Order of Man - Solving Your Own Problems, Avoiding Distractions, and Learning to Like Yourself ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.420 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.220 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.780 you can call yourself a man. Mr. Kip, what's up, man? Good to see you again. Good to see you.

00:00:28.120 So, why are you wearing a curb rent today? I try to flatten it, and then it just keeps

00:00:34.800 going curved, don't you? Yeah, it keeps going curved on me. Yeah, man. I had a good Christmas.

00:00:39.180 It was good. Stuck around here. Got some good presents. Gave some good presents. All was

00:00:44.580 well. How about you guys? Same. Same. I love Christmas at home, so I wouldn't have it any

00:00:49.840 other way. So, we laid low. Took it easy. It was fun. Nice. Yeah, it was a good Christmas.

00:00:56.060 Cool, man. And we were talking about this before we hit record. We've got some pretty

00:01:01.400 good questions, some high-caliber questions today to go through. So, I think Iron Council

00:01:05.840 members have infiltrated the Facebook group. Yeah. I'm not sure what's happening. And don't

00:01:12.640 take it personal, Facebook, guys. I mean, we kind of rag on you guys, and we wouldn't if

00:01:16.860 you joined the Iron Council. But since you're still on Facebook, our default behavior is your

00:01:22.320 questions typically aren't as good. And this morning, these questions are great. Yeah. All

00:01:28.740 but the, how do you eat soup with a big mustache? Other than that, all the questions were solid.

00:01:34.720 Hey, I got to be honest. As a guy with a stache, and I've had it for years now,

00:01:38.920 that's a legitimate question, dude. That's a legitimate question. Yeah. So, I mean, we all have

00:01:44.120 major problems in life. Some of them are marriages falling apart. Others are eating soup with

00:01:48.740 mustaches, so. Or ice cream, or chili dogs, or any number of things that I no longer eat in public.

00:01:56.180 Eggs, runny yolk eggs. These are things that I just don't eat in public. Just don't go for it. Yeah.

00:02:01.460 That's funny. All right, man. Let's get into some questions today. Yeah. Let's do it.

00:02:07.120 But are you just trying to get past our intro banter? Did you just do that?

00:02:12.560 Yeah. Well, what is there to talk about? We went through the hat. We made fun of the Facebook guys.

00:02:18.740 We talked about beards. No jiu-jitsu. I mean, I think we, oh, that's right. We didn't do jiu-jitsu.

00:02:23.700 Oh, speaking of jiu-jitsu, since we're talking about it, jiu-jitsu shut down here for me for a

00:02:30.620 couple of weeks, unfortunately. Oh, so if Ryan's angry and more frustrated sounding on the podcast,

00:02:37.760 you guys know why. That's why. Well, I just, I still do jiu-jitsu. I just take it out on my kids

00:02:42.200 instead of grown adults. Yeah. Grown men. You're like, and for whatever reason,

00:02:46.820 I've gotten so much better recently. Yeah. I'm so good at jiu-jitsu. That is actually an

00:02:52.580 interesting thing because you roll around with your kids or whatever, and then you're like,

00:02:55.660 oh, that worked. And then you go to do it on somebody else and you're like, oh, that doesn't

00:02:59.220 work, actually. Totally. That's the, that's the old Epictetus quote. I think it was Epictetus who

00:03:07.540 said, we don't, or maybe it was somebody else, but regardless, Archie Locus, it was, he said,

00:03:13.120 we don't rise to the level of our expectations. We fall to the level of our training. And that's

00:03:19.600 exactly what a lot of, myself included, men deal with. We think that we're going to outperform,

00:03:24.120 that we're going to miraculously show up in circumstances that we have no right to believe

00:03:29.340 that we can perform under. And we set ourselves up for failure. So train, train, train, train as

00:03:35.160 much as you can, because our expectations aren't what, in reality, aren't as, as good as we have

00:03:42.180 them cracked up in our mind to be. Yeah. And the perfect example of that is every guy that goes,

00:03:46.980 oh, if someone attacked my family, oh, guaranteed, man, I'm going to rise through the occasion and I'm

00:03:52.600 going to defend them based upon what training, dude. Right. Or I'm going up against somebody

00:03:58.240 who's bigger and badder than you. Yeah. It's like, good luck. And we all think it, we all think like,

00:04:02.500 oh yeah, of course I defend my family. Not based upon your training, you're not. Yeah. You're going

00:04:07.420 to get your ass kicked is what's going to happen. Right. Agreed. So get training. All right. So we do 1.00

00:04:14.100 have three questions from the IC. So let's cover those first and then we'll jump into the Facebook group.

00:04:20.600 All right. So, uh, for new guys, you'll hear us mention iron council. I see to learn more,

00:04:25.920 go to order of man.com slash iron council. Um, Eric cure. I got the feeling from one of your

00:04:32.180 podcasts that politics could be in your future. Do you worry if you get on that wrong side of

00:04:37.940 things, you'll come after your work, the IC, and perhaps start a label as something bad.

00:04:43.520 Oh, I don't care. Come after my work, bring it on. Let's do it. Like I've never shied away from

00:04:47.920 my thoughts, my opinions, my perspectives, my beliefs for better or worse. So yeah. Label what

00:04:55.340 you want. I mean, quite frankly, the more attention that it gets anyways, the better it's going to do

00:04:59.980 probably work out. Yeah. Right. And if people notice, notice me standing my ground and standing

00:05:05.540 for what those same individuals believe in, they're only going to be drawn in more. The one thing you

00:05:11.040 won't find me doing is acquiescing to people who don't necessarily see it the same way I do.

00:05:16.820 Now, if I'm met with new information that exposes me to something I wasn't aware of,

00:05:20.380 that's different, but I'm not going to pander. I'm not going to waffle. Um, I'm not going to fall

00:05:24.860 prey to the cancel culture or any of this stuff. Bring it on. Let's do it. Like I have no problem

00:05:30.260 with that, which is the beauty of, of being able to work for yourself as well. Right. Because

00:05:34.700 exactly who is it going to affect the iron council? You know, it's like,

00:05:38.600 that might even help the iron council in that circumstance. Well, I taught, I mean,

00:05:41.780 I talk about religion. Most of you guys know I'm religious. I'm Christian. All you guys know that

00:05:46.040 I'm conservative in my beliefs. That's not to say that those who are more liberal in their

00:05:49.620 viewpoints, political beliefs, don't listen in, don't tune in, don't find value from what we do,

00:05:53.660 but I'm not going to change who I am or what I think just because somebody may feel uncomfortable

00:05:57.540 with it. So if somebody is listening and doesn't see things the same way I do, that's fine.

00:06:02.960 There's plenty of guys that, that debate with me, that, uh, argue not in a, not in a negative way,

00:06:08.200 but Hey, this is how I see it. Or I don't agree on this. Cool. Now, if you're going to be a dickhead

00:06:13.620 about it or an a-hole, then yeah, that's different. But if you want to have a mutual, 0.97

00:06:17.120 uh, discussion among two grown, mature men who don't see eye to eye, I'm all for it. But yeah.

00:06:25.980 Uh, yeah. I mean, there's plenty of people who tune in and listen to what we're doing,

00:06:28.860 who don't see it exactly the way I see it. And that as it should be like, what if all of us

00:06:33.980 agreed on everything a hundred percent, that would be very strange, very boring,

00:06:38.560 and it wouldn't allow for any growth or progression in our life. So yeah, you have to have some of that

00:06:43.560 pushback. And the example that, that, that you're giving in regards to worrying about what people

00:06:52.040 think and everything that's, that's society today, right? Like we are so set on coddling to everybody

00:06:57.600 and making sure that no one is offended. That's, that's what you're seeing in the next generation

00:07:02.860 is the, the coddling of their feelings. And, and anyone listening, you tell us how that's going

00:07:09.160 is if that's working out well or not. Right. And my favorite is when guys in the Facebook group,

00:07:14.100 they'll announce that they're leaving. Oh, I don't like this. Cause I'm leaving. It's like,

00:07:17.340 okay, well, I wish you the best genuinely. Like I want you to thrive. I want you to be good,

00:07:22.160 but I don't care if you leave. I don't, I'd really don't. And people say, well, how can you

00:07:27.980 say that? Like, those are people who could potentially buy your thing or your products

00:07:30.980 or your services. There's plenty of people that will do that. In fact, more people will do that

00:07:36.500 because I stand strong and firm in my convictions. Popular culture has led us to believe that we need

00:07:41.660 to make everybody feel comfortable. In fact, I don't, my job is not to make anybody feel

00:07:46.420 comfortable. My job is to share my perspective, what I believe about how the world works, what I think

00:07:52.100 will serve myself and you guys and your families and your communities. Well, and if you're on

00:07:56.980 board, cool. If you're not cool, but I don't care. I really don't. Yeah. I care. I care that men 0.96

00:08:03.520 thrive, but I don't care if you aren't comfortable here. That's not my goal. Yeah. What's at the center

00:08:09.400 of that mindset though? Like, have you gotten, and have you always saw it this way or have you gotten

00:08:14.500 to the point of disconnecting being light and by a mass amount of people and you've made the,

00:08:22.640 the break between your self value? Do you get what I'm saying? Like, have you always felt this way?

00:08:28.880 And where's that coming from? No, I've, I, in fact, for most of my life, I haven't felt that way.

00:08:33.660 I've, I, one of the traps that I fall prey to is wanting to seek the approval of others,

00:08:38.740 wanting to be liked, wanting to be validated. That comes from a lot of insecurity that I've

00:08:43.980 had growing up. Some of that was due to external circumstances and some of it might just be my

00:08:48.400 personality. So this is something that I have to rail against. I have to fight hard against,

00:08:54.080 but I'll tell you what, the more that I worry about liking myself, the less I care about others

00:08:59.140 liking me, which is actually ironic because the less I care about people liking me, the more that

00:09:04.360 people like me, but the less it actually matters because I like myself. And that's the most important

00:09:10.480 thing you can do. And, and would you say, and making sure that the mission that you're focused

00:09:16.140 on is, is on the forefront of your mind, not necessarily like, I doubt that you are engaged

00:09:23.040 in order of man on your council because it makes you feel good, but it's more about the mission and

00:09:30.380 what you're trying to accomplish. And a by-product of that is you feeling fulfilled.

00:09:34.360 Yes. Yes. I think so. And also it does make me feel good actually. Yeah. It, it, it does make

00:09:43.460 me feel good to put information out into the world that has served me well. And I think will serve

00:09:48.200 other people. So, you know, we've, we've got a lot of guys running around who's who, who believe that

00:09:53.440 they shouldn't experience any sort of feelings or intuition or it's no, you should, it just shouldn't

00:10:00.240 dictate every course of your life, but it's certainly a metric that you should consider.

00:10:05.400 So I think just honoring yourself will produce massive results in your life. I, if I honor my

00:10:16.140 word, if I uphold my commitments, if I refrain from activities that I know I don't want to be doing,

00:10:24.300 if I exercise grit or discipline or determination, all of that makes me feel good, but it also equips

00:10:33.000 me with what I need to feel proud about who I am and everything else is just a manifestation of that.

