On this episode of the Order of Man Podcast, we have a special guest on the show this week, Sean Stokes. Sean is a professional surfer, hunter, and all-around great dude. He is also a father to two boys, ages 11 and 13. In this episode, we talk about how important it is for kids to be involved in sports outside of school, and how to get them involved in it. We also answer some of your questions.
00:00:45.540We're on this little island called Tavarua. It's literally a heart-shaped island in the middle of the ocean.
00:00:50.640Some of the best waves in the world there. It was epic.
00:00:53.500Is this a surf trip, family trip, work trip, all of it?
00:00:58.920No work, just surfing, family. It was great. Something for everybody.
00:01:05.860I love it, man. I love it. In fact, I was surprised that you could record today because I thought,
00:01:09.880that's deer hunt season. I thought maybe Sean's out trying to fill a tag like Ryan is, I think, this week.
00:01:17.140Yeah, he is. I'm running around, but I'm doing most of it on my property right now. There's another spot I have that's like 45 minutes from me. But we today had the weather change. It was literally two days ago, 80 degrees.
00:01:29.600And today it's in the 40s. And so it was like quick shit.
00:01:34.440The difference of hunting across the US, right? Like out west, we're trying to get tags. We're in a lottery system. And then all you guys in the Midwest and further east, it's all about who you know that has property that you can just hunt on.
00:01:49.460And it's actually quite annoying because you guys are just like, oh, I can do whatever I want. Just shoot on some property. Meanwhile, in the Rocky Mountains, we're all like begging for a tag to a crappy zone.
00:02:03.080Yeah, my friends who don't know, I tell them that there's no tags out here. And they're like, wait, what? You know? And I'm like, yeah, we get two bucks a year and up to three does a day. You know, there's no limit. So it's like Hawaii.
00:02:19.340Maybe you need to invite me out and I can hunt on your property. The only benefit or the close thing to that that we have is, and I forgot the name of the tag, but it's like when you own farmland.
00:02:30.800And the fishing game will actually give you like so many tags to keep.
00:02:38.840On your Oscar property. Yeah. And so those you can pop out in your field, but anyhow.
00:02:45.840Cool, man. So we have limited time. Let's get into it. We're going to field questions from two sources. We have a handful of questions from the Iron Council. That is our exclusive brotherhood. To learn more, go to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil.
00:02:58.640And then we're also going to field a couple of questions from our Facebook group, facebook.com slash group slash order of man. Let's get into it. Dustin Stokes.
00:03:09.100I'm an experienced, I am experienced with CrossFit, but I have two boys ages 11 and 13, and I like to get them involved in weightlifting, fitness, and et cetera, with peers their age and in an environment led by a coach.
00:03:23.240They aren't involved in any team sports. Schools don't provide anything like this. And my CrossFit gym is stacked full of adults and not a great option for kids.
00:03:31.200I've Googled, searched the web, but not finding much out there at this age. Curious your guys' suggestions for what to search for, what other dads do to intentionally get their kids around other mentors and peers that enjoy fitness outside the team sport environment.
00:03:48.340I can obviously take them to work out myself, which I do, but I'm not looking, but I'm looking for ideas beyond that.
00:03:55.240Hmm. I saw this question. I was thinking about it. I mean, it's, it's hard if it's not in the schools because, you know, in, in, where you are in the school system, you know, most sports start in middle schools.
00:04:11.580And, and then most of those have a GM, you know, like my boys had a little gym in their, in their middle and for football. So football was the sport. Everybody knows they're lifting.
00:04:23.100But even though they had it in the middle schools, they don't do a ton of lifting. You know, I know Brecken was in, you know, he was starting power lifting, you know, and they had that out in Maine when Ryan was out there, but I don't think they have it out in Utah where he is now.
00:04:38.780You know, so I think it's a lot of it's area specific. Um, but here were my major thoughts. My, my boys, even though they had access to it, never really lifted, but they're super strong, mostly through just playing football.
00:04:53.680Um, and now they're doing wrestling, um, cause that's in the schools and football and wrestling. You could, they have, they should have rec leagues or rec clubs, um, you know, or, or clubs to be able to do that in no matter where you are.
00:05:09.560Um, you may have to drive a little bit to get to, to some of those. Um, but I know we talk a lot about jujitsu. I can tell you, my kids did. I, I was doing Kenpo before jujitsu and so were my kids.
00:05:23.600Um, and, um, and then we transitioned into jujitsu and the strength curve, you know, for all of us, once we were in jujitsu was giant. And I can tell you, like most of the muscles they have now, they built through just running and being active, playing football.
