect with us in our Facebook group at facebook.com slash group slash order of man.

00:56:42.240 And of course, to learn more about the iron council, our exclusive brotherhood, go to order of man.com slash iron council.

00:56:50.180 You can learn more.

00:56:51.300 However, enrollment will not be open until mid December for the beginning of next year.

00:56:57.800 So you can learn about it, but, uh, until then take action and become the men that we were meant to be.

00:57:04.860 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.

00:57:07.660 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

00:57:11.400 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - November 01, 2023

Showing Love in a Blended Family, Being Prepared for Challenges, and Scheduling Date Nights ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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