00:10:40.360 Like I could not lead this organization. If I didn't feel good about who I was, not only would I not feel

00:10:45.340 comfortable doing it, everybody else would see right through it. So I think if we strip everything away,

00:10:51.400 strip the mission away, strip this away, strip external sources, strip validation, everything,

00:10:56.100 strip it all away. If you just focused on being a man that you liked, that you could look in the

00:11:04.220 mirror and say, I feel comfortable with that individual staring back at me in the mirror,

00:11:09.020 that you look at your body and you feel good about how it is, or at least you're on the path that

00:11:13.940 you're educating and putting information into your mind, that you're honoring your words, that you're

00:11:19.320 upholding your commitments. And you worried about that. Everything else would fall into place.

00:11:25.000 Your marriage would start to fall in line. The relationship you have with your kids would fall

00:11:28.420 in line. You'd make more money. You'd be able to say things that you wouldn't say otherwise,

00:11:32.780 because you're so worried about other circumstances. You'd, you'd start a business,

00:11:37.520 you'd get new clients. Everything would be better. If you learn to do the things that would validate

00:11:44.540 yourself, not looking for validation from other people. And what we're talking about is the

00:11:50.640 integrity gap, doing what you know you should be doing, honoring your word, anything else you would

00:11:57.720 add to kind of that? How do you honor yourself or be in a position where you, where you feel fulfilled?

00:12:04.220 You know, I think the only other thing I would add is knowing who you want to be. And we talked

00:12:08.820 about this, I think a couple of weeks ago, we talked about being lost on the mountain. Do you

00:12:12.120 remember that you and I talked about that? And the way you find yourself is finding yourself

00:12:17.660 relative to another point. So you, in order to find yourself, you have to have something you're

00:12:24.340 striving towards. So there's the planning process. Then there's the integrity gap, the commitment,

00:12:29.420 honoring your word, the factors that you just shared a second ago, but it starts with that's

00:12:34.100 where I want to go. Because without that, nothing else really matters.

00:12:38.320 Yeah. Yeah. No, I like that formula. You know what I mean? That we're kind of laying out. Let me run

00:12:44.560 this idea by you really quick and we can move on to the next question. But I, this is something

00:12:48.840 that's been on my mind a lot of late where, and I'm going to paraphrase it and want to see if you agree

00:12:56.600 with this concept. If there's an area of my life in which I am altering what I do and I'm,

00:13:05.480 and it's a result of someone else, it's because I'm out of integrity and I'm looking for justification

00:13:12.600 of my action and blaming someone. Maybe, maybe in a lot of circumstances, I would say that's right.

00:13:21.840 But I also know that there's exceptions, exceptions to that. So it might be a legit, like this, I'm

00:13:27.700 actually being affected by this person, whether I'm blaming them or not. But, but should that change

00:13:32.000 my actions though? Actually, yes. In certain circumstances, it should. So I'll give you an

00:13:37.960 example. I'm going to consult with my wife on certain parts of my business and certain parts

00:13:45.100 of my life. And I might see it one way and she might see it another way, but I care about her.

00:13:52.940 I care about what she thinks of me. I care about the influence and authority and credibility I have

00:13:58.820 with her. And so I take that into consideration. And if she shares something with me that maybe I

00:14:04.280 didn't see before, or didn't have that perspective with my wife, I'm going to take that into

00:14:10.260 consideration. And I'm going to apply that to varying degrees based on what I think is right

00:14:14.720 in my own personal life, in order to foster a deeper connection between us, in order to build

00:14:22.900 influence and authority and credibility, because I want her to feel good about who I am. I want her

00:14:28.720 to, to validate me because that gives me that authority that we're talking about.

00:14:34.700 It's the same thing with, I had a conversation with my friend, Pete Roberts, the founder of origin

00:14:39.240 just yesterday. And I was going to make a decision and I called him up. I said, Hey, I've got a question

00:14:43.980 about this. And he gave me some insight. I didn't consider. And I took that into consideration and

00:14:49.560 actually altered the course that I was going to go because he's somebody I value. He's somebody I

00:14:54.540 respect. So yeah, I think, I think outside influence should be a factor. Yeah. Not the

00:15:01.100 only factor, but a factor. And you have to ask yourself, are these credible people? Do they want

00:15:05.240 what's in your best interest? Are they knowledgeable? And then you make your decisions based on that.

00:15:09.420 Yeah. I think one, one distinction would be if there's a level of blaming happening,

00:15:14.860 that's different, right? Where you're like, Oh, well I'm doing this because Ryan's this way. And now

00:15:21.360 I'm altering the way I think things should be done because of him. And I'm pushing that blame back

00:15:25.860 on you, not considering understanding and implementing based upon your feedback.

00:15:31.420 Well, and let's go back to that scenario with Pete. So he gives me this advice and,

00:15:35.780 and let's say I implement it and it works out or it doesn't, let's say it doesn't work out.

00:15:40.080 Yeah. I don't have the right to go back and say, Hey, see your advice didn't work. Like,

00:15:44.900 so that's your fault that it didn't pan out. No, I'm, I'm an, I'm a sovereign man. Like I was

00:15:50.060 looking to you for input. And then I, as my own man have to make my own decision for you. Yeah.

00:15:56.420 Yeah. Right. So I'm not shirking any sort of responsibility or accountability for my own

00:16:04.340 decisions. I'm just gathering feedback and input. And then I have to make my own decision. And then

00:16:10.380 it's the old adage, you know, you may, you sleep in the bed, you make right. Or, or however it goes,

00:16:15.300 right. That that's what I'm saying. Like I made that decision. Yes. That was input that you gave

00:16:19.820 me, but I still made that decision and I have to lie in that bed. Yeah. Got it. That's fun. I like

00:16:26.220 it. All right. Corey Kress, Kip and Ryan, what are your, uh, what are you gents doing to be ready for

00:16:34.180 whatever the next six months throws at us in an uncertain world? What are a few things financial

00:16:39.400 in the homestead you are doing to stay ahead of the curve strength and honor? Yeah. Um, we did,

00:16:46.000 I did a Friday field notes and maybe Kip, I don't know if you have your phone in front. Maybe you can

00:16:51.160 take a peek at it while I give some, some advice and see if you can find it. It was, it was a couple

00:16:54.640 of months ago. Um, yeah, but a couple of things right off, right off the top of my mind is I put

00:17:01.980 some cash in our, uh, our safe. So I pulled out some cash and I have it in our safe. So that's

00:17:09.000 important. Um, I've built, I've stocked up on provisions. These are things by the way, that I'm

00:17:14.080 not doing just because of the current economic climate or because of the political landscape.

00:17:18.880 These are things that I've always been doing, but I've just magnified it. Uh, we've really got

00:17:24.520 aggressive in paying off our debt. Some people say that's dumb because if the world's going to

00:17:28.340 collapse, like debt doesn't matter. I don't think the world's going to collapse. And I don't 0.86

00:17:31.820 think it's all going to come crashing down in the next 30 days.

00:17:34.540 Well, and you don't want to be, is that out of integrity a little bit? Like if you owe

00:17:38.840 someone something like, yeah, like honor your word and your commitment. It doesn't matter

00:17:43.860 if the world's falling down. Yeah, of course. Uh, so yeah. So building up food storage, water,

00:17:50.860 uh, ammunition, and then there's training, right? So there's martial arts. There's me and my

00:17:56.040 two oldest boys, uh, have been shooting the guns and doing martial arts and, and

00:18:01.600 me and my oldest have spent a lot of time in the gym over the past several weeks.

00:18:05.060 So there's that, uh, making sure that we have emergency plans in place that if we're all

00:18:10.120 here, what do we do in this case? What do we do in that case? Uh, if we're separate,

00:18:15.240 what, what do we do if we're separate and how do I get home or how do you get to where you

00:18:18.740 are? Do you stay put? So working through those scenarios, uh, home security is something

00:18:23.640 that we've revamped. We did a podcast on home security probably six months or so ago.

00:18:28.140 Uh, so we're, we've got, we've got a home security system in place. We've got layers

00:18:32.940 of protection. We all have the plans and the processes, and we know what they are.

00:18:37.560 These are things that you should just be doing regardless. I love Baden, Baden, Lord Baden

00:18:44.540 Powell. He's the founder of the Boy Scouts, uh, quote, somebody once asked him, cause the

00:18:49.400 motto of Boy Scouts is be prepared. And somebody asked him, well, what, what should you be prepared

00:18:54.120 for? And he said anything. And that is the right answer. So your job is the leader and

00:19:00.960 the patriarch of your home is to consider possibilities and scenarios and situations

00:19:05.080 that you and your family may bump up against and start preparing for those things. And you know,

00:19:10.900 if it never happens, great. These are situations that we don't wish upon ourselves or our families,

00:19:16.820 but you'd rather be as the old adage goes, a warrior in the garden than a gardener in the war.

00:19:22.460 Yeah. And there's confidence that your kids will get from giving them these skills. And there's

00:19:29.200 just some natural by-product benefit, right? Like you were teaching your, your kids, you know,

00:19:35.020 making a fire recently. I think you had on your Instagram. It's like just a couple of days ago.

00:19:39.440 Yeah. That's just good value, valuable lessons and self-confidence. Like, well, I can do this right.

00:19:45.160 If in the event that I need to. And so not only that, I mean, that's beneficial of course. And I think

00:19:50.760 those are the immediate benefits that everybody sees, but also we spent time together laughing

00:19:55.920 and having fun and trying and failing and winning and succeeding. And we were just together. So

00:20:00.800 there's a lot of intangible benefits that come with working through this stuff together. If you

00:20:05.860 include your kids and your wife in the process and you actually make it fun, especially with kids,

00:20:11.420 gamify it, you know, how much money can you save? How much food can we set aside?

00:20:15.420 Or even organizing your, your, your pantry or your seller, whatever it is that you have and

00:20:21.400 getting them involved in the process and letting them see it grow and why it's important and teaching

00:20:26.600 my wife is really big into homesteading. So growing a garden and my son, my oldest son,

00:20:33.340 the other day, she gets, Trish gets this, uh, this magazine with all the seeds every year that you can

00:20:38.420 buy and different things. And my son was sitting down for breakfast and he grabbed it out and he started

00:20:44.000 circling all the seeds and different plants and things that he wanted. And she was so excited

00:20:48.520 about that because that's something they get to do together. And then she's got bees and we, 0.89

00:20:52.760 me and my boys, uh, grew a food plot. And like, so there's, there's just so much that you can do

00:20:59.420 and you can evolve them and it can be a wholesome family activity and also get you in a better position.