00:05:40.480Um, and jujitsu, you know, and that for their age, I think is better workout anyways. And then I had a trainer. I have my, my trainer that I had.
00:05:52.520Um, he's worked with my boys a few times to give them body weight and core workouts, um, that they've done that they've incorporated in the last couple of years.
00:06:04.540Um, which obviously there was a cost to that, but it was worth it because they got technique and how to do it right and what not to do from him.
00:06:15.000And because it's core and body weight stuff that I'm not worried about them going too hard and, you know, getting bad habits and hurting themselves at a young age. So that's what we've done.
00:06:26.300Yeah. And I'm assuming that's why a lot of CrossFit kids, CrossFit gyms don't touch kids. Cause I'm like, they're probably getting injured. Right. I mean, even personal Dustin, but like even a lot of CrossFit gyms, you're like, oh my gosh, there's all bad form all happening all over the place. Right.
00:06:41.380So maybe that's why they avoid it. The only things that come to mind is the power lifting route. That's really a recommendation probably that Ryan would say, because, uh, Brecken probably found lifting right through power lifting. So I'm not sure if you've checked Googling like power lifting clubs for kids. The two things that come to mind for me is, uh, both of my girls do gymnastics. They are so strong, insanely strong.
00:07:09.180And so I would actually look at maybe getting your boy into gymnastics, uh, without a doubt, most that's around everywhere. Some of those schools are actually, uh, females only. So yeah, that's the tougher part is if you have a boy, it'll be harder to find gymnastics just for boys or for a co-ed or whatever.
00:07:30.900But, um, it's, it's, it's, I'm planning on it. I plan to put my five-year-old in gymnastics just so he can learn body strength and control. And my girls are, are wicked strong. In fact, I intentionally try not to do any core exercises around my daughters because they'll be like, oh, dad, you're doing it wrong. Do this. And I'm like, I can't do what you're doing.
00:07:52.760Like they're so insanely strong. So gymnastics. The other thing that crossed my mind is, and it's popular is that kind of that warrior kid or, um, American warrior gym kind of stuff. There's a couple of those gyms, uh, where we live.
00:08:11.020And, and these kids, it's almost like gymnastics to be honest with you, but it's those like obstacle courses and stuff from American warrior. And that might get you kind of what you're looking for as well as high intensity training, but it's a little bit fun, uh, for the kids, but they're going to get a lot of strength. And of course, you know, I'm always an advocate for jujitsu and wrestling, but, but maybe, I don't know, maybe gymnastics, maybe some warrior American warrior obstacle. I don't know what those schools are called, but.
00:08:41.020And actually I even think about like, uh, rock climbing gyms. Yep. Those kids are wicked strong too. So hopefully that's gives you some ideas. Anything else, Sean, we're probably stumbling here a little bit.
00:08:54.080No, nailed it. I think that that's, that's it. I would just, just caution, like with our kids, especially as guys, we tend to, especially if we like something or love doing something and want them to do it with us.
00:09:07.800We tend to go ahead of where they should be. I've done that with my kids with surfing even. And, and, you know, my, my oldest, my daughter, I kind of traumatized her to young because I wanted her to surf and like it and enjoy it. And I pushed it on her in the wrong conditions. And, and then she ended up not wanting to do it at all.
00:09:26.400So just be careful of that, that you're so passionate or excited or wanting to get them involved in those things that you push too hard, you know, just make sure that whatever it is out of all the things that we even recommended, that it's something that they can get behind and be excited about.
00:09:42.540And then they find joy in it, right? Yeah, that they're not, it's not like the grind because then they're just going to push away. That's a really good point. All right. Paul, so no Kip from hearing you speak. I know you have a blended family.
00:09:54.080Was there any point that you felt it didn't work? Specifically, did you feel that the additional children took you away from your own children? I've gotten that question before. It's a really interesting thought.
00:10:06.380Some context on my challenge. My daughter's mother and I are no longer together, but we're on very good terms and we're together for 20 years. And I have an eight-year-old girl. My partner has, has a two and a half year old. Dad is not on the scene alive, but not involved. We have spent a year trying to blend our family, but it doesn't work with the compromise on both sides.
00:10:30.980Scheduling doesn't work. Parenting styles are massively different. Job schedules are vastly different. While I'm protecting and providing, it feels like I'm not 100% able to take care of my daughter's need and I feel guilty. I'm also not taking care of my needs due to the hectic schedule work.
00:10:47.560My thoughts are, oops, sorry, I scrolled too far. My thoughts are to the end, the relationship and focus on my daughter and me. Or keep it going, but step back and set additional boundaries to prioritize my daughter with a view to grow the family together slowly over the coming years and accept that our version of a blended family looks vastly different to a typical family setup.
00:11:12.700Ooh. So you, you start with this one. Well, I mean, I can't start with this one, but let's, let's, let's lay this out. Right. Because I don't think this is, there's a blended family conversation in this, but there's just a family conversation to this. Right. You know, and I know, Sean, we, we, even in a non-blended family experience, we're going to have different parenting styles.
00:11:37.700We're going to see things differently. Schedules are going to be hectic. They're going to be chaotic. You're going to show up one way. Mom's going to show up the other way. You might be undermining each other. Like a lot of this exists in a non-blended family scenario.
00:11:56.760I think the only thing that gets added to this, that could be very dangerous is this idea that my daughter comes before my spouse, whether it's blended or not. And, and so let me, let me address that. And then we can talk about schedules and different parenting styles. Is that fair?
00:12:20.740Here's the deal. You're in, or you're out. And your commitment is to your spouse, not to your kids. And I know that is hard because right now you're saying, no, no, no. My daughter, what I'm hearing is my daughter's the priority, not my spouse. That's never going to work. I would. Can you imagine that? If, if your wife chose your kids over you.
00:12:46.720Now, I'm not saying we don't do what's right and we're not amazing parents and we don't put our kids first or we don't make our kids a priority, but they can't be a priority over your spouse. They can't. And, and those kids are going to leave.
00:13:04.080Eventually they're going to leave and you need to make your partnership with your spouse and how you raise your kids, the priority, not the actual kids themselves. And now why?
00:13:16.720Here's one of the considerations. Your daughter is probably better off with you figuring out how to co-parent with someone else, how to get on the same page, figure out schedules, figure out boundaries and model what it looks like to be a great husband and have a mom.
00:13:39.140Then it is for you to abandon all that and just make her the priority. I really believe that kids need a mom and a dad, not just a really good dad. They need you.
00:13:50.780They need a mom and they need to see you struggle, argue, disagree, and figure out life with a spouse. That's part of the value of parenting.
00:14:03.100That's the modeling that you're giving them. And you being a single parent is not going to benefit her in that way. I, I, I so believe that. Okay. Now with that said, parenting styles, you want to jump into that one?
00:14:18.640How do we handle the difference between mom and dads? Because I really do feel this, this, this, the parenting style issue could be an issue agnostic of a blended family scenario. So what's your thoughts there, Sean?
00:14:32.140It's the biggest thing that stood out. And I, I was really interested to hear your take on it. And I think it's an alignment with mine because even though I'm not in that situation, I grew up in a blended family. I'm the only kid from my mom and dad. And, and so my mom added a boy and a girl, and then my dad had three boys. And so I went through, I was that kid that they were probably having this worry about.
00:14:58.360Yeah. And so you were the, um, yeah, I was the problem for sure. But that's the thing is like, um, what stood out the most is how he said, I know it's not the typical blended family situation. Dude, there's no typical, any family situation. And I think that's, I think we all get hung up on what it's supposed to look like, right? Like everybody wants it to be like, leave it to beaver or something like that. That's like this perfect family scenario.
00:15:28.360Can I really add something really quick? Because I think this is a real, really profound statement. When you hold on to unmet expectations, and that's what this is, this is the expectation of what it should look like. Then what we do is we say, well, it shouldn't be this way. So now I, I, I, it, my decision is what walk away. No, the decision is, so what are you going to do about it?
00:15:56.360How are you going to show up powerfully regardless? Because guess what? It is what it is. And, and I, and I trust me, blended families are tough. There is an element of tough. And the biggest element is that it's to be frank, it's your kids just don't respect you as much. That that's the toughest part.
00:16:15.540But they're not going to love mom. They're not going to love mom as much as they would their, their biological mom. And they're not going to love dad as much as they love their biological dad. That is reality. And I feel passionately about that. And it's okay.
00:16:30.960So the question then is what are you going to do about it and how do you mitigate it and still show up powerfully, but let go of the way it should or should not be. You're going to wrap your head and, and be running around as a victim of it shouldn't be this way. Well, guess what? You're in a relationship. It is this way. So now, you know, deal. Sorry, Sean, go ahead.