00:21:06.000 Should you have to use a garden or your home security system or your emergency plans or whatever it is

00:21:12.800 that you put in place? Yeah, totally. And, and from our perspective, like that's why Asia and I are

00:21:18.240 doing, we finished our EMT training. Yes, exactly. How often do I need that? Like, but, but we thought,

00:21:25.280 man, you know what, not only are we going to finish our EMT training, we're going to volunteer on a

00:21:28.840 regular basis. So we keep our skills up. And then I'm having a paramedic bag in my house.

00:21:34.320 I have my BVM. I, I, I have all the proper equipment in the event tourniquets, everything else.

00:21:39.940 Right. So then that way we're in a position to actually, you know, I stopped myself from bleeding

00:21:45.220 out after my wife stabs me after a fight or, you know, whatever. So. Exactly. Yeah. So on that note,

00:21:54.080 you know, you, you've said that your wife doesn't listen to the podcast, I think. And I don't think

00:21:58.800 she does. Right. Well, let me let you in on a little secret here. Oh, so no, no, no, no.

00:22:06.140 Wow. Uh, I didn't, I've said that my wife doesn't listen to the podcast either.

00:22:11.140 So I woke up the other morning and my wife was getting ready for the day. And I, you know,

00:22:14.540 walked in there and, uh, she had the podcast on and she's like, I have a confession. And I'm like,

00:22:21.860 what is it? And she's like, I actually listened to your podcast occasionally. I was like, Oh man,

00:22:26.920 I gotta be careful with what I say. Now I actually got to tell the truth. Now, if she's going to be there,

00:22:31.240 to cooperate and set me straight, if I happen to stretch something a little bit further than it

00:22:36.780 needs to be. Yeah. That's funny. That's funny. Well, here's another funny part is I was in a team

00:22:44.160 meeting with some of my employees last week and someone goes, Oh, it's like what you said on the

00:22:49.280 last AMA. And someone made a reference. I'm like, really? And I didn't say anything. I was like, yeah,

00:22:54.380 good point. I just moved on past it. And I thought my employees are listening to this.

00:22:58.440 Yeah. You know, it's cool. You know, it's good. It's a, I call them shadow listeners or shadow

00:23:05.440 followers and you have them for, it seems to me that the equation is somewhere between probably

00:23:10.680 10 to 20% of the people who actually are listening and following along actually respond and engage.

00:23:18.360 So that means there's 80 to 90% of the people who are listening, they're listening, but they're not

00:23:23.380 engaging. And then all of a sudden somebody will say something. Oh, it's like you said on that podcast,

00:23:27.860 and you're like, wait, I didn't even know. It's like, Oh yeah. I listen all the time.

00:23:31.800 They're listening. Same thing with your kids. Kids is the same thing. You know, your kids will say

00:23:36.600 something one day and you're like positive or negatively, you know exactly where they got it

00:23:42.140 from. And you realize, Oh, they are listening. Even when you don't think they are.

00:23:47.720 Yeah. And they use that stuff against you. 0.76

00:23:49.600 Oh yeah. They're not against you, but you know what I mean?

00:23:51.620 No, I get no totally against you.

00:23:53.120 Why are you mad, honey? Oh, cause I choose to be dad. You're like, yeah, okay. Got it.

00:23:57.360 No, they use it in the right context, but let's make no qualms about it. They are manipulative

00:24:02.480 little creatures and they totally and completely use it against you to get what they want. Let's

00:24:07.820 be really truthful about that.

00:24:09.340 Yeah. Yeah. They're a little, um, they're experts at doing that. So the Friday field note that you're

00:24:14.740 talking about where you, it's, it wasn't fourth and 10, you're thinking elevate your problems.

00:24:19.340 No, it was way before that actually. So even fourth and 10, um, yeah, it was more tactical

00:24:27.620 than fourth and 10. Um, I'll, I'll go back and look for it, but let's move on to the next question.

00:24:33.220 And maybe in the meantime, I can, I can track it down. Sorry. You failed. I know. I was like,

00:24:40.320 it's like, it's a Friday field notes. Um, it wasn't that long ago. It was, uh, I don't know.

00:24:48.780 Let's, let's move on. I'll see if I can find it. Race for impact. Yeah. I think that's what,

00:24:53.320 yes, I think that's right. I think that's what it was. Yeah. Brace for impact Friday field notes

00:24:57.920 roughly about three months ago. Oh, three months. Okay. So time. Yeah. The date was, uh, September

00:25:03.280 4th. Yeah. I think that's the one. And, and I go through, yeah, eight point plan to ensure you and

00:25:09.740 the people you love thrive during civil unrest in these times. So I think that'll be valuable

00:25:13.580 September 4th. Brace for impact. Cool. All right. Tyler Preston, my fiance, Crystal Kestrel

00:25:21.480 and I engaged this November have been planning to marry at her family's home in Seattle and then

00:25:27.620 moved to Texas this coming July. We have stopped fornicating. I don't mean to giggle. I just, I don't

00:25:33.580 know. I'm immature. So sorry, Tyler. So we have stopped fornicating and are committed to not living

00:25:38.240 together until we are married due to our religious convictions, which is like actually perfect. Um,

00:25:43.920 I agree. We are going, uh, we are growing weary of the lockdown and the leftists here in Portland,

00:25:50.480 Oregon. We both work at Amazon. The hours are long and demanding. The pay is low. 30% of our money

00:25:56.600 evaporates due to taxes and the rest we throw away on our exorbitant Portland rent payments.

00:26:03.040 We are starting to wonder why should we go through this another six months of this just for one day

00:26:09.700 of a wedding. And we are now considering eloping and moving to Texas in the next couple of weeks.

00:26:15.940 Uh, we have around 3000 to work with for the move wedding and everything. If we move quickly,

00:26:22.620 are we crazy or should we just go for it? Uh, I don't think you're crazy. In fact, that's would

00:26:30.240 be pretty enticing for me too. Like, what are you waiting for? You know, you're going to get married.

00:26:34.320 It's funny to me when I hear these people are like, Oh yeah, I'm engaged. I'm like, cool. When

00:26:37.980 are you getting married? In two years? The hell are you waiting for? It's like, just go get married.

00:26:45.980 Like, you know, if you already asked her and you're committed and she's committed and you feel like

00:26:49.700 you're on the same path. Look, I know there's some circumstances. I'll give you one circumstance

00:26:54.160 might be schooling, right? So let's say you're in college and you know, you want to wait to get

00:27:00.340 married until you guys are done with your schooling. Uh, or maybe you're paying off debt

00:27:04.540 and she's paying off debt and you want to, I get that there's circumstances, but there's not too

00:27:09.580 many where you would wait years before you get married. It's like, just commit already. So I don't

00:27:15.220 know, like eloping. I don't know if I would do that either. Cause I'd want to involve my family

00:27:18.720 and the people that I care about and love, but I would very seriously consider bumping

00:27:23.640 it. Yeah. Maybe full court press it and do both. Yeah. Yeah. Just get going. That's what I like.

00:27:30.560 You know, you don't want to be there. It sounds like both of you are dissatisfied. Sounds like

00:27:34.080 you're not happy with the landscape and the climate and the work situation and the finances

00:27:38.220 and that Texas will provide more opportunities. You've made a decision based on your own personal

00:27:42.960 beliefs, not to live together before marriage, which I commend if that's a decision that you make.

00:27:46.640 I actually think that's a good thing. I know a lot of guys listening to this probably don't,

00:27:50.340 but I think it's good. And it doesn't matter what I think or you think, or what anybody else

00:27:54.640 thinks. That's the decision that you made for religious reasons. So congratulations for making 0.64

00:27:59.080 that decision to show some restraint. I think that's, there's something to be said for that.

00:28:04.020 So do it right. Do it sooner. I can't see any reason why you wouldn't do that.

00:28:09.860 Yeah. I, the only, the only thing that can raise its, raise its head a little bit for me is

00:28:15.300 be careful not to do what most guys do. Let me, let me step back. I I've heard, I've heard,

00:28:23.160 I've had a couple of buddies say this and I might, I'll just tell you my advice to them. So their

00:28:27.540 wives are like, Hey, what's just elope or whatever. My wife really doesn't care about the whole wedding 1.00

00:28:32.100 thing. And, and I immediately go, uh, uh, uh, uh, that's a warning sign. That's a trap. That's a

00:28:37.800 trap. So don't, don't listen to her when she goes, Oh no, no, we could just get eloped. 0.99

00:28:42.400 She wants to get married and she wants a wedding and you're only going to do this once. So don't,

00:28:49.320 don't skip that. It's, it's special. A lot of these girls are raised in a way that,

00:28:54.760 you know, they've thought about their entire life, about what their wedding day is going to look like.

00:28:59.500 And you're going to just rip out that opportunity and go get elope. So be careful, still have a wedding, 0.99

00:29:06.920 still plan it, maybe just full court press and make it happen sooner than later.

00:29:10.420 Also, here's the financial side of me coming out. Don't be stupid. 1.00

00:29:16.380 Yeah. Okay. She's going to want the Cinderella wedding or whatever. 1.00

00:29:22.640 You don't need to do that. You can put together a very nice ceremony with just the right people

00:29:27.200 in a very, you know, lovely process and ceremony. Just, just be smart. Don't,

00:29:33.520 don't go into debt. Like don't spend as much as she wants to spend. I'm just telling you right now.

00:29:39.040 Yeah. All right. Now this next guy, you know who you are. I think you change your Facebook name

00:29:49.200 before you submitted this question. Just to mess with us.

00:29:53.940 Okay. Well, I'm intrigued now, man.

00:29:55.900 And I'm not going to even try. I'm not going to, like, seriously, this looks like a Hawaiian name,

00:30:00.960 Hawaiian first name. It's like impossible. Just, uh, right? Yeah. Stelios alphabet P how to avoid

00:30:10.500 distractions and focus on long-term goals.

00:30:15.500 I, I'm not strong enough to do what I need to be doing in the face of distractions. I know that

00:30:22.560 about myself. So I eliminate my distractions, anything that I would anticipate that could

00:30:27.980 potentially distract me. I just eliminate it. So for example, my children can be a distraction

00:30:33.740 from my work at times, right? Cause I'm here in the, I'm here in the house. They're, they're down.

00:30:38.780 In fact, I can hear them right now. They're having lunch together. And so that could be

00:30:42.800 very distracting. So I've established a boundary and I have this little door hanger that hangs from

00:30:48.580 my door. And when I'm recording or doing something where I can't have somebody coming in,

00:30:53.000 I put that thing on the door and I've communicated it with them. And I've said, Hey, if this is on the

00:30:57.620 door, I'm recording, like, don't even knock. It's just non-negotiable unless somebody's dying. Like

00:31:03.960 there's nothing I can do. If it's not on the door, just knock. And then we'll probably be able to have

00:31:08.520 a conversation. That's one little small thing. Uh, if it's a temptation to look at pornography or a

00:31:16.040 temptation to drink alcohol or whatever your distraction might be, then just completely

00:31:22.380 eliminate that distraction from your life, put the systems and procedures and processes in place

00:31:28.900 where that no longer becomes a problem. The other thing I would consider is working in time blocks.

00:31:35.580 So there's some distractions that we know are not good for us. Pornography, alcohol, addictions,

00:31:40.820 those sorts of things. We know that, right? And there's other distractions that are actually okay.

00:31:45.820 Like my kids, that's, those are, those are healthy distractions. Those are okay.

00:31:50.120 Okay. So here's Ryan knowing that his wife listens to the podcast coming through.

00:31:55.920 Yeah, that's right. So what you could consider doing is working in time blocks.

00:32:02.120 So you, you're going to, you're going to hit it hard for two hours. Like, I'm just going to hit

00:32:06.800 this as hard as I can for two hours. And then I'm going to go do something else. And then I'm going

00:32:11.520 to come back two hours hard and then go do something else so that you can still be present and you can

00:32:16.860 still engage in the things that are important to you, but not have them interfere with the things

00:32:21.940 that you're after. Did he say how to focus on long-term goals though?

00:32:26.320 Yeah. Yeah. And how to focus on long-term goals.

00:32:29.060 So that leads me to believe that he's not necessarily talking about his one to two hour

00:32:33.200 tasks, but like he's deviating from his path. So maybe his long-term goal is this year to lose

00:32:40.360 50 pounds, whatever. Okay. So the distraction there is, is what I would call creep or drift.

00:32:48.560 And so you have these little things that just gradually creep in, or you gradually drift off

00:32:56.240 course. This is natural. This happens over long periods of time. So what you need is you need to

00:33:02.100 shorten your timeframe from long-term goals into 90 day segments. Like we've talked at length about,

00:33:09.020 and then you need to have a process for ensuring that the things that creep in don't and the drift

00:33:17.220 that will naturally occur doesn't. And that comes with daily tracking. You got to track it every

00:33:24.940 single day and there's no excuses and there's no exceptions. This is actually one of the reasons

00:33:30.060 I really like Andy Priscilla's 75 hard is there's no excuses. There's no exceptions. There's nothing.

00:33:39.380 It's like you either did it a hundred percent or you did it zero percent. And I think there's a lot

00:33:44.660 of situations that we, as men could take in our lives where it's all or nothing. It's not, there's,

00:33:50.940 there's no such thing as 95%. You either one hunt. It's like being pregnant. You can't kind of be 0.88

00:33:57.480 pregnant. Like you either are, or you're not. There's no in between. Same thing with this. You 0.99

00:34:04.360 either did it a hundred percent to the standard, or you did not do it at all. And I think we need

00:34:11.940 to take more of a hardline stance on our own behavior throughout the day. Yeah. And Stelius,

00:34:18.120 you can learn more about our strategy that we use within the iron council by going to orderofman.com

00:34:23.500 slash battle ready. And that's really where we break things down into a 90 day period versus

00:34:29.880 these long-term goals. Cause what's the problem with a long-term goal? I got time, Ryan, right?

00:34:35.040 Today's a bad day. And this is a tough week. Next week, next or tomorrow, I'll pull it up. I'll start

00:34:40.860 tomorrow. Well, there's no tomorrow. There's today. That's it. Right. So, and there's not even today.

00:34:46.200 There's right now. Now. Yeah. Good point. Good point. All right. Chris Garrity. First off,

00:34:52.940 I've been following for about three years now, and I hate the podcast. I was joking.

00:34:57.320 Three years now. And this is my first post. Welcome, Chris. I appreciate what you guys are

00:35:02.500 doing. My parents are divorced about six months ago. There's still a lot of hurt and bad feelings

00:35:07.000 there. Christmas exposed those feelings a bit. Do you all have any advice on how to stay

00:35:13.180 on the middle road without being attacked? Because I favored one over the other. I have,

00:35:19.300 I've told both of them what happened between them is stays between them because I don't want to hear it.

00:35:27.580 I think you're handling it right. You know, because what could happen is you could become that little

00:35:32.580 high school trio where the one guy says, Hey, tell so-and-so I like her. And then the other one's

00:35:37.900 like, yeah, tell him that I like him. And then you become the middleman and that's drama and it's

00:35:43.400 inefficient and it's ineffective. And it keeps you from focusing on what you want to focus on.

00:35:47.580 And then you position yourself as a pawn in their game. So I think you've, I think you might be

00:35:52.860 experiencing a little bit of that right now. It sounds, I don't know how old you are, but it sounds

00:35:56.780 like they are based on the limited information we have that they're attempting to manipulate and use

00:36:04.320 you as a bargaining tool. And it sounds like you need to establish the boundaries. And here's going

00:36:10.300 to be the hardest part. Cause you already know you've, you've, you've identified that there needs

00:36:15.420 to be as some boundaries here. You have to uphold them. So when dad comes to you and says, Hey mom,

00:36:21.560 so-and-so-and-so dad, stop. You're going down the path. I already told you I'm not going to go down.

00:36:28.600 So if you want to talk about something else or you want to do something else, happy to do that.

00:36:31.780 If you continue to go down this path, I'm going to go ahead and see myself to the door. And I'm not

00:36:37.880 going to be here for that. Cause I told you already, I'm not going to be involved in this.

00:36:42.080 And then when mom does it, you have to say the same thing. And so what you're actually doing that

00:36:46.780 right now is you're conditioning them with regards to how you expect them to treat you.

00:36:55.400 There's the phrase we encourage what we tolerate. So if you tolerate this behavior from your parents,

00:37:01.760 where they're pitting you against each other, and they're using you as a pawn, you're actually

00:37:05.760 encouraging them because you're conditioning them to continue to do it. You need to retrain them.

00:37:11.780 This is the same thing with a boss, a spouse, a child, even with my own kids. I need to retrain

00:37:21.320 them at times because they think that we're, we have a different relationship than we do. My oldest son,

00:37:26.500 he's, as he's getting older, he thinks that we can be buddies and we're not buddies. I'm your dad.

00:37:31.340 You need to understand that I'm your father. And so I need to nip that in the bud as quickly as

00:37:36.640 possible, and then retrain how you are to engage with me and how I expect to be treated. But you

00:37:43.240 can only do that through the difficult task of making them uncomfortable and yourself too, because

00:37:50.040 you're comfortable with the current path. Retraining is always going to be uncomfortable,

00:37:55.480 but you need to start somewhere. You need to put that boundary in place and you need to have

00:37:59.800 those conversations continually until they get it. Yeah. And it's going, and it's going to work.

00:38:04.980 And, and I think that your parents are going to respect it and actually respect you for taking

00:38:11.440 that stance, even though it's uncomfortable initially. Um, I've, I've had to do this in my

00:38:15.820 family and, and it's, it's beautiful. Like I, I don't have to deal with any of this kind of stuff

00:38:21.080 anymore. So, but it takes the only look, the only, and I, I, I wholeheartedly agree with what

00:38:26.980 you're saying. The only reason I think somebody would not do this is because the pain of the

00:38:34.560 discomfort of doing it is less than the pain of, or excuse me, it's more than the pain of letting

00:38:45.780 them treat you like that and being engaged in someone else. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's beyond how

00:38:51.300 many people of us are, you know, how, how many times have people gotten involved with drama and

00:38:56.080 why? Because we don't want to call the other person out and going, Hey, we shouldn't talk bad

00:38:59.220 about someone. So it's uncomfortable. And so we all participate in, in those kinds of conversations.

00:39:05.520 Yeah. I mean, imagine that. Imagine if you were in, if they started to engage in that and you said to

00:39:10.180 your dad, Hey, you know what, dad, I'm not going to engage with you talking about mom that way.

00:39:13.700 If you feel that way, you know, maybe you need to hold that into yourself, or maybe you need to

00:39:18.040 share that with her, but I'm not going to allow you to talk to me about her that way.

00:39:22.300 Yeah. Holy cow. Could you imagine how he would, I think he would have a level of respect or he'd be

00:39:28.420 pissed. He might be pissed. And so that's good too, to know that, that there's a level of immaturity

00:39:33.020 there that you've acknowledged and recognized. Well, and there's, there's power in that communication

00:39:37.740 of like, Hey dad, you know, I, I highly respect mom and I highly respect you. And just so you know,

00:39:42.800 I don't put up with this from anybody, right. Even from mom or anyone else who, if they talk

00:39:47.380 ill about you. And so the stance I take is I honor those I love, you know, and that includes you.

00:39:52.720 So let's not engage in that kind of conversation. I mean, that's fair.

00:39:56.440 I think so. Yeah. I mean, this is, so how do we know how old he is?

00:40:04.240 Uh, we don't. I mean, he's gotta be fair. I assume he's fairly young. I don't know if he's still in

00:40:10.240 the house or out of the house, but I mean, this is a great opportunity to become a man right here.

00:40:15.720 Yeah. You know, and I don't care if you're 30 years old, like this is a great opportunity

00:40:19.600 to really exert yourself as a man, show some assertiveness and it's going to be uncomfortable,

00:40:24.840 but it's going to be good for all three of you.

00:40:27.880 Yeah. And, and good for other siblings involved and everybody else, right? It really sets the tone.

00:40:33.000 Yeah. Completely. I like it. All right. Sandro, uh, Olivia, how to, by the way, I will say one

00:40:40.420 other thing. I noticed one of the questions, questions in Facebook, somebody actually put

00:40:45.320 their name and then in the comments, they put their pronunciation of their name and guys, that's

00:40:51.400 the way to do it right there. So it's not, don't worry. I'll slaughter it first before I realized

00:40:56.920 that you did that for us. Oh, it's, uh, David. Oh no. Yeah. Uh, flowers. Yeah. Yeah. And what's 0.55

00:41:10.500 funny is he's, he's participated so much in support of the podcast for so long. You think

00:41:15.900 he's probably like, all right, I'm done with these guys. He's like, I'm done with you slaughtering

00:41:19.520 my name. Yeah. Thanks man. Uh, I'll, I'll, if we get to your question today, I'll, I'll

00:41:24.980 make sure to pronounce it right. All right. How to break a pattern of pursue and withdrawal

00:41:30.640 in a marriage. Um, I, the man will withdraw from my wife when the topics are difficult

00:41:37.220 to discuss. I withdraw connection emotionally, sexually, and I want to kick this pattern that

00:41:43.540 leads to her to pursue even harder and withdraw even more. 1.00

00:41:46.680 Those are just decisions. And we just talked about being uncomfortable. The reason that it's

00:41:52.760 a pattern is because it's easy. It's very easy. We as human beings are constantly looking for

00:42:00.760 patterns to make sense of the world. And we also fall into ruts because we don't have to focus so

00:42:07.140 much of our time or attention on those things so that we can focus our attention on other things.

00:42:12.300 So it's actually human nature. So what you're asking to do is you're asking to fight against

00:42:18.280 human nature. How do I fight against human nature to look for a pattern or to fall into a rut?

00:42:23.780 Yeah, it's, it's simply a disruptive decision. And so the first time your wife wants to talk with

00:42:32.300 you about something difficult and you want to withdraw, it's a decision to say, I'm willing to sit

00:42:38.540 here and be extremely uncomfortable because this is important that she knows that I'm willing to

00:42:47.600 communicate in a way that helps her work through whatever it is she needs to work through.