00:16:52.280No, I mean, that, that is where I was headed. It's, there's no typical anything. And so you just have to do the best you can do. And I was going to say what you said, Kit, that your focus, it does sound like his daughter is more important to him than the woman that he's with by what he's saying. And I mean, to me, that's more of a red flag than how do I make it work perfectly? Right? If, if you find somebody,
00:17:22.280that you want to make that priority, then I think that's a big indicator, but if you find somebody that you want to keep your daughter, that priority with, that may not be the right woman. Right? I mean, I'm not really the one to say either way, but just in the way that you worded it, that's how it felt to me.
00:17:45.140Um, so I think Kip's right though, any relationship, a mistake that parents make, and this is if you're together or not, is, is like Kip said, putting the kids first. And when they know that, then they, they manipulate those relationships, you know, they, they use it to their advantage.
00:18:07.100And especially, and I mean, it happens in a family that lives under the same roof, but especially when they're under different roofs. And I saw this happen because my, my mom went through a few marriages and, and my brother and sister there.
00:18:23.860I watched them manipulate my mom and their dad and my stepdad, when my mom got remarried again. And I, from the outside looking in, watch them manipulate those situations because they knew that my mom kind of put them as the priority. And, uh, you just don't want to be caught in that situation.
00:18:47.860Now, is it possible, right? That your current partner, um, cause here I am saying, Hey, put your partner first. Right. And then your partner might be like, I don't give a crap about your, your daughter. Right. It's about my kid. Well, is that a partner you want to be with? Right. And so it's not as black and white as I probably said it was right. You guys need to have some alignment, but if you're out of alignment, then that's not the right, the right person.
00:19:14.980And, and, and what you might be falling into a little bit here. And I'm going to project a little bit on single moms that get remarried. They have been conditioned to believe that they could leave, take their kids, find a new guy and everything's going to be like normal. Right. And I'll just plug and play Sean into my marriage and, and it's just fine. Right. And I get, I get my picket white picket fence and everything's going to be normal.
00:19:44.960And I just have a new dad. It's not, it's not, that's not how it works. Dad is never out of the picture, by the way, he's in the picture. And that kid, you don't, you don't think those kids will eventually be like dad's in the picture, whether he's around or not. He has an active role in their identity. And to be frank, he should be.
00:20:04.960And so you and your spouse, you guys need to get on the same page of the importance of mom and dads, biological mom and dads, and the importance that they both bring to the table.
00:20:17.360So now let's segue into the different scene of parenting styles. I used to believe that Asia and I, my wife had to parent the same, that we had to be exactly the same. And the reality of it is we're not the same.
00:20:32.560I bring a more stern, more of a structured approach, discipline to the table. And she brings more empathy, love, and compassion. I think it's fine the way it is.
00:20:46.340She should bring that more feminine traits to our children. And I need to bring the more stern, more of the structured approach to our children. And I shouldn't undermine her and she shouldn't undermine me.
00:21:02.880But to think that we're always going to be exactly the same is silly. And I don't think it was intended to be that way. I think kids need both of that, but we got to be careful not to undermine each other, right?
00:21:14.840If dad says, hey, you got to clean your room before you can play, mom can undermine him, go, oh, don't worry about it. Let me undermine dad and ruin that authority and that trust and his role in the relationship and let you do whatever you want, right?
00:21:32.600And dad shouldn't be doing something that undermines mom. But we have unique talents and ways of being as males and females that let's embrace the differences and then let's work together for what's best for our kids.
00:21:47.540I feel that my separate parenting styles with Asia has nothing to do with our blended family, has everything to do with the fact that she's a female and I'm a male.
00:21:59.240That's really what it's rooted in. What are your thoughts, Sean, on this? Like, are you guys the same way? Do you see that same?
00:22:06.600I mean, I'm 100% in alignment with that. I mean, everything you're saying, I'm like, yeah, that's exactly what I would have said. It's the same.
00:22:15.720And so I think the point is just stop getting caught up in it being a blended family and just start parenting like you would with any partner, knowing that you're going to have different ways that you go about it.
00:22:31.140My wife and I are very different in how we parent, but we talk about it all the time, you know, and so we definitely there's things we're on the same page with.
00:22:39.620So we don't get manipulated like I was talking about by our kids, but it's, it's never going to be exactly the same.
00:22:48.380Yeah. And you're going to screw up and then you're going to have to pivot and adjust and learn and everything else.
00:22:53.480One thing, let me add this one thing to the conversation.
00:22:57.700If you don't mind, when you have a blended family, you're going to find opportunities where your spouse is going to want to choose the kid over you.
00:23:08.440When that happens, it's be careful not to perpetuate that thought process.