00:42:53.480 And there's going to be a lot of discomfort. I mean, look, let's be honest. She's gotten out of

00:42:58.880 her ruts for you. She's been forced to, cause her rut is to talk, right? Her, her pattern is we 1.00

00:43:06.440 address this, we deal with this and you're forcing her out of her rut by not engaging with her. So you

00:43:14.320 forced her hand not to be able to fall into her pattern. So don't you think there might be a little

00:43:19.780 opportunity for some give and take here, or you can set up some healthy boundaries. So for example,

00:43:25.120 Hey hon, look, I know you want to have this conversation right now and you know that it's

00:43:32.040 going to be a very difficult conversation for me. It would be helpful if I thought about this

00:43:38.500 for a couple of hours. And then we had the conversation this evening and I commit to you

00:43:43.760 that I won't put it off, that I won't brush it aside, but that this evening we will have that

00:43:49.420 conversation and then you actually have to have it. So you set up a boundary that makes it

00:43:55.100 easier for you to get out of the rut, but you honor what it is. She's after you've already,

00:44:00.120 you've already said you would, when you married her, you already said, I will honor you. I will

00:44:04.880 cherish you. I will let you already said that now it's time to put up. Let's see if you really will.

00:44:10.360 And that's a decision that you have to make.

00:44:13.640 It's fun. What Sandro is saying here, where he says he withdraws connection emotionally, sexually,

00:44:19.380 I would probably suggest too, that the conversations are happening. And then there's some major

00:44:27.680 interpretation that, that Sandro is, is bringing to the conversation. And, and now he's offended,

00:44:35.180 he's upset yet. Like he's probably adding a lot of context to the conversation in a way where now he

00:44:43.100 feels attacked or threatened by his wife in a way where he's like, Hey, I'm, I'm now disengaging

00:44:49.760 from her because I'm upset about what was said. Right. Some sort of defense mechanism, maybe some

00:44:56.020 therapy then, you know, that having a therapist, having a counselor, there might be some things

00:45:01.640 here that you're working through that you don't even know you're working through that happened 20

00:45:05.300 years ago, you know, and, and totally. And this conversation is the trigger to underlining the

00:45:10.100 emotional feeling that you've felt probably your entire life, which is some form of abandonment

00:45:15.320 or not being good enough for her or something else. For sure. For sure. You know, it's funny

00:45:19.380 because a lot of guys, I'm glad you brought that point up because a lot of guys will actually think

00:45:23.280 that that makes them less manly, right? That I have to go see a therapist, but it's an interesting

00:45:28.060 thing because let's say it's a coat, call it whatever you want, right? If that makes you feel better

00:45:33.120 about it, but really actually what it is, it's just a tool. That's how I choose to look at it.

00:45:37.600 It's just a tool. Like that's all it is. It's a tool to help you get better. And if you were

00:45:42.700 trying to master a craft, let's say you wanted to build a home and you picked up a, I don't know,

00:45:49.260 hammer for the very first time in your life, would you feel slighted or offended or less masculine if

00:45:55.440 somebody showed you how to use it? No, you'd be like, Oh good. Now I actually know how to do this

00:45:59.220 right. And I can build this big, beautiful home and do what it is I'm after. So frame it however you

00:46:06.040 want, but guys, I don't want you to feel slighted or less masculine or weak or pathetic for accessing

00:46:12.860 a tool that's going to help you thrive in your life. That's actually our job is to use all of

00:46:19.600 the tools at our disposal in a productive and effective way to get favorable outcomes. So

00:46:25.880 counseling, coaching, those are tools to be able to help you be a better man. It doesn't make you a

00:46:31.040 weaker one. It makes you actually in a lot of cases, a better man. For sure. And I think a good

00:46:35.860 pulse to determine if canceling might be necessary for Sandra is like really be, be stick to the facts.

00:46:44.020 And is there a whole lot of, she said X, but interpretation on your part of, Oh, well,

00:46:50.440 but what that means is this and what additional meaning are you adding that you're getting emotionally

00:46:55.980 upset about? And that's kind of the tall tale sign that there's more at play here than just what

00:47:01.940 she's saying. And you're not, and, and in essence, you're bringing way more baggage to the issue and

00:47:08.440 you're holding a judgment against her that may not be factual and is based almost a hundred percent

00:47:14.960 on your perception of what she said, even though she didn't say it. So just be mindful of that.

00:47:20.520 I agree with what you're saying, but I think it's very, very difficult to do that when you're in

00:47:26.160 the moment because it feels so real. And we have these things called cognitive distortions where

00:47:33.520 we will actually distort the reality, which is what you're saying because of past trauma or baggage or

00:47:42.520 perspective or whatever else. And then what we do is we find all these little factors to solidify

00:47:48.500 the cognitive distortion that we just employed. And sometimes you can't see it for yourself

00:47:55.560 because your mind is doing like, again, human nature, your mind is doing it there. Your mind

00:48:01.200 quite literally in this case is putting up defense mechanisms to, to protect you from feeling crappy

00:48:07.800 or from being hurt. That's what's happening. And you can't see it for yourself because you're in it.

00:48:12.980 So that's why counseling, coaching, consulting therapy, you have somebody else, even if it's

00:48:19.540 just a brotherhood, you know, another, another man who will give you a perspective that is impossible

00:48:27.240 for you to see on your own. And sometimes that's enough is because what they might say, they might

00:48:33.460 hear your situation and say, Oh no, that's not what it means. It means this. And guess what? That's

00:48:37.520 baggage too. Actually, that's their baggage. They're interpreting it. That's their lens.

00:48:42.040 But at least now, you know, there's another way to look at this.

00:48:45.940 Totally. Totally. And I can't help, but tie this question to the question before

00:48:50.800 by default, we, we build like, um, our army, right? It's like the natural tendency is if I'm in a fight

00:49:01.140 with my wife, the natural tendency is a call a brother. That's going to agree with me. I'm going to

00:49:06.580 call Ryan. Oh, Oh, guess what? My wife did. And, and, and typically you're going to go, Oh yeah,

00:49:12.560 dude, you're totally justified in being pissed off. And I would, you know, and we, and we build this,

00:49:17.260 this, I don't know, army to back up how we feel. That's not what we're saying.

00:49:24.160 What you need is not someone that's just going to like pander to your lens and go, Oh yeah,

00:49:29.420 totally, man. I'd be pissed. You know, whatever you need, the guy that's going to come to the table

00:49:34.800 and actually suggest another lens or another way of seeing something that's going to benefit you.

00:49:39.720 You don't need someone that's just going to agree with you. And that's what, I mean, we,

00:49:43.500 to the other question, that's what your parents are doing with you, right? They're looking for,

00:49:47.200 for an army to, to rise up against your other parent with, right? That's really, it's happening.

00:49:52.980 Yeah. I mean, we see this a lot in the Facebook group. Guys will say, Hey, my wife is doing this

00:49:56.600 and I'm pissed off. Am I, am I justified in being pissed? They'll even use that verbiage.

00:50:01.080 Yeah. Yeah. Like, what do you guys think? Am I, am I right for being angry?

00:50:06.120 You're already coaxing people to tell you that you're right. Like you're actually telling them

00:50:10.440 to tell you you're right. You're just looking for a confirmation and validation of your emotion.

00:50:15.200 Yeah. And everybody in the, you know, a bunch of guys on the Facebook, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,

00:50:18.700 yeah. She's a bitch. And this and that you're totally right. And it's like, hold up, hold up. 1.00

00:50:23.480 In that scenario, I think the best thing that we can do is just say, well, what do you think?

00:50:27.320 And what's your, what's your thought? Walk me through your process. What do you think she's 1.00

00:50:33.160 thinking? What, why does that make you mad? Like that's not, no judgment. Yeah. I'm not what see

00:50:40.040 if some people read, why does that make you mad? They'll interpret it as like, you shouldn't be

00:50:43.880 mad at that. No, no. It, it legitimately just means why does that make you mad? Yeah. Evaluate where

00:50:49.780 that emotion is coming from. Why are you mad about that? And it actually might be justified. I'm not

00:50:55.020 saying it wouldn't. I'm just, I'm curious about why you're mad about that thing. And that's really

00:51:00.940 the essence of coaching in general is just asking really good questions and letting people come to

00:51:06.280 their own answers and their own conclusions. And I think a lot of people will start to work this stuff

00:51:10.640 out themselves if they go through those questions. So if somebody comes at you and is like, Oh yeah,

00:51:15.120 do this, do this thing. And they don't know anything about your life tread lightly. But if somebody

00:51:21.920 says, Hey, and asks you a series of questions, that's somebody that I would actually be at least

00:51:26.500 intrigued by. Yeah. Well, and, and so much of life, I think it, we need to come to those conclusions on

00:51:35.100 our own. You know, we talk about this a lot. Like there's a big difference of me doing something

00:51:39.380 because Ryan asked me to versus I'm doing it because Ryan, like from, from, from the position of

00:51:47.840 the iron council, we discussed it and I bought into the idea. Like, I'm like, Oh, got it. Now,

00:51:54.920 if I need to pivot or adjust, I see the bigger picture. I'm emotionally bought into it. Like

00:52:00.680 there's more at play versus, Oh, I did X, Y, because Ryan asked me to, do you agree with it?

00:52:05.840 Do you understand why? Do you, do you understand the motive? If I don't understand that stuff and

00:52:09.420 it slightly goes off course, I'm not going to know what to do. I'm not bought in. I might even

00:52:13.940 be bitter about the task at hand. And I don't know why the hell we're doing this and, and have

00:52:19.260 to implement something that may not necessarily agree with. And that's part of asking questions

00:52:22.780 from a coaching perspective is like getting the person to understand the reasoning behind it.

00:52:27.260 So they're actually bought into what they're doing and they understand it, not just they're doing it

00:52:32.380 because someone told them to. And I also think there's levels to this too, Kip. For example,

00:52:38.240 if you know nothing about any of the things that we're talking about, it actually might be in your

00:52:42.040 best interest to incorporate a system or a strategy that we've shared because it's already

00:52:46.900 proven it's tested. And so you just plug into it, but at some point, like a little bit of faith,

00:52:52.100 you have to get that momentum. Yeah. Right. That's good. You know, like, for example,

00:52:55.900 if I know nothing about fitness and, and I see this guy and he's a fitness coach and he looks fit and

00:53:01.720 he's coached other people, there's a little bit of faith in me saying, you know, I know nothing

00:53:05.600 about it. He appears to know something about it. So I'll just do what he tells me to.

00:53:09.780 And, and I think there's value in that, right? As long as you find the right credible people.

00:53:14.660 So last night, me and my oldest son were, this is going to go back to jujitsu. We're training

00:53:19.040 jujitsu in our front room. We've got some mats. So we were rolling around and, um, I was doing

00:53:23.960 some things and he stopped. He's like, what are you doing? That doesn't work. And I'm like,

00:53:26.880 I didn't know if it'd work. I'm just experimenting. And he was like, where the I'm your father kind of,

00:53:33.400 no, no, it was good in that context. That's a good thing. Like, he's like, that's not working.

00:53:37.660 That's what he was saying. It's not working. Yeah. I don't know why, but I instantly got

00:53:41.460 triggered. I was like, man, if I was doing like, it's like, ah, that's not working. I'd be like,

00:53:44.800 let me show you. No, the reason it was okay for me is because I actually didn't know if it'd work.

00:53:51.080 I was experimenting. Oh, okay. I see. I was just trying different things. And he's like,

00:53:55.140 why are you doing that? I'm like, I'm just experimenting. He's like, oh, that's weird.

00:53:57.720 It doesn't work or whatever. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Got it. But, but I'm actually at the point

00:54:02.860 where I can experiment because I have some, not all, some of the foundational principles in place.

00:54:09.520 Yeah. When I went to my very, like, if I went to my very first class and I'm like,

00:54:13.700 I'm just experimenting on, like, I wouldn't even know what the rules are. I wouldn't know

00:54:18.660 what rules can be broken, what needs to be bent a little bit. Like, I wouldn't know any of that.

00:54:24.020 So I went and I was coachable. That's important. And I learned and I was receptive and I exercised

00:54:29.860 some level of faith based on credible and relevant information and I applied it and then I built this

00:54:34.380 solid foundation. And then that gives me the opportunity to step up to the next tier of now.

00:54:40.220 Okay. Well now I'm going to try some things on my own. Yeah. Oh, this works. That doesn't work.

00:54:45.720 Change this, tweak this, adjust that. But that can only be built on the foundation that you might just

00:54:51.620 have to follow a little bit of faith on with other people. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good point. It's a good

00:54:57.700 point. All right. Walt Hartnett, veteran service organizations. How can older groups like the W,

00:55:06.360 the VFW, American Legion be relevant in today's world? Is there value in keeping these groups going

00:55:13.140 versus starting a new veterans based nonprofit, the keeping something going versus starting something

00:55:18.560 new? Look, I'm not super familiar with VFW, with, with American Legion. I actually was part of

00:55:25.620 American Legion when I was in Southern Utah. It's something that I signed up for and I don't want

00:55:31.220 to knock those organizations at all. So when I say this, please don't take it as a knock on those

00:55:35.420 organizations. In my experience, it was an opportunity for previous generations of warriors,

00:55:44.500 military members to get together with like-minded people, share stories, have fun, extend some

00:55:51.620 brotherhood and fellowship. Great things, maybe a little bit of support. We saw a lot of these guys

00:55:57.500 in the parades and people got to honor them. And so there's a lot of value in that. I didn't see it

00:56:02.460 from my perspective. You guys can correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not see it as a very assertive

00:56:08.700 force to like go out and, and, and lobby and petition and change. And I didn't see it that way.

00:56:19.020 Now I could be completely off base. That was just my experience. So there was a lot of value in it

00:56:23.100 for me. And then I got to spend time with other men who were, were warriors, who served their

00:56:31.080 country, who had valuable information to share, who had some wonderful stories and perspectives that I

00:56:37.060 really enjoyed hearing about. But I think there's another generation of warriors, myself included,

00:56:43.440 who ought to be more involved and ought to be more active and doing public outreach and recruiting

00:56:51.320 efforts and getting more involved in politics and things like that. So is there value in having

00:57:00.340 these organizations? Yeah, you bet. There's value. I mean, those are, those are valuable contributing

00:57:04.800 members of our society. Of course there's value in that, but there's also value in making sure that

00:57:10.960 we're going out and we're petitioning and we're lobbying and we're congregating and we're discussing

00:57:16.180 and we're getting engaged in politics and we're getting engaged with our communities and we're

00:57:20.980 leading our communities and getting involved in, uh, nonprofits and charities and things like that.

00:57:27.000 And that actually may have to come from a different place and it's not one or the other. I just think

00:57:32.480 there's value in multiple different angles and you have to find the angle and perspective that's going to

00:57:37.340 work best for you. So, and I think at the heart of Walt's question, you know, is when, when do you,

00:57:43.720 when do you put your effort behind keeping something going and, and, and being involved in

00:57:50.820 evolving it into something greater versus starting something new from your perspective?

00:57:58.560 I would say that that point comes when there's still some value in that previous organization that

00:58:06.480 you can build upon. Yeah. So if there's something valuable in that organization and you have a new

00:58:11.920 insight, you have a new way you want to take it or a new perspective, but there's value here,

00:58:15.140 then I think, yeah, I would, I would say that would probably be a more efficient, effective way to do

00:58:19.900 it. Uh, but if there's no value, I'll take Boy Scouts as an example. People will say, oh, well,

00:58:26.880 you know, all the decisions they're making is at the top Boy Scout level and it doesn't affect the,

00:58:31.540 the local troops and things like that. And it's like, okay, well, when the tree goes bad,

00:58:36.680 so does the fruit. So I can appreciate that there's a lot of local leaders who are doing

00:58:42.880 wonderful things. And all the things I've said about Boy Scouts negatively over the past several

00:58:47.540 years has nothing to do with local leaders who are stepping up and leading these boys. Well,

00:58:52.920 that's not a knock on them. In fact, I commend those individuals, but the tree has gone bad.

00:58:58.940 It's not salvageable. So at that point, I think we really ought to consider implementing some new

00:59:07.260 programs, new procedures, new ways of doing things where we actually till the soil and we water it and

00:59:14.220 we fertilize it and we grow an entirely new tree that is not spoiled. That is not rotten. That is not

00:59:20.100 corrupt and is actually going to serve the people that we care about serving. In the case of the Boy

00:59:24.660 Scouts, it was the young men. And now it's not so much that anymore. So I think if it may, if it

00:59:31.040 makes sense from an efficiency standpoint to tap in an organization, that's already doing something

00:59:36.040 and build upon it, then I would say that's a good route. If it's spoiled or rotten or bad. And I don't

00:59:40.740 think that about the VA about, or excuse me, VFW or American Legion. I don't think that at all.

00:59:46.980 But if you feel like some organizations are, then I think you have a responsibility to start

00:59:51.440 something that's going to do better in, in your mind. Okay. All right. Corey Brake,

00:59:57.820 you cannot change or control others. You can only change and control yourself. I believe this,

01:00:04.020 but how do you ignore someone else's contribution to a conflict when their faults are obvious and

01:00:10.880 knowing that it is, and knowing that if the other person does not change or take ownership of their

01:00:17.040 faults in a matter that the conflict will only persist context marriage, where I believe all

01:00:22.880 efforts must be made to preserve the relationship. I want to thank you guys for the Wednesday AMAs.

01:00:28.820 Your gentlemen's efforts are not in vain. Yeah, it's, it's taking ownership.

01:00:37.480 Let me, let me say it a different way. Taking responsibility is not at odds with taking the

01:00:45.340 fault. Okay. So yes, it, in a marriage, it takes two to tango. And there are probably some things

01:00:54.220 that she could improve upon on her end. It is in our relationship that she can improve upon in her end.

01:01:00.180 And I, just because I choose to take responsibility for the marriage doesn't mean that I'm going to

01:01:07.280 absolve her of any responsibility that she might have for her end of it.

01:01:12.860 Yeah. Or be close-minded to the idea that she could still do things to cause disruption in the 0.95

01:01:18.880 marriage. You may be doing your part. And this is why Jocko wrote the follow-up to extreme ownership,

01:01:25.840 the dichotomy of leadership, because he recognized and acknowledged that there isn't that there's not

01:01:32.100 exceptions, but there's dichotomies, right? There's opposites of this, you know, where if you get too

01:01:38.260 close to your people, then you're going to get in trouble. If you get too distant from your people,

01:01:41.800 then you're going to be too in trouble or in trouble. So the answer typically lies somewhere in

01:01:47.480 between. So you could take responsibility. So if you notice and recognize something in your wife that

01:01:52.180 you feel like she can improve upon, you could take responsibility for helping her see that now

01:01:58.240 you ultimately can't get her to do it, but you can certainly influence her. You know, maybe,

01:02:04.100 maybe she's put on a few pounds, you know, it's not serving her. It's not, she's losing energy and 0.74

01:02:09.720 stamina. Like it's not good. It's not healthy for her. And so you can take responsibility for that and

01:02:16.140 say, Hey hon, you know, like, why don't we join a gym together and go do something like there's a

01:02:20.840 tactful way to approach this. And I recommend you approach it tactfully, but you still need to bring

01:02:27.840 it up. Yeah. Like it's still, it still needs to be brought up. And part of the way you win these

01:02:33.160 battles is by setting the groundwork beforehand. If I went to my wife and I said what I just said to

01:02:40.740 you guys, if I said that to her, I would have more success saying that today than I would have,

01:02:47.200 if I tried to do that seven years ago, because seven years ago, I was not a good husband and

01:02:54.620 there was no groundwork. There was no basis for trust and no authority in her eyes for me, no

01:03:02.700 level of influence. Now you bet there's, there's authority, there's influence, there's trust,

01:03:10.120 there's credibility, there's love, there's mutual respect. And so if I came to her and I said that

01:03:15.060 it would be coming from a different place with more relevancy than the way it came seven years ago.

01:03:21.920 So how do we do this? Very small wins on a daily basis, honoring your word up to keep taking the

01:03:27.900 trash out. When you say you will acknowledging and recognizing the things that she does well,

01:03:35.500 fostering her interest in hobbies and activities, not the things that you're interested in necessarily,

01:03:40.320 but the things that she is interested in and letting her know that she is valuable to you,

01:03:47.140 that you care about her. And then when you come to her and you do this for years and you come to her

01:03:51.800 and you say, Hey hon, look, um, you know, I know you've thought this and we've talked about it and

01:03:58.040 you know, your, your health isn't where it maybe could be. And, and I know you're tired and I know you

01:04:03.460 don't feel good about yourself. And is there some things that we can do? I have some ideas,

01:04:07.640 but are there some things that you think that we could do together that comes from an entirely

01:04:12.080 different place? And she will be more receptive. That's not going to go a hundred percent well in

01:04:16.360 any circumstance, but it's going to come in a better place. And she's going to be more receptive

01:04:21.500 to those types of things. So it's about building the foundation for years. And then you get to,

01:04:26.720 uh, you get to pick the fruit off the tree to go with that analogy I was talking about earlier,

01:04:32.940 you get to harvest, right? And at that point you have the ability to say those things because

01:04:36.960 you've done all the legwork up front. Yeah, totally. If you, if you don't mind me sharing,

01:04:41.860 I had a conversation, we mentioned this before we hit record. I had a conversation with a new

01:04:46.380 battle team leader yesterday. And, and one of the things that, that I shared with him,

01:04:53.060 I think is, is relevant to this and, and, and just to clarify. So within the iron council,

01:04:58.380 we have teams. And when you join the IC, you'll eventually be part of a team. And those teams may vary

01:05:04.800 from, you know, 10 to 15 guys. And this is your team. This is your brotherhood. These are guys

01:05:09.460 that are holding you accountable. This is where you participate within the iron council. It's,

01:05:14.180 it's kind of a, a really great intimate setting. And we have some amazing battle team leaders.