00:24:48.100And it is because we're not clarifying the priority.
00:24:52.020And we've got to make sure that our spouses are the priority and we're aligned with how we're going to raise our children and show up powerfully.
00:24:59.020In fact, anything else, Sean, that you would add to that dynamic of discussion?
00:25:02.060No. And the whole reason for all of it is because we're saying this, but didn't really kind of elaborate the reason.
00:25:10.980Because that's what your kids need to see.
00:25:13.920They need to see that healthy relationship if you expect them to ever be in a healthy relationship.
00:25:20.020Because our goal isn't for us to be there for them their whole lives.
00:25:24.400Our goal is to make them independent of us.
00:25:27.480And so they need to know what a healthy relationship is and looks like if we expect them to have the best chance at that in their adult lives.
00:25:38.360And if it helps you, like, think about your spouse as your daughter, right?
00:25:42.640What kind of man do you want her marrying?
00:25:44.560One that puts his other kid a priority over her?
00:25:47.200Like, you know, work through it and try to be self-aware in regards to how we might be showing up as parents.
00:25:52.600All right. Robert Frags, when life becomes challenging as a leader, what are some things that you guys do to stay calibrated for life's tougher challenges?
00:26:09.140And the overwhelming thought I had is leadership is never not challenging.
00:26:17.600And so the only way you're not going to get those challenges is if you just don't take on the role as a leader.
00:26:24.020And so, you know, when he when he said the more challenging things, it's nothing prepares you for the most challenging things or the more challenging things.
00:26:38.160Those things challenging things other than doing challenging things.
00:26:42.640And that's how you learn and that's how you take on leadership roles.
00:26:45.640That's how you excel and grow and learn and become better.
00:26:55.380And so all taking leadership responsibility does is it gets you a little further ahead of the curve because you tend to be in more conversation and have more experiences that equip you with being able to make better decisions.
00:27:13.160When the really challenging things happen, you know, and so the only thing you can really do to prepare is is to keep taking on those leadership roles and doing the best to your capacity along the way, finding good mentors, you know, that you can model after and bounce things off of and and get help from, you know, and just continue to do your best.
00:27:43.160That was my that was my that was my from the hip thought on that when I saw it.
00:27:47.800There's two things that that have helped me.
00:27:50.920The first is I evaluate the current circumstance and where I want to go and is the current struggle and toughness really that tough.
00:28:26.360If I can't pull this thing off, if I can't like succeed in a company of 200 people, then I'm definitely not set up to succeed in a company of 500.
00:28:35.780So and I don't know why, but that down it kind of downplays my current and looks at it and helps me see it as a rep.
00:29:45.860What's the long term strategy and plan?
00:29:48.620And then the other thing that really helps me is and it sounds silly, but just prioritizing executing.
00:29:53.500I could it was funny like a year ago when I first got an executive assistant, it was really great.
00:30:02.080She says, Kip, I need to understand all the things that you're dealing with so I can help.
00:30:06.840We scheduled an hour meeting, ended up taking like two or three hours and I brain dumped all the things.
00:30:15.600Two or three hours it took me to dump all the things that I need to do that are just overwhelming my mind.
00:30:24.700And that's work, let alone I add family to it, right?
00:30:30.440And I throw houses into it and and projects that are around the house or just silly things like all the crap in the garage I need to clean up.
00:30:39.060And the fact that my my bike's expiration is expired and I want to get that done before winter.
00:30:43.920Like there's all these things and when I when I feel it all it's exhausting, I'm stressed and I life is tough, but when I just go hey, you know what I can't do it all.
00:30:57.600But what I can do is prioritize the top items and win on the top priorities.
00:31:04.820And now I know I'm making momentum and then I just reprioritize and then I just execute.
00:31:11.220So when when you feel overwhelmed like there's so much all that we can really do is identify the important items and and execute on them and and find value in that.
00:31:24.040Um, and I think it goes without saying, but balance is important here.
00:31:31.060Right, Sean, it's important right that you went to Fiji.
00:31:35.000It's important that you get your surfing in it's important that you get your workouts in.
00:31:40.220If if we're all in the weeds constantly as leaders and it's all about work, we're not setting ourselves up to win.
00:31:47.660We need that balance because sometimes it's not just about the effort and the work getting done.
00:32:18.460And I'm eroding relationships because I'm in a bad mood.
00:32:21.400Be careful, be mindful of how we're showing up.
00:32:24.820And sometimes that how is determined by the margin and the balance that we have in life.