01:05:19.960 And I was talking with this new, uh, battle team leader yesterday. And I said that our ability to

01:05:26.760 influence as team leads requires to what you're saying, Ryan requires a foundation, right? You can't just

01:05:33.660 become a team lead and then jump to correct. Oh, let me give you accountability, Ryan. And let me

01:05:39.560 tell you what you should change and everything else that's not going to work. And so what's the

01:05:43.700 foundation? Like what's that baseline that needs to exist before we can actually be in a position to

01:05:49.340 correct people. And I think the first one is, is our, our, and there's many words for this, but I,

01:05:55.280 I like the, I like the phrase who you are being right. The intention, your mindset, right? Like

01:06:02.840 why are you even in this example, why are you even a battle team leader? If you're there for the reason

01:06:09.500 of popping yourself up and feeling good about yourself and your ego, it doesn't matter what you

01:06:14.560 do because Ryan, you know, right? You know, if I'm there to, to feel good about myself, right? We all,

01:06:21.520 we've all experienced managers that think they're superior and they're in a management position

01:06:26.320 because they think they're superior. It doesn't matter that they try to have a relationship with

01:06:30.720 you. Why? Cause you know, it's not genuine. It comes from a space that's, uh, lacks authenticity and

01:06:37.340 it's not, it's not intentional and it's not about caring or anything. So I think that first part is that

01:06:42.060 mindset. And then the second is establishing a relationship with the person, right? To, to Ryan's

01:06:48.520 points, like he has established a relationship with his wife, not a relationship of, let me change you

01:06:53.820 and make you someone different from a, but a relationship from the space of caring, from being

01:07:00.160 genuinely interested in who she is as a person and what interests her and what does she like? And, and

01:07:06.720 almost like a level of, if I had to add like a definition to it, like almost a level of creative

01:07:11.480 or not creative, like curiosity and, and, and knowing that individual, and then you can actually

01:07:18.740 listen to them and understand where they're coming from. And now you're in a position to provide

01:07:24.820 guidance and direction and teaching. If those other things don't exist, it doesn't matter.

01:07:30.480 I, I, yeah, I mean, well said. I think the, one of the greatest single factors of you being able to

01:07:36.700 lead, whether it's your wife or your children in any facet of life is self-integrity. It's,

01:07:42.980 it's that your actions match your words. And what's very fascinating about this is that as you have

01:07:48.440 integrity in your own life, people will be inspired and motivated by that. Uh, and I've seen it time

01:07:54.860 and time again, where I will take responsibility for a situation. And because people are so unfamiliar

01:08:00.680 with hearing somebody else take the burden of responsibility, they will actually try to take

01:08:06.960 it back. So, uh, it's a very small example. We had a couple of mess ups on some orders during the

01:08:12.860 Christmas holidays with our merchandise. We were busy and post-service and all that kind of stuff.

01:08:18.040 Right. And so I had a couple of people email me, Hey, I haven't got it. Or we got the wrong order.

01:08:22.680 And me and my son, as we were going through it, I said, we're going to take full responsibility.

01:08:27.680 Some of it's going to be our fault and others is not going to be our fault. It might be, uh, the,

01:08:33.600 the post office's fault, for example, but we're going to take full responsibility. And so there

01:08:38.780 was a couple instances where we reached out to somebody who had a messed up order or didn't get

01:08:43.760 it in time. And we took responsibility and we attempted to make amends. And for those individuals

01:08:48.600 who we took responsibility with, they came back and said, Oh, you know what? No, no. It's actually

01:08:54.520 my fault because I should have ordered it sooner or I should have been more in clear, clear on the

01:09:00.760 instructions. It was, it was very interesting. It's ironic, but the more that you take responsibility

01:09:08.260 for yourself and your environment, that includes your household and your wife and your kids,

01:09:12.260 the more likely it is that they're going to say, Oh no, no, no, no, no. Let me take it back. I want

01:09:18.900 it. I see what you're doing. I want it. And it's actually my, which is what you want, right? We want

01:09:23.720 everybody to take responsibility. You want your wife to take responsibility, you to take responsibility. 0.73

01:09:29.000 And if everybody in the household is taking responsibility, could you imagine how powerful

01:09:33.960 that thing would be? Totally. Totally. And I can't help that like, and it has to be, and once again,

01:09:40.700 that mindset has to be right. Right. Because like, because I think some guys fall in the trap, Ryan,

01:09:45.200 where, where they go, well, I'm doing all my stuff, right. You know, I, I'm doing this and I'm doing

01:09:50.780 this, but they're doing it. Why? So they have ammo to bring to the table. Right. And that's not what

01:09:58.680 you need to be doing. Right. We're not looking for justification, ammunition to like push someone

01:10:03.720 else down and prove that we are correct. Right. It has to be genuine. It has to come from a place

01:10:08.960 of integrity and doing it. Why? Because you, your mindset is because it, you should not because,

01:10:15.960 you know, you're trying to look for, you know, baggage or, you know what I mean? Something to use

01:10:20.820 as ammunition against the other individual. So it has to be proper intention is ultimately what I'm

01:10:25.280 trying to say. Yeah. I mean, we do it because it's the right thing to do. It's as simple as that.

01:10:29.420 Yeah. Which is super hard to do. Cause I find myself doing that all the time where I'd be like,

01:10:33.160 oh man, you know, I'm doing this and I'm like, wait a second, why am I doing this? Oh, I'm doing

01:10:37.020 this. So I, you know, so I'm, I'm propping myself up. Right. So I see, I'm doing my part,

01:10:42.060 you know what I mean? So I can point out someone else's faults, right. Versus actually just

01:10:46.360 doing it because I should. And, but doesn't it feel so much better when you do it for the right reason?

01:10:51.180 Totally. Like forget about the outcome, the external outcome. Think about the internal

01:10:56.200 intrinsic benefit of taking responsibility. You just feel better. I'll go back to this,

01:11:02.820 the, the case of the packages that we sent out. One woman ordered something for her husband and

01:11:09.280 she didn't get it. And if I remember right, she spent, you know, 150, a couple hundred bucks

01:11:13.400 and she sent an email and she was upset because she hadn't received it in time. And she said she

01:11:18.640 had spent all of her Christmas budget on that stuff. And so I was really disappointed. So I

01:11:26.040 said, you know what, here's what we're going to do. We're going to, we're going to refill the order.

01:11:30.460 I don't know where your order is. I have no idea. It's in the system somewhere. We're, we're just

01:11:35.080 going to refill your order. I'm going to pay to have it shipped to you faster. And so we did.

01:11:41.460 I told my son, he's like, I don't know if we should do that. I'm like, no, we're going to do it

01:11:44.460 because it's the right thing to do. And we're going to be out this merchandise. Maybe she'll

01:11:48.800 get the other stuff. Maybe she won't, if she gets it, maybe she'll send it back. Maybe she won't.

01:11:52.740 I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen, but it's the right thing to do. So we sent this

01:11:56.700 thing, this package out to her and, and she gets it very quickly because we paid for the expedited

01:12:02.520 shipping and she sent an email or I reached out to her or something. We got connected.

01:12:07.860 She actually got both packages in time and she said, well, how do I send this other one back?

01:12:15.500 So it actually worked out because she, she did the right thing. We did the right thing,

01:12:19.400 but even if she didn't do the right thing, it still would have been the right thing for us to do.

01:12:26.700 And that's all that we can control. And that was a very powerful lesson to be able to teach Brecken.

01:12:31.820 Totally. And I can't help, but, and let me run this idea by you. And I don't want to

01:12:36.180 rattle on this too much. I'm sorry, but, but I I've been really focused on this of late because

01:12:40.800 my wife and I, we've talked about, you know, when we trigger each other, right. And she does

01:12:47.280 something that just kind of gets me riled up or the example that we had earlier today about

01:12:52.180 a guy withdrawn from his wife during a difficult circumstance. And I can't help, but realize that

01:12:59.460 there are days in my life where I'm aligned and I'm in a really great mood and things are going

01:13:07.000 really well. And my wife could almost bring anything to the table and say, I have a difficult

01:13:12.920 conversation and my ability to reply to her with the appropriate response and have the proper

01:13:19.060 conversation is really, really high because I'm not, I'm not so like offended by everything.

01:13:26.260 And I'm in a, in a, in a great space where I can actually take what she's saying, understand what

01:13:31.960 she needs. I'm not taking a personal link, and I can really deal with the circumstance. And I don't

01:13:36.940 know if you have these days and maybe I'm just bipolar or something, but I even have these days with 0.99

01:13:40.920 our kids where our kids are like just little shits, right. And they're being a pain in the ass. 1.00

01:13:46.000 But if I'm having one of those days, I can almost flip it. They can be having the worst day. 1.00

01:13:52.020 And all of a sudden they're having an amazing day because I'm in the right space. Right. And it

01:13:57.620 just affects them. And I can't help, but wonder when those days happen for me, it's because I'm

01:14:04.200 aligned because I'm doing what I should be doing. Cause I completed the things I said I would complete

01:14:10.340 and I can feel fulfilled and complete about how I showed up and, and I can't help, but that's really

01:14:16.940 an outward expression of just having integrity at all times. But I don't know what's your thoughts.

01:14:23.100 I think you're right. I think, I think you echoed my, my sentiments, which is you said alignment

01:14:29.060 integrity. I mean, I think we're talking about the same thing here. Your, your actions are in

01:14:35.360 alignment with your thoughts and your words. And that's a great space to be. And people will feel

01:14:42.760 that tangibly feel that and it will improve their lives. So let's take one or two more. We'll do a

01:14:49.660 wrap it as stuff. All of us are, all of us are man. Yeah. You know, like today, this morning I was

01:14:57.640 doing some stuff and I was so pissed off as I'll been out of shape. And my wife came in and I, and

01:15:05.700 she was happy. She came in. I'm like, I cannot talk to you right now. I said, I'm not upset with you.

01:15:11.640 I just can't, I'm doing this. And she left and I felt bad about it. Cause I was short and I went

01:15:18.340 down there and I was like, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I was just dealing with

01:15:21.260 it. She's like, that's okay. I understand. And I thought about it for a second. I'm like,

01:15:24.940 why did she say that's okay? I understand because I'm not always like that. Very rarely am I like that.