00:32:30.400You know, and and like everything that we're talking about is still it's kind of like what we were talking about with the relationship stuff.
00:32:40.600We all have this expectation of what it's supposed to be like, where really when you take on and the more leadership you take on and the higher up the quote unquote ladder that you get in that.
00:32:54.660The more you become a juggler of crises, you know, or many crises, because it's because most people aren't good at managing their emotions and doing the things you're talking about, which is what you're talking about.
00:33:10.540Managing your emotion through it, where you're staying never too high, never too low.
00:33:14.720You have to manage being even keel through that.
00:33:18.240And so that's what you start to get better and better at.
00:33:27.840Most people, you know, or they react without thinking, you know, kind of ready, fire, aim.
00:33:33.560And so as they are going through crisis, the more experience you've had with doing the planning and knowing how to execute and knowing how to attack these issues.
00:33:47.580And like, I have a deep rooted thing in me where I don't even use the word problems.
00:33:58.480And so for me, my initial reaction to a crisis is, okay, that's how do I approach this challenge?
00:34:06.440You know, what needs to be done and I can do it with a level head.
00:34:11.600And so what you start to find is even the difficult challenges as they're happening to you, you, because you've gone through that process, Kip was talking about so many times.
00:34:22.980Because you really just attack them the same.
00:34:26.120You, you, you know, you assess and you go, you do that OODA loop, right?
00:34:30.340It's kind of that same thing every time.
00:34:33.340It's why they teach it in the military.
00:34:35.140And you do it quickly so you can learn, pivot and adjust constantly over and over.
00:34:39.020I really like that, Sean, that you brought that up.
00:34:41.760And, and I feel, I feel, here's the other thing about leadership.
00:35:38.580A lot of hardened expectations that we have on people is a form of command and control.
00:35:44.180We're seeing them as objects and we're seeing them as the way they should or should not be versus us dealing in reality and saying, what are the unique talents of my people?
00:35:55.580What are the unique challenges of those individuals and how do I serve and support them in their growth and their service of their job?
00:36:05.780And the answer to that is going to be different for every person.
00:36:10.260Man, we, I've seen this so many times where we'll pull up executive reports and it's so like, it seems to make sense, right?
00:36:18.900But if you pull up a report and go, all right, who's our lowest performers?
00:36:23.680And then we have the audacity to go, Oh, what's the one thing that we need to, what knob do we need to turn to get those 50 people to execute?
00:36:34.600We're talking about people and the answer is not a knob that affects all 50.
00:36:44.060The answer is in me going to that person and going, Chris, how do I support you in your role?
00:36:51.100Let me understand your challenges that you're experiencing.
00:36:54.760And it's unique to Chris a lot of the time.
00:36:57.600That's why decentralized command is so critical because you can't sit in an ivory tower as an executive and have control over hundreds of people.
00:37:37.500And that honestly is more advanced leadership, is understanding the personality types of the people that you're dealing with is what you're talking about so that you know how to communicate with them.
00:37:49.140Because all leadership is, is more precise communication.
00:37:53.800It's, it's, it's helping people to do more than they would have done themselves.
00:37:59.200And most of that is helping them understand how to use their abilities to perform.
00:38:05.260And so for us to be able to do that as leaders, we have to understand those abilities.
00:38:15.340I like it because there's an, hopefully you'll see the value of, of us grabbing this question.
00:38:20.060It's very specific by the way, which, which we don't get those as often, but the, but there's some lessons in this.
00:38:25.720Being a man of your word and honoring your obligations.
00:38:29.840I've been recruiting and hiring for a long time in my business.
00:38:33.000We have an ad pre-hire questions, telephone interviews, text confirmation, the week of, and about 50% or more of those people don't show up for the interviews on a monthly basis.
00:38:47.260So they have these preset processes that you need to do when you apply for a job, it comes to an interview and only about 50% of them show up.
00:38:55.360It's a lot of work on their part, just not to show up.
00:38:59.840What does it say about you men in our society to apply for a position and confirm you'll show up only not to show up the day of?
00:39:10.060Not sure if this is a good question or not for the podcast.
00:40:26.160They, most of them are, that's why every company, every business, every speaker, anybody in the personal development world, you're never going to hear from anybody who doesn't talk about the 20% rule.
00:40:38.600I mean, that's just, uh, uh, it's a, again, human nature thing, which the 20% rule, if you don't know it is that 20% of the people do 80% of the work.
00:40:50.600So what that means is 80% of the people are flaky.
00:41:00.800They don't, all of the things that we expect them to do when we're in a leadership position, again, having those false expectations.
00:41:07.620And so I'm not saying you have to, um, require less of people or even you shouldn't expect less of people, but don't expect them to perform, which sounds like the same thing, but they're two very different things, right?
00:41:26.680Having the expectation that somebody should perform and the expectation that they're absolutely going to are two totally different things.
00:41:45.240So you just keep doing, if you already feel like you're running and setting up those, I mean, if your follow-up is good, you have confirmation calls, emails, you know, different things in your system to, for them to respond to, to say, they're going to be there.
00:42:03.120And they still don't show, then that's all you can do.
00:42:45.460So I got disenfranchised and I checked out.
00:42:47.280Like there's a lot going on and so there's value in us from a leadership perspective to think through why don't people make and honor commitments?
00:43:13.840Like there's power in communication to help people level up and make sure that it's black and white when they're making a commitment or we communicate the importance of the actual commitment.
00:43:25.060Like there's lots of things, but understanding human behavior a little bit will certainly benefit us.
00:43:31.160So that way we're setting the right expectations up front.
00:43:44.120So you just need to compile those numbers and make sure that that's known throughout the company that, you know, that's what it is.
00:43:52.500And so they're going to have to continue to put resources in to fulfill their numbers.
00:43:58.040Now, Stephen, you might be like, man, we're doing a lot of work for a 50% fallout.
00:44:03.280So one thing that does come to mind is maybe in that initial process when you're doing the pre-hire questions, maybe one of the pre-hire questions is their commitment, right?
00:44:15.040Question number one, are you committed to asking these questions, doing a phone interview, and then having, you know, an in-place interview?
00:44:28.740And if you're not, then don't like stop now kind of thing.
00:44:32.720So, and I don't know if there is, but then maybe think through ways that we could flush them out sooner than later based upon the other things.
00:44:44.840So, or maybe they're not excited about the role, right?
00:44:48.940And you have 50% of people going, I'm not interested anymore because, you know, these guys are putting me to, this is not worth like all these things they're asking me to do as part of the recruiting process.
00:45:01.500And the job description didn't sound that great.
00:45:03.600The company doesn't really sound that great.
00:45:05.120So I'm not going to put in the effort necessary to win this job.
00:45:09.680I mean, there's power in you evaluating, taking some ownership there and going, hey, maybe I'm losing 50% because we're failing to communicate how awesome it is to work here and why they should be fighting to work here or not.
00:45:23.120So, you know, evaluate the process, see if there's maybe some areas that you guys can improve in that, from that perspective.
00:45:40.100But we're very, we're great communicators with each other.
00:45:45.160And so our date nights, like we've been, I've been wanting to schedule one for us, actually, matter of fact, the last three weeks, and we haven't been able to get one in, you know, but we went to Fiji and, you know, we've had these other things happening.
00:46:05.060But I will tell you, until you're strong in your communication about it, and talking about it, and knowing from each other that the intention is there, and, you know, life may just be happening.
00:46:17.020If you're not doing it, I think it's important for couples, especially that are very focused in their jobs and in their kids that aren't good at getting date nights done.
00:46:32.980I think for them, I think for them, it's important to set in their schedule, the beginning of the month, whether it's weekly, or even beginning of the month, having things set in stone on your schedule that you treat like your most important client or, you know, appointment or whatever it may be in your business or whatever your focus has been on.
00:46:54.220To get to the point where your communication is higher, and you're doing those things, then I think you do need to set it in stone.
00:47:03.880And so I think it depends on your dynamic and where you land and how good you are at the communication of those things.
00:47:12.540But, yeah, even though we're not now, when we first started, we used to set in stone at kind of the beginning of the month, at least one or two.
00:47:24.720And then once a quarter, we would set in, we would write in mini honeymoons that we would do, you know, and get off on these little getaways, just the two of us, you know, after we had kids and do that as well and add that to the mix.
00:47:38.000So it's very important, but I don't think, and here's why the challenge that comes with having a set date night is inevitably, there's someone's going to get mad when it doesn't happen.
00:47:53.780You know, as life happens and things come up, that may be side swipe the date night.
00:47:59.660Inevitably, I've seen that happen more often than not, where someone gets upset.
00:48:04.300Okay, now, if you schedule it in somewhere and you set it in stone, then it's your job to do everything in your power to make sure that it happens, you know, and so that isn't an issue.
00:48:18.240But if you do set it every week, you know, especially as you have kids and other things, depending on how full your schedule is, that can be an unrealistic expectation to ensure that that happens every week at the same time at the, you know, whatever it is.