01:15:32.540 If you're like that all the time, she'd be like, I don't understand. You're an asshole. 1.00

01:15:36.860 Yes. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And also I went to make amends and say, Hey, I'm sorry. I was short with 1.00

01:15:42.720 you. Like I wasn't mad at you. I was upset and frustrated with this thing I was doing. She's

01:15:45.920 like, yeah, no problem. I get it because I'm in alignment enough. This is that influence thing

01:15:52.800 I was telling you about. I'm in alignment enough. The other analogy I like is the bank account

01:15:57.120 analogy. I've made enough deposits into the emotional relational bank account that when I need

01:16:03.940 to make a withdrawal, even if it's stupid or trivial, like I did, it's okay. I have enough 0.56

01:16:09.860 deposits to cover with the withdrawal. You start making too many withdrawals. You're in trouble.

01:16:15.220 Make the deposits, continue to make the deposits. Then the withdrawals are not even a question.

01:16:19.720 I'm not saying you should, or it makes it acceptable. I'm just saying you have some capital

01:16:24.840 there to cover it. Yeah. All right. Kyle Johnson, how to build a schedule that focused on long-term

01:16:31.380 goals, but allows for flexibility with family example is for training for a marathon, for

01:16:36.820 instance. Um, I'm trying not to just say the battle plan. I know keep, keep to keep to your

01:16:48.560 goals in a schedule, but also be flexible. How do you pull off the flexibility side?

01:16:53.540 So I would say, I would say have your schedule, create, create, create your training schedule,

01:17:01.560 whatever that looks like. Cause did he talk about a marathon or was that your addition to it?

01:17:05.020 That's no, that's his example is training for a marathon. Okay. So create your schedule.

01:17:11.020 Next. This is very important. You have to communicate your schedule and then you have to

01:17:17.820 take into consideration. So, so let's just do this in a process. Step number, number one,

01:17:21.980 create your schedule. Step number two, communicate your schedule. Step number three, ask for their

01:17:30.280 feedback, get their buy-in to it. Cause if you don't get their buy-in to it, you're going to have

01:17:36.880 a significantly harder time with this. Cause your wife might say, Oh, you know what? You were going 0.95

01:17:41.000 to go, uh, run and train hard on Tuesday nights, but Tuesday nights, the things that I do, you know,

01:17:45.920 with, with, uh, I have my own thing on Tuesday night and you think, Oh yeah, that's right. Okay.

01:17:49.640 So I'll switch that to Wednesday night. This is how we build it in. So it works. So again, step

01:17:55.180 number one plan, step number two, communicate your plan. Step number three, get the feedback

01:18:00.920 on the plan. And then step number four, continue to communicate the plan as you're going through

01:18:09.580 it. Hey kids, remember Wednesday nights, dad's night. I'm going to train, but Thursday night,

01:18:14.900 I don't train. I train in the morning. So Thursday nights, the night where we get to wrestle and we

01:18:19.360 get to play, or I read you books and tuck you in or whatever it is. You have to keep making the

01:18:24.340 connections and you always go back to your plan. And by the way, it's the plan that they also signed

01:18:29.440 off on. They acknowledged it. They signed off on it. They made little adjustments that you were

01:18:35.720 willing to compromise on because the family thing was important. And as things come up that were

01:18:41.520 unexpected, then, then negotiate with them. Okay. Hey kids, look, I know that we had the,

01:18:48.900 the unexpected Christmas party, and I really wanted to be there with you for that. So we're

01:18:56.200 going to do that. But that means that tomorrow night, I'm actually going to need to train very,

01:19:00.860 very hard. And I won't be here in the evening because we made the decision that this was important,

01:19:06.120 but we also know that training is important. So I'm just going to swap those two around.

01:19:10.640 You're not asking for permission so much as you're just communicating, keeping everybody in the loop

01:19:16.400 and, and letting them know how this process is going to work. Yeah. And the key, I think where

01:19:20.820 most guys go wrong is because I, yeah, I think where most guys probably go wrong is come Saturday.

01:19:27.000 It's, Oh, we have that Christmas thing. Oh shit. I told you, remember I have my schedule. We talked 1.00

01:19:33.020 about it two weeks ago. You know what I mean? And now you're, it's that continuous edgy communication

01:19:37.540 is so critical. I can't express that enough. Yeah. That's why family meetings in the morning

01:19:42.880 are so powerful. They could take five minutes. It could take 15 minutes, but it's, Hey guys,

01:19:48.220 let's get together. Okay. Dad's going to be training at this time. He's got a call at this time.

01:19:53.680 Kids have their recital or their practice at this time. Mom's going to be here. Dad's doing this

01:19:58.580 ready break and doing that every morning is so valuable. Yeah, totally. Hmm. And we do ours

01:20:07.040 at night, but yeah, same, whatever, same, same touch base. Yeah. Right. All right. Last question,

01:20:12.300 Nick Hilton. My, my wife and I are expecting our third child in April. Our second boy,

01:20:17.540 our 17 month year old son has started hitting and showing aggression. I'm giggling. Cause my two year

01:20:24.900 old's like, gosh, a hellion. Uh, how do I redirect a one year old's aggression to something productive

01:20:32.160 before his little brother is born? Who, what, what little boy doesn't hit? He's doing the right.

01:20:38.300 He's physical. Let him hit in a controlled environment. Yeah. So if you don't have mats yet,

01:20:45.320 get some mats. If you don't have a punching bag, get some punching bags. If you don't have little

01:20:50.140 weights for them that he can roll around with and lift and do the things that you're doing. Oh. And

01:20:54.060 also if you're not doing these things, then maybe start doing that and let him harness. This is,

01:20:59.880 this is the problem with, I think it's a big problem in society. We have a bunch of boys running

01:21:05.980 around with raw masculine energy coursing through their veins and they don't know how to harness it

01:21:12.020 effectively. It's not bad. The fact that your son is aggressive and physical and wants to assert

01:21:20.240 himself physically is actually not a bad thing. The way he's doing it might be, but the fact that he

01:21:27.620 wants to do it is not bad. So redirect it towards something that is constructive, positive, and helpful,

01:21:34.200 but doesn't wipe out his need to hit or be physical. That's not a bad thing. My, my two-year-old's like,

01:21:43.560 or excuse me, four-year-old is like that. He's man. He runs around and he'll punch and everything else.

01:21:47.500 I'm like, Hey, we're not going to, you're not going to go up and punch me in the nuts when I'm

01:21:51.520 not looking, but if you want to wrestle, let's go on the mats and I'll wrestle you for hours. 1.00

01:21:57.300 Okay. Yeah, let's do that. I'm like, cool. Good. Got it. So we, we put these little restraints and

01:22:02.860 confines in there. You know, at two years old, it's going to be a little hard, you know, for some of

01:22:06.580 that stuff, but still he would love to have a punching bag. He would love to be able to just roll

01:22:12.040 around on the ground with you. He would love, and you know what, if he hits something, say,

01:22:16.120 Oh, you know what? You're actually not throwing that punch. Right. Let me show you how to throw

01:22:19.660 that punch better. And then give him an outlet, put up your hands or get some pads and let them 0.99

01:22:24.460 get after it. Totally. And, and I, my son's a, a, a living example at two, they can be conditioned.

01:22:32.680 Like he knows, he knows he, he breathes differently when he's in his, like his fight mode. He's like,

01:22:41.480 and he gets like this mean face. And, and all I have to do is lay on the ground.

01:22:47.420 If I lay on the ground, he's like, like, he immediately knows like, okay, it's, it's okay to

01:22:54.340 like beat up dad. And I'll, I actually even let him punch me and all kinds of stuff. And he'll like,

01:22:59.680 you know what I mean? But then when he hits his sister, it's like, Oh no, no, we don't hit,

01:23:04.320 we don't hit. You know what I mean? This is when we do it on the ground right here with dad, but

01:23:08.060 you know, we have, we have a little bit of these controls. And so we're teaching him and he's,

01:23:12.620 he's kind of figuring out when he can have that type of aggression and when it's not appropriate.

01:23:17.400 So, right. Yep. Yeah. The biggest, I think the biggest not to do here is not wrong.

01:23:25.500 Well, it is wrong. It is wrong because aggression wrong.

01:23:30.760 Yes. And to completely like try to extract it from him. That's what society would have you do

01:23:37.980 is like, Oh, he's hitting. He shouldn't be hitting. Let's medicate him. It's like, Whoa,

01:23:42.520 hold up a second. There's probably somewhere on that spectrum of raw aggression and medication and

01:23:49.560 sedation that we could probably find somewhere to land. Yeah. And so society says, do away with it. 0.87

01:23:58.560 Fathers, good fathers anyways, say, no, no, no, let's harness it. And that's what you want to do.

01:24:05.260 That's why you're asking the question. Totally. And just so you know, I, if I remember correctly,

01:24:09.920 I'm going to probably slaughter this, look it up. But if I remember correctly, the levels of his

01:24:16.040 testosterone at age two is skyrocketing. Like he has a huge amount of testosterone at that age,

01:24:24.820 it'll actually dip lower when he's a little bit older. So he's, he's, yeah, he's getting a lot of

01:24:31.700 testosterone at that little age. And you know, that's, yeah, it's a good thing. It's natural.

01:24:37.440 Totally. All right. Let's wrap it up. Yeah, for sure. So we talked about the IC,

01:24:42.020 we talked about a few things, join us, band with us. You know, I really appreciated your

01:24:46.860 Friday field notes, Ryan, last Friday, you know, it was kind of a call to action. If you guys didn't

01:24:52.220 catch that, um, subscribe to the podcast or hop on YouTube and watch that, but it kind of fired me

01:24:57.940 up. Right. It was like, what are we doing, um, to band with what we're doing in the order and how do we

01:25:04.660 take a stance and, and stop being passive in regards to how we're showing up as men. Um, join us on

01:25:11.560 Facebook at facebook.com slash group slash order man, or join us in the iron council,

01:25:15.860 which is at order of man.com slash iron council. We did mention this earlier, the battle ready

01:25:20.680 program, um, the new year starting, um, what Alan within the iron council mentioned last week.

01:25:28.700 And I really loved it is like, while everyone else is taking a free week thinking like, Oh,

01:25:33.840 I'm going to, I'm going to step up onto the court of life coming next week. Don't wait,

01:25:38.220 step up right now, get a week ahead of, of everyone else. Don't waste the moment. Like

01:25:43.920 we've mentioned earlier today, get on the court, uh, and start, start becoming the man that, that,

01:25:49.520 uh, you're intended to be, or that you want to create. You can support us by subscribing to the

01:25:54.000 podcast. Join us on YouTube. Of course, to get your swag, go to store.orderofman.com

01:25:59.300 and follow Mr. Mickler on Twitter and Instagram at Ryan Mickler.

01:26:05.140 Well done, man. Well done. Yeah. All right, guys. Great questions today. Appreciate it. Hopefully

01:26:09.740 we gave you some answers to consider and chew on a little bit. Uh, we will be back of course on

01:26:13.440 Friday and then we've got some good interviews coming up. Uh, so make sure you subscribe as well.

01:26:18.140 Go out there, take action, become the man you are meant to be.

01:26:21.100 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

01:26:25.700 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - December 30, 2020

Solving Your Own Problems, Avoiding Distractions, and Learning to Like Yourself ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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