00:48:35.640And so you have to have to be able to roll with the punches.
00:48:40.160For us, I know we'd be better off if we did.
00:48:43.040Like when we, when we are making, because it slips away, Kip, is that because, yeah, yeah.
00:48:47.760Because before you know it, all of a sudden three months has gone by or something.
00:48:51.220And we're out of alignment or we're not discussing things that we should be discussing and et cetera.
00:48:56.840And, and so the only thing I know without a doubt would be better off if we did when we don't.
00:49:01.800As an example of what this could look like, when we were training for like a half marathon last year, we ran almost every day together.
00:49:13.380Those were probably, our relationship was in a much better place when we were running because we're talking about what's on our minds and what our concerns are and how stressful our day was and what are we going to do about this?
00:49:29.360And we were learning about each other and understanding each other better.
00:50:20.900Last question, Bob Ross, gentlemen, what type of strategies do you employ when faced with a large life stressors to calm and level-headed and not stress or emotion state control and not let stress or emotion state control?
00:50:36.620So what are you, can you start over again?
00:50:40.700Yeah, strategies when you're faced with life stressors, how are you staying calm and level-headed and not allowing emotion or the stress state control of things?
00:50:54.460I'm, I'm really good at this as far as staying level-headed.
00:51:02.300That action part though, is what's difficult to me sometimes.
00:51:07.680Um, and what I mean by that is like the stress gets me to maybe detract from what I know I need to do sometime.
00:51:20.000You know, that's like a personality trait of mine.
00:51:22.620And, and, and so I will do other things to make me feel good about quote unquote, getting things done instead of placing that as a priority sometime.
00:51:47.020Um, but that's the reason I bring it up is because, you know, that's not good either.
00:51:54.060So just because you have a level head doesn't mean you're necessarily doing the right things, you know?
00:52:00.100So I just want to throw that out there before I go into answering this.
00:52:03.420And as far as how you keep a level head, it's, I think we've already addressed it in the prior questions.
00:52:11.000When we talked about kind of managing crisis, right?
00:52:14.760It's, it's from experience and, and mentors help a ton with this.
00:52:23.720Having somebody you could go to, to talk through things with, um, to ask about if it's something that's really stressful.
00:52:32.260Um, I think it's important that we have somebody to vent to and to bounce ideas off of and how we're going to approach it.
00:52:40.620And I think that's where a lot of people fail.
00:52:42.560If you find yourself getting emotionally controlled by difficult situations, um, then that's an issue that you have with your emotions that you need to find a way to put in check.
00:52:56.940Um, and you're not going to do it on your own.
00:52:59.340And so, you know, it's, it's, you're going to need help and you're going to need to bounce it off of people.
00:53:04.220And then through that process, you need to put systems in place, which we talked about as well, that help you attack those issues and attack those challenges.
00:53:17.200And, and, you know, that's going to be different for everybody, depending on your, your personality type as well.
00:53:25.040And so for me, it's more, it said, assess the situation, assess the importance of it or the, the magnitude of it.
00:53:34.180And then, um, you know, assess how it's kind of Covey's thing.
00:53:41.120I think when I think of how do you attack, yeah, I think the seven habits of highly effective people, he has one of the best systems in place for, um, analyzing.
00:53:53.980You know, what's the most important and what you should prioritize.
00:53:59.160Um, and then, you know, from there, uh, just start taking steps to, to handle the challenge.
00:54:08.920Um, you know, and, and so it's, um, and then I mentioned when I said, all you can do is all you can do.
00:54:17.240I think that's the hard, because when we're talking stressful things, we could be talking work.
00:54:23.320We could also be talking about dealing with a family member who has stage four cancer, you know?
00:54:28.480And so like the level of, of importance and, you know, unimportant, we could like have a child that, you know, is in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.
00:54:38.340And we find out at our job and we're, you know, 30 miles from the hospital, they're on their way to, and, you know, you being emotional can get you in a car accident on the way to there, you know, or whatever it is.
00:54:51.780And so you have to be able to assess, calm yourself down, just drive, or even better yet, if you're really smart, you ask somebody to drive you there.
00:55:03.480And so it's like those assessments, right?
00:55:05.820There's, there's so many scales we can go from, but I think the important part is taking that step back.
00:55:12.780If you have somebody you can bounce it off of, use them, you know, and, and have them help you in that decision making and, and then start taking whatever action you've assessed that you need to do.
00:55:30.920I think the number one mistake people make though, is they take no